1
00:00:04,934 --> 00:00:06,332
OH, MACHIAVELLI!
2
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,332
YOU'VE TOLD ME NOTHING
I DON'T ALREADY KNOW!
3
00:00:08,401 --> 00:00:11,298
AH, SUN TZU'S
THE ART OF WAR.
4
00:00:11,367 --> 00:00:13,432
STEWIE, THOSE BOOKS
AREN'T FOR BABIES.
5
00:00:13,501 --> 00:00:15,332
HERE. WATCH
THE TELETUBBIES.
6
00:00:15,401 --> 00:00:17,598
HOW DARE YOU! THAT
BOOK MAY HOLD THE KEY
7
00:00:17,667 --> 00:00:19,433
TO MY ENSLAVING
OF ALL MANKIND.
8
00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:20,598
OOH, FUZZY.
9
00:00:20,667 --> 00:00:21,832
[Giggling]
10
00:00:21,901 --> 00:00:23,398
TICKLE.
11
00:00:23,467 --> 00:00:24,532
GOD. THE MORE
I RESIST,
12
00:00:24,601 --> 00:00:26,032
THE MORE INTRIGUING
THEY BECOME!
13
00:00:26,101 --> 00:00:27,765
I CAN'T LOOK AWAY!
14
00:00:27,834 --> 00:00:29,299
AGAIN! AGAIN!
15
00:00:29,368 --> 00:00:30,898
YES! YES!
AGAIN! AGAIN!
16
00:00:30,967 --> 00:00:32,965
OH, DEAR GOD,
PLEASE ONCE MORE!
17
00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:34,199
UH, SORRY, STEWIE.
18
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:35,665
A&E BIOGRAPHY
IS DOING
19
00:00:35,734 --> 00:00:37,364
THE LIFE OF THE OTHER
GUY FROM WHAM.
20
00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:38,932
I'M FREE! FREE
FROM THE SPELL
21
00:00:39,001 --> 00:00:41,333
OF THOSE DIABOLICAL
TELETUBBIES!
22
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,299
THANK YOU. WHEN
THE WORLD IS MINE,
23
00:00:43,367 --> 00:00:45,865
YOUR DEATH SHALL BE
QUICK AND PAINLESS.
24
00:00:45,934 --> 00:00:49,298
♪ IT SEEMS TODAY
THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪
25
00:00:49,367 --> 00:00:52,765
♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
AND SEX ON T.V. ♪
26
00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:56,231
♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪
27
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:58,632
♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪
28
00:00:59,433 --> 00:01:02,532
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
29
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,732
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO'LL
POSITIVELY TELL YOU ♪
30
00:01:05,801 --> 00:01:07,565
♪ ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE US ♪
31
00:01:07,633 --> 00:01:09,298
♪ LAUGH 'N' CRY ♪
32
00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:14,298
♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
33
00:01:17,701 --> 00:01:18,999
ATTENTION,
PLEASE.
34
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:20,631
TOMORROW IS SOFTBALL PRACTICE.
35
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:21,832
WE HAVE A LOT
OF WORK TO DO
36
00:01:21,901 --> 00:01:23,032
FOR SATURDAY'S GAME.
37
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:25,232
LET'S NOT FORGET HOW
BADLY WE WERE HUMILIATED
38
00:01:25,301 --> 00:01:27,498
LAST YEAR BY PAWTUCKET
JOKE AND NOVELTIES.
39
00:01:28,867 --> 00:01:31,065
[People laughing]
40
00:01:32,201 --> 00:01:33,965
[Laughs]
LOOK AT THOSE MORONS
41
00:01:34,034 --> 00:01:35,965
AND THEIR STUPID
GLASSES.
42
00:01:36,034 --> 00:01:37,532
OH, MAN.
I HATE THOSE GUYS.
43
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,399
MORE THAN I HATE
SPINACH, TRAFFIC JAMS,
44
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:41,232
AND THE LAST FEW
YEARS OF MASH.
45
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,465
WHEN ALAN ALDA TOOK OVER
BEHIND THE CAMERA
46
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:45,565
AND THE SHOW GOT ALL
DRAMATIC AND PREACHY? HUH?
47
00:01:45,634 --> 00:01:47,198
AM I RIGHT?
WHO'S WITH ME? HUH?
48
00:01:47,267 --> 00:01:49,231
THIS YEAR WE WILL
DEFEAT THOSE PRANKSTERS
49
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:51,232
WITH OUR SECRET WEAPON...
50
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:52,732
GUILLERMO.
51
00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:55,298
UGH.
52
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:56,732
BRAVO!
53
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,599
I HIRED GUILLERMO
BECAUSE I BELIEVE
54
00:01:58,667 --> 00:02:00,398
HE'LL BE AN
ASSET TO OUR COMPANY
55
00:02:00,466 --> 00:02:02,332
ON AND OFF THE FIELD.
56
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,798
YOU HAVE IMPECCABLE
CREDENTIALS.
57
00:02:04,868 --> 00:02:08,298
I'M SURE I CAN
FIND A POSITION
FOR YOU SOMEWHERE.
58
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:09,598
BACK TO WORK,
PEOPLE.
59
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:11,465
HEY, MR. WEED,
I GOT A GREAT IDEA
60
00:02:11,533 --> 00:02:13,465
FOR A NEW LINE OF T.V.
ACTION FIGURES...
61
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,598
FACTS OF LIFE
TRANSFORMERS, HUH?
62
00:02:15,667 --> 00:02:17,399
WATCH THE
TRANSFORMATION.
63
00:02:17,467 --> 00:02:18,765
CUTE AS A BUTTON,
64
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:20,299
FAT AS A COW,
65
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:22,432
RADIOACTIVE
SCORPION, HUH?
66
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:25,166
WATCH OUT, MRS. GARRETT.
HERE COMES BLAIR.
67
00:02:25,234 --> 00:02:26,198
I'LL CONSIDER IT.
68
00:02:26,267 --> 00:02:27,465
HE'LL CONSIDER IT!
69
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:29,032
I GOT ANOTHER ONE
70
00:02:29,101 --> 00:02:31,399
WHERE NATALIE'S ONE OF
THOSE SPITTIN' LIZARDS
FROM JURASSIC PARK.
71
00:02:31,468 --> 00:02:33,565
[Applause]
72
00:02:36,233 --> 00:02:38,265
PAT, I'D LIKE
TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
73
00:02:38,333 --> 00:02:40,365
"GO TUCK YOURSELF IN."
74
00:02:40,433 --> 00:02:41,632
[Pat]
YOU GOT IT.
75
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:43,299
WELL, YOU WERE
CLOSE, DAD.
76
00:02:43,368 --> 00:02:44,465
YEAH. I STILL
CAN'T BELIEVE
77
00:02:44,533 --> 00:02:46,831
WE MISSED THE PHRASE,
"MY HAIRY AUNT."
78
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,331
COME ON, BRIAN.
I GOTTA GET TO
SOFTBALL PRACTICE.
79
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,264
PRACTICE? I THOUGHT
WE'D GO NEXT DOOR
80
00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:52,832
AND WELCOME
OUR NEW NEIGHBORS.
81
00:02:52,901 --> 00:02:55,132
NO. I DON'T
WANT ANYTHING TO DO
WITH NEIGHBORS.
82
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,132
LAST GUY WHO LIVED
NEXT DOOR BORROWED
MY TOASTER.
83
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,198
NEVER SAW IT AGAIN.
84
00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:02,598
IF THAT SLUT WANTS
FULL CUSTODY OF THE KIDS,
SHE'S GOT IT.
85
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:04,832
[Zapping]
86
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:07,166
PETER, THEY MIGHT
BE VERY NICE PEOPLE.
87
00:03:07,235 --> 00:03:09,932
"VERY NICE PEOPLE."
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALWAYS SAY.
88
00:03:10,001 --> 00:03:12,032
THEN YOU OPEN UP THE
SEPTIC TANK AND BAM!
89
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,531
SKELETON CITY!
90
00:03:18,801 --> 00:03:20,466
OH, PERVERT!
91
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,399
OH, DON'T FLATTER
YOURSELF, HONEY.
92
00:03:22,468 --> 00:03:23,832
I DON'T HAVE
ANY SWEAT GLANDS.
93
00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:25,832
OK, MY HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
TOY BOYS,
94
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:27,298
TIME FOR
BATTING PRACTICE.
95
00:03:27,367 --> 00:03:29,298
GUILLERMO, YOU'RE UP.
96
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,132
UNFORTUNATELY
JOHNSON ISN'T HERE
97
00:03:31,201 --> 00:03:32,898
TO PITCH TODAY.
HIS WIFE IS IN LABOR.
98
00:03:32,967 --> 00:03:35,866
OH, WHAT? IS THE
BABY COMING OUT OF HIM?
JEEZ, I'LL PITCH.
99
00:03:35,934 --> 00:03:37,965
HA! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
MORE QUESTIONABLE,
100
00:03:38,034 --> 00:03:40,032
YOUR PITCHING ARM OR
BILL CLINTON'S INTEGRITY.
101
00:03:40,101 --> 00:03:41,298
OH, HOW HARD--
102
00:03:41,366 --> 00:03:43,431
[Studio audience laughing]
103
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,932
OH, HOW HARD CAN
IT BE TO PITCH?
104
00:03:50,634 --> 00:03:51,565
[Grunts]
105
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:52,899
AAH!
106
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:54,732
UH, OK. TAKE YOUR BASE.
107
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,298
SOMEBODY CALL 911.
108
00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:59,399
TELL THEM HE IS
ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN
AND WHITE ZINFANDEL!
109
00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:01,565
IDIOT! IF YOU
DON'T FIND A RINGER
110
00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:04,332
TO REPLACE GUILLERMO,
YOU'RE FIRED!
111
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,431
OH, MAN. WHAT'LL I
DO IF I GET FIRED?
112
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,099
I'LL HAVE TO GO
BACK TO MY OLD JOB
113
00:04:08,168 --> 00:04:09,531
AS A CALVIN KLEIN
MODEL.
114
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,598
[Woman #1]
I DON'T WANT TO BE JUST
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
115
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,431
[Man]
BUT I DON'T WANT
TO BE DIFFERENT.
116
00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:16,431
[Woman #2]
I JUST WANT TO BE.
117
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:18,531
[Peter]
WHAT WAS THE NAME
OF THE BAD GUY
118
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,398
FROM TRON?
119
00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:22,799
AH, THIS IS GONNA
DRIVE ME NUTS!
120
00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:24,999
MOVING IS NEVER
EASY ON A FAMILY.
121
00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:28,698
WELL, WE ARE GONNA
MISS THE GO-GO-GO
PACE OF PROVIDENCE.
122
00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:30,364
BUT WITH NUMBER 2
ON THE WAY,
123
00:04:30,433 --> 00:04:32,099
JOE THOUGHT IT WAS
TIME TO MOVE.
124
00:04:32,168 --> 00:04:34,431
AND I CAN'T SAY
NO TO JOE.
125
00:04:35,134 --> 00:04:36,198
EVER.
126
00:04:36,267 --> 00:04:39,065
OH, QUAHOG CAN BE
PRETTY EXCITING, TOO.
127
00:04:39,134 --> 00:04:41,732
LAST WEEK, SOMEONE
LOST AN EYE AT BINGO.
128
00:04:41,801 --> 00:04:43,999
I-17. OH, DARN IT.
129
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:46,233
AAH!
130
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:49,164
OH, I HAVEN'T PLAYED
BINGO IN YEARS!
131
00:04:49,233 --> 00:04:51,232
SILENCE! EVER SINCE
YOU TWO MET,
132
00:04:51,301 --> 00:04:53,365
YOU'VE DONE NOTHING
BUT WAX IDIOTIC!
133
00:04:53,434 --> 00:04:55,598
I MUST ESCAPE THIS
INFERNAL BABBLE! AH!
134
00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:56,732
[Laughs]
135
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,798
WHAT A LITTLE EXPLORER.
136
00:04:58,867 --> 00:05:00,966
YES. HE'S SO FULL
OF WONDER.
137
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,732
OH, TO BE THE LINDBERGH
BABY RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
138
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,865
JOE, YOU HAVE TO MEET
OUR NEW NEIGHBOR,
139
00:05:06,934 --> 00:05:08,332
LOIS GRIFFIN.
140
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,731
IT'S A PLEASURE, LOIS.
WHO'S THE LITTLE GUY?
141
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:11,965
THIS IS STEWIE.
142
00:05:12,034 --> 00:05:14,499
HONEY, SAY HI
TO MR. SWANSON.
143
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:16,199
YOU WILL BOW TO ME.
144
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:22,132
HI. I'M MEG.
I LIVE NEXT DOOR.
145
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,265
I KNOW. I'VE ADMIRED YOU
IN THE GARDEN FROM AFAR.
146
00:05:25,334 --> 00:05:26,598
WILL YOU GO OUT
WITH ME?
147
00:05:26,667 --> 00:05:27,865
I'D LOVE TO.
148
00:05:28,867 --> 00:05:29,932
OH, HE'S GAY.
149
00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:31,032
YOU WISH!
150
00:05:31,101 --> 00:05:33,365
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU MOUTH BREATHER!
151
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,065
[Peter]
I'M AS GOOD AS FIRED.
152
00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:37,798
WHERE THE HELL AM
I GONNA FIND A GUY
AS STRONG AS GUILLERMO?
153
00:05:37,867 --> 00:05:39,598
ONE TIME I WALKED
INTO THE LOCKER ROOM,
154
00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:42,565
I SWEAR HE WAS
BENCH-PRESSING MR. WEED.
155
00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:45,332
GREAT. LOIS IS GETTING
CHUMMY WITH
THE NEW NEIGHBORS.
156
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,266
[Brian]
I THINK SHE WANTS YOU
TO MEET THEM.
157
00:05:47,335 --> 00:05:49,266
SHE'S ALWAYS TRYING
TO MAKE ME BE SOCIAL.
158
00:05:49,335 --> 00:05:50,966
COCKTAIL PARTIES,
SCHOOL FUNCTIONS,
159
00:05:51,034 --> 00:05:53,665
THAT TIME WE PLANTED
TREES IN JERUSALEM.
160
00:05:53,734 --> 00:05:55,799
WHAT? LOOK,
ALL I'M SAYING IS
161
00:05:55,868 --> 00:05:57,565
PUT AN ISRAELI GUY
NEXT TO AN ARAB GUY
162
00:05:57,634 --> 00:05:59,565
AND I CAN'T TELL
THE DIFFERENCE.
163
00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:01,599
YOU MUST BE PETER.
JOE SWANSON.
164
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,231
YEAH, YEAH. NICE
TO MEET YOU, PHIL.
165
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,932
YOU GOT A NEIGHBOR
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF YOUR HOUSE, TOO.
166
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,965
SO, DON'T THINK YOU
ALWAYS HAVE TO BUG ME.
167
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,632
[Laughing]
I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.
168
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:11,665
SAY, DO YOU HAVE
A SCREWDRIVER
I CAN BORROW?
169
00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:13,333
MAN, YOU NEIGHBORS
ARE LIKE VIRUSES.
170
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,866
STARTS WITH
A SCREWDRIVER.
171
00:06:14,934 --> 00:06:16,999
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
YOU'RE USING MY
SUPERMARKET
172
00:06:17,068 --> 00:06:19,166
MY DRY CLEANER,
AND EVEN MY POSTMAN.
173
00:06:19,235 --> 00:06:20,732
JEEZ, CAN YOU BELIEVE
THAT GUY?
174
00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:23,065
"DO YOU HAVE
A SCREWDRIVER
I CAN BORROW?"
175
00:06:23,134 --> 00:06:24,132
WHAT AN ASS.
176
00:06:25,734 --> 00:06:27,798
SO, PETER, DID YOU FIND
A REPLACEMENT
FOR THE TEAM?
177
00:06:27,867 --> 00:06:29,631
NO. BELIEVE ME,
I'VE BEEN LOOKING.
178
00:06:29,701 --> 00:06:32,131
HIDEO-SAN WOULD
BE HONORED TO PLAY
FOR YOUR TEAM.
179
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,665
BUT HE WISHES TO KNOW
WHAT COMPENSATION YOU OFFER.
180
00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:35,899
UH.
181
00:06:35,968 --> 00:06:37,832
ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.
182
00:06:37,901 --> 00:06:40,798
GOSH, I'D LIKE TO HELP,
PETER. BUT I'VE GOTTA
GO OUT IN THE HALL
183
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,865
AND CHEW ON MY
ASS FOR 5 MINUTES.
184
00:06:42,934 --> 00:06:44,799
OH, PETER, I INVITED
JOE AND BONNIE
185
00:06:44,867 --> 00:06:46,364
TO YOUR GAME
ON SATURDAY.
186
00:06:46,433 --> 00:06:48,464
LOIS, I DON'T WANT
THOSE PEOPLE THERE.
187
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:49,999
SEE, THIS IS WHY
I ASK YOU
188
00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:52,066
TO SUBMIT EVERYTHING
TO ME IN WRITING FIRST.
189
00:06:52,133 --> 00:06:54,599
BONNIE TOLD ME JOE
IS A BIG BASEBALL FAN.
190
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:56,399
HE PLAYED IN COLLEGE.
191
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:57,665
HE DID?
192
00:06:57,734 --> 00:06:59,132
WELCOME TO
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
193
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,164
HIYA, JOE.
194
00:07:00,233 --> 00:07:01,699
PETER!
DON'T GET UP.
195
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,265
THIS IS A SURPRISE.
I KINDA THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.
196
00:07:04,334 --> 00:07:06,899
OH, WHAT? BECAUSE OF WHAT
I SAID THIS AFTERNOON. NO, NO.
197
00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:09,898
SEE I HAVE THAT DISEASE
WHERE STUFF POPS
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
198
00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:11,265
GO TO HELL!
GO TO HELL! WHOOPS.
199
00:07:11,333 --> 00:07:13,032
[Laughing]
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
200
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,565
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
201
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,398
I THOUGHT MAYBE
I CROSSED THE LINE
202
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:18,765
WHEN I ASKED TO
BORROW A SCREWDRIVER.
203
00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:20,332
AH. ARE YOU KIDDING?
204
00:07:20,401 --> 00:07:21,732
YOU CAN BORROW
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
205
00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:23,565
GREAT. SAY, YOU DON'T
HAPPEN TO HAVE
206
00:07:23,634 --> 00:07:24,999
ANY PICTURE WIRE, DO YOU?
207
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,264
PICTURE WIRE?
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
208
00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:31,498
SON OF A BITCH!
SON OF A BITCH!
THERE IT GOES AGAIN.
209
00:07:31,567 --> 00:07:32,966
I DON'T WANT TO IMPOSE.
210
00:07:33,034 --> 00:07:35,999
NO PROBLEM. THAT'S
WHAT NEIGHBORS DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY DO?
211
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,632
THEY PLAY ON THEIR
NEIGHBOR'S COMPANY
212
00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:39,431
SOFTBALL TEAM
LIKE THIS SATURDAY.
213
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:40,599
WHAT DO YOU SAY,
NEIGHBOR?
214
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:41,699
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
215
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:43,465
HEY, SO MUCH FUN IT
SHOULD BE ILLEGAL
216
00:07:43,533 --> 00:07:45,498
LIKE COPYRIGHT
INFRINGEMENT.
217
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:48,166
HO, HO! SEE YOU AT
THE GAME, JOE. HO, HO!
218
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:54,299
HEY, YOU WANT
A PIECE OF GUM?
219
00:07:54,368 --> 00:07:55,499
OH, THANKS.
220
00:07:55,567 --> 00:07:57,065
HA HA! THAT
WAS JOKE GUM.
221
00:07:57,134 --> 00:07:58,065
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
222
00:07:58,134 --> 00:07:59,765
NOW YOU'RE
ADDICTED TO HEROIN.
223
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:01,265
[Laughing]
224
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,165
I'M COLD.
225
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,565
[Lois]
HEY, PETER!
226
00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:08,032
[Mr. Weed]
IT'S NICE THAT YOUR
FAMILY IS HERE, PETER.
227
00:08:08,101 --> 00:08:09,766
IF YOUR RINGER
DOESN'T ARRIVE SOON,
228
00:08:09,834 --> 00:08:11,565
YOU CAN SPEND
EVERY DAY WITH THEM
229
00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:12,765
AT HOME.
230
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,198
HE'LL BE HERE,
MR. WEED.
231
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:15,665
YOU SHOULD SEE
THIS GUY IN ACTION.
232
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:16,732
HE CAN HIT,
HE CAN THROW--
233
00:08:16,801 --> 00:08:17,965
PETER!
234
00:08:18,034 --> 00:08:20,532
[Mr. Weed]
WHAT'S HE DOING
IN A WHEELCHAIR?
235
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,798
HOLY CRIP, HE'S A CRAPPLE!
236
00:08:25,533 --> 00:08:27,932
PETER, OUR NEW
SECRET WEAPON
237
00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:30,966
IS THIS VERY
ATTRACTIVE PARAPLEGIC?
238
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:34,165
OK, JOE, YOU GOT ME.
RISE AND SHINE. COME ON.
239
00:08:34,234 --> 00:08:36,298
STAND AND DELIVER.
GET THE HELL UP.
240
00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:38,365
[Laughing]
YOU'RE A HOOT, PETER.
241
00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:39,398
PLAY BALL!
242
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:40,365
LET'S DO IT!
243
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:41,765
I SWEAR
I DIDN'T KNOW.
244
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:43,665
MAYBE THEY WON'T HIT
A LOT OF BALLS TO HIM.
245
00:08:43,734 --> 00:08:44,966
[Joe]
I GOT SHORTSTOP.
246
00:08:45,034 --> 00:08:46,099
[Giggles nervously]
247
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,365
THE MOVERS TRACKED
GREASE ALL OVER
MY CARPET.
248
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:50,431
I TRIED EVERYTHING
TO GET THE STAIN OUT.
249
00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:51,565
WHAT ABOUT
LEMON JUICE?
250
00:08:51,633 --> 00:08:52,665
OH, WHAT ABOUT
CLUB SODA?
251
00:08:52,734 --> 00:08:54,066
WHAT ABOUT
SHUTTING THE HELL UP?
252
00:08:54,833 --> 00:08:56,632
ISN'T BASEBALL GREAT?
253
00:08:57,767 --> 00:09:00,532
THEY SAY BASEBALL'S
THE NATIONAL PASTIME.
254
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,865
I CAN'T TASTE SALT.
255
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,665
CRAP! DON'T HIT IT TO JOE.
256
00:09:07,734 --> 00:09:09,865
PLEASE DON'T HIT IT TO JOE!
PLEASE DON'T HIT IT TO JOE!
257
00:09:11,335 --> 00:09:12,165
AH.
258
00:09:12,234 --> 00:09:13,898
[Crowd cheering]
259
00:09:15,433 --> 00:09:16,699
YOU'RE OUT!
260
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:18,631
WHOA!
ALL RIGHT, JOE!
261
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,398
WAY TO EARN THAT
PARKING SPACE!
262
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:21,366
ALL RIGHT!
JOE!
263
00:09:21,434 --> 00:09:22,332
DID YOU
SEE THAT?
264
00:09:22,401 --> 00:09:23,432
THAT'S
MY JOE!
265
00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:24,831
WHAT THE DEUCE?
266
00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:27,098
HALF MAN, HALF MACHINE.
267
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:30,599
WHY WITH THAT TECHNOLOGY,
I COULD ESCAPE THESE
WRETCHED HARRIDANS!
268
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,032
GO, CYBORG!
269
00:09:36,301 --> 00:09:37,799
[Mr. Weed]
IT ALL RESTS
ON THAT MAN'S
270
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,865
BROAD, RIPPLING
SHOULDERS!
271
00:09:42,034 --> 00:09:43,699
ALL RIGHT, JOE! RUN!
272
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,999
ALL RIGHT, JOE!
COME ON! YEAH!
273
00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:52,198
[Mr. Weed]
HURRY! JOE!
ALL RIGHT! YES, VAMOS!
274
00:09:52,733 --> 00:09:53,765
UGH.
275
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,032
LET'S HEAR IT
FOR JOE!
276
00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:00,598
YEAH, LET'S
HEAR IT FOR THE GUY
WHO FOUND JOE!
277
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,132
YAY! OK.
278
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:03,899
HUH.
279
00:10:06,234 --> 00:10:08,432
THAT'S FINGER
SUCKIN' GOOD, HUH?
280
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,232
IT'S AN OLD
POLICEMEN'S RECIPE.
281
00:10:10,301 --> 00:10:13,099
EAT UP, EVERYONE.
TONIGHT MY WIFE WON'T
BE THE ONLY ONE
282
00:10:13,168 --> 00:10:14,866
ENJOYING A PIG
IN A BLANKET.
283
00:10:14,934 --> 00:10:15,866
[Laughing]
284
00:10:15,934 --> 00:10:17,865
JOE, YOU'RE
SO FUNNY.
285
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:21,132
AH, THEY LOVE THAT ONE
DOWN AT THE PRECINCT.
286
00:10:21,201 --> 00:10:23,599
THIS SUCKS, BRIAN.
JOE IS STEALING
MY THUNDER.
287
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:26,565
HEY, EVERYBODY!
TIME TO LIMBO!
288
00:10:26,634 --> 00:10:28,299
FACE IT. HE'S THE
LIFE OF THE PARTY.
289
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:31,499
OH, YEAH? I'LL SHOW
YOU WHO'S THE LIFE
OF THE PARTY.
290
00:10:31,567 --> 00:10:34,632
HEY, LOOK!
I FELL IN THE POOL
WITH MY CLOTHES ON!
291
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:36,299
HOW HILARIOUS IS THAT?
292
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:38,732
THAT IS SO
PETER GRIFFIN.
HUH? GUYS?
293
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:39,699
HUH?
294
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:40,798
GUYS?
295
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:43,531
THAT'S MY IDEA.
296
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,731
PETER, COME HERE.
297
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,531
FINALLY. A LITTLE
RECOGNITION.
298
00:10:46,601 --> 00:10:48,599
JOE HAS THE MOST
WONDERFUL IDEA.
299
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,198
HEY, I JUST
SUGGESTED A LINE
300
00:10:50,267 --> 00:10:52,366
OF HANDI-CAPABLE
TOYS, YOU KNOW,
301
00:10:52,435 --> 00:10:53,865
TO SHOW KIDS THE FUN SIDE
302
00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:55,698
OF BEING PHYSICALLY
CHALLENGED!
303
00:10:55,767 --> 00:10:57,531
OH, YEAH. THAT'S WHAT KIDS
WANT TO PLAY WITH.
304
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,298
YEAH. A BEANIE
BABY IN A BUBBLE.
305
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,765
WHAT ABOUT MY IDEA?
COME ON!
306
00:11:00,833 --> 00:11:02,598
TOOTIE MORPHS
INTO A STINK BUG.
307
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:06,132
JOE, YOU'RE EXACTLY
THE KIND OF MAN WE
NEED AT OUR COMPANY.
308
00:11:06,201 --> 00:11:07,531
PETER, MAKE
YOURSELF USEFUL.
309
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,965
GO GET JOE
A DRINK.
310
00:11:09,034 --> 00:11:11,598
JEEZ, FIRST HE
TAKES MY FRIENDS.
THEN HE TAKES MY JOB.
311
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:13,598
BUT THE WAY I WEAR MY HAT...
312
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:16,632
NO, NO. HE CAN'T
TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.
313
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:19,765
YOU! HOW CAME
YOU BY THIS METAL
CONSTRUCT?
314
00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:21,431
I DEMAND TO
KNOW WHO MADE YOU!
315
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,598
STEWIE, IT'S NOT
POLITE TO POINT.
316
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,099
I'M SO SORRY.
317
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:26,498
THAT'S OK, LOIS.
318
00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:28,632
HE'S JUST CURIOUS
ABOUT THE CHAIR.
319
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:32,464
ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO
I WAS INVESTIGATING
A ROBBERY AT AN ORPHANAGE.
320
00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:35,498
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE
AND SOME PRESENTS
HAD BEEN STOLEN.
321
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,266
[Grunting]
322
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:47,832
REACH FOR THE SKY,
DIRTBAG!
323
00:11:47,901 --> 00:11:50,765
ALL RIGHT, PAL!
YOU'VE STOLEN
YOUR LAST CHRISTMAS.
324
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,198
UGH.
325
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,532
[Both grunting]
326
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:22,932
"YOU THINK YOU HAVE WON
YOU THINK ALL IS WELL
327
00:12:23,001 --> 00:12:26,732
"BUT KISS MY GREEN ASS
I SHALL SEE YOU IN HELL!"
328
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:28,866
WHOA!
329
00:12:29,268 --> 00:12:30,231
AAH!
330
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:33,999
[Groaning]
331
00:12:35,867 --> 00:12:37,098
ARE YOU TIMMY?
332
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:40,098
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
TIMMY.
333
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:42,166
[All sniffling]
334
00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:43,631
OH, ENOUGH!
335
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:46,598
IF YOU WON'T SHARE
YOUR TECHNOLOGICAL
SCHEMATA WITH ME PEACEABLY,
336
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:49,565
I SHALL TAKE THE
INFORMATION FROM
YOU BY FORCE!
337
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:51,999
WOW. LOOKS LIKE
YOU HAVE A FAN.
338
00:12:52,068 --> 00:12:53,364
COME ON. LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
339
00:12:53,433 --> 00:12:54,698
PETER, YOU
CAN'T LEAVE.
340
00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:56,266
SORRY, I PROMISED
THE WIFE AND KIDS
341
00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:58,732
I'D TAKE THEM ON
A DREAM VACATION
342
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,232
TO HAWAII RIGHT NOW.
SAY ALOHA, KIDS.
343
00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:02,699
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
344
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:04,932
WE WANT TO HEAR MORE
OF MR. SWANSON'S STORIES.
345
00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:07,565
HE'S COOL, DAD.
HE KILLED A GUY.
346
00:13:07,634 --> 00:13:10,131
WELL, TECHNICALLY HE
WAS KILLED BY THE STATE,
347
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,865
BUT FUNNY STORY.
348
00:13:11,934 --> 00:13:14,999
HE DID CURSE MY NAME
JUST BEFORE THE INJECTION.
349
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,598
[All laughing]
350
00:13:17,801 --> 00:13:19,699
PETER, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?
351
00:13:19,767 --> 00:13:21,932
WHY ARE YOU GUYS
MAKING SUCH A BIG
DEAL OVER JOE?
352
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,832
YOU DON'T ADMIRE
WHEELCHAIR PEOPLE.
353
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,665
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
FEEL SORRY FOR THEM.
354
00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:27,765
WHEN DID IT BECOME OK
TO BE HANDICAPPED?
355
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,398
DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!
356
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:32,066
HE'S A REMARKABLE MAN
AND THE REST OF
YOUR FAMILY ADORES HIM!
357
00:13:32,133 --> 00:13:34,299
FINE. THEN WHY DON'T
YOU ALL MARRY HIM?
358
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:37,632
AND IF HE'S SO REMARKABLE,
LET'S SEE HIM DO THIS.
359
00:13:37,701 --> 00:13:39,632
HEY, LOOK AT ME.
I'M WALKING.
360
00:13:39,701 --> 00:13:41,699
OOH, I'M A REMARKABLE MAN.
361
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:46,232
[People chattering]
362
00:13:46,301 --> 00:13:48,199
WELL, LOOK WHO
FINALLY CAME HOME.
363
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:50,898
JEEZ, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GONNA SPEND
ALL NIGHT AT JOE'S.
364
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:53,866
OH, I COULD'VE. THAT MAN
HAS GOT MAGIC FINGERS.
365
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,398
HE FOUND THIS ONE
SPOT BEHIND MY EAR, I...
366
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,999
FORGET ABOUT IT.
I THOUGHT MY LEG
WAS NEVER GONNA STOP.
367
00:13:59,068 --> 00:14:00,599
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
368
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:03,099
MY WHOLE FAMILY
WORSHIPS THE GROUND
THAT GUY CAN'T WALK ON.
369
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,364
IT'S NOT TOO HARD
TO SEE WHY. HE'S A HERO.
370
00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:06,998
HE MAKES THE WORLD
A BETTER PLACE.
371
00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:09,065
HEY, HEY. I'VE DONE LOTS OF
THINGS TO HELP PEOPLE.
372
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:11,731
REMEMBER THE TIME
I SANG TO THE KIDS
AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL?
373
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,265
YES, AND YOU FORGOT
THE WORDS.
374
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:14,965
♪ JESUS LOVES ME ♪
375
00:14:15,034 --> 00:14:16,798
♪ HE LOVES ME A BUNCH ♪
376
00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:18,932
♪ BECAUSE HE
ALWAYS PUTS SKIPPY ♪
377
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,565
♪ IN MY LUNCH ♪
378
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:22,765
NO. IT'S NOT
THE SAME THING.
379
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:25,333
JOE PUTS HIMSELF
IN REAL DANGER
EVERY DAY.
380
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,531
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL NEVER BE THAT
KIND OF HERO.
381
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,198
UNLESS I PUT MYSELF
IN REAL DANGER, TOO!
382
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:33,298
FOR MY FAMILY'S SAKE!
383
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:35,565
WHY ARE THE PRETTY
ONES ALWAYS SO DUMB?
384
00:14:45,034 --> 00:14:45,966
AAH!
385
00:14:46,034 --> 00:14:46,998
[Cat screeching]
386
00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:49,232
[Radio]
WE HAVE A GANG SHOOTING
387
00:14:49,301 --> 00:14:51,164
ON THIRD AND MAIN.
3 WOUNDED, 1 DEAD.
388
00:14:51,233 --> 00:14:53,499
IS IT ME OR IS
RAP MUSIC JUST
GETTING LAZIER?
389
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:55,099
NO. IT'S MY NEW
POLICE SCANNER.
390
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:56,632
THIS HERO THING
IS GONNA BE EASY
391
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:58,132
ONCE I FIND
THE RIGHT CRIME.
392
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,465
WE HAVE A DOMESTIC
DISTURBANCE--
393
00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:00,465
BORING!
394
00:15:00,534 --> 00:15:01,665
REPORT OF A STABBING IN--
395
00:15:01,733 --> 00:15:02,832
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
396
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,599
ALL UNITS! A MAJOR
BANK ROBBERY
397
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:06,532
IS IN PROGRESS AT
QUAHOG BANK AND TRUST.
398
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,799
SUSPECTS ARE ARMED
AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
399
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:10,265
PERFECT! WHERE'S
LOIS AND THE KIDS?
400
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:11,332
UH, OVER AT JOE'S.
401
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:12,366
WELL, GO FETCH 'EM.
402
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:13,333
THEY'RE ABOUT TO SEE
403
00:15:13,401 --> 00:15:14,698
A REAL HERO IN ACTION.
404
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:15,898
TO THE BATCAVE!
405
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:23,799
OH-OH.
406
00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:24,899
[Bats screeching]
407
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:27,531
[Peter]
OH, GOD! OH, GOD! OH, GOD!
408
00:15:30,134 --> 00:15:31,898
[Peter]
YOU GUYS THOUGHT
JOE WAS SOMETHING.
409
00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:33,498
YOU AIN'T SEEN
NOTHIN' YET.
410
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:36,232
[Lois]
PETER, WHAT'S
THE BIG RUSH?
411
00:15:36,301 --> 00:15:37,865
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS
WAIT RIGHT HERE.
412
00:15:37,934 --> 00:15:39,731
DADDY'S GONNA MAKE
A LITTLE WITHDRAWAL.
413
00:15:41,534 --> 00:15:43,133
LET'S GIVE TAMMY
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
414
00:15:43,201 --> 00:15:45,999
THIS WAS HER FIRST
ROBBERY AND SHE
WAS VERY BRAVE.
415
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:48,365
MMM.
416
00:15:48,434 --> 00:15:49,665
NOW BEFORE WE GO--
417
00:15:49,734 --> 00:15:50,966
NO, DON'T GO.
418
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,265
OH, PRINCESS,
WE HAVE TO.
419
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:54,699
[Peter]
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR
STRIPED PAJAMAS, BOYS.
420
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,698
'CAUSE THERE'S
A 5-YEAR SLEEPOVER
421
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,832
AT THE BIG HOUSE.
AND YOU'RE INVITED.
422
00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:00,398
YOU'LL NEVER
TAKE US ALIVE!
423
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:02,099
[Guns firing]
424
00:16:02,168 --> 00:16:04,598
LOIS AND THE KIDS
SHOULD BE IN
HERE TO SEE THIS.
425
00:16:04,667 --> 00:16:06,298
YES. IT'S GOING
VERY WELL.
426
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:08,032
MOM, WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU LIKE A BOY
427
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,731
BUT HE DOESN'T
EVEN NOTICE YOU?
428
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,464
MEG LOVES KEVIN.
429
00:16:11,533 --> 00:16:13,198
SHUT UP, YOU BIG
SACK OF DOG VOMIT!
430
00:16:13,266 --> 00:16:16,898
MEG, YOU'RE A
SWEET, LOVELY GIRL.
HE'LL COME AROUND.
431
00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:18,332
SUCH A MOM ANSWER.
432
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,265
WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED
SHOWING OFF THE GOODS?
433
00:16:20,334 --> 00:16:22,498
HOW'S THAT FOR
A MOM ANSWER?
434
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,199
CREEPY.
435
00:16:24,268 --> 00:16:26,498
OH, I SAW SOME CUTE
DRESSES DOWN THE STREET.
436
00:16:26,566 --> 00:16:29,731
IF NOTHING ELSE, IT'LL
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
437
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,365
WELL, IF YOU
WANT TO BE A HERO,
438
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:32,999
RIGHT NOW MIGHT
BE A GOOD TIME.
439
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,465
THIS ISN'T WHAT
I WAS EXPECTING.
440
00:16:34,534 --> 00:16:36,565
I THOUGHT BEING A HERO
WOULD BE ALL FUN AND GAMES.
441
00:16:39,601 --> 00:16:41,699
SORRY, WONDER WOMAN.
I GOT 3 KINGS.
442
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,333
NOW LET'S SEE
YOUR PAIR.
443
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,299
[Sighing]
444
00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:49,032
ALL RIGHT. ROBIN,
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING
AT ME FOR? LOOK AT HER.
445
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:51,932
COME ON. LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
446
00:16:52,001 --> 00:16:53,232
OH,
PERFECT.
447
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:55,999
WE GOT HOSTAGES IN HERE!
DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY!
448
00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:57,665
DON'T WORRY, BRIAN.
I GOT A PLAN.
449
00:16:57,733 --> 00:17:00,131
OH, GOOD. I WAS AFRAID
YOU WERE JUST
GONNA IMPROVISE.
450
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,132
OH. ACTUALLY, I WAS GONNA
USE THE LITTLE GIRL
AS A HUMAN SHIELD
451
00:17:03,201 --> 00:17:04,398
AND RUN LIKE HELL.
452
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:06,598
BUT IMPROVISE, THAT'LL
BE EASIER ON MY BACK.
453
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:09,765
OK, IN THIS IMPROV,
454
00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:11,066
TAMMY AND THE
SHORT ROBBER
455
00:17:11,135 --> 00:17:12,066
ARE HUSBAND AND WIFE.
456
00:17:12,135 --> 00:17:13,066
[Giggling]
457
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,298
OK. AND WHERE
ARE WE?
458
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,799
A BAR!
A PET STORE!
459
00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:17,364
GUADALAJARA,
MEXICO!
460
00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:18,832
OK, OK. I HEARD
PET STORE.
461
00:17:18,901 --> 00:17:20,999
AND I'M THE GRUFF
BUT LOVABLE OWNER.
462
00:17:21,068 --> 00:17:22,431
ALL RIGHT. BEGIN.
463
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:25,333
HELLO, MARRIED COUPLE.
I SEE YOU FOUND A PUPPY.
464
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,698
YEAH. HIS NAME IS SPARKY.
465
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:27,765
[All giggling]
466
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:29,364
WELL, BEFORE YOU
TAKE SPARKY HOME,
467
00:17:29,433 --> 00:17:30,966
LET ME CHECK HIM
FOR WORMS.
468
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:33,399
OK, DROP IT!
469
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:35,199
[Cheering]
470
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:39,531
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
471
00:17:42,068 --> 00:17:43,232
[Cop]
ALL RIGHT, STAND BACK!
472
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:44,398
WHOA. HANG ON.
473
00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:45,732
SORRY, NO ONE
CAN LEAVE.
474
00:17:45,801 --> 00:17:46,899
[Groaning]
475
00:17:46,968 --> 00:17:49,032
LISTEN, THE WHOLE
REASON I SAVED
YOU GUYS TODAY
476
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:50,665
WAS SO I COULD
BE A HERO.
477
00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:53,099
SEE, THIS WHEELCHAIR GUY
MOVED IN NEXT DOOR
478
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:55,632
AND HE CAN DO ALL
THESE GREAT THINGS AND...
479
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,765
YOUR FAMILY IDOLIZES
THE LOUSY CRIPPLE
AND NOT YOU?
480
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:00,299
THAT'S RIGHT!
HOW'D YOU KNOW?
481
00:18:00,368 --> 00:18:02,365
WE'VE ALL
BEEN THERE.
482
00:18:02,433 --> 00:18:04,898
COOL! THE BANK
IS GETTING JACKED!
483
00:18:04,967 --> 00:18:06,598
OFFICER, MY
HUSBAND'S IN THERE!
484
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:07,932
CAN YOU TELL ME
IF HE'S OK?
485
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,264
WHAT'S HE
LOOK LIKE?
486
00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:11,865
[Lois]
HE'S WEARING A WHITE-
COLLARED SHIRT,
487
00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:13,632
KIND OF BIG, WITH GLASSES.
488
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:14,599
[Cop]
I GOT HIM.
489
00:18:14,667 --> 00:18:15,632
OH, THANK GOD.
490
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:16,632
TAKE HIM OUT.
491
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:17,698
NO!
492
00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:19,032
HEY, THERE'S MY FAMILY.
493
00:18:19,101 --> 00:18:20,832
I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW I ROB BANKS
494
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:22,999
BECAUSE A DEAF
MAN STOLE MY JOB
AT THE PHONE COMPANY.
495
00:18:23,068 --> 00:18:24,298
AW.
496
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:27,066
SO IF ANYONE'S
GONNA BUST ME, I'M
GLAD IT'S YOU.
497
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,698
BUT--BUT I WAS
GONNA BE A HERO.
498
00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:32,199
NOBODY'S GOING
ANYWHERE!
499
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,732
JOE, IT'S PETER!
HE'S IN TROUBLE!
500
00:18:36,801 --> 00:18:38,899
A FAILED ROBBERY AT
QUAHOG BANK AND TRUST
501
00:18:38,967 --> 00:18:41,798
HAS LED TO A TERRIFYING
HOSTAGE SITUATION.
502
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,365
THAT'S RIGHT.
A HOSTAGE SITUATION.
503
00:18:46,433 --> 00:18:47,498
I GOTTA GO.
504
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:49,631
I KNOW.
505
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:51,665
IF WE WANT THE COPS
TO TAKE US SERIOUSLY,
506
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:53,932
WE HAVE TO WASTE
A HOSTAGE. BUT WHO?
507
00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:55,799
EXCUSE ME. SHOULDN'T
THAT BE "WHOM"?
508
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:56,832
OK, YOU.
509
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:57,865
CRAP!
510
00:18:57,934 --> 00:18:59,598
THIS IS POLICE
LT. JOE SWANSON.
511
00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:01,298
I KNOW WE CAN WORK
THIS OUT TOGETHER.
512
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:02,831
AH, JEEZ,
NOT HIM AGAIN.
513
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,799
I HOPE THIS PLACE ISN'T
WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE.
514
00:19:04,868 --> 00:19:06,299
BONNIE, IT'S PETER.
515
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:09,131
DON'T WORRY. JOE'S AN
EXCELLENT NEGOTIATOR.
516
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,799
I WAS A VIRGIN
WHEN WE MET.
517
00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:12,498
IT TOOK HIM 3 HOURS.
518
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:18,065
I CAN'T BELIEVE
MY DAD IS IN THERE.
519
00:19:18,134 --> 00:19:20,698
THIS'LL PROBABLY SCAR ME
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
520
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,765
I GOT A NEW DRESS.
521
00:19:23,834 --> 00:19:26,332
TRY TALKING
ABOUT HIM.
522
00:19:26,401 --> 00:19:28,665
SO, UH, DO YOU
LIKE MUSIC?
523
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,966
YEAH! I PLAYED GUITAR
IN A BAND BEFORE WE MOVED.
524
00:19:31,034 --> 00:19:33,799
BUT IT INTERFERED
WITH MY STUDIES.
WHAT DO YOU LISTEN TO?
525
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:34,966
YOU FIRST.
526
00:19:35,034 --> 00:19:37,132
I'M INTO GARBAGE,
PHISH, BLUR.
527
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,398
MY PARENTS DON'T LIKE ME
LISTENING TO THAT STUFF.
528
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:40,431
BUT I DO ANYWAY
529
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,598
[Yelling]
BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT!
530
00:19:43,234 --> 00:19:44,898
I ALSO LIKE RADIOHEAD.
531
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:48,465
AND EVEN THOUGH
SOCIETY HAS TURNED
ITS BACK ON YOU,
532
00:19:48,534 --> 00:19:51,032
I PROMISE YOU THERE
ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE.
533
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,498
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M ONE OF THEM.
534
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,732
HE SURE GETS IT.
535
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,798
MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
WE CAN MAKE
A NEW START.
536
00:19:56,867 --> 00:19:58,132
OH, COME ON, GUYS.
537
00:19:58,201 --> 00:20:00,299
DON'T LET HIM SWEET
TALK YOU LIKE THAT.
538
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,632
WAIT. YOU CAN'T
LEAVE NOW.
539
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,698
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
THE HERO HERE. WAIT!
540
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,065
CAN YOU LET ME
PISTOL-WHIP YOU
541
00:20:05,134 --> 00:20:07,065
A COUPLE TIMES
FOR THE CAMERA?
542
00:20:07,134 --> 00:20:11,632
DANG, STUPID ROBBERS
WITH YOUR GUNS AND
YOUR MAKE-OUT PARTIES.
543
00:20:11,701 --> 00:20:13,331
[Crowd cheering]
544
00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:21,099
A HA! EXCELLENT!
545
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,832
THEY DETACHED
THE HUMAN COMPONENT
FROM THE MACHINE.
546
00:20:23,901 --> 00:20:27,632
MACHINE, I AM YOUR NEW MASTER
AND I ORDER YOU TO GO!
547
00:20:28,034 --> 00:20:29,432
ENGAGE!
548
00:20:29,501 --> 00:20:32,965
BLAST! MUST BE SOME KIND OF
PROPRIETARY COMMAND SYSTEM.
549
00:20:33,034 --> 00:20:35,499
NOW ON THE RUSSIAN MIG,
IT'S NEXT TO THE ALTIMETER.
550
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:38,798
THERE YOU ARE.
I CAN'T TURN MY BACK
ON YOU FOR A SECOND.
551
00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:42,165
OH! ONE DAY I SHALL
UNLOCK THE SECRET
OF THAT DEVICE.
552
00:20:42,233 --> 00:20:44,366
AND WHEN I DO, MOTHER,
VICTORY SHALL BE--
553
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:50,032
PETER, YOU HAD US
SO WORRIED.
554
00:20:50,101 --> 00:20:52,332
WHAT ON EARTH WERE
YOU TRYING TO PROVE?
555
00:20:52,401 --> 00:20:54,799
I'M SORRY. JOE
IS A GREAT GUY.
556
00:20:54,868 --> 00:20:57,299
I GUESS I WAS
JUST TIRED OF HIM
BEING YOUR HERO.
557
00:20:57,367 --> 00:21:00,665
PETER, JOE IS A HERO.
BUT HE'S NOT OUR HERO.
558
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:01,665
YOU ARE.
559
00:21:01,734 --> 00:21:02,765
REALLY?
560
00:21:02,834 --> 00:21:03,932
YEAH.
561
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,132
YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT
THERE ON THE COUCH FOR US,
562
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,565
MAKING US LAUGH
WHEN WE'RE UPSET.
563
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,599
CHANGING THE CHANNEL WHEN
SOMETHING BORING COMES ON.
564
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:13,232
EATING THE LAST
SLICE OF PIZZA
565
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:14,998
SO THE REST OF US
DON'T FIGHT OVER IT.
566
00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:16,998
YEAH, DADDY.
IF YOU HADN'T
PULLED THIS STUNT
567
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,298
I NEVER WOULD'VE LEARNED
HOW TO MANIPULATE KEVIN.
568
00:21:19,366 --> 00:21:21,698
AND WHEN THE KIDS AT
SCHOOL SEE US ON T.V.
569
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:23,631
THEY'LL THINK
YOU'RE A TOTAL PSYCHO.
570
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,432
AND I CAN SAY,
"THAT PSYCHO IS MY DAD!"
571
00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:30,232
I WOULDN'T HAVE
WON SILVER IN NAGANO,
HAD YOU NOT DRIVEN ME
572
00:21:30,301 --> 00:21:32,165
TO THE ICE RINK EVERY
MORNING AT 6:00 A.M.
573
00:21:32,233 --> 00:21:33,132
HUH.
574
00:21:33,201 --> 00:21:34,765
I GUESS BEING A
HERO ISN'T ALWAYS
575
00:21:34,834 --> 00:21:37,365
ABOUT SAVING LIVES
AND CATCHING BAD GUYS.
576
00:21:37,434 --> 00:21:40,098
IT'S ALSO ABOUT
JUST BEING THERE
FOR THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
577
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:42,165
HELP! SOMEONE JUST
STOLE MY PURSE!
578
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:44,632
WHO CARES?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
579
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:49,632
♪[Theme music playing]