1
00:00:03,752 --> 00:00:05,150
OH, MACHIAVELLI!
2
00:00:05,218 --> 00:00:07,150
YOU'VE TOLD ME NOTHING
I DON'T ALREADY KNOW!
3
00:00:07,219 --> 00:00:10,116
AH, SUN TZU'S
THE ART OF WAR.
4
00:00:10,185 --> 00:00:12,250
STEWIE, THOSE BOOKS
AREN'T FOR BABIES.
5
00:00:12,319 --> 00:00:14,150
HERE. WATCH
THE TELETUBBIES.
6
00:00:14,219 --> 00:00:16,416
HOW DARE YOU! THAT
BOOK MAY HOLD THE KEY
7
00:00:16,485 --> 00:00:18,251
TO MY ENSLAVING
OF ALL MANKIND.
8
00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:19,416
OOH, FUZZY.
9
00:00:19,485 --> 00:00:20,650
[Giggling]
10
00:00:20,719 --> 00:00:22,216
TICKLE.
11
00:00:22,285 --> 00:00:23,350
GOD. THE MORE
I RESIST,
12
00:00:23,419 --> 00:00:24,850
THE MORE INTRIGUING
THEY BECOME!
13
00:00:24,919 --> 00:00:26,583
I CAN'T LOOK AWAY!
14
00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:28,117
AGAIN! AGAIN!
15
00:00:28,186 --> 00:00:29,716
YES! YES!
AGAIN! AGAIN!
16
00:00:29,785 --> 00:00:31,783
OH, DEAR GOD,
PLEASE ONCE MORE!
17
00:00:31,852 --> 00:00:33,017
UH, SORRY, STEWIE.
18
00:00:33,085 --> 00:00:34,483
A&E BIOGRAPHY
IS DOING
19
00:00:34,552 --> 00:00:36,182
THE LIFE OF THE OTHER
GUY FROM WHAM.
20
00:00:36,251 --> 00:00:37,750
I'M FREE! FREE
FROM THE SPELL
21
00:00:37,819 --> 00:00:40,151
OF THOSE DIABOLICAL
TELETUBBIES!
22
00:00:40,218 --> 00:00:42,117
THANK YOU. WHEN
THE WORLD IS MINE,
23
00:00:42,185 --> 00:00:44,683
YOUR DEATH SHALL BE
QUICK AND PAINLESS.
24
00:00:44,752 --> 00:00:48,116
♪ IT SEEMS TODAY
THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪
25
00:00:48,185 --> 00:00:51,583
♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
AND SEX ON T.V. ♪
26
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:55,049
♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪
27
00:00:55,118 --> 00:00:57,450
♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪
28
00:00:58,251 --> 00:01:01,350
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
29
00:01:01,418 --> 00:01:04,550
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO'LL
POSITIVELY TELL YOU ♪
30
00:01:04,619 --> 00:01:06,383
♪ ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE US ♪
31
00:01:06,451 --> 00:01:08,116
♪ LAUGH 'N' CRY ♪
32
00:01:08,185 --> 00:01:13,116
♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
33
00:01:16,519 --> 00:01:17,817
ATTENTION,
PLEASE.
34
00:01:17,885 --> 00:01:19,449
TOMORROW IS SOFTBALL PRACTICE.
35
00:01:19,518 --> 00:01:20,650
WE HAVE A LOT
OF WORK TO DO
36
00:01:20,719 --> 00:01:21,850
FOR SATURDAY'S GAME.
37
00:01:21,918 --> 00:01:24,050
LET'S NOT FORGET HOW
BADLY WE WERE HUMILIATED
38
00:01:24,119 --> 00:01:26,316
LAST YEAR BY PAWTUCKET
JOKE AND NOVELTIES.
39
00:01:27,685 --> 00:01:29,883
[People laughing]
40
00:01:31,019 --> 00:01:32,783
[Laughs]
LOOK AT THOSE MORONS
41
00:01:32,852 --> 00:01:34,783
AND THEIR STUPID
GLASSES.
42
00:01:34,852 --> 00:01:36,350
OH, MAN.
I HATE THOSE GUYS.
43
00:01:36,418 --> 00:01:38,217
MORE THAN I HATE
SPINACH, TRAFFIC JAMS,
44
00:01:38,285 --> 00:01:40,050
AND THE LAST FEW
YEARS OF MASH.
45
00:01:40,118 --> 00:01:42,283
WHEN ALAN ALDA TOOK OVER
BEHIND THE CAMERA
46
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,383
AND THE SHOW GOT ALL
DRAMATIC AND PREACHY? HUH?
47
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:46,016
AM I RIGHT?
WHO'S WITH ME? HUH?
48
00:01:46,085 --> 00:01:48,049
THIS YEAR WE WILL
DEFEAT THOSE PRANKSTERS
49
00:01:48,118 --> 00:01:50,050
WITH OUR SECRET WEAPON...
50
00:01:50,118 --> 00:01:51,550
GUILLERMO.
51
00:01:53,085 --> 00:01:54,116
UGH.
52
00:01:54,185 --> 00:01:55,550
BRAVO!
53
00:01:55,618 --> 00:01:57,417
I HIRED GUILLERMO
BECAUSE I BELIEVE
54
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,216
HE'LL BE AN
ASSET TO OUR COMPANY
55
00:01:59,284 --> 00:02:01,150
ON AND OFF THE FIELD.
56
00:02:01,218 --> 00:02:03,616
YOU HAVE IMPECCABLE
CREDENTIALS.
57
00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:07,116
I'M SURE I CAN
FIND A POSITION
FOR YOU SOMEWHERE.
58
00:02:07,185 --> 00:02:08,416
BACK TO WORK,
PEOPLE.
59
00:02:08,485 --> 00:02:10,283
HEY, MR. WEED,
I GOT A GREAT IDEA
60
00:02:10,351 --> 00:02:12,283
FOR A NEW LINE OF T.V.
ACTION FIGURES...
61
00:02:12,351 --> 00:02:14,416
FACTS OF LIFE
TRANSFORMERS, HUH?
62
00:02:14,485 --> 00:02:16,217
WATCH THE
TRANSFORMATION.
63
00:02:16,285 --> 00:02:17,583
CUTE AS A BUTTON,
64
00:02:17,652 --> 00:02:19,117
FAT AS A COW,
65
00:02:19,185 --> 00:02:21,250
RADIOACTIVE
SCORPION, HUH?
66
00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:23,984
WATCH OUT, MRS. GARRETT.
HERE COMES BLAIR.
67
00:02:24,052 --> 00:02:25,016
I'LL CONSIDER IT.
68
00:02:25,085 --> 00:02:26,283
HE'LL CONSIDER IT!
69
00:02:26,352 --> 00:02:27,850
I GOT ANOTHER ONE
70
00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:30,217
WHERE NATALIE'S ONE OF
THOSE SPITTIN' LIZARDS
FROM JURASSIC PARK.
71
00:02:30,286 --> 00:02:32,383
[Applause]
72
00:02:35,051 --> 00:02:37,083
PAT, I'D LIKE
TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
73
00:02:37,151 --> 00:02:39,183
"GO TUCK YOURSELF IN."
74
00:02:39,251 --> 00:02:40,450
[Pat]
YOU GOT IT.
75
00:02:40,518 --> 00:02:42,117
WELL, YOU WERE
CLOSE, DAD.
76
00:02:42,186 --> 00:02:43,283
YEAH. I STILL
CAN'T BELIEVE
77
00:02:43,351 --> 00:02:45,649
WE MISSED THE PHRASE,
"MY HAIRY AUNT."
78
00:02:45,718 --> 00:02:48,149
COME ON, BRIAN.
I GOTTA GET TO
SOFTBALL PRACTICE.
79
00:02:48,218 --> 00:02:50,082
PRACTICE? I THOUGHT
WE'D GO NEXT DOOR
80
00:02:50,151 --> 00:02:51,650
AND WELCOME
OUR NEW NEIGHBORS.
81
00:02:51,719 --> 00:02:53,950
NO. I DON'T
WANT ANYTHING TO DO
WITH NEIGHBORS.
82
00:02:54,018 --> 00:02:55,950
LAST GUY WHO LIVED
NEXT DOOR BORROWED
MY TOASTER.
83
00:02:56,018 --> 00:02:58,016
NEVER SAW IT AGAIN.
84
00:02:58,085 --> 00:03:01,416
IF THAT SLUT WANTS
FULL CUSTODY OF THE KIDS,
SHE'S GOT IT.
85
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,650
[Zapping]
86
00:03:03,718 --> 00:03:05,984
PETER, THEY MIGHT
BE VERY NICE PEOPLE.
87
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,750
"VERY NICE PEOPLE."
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALWAYS SAY.
88
00:03:08,819 --> 00:03:10,850
THEN YOU OPEN UP THE
SEPTIC TANK AND BAM!
89
00:03:10,918 --> 00:03:12,349
SKELETON CITY!
90
00:03:17,619 --> 00:03:19,284
OH, PERVERT!
91
00:03:19,352 --> 00:03:21,217
OH, DON'T FLATTER
YOURSELF, HONEY.
92
00:03:21,286 --> 00:03:22,650
I DON'T HAVE
ANY SWEAT GLANDS.
93
00:03:22,718 --> 00:03:24,650
OK, MY HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
TOY BOYS,
94
00:03:24,718 --> 00:03:26,116
TIME FOR
BATTING PRACTICE.
95
00:03:26,185 --> 00:03:28,116
GUILLERMO, YOU'RE UP.
96
00:03:28,185 --> 00:03:29,950
UNFORTUNATELY
JOHNSON ISN'T HERE
97
00:03:30,019 --> 00:03:31,716
TO PITCH TODAY.
HIS WIFE IS IN LABOR.
98
00:03:31,785 --> 00:03:34,684
OH, WHAT? IS THE
BABY COMING OUT OF HIM?
JEEZ, I'LL PITCH.
99
00:03:34,752 --> 00:03:36,783
HA! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
MORE QUESTIONABLE,
100
00:03:36,852 --> 00:03:38,850
YOUR PITCHING ARM OR
BILL CLINTON'S INTEGRITY.
101
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,116
OH, HOW HARD--
102
00:03:40,184 --> 00:03:42,249
[Studio audience laughing]
103
00:03:44,418 --> 00:03:46,750
OH, HOW HARD CAN
IT BE TO PITCH?
104
00:03:49,452 --> 00:03:50,383
[Grunts]
105
00:03:50,452 --> 00:03:51,717
AAH!
106
00:03:51,785 --> 00:03:53,550
UH, OK. TAKE YOUR BASE.
107
00:03:53,619 --> 00:03:55,116
SOMEBODY CALL 911.
108
00:03:55,185 --> 00:03:58,217
TELL THEM HE IS
ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN
AND WHITE ZINFANDEL!
109
00:03:58,285 --> 00:04:00,383
IDIOT! IF YOU
DON'T FIND A RINGER
110
00:04:00,451 --> 00:04:03,150
TO REPLACE GUILLERMO,
YOU'RE FIRED!
111
00:04:03,218 --> 00:04:05,249
OH, MAN. WHAT'LL I
DO IF I GET FIRED?
112
00:04:05,318 --> 00:04:06,917
I'LL HAVE TO GO
BACK TO MY OLD JOB
113
00:04:06,986 --> 00:04:08,349
AS A CALVIN KLEIN
MODEL.
114
00:04:08,418 --> 00:04:10,416
[Woman #1]
I DON'T WANT TO BE JUST
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
115
00:04:10,485 --> 00:04:12,249
[Man]
BUT I DON'T WANT
TO BE DIFFERENT.
116
00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:15,249
[Woman #2]
I JUST WANT TO BE.
117
00:04:15,318 --> 00:04:17,349
[Peter]
WHAT WAS THE NAME
OF THE BAD GUY
118
00:04:17,418 --> 00:04:19,216
FROM TRON?
119
00:04:19,285 --> 00:04:21,617
AH, THIS IS GONNA
DRIVE ME NUTS!
120
00:04:21,685 --> 00:04:23,817
MOVING IS NEVER
EASY ON A FAMILY.
121
00:04:23,885 --> 00:04:27,516
WELL, WE ARE GONNA
MISS THE GO-GO-GO
PACE OF PROVIDENCE.
122
00:04:27,585 --> 00:04:29,182
BUT WITH NUMBER 2
ON THE WAY,
123
00:04:29,251 --> 00:04:30,917
JOE THOUGHT IT WAS
TIME TO MOVE.
124
00:04:30,986 --> 00:04:33,249
AND I CAN'T SAY
NO TO JOE.
125
00:04:33,952 --> 00:04:35,016
EVER.
126
00:04:35,085 --> 00:04:37,883
OH, QUAHOG CAN BE
PRETTY EXCITING, TOO.
127
00:04:37,952 --> 00:04:40,550
LAST WEEK, SOMEONE
LOST AN EYE AT BINGO.
128
00:04:40,619 --> 00:04:42,817
I-17. OH, DARN IT.
129
00:04:43,518 --> 00:04:45,051
AAH!
130
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,982
OH, I HAVEN'T PLAYED
BINGO IN YEARS!
131
00:04:48,051 --> 00:04:50,050
SILENCE! EVER SINCE
YOU TWO MET,
132
00:04:50,119 --> 00:04:52,183
YOU'VE DONE NOTHING
BUT WAX IDIOTIC!
133
00:04:52,252 --> 00:04:54,416
I MUST ESCAPE THIS
INFERNAL BABBLE! AH!
134
00:04:54,485 --> 00:04:55,550
[Laughs]
135
00:04:55,618 --> 00:04:57,616
WHAT A LITTLE EXPLORER.
136
00:04:57,685 --> 00:04:59,784
YES. HE'S SO FULL
OF WONDER.
137
00:04:59,852 --> 00:05:02,550
OH, TO BE THE LINDBERGH
BABY RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
138
00:05:03,818 --> 00:05:05,683
JOE, YOU HAVE TO MEET
OUR NEW NEIGHBOR,
139
00:05:05,752 --> 00:05:07,150
LOIS GRIFFIN.
140
00:05:07,218 --> 00:05:09,549
IT'S A PLEASURE, LOIS.
WHO'S THE LITTLE GUY?
141
00:05:09,618 --> 00:05:10,783
THIS IS STEWIE.
142
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,317
HONEY, SAY HI
TO MR. SWANSON.
143
00:05:13,385 --> 00:05:15,017
YOU WILL BOW TO ME.
144
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,950
HI. I'M MEG.
I LIVE NEXT DOOR.
145
00:05:21,018 --> 00:05:24,083
I KNOW. I'VE ADMIRED YOU
IN THE GARDEN FROM AFAR.
146
00:05:24,152 --> 00:05:25,416
WILL YOU GO OUT
WITH ME?
147
00:05:25,485 --> 00:05:26,683
I'D LOVE TO.
148
00:05:27,685 --> 00:05:28,750
OH, HE'S GAY.
149
00:05:28,819 --> 00:05:29,850
YOU WISH!
150
00:05:29,919 --> 00:05:32,183
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU MOUTH BREATHER!
151
00:05:32,252 --> 00:05:33,883
[Peter]
I'M AS GOOD AS FIRED.
152
00:05:33,952 --> 00:05:36,616
WHERE THE HELL AM
I GONNA FIND A GUY
AS STRONG AS GUILLERMO?
153
00:05:36,685 --> 00:05:38,416
ONE TIME I WALKED
INTO THE LOCKER ROOM,
154
00:05:38,485 --> 00:05:41,383
I SWEAR HE WAS
BENCH-PRESSING MR. WEED.
155
00:05:41,451 --> 00:05:44,150
GREAT. LOIS IS GETTING
CHUMMY WITH
THE NEW NEIGHBORS.
156
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,084
[Brian]
I THINK SHE WANTS YOU
TO MEET THEM.
157
00:05:46,153 --> 00:05:48,084
SHE'S ALWAYS TRYING
TO MAKE ME BE SOCIAL.
158
00:05:48,153 --> 00:05:49,784
COCKTAIL PARTIES,
SCHOOL FUNCTIONS,
159
00:05:49,852 --> 00:05:52,483
THAT TIME WE PLANTED
TREES IN JERUSALEM.
160
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,617
WHAT? LOOK,
ALL I'M SAYING IS
161
00:05:54,686 --> 00:05:56,383
PUT AN ISRAELI GUY
NEXT TO AN ARAB GUY
162
00:05:56,452 --> 00:05:58,383
AND I CAN'T TELL
THE DIFFERENCE.
163
00:05:58,451 --> 00:06:00,417
YOU MUST BE PETER.
JOE SWANSON.
164
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:02,049
YEAH, YEAH. NICE
TO MEET YOU, PHIL.
165
00:06:02,118 --> 00:06:04,750
YOU GOT A NEIGHBOR
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF YOUR HOUSE, TOO.
166
00:06:04,818 --> 00:06:06,783
SO, DON'T THINK YOU
ALWAYS HAVE TO BUG ME.
167
00:06:06,852 --> 00:06:08,450
[Laughing]
I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.
168
00:06:08,519 --> 00:06:10,483
SAY, DO YOU HAVE
A SCREWDRIVER
I CAN BORROW?
169
00:06:10,552 --> 00:06:12,151
MAN, YOU NEIGHBORS
ARE LIKE VIRUSES.
170
00:06:12,218 --> 00:06:13,684
STARTS WITH
A SCREWDRIVER.
171
00:06:13,752 --> 00:06:15,817
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
YOU'RE USING MY
SUPERMARKET
172
00:06:15,886 --> 00:06:17,984
MY DRY CLEANER,
AND EVEN MY POSTMAN.
173
00:06:18,053 --> 00:06:19,550
JEEZ, CAN YOU BELIEVE
THAT GUY?
174
00:06:19,619 --> 00:06:21,883
"DO YOU HAVE
A SCREWDRIVER
I CAN BORROW?"
175
00:06:21,952 --> 00:06:22,950
WHAT AN ASS.
176
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,616
SO, PETER, DID YOU FIND
A REPLACEMENT
FOR THE TEAM?
177
00:06:26,685 --> 00:06:28,449
NO. BELIEVE ME,
I'VE BEEN LOOKING.
178
00:06:28,519 --> 00:06:30,949
HIDEO-SAN WOULD
BE HONORED TO PLAY
FOR YOUR TEAM.
179
00:06:31,018 --> 00:06:33,483
BUT HE WISHES TO KNOW
WHAT COMPENSATION YOU OFFER.
180
00:06:33,552 --> 00:06:34,717
UH.
181
00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:36,650
ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.
182
00:06:36,719 --> 00:06:39,616
GOSH, I'D LIKE TO HELP,
PETER. BUT I'VE GOTTA
GO OUT IN THE HALL
183
00:06:39,686 --> 00:06:41,683
AND CHEW ON MY
ASS FOR 5 MINUTES.
184
00:06:41,752 --> 00:06:43,617
OH, PETER, I INVITED
JOE AND BONNIE
185
00:06:43,685 --> 00:06:45,182
TO YOUR GAME
ON SATURDAY.
186
00:06:45,251 --> 00:06:47,282
LOIS, I DON'T WANT
THOSE PEOPLE THERE.
187
00:06:47,351 --> 00:06:48,817
SEE, THIS IS WHY
I ASK YOU
188
00:06:48,885 --> 00:06:50,884
TO SUBMIT EVERYTHING
TO ME IN WRITING FIRST.
189
00:06:50,951 --> 00:06:53,417
BONNIE TOLD ME JOE
IS A BIG BASEBALL FAN.
190
00:06:53,485 --> 00:06:55,217
HE PLAYED IN COLLEGE.
191
00:06:55,285 --> 00:06:56,483
HE DID?
192
00:06:56,552 --> 00:06:57,950
WELCOME TO
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
193
00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:58,982
HIYA, JOE.
194
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:00,517
PETER!
DON'T GET UP.
195
00:07:00,585 --> 00:07:03,083
THIS IS A SURPRISE.
I KINDA THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.
196
00:07:03,152 --> 00:07:05,717
OH, WHAT? BECAUSE OF WHAT
I SAID THIS AFTERNOON. NO, NO.
197
00:07:05,785 --> 00:07:08,716
SEE I HAVE THAT DISEASE
WHERE STUFF POPS
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
198
00:07:08,785 --> 00:07:10,083
GO TO HELL!
GO TO HELL! WHOOPS.
199
00:07:10,151 --> 00:07:11,850
[Laughing]
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
200
00:07:11,918 --> 00:07:13,383
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
201
00:07:13,452 --> 00:07:15,216
I THOUGHT MAYBE
I CROSSED THE LINE
202
00:07:15,285 --> 00:07:17,583
WHEN I ASKED TO
BORROW A SCREWDRIVER.
203
00:07:17,652 --> 00:07:19,150
AH. ARE YOU KIDDING?
204
00:07:19,219 --> 00:07:20,550
YOU CAN BORROW
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
205
00:07:20,619 --> 00:07:22,383
GREAT. SAY, YOU DON'T
HAPPEN TO HAVE
206
00:07:22,452 --> 00:07:23,817
ANY PICTURE WIRE, DO YOU?
207
00:07:23,885 --> 00:07:26,082
PICTURE WIRE?
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
208
00:07:27,752 --> 00:07:30,316
SON OF A BITCH!
SON OF A BITCH!
THERE IT GOES AGAIN.
209
00:07:30,385 --> 00:07:31,784
I DON'T WANT TO IMPOSE.
210
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,817
NO PROBLEM. THAT'S
WHAT NEIGHBORS DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY DO?
211
00:07:34,885 --> 00:07:36,450
THEY PLAY ON THEIR
NEIGHBOR'S COMPANY
212
00:07:36,519 --> 00:07:38,249
SOFTBALL TEAM
LIKE THIS SATURDAY.
213
00:07:38,319 --> 00:07:39,417
WHAT DO YOU SAY,
NEIGHBOR?
214
00:07:39,485 --> 00:07:40,517
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
215
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,283
HEY, SO MUCH FUN IT
SHOULD BE ILLEGAL
216
00:07:42,351 --> 00:07:44,316
LIKE COPYRIGHT
INFRINGEMENT.
217
00:07:44,385 --> 00:07:46,984
HO, HO! SEE YOU AT
THE GAME, JOE. HO, HO!
218
00:07:51,752 --> 00:07:53,117
HEY, YOU WANT
A PIECE OF GUM?
219
00:07:53,186 --> 00:07:54,317
OH, THANKS.
220
00:07:54,385 --> 00:07:55,883
HA HA! THAT
WAS JOKE GUM.
221
00:07:55,952 --> 00:07:56,883
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
222
00:07:56,952 --> 00:07:58,583
NOW YOU'RE
ADDICTED TO HEROIN.
223
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:00,083
[Laughing]
224
00:08:01,818 --> 00:08:02,983
I'M COLD.
225
00:08:03,052 --> 00:08:04,383
[Lois]
HEY, PETER!
226
00:08:04,452 --> 00:08:06,850
[Mr. Weed]
IT'S NICE THAT YOUR
FAMILY IS HERE, PETER.
227
00:08:06,919 --> 00:08:08,584
IF YOUR RINGER
DOESN'T ARRIVE SOON,
228
00:08:08,652 --> 00:08:10,383
YOU CAN SPEND
EVERY DAY WITH THEM
229
00:08:10,451 --> 00:08:11,583
AT HOME.
230
00:08:11,652 --> 00:08:13,016
HE'LL BE HERE,
MR. WEED.
231
00:08:13,085 --> 00:08:14,483
YOU SHOULD SEE
THIS GUY IN ACTION.
232
00:08:14,552 --> 00:08:15,550
HE CAN HIT,
HE CAN THROW--
233
00:08:15,619 --> 00:08:16,783
PETER!
234
00:08:16,852 --> 00:08:19,350
[Mr. Weed]
WHAT'S HE DOING
IN A WHEELCHAIR?
235
00:08:19,418 --> 00:08:21,616
HOLY CRIP, HE'S A CRAPPLE!
236
00:08:24,351 --> 00:08:26,750
PETER, OUR NEW
SECRET WEAPON
237
00:08:26,819 --> 00:08:29,784
IS THIS VERY
ATTRACTIVE PARAPLEGIC?
238
00:08:29,852 --> 00:08:32,983
OK, JOE, YOU GOT ME.
RISE AND SHINE. COME ON.
239
00:08:33,052 --> 00:08:35,116
STAND AND DELIVER.
GET THE HELL UP.
240
00:08:35,185 --> 00:08:37,183
[Laughing]
YOU'RE A HOOT, PETER.
241
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:38,216
PLAY BALL!
242
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,183
LET'S DO IT!
243
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,583
I SWEAR
I DIDN'T KNOW.
244
00:08:40,652 --> 00:08:42,483
MAYBE THEY WON'T HIT
A LOT OF BALLS TO HIM.
245
00:08:42,552 --> 00:08:43,784
[Joe]
I GOT SHORTSTOP.
246
00:08:43,852 --> 00:08:44,917
[Giggles nervously]
247
00:08:44,985 --> 00:08:47,183
THE MOVERS TRACKED
GREASE ALL OVER
MY CARPET.
248
00:08:47,251 --> 00:08:49,249
I TRIED EVERYTHING
TO GET THE STAIN OUT.
249
00:08:49,318 --> 00:08:50,383
WHAT ABOUT
LEMON JUICE?
250
00:08:50,451 --> 00:08:51,483
OH, WHAT ABOUT
CLUB SODA?
251
00:08:51,552 --> 00:08:52,884
WHAT ABOUT
SHUTTING THE HELL UP?
252
00:08:53,651 --> 00:08:55,450
ISN'T BASEBALL GREAT?
253
00:08:56,585 --> 00:08:59,350
THEY SAY BASEBALL'S
THE NATIONAL PASTIME.
254
00:09:01,318 --> 00:09:02,683
I CAN'T TASTE SALT.
255
00:09:05,018 --> 00:09:06,483
CRAP! DON'T HIT IT TO JOE.
256
00:09:06,552 --> 00:09:08,683
PLEASE DON'T HIT IT TO JOE!
PLEASE DON'T HIT IT TO JOE!
257
00:09:10,153 --> 00:09:10,983
AH.
258
00:09:11,052 --> 00:09:12,716
[Crowd cheering]
259
00:09:14,251 --> 00:09:15,517
YOU'RE OUT!
260
00:09:15,585 --> 00:09:17,449
WHOA!
ALL RIGHT, JOE!
261
00:09:17,518 --> 00:09:19,216
WAY TO EARN THAT
PARKING SPACE!
262
00:09:19,285 --> 00:09:20,184
ALL RIGHT!
JOE!
263
00:09:20,252 --> 00:09:21,150
DID YOU
SEE THAT?
264
00:09:21,219 --> 00:09:22,250
THAT'S
MY JOE!
265
00:09:22,319 --> 00:09:23,649
WHAT THE DEUCE?
266
00:09:23,718 --> 00:09:25,916
HALF MAN, HALF MACHINE.
267
00:09:25,985 --> 00:09:29,417
WHY WITH THAT TECHNOLOGY,
I COULD ESCAPE THESE
WRETCHED HARRIDANS!
268
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:30,850
GO, CYBORG!
269
00:09:35,119 --> 00:09:36,617
[Mr. Weed]
IT ALL RESTS
ON THAT MAN'S
270
00:09:36,686 --> 00:09:38,683
BROAD, RIPPLING
SHOULDERS!
271
00:09:40,852 --> 00:09:42,517
ALL RIGHT, JOE! RUN!
272
00:09:42,585 --> 00:09:44,817
ALL RIGHT, JOE!
COME ON! YEAH!
273
00:09:47,885 --> 00:09:51,016
[Mr. Weed]
HURRY! JOE!
ALL RIGHT! YES, VAMOS!
274
00:09:51,551 --> 00:09:52,583
UGH.
275
00:09:55,152 --> 00:09:56,850
LET'S HEAR IT
FOR JOE!
276
00:09:56,918 --> 00:09:59,416
YEAH, LET'S
HEAR IT FOR THE GUY
WHO FOUND JOE!
277
00:09:59,485 --> 00:10:00,950
YAY! OK.
278
00:10:01,785 --> 00:10:02,717
HUH.
279
00:10:05,052 --> 00:10:07,250
THAT'S FINGER
SUCKIN' GOOD, HUH?
280
00:10:07,318 --> 00:10:09,050
IT'S AN OLD
POLICEMEN'S RECIPE.
281
00:10:09,119 --> 00:10:11,917
EAT UP, EVERYONE.
TONIGHT MY WIFE WON'T
BE THE ONLY ONE
282
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,684
ENJOYING A PIG
IN A BLANKET.
283
00:10:13,752 --> 00:10:14,684
[Laughing]
284
00:10:14,752 --> 00:10:16,683
JOE, YOU'RE
SO FUNNY.
285
00:10:16,752 --> 00:10:19,950
AH, THEY LOVE THAT ONE
DOWN AT THE PRECINCT.
286
00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:22,417
THIS SUCKS, BRIAN.
JOE IS STEALING
MY THUNDER.
287
00:10:22,485 --> 00:10:25,383
HEY, EVERYBODY!
TIME TO LIMBO!
288
00:10:25,452 --> 00:10:27,117
FACE IT. HE'S THE
LIFE OF THE PARTY.
289
00:10:27,185 --> 00:10:30,317
OH, YEAH? I'LL SHOW
YOU WHO'S THE LIFE
OF THE PARTY.
290
00:10:30,385 --> 00:10:33,450
HEY, LOOK!
I FELL IN THE POOL
WITH MY CLOTHES ON!
291
00:10:33,518 --> 00:10:35,117
HOW HILARIOUS IS THAT?
292
00:10:35,185 --> 00:10:37,550
THAT IS SO
PETER GRIFFIN.
HUH? GUYS?
293
00:10:37,619 --> 00:10:38,517
HUH?
294
00:10:38,585 --> 00:10:39,616
GUYS?
295
00:10:41,152 --> 00:10:42,349
THAT'S MY IDEA.
296
00:10:42,418 --> 00:10:43,549
PETER, COME HERE.
297
00:10:43,618 --> 00:10:45,349
FINALLY. A LITTLE
RECOGNITION.
298
00:10:45,419 --> 00:10:47,417
JOE HAS THE MOST
WONDERFUL IDEA.
299
00:10:47,485 --> 00:10:49,016
HEY, I JUST
SUGGESTED A LINE
300
00:10:49,085 --> 00:10:51,184
OF HANDI-CAPABLE
TOYS, YOU KNOW,
301
00:10:51,253 --> 00:10:52,683
TO SHOW KIDS THE FUN SIDE
302
00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:54,516
OF BEING PHYSICALLY
CHALLENGED!
303
00:10:54,585 --> 00:10:56,349
OH, YEAH. THAT'S WHAT KIDS
WANT TO PLAY WITH.
304
00:10:56,418 --> 00:10:58,116
YEAH. A BEANIE
BABY IN A BUBBLE.
305
00:10:58,185 --> 00:10:59,583
WHAT ABOUT MY IDEA?
COME ON!
306
00:10:59,651 --> 00:11:01,416
TOOTIE MORPHS
INTO A STINK BUG.
307
00:11:01,485 --> 00:11:04,950
JOE, YOU'RE EXACTLY
THE KIND OF MAN WE
NEED AT OUR COMPANY.
308
00:11:05,019 --> 00:11:06,349
PETER, MAKE
YOURSELF USEFUL.
309
00:11:06,418 --> 00:11:07,783
GO GET JOE
A DRINK.
310
00:11:07,852 --> 00:11:10,416
JEEZ, FIRST HE
TAKES MY FRIENDS.
THEN HE TAKES MY JOB.
311
00:11:10,485 --> 00:11:12,416
BUT THE WAY I WEAR MY HAT...
312
00:11:12,485 --> 00:11:15,450
NO, NO. HE CAN'T
TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.
313
00:11:15,518 --> 00:11:18,583
YOU! HOW CAME
YOU BY THIS METAL
CONSTRUCT?
314
00:11:18,651 --> 00:11:20,249
I DEMAND TO
KNOW WHO MADE YOU!
315
00:11:20,318 --> 00:11:22,416
STEWIE, IT'S NOT
POLITE TO POINT.
316
00:11:22,485 --> 00:11:23,917
I'M SO SORRY.
317
00:11:23,985 --> 00:11:25,316
THAT'S OK, LOIS.
318
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,450
HE'S JUST CURIOUS
ABOUT THE CHAIR.
319
00:11:27,518 --> 00:11:31,282
ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO
I WAS INVESTIGATING
A ROBBERY AT AN ORPHANAGE.
320
00:11:31,352 --> 00:11:34,316
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE
AND SOME PRESENTS
HAD BEEN STOLEN.
321
00:11:41,652 --> 00:11:43,084
[Grunting]
322
00:11:43,985 --> 00:11:46,650
REACH FOR THE SKY,
DIRTBAG!
323
00:11:46,719 --> 00:11:49,583
ALL RIGHT, PAL!
YOU'VE STOLEN
YOUR LAST CHRISTMAS.
324
00:11:50,018 --> 00:11:51,016
UGH.
325
00:11:53,785 --> 00:11:55,350
[Both grunting]
326
00:12:18,519 --> 00:12:21,750
"YOU THINK YOU HAVE WON
YOU THINK ALL IS WELL
327
00:12:21,819 --> 00:12:25,550
"BUT KISS MY GREEN ASS
I SHALL SEE YOU IN HELL!"
328
00:12:26,385 --> 00:12:27,684
WHOA!
329
00:12:28,086 --> 00:12:29,049
AAH!
330
00:12:31,519 --> 00:12:32,817
[Groaning]
331
00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:35,916
ARE YOU TIMMY?
332
00:12:37,285 --> 00:12:38,916
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
TIMMY.
333
00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:40,984
[All sniffling]
334
00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:42,449
OH, ENOUGH!
335
00:12:42,518 --> 00:12:45,416
IF YOU WON'T SHARE
YOUR TECHNOLOGICAL
SCHEMATA WITH ME PEACEABLY,
336
00:12:45,485 --> 00:12:48,383
I SHALL TAKE THE
INFORMATION FROM
YOU BY FORCE!
337
00:12:48,452 --> 00:12:50,817
WOW. LOOKS LIKE
YOU HAVE A FAN.
338
00:12:50,886 --> 00:12:52,182
COME ON. LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
339
00:12:52,251 --> 00:12:53,516
PETER, YOU
CAN'T LEAVE.
340
00:12:53,585 --> 00:12:55,084
SORRY, I PROMISED
THE WIFE AND KIDS
341
00:12:55,151 --> 00:12:57,550
I'D TAKE THEM ON
A DREAM VACATION
342
00:12:57,618 --> 00:13:00,050
TO HAWAII RIGHT NOW.
SAY ALOHA, KIDS.
343
00:13:00,119 --> 00:13:01,517
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
344
00:13:01,585 --> 00:13:03,750
WE WANT TO HEAR MORE
OF MR. SWANSON'S STORIES.
345
00:13:03,819 --> 00:13:06,383
HE'S COOL, DAD.
HE KILLED A GUY.
346
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,949
WELL, TECHNICALLY HE
WAS KILLED BY THE STATE,
347
00:13:09,018 --> 00:13:10,683
BUT FUNNY STORY.
348
00:13:10,752 --> 00:13:13,817
HE DID CURSE MY NAME
JUST BEFORE THE INJECTION.
349
00:13:13,885 --> 00:13:15,416
[All laughing]
350
00:13:16,619 --> 00:13:18,517
PETER, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?
351
00:13:18,585 --> 00:13:20,750
WHY ARE YOU GUYS
MAKING SUCH A BIG
DEAL OVER JOE?
352
00:13:20,819 --> 00:13:22,650
YOU DON'T ADMIRE
WHEELCHAIR PEOPLE.
353
00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:24,483
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
FEEL SORRY FOR THEM.
354
00:13:24,551 --> 00:13:26,583
WHEN DID IT BECOME OK
TO BE HANDICAPPED?
355
00:13:26,652 --> 00:13:28,216
DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!
356
00:13:28,285 --> 00:13:30,884
HE'S A REMARKABLE MAN
AND THE REST OF
YOUR FAMILY ADORES HIM!
357
00:13:30,951 --> 00:13:33,117
FINE. THEN WHY DON'T
YOU ALL MARRY HIM?
358
00:13:33,185 --> 00:13:36,450
AND IF HE'S SO REMARKABLE,
LET'S SEE HIM DO THIS.
359
00:13:36,519 --> 00:13:38,450
HEY, LOOK AT ME.
I'M WALKING.
360
00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:40,517
OOH, I'M A REMARKABLE MAN.
361
00:13:42,518 --> 00:13:45,050
[People chattering]
362
00:13:45,119 --> 00:13:47,017
WELL, LOOK WHO
FINALLY CAME HOME.
363
00:13:47,085 --> 00:13:49,716
JEEZ, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GONNA SPEND
ALL NIGHT AT JOE'S.
364
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:52,684
OH, I COULD'VE. THAT MAN
HAS GOT MAGIC FINGERS.
365
00:13:52,752 --> 00:13:55,216
HE FOUND THIS ONE
SPOT BEHIND MY EAR, I...
366
00:13:55,285 --> 00:13:57,817
FORGET ABOUT IT.
I THOUGHT MY LEG
WAS NEVER GONNA STOP.
367
00:13:57,886 --> 00:13:59,417
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
368
00:13:59,485 --> 00:14:01,917
MY WHOLE FAMILY
WORSHIPS THE GROUND
THAT GUY CAN'T WALK ON.
369
00:14:01,985 --> 00:14:04,182
IT'S NOT TOO HARD
TO SEE WHY. HE'S A HERO.
370
00:14:04,251 --> 00:14:05,816
HE MAKES THE WORLD
A BETTER PLACE.
371
00:14:05,885 --> 00:14:07,883
HEY, HEY. I'VE DONE LOTS OF
THINGS TO HELP PEOPLE.
372
00:14:07,951 --> 00:14:10,549
REMEMBER THE TIME
I SANG TO THE KIDS
AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL?
373
00:14:10,618 --> 00:14:12,083
YES, AND YOU FORGOT
THE WORDS.
374
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:13,783
♪ JESUS LOVES ME ♪
375
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:15,616
♪ HE LOVES ME A BUNCH ♪
376
00:14:15,685 --> 00:14:17,750
♪ BECAUSE HE
ALWAYS PUTS SKIPPY ♪
377
00:14:17,818 --> 00:14:19,383
♪ IN MY LUNCH ♪
378
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:21,583
NO. IT'S NOT
THE SAME THING.
379
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,151
JOE PUTS HIMSELF
IN REAL DANGER
EVERY DAY.
380
00:14:24,218 --> 00:14:27,349
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL NEVER BE THAT
KIND OF HERO.
381
00:14:27,418 --> 00:14:30,016
UNLESS I PUT MYSELF
IN REAL DANGER, TOO!
382
00:14:30,085 --> 00:14:32,116
FOR MY FAMILY'S SAKE!
383
00:14:32,185 --> 00:14:34,383
WHY ARE THE PRETTY
ONES ALWAYS SO DUMB?
384
00:14:43,852 --> 00:14:44,784
AAH!
385
00:14:44,852 --> 00:14:45,816
[Cat screeching]
386
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:48,050
[Radio]
WE HAVE A GANG SHOOTING
387
00:14:48,119 --> 00:14:49,982
ON THIRD AND MAIN.
3 WOUNDED, 1 DEAD.
388
00:14:50,051 --> 00:14:52,317
IS IT ME OR IS
RAP MUSIC JUST
GETTING LAZIER?
389
00:14:52,385 --> 00:14:53,917
NO. IT'S MY NEW
POLICE SCANNER.
390
00:14:53,985 --> 00:14:55,450
THIS HERO THING
IS GONNA BE EASY
391
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:56,950
ONCE I FIND
THE RIGHT CRIME.
392
00:14:57,018 --> 00:14:58,283
WE HAVE A DOMESTIC
DISTURBANCE--
393
00:14:58,352 --> 00:14:59,283
BORING!
394
00:14:59,352 --> 00:15:00,483
REPORT OF A STABBING IN--
395
00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:01,650
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
396
00:15:01,718 --> 00:15:03,417
ALL UNITS! A MAJOR
BANK ROBBERY
397
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,350
IS IN PROGRESS AT
QUAHOG BANK AND TRUST.
398
00:15:05,419 --> 00:15:07,617
SUSPECTS ARE ARMED
AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
399
00:15:07,685 --> 00:15:09,083
PERFECT! WHERE'S
LOIS AND THE KIDS?
400
00:15:09,151 --> 00:15:10,150
UH, OVER AT JOE'S.
401
00:15:10,218 --> 00:15:11,184
WELL, GO FETCH 'EM.
402
00:15:11,252 --> 00:15:12,151
THEY'RE ABOUT TO SEE
403
00:15:12,219 --> 00:15:13,516
A REAL HERO IN ACTION.
404
00:15:13,585 --> 00:15:14,716
TO THE BATCAVE!
405
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:22,617
OH-OH.
406
00:15:22,685 --> 00:15:23,717
[Bats screeching]
407
00:15:23,785 --> 00:15:26,349
[Peter]
OH, GOD! OH, GOD! OH, GOD!
408
00:15:28,952 --> 00:15:30,716
[Peter]
YOU GUYS THOUGHT
JOE WAS SOMETHING.
409
00:15:30,785 --> 00:15:32,316
YOU AIN'T SEEN
NOTHIN' YET.
410
00:15:32,385 --> 00:15:35,050
[Lois]
PETER, WHAT'S
THE BIG RUSH?
411
00:15:35,119 --> 00:15:36,683
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS
WAIT RIGHT HERE.
412
00:15:36,752 --> 00:15:38,549
DADDY'S GONNA MAKE
A LITTLE WITHDRAWAL.
413
00:15:40,352 --> 00:15:41,951
LET'S GIVE TAMMY
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
414
00:15:42,019 --> 00:15:44,817
THIS WAS HER FIRST
ROBBERY AND SHE
WAS VERY BRAVE.
415
00:15:45,718 --> 00:15:47,183
MMM.
416
00:15:47,252 --> 00:15:48,483
NOW BEFORE WE GO--
417
00:15:48,552 --> 00:15:49,784
NO, DON'T GO.
418
00:15:49,852 --> 00:15:51,083
OH, PRINCESS,
WE HAVE TO.
419
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,517
[Peter]
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR
STRIPED PAJAMAS, BOYS.
420
00:15:53,585 --> 00:15:55,516
'CAUSE THERE'S
A 5-YEAR SLEEPOVER
421
00:15:55,585 --> 00:15:57,650
AT THE BIG HOUSE.
AND YOU'RE INVITED.
422
00:15:57,719 --> 00:15:59,216
YOU'LL NEVER
TAKE US ALIVE!
423
00:15:59,285 --> 00:16:00,917
[Guns firing]
424
00:16:00,986 --> 00:16:03,416
LOIS AND THE KIDS
SHOULD BE IN
HERE TO SEE THIS.
425
00:16:03,485 --> 00:16:05,116
YES. IT'S GOING
VERY WELL.
426
00:16:05,185 --> 00:16:06,850
MOM, WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU LIKE A BOY
427
00:16:06,919 --> 00:16:08,549
BUT HE DOESN'T
EVEN NOTICE YOU?
428
00:16:08,618 --> 00:16:10,282
MEG LOVES KEVIN.
429
00:16:10,351 --> 00:16:12,016
SHUT UP, YOU BIG
SACK OF DOG VOMIT!
430
00:16:12,084 --> 00:16:15,716
MEG, YOU'RE A
SWEET, LOVELY GIRL.
HE'LL COME AROUND.
431
00:16:15,785 --> 00:16:17,150
SUCH A MOM ANSWER.
432
00:16:17,218 --> 00:16:19,083
WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED
SHOWING OFF THE GOODS?
433
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:21,316
HOW'S THAT FOR
A MOM ANSWER?
434
00:16:21,818 --> 00:16:23,017
CREEPY.
435
00:16:23,086 --> 00:16:25,316
OH, I SAW SOME CUTE
DRESSES DOWN THE STREET.
436
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:28,549
IF NOTHING ELSE, IT'LL
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
437
00:16:28,618 --> 00:16:30,183
WELL, IF YOU
WANT TO BE A HERO,
438
00:16:30,252 --> 00:16:31,817
RIGHT NOW MIGHT
BE A GOOD TIME.
439
00:16:31,885 --> 00:16:33,283
THIS ISN'T WHAT
I WAS EXPECTING.
440
00:16:33,352 --> 00:16:35,383
I THOUGHT BEING A HERO
WOULD BE ALL FUN AND GAMES.
441
00:16:38,419 --> 00:16:40,517
SORRY, WONDER WOMAN.
I GOT 3 KINGS.
442
00:16:40,585 --> 00:16:42,151
NOW LET'S SEE
YOUR PAIR.
443
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:44,117
[Sighing]
444
00:16:44,185 --> 00:16:47,850
ALL RIGHT. ROBIN,
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING
AT ME FOR? LOOK AT HER.
445
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:50,750
COME ON. LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
446
00:16:50,819 --> 00:16:52,050
OH,
PERFECT.
447
00:16:52,118 --> 00:16:54,817
WE GOT HOSTAGES IN HERE!
DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY!
448
00:16:54,885 --> 00:16:56,483
DON'T WORRY, BRIAN.
I GOT A PLAN.
449
00:16:56,551 --> 00:16:58,949
OH, GOOD. I WAS AFRAID
YOU WERE JUST
GONNA IMPROVISE.
450
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,950
OH. ACTUALLY, I WAS GONNA
USE THE LITTLE GIRL
AS A HUMAN SHIELD
451
00:17:02,019 --> 00:17:03,216
AND RUN LIKE HELL.
452
00:17:03,285 --> 00:17:05,416
BUT IMPROVISE, THAT'LL
BE EASIER ON MY BACK.
453
00:17:07,019 --> 00:17:08,583
OK, IN THIS IMPROV,
454
00:17:08,651 --> 00:17:09,884
TAMMY AND THE
SHORT ROBBER
455
00:17:09,953 --> 00:17:10,884
ARE HUSBAND AND WIFE.
456
00:17:10,953 --> 00:17:11,884
[Giggling]
457
00:17:11,951 --> 00:17:13,116
OK. AND WHERE
ARE WE?
458
00:17:13,185 --> 00:17:14,617
A BAR!
A PET STORE!
459
00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:16,182
GUADALAJARA,
MEXICO!
460
00:17:16,251 --> 00:17:17,650
OK, OK. I HEARD
PET STORE.
461
00:17:17,719 --> 00:17:19,817
AND I'M THE GRUFF
BUT LOVABLE OWNER.
462
00:17:19,886 --> 00:17:21,249
ALL RIGHT. BEGIN.
463
00:17:21,318 --> 00:17:24,151
HELLO, MARRIED COUPLE.
I SEE YOU FOUND A PUPPY.
464
00:17:24,218 --> 00:17:25,516
YEAH. HIS NAME IS SPARKY.
465
00:17:25,585 --> 00:17:26,583
[All giggling]
466
00:17:26,652 --> 00:17:28,182
WELL, BEFORE YOU
TAKE SPARKY HOME,
467
00:17:28,251 --> 00:17:29,784
LET ME CHECK HIM
FOR WORMS.
468
00:17:30,685 --> 00:17:32,217
OK, DROP IT!
469
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,017
[Cheering]
470
00:17:35,518 --> 00:17:38,349
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
471
00:17:40,886 --> 00:17:42,050
[Cop]
ALL RIGHT, STAND BACK!
472
00:17:42,118 --> 00:17:43,216
WHOA. HANG ON.
473
00:17:43,285 --> 00:17:44,550
SORRY, NO ONE
CAN LEAVE.
474
00:17:44,619 --> 00:17:45,717
[Groaning]
475
00:17:45,786 --> 00:17:47,850
LISTEN, THE WHOLE
REASON I SAVED
YOU GUYS TODAY
476
00:17:47,919 --> 00:17:49,483
WAS SO I COULD
BE A HERO.
477
00:17:49,552 --> 00:17:51,917
SEE, THIS WHEELCHAIR GUY
MOVED IN NEXT DOOR
478
00:17:51,985 --> 00:17:54,450
AND HE CAN DO ALL
THESE GREAT THINGS AND...
479
00:17:54,518 --> 00:17:57,583
YOUR FAMILY IDOLIZES
THE LOUSY CRIPPLE
AND NOT YOU?
480
00:17:57,652 --> 00:17:59,117
THAT'S RIGHT!
HOW'D YOU KNOW?
481
00:17:59,186 --> 00:18:01,183
WE'VE ALL
BEEN THERE.
482
00:18:01,251 --> 00:18:03,716
COOL! THE BANK
IS GETTING JACKED!
483
00:18:03,785 --> 00:18:05,416
OFFICER, MY
HUSBAND'S IN THERE!
484
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:06,750
CAN YOU TELL ME
IF HE'S OK?
485
00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:08,082
WHAT'S HE
LOOK LIKE?
486
00:18:08,151 --> 00:18:10,683
[Lois]
HE'S WEARING A WHITE-
COLLARED SHIRT,
487
00:18:10,752 --> 00:18:12,450
KIND OF BIG, WITH GLASSES.
488
00:18:12,518 --> 00:18:13,417
[Cop]
I GOT HIM.
489
00:18:13,485 --> 00:18:14,450
OH, THANK GOD.
490
00:18:14,518 --> 00:18:15,450
TAKE HIM OUT.
491
00:18:15,453 --> 00:18:16,451
NO!
492
00:18:16,492 --> 00:18:19,215
CHECK IT OUT!
IT'S A JOHN F KENNEDY PEZ DISPENSER!
493
00:18:20,212 --> 00:18:23,712
OH. GOOD THING I STILL HAVE
MY BOBBY KENNEDY PEZ DISPENSER.
494
00:18:24,212 --> 00:18:25,477
HEY, THERE'S MY FAMILY.
495
00:18:25,546 --> 00:18:27,277
I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW I ROB BANKS
496
00:18:27,346 --> 00:18:29,444
BECAUSE A DEAF
MAN STOLE MY JOB
AT THE PHONE COMPANY.
497
00:18:29,513 --> 00:18:30,743
AW.
498
00:18:30,812 --> 00:18:33,511
SO IF ANYONE'S
GONNA BUST ME, I'M
GLAD IT'S YOU.
499
00:18:34,878 --> 00:18:37,143
BUT--BUT I WAS
GONNA BE A HERO.
500
00:18:37,212 --> 00:18:38,644
NOBODY'S GOING
ANYWHERE!
501
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:43,177
JOE, IT'S PETER!
HE'S IN TROUBLE!
502
00:18:43,246 --> 00:18:45,344
A FAILED ROBBERY AT
QUAHOG BANK AND TRUST
503
00:18:45,412 --> 00:18:48,243
HAS LED TO A TERRIFYING
HOSTAGE SITUATION.
504
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:52,810
THAT'S RIGHT.
A HOSTAGE SITUATION.
505
00:18:52,878 --> 00:18:53,943
I GOTTA GO.
506
00:18:54,012 --> 00:18:56,076
I KNOW.
507
00:18:56,145 --> 00:18:58,110
IF WE WANT THE COPS
TO TAKE US SERIOUSLY,
508
00:18:58,179 --> 00:19:00,377
WE HAVE TO WASTE
A HOSTAGE. BUT WHO?
509
00:19:00,446 --> 00:19:02,244
EXCUSE ME. SHOULDN'T
THAT BE "WHOM"?
510
00:19:02,313 --> 00:19:03,277
OK, YOU.
511
00:19:03,346 --> 00:19:04,310
CRAP!
512
00:19:04,379 --> 00:19:06,043
THIS IS POLICE
LT. JOE SWANSON.
513
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,743
I KNOW WE CAN WORK
THIS OUT TOGETHER.
514
00:19:07,812 --> 00:19:09,276
AH, JEEZ,
NOT HIM AGAIN.
515
00:19:09,345 --> 00:19:11,244
I HOPE THIS PLACE ISN'T
WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE.
516
00:19:11,313 --> 00:19:12,744
BONNIE, IT'S PETER.
517
00:19:12,812 --> 00:19:15,576
DON'T WORRY. JOE'S AN
EXCELLENT NEGOTIATOR.
518
00:19:15,645 --> 00:19:17,244
I WAS A VIRGIN
WHEN WE MET.
519
00:19:17,313 --> 00:19:18,943
IT TOOK HIM 3 HOURS.
520
00:19:21,212 --> 00:19:24,510
I CAN'T BELIEVE
MY DAD IS IN THERE.
521
00:19:24,579 --> 00:19:27,143
THIS'LL PROBABLY SCAR ME
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
522
00:19:28,445 --> 00:19:30,210
I GOT A NEW DRESS.
523
00:19:30,279 --> 00:19:32,777
TRY TALKING
ABOUT HIM.
524
00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:35,110
SO, UH, DO YOU
LIKE MUSIC?
525
00:19:35,179 --> 00:19:37,411
YEAH! I PLAYED GUITAR
IN A BAND BEFORE WE MOVED.
526
00:19:37,479 --> 00:19:40,244
BUT IT INTERFERED
WITH MY STUDIES.
WHAT DO YOU LISTEN TO?
527
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:41,411
YOU FIRST.
528
00:19:41,479 --> 00:19:43,577
I'M INTO GARBAGE,
PHISH, BLUR.
529
00:19:43,645 --> 00:19:45,843
MY PARENTS DON'T LIKE ME
LISTENING TO THAT STUFF.
530
00:19:45,912 --> 00:19:46,876
BUT I DO ANYWAY
531
00:19:46,945 --> 00:19:49,043
[Yelling]
BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT!
532
00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:51,343
I ALSO LIKE RADIOHEAD.
533
00:19:51,412 --> 00:19:54,910
AND EVEN THOUGH
SOCIETY HAS TURNED
ITS BACK ON YOU,
534
00:19:54,979 --> 00:19:57,477
I PROMISE YOU THERE
ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE.
535
00:19:57,545 --> 00:19:59,943
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M ONE OF THEM.
536
00:20:00,012 --> 00:20:01,177
HE SURE GETS IT.
537
00:20:01,245 --> 00:20:03,243
MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
WE CAN MAKE
A NEW START.
538
00:20:03,312 --> 00:20:04,577
OH, COME ON, GUYS.
539
00:20:04,646 --> 00:20:06,744
DON'T LET HIM SWEET
TALK YOU LIKE THAT.
540
00:20:06,812 --> 00:20:08,077
WAIT. YOU CAN'T
LEAVE NOW.
541
00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:10,143
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
THE HERO HERE. WAIT!
542
00:20:10,212 --> 00:20:11,510
CAN YOU LET ME
PISTOL-WHIP YOU
543
00:20:11,579 --> 00:20:13,510
A COUPLE TIMES
FOR THE CAMERA?
544
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:18,077
DANG, STUPID ROBBERS
WITH YOUR GUNS AND
YOUR MAKE-OUT PARTIES.
545
00:20:18,146 --> 00:20:19,776
[Crowd cheering]
546
00:20:25,878 --> 00:20:27,544
A HA! EXCELLENT!
547
00:20:27,612 --> 00:20:30,277
THEY DETACHED
THE HUMAN COMPONENT
FROM THE MACHINE.
548
00:20:30,346 --> 00:20:34,077
MACHINE, I AM YOUR NEW MASTER
AND I ORDER YOU TO GO!
549
00:20:34,479 --> 00:20:35,877
ENGAGE!
550
00:20:35,946 --> 00:20:39,410
BLAST! MUST BE SOME KIND OF
PROPRIETARY COMMAND SYSTEM.
551
00:20:39,479 --> 00:20:41,944
NOW ON THE RUSSIAN MIG,
IT'S NEXT TO THE ALTIMETER.
552
00:20:42,012 --> 00:20:45,243
THERE YOU ARE.
I CAN'T TURN MY BACK
ON YOU FOR A SECOND.
553
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:48,610
OH! ONE DAY I SHALL
UNLOCK THE SECRET
OF THAT DEVICE.
554
00:20:48,678 --> 00:20:50,811
AND WHEN I DO, MOTHER,
VICTORY SHALL BE--
555
00:20:54,179 --> 00:20:56,477
PETER, YOU HAD US
SO WORRIED.
556
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:58,777
WHAT ON EARTH WERE
YOU TRYING TO PROVE?
557
00:20:58,846 --> 00:21:01,244
I'M SORRY. JOE
IS A GREAT GUY.
558
00:21:01,313 --> 00:21:03,744
I GUESS I WAS
JUST TIRED OF HIM
BEING YOUR HERO.
559
00:21:03,812 --> 00:21:07,110
PETER, JOE IS A HERO.
BUT HE'S NOT OUR HERO.
560
00:21:07,179 --> 00:21:08,110
YOU ARE.
561
00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:09,210
REALLY?
562
00:21:09,279 --> 00:21:10,377
YEAH.
563
00:21:10,445 --> 00:21:12,577
YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT
THERE ON THE COUCH FOR US,
564
00:21:12,645 --> 00:21:15,010
MAKING US LAUGH
WHEN WE'RE UPSET.
565
00:21:15,079 --> 00:21:18,044
CHANGING THE CHANNEL WHEN
SOMETHING BORING COMES ON.
566
00:21:18,112 --> 00:21:19,677
EATING THE LAST
SLICE OF PIZZA
567
00:21:19,745 --> 00:21:21,443
SO THE REST OF US
DON'T FIGHT OVER IT.
568
00:21:21,512 --> 00:21:23,443
YEAH, DADDY.
IF YOU HADN'T
PULLED THIS STUNT
569
00:21:23,512 --> 00:21:25,743
I NEVER WOULD'VE LEARNED
HOW TO MANIPULATE KEVIN.
570
00:21:25,811 --> 00:21:28,143
AND WHEN THE KIDS AT
SCHOOL SEE US ON T.V.
571
00:21:28,212 --> 00:21:30,076
THEY'LL THINK
YOU'RE A TOTAL PSYCHO.
572
00:21:30,145 --> 00:21:33,877
AND I CAN SAY,
"THAT PSYCHO IS MY DAD!"
573
00:21:33,946 --> 00:21:36,677
I WOULDN'T HAVE
WON SILVER IN NAGANO,
HAD YOU NOT DRIVEN ME
574
00:21:36,746 --> 00:21:38,610
TO THE ICE RINK EVERY
MORNING AT 6:00 A.M.
575
00:21:38,678 --> 00:21:39,577
HUH.
576
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,210
I GUESS BEING A
HERO ISN'T ALWAYS
577
00:21:41,279 --> 00:21:43,810
ABOUT SAVING LIVES
AND CATCHING BAD GUYS.
578
00:21:43,879 --> 00:21:46,543
IT'S ALSO ABOUT
JUST BEING THERE
FOR THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
579
00:21:46,612 --> 00:21:48,610
HELP! SOMEONE JUST
STOLE MY PURSE!
580
00:21:48,679 --> 00:21:51,077
WHO CARES?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
581
00:21:54,012 --> 00:21:56,077
♪[Theme music playing]