1 00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:02,966 [Announcer] PREVIOUSLY ON FAMILY GUY. 2 00:00:03,034 --> 00:00:04,032 OH, MY GOD! 3 00:00:04,100 --> 00:00:05,832 TELL YOUR FATHER NOT TO START THE CAR! 4 00:00:08,700 --> 00:00:10,265 YOU WANT MY BADGE NUMBER? HERE! 5 00:00:10,334 --> 00:00:11,832 HERE'S MY FREAKIN' BADGE NUMBER! 6 00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,798 I CAN'T LOSE THIS CASE! 7 00:00:14,867 --> 00:00:16,565 LOIS, THE CASE IS ALREADY OVER! 8 00:00:16,634 --> 00:00:18,198 [Whimpering] 9 00:00:18,267 --> 00:00:20,364 WHO DID THIS TO YOU? 10 00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:21,699 IN ALL MY YEARS OF RESEARCH, 11 00:00:21,767 --> 00:00:23,766 I'VE NEVER SEEN A VIRUS REPRODUCE THIS QUICKLY. 12 00:00:27,634 --> 00:00:29,932 [Screaming] 13 00:00:30,001 --> 00:00:32,166 EVERYONE I'VE TOLD ABOUT THE FILE IS DEAD. 14 00:00:32,235 --> 00:00:34,066 [Meg] WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "CUT THE BLUE WIRE"? 15 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:35,665 THEY'RE ALL BLUE WIRES! 16 00:00:37,534 --> 00:00:38,532 FACE IT. 17 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,465 HE'S NEVER COMING OUT OF THAT COMA. 18 00:00:46,101 --> 00:00:47,799 AAH! 19 00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:51,298 [Gasps] BRIAN'S GONE TO LOS ANGELES 20 00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:53,132 TO FIND HIMSELF! 21 00:00:53,201 --> 00:00:56,899 ♪ IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪ 22 00:00:56,968 --> 00:01:00,165 ♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON T.V. ♪ 23 00:01:00,233 --> 00:01:03,898 ♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪ 24 00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:06,932 ♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪ 25 00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:10,132 ♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪ 26 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,399 ♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO'LL POSITIVELY TELL YOU ♪ 27 00:01:13,467 --> 00:01:15,231 ♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US ♪ 28 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:16,932 ♪ LAUGH 'N' CRY ♪ 29 00:01:17,001 --> 00:01:21,598 ♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪ 30 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,632 PETER, DON'T THROW OUT BRIAN'S THINGS. 31 00:01:27,701 --> 00:01:30,032 IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GONNA BE IN LOS ANGELES FOREVER. 32 00:01:30,101 --> 00:01:31,565 HE JUST NEEDS TO FIND HIMSELF. 33 00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:33,632 HE'S NOT COMING BACK, LOIS. YOU SAW HIM. 34 00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:34,966 HE JUST WALKED OUT ON US. 35 00:01:35,034 --> 00:01:37,531 [Sighs] BOY, DID WE HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES! 36 00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:40,365 HERE IT COMES, BUDDY! 37 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,265 [Screaming] AAH! OH, GOD! 38 00:01:44,333 --> 00:01:45,331 OH, GOD! 39 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,865 AAH! OW! 40 00:01:46,933 --> 00:01:49,298 WHAT ARE THE ODDS? AAH! 41 00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:52,465 IF HE DOES COME BACK, I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE JUST HOW HE LEFT IT. 42 00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:54,765 EASY! MASSAGE THE SCALP! 43 00:01:54,834 --> 00:01:56,164 YOU'RE WASHING A BABY'S HAIR, 44 00:01:56,233 --> 00:01:58,131 NOT SCRUBBING VOMIT OFF YOUR CHRISTMAS DRESS, 45 00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,399 YOU HOLIDAY DRUNK! 46 00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:01,332 YOU GUYS! WE GOT A LETTER FROM BRIAN! 47 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,665 TELL--TELL HIM I'M NOT HERE. 48 00:02:02,734 --> 00:02:03,732 LET ME SEE. 49 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,632 [Screaming] 50 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:07,899 OH, I'M SORRY, SWEETIE. 51 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,066 THERE. ALL BETTER? 52 00:02:10,135 --> 00:02:12,298 YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SOME PIECE OF WORK, LADY. 53 00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:13,998 IF YOU... WELL, ACTUALLY, YES, IT IS. 54 00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:16,798 "GREETINGS FROM CALIFORNIA. 55 00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:18,532 "I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY. 56 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:19,932 "I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME 57 00:02:20,001 --> 00:02:21,965 "TRYING TO MAKE IT AS A WRITER IN L.A. 58 00:02:22,034 --> 00:02:24,565 "IT'S JUST AS EASY AS EVERYONE THINKS IT IS. 59 00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:25,966 "I'VE BEEN WORKING THE ROOM 60 00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:28,032 "AT A LOT OF HOLLYWOOD PARTIES." 61 00:02:28,101 --> 00:02:29,298 OOH. 62 00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:31,731 [People chattering] 63 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,498 BOBBY, LOVED YOU IN RAGING BULL. 64 00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,398 HEY, JODIE, HOW'S THE BABY? 65 00:02:36,467 --> 00:02:37,732 ALL RIGHT. 66 00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,298 HEY, I NEED MORE CHEESE PUFFS, MANNY. 67 00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,032 LOOKS LIKE OPRAH'S OFF THE WAGON AGAIN. 68 00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:45,131 AND SKIP THE TOOTHPICKS. SHE'LL JUST HURT HERSELF. 69 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,665 HEY, BRI. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT JASON? 70 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,399 PARAMOUNT BOUGHT HIS SCRIPT. 71 00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,966 THEY BOUGHT DEATH SPARES NOT THE TIGER? 72 00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:52,866 $100,000. PRETTY GOOD, HUH? 73 00:02:52,934 --> 00:02:54,732 JEEZ! HE'S BEEN IN L.A. HOW LONG? 74 00:02:54,801 --> 00:02:55,565 [Scoffs] 75 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,166 UNBELIEVABLE. 76 00:02:57,235 --> 00:02:59,565 YOU KNOW, HE ACTUALLY CALLED THE MAIN CHARACTER "JOHN EVERYMAN"? 77 00:02:59,634 --> 00:03:01,066 C-COME ON. 78 00:03:01,135 --> 00:03:02,932 WELL, GOOD FOR HIM. 79 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,298 [Sighs] 80 00:03:09,801 --> 00:03:11,232 [Chattering] 81 00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:15,765 KEANU REEVES, WOW! 82 00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:17,598 YOU KNOW, I DON'T USUALLY GUSH. 83 00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:19,032 SO, YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME. 84 00:03:19,101 --> 00:03:20,932 BUT WHEN I WAS WRITING COAST GUARD... 85 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,464 THAT'S WHAT I DO, I'M A WRITER... 86 00:03:22,533 --> 00:03:24,364 ANYWAY, WHEN I WAS WRITING COAST GUARD, 87 00:03:24,433 --> 00:03:26,365 I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYONE OTHER THAN... 88 00:03:26,967 --> 00:03:28,099 [Tapping] UH... 89 00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:29,565 THERE'S A WOODPECKER ON YOUR HEAD. 90 00:03:29,634 --> 00:03:30,899 YEAH, HE COMES AND GOES. 91 00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:35,398 [Announcer] AND NOW BACK TO KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS. 92 00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,132 IT'S OK. TAKE YOUR TIME. 93 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,532 THEN WHAT HAPPENED? 94 00:03:38,601 --> 00:03:39,799 [Sniffling] HE... 95 00:03:39,868 --> 00:03:41,132 HE SAID HE WOULD KILL ME 96 00:03:41,201 --> 00:03:42,998 IF I EVER SAID ANYTHING. 97 00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:45,265 DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE? 98 00:03:45,334 --> 00:03:48,498 YEAH. HE HAD A SCAR ON HIS ARM. 99 00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:51,298 AND HE HAD A BIG, STUPID DOO-DOO HEAD! 100 00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:54,432 "A BIG, STUPID DOO-DOO HEAD!" 101 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,165 [Audience laughing] 102 00:03:56,968 --> 00:03:58,232 [Laughing] 103 00:03:58,301 --> 00:04:00,365 HONESTLY! THE THINGS THESE CHILDREN COME UP WITH. 104 00:04:00,433 --> 00:04:02,532 [Announcer] IF YOU HAVE A CHILD YOU'D LIKE TO EXPLOIT 105 00:04:02,601 --> 00:04:04,366 IN ORDER TO GET A FREE TRIP TO LOS ANGELES, 106 00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:06,165 WHY NOT HAVE THEM TRY OUT FOR OUR SHOW? 107 00:04:06,234 --> 00:04:07,898 OUR NEXT AUDITIONS WILL BE HELD IN NEW YORK, 108 00:04:07,967 --> 00:04:09,632 CHICAGO, AND QUAHOG, RHODE ISLAND. 109 00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:11,865 HEY, MAYBE STEWIE COULD GET ON THAT SHOW. 110 00:04:11,934 --> 00:04:14,099 UGH. YOU MUST BE 'SHROOMING. 111 00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:16,832 YEAH! WE CAN GET A FREE TRIP TO L.A. AND SEE BRIAN. 112 00:04:16,901 --> 00:04:18,398 JEEZ, I HAVEN'T BEEN TO CALIFORNIA 113 00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,198 SINCE I LIVED WITH MY OTHER FAMILY. 114 00:04:22,134 --> 00:04:23,465 GUYS, I JUST GOT INVITED 115 00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:25,531 TO A PARTY AT SHARON TATE'S HOUSE! 116 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,966 YOU GUYS CAN COME, 117 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,299 BUT YOU GOT TO PROMISE NOT TO EMBARRASS ME. 118 00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:31,965 TALK, DAMN YOU! 119 00:04:32,034 --> 00:04:33,832 I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN PLOTTING TO FOIL MY PLANS 120 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:34,999 OF WORLD DOMINATION. 121 00:04:35,068 --> 00:04:36,099 WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? 122 00:04:36,168 --> 00:04:37,565 THE LIBYANS? THE FRENCH? 123 00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,732 VERY WELL, IF TORTURE WON'T WORK, 124 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,231 PERHAPS A LITTLE TENDERNESS WILL. 125 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,498 MMM, I LIKE YOUR TASTE IN WOMEN. 126 00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:47,465 YES, I THINK SHE AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE 127 00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:49,231 A GOOD TIME TOGETHER. 128 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:50,499 [Squeaking] 129 00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:53,265 YES, YOU LIKE THIS, DON'T YOU? 130 00:04:53,333 --> 00:04:55,598 OH, GOD! LOOK AT ME, HAVING SEX WITH A PIG. 131 00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:57,331 I'VE BECOME MY FATHER! 132 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,665 COME ON, STEWIE. LET'S GET YOUR SAILOR SUIT. 133 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,565 YOU GOT TO LOOK CUTE IF YOU'RE AUDITIONING 134 00:05:01,633 --> 00:05:02,932 FOR NATIONAL TELEVISION. 135 00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:05,565 LOIS, I TOLD YOU THERE'S NO WAY... 136 00:05:05,633 --> 00:05:07,631 NATIONAL TELEVISION, YOU SAY? 137 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,032 COAST TO COAST? 138 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,598 WELL, THAT COULD BE THE IDEAL PLACE 139 00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:12,632 TO UNLEASH MY MASS-HYPNOSIS DEVICE 140 00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:14,432 ON THE UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC. 141 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:15,798 [Beeping] 142 00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:18,565 OH, I ALWAYS LOVED THIS LITTLE SAILOR SUIT. 143 00:05:18,633 --> 00:05:20,932 OR WE COULD DO NICE CORDUROYS AND A SWEATER. 144 00:05:21,001 --> 00:05:23,565 OR YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AND WIPE MY BUTTON. 145 00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,099 CIRCULAR MOTION, ONE FINGER. 146 00:05:25,168 --> 00:05:27,066 AND DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME! 147 00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:34,366 OH, MY GOD! THAT'S MICHAEL EISNER. 148 00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,998 I'LL--I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE, JULIO. 149 00:05:39,534 --> 00:05:41,065 UH, HERE YOU GO, MR. EISNER. 150 00:05:41,134 --> 00:05:43,032 IT'S, UH, IT'S BEEN BRIAN-IZED. 151 00:05:43,101 --> 00:05:45,665 YOU MIGHT NOTICE THAT NEW-SCRIPT SMELL. 152 00:05:45,734 --> 00:05:47,131 EVERY CAR I HAND-WASH 153 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,032 COMES WITH A SMILE, AN AIR FRESHENER, 154 00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:51,465 AND A COPY OF MY CAN'T-MISS COMING-OF-AGE 155 00:05:51,533 --> 00:05:53,166 TEEN COMEDY SET IN WISCONSIN. 156 00:05:53,234 --> 00:05:54,165 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 157 00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:55,098 BRIAN. 158 00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:56,532 LET'S SEE. 159 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,966 THERE WE GO, BRIAN. 160 00:06:00,034 --> 00:06:01,665 SEE YOU AT DISNEYLAND. 161 00:06:01,733 --> 00:06:02,865 BRING MONEY. 162 00:06:09,501 --> 00:06:11,899 LOOK. IT'S TOM TUCKER FROM THE NEWS, 163 00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:13,599 AND THAT MUST BE HIS SON. 164 00:06:14,767 --> 00:06:16,131 OH, MY! 165 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,364 I FEEL BAD STARING WITHOUT HAVING PAID FOR A TICKET. 166 00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:20,465 I MEAN, REALLY, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THAT ACT? 167 00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:21,732 BITE THE HEAD OFF A CHICKEN? 168 00:06:21,801 --> 00:06:23,531 DAD, THEY'RE STARING AT ME! 169 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,032 THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS. 170 00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,132 UGH. 171 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,099 YOU'RE NEXT. 172 00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,132 HEY, W-WAIT A MINUTE. 173 00:06:29,201 --> 00:06:30,532 WAIT. WE WERE NEXT! HEY! 174 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,532 HEY! DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME! HEY! 175 00:06:33,834 --> 00:06:34,798 [Sighs] 176 00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:36,364 YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO? 177 00:06:36,433 --> 00:06:38,831 WE'RE GONNA GET THE VIDEO CAMERA OUT AND MAKE OUR OWN SHOW. 178 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:39,932 I DON'T WANNA! 179 00:06:40,001 --> 00:06:41,166 YES, YOU DO! 180 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,999 YOU DO, BECAUSE IT'S NORMAL! 181 00:06:45,134 --> 00:06:48,032 TELL US, STEWIE, WHAT JOB DOES A MOMMY DO? 182 00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,598 OH, INTERESTING QUESTION. 183 00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:52,032 MORE TO THE POINT, HOW DOES ONE DEFINE "JOB" 184 00:06:52,101 --> 00:06:55,299 WITHOUT BRANDING ONESELF WITH USELESS LABELS? 185 00:06:55,368 --> 00:06:57,199 OH, I'M SORRY, I'M AFRAID I ANSWERED 186 00:06:57,268 --> 00:06:59,066 YOUR QUESTION WITH ANOTHER QUESTION. 187 00:06:59,733 --> 00:07:00,799 UM... 188 00:07:00,867 --> 00:07:02,565 HOW OLD DO YOU THINK DADDY IS? 189 00:07:02,634 --> 00:07:03,732 42. 190 00:07:04,534 --> 00:07:06,199 OH! UM, UH, UH... 191 00:07:06,268 --> 00:07:08,465 I--I MEAN, I MEAN, DADDY'S OLD! 192 00:07:08,534 --> 00:07:10,098 I THINK HE'S 7! 193 00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,598 [All laughing] 194 00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:15,132 THAT'S IT. YES. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, ISN'T IT? 195 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:16,765 YES, JUMP THROUGH THE HOOP. 196 00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:18,598 DADDY'S FEET SMELL! 197 00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:19,865 [All laughing] 198 00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:21,199 [Muttering] JACKASSES. 199 00:07:21,267 --> 00:07:23,798 [Chuckling] MR. AND MRS. GRIFFIN, 200 00:07:23,867 --> 00:07:26,365 HE'S ADORABLE. CONGRATULATIONS. 201 00:07:26,433 --> 00:07:28,465 STEWIE'S GONNA BE ON THE SHOW. 202 00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:31,198 DID YOU HEAR THAT, LOIS? WE'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD! 203 00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:33,231 WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE SEXY AND CLEVER 204 00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:34,731 AND THEY ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING FUNNY 205 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,665 RIGHT BEFORE THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. 206 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,332 OH, GREAT. I ALWAYS END UP SITTING NEXT 207 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:49,632 TO A DAMN BABY. 208 00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:51,399 WHAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? 209 00:07:51,467 --> 00:07:52,632 STEWIE, STOP FUSSING. 210 00:07:52,701 --> 00:07:53,865 NOT NOW, LOIS. 211 00:07:53,934 --> 00:07:55,598 HEY, BIG MAN, TURN AROUND. 212 00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,099 IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT TO MY FACE! 213 00:07:58,167 --> 00:07:59,531 OH, YOU CAN'T HEAR ME NOW. 214 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,665 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. I WAS GOING TO WATCH THE MOVIE, 215 00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:02,732 BUT FORGET IT. 216 00:08:02,801 --> 00:08:04,932 FOR THE NEXT 5 HOURS, YOU'RE MY BITCH. 217 00:08:05,001 --> 00:08:06,965 [Wailing] 218 00:08:07,034 --> 00:08:10,032 MY EARS ARE POPPING, AND THERE'S NO WAY TO CONSOLE ME! 219 00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,265 I'M HUNGRY AND POSSIBLY TEETHING! 220 00:08:12,334 --> 00:08:13,465 MAYBE I'M WET. 221 00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:15,165 WHO KNOWS? I'M A BABY. 222 00:08:15,234 --> 00:08:16,632 [Wailing] 223 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:22,565 [Beeping] 224 00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:24,765 [Man] YEAH. UH, THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR BRIAN. 225 00:08:24,833 --> 00:08:26,665 THIS IS JACK NICHOLSON. 226 00:08:26,733 --> 00:08:28,498 UH, LISTEN, I READ YOUR SCRIPT, 227 00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:29,965 AND IT JUST, UH, YOU KNOW, 228 00:08:30,034 --> 00:08:31,932 JUMPED RIGHT OFF THE PAGE. 229 00:08:32,001 --> 00:08:33,265 UH, I THINK IT'S SOMETHING 230 00:08:33,334 --> 00:08:35,098 I'D BE EXCITED TO BE A PART OF. 231 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,798 SO, UH, CALL MY, UH... 232 00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,832 [Men laughing] 233 00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:41,999 LISTEN, I'M JUST JACKING YOU, MAN. 234 00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,432 ME--ME AND MY BUDDY PHIL 235 00:08:43,501 --> 00:08:45,466 JUST FOUND YOUR SCRIPT AT STARBUCKS. 236 00:08:45,534 --> 00:08:46,499 [Phil] TELL HIM IT SUCKS! 237 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:47,565 YEAH, IT SUCKS! 238 00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:49,466 [Laughing] GIVE IT UP, LOSER! 239 00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:52,165 AND DON'T PUT YOUR NUMBER ON THE COVER, YOU STUPID. 240 00:08:52,234 --> 00:08:54,099 [Laughing] 241 00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,499 I'M HUNGRY. 242 00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:57,032 [Telephone ringing] 243 00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:58,498 [Sighs] JASPER'S RESIDENCE. 244 00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:00,532 WHO THE HELL IS JASPER? WHERE'S BRIAN? 245 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,399 PETER? I-I-IT'S ME. JASPER'S MY COUSIN. 246 00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:05,565 I'M USING HIS PLACE WHILE HE WORKS AT CLUB MED. 247 00:09:05,634 --> 00:09:06,632 ARE YOU ON A CELL PHONE? 248 00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:07,832 YEAH. WE'RE IN L.A. 249 00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:09,531 WHAT? UH... 250 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,832 UH, WHAT--WHAT A TERRIFIC SURPRISE! 251 00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:13,732 BRIAN, CAN WE SEE YOU FOR DINNER? 252 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,699 YEAH, YOU'RE NOT TOO FAMOUS TO GET TOGETHER 253 00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:17,298 WITH YOUR OLD FAMILY, ARE YOU? 254 00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:20,198 WELL, I--I, UH, I--I WAS INVITED TO THE PREMIERE OF THE NEW, 255 00:09:20,266 --> 00:09:21,364 UH... 256 00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:25,865 THE NEW VAL KILMER PICTURE, 257 00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:28,265 BUT I'D MUCH RATHER TAKE YOU GUYS OUT TO DINNER. 258 00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,965 HOW ABOUT MUSSO AND FRANK'S, 8:00? 259 00:09:30,034 --> 00:09:32,598 OK, SEE YOU LATER, MR. BIGSHOT... 260 00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:33,698 [Gulps] 261 00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:35,365 OH, CRAP! I DIDN'T PUSH "END." 262 00:09:35,434 --> 00:09:37,199 THIS IS GONNA COST ME A FORTUNE. 263 00:09:37,267 --> 00:09:38,565 [Phone beeps] 264 00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:42,699 BRIAN! OK, I'M BACK. 265 00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:44,132 TELL ME EVERYTHING. I'M SITTING. 266 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,498 I'M HEARING. THAT'S RICARDO. 267 00:09:45,567 --> 00:09:46,598 RICARDO. BRIAN. 268 00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,198 HE DOESN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH. CAN I... 269 00:09:48,266 --> 00:09:49,532 MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM.. 270 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,832 CATCHING UP. OK, ME FIRST. 271 00:09:50,901 --> 00:09:52,932 I'M IN LOVE. OOH. TOO MUCH DRESSING. 272 00:09:53,001 --> 00:09:54,132 HE'S FROM THE PHILIPPINES. 273 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,932 I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M A RICE QUEEN. 274 00:09:56,001 --> 00:09:57,598 SO, HOW'S THE WRITING THINGY GOING? 275 00:09:57,667 --> 00:09:58,632 [Sighs] TERRIBLE. 276 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,399 I CAN'T EVEN GET MY FOOT IN THE DOOR. 277 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,265 OH, OK. I HAVE SOMEBODY YOU HAVE TO MEET. 278 00:10:02,334 --> 00:10:03,899 HE'S A PRODUCER. HE'S GREAT. 279 00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:06,332 REALLY? OH, THANKS. THAT'D BE GREAT. 280 00:10:06,401 --> 00:10:07,832 SO, DO YOU LIKE SEX AND THE CITY? 281 00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:09,299 YEAH. IT'S AN ALL RIGHT SHOW. 282 00:10:09,367 --> 00:10:12,399 I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE SHOW. OOH, I'M NASTY! 283 00:10:12,467 --> 00:10:13,698 [Making fog horn sound] 284 00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:15,532 SOMEONE SEND ME OUT TO SEA! 285 00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,231 [Meg] OH, IT SAYS HERE 286 00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:20,632 THAT THIS IS THE ACTUAL GUTTER 287 00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,365 WHERE THE POLICEMAN FELL OVER LAUGHING 288 00:10:22,434 --> 00:10:24,132 AFTER EDDIE MURPHY TOLD HIM HE WAS JUST 289 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,131 GIVING THE TRANSVESTITE A RIDE HOME. 290 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,364 [Phone ringing] 291 00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:28,866 OH, I THINK THAT'S ME. 292 00:10:28,934 --> 00:10:29,965 HELLO? 293 00:10:30,034 --> 00:10:31,565 HEY, PETER, IT'S QUAGMIRE. 294 00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:33,132 OH, HEY, QUAGMIRE. 295 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,431 GUESS WHAT? LAST NIGHT I HAD SEX WITH A BLACK CHICK. 296 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:37,166 UH, UH, I--I GOT TO GO. 297 00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,331 HEH, SORRY. 298 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,264 WHAT? ALL HE SAID WAS "BLACK CHICK." 299 00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:42,598 YEAH, I KNOW. BUT YOUR BOYFRIEND 300 00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:44,464 LOOKS LIKE A TYPICAL ANGRY BLACK GUY.. 301 00:10:44,533 --> 00:10:45,699 I DIDN'T WANT TO OFFEND HIM. 302 00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,032 HEY, WE COOL, "G"? 303 00:10:47,101 --> 00:10:49,165 YEAH? YEAH? YEAH? YEAH? 304 00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:50,398 ALL RIGHT! 305 00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:55,498 I, UH, I WAS THINKING HALLE BERRY WOULD BE PERFECT 306 00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:56,598 AS THE CAMP COUNSELOR 307 00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:58,632 ALL THE KIDS WANT TO "GET WITH." 308 00:10:58,701 --> 00:10:59,732 JASPER WAS RIGHT. 309 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:00,999 YOU'RE VERY TALENTED. 310 00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,331 YOU KNOW, I--I'M HAVING A BRAINSTORM HERE. 311 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,999 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DIRECTING? 312 00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:06,599 OH, JUST EVERY WAKING HOUR! 313 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,131 WELL, I--I GOT THIS MOVIE. 314 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,165 I'M NOT GONNA LIE. IT'S A LOW-BUDGET MOVIE. 315 00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,632 BUT THE SCRIPT IS SOLID. 316 00:11:11,701 --> 00:11:12,965 MY DIRECTOR DROPPED OUT. 317 00:11:13,034 --> 00:11:14,598 AND I NEED SOMEBODY WHO'S SMART, 318 00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,865 AMBITIOUS AND NOT ADDICTED TO METH. 319 00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,765 WELL, I AM SMART AND AMBITIOUS! 320 00:11:18,833 --> 00:11:20,498 [Both laughing] 321 00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:22,199 SERIOUSLY. NO, NO. I'M CLEAN. 322 00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:27,799 [Brian] YOU KNOW, UH, MUSSO AND FRANK'S IS FAMOUS. 323 00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:29,199 SEE THE BAR OVER THERE? 324 00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:31,398 GREAT WRITERS LIKE HEMINGWAY AND FAULKNER DRANK THERE. 325 00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:32,565 HEY, HEY, WHERE DID THAT GUY 326 00:11:32,634 --> 00:11:34,465 WHO WROTE PORKY'S DRINK? HUH? HUH? 327 00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:36,465 OH, MAN! WHEN THAT-- WHEN THAT FAT BROAD 328 00:11:36,533 --> 00:11:38,932 GRABBED THAT KID'S CRANK THROUGH THE HOLE... OH. 329 00:11:39,001 --> 00:11:40,698 WHERE DO THEY GET THEIR IDEAS? HUH? 330 00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:41,766 WHERE DO THEY GET THEM? 331 00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:43,265 YOU'RE THE WRITER. YOU TELL ME. 332 00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:44,799 AH, BOY! THIS IS GREAT. 333 00:11:44,868 --> 00:11:48,265 ALL THAT SEARCHING, THAT EMPTINESS I FELT BACK HOME, GONE. 334 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,565 I THINK I FINALLY FOUND MY LIFE'S CALLING, YOU KNOW? 335 00:11:50,634 --> 00:11:52,632 OH, HOW WONDERFUL! 336 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,698 YOU KNOW, BRIAN, I'VE ALWAYS FOUND YOUR WRITING 337 00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:56,598 TO BE A LITTLE HACKNEYED AND STILTED, 338 00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:58,365 BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M NOT WORKING 339 00:11:58,434 --> 00:11:59,698 OUT HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, HUH? 340 00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:00,932 [Laughing] 341 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,332 OH, CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL YOUR SUCCESS. 342 00:12:04,401 --> 00:12:05,432 UH, 343 00:12:05,501 --> 00:12:06,932 TH-TH-THANK YOU. 344 00:12:07,001 --> 00:12:09,099 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE A THRILL FOR YOU GUYS? 345 00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,698 OOH! OOH! EATING A PEBBLE! 346 00:12:10,767 --> 00:12:12,465 YES, BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT 347 00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:14,365 STOPPING BY THE SET TO SEE ME IN ACTION. 348 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,565 [Gasps] BRIAN, COULD WE REALLY? 349 00:12:16,633 --> 00:12:19,032 WELL, YOU, UH, YOU DO KNOW SOMEBODY IN THE BUSINESS. 350 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,165 [Laughing] 351 00:12:20,234 --> 00:12:22,232 YES, I'M IN THE BUSINESS, TOO, YOU KNOW. 352 00:12:22,301 --> 00:12:24,098 I'M GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION. 353 00:12:24,167 --> 00:12:25,166 GREAT. YES. 354 00:12:25,235 --> 00:12:26,398 WHEN I MAKE MY APPEARANCE 355 00:12:26,466 --> 00:12:28,032 I PROMISE YOU'LL ALL BE TALKING ABOUT IT 356 00:12:28,101 --> 00:12:29,632 AT THE WATER COOLER THE NEXT DAY. 357 00:12:29,701 --> 00:12:31,165 YEAH, WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 358 00:12:31,233 --> 00:12:32,798 "YEAH, WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT." 359 00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:33,865 YUTZ. 360 00:12:33,934 --> 00:12:35,732 [Phone ringing] 361 00:12:35,801 --> 00:12:37,765 [Woman] HELLO, I'M TRYING TO REACH PETER GRIFFIN. 362 00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:38,765 YOU'RE IN HIM. 363 00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:40,199 MR. GRIFFIN, ARE YOU HAPPY 364 00:12:40,268 --> 00:12:41,631 WITH YOUR LONG-DISTANCE SERVICE? 365 00:12:41,701 --> 00:12:43,465 YES. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU PEOPLE 366 00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:44,899 ALWAYS CALLING DURING DINNER. 367 00:12:44,968 --> 00:12:46,665 I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR. 368 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,032 HOLD, PLEASE. 369 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,732 ♪[Looks Like We Made It by Barry Manilow playing] 370 00:12:50,801 --> 00:12:52,498 OH, PETER, I LOVE THIS SONG. 371 00:12:52,566 --> 00:12:53,765 OPEN YOUR MOUTH. 372 00:12:53,834 --> 00:12:56,065 ♪ LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT ♪ 373 00:12:59,734 --> 00:13:01,932 BRIAN, RIGHT ON TIME. I LIKE THAT. 374 00:13:02,001 --> 00:13:02,932 COME IN. 375 00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:04,199 SO, READY? 376 00:13:04,268 --> 00:13:05,565 READY TO SHOOT YOUR FIRST SCENE? 377 00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:07,032 I SURE AM. WHERE'S THE SET? 378 00:13:07,101 --> 00:13:08,432 2ND DOOR ON YOUR LEFT. 379 00:13:14,768 --> 00:13:17,765 SO, THIS IS SOME KIND OF SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL, RIGHT? 380 00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:19,966 DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE DOG IN THIS ONE? 381 00:13:20,034 --> 00:13:21,499 HEY, CAN SOMEONE FLUFF PAUL? 382 00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,532 HE'S GOT, LIKE, A WINDSOCK THING GOING ON. 383 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,265 SO, THIS IS SOME KIND OF SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL, RIGHT? 384 00:13:31,433 --> 00:13:32,798 LOOK, ZACK, I'M--I'M SORRY. 385 00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,398 THERE'S JUST NO WAY I CAN DO THIS. 386 00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:35,832 I MEAN, I--I'VE BEEN AROUND. 387 00:13:35,901 --> 00:13:38,066 YOU KNOW, I'VE--I'VE LICKED MY SHARE OF PEANUT BUTTER. 388 00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:39,866 BUT I--I JUST THINK YOU NEED 389 00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:41,265 TO FIND YOURSELF A NEW DIRECTOR. 390 00:13:41,333 --> 00:13:42,231 ARE YOU SURE? 391 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,699 I JUST CAN'T DO THIS. 392 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:46,098 COME ON, IS THIS ANY MORE DEGRADING THAN WASHING CARS? 393 00:13:46,166 --> 00:13:47,899 AT LEAST HERE YOU CAN BE CREATIVE. 394 00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:50,099 LOOK, I--I WANT TO MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR. 395 00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:51,432 THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY 396 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:54,365 I WOULD POSSIBLY CONSIDER DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS. 397 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,299 UNLESS I SAW A SCRIPT FIRST. 398 00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:58,665 OF COURSE. 399 00:14:02,001 --> 00:14:03,099 YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T BAD. 400 00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,065 IT'S KIND OF LIKE BANG THE DRUM SLOWLY, 401 00:14:05,134 --> 00:14:06,532 EXCEPT THE DRUM'S A CHICK. 402 00:14:08,834 --> 00:14:10,264 [Horns honking] 403 00:14:10,968 --> 00:14:12,698 [Tires screeching] 404 00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:13,999 PETER, SLOW DOWN. 405 00:14:14,068 --> 00:14:16,364 BRIAN SAID HE WAS GONNA BE ON THE SET ALL DAY. 406 00:14:16,433 --> 00:14:18,432 OH, "ON THE SET." LISTEN TO ME. 407 00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:21,099 2 DAYS IN HOLLYWOOD, AND I SOUND LIKE A CONTRACT PLAYER. 408 00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:22,298 [Laughing] 409 00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,199 [Siren wailing] 410 00:14:24,267 --> 00:14:26,498 OH, CRAP! THE L.A.P.D.! 411 00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:27,998 [Screaming] 412 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,099 COME ON, PETER, I WANT TO SAVE SOME TAPE 413 00:14:32,168 --> 00:14:34,166 FOR THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN. 414 00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:36,598 OK. HEY, THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS. 415 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:39,598 HEY, OUR PLEASURE. HAVE A NICE VACATION, SIR. 416 00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:45,132 [Woman moaning] YES! YES! YES! 417 00:14:46,234 --> 00:14:48,333 [Moaning] YES! YES! 418 00:14:48,401 --> 00:14:49,398 CUT. 419 00:14:49,466 --> 00:14:51,565 UH, OK. UH, NICE TAKE, JENNA. 420 00:14:51,634 --> 00:14:53,399 BUT, UH, LET'S TRY GIVING THE LINES 421 00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:54,999 A LITTLE SUBTEXT THIS TIME. 422 00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:57,132 YOUR HUSBAND'S ALWAYS AWAY ON BUSINESS, 423 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,866 AND YOU FEEL INCREASINGLY ISOLATED AND UNLOVED, 424 00:14:59,934 --> 00:15:02,766 SO YOU BEGIN TO THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO GRADUATE SCHOOL 425 00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:04,398 AND FINISH YOUR DISSERTATION. 426 00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:07,299 AND THAT'S WHEN YOU NOTICE THE CABLE MAN HAS TAKEN HIS PANTS OFF. 427 00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:08,832 OH, WOW! 428 00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:10,365 A REAL MOVIE SET. 429 00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,232 HEY, THIS HOUSE LOOKS KIND OF FAMILIAR. 430 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,464 I'LL BET SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS HERE. 431 00:15:14,533 --> 00:15:16,331 HE'S IN EVERYTHING. 432 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:17,465 THERE'S BRIAN! 433 00:15:17,534 --> 00:15:18,899 ALL RIGHT, SAMUEL, WHEN YOU LAY HER DOWN 434 00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:20,132 IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE 435 00:15:20,201 --> 00:15:21,698 I WANT YOU TO ENTER FROM... 436 00:15:21,767 --> 00:15:23,199 OH, MY GOD! 437 00:15:23,267 --> 00:15:25,099 UH, HEY, YOU GUYS! 438 00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:26,866 HEY, BRIAN? CAN I BE IN THE MOVIE? 439 00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:29,066 WELL, ACTUALLY, ONE OF THE JACUZZI GIRLS DIDN'T SHOW UP. 440 00:15:29,135 --> 00:15:31,199 HOW LONG CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH UNDERWATER, SWEETIE? 441 00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:33,065 REAL LONG. ONE TIME AT HATCH POND-- 442 00:15:33,134 --> 00:15:34,431 NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! 443 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,266 THIS IS A CLOSED SET! YOU GOTTA LEAVE! 444 00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:37,532 GET THESE PEOPLE OUT OF HERE! NOW! 445 00:15:37,601 --> 00:15:39,098 OH, WHAT, NOW THAT YOU'RE A BIG DIRECTOR, 446 00:15:39,166 --> 00:15:40,165 WE EMBARRASS YOU? 447 00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:42,565 NO! NO! I--I MEAN, YES. 448 00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:44,498 DOES ANYONE ELSE SMELL ASTROGLIDE? 449 00:15:46,634 --> 00:15:48,465 YOU'RE GONNA LOOK SO HANDSOME. 450 00:15:48,534 --> 00:15:50,599 UGH, LOOK AT THESE CROW'S FEET. 451 00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:52,832 MY GOD! YOU STAY UP PAST 7:30, 452 00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:54,598 AND YOU PAY FOR IT IN THE MORNING. 453 00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:56,632 WHO THE HELL DOES BRIAN THINK HE IS? 454 00:15:56,701 --> 00:15:59,065 WELL, MAYBE HE THOUGHT WE'D GET IN THE WAY. 455 00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:00,599 I MEAN, IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME 456 00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:02,098 YOU'VE DISRUPTED A PERFORMANCE. 457 00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:08,398 [Tires screeching] 458 00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:09,899 OH, JEEZ! OH, GOD! 459 00:16:09,967 --> 00:16:11,432 OH, GOD! I--I DIDN'T SEE IT! 460 00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,232 IT JUMPED RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF MY CAR! 461 00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,432 OH, I AM SO SORRY! 462 00:16:15,501 --> 00:16:17,698 I THINK WE JUST HAVE TO FACE IT, PETER. 463 00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:19,698 BRIAN'S A BIG-TIME HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR, 464 00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:22,131 AND WE'RE JUST SIMPLE, SMALL-TOWN PEOPLE. 465 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,965 UM, ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE. ONE MORE. 466 00:16:24,034 --> 00:16:24,998 UH, ROB LOWE. 467 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:25,965 STRAIGHT. 468 00:16:26,034 --> 00:16:27,099 NO! YES. 469 00:16:27,168 --> 00:16:28,665 COME ON. STOP! HO, HUM. 470 00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:29,932 PULL OVER. ABSOLUTELY. 471 00:16:30,001 --> 00:16:31,131 REALLY? YEAH. 472 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,198 HE HIDES IT WELL. 473 00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:33,232 HE WISHES. 474 00:16:33,301 --> 00:16:34,965 [Crowd applauding] 475 00:16:35,034 --> 00:16:37,198 "STEWIE." THAT'S A FUNNY NAME. 476 00:16:37,266 --> 00:16:38,531 "STEWIE." 477 00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:42,498 IT'S LIKE "STEW," ONLY WITH AN "EEEE" AT THE END. 478 00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:43,965 HMM. 479 00:16:44,034 --> 00:16:45,898 I MEANT, IT'S FUNNY, STEWIE. 480 00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:48,165 YOU SEE, I HAD AN UNCLE NAMED STEWIE, 481 00:16:48,234 --> 00:16:50,331 AND HE USED TO SELL BICYCLES. 482 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,931 I'M SORRY, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ASKING ME A QUESTION? 483 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,132 STEWIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK 484 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,165 CANDY IS MADE OUT OF? 485 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,965 SUNSHINE AND FARTS! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? 486 00:17:00,034 --> 00:17:01,065 I LOVE CANDY! 487 00:17:01,134 --> 00:17:02,732 WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY, 488 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,065 WE WOULD PLAY STICKBALL! 489 00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,432 OH, NO. I'LL WAIT. OH, YOU FINISHED? 490 00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,365 I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW, IT'S MY FAULT, REALLY. 491 00:17:11,434 --> 00:17:13,465 I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THE NAME OF THE SHOW WAS 492 00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:15,199 KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS, 493 00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:17,898 NOT OLD BLACK COMEDIANS NEVER SHUT THE HELL UP. 494 00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:19,732 ASK ME WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP. 495 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,465 AND WE ALSO USED TO PLAY BUCK-BUCK. 496 00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:23,999 ENOUGH OF YOUR BLATHER. 497 00:17:24,068 --> 00:17:25,299 GOOD EVENING, WORLD. 498 00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:27,832 FROM THIS MOMENT ON, I WILL BE YOUR-- 499 00:17:27,901 --> 00:17:29,331 [Laughing] 500 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,832 WHAT YOU GOT THERE? 501 00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:34,732 OH, YOU GONNA GO SKIING NOW. 502 00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:36,032 GIVE THEM BACK TO ME! 503 00:17:36,101 --> 00:17:37,364 THEY'RE OF NO USE TO YOU! 504 00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:39,598 I'M GOING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN. 505 00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,266 COO-COO-CATCHOO. 506 00:17:41,335 --> 00:17:42,565 [All laughing] 507 00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:43,765 NO! 508 00:17:43,834 --> 00:17:46,365 DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! THAT'S NOT FUNNY! 509 00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:49,831 THAT'S JUST SAYING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO SKIING! 510 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:51,898 HERE I GO, DOWN THE SLOPE. 511 00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:53,098 OH, I'M GOING 512 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,598 ZIB, ZOB, ZOOBETY-BOB. 513 00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,098 [All laughing hysterically] 514 00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:57,966 STOP IT! STOP APPLAUDING HIM! 515 00:17:58,034 --> 00:18:00,366 HE'S NOT EVEN USING REAL WORDS ANYMORE! 516 00:18:00,435 --> 00:18:02,198 WE'LL BE BACK WITH A LITTLE GIRL 517 00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:03,798 FROM ATLANTA WHO SKIPS ROPE 518 00:18:03,867 --> 00:18:06,132 WITH HER SISTER'S PIGTAILS. 519 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,965 GOO-GOO, OODLA! 520 00:18:08,034 --> 00:18:09,432 NO! MY SEGMENT'S NOT OVER! 521 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:10,631 COME ON, LITTLE FELLOW. 522 00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:12,865 YOU LIKE TO JUMP ROPE, DON'T YOU? 523 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,532 I LIKE JUMP ROPE. 524 00:18:15,601 --> 00:18:17,865 ALL RIGHT. SO, YOU'RE GONNA JUST SIT HERE 525 00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:19,565 AND ENJOY IT. 526 00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:22,164 I'M GONNA SIT HERE AND ENJOY IT. 527 00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:24,131 AND I LIKE PUDDING. 528 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,298 AND GHOST DAD WAS THE BEST MOVIE 529 00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:28,832 I'VE SEEN SINCE LEONARD PART 6. 530 00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,732 [Audience applauding] 531 00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:34,298 GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS! 532 00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:36,832 WHAT, MORE PEOPLE I LOVE THINK I'M AN ARROGANT JERK? 533 00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,398 YOU'RE MORE THAN THAT, 534 00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:40,966 MR. "NOMINATED FOR AN ADULT MOVIE AWARD FOR BEST NEW DIRECTOR." 535 00:18:41,034 --> 00:18:42,766 A WOODY? I'M UP FOR A WOODY? 536 00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:43,865 COME ON, CALL YOUR FAMILY. 537 00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:45,698 I'LL BET THEY'LL BE REALLY PROUD OF YOU. 538 00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:47,498 NO, I'D RATHER THEY THINK I'M A JERK 539 00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:48,732 THAN A SMUT PEDDLER. 540 00:18:48,801 --> 00:18:50,199 BRIAN, THEY'RE YOUR FAMILY. 541 00:18:50,267 --> 00:18:52,665 THEY'LL LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU MADE A COUPLE OF CRAPPY MOVIES. 542 00:18:52,734 --> 00:18:55,065 I MEAN, BLYTHE DANNER STILL LOVES GWYNETH PALTROW. 543 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,765 OOH! SCORE ONE FOR ME! 544 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,832 WELCOME BACK TO E!'S ADULT VIDEO AWARDS PRESHOW. 545 00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:06,199 IT'S A GOOD CROWD HERE TONIGHT, MOM. 546 00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,765 IT SURE IS, MELISSA. 547 00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:10,398 ALL THE STUDS AND SLUTS ARE ARRIVING. 548 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,732 BRIAN! BRIAN! 549 00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:13,799 UH, HEY. 550 00:19:13,868 --> 00:19:15,732 YOU'RE NOMINATED FOR 3 OF THE 7 FILMS 551 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,132 YOU DIRECTED YESTERDAY. 552 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,632 ADD MOMMA TO THE TRAIN, 553 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,198 THE PURPLE HEAD OF CAIRO, 554 00:19:20,267 --> 00:19:22,999 AND, W-WHAT WAS THE 3RD ONE? 555 00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:25,032 UH, YOU'VE GOT MALE GENITALIA. 556 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,798 YOU KNOW, I WAS ASKED TO STAR IN A PORNO ONCE. 557 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,232 YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T. 558 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,899 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, MOST OF MY BODY 559 00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:32,632 IS LESS THAN 18 YEARS OLD. 560 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,032 [Laughing] 561 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,332 I USED TO GUEST HOST THE TONIGHT SHOW. 562 00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:37,332 OH, YEAH. 563 00:19:37,401 --> 00:19:39,765 WHAT WAS THAT, LIKE, 30 YEARS AGO? 564 00:19:39,834 --> 00:19:41,932 YOUR MIKE ISN'T PLUGGED IN. 565 00:19:42,001 --> 00:19:45,165 YOU'RE--YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU? 566 00:19:45,234 --> 00:19:46,598 IN MY MIND! 567 00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:48,498 [Moaning] 568 00:19:48,566 --> 00:19:50,999 THE NEXT AWARD IS FOR BEST ORIGINAL SCORE 569 00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,265 IN AN ADULT FILM. 570 00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:54,531 AND THE NOMINEES ARE RON JONES, 571 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,498 ♪[Jazzy music playing] 572 00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:00,865 WALTER MURPHY, 573 00:20:00,934 --> 00:20:02,899 ♪[Jazzy music playing] 574 00:20:05,801 --> 00:20:07,132 AND JOHN WILLIAMS. 575 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,965 ♪[Dramatic orchestral music playing] 576 00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,032 [Lois] WELL, YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY 577 00:20:15,101 --> 00:20:16,765 FROM HIDING FROM THE VACUUM CLEANER. 578 00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:17,999 LOIS! 579 00:20:18,067 --> 00:20:20,531 HEY, BUDDY. HEY, HOW ARE YA, ALFRED HITCHCOCK? 580 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,166 HUH? YEAH? YOU LIKE THAT ONE, DICK HERTZ? 581 00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:24,266 HUH? 582 00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:25,832 I'M SORRY. I'M ALREADY DRUNK. 583 00:20:25,901 --> 00:20:27,665 H-HOW DID YOU GUYS KNOW? I-- 584 00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,099 JASPER CALLED. 585 00:20:29,168 --> 00:20:30,965 BRIAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US? 586 00:20:31,034 --> 00:20:32,599 I THOUGHT YOU'D BE ASHAMED OF ME. 587 00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,465 ARE YOU KIDDING? I OUGHT TO KNOCK YOU OUT 588 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,898 FOR NOT BRINGING ME HERE SOONER. 589 00:20:35,967 --> 00:20:37,398 LOOK AT THE PAIR ON THAT ONE, LOIS. 590 00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:38,598 BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD. 591 00:20:38,667 --> 00:20:40,498 SO, YOU GUYS AREN'T OFFENDED BY THIS? 592 00:20:40,567 --> 00:20:43,932 WELL, I CAN'T SAY I APPROVE, BUT WE LOVE YOU. 593 00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:45,898 IF THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, 594 00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:47,365 WE SUPPORT YOU. 595 00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:48,564 MY GOD! 596 00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:50,698 I THOUGHT I NEEDED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU GUYS 597 00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:52,598 TO FIND WHAT WAS MISSING IN MY LIFE, 598 00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:55,765 BUT THE ONLY THING I'M MISSING IS MY FAMILY. 599 00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:57,532 HOW COULD I EVER BECOME INVOLVED 600 00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,465 IN THIS FILTHY, DEGRADING BUSINESS? 601 00:20:59,534 --> 00:21:01,599 [Announcer] AND THE AWARD GOES TO... 602 00:21:01,667 --> 00:21:02,966 BRIAN GRIFFIN! 603 00:21:03,034 --> 00:21:04,032 WHOO! 604 00:21:04,834 --> 00:21:06,632 [Audience applauding] 605 00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:11,165 WHOO! 606 00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:13,398 OH, WOW! MY GOD! 607 00:21:13,467 --> 00:21:16,432 [Laughs] THIS--THIS IS UNEXPECTED. 608 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:18,399 I WANT TO THANK MY INCREDIBLE PRODUCTION TEAM, 609 00:21:18,468 --> 00:21:19,599 WHO'VE BEEN WITH ME 610 00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:21,465 FROM SHAVING PRIVATE RYAN ALL THE WAY TO 611 00:21:21,534 --> 00:21:23,565 WELCOME TO MY FACE. 612 00:21:23,634 --> 00:21:25,999 HE LIVES WITH US BACK IN QUAHOG. 613 00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:28,066 YOU GOT A NICE WIGGLE, BABY. 614 00:21:28,134 --> 00:21:29,698 YOU WANT TO BE IN A MOVIE? 615 00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:31,433 A LITTLE GIRL-GIRL ACTION, MAYBE? 616 00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,032 OH, PETER! 617 00:21:33,101 --> 00:21:34,366 GOOD LUCK, BUDDY. 618 00:21:34,435 --> 00:21:36,832 I'VE BEEN BARKING UP THAT TREE FOR 17 YEARS. 619 00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:41,132 WOW, THAT WAS A WONDERFUL TRIP! 620 00:21:41,201 --> 00:21:43,598 AND EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO REMEMBER IT BY. 621 00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:50,099 YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT AT OUR HOUSE, JENNA JAMESON. 622 00:21:50,167 --> 00:21:51,765 [Muffled voice] 623 00:21:56,467 --> 00:21:58,498 ♪[Theme music playing]