1
00:00:01,567 --> 00:00:04,932
♪ IT SEEMS TODAY
THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,331
♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
AND SEX ON T.V. ♪
3
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,698
♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD,
OLD- FASHIONED VALUES ♪
4
00:00:11,768 --> 00:00:14,099
♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪
5
00:00:15,101 --> 00:00:18,231
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
6
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:21,632
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO'LL
POSITIVELY TELL YOU ♪
7
00:00:21,701 --> 00:00:23,331
♪ ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE US ♪
8
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,965
♪ LAUGH 'N' CRY ♪
9
00:00:25,034 --> 00:00:29,832
♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
10
00:00:38,368 --> 00:00:41,899
THAT'S FUNNY. I
DON'T REMEMBER BUYING
STEWIE THESE TOYS.
11
00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:46,264
[Gasps]
12
00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:49,265
OH, MY GOD! IT
ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
13
00:00:49,333 --> 00:00:52,098
MY BABY IS SOME KIND
OF DIABOLICAL GENIUS
14
00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:53,932
BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION!
15
00:00:54,567 --> 00:00:55,565
[Clapping]
16
00:00:56,901 --> 00:00:58,299
BRAVO, LOIS.
17
00:00:58,367 --> 00:01:00,631
THE LAST HORSE
FINALLY CROSSES
THE FINISH LINE.
18
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:01,632
STEWIE!
19
00:01:01,701 --> 00:01:02,898
ALL THESE MONTHS
I SHOULD'VE
20
00:01:02,967 --> 00:01:05,032
BEEN PAYING ATTENTION
TO WHAT YOU'VE
BEEN SAYIN'.
21
00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:07,465
YOU'RE AN
EVIL CHILD. WHY?
22
00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:09,199
WHY DID I HAVE
TO GO AND SMOKE POT
23
00:01:09,267 --> 00:01:10,632
WHEN I WAS
PREGNANT WITH YOU?
24
00:01:10,701 --> 00:01:12,565
CHEER UP, MOTHER.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.
25
00:01:12,634 --> 00:01:15,465
YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH
TO THE FUTURE EMPEROR
OF THE WORLD.
26
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,465
PITY YOU WON'T BE
AROUND TO ENJOY IT.
27
00:01:17,534 --> 00:01:18,399
CHEERIO!
28
00:01:18,468 --> 00:01:19,498
[Buzzing]
29
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,299
[Screaming]
30
00:01:21,368 --> 00:01:22,598
[Peter]
LOIS. LOIS!
31
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:23,665
UH? MMM?
32
00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:24,966
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
33
00:01:25,034 --> 00:01:26,932
OH. I JUST HAD THE
STRANGEST DREAM.
34
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,032
SOMETHING ABOUT
STEWIE AND
CHEERIOS.
35
00:01:30,101 --> 00:01:31,565
HA. IT'S GONE.
36
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:34,365
WELL, COME ON, GET
UP. IT'S OPENING
DAY FOR THE SOX.
37
00:01:34,434 --> 00:01:36,732
HEY, CHRIS, MEG,
WE'RE GOING TO
FENWAY!
38
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:39,731
PETER, YOU CAN'T JUST PULL
THE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL
FOR A BASEBALL GAME.
39
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,231
THERE'S NOTHING THESE KIDS
LEARN IN SCHOOL THEY CAN'T
LEARN ON THE STREET.
40
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:45,466
IT'S 3:00.
WHERE THE
HELL IS LOUIE?
41
00:01:45,534 --> 00:01:46,765
WELL, YOU TELL ME.
42
00:01:46,834 --> 00:01:49,065
LOUIE LEFT HIS
HOUSE AT 2:15 AND
HAS TO TRAVEL
43
00:01:49,134 --> 00:01:52,198
A DISTANCE OF 6.2
MILES AT A RATE OF
5 MILES PER HOUR.
44
00:01:52,267 --> 00:01:54,365
WHAT TIME WILL
LOUIE ARRIVE?
45
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:56,032
DEPENDS IF
HE STOPS TO
SEE HIS HO.
46
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,098
THAT'S WHAT WE
CALL A VARIABLE!
47
00:01:58,166 --> 00:01:59,932
LOOK WHAT I
MADE FOR
THE GAME.
48
00:02:00,001 --> 00:02:01,765
WHAT'S
THAT MEAN,
ANYWAY?
49
00:02:01,834 --> 00:02:04,598
"AND THE LORD SAID,
'GO, SOX.'"
50
00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:06,332
DAD, DON'T
YOU HAVE TO
WORK TODAY?
51
00:02:06,401 --> 00:02:09,365
IT'S NOTHING A
LITTLE PHONE CALL
CAN'T TAKE CARE OF.
52
00:02:09,434 --> 00:02:10,432
[Dialing tones]
53
00:02:11,167 --> 00:02:12,331
HELLO?
54
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,431
MR. WEED? I
CAN'T COME TO
WORK TODAY.
55
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:16,699
I WAS IN A
TERRIBLE
PLANE CRASH.
56
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:19,966
MY ENTIRE FAMILY
WAS KILLED, AND
I AM A VEGETABLE.
57
00:02:20,034 --> 00:02:21,431
I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW.
58
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:22,465
HUH? HUH?
59
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:23,665
OH, PLEASE!
PETER,
60
00:02:23,734 --> 00:02:25,765
YOUR EXCUSES
ARE LAMER THAN
F.D.R.'s LEGS.
61
00:02:25,834 --> 00:02:27,333
[Griffins gasp]
62
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:28,398
TOO SOON?
63
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,231
[Crowd cheering]
64
00:02:33,034 --> 00:02:34,432
HERE IT COMES,
JEREMY!
65
00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:35,832
I GOT IT!
I GOT IT!
66
00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:38,731
YES! YEAH! WOO!
67
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,866
ALL RIGHT! I'M
THE MAN! YEAH!
68
00:02:41,934 --> 00:02:42,998
HOLD ONTO THIS,
STEWIE.
69
00:02:43,067 --> 00:02:44,632
IT'LL BE A
SOUVENIR OF
YOUR FIRST
70
00:02:44,701 --> 00:02:46,565
MAJOR-LEAGUE
GAME WITH YOUR DAD.
71
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,398
MY GOD. I-I SHALL
CHERISH THIS FOREVER.
72
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:52,498
I SAY, OPIE, I'LL
TRADE YOU THIS BASEBALL
FOR YOUR SOUVENIR BAT.
73
00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:53,966
SURE!
74
00:02:54,034 --> 00:02:55,365
WHAT DID
YOU LEARN?
75
00:02:55,434 --> 00:02:56,532
THIS IS
GREAT.
76
00:02:56,601 --> 00:02:57,765
WE HAVEN'T
DONE ANYTHING
TOGETHER LIKE THIS
77
00:02:57,834 --> 00:02:59,498
SINCE WE SAW
MIKE TYSON
GET BEAT.
78
00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:00,599
ALL RIGHT, MIKE,
79
00:03:00,667 --> 00:03:03,765
THE WORD, AGAIN,
IS "ONOMATOPOEIA."
80
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:04,932
UH,
81
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:06,032
C--
82
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,632
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S INCORRECT.
83
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:08,832
OH, DANG!
84
00:03:08,901 --> 00:03:10,232
[Kissing
sound]
85
00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:12,531
I'M SO GLAD YOU
TALKED US ALL INTO
PLAYING HOOKY.
86
00:03:12,601 --> 00:03:14,565
ME, TOO. HEY, MAYBE
WE CAN GET ON T.V.
87
00:03:14,633 --> 00:03:16,564
IF WE TAKE OUR
SHIRTS OFF AND
RUN ONTO THE FIELD.
88
00:03:16,633 --> 00:03:18,398
PETER, I'M NOT
TAKING MY
SHIRT OFF.
89
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,165
THERE. NOW THEY'RE
OLD NEWS.
90
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,365
PETER!
91
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:23,165
[Peter]
GO, SOX!
GO-- AHHH!
92
00:03:23,234 --> 00:03:24,531
[Screaming]
93
00:03:27,233 --> 00:03:28,232
[Man]
OW!
94
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:29,831
HMM.
95
00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:30,899
[Snorts]
96
00:03:34,867 --> 00:03:35,965
[Spanish accent]
PETER?
97
00:03:36,034 --> 00:03:38,598
OH! OH, UH, AH,
H-HI, MR. WEED!
98
00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:41,365
WELL, IT SEEMS
YOU'VE MADE A
FULL RECOVERY.
99
00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:44,532
OH, YEAH. YEAH. W--
UH-- THAT--THAT PLANE
CRASH I TOLD YOU ABOUT,
100
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:45,898
IT TURNED OUT
TO BE GAS.
101
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:49,966
AHA! LIAR!
TOMORROW, MY
OFFICE, 9:30.
102
00:03:50,034 --> 00:03:53,266
I'M TIRED OF MR. WEED
TREATING ME LIKE
A COMMON DOORMAT.
103
00:03:53,335 --> 00:03:55,498
I--I WANT HIM TO
TREAT ME LIKE ON OF
THOSE DELUXE ONES
104
00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:57,665
FROM POTTERY BARN
WITH THE FANCY STRAW.
105
00:03:57,733 --> 00:03:59,832
HMM. I DON'T CARE
FOR POTTERY BARN.
106
00:03:59,901 --> 00:04:01,598
PETER, IF YOU
WANT MR. WEED
TO RESPECT YOU,
107
00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:02,765
YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO EARN IT.
108
00:04:02,834 --> 00:04:04,732
HMM. "EARN IT."
109
00:04:05,433 --> 00:04:06,698
[Snorts]
110
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,798
[Sobbing]
WHY HAVE YOU
FORSAKEN ME?
111
00:04:11,867 --> 00:04:13,365
UH, MIS--MIS--
MR. WEED?
112
00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,799
UM, I HEARD YOU RAN
INTO MY IDENTICAL
TWIN BROTHER
113
00:04:15,868 --> 00:04:17,531
AT THE
BALL GAME
YESTERDAY.
114
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,532
AND IF YOU DON'T BUY
THAT, I'M SORRY I WAS AT
THE BALL GAME YESTERDAY.
115
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,932
PETER, I
JUST RECEIVED
TERRIBLE NEWS.
116
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,398
THIS COMPANY HAS
BEEN TAKEN OVER
BY A CONGLOMERATE.
117
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,699
AFTER 23 YEARS
OF FAITHFUL
SERVICE,
118
00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:30,264
I'VE BEEN
TERMINATED!
119
00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:33,465
WOW. THE BUSINESS
WORLD SURE IS FUNNY.
120
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:36,465
HEY DILBERT, WHAT DO
YOU CALL IT WHEN A GUY
IN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
121
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:38,898
MOVES ALL THE WAY
TO UPPER MANAGEMENT?
122
00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:40,498
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
123
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:41,798
A PROMOTION.
124
00:04:41,867 --> 00:04:44,332
OH, THANKS.
HERE'S A MEMO.
125
00:04:50,034 --> 00:04:51,866
WELL, SOMETIMES THE
BUSINESS WORLD'S FUNNY.
126
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:59,298
AND SO, ON BEHALF
OF THE EL DORADO
CIGARETTE COMPANY,
127
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:02,431
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME
YOU TO OUR FAMILY.
128
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,298
I THINK YOU'LL BE
VERY HAPPY WITH THE
CHANGES WE'VE MADE.
129
00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:08,532
AH, THIS IS SWEET!
130
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:11,132
HEY, WHY ARE YOU
PUTTING A WINDOW IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE FACTORY?
131
00:05:11,201 --> 00:05:13,331
SO AUNT BEA HAS
A PLACE TO LET
HER PIES COOL.
132
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,032
HELLO, BOYS.
TODAY'S PIE
IS CHERRY.
133
00:05:16,101 --> 00:05:18,066
IT'LL BE READY
JUST IN TIME
FOR LUNCH.
134
00:05:18,135 --> 00:05:20,298
WOW, THESE GUYS
SURE KNOW HOW
TO RUN A COMPANY.
135
00:05:21,268 --> 00:05:24,099
LOOK HOW HAPPY
THOSE MORONS ARE.
136
00:05:24,168 --> 00:05:26,333
THEY'LL NEVER
REALIZE WE'RE
USING THOSE TOYS
137
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,333
TO GET CHILDREN
ADDICTED TO OUR
COMPANY'S CIGARETTES.
138
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:31,632
[All laughing]
139
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,365
[Whistles]
140
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,899
GOOD BOY,
CONNOR.
141
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,165
PULL.
142
00:05:38,234 --> 00:05:39,298
[Dog whimpers]
143
00:05:39,366 --> 00:05:40,732
[All laughing]
144
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:50,965
CAN'T WE EAT?
I'M SO HUNGRY I
COULD RIDE A HORSE.
145
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:53,798
I DON'T GET IT.
146
00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:56,232
WELL, I COULD RIDE IT
TO THE STORE, I GUESS.
147
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:58,832
I TOLD YOU WE'RE NOT
STARTING WITHOUT
YOUR FATHER.
148
00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,765
DINNER JUST
ISN'T DINNER
WITHOUT HIM.
149
00:06:00,834 --> 00:06:03,798
OH, WELL, PERHAPS I
COULD HELP SIMULATE
THE EXPERIENCE.
150
00:06:03,867 --> 00:06:05,265
NUM, NUM, YUM,
YUM, YUM!
151
00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:06,565
[Talking
gibberish]
152
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,966
[Farting noises]
153
00:06:09,034 --> 00:06:11,799
HEY, FAMILY.
ANYONE IN THE
MOOD FOR LOBSTER?
154
00:06:11,867 --> 00:06:14,365
OW, OW, OW! OH,
GOD! ONE OF THEM
HAS MY PUPIL!
155
00:06:14,434 --> 00:06:15,765
[Screaming]
156
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,231
AH.
157
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:21,732
PETER, HOW THE HELL
CAN YOU AFFORD LOBSTER
ON YOUR SALARY?
158
00:06:21,801 --> 00:06:23,032
I GOT A RAISE.
159
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,298
WHAT?
160
00:06:24,366 --> 00:06:26,364
YEAH. THE NEW
OWNERS GAVE
EVERYONE RAISES.
161
00:06:26,433 --> 00:06:30,399
EVEN KENNETH, THE
BAD-ASS MAIL CLERK
WITH THE HEART OF GOLD.
162
00:06:30,468 --> 00:06:31,932
HI, KENNETH.
HEY, DID I
GET ANY MAIL?
163
00:06:32,001 --> 00:06:34,298
NO! BUT IF YOU
COME ANY CLOSER,
I'LL SLICE YOU!
164
00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:35,565
OKAY! OKAY!
165
00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:37,132
MAN, WHAT
A BAD-ASS!
166
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,465
YEAH? WELL, THAT
BAD-ASS JUST GAVE HALF
HIS PAYCHECK TO ORPHANS.
167
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,398
ORPHANS
WITH DISEASES!
168
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:50,599
AND CHECK OUT
THE NEW TOYS
WE'RE MAKING.
169
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,199
[Meg]
"BABY SMOKES-A-LOT"?
170
00:06:52,268 --> 00:06:53,698
[Mechanical
noise]
171
00:06:53,767 --> 00:06:54,798
[Laughs]
172
00:06:54,868 --> 00:06:56,365
TASTES LIKE
HAPPY.
173
00:06:56,434 --> 00:06:58,732
COOL! THAT'S IMITATABLE!
174
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,066
WHAT THE HELL?
175
00:07:00,135 --> 00:07:02,799
EL DORADO CIGARETTES?
THAT'S WHO
BOUGHT YOUR COMPANY?
176
00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:05,699
OH, MY GOD! THEY'RE
TRYING TO CORRUPT
OUR CHILDREN!
177
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:08,465
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT? THOSE BASTARDS
TURNED A WHOLE GENERATION
178
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:11,832
OF AMERICANS INTO
SMOKERS WITH THEIR DAMN
SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING.
179
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,198
TIMMY, WHERE'S
LASSIE?
180
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,999
SHE'S OUT IN
THE ORCHARD, MA.
181
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:17,532
PEACHES ARE COMING IN
MIGHTY EARLY THIS YEAR.
182
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,632
SMOKE!
183
00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:20,032
YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY SAY, TIMMY.
184
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:22,132
"EARLY PEACHES,
LONG SUMMER."
185
00:07:22,201 --> 00:07:23,364
SMOKE!
186
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:24,532
[Barks]
187
00:07:24,601 --> 00:07:26,098
WHAT'S THAT,
LASSIE?
188
00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:27,766
ARE YOU SMOKING YET?
189
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:30,965
PETER, IF KIDS SEE THIS
DOLL, THEY'RE GONNA
THINK SMOKING'S OK.
190
00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:32,865
YOU HAVE TO TALK
TO THESE NEW
BOSSES OF YOURS
191
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,165
FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.
192
00:07:34,233 --> 00:07:36,532
DON'T YOU WORRY, LOIS.
I'LL SET 'EM STRAIGHT.
193
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,832
JUST LIKE I DID WITH CHRIS.
194
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:39,631
DAD,
195
00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:41,132
WHAT'S THE
BLOWHOLE FOR?
196
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,431
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
IT'S NOT FOR, SON.
197
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,532
AND WHEN I DO,
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY
198
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,565
I CAN NEVER GO
BACK TO SEAWORLD.
199
00:07:50,967 --> 00:07:52,399
GENTLEMEN, WE
NEED TO TALK.
200
00:07:52,468 --> 00:07:54,699
MY WIFE SAYS
YOU'RE TRYING TO
GET KIDS TO SMOKE.
201
00:07:54,768 --> 00:07:56,233
[Laughing]
THAT'S JUST
NOT TRUE.
202
00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:57,732
[Stuttering]
WHAT ABOUT
THIS TOY?
203
00:07:57,801 --> 00:07:59,966
PETER, IT'S JUST
A DOLL WITH
A CIGARETTE.
204
00:08:00,034 --> 00:08:03,831
I MEAN, BARBIE HAS A
DREAM CAR, BUT YOU DON'T SEE
EVERY 8-YEAR-OLD KID DRIVING.
205
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,098
THEY'RE JUST
FUN TOYS.
206
00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:06,298
SMOKE!
207
00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:08,199
NOT NOW, JERRY.
TRUST ME, PETER.
208
00:08:08,268 --> 00:08:11,564
THE LAST THING WE
WANT IS TO GET KIDS
TO START SMOKING.
209
00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:14,132
[Stuttering]
WHAT ABOUT THAT GRAPH
ON THE WALL THAT SAYS,
210
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,999
"THE FIRST THING WE
WANT IS TO GET KIDS
TO START SMOKING"?
211
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,465
THAT? OH! THAT'S
JUST SOMETHING
212
00:08:18,534 --> 00:08:20,165
MY SON MADE ME
IN ART CLASS.
213
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,899
[Stuttering]
AH. THEN WHAT ABOUT
THAT POSTER THAT SAYS,
214
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:25,032
"THE GRAPH WAS NOT
MADE IN ART CLASS.
215
00:08:25,101 --> 00:08:27,099
"WE REALLY DO WANT
KIDS TO START SMOKING"?
216
00:08:27,168 --> 00:08:28,932
LOOK, WE'RE A
CARING COMPANY.
217
00:08:29,001 --> 00:08:30,132
I MEAN, UH,
218
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,132
WOULD YOU REALLY
BE THE PRESIDENT
OF A COMPANY
219
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,198
THAT DIDN'T
CARE ABOUT KIDS?
220
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:36,465
NO. BUT I'M NOT
THE PRESIDENT.
221
00:08:36,534 --> 00:08:39,165
YES, YOU ARE,
IF YOU WANNA BE.
222
00:08:39,233 --> 00:08:40,832
[All]
AH.
223
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:43,665
OH, WOW. IMAGINE,
ME, PRESIDENT.
224
00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:52,465
I'LL DO IT!
225
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:55,065
♪[Peter humming
Hail to the Chief]
226
00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:57,231
SO HOW
DID IT GO?
227
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:58,531
I--I--I'M NOT
FINISHED YET.
228
00:08:58,601 --> 00:09:00,398
♪[Peter humming
Hail to the Chief]
229
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,432
AREN'T YOU GONNA
ASK ME HOW IT WENT?
230
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,832
YES! DID YOU
TALK TO THE
COMPANY EXECUTIVES?
231
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:08,899
♪[Humming
Hail to the Chief]
232
00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:10,132
PETER, ANSWER ME!
233
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,199
YEAH, I DID! AND
THEY MADE ME PRESIDENT.
234
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:13,532
OF THE WHOLE COMPANY?
235
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:14,899
ALL RIGHT, DAD!
236
00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:16,965
YOU SHOULDA SEEN
THE WAY THEY WERE
TREATIN' ME.
237
00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:18,999
I'VE NEVER GOTTEN
THAT KIND OF
RESPECT BEFORE.
238
00:09:20,201 --> 00:09:21,632
GREAT WORKOUT,
BOBBY.
239
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,099
UP YOURS,
SACK BREATH!
240
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:24,966
THAT'S
"MR. GRIFFIN."
241
00:09:25,034 --> 00:09:27,532
BUT, PETER, WHY
WOULD THEY MAKE
YOU PRESIDENT?
242
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,565
WELL, MAYBE IT'S
BECAUSE I CAN RECITE
243
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,531
ALL 50 STATES IN A
QUARTER OF A SECOND.
244
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,698
[Barks]
245
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:34,932
PETER, THAT WAS JUST
A LOUD YELPING NOISE.
246
00:09:35,001 --> 00:09:37,299
JEEZ, LOIS, I TH--
I THOUGHT YOU'D
BE PROUD OF ME.
247
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:40,631
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
THE COMPANY FINALLY THINKS
I'M WORTH SOMETHIN'.
248
00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,898
AW, JUST WAIT TILL YOU
SEE ALL THE PERKS
WE'RE GONNA GET.
249
00:09:45,967 --> 00:09:47,765
UM, HI.
250
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:49,232
CAN I
HELP YOU?
251
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,565
YEAH, SOME COMPANY
HIRED ME TO STAND
NEXT TO YOU ALL DAY,
252
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,232
SO YOU'D LOOK
BETTER BY COMPARISON.
253
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,564
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I DON'T NEED--
254
00:09:54,633 --> 00:09:55,965
HEY, MEG,
DID YOU GET
LESS UGLY?
255
00:09:56,034 --> 00:09:57,066
YEAH!
256
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,065
SURPRISE!
257
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,132
[Lois]
UH, EVERYTHING
LOOKS THE SAME.
258
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,264
OH, IT LOOKS THE
SAME, BUT ACTUALLY,
EL DORADO CIGARETTES
259
00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,398
HAS COATED THE
ENTIRE INSIDE OF
THE HOUSE WITH
260
00:10:08,466 --> 00:10:10,531
A MICROFILM OF
TEFLON, SO IT'S
EASY TO CLEAN.
261
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,698
OH.
262
00:10:12,634 --> 00:10:13,798
HA.
263
00:10:13,867 --> 00:10:15,365
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T
A HAD THEM
DO THE FLOORS.
264
00:10:15,434 --> 00:10:16,698
[Stewie]
I'M "NUDES ON ICE"!
265
00:10:18,633 --> 00:10:20,598
OH, THIS IS
SO EXCITING.
266
00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:22,899
YOUR FATHER'S
FIRST DAY
AS PRESIDENT.
267
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,998
GOOD MORNING,
FIRST FAMILY.
268
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:26,098
[Slurps]
269
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,065
OOH, LOIS, WHAT'S
IN THIS COFFEE?
270
00:10:28,134 --> 00:10:29,232
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
271
00:10:29,301 --> 00:10:30,966
THE COMPANY
SENT MARTHA STEWART
272
00:10:31,034 --> 00:10:32,665
TO HELP ME WITH
THE HOUSEWORK.
273
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,199
I TAKE BACK ALL
THE BAD THINGS
I SAID ABOUT THEM.
274
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,565
THE COFFEE IS
DELICIOUS, MARTHA.
275
00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:41,332
A LITTLE CHICORY
PERKS UP THE TASTE OF
ROASTED COFFEE BEANS.
276
00:10:41,401 --> 00:10:42,699
IT'S A GOOD THING.
277
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,599
WELL, I THINK IT'S
A CRAPPY THING!
278
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:47,498
IN FACT, THIS IS MY
LAST CIGARETTE, EVER.
279
00:10:49,801 --> 00:10:51,332
YOU MAKE ME SICK,
LETTING YOURSELVES
280
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,465
BE BOUGHT OFF WITH
A FEW LOUSY PERKS.
281
00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:55,298
OH, I BEG
TO DIFFER.
282
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:01,166
OH, YOU DON'T
NEED TO PARK
HERE, MR. GRIFFIN.
283
00:11:01,234 --> 00:11:03,198
YOU HAVE AN
EXECUTIVE PARKING
SPACE NOW.
284
00:11:04,435 --> 00:11:06,498
BUT THAT LOOKS
EXACTLY LIKE
MY OLD SPACE.
285
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:09,232
YEAH, BUT THIS ONE
COMES WITH YOUR OWN
COMPANY SUCK-UP.
286
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:10,565
MORNING,
MR. GRIFFIN.
NICE DAY.
287
00:11:10,633 --> 00:11:12,264
AH, IT'S A
LITTLE CLOUDY.
288
00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:14,932
IT'S ABSOLUTELY CLOUDY.
ONE OF THE WORST DAYS
I'VE SEEN IN YEARS.
289
00:11:15,001 --> 00:11:16,465
SO, GOOD NEWS
ABOUT THE
YANKEES.
290
00:11:16,533 --> 00:11:17,999
I HATE
THE YANKEES.
291
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:20,098
PACK OF CHEATERS,
THAT'S WHAT THEY
ARE. I LOVE YOUR TIE.
292
00:11:20,166 --> 00:11:21,264
I HATE THIS TIE.
293
00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:22,932
IT'S AWFUL,
IT'S GAUDY,
IT'S GOTTA GO.
294
00:11:23,634 --> 00:11:25,098
AND I HATE MYSELF.
295
00:11:25,166 --> 00:11:27,732
I HATE YOU, TOO. YOU
MAKE ME SICK, YOU
FAT SACK OF CRAP.
296
00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:28,832
BUT I'M THE PRESIDENT.
297
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:29,899
THE BEST
THERE IS.
298
00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:31,398
BUT YOU JUST
SAID YOU HATED ME.
299
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:33,732
BUT NOT YOU,
THE PRESIDENT,
300
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:35,865
THE YOU WHO
SAID YOU HATED
301
00:11:35,934 --> 00:11:38,899
YOU--YOU-- WHO
LOVE, HATE,
YANKEES, CLOUDS...
302
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:40,832
[Whirring]
303
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,965
I'LL HAVE THAT
FIXED FOR YOU
TOMORROW, SIR.
304
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:47,299
HERE'S YOUR NEW
DIGS. NOW, GET
TO WORK, SPORT.
305
00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:48,698
WE'RE COUNTING
ON YOU.
306
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,965
WOW. MY OWN OFFICE.
307
00:11:55,034 --> 00:11:56,899
WELL, I GUESS I
BETTER GET BUSY.
308
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:02,865
[Buzzing]
309
00:12:04,268 --> 00:12:05,366
[Buzzing]
310
00:12:06,201 --> 00:12:07,299
[Buzzing]
311
00:12:07,867 --> 00:12:08,999
[Sighs]
312
00:12:11,134 --> 00:12:12,066
[Buzzing]
313
00:12:12,134 --> 00:12:13,132
AHH!
314
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,166
[Zipping sound]
315
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:23,231
[Screaming]
316
00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:28,266
GENTLEMEN, WE
HAVE A PROBLEM.
317
00:12:28,334 --> 00:12:30,431
THERE'S AN
ANTI-SMOKING BILL
BEFORE CONGRESS
318
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,132
THAT COULD
PUT US OUT
OF BUSINESS.
319
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,565
YES. APPARENTLY
CAUSING CANCER IS THIS
YEAR'S "HOT BUTTON."
320
00:12:35,634 --> 00:12:37,065
I DON'T
UNDERSTAND IT.
321
00:12:37,134 --> 00:12:39,098
WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING
TO GET THROUGH TO
THESE POLITICIANS.
322
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:42,332
HARVARD LAWYERS, LOBBYISTS,
WISECRACKING LEPRECHAUNS.
323
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,498
[Irish accent]
EXCUSE ME. DO YOU HAVE A
DOLLAR? I'M A LITTLE SHORT.
324
00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:46,998
[Laughs]
325
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,932
MAYBE THAT'S THE
PROBLEM. THEY'RE ALL
IDIOTS IN WASHINGTON.
326
00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:51,331
INSTEAD OF
A SMART GUY,
327
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,365
WE SHOULD SEND
A MORON THEY
CAN RELATE TO.
328
00:12:53,434 --> 00:12:55,166
[All]
YEAH. YEAH.
GOOD THOUGHT.
329
00:12:55,235 --> 00:12:58,165
BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING TO
FIND SOMEONE WITHIN THE
COMPANY WHO'S THAT STUPID?
330
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:00,432
YEAH. AND NOT
JUST STUPID.
FAT, TOO.
331
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:02,699
[All]
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT WE NEED.
332
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:05,765
HEY, WAIT A SECOND. DIDN'T
WE JUST MAKE A FAT,
STUPID GUY PRESIDENT?
333
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:07,265
YOU BET WE DID.
334
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:10,166
GENTLEMEN, OUR NEW
TOBACCO LOBBYIST IS...
335
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,365
THAT GUY!
336
00:13:12,434 --> 00:13:13,732
♪[Tune to That
Girl playing]
337
00:13:13,801 --> 00:13:16,032
♪ DIAMONDS, DAISIES ♪
338
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,565
♪ SNOWFLAKES, THAT GUY ♪
339
00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:19,932
♪ CHESTNUTS ♪
340
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,998
♪ RAINBOWS, SPRINGTIME ♪
341
00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:24,799
♪ IS THAT GUY ♪
342
00:13:24,868 --> 00:13:28,831
♪ HE'S TINSEL ON A TREE ♪
343
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:30,132
♪ HE'S EVERYTHING ♪
344
00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:33,099
♪ THAT EVERY GUY SHOULD BE ♪
345
00:13:34,234 --> 00:13:36,732
♪ SABLE, POPCORN ♪
346
00:13:36,801 --> 00:13:39,032
♪ WHITE WINE, THAT GUY ♪
347
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:40,932
♪ GINGHAM, BLUEBIRDS ♪
348
00:13:41,001 --> 00:13:41,999
[Horns honking]
349
00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:43,698
♪ BROADWAY ♪
350
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,632
♪ IS THAT GUY ♪
351
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:46,932
♪ HE'S MINE ALONE ♪
352
00:13:47,001 --> 00:13:49,365
♪ BUT LUCKILY FOR YOU ♪
353
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,798
♪ IF YOU FIND
A GUY TO LOVE ♪
354
00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:53,999
OH!
355
00:13:54,068 --> 00:13:55,898
♪ ONLY ONE GUY TO LOVE ♪
356
00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:59,398
♪ THEN HE'LL BE
THAT GUY, TOO ♪
357
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,465
♪ THAT GUY! ♪
358
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:09,098
SO, UH, WHAT'S THIS BIG
ASSIGNMENT YOU GOT FOR ME,
CHAIRMAN OF THE BROAD?
359
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:10,565
[Laughs]
360
00:14:10,633 --> 00:14:12,098
"CHAIRMAN OF
THE BROAD."
361
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:13,665
WHEN DID YOU
BECOME SUCH
A STITCH?
362
00:14:13,733 --> 00:14:16,332
DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
YOU GAVE ME WRITERS.
363
00:14:16,401 --> 00:14:18,398
"SIR, I DON'T WANT
TO SAY YOU'RE RICH,
364
00:14:18,467 --> 00:14:19,865
"BUT WHEN YOU
WALK INTO A BANK,
365
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:23,599
"ALL THE TELLERS
GO, 'WHOOPEE!'"
366
00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:26,399
THAT WASN'T FUNNY.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS
SAID YOU WERE JEWISH.
367
00:14:26,468 --> 00:14:27,532
WELL,
HE'S ONLY
HALF-JEWISH.
368
00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:28,632
YOU'RE FIRED.
369
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:31,099
HERE'S THE
THING, GRIFFIN.
370
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:32,898
SOME TROUBLEMAKERS
IN CONGRESS
371
00:14:32,967 --> 00:14:34,298
ARE TRYING TO
SHUT US DOWN.
372
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:36,498
WE NEED SOMEONE
IMPORTANT, LIKE YOU,
373
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:37,732
TO GO DOWN
TO WASHINGTON
374
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:38,998
AND HELP
THOSE BASTARDS SEE
375
00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:40,765
WHAT KIND OF
FUN-LOVING PEOPLE
376
00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,932
THE TOBACCO
INDUSTRY'S REALLY
MADE OF.
377
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,432
WASHINGTON?
378
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:46,032
AW, SWEET.
HEY, I'M YOUR MAN.
379
00:14:46,101 --> 00:14:49,132
BUT I GOTTA WARN YOU.
I MADE SOME ENEMIES
ON THE HILL.
380
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,066
AND THAT'S WHEN
CLARENCE THOMAS
381
00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:52,966
FORCED ME INTO
HIS CHAMBERS
382
00:14:53,034 --> 00:14:54,865
AND SHOWED ME LEWD PICTURES.
383
00:14:54,934 --> 00:14:56,099
[Sobs]
384
00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:58,132
MR. GRIFFIN, WE HAVE
INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE
385
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,732
THAT NOT ONLY HAVE
YOU NEVER BEEN IN
386
00:14:59,801 --> 00:15:01,599
THE SAME ROOM AS
CLARENCE THOMAS,
387
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,599
YOU--YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
IN THE SAME STATE.
388
00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:06,132
HOW DO YOU
RESPOND TO THAT?
389
00:15:06,201 --> 00:15:08,999
BABA-BOOIE! BABA-BOOIE!
HOWARD STERN'S PENIS!
BABA-BOOIE! BABA-BOOIE!
390
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:09,999
BABA-BOOIE!
391
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,065
HOW LONG IS
DAD GONNA BE
IN WASHINGTON?
392
00:15:14,134 --> 00:15:15,499
AS LONG
AS IT TAKES.
393
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:17,732
HE'S A VERY
IMPORTANT MAN NOW.
394
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,332
YOU KNOW, HE'S
THE SPOKESMAN FOR
HIS ENTIRE INDUSTRY.
395
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,765
THANK YOU, MARTHA.
396
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:35,632
BRIAN, COULD
YOU PASS ME
THE TV GUIDE?
397
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,165
PISS OFF!
WHAT?
398
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:38,599
I--I'M SORRY.
399
00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:41,266
IT--IT JUST FEELS
LIKE FOREVER SINCE
I'VE HAD A SMOKE.
400
00:15:41,334 --> 00:15:43,998
I'M--I'M JUST A
BIT TESTY. STOP
STARING AT MY TAIL!
401
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,032
H-HELLO. HELLO,
MR. HARRISON?
402
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:50,332
YEAH, I SEE THOSE
GOVERNMENT GUYS YOU
WERE TELLING ME ABOUT.
403
00:15:50,401 --> 00:15:53,065
I'LL SHOW 'EM A GOOD TIME
AND GET 'EM TO COME
AROUND TO OUR SIDE.
404
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:56,431
UH, E-EXCUSE ME.
405
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,565
UH, AL--AL
GORE, GEORGE
W. BUSH?
406
00:15:58,633 --> 00:15:59,798
YES?
YES?
407
00:15:59,867 --> 00:16:02,232
AH, GREAT. A-A-AND--AND
WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND'S NAME?
408
00:16:02,301 --> 00:16:03,398
DICK
ARMEY.
409
00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:04,431
PTHHT!
410
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:05,832
[Laughing]
411
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:11,832
AW, GO--
412
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:13,999
NO. NO. NO SERIOUSLY.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
413
00:16:14,068 --> 00:16:14,999
DICK
ARMEY.
414
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,065
PTHHT!
415
00:16:16,134 --> 00:16:17,865
[Laughing]
416
00:16:23,601 --> 00:16:25,065
[Laughs]
OH.
417
00:16:25,134 --> 00:16:26,498
OH, I JUST
GOT IT.
418
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,832
HEY! HEY, ARMEY.
HEY--HEY, WHAT'S
YOUR WIFE'S NAME?
419
00:16:28,901 --> 00:16:30,565
"VAGINA
COAST
GUARD"?
420
00:16:30,633 --> 00:16:32,432
[Laughs]
421
00:16:32,501 --> 00:16:35,765
NAH, I'M KIDDING, YOU GUYS.
HEY--HEY, GET IN THE CAR.
WE'RE GOING TO A SKIN BAR.
422
00:16:35,834 --> 00:16:36,832
YEAH, OKAY.
OH, GREAT.
423
00:16:36,901 --> 00:16:37,932
[Gore]
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
424
00:16:38,001 --> 00:16:38,999
[All laughing]
425
00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,866
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
426
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:45,698
OH, MY GOD!
I--I--I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED!
427
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:47,832
[Stuttering]
IT'S OKAY. IT'S
OKAY, SENATOR.
428
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,532
THIS GIRL
DIDN'T HAVE
A FAMILY.
429
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,199
IT'LL BE LIKE
SHE NEVER EXISTED.
430
00:16:51,267 --> 00:16:52,732
NOW GRAB AHOLD
OF YOURSELF.
431
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,698
ALL RIGHT.
NOW--NOW, LISTEN.
432
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:56,198
YOU MAY HAVE
KILLED HER WHEN
YOU SHOVED
433
00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:58,165
ALL THOSE DOLLAR
BILLS DOWN
HER THROAT.
434
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,532
YOU MAY HAVE KILLED
HER WHEN YOU HIT
HER WITH THE STOOL.
435
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,866
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
436
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:06,631
BUT I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT DIDN'T KILL
HER. SMOKING!
437
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:08,132
YOU HAVE
OUR SUPPORT,
GRIFFIN.
438
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:11,998
LOOK, KIDS.
HERE'S
YOUR FATHER
439
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:14,432
IN PEOPLE
MAGAZINE WITH
JIM CARREY.
440
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,799
AND THEY'RE
BOTH "SMOKIN'!"
441
00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:17,699
[Laughs]
442
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:18,799
I LOVED THAT
IN MASK.
443
00:17:19,301 --> 00:17:20,965
"SMOKIN'!"
444
00:17:21,034 --> 00:17:22,232
[Laughs]
445
00:17:22,301 --> 00:17:23,498
"SMOKIN'!"
446
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:25,565
"SMOKIN'!"
447
00:17:25,634 --> 00:17:28,432
DAMN IT! DO I HAVE TO
LISTEN TO THIS DRIVEL
24 HOURS A DAY?
448
00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:30,232
BUT HEY, I GUESS
ANYTHING'S BETTER
449
00:17:30,301 --> 00:17:32,199
THAN LOOKING
AT YOUR
SMELLY FACE!
450
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:33,865
MOM!
451
00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:36,265
NOW, HONEY, YOUR FACE
SMELLS FINE. YOU KNOW
HE DOESN'T MEAN IT.
452
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:37,799
IT'S JUST THE
LACK OF NICOTINE.
453
00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:39,632
HEY, MOM,
THE SCHOOL
JANITOR SAID
454
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,498
THAT DAD'S WORKING
FOR THE BAD GUYS.
455
00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:43,498
AND HE SAID IT
THROUGH A HOLE
IN HIS THROAT.
456
00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:45,433
WELL, THAT DOESN'T
MAKE HIM RIGHT.
457
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,032
IF I HAD A HOLE
IN MY THROAT,
458
00:17:47,101 --> 00:17:48,966
I'D PUT
PENNIES IN IT!
459
00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:51,066
LISTEN, YOUR FATHER'S
DOING GREAT WORK,
460
00:17:51,135 --> 00:17:52,665
AND LIFE'S
NEVER BEEN BETTER.
461
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,399
YES, I, TOO,
APPLAUD THE OAF
462
00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:55,999
FOR FINALLY SHOWING
SOME INITIATIVE.
463
00:17:56,068 --> 00:17:58,232
GOD KNOWS HE WAS
YEARS OVERDUE.
464
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:00,865
[Gasps]
465
00:18:00,933 --> 00:18:02,998
MM. OH, YOU KNOW WHO I
SAW AT THE MARKET TODAY?
466
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:04,698
PATTY CROFT.
467
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:07,765
OH, AND SHE HAS
GOTTEN FAT!
468
00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:09,932
OH, MY GOD!
STEWIE, NO!
469
00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:11,699
OH, GOD.
WHAT HAVE
I DONE?
470
00:18:11,768 --> 00:18:13,266
I KNEW
SMOKING
WAS BAD,
471
00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,132
BUT--BUT
I STILL SOLD
MY SOUL.
472
00:18:15,201 --> 00:18:17,499
AND FOR WHAT?
MARTHA STEWART?
473
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:20,565
COME ON, KIDS.
WE GOTTA PUT A
STOP TO THIS. NOW!
474
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:23,832
[Sighs]
475
00:18:23,901 --> 00:18:25,199
FINALLY.
476
00:18:25,268 --> 00:18:26,499
[Farts]
477
00:18:27,268 --> 00:18:28,266
[Sighs]
478
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,232
♪ THEY CALL ME BILL ♪
479
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:35,098
♪ YES, THEY CALL ME BILL ♪
480
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:37,798
♪ AND I'M STANDING
HERE ON CAPITOL... ♪
481
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:38,732
OHH!
482
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,531
BOB DOLE'S
A FRIEND OF THE
TOBACCO INDUSTRY.
483
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,899
BOB DOLE
LIKES YOUR
STYLE.
484
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:48,932
BOB DOLE.
485
00:18:49,001 --> 00:18:50,233
BOB DOLE.
486
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:51,398
BOB DOLE.
487
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:52,665
BOB DOLE.
488
00:18:52,734 --> 00:18:54,032
BOB DOLE.
489
00:18:54,101 --> 00:18:55,166
BOB DOLE.
490
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,265
BOB DOLE.
491
00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:58,799
[Quietly]
BOB DOLE.
492
00:18:58,868 --> 00:18:59,898
[Lois]
THERE YOU ARE!
493
00:18:59,967 --> 00:19:01,665
PETER, I CAUGHT
STEWIE SMOKING.
494
00:19:01,733 --> 00:19:03,099
THAT CIGARETTE
COMPANY IS EVIL.
495
00:19:03,168 --> 00:19:05,199
WE CAN'T BE A
PART OF THIS
ANYMORE.
496
00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:07,266
LOIS, THIS IS THE
BEST JOB I EVER HAD!
497
00:19:07,333 --> 00:19:08,998
HEY, SINCE I
BECAME
PRESIDENT,
498
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,798
PROFITS HAVE BEEN
HIGHER THAN
ALYSSA MILANO.
499
00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:13,499
[Laughs]
500
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:15,665
WHAT KIND OF
CHEAP SHOT... JOEL!
501
00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:17,731
I'M SUING. I'M
SUING. I'M ON
IT. I'M ON IT.
502
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,498
MR. GRIFFIN, TIME
FOR YOUR SPEECH.
503
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,599
BUT, PETER, WHAT
ABOUT YOUR SON?
504
00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:22,898
SO STEWIE
HAD A PUFF.
505
00:19:22,967 --> 00:19:24,798
HE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO MAKE HIS
OWN DECISIONS.
506
00:19:24,867 --> 00:19:26,298
FOR GOD'S SAKES,
LOIS, HE'S ONE.
507
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:27,732
CUT THE
UMBILICAL CORD!
508
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:29,965
[Applause]
509
00:19:30,034 --> 00:19:31,799
LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN OF CONGRESS,
510
00:19:31,867 --> 00:19:34,798
I AM HERE TODAY TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SMOKING.
511
00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:37,631
OH, PLEASE,
PETER, DO THE
RIGHT THING.
512
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:41,665
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU
ARE ALREADY ON MY SIDE.
513
00:19:41,734 --> 00:19:45,199
AND FOR YOU NAYSAYERS,
I HAVE 2 STRONG
WORDS FOR YOU.
514
00:19:45,901 --> 00:19:47,732
COME ON!
515
00:19:47,801 --> 00:19:50,399
COME ON!
516
00:19:50,467 --> 00:19:52,232
OKAY.
YEAH,
OKAY.
517
00:19:52,301 --> 00:19:53,799
SURE. ALL RIGHT.
DONE.
518
00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:55,398
THANK YOU,
LADIES AND, UH--
519
00:19:55,467 --> 00:19:56,965
[Stewie coughing]
520
00:19:57,734 --> 00:19:58,732
[Peter]
A-AND--
521
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,465
[Stewie coughing]
522
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,698
BABY NEEDS
TO SUCK ASH!
523
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,499
BABY NEEDS
TO SUCK ASH!
524
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:08,399
NOT "ASS," YOU
PERVERT. SAVE IT
FOR THE INTERNS.
525
00:20:08,467 --> 00:20:09,732
IS THAT A BABY?
526
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,932
[Coughing]
527
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:12,832
OH, MY GOD! THAT'S STEWIE!
528
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:14,198
LOIS WAS RIGHT!
529
00:20:14,266 --> 00:20:16,565
CHILDREN UNDER 4
SHOULDN'T SMOKE!
530
00:20:16,634 --> 00:20:19,965
LOOK, I DON'T CARE ABOUT
THIS STUPID JOB ANYMORE.
CIGARETTES ARE BAD!
531
00:20:20,034 --> 00:20:22,965
MR. GRIFFIN IS RIGHT!
SMOKING IS A HORRIBLE VICE!
532
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:26,166
IT SHORTENS LIFE EXPECTANCY
AND POLLUTES OUR AIR.
533
00:20:26,234 --> 00:20:28,766
AND ACCORDING TO
RECENT POLLS, AIR IS GOOD.
534
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,765
CIGARETTES KILLED
MY FATHER
535
00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:32,132
AND RAPED MY MOTHER!
536
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,199
[All]
OH!
537
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:34,531
GENTLEMEN,
I PROPOSE WE SEND
538
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,265
A MESSAGE TO
TOBACCO COMPANIES
EVERYWHERE,
539
00:20:36,333 --> 00:20:38,665
BY FINING THE
EL DORADO CIGARETTE
COMPANY
540
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:40,699
INFINITY
BILLION DOLLARS!
541
00:20:40,767 --> 00:20:42,298
THAT'S THE
SPIRIT, FRANK!
542
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,598
BUT I THINK A REAL
NUMBER MIGHT BE
MORE EFFECTIVE.
543
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:47,099
ALL IN FAVOR OF
FINING THIS EVIL
TOBACCO GIANT
544
00:20:47,168 --> 00:20:49,265
$100 MILLION,
SAY "AYE"!
545
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:50,266
[All]
AYE!
546
00:20:50,335 --> 00:20:52,098
BUT THAT'LL
BANKRUPT US!
547
00:20:53,267 --> 00:20:54,732
OH, YOU MEAN
THE WAY YOU'VE
548
00:20:54,801 --> 00:20:56,832
MORALLY
BANKRUPTED
AMERICA?
549
00:20:56,901 --> 00:20:58,198
[All laugh]
550
00:20:58,267 --> 00:20:59,632
THANKS FOR THAT
ZINGER, BOYS.
551
00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:01,398
NOW, GIVE ME
A SNAPPY LINE
TO GO OUT ON.
552
00:21:01,466 --> 00:21:03,066
ACTUALLY, OUR
LUNCH IS HERE.
553
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:05,465
UH...
554
00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:08,632
WELL, THAT'S
MY MAMA!
555
00:21:09,233 --> 00:21:10,531
[Laughs]
556
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,732
[Heroic instrumental music
playing]
557
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:35,232
HI, I'M PETER
GRIFFIN.
558
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:36,899
YOU KNOW, WE'VE
HAD A LOT OF
LAUGHS TONIGHT.
559
00:21:36,967 --> 00:21:38,799
BUT I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT'S
NOT FUNNY.
560
00:21:38,867 --> 00:21:42,132
KILLING STRIPPERS.
STRIPPERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO.
561
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,565
NAKED PEOPLE WHO
MAY BE WILLING
562
00:21:43,633 --> 00:21:45,631
TO PLEASURE YOU
FOR A PRICE YOU
NEGOTIATE LATER,
563
00:21:45,701 --> 00:21:47,464
BEHIND THE
CURTAIN OF THE
V.I.P. ROOM.
564
00:21:47,534 --> 00:21:49,465
BESIDES, THERE'S NO
NEED TO KILL 'EM.
565
00:21:49,534 --> 00:21:52,299
'CAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE
ALREADY DEAD INSIDE.
566
00:21:52,368 --> 00:21:53,399
GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYONE.
567
00:21:56,867 --> 00:21:58,298
♪[Theme song playing]