1
00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:04,832
♪ IT SEEMS TODAY
THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪
2
00:00:04,901 --> 00:00:08,166
♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
AND SEX ON T.V. ♪
3
00:00:08,233 --> 00:00:11,565
♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪
4
00:00:11,634 --> 00:00:14,665
♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪
5
00:00:14,734 --> 00:00:18,199
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
6
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:21,498
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO'LL
POSITIVELY TELL YOU ♪
7
00:00:21,567 --> 00:00:23,165
♪ ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE US ♪
8
00:00:23,234 --> 00:00:24,899
♪ LAUGH 'N' CRY ♪
9
00:00:24,967 --> 00:00:29,865
♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
10
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:38,499
OH, MY!
11
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:40,065
THIS PLACE
IS ENORMOUS!
12
00:00:40,133 --> 00:00:42,865
OH, MAN! THEY GOT
THESE LITTLE PLASTIC
DISC GUNS!
13
00:00:42,933 --> 00:00:45,431
AW, I HAVEN'T SEEN
ONE OF THESE SINCE
CLEVELAND'S WEDDING.
14
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:46,799
DEARLY BELOVED,
15
00:00:46,867 --> 00:00:48,199
WE ARE GATHERED
HERE TODAY
16
00:00:48,267 --> 00:00:51,132
TO CELEBRATE THE JOINING
OF THESE TWO YOUNG PEOPLE,
17
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:52,132
[Peter laughing]
18
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,464
IN THE BONDS OF
HOLY MATRIMONY,
19
00:00:54,533 --> 00:00:55,464
[Peter laughing]
20
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,665
CONSECRATED
BEFORE GOD ALMIGHTY.
21
00:00:57,734 --> 00:00:58,731
[Peter laughing]
22
00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:00,531
HEY! STRATEGO!
23
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,165
I USED TO
LOVE THIS GAME.
24
00:01:02,234 --> 00:01:03,198
OH, MY GOD!
25
00:01:03,267 --> 00:01:04,498
ABE VIGODA?
26
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:06,099
GO BOTHER
STEVE GUTTENBERG.
27
00:01:06,168 --> 00:01:08,066
HE'S BEHIND THE
CHINESE CHECKERS.
28
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:09,432
[Steve]
ABE, SHUT UP!
29
00:01:11,534 --> 00:01:13,565
♪[Keyboard music playing]
30
00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:16,299
HEY, LOOK AT ME, CHRIS!
31
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,866
I'M YANNI,
SANS THE ATTITUDE.
32
00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:22,665
MY GOD,
THAT'S AMAZING!
33
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,699
YOU ARE
SO TALENTED.
34
00:01:24,768 --> 00:01:25,665
HUH?
35
00:01:25,734 --> 00:01:26,799
WAIT A SECOND!
36
00:01:26,868 --> 00:01:28,799
SOMETHING'S
NOT RIGHT HERE.
37
00:01:28,868 --> 00:01:31,366
YOU WERE JUST MAKING
IT LOOK LIKE YOU
WERE PLAYING.
38
00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:32,932
YOU'RE A PHONY!
39
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,832
HEY, THIS GUY'S
A GREAT BIG PHONY.
40
00:01:35,901 --> 00:01:37,165
COME ON, CHRIS.
41
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:39,432
[Ticking]
42
00:01:39,501 --> 00:01:40,432
AHH!
43
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:41,765
OH, THERE
YOU ARE, STEWIE.
44
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:44,198
HEY, YOU'RE A GREAT
BIG PHONY. YOU
KNOW THAT?
45
00:01:44,267 --> 00:01:45,299
HEY, COME ON, STEWIE.
46
00:01:45,368 --> 00:01:46,932
YOUR MOM AND I HAVE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
47
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,098
OH, LET
ME GUESS.
48
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:49,899
YOU'VE PICKED OUT YET
ANOTHER COLORFUL BOX
49
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:52,331
WITH A CRANK THAT I'M
EXPECTED TO TURN,
AND TURN, UNTIL...
50
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,865
OOH! BIG SHOCK,
A JACK POPS OUT.
51
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:55,865
AND, YOU LAUGH, AND
THE KIDS LAUGH,
AND THE DOG LAUGHS,
52
00:01:55,934 --> 00:01:57,831
AND I DIE A LITTLE INSIDE.
53
00:01:59,034 --> 00:01:59,965
[Gasps]
54
00:02:00,034 --> 00:02:01,399
SURPRISE, HONEY!
55
00:02:02,234 --> 00:02:03,499
A TRIKIE!
56
00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:05,932
I THINK HE LIKES IT!
57
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,465
WHEN I STICK
THIS ARMY GUY
58
00:02:07,534 --> 00:02:09,332
WITH THE SHARP
BAYONET UP MY NOSE,
59
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,899
IT TICKLES
MY BRAIN.
60
00:02:10,967 --> 00:02:11,865
[Laughing]
61
00:02:11,934 --> 00:02:15,199
OW! OH, NOW I DON'T
KNOW MATH.
62
00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,433
GIVE IT TO ME!
GIVE IT TO ME
NOW, DAMN IT!
63
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,798
NOT NOW, STEWIE.
WHEN WE GET HOME.
64
00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:21,798
THAT'S RIGHT!
65
00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:23,832
YOU'RE A BIG,
FAT PHONY!
66
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,331
WHAT I'M ABOUT
TO SHOW YOU
67
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,565
IS A FIGHT SCENE
68
00:02:29,634 --> 00:02:31,899
FROM STAR TREK,
SEASON 1,
EPISODE 18.
69
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:33,032
AND AS A BONUS,
70
00:02:33,101 --> 00:02:34,999
I'M GOING TO IDENTIFY
WHEN IT'S SHATNER,
71
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:37,232
AND WHEN IT'S
HIS STUNT DOUBLE,
FRED LUBBINS.
72
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:38,232
LET'S WATCH.
73
00:02:38,301 --> 00:02:39,432
THAT'S SHATNER,
OF COURSE.
74
00:02:39,501 --> 00:02:40,465
THAT'S LUBBINS.
75
00:02:40,533 --> 00:02:41,565
THEN THAT'S SHATNER.
76
00:02:41,633 --> 00:02:42,598
THAT'S LUBBINS.
77
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:44,132
THAT'S SHATNER.
THAT'S LUBBINS.
78
00:02:44,201 --> 00:02:45,199
NOW, THAT'S SHATNER.
79
00:02:45,268 --> 00:02:47,166
WHEN I FREEZE-FRAME
YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE
80
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:49,299
LUBBINS' COFFEE CUP,
SITTING ON THAT ROCK.
81
00:02:49,368 --> 00:02:51,299
HE IS THE
BIGGEST DORK
ON THE PLANET.
82
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:52,765
OH, TOTALLY.
83
00:02:52,834 --> 00:02:55,699
AND SO, BECAUSE OF
HIS ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE
STYLE OF COMMAND,
84
00:02:55,768 --> 00:02:58,299
CAPTAIN KIRK IS
CLEARLY SUPERIOR
85
00:02:58,368 --> 00:03:00,098
TO JEAN-LUC PICARD.
86
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:01,433
ANY QUESTIONS?
87
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:03,165
MEG?
88
00:03:03,234 --> 00:03:04,899
NO! LEAVE
ME ALONE!
89
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:07,765
THANK YOU NEIL,
FOR THAT INCREDIBLY
IRRELEVANT PRESENTATION.
90
00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:10,199
WE ALL KNOW
CAPT. PICARD IS THE
SUPERIOR OFFICER.
91
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:17,364
UGH.
92
00:03:17,433 --> 00:03:18,531
HEY, EVERYBODY!
93
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:20,132
MR. LASSENBEE'S
GETTING ARRESTED!
94
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,665
[Students chattering]
95
00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:25,265
WHAT IN GOD'S NAME?
96
00:03:25,333 --> 00:03:26,498
MR. LASSENBEE,
97
00:03:26,567 --> 00:03:27,865
WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON HERE?
98
00:03:27,934 --> 00:03:29,799
APPARENTLY, THERE'S
SOME LAW AGAINST
99
00:03:29,868 --> 00:03:31,465
TEACHING THE
EVOLUTIONARY THEORY
100
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:33,732
THAT GIL GERARD
USED A TIME
MACHINE, WENT BACK,
101
00:03:33,801 --> 00:03:35,765
AND EJACULATED INTO
THE PRIMORDIAL OOZE.
102
00:03:35,834 --> 00:03:38,132
THIS STUPID COUNTRY.
103
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,265
HELLO.
TOM TUCKER LIVE
104
00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:40,865
AT JAMES
WOODS HIGH SCHOOL
105
00:03:40,934 --> 00:03:42,598
WITH THIS SENSATIONAL
BREAKING STORY.
106
00:03:42,667 --> 00:03:44,665
A TEACHER CAUGHT
MOLESTING CHILDREN
107
00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:46,465
WITH CRACKPOT THEORIES.
108
00:03:46,534 --> 00:03:47,565
FULL STORY
AT 11:00.
109
00:03:47,633 --> 00:03:48,798
[Man]
AND OUT.
110
00:03:48,867 --> 00:03:50,599
[Gasps]
OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S TOM TUCKER,
111
00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:51,565
FROM THE NEWS!
112
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:52,532
HEY, KIDS.
113
00:03:52,601 --> 00:03:53,865
REMEMBER,
MR. T SAYS,
114
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,298
"I PITY THE FOOL
WHO DOES DRUGS."
115
00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:06,799
BETTER HURRY
UP, MR. TUCKER.
116
00:04:06,868 --> 00:04:08,198
I'M COMING.
117
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,431
AND REPORTS
INDICATE SHE HAS
ALSO CONSUMED
118
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,165
A RECORD AMOUNT
OF SEAMEN.
119
00:04:24,233 --> 00:04:26,598
WELL, THAT SOUNDS
LIKE ONE POWERFUL
HURRICANE, DIANE.
120
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,166
IN OTHER
NEWS, SCHOOL-
BOARD ELECTIONS
121
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,265
TOOK PLACE
LAST EVENING.
122
00:04:29,334 --> 00:04:31,066
AND WITH 6
PRECINCTS REPORTING,
123
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:33,398
CANDIDATE FRED JOHNSON
LEADS CANDIDATE...
124
00:04:35,867 --> 00:04:37,765
♪[Rock music playing]
125
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,165
HI, MEG.
126
00:04:46,233 --> 00:04:48,765
YOU KNOW HOW CUTE
I THINK YOU ARE.
127
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:49,832
♪[Rock music continues]
128
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,565
[Tom]
...A BIT OF TURMOIL AT
THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY
129
00:05:10,634 --> 00:05:13,032
WHEN PRESIDENT BUSH
STUCK HIS FINGER IN
AN ELECTRICAL SOCKET.
130
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:14,032
WHOA!
131
00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:15,899
YIKES! AWKWARD.
132
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:18,498
"CHENEY TOLD ME THAT'S
WHERE LEPRECHAUNS
HIDE THEIR GOLD."
133
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:19,798
MORE AT 11.
134
00:05:19,867 --> 00:05:22,232
HEY! YOU KNOW WHO
LIVES IN THIS HOUSE?
135
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,398
A GREAT
BIG PHONY!
136
00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:25,598
THAT'S RIGHT!
137
00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:27,065
A PHONY
LIVES HERE!
138
00:05:27,134 --> 00:05:29,399
A BIG
FAT PHONY!
139
00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:33,865
I SAY! LOOK AT ME!
140
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,965
I FEEL LIKE A REGULAR
GREASE MONKEY!
141
00:05:36,034 --> 00:05:37,999
HEY, REMEMBER
THAT TIME I HAD
THAT MUSTANG?
142
00:05:38,068 --> 00:05:40,598
OH, YEAH! YOU--YOU
TOOK HER FOR
A SPIN THAT TIME.
143
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,066
[Laughs]
YEAH, THAT
WAS AWESOME!
144
00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,665
AW, TH-THEN
THOSE CHOWDERHEADS
145
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,498
ON THE CORNER, THEY
BUSTED YOUR STONES.
146
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:47,333
[Both laughing]
147
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,199
HEY, YOUR SISTER SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
148
00:05:50,733 --> 00:05:52,465
OH, MY GOD!
I'M MISSING
THE NEWS!
149
00:05:52,534 --> 00:05:54,199
WE ALL MISS
THE NEWS, MEG.
150
00:05:54,268 --> 00:05:56,099
BUT HUEY LEWIS
NEEDS TIME TO CREATE,
151
00:05:56,168 --> 00:05:57,932
AND WE HAVE TO
LEARN TO BE PATIENT.
152
00:05:58,001 --> 00:05:59,232
AND IN ENTERTAINMENT,
153
00:05:59,301 --> 00:06:01,866
MARY TYLER MOORE IS
64 YEARS OLD TODAY.
154
00:06:01,934 --> 00:06:03,499
REALLY? 64?
YES.
155
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:04,599
NOW I THOUGHT
SHE WAS DEAD.
156
00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:05,832
NOPE. SHE'S ALIVE.
157
00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:07,799
FANTASTIC!
AND NOW THIS.
158
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,032
ARE YOU AN AREA
HIGH-SCHOOL
STUDENT INTERESTED
159
00:06:10,101 --> 00:06:12,266
IN THE GLAMOROUS WORLD
OF UNPAID INTERNSHIPS?
160
00:06:12,334 --> 00:06:14,364
IF SO, WE'D LIKE TO
INVITE YOU TO TRY OUT
161
00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:16,399
FOR CHANNEL 5'S YOUNG
ANCHOR PROGRAM.
162
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:17,865
[Gasps]
OH, WOW!
163
00:06:17,934 --> 00:06:19,532
YOU'LL GAIN
VALUABLE EXPERIENCE,
164
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,598
HAVE A CHANCE TO WORK
CLOSELY WITH TOM AND ME,
165
00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:24,032
AND BEST OF ALL,
PRODUCE YOUR
OWN ON-AIR REPORT.
166
00:06:24,101 --> 00:06:25,132
SO, CALL US NOW.
167
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:26,199
[Together]
YEAH!
168
00:06:38,101 --> 00:06:39,632
ALL RIGHT,
QUESTION NUMBER ONE.
169
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,731
WOULD YOU CONSIDER
GROWING A MOUSTACHE?
170
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:42,965
I GUESS SO.
171
00:06:43,034 --> 00:06:45,165
QUESTION NUMBER 2.
LOOK AT MY MOUSTACHE.
172
00:06:45,234 --> 00:06:47,965
DO YOU THINK IT TICKLES
WOMEN WHEN I KISS THEM?
173
00:06:48,034 --> 00:06:49,365
I--I DON'T KNOW.
174
00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:52,432
WRONG. THE ANSWER
IS "ONLY SLIGHTLY."
ONLY SLIGHTLY.
175
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:54,698
NEXT!
176
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:57,932
[Diane]
OH, GOD! I CAN'T HIRE
ANY OF THESE GIRLS.
177
00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:01,299
THEY'RE ALL TOO PRETTY.
THEIR BREASTS ARE TOO PERKY.
178
00:07:02,268 --> 00:07:03,499
[Gasps]
PERFECT!
179
00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:05,598
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU GOT THE JOB.
180
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:06,731
OH, MY GOD!
181
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,432
OH, OH, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
182
00:07:08,501 --> 00:07:10,765
THIS IS BEYOND ANYTHING
I'VE EVER DREAMED OF.
183
00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,765
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
WILL START FIRST THING
TOMORROW AFTER SCHOOL.
184
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,065
GREAT! WHO'S
MY PARTNER?
185
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:16,632
HEY THERE,
HOT STUFF!
186
00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:17,999
[Gasps]
187
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:24,364
WELL, WELL.
188
00:07:24,433 --> 00:07:25,765
IT APPEARS THE FATES
189
00:07:25,833 --> 00:07:28,299
HAVE CONSPIRED IN
OUR FAVOR, EH, MEG?
190
00:07:28,368 --> 00:07:30,332
LOOK! STAY AWAY
FROM ME, NEIL!
191
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,865
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE
WORKING TOGETHER
192
00:07:31,934 --> 00:07:33,298
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE
TO LIKE YOU.
193
00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:34,298
GIVE IT TO ME!
194
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:35,332
WHAT'S THAT?
195
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,665
GIVE IT TO ME, NEIL!
196
00:07:36,733 --> 00:07:38,631
[Meg]
GIVE IT TO ME!
GIVE IT TO ME, NEIL!
197
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:41,498
YEAH. THAT'LL
WORK JUST FINE.
198
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:42,598
[Moans]
199
00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:43,999
HEY, LOOK WHO'S
HERE, DIANE.
200
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:45,832
IT'S OUR BRIGHT-EYED
YOUNG INTERNS.
201
00:07:45,901 --> 00:07:47,865
DID YOU TWO REMEMBER TO
WEAR YOUR EAGER CAPS?
202
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:49,565
I SURE DID,
MR. TUCKER!
203
00:07:49,634 --> 00:07:52,499
GREAT! 'CAUSE YOU
TWO ARE GONNA
HAVE SO MUCH FUN!
204
00:07:52,567 --> 00:07:54,631
[Laughs]
DON'T ACT ANY
CHEERIER, DIANE.
205
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:55,832
YOU'LL GIVE US
ALL DIABETES.
206
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:56,865
BITE ME, TOM.
207
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,865
COME ON, KIDS!
208
00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:01,965
AND HERE'S WHERE WE
PRODUCE OUR IN-STUDIO
CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS.
209
00:08:02,034 --> 00:08:03,765
I JUST DID ONE
WITH DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
210
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:06,032
HE'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE
TO BOOK, BUT WE GOT HIM.
211
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:07,565
SO, DUSTIN,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
212
00:08:07,633 --> 00:08:09,065
I GOT TO SAY,
YOU LOOK GREAT.
213
00:08:09,134 --> 00:08:10,365
ARE YOU TRYING
TO SEDUCE ME--
214
00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:11,665
[Man]
MR. TUCKER?
215
00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:14,165
I AM NOT TRYING TO SEDUCE
YOU, DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
216
00:08:14,234 --> 00:08:15,632
YOU REALLY LOOK GREAT.
217
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:17,232
UH-OH, 12 MINUTES
TO WAPNER.
218
00:08:17,301 --> 00:08:19,098
YES, I UNDERSTAND
YOUR HECTIC SCHEDULE.
219
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,532
WELL, DUSTIN, WE
REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU TAKING THE TIME
220
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,165
TO BE WITH US HERE
IN THE STUDIO.
221
00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:24,899
IF THERE'S ANYTHING
I CAN EVER DO FOR YOU--
222
00:08:24,967 --> 00:08:26,999
BRING ME PETER PAN!
223
00:08:27,068 --> 00:08:29,498
I'LL KEEP MY EYE OUT
FOR HIM. THANKS, DUSTIN.
224
00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:31,665
HE'S THIS TALL.
225
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:34,233
CAN YOU
BELIEVE IT?
226
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:37,066
OUR LITTLE STEWIE
LEARNING TO RIDE
HIS FIRST TRICYCLE.
227
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,232
YEAH, THIS IS GONNA BE EVEN
MORE EXCITING THAN WHEN
228
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,199
BRIAN TAUGHT ME ABOUT
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
229
00:08:41,267 --> 00:08:42,432
WHERE WE GOING, BRIAN?
230
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:44,332
WELL, PETER, WE'RE GOING
TO VISIT THE YEAR 1492.
231
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,765
THAT'S WHEN COLUMBUS SET
SAIL ON HIS VOYAGE
TO THE NEW WORLD.
232
00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:47,899
WE'RE ON A SHIP!
233
00:08:47,968 --> 00:08:49,265
THAT'S RIGHT, THIS
IS THE SANTA MARIA.
234
00:08:49,333 --> 00:08:51,665
ONE OF 3 SHIPS HE TOOK
TO FIND A ROUTE TO INDIA.
235
00:08:51,734 --> 00:08:52,899
ANY SIGN
OF INDIA YET?
236
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,099
NOTHING YET,
CAPTAIN.
237
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:56,332
INDIA? I THOUGHT HE
WAS GOING TO AMERICA.
238
00:08:56,401 --> 00:08:57,598
ON THE CONTRARY.
239
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,331
COLUMBUS DISCOVERED
AMERICA ENTIRELY
BY MISTAKE.
240
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:00,865
WOW!
241
00:09:00,934 --> 00:09:03,333
WHAT THE DEUCE DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
BACK OFF, FAT MAN!
242
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,498
HANG ON, STEWIE!
243
00:09:04,567 --> 00:09:06,433
WHAT THE--
HEY, HEY! LET GO!
244
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,966
GET YOUR FILTHY
PAWS OFF!
245
00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:10,066
LET GO!
LET GO, I SAY!
246
00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:11,298
DON'T LET GO!
247
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,699
OH, THIS IS EXHILARATING!
248
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:14,966
GO, STEWIE!
249
00:09:15,034 --> 00:09:16,365
YAY, STEWIE!
250
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,065
HERE, I GOTTA GO
CHECK ON DINNER.
251
00:09:18,134 --> 00:09:20,532
YOU KEEP TAPING STEWIE.
DON'T MISS A MOMENT.
252
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,398
[Peter]
I GOT IT.
253
00:09:22,467 --> 00:09:25,565
[Gasps]
LOOK! IT'S DANCING
WITH ME!
254
00:09:25,634 --> 00:09:28,165
IT'S LIKE THERE'S
THIS INCREDIBLY
BENEVOLENT FORCE
255
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,232
THAT WANTS ME TO KNOW
256
00:09:29,301 --> 00:09:31,832
THERE'S NO REASON
TO BE AFRAID.
257
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:34,332
SOMETIMES THERE'S SO
MUCH BEAUTY IN THE WORLD,
258
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,598
IT MAKES MY
HEART BURST.
259
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:39,265
IT'S JUST SOME TRASH
BLOWING IN THE WIND!
260
00:09:39,334 --> 00:09:41,132
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW COMPLICATED
261
00:09:41,201 --> 00:09:43,032
YOUR CIRCULATORY
SYSTEM IS?
262
00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:45,999
HI, MR. TUCKER.
263
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:47,699
I BROUGHT SOME
RICE CRISPY TREATS
264
00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:49,799
'CAUSE I REMEMBER YOU
SAYING YOU LIKED THEM.
265
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:52,299
SEE, LOOK. THIS ONE, IT'S
IN THE SHAPE OF A HEART.
266
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,865
I'M SORRY, BUT
THERE'S A HANDSOME
MAN IN MY SPOON.
267
00:09:54,934 --> 00:09:56,632
YOU'LL HAVE TO
COME BACK LATER.
268
00:09:56,701 --> 00:09:57,699
[Sighs]
269
00:09:57,767 --> 00:09:58,866
[Gasps]
270
00:09:58,934 --> 00:10:02,132
OH, MY GOD! MEG'S IN
LOVE WITH TOM TUCKER!
271
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,498
TRY TO MOVE IN
ON MY WOMAN,
272
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:06,932
WILL YOU,
TOM TUCKER?
273
00:10:07,001 --> 00:10:09,431
NO ONE CROSSES NEIL GOLDMAN
AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
274
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:10,598
[Snickers]
275
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,532
I ADDED A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO YOUR COFFEE
276
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,532
THAT I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE.
277
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,032
HERE'S YOUR
COFFEE, MR. TUCKER.
278
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,565
WHAT THE HELL
IS IN THIS?
279
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:19,632
SWEET'N LOW!
280
00:10:19,701 --> 00:10:21,498
THAT'S FOR TRYING
TO STEAL MY WOMAN!
281
00:10:21,567 --> 00:10:23,865
GO BACK AND BRING IT
TO ME WITH URINE
IN IT LIKE I ASKED!
282
00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:24,765
YES, SIR.
283
00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:30,098
NICE BIKE.
284
00:10:30,166 --> 00:10:32,366
IF THAT'S NOT THE
UNDERSTATEMENT
OF THE CENTURY.
285
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:34,599
IT'S COOL. TOO
COOL FOR YOU!
286
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:37,199
NO, NO. I--I THINK IT'S
RIGHT WHERE I'M AT.
287
00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:38,432
OUT OF MY WAY!
288
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:39,665
OH, I SEE.
YES, YES,
289
00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:41,399
I--I SUPPOSE YOU DO
HAVE TO RIDE IT
290
00:10:41,468 --> 00:10:43,565
TO TRULY APPRECIATE
ITS VIRTUES.
291
00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:46,498
WELL THEN, I'LL JUST
WAIT RIGHT HERE TILL
YOU GET BACK.
292
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,332
[Sighs]
WHERE THE DEVIL IS HE?
293
00:10:50,401 --> 00:10:52,032
YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY
NEVER MET A BULLY.
294
00:10:52,101 --> 00:10:53,665
WHAT THE DEUCE DO
YOU MEAN, "BULLY"?
295
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:56,132
HE WASN'T TAKING IT
FOR A TEST RIDE. HE
WAS JUST TAKING IT.
296
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,698
[Gasps]
YOU--
297
00:10:57,767 --> 00:10:59,499
YOU MEAN...
MMM-HMM.
298
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:03,499
[Whimpering]
HE STOLE MY TRIKIE!
299
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,432
[Sobbing]
300
00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:10,665
[Meg]
MR. TUCKER,
301
00:11:10,734 --> 00:11:12,465
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD
YOU YOUR EYES ARE--
302
00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,498
HANG ON, SWEETIE.
I'VE GOT TO CALL
PETER JENNINGS
303
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,665
AND RESCHEDULE
OUR GOLF GAME.
304
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:18,565
[Phone ringing]
305
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,732
♪[Rock music playing]
306
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:30,332
THIS IS PETER.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
307
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,432
[Beeps]
308
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:32,932
MR. TUCKER?
MISS SIMMONS?
309
00:11:33,001 --> 00:11:34,598
THERE'S SOME NUT
ON TOP OF TOWN HALL
310
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:36,364
WITH A HIGH-POWERED
RIFLE!
311
00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:39,432
THE GUNMAN'S BEEN
IDENTIFIED AS THE
MASS-MEDIA MURDERER
312
00:11:39,501 --> 00:11:40,932
WHO TARGETS MEMBERS
OF THE PRESS.
313
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,698
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
"MASS-MEDIA MURDERER"?
314
00:11:43,767 --> 00:11:46,232
YOU KNOW, I THINK
THIS WOULD BE
A FINE OPPORTUNITY
315
00:11:46,301 --> 00:11:48,699
TO GIVE OUR INTERNS
SOME REAL-WORLD
EXPERIENCE.
316
00:11:48,768 --> 00:11:51,631
HEY, THAT MEANS YOU'LL
GET TO RIDE IN THE
ACTION 5 NEWS CHOPPER!
317
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:52,766
I'M SO JEALOUS!
318
00:11:52,834 --> 00:11:53,999
BETTER PUT IN FOR
SOME NEW INTERNS.
319
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,965
GOOD LUCK!
320
00:11:56,034 --> 00:11:57,999
[Man]
I'VE GOT HUGH
DOWNS UP HERE!
321
00:11:58,068 --> 00:12:00,464
AND I'M GONNA SPLATTER
HIS DISTINGUISHED CAREER
322
00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:01,799
ALL OVER
THE PAVEMENT!
323
00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:03,398
WHY ME?
WHY THE MEDIA?
324
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,932
I'VE GOT MY REASONS!
325
00:12:05,001 --> 00:12:06,932
DAN RATHER THINKS
HE CAN JUST CONDENSE
326
00:12:07,001 --> 00:12:09,166
A WHOLE DAY'S WORTH OF
EVENTS INTO A HALF HOUR.
327
00:12:09,235 --> 00:12:12,133
OH, DON'T GET ME
STARTED ON RATHER.
THAT ARROGANT JERK.
328
00:12:12,201 --> 00:12:13,498
REALLY? YOU KNOW HIM?
329
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,632
I'M HUGH DOWNS.
I KNOW EVERYBODY.
330
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,232
IN FACT, HE'S
RIGHT DOWN THERE.
331
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,465
WHERE?
332
00:12:18,534 --> 00:12:20,365
HA-HA! SEE YOU
LATER, SUCKER!
333
00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,266
AND, BY THE WAY,
RATHER IS AN OK
GUY IN SMALL DOSES.
334
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:27,366
LOOK HOW CLOSE
WE'RE GETTING, MEG!
335
00:12:28,433 --> 00:12:30,932
HEY! THAT WAS MY
LUCKY ASSASSIN HAT!
336
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,099
[All gasp]
337
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,398
[Screaming]
338
00:12:33,466 --> 00:12:35,365
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
I'M GOING DOWN!
339
00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:40,498
[Gun cocks]
340
00:12:40,567 --> 00:12:42,132
OH, MY GOD,
WE'RE GONNA DIE!
341
00:12:42,201 --> 00:12:44,766
THERE'S SO MUCH OF LIFE
I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED!
342
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:46,133
I NEVER EVEN
GOT THE CHANCE
343
00:12:46,201 --> 00:12:48,631
TO BE SOME DRUNK COLLEGE
GUY'S LAST RESORT!
344
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:50,865
MY YEARS OF EXPENSIVE
ORTHODONTIC WORK
345
00:12:50,934 --> 00:12:52,164
WILL BE A TOTAL
WASTE!
346
00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:54,865
I NEVER EVEN HAD
MY FIRST KISS!
347
00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:56,799
IT'S NOT TOO LATE, MEG.
348
00:12:59,601 --> 00:13:01,531
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
349
00:13:04,068 --> 00:13:05,099
[Banging]
350
00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:06,966
TIME TO SIGN OFF.
351
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:10,231
REMEMBER ME, DIRT BAG?
352
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,498
[Both grunting]
353
00:13:35,034 --> 00:13:37,765
WOW! YOU SAVED THOSE
KIDS' LIVES, MR. DOWNS!
354
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:39,166
ALL IN
A DAY'S WORK.
355
00:13:39,234 --> 00:13:41,399
REMEMBER, IF YOU
EVER NEED ME, JUST
BLOW THIS WHISTLE
356
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,433
OR CALL JOHN
STOSSEL'S CELL PHONE.
357
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:46,232
HUGH DOWNS AWAY!
358
00:13:47,968 --> 00:13:49,498
AW, HONEY, THANK
GOD YOU'RE SAFE!
359
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:50,965
WE WERE SO WORRIED.
360
00:13:51,034 --> 00:13:53,399
WE NOW GO TO JUNIOR
ANCHOR NEIL GOLDMAN
361
00:13:53,468 --> 00:13:54,966
WITH EXCLUSIVE
CHANNEL 5 FOOTAGE
362
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:56,498
FROM TODAY'S
EXCITING SCENE.
363
00:13:56,566 --> 00:13:58,032
THANK YOU, DIANE.
364
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,731
THERE MAY HAVE BEEN
SOME SORT OF COMMOTION
ON THE ROOFTOP,
365
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,698
BUT THE REAL STORY
WAS INSIDE THE MOUTHS
366
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:06,032
OF MEG GRIFFIN
AND NEIL GOLDMAN,
367
00:14:06,101 --> 00:14:07,565
WHERE A MEETING
OF THE TONGUES,
368
00:14:07,634 --> 00:14:09,465
A SUMMIT OF SALIVA,
369
00:14:09,534 --> 00:14:13,232
ESTABLISHED A NEW
WORLD ORDER OF LOVE.
370
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:14,299
AHH!
371
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:20,465
LET'S WATCH IT ONE MORE
TIME IN SUPER SLOW-MO!
372
00:14:20,534 --> 00:14:23,331
THIS IS WHERE WE CEASE
TO BE MEG AND NEIL,
373
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,432
AND BEGIN LIFE
ANEW AS "MEIL."
374
00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:28,532
OH, MY GOD! HE
PUT IT ON T.V.?
375
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,598
OH, ISN'T THAT
CUTE, PETER?
376
00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:32,165
OUR DAUGHTER'S
FIRST LOVE.
377
00:14:32,234 --> 00:14:33,631
I JUST WANT TO
KILL MYSELF!
378
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,098
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS
RIGHT NOW
379
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,832
AND EAT A WHOLE
BOWL OF PEANUTS!
380
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,166
I'M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS!
381
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,532
YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ME!
382
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,166
WHO WAS THAT GUY?
383
00:14:47,901 --> 00:14:50,965
I SAY, CONSTABLE,
I'D LIKE TO REPORT THE
THEFT OF MY TRICYCLE.
384
00:14:51,034 --> 00:14:53,231
OH, LOOK AT
THE LITTLE BABY.
385
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,665
AREN'T YOU CUTE?
386
00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:56,333
WHERE'S YOUR MOMMY?
387
00:14:56,401 --> 00:14:58,232
HOW DARE YOU
CONDESCEND TO ME!
388
00:14:58,300 --> 00:14:59,431
I DEMAND JUSTICE!
389
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:01,066
I'M HERE TO TURN
MYSELF IN.
390
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:02,965
I HAVE A DISMEMBERED
BALTIC HOOKER
391
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:04,765
BLEEDING THROUGH
THE TARP IN MY TRUNK.
392
00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:06,832
OH, LOOK AT
THE LITTLE BABY.
393
00:15:06,901 --> 00:15:08,099
AREN'T YOU CUTE?
394
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:09,865
WHERE'S YOUR MOMMY?
395
00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:10,932
[Groans]
396
00:15:12,867 --> 00:15:14,732
[Students chattering]
397
00:15:14,801 --> 00:15:16,032
[Gasps]
398
00:15:20,733 --> 00:15:22,298
WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT SHIRT?
399
00:15:22,366 --> 00:15:23,732
NEIL'S GIVING
THEM OUT.
400
00:15:23,801 --> 00:15:25,032
HELLO, LOVER.
401
00:15:25,101 --> 00:15:26,898
NEIL! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
402
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,165
I'M NOT YOUR LOVER!
I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU!
403
00:15:29,234 --> 00:15:31,799
MEG, I STRONGLY SUGGEST
YOU HOLD MY HAND,
404
00:15:31,868 --> 00:15:33,266
LEST YOU LOOK
LIKE A SLUT.
405
00:15:33,335 --> 00:15:34,765
LISTEN, YOU FREAK!
406
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,165
TELL THESE PEOPLE THAT
THERE'S NOTHING GOING
ON BETWEEN US!
407
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:38,999
OH, DON'T BE AFRAID
OF THE FIRE, MEG.
408
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,299
I WON'T LET YOU BURN.
409
00:15:41,368 --> 00:15:43,065
[Groans]
410
00:15:43,134 --> 00:15:44,966
AL? WHY HAVEN'T
I LEAPED?
411
00:15:45,034 --> 00:15:46,531
ZIGGY SAYS YOU
CAN'T "LEAP"
412
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,832
UNTIL SHE LOVES
YOU BACK.
413
00:15:47,901 --> 00:15:49,399
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL GET HER.
414
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:54,032
SO, WHAT WERE YOU
WANTING TO WORK ON?
CARDIO, UPPER BODY, WHAT?
415
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:55,499
UPPER BODY,
DEFINITELY.
416
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:57,699
I--I NEED TO GET
BUFF SO I CAN GET
MY TRICYCLE BACK.
417
00:15:57,767 --> 00:15:59,365
LUCKILY WE'RE RUNNING
A SPECIAL RIGHT NOW
418
00:15:59,434 --> 00:16:01,998
FOR THE NEXT 17 MINUTES.
419
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:04,932
OK, THAT'S A LITTLE UNUSUAL,
BUT, UH, OK, TELL ME.
420
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,432
OK, THE NORMAL PLAN
IS 78 MONTHS
421
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:07,965
AT $40 A MONTH,
AND $200 DOWN.
422
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:10,231
WATCH THIS. FORGET THE
DOWN. ARE YOU WATCHING?
423
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:12,565
GOOD-BYE $40 A MONTH.
LET'S DO $35.
424
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:14,565
OK, $35. NOW,
THAT'S THE CHEAPEST?
425
00:16:14,634 --> 00:16:15,965
HANG ON. HANG ON.
426
00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:18,432
CAN YOU BRING ME
SOME OF THOSE FREE
GYM BAGS? THANKS.
427
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:20,999
I--I CAN PROBABLY
JUST DO SOME
PUSHUPS AT HOME--
428
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,298
OK, LET'S START WITH
THE COMPLETE
BODY-FAT TEST,
429
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:24,365
MAYBE A HEART RATE--
430
00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:25,632
YOU'RE ACTUALLY
NOT HEARING ME.
431
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:26,932
I DON'T THINK
THIS IS FOR ME.
432
00:16:27,001 --> 00:16:28,132
THANKS ANYWAY.
433
00:16:28,201 --> 00:16:29,765
AND, UH,
FOR THE FUTURE?
434
00:16:29,834 --> 00:16:31,631
YOU CAME ON
A LITTLE STRONG.
435
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:37,598
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
436
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:40,198
OH, WE INVITED NEIL'S
FAMILY OVER FOR DINNER.
437
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:41,399
HI!
HELLO!
438
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:42,498
YOU WHAT?
439
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:43,966
YEAH, WE WANTED TO GET
TO KNOW 'EM BETTER.
440
00:16:44,034 --> 00:16:46,599
SEEING AS HOW THE
TWO OF YOU WILL ONE
DAY BLESS OUR HOME
441
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:49,499
WITH THE PITTER-PATTER OF
SWEET LITTLE GRANDCHILDREN
AS UGLY AS SIN.
442
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:52,765
YOU NEVER TOLD ME
YOUR MOTHER WAS SUCH
A STONE-COLD FOX!
443
00:16:52,834 --> 00:16:54,265
NOW I SEE WHERE
YOU GET IT.
444
00:16:54,334 --> 00:16:56,631
[Laughs]
MEG, HE'S SO CHARMING.
445
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,632
MY NAME IS CHRIS.
446
00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:01,331
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY
BEST BEHAVIOR TONIGHT,
447
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,498
AND NOT MENTION POO.
448
00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:06,199
OH, GOD! WHAT
HAVE I DONE?
449
00:17:06,268 --> 00:17:08,765
[Laughs]
WELL, LET'S EAT.
450
00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,465
I THINK IT'S VERY,
VERY NICE
451
00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:12,832
THAT OUR
CHILDREN HAD THIS
WONDERFUL KISS.
452
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:15,665
I REMEMBER WHEN MURIEL
AND I HAD OUR FIRST KISS.
453
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:19,265
AND IT WAS JUST AWFUL.
OH, JUST AWFUL.
454
00:17:19,333 --> 00:17:22,099
WE WERE BOTH VERY SICK,
WEREN'T WE, DEAR?
455
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,265
OH, WE WERE
TERRIBLY SICK.
456
00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:26,632
WE WERE BOTH 14,
AND IT WAS WINTER,
457
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:29,166
AND WE HAD TERRIBLE
HEAD COLDS.
458
00:17:29,235 --> 00:17:31,365
YES. MINE ESPECIALLY
WAS VERY BAD.
459
00:17:31,434 --> 00:17:32,698
I HAD TERRIBLE MUCUS
460
00:17:32,767 --> 00:17:34,632
COMING OUT FROM
INSIDE MY NOSE.
461
00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:35,865
AND THE OTHER
CHILDREN,
462
00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:37,965
THEY WERE VERY NASTY
TO ME ABOUT THAT.
463
00:17:38,034 --> 00:17:40,132
THEY SAID BAD,
HURTFUL THINGS TO ME.
464
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,932
THEY CALLED ME
"TASTY CAKES"
465
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,232
AND THEY WOULD BEAT ME
466
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,632
AND STICK PINE
CONES IN MY ASS.
467
00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:47,932
THOSE WERE
VERY BAD TIMES.
468
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:49,832
OH, I'M SORRY
TO HEAR THAT.
469
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:51,766
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
470
00:17:51,834 --> 00:17:53,866
EXCUSE ME. I'M
GONNA GO THROW UP.
471
00:17:53,934 --> 00:17:56,765
AH, PLEASE FLUSH
THE TOILET TWICE.
472
00:17:56,834 --> 00:17:59,065
ONCE FOR THE BULK,
AND AGAIN FOR
THE REMAINDER.
473
00:17:59,134 --> 00:18:01,531
THANK YOU. OH,
SHE'S A DEAR.
474
00:18:02,634 --> 00:18:04,432
[Laughing]
475
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,232
HEY, YOU'RE BLOCKING MY
LIGHT, YOU STUPID BABY!
476
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:08,765
YOU KNOW, MY
HOOLIGAN FRIEND,
477
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:10,298
I'VE BEEN RACKING
MY BRAIN
478
00:18:10,366 --> 00:18:11,932
IN A THUS FAR
FRUITLESS ATTEMPT
479
00:18:12,001 --> 00:18:13,631
TO RESOLVE OUR
RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS.
480
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,066
THEN IT DAWNED ON ME.
481
00:18:15,134 --> 00:18:16,631
YOUR CRUELTY
MERELY STEMS
482
00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:18,631
FROM SOME DEEP-SEATED
INNER PAIN.
483
00:18:18,701 --> 00:18:19,899
SO, THE OBVIOUS REMEDY
484
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:21,765
IS A HEALTHY DOSE
OF OUTER PAIN!
485
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:22,832
AHH!
486
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:27,331
SCHOOL CHILDREN
WASHING CARS
487
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,765
TO RAISE MONEY
FOR CHARITY.
488
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:30,432
IS THERE ANYTHING
MORE AROUSING?
489
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:31,731
FINALLY, WE GO
TO MEG GRIFFIN
490
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,165
FOR A SPECIAL CHANNEL 5
491
00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:35,398
JUNIOR ANCHOR SEGMENT
ON THE MOON.
492
00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:36,898
MEG?
493
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:39,531
[Meg]
THE MOON. THERE'S A REASON
NO ONE GOES THERE.
494
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,498
IT'S COLD.
AND IT'S UGLY.
495
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,865
AND ITS SURFACE
IS PLAGUED
496
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:44,932
WITH DEEP CRATERS
AND JAGGED PEAKS.
497
00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:47,732
[Gasps]
OH, WAIT!
THAT'S NOT THE MOON.
498
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,065
IT'S NEIL
GOLDMAN'S FACE.
499
00:18:50,134 --> 00:18:51,865
RECENTLY, MANY
OF YOU SAW ME
500
00:18:51,934 --> 00:18:53,632
KISSING THIS
FREAK OF NATURE.
501
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,765
IF I DIDN'T THINK I WAS
SECONDS AWAY FROM DEATH,
502
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:56,932
I WOULD'VE
NEVER DONE IT.
503
00:18:57,001 --> 00:18:59,099
I MEAN, WHO IN THEIR
RIGHT MIND WOULD?
504
00:18:59,168 --> 00:19:01,531
WELL, I WENT TO THE
STREETS TO FIND OUT.
505
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,032
WOULD YOU
KISS THIS GUY?
506
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,099
UGH, NO.
507
00:19:04,168 --> 00:19:05,099
NO WAY!
508
00:19:05,168 --> 00:19:06,199
NO.
NO!
509
00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:07,465
NO.
NO.
510
00:19:07,534 --> 00:19:10,099
OH, GOD, NO! WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU? OH!
511
00:19:10,168 --> 00:19:12,999
IT'S OFFICIAL. NEIL
GOLDMAN IS UNKISSABLE.
512
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,865
HEAR THAT, NEIL?
I DON'T LIKE YOU,
AND I NEVER WILL!
513
00:19:15,934 --> 00:19:16,866
BACK TO YOU, TOM.
514
00:19:16,934 --> 00:19:18,266
THANK YOU, MEG.
515
00:19:18,335 --> 00:19:20,665
I GUESS BEGGARS
CAN BE CHOOSERS.
AND NOW THIS.
516
00:19:22,834 --> 00:19:23,899
WELL, WELL.
517
00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:25,966
ISN'T THIS
A DARLING PICTURE?
518
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,766
[Grunting]
LET ME GO, MAN!
519
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,431
TELL ME, HOW OLD
ARE YOU, CHARLIE?
520
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:30,599
7.
521
00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,565
7? WELL, MY, MY,
YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A LADY.
522
00:19:33,634 --> 00:19:36,231
IRONIC THAT YOUR FATE IS
IN THE HANDS OF AN INFANT.
523
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,132
NOW TELL ME WHERE
MY TRICYCLE IS!
524
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,498
I DON'T KNOW.
I LOST IT.
525
00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:41,799
AHH!
526
00:19:41,867 --> 00:19:44,464
VERY WELL.
I HAVE OTHER WAYS OF
OBTAINING THE TRUTH.
527
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:48,099
AHH! NO! DON'T!
528
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:50,932
STEWIE? LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
529
00:19:51,001 --> 00:19:52,832
[Gasps]
MY TRIKIE!
530
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,531
WHAT'S GOING
ON DOWN HERE?
531
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,732
UH, WE'RE
PLAYING HOUSE.
532
00:19:56,801 --> 00:19:58,199
THAT BOY IS
ALL TIED UP.
533
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,231
ROMAN POLANSKI'S
HOUSE.
534
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:04,133
GOOD EVENING.
I'M TOM TUCKER.
535
00:20:04,201 --> 00:20:06,498
OUR TOP STORY,
THE PRESIDENT
HAS BEEN SHOT.
536
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:07,498
[Clears throat]
537
00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:08,866
TRAGEDY STRIKES
THE NATION.
538
00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:10,665
THE PRESIDENT
HAS BEEN SHOT.
539
00:20:10,734 --> 00:20:12,531
WHAT'S THE PRESIDENT
DOING IN THIS CASKET?
540
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:14,199
WE'LL TELL YOU
RIGHT AFTER THIS.
541
00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:16,065
HEY, MEG, NICE JOB
ON THAT REPORT
LAST NIGHT.
542
00:20:16,134 --> 00:20:17,899
WOW! THANKS,
MR. TUCKER.
543
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,765
THAT MEANS SO MUCH
COMING FROM SOMEONE
544
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,398
AS HANDSOME
AS YOURSELF.
545
00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:23,832
SAY, HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO PICK UP A HANDSOME
MAN'S DRY CLEANING?
546
00:20:23,901 --> 00:20:26,632
WELL, SURE. BUT
ISN'T THAT NEIL'S JOB?
547
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:28,532
[Scoffs]
LITTLE JERK HASN'T
BEEN IN ALL DAY.
548
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:29,565
HE HASN'T?
549
00:20:29,634 --> 00:20:31,032
WE GOT A BREAKING STORY!
550
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:33,465
SOME GEEK ON TOP
OF TOWN HALL AND
HE'S ABOUT TO JUMP!
551
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,765
OH, MY GOD! NEIL!
552
00:20:36,834 --> 00:20:38,198
IS IT NEIL? HA.
553
00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:39,898
I'VE BEEN CALLING
HIM NED ALL WEEK.
554
00:20:41,634 --> 00:20:43,599
OH, MY GOD! NEIL,
PLEASE DON'T JUMP.
555
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,731
I WAS JUST A
PIECE OF EYE CANDY
556
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,466
THAT SHE TURNED INTO
AN ALL-DAY SUCKER.
557
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,199
AHH!
558
00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:51,266
[Screaming]
559
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:53,132
[Crowd gasps]
560
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,132
MR. TUCKER!
561
00:20:54,201 --> 00:20:55,498
THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE!
562
00:20:55,567 --> 00:20:57,364
SOMEONE'S GOTTA DO
SOMETHING! HE'LL FALL!
563
00:20:57,433 --> 00:20:58,632
I'M ON IT, MEG.
564
00:20:58,701 --> 00:21:01,132
HAVE THAT CARTOON
SOUND-EFFECT GUY
CUE UP THE...
565
00:21:01,201 --> 00:21:02,832
[Falling whistle]
566
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:03,932
THEN TOP IT OFF WITH A...
567
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,266
[Imitating splatting]
568
00:21:05,335 --> 00:21:07,299
AND IF THERE'S TIME
BEFORE COMMERCIAL,
BE READY WITH A...
569
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,432
♪[Imitating
muffled trumpet]
570
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:12,232
OH, MY GOD! YOU
DON'T CARE ABOUT
HIM AT ALL, DO YOU?
571
00:21:12,301 --> 00:21:14,332
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT
ARE YOUR STUPID RATINGS!
572
00:21:14,401 --> 00:21:16,565
YOU'RE A HORRIBLE MAN!
573
00:21:16,634 --> 00:21:18,165
NEIL, I'M SORRY!
574
00:21:18,234 --> 00:21:19,332
MEG?
575
00:21:19,401 --> 00:21:20,432
UH-OH!
576
00:21:20,501 --> 00:21:21,899
THERE HE GOES!
577
00:21:21,968 --> 00:21:23,932
GOOD STUFF, GOOD STUFF,
GOOD STUFF, GOOD STUFF!
578
00:21:24,001 --> 00:21:26,032
NEIL!
579
00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:29,098
MEG, YOU DO CARE!
580
00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:31,231
DON'T READ TOO
MUCH INTO THIS, NEIL.
581
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:32,565
WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO
582
00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:34,965
WHEN I'M LYING RIGHT
ON TOP OF YOU.
583
00:21:35,034 --> 00:21:37,099
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE REPULSIVE
584
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:39,565
AND THE MOST ANNOYING
PERSON ON THE PLANET,
585
00:21:39,634 --> 00:21:41,366
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY
PERSON WHO THINKS SO,
586
00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:44,165
THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I WANT YOU TO GO
AND KILL YOURSELF.
587
00:21:44,234 --> 00:21:45,532
AH, THANKS, MEG.
588
00:21:45,601 --> 00:21:47,631
BUT I WAS NEVER REALLY
PLANNING TO JUMP.
589
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:49,132
WASN'T
GONNA JUMP?
590
00:21:49,201 --> 00:21:50,531
YOU'RE A PHONY!
591
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:51,698
HEY, EVERYBODY!
592
00:21:51,767 --> 00:21:54,066
THIS GUY'S A GREAT
BIG PHONY!
593
00:21:56,067 --> 00:21:58,231
♪[Theme music playing]