1
00:00:01,467 --> 00:00:04,832
♪ IT SEEMS TODAY
THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪
2
00:00:04,901 --> 00:00:07,965
♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
AND SEX ON T.V. ♪
3
00:00:08,034 --> 00:00:11,898
♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪
4
00:00:11,967 --> 00:00:14,999
♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪
5
00:00:15,067 --> 00:00:17,899
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
6
00:00:17,968 --> 00:00:21,298
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO'LL
POSITIVELY TELL YOU ♪
7
00:00:21,366 --> 00:00:23,332
♪ ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE US ♪
8
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,832
♪ LAUGH 'N' CRY ♪
9
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:29,366
♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
10
00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:36,199
HI, CHRIS.
11
00:00:36,268 --> 00:00:38,865
H-H-H-HI, BARBARA.
12
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:42,199
I'M HAVING A BIRTHDAY
PARTY NEXT WEEK. I WAS
HOPING YOU COULD COME.
13
00:00:42,267 --> 00:00:45,432
OH, NO! SOMEONE
PEED IN MY PANTS!
14
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:46,798
[Laughing]
15
00:00:46,867 --> 00:00:49,698
YOU'RE FUNNY. WELL, I
HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT.
16
00:00:51,867 --> 00:00:54,431
YOUR FRIEND'S
BIRTHDAY PARTY SOUNDS
LIKE FUN, CHRIS.
17
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,298
YEAH, BUT I HOPE FOR
YOUR SAKE, THE CAKE'S
18
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:57,965
BETTER THAN THE
LAST PARTY I WENT TO.
19
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:00,531
[Screaming]
20
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,299
OH, GOD!
COCONUT!
21
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:05,965
I WANT TO GET BARBARA
A REALLY NICE GIFT.
22
00:01:06,034 --> 00:01:08,333
WHAT KIND OF GIFTS
HAVE BOYS GOTTEN
FOR YOU, MEG?
23
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,765
OH, WELL,
24
00:01:09,834 --> 00:01:13,631
MY BOYFRIEND, PRINCE WILLIAM,
GOT ME THIS BEAUTIFUL WATCH
25
00:01:13,701 --> 00:01:16,865
AND THIS DIAMOND TIARA,
AND THIS WONDERFUL SCEPTER.
26
00:01:16,934 --> 00:01:18,264
[Laughing]
27
00:01:19,934 --> 00:01:21,166
[Crying]
28
00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:25,665
SHE NEEDS TO
GET LAID, BIG-TIME.
29
00:01:25,734 --> 00:01:28,899
LISTEN, CHRIS, I READ A BOOK
SAYING THAT WOMEN ARE
FROM VENUS, ALL RIGHT?
30
00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:30,665
SO HERE'S WHAT YOU
GET HER. THICK LAYERS
31
00:01:30,734 --> 00:01:32,698
OF SULFURIC ACID,
VISCOUS SURFACE ROCK
32
00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:34,498
AND CORONAE WHICH
SEEM TO BE COLLAPSED
33
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:36,265
DOMES OVER LARGE
MAGMA CHAMBERS.
34
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:37,365
HERE'S $5.
35
00:01:37,434 --> 00:01:38,665
WELL, THAT'S
OK, DAD.
36
00:01:38,734 --> 00:01:40,698
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
GETTING A PAPER ROUTE,
37
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,732
SO I COULD PAY FOR
BARBARA'S GIFT MYSELF.
38
00:01:42,801 --> 00:01:45,299
OH, WELL I THINK
THAT'S VERY
SWEET, HONEY.
39
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:47,298
OH, BOY! I REMEMBER
MY FIRST JOB.
40
00:01:47,366 --> 00:01:49,098
I WAS IN A FOLK-MUSIC TRIO.
41
00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:51,765
HEY, HOW ABOUT
"HERE'S TO YOU,
MRS. FLECKENSTEIN"?
42
00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:53,731
YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN
PITCHING THAT
FOR AN HOUR.
43
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,532
BUT IT'S
JUST NOT A VERY
ATTRACTIVE NAME.
44
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:56,765
OH, OH, FINE.
FINE.
45
00:01:56,834 --> 00:01:58,865
I--I--I SUPPOSE
WE'RE ALSO NOT
GOING WITH
46
00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:01,999
"PARSLEY, SAGE,
ROSEMARY, AND LOWREY'S
SEASONING SALT."
47
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:03,965
THAT'S IT. I'M
GOING TO 'NAM.
48
00:02:08,901 --> 00:02:12,632
OH, HEY THERE, YOUNG
FELLA. BRINGING ME
GOOD NEWS TODAY?
49
00:02:12,701 --> 00:02:13,665
WHAT?
50
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,198
COME ON OVER
HERE, SON.
51
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:18,465
HAND ME THE PAPER, SO I
DON'T NEED TO USE MY GRABBER.
52
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:19,732
MMM.
53
00:02:19,801 --> 00:02:22,264
THAT'S A NICE MUSCLY
THROWING ARM
YOU GOT THERE.
54
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:23,565
UH, THANKS.
55
00:02:23,633 --> 00:02:26,099
GOT A NICE TIP
FOR YOU RIGHT
HERE IN MY POCKET.
56
00:02:26,168 --> 00:02:27,665
BUT MY ARTHRITIS...
57
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:30,732
WHY DON'T YOU REACH
IN THERE AND FISH IT
OUT FOR YOURSELF?
58
00:02:30,801 --> 00:02:32,364
OH, THAT'S
OK, MISTER.
59
00:02:32,433 --> 00:02:35,732
I DON'T COLLECT UNTIL
THE END OF THE MONTH.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
60
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:36,832
WEIRD.
61
00:02:37,734 --> 00:02:39,099
♪[Techno-pop music playing]
62
00:02:40,534 --> 00:02:42,265
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
63
00:02:42,334 --> 00:02:44,999
WOW, PERFUME!
THAT IS SO SWEET.
64
00:02:45,068 --> 00:02:47,365
IT'LL MAKE
YOU SMELL LIKE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
65
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:50,332
I GUESS THAT MEANS
YOU'LL SMELL LIKE
BOURBON AND VICODIN.
66
00:02:50,401 --> 00:02:51,765
THAT'S VERY
THOUGHTFUL.
67
00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:53,265
CAN I SPRAY
SOME ON YOU?
68
00:02:53,334 --> 00:02:54,866
OH, MY EYES!
69
00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:56,233
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!
70
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,298
AH! JUST GET AWAY
FROM ME, CHRIS!
71
00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:01,099
[Crying]
OH, I'M SO
AWKWARD!
72
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:07,765
HEY, MUSCLY ARM,
WHY THE LONG FACE?
73
00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:10,965
OH, IT'S THIS GIRL. I
CAN'T TALK TO HER.
74
00:03:11,034 --> 00:03:13,731
IT'S LIKE GIRLS ARE
A DIFFERENT SPECIES
OR SOMETHING.
75
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,632
OH, WHO NEEDS THEM?
YOU LIKE POPSICLES?
76
00:03:16,701 --> 00:03:17,765
WELL, SURE.
77
00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:19,832
THEN YOU NEED TO COME
ON DOWN TO THE CELLAR.
78
00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:22,865
I GOT A WHOLE FREEZER
FULL OF POPSICLES.
79
00:03:22,934 --> 00:03:23,965
MMM.
80
00:03:24,034 --> 00:03:26,066
NO, THANKS. I
GOTTA GET GOING.
81
00:03:26,134 --> 00:03:28,465
OH, DON'T MAKE
ME BEG, NOW.
82
00:03:28,534 --> 00:03:31,065
HA, HA, HA!
YOU'RE FUNNY. BYE.
83
00:03:32,267 --> 00:03:34,364
GET YOUR FAT ASS BACK HERE.
84
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,599
THIS IS A HOLDUP!
OPEN THE REGISTER!
85
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,698
I CAN'T! IT ONLY
OPENS WHEN YOU
MAKE A SALE!
86
00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:46,264
ALL RIGHT, THEN GIVE
ME ONE OF THEM
HOROSCOPE SCROLLS
87
00:03:46,333 --> 00:03:47,999
AND SOME
SKITTLES!
88
00:03:48,068 --> 00:03:50,898
"FINANCIAL TRANSACTION
BENEFITS YOU TODAY."
89
00:03:50,967 --> 00:03:51,965
OOO!
90
00:03:52,034 --> 00:03:53,232
WEIRD!
91
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:58,032
[Siren wailing]
92
00:03:58,101 --> 00:03:59,099
[Tires screeching]
93
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,932
ALL RIGHT, A BIKE!
I'M OUT OF HERE!
94
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:09,932
NOW, SON, YOUR
PARENTS ARE ON
THEIR WAY.
95
00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:12,099
BUT SINCE TIME
IS A FACTOR HERE,
WE'D LIKE
96
00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:14,232
TO GET A POSITIVE
I.D. AS QUICKLY
AS POSSIBLE.
97
00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:17,399
ARE YOU SURE
HE CAN'T SEE ME?
98
00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:20,032
ABSOLUTELY,
CHRIS. YOU'RE
100 PERCENT SAFE.
99
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,665
OKAY,
THAT'S HIM.
NUMBER 6.
100
00:04:22,734 --> 00:04:24,665
[Peter]
HI. UH, EXCUSE ME,
YOU GUYS.
101
00:04:24,733 --> 00:04:26,898
YEAH, I'M HERE TO PICK UP
MY SON, CHRIS GRIFFIN.
102
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,999
UH, HE'S HERE TO FINGER
THE GUY WHO HELD UP
THAT CONVENIENCE STORE.
103
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:32,331
M-MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN HIM.
HIS NAME IS CHRIS GRIFFIN.
104
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,631
WAIT A SEC, YOU KNOW, I
THINK I GOT A PICTURE OF HIM
SOMEWHERE. HERE YOU GO.
105
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,731
YEAH, YOU CAN GO AHEAD
AND HANG ON TO THAT. I GOT
A TON OF THEM AT HOME.
106
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,865
IN FACT, I WAS GONNA THROW
THAT ONE OUT ANYWAY,
'CAUSE CHRIS MESSED IT UP
107
00:04:41,934 --> 00:04:45,332
BY WRITING HIS SCHOOL
SCHEDULE AND A LIST OF HIS
FEARS ALL OVER THE BACK OF IT.
108
00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:52,698
OH, WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU,
CHRIS, FOR HELPING TO PUT
THAT HORRIBLE MAN IN JAIL.
109
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:55,132
JEEZ, YOU COULDN'T HAVE
SAID IT WAS CELINE DION. HUH?
110
00:04:55,201 --> 00:04:58,432
O-OUR ONE CHANCE TO
PUT THAT SHOWBOATING
CANADIAN WENCH BEHIND BARS,
111
00:04:58,500 --> 00:04:59,899
AND YOU BLOW IT.
112
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,598
[Man]
WE NOW RETURN TO THE E!
TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY.
113
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:04,164
ALF.
114
00:05:04,233 --> 00:05:07,431
B-BY--BY THE 3RD SEASON,
I WAS COMPLETELY
WASTED ALL THE TIME.
115
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:10,732
I--I--I HAD LOST ALL CONTROL
OF MY BODILY FUNCTIONS.
116
00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:13,899
THEY HAD TO CUT THE
CRAP OUT OF MY FUR
BEFORE EACH TAPING.
117
00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:16,399
BUT, UH, WOULD I
DO IT ALL AGAIN?
118
00:05:16,467 --> 00:05:18,832
WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM
FOR A BREAKING NEWS STORY.
119
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,832
WE NOW GO LIVE TO
THE RHODE ISLAND
120
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:22,766
STATE PENITENTIARY,
WHERE ASIAN REPORTER
121
00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:25,465
TRISHA TAKANAWA IS
STANDING BY. TRISHA?
122
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:28,665
TOM, I'M OUTSIDE THIS
MAXIMUM-SECURITY FACILITY,
123
00:05:28,734 --> 00:05:30,365
WHERE A RUTHLESS THUG HAS
124
00:05:30,433 --> 00:05:32,399
ENGINEERED A
DARING ESCAPE.
125
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:34,099
SIR, DO YOU
HAVE ANY PLANS,
126
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,766
NOW THAT YOU'RE
OUT OF JAIL?
127
00:05:35,834 --> 00:05:37,799
YEAH. I'M GONNA GO
BANG MY GIRLFRIEND,
128
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:40,066
AND THEN I'M GONNA
KILL CHRIS GRIFFIN!
129
00:05:40,134 --> 00:05:42,066
GOOD LORD!
130
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,398
CAN THEY REALLY SAY "BANG
MY GIRLFRIEND" ON T.V.?
131
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,598
YOU WANT TO
REMOVE US FROM
THE AREA?
132
00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:54,431
YES, MA'AM. THIS CRIMINAL
WILL STOP AT NOTHING
TO FIND YOUR SON.
133
00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:57,232
SO WE'RE PLACING YOUR
FAMILY IN THE WITNESS
PROTECTION PROGRAM.
134
00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:58,999
OH, IS EUROPE
AN OPTION?
135
00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:01,899
I SAY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO SPEND A YEAR IN PRAGUE
TEACHING ENGLISH.
136
00:06:01,968 --> 00:06:04,531
YOU KNOW, SLACKING
OFF A BIT, BUT REALLY
GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF.
137
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:07,966
WELL, UNTIL WE CATCH THIS
GUY, YOU'LL BE RELOCATED
TO THE DEEP SOUTH.
138
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,398
[All moaning]
139
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:10,998
DEEP SOUTH?
140
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,965
IS-ISN'T THAT THE PLACE
WHERE THE BLACK GUYS
ARE REALLY LAZY
141
00:06:13,034 --> 00:06:14,865
AND ALL THE WHITE
GUYS ARE JUST AS LAZY,
142
00:06:14,933 --> 00:06:17,098
BUT THEY'RE MAD
AT THE BLACK GUYS
FOR BEING SO LAZY?
143
00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:18,832
JENKINS AND I
HAVE BEEN
ASSIGNED TO LIVE
144
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,832
HERE AND WATCH
YOUR HOUSE WHILE
YOU'RE GONE.
145
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:22,499
EVEN THOUGH HE'S A
SLOVENLY LIBERAL,
146
00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:24,198
AND I'M A FASTIDIOUS
CONSERVATIVE.
147
00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:25,966
I SMELL A SITCOM!
148
00:06:26,034 --> 00:06:28,399
I SUGGEST YOU
START PACKING
IMMEDIATELY.
149
00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:34,232
I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE
TO CHANGE SCHOOLS
BECAUSE OF YOU!
150
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:35,932
THIS IS ALL YOUR
FAULT, LARDO!
151
00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:37,565
ME? I HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
152
00:06:37,634 --> 00:06:38,731
NO. I MEANT CHRIS!
153
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:39,832
OH.
154
00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:41,298
YEAH, LARDO!
155
00:06:41,366 --> 00:06:44,731
LOOK, EVERYBODY.
HERE WE ARE. THE
TOWN OF BUMBLESCUM.
156
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:52,065
[Tires screech]
157
00:06:53,233 --> 00:06:54,632
[Meg]
THIS IS OUR HOUSE?
158
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,265
OH, COME ON, MEG!
159
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,099
I BET IF WE FIXED IT UP
A LITTLE BIT, IT COULD
BE A PIECE OF CRAP.
160
00:07:01,101 --> 00:07:02,264
[Flies buzzing]
161
00:07:03,168 --> 00:07:04,731
OH, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
162
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:06,999
IT'S EITHER
BAD MEAT OR
GOOD CHEESE.
163
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:10,466
THERE'S A PENNY
UNDERNEATH THAT COUCH.
164
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:12,932
[All screaming]
165
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,632
SOMEBODY'S IN
THE CLOSET!
166
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:18,565
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK
WHEN YOUR GUN RACK
HAS A GUN RACK ON IT!
167
00:07:18,634 --> 00:07:20,032
YOU SUCK!
168
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:22,732
[Hissing noise]
169
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:23,799
OH, MY!
170
00:07:23,867 --> 00:07:25,799
WELL, IT'S TOO
HOT TO COOK ANYWAY.
171
00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:29,065
PETER, WHAT'S
THE UPSTAIRS LIKE?
172
00:07:29,134 --> 00:07:31,398
THERE'S A CRUNCHBERRY
UNDERNEATH THE FRIDGE.
173
00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:34,798
MOM, CHRIS FOUND A
JAR IN THE BASEMENT!
AND IT HAS A HAND IN IT!
174
00:07:34,867 --> 00:07:38,431
I'M GONNA PLANT
IT AND SEE IF A
HUMAN GROWS!
175
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:42,065
WELL, AT LEAST THE T.V.
GETS DECENT RECEPTION.
176
00:07:42,134 --> 00:07:43,898
HA! MUST BE SOME
KIND OF NATURE SHOW.
177
00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:44,966
AH! AH!
178
00:07:45,034 --> 00:07:46,365
HELP! HELP! GET
IT OFF! GET IF OFF!
179
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:47,531
AHH!
180
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,165
[Meg]
GREAT! WE'RE
HERE 5 MINUTES,
181
00:07:49,233 --> 00:07:51,065
AND DAD GETS
MAULED BY
A RODENT.
182
00:07:51,134 --> 00:07:52,465
THIS
PLACE IS
HORRIBLE.
183
00:07:52,534 --> 00:07:54,265
OK. NOW,
EVERYBODY
CALM DOWN.
184
00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:56,931
WE DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT
THIS COMMUNITY.
185
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,831
I BET IF WE EXPLORE
THE TOWN, WE'LL EACH FIND
SOMETHING ABOUT IT WE LIKE.
186
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:03,665
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A
GREAT IDEA, LOIS. I
JUST GOT TO HIT THE CAN.
187
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:05,632
UH, I THINK THERE'S JUST
AN OUTHOUSE, PETER.
188
00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,198
HEY, UH, LOIS, I DON'T
GET HOW THIS WORKS.
189
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:13,865
IT'S JUST A HOLE.
I DON'T THINK
IT GOES ANYWHERE.
190
00:08:13,934 --> 00:08:16,198
NO, IT DEFINITELY
DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE.
191
00:08:16,267 --> 00:08:17,331
[Liquid sloshing]
192
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:18,298
OH!
193
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:19,498
OH, GOD!
194
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:22,165
OH, IT'S
EVERYWHERE!
195
00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:23,231
AHH!
196
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,698
IT'S IN MY
RACCOON WOUNDS!
197
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:27,065
OH, GOD!
198
00:08:29,534 --> 00:08:31,531
EXCUSE ME. DO
YOU HAVE AN A.T.M.?
199
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,099
OVER THERE,
MA'AM.
200
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:34,399
HOW MUCH YOU
WANT TO TAKE OUT?
201
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:35,632
$40.
202
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:38,932
THERE'S A SERVICE
CHARGE OF $1.50.
DO Y'ALL ACCEPT?
203
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,165
YES.
204
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:41,432
MMM.
205
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,898
YOU SMELL LIKE
THE INSIDE OF MY
MAMA'S PURSE.
206
00:08:43,967 --> 00:08:46,232
UH, HA, HA!
THANK YOU.
207
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:47,932
♪[Banjo playing]
208
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,998
WHAT ARE THOSE
DULCET TONES?
209
00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:52,799
WHY, THIS IS THE
MUSIC OF THE ANGELS!
210
00:08:52,868 --> 00:08:55,098
WHAT IS THAT
MAGICAL DEVICE?
211
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,165
BANJO.
212
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,698
PLUCK THAT STRING.
213
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:03,399
OH! I FEEL SO
DELICIOUSLY
WHITE TRASH!
214
00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:05,366
MOMMY, I WANT
A MULLET!
215
00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:09,331
ALL RIGHT, THAT
ABOUT DOES IT.
216
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,199
ISN'T SHE
BEAUTIFUL, BRIAN?
217
00:09:11,268 --> 00:09:12,832
THE DUKE BOYS WOULD
BE PROUD, PETER.
218
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,365
YEAH, AND YOU GOT TO
GET IN THROUGH THE
WINDOW, LIKE THIS.
219
00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,299
OK. NOW YOU.
220
00:09:18,667 --> 00:09:20,865
OH, SORRY. I FORGOT
TO ROLL YOURS DOWN.
221
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:23,032
YOU ALL RIGHT?
222
00:09:24,734 --> 00:09:26,464
HELLO?
223
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,331
WAKE UP,
SLEEPYHEAD.
224
00:09:32,367 --> 00:09:33,298
HI.
225
00:09:33,366 --> 00:09:34,899
HI.
226
00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:36,399
ARE YOU MAD
AT THAT POND?
227
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:37,866
SHOOT, NO!
228
00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:40,166
OF COURSE, THIS
POND DID KILL
MY GRANDPAPPY.
229
00:09:40,234 --> 00:09:43,032
HE SAW HIS REFLECTION
IN THE WATER, THOUGHT
IT WAS HIM,
230
00:09:43,101 --> 00:09:44,932
AND DROWNED
TRYING TO
SAVE HIMSELF.
231
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,632
THAT'S WHY MY MOM
DOESN'T LET ME
LOOK IN THE TOILET.
232
00:09:47,701 --> 00:09:48,565
I'M SAM.
233
00:09:48,634 --> 00:09:49,598
I'M CHRIS.
234
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:51,632
SAM, COME
ON IN, NOW.
235
00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:54,731
WELL, I GOTTA GO HELP
MY DADDY BRING IN
THE MUD HARVEST.
236
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,398
NICE MAKING YOUR
ACQUAINTANCE, CHRIS.
237
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,232
OH, MY GOD! I'M DROWNING!
238
00:10:00,301 --> 00:10:01,365
UGH!
239
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,299
[Man on radio]
AND THAT WAS MERLE HAGGARD,
240
00:10:04,368 --> 00:10:06,632
WITH I KISSED MY
SWEETIE WITH MY FIST.
241
00:10:06,701 --> 00:10:07,932
COMING UP NEXT--
242
00:10:08,001 --> 00:10:09,866
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S ONE.
LET'S JUMP THAT.
243
00:10:12,234 --> 00:10:13,265
[Man]
OOH!
244
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:14,632
[Both]
YEE...
245
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,132
HAW!
246
00:10:17,134 --> 00:10:18,266
[Tires screeching]
247
00:10:18,335 --> 00:10:19,932
OH, THAT WAS GREAT!
248
00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:23,032
HEY, NEXT TIME, LET'S GET
MEG TO BE BOSS HOGG,
AND CHRIS CAN BE ANUS.
249
00:10:23,101 --> 00:10:24,232
ENOS.
WHAT'D I SAY?
250
00:10:24,301 --> 00:10:25,199
ANUS.
251
00:10:25,268 --> 00:10:26,199
[Laughing]
252
00:10:29,234 --> 00:10:31,531
ALL RIGHT, CLASS.
WE HAVE A NEW
STUDENT JOINING US.
253
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,865
EVERYONE PLEASE WELCOME
MEGAN GRIFFIN...
254
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,598
FROM THE NORTH.
255
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:37,132
[All]
WOW!
256
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:40,065
WHAT'S IT LIKE UP THERE?
Y'ALL GOT THEM
TALKING PICTURES?
257
00:10:40,134 --> 00:10:41,432
AND FLYING MACHINES?
258
00:10:41,501 --> 00:10:43,432
AND PERFUME FOR
YOUR ARMPITS?
259
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:44,866
WE SURE DO.
260
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:46,499
[All]
OH!
261
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:48,865
[Teacher]
ALL RIGHT, CLASS. THAT'S
ENOUGH QUESTIONS FOR MEGAN.
262
00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:51,198
TIME TO HAND BACK LAST
WEEK'S SPELLING TESTS.
263
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,698
AND IT LOOKS LIKE OINK
HAS SET THE CURVE AGAIN.
264
00:10:53,768 --> 00:10:54,665
OH, DANG!
265
00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:55,899
THAT IS
SOME SMART
PIG.
266
00:10:55,967 --> 00:10:57,432
[Boy]
GOOD THING I
COPIED OFF OF OINKY.
267
00:10:59,466 --> 00:11:00,832
TAH-DAH!
268
00:11:00,901 --> 00:11:04,565
POSSUM SURPRISE.
ACTUALLY, I MADE IT
WITH SHAKE-N-BAKE.
269
00:11:04,634 --> 00:11:06,232
AND I HELPED!
270
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,898
KIDS, WHERE'S
YOUR FATHER?
271
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,398
[Peter and Brian]
YEE...
272
00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:11,831
HAW!
273
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:14,065
OH! PETER, WHAT
THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING?
274
00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:16,465
I'M BLENDING IN. RELAX,
LOIS, IT'S NOT OUR HOUSE.
275
00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:19,465
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HAVING FUN, BUT WE NEED
SOME MONEY COMING IN.
276
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,332
HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT LOOKING
FOR A JOB?
277
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,799
YES, LOIS, I HAVE.
278
00:11:22,867 --> 00:11:25,565
BUT I'VE ALSO THOUGHT
ABOUT GETTING FIRED
FROM THAT JOB.
279
00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:28,032
IS THAT SOMETHING
YOU REALLY WANT TO PUT
OUR FAMILY THROUGH?
280
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:30,266
THINK ABOUT THAT WHILE
I GET MYSELF A DRINK.
281
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:33,498
AH! AH! OH, GOD!
AH! AH! AH!
282
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:36,032
IT'S RIGHT UP
HERE PAST THIS
CLEARING.
283
00:11:36,101 --> 00:11:38,431
HE'S BEEN HERE
ABOUT 3 MONTHS NOW.
284
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,565
WOW! WHERE DO
YOU THINK YOU GO
WHEN YOU DIE?
285
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:44,399
I LEARNT AT CHURCH
THAT IF YOU'RE GOOD,
YOU GO TO HEAVEN.
286
00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:46,866
BUT IF YOU'RE BAD,
YOU GO TO A PLACE
287
00:11:46,934 --> 00:11:48,832
WHERE THE DEAD
BELIEVE THEY'RE
STILL LIVING,
288
00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:52,265
AND THEY PRAY FOR DEATH,
BUT DEATH WON'T COME.
289
00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:53,299
U.P.N.?
290
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:54,631
[Laughing]
291
00:11:54,701 --> 00:11:57,065
YOU'RE FUNNY. I
LIKE YOU, CHRIS.
292
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,799
I LIKE YOU TOO, SAM.
293
00:11:58,868 --> 00:11:59,799
WANT TO POKE HIM?
294
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:00,899
DO I?
295
00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:07,365
YOU KNOW, IT'S TRUE.
THE BEST THINGS IN
LIFE REALLY ARE FREE.
296
00:12:08,934 --> 00:12:10,832
I DON'T KNOW BRIAN.
MAYBE LOIS IS RIGHT.
297
00:12:10,901 --> 00:12:12,865
MAYBE IT IS TIME
FOR ME TO GET A JOB.
298
00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:14,932
YEAH, TOO BAD YOU
ALWAYS BLOW IT
IN THE INTERVIEW.
299
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,199
SO, PETER, WHERE
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF
IN 5 YEARS?
300
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:21,198
DON'T SAY, "DOING YOUR WIFE."
DON'T SAY, "DOING YOUR WIFE."
DON'T SAY, "DOING YOUR WIFE."
301
00:12:21,267 --> 00:12:22,632
DOING YOUR...
302
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:23,698
SON?
303
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:26,366
HEY, BRIAN,
LOOK AT THAT!
304
00:12:27,667 --> 00:12:28,932
Y'ALL INTERESTED?
305
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,132
WE JUST TAKE TURNS
BEING THE SHERIFF.
IT'S REAL EASY.
306
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,732
YOU JUST HANG OUT
HERE, EAT SOME PIE,
AND GET DRUNK.
307
00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:38,431
WAIT. HOLD ON A SECOND.
"PIE," "DRUNK," "THE"?
308
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,298
YOU GOT YOURSELF
A SHERIFF!
309
00:12:41,301 --> 00:12:43,832
BOY, IT'S SO
QUIET AROUND HERE!
310
00:12:43,901 --> 00:12:44,999
I KNOW.
311
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:48,066
TH-THE PHONE
HASN'T RANG ALL DAY.
312
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:51,099
I KN--I KNOW.
THERE'S NOTHING--
NOTHING TO, UM...
313
00:12:52,934 --> 00:12:54,166
TO, UH...
314
00:12:56,268 --> 00:12:57,531
UM...
315
00:12:59,367 --> 00:13:01,565
OH. OH, BOY! WHAT'S
THE WORD I'M
LOOKING FOR?
316
00:13:01,634 --> 00:13:02,598
"DO"!
317
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:04,965
OH, BRIAN, Y-Y-YOU'RE
DRUNK. YOU'RE DRUNK.
318
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:06,698
G-GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.
319
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,231
WHAT IS
THIS, DAD?
320
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:14,098
A SOUTHERN TRADITION,
SON. IT'S A REENACTMENT
OF THE CIVIL WAR.
321
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,465
ROBERT E. LEE, I
KNEW I'D FIND YOU HERE,
322
00:13:18,533 --> 00:13:20,698
WHERE THEY SEAT
THE SORRY-ASS LOSERS!
323
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,431
[Laughing]
324
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,598
ULYSSES S. GRANT,
YOU INVITE ME TO LUNCH
325
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:28,265
THEN SHOW UP AN
HOUR LATE, DRUNK?
326
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:31,498
I WAS BUSY LOOKING
FOR YOUR WIFE TO
GIVE HER THE OLD--
327
00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:33,365
[Groaning]
328
00:13:33,434 --> 00:13:35,532
SIR, THIS
MEANS WAR!
329
00:13:36,234 --> 00:13:37,332
I AM VANQUISHED.
330
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,665
I HEREBY
DECLARE VICTORY
331
00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:42,232
IN THE NAME OF
THE CONFEDERACY!
332
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,631
[All cheering]
333
00:13:45,168 --> 00:13:46,998
UH, EXCUSE ME.
334
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:49,998
UH, UH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
HOW IT HAPPENED. I-I'M PRETTY
SURE THE NORTH WON.
335
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:51,466
WHAT ARE YOU
SAYING, FELLA?
336
00:13:51,534 --> 00:13:54,165
I'M SAYING THAT
DRUNKEN IDIOT KICKED
YOUR SORRY ASSES
337
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,932
SOUTH OF THE
DONNA DIXON LINE!
338
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,632
WE DON'T TAKE TOO
KINDLY TO THAT SORT
OF TALK, MISTER.
339
00:13:58,701 --> 00:14:02,398
AND I SURE AS SHOOT DON'T
WANT YOUR KID HANGING
AROUND WITH MY KID.
340
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,431
AND IF YOU THINK
I'M MAD NOW, YOU GOT
341
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:06,498
TO ANSWER TO THEM
CIVIL WAR SURVIVORS!
342
00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,565
[Survivors]
YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
343
00:14:08,633 --> 00:14:10,465
DUH, UH--UH, WAIT!
LOOK OVER THERE!
344
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:11,898
IT'S A NEWLY
MARRIED, INTERRACIAL
345
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,932
GAY COUPLE BURNING
THE AMERICAN FLAG!
346
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,265
[All gasping]
347
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:18,298
GET 'EM!
348
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,331
I GUESS WE CAN'T
HANG OUT ANYMORE.
349
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,465
I GUESS NOT.
350
00:14:24,534 --> 00:14:25,731
THAT SUCKS!
351
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,831
'CAUSE I REALLY
LIKE SPENDING TIME
WITH YOU.
352
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,132
ME, TOO.
353
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:32,298
MMM! MMM! MMM!
MMM! OH!
354
00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:33,999
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
355
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,232
[Car engine revving]
356
00:14:38,968 --> 00:14:41,531
[Uncle Jesse]
NOW THEM GRIFFIN BOYS
BETTER GROW SOME WINGS
357
00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:43,966
OR START FLAPPING THEIR ARMS.
358
00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:50,698
LOST 'EM!
359
00:14:50,768 --> 00:14:51,999
DAG-BLASTED
LINCOLN LOVERS!
360
00:14:52,068 --> 00:14:53,265
ANYONE SEEN
MY FOOT?
361
00:14:55,268 --> 00:14:57,166
"MAN, WAS LAST NIGHT WEIRD!
362
00:14:57,235 --> 00:15:01,166
"I KISSED A BOY. BUT THE
TRUTH IS, I REALLY LIKE
HIM AS A FRIEND.
363
00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:02,598
"HIS NAME IS SAM."
364
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:03,865
YOU KISSED SAM
LAST NIGHT?
365
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,432
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
366
00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:07,865
WELL, YOU'RE SAYING IT OUT
LOUD. I COULD HEAR YOU
IN THE OTHER ROOM.
367
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:11,331
Y0U KNOW, THE WEIRD
THING IS, KISSING SAM
KIND OF FELT RIGHT.
368
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,865
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF
I CAN FACE HIM AGAIN.
BRIAN, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
369
00:15:14,934 --> 00:15:17,932
I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS CONFUSED
SINCE THE END OF NO WAY OUT!
370
00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:22,932
HOW DOES
KEVIN COSTNER
KEEP GETTING WORK?
371
00:15:27,201 --> 00:15:28,665
AH! HOW DO I SHOOT?
HOW DO I SHOOT?
372
00:15:28,733 --> 00:15:29,832
PRESS "B"!
"B" BUTTON!
373
00:15:29,901 --> 00:15:31,765
[Knocking on door]
374
00:15:31,833 --> 00:15:33,032
TELEGRAM FOR
CHRIS GRIFFIN.
375
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,265
OH, HE'S NOT HERE.
376
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:35,365
WELL, WHERE
IS HE?
377
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:36,865
I CAN'T RELEASE
THAT INFORMATION.
378
00:15:36,934 --> 00:15:40,565
OH, UH, DID I SAY CHRIS?
I MEANT CHRIS'S SISTER.
379
00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:45,032
OH! OH, WELL, IF IT'S FOR MEG,
THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY.
HERE'S HER ADDRESS.
380
00:15:45,101 --> 00:15:46,099
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
381
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:47,665
YOU WERE BUSY, SO
I PLAYED YOUR GUY.
382
00:15:47,733 --> 00:15:49,098
FINE, I DIDN'T WANT
TO PLAY ANYWAY!
383
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:50,698
WELL, THEN IT WORKED
OUT FOR EVERYBODY!
384
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:52,565
I'M GONNA GO
DRAW BOOBS ON
THE ETCH-A-SKETCH!
385
00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:54,132
GO AHEAD, THEY
ALWAYS COME
OUT SQUARE!
386
00:15:55,434 --> 00:15:56,966
OH, HI, CHRIS.
387
00:15:57,034 --> 00:15:58,098
HEY.
388
00:15:58,167 --> 00:15:59,832
UM, LISTEN, SAM.
389
00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:01,799
I LIKE HANGING OUT
WITH YOU AND ALL.
390
00:16:01,867 --> 00:16:05,265
IT'S JUST THAT
I DON'T WANT A
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.
391
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:07,432
BUT I'D LIKE IT IF WE
COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.
392
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,732
I'D LIKE
THAT, TOO.
393
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:09,932
WANT TO GO
FOR A SWIM?
394
00:16:10,001 --> 00:16:11,098
SURE.
395
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:14,799
[Gasping]
396
00:16:14,867 --> 00:16:16,199
YOU'RE A GIRL?
397
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:17,832
OF COURSE I AM!
398
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:19,264
OH, MY GOD!
399
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,999
♪[Tuning banjo]
400
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:25,364
WARM OUT TODAY.
401
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:28,231
WARM YESTERDAY.
402
00:16:29,001 --> 00:16:30,699
EVEN WARMER TODAY.
403
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:32,831
♪[Playing music]
404
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:35,899
♪ MET HER ON MY C.B.,
SAID HER NAME WAS VENIE ♪
405
00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:38,299
♪ SOUNDED LIKE AN
ANGEL COME TO EARTH ♪
406
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:39,631
♪ COME TO EARTH ♪
407
00:16:39,701 --> 00:16:42,966
♪ WHEN I WENT TO MEET HER, MAN
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER ♪
408
00:16:43,034 --> 00:16:45,132
♪ TWICE AS TALL AS
ME, 3 TIMES THE GIRTH ♪
409
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,265
♪ GIRTH ♪
410
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,298
♪ OH, MY FAT BABY
LOVES TO EAT ♪
411
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:49,966
♪ LOVES TO EAT ♪
412
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:52,065
♪ A BIG OL' BUDDHA BELLY
AND HER BREASTS
SWING PAST HER FEET ♪
413
00:16:52,134 --> 00:16:52,966
♪ FEET ♪
414
00:16:53,034 --> 00:16:55,899
♪ MY FAT BABY
LOVES TO EAT ♪
415
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,565
♪ MY BIG OL', FAT-ASS
BABY LOVES TO EAT ♪
416
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:03,232
I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
417
00:17:05,068 --> 00:17:07,365
A DROP MORE OF
THE SHINE, MY DEAR?
418
00:17:07,434 --> 00:17:08,899
YES, PLEASE.
419
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:10,365
YOU KNOW, UH, THE
KIDS ARE GONNA BE
420
00:17:10,434 --> 00:17:12,198
AT THAT TOWN
SOCIAL FOR A WHILE.
421
00:17:12,267 --> 00:17:14,598
I THINK I KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE
GOING.
422
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:15,998
[Laughing]
423
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:17,599
AH! AH!
424
00:17:17,667 --> 00:17:19,432
OH, GOD! AH! AH!
425
00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:20,632
[Telephone ringing]
426
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:21,565
HELLO?
427
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:22,765
HELLO,
MRS. GRIFFIN?
428
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,198
YEAH. SHH.
SHUT UP. YOU
GUYS, SHUT UP.
429
00:17:25,266 --> 00:17:27,665
YEAH, HI. UH, THIS
IS THE F.B.I. CALLING
FROM YOUR HOUSE.
430
00:17:27,733 --> 00:17:28,631
[Peter]
OH, GOD!
431
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:30,598
OH, HI. HOW
IS EVERYTHING?
432
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:32,498
GOOD, GOOD.
REAL GOOD.
REAL GOOD.
433
00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:35,233
LISTEN, UH, PROMISE
YOU WON'T BE MAD,
434
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:38,465
AND IT'S
PROBABLY NOTHING,
BUT, UM,
435
00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:41,032
YOU KNOW THAT CRIMINAL
WHO'S AFTER YOUR SON?
436
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:42,998
YEAH, HE--HE MIGHT KNOW
WHERE YOU GUYS ARE.
437
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,398
WHAT?
438
00:17:44,466 --> 00:17:47,198
PETER, THAT CRIMINAL
IS ON HIS WAY HERE
TO KILL CHRIS!
439
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,264
WE GOTTA CALL
THE SHERIFF!
440
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,065
HOLY CRAP! I'M
ON IT, LOIS!
441
00:17:50,134 --> 00:17:51,165
[Telephone ringing]
442
00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:52,332
SHERIFF'S OFFICE.
443
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,032
YES, HELLO. THIS
IS PETER GRIFFIN.
444
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:57,232
UH, I'D LIKE TO REPORT
A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL WHO
MAY BE COMING INTO TOWN.
445
00:17:57,301 --> 00:17:58,998
I--I'M SORRY, COULD
YOU REPEAT
YOUR NAME?
446
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:02,266
YES, IT'S
PETER GRIFFIN.
G-R-I-F-F-I-N.
447
00:18:02,334 --> 00:18:03,832
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE THE SHERIFF?
448
00:18:03,901 --> 00:18:05,732
H-HANG ON ONE
SEC, HONEY. I'M
ON THE PHONE.
449
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,099
WHO'S THAT?
MY WIFE.
450
00:18:07,168 --> 00:18:10,765
PETER, CHRIS IS IN DANGER!
DO SOMETHING! ROUND
UP A POSSE!
451
00:18:10,834 --> 00:18:12,366
YEAH,
WELL, SEE I--
452
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:15,932
I KIND OF PISSED OFF THE
WHOLE TOWN AT THAT
CIVIL-WAR REENACTMENT.
453
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,232
WELL, WHAT ARE
WE GONNA DO?
454
00:18:17,301 --> 00:18:18,598
I DON'T
KNOW, LOIS.
455
00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:21,532
BUT I FEEL LOWER
THAN A BOW-LEGGED
CATERPILLAR.
456
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:22,699
[Laughing]
457
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:23,999
NOW HERE'S ROY!
458
00:18:24,633 --> 00:18:25,698
[People cheering]
459
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:28,498
♪[Hillbilly music playing]
460
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:30,798
HA. SURE IS
A DING-DANG
OF A HOEDOWN.
461
00:18:30,868 --> 00:18:32,133
UH-UH, THIS HERE'S
A HOOTENANNY.
462
00:18:32,201 --> 00:18:33,099
HOEDOWN!
463
00:18:33,168 --> 00:18:34,166
HOOTENANNY!
HOEDOWN!
464
00:18:34,235 --> 00:18:35,365
HOOTENANNY!
HOEDOWN!
465
00:18:35,434 --> 00:18:36,665
[Both grunting]
466
00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:42,665
THANK YOU. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
467
00:18:42,734 --> 00:18:44,832
OH, AND, UH, TO THE
OWNER OF A JOHN
DEERE TRACTOR,
468
00:18:44,901 --> 00:18:47,166
YOU'RE PARKED ON
TOP OF A PIG.
469
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:49,432
JOHN DEERE TRACTOR
ON TOP OF A PIG.
470
00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:51,931
SAM, CAN I
TALK TO YOU?
471
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,665
SURE. BUT WHY AREN'T
YOU LOOKING AT ME?
472
00:18:53,734 --> 00:18:55,965
WELL, THAT'S
THE THING, UM,
473
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:57,965
I'M NO GOOD AT
TALKING TO GIRLS.
474
00:18:58,034 --> 00:18:59,799
THAT'S WHY I
RAN AWAY FROM YOU.
475
00:18:59,868 --> 00:19:03,632
WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TROUBLE TALKING TO ME
WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BOY.
476
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,632
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
477
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:07,132
JUST PRETEND
I'M A BOY.
478
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,598
OK.
479
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:10,932
YOU WANT TO GO DOWN
TO THE OLD TOWN
BRIDGE AND MAKE OUT?
480
00:19:11,001 --> 00:19:12,932
YES, SIR!
481
00:19:13,001 --> 00:19:16,265
[Meg]
AND IN THE CITY, GLASSES
ARE CONSIDERED REALLY SEXY.
482
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:17,899
OOH!
WOW!
483
00:19:17,968 --> 00:19:20,999
DANG! I HOPE HER
BROTHER DON'T ALREADY
HAVE DIBS ON HER.
484
00:19:21,068 --> 00:19:22,599
[Tires screeching]
485
00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:24,831
MEG, WHERE'S CHRIS?
THAT CRIMINAL'S HERE
AND HE'S AFTER HIM.
486
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,465
HE'S DOWN BY THE
OLD TOWN BRIDGE.
487
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:30,798
YOU KNOW, MY
BROTHER IS THE
ONE HE'S HERE TO KILL!
488
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:34,199
MY DAUGHTER
WOULD ABSOLUTELY
LOVE YOU.
489
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:39,632
YOU'RE SO CUTE.
YOU'RE LIKE A
SKINNY GARTH BROOKS.
490
00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:41,698
A-HA!
491
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:42,932
I GOT YOU NOW, GRIFFIN!
492
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:43,932
AHH!
493
00:19:44,001 --> 00:19:45,498
NOT SO FAST,
BUDDY!
494
00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:46,632
WHO ARE YOU?
495
00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:49,565
OH, YOU CAN CALL ME
OFFICER T.J. HOOKER!
496
00:19:49,634 --> 00:19:52,365
SHERIFF OFFICER
T.J. HOOKER!
497
00:19:52,434 --> 00:19:54,731
AND THIS IS MY DEPUTY,
MCMILLAN AND WIFE.
498
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,464
WELL, I HATED
T.J. HOOKER!
499
00:19:56,533 --> 00:19:58,731
AND I NEVER ACTUALLY SAW
MCMILLAN AND WIFE!
500
00:19:58,801 --> 00:20:01,932
ALTHOUGH I WAS AWARE OF
IT! ANYWAY, YOU'RE DEAD!
501
00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:05,298
HA! YOU'RE MINE
NOW, FELLA!
502
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:06,766
[Clicking]
503
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,365
AH! AH! OH!
504
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,332
AH! DAD!
HELP!
505
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,032
HELP! DAD!
506
00:20:13,101 --> 00:20:14,098
UGH!
507
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,232
YOU FOLKS
ALL RIGHT?
508
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,665
WOW! YOU
GUYS SAVED
OUR LIVES.
509
00:20:18,733 --> 00:20:21,498
AND AFTER I SAID THAT
ALL SOUTHERN PEOPLE
HAVE BAD TEETH
510
00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:25,266
AND SUFFER FROM
THE GUM DISEASE
KNOWN AS GINGIVITIS.
511
00:20:25,335 --> 00:20:26,932
WELL, WE TAKE
CARE OF
OUR OWN.
512
00:20:27,001 --> 00:20:30,531
AND AS LONG AS Y'ALL
LIVE HERE, Y'ALL ARE
SOUTHERNERS, TOO.
513
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:31,865
WOW,
THANKS!
514
00:20:31,934 --> 00:20:33,166
IT'S OUR
PLEASURE.
515
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:35,265
SAM, I'LL SEE
YOU AT HOME.
516
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:36,932
YOU KNOW, I THINK
THE LESSON HERE IS
517
00:20:37,001 --> 00:20:38,865
IT REALLY DOESN'T
MATTER WHERE
YOU'RE FROM,
518
00:20:38,934 --> 00:20:41,498
AS LONG AS
WE'RE ALL THE
SAME RELIGION.
519
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:44,998
IT WAS GREAT
HAVING YOU IN
CLASS, MEG.
520
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:46,032
THANKS.
521
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,898
I'M REALLY GONNA
MISS EVERYBODY.
522
00:20:47,967 --> 00:20:52,398
WE DIDN'T HAVE NO MONEY
FOR A PRESENT. SO, WE ALL
JUST SPIT IN A JAR.
523
00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:54,166
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE LEAVING.
524
00:20:54,235 --> 00:20:56,866
ME, EITHER. I'LL
BE SURE TO WRITE.
525
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:58,866
AND I'LL BE SURE
TO LEARN TO READ.
526
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:00,932
AND THE NEXT TIME
I SEE A DEAD GUY,
527
00:21:01,001 --> 00:21:04,565
I'M GONNA POKE
HIM TWICE AS HARD
FOR BOTH OF US.
528
00:21:11,467 --> 00:21:13,731
[Lois]
AH, IT'S SO NICE
TO BE HOME.
529
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,499
[Woman's voice]
YOU HAVE 113 NEW MESSAGES.
530
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:17,432
[Beeping]
531
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:18,832
OH, MY!
532
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,866
[Old man]
UH, YEAH, I WAS
JUST WONDERING, UH...
533
00:21:21,934 --> 00:21:23,332
MMM-HMM...
534
00:21:23,401 --> 00:21:25,766
WELL, WHERE THE
NEWSPAPER BOY WAS.
535
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:26,866
[Beeping]
536
00:21:26,934 --> 00:21:29,465
HAVEN'T SEEN A NEWSPAPER
IN A COUPLE DAYS,
537
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:31,399
WONDERIN' IF HE
EVER GONNA COME BACK.
538
00:21:31,467 --> 00:21:32,332
[Beeping]
539
00:21:32,401 --> 00:21:34,065
GUESS WHO?
540
00:21:34,134 --> 00:21:38,499
SORRY TO LEAVE YOU SO MANY
MESSAGES. JUST LONELY HERE.
541
00:21:38,567 --> 00:21:41,832
THINKIN' ABOUT THE
MUSCLY-ARMED PAPERBOY.
542
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:45,332
WISHIN' HE'D COME BY AND
BRING ME SOME GOOD NEWS.
543
00:21:45,401 --> 00:21:46,265
[Beeping]
544
00:21:46,334 --> 00:21:47,299
WHERE ARE YOU?
545
00:21:47,368 --> 00:21:48,366
[Beeping]
546
00:21:48,435 --> 00:21:50,066
AW, YOU'RE STARTING
TO PISS ME OFF,
547
00:21:50,134 --> 00:21:51,765
YOU LITTLE PIGGLY
SON OF A BITCH.
548
00:21:51,834 --> 00:21:52,832
CALL ME.
549
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,265
♪[Theme music playing]