1
00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,699
♪ IT SEEMS TODAY
THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪
2
00:00:04,768 --> 00:00:08,099
♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
AND SEX ON T.V. ♪
3
00:00:08,168 --> 00:00:11,665
♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪
4
00:00:11,733 --> 00:00:14,899
♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪
5
00:00:14,968 --> 00:00:17,932
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
6
00:00:18,001 --> 00:00:21,431
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO'LL
POSITIVELY TELL YOU ♪
7
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,264
♪ ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE US ♪
8
00:00:23,334 --> 00:00:24,998
♪ LAUGH 'N' CRY ♪
9
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:29,432
♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
10
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,499
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DUDE.
11
00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:36,165
DON'T PUT IT
IN YOUR NOSE.
12
00:00:36,234 --> 00:00:37,565
IT BURNS LIKE HELL.
13
00:00:41,301 --> 00:00:43,299
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY.
14
00:00:43,367 --> 00:00:46,732
AS PRESIDENT OF THE QUAHOG
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE,
15
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,765
I'D LIKE TO THANK
THE SENIORS' CENTER
16
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:50,998
FOR DECORATING OUR TREE.
17
00:00:52,233 --> 00:00:53,765
[Crowd murmuring]
18
00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:55,165
[Laughing]
19
00:00:56,201 --> 00:00:57,765
OOP! BROKE
MY HIP!
20
00:00:57,834 --> 00:00:59,398
LOOK, HONEY.
THERE'S THE MANGER
21
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:00,998
FOR THE CHRISTMAS
PAGEANT.
22
00:01:01,134 --> 00:01:04,098
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE
THE CUTEST BABY
JESUS EVER.
23
00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:05,498
SO, YOU WANT
TO DRESS ME UP
24
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:08,132
AND TROT ME ABOUT
LIKE A CIRCUS POODLE, HMM?
25
00:01:08,201 --> 00:01:09,665
HERE, LET ME
CONSULT MY AGENT,
26
00:01:09,734 --> 00:01:12,066
MR. IRVING R. POINTY STICK!
27
00:01:12,135 --> 00:01:13,331
OH, STEWIE,
28
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,099
NO SWEETS
BEFORE DINNER.
29
00:01:15,167 --> 00:01:17,433
MOM, I'M FREEZING.
CAN WE GO HOME?
30
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:18,732
IN A MINUTE.
31
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,265
WOULD YOU JUST
LOOK AT THIS
BEAUTIFUL TREE?
32
00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:24,132
EVERY YEAR I LOOK UP
AT THAT STAR AND I THINK
33
00:01:24,201 --> 00:01:26,998
OF ALL OF THE JOY AND WONDER
THAT CHRISTMAS PROMISES.
34
00:01:27,067 --> 00:01:31,098
AND THAT MIRACLE THAT
OCCURRED ON THAT SILENT
WINTER'S NIGHT.
35
00:01:31,167 --> 00:01:32,932
[Tires screeching]
36
00:01:33,001 --> 00:01:34,699
HEY, I'M
ON VACATION!
37
00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:36,498
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!
38
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:37,832
♪ 7 MAIDS A-MILKING ♪
39
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:39,199
♪ 6 MAIDS A-MILKING ♪
40
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,165
♪ 5 MAIDS A-- ♪
41
00:01:44,266 --> 00:01:46,699
BRIAN, YOU'RE NOT
WEARING THE SWEATER
I MADE YOU.
42
00:01:46,767 --> 00:01:48,966
UH, W-WELL, IT'S
A LITTLE WARM
IN HERE, YOU KNOW?
43
00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:51,132
"DON WE NOW
OUR GAY APPAREL"
44
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:55,132
DOESN'T GET MUCH
GAYER THAN THIS.
45
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,798
PETER, TOMORROW'S
CHRISTMAS EVE
46
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,798
AND YOU STILL
HAVEN'T GOTTEN
US A TREE.
47
00:01:58,867 --> 00:02:01,765
LOIS, I TOLD YOU
I'M ON DIPSALUCIOUS
VACATION.
48
00:02:01,834 --> 00:02:03,898
WHAT PART OF THAT
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
49
00:02:03,967 --> 00:02:05,232
COME ON, HONEY.
50
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,932
IT'S THE ONLY
THING I'VE ASKED
YOU TO DO. PLEASE?
51
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,599
AH, BRIAN, TAPE
THIS FOR ME.
52
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:11,465
OOH, SORRY. THE
V.C.R. HASN'T WORKED
53
00:02:11,534 --> 00:02:13,532
SINCE YOU TRIED TO TAPE
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
54
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,898
DO YOU HAVE THE
EXPRESSED WRITTEN
CONSENT OF A.B.C. SPORTS
55
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:20,299
AND THE NATIONAL
FOOTBALL LEAGUE?
56
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:21,698
JUST A.B.C.
57
00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:26,431
WELL, IF YOU
GET US A TREE,
58
00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:28,099
I'LL MAKE SURE
SANTA BRINGS YOU
59
00:02:28,168 --> 00:02:30,132
A NEW V.C.R.
PLEASE?
60
00:02:30,201 --> 00:02:31,898
OH, CRAP.
HOW COME I--
61
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:33,332
COMMERCIAL!
62
00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:38,798
HEY, MOM, I GOT
SOMETHING TO ADD
63
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:39,999
TO MY
CHRISTMAS LIST.
64
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,832
A PAIR OF THOSE
JEWELED BUG BARRETTES.
65
00:02:41,901 --> 00:02:43,632
NOT COSTUME, REAL.
66
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:45,266
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
WRITE THAT DOWN?
67
00:02:45,334 --> 00:02:47,132
HONEY, SANTA GOT ALL
HIS SHOPPING DONE
68
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,132
BEFORE THE RUSH.
69
00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:50,199
I THINK YOU'LL
BE VERY HAPPY.
70
00:02:50,268 --> 00:02:52,598
I JUST WANT
PEACE ON EARTH.
71
00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:54,199
THAT'S BETTER THAN
BEING SELFISH
72
00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:55,432
LIKE MEG, RIGHT?
73
00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,365
SO I SHOULD GET
MORE THAN HER.
74
00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:58,732
HERE'S THE TREE.
75
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,699
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO
ALL AND TO ALL SHUT
THE HELL UP.
76
00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:02,032
AH-AH, BEFORE
YOU SIT DOWN,
77
00:03:02,101 --> 00:03:03,866
WE'RE DUE AT JOE
AND BONNIE'S
FOR EGGNOG.
78
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,999
LOIS, CAN'T WE TELL
THEM THAT YOUR
MOTHER DIED?
79
00:03:06,068 --> 00:03:08,598
PETER, I'M NOT
GONNA LIE ABOUT
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
80
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:10,432
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL KILL YOUR MOTHER.
81
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,998
GOD, WHEN DID
CHRISTMAS BECOME
SO COMPLICATED?
82
00:03:17,034 --> 00:03:18,299
SO, UH,
83
00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:19,832
YOU GUYS KNOW
THAT RUDOLPH
IS ON, RIGHT?
84
00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:20,966
PETER!
85
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,531
THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY
GINGERBREAD HOUSE, LOIS.
86
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,266
OH, YEAH!
IT'S PERFECT
87
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:27,965
FOR ALL THE HAPPY,
ACTIVE GINGERBREAD MEN.
88
00:03:28,034 --> 00:03:30,532
EXCEPT FOR THE
ONE WITH NO LEGS!
89
00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:33,232
LOOK AT THE PARENTS TELLING
THEIR KIDS NOT TO STARE.
90
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,032
"HOW DOES HIS
PEE-PEE WORK, MOMMY?"
91
00:03:35,101 --> 00:03:36,599
WELL, I'VE GOT
NEWS FOR YOU, BECKY.
92
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:38,232
[Yelling]
NOT SO WELL!
93
00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:40,966
JOE, YOU PROMISED.
94
00:03:41,034 --> 00:03:42,665
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
95
00:03:42,734 --> 00:03:45,565
UH, JOE HAD HIS
ACCIDENT AT
CHRISTMAS TIME.
96
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:47,731
HEH!
97
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,299
[Men]
♪ CHECK THE BALLS
ON UNCLE CHARLIE ♪
98
00:03:50,368 --> 00:03:53,498
YES! TIME TO GO
A-WASSAILING!
99
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,665
HEY, PETER.
100
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,765
HI. I'M PRANCER.
101
00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:59,099
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE JOE ALONG?
102
00:03:59,168 --> 00:04:00,965
YEAH, LOIS. THAT'LL
BE ABOUT AS MUCH FUN
103
00:04:01,034 --> 00:04:03,299
AS A LECTURE ON
ONTOLOGICAL EMPIRICISM.
104
00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:04,465
WHAT?
WHAT?
105
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:07,132
HONEY, HE COULD USE
SOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
106
00:04:07,201 --> 00:04:09,498
FOR ME? PLEASE?
107
00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:10,798
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
108
00:04:10,868 --> 00:04:13,098
BUT YOU OWE ME LATER,
UNDER THE MISTLETOE.
109
00:04:13,167 --> 00:04:15,499
OPEN MOUTH, NO MATTER
HOW DRUNK I AM.
110
00:04:18,201 --> 00:04:20,266
PETER, THE GIFTS
ARE HIDDEN
IN THE TRUNK.
111
00:04:20,333 --> 00:04:23,198
DON'T FORGET TO DROP
OFF THE ONE FOR
TOYS FOR TODDLERS.
112
00:04:23,266 --> 00:04:24,332
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
113
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,532
HEY, SOMEBODY
GIVE ME A BEER.
114
00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:27,133
HEADS UP.
115
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,165
[Slurring]
YEAH, PETER, ONE
OF US HAS TO BE
116
00:04:29,233 --> 00:04:30,465
THE DESIGNATED
DRIVER.
117
00:04:30,534 --> 00:04:32,698
AND I'VE ALREADY
HAD 4 EGGNOGS.
118
00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:33,965
SO I GUESS
YOU'RE IT.
119
00:04:34,034 --> 00:04:35,665
HA! THAT'S
A GOOD ONE, JOE.
120
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,165
WAY TO GET INTO
THE SPIRIT, HA, HA.
121
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:38,231
UGH!
122
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:39,965
I'M A COP FIRST
AND A BUDDY SECOND.
123
00:04:40,034 --> 00:04:41,265
SO DON'T THINK
I WOULDN'T THROW
124
00:04:41,333 --> 00:04:43,665
YOUR DRUNK-DRIVING
ASS IN THE SLAMMER!
125
00:04:43,733 --> 00:04:45,498
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S A-WASSAIL!
126
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:50,198
STEWIE, HONEY,
TIME FOR BED.
127
00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:52,731
YOU HAVE A BIG DAY
TOMORROW, BABY JESUS.
128
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,899
TRUST ME, WOMAN,
IF I COULD WALK ON WATER,
129
00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:56,698
I WOULD STROLL YOU OUT
TO THE MIDDLE OF A LAKE
130
00:04:56,768 --> 00:04:58,966
AND HOLD YOUR
HEAD UNDER TILL
THE BUBBLES STOPPED!
131
00:04:59,034 --> 00:05:01,799
OOH, SOMEONE'S BEING
NAUGHTY, NOT NICE.
132
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,999
YOU KNOW, SANTA'S
WATCHING YOU.
133
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,131
WHAT THE DEVIL DO
YOU MEAN, "WATCHING"?
134
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,132
WELL, HONEY, SANTA'S
MAKING A LIST
135
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,399
AND CHECKING
IT TWICE.
136
00:05:09,467 --> 00:05:11,266
HE SEES YOU WHEN
YOU'RE SLEEPING.
137
00:05:11,335 --> 00:05:12,798
AND HE KNOWS
WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE.
138
00:05:12,867 --> 00:05:14,799
I ALMOST CAUGHT
HIM LAST YEAR.
139
00:05:14,868 --> 00:05:16,698
BUT HE'S MAGIC!
140
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,032
CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE
141
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,632
OF EVERY CHILD
ON EARTH? IMPOSSIBLE!
142
00:05:20,701 --> 00:05:22,098
UNLESS...
143
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:23,832
HIDDEN CAMERAS.
144
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:25,498
OH, VERY CLEVER.
145
00:05:25,567 --> 00:05:27,498
WATCHING TO SEE IF
I'M NAUGHTY, ARE YOU?
146
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:29,232
WELL, CHECK THIS TWICE!
147
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:31,565
♪ ROCK THE BOAT! ♪
148
00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:32,932
♪ DON'T ROCK
THE BOAT, BABY ♪
149
00:05:33,001 --> 00:05:34,032
♪ ROCK THE BOAT! ♪
150
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,232
♪ DON'T TIP
THE BOAT OVER ♪
151
00:05:35,301 --> 00:05:36,265
♪ ROCK THE BOAT! ♪
152
00:05:36,334 --> 00:05:37,532
♪ DON'T ROCK
THE BOAT, BABY ♪
153
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:40,532
♪ ROCK THE BOAT ♪
154
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:42,133
ROCK ON!
155
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,032
HEY, HEY, GUYS.
CHECK ME OUT!
156
00:05:44,101 --> 00:05:45,365
WHOA!
157
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:46,665
WHOA!
158
00:05:46,733 --> 00:05:47,932
[Snickering]
WHOA--UGH!
159
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:48,998
[Dog whimpering]
160
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:53,398
[Grunting]
161
00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:54,699
W-WHOA!
162
00:05:54,768 --> 00:05:56,365
AHH!
163
00:05:56,434 --> 00:05:58,265
OH, NO!
OH, NO!
164
00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:00,098
I'VE BROKEN MY LEGS!
165
00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:01,532
[Laughing]
166
00:06:03,401 --> 00:06:05,332
THAT'S ABOUT AS
FUNNY AS SINBAD.
167
00:06:05,401 --> 00:06:06,932
NOT THE COMEDIAN,
HE'S HILARIOUS.
168
00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,232
THE SAILOR.
169
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,331
BUT THEN AGAIN,
HE WAS NEVER MEANT
TO BE FUNNY.
170
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,732
NOW COME ON.
I GOTTA GO TO FREAKIN'
TOYS FOR TODDLERS.
171
00:06:12,801 --> 00:06:15,165
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
GOT A HUMBUG
172
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,398
UP HIS BUTT.
173
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:18,032
[Laughing]
174
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:20,966
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD
SET HIM UP WITH ANOTHER
LEMON SNOW CONE, HUH?
175
00:06:21,034 --> 00:06:22,732
NO THANKS.
THE LAST ONE
YOU GAVE ME
176
00:06:22,801 --> 00:06:24,065
DIDN'T TASTE
LIKE LEMON AT ALL!
177
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:25,832
IT TASTED LIKE...
178
00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:27,398
OH, YOU GUYS
ARE ASSES!
179
00:06:27,467 --> 00:06:28,765
[Laughing]
180
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,133
I KNEW YOU
WERE AWAKE.
181
00:06:33,201 --> 00:06:34,265
[Gasps]
182
00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:34,999
YOU!
183
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:41,932
NOW, STEWIE, YOU
ARE IN MY POWER.
184
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:43,698
AHH! NO,
DAMN YOU!
185
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:45,932
DAMN YOU, LET ME
GO! AHH! AHH!
186
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:49,766
GOOD, MELVIN.
187
00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:51,698
NICE WORK, WOODROW.
188
00:06:51,768 --> 00:06:53,465
EXCELLENT, STEWIE.
189
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,032
AHH!
190
00:06:56,101 --> 00:06:57,099
[Shuddering]
191
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:58,232
IT WAS JUST A DREAM.
192
00:06:58,301 --> 00:07:00,199
I NEEDN'T FEAR
THIS SANTA.
193
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:01,732
IF HE WERE TRULY
OMNIPOTENT,
194
00:07:01,801 --> 00:07:04,232
HE'D HAVE THE TESTICULAR
FORTITUDE TO SHOW HIMSELF!
195
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,432
SEE?
196
00:07:06,501 --> 00:07:08,098
I'M JUST BARKING
AT THE DARK.
197
00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:09,665
NO ONE HERE BUT ME.
198
00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:11,865
♪[Humming]
199
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:13,999
ALL RIGHT,
WHERE IS IT?
200
00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:15,965
WHERE'S THE WIRE?
SHOW YOURSELF, CLAUS!
201
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:17,465
[Lois]
STEWIE, GO TO SLEEP!
202
00:07:17,534 --> 00:07:19,232
THIS DOESN'T
INVOLVE YOU, LOIS!
203
00:07:19,301 --> 00:07:21,432
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO COME IN THERE.
204
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,399
I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE TO COME IN THERE!
205
00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:27,232
SHH.
DAD'S AWAKE.
206
00:07:27,301 --> 00:07:28,365
DON'T BOTHER
WHISPERING.
207
00:07:28,434 --> 00:07:29,965
I DON'T HAVE
A HANGOVER.
208
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:31,398
IT'S A CHRISTMAS
MIRACLE!
209
00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:33,032
SHOULDN'T YOU
HAVE YOUR SWEATER ON?
210
00:07:33,867 --> 00:07:34,898
[Sighs]
211
00:07:36,068 --> 00:07:37,165
THAT'S FOR
LETTING JOE
212
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,665
JOIN IN YOUR
REINDEER GAMES.
213
00:07:38,734 --> 00:07:39,965
NOW YOU GO RELAX
214
00:07:40,034 --> 00:07:42,065
WHILE I MAKE MY
LITTLE CHRISTMAS ANGEL
215
00:07:42,134 --> 00:07:43,665
A BIG STACK
OF PANCAKES.
216
00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:45,399
IF I'M SLEEPING, JUST
STUFF 'EM IN MY MOUTH
217
00:07:45,468 --> 00:07:46,532
AND RUB MY THROAT.
218
00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:48,565
JUST ONE
MORE THING.
219
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:49,999
LOIS!
220
00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:52,132
I NEED YOU TO
TAKE THE PRESENTS
OUT OF THE TRUNK.
221
00:07:53,201 --> 00:07:54,399
AREN'T YOU
GONNA DO IT?
222
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,266
IT'S ALREADY DONE.
I DROPPED THEM ALL OFF
223
00:07:56,334 --> 00:07:57,999
AT TOYS FOR TODDLERS
LAST NIGHT.
224
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,299
ALL? PETER, ONLY ONE
GIFT WAS FOR CHARITY.
225
00:08:00,368 --> 00:08:01,598
THE REST WERE
FOR THE FAMILY.
226
00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:04,099
NO. THE REST WERE
"FROM" THE FAMILY.
227
00:08:04,168 --> 00:08:05,531
W-WEREN'T THEY?
228
00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:08,232
OH, CRAP.
229
00:08:08,301 --> 00:08:10,465
SINCE WHEN DID THEY
CHANGE THE MEANING
OF "FOR" TO "FROM"?
230
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,565
I THINK THEY HAD
A MEETING ABOUT
IT LAST NIGHT.
231
00:08:12,633 --> 00:08:13,598
WHY WASN'T I TOLD?
232
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:14,665
WELL, THEY SENT
YOU A CARD.
233
00:08:14,733 --> 00:08:16,032
BUT IT SAID
"FOR PETER" ON IT.
234
00:08:16,101 --> 00:08:17,798
SO YOU MUST'VE THOUGHT
IT WAS "FROM" YOU,
235
00:08:17,867 --> 00:08:19,865
SO Y-YOU
DIDN'T, UH...
236
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:22,299
YOU KNOW, IT'S
JUST EASIER TO
CALL YOU STUPID.
237
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:28,598
[Brian]
YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA TAKE BACK
238
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:30,465
DONATED GIFTS
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
239
00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:32,832
YUP. NOW HERE'S
THE PLAN.
240
00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:35,365
YOU'LL ENTER
THROUGH THE AIR
CONDITIONING DUCT HERE.
241
00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,132
NOW, THERE'LL BE AN
INVISIBLE LASER GRID
242
00:08:37,201 --> 00:08:38,565
3 INCHES ABOVE
THE FLOOR.
243
00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:40,365
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO
COMPRESS YOUR BODY
TO THE SIZE
244
00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:41,832
OF AN ORDINARY
HOUSEHOLD SPONGE
245
00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:42,966
AND SLIDE UNDERNEATH
246
00:08:43,034 --> 00:08:46,032
LIKE SOME KIND OF WEIRD
AMPHIBIOUS DOLPHIN.
247
00:08:46,101 --> 00:08:47,966
CAN I BUY SOME
POT FROM YOU?
248
00:08:48,034 --> 00:08:49,399
WHAT YOU WANT?
249
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:50,865
AHH!
OH!
250
00:08:50,934 --> 00:08:52,598
SO YOU UNDERSTAND
ALL THESE GIFTS
251
00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,565
WERE SUPPOSED TO
BE FOR MY FAMILY.
252
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:56,132
IT WAS JUST SOME
CRAZY MIX-UP.
253
00:08:56,201 --> 00:08:57,565
[Laughing]
254
00:08:58,934 --> 00:08:59,932
KILL 'EM.
255
00:09:01,101 --> 00:09:02,598
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S TRUE.
256
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,966
YOU SEE, THAT REMOTE
CONTROL COW WAS
FOR MY SON, AND...
257
00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:07,565
AND THOSE BARRETTES
WERE FOR MY DAUGHTER.
AND, UH...
258
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:08,866
HEY, WHERE'S MY V.C.R.?
259
00:09:08,934 --> 00:09:12,032
DANG IT, BUCK.
IT'S MY TURN TO
USE THE SEX BOX!
260
00:09:12,101 --> 00:09:13,631
IT'S MY SEX BOX!
261
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:16,132
AND HER NAME
IS "SONY."
262
00:09:16,201 --> 00:09:18,332
YOU GAVE AWAY
ALL THE PRESENTS?
263
00:09:18,401 --> 00:09:20,465
LOIS, IF YOU
STRIKE ME DOWN,
264
00:09:20,533 --> 00:09:21,799
I SHALL BECOME
MORE POWERFUL
265
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:23,765
THAN YOU CAN
POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
266
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:25,565
PETER, YOU BROUGHT
GLAD TIDINGS
267
00:09:25,634 --> 00:09:27,732
TO A FAMILY LESS
FORTUNATE THAN YOUR OWN.
268
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:28,832
YOU MEAN
YOU'RE NOT MAD?
269
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,865
WELL, I AM LITTLE
IRRITATED THAT
270
00:09:30,934 --> 00:09:32,832
I HAVE TO DO ALL
THE SHOPPING AGAIN.
271
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,865
BUT AT LEAST SOME
GOOD CAME OUT OF IT.
272
00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:36,632
SO I CAN DRINK
BEER AND WATCH T.V.?
273
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:38,999
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
K.I.S.S SAVES SANTA IS ON.
274
00:09:39,068 --> 00:09:41,332
BUT, MRS. CLAUS,
WHO WOULD
KIDNAP SANTA?
275
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,331
WELL, ACE, THAT'S
WHAT I WANT YOU BOYS
TO FIND OUT.
276
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,799
SOMEONE
STOLE SANTA?
277
00:09:45,867 --> 00:09:47,198
THAT DOES NOT ROCK!
278
00:09:47,267 --> 00:09:48,232
EASY, GENE.
279
00:09:48,301 --> 00:09:50,665
GUYS, LET'S GO
SAVE CHRISTMAS.
280
00:09:50,734 --> 00:09:52,333
TO THE K.I.S.S.
COPTER!
281
00:09:52,401 --> 00:09:53,798
[Together]
YAY!
282
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:01,832
YOU CAN WATCH
ALL THE T.V.
YOU WANT
283
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:03,698
JUST AS SOON
AS WE GET BACK
FROM THE MALL.
284
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:05,433
THE MALL?
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
285
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:08,598
PETER, I JUST WANT
THIS FAMILY TO HAVE
A PERFECT CHRISTMAS.
286
00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:11,431
AND I NEED A
LITTLE HELP, OK?
287
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:12,899
BRIAN, MY TURKEY'S
IN THE OVEN.
288
00:10:12,967 --> 00:10:14,231
CAN YOU TURN
IT OFF AT 3:00?
289
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:15,198
NO PROBLEM.
290
00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:16,965
WE'LL SHOP,
COME HOME, EAT,
291
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:18,499
AND THEN IT'S OFF
TO THE PAGEANT
292
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:21,131
TO SEE OUR LITTLE STEWIE
PLAY BABY JESUS.
293
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,265
OH, YES, YES.
294
00:10:22,334 --> 00:10:24,799
BY ALL MEANS, TURN ME
INTO A CHILD STAR.
295
00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:26,966
PERHAPS I CAN MOVE
TO CALIFORN-I-A
296
00:10:27,034 --> 00:10:29,498
AND WRANGLE ME
A 3-WAY WITH
THE OLSEN TWINS.
297
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,198
[Brakes squeaking]
298
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:36,765
THERE'S A SPOT!
299
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:38,965
[Tires screeching]
300
00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:40,565
AH, SCREW THIS.
301
00:10:47,334 --> 00:10:49,398
OK, PETER.
WE'LL EACH TAKE
HALF THE LIST
302
00:10:49,467 --> 00:10:50,765
TO SAVE TIME.
303
00:10:50,834 --> 00:10:54,298
KIDS, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE STEWIE
TO SEE SANTA?
304
00:10:54,366 --> 00:10:55,531
SANTA?
305
00:10:58,566 --> 00:11:00,099
NO, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
306
00:11:00,168 --> 00:11:02,233
SITTING ALONE IN
THIS PUBLIC SETTING?
307
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:04,133
NO BULLET-PROOF GLASS?
308
00:11:04,201 --> 00:11:06,565
CLAUS, YOU MAKE IT
TOO EASY. CHANGE ME!
309
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:09,265
I'VE LEAKED THROUGH
MY SKI PANTS AND I
WON'T FACE HIM WET!
310
00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:17,299
[Announcer]
WE NOW RETURN TO BOB HOPE'S
CHRISTMAS WITH THE TROOPS.
311
00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:19,066
HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU UNION BOYS.
312
00:11:19,135 --> 00:11:20,632
I WOULD'VE BEEN
HERE SOONER.
313
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:22,631
BUT LINCOLN GAVE ME
THE WRONG "GETTYSBURG
ADDRESS."
314
00:11:22,701 --> 00:11:23,999
[Laughing]
315
00:11:24,068 --> 00:11:25,932
HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS
HAVING TO SIT STILL
316
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,531
FOR 60 SECONDS TO HAVE
YOUR PICTURE TAKEN?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
317
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,765
[Laughing]
318
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:32,965
AH, SWEET!
319
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:34,465
IT'S K.I.S.S. SAVES SANTA.
320
00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:36,565
HANG ON, SANTA.
WE'RE COMING.
321
00:11:36,633 --> 00:11:38,565
HURRY, BOYS. THE
EGGS ARE HATCHING!
322
00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:39,632
WHAT DO WE DO?
323
00:11:39,701 --> 00:11:40,899
WAIT A SECOND.
324
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,965
EVERYONE KNOWS
PTERODACTYLS
CAN'T STAND
325
00:11:43,034 --> 00:11:44,531
THE SCREECH
OF A GUITAR!
326
00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:47,665
♪[Plays chord]
327
00:11:49,301 --> 00:11:50,431
IT'S WORKING!
328
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:51,531
HEY, SANTA,
BE CAREFUL!
329
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:52,565
OH, NO!
330
00:11:52,633 --> 00:11:54,132
CAREFUL.
HANG ON, SANTA!
331
00:11:56,433 --> 00:11:58,132
HEY, I WAS WATCHING
THAT! HEY!
332
00:11:58,201 --> 00:11:59,698
IT'LL BE ON NEXT
CHRISTMAS.
333
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:01,932
WHO THE HELL KNOWS
WHEN THAT'S GONNA BE?
334
00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:05,099
[Timer rings]
335
00:12:11,101 --> 00:12:12,198
AHH!
336
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,032
IF I WAS AN
OVEN MITT...
337
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:17,332
[Beeping]
338
00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:28,131
DAMN IT, PETER!
339
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,198
HO, HO, HO.
340
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:33,699
AND WHAT CAN I BRING
YOU THIS YEAR?
341
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,365
OH, A PEACE
OFFERING IS IT?
342
00:12:35,434 --> 00:12:36,565
VERY WELL.
343
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:38,798
WHAT SAY YOU TRIM THOSE
GIN-SOAKED WHISKERS
344
00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:40,165
AND BRING ME
SOME PLUTONIUM?
345
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:42,898
WELL, CAN YOU
BE A GOOD BOY?
346
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:44,665
HMM, YOUR INQUIRY
INTRIGUES ME.
347
00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:46,598
CAN ANY OF US
BE A GOOD BOY?
348
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:47,832
ARE OUR PRIMAL
URGES INNATE
349
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,398
OR THE RESULT OF THE
CHOICES WE MAKE?
350
00:12:49,466 --> 00:12:50,832
OK. WRAP IT UP, KID.
351
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:52,265
ALL RIGHT,
KRINGLE!
352
00:12:52,334 --> 00:12:54,965
IF THE REWARD IS
PLUTONIUM, THEN YOUR
WAGER IS ACCEPTED.
353
00:12:55,034 --> 00:12:57,132
I WILL BE "NICE."
354
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:58,164
GOOD BOY!
355
00:12:58,233 --> 00:13:00,331
NOW SMILE
FOR THE CAMERA.
356
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,298
YES. YES. SMILE,
357
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:04,132
LIKE A GOOD BOY.
358
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,598
AAH!
359
00:13:15,368 --> 00:13:16,832
AH-HA!
360
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:18,132
MEG'S BARRETTES.
361
00:13:18,201 --> 00:13:19,932
YOU MEAN, JULIE'S
BARRETTES!
362
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,866
YOU STILL WANT 'EM,
YOU BONY OLD BLUE HAIR?
363
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:26,299
OW! OW! TITTIE
TWISTER! OW! HURTS!
364
00:13:27,001 --> 00:13:28,199
HEY!
UGH!
365
00:13:58,868 --> 00:13:59,999
AH-HA!
366
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,899
ALL THE CLOWN
FISH AND YELLOW TANGS
367
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,998
IN THE WORLD
CAN'T HELP YOU NOW.
368
00:14:09,233 --> 00:14:11,199
THAT'S IT?
FISH FOOD?
369
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,132
THAT'S YOUR ACE
IN THE HOLE?
370
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,531
[Laughing]
371
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:17,366
[Screaming]
OH, GOD! OH! OH!
372
00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:19,999
[Sighs]
373
00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:22,165
TURKEY!
374
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:26,632
AHH!
375
00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:31,865
[Peter]
OH, LOIS, IT WAS HORRIBLE.
376
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:34,765
THE FISH WERE JUMPING
ALL OVER MY EYES
AND IN MY NOSE,
377
00:14:34,834 --> 00:14:36,498
AND--AND ON THE WAY OUT,
I THINK ONE OF THEM
378
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:37,932
MUTTERED SOMETHING
ANTI-SEMITIC.
379
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,198
WE'RE ALMOST HOME,
HONEY. OH, LOOK.
380
00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:42,698
THERE'S THE STAR ON
THE TOWN CHRISTMAS TREE.
381
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:45,899
WE'RE FOLLOWING IT HOME
JUST LIKE THE 3 WISE MEN.
382
00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:47,364
SO, WHAT DID
YOU GET HIM?
383
00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:48,298
GOLD.
384
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:49,699
GOLD?
385
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:51,865
[Scoffs]
I THOUGHT WE AGREED
ON A $5 LIMIT HERE?
386
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:54,398
YEAH. I JUST GOT HIM
A CRAPPY LITTLE
BOTTLE OF MYRRH.
387
00:14:54,467 --> 00:14:56,632
HELLO! FRANKINCENSE!
YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
388
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:59,098
OK, OK. LOOK, WE'LL
PUT EVERYTHING TOGETHER
389
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,632
AND PUT ALL OUR
NAMES ON IT.
390
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,032
NO!
YES!
391
00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:03,865
THAT IS SO CHEAP,
I MEAN, THIS GUY'S
THE SAVIOR.
392
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,599
NO! NO, NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T BACK OUT...
393
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:08,732
[Gasps]
394
00:15:11,101 --> 00:15:13,731
OH, MY GOD!
BRIAN, ARE YOU OK?
395
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:16,332
I TOLD YOU WE
SHOULD'VE LEFT
COOKIES FOR SANTA.
396
00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:18,965
AHH!
397
00:15:20,801 --> 00:15:21,866
MY COUCH!
398
00:15:21,934 --> 00:15:22,865
MY T.V.!
399
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:24,398
WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU DO?
400
00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:27,632
ME? WHO THE HELL
BUYS A NOVELTY
FIRE EXTINGUISHER?
401
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:28,932
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
402
00:15:29,001 --> 00:15:31,099
SOMEONE WHO CARES
ENOUGH ABOUT
PHYSICAL COMEDY
403
00:15:31,168 --> 00:15:33,331
TO PUT HIS WHOLE
FAMILY AT SERIOUS RISK.
404
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,132
BOYS, PLEASE.
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
405
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,464
THIS IS A NIGHT
FOR MAGIC, AND
WONDER, AND JOY.
406
00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:42,166
OK, SO A COUPLE
OF THINGS HAVE
GONE WRONG.
407
00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:44,665
BUT WE CAN STILL
HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS.
408
00:15:45,801 --> 00:15:46,765
[Sighs]
409
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:47,899
AH, JEEZ, KIDS,
410
00:15:47,968 --> 00:15:49,432
YOU KNOW, I WAS THIS
CLOSE TO LOSING IT.
411
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,698
BUT YOUR
MOM'S RIGHT.
412
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:52,166
WELL, SURE I AM.
413
00:15:52,233 --> 00:15:54,598
MEG, HONEY, GET ME
SOME PAPER TOWELS.
414
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:56,165
LET'S LOSE
THE BAD TIDINGS,
415
00:15:56,233 --> 00:15:57,231
CLEAN UP
THIS MESS,
416
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,831
AND FIND THAT
HOLIDAY CHEER.
417
00:15:58,900 --> 00:15:59,932
ALL RIGHT.
WHY NOT?
418
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,465
WE'RE OUT OF
PAPER TOWELS.
419
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:06,165
NO PAPER TOWELS?
420
00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:07,631
[Screaming]
421
00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:11,999
HEY, I WAS GONNA
PICK AT THAT.
422
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,699
SHUT YOUR
FAT MOUTH!
423
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:15,965
YOU ALL THINK
CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENS?
424
00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:17,198
YOU THINK ALL
THIS GOOD WILL
425
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,032
JUST FALLS FROM
THE FREAKIN' SKY?
426
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,165
WELL, IT DOESN'T!
427
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:22,465
IT FALLS OUT OF MY
HOLLY JOLLY BUTT!
428
00:16:23,801 --> 00:16:25,499
SO YOU CAN COOK
YOUR OWN DAMN TURKEY,
429
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,198
WRAP YOUR OWN
DAMN PRESENTS!
430
00:16:27,266 --> 00:16:29,332
AND HEY, WHILE YOU'RE
AT IT, YOU CAN ALL RIDE
431
00:16:29,401 --> 00:16:31,632
A ONE HORSE OPEN
SLEIGH TO HELL!
432
00:16:32,268 --> 00:16:33,665
[Screaming]
433
00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:36,631
[Breathing heavily]
434
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,365
OH, HERE'S THE
PAPER TOWELS.
435
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,032
I--I--I CHANGED
MY MIND!
436
00:16:46,101 --> 00:16:47,999
CLARENCE, I WANT
TO LIVE AGAIN!
437
00:16:48,068 --> 00:16:49,098
I WANT TO
LIVE AGAIN!
438
00:16:49,166 --> 00:16:50,065
WHOA!
439
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:51,065
[Splashing]
440
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:56,599
HEY, I GUESS
THERE'S SOME MAGIC
441
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:57,932
IN THAT OLD
SILK HAT.
442
00:16:58,001 --> 00:16:59,199
[Lois growling]
443
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:00,832
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
444
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:02,599
EASY, LADY.
445
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:04,032
YOU WANT SOME
OF THIS!
446
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:05,132
[Cackling]
447
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,631
AHH! WHAT THE HELL
IS HER PROBLEM?
448
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:09,798
FROSTY,
LET IT GO!
449
00:17:09,867 --> 00:17:11,165
JUST A SECOND.
JUST A SECOND.
450
00:17:11,234 --> 00:17:12,898
HEY LADY, YOU GOT
SOMETHING TO
SAY TO ME?
451
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:15,466
YEAH. ALL HE DID
WAS WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
452
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,799
WISH? IT'S
EASY TO WISH.
453
00:17:17,868 --> 00:17:19,665
BUT DOES ANYONE
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
454
00:17:19,733 --> 00:17:20,899
AND MAKE
IT HAPPEN?
455
00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:22,765
NO! YOU ALL EXPECT
SOMEONE ELSE
456
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:23,966
TO DO IT
FOR YOU,
457
00:17:24,034 --> 00:17:26,998
LIKE SANTY
CLAUS OR MOMMY!
458
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,098
[Screaming]
459
00:17:28,166 --> 00:17:29,265
WHAT THE...
460
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,065
AHH! TAKE IT OFF!
TAKE IT OFF!
461
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:41,565
MUST KILL STAR.
462
00:17:42,733 --> 00:17:44,231
DAD, WHAT
HAPPENED TO MOM?
463
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:45,998
WHAT IF SHE NEVER
COMES BACK?
464
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:47,431
I THINK THE
BIGGER QUESTION IS
465
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,565
IF THIS IS THE WAY
SHE'S GONNA ACT
AT CHRISTMAS
466
00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:50,832
DO WE EVEN
WANT HER BACK?
467
00:17:50,901 --> 00:17:51,999
ALL RIGHT,
WHICH IS BETTER?
468
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:53,865
AROUND THE WAIST
OR OFF THE SHOULDER?
469
00:17:53,934 --> 00:17:55,832
WAIST? SHOULDER?
WAIST? SHOULDER?
470
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:58,531
STEWIE, I THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO
BE IN THE PAGEANT.
471
00:17:58,600 --> 00:17:59,698
OH, MEGAN,
472
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:01,765
SANTA WOULD THINK IT
TERRIBLY NAUGHTY OF ME
473
00:18:01,834 --> 00:18:04,165
NOT TO FULFILL MY
OBLIGATION TO MOTHER.
474
00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:06,132
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THE
PAGEANT MEANS TO HER.
475
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,865
WHERE DO YOU
THINK SHE IS?
476
00:18:07,934 --> 00:18:10,565
WELL, THANK GOD
YEARS AGO I PLANTED
A HOMING DEVICE
477
00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:11,732
IN YOUR
MOTHER'S SKULL
478
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,166
FOR JUST SUCH
AN OCCASION.
479
00:18:13,235 --> 00:18:14,699
[Beeping]
480
00:18:14,767 --> 00:18:16,965
I FORGOT. I ALSO
PUT 'EM IN A BUNCH
OF SQUIRRELS.
481
00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:18,332
THIS ISN'T GONNA
DO US ANY GOOD.
482
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,099
MAY AS WELL SEE IF
SHE'S AT THE PAGEANT.
483
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,099
YOU. YOU LIED TO ME.
484
00:18:24,168 --> 00:18:25,932
OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S MOM!
485
00:18:26,001 --> 00:18:27,032
HI, LOIS!
486
00:18:27,101 --> 00:18:28,765
HEY, DO WE
LOOK LIKE ANTS
DOWN HERE?
487
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:29,898
[Lois]
BITE ME!
488
00:18:29,967 --> 00:18:31,432
PETER, GREAT TIME
LAST NIGHT.
489
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,465
DON'T WORRY.
490
00:18:32,534 --> 00:18:33,698
WE'LL GET LOIS DOWN.
491
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:34,798
LOCKED AND
LOADED, SIR.
492
00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:36,698
WAIT. YOU CAN'T
SHOOT MY MOM!
493
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,665
DON'T WORRY, KID.
IT'S JUST A MILD
SEDATIVE. GO!
494
00:18:40,634 --> 00:18:42,032
ALL RIGHT,
HANG ON.
495
00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:44,065
LOOK, LOIS IS ONLY UP
THERE BECAUSE WE SUCKED
496
00:18:44,134 --> 00:18:45,932
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
RIGHT OUT OF HER.
497
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:47,265
MAYBE IF SHE SEES
THE PAGEANT
498
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,498
IT'LL BRING HER AROUND.
GIVE HER A CHANCE, HUH?
499
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:52,832
TRUST HIM, JOE. THIS MAN
HAS SEEN EVERY CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL EVER MADE.
500
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:54,398
ARE YOU WEARING
A GIRL'S SWEATER?
501
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,931
DOES THAT REALLY
MATTER RIGHT NOW?
502
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,132
YOU GOT 10 MINUTES.
503
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,299
[Peter]
LIGHTS, PLEASE.
504
00:19:01,533 --> 00:19:03,899
AS WE ALL KNOW,
CHRISTMAS IS THAT MYSTICAL
505
00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:06,299
TIME OF YEAR WHEN
THE GHOST OF JESUS
506
00:19:06,368 --> 00:19:08,165
RISES FROM THE GRAVE
507
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,431
TO FEED ON THE FLESH
OF THE LIVING.
508
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:13,398
SO WE ALL SING
CHRISTMAS CAROLS TO
LULL HIM BACK TO SLEEP.
509
00:19:13,466 --> 00:19:15,665
OUTRAGEOUS!
HOW DARE HE SAY
SUCH BLASPHEMY!
510
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:16,865
I'VE GOTTA
DO SOMETHING!
511
00:19:16,934 --> 00:19:19,164
BOB, THERE'S
NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
512
00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:20,632
[Sighs]
513
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,198
WELL, I GUESS I'LL
JUST HAVE TO DEVELOP
A SENSE OF HUMOR.
514
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:27,231
I AM THE
VIRGIN MARY.
515
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,232
THAT'S MY STORY AND
I'M STICKING TO IT.
516
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:33,298
OH, OUR SAVIOR
HAS ARRIVED.
517
00:19:34,934 --> 00:19:37,564
GOOD EVENING.
I AM PLAYING
THE ROLE OF JESUS,
518
00:19:37,633 --> 00:19:40,598
A MAN ONCE PORTRAYED
ON THE BIG SCREEN
BY JEFFREY HUNTER.
519
00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:43,132
YOU MAY REMEMBER
HIM AS THE ACTOR
WHO WAS REPLACED
520
00:19:43,201 --> 00:19:45,266
BY WILLIAM SHATNER
ON STAR TREK.
521
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:48,099
APPARENTLY MR. HUNTER
WAS GOOD ENOUGH
TO DIE FOR OUR SINS,
522
00:19:48,168 --> 00:19:51,431
BUT NOT QUITE UP
TO THE TASK OF
SEDUCING GREEN WOMEN.
523
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:55,498
ANYHOO, THE
PERENNIAL DICTUM IS
524
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:58,266
TO SPREAD GOOD
WILL TOWARDS ALL MEN.
525
00:19:58,333 --> 00:20:01,298
THE IRONY, OF COURSE,
IS THAT THIS IS CONTRARY
TO OUR NATURE.
526
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,865
SO WHY DO WE DO IT?
527
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:05,131
BECAUSE WE ARE
BEING WATCHED!
528
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:11,132
AND SO WE UNSELFISHLY
THINK OF OTHERS,
529
00:20:11,201 --> 00:20:13,066
ASSURED THAT OUR
GOOD BEHAVIOR
530
00:20:13,134 --> 00:20:15,266
WILL BE REWARDED
WITH LOVE
531
00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:16,698
AND PLUTONIUM.
532
00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:22,365
YEAH, SHE'S NOT GETTING IT.
OK, BOYS, TAKE HER DOWN.
533
00:20:30,734 --> 00:20:32,398
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
BUDDY.
534
00:20:32,466 --> 00:20:34,665
HA! WONDER WHAT
THIS COULD BE?
535
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:35,698
OH.
536
00:20:36,366 --> 00:20:38,665
THIS CHRISTMAS ROCKS!
537
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:40,799
MOM, STEWIE'S
OPENING HIS GIFTS.
538
00:20:40,867 --> 00:20:41,898
MOM?
539
00:20:41,967 --> 00:20:43,066
AW, IT'S OK, MEG.
540
00:20:43,134 --> 00:20:44,866
YOUR MOM'S JUST FULL
OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
541
00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:48,066
AND ENOUGH
TRANQUILIZER TO BRING
DOWN A BULL ELEPHANT.
542
00:20:48,134 --> 00:20:49,732
UH, HONEY, YOU GOT
A LITTLE SOMETHING--
543
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,865
YOU GOT A LITTLE,
UH, I'LL GET IT.
544
00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:55,065
HUNGRY
HUNGRY HIPPOS!
545
00:20:55,134 --> 00:20:57,799
CLAUS, YOU PORCINE
DOUBLE-CROSSER!
546
00:20:57,868 --> 00:21:00,165
AND TO THINK
I WAS NICE.
547
00:21:00,234 --> 00:21:02,199
YOU GOT ANOTHER
ONE, DUDE.
548
00:21:02,900 --> 00:21:03,932
[Gasps]
549
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,166
PLUTONIUM!
550
00:21:05,235 --> 00:21:06,866
H-HE IS REAL!
551
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,165
HE'S REALLY, REALLY REAL!
552
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,732
SO, UH, PETER, DID YOU
GET EVERYTHING YOU
WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS?
553
00:21:11,801 --> 00:21:14,099
YOU BET. A WEEK'S
VACATION, A NEW V.C.R.,
554
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:17,398
AND BEST OF ALL, MY OWN
COPY OF K.I.S.S. SAVES SANTA.
555
00:21:19,734 --> 00:21:22,065
YOU JUST PRACTICE
THAT GUITAR, SANTA.
556
00:21:22,134 --> 00:21:24,398
NEXT TIME WE'LL LET
YOU DO A SOLO.
557
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,598
DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!
558
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:28,232
[Laughing]
559
00:21:33,566 --> 00:21:35,299
FROM ALL OF US
AT FAMILY GUY
560
00:21:35,368 --> 00:21:37,099
WE WISH YOU
CHRISTMAS JOY.
561
00:21:37,168 --> 00:21:39,165
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES
NOW COME TRUE
562
00:21:39,234 --> 00:21:41,231
FOR EVERY GIRL
AND BOY.
563
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,965
WE HOPE YOUR
FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS
564
00:21:43,034 --> 00:21:44,565
ARE FILLED WITH
FUN AND CHEER.
565
00:21:44,634 --> 00:21:46,565
SO HAVE A MERRY
CHRISTMAS AND...
566
00:21:46,634 --> 00:21:48,698
[Mumbling]
567
00:21:52,667 --> 00:21:54,699
♪[Theme music playing]