1
00:00:03,134 --> 00:00:05,832
♪ IT SEEMS TODAY
THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪
2
00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
AND SEX ON T.V. ♪
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,799
♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE
GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪
4
00:00:12,867 --> 00:00:16,032
♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY ♪
5
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,599
♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO
POSITIVELY CAN DO ♪
7
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,198
♪ ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE US ♪
8
00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:25,932
♪ LAUGH AND CRY ♪
9
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:30,765
♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪
10
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,132
I MUST SAY I DO FEEL
A STRANGE SATISFACTION
11
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,265
WATCHING THE BLACK BALL
TOPPLE
12
00:00:48,334 --> 00:00:50,698
ALL THOSE SELF-RIGHTEOUS
WHITE PINS.
13
00:00:50,767 --> 00:00:52,732
CAN'T BLAME THEM FOR
BEING SELF-RIGHTEOUS.
14
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,032
THE BLACK BALL'S IN
THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD UNINVITED.
15
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:58,032
THE BLACK BALL'S
DONE NOTHING WRONG.
16
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,331
IF THE BLACK BALL'S INNOCENT,
IT HAS NOTHING TO FEAR.
17
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:05,132
HUH, WONDER WHAT
THE HELL'S DOWN THERE.
18
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:08,732
JUDD HIRSCH?
19
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,065
UH, HEY.
20
00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:13,832
UH, WHAT, UH,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
21
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:16,198
NOTHING.
22
00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:17,932
ALL RIGHT.
23
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:21,166
HI, BOYS.
YOUR RIDE IS HERE.
24
00:01:21,234 --> 00:01:24,265
HEY, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.
MORT'S ONE BALL AWAY
FROM A PERFECT GAME.
25
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:26,531
OH, GOD.
THE PRESSURE'S TOO MUCH.
26
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,832
I JUST LOST CONTROL
OF MY BLADDER.
27
00:01:28,901 --> 00:01:31,899
OH, WHY DIDN'T I CLOTHESPIN
THE END OF MY PENIS
28
00:01:31,968 --> 00:01:33,766
LIKE MURIEL TOLD ME TO?
29
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[people chattering]
30
00:01:39,734 --> 00:01:42,698
OH, MY GOD.
YOU BOWLED A PERFECT GAME.
31
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[all cheering]
32
00:01:43,967 --> 00:01:45,298
[grunting]
33
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:47,999
I JUST NEVER
STOPPED BELIEVING.
34
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SAY NO TO ACID.
35
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JEEZ, RELAX, MORT.
YOU'D THINK
YOU WERE GOD HIMSELF.
36
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NO, HE'S OVER THERE.
37
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HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE
WHAT I CAN DO?
38
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ALL RIGHT, READY?
CHECK IT OUT.
39
00:01:57,633 --> 00:01:59,765
BEER, GLASS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW WATCH THIS.
40
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OH, HEY.
GUESS I'LL GO OVER HERE
FOR A MINUTE.
41
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:03,332
♪[humming]
42
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,331
OH, HOLY CRAP!
THAT'S STILL POURING ITSELF.
OH, WOW.
43
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:06,432
OH, THAT'S AMAZING.
44
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:07,798
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE
DO THAT.
45
00:02:07,867 --> 00:02:08,965
YOU WANT TO GO OUT LATER?
46
00:02:09,034 --> 00:02:10,999
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'M GONNA GO TINKLE.
47
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OK, EVERYBODY READY?
48
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,265
HEY, WHERE'S QUAGMIRE?
49
00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:19,932
[sighs]
50
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[Glenn grunting]
51
00:02:29,034 --> 00:02:31,465
[Glenn grunting]
52
00:02:35,934 --> 00:02:38,165
[Glenn groaning]
53
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:41,399
(Glenn)
WOULD YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND
GO TO THE BATHROOM ALREADY?
54
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[screaming]
55
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,198
A SCANDAL AT THE QUAHOG
BOWLING ALLEY TONIGHT
56
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WHERE A LOCAL MAN,
GLENN QUAGMIRE,
57
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WAS CHARGED WITH PEEPING
IN THE LADIES' ROOM.
58
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COMING UP, DIANE'S WEIGHT.
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HE'S ALL YOURS,
JOE.
60
00:02:56,267 --> 00:02:58,365
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY
I'VE GOT SOME EXTRA PULL
AROUND HERE
61
00:02:58,433 --> 00:03:00,798
THANKS TO MY 18 MEDALS
FOR HEROISM.
62
00:03:00,867 --> 00:03:02,765
JEEZ, THERE HE GOES AGAIN
WITH THE MEDALS.
63
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:06,099
HEY, JOE, IF YOU LOVE
YOUR MEDALS SO MUCH,
WHY DON'T YOU MARRY THEM?
64
00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:07,865
I--I DID SOMETHING
LIKE THAT ONCE.
65
00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:09,532
AND IN THE EVENT
OF YOUR DEATH
66
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,265
YOU'D LIKE
THE INSURANCE POLICY
TO BE PAID TO YOUR WIFE?
67
00:03:12,334 --> 00:03:13,498
YUP.
68
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:15,998
AND YOUR WIFE IS
THIS PIECE OF PIE?
69
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:18,765
YOU GOT IT. LOVE YOU.
70
00:03:18,833 --> 00:03:21,165
OK, SIGN HERE.
71
00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:24,365
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU CAN PROBABLY
GO AHEAD AND CANCEL THAT.
72
00:03:26,733 --> 00:03:28,932
WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
73
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ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
LOOK, I KNOW AN APOLOGY
IS DUE HERE,
74
00:03:31,667 --> 00:03:35,266
SO, LOIS,
TELL QUAGMIRE YOU'RE SORRY
YOU HAD HIM ARRESTED.
75
00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:36,799
EXCUSE ME?
76
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:38,632
HE'S THE ONE
WHO OWES ME AN APOLOGY.
77
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HE WAS WATCHING ME
GO TO THE BATHROOM.
78
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WELL, CLEARLY HE THINKS
YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE, LOIS.
79
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IT'S A POSITIVE THING.
80
00:03:44,034 --> 00:03:46,865
THANK YOU, GLENN,
FOR COMPLIMENTING OUR FAMILY.
81
00:03:46,934 --> 00:03:49,265
WE HAVE HAD IT WITH
HIS DISRESPECT FOR WOMEN.
82
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WE'RE PETITIONING THE CITY
TO HAVE HIM REMOVED
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
83
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YEAH, I DON'T WANT
TO BRING A NEW BABY
84
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INTO THE WORLD
WITH HIM RUNNING AROUND.
85
00:03:56,201 --> 00:03:59,299
OK, FIRST OF ALL, BONNIE,
YOU'VE BEEN PREGNANT FOR,
LIKE, 6 YEARS, ALL RIGHT?
86
00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:00,598
EITHER HAVE THE BABY
OR DON'T.
87
00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:02,265
SECOND OF ALL,
QUAGMIRE'S A GOOD GUY.
88
00:04:02,401 --> 00:04:03,998
HE'S JUST
A LITTLE MIXED UP.
89
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:05,431
[groaning]
90
00:04:10,168 --> 00:04:11,899
[both grunting]
91
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,032
[tires screeching]
92
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,099
[tires squealing]
93
00:04:30,134 --> 00:04:31,798
[tires screeching]
94
00:04:31,867 --> 00:04:33,932
[train horn blaring]
95
00:04:34,001 --> 00:04:35,299
[bell clanging]
96
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:08,932
♪[band playing]
97
00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:10,698
THIS ISN'T MEDIUM RARE.
98
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:12,431
THEN HAVE THEM
TAKE IT BACK.
99
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[screaming]
100
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[groaning]
101
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[bell ringing]
102
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[ship's horn blowing]
103
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[people screaming]
104
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[tires screeching]
105
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[squawking]
106
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[Peter panting]
107
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SORRY ABOUT THAT.
108
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,299
SECOND OF ALL,
QUAGMIRE'S A GOOD GUY,
109
00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:37,032
YOU KNOW?
HE'S JUST A LITTLE MIXED UP.
110
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THAT'S ALL. COME ON.
111
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,998
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, EH?
112
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,632
ALL RIGHT.
BUT ONE MORE INCIDENT
113
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:43,199
LIKE THE ONE
AT THE BOWLING ALLEY
114
00:06:43,267 --> 00:06:45,665
AND QUAGMIRE IS OUT
OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
115
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NOW, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING, QUAGMIRE.
116
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YOUR PALS ARE GONNA
HELP YOU CHANGE YOUR WAYS.
117
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UH, I DON'T KNOW, PETER.
I'M NOT SURE I CAN DO THIS.
118
00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:01,565
[Glenn]
MEG, GET OUT OF THE WAY.
119
00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,133
ALL RIGHT, GLENN.
120
00:07:06,201 --> 00:07:09,099
THIS EXERCISE SHOULD HELP
TEACH YOU SELF-CONTROL.
121
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:14,731
HERE'S THIS MONTH'S
VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG.
122
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OH, OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
123
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UH, UH, D-DEAD KITTENS.
DEAD KITTENS.
124
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UH, UH, OLD NUNS.
UH, REALLY OLD NUNS.
125
00:07:20,234 --> 00:07:22,432
UH, RENEE ZELLWEGER.
OH, THERE WE GO.
126
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:23,899
[exclaims]
ALL RIGHT.
127
00:07:23,968 --> 00:07:25,365
YOU DID GOOD.
GOOD.
128
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:30,565
PETER, ARE YOU SURE
QUAGMIRE IS READY
TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC?
129
00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:31,966
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
LOIS.
130
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:34,498
WE FIGURED OUT
A FOOLPROOF
REHABILITATION METHOD.
131
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:35,798
I GOT THE IDEA
FROM WHEN
132
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BRIAN HAD TO WEAR THAT CONE
AFTER HIS OPERATION.
133
00:07:38,034 --> 00:07:41,499
OK, OK, IF I MAKE THIS,
WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID.
134
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,965
HA HA! YES!
SCORE! SCORE!
135
00:07:44,034 --> 00:07:46,699
BOY, I'D REALLY LIKE TO
CHEW ON MY CROTCH
RIGHT NOW.
136
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,765
OK, QUAGMIRE.
TIME TO TAKE OFF
YOUR TRAINING WHEELS.
137
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,999
UH.
OK, I THINK I'M READY.
138
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[chattering]
139
00:07:55,233 --> 00:07:56,432
[gulping]
140
00:07:57,934 --> 00:07:58,998
OH, BOY.
141
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,132
WHAT'S THE MATTER, GLENN?
142
00:08:00,201 --> 00:08:01,632
UH, NOTHING.
143
00:08:03,235 --> 00:08:06,299
OH, STACIE, YOU DROPPED
YOUR POMPOM IN THE WATER.
144
00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:08,099
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
I'LL COME WITH YOU.
145
00:08:08,168 --> 00:08:09,465
ME, TOO.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
146
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:11,598
WE DON'T WANT TO GET
OUR SWEATERS ALL WET.
147
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:13,264
BETTER TAKE THEM OFF.
148
00:08:13,934 --> 00:08:15,232
SPLASH FIGHT!
149
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,132
[all giggling]
150
00:08:19,434 --> 00:08:20,798
[moaning]
151
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,165
[groaning]
152
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:24,799
[stuttering]
OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
I NEED SOME AIR.
153
00:08:24,868 --> 00:08:26,298
I NEED SOME AIR.
154
00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:32,165
UH, NAKED PLASTIC CHICKS.
155
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,532
[screaming]
156
00:08:43,034 --> 00:08:44,266
WHERE--WHERE AM I?
AM I DEAD?
157
00:08:44,333 --> 00:08:45,832
NO.
158
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,298
THIS IS WHERE WE MONITOR
ALL THE DRESSING ROOMS
IN THE MALL
159
00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:50,232
SO WE CAN KEEP AN EYE
OUT FOR SHOPLIFTERS.
160
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:51,565
YOU DON'T SAY.
161
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,465
OH, MY GOD!
THAT ONE'S HAVING
A HEART ATTACK!
162
00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:57,832
[women exclaim]
163
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:04,565
[blowing]
164
00:09:04,634 --> 00:09:06,731
[coughing]
165
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,465
THAT WAS AMAZING.
YOU SAVED HER LIFE.
166
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:11,298
THANK GOD
YOU KNOW C.P.R.
167
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:12,999
WHAT THE HELL'S C.P.R.?
168
00:09:16,334 --> 00:09:17,765
CONGRATULATIONS, QUAGMIRE.
169
00:09:17,833 --> 00:09:20,432
YOU'RE THE NEWEST MEMBER
OF MY WALL OF FAME.
170
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:21,731
WHAT'S WRONG, PETER?
171
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,365
OH, IT'S NOTHING, JOE.
IT'S, I DON'T KNOW.
172
00:09:24,434 --> 00:09:27,631
IT'S--IT'S JUST THAT ALL
YOU GUYS HAVE SOMETHING
TO BE PROUD OF. YOU KNOW,
173
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,365
(Peter)
QUAGMIRE GOT A KEY
TO THE CITY.
174
00:09:29,434 --> 00:09:30,798
MORT BOWLED A PERFECT GAME.
175
00:09:30,867 --> 00:09:32,965
YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTING MEDALS
FOR CATCHING CROOKS.
176
00:09:33,034 --> 00:09:35,332
HELL, EVEN CLEVELAND
USED TO BE
AN ACCOMPLISHED AUCTIONEER.
177
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,332
[speaking rapidly]
I HAVE 125. DO I HEAR 130?
178
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,465
$130,000 FOR THIS AUTHENTIC
COMANCHE HEADDRESS?
179
00:09:39,534 --> 00:09:42,999
I GOT 130. I GOT 130.
DO I HEAR 135? 140?
DO I HEAR--
180
00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:44,532
[grunts]
181
00:09:44,601 --> 00:09:47,598
[speaking slowly]
135, GOING ONCE.
182
00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:50,399
I'M--I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE
WHO'S GOT NOTHING, YOU KNOW?
183
00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:53,565
I-IF I DIE TOMORROW,
THERE'S NOTHING
PEOPLE WOULD REMEMBER ME FOR.
184
00:09:53,633 --> 00:09:55,966
NOT IF YOU JUMPED OFF
A SKYSCRAPER
185
00:09:56,034 --> 00:09:58,433
AND LANDED ON
JOAN CUSACK.
186
00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:00,798
PEOPLE WOULD SAY,
"HEY, REMEMBER THAT GUY
187
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:03,132
WHO LANDED
ON JOAN CUSACK?"
188
00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:05,099
WELL,
THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE.
189
00:10:05,168 --> 00:10:08,598
FROM THIS DAY FORTH,
PEOPLE ARE GONNA KNOW
THE NAME PETER GRIFFIN
190
00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:11,231
EVEN IF I HAVE TO SHOUT IT
FROM THE ROOFTOPS.
191
00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:13,232
YOU HEAR THAT, WORLD?
192
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:16,398
I AM GONNA DO SOMETHING THAT
PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER ME FOR.
193
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:17,665
[yelping]
194
00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:18,832
[thuds]
195
00:10:18,901 --> 00:10:22,266
OH, OH, GOD! SORRY, SORRY.
HEY, JOAN CUSACK.
196
00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:24,599
HELLO?
197
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:27,099
OH-OH.
198
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:42,165
PETER, IF YOU'D JUST
LET ME TALK,
199
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:44,365
I'LL EXPLAIN TO YOU
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
200
00:10:44,434 --> 00:10:45,632
LATER, LATER, BRIAN.
201
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:47,631
I GOTTA DO SOMETHING
PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER ME FOR
202
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:51,099
WHICH IS WHY I'VE INVENTED
A NEW TYPE OF FLYING MACHINE.
203
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:53,965
YOU KNOW, I VAGUELY RECALL
SEEING FOOTAGE SOMEWHERE
204
00:10:54,034 --> 00:10:55,898
OF SOMETHING
EXACTLY LIKE THIS
205
00:10:55,967 --> 00:10:58,865
THAT, UH, LEADS ME TO BELIEVE
THIS PROBABLY WON'T WORK.
206
00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:00,865
ALL RIGHT, STEWIE.
LET HER RIP.
207
00:11:04,901 --> 00:11:05,932
ALL RIGHT
208
00:11:06,001 --> 00:11:07,898
WE ATTACK THE RICE KRISPIE
GUYS AT DAWN,
209
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,333
ASSUMING JUDD HIRSCH
DELIVERS THE GOODS.
210
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,233
BRIAN, THIS TIME,
211
00:11:13,301 --> 00:11:15,398
I THINK I GOT JUST THE THING
PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER ME FOR.
212
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:18,965
I AM GONNA
STOP POLLUTION WITH
MY NEW LOVABLE CHARACTER,
213
00:11:19,034 --> 00:11:21,265
GARY THE NO-TRASH COUGAR.
214
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:26,065
[children gasping]
PICK UP YOUR TRASH!
215
00:11:26,134 --> 00:11:28,099
I WANT TO KNOW
WHOSE CUP THIS IS.
216
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,232
[gun fires]
217
00:11:29,301 --> 00:11:32,466
I SAID I WANT TO KNOW
WHOSE CUP THIS IS!
218
00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:35,499
PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP!
PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP!
219
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:36,966
THANK YOU, SWEETIE.
220
00:11:37,034 --> 00:11:40,099
SEE WHAT
A NICER PLACE THIS IS
WHEN WE ALL PITCH IN?
221
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,032
LIKE GARY
THE NO-TRASH COUGAR SAYS:
222
00:11:43,101 --> 00:11:45,399
"GIVE A LARBAGE,
THROW OUT YOUR GARBAGE."
223
00:11:45,468 --> 00:11:46,599
SPREAD THE WORD.
224
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:47,732
[gun firing]
225
00:11:50,533 --> 00:11:52,265
[people chattering]
226
00:11:53,533 --> 00:11:55,266
THOSE FREAKING ELVES,
MAN.
227
00:11:55,335 --> 00:11:57,032
THEY JUST CAME OUT
OF THE TREES, MAN.
228
00:11:57,101 --> 00:11:58,698
THEY JUST CAME OUT
OF THE TREES.
229
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,299
YOU SAVED MY ASS
BACK THERE.
230
00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:01,665
YOU SAVED MINE.
231
00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:04,132
HERE'S TO SNAP.
232
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:05,431
TO SNAP.
233
00:12:06,134 --> 00:12:07,665
OH, THIS SUCKS.
234
00:12:07,734 --> 00:12:10,132
I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS ALL WEEK
AND I KEEP COMING UP DRY.
235
00:12:10,201 --> 00:12:13,198
WHO AM I KIDDING?
I'M NEVER GONNA
BE REMEMBERED FOR ANYTHING.
236
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:15,765
NOT LIKE
MY GREAT-GREAT-UNCLES,
THE SIAMESE TWINS
237
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,632
WHO FOUGHT EACH OTHER
IN THE CIVIL WAR.
238
00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:19,099
I'M SECEDING.
239
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:20,598
LIKE HELL YOU ARE.
240
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,465
NOT TOO SMART, HUH?
241
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:27,032
YEAH, DID NOT THINK
THAT ONE THROUGH.
242
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:30,565
PETER, YOU HAVE TO STOP
COMPARING YOURSELF
TO OTHER PEOPLE
243
00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:33,531
AND FIND OUT
WHAT'S SPECIAL ABOUT YOU.
244
00:12:33,601 --> 00:12:34,765
(Tom)
IN SADDER NEWS,
245
00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:36,665
THE MAN WHO HELD
THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD
246
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:38,099
FOR MOST DRUGS EVER DONE
247
00:12:38,168 --> 00:12:40,398
BY A SINGLE HUMAN BEING
DIED TODAY.
248
00:12:40,467 --> 00:12:42,798
HE WAS ATTACKED
BY A PACK OF WILD DOGS
249
00:12:42,868 --> 00:12:44,365
HE THOUGHT HE SAW.
250
00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:46,099
OOH, THERE YOU GO, PETER.
251
00:12:46,168 --> 00:12:47,665
YOU COULD BREAK
A WORLD RECORD.
252
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:49,932
WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?
I GOT NO SPECIAL TALENTS.
253
00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:51,899
W-W-WHAT CAN I DO
THAT NOBODY ELSE DOES?
254
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:53,799
WELL,
YOU JUST ATE MY TIP.
255
00:12:55,934 --> 00:12:57,266
I GOT IT!
256
00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:05,866
PETER,
YOU'RE REALLY PUTTING AWAY
THOSE MENTOS.
257
00:13:05,934 --> 00:13:07,631
OH, THESE AREN'T MENTOS,
LOIS.
258
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:09,698
EVERYBODY,
YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GUY
259
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,698
WHO'S GONNA SET
A NEW WORLD RECORD.
260
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:14,032
I AM GONNA
EAT MORE NICKELS
261
00:13:14,101 --> 00:13:16,498
THAN ANYONE HAS
EVER EATEN BEFORE.
262
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,798
SETTING THIS WORLD RECORD
IS GONNA MAKE ME FAMOUS
263
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:22,032
JUST LIKE
THE WORLD'S FATTEST TWINS
OVER THERE.
264
00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:23,798
DID I TELL YOU
THAT I'M DOING ATKINS?
265
00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:25,731
OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD
FOR YOU.
266
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,632
[crickets chirping]
267
00:13:27,701 --> 00:13:29,531
[coins jingling]
268
00:13:31,301 --> 00:13:32,498
DAD,
I JUST DON'T HEAR IT.
269
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:33,665
COME ON!
270
00:13:33,733 --> 00:13:35,264
REALLY, PETER.
IT JUST DOESN'T--
271
00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:37,331
YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
CAMPTOWN RACES?
272
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,531
NOT ONE BIT.
273
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,798
[laughing]
274
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:41,599
DO SHORT PEOPLE!
275
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:43,198
UH, THIS IS
THE WORST USE OF MONEY
276
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:44,899
SINCE I TRICKED OUT
MY BIG WHEEL.
277
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:46,699
♪[stereo playing]
278
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:56,698
HEY, LADIES,
CHECK OUT THIS RIDE, HUH?
YEAH.
279
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:59,565
I'M OFF TO MAKE TROUBLE
FOR THE ESTABLISHMENT.
280
00:14:00,701 --> 00:14:02,932
[crickets chirping]
281
00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:04,799
(Peter)
I LOVE YOU, LOIS.
282
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:06,932
(Lois)
OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, PETER.
283
00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:08,998
EVEN IF YOU ARE
FULL OF NICKELS.
284
00:14:09,534 --> 00:14:11,965
[coins jingling]
285
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:19,232
[jingling increasing]
286
00:14:23,034 --> 00:14:24,398
GOODNIGHT, HONEY.
287
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,032
[alarm beeping]
288
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:36,465
OH, MY GOD, LOIS.
I CAN'T SEE.
289
00:14:39,034 --> 00:14:40,165
(doctor)
UH, HOW ABOUT NOW?
290
00:14:40,234 --> 00:14:41,299
NO, NOTHING.
291
00:14:41,368 --> 00:14:43,099
WELL, THAT MAKES ME
FEEL MUCH BETTER.
292
00:14:43,168 --> 00:14:44,798
YOU CAN'T SEE THE SPACESHIP,
EITHER.
293
00:14:44,867 --> 00:14:47,432
MY COUSIN MARSHALL INSISTS
IF YOU LOOK PAST THE PICTURE
294
00:14:47,501 --> 00:14:48,865
YOU CAN SEE A SPACESHIP.
295
00:14:48,934 --> 00:14:51,065
CAN YOU PLEASE JUST TELL US
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HUSBAND?
296
00:14:51,134 --> 00:14:52,532
OH, YES. UH, WELL, YOU SEE,
297
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,765
AFTER INGESTING
SUCH A LARGE NUMBER
OF METAL COINS,
298
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:57,532
MR. GRIFFIN APPEARS
TO HAVE SUCCUMBED
TO NICKEL POISONING
299
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,932
CAUSING HIM TO
LOSE HIS SIGHT.
300
00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:00,765
OH, MY GOD, LOIS.
I'M BLIND AS A BAT.
301
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,364
I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING.
302
00:15:02,433 --> 00:15:04,498
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
YOU CAN'T SEE?
THE WRITING ON THE WALL.
303
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:07,098
VAUDEVILLE'S DEAD.
AND T.V.'S THE BOX
THEY'RE GONNA BURY IT IN.
304
00:15:07,166 --> 00:15:09,632
BACK THEN,
EVERYBODY HAD A SPECIALTY.
I, FOR ONE, AM A TUMBLER.
305
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,232
WATCH ME LEAP THROUGH
THIS BIG HOOP.
306
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:13,632
VAMP! VAMP!
307
00:15:21,834 --> 00:15:23,798
SO WE'RE ALL GONNA
HAVE TO PITCH IN
308
00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:26,665
AND HELP YOUR FATHER OUT
NOW THAT HE'S LOST HIS SIGHT.
309
00:15:26,734 --> 00:15:29,131
NOBODY TOOK CARE OF ME
WHEN I LOST MY ARMS AND LEGS
310
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,998
AND WAS STRUCK BLIND,
DEAF, AND DUMB.
311
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,499
HEY, HEY, MEG, THEY GOT
A HAPPY DAYS SPOOF IN HERE
312
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,398
BUT THEY CALL IT
CRAPPY DAYS.
313
00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:40,632
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
314
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,966
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA LAUGH,
THEN I'M NOT GONNA
KEEP YOU COMPANY.
315
00:15:43,034 --> 00:15:44,565
THIS SUCKS.
NOW THE ONLY THING
316
00:15:44,634 --> 00:15:46,865
ANYBODY'S GONNA REMEMBER
ME FOR AFTER I DIE
317
00:15:46,934 --> 00:15:48,798
IS BEING
THAT BLIND GUY.
318
00:15:48,867 --> 00:15:50,165
DON'T GIVE UP YET,
PETER.
319
00:15:50,234 --> 00:15:52,765
I MEAN, MANY BLIND PEOPLE
LIVE RICH, FULFILLING LIVES.
320
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,531
[sighing]
I DON'T KNOW, BRIAN.
321
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,965
I MEAN, I GUESS
I CAN GIVE IT A SHOT.
322
00:15:57,034 --> 00:15:58,065
[laughing]
323
00:15:58,133 --> 00:16:00,132
OH, MY GOD,
I ALMOST DIDN'T DO IT.
324
00:16:00,201 --> 00:16:01,498
I ALMOST DIDN'T DO IT.
325
00:16:01,567 --> 00:16:03,265
I THOUGHT,
"IS THIS IN BAD TASTE?"
326
00:16:03,334 --> 00:16:04,865
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WENT FOR IT.
327
00:16:04,934 --> 00:16:07,265
I WENT FOR IT
AND I AM SO GLAD I DID.
328
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:10,132
OH, WORTH IT.
TOTALLY WORTH IT.
329
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,999
[crickets chirping]
330
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:24,399
HEY, YOU STILL AWAKE,
LOIS, HONEY?
331
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,565
DAD?
332
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:27,832
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M YOUR DADDY.
333
00:16:27,901 --> 00:16:30,732
SSH, SSH, SSH.
DON'T TALK, LOIS.
DON'T TALK.
334
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,265
JUST LET ME DO
ALL THE WORK. YEAH.
335
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:37,532
NOW FEEL MY WARM BREATH
ON THE NAPE OF YOUR NECK.
336
00:16:37,601 --> 00:16:40,065
MY HANDS ON
YOUR BIG SOFT BOOBS
337
00:16:40,134 --> 00:16:42,531
RUNNING DOWN
YOUR BIG MANLIKE...
338
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,499
HOLY CRAP, IT'S CHRIS.
339
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:47,999
UH, UH, SO, UH,
HOW'RE YOU DOING?
340
00:16:48,867 --> 00:16:50,765
YOU DO
ALL YOUR HOMEWORK?
341
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:52,698
FINISH ALL YOUR SUBJECTS?
342
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,132
YES, SIR.
GOOD.
343
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,498
JUST, UH, JUST CHECKING.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, SON.
344
00:16:59,134 --> 00:17:00,531
(Peter)
YOU STILL AWAKE, HONEY?
345
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:01,698
(Stewie)
WHAT THE DEUCE?
346
00:17:07,034 --> 00:17:08,565
PETER,
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
347
00:17:08,633 --> 00:17:10,299
AH, THIS IS MY
SEEING EYE DOG, BRUTUS.
348
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:11,999
WHAT DO YOU NEED
A SEEING EYE DOG FOR?
349
00:17:12,068 --> 00:17:13,631
WELL, BECAUSE
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING
350
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:15,298
FOR MYSELF, BRIAN.
I CAN'T DRIVE.
351
00:17:15,366 --> 00:17:16,999
I DON'T KNOW WHEN
TO CROSS THE STREET.
352
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:19,032
AND I TOOK A DUMP
IN THE CHURCH CONFESSIONAL
353
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,198
WHICH I GUESS THEY FROWN UPON
IF YOU'RE NOT HOMELESS.
354
00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:23,632
I THOUGHT I COULD DEAL WITH
BEING BLIND AT FIRST.
355
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:24,765
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
356
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:26,331
I--I HAVEN'T FELT
THIS OUT OF PLACE
357
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,665
SINCE THAT WEEK
I LIVED WITH SUPERMAN.
358
00:17:29,868 --> 00:17:32,431
WE MUST STOP LEX LUTHOR
BEFORE HE IRRADIATES
359
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:34,365
THE WORLD'S SUPPLY OF GOLD.
360
00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:35,798
UH, HI, UH, SORRY.
361
00:17:35,867 --> 00:17:38,532
I KNOW YOU GOT
A MEETING GOING ON.
BUT, UH...
362
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:42,998
SO WE ARE OFFICIALLY
RUNNING LOW ON MR. PIBB
AND CHEEZ-ITS.
363
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,599
SO, UM,
JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE.
364
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:48,132
IF YOU'RE HEADING
TO THE STORE LATER, UH,
365
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,732
YOU KNOW, UH,
800-MILE DRIVE FOR ME,
366
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,432
LIKE, UH,
5 SECONDS FOR YOU.
367
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:53,765
WHATEVER. I'M NOT HERE.
368
00:17:53,834 --> 00:17:55,865
PETER, THIS IS SOMETHING
YOU'RE STILL ADJUSTING TO.
369
00:17:55,934 --> 00:17:57,899
YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO
GET USED TO IT OVERNIGHT.
370
00:17:57,967 --> 00:18:00,066
WHATEVER YOU SAY, BRIAN.
I'M GOING TO THE CLAM.
371
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:01,166
[door opens]
372
00:18:01,235 --> 00:18:02,298
[door closes]
373
00:18:02,366 --> 00:18:03,398
DID PETER LEAVE?
374
00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:05,799
YEAH. BOY,
HE'S REALLY DOWN ABOUT THIS.
375
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:08,298
OH, I KNOW.
I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT HIM.
376
00:18:08,366 --> 00:18:10,999
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
INTO SUPPORT GROUPS
WE COULD JOIN TO HELP HIM.
377
00:18:11,068 --> 00:18:12,298
[stammers]
378
00:18:12,366 --> 00:18:13,699
ARE--ARE YOU NOT
WEARING MAKEUP?
379
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,264
UH, NO, I JUST...
380
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:16,932
YOU KNOW,
SINCE PETER WENT BLIND
381
00:18:17,001 --> 00:18:18,231
IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN
KIND OF NICE
382
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,531
NOT TO HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT MY APPEARANCE.
383
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:22,198
I SEE.
384
00:18:22,266 --> 00:18:23,932
IS IT REALLY NOTICEABLE?
385
00:18:24,001 --> 00:18:26,899
WELL, UH, A LITTLE MASCARA
WOULDN'T KILL YOU.
386
00:18:26,968 --> 00:18:30,832
HUH, I WAS KIND OF THINKING
I'D TRY AN AU NATUREL THING.
387
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:34,931
YOU THINK, UH, YOU THINK
YOU HAVE THE SKIN FOR THAT?
388
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,732
[sign board buzzing]
389
00:18:36,801 --> 00:18:38,132
[people chattering]
390
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,565
OH, UH, LET ME LIGHT
THAT FOR YOU, BABE.
391
00:18:41,301 --> 00:18:42,365
WOW!
392
00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:44,232
YEAH, MAGIC FINGERS.
393
00:18:44,301 --> 00:18:45,364
[exclaims]
394
00:18:46,101 --> 00:18:47,132
JESUS CHRIST!
395
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,231
WHAT?
396
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:50,399
GET THE ESCALADE.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
397
00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:51,765
[people gasping]
398
00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:53,298
[glass shattering]
399
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,598
[people screaming]
400
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:02,731
[whimpering]
401
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,699
COME ON, GIRL.
I'M THIRSTY.
402
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:07,232
ALL RIGHT, YOU DON'T
WANT TO COME IN? FINE.
403
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,932
I'LL JUST TIE YOU TO
THIS PARKING METER.
404
00:19:10,001 --> 00:19:10,998
[barking]
405
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,433
[screaming]
406
00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:18,432
HEY, HORACE, UM,
407
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:19,932
I'LL HAVE
A PAWTUCKET PATRIOT.
408
00:19:20,001 --> 00:19:21,032
[groaning]
409
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:23,032
SO HOW'S YOUR
HAMMER HANGING?
410
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:24,398
[sniffing]
411
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:25,799
IS SOMEBODY SMOKING
IN HERE?
412
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:26,965
[sniffs]
413
00:19:27,034 --> 00:19:28,465
HUH.
414
00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:30,565
OH, HEY, YOU EVER WATCH
THAT SHOW SCRUBS?
415
00:19:30,634 --> 00:19:32,199
LOIS HAD IT ON
THE OTHER NIGHT
416
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:33,799
AND I WAS KIND OF
FADING IN AND OUT.
417
00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:36,065
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
I WAS WATCHING
A-AND I'M WONDERING,
418
00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:38,598
WHICH ONE IS THE FUNNY GUY?
419
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:39,699
[grunts]
420
00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:41,199
PETER, GRAB MY HAND!
421
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,632
JEEZ, HORACE,
YOU BEEN DRINKING?
422
00:19:42,701 --> 00:19:44,065
GRAB IT AND PULL!
423
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,431
COME ON, LET'S GO.
424
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,599
AND HERE COMES
THE HEROIC BLIND MAN.
425
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:54,732
TELL US, SIR, HOW DID YOU
SUMMON THE COURAGE
426
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,999
TO SAVE YOUR FRIEND
FROM THAT BURNING BUILDING?
427
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,532
THAT FREAKING PLACE
WAS ON FIRE?
428
00:19:58,601 --> 00:19:59,765
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
429
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:01,965
COMING UP NEXT,
WATCH ME SHAVE.
430
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:05,332
AH, PETER,
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT!
431
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,199
OH, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
FOR SAVING HORACE'S LIFE.
432
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:09,865
YEAH, PETER, YOU WERE AMAZING.
433
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:12,999
AH, YOU KNOW, BRIAN,
I GUESS I WAS.
434
00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:14,499
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
435
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:16,832
PEOPLE ARE GONNA REMEMBER ME
FOR THIS.
436
00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:25,265
♪[Star Wars theme music
playing]
437
00:20:33,301 --> 00:20:34,432
[growls]
438
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:35,765
[squealing]
439
00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:50,899
♪[Star Wars theme music
continues playing]
440
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:57,999
[beeping]
441
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:01,065
[beeping]
442
00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:07,665
[roaring]