1
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,565
This is a message
to all American infidels.
2
00:00:17,634 --> 00:00:20,732
Prepare to die
in a sea of holy fire.
3
00:00:20,801 --> 00:00:24,399
You will be punished
for your decadent ways
on the first day of Radaman.
4
00:00:24,468 --> 00:00:25,598
You...
5
00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:26,665
(ALL LAUGHING)
6
00:00:26,734 --> 00:00:28,699
Wait. Wait a minute.
Did I just say...
7
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:29,865
What did I say? "Radaman"?
8
00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:31,699
(STAMMERING)
9
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:32,932
Ramadan.
10
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,798
Radaman. What is that?
What is...
11
00:00:34,867 --> 00:00:38,265
Yeah, maybe Dennis "Radaman"
is gonna punish you
with his crazy hair.
12
00:00:38,334 --> 00:00:40,132
No?
MAN: Osama.
13
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,932
What's that? Right, right.
Yeah, no. Okay, okay.
14
00:00:44,001 --> 00:00:45,365
All right,
let's go again. Okay.
15
00:00:45,434 --> 00:00:47,365
This is a message to all...
16
00:00:47,434 --> 00:00:49,198
(LAUGHING)
17
00:00:49,267 --> 00:00:51,332
I'm not-- I'm not gonna
be able to do it now.
18
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,564
Okay, all right, okay.
I got to get all the...
19
00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:55,398
I got to get all
the laughs out. Okay?
20
00:00:55,466 --> 00:00:57,132
I got to get all
the laughs out.
21
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,398
Okay, all right.
MAN: Today sometime.
22
00:01:02,467 --> 00:01:04,365
Stop making
that face over there!
23
00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:05,799
(ALL LAUGHING)
What are you doing? I can't...
24
00:01:05,868 --> 00:01:08,232
He makes that face
and it makes me laugh, okay?
25
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,398
You know what,
just turn around.
Turn--Turn around.
26
00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:13,065
I don't care where you look.
Just look over there.
Okay, all right.
27
00:01:13,134 --> 00:01:14,465
They're-- They're--
They're cracking...
28
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:16,632
They're cracking up
over there. Okay.
29
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,932
Oh, yeah. Look who's
snickering over there.
30
00:01:19,001 --> 00:01:21,765
Mr. I-can't-do-
a-suicide-bombing-
because-I'm-sick.
31
00:01:21,834 --> 00:01:22,932
He had a-- He had a note.
32
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,132
MAN #1: He got you.
MAN #2: He's so bad.
33
00:01:24,201 --> 00:01:25,932
He had a note from his doctor.
34
00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:29,265
He brought a note
from his doctor.
It's a suicide bombing.
35
00:01:29,333 --> 00:01:30,732
MAN: It's true.
What are you...
36
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,365
Okay, all right.
Okay, all right. Here we go.
37
00:01:32,434 --> 00:01:35,166
This is where I get
all serious now.
Okay. Death...
38
00:01:35,234 --> 00:01:36,498
(LAUGHING)
39
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:39,731
I can't. I can't do it.
I can't do it. I can't.
40
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,765
Oh, come on.
Now you're just
trying to make...
41
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:43,598
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
42
00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:45,732
Look, look,
rubber chicken, you know?
43
00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:48,765
I should do, like,
the whole tape with this
in my hand, you know?
44
00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:51,898
Just totally, like,
with the chicken right here
because everyone will be like,
45
00:01:51,967 --> 00:01:55,632
"What the hell?
What-- What is--
What is 'Death to Americans'?"
46
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:57,632
Just let him do it.
Let him do the tape.
47
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,932
MAN: Talking chicken.
Don't blame me.
It was the chicken.
48
00:02:00,001 --> 00:02:01,932
He was...
Oh, no, no, no.
Actually, no.
49
00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:04,032
You know what would be better?
Hey, wait, wait.
50
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,333
Just walk out like this.
I just... Look...
51
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,365
I just come out like this,
but just, like, all serious.
52
00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:10,299
Like this totally,
like, completely serious.
53
00:02:10,367 --> 00:02:13,199
Like... Like I don't even
know I'm wearing them.
MAN: Oh, man!
54
00:02:13,268 --> 00:02:15,431
Death. Death to America.
55
00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:17,066
What? What?
What are you looking at?
56
00:02:17,134 --> 00:02:18,866
Do I have-- Do I have
something on my face?
57
00:02:18,934 --> 00:02:22,765
What? What? Right here? What?
Boys, I'm just wearing
my regular glasses.
58
00:02:22,834 --> 00:02:24,698
I always wear these.
MAN: That is crazy.
59
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:26,832
Hey, it's me
in an '80s movie, right? Yeah.
60
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,431
(ALL LAUGHING)
61
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:31,498
Hey, he got it.
He got it over there.
The little guy got it.
62
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:33,866
Who is that guy?
I've never seen him
around here before.
63
00:02:33,934 --> 00:02:35,865
How's it going, chief?
64
00:02:35,934 --> 00:02:38,866
Good day to you, sir.
And now prepare to die.
65
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,198
(SCREAMS)
66
00:02:42,334 --> 00:02:44,065
(MEN GROANING)
67
00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:58,598
(CHICKEN SQUEAKS)
68
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,298
(GROANS)
69
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,232
Who...
70
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,032
Who are you?
71
00:03:18,101 --> 00:03:19,665
I'm Stewie Griffin.
72
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:24,265
And don't ever let me
catch you guys in Quahog!
73
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,532
(SCREAMING)
74
00:03:28,734 --> 00:03:30,632
(POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING)
75
00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:34,432
(CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY)
76
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:36,531
(PEOPLE YELLING)
77
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:40,099
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
78
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:46,665
(TWINS GASPING)
79
00:03:49,433 --> 00:03:51,099
(MONSTER SNARLING)
80
00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:56,098
(LASER GUNS FIRING)
81
00:04:01,201 --> 00:04:02,265
(GROANS)
82
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,032
Hey, Stewie.
Who the hell is that?
83
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,732
(STAPLE GUN FIRING)
84
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:21,465
Peter, it's 5:30
in the morning.
85
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:23,565
Oh, sorry, Lois.
I didn't know you were home.
86
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,165
What the hell
are you doing?
87
00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:26,464
I'm laying down
the red carpet.
88
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:27,832
The Emmys are on tonight.
89
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:30,665
Oh, God. Don't tell me
you forgot about
Meg's play tonight.
90
00:04:30,734 --> 00:04:32,264
But, Lois, Meg sucks!
91
00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:34,932
Everything she does
is so freaking terrible
and depressing.
92
00:04:35,001 --> 00:04:37,165
Plus, I went to
her first grade play
that one time.
93
00:04:37,234 --> 00:04:41,232
Oh, Robin Hood,
the king is keeping me
prisoner here in his castle.
94
00:04:41,301 --> 00:04:43,665
Don't worry, Maid Marian,
I'll save you.
95
00:04:43,734 --> 00:04:46,565
Boy, you guys
are not sucking me
into the story at all.
96
00:04:46,633 --> 00:04:48,765
I'm just telling you
for your own benefit.
97
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:51,565
I'm-- I'm very aware
that I'm watching
a play right now.
98
00:04:51,633 --> 00:04:53,165
Come on, I got to
watch the Emmys.
99
00:04:53,233 --> 00:04:56,099
Peter, you're going
to Meg's play and that's that.
100
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:59,432
Is that that now,
Mrs. That's that?
101
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:03,431
If you're gonna shoot me,
you might want to tie
your shoelaces first.
102
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:04,665
(PETER SCREAMS)
103
00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,665
Now, are you gonna go
to Meg's play or not?
104
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:07,765
Yes!
105
00:05:07,834 --> 00:05:09,098
You like eating
red carpet, tough guy?
106
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:10,432
Yes!
107
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,132
Say you like
eating red carpet!
108
00:05:12,201 --> 00:05:13,965
PETER: I like
eating red carpet.
109
00:05:14,734 --> 00:05:15,732
Giggity.
110
00:05:20,833 --> 00:05:23,498
God, why do you wear
those rainbow suspenders?
111
00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:26,899
Well, I could tell you,
but I'd rather show you
112
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:29,332
through interpretive dance.
113
00:05:38,767 --> 00:05:40,165
(WAILS)
114
00:05:40,234 --> 00:05:41,698
Crying baby.
I'll take him out.
115
00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:44,665
You know, Lois,
if we leave now,
116
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:45,966
we can get home
and catch the Emmy
117
00:05:46,034 --> 00:05:47,332
for Best Documentary.
118
00:05:47,401 --> 00:05:49,798
Um, I hear there's one
on vacuuming.
119
00:05:49,867 --> 00:05:52,333
Really? Well,
that sounds interesting.
120
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,966
Wait a minute. You can't
fool me that easily.
121
00:05:55,034 --> 00:05:58,032
You are not watching
the Emmys tonight.
Now shush.
122
00:06:01,968 --> 00:06:04,765
Excuse me.
I got to go do
some black guy stuff.
123
00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:06,065
(WHINES)
124
00:06:06,134 --> 00:06:08,798
Man, this sucks worse than
my 16th birthday party.
125
00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:11,865
Thanks for coming
to my birthday party,
Jake Ryan.
126
00:06:11,934 --> 00:06:15,331
Thanks for having me
at your birthday party,
Peter. Make a wish.
127
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,398
It's already come true.
128
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:19,732
Here's your present.
129
00:06:19,801 --> 00:06:21,898
No, Jake! Not like this!
130
00:06:21,967 --> 00:06:23,065
(PETER SCREAMS)
131
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,199
Our top story,
beloved entertainer Bob Hope
132
00:06:28,268 --> 00:06:30,032
briefly came back
to life today
133
00:06:30,101 --> 00:06:32,431
only to die in a tragic
motorcycle accident.
134
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,599
Hey, I'm gonna jump
all those trash cans.
135
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:35,665
(CHUCKLES)
136
00:06:40,201 --> 00:06:44,032
In other news,
actor David Hyde Pierce
created a major controversy
137
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:45,632
at the Emmys last night
138
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:48,799
when a trouser malfunction
caused him to expose
his testicles.
139
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,766
Sure glad I didn't
miss the Emmys, Diane.
140
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,233
Oh, that's just great, Lois.
141
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:54,832
Thanks to you,
I missed a moment
of television history.
142
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:58,765
Well, now you know
how George W. Bush felt
when he showed up in Vietnam.
143
00:07:00,533 --> 00:07:02,665
All right, let's do this.
Let's kick some ass.
144
00:07:02,734 --> 00:07:05,199
Uh, George,
the war is over.
What?
145
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:07,531
Yeah, it's done.
Get out of here!
Are you serious?
146
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,199
Yeah.
Oh, man! Oh, man!
147
00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:11,832
I just got your messages.
And I--I... Oh, I'm sorry.
148
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,732
George, it's been
over for a while.
149
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,866
Really?
Yeah. It's 1981.
150
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:18,598
It's... Oh, oh, wow!
Oh, so I'm way late. Oh, boy!
151
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:20,565
Yeah.
Well, you want to do
something else?
152
00:07:20,634 --> 00:07:22,265
I got some blow.
Son of a bitch!
153
00:07:22,333 --> 00:07:24,598
It took you
this long to tell me?
Break it out, man!
154
00:07:26,734 --> 00:07:30,131
Gentlemen, we got 20 calls
about the David Hyde Pierce
incident.
155
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,832
And as you know,
one call equals
a billion people.
156
00:07:32,901 --> 00:07:36,265
Which means 20 billion people
were offended by this.
157
00:07:36,334 --> 00:07:38,099
Needless to say,
something must be done.
158
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,898
Perhaps we should
ask the chairman.
159
00:07:39,967 --> 00:07:41,531
Good idea.
160
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,398
Uh, sir, we're wondering
what course of action
you recommend
161
00:07:44,466 --> 00:07:46,231
regarding
the Hyde Pierce incident.
162
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,865
You've got to
censor television, you fools!
163
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,798
Now follow my orders.
164
00:07:57,034 --> 00:07:59,665
T.V. ANNOUNCER:
And now, stay tuned
for Three's Company.
165
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:02,899
Jack, are you out there?
I want to show you
my new bikini.
166
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:05,766
What the hell!
Why are they blocking out
all the good stuff?
167
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:08,264
(BLEEPING)
ANNOUNCER:
It's The...Van...Show
168
00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:10,531
(BLEEPING)
starring...Van...
169
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,232
They're messing
with my shows.
170
00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:14,398
Come to think of it,
there was something
very different
171
00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:16,532
about that Honeymooners
episode I watched today.
172
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,598
One of these days, Alice,
one of these days...
173
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:23,198
I'm gonna help
stimulate the economy
by buying an American car.
174
00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:26,732
This must be the FCC
overreacting to the
David Hyde Pierce incident.
175
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,465
They're censoring anything
that might be viewed
as unpleasant.
176
00:08:29,534 --> 00:08:32,665
What the hell! They let
Sarah Jessica Parker's
face on TV,
177
00:08:32,734 --> 00:08:34,032
and she looks like a foot.
178
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:36,665
Well, mark my words,
I'm gonna fight this.
179
00:08:38,968 --> 00:08:41,699
You're on TV, Mr. Tucker.
Can't you do something
about this?
180
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:44,066
Well, Peter, I'm flattered
you came to me for help.
181
00:08:44,134 --> 00:08:45,832
We'll have more after this.
182
00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:47,799
Good evening. We're back.
183
00:08:47,867 --> 00:08:49,132
Peter, to answer
your question,
184
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,631
if you want to
control content,
185
00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:52,765
you'd have to start
your own television station.
186
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,199
My own TV station?
187
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,366
I haven't had
my own business
188
00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:57,265
since I ran that
mail order operation.
189
00:08:57,334 --> 00:09:00,498
Yeah, uh, I bought a giant,
life-size slingshot from you,
190
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:01,931
and it just slammed me
into a mountain.
191
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,132
Sorry, no returns.
192
00:09:03,201 --> 00:09:04,965
I've been a customer
here for years.
193
00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:06,398
I can maybe give you
a store credit.
194
00:09:06,467 --> 00:09:08,732
But... Really?
Well, I guess...
195
00:09:08,801 --> 00:09:10,032
What's the holdup in here?
196
00:09:10,101 --> 00:09:11,265
I'm taking care of it.
197
00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:15,465
Peter, what are you doing?
What is all this stuff?
198
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:17,599
Dad's starting
his own TV station,
199
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,398
but I'm not supposed
to tell Mom
200
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:21,332
because she's just
gonna bitch him out.
201
00:09:21,401 --> 00:09:23,732
What the hell do you expect
to accomplish with this?
202
00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:25,732
I'm saving television, Lois.
203
00:09:25,801 --> 00:09:27,732
Apache Chief,
put the satellite
on the roof.
204
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,765
Sure, Peter. Apache Chief...
205
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:31,299
(SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)
206
00:09:35,101 --> 00:09:37,765
Well, that was
the high point of my day.
207
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:39,198
Guess I'll go gamble.
208
00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:49,598
Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin.
And you're watching PTV,
209
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:52,799
where you get to watch
your favorite shows
as nature intended them,
210
00:09:52,867 --> 00:09:56,032
with all the sex, violence,
swearing and farts intact.
211
00:09:56,101 --> 00:09:57,498
Like the episode
of All in the Family
212
00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:59,565
where Archie got
the Jeffersons to move.
213
00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:03,765
Time for you
to move there,
uh, Jefferson.
214
00:10:03,833 --> 00:10:07,832
Oh, Archie. I can't see
out of my sheet!
215
00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:09,665
Edith, will you
stifle yourself?
216
00:10:09,733 --> 00:10:11,799
We're supposed
to be incognitus.
217
00:10:11,868 --> 00:10:15,232
And who could forget
that classic episode
of The Waltons?
218
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:16,331
MARY ELLEN:
Goodnight, Jim-Bob.
219
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,765
JIM-BOB:
Goodnight, Mary Ellen.
220
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:20,198
Goodnight, Pa.
PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob.
221
00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:22,365
Goodnight, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa.
222
00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:24,998
Goodnight, Ma.
MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
223
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,198
Goodnight, John-Boy.
224
00:10:27,267 --> 00:10:28,865
Goodnight, John-Boy.
225
00:10:28,933 --> 00:10:29,965
(FOOTSTEPS)
226
00:10:30,034 --> 00:10:31,065
(DOOR OPENING)
227
00:10:31,134 --> 00:10:32,565
John-Boy?
228
00:10:32,634 --> 00:10:34,765
JOHN-BOY: Damn it!
Can't a guy masturbate
in this house?
229
00:10:37,934 --> 00:10:40,065
Peter, look
at these numbers.
We're a hit.
230
00:10:40,134 --> 00:10:42,966
You know, if I were you,
I'd think about expanding
your programming somehow.
231
00:10:43,034 --> 00:10:44,565
Brian, that's a great idea.
232
00:10:44,634 --> 00:10:47,732
That's exactly what we need
to take PTV to the next level.
233
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,765
Original programming.
234
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:53,165
Hi, there. And welcome
to The Peter Griffin
Side Boob Hour.
235
00:10:53,234 --> 00:10:55,665
A wonderful look back
on all the partial nudity
236
00:10:55,734 --> 00:10:57,765
network television
used to offer.
237
00:10:57,834 --> 00:11:00,265
Look at that side boob.
238
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:03,232
Check out this side boob.
239
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:06,765
How about that side boob?
That turn you on?
240
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:10,865
Well, it shouldn't,
because that's my side boob.
241
00:11:10,934 --> 00:11:12,665
Goodnight, everybody.
242
00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:13,898
So, what do you think?
243
00:11:13,967 --> 00:11:15,465
I'm not sure, Peter.
244
00:11:15,533 --> 00:11:17,765
You got to be careful
about what you put on
your network.
245
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:19,798
You know
how impressionable
children are.
246
00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:22,465
I mean, remember
what happened after
Chris saw Jackie Mason?
247
00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:24,632
Chris, you should have
left for school already.
248
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,364
Oy, shiksa,
don't start with me.
249
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:27,498
I didn't go,
I wanted to go,
250
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:28,798
I forgot to go,
I should have gone.
251
00:11:28,867 --> 00:11:30,732
Chris, just go!
Mom, relax.
252
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,298
You look so haggard, zebezel.
You should lie down
or your heart might go...
253
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:35,065
(EMITS FARTING SOUND)
254
00:11:35,134 --> 00:11:37,564
Lois, don't worry about it.
I got a bunch of great
new shows lined up.
255
00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:40,331
STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard
is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.
256
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,366
Oh, my God! Where is
my roast pheasant?
257
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:45,132
Hmm, by now I think it's
in my lower intestine.
258
00:11:45,201 --> 00:11:46,865
(LAUGHTER RESONATES)
259
00:11:46,934 --> 00:11:50,132
You ate it?
But I told you my boss
was coming here for dinner.
260
00:11:50,201 --> 00:11:51,732
Well, unless
he likes pork rinds,
261
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:53,165
he's going home hungry.
262
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,799
(LAUGHTER RESONATES)
263
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:56,331
You cheeky bastard.
264
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,799
(LAUGHTER RESONATES)
265
00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:00,365
(MAN CLAPPING)
266
00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:03,632
Welcome to Midnight Q.
267
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:07,032
Tonight we're gonna
enjoy the smooth jazz
of Charles Mingus.
268
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:10,065
Norman Mailer is here
to read an excerpt
from his latest book.
269
00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:13,065
And then we also have
a girl from Omaha
who's hiding a banana.
270
00:12:13,134 --> 00:12:14,332
We'll find out where.
271
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,099
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
Stick around.
272
00:12:20,335 --> 00:12:21,832
(GROANS) More fan mail.
273
00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:24,199
Sheesh, Brian,
people freaking love us.
We're gonna be huge.
274
00:12:24,268 --> 00:12:27,732
Peter, I really want you
to cancel that show
with the animals having sex.
275
00:12:27,801 --> 00:12:30,431
For your information, Lois,
it's called Dogs Humping,
276
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,999
and it is the cornerstone
of our Wednesday night lineup.
277
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:35,331
Lois, responsibility
lies with the parents.
278
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,431
There are plenty of things
that are much worse
for children than television.
279
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,498
Like when Peter babysat
for the neighbor's kid.
280
00:12:41,867 --> 00:12:43,732
All right, I couldn't
find your toys,
281
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:47,166
so why don't you just
play with this blow dryer
and these rattles?
282
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:50,298
Guess that's it.
You probably want me
to get out of your hair.
283
00:12:50,366 --> 00:12:53,198
So here's the Drano
in case there's a clog.
284
00:12:53,266 --> 00:12:56,732
Uh, soap's right there
next to the radio,
and towels are on the roof.
285
00:12:56,801 --> 00:12:59,598
So, goodnight.
286
00:12:59,667 --> 00:13:02,765
Look, it's one thing
for a network to run
inappropriate shows
287
00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:04,298
that I can't do
anything about.
288
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:06,565
But I will not
have it happening
in my own house.
289
00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:10,365
Lois, there is absolutely
nothing inappropriate
about my programming.
290
00:13:13,367 --> 00:13:15,399
CHRIS: All right, Dad.
You're on.
291
00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:18,465
Hey, PTV fans,
welcome to douchebags.
292
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:21,698
We're out here
on the I-95 overpass
doing our first segment,
293
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,932
"I dare you
to crap off of that."
294
00:13:24,001 --> 00:13:26,298
Basically,
we'll spend the day
crapping off things
295
00:13:26,366 --> 00:13:27,999
that others have
dared us to crap off.
296
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:29,132
I dared him.
297
00:13:29,201 --> 00:13:30,932
All right, here we go.
298
00:13:32,266 --> 00:13:34,465
I say, are those two pigs
vomiting up there?
299
00:13:34,534 --> 00:13:35,532
(LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM)
300
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:36,631
(SPLATTERING)
301
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:37,732
(TIRES SCREECH)
302
00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:38,899
(CAR CRASHES)
303
00:13:38,967 --> 00:13:39,999
Uh-oh.
304
00:13:40,068 --> 00:13:41,698
Now, Lois, before
you start yelling,
305
00:13:41,767 --> 00:13:43,398
let me remind you
that you were the one
306
00:13:43,467 --> 00:13:45,698
who recklessly drove
into oncoming crap.
307
00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:47,331
It was inexcusable, Peter.
308
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,032
And Stewie may
never be able to
ride in a car again.
309
00:13:50,101 --> 00:13:51,765
Turn off
the windshield wipers.
310
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:54,331
They don't work.
They're just making it worse.
311
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,699
Peter, that's it.
312
00:13:55,767 --> 00:13:58,332
I asked you to stop this
and you didn't listen to me.
313
00:13:58,401 --> 00:14:02,466
I'm sorry, but you
left me no other choice.
I called the FCC.
314
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,365
Oh, yeah. I know
all about the FCC.
315
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:08,632
♪ They will clean up
all your talking ♪
316
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,465
♪ In a manner such as this ♪
317
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:12,299
♪ They will make you
take a tinkle ♪
318
00:14:12,368 --> 00:14:14,098
♪ When you want to
take a piss ♪
319
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:16,299
♪ And they'll make you
call fellatio ♪
320
00:14:16,367 --> 00:14:17,765
♪ A trouser-friendly kiss ♪
321
00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:19,832
♪ Is the plain situation ♪
322
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:21,465
♪ There's no negotiation ♪
323
00:14:21,533 --> 00:14:24,199
♪ With the fellas
at the freakin' FCC ♪
324
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,099
♪ They're as stuffy
as the stuffiest ♪
325
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:30,732
♪ Of special-interest groups ♪
326
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,731
♪ Make a joke
about your bowels ♪
327
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,332
♪ And they order in
the troops ♪
328
00:14:34,401 --> 00:14:36,099
♪ Any baby with a brain ♪
329
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:38,032
♪ Could tell them
everybody poops ♪
330
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:40,099
♪ Take a tip, take a lesson ♪
331
00:14:40,168 --> 00:14:41,932
♪ You'll never win
by messing ♪
332
00:14:42,001 --> 00:14:45,232
♪ With the fellows
at the freakin' FCC ♪
333
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,165
♪ And if you find yourself ♪
334
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:50,965
♪ With some young,
sexy thing ♪
335
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:55,165
♪ You're gonna
have to do her ♪
336
00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:57,331
♪ With your ding-a-ling ♪
337
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,431
(SCREAMS)
338
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:00,165
♪ 'Cause you can't
say penis ♪
339
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:02,099
♪ So they sent
this little warning ♪
340
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:04,065
♪ They're prepared
to do their worst ♪
341
00:15:04,134 --> 00:15:05,865
♪ And they stuck it
in your mailbox ♪
342
00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:07,598
♪ Hoping you could
be coerced ♪
343
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,698
♪ I can think of quite
another place ♪
344
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:11,365
♪ They should've
stuck it first ♪
345
00:15:11,434 --> 00:15:13,432
♪ They may just be neurotic ♪
346
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,098
♪ Or possibly psychotic ♪
347
00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:20,298
♪ They're the fellows
at the freakin' FCC ♪♪
348
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:24,299
(CLAPPING)
349
00:15:24,368 --> 00:15:26,631
Mr. Griffin,
that was terrific.
350
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:28,365
But I'm here to tell you,
that as of today,
351
00:15:28,433 --> 00:15:30,565
PTV is officially
shut down.
352
00:15:30,634 --> 00:15:32,264
Shut me down, huh?
353
00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:34,099
Well, you'll have to
catch me first.
354
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,465
(SCREAMING)
355
00:15:47,266 --> 00:15:48,932
All right, you caught me.
356
00:15:49,001 --> 00:15:51,498
We're tired of you
infecting people
with your smut.
357
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:53,966
This is an epidemic.
And it must be contained.
358
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:56,865
Well, Mr. FCC,
you can stop PTV,
359
00:15:56,934 --> 00:15:59,998
but you can never
stop people from being
who they are!
360
00:16:00,934 --> 00:16:02,433
Or can we?
361
00:16:05,234 --> 00:16:06,465
(SCREAMS)
362
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:09,099
What are you doing?
Censoring real life.
363
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,565
His chin
looks like balls.
364
00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:11,932
You want me
to cover that, too?
365
00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:17,431
How long are you guys
gonna be censoring us?
366
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:20,632
Until you and all of Quahog
start to clean up your act.
367
00:16:20,701 --> 00:16:25,032
Like Ozzy Osbourne
when he stopped biting
the heads off bats.
368
00:16:25,101 --> 00:16:29,299
Before I start playing,
I'm gonna eat
this whole sandwich.
369
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:31,265
(CROWD CHEERING)
370
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:45,399
I'll finish it later.
371
00:16:45,467 --> 00:16:46,499
Yay!
372
00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:48,332
Lois, these eggs
are scrambled.
373
00:16:48,401 --> 00:16:51,598
I thought for sure
you'd be making
eggs Benedict Arnold.
374
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:52,699
(SNICKERS)
375
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,965
Brian, stop writing
jokes for Peter.
376
00:16:55,034 --> 00:16:56,799
And, Peter,
you brought this
on yourself
377
00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:58,599
by putting on
those filthy shows.
378
00:16:58,667 --> 00:16:59,931
Oh, Lois, you are so
full of...
379
00:17:00,001 --> 00:17:01,032
(HORN BLARES)
380
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,166
What?
381
00:17:02,235 --> 00:17:05,332
Now I can't say...
in my own...house?
382
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,364
Great, Lois.
Just...great.
383
00:17:07,433 --> 00:17:10,699
You know, you're lucky
you're good at...my...
or I'd never put up with you.
384
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:11,932
You know what
I'm talking about.
385
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,032
When you...
lubed up...toothpaste
386
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:18,265
in my...cherry...
Episcopalian...
extension cord...
387
00:17:18,333 --> 00:17:20,265
wetness...
with a parking ticket.
388
00:17:20,334 --> 00:17:21,832
That is the best.
389
00:17:26,268 --> 00:17:27,365
What the hell is this?
390
00:17:27,433 --> 00:17:29,665
The FCC has forbidden
audible flatulence.
391
00:17:29,734 --> 00:17:31,999
Everyone is now required
to wear this device
392
00:17:32,068 --> 00:17:34,832
that converts all fart sounds
into Steven Wright jokes.
393
00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:38,032
I spilled spot remover
on my dog. Now he's gone.
394
00:17:38,101 --> 00:17:39,299
Oh, this is bogus!
395
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,232
Two shakes, that's it.
Move along.
396
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,699
Oh. Why, thank you,
tinkle fairy.
397
00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:51,765
Lois, you ruined everything,
you know that?
398
00:17:51,834 --> 00:17:53,698
Peter, I know it's
a little extreme.
399
00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:55,298
But when it comes
to our children,
400
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:57,965
it's better to err
on the safe side.
Isn't that right?
401
00:17:58,034 --> 00:18:01,132
No. You know, Lois,
if everybody was as
closed-minded as you,
402
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,165
the world wouldn't
have some of its most
inspired creations.
403
00:18:05,733 --> 00:18:08,866
Man, this chocolate bar
is delicious.
404
00:18:10,533 --> 00:18:13,298
Oh, yeah.
I love peanut butter.
405
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,498
(SIREN WAILS)
406
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,665
I'm Officer Reeses.
What happened here?
407
00:18:19,734 --> 00:18:22,299
He got peanut butter
on my chocolate.
408
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,032
He got chocolate
in my peanut butter.
409
00:18:31,734 --> 00:18:33,333
Oh, come on.
410
00:18:33,401 --> 00:18:35,465
I know what'll
make you feel better.
411
00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:37,332
How about a little
angry sex, huh?
412
00:18:37,401 --> 00:18:38,699
Oh, all right.
413
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:40,164
(BLARES)
414
00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:42,699
Whoa! Whoa!
Those actions are
highly inappropriate.
415
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:45,299
What? Wait a minute.
We're not allowed to have sex?
416
00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:46,498
Oh, you can have sex.
417
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:48,398
Just no moaning,
no tongue-kissing,
418
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:50,998
no thrusting,
no movement whatsoever.
419
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,032
Well, this isn't
very romantic.
420
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:57,299
I mean, how are we
supposed to...
421
00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:58,832
I'm done. Night, Lois.
422
00:18:58,901 --> 00:19:00,399
(SNORING)
423
00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:06,698
Come on, you son of a...
424
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,065
Oh...me.
425
00:19:10,134 --> 00:19:11,298
Brian, would you mind?
426
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,498
(GROANS) Yeah, sure.
427
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:13,866
Oh, sorry.
428
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:15,631
I haven't had sex
in two weeks.
429
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,865
I'm just a little
on edge lately.
430
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:21,099
(SCOFFS) A little?
There wasn't this much tension
when the slaves were freed.
431
00:19:21,167 --> 00:19:24,231
Uh, okay, so, uh,
you're free to go.
432
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,665
But we're cool, right?
433
00:19:25,734 --> 00:19:27,565
(SIGHS) Peter,
we have to talk.
434
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:30,399
Look, I thought this FCC thing
was a good idea at first,
435
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:32,231
but it's-- it's just
gone way too far.
436
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:34,231
What, uh, are you
saying, Lois?
437
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:35,599
Well,
438
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:38,131
I don't want to admit it,
but I think you were right.
439
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,866
I don't believe it!
Finally I can do this!
440
00:19:43,068 --> 00:19:45,398
I set that thing up
15 years ago.
441
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:46,999
Hey, where's the clown?
442
00:19:47,068 --> 00:19:50,099
We've got to do
something about this.
Pack your bag, Peter.
443
00:19:50,168 --> 00:19:52,398
We're going to Washington.
444
00:19:52,466 --> 00:19:53,598
Oh, there he is.
445
00:19:55,467 --> 00:19:56,532
Are we there yet?
446
00:19:56,601 --> 00:19:57,999
No, Chris,
honey, we're not.
447
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,065
Are we there yet?
448
00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:00,165
No, Chris.
449
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:01,232
Are we there yet?
450
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,032
Yes, Chris, yes.
Okay? We're there.
451
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:04,165
Liar!
452
00:20:04,234 --> 00:20:05,765
East of Eden?
453
00:20:05,834 --> 00:20:08,765
So you--you pretty much
do whatever Oprah
tells you to, huh?
454
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:11,832
You know, this book's
been around for 50 years.
It's a classic.
455
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:13,265
But you just
got it last week,
456
00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:15,332
and there's a giant
Oprah sticker on the front.
457
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,331
Oh, oh, is that
what that is?
458
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,998
Let me just peel
that right off.
459
00:20:18,067 --> 00:20:19,865
So, uh, what are you
gonna read after that one?
460
00:20:19,933 --> 00:20:21,332
Well, she hasn't
told us yet. Damn!
461
00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:25,398
And the motion carries.
462
00:20:25,467 --> 00:20:27,965
The janitor's
new nickname is Sweepy.
463
00:20:28,034 --> 00:20:29,166
(CROWD CHATTERING)
464
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:31,199
(FART RESONATING)
465
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:41,098
Gentlemen,
that was a fart.
466
00:20:41,166 --> 00:20:42,399
What's going on out here?
467
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:43,898
I'll tell you
what's going on.
468
00:20:43,967 --> 00:20:45,598
This government's FCC
469
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,899
is trying to take
all the farts away
from television!
470
00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:50,532
And all the sex,
and all the nudity,
and all the poop.
471
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:52,199
Well, I say it's wrong.
472
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:55,098
These things are
part of the fabric
of American life.
473
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:56,765
Well, we appreciate
your passion
474
00:20:56,834 --> 00:20:58,966
but this Congress
supports the FCC.
475
00:20:59,034 --> 00:21:00,498
Indecency is un-American.
476
00:21:00,567 --> 00:21:01,831
Oh, yeah?
477
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:04,198
Well, I can prove to you
that that's a bunch of bull.
478
00:21:04,267 --> 00:21:05,364
Look around you.
479
00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:06,899
The Washington Monument.
480
00:21:06,968 --> 00:21:09,398
Looks an awful lot
like a penis, doesn't it?
481
00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:12,932
The Capitol Building,
quite obviously a giant boob.
482
00:21:13,001 --> 00:21:14,732
And the Pentagon?
483
00:21:14,801 --> 00:21:18,398
Well, you look me in the eye
and tell me it doesn't look
like a big anus.
484
00:21:18,467 --> 00:21:21,465
My God! How could we
have been so blind?
485
00:21:21,534 --> 00:21:23,265
He's absolutely right.
486
00:21:23,334 --> 00:21:26,365
Come to think of it,
have you ever looked closely
at the Lincoln Memorial?
487
00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:33,966
Our top story, the FCC's
content ban on Quahog
has finally been lifted.
488
00:21:34,034 --> 00:21:37,066
Well, you did it, Peter.
You beat the FCC.
489
00:21:37,135 --> 00:21:40,699
(SHUSHING) Lois, Lois,
let's watch The Brady Bunch.
490
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:42,365
Look what I did, everybody.
491
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:45,599
Isn't it the biggest,
most super-special poop
you've ever seen?
492
00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:47,365
(GIGGLES)
493
00:21:47,434 --> 00:21:50,999
Well, Cindy, I guess
it's true that big things
come in small packages.
494
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:52,065
(ALL LAUGHING)