1
00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:05,766
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,834 --> 00:00:09,298
♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:12,698
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,768 --> 00:00:15,932
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,001 --> 00:00:19,298
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,366 --> 00:00:22,665
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:24,332
♪ all the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,898
♪ laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,967 --> 00:00:30,832
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:37,533 --> 00:00:39,099
A-Team roll call. Face.
11
00:00:39,168 --> 00:00:40,431
Here and handsome.
12
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:41,532
Murdoch?
13
00:00:41,601 --> 00:00:43,231
Here and crazy.
14
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,164
B.A.?
I pity the fool.
15
00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:48,232
But I also suggest ways
he may better himself.
16
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,032
Man, this is gonna be
a fun day.
17
00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:53,531
Much better than that day
I tried Tag body spray
for sick cats.
18
00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:55,798
(MISTING)
19
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:57,832
(CATS YOWLING)
20
00:00:57,901 --> 00:00:59,698
Oh, oh, oh, God.
21
00:00:59,767 --> 00:01:01,965
Oh, God. Oh, oh, no.
22
00:01:02,034 --> 00:01:05,299
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ew! Ew!
23
00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:08,199
Ew! Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
24
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:09,333
You're cute.
You're cute.
25
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,266
I don't want to
pet you, though.
26
00:01:12,834 --> 00:01:14,331
Oh, all right.
27
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:15,831
(RETCHING)
28
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,498
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
29
00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:19,565
(VOMITING)
30
00:01:19,633 --> 00:01:21,532
Oh, no! Okay.
No, yeah, no.
31
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,632
This spray is
not for me.
32
00:01:25,633 --> 00:01:27,398
Brian, what are you
doing here?
33
00:01:27,467 --> 00:01:28,832
Yeah. You look
just like Alf.
34
00:01:28,901 --> 00:01:30,266
Peter, I'm not Alf.
35
00:01:30,333 --> 00:01:32,298
Actually,
I'm Douglas Brackman
from L. A. Law,
36
00:01:32,366 --> 00:01:34,732
but I'm really here to write
an article on the convention
for The Daily Shopper.
37
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,798
Well, you'll have a lot
to write about after we win
the costume contest.
38
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,932
Hey, check it out.
Bill Cosby aerobics.
39
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,299
♪♪(THE COSBY SHOW
THEME SONG PLAYING)
40
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,965
Okay, everyone.
Alan Thicke will be up
in a minute
41
00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:50,632
to answer your hate mail.
42
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:52,732
But first, the winners
of this year's
costume contest:
43
00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:55,231
the A-Team with
the real black guy.
44
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:57,966
Sweet!
All right! All right!
45
00:01:58,034 --> 00:02:00,531
Okay, you can stop
with that cigar now, Gary.
46
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:02,698
My sinuses will thank you.
47
00:02:11,001 --> 00:02:13,366
Brian, I read your article
in The Daily Shopper.
48
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,599
It was wonderful.
49
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:15,899
Oh, don't oversell it, Lois.
50
00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:17,365
No, it was good.
51
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:20,166
It almost felt like
it was written
by a real writer.
52
00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:21,932
I read your article,
too, Brian.
53
00:02:22,001 --> 00:02:24,233
It seems to me
you should spend less time
working for the paper
54
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:26,698
and more time working
on that novel
you've been working on.
55
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:27,832
(SCREAMS)
You know...
56
00:02:27,901 --> 00:02:29,066
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
57
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:31,665
This is Brian.
Brian, this is
Wellesley Shepherdson.
58
00:02:31,734 --> 00:02:33,298
I'm calling from
The New Yorker.
59
00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:34,832
Perhaps you've heard of us?
60
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:36,499
(CHORTLING)
61
00:02:36,567 --> 00:02:38,165
Yeah, of course
I've heard of you.
62
00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:41,265
I was using The Daily Shopper
to shoo away
a homeless person,
63
00:02:41,334 --> 00:02:42,632
and I saw your article.
64
00:02:42,701 --> 00:02:45,065
We'd love to talk to you
about becoming a contributor.
65
00:02:45,134 --> 00:02:46,565
Why don't you
come by tomorrow?
66
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,465
Wow! Yeah.
That'd be great.
67
00:02:48,534 --> 00:02:50,165
All right. 2:00.
I'll see you then.
68
00:02:50,233 --> 00:02:52,066
They want me to contribute
to The New Yorker.
69
00:02:52,134 --> 00:02:55,765
The New Yorker?
You'll fit in there as well as
I did at Woodstock.
70
00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:57,998
Excuse me.
It's been brought
to my attention
71
00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:01,465
that a few bad apples
out there are
smoking marijuana.
72
00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:04,798
I've got news
for you, my friend.
Marijuana's illegal.
73
00:03:04,867 --> 00:03:06,699
(CROWD JEERING)
Not cool.
All right then.
74
00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:08,798
♪ Establishment ♪
75
00:03:08,867 --> 00:03:10,798
♪ Establishment ♪
76
00:03:10,867 --> 00:03:14,132
♪ You always know
what's best ♪♪
77
00:03:14,201 --> 00:03:15,832
MAN: You suck!
Learn the rules!
78
00:03:18,134 --> 00:03:19,766
And this is
our writers' lounge
79
00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:21,464
where you'll meet
some of our contributors.
80
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:23,532
Fielding Wellingtonsworth.
Hello.
81
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,832
Livingston Winstofford.
Yes.
82
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,999
Amelia Bedford
Furthington Chesterhill.
83
00:03:28,068 --> 00:03:29,065
Good day.
84
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,966
And James William Bottomtooth.
85
00:03:31,034 --> 00:03:32,866
(MUMBLING)
86
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:35,398
Everyone, this is Brian,
our newest contributor.
87
00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:36,866
Hi, there.
How's it going?
88
00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,932
Would you like some tea?
Cigar?
89
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:39,965
Brandy?
90
00:03:40,034 --> 00:03:41,366
(MUMBLING)
91
00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:43,032
No. I'm good, thanks.
92
00:03:43,101 --> 00:03:44,765
We read your article, Brian.
93
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:49,198
Your study in postmodern
American subcultures
was quite illuminating.
94
00:03:49,267 --> 00:03:52,266
Oh, wow, thanks.
That really means a lot
coming from you guys.
95
00:03:52,334 --> 00:03:53,332
(MUMBLING)
96
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:55,232
Uh...
97
00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:56,432
I'm sorry?
98
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:57,498
(MUMBLING)
99
00:03:58,367 --> 00:03:59,365
Uh...
100
00:04:00,201 --> 00:04:01,432
Yes?
101
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:02,999
(MUMBLING)
102
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:07,798
Hey, is there
a bathroom around here?
103
00:04:07,867 --> 00:04:09,099
Yes, yes. Follow me.
104
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:12,698
Um,
105
00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:14,032
where are the toilets?
106
00:04:14,101 --> 00:04:15,932
Oh, no one
at The New Yorker
has an anus.
107
00:04:18,868 --> 00:04:20,932
Peter, it's been two weeks.
108
00:04:21,001 --> 00:04:23,765
Don't you think
it's time to take off
your A-Team costume?
109
00:04:23,834 --> 00:04:25,498
Yeah, I guess so.
110
00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:29,232
But part of me wished
we could just be
the A-Team forever, you know?
111
00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:31,266
This damn chair
keeps wobbling.
112
00:04:31,335 --> 00:04:32,832
I think one of the legs
is short.
113
00:04:32,901 --> 00:04:34,898
Lance, I told you
to fix that chair!
114
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:36,632
I checked it earlier.
It seems fine.
115
00:04:39,233 --> 00:04:42,066
Oh, that chair's
always like that.
Here, we'll help you.
116
00:04:46,901 --> 00:04:48,132
Wow, thanks!
117
00:04:48,201 --> 00:04:51,066
Hey, if we could fix
that wobbly chair,
118
00:04:51,134 --> 00:04:53,665
think of what else
we could do
for our community.
119
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:55,032
Cleveland's right.
120
00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:57,999
It seems it's our destiny
to be the A-Team after all.
121
00:04:58,067 --> 00:04:59,232
(ALL CHEERING)
122
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,866
We're the A-Team!
Yeah!
123
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:06,098
MALE NARRATOR:
In 2005, a group of local
misfits won a costume contest
124
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:08,066
at an '80s TV convention.
125
00:05:08,135 --> 00:05:11,365
These men promptly
returned home
and drank some beer.
126
00:05:11,434 --> 00:05:13,932
Today they survive
as soldiers of fortune.
127
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,665
If you have a problem,
if no one else can help,
128
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:18,465
and if you can find them,
129
00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:20,532
maybe you can hire The A-Team.
130
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,598
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
131
00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:54,099
(WINCING)
132
00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:55,832
(GROANING)
133
00:05:56,734 --> 00:05:58,765
(CARS HONKING)
134
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:01,731
So I said to him,
"Brown liquor
before Labor Day?
135
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,665
"What, do you
work for Esquire?"
136
00:06:04,767 --> 00:06:06,365
Oh, Brian, how droll!
137
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,099
We'll have to put that
into a cartoon.
138
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:11,066
Or as we call it,
an illustrated
laughing square.
139
00:06:11,134 --> 00:06:12,598
Wow. You went
to Harvard, huh?
140
00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,765
I'm an Ivy League man myself.
I went to Brown.
141
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:18,432
My incarcerated business
partner's retarded
gay niece went to Brown.
142
00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:19,665
What year did you graduate?
143
00:06:19,734 --> 00:06:22,098
Well, I mean, I didn't
technically graduate.
144
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,732
(GASPING)
You're a college dropout?
145
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:27,465
Brian, The New Yorker
does not employ your kind.
146
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:29,565
You, sir, are fired!
147
00:06:29,634 --> 00:06:31,199
(DOOR SLAMMING)
148
00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:34,233
MAN: No dogs allowed.
149
00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:45,998
Oh, Brian, I can't believe
they fired you.
150
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,532
How come you never told us
you dropped out of college?
151
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:51,299
I saw an after-school
special about that.
152
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,232
It didn't work out too well
for Kristy McNichol.
153
00:06:54,301 --> 00:06:56,032
But then again,
nothing did.
154
00:06:56,101 --> 00:06:58,799
I was only one course
shy of graduating
155
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:00,432
and I just cracked
under the pressure.
156
00:07:00,501 --> 00:07:02,999
And now it just cost me
the best job I ever had.
157
00:07:03,068 --> 00:07:04,598
Well, don't take it too hard.
158
00:07:04,667 --> 00:07:06,465
You're not the first person
to get fired.
159
00:07:06,533 --> 00:07:09,099
Look, uh, Louis,
the French people really
want to thank you
160
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,799
for your services as king.
161
00:07:10,868 --> 00:07:12,932
But it's just
not working out
162
00:07:13,001 --> 00:07:14,999
and we've decided
to go another way.
163
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,065
So...
164
00:07:16,134 --> 00:07:17,165
(SLICING)
165
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:18,465
Yeah.
166
00:07:18,534 --> 00:07:20,198
I just heard
the dog got fired.
167
00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:22,032
Did I miss it?
Did he cry yet?
168
00:07:22,101 --> 00:07:23,665
Oh, come on, dog.
Cry for me.
169
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,331
There, there you are.
170
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,264
Oh, yeah.
Cry for Stewie.
171
00:07:27,333 --> 00:07:29,198
Life isn't what you thought
it would be.
172
00:07:29,267 --> 00:07:31,331
Boy, I'll tell you,
not graduating from college
173
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,665
has haunted me for years.
174
00:07:32,733 --> 00:07:34,865
But, Brian, if you only had
one class left,
175
00:07:34,934 --> 00:07:36,798
why don't you just
go back and finish?
176
00:07:36,867 --> 00:07:38,232
Plenty of people do that.
177
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,098
You know, Lois,
that's not a bad idea.
178
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:41,432
STEWIE: Well, this is boring.
179
00:07:41,501 --> 00:07:43,265
Let's go see
what Meg is up to.
180
00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:45,399
(CRAWLING RAPIDLY)
181
00:07:51,133 --> 00:07:52,498
STEWIE: Hello, Meg.
182
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:55,565
(STEWIE GASPS)
183
00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:58,098
(STEWIE COUGHING)
184
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:09,098
(SNIFFS)
185
00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:10,165
(SIGHS)
186
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:17,032
(GASPING)
187
00:08:17,101 --> 00:08:18,766
Stewie? What the hell
are you doing here?
188
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:21,364
Are you kidding?
I couldn't miss watching
you crash and burn
189
00:08:21,433 --> 00:08:23,531
in this misguided attempt
to finish college.
190
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,066
Look, you're not staying.
191
00:08:25,134 --> 00:08:26,965
I'm gonna call Lois
and have her pick you
up right now.
192
00:08:27,034 --> 00:08:28,998
Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb.
193
00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:31,332
I like cutting myself.
I bleed a lot.
194
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,298
Could I have the top bunk?
195
00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:35,298
He already has
a roommate. Me.
196
00:08:35,366 --> 00:08:37,532
We're a couple of
crazy college kooks.
197
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,999
For example, we're about
to make a hilarious
answering-machine message.
198
00:08:41,068 --> 00:08:44,133
Uh, you've reached
Stewie and Brian.
We're not here right now.
199
00:08:44,201 --> 00:08:47,766
Uh, and if this is Mom, uh,
send money because
we're college students
200
00:08:47,834 --> 00:08:50,465
and we need money
for books and highlighters,
201
00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:52,465
and Ramen Noodles,
202
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,665
and condoms
for sexual relations
with our classmates.
203
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,665
All right, fine.
You can stay if you want.
But what do I tell Lois?
204
00:09:02,734 --> 00:09:04,132
You don't have to
tell her anything.
205
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,099
Gary Coleman owed me a favor.
206
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:08,665
Stewie, you want
some more strained peas?
207
00:09:08,734 --> 00:09:10,365
What you talking about,
vile woman?
208
00:09:12,534 --> 00:09:14,565
There she is, boys. All done.
209
00:09:14,634 --> 00:09:17,032
The A-Team is ready
to help rid the world
210
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,798
of injustice and evil.
211
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:20,398
Yeah!
212
00:09:20,466 --> 00:09:21,498
(GRUNTS)
213
00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:22,598
All right!
214
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:24,099
Yeah!
215
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:26,132
(RAMP WHIRRING)
216
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,531
Let's do it!
217
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,199
(TIRES SQUEALING)
218
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:49,398
Uh, this is
Advanced Physics, right?
219
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:50,699
(SPRAYING)
220
00:09:50,768 --> 00:09:52,765
I have a right
to defend myself
as a woman!
221
00:09:52,834 --> 00:09:54,165
No means no!
222
00:09:54,233 --> 00:09:56,765
What the hell
is wrong with you?
I'm sorry.
223
00:09:56,833 --> 00:10:00,231
I just came from
that orientation seminar
about college dating.
224
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,831
Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis.
225
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,098
And I'm here to talk
to you about rape.
226
00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:07,131
Ladies, look to your left.
Now look to your right.
227
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,065
Statistics indicate
that both of those men
will rape you.
228
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,831
I'm not gonna rape you.
229
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:13,932
I might.
230
00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:17,032
Good morning, class.
231
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,498
Hey, can I borrow
a pencil?
232
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:21,932
Now, now, it looks like
we have a comedian.
233
00:10:22,001 --> 00:10:24,099
I wasn't making a joke.
I was just asking...
234
00:10:24,168 --> 00:10:28,166
Now, Louie Anderson,
our first test is Friday.
235
00:10:28,233 --> 00:10:31,732
And if you don't pass,
you are not in the class.
236
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,398
Fluffy! Fluffy,
come down!
237
00:10:36,466 --> 00:10:38,932
Oh, Mommy, Daddy,
what are we gonna do?
238
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:41,731
(SKIDDING TO A HALT)
239
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,865
Don't you worry,
sad little girl.
240
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,498
The A-team will get
your beloved kitty down.
241
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:47,799
Ready, boys?
242
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,398
(CAT YOWLING)
243
00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:02,565
No need to thank us.
It's what we do.
244
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:04,665
Who the hell are you guys?
245
00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:07,398
We're the A-Team.
246
00:11:13,868 --> 00:11:15,065
Get off my property!
247
00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,065
Yeah, that's probably
a good idea. Let's go.
248
00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:23,698
What do you think?
Hmm?
249
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,232
I got this
at the school store.
250
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,098
It's an M.C. Escher drawing.
251
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,799
I think it's called
Crazy Stairs.
252
00:11:29,867 --> 00:11:31,732
Look, Stewie,
I got to finish
this assignment
253
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:33,565
or I'm gonna
fail this class.
254
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:36,432
All done.
What?
255
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,599
Stewie, I can't use this.
It'd be cheating.
256
00:11:38,667 --> 00:11:41,032
Well, fine. Listen,
I'll be out on the quad.
257
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,732
Do you know
what I've discovered
about myself
258
00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:44,032
since I've been
in college?
259
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:47,165
I am so all about
Ultimate Frisbee.
260
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:52,532
(SIGHS)
261
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,332
STEWIE: Oh, no!
Did that hit
Crazy Stairs?
262
00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:05,999
I've graded
your assignments.
263
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:08,532
Clearly there is
only one person here
264
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,665
who understands
the material.
265
00:12:10,733 --> 00:12:12,398
Brian Griffin.
266
00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:13,965
(STUDENTS MUTTERING)
267
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,865
Just, uh, got lucky, I guess.
268
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:19,132
No, Brian.
I underestimated you.
269
00:12:19,201 --> 00:12:22,632
Here, let me put
a smiley face
on your test.
270
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,565
May I borrow your pen?
271
00:12:26,634 --> 00:12:30,532
You... Do you want me
to just stick it in there?
272
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,699
Yes.
273
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:42,899
There. You have earned that.
274
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:47,432
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
275
00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:48,932
♪♪(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
276
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:54,066
Hey, what's up, B-rie?
277
00:12:54,135 --> 00:12:56,632
Stewie, just give me a beer.
I've had a bad day.
278
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,765
I cheated on that assignment.
279
00:12:59,834 --> 00:13:02,165
You know,
I haven't taken a shower
since we got here.
280
00:13:02,233 --> 00:13:03,698
I totally reek, man.
281
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:05,465
Check this out.
Come on!
282
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,232
Tell me that's not epic.
283
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,832
You know, I didn't come
back to college just to
cheat my way through.
284
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:11,398
I wanted to do it
on my own.
285
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:13,599
Will you relax?
Plenty of people cheat.
286
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,798
Once again,
Ashlee Simpson.
287
00:13:15,867 --> 00:13:17,165
♪♪(BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
288
00:13:17,234 --> 00:13:18,232
(CROWD CHEERING)
289
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:24,932
MAN'S VOICE:
♪ Old Man River ♪
290
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:30,332
♪ That Old Man River ♪
291
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:35,432
♪ He must know somethin' ♪♪
292
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:40,665
Oh, my God! Mom, look.
293
00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:43,032
They're tearing down
Roger Williams Park
to build a strip mall.
294
00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:46,631
Oh, no. I take Stewie
there all the time,
don't I, sweetie?
295
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,565
Victory shall be mine.
296
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:51,032
That's where I go to make out
with my boyfriend...
297
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:54,231
Darren Mitchelstork.
298
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:57,032
Yup, he's the chairman
299
00:13:57,100 --> 00:14:01,164
of the soccer ball team.
300
00:14:01,233 --> 00:14:02,632
Well, all right.
301
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:06,398
Make sure you practice
safe sex, Meg.
302
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,298
(LAUGHING)
303
00:14:10,134 --> 00:14:11,832
You little liar!
304
00:14:11,901 --> 00:14:13,398
Roger Williams Park?
305
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:15,865
That sounds like a job
for the A-Team.
306
00:14:18,633 --> 00:14:20,398
Hi, Dad.
Go to your room.
307
00:14:20,467 --> 00:14:21,698
Okay.
308
00:14:26,734 --> 00:14:28,698
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
309
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:31,732
Ah, Brian.
310
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,632
I am glad you could come
to my faculty cocktail party.
311
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,331
Let me introduce
my wife Helen.
312
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:42,832
Damn it, Steve.
You forgot to put out
the cheese and crackers.
313
00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:46,832
Helen, don't start with me
in front of our guests.
314
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,198
Do you think
I like hitting you?
315
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,798
I am sorry
you had to see that.
316
00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:57,665
Look, sir,
I really need to confess
something to you.
317
00:14:57,733 --> 00:14:59,065
That assignment
I turned in...
318
00:14:59,134 --> 00:15:00,798
You know, Brian,
319
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:03,832
before you came along,
I was so depressed,
320
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,365
I was planning to kill myself.
321
00:15:06,434 --> 00:15:08,532
But you have inspired me.
322
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:12,898
If you can learn,
maybe one day I can walk.
323
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:15,631
Now, what was it
you wanted to say?
324
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:16,932
Uh,
325
00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:18,565
nothing.
326
00:15:18,633 --> 00:15:22,099
You were supposed
to get potato chips,
you jackass.
327
00:15:22,168 --> 00:15:26,698
Damn it, Helen.
Get the hell off
my back or so help me...
328
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:28,698
So help me...
329
00:15:28,768 --> 00:15:32,531
Don't worry.
I hear they have
great makeup sex.
330
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,799
That feels so good.
Oh, yeah.
331
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:35,866
Hello.
332
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:37,066
Like that?
333
00:15:37,135 --> 00:15:38,665
(MOANING)
Oh, baby.
334
00:15:38,734 --> 00:15:40,966
I thought about this all day.
335
00:15:41,034 --> 00:15:42,032
(BOTH MOANING)
336
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:46,966
Not so fast.
337
00:15:47,034 --> 00:15:48,665
You are hurting me.
338
00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:49,732
(CROWD CHEERING)
339
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:53,531
(WHOOPING)
340
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,832
All right. All right.
341
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:56,398
Stewie, come on.
We're going home.
342
00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:58,065
What the devil
are you talking about?
343
00:15:58,133 --> 00:15:59,498
My final exam is tomorrow
344
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,532
and the only way
I'm gonna pass
is if I cheat.
345
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,331
And if I do that,
what was the point of
coming back to college?
346
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,665
We can't leave.
It's almost halftime
and we all pooped in the tuba.
347
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:08,732
♪♪(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
348
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:11,532
(TUBA PLAYER EXCLAIMING)
349
00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:12,932
Okay, we can go.
350
00:16:13,001 --> 00:16:13,999
(SPRAYING)
351
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:16,698
(SPRAYING)
352
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,398
(MEN YELLING)
353
00:16:23,434 --> 00:16:25,865
(RAMP WHIRRING)
354
00:16:25,934 --> 00:16:28,432
Hey, what are you guys doing?
This is a job site.
355
00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:30,798
No, it's not!
It's Roger Williams Park,
356
00:16:30,867 --> 00:16:33,565
and we're here to stop you
from destroying it.
357
00:16:33,634 --> 00:16:35,865
Whoa! Whoa!
What are you gonna do?
Kill us?
358
00:16:35,934 --> 00:16:38,465
Huh? Oh, no, no.
We wouldn't do that.
359
00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:41,998
We'll probably just
shoot the ground all
around you to make you scared.
360
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,932
And then you'll jump
in your truck
and speed off,
361
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,832
hit something
and do a wicked flip
through the air.
362
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:47,532
Well, that'd kill us.
No, no.
363
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,865
You guys will just roll
out of the vehicle,
and dust yourself off
364
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:51,832
and lumber back
to your hideout, defeated.
365
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:55,199
Buddy, I had a cousin
got in a fender bender
at five miles an hour,
366
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,598
messed his neck up,
he's got partial numbness.
367
00:16:57,667 --> 00:16:59,599
He's just not
the same guy anymore.
368
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:00,998
Was he wearing
his safety belt?
369
00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,965
Thank God.
370
00:17:03,034 --> 00:17:05,498
Yeah, 'cause, you know,
I know this guy who took
his car in for an oil change.
371
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,465
And then later
he got in a wreck,
and the airbag didn't deploy.
372
00:17:08,534 --> 00:17:10,765
Turns out they stole it,
sold it for spare parts.
373
00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:12,431
No way!
It happens.
374
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:15,965
They call them chop shops.
Makes it harder
to track stolen parts.
375
00:17:16,034 --> 00:17:18,065
Jeez, that is awful.
376
00:17:18,134 --> 00:17:19,932
Well, look,
you guys got
a lot of work to do.
377
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,532
We should probably
get out of your hair.
378
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:23,632
Take it easy, guys.
379
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:25,798
CLEVELAND: Don't forget
to put your tools away.
380
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,465
We blew it, didn't we?
381
00:17:29,533 --> 00:17:30,965
Boy, you can say that again.
382
00:17:31,034 --> 00:17:33,465
We were right there,
ready to save
Roger Williams Park,
383
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:35,798
and we got sidetracked
by idle conversation.
384
00:17:35,867 --> 00:17:37,665
We're a terrible A-Team.
385
00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:39,565
You know what the problem is?
We didn't stay focused.
386
00:17:39,633 --> 00:17:42,199
That's exactly it.
I was gonna...
We didn't stay focused.
387
00:17:42,268 --> 00:17:45,065
I mean, we were right there,
you know? And then we just...
388
00:17:45,134 --> 00:17:48,199
Somehow we just...
I mean...
389
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,266
Well, it's already been said.
We didn't stay focused.
390
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:54,099
MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER:
And now back to
The Facts of Life.
391
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:56,098
Hey, Mrs. Garrett,
can I ask you something?
392
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:57,965
What is it, Jo?
393
00:17:58,034 --> 00:18:00,532
Is it a problem
if your penis and your vagina
touch each other?
394
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,732
What?
395
00:18:01,801 --> 00:18:03,632
Well, I try to keep
them separated,
396
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:06,265
but I woke up this morning
and they were
sort of together.
397
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:08,099
I just didn't know.
Is that okay?
398
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:09,632
You have both?
399
00:18:09,701 --> 00:18:11,199
Well, yeah.
Doesn't everybody?
400
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:13,298
No!
401
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:15,598
Brian, what are you
doing home?
402
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:17,065
I couldn't do it, Lois.
403
00:18:17,134 --> 00:18:19,098
You know, I thought
I'd be able to finish
this time.
404
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:22,365
But I just don't have
what it takes to be
a college graduate.
405
00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:26,198
But you're so close.
I mean, your final
exam's tomorrow.
406
00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:28,831
You can't just give up.
You could study tonight.
407
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,231
And I think
if you really work at it...
408
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,632
Lois, it's over.
All right?
409
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:33,765
I'm not going.
410
00:18:33,833 --> 00:18:36,132
Well, whatever you say.
411
00:18:36,201 --> 00:18:38,799
Hey, what's in this closet?
412
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,365
What are you doing?
413
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:41,865
Well, my, my!
414
00:18:41,934 --> 00:18:44,131
Mr. Hoover's come to visit.
415
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,165
I don't want
to see Mr. Hoover.
416
00:18:46,233 --> 00:18:49,198
I wonder if Mr. Hoover has
anything to say
about all this?
417
00:18:49,266 --> 00:18:52,398
Lois, this is not funny.
I really don't want
to see Mr...
418
00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:53,599
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
419
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:55,232
Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
420
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,898
It's scaring me!
Leave me alone!
421
00:18:57,968 --> 00:18:59,366
It's so loud!
422
00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:00,932
(BARKING)
Stop! Stop it!
423
00:19:01,001 --> 00:19:02,632
All right. Okay.
I'll study!
424
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,299
I'll help you, if you want.
425
00:19:04,368 --> 00:19:05,531
No, thanks, Lois.
426
00:19:05,601 --> 00:19:07,565
There's only one person
who can help me.
427
00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:09,598
♪♪(HEARTS ON FIRE PLAYING)
428
00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:18,732
♪ Hearts on fire ♪
429
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,565
♪ Strong desire ♪
430
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:27,232
♪ Rages deep within ♪♪
431
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:39,399
Drago!
432
00:19:43,333 --> 00:19:45,032
You know the exam's
in three hours?
433
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,598
Ah, crap! All we've done
is work out.
434
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,832
We should study.
Right.
435
00:19:50,867 --> 00:19:53,098
Peter, you're not wearing
your costume anymore.
436
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:54,865
What's the point?
437
00:19:54,934 --> 00:19:57,865
You know, I thought I could
help people with this whole
A-Team thing,
438
00:19:57,934 --> 00:19:59,532
but it turns out
I'm as useless as
439
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,165
that nude Playboy
spread of Debbie Gibson.
440
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,032
It's like, yeah, she's naked,
but who gives a shit?
441
00:20:05,101 --> 00:20:07,799
Oh, my God, I overslept.
My final exam's in 20 minutes.
442
00:20:07,868 --> 00:20:09,965
Brian, you'll never make it.
443
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:13,265
Unless there was
some kind of team of people
444
00:20:13,333 --> 00:20:15,498
who could get you
there in time.
445
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:18,232
Peter, do you know
anybody like that?
446
00:20:20,768 --> 00:20:23,132
(TIRES SQUEALING)
447
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:27,498
(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)
448
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,331
You may start your exams
449
00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:34,665
now.
450
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,898
Well, how'd you do?
I failed.
451
00:20:43,968 --> 00:20:45,966
What? You failed?
Yup.
452
00:20:46,034 --> 00:20:47,899
Well, then what the hell
are you smiling for?
453
00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:50,631
Because I took it all the way.
I didn't give up on myself.
454
00:20:50,701 --> 00:20:52,432
And I didn't cheat.
455
00:20:53,734 --> 00:20:55,165
Wow. You probably
should have.
456
00:20:55,234 --> 00:20:56,398
Yeah. I was just
gonna say that.
457
00:20:56,467 --> 00:20:59,499
Yeah, you would have
probably been better off.
458
00:20:59,567 --> 00:21:01,265
Look, it doesn't matter
how it turned out.
459
00:21:01,334 --> 00:21:02,799
I finished what I started,
460
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:06,198
which means I have my pride.
And that's something.
461
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:08,099
No, it's not!
Yeah! Are you
out of your mind?
462
00:21:08,168 --> 00:21:10,431
I mean, what the...
I don't understand that.
What is that like?
463
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:11,531
You're such a loser.
464
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:12,598
I hate you!