1
00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:05,965
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:06,034 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,832
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:15,765
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,834 --> 00:00:19,366
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,434 --> 00:00:22,765
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,834 --> 00:00:24,298
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:26,032
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,101 --> 00:00:31,032
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,534 --> 00:00:38,164
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
The Adventures of Aquaman.
11
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:44,532
(ECHOING)
12
00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:46,599
Yeah?
13
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:48,665
Hey, uh, can you, uh,
grab me another beer?
14
00:00:48,734 --> 00:00:51,332
Uh, yeah. Anything else?
Maybe, you know, TV Guide,
15
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,765
you know, another--
another pillow for
your feet or something?
16
00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:55,898
No. Actually--
Actually, you know what?
Get me, like, a...
17
00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:57,798
Get me, like,
a Dewar's and soda,
and, uh,
18
00:00:57,867 --> 00:01:00,365
you know,
try to keep the saltwater
out of it, if you could.
19
00:01:00,434 --> 00:01:02,699
(STUTTERING) Try to
keep the saltwater...
Yeah.
20
00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:05,498
W-We're surrounded
by saltwater, you know.
It's kind of difficult.
21
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:07,732
I know. I'm just saying,
I'm just saying, try.
22
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,932
Yeah, okay, I'll try.
You want me to
wipe your ass, too?
23
00:01:10,001 --> 00:01:11,598
Oh, that's a helpful tone.
24
00:01:11,667 --> 00:01:13,531
I'm just saying,
you're kind of abusing
your powers a little bit,
25
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,598
don't you think?
Actually--Actually,
this is all time
26
00:01:15,667 --> 00:01:17,198
that could be spent
getting me my beverage.
27
00:01:17,266 --> 00:01:18,798
Hey, what are
you guys doin'?
28
00:01:18,867 --> 00:01:20,865
We got to get ready
for your grandpa's
80th birthday dinner.
29
00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:22,665
Peter, calm down.
He's just your father.
30
00:01:22,733 --> 00:01:24,032
Yeah, but I love him.
31
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:27,331
His folksy racism,
his I-don't-care-
where-I-am flatulence.
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00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,065
And the way
it always seems
like he's chewin',
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even when there's
no food in there.
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00:01:30,768 --> 00:01:31,965
(DOORBELL RINGS)
35
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Hiya, Dad.
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00:01:34,034 --> 00:01:36,432
Francis, it's so good
to see you.
37
00:01:36,501 --> 00:01:40,565
Lois, you haven't
changed a bit,
you lyin' bitch.
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00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:43,065
Francis,
why don't you come
into the dining room, huh?
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00:01:43,134 --> 00:01:45,398
The table's all set
for your birthday dinner.
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00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:49,965
Uh, Lois, actually,
Dad said he would prefer it
if you did not join us,
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00:01:50,034 --> 00:01:52,765
uh, you know, you bein'
a Protestant and all. Um...
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00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:54,732
He said it's okay if
you sit at the kid's table.
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00:01:54,801 --> 00:01:56,465
Peter, I cooked
the damn dinner.
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00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:59,032
Ah! You know, I knew
you were going to
react like this,
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00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:01,798
and that's why
I brought Bill Lumbergh
to explain it to you.
46
00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:04,132
Yeah, I'm gonna
need you to go ahead
47
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,731
and not complain
about this.
48
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,598
Oh, and if you could
go ahead and sit
at the kids' table,
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00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:12,166
that'd be great.
50
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:17,599
I'm just saying,
'70s boobs were different.
I don't know.
51
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:20,532
You know, it wouldn't
kill you to contribute
to the conversation.
52
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,531
Dad, tell us
about World War I
53
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,932
and how America defeated
Kaiser Permanente.
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00:02:25,001 --> 00:02:27,765
Lois, when are you going to
get that baby baptized?
55
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:29,498
Oh, God, not this again.
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00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:32,198
Francis, why the hell
is this always
an issue with you?
57
00:02:32,267 --> 00:02:34,265
Because I love this family
58
00:02:34,333 --> 00:02:36,732
and I don't want
my grandson to burn in hell.
59
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:38,531
I love you, Grandpa.
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00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,865
Your toenails
are the same color
as my school bus.
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00:02:41,934 --> 00:02:43,431
He... You really think that
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00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:46,165
splashing magic water
on Stewie will keep him
out of hell?
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00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:49,198
Watch that kind of talk
or you'll get your
heathen head smacked.
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00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:50,598
Oh, that's very Christian.
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00:02:50,667 --> 00:02:52,165
"Believe what I say
or I'll hurt you."
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00:02:52,233 --> 00:02:53,298
Now you're gettin' it.
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Peter,
we have a problem.
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Hey, hang on, Lois.
I'm watchin' a movie.
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ANNOUNCER: And now back to
Jaws V, Fire Island.
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You think we should
be this far out?
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00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:07,398
Stop worrying, Mark.
We'll be fine.
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00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:09,632
Hey, I'm gonna eat you all.
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00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:12,265
I'm gonna eat that hairy leg.
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00:03:12,334 --> 00:03:14,299
I'm gonna eat that one, too.
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00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,866
Oh, I can see
right up them shorts.
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00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:20,065
I got a whole bunch
of rows of teeth
to chew you with.
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00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:22,399
♪♪(HUMMING JAWS MUSIC)
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Oh, now wait a minute.
79
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I did have a chubby kid
on a raft earlier today.
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00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:29,765
It's okay, though.
I've been swimmin'
a lot lately.
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00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,899
Mmm. Yummy. Mmm.
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00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:33,399
Peter, your father
won't let up
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00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:34,999
about Stewie
getting baptized.
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00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:38,499
I am sick of him
always tryin' to force
his religious views on us.
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00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,432
All right, I'll talk to him,
Lois, but, uh,
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00:03:40,501 --> 00:03:42,198
you know, when my father
wants somethin',
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00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:43,865
it's like sex
with Kobe Bryant.
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00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:47,698
You can kick
and scream all you want,
but it's--it's gonna happen.
89
00:03:50,934 --> 00:03:52,099
Dad,
what are you doin'?
90
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:53,665
There's no cross in here.
91
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,565
Every kitchen
needs a crucifix.
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00:03:55,634 --> 00:03:57,098
Oh, yes.
Nothing says, "Eat up,"
93
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:59,865
like a bleeding,
half-naked Jew
nailed to a piece of wood.
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00:03:59,934 --> 00:04:02,331
Listen, Dad, I--I gotta
talk to you. Um...
95
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,665
Lois was wonderin'
if maybe you could, uh,
96
00:04:04,733 --> 00:04:07,399
I don't know,
ease up on the whole, uh,
97
00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:10,932
you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay,
if you catch my drift.
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00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,832
You're a lapsed Catholic,
Peter.
99
00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:14,599
Your wife's
a Protestant whore
100
00:04:14,667 --> 00:04:16,432
and your baby
isn't even baptized.
101
00:04:16,501 --> 00:04:19,198
All right, all right, look,
Dad, I--I don't want you
to hate me, all right?
102
00:04:19,267 --> 00:04:20,398
So I'll make
a deal with you.
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00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:21,966
If we get Stewie baptized,
104
00:04:22,034 --> 00:04:23,632
you and all other old people
105
00:04:23,701 --> 00:04:25,565
have to acknowledge
and be aware
106
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:27,632
that there's crap in
the corners of your mouth.
107
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,832
I'll think about it.
Now let's go.
108
00:04:29,901 --> 00:04:32,099
Old people are gross,
no matter how cute
109
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:34,565
they try to make them look
on Desperate Housewives.
110
00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:36,732
Go ahead. Switch over
to ABC for five seconds.
111
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,432
I'll wait.
I'll wait five seconds.
112
00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:43,965
Oh, my God, did you see?
113
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,032
Did you see how old
and ugly they are?
114
00:04:46,101 --> 00:04:47,898
Oh, my God,
that redhead looks like
115
00:04:47,967 --> 00:04:50,398
somebody pulled Silly Putty
over their knee.
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00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,799
I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin,
but I can't baptize
little Stewie today.
117
00:04:56,868 --> 00:04:59,531
It turns out
our last shipment
of holy water is tainted.
118
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,398
Tainted? Holy water?
How did that happen?
119
00:05:05,234 --> 00:05:06,832
(TOILET FLUSHING)
120
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,766
We'll call you when
we get a new shipment in.
121
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,598
There's no such thing
as tainted holy water.
122
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:18,232
Come on.
We'll do it ourselves.
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00:05:18,301 --> 00:05:20,333
Stewie Griffin,
I baptize you
124
00:05:20,401 --> 00:05:22,032
in the name of
the Father, the Son
125
00:05:22,101 --> 00:05:24,065
and the Holy Ghost.
And Space Ghost.
126
00:05:24,134 --> 00:05:25,999
(EXCLAIMING)
What are you doing?
Oh, my God!
127
00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:28,832
This is almost as bad as
my bath with Kathy Bates.
128
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:34,265
Yeah, I think
I'm gonna get out.
129
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:38,498
(MOANING)
130
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:40,932
Stewie,
you don't look so good.
131
00:05:41,001 --> 00:05:42,965
Oh, baby,
you're burnin' up!
132
00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:46,264
Oh, my God!
Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!
133
00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:49,932
Don't... Don't take me
to a black doctor.
134
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:54,365
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
I've examined your son
135
00:05:54,434 --> 00:05:56,498
and he is suffering from
a temporary toxic anemia
136
00:05:56,567 --> 00:05:58,598
which has substantially
weakened his immune system.
137
00:05:58,667 --> 00:05:59,866
Is he gonna die?
138
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:02,032
No, but he's highly
vulnerable to infection
139
00:06:02,101 --> 00:06:04,865
and must be quarantined
in a germ-free
plastic environment.
140
00:06:04,934 --> 00:06:07,665
My God, you mean like
John Travolta in that movie?
141
00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:11,032
Oh, no, you're gonna
take his face off,
like in Face/Off?
142
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,665
Well, it looks like
the operation was a success.
143
00:06:13,733 --> 00:06:15,499
Do you know what
the best part of this is?
144
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:16,898
Try licking yourself.
145
00:06:18,233 --> 00:06:19,765
You bastard!
146
00:06:19,833 --> 00:06:22,099
Peter, he meant
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
147
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:23,799
How could this
have happened?
148
00:06:23,868 --> 00:06:26,532
It's obvious to me
that Stewie's been exposed
to tainted holy water.
149
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:29,598
Peter, you had Stewie
baptized behind my back?
150
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:31,233
Come on, honey.
This is no worse
151
00:06:31,301 --> 00:06:32,665
than when I rented out
your uterus
152
00:06:32,734 --> 00:06:34,133
to those inner city
immigrants.
153
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,632
♪♪(LATINO MUSIC PLAYING)
154
00:06:36,701 --> 00:06:37,932
(GUN FIRING)
155
00:06:38,001 --> 00:06:39,599
(TIRES SCREECHING)
156
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:42,799
Peter,
you're a complete slave
to your father's religion.
157
00:06:42,867 --> 00:06:45,032
What about your
religious beliefs, huh?
158
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,865
You have a choice,
you know.
159
00:06:46,934 --> 00:06:48,398
I do?
Of course.
160
00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:51,332
You're a grown man.
You can pick any
religion you want.
161
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,365
Really? Hah!
162
00:06:53,434 --> 00:06:54,965
You know, Lois,
maybe you're right.
163
00:06:55,034 --> 00:06:57,032
Maybe I should
pick my own religion.
164
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:58,599
The question is, which one?
165
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:01,098
I'll tell you
what you can pick.
A tune out on that piano.
166
00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:04,165
♪ Fatty's in a little jam,
dead girl, dead girl ♪
167
00:07:04,233 --> 00:07:05,465
♪ Fatty's in a lit... ♪♪
168
00:07:05,534 --> 00:07:07,565
Oh, now how the whiz-bang
does the rest of it go?
169
00:07:07,633 --> 00:07:09,299
Quick! Make something up!
170
00:07:09,368 --> 00:07:11,465
♪♪(PLAYING FAST-PACED TUNE)
171
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,498
Peter,
what are all these women
doin' in our livin' room?
172
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:24,099
Lois, I took your advice
and picked a new religion.
173
00:07:24,168 --> 00:07:25,498
I'm gonna be a Mormon.
174
00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:27,233
A Mormon? Are you sure?
175
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:30,331
Come on. Nailin'
a different wife every night?
That's a no-brainer.
176
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,698
Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy,
the checkout girl
from the Korean market.
177
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,698
Uh, Nancy, our postal carrier.
178
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,498
And you know Tiffany,
the filthy woman
179
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:39,632
who stands downtown
and screams at traffic.
180
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:41,899
(SCREAMING)
I ate a tube of Crest
for dinner!
181
00:07:41,967 --> 00:07:43,165
Isn't she funny?
182
00:07:43,234 --> 00:07:46,065
She's definitely the Kramer
of my Mormon wives.
183
00:07:46,134 --> 00:07:47,299
Nancy, get me a beer.
184
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,965
Uh, Mormons aren't
allowed to drink alcohol.
185
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,532
Peter, did you just
throw those women away?
186
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:57,932
No. Maybe.
187
00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:04,832
Also in the news,
some trouble at
St. Phillips Church.
188
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,231
That's right, Diane.
A shipment of
tainted holy water
189
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:09,364
could put some local
babies in jeopardy.
190
00:08:09,433 --> 00:08:11,131
Sounds dangerous, Tom.
191
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,098
Be careful next time
you're at confession
telling the priest
192
00:08:13,166 --> 00:08:15,431
about cheating on
your wife with that
Filipino drag queen.
193
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:17,264
Well, at least you're
in no danger, Diane,
194
00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:19,465
since you only visit church
to leave your self-delivered,
195
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,799
unwashed, half-dead newborns
on the back step.
196
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:25,598
Coming up, how to turn
your unwanted change
into foldin' money.
197
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:28,332
You know,
it's kind of sad seeing
Stewie in that plastic bubble.
198
00:08:28,401 --> 00:08:30,531
I think
he looks like a bunny.
199
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,465
Oh, that's it, Chris,
keep laughing.
200
00:08:32,534 --> 00:08:34,532
When I get out of here,
you're going to get it.
201
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:36,732
I'll lull you into
a false sense of security
202
00:08:36,801 --> 00:08:38,899
like those network
television announcers.
203
00:08:38,967 --> 00:08:41,065
CHIRPY ANNOUNCER: Tonight
on an all-new Mama's Family,
204
00:08:41,134 --> 00:08:43,332
Mama's got more
than she can handle
with the in-laws in town.
205
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,665
DRAMATIC ANNOUNCER:
Then, a deadly fire
could spell death
206
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,398
for a honeymoon couple
on an all-new Hotel.
207
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:51,065
Tonight on Newhart,
the stockings are
stuffed with comedy
208
00:08:51,134 --> 00:08:52,465
when Bob has to
play Santa Claus.
209
00:08:52,534 --> 00:08:54,732
Then, a sniper's bullet
threatens a partnership
210
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,598
on an all-new
Cagney and Lacey.
211
00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:58,699
Tonight on
a laugh-out-loud Night Court,
212
00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:00,332
love is in the air
when Judge Harry's
213
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,132
old high-school
flame comes to town.
214
00:09:02,201 --> 00:09:04,999
Then, a child's death
could mean the case
of Arnie Becker's life
215
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,565
on an all-new L.A. Law.
216
00:09:06,634 --> 00:09:07,832
That's Night Court at 8:00.
217
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:10,132
L.A. Law at 9:00.
218
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,098
Now remember, kids,
don't touch Stewie.
219
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:14,365
He's not allowed to have
any human contact.
220
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,799
(PHONE RINGING)
221
00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,565
Hey, finish the job, idiot!
222
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:20,265
For God's sakes,
there's no ventilation!
223
00:09:20,334 --> 00:09:22,232
It smells like
Brian Dennehy in here!
224
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:26,498
I see London, I see France,
I see Stewie's unsightly
chapped ass.
225
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:29,332
Hey, gay-bo,
I'm up here. Up here.
226
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,498
(DOORBELL RINGING)
227
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:32,731
Hi, my name's Peter.
228
00:09:32,801 --> 00:09:35,132
I'm a Jehovah's Witness,
here to spread the good news
229
00:09:35,201 --> 00:09:36,731
of the story
of Jesus Christ.
230
00:09:36,801 --> 00:09:38,032
Okay, go ahead.
231
00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:39,932
Really?
232
00:09:40,001 --> 00:09:41,665
Wow. Um...
233
00:09:41,734 --> 00:09:44,932
Boy, you're the, uh,
first person who didn't,
uh, slam the door on me.
234
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,365
Uh, okay, um, well,
235
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:51,298
uh, Jesus, uh, was
a miracle worker, of sorts.
236
00:09:51,367 --> 00:09:54,032
Um, he would travel
from place to place,
237
00:09:54,101 --> 00:09:56,499
putting things right
that once went wrong
238
00:09:56,567 --> 00:09:59,298
and hoping each time
that his next leap
239
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:00,698
would be the leap home.
240
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,165
(WHOOSHING)
241
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:06,565
Mmm.
242
00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:08,865
What do you think
you're doin' with my wife?
243
00:10:08,934 --> 00:10:09,965
Oh, boy.
244
00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:17,199
The pathway to enlightenment
245
00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:19,632
starts with an unfettered,
focused mind.
246
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:20,798
(EXCLAIMING)
Look out!
247
00:10:20,867 --> 00:10:22,398
What are you doing?
248
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:24,999
Oh? I thought
that dot on your head
was from a sniper rifle.
249
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:28,132
Peter, this spot
is a sacred adornment.
250
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,198
It's a portal,
an opening through which
251
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:33,299
all light, goodness,
rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy
252
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:35,299
may enter the human form.
253
00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:37,898
A vagina?
Get out.
254
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:45,832
Hey, Stewie, 3:00.
Time for The View.
255
00:10:45,901 --> 00:10:47,331
No! No, no! Not again!
256
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,331
(ALL CLUCKING)
257
00:10:57,300 --> 00:10:59,765
Let me out of here!
I can't watch another second!
258
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,999
Relax, Stewie.
The doctor gave me this
259
00:11:05,068 --> 00:11:06,765
so you can get
some exercise.
260
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,632
Boy,
Stewie's more wound up
261
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:11,164
than Dad was that time
he took steroids.
262
00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:13,432
Peter, could you please
pass the potatoes?
263
00:11:13,501 --> 00:11:14,565
(SCREAMING)
264
00:11:14,634 --> 00:11:15,798
Damn it, Meg!
265
00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:20,166
ANNOUNCER: And now,
back to Happy Days.
266
00:11:20,234 --> 00:11:21,799
Ah, that Fonzie is magic.
267
00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:24,131
I love the way
he hits the jukebox
to make it work.
268
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,865
What is it, Mr. C?
269
00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:29,465
Fonz, I--I wanted
to pleasure Marion
for our anniversary,
270
00:11:29,534 --> 00:11:32,598
but, as you know,
I have erectile dysfunction.
271
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,132
Oh, there we go.
272
00:11:35,201 --> 00:11:36,531
Thank you, Arthur.
273
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,698
Eh.
274
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:40,932
Brian,
will you carry me upstairs?
275
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,565
I want to look at my toys.
276
00:11:42,633 --> 00:11:43,899
No. I'm watching television.
277
00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:45,598
Come on, I'm sick.
278
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,032
All right. Come here.
279
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,065
Oh, Todd,
280
00:11:55,134 --> 00:11:57,565
I feel like we'll never have
a baby of our own!
281
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:58,665
We will, Kelly.
282
00:11:58,733 --> 00:12:00,298
You just have to
visualize it.
283
00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:01,698
Come on, close your eyes.
284
00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:04,698
Picture a happy,
healthy baby boy at play.
285
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:07,898
Now put him in a magic bubble
and release him
to the universe.
286
00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:10,232
(STEWIE SCREAMING)
287
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:13,398
Uh, honey,
now I want you to
visualize Lindsay Lohan,
288
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:16,232
only, naked and doing
a backwards crab-walk.
289
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:17,732
What?
Just do this for me!
290
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:22,032
Ah, Peter!
Where have you been, lad?
291
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,331
Well, Dad,
I was trying to
find my own religion,
292
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,899
but it didn't work out.
293
00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:28,465
I haven't been
this disappointed
since I lost my virginity.
294
00:12:28,534 --> 00:12:30,464
(CROWD CHEERING)
295
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,598
Ah! Uh-oh.
296
00:12:33,667 --> 00:12:35,732
You want to get
some breakfast
or somethin'?
297
00:12:35,801 --> 00:12:39,899
You want to find religion,
all you got to do is
look in your heart.
298
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:43,498
Who's always
been there for you,
offerin' wisdom and truth?
299
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:45,332
You've known him
all along, Son.
300
00:12:45,401 --> 00:12:46,899
Now worship him!
301
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,965
Oh, my God! Dad's right!
302
00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,832
There is only one person
303
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:53,665
and it's time for him
to be properly worshipped.
304
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:56,265
I, Peter Griffin,
hereby establish
305
00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:59,231
the First United Church
of the Fonz.
306
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:02,333
Fonzie, if this be
your will, give me a sign.
307
00:13:02,401 --> 00:13:03,565
(DOORBELL RINGS)
308
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:07,532
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan.
309
00:13:07,601 --> 00:13:09,199
This is how a crab walks.
310
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:11,799
It sure is!
Fonzie be praised!
311
00:13:17,034 --> 00:13:18,531
All right, Dad.
312
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,565
Two days ago,
this was an old barn.
313
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:24,032
And now, thanks to you,
it's an old barn
with a sign on it.
314
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:25,433
All things are possible
315
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,899
through the Lord God,
Arthur Fonzarelli, Son.
316
00:13:27,968 --> 00:13:29,631
So, you're really
going through with this?
317
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:32,932
Absolutely.
You know this place
only cost me $100?
318
00:13:33,001 --> 00:13:35,866
That's a better deal
than that Aaron Neville
megaphone I bought.
319
00:13:35,934 --> 00:13:37,531
Okay, I wanna
thank you guys
320
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,698
for making me
Activity Director
for the day.
321
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,231
Okay, first of all,
can every...
322
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:43,898
♪ ...body... ♪♪
323
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:46,665
What the hell?
What the hell's wrong
with this thing?
324
00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:48,765
Uh, okay, uh,
we're about to start the...
325
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:51,631
♪ ...sack race ♪♪
326
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:57,331
Peter, it's not a good idea
to be puttin' these flyers
all over town.
327
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,032
People are gonna
think you're crazy.
328
00:13:59,101 --> 00:14:01,065
Hey, how'd you like
to lose a bunch of teeth?
329
00:14:01,134 --> 00:14:04,032
I'm sorry, Lois,
that was way more than
what was called for,
330
00:14:04,101 --> 00:14:06,431
but that's what happens
when you challenge
someone's faith.
331
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:08,798
Oh, Peter, I know
this is important to you,
332
00:14:08,867 --> 00:14:11,132
but I don't wanna
see you humiliated.
333
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,099
I don't think anyone's gonna
wanna worship the Fonz.
334
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:15,465
Is this
the Church of the Fonz?
335
00:14:15,534 --> 00:14:17,531
Yes, it is.
I read your flyer.
336
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,366
Finally, a religion
that makes sense to me.
337
00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:21,564
Hey, everyone.
I found him. Over here.
338
00:14:21,633 --> 00:14:22,932
(ALL CLAMORING)
339
00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:27,799
Oh, there you are.
You would not believe
the morning I've had.
340
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:30,965
(MACHINE REVVING)
341
00:14:31,034 --> 00:14:35,631
♪♪(MUSIC PLAYING)
342
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:39,631
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven, twelve ♪
343
00:14:45,068 --> 00:14:49,165
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven, twelve ♪
344
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:56,899
♪ Twelve! ♪♪
345
00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:58,431
♪♪(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
346
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,098
What in blazes is this?
347
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:07,832
I thought you said
we were going to church.
348
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:10,398
This is church, Francis,
a new church,
349
00:15:10,467 --> 00:15:12,233
created by a man
who was brave enough
350
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:13,798
to follow his own vision.
351
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,598
Please rise.
352
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:18,998
Now sit on it.
353
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:20,332
The Fonz be with you.
354
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,465
And also with you.
355
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:23,165
Let us "Eh."
356
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:24,965
"Eh."
357
00:15:25,034 --> 00:15:27,333
Wow, I can't believe
people are actually
buying this.
358
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,999
Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian.
359
00:15:29,068 --> 00:15:31,233
You see, deep down,
I think we all secretly yearn
360
00:15:31,301 --> 00:15:32,699
to be Italian and stupid.
361
00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:35,932
A reading from the letters
of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.
362
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:38,832
Yea, and did Fonzie
downstairs cometh
363
00:15:38,901 --> 00:15:41,232
from his apartment
above the garage.
364
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:46,065
And sayeth he,
"Reassembleth will I
the pieces of my motorcycle,
365
00:15:46,134 --> 00:15:48,999
"though I suffereth
from temporary blindness.
366
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:53,732
"And yea, for I am holy,
befriendeth I will
Sticks Downey,
367
00:15:53,801 --> 00:15:56,365
"the only negro in
the state of Wisconsin."
Amen.
368
00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:57,565
CONGREGATION: Amen.
369
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,065
(SNIFFING)
370
00:16:02,134 --> 00:16:03,632
Brian, what's that smell?
371
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:04,798
Black spray paint.
372
00:16:04,867 --> 00:16:06,231
What were you painting?
373
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,898
STEWIE: Oh, you think
you're so funny.
374
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:12,165
Well, as soon as
I figure out where I am,
you're dead, Brian!
375
00:16:12,234 --> 00:16:13,898
(STEWIE SCREAMING)
376
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:16,032
Damn it, I haven't been
this dizzy since I did
those helium whippets
377
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:17,598
at that birthday party.
378
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:19,999
Okay, okay, ready? Here goes.
379
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:22,565
I'm a female.
I have a high voice.
380
00:16:22,634 --> 00:16:24,965
I have reproductive
organs inside of me.
381
00:16:25,034 --> 00:16:26,698
And I buy groceries.
382
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:29,799
Peter, your religion
is an abomination.
383
00:16:29,868 --> 00:16:32,865
I never thought you could
ever embarrass me more
in a church
384
00:16:32,934 --> 00:16:34,832
than you did
at your cousin
Mary's wedding.
385
00:16:34,901 --> 00:16:36,732
And if anyone
knows of any reason
386
00:16:36,801 --> 00:16:38,631
why these two
should not be married,
387
00:16:38,701 --> 00:16:39,966
let him speak now.
388
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,098
Really?
389
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:45,132
Nobody's gonna speak up.
390
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,565
I'm the one
who's gonna have to say it.
391
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,165
(SIGHING)
All right.
392
00:16:49,768 --> 00:16:51,865
Genital warts.
393
00:16:51,934 --> 00:16:53,265
But, Dad,
you're the one who said
394
00:16:53,334 --> 00:16:55,398
I should look into my heart
to find my religion.
395
00:16:55,467 --> 00:16:57,199
Yes. Real religion.
396
00:16:57,268 --> 00:16:59,199
What I saw today
wasn't religion.
397
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,431
It was just a bunch
of sheep, singing songs
398
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,665
and listening to
ridiculous tall tales.
399
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:04,866
Actually,
that is religion.
400
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:06,132
Shut your trap, Brian.
401
00:17:06,201 --> 00:17:07,432
STEWIE: Hah! You tell him.
402
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,565
Why? I agree with you.
All Peter's done
403
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,531
is found another way to
exploit people's ignorance,
404
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:12,831
and that's just wrong.
405
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:15,066
You think I'm wro...
406
00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:16,665
(STAMMERING)
407
00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:19,131
See, Brian,
that's a word
the Fonz can't say,
408
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,032
because all is right
when you welcome
Fonzie into your life.
409
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,465
Fonzie be with you.
410
00:17:23,534 --> 00:17:26,599
I ought to take off my belt
and slap the crap out of him.
411
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:29,299
Look, Francis.
I don't like you
and you don't like me.
412
00:17:29,368 --> 00:17:32,232
But I suggest we set aside
our differences
and work together.
413
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,199
I have an idea
of how to snap
Peter out of this.
414
00:17:34,268 --> 00:17:36,732
Work together? You and me?
415
00:17:36,801 --> 00:17:38,932
Sure, sometimes opposites
work well together.
416
00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:40,431
In fact,
Peter taught me that.
417
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:41,865
♪ Two steps forward ♪
418
00:17:41,934 --> 00:17:44,531
♪ I take two steps back ♪
419
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:45,899
♪ We come together ♪
420
00:17:45,968 --> 00:17:47,998
♪ 'Cause I'm dressed
like a cat ♪
421
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,198
♪ And you know
it ain't fiction ♪
422
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:52,699
♪ Just a natural fact ♪
423
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,165
♪ We come together ♪
424
00:17:54,234 --> 00:17:57,065
♪ 'Cause I'm dressed
like a cat ♪♪
425
00:17:59,201 --> 00:18:01,066
Reverend Peter,
I gotta talk to you.
426
00:18:01,134 --> 00:18:03,899
Last night I had sex
with a teenage blonde
and her mother.
427
00:18:03,967 --> 00:18:05,598
Well, that's quite a story,
Quagmire,
428
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,565
but my church
doesn't have confession.
429
00:18:07,634 --> 00:18:09,432
So there's really no reason
for you to tell me.
430
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,298
Are you kiddin'?
I'm tellin' everybody.
Giggity Goo Ga!
431
00:18:14,734 --> 00:18:17,498
Let us pause to reflect
on the sacred mystery
432
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,799
of Richie's elder brother,
Chuck,
433
00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:23,499
who ascended the stairs
with his basketball
in Season One
434
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:25,332
and never came down again.
435
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,099
There's just one problem,
Peter.
436
00:18:27,168 --> 00:18:30,198
When a religion
gets too powerful,
it's bound to have imitators.
437
00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:31,665
What are you talkin' about?
438
00:18:31,734 --> 00:18:33,398
Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley
439
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:35,932
and I've just established the
Church of George Jefferson.
440
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,365
Who wants to move on up?
441
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,099
(NOISY CHATTERING)
442
00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:42,266
Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod
443
00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:44,731
and I've just established the
Church of Captain Stubing.
444
00:18:44,801 --> 00:18:46,165
Who wants to come onboard?
445
00:18:49,068 --> 00:18:50,699
Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.
446
00:18:50,768 --> 00:18:53,598
Oh, great.
You here to convert people
to the Church of Mike Seaver?
447
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:56,066
No, I'm here to convert people
to Christianity.
448
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,865
(MUTTERING)
MAN 1: Okay.
449
00:18:57,934 --> 00:19:00,333
MAN 2: Well, he was
on Growing Pains.
450
00:19:00,401 --> 00:19:02,598
I can't believe it.
Everybody's gone.
451
00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:05,131
Well, people like that
are always lookin'
for the next voice
452
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,565
to tell 'em what to do.
453
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:09,099
And here I was,
thinkin' I was
makin' a difference.
454
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:11,465
I thought I was actually
connectin' with people.
455
00:19:11,534 --> 00:19:13,999
Could there be
anyone stupider than me?
456
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,499
Madonna?
457
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:18,065
Oh, yeah.
She's pretty stupid.
458
00:19:18,134 --> 00:19:20,232
That-- That's something
we can all agree on,
right, right?
459
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:23,465
Absolutely, yeah. Francis?
Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.
460
00:19:23,534 --> 00:19:24,999
Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!
461
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:27,332
I guess we do have
some common ground
here after all, huh?
462
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,665
Yeah. And La Isla Bonita,
not a real place.
463
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:31,032
I--I looked it up.
Couldn't find it.
464
00:19:31,101 --> 00:19:32,432
Bought a globe.
Couldn't find it.
465
00:19:32,501 --> 00:19:33,865
Oh, yeah?
That makes her a liar, too.
466
00:19:33,934 --> 00:19:35,765
She's awful.
Awful, awful woman.
467
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:37,599
I agree, yeah.
And she's a whore.
468
00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:40,932
Oh yeah, big time.
Oh, everybody. Canseco? Ew!
469
00:19:41,001 --> 00:19:43,198
Dennis Rodman.
Dennis Rodman, right.
Right, yeah.
470
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:44,598
Rodman? My God!
471
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:46,232
I think he lost
all his money, didn't he?
472
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:48,965
Rodman lost?
You sure you're not
thinking of MC Hammer?
473
00:19:49,034 --> 00:19:50,765
No, no, I think...
Well, him, too.
474
00:19:50,834 --> 00:19:52,665
I read somewhere,
I think it was in like,
475
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,332
like Stuff, or is it...
476
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:57,598
No, no, no. You know what,
it was on Real Sports
with Bryant Gumbel.
477
00:19:57,667 --> 00:20:00,132
And they said that
he's in the poorhouse
now, yeah.
478
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,598
You think
she'd do him now?
479
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,999
(STUTTERING) I...
What, would Madonna
do Rodman now?
480
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:05,865
Oh, yeah, no,
'cause it's not
about the money.
481
00:20:05,934 --> 00:20:07,065
It's about
pissin' off Daddy.
482
00:20:07,134 --> 00:20:08,832
That's right.
She's got a lot of problems.
483
00:20:08,901 --> 00:20:10,632
Lot of problems.
Yeah, we are smarter.
484
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:13,265
W-W-We are smarter
than--than Madonna.
485
00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:15,798
Oh, no question.
486
00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:18,132
Well, I should
probably get out
of these robes.
487
00:20:22,733 --> 00:20:24,466
Oh, look at you.
You're all better.
488
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:26,732
That's right, Brian.
And you are toast.
489
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:28,999
I'm gonna get in the gym,
get my lats back
490
00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:30,999
and then me and my friends
from Cobra Kai
491
00:20:31,067 --> 00:20:32,799
are gonna take you down,
man.
492
00:20:32,867 --> 00:20:35,832
Listen, uh,
sorry I had to rain
on your parade, Peter.
493
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,365
It's all right, Brian.
494
00:20:37,433 --> 00:20:40,398
I guess
the Church of the Fonz
was just a bad idea.
495
00:20:40,466 --> 00:20:42,132
Not really, Peter.
496
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,165
You were preachin' honesty,
friendship, courage.
497
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:49,265
And if you manage to
inspire even one person
to embrace those values
498
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:50,999
then you are a success.
499
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:53,798
Thanks, Lois.
But I doubt there's
any chance of that.
500
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,799
♪ One, two, three o'clock,
four o'clock, rock ♪
501
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:05,398
♪ Five, six, seven o'clock,
eight o'clock, rock ♪
502
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,732
♪ Nine, ten, eleven o'clock,
twelve o'clock, rock ♪
503
00:21:07,801 --> 00:21:10,431
♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight ♪
504
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:13,199
♪ Put your glad rags on
and join me, hon ♪
505
00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:15,799
♪ We'll have some fun
when the clock strikes one ♪
506
00:21:15,868 --> 00:21:18,431
♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight ♪
507
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:21,066
♪ We're gonna
rock, rock, rock,
till broad daylight ♪
508
00:21:21,135 --> 00:21:26,165
♪ We're gonna rock,
gonna rock,
around the clock tonight ♪
509
00:21:26,234 --> 00:21:28,999
♪ When the clock strikes two,
three and four ♪
510
00:21:29,068 --> 00:21:31,565
♪ If the band slows down
we'll yell for more ♪
511
00:21:31,633 --> 00:21:34,132
♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight ♪
512
00:21:34,201 --> 00:21:36,799
♪ We're gonna
rock, rock, rock,
till broad daylight ♪
513
00:21:36,868 --> 00:21:41,065
♪ We're gonna rock,
gonna rock,
around the clock tonight ♪♪