1
00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:05,632
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:13,032
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:13,101 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,298
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,366 --> 00:00:22,698
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:24,265
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,334 --> 00:00:25,965
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,966
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,401 --> 00:00:37,265
(RINGING)
11
00:00:37,334 --> 00:00:38,665
Hey, how'd you sleep,
Peter?
12
00:00:38,733 --> 00:00:40,731
Uh, Brian, last night
I had this crazy dream.
13
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,965
I was eatin' a sheep
and now my pillow's gone.
14
00:00:43,034 --> 00:00:44,298
Oh, wait. Here it is.
15
00:00:44,367 --> 00:00:45,665
What the hell was I eatin'?
16
00:00:45,734 --> 00:00:47,865
(BLEATING)
17
00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,032
Oh, sorry.
18
00:01:03,134 --> 00:01:05,066
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
19
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:08,765
See you, Lois.
20
00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:10,465
Oh, and like
I tell you every day,
21
00:01:10,533 --> 00:01:12,099
if I come back in
the middle of the afternoon
22
00:01:12,168 --> 00:01:15,332
and you're having
sex with somebody,
I'll kill you both.
23
00:01:15,401 --> 00:01:17,365
"Thanks to
effective treatments,
24
00:01:17,434 --> 00:01:19,699
"Magic Johnson
down to one AID."
25
00:01:20,868 --> 00:01:22,999
Oh, God, did I hit
that deaf kid again?
26
00:01:23,068 --> 00:01:25,265
They ought to put
a bell on that guy.
27
00:01:27,266 --> 00:01:29,232
The nurse says
Brian won't be out of surgery
28
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:30,632
for another three hours.
29
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,232
Oh, I hope
he's gonna be okay.
30
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,798
Me, too.
31
00:01:33,868 --> 00:01:36,233
I know we're not here
to place blame
or beat ourselves up,
32
00:01:36,301 --> 00:01:39,398
but, I can't help feelin' like
this is somehow Meg's fault.
33
00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,132
Oh, I just can't
stand the thought
of losin' Brian.
34
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,765
Uh, if he dies,
I'm gonna have to start
35
00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:45,565
hanging out
with The Rock again.
36
00:01:45,634 --> 00:01:46,965
ANNOUNCER: One's a baby,
37
00:01:47,034 --> 00:01:50,731
and the other's black,
I think.
38
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,665
At least part black.
39
00:01:52,733 --> 00:01:54,731
Or Hispanic.
40
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,531
I think, you know, possibly,
there's some Filipino
in there.
41
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,865
Yeah, possibly some Filipino.
42
00:01:59,934 --> 00:02:04,032
I mean, if he, if he's black,
it's definitely diluted.
43
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,865
I mean, one of his parents
must be white.
44
00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:10,798
What the hell is Jessica Alba,
for that matter?
45
00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:12,399
If I were 40 years younger,
46
00:02:12,467 --> 00:02:14,565
I would plow that
till next July.
47
00:02:16,968 --> 00:02:19,965
All right, class,
today as a special treat,
I'm going to show you this
48
00:02:20,034 --> 00:02:23,199
fascinating episode of NOVA
that I taped at home for you.
49
00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:26,498
You comin' back to bed,
Rob?
50
00:02:26,567 --> 00:02:27,765
Well, hang on, honey.
Hang on.
51
00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:29,065
My jaw keeps locking up.
52
00:02:29,134 --> 00:02:32,166
Oh, well, that's not
NOVA at all, is it?
53
00:02:32,233 --> 00:02:34,532
That's a sex tape
I made with my wife.
54
00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:37,532
Of course,
nobody here is interested
in seeing that sort of thing.
55
00:02:37,601 --> 00:02:39,698
Are they? Probably not.
No. Okay.
56
00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:42,232
(EXCLAIMING)
You kind of looked like
you were nodding? Nope?
57
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,898
Okay. Okay,
we should get back to work.
58
00:02:43,967 --> 00:02:46,532
Uh, all right, next up,
does everyone have
a lab partner?
59
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,932
I don't.
Me, neither.
60
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:48,998
She can be my partner.
61
00:02:49,067 --> 00:02:50,898
Sarah,
that's very irresponsible.
62
00:02:50,968 --> 00:02:52,431
Meg is awful.
63
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,232
You want to be
my lab partner?
Really?
64
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,699
Sure, you seem nice.
65
00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:58,599
Hey, do you want to join
my after-school club?
Sure.
66
00:02:58,667 --> 00:02:59,899
Now,
open your books to page...
67
00:02:59,967 --> 00:03:01,498
You know what?
Look, I'm sorry.
68
00:03:01,566 --> 00:03:04,432
Can I just go ahead
and show this video
of me doing my wife?
69
00:03:05,634 --> 00:03:07,832
Here we are, Brian,
safe and sound.
70
00:03:07,901 --> 00:03:09,665
Peter, I don't need
to be in a wheelchair.
71
00:03:09,734 --> 00:03:11,365
Now, now, no arguments,
Brian.
72
00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:14,032
I already went through
the trouble of borrowing
this ramp from Joe.
73
00:03:14,101 --> 00:03:15,831
I'll see you, honey.
I'll be back in a...
74
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:17,032
(SCREAMING)
75
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:18,465
Joe, are you all right?
76
00:03:18,534 --> 00:03:21,632
Don't help me up.
I need to retain
my independence.
77
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:22,832
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
78
00:03:22,901 --> 00:03:25,432
You need anything
from the market?
PowerBar!
79
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,432
What's wrong, Brian?
80
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,065
You've just been
sittin' on the couch
81
00:03:31,134 --> 00:03:32,898
ever since you got
back from the hospital.
82
00:03:32,967 --> 00:03:34,732
You need to get
out of the house.
83
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,698
I don't know, Lois.
I'm a little depressed.
84
00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:39,332
The accident got me thinkin'
about how uncertain life is
85
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,332
and how suddenly
it can be taken away.
86
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,632
Uh, you're gonna feel
back to normal in no time.
87
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:44,832
Here, have some food.
88
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:45,999
I'm not hungry.
89
00:03:46,068 --> 00:03:47,832
Here comes the gravy.
90
00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:49,899
(COUGHING)
91
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,432
You messy beast.
92
00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:58,199
Well, hello there, Meg.
93
00:03:58,267 --> 00:04:01,132
Um, Neil,
I really can't be seen
talking to you anymore.
94
00:04:01,201 --> 00:04:03,932
I have friends now,
and some of them,
very popular.
95
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,798
I know. I heard Sarah
is your lab partner.
96
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:09,965
All those years
of you rejecting me
finally made sense.
97
00:04:10,034 --> 00:04:11,365
What do you mean?
98
00:04:14,968 --> 00:04:17,266
Oh, my God!
99
00:04:21,466 --> 00:04:23,364
(SIGHING)
100
00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:25,165
Meg! There you are.
101
00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,732
Hey, everybody, this is our
newest member, Meg.
102
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:28,999
Hi, Meg.
What's up?
103
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,298
Hi, you gays, guys.
Girls.
104
00:04:31,367 --> 00:04:34,265
Oh, look, listen, Sarah,
I can't be in your club.
105
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:35,832
I'm not a lesbian.
106
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,899
You can't be serious.
We had a whole party
planned for you.
107
00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:41,199
Really?
A party, for me?
108
00:04:41,268 --> 00:04:44,266
But I guess if
you're not a lesbian...
Wait, wait.
109
00:04:44,333 --> 00:04:46,631
You didn't let me finish.
I'm not a lesbian.
110
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:49,099
I'm a super,
huge mega-lesbian.
111
00:04:49,168 --> 00:04:51,899
Oh, good.
You'll fit in with
the other mega-lesbians.
112
00:04:51,967 --> 00:04:55,398
♪ My heart's on fire ♪
113
00:04:55,467 --> 00:04:57,132
♪ Elvira ♪
114
00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:00,932
♪ Giddy up ♪
115
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,699
♪ Oom poppa
Oom poppa mow mow ♪
116
00:05:03,768 --> 00:05:04,831
♪ Giddy up ♪
117
00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:07,565
♪ Oom poppa
Oom poppa mow mow ♪♪
118
00:05:07,634 --> 00:05:09,965
Wow!
I feel so socially accepted.
119
00:05:10,034 --> 00:05:11,565
Hey, do you have
any other friends
120
00:05:11,634 --> 00:05:13,132
you want to invite
to your party?
121
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,565
Uh, no.
Most of my friends
are out of town.
122
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:18,065
Oh, this is gonna be great!
123
00:05:18,134 --> 00:05:20,332
We'll stay up late,
trade stories.
124
00:05:20,401 --> 00:05:21,532
(EXCLAIMING)
125
00:05:21,601 --> 00:05:23,999
Let's watch the video
of my ballet recital.
126
00:05:25,567 --> 00:05:26,832
Here it is!
127
00:05:26,901 --> 00:05:28,065
(EXCLAIMING)
128
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,099
Sunshine Bear. Wait!
129
00:05:32,168 --> 00:05:33,799
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
130
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:36,298
(TRUCK HONKING)
131
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,899
(GASPING)
132
00:05:40,968 --> 00:05:42,999
♪♪(MUSIC PLAYING)
133
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:45,099
Hey, how's it goin'?
Good.
134
00:05:45,167 --> 00:05:46,898
Oh, those are huge.
135
00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:48,632
Those are huge boobs.
136
00:05:48,701 --> 00:05:50,298
And you know what's nice?
137
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:52,498
That--That you don't
have that blue vein up there
138
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:54,599
that some of
the bigger ones get.
139
00:05:55,734 --> 00:05:58,665
What?
I said you don't have that.
140
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,598
Hey, buddy,
you're not looking so good.
141
00:06:00,667 --> 00:06:03,398
Who cares how I look?
Nothing matters.
142
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:05,832
We--We could all die tomorrow,
every one of us.
143
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,699
Well, isn't that
a damn good reason
to live it up today?
144
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:10,898
Come on, it can't possibly
be that simple.
145
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:13,732
Excuse me.
I got a thing to do.
146
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,165
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
147
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,698
we have a very
special guest tonight.
148
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:21,298
Please welcome
the Member of the Board,
Frank Sinatra Jr.
149
00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:23,731
♪ Love is lovelier ♪
150
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,598
♪ The second time around ♪
151
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:29,731
♪ Just as wonderful ♪
152
00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:33,232
♪ With both feet
on the ground ♪
153
00:06:34,434 --> 00:06:36,165
♪ Who can say ♪
154
00:06:36,234 --> 00:06:40,665
♪ What brought us
to this miracle we've found ♪
155
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,166
♪ There are those who'd bet ♪
156
00:06:43,234 --> 00:06:46,465
♪ Love comes but once
and yet ♪
157
00:06:46,534 --> 00:06:49,565
♪ I'm oh so glad we met ♪
158
00:06:49,634 --> 00:06:53,932
♪ The second time around ♪♪
159
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:00,532
All this singing
is contagious.
160
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:01,698
I'll sing, too.
161
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,398
♪ Adam West ♪
162
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:07,565
♪ Adam West ♪
163
00:07:07,634 --> 00:07:09,365
A little bit softer now.
164
00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:11,532
♪ Adam West ♪
165
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,465
♪ Adam West ♪
166
00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:17,631
♪ Adam West, Adam West ♪♪
167
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:20,232
I'll come out
when they're all gone.
168
00:07:24,634 --> 00:07:27,899
Wow, Brian,
you actually got to sing
with Frank Sinatra Jr.?
169
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,065
Oh, it was amazing.
170
00:07:29,134 --> 00:07:30,731
I--I got to tell you,
he said some things
171
00:07:30,801 --> 00:07:32,698
that were exactly
what I needed to hear,
172
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:34,965
and I--I was just inspired
to get up on that stage.
173
00:07:35,034 --> 00:07:36,932
Got to live life for today,
you know?
174
00:07:37,001 --> 00:07:40,732
Uh, Brian, don't you think
it's a little too early
to be hittin' the booze?
175
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:41,999
Hey,
what's the point of waiting?
176
00:07:42,068 --> 00:07:43,999
You got to live life
while you can
and live it hard.
177
00:07:44,068 --> 00:07:45,732
The Chris Farley method,
that's good.
178
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,465
Frank invited me
back this evening.
179
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,732
I tell you, I feel
more exhilarated
than Peter did
180
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:51,865
when he swam with the bulls.
181
00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:54,098
♪♪(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
182
00:08:15,034 --> 00:08:16,465
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
183
00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:19,199
Oh, yeah, that's fair.
No, that's totally
a fair score.
184
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,199
You know, Brian,
when you wear that suit,
185
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:27,632
it looks like
you're taking
a white poop.
186
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:29,832
But it's stuck.
187
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,398
Look, Lois asked me
to baby-sit you,
188
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:32,865
so just stay here
and be quiet.
189
00:08:32,934 --> 00:08:34,932
I'll be back
after my first set.
190
00:08:37,366 --> 00:08:39,965
What the hell am I supposed
to do to kill time?
191
00:08:40,034 --> 00:08:43,165
Oh, maybe I'll play 52 Pickup.
192
00:08:43,234 --> 00:08:45,865
Uh, this game's better
if there's someone else here.
193
00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:48,865
'Cause then they can say,
"Uh, I'm not gonna
pick up those cards."
194
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:52,165
And then--then I say,
"You have to,
it's 52 Pickup."
195
00:08:52,234 --> 00:08:55,098
And they say,
"Well, what if
I just leave them there?"
196
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:57,399
And I say,
"Those are my father's cards.
197
00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:58,932
"You can't just
leave them there.
198
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,765
"He's gonna be mad."
199
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:01,999
Where am I?
200
00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:05,266
♪ I don't care
if the sun don't shine ♪
201
00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:07,599
♪ I do my drinking
in the evening time ♪
202
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:09,999
♪ When I'm ♪
203
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,899
♪ In Rhode Island ♪
204
00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:12,898
♪♪(SCATTING)
205
00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:14,132
Get out of here.
206
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,532
♪ You can sit
in the sun and camp ♪
207
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,365
♪ But I get my color
from a sun ray lamp ♪
208
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,565
♪ When I'm ♪
209
00:09:21,633 --> 00:09:23,831
♪ In Rhode Island ♪
210
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:28,799
Whoa. Easy, kid.
These people paid
good money to get in here.
211
00:09:28,867 --> 00:09:31,766
Oh, yeah? How much are you
charging them to get out?
212
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:39,232
♪ We go together
There's no mistake ♪
213
00:09:39,301 --> 00:09:41,932
♪ Like a bowl of chowder
and a big clam cake ♪
214
00:09:42,001 --> 00:09:45,165
♪ And we love ♪
215
00:09:45,233 --> 00:09:47,431
♪ Rhode Island ♪♪
216
00:09:47,968 --> 00:09:50,298
(CROWD CHEERING)
217
00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:52,032
That was sensational.
218
00:09:52,101 --> 00:09:55,299
We're gonna be
the biggest thing since
Edison harnessed electricity.
219
00:09:57,034 --> 00:09:59,832
Look at Edison over there
with his damn electricity.
220
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,665
Hey, Edison,
how about sharing some
of those light bulbs, huh?
221
00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:04,765
Hey, figure it out
for yourself, man.
222
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:06,731
We're freezing
our asses off over here.
223
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,831
Hey, man, how do you think
I feel, you know?
224
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,498
You--You get to look
at my great house.
225
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:12,432
I get to look at
that dark thing, huh?
226
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,831
What, what is that,
a candle over there?
Uh, that's pretty sweet.
227
00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:17,365
Yeah, it's a candle.
We-- We're freezing over here.
228
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:20,831
No one in my family's
taken a bath in a month.
We stink.
229
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:22,165
It stinks over here,
you jerk.
230
00:10:22,233 --> 00:10:23,665
I can't hear you
over my central heating.
231
00:10:23,733 --> 00:10:24,998
Hey, why don't you
go to hell, Edison.
232
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:26,065
Hey, bite me, man.
233
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,498
Hey, you guys seen
The Office?
234
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:29,798
Oh, no, I guess you haven't
'cause you don't have a TV.
235
00:10:29,867 --> 00:10:31,731
Hey, how about I come
over there and kick your ass?
236
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,098
(EXCLAIMING)
Yeah, come on over.
237
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,165
♪♪(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
238
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:42,298
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
239
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:44,999
What is this, Lois?
240
00:10:45,068 --> 00:10:47,266
It's jambalaya.
It's a new recipe.
241
00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:50,232
(GRUNTING)
242
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:51,498
Peter.
243
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,166
(EXCLAIMING)
Eat your food, mister.
244
00:10:54,234 --> 00:10:56,731
All right,
if you don't want it,
put it in your napkin.
245
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:57,865
(EXCLAIMING)
Peter,
246
00:10:57,934 --> 00:11:00,865
put it in your napkin!
Put it in your...
247
00:11:00,934 --> 00:11:02,565
(EXCLAIMING)
I'm not gonna...
248
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:04,165
(SIGHS)
249
00:11:04,233 --> 00:11:06,532
You know, some people
would be very happy
to have this food.
250
00:11:06,601 --> 00:11:08,399
Like John Goodman's family.
251
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:10,632
Please, Daddy.
252
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:13,799
I told you,
when I'm finished,
you can have what's left.
253
00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:15,465
There won't be any left.
254
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:17,265
There's never any left.
255
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:20,932
(GASPING)
256
00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:23,832
Happy Thanksgiving.
257
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,065
(SOBBING)
258
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,832
Mom, why is
the cable guy here?
259
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:32,999
It's me, you guys,
and I have something
to tell you all.
260
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:36,832
Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian.
261
00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:40,732
That is awesome.
Peter.
262
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,899
Meg, you are not a lesbian.
263
00:11:42,967 --> 00:11:44,765
You know, I don't care
what you guys think.
264
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:48,565
All my new lesbian
friends accept me,
and that's all that matters.
265
00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:49,865
Meg, you're my daughter.
266
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:51,331
I would accept you
if you were gay
267
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,632
or blind or retarded,
but you're not.
268
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,464
You guys don't care
about me and my struggle!
269
00:11:56,533 --> 00:11:57,932
I hate you!
270
00:11:58,001 --> 00:11:59,799
Oh, Meg, I think you're
just trying to fit in
271
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:01,765
by pretending to be
something you're not.
272
00:12:01,834 --> 00:12:05,499
Like the time Peter
pretended to be racist
to get out of jury duty.
273
00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:10,465
Awful lot of honkies
in here.
274
00:12:41,134 --> 00:12:42,699
(RETCHING)
275
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,799
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
276
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,165
Brian, there you are.
277
00:12:50,234 --> 00:12:52,032
Do you have any idea
what time it is?
278
00:12:52,101 --> 00:12:54,298
Stewie was supposed
to be in bed two hours ago.
279
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:57,665
Oh, yeah, he, uh...
He's, um, he's...
280
00:12:57,734 --> 00:13:00,465
He was right here,
right next to me like,
four hours ago.
281
00:13:00,534 --> 00:13:03,631
What? Brian, you were
supposed to watch him!
282
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,632
(GASPING)
Oh, my little sweetie!
283
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,565
Hey, Brian, remember me?
284
00:13:07,634 --> 00:13:09,332
I'm the guy you left
standing at the counter
285
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,898
at McDonald's with
a bag full of burgers.
286
00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:14,765
You know, it's funny,
I tried to walk home and...
287
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:18,532
A lot of hungry deer
walking around at this hour
of the night and...
288
00:13:18,601 --> 00:13:20,432
Oh, here's where
the story gets fun.
289
00:13:20,501 --> 00:13:22,698
Uh, you may have noticed
I'm missing an ear.
290
00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:24,932
Managed to, uh, pull it
out of the deer's mouth
291
00:13:25,001 --> 00:13:27,232
and put it in some ice
I got at a 7-Eleven.
292
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:29,965
So, when you're
ready to apologize,
just talk into this cup.
293
00:13:30,034 --> 00:13:32,432
Uh, Brian,
this is inexcusable.
294
00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:34,199
Yeah, what if somethin'
had happened to Stewie?
295
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:36,198
My ear's in a cup,
I guess that doesn't count.
296
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:38,265
Hey, hey,
I'm not the kid's
baby-sitter, all right?
297
00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:40,231
I have my own life to live.
298
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,598
You know, this is all because
you've been hangin' out
with that Frank Sinatra Jr.
299
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:44,665
I am gonna call
his mother Mia Farrow
300
00:13:44,733 --> 00:13:46,265
and give her
a piece of my mind.
301
00:13:46,333 --> 00:13:48,465
And you are gonna stop
singin' at that crazy club.
302
00:13:48,534 --> 00:13:49,832
Operator, Mia Farrow,
please.
303
00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:51,465
You stay out of my life!
304
00:13:51,533 --> 00:13:52,798
(GROWLING)
305
00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:54,132
(SCREAMING)
306
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,098
What the hell
is happenin' to you?
307
00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:58,631
Yeah, uh, don't worry,
I don't need to go
to the hospital or anything.
308
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:01,099
I'll just use this
Mr. Potato Head piece.
309
00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:07,298
He bit me, Lois.
The bastard bit me.
310
00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:09,398
Oh, honey,
I'm sure he didn't mean it.
311
00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:11,998
Brian's going through
some heavy stuff right now.
312
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:13,364
He almost died.
313
00:14:15,701 --> 00:14:17,965
Listen, Peter,
314
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:19,232
I--I just want to apologize.
315
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,632
You know what?
Forget it.
316
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:22,831
(STAMMERING)
I don't need this.
I'm out of here.
317
00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:24,898
(SIGHING)
Look what you did, Peter.
318
00:14:24,967 --> 00:14:26,698
I can't help it.
I haven't been this scared
319
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:28,464
since I was mugged
by Gene Shalit.
320
00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:30,365
Don't Panic Room.
321
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:33,565
I'm not going
to William Hurt you.
322
00:14:33,634 --> 00:14:36,798
I only want your
Tango & Cash.
323
00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:38,832
So just Pay It Forward
324
00:14:38,901 --> 00:14:42,265
and we'll
all be Happy Gilmore.
325
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:43,332
What?
326
00:14:47,801 --> 00:14:50,865
So, how's my suddenly
lesbian daughter doin'?
327
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:53,465
Great. We're checking out
naked girls.
328
00:14:53,534 --> 00:14:55,898
I am so into girls.
329
00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:58,466
Oh, come on, Meg,
you can stop the charade.
330
00:14:58,534 --> 00:15:01,032
My God, you're as transparent
as your father was
331
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,866
when he pretended to be
a Hasidic Jew to get off work.
332
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:06,032
Good morning,
Hebrews and shebrews.
333
00:15:06,101 --> 00:15:08,099
What a glorious Jewish day.
334
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:11,199
Hey,
how about all those coupons
in the Sunday paper, huh?
335
00:15:11,268 --> 00:15:12,832
Some good deals there.
336
00:15:12,901 --> 00:15:14,698
Hey, you know,
I went into a store last week
337
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:16,665
and they wanted $800
for a TV,
338
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:19,431
but I us'ed
them down to $500.
339
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,831
(SCREAMING)
340
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:24,232
It's not a charade, Mom.
I am a lesbian.
341
00:15:24,301 --> 00:15:26,066
What do I have to do
to prove this to you?
342
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,631
Well, maybe if I'd seen you
kiss your girlfriend.
343
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:29,765
Fine.
344
00:15:29,834 --> 00:15:30,932
What was that?
345
00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:32,299
What is she,
your grandmother?
346
00:15:32,368 --> 00:15:35,165
(SCOFFS)
That's no kiss. Watch this.
347
00:15:35,933 --> 00:15:38,632
(MOANING)
348
00:15:42,368 --> 00:15:44,498
Look, I can't tell you
how to lead your life.
349
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:46,032
If you don't want
to face the truth,
350
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:49,099
there's nothin'
I can do about it.
351
00:15:49,168 --> 00:15:51,066
Chris, I'm all out
of digital audio tape.
352
00:15:51,135 --> 00:15:52,465
Oh, he's gone.
353
00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:55,432
Oh, hey, can I get you guys
to sign these release forms?
354
00:15:57,001 --> 00:15:58,665
Oh, where the hell is Brian?
355
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,366
I don't know,
but I better go find him.
356
00:16:00,434 --> 00:16:02,899
We can't sit here watching
infomercials all night.
357
00:16:02,967 --> 00:16:05,132
Hello.
How come I rich and you not?
358
00:16:05,201 --> 00:16:07,433
How come you not sell
real estate like I do?
359
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,565
How come I sleep with
your wife while you at work
360
00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:11,865
and then I pee in your toilet
and don't flush?
361
00:16:11,934 --> 00:16:13,598
And sometimes
I open the back part
362
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,865
and I pee in there,
so that when you flush
pee come out.
363
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,465
You know why?
Because I'm smart.
364
00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:19,732
I'm smart, you're stupid.
Call now.
365
00:16:19,801 --> 00:16:23,932
Brian! Brian!
366
00:16:24,001 --> 00:16:27,699
Brian! Brian...
367
00:16:28,967 --> 00:16:30,132
Uh, who am I kidding?
368
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,099
All those buttons,
I'll look like Steve Harvey.
369
00:16:32,168 --> 00:16:33,265
Brian!
370
00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:39,132
Yeah, I'll ask the cashier
if I can put this up
in the window.
371
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,465
I definitely need
a breath freshener.
372
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,965
Ooh, but that's going
to give me 11 items.
373
00:16:44,034 --> 00:16:46,065
That's fine.
No, no, no.
374
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:47,965
Rules is rules.
375
00:16:48,034 --> 00:16:49,831
Let's see what
I'm gonna put back.
376
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:53,432
Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap
and the bathroom tissue.
377
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:57,898
I could do
without the Triscuits,
but they sure are good.
378
00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:00,999
7-Up's the whole reason
I came down here
in the first place.
379
00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,299
You know what?
380
00:17:02,368 --> 00:17:03,998
I'm not gonna need the V8,
381
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,998
because I can just
get some tomato juice
382
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,798
at the mini-mart
down the street.
383
00:17:07,867 --> 00:17:09,865
It's a little more expensive,
but that's okay.
384
00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:12,032
I like to help out
a small business.
385
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:14,498
I hope it's okay
if I pay you in pennies.
386
00:17:18,868 --> 00:17:20,999
Oh, God, a gutter?
How cliche.
387
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:22,798
I don't know what went wrong.
388
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,532
I was just trying to
live for the moment,
you know?
389
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,898
Because life can end
so abruptly
390
00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:30,032
and there's nothing
you can do to stop it.
391
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:33,231
Is that why you've been on
this path to self-destruction?
392
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:34,932
You know, Brian,
as smart as you are,
393
00:17:35,001 --> 00:17:36,598
you've got
to accept the fact that
394
00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:39,531
there are some things in life
that you just can't control.
395
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,032
You mean the way,
the way you can't control
that messed up way
396
00:17:43,101 --> 00:17:44,299
that you laugh
when--when you think
397
00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,266
something's
really, really funny?
398
00:17:46,335 --> 00:17:48,299
FAITH: (ON TV) Well, Hope,
I don't understand why
399
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:50,098
these cookies are
giving us all the fits.
400
00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:52,199
HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith.
401
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:54,065
That's not baking powder.
402
00:17:54,134 --> 00:17:55,865
It's sneezing powder.
403
00:17:55,934 --> 00:17:57,332
(LAUGHING)
404
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:04,465
FAITH: But, I already
brought a whole batch
to the church bake sale.
405
00:18:04,534 --> 00:18:05,799
(LAUGHING)
406
00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:11,099
HOPE: No wonder that priest
kept saying, "Bless you."
407
00:18:11,167 --> 00:18:12,766
(LAUGHING)
408
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,099
Yes, and I accept that.
409
00:18:18,168 --> 00:18:19,832
Your problem is,
you think that
410
00:18:19,901 --> 00:18:21,565
just because
you're not in control,
411
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,066
nothing matters.
That--That you don't matter.
412
00:18:24,135 --> 00:18:25,398
But you know what?
413
00:18:25,467 --> 00:18:26,932
You matter to someone.
414
00:18:27,001 --> 00:18:28,499
You matter big time.
415
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:33,166
Hey, Meg.
What are you doing here?
416
00:18:33,234 --> 00:18:36,199
Listen, Sarah,
I got to get
something off my chest.
417
00:18:36,268 --> 00:18:37,465
Yes!
418
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:38,932
I need to open up.
419
00:18:39,001 --> 00:18:40,032
Sweet.
420
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,066
So get ready
'cause here it is.
421
00:18:42,134 --> 00:18:43,565
My mom was right.
422
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:45,532
What do you mean?
423
00:18:45,601 --> 00:18:46,665
I'm not gay.
424
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,265
What?
425
00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:51,132
So, all those
rounds of golf we played,
those were all lies?
426
00:18:51,201 --> 00:18:52,532
I'm so sorry.
427
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,431
For the first time in my life,
I felt like I belonged,
428
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,265
and I wanted it to be true.
429
00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:59,598
So I pretended
to be something I'm not.
430
00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:01,898
You're going to choose
to be heterosexual?
431
00:19:01,967 --> 00:19:03,466
I thought being gay
wasn't a choice.
432
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:04,599
Well, not for guys.
433
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:06,599
It was wrong of me
to mislead you.
434
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:07,665
I should go.
435
00:19:07,734 --> 00:19:10,132
That was awful.
That was just awful.
436
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,565
What do you think, Mark?
437
00:19:11,634 --> 00:19:13,832
I don't know, man.
We didn't get
the shots we need.
438
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:15,698
Man, what do you think, Mike?
439
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:17,898
I mean, if you saw action
goin' on in front of you,
440
00:19:17,967 --> 00:19:20,298
would you know instinctively
to center it in front of you?
441
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,632
I don't know.
Could someone take
442
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:23,265
my soda out of
the icebox please,
443
00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:24,632
so it doesn't freeze?
444
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,698
♪♪(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)
445
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,398
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
446
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:34,231
♪ How I love a girl
who's flawless ♪
447
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,999
♪ Even better
when she's braless ♪
448
00:19:37,068 --> 00:19:41,632
♪ But the thing
that tops it all
is when we swing ♪
449
00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:46,899
♪ And how I love
a glass of Jack ♪
450
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:49,798
♪ Or anything
with Robert Stack ♪
451
00:19:49,867 --> 00:19:51,466
♪ But the girls we romance ♪
452
00:19:51,534 --> 00:19:52,899
♪ Can't stay
out of our pants ♪
453
00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:55,965
♪ When we swing ♪
454
00:19:56,034 --> 00:20:00,999
♪ Yesterday had got me
feeling kind of blue ♪
455
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:06,865
♪ So you left and
we replaced you with a Jew ♪
456
00:20:06,934 --> 00:20:08,065
(EXCLAIMS)
You're fired.
457
00:20:08,133 --> 00:20:09,332
(EXCLAIMING)
458
00:20:09,401 --> 00:20:12,432
♪ We love it
when the ladies squeeze us ♪
459
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,199
♪ That's an easy way
to please us ♪
460
00:20:15,268 --> 00:20:17,999
♪ But we feel like
freaking Jesus ♪
461
00:20:18,068 --> 00:20:21,398
♪ When we swing ♪
462
00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:25,298
♪ I love
the work of Allen Funt ♪
463
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:28,432
♪ Or a nicely shaven leg ♪
464
00:20:28,501 --> 00:20:34,432
♪ But nothing compares
to the feeling that we get ♪
465
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:37,631
♪ No, nothing compares
to the feeling we get ♪
466
00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:41,632
♪ When we swing ♪♪
467
00:20:42,233 --> 00:20:44,231
(ALL CHEERING)
468
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,298
Frank, there you are.
469
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:48,932
Mia Farrow?
470
00:20:49,001 --> 00:20:51,832
What's this I hear
about you up all night
with a baby and a dog?
471
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:53,464
Oh, leave me alone.
472
00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:54,965
Get over here, young man.
473
00:20:55,034 --> 00:20:56,598
Uh, damn it all.
474
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:03,298
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
475
00:21:03,366 --> 00:21:06,665
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
476
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:10,231
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
477
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:13,132
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
478
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,264
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
479
00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:19,464
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
480
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:21,398
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
481
00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:22,731
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
482
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:28,432
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪