1
00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,766
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,998
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,798
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:37,598
All right, Peter.
You made it to
the bonus round.
11
00:00:37,667 --> 00:00:39,432
Congratulations.
Thanks, Regis.
12
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,032
REGIS: Okay, the category
is "Actor and Show."
13
00:00:42,101 --> 00:00:44,465
So, we need five consonants
and a vowel.
14
00:00:44,533 --> 00:00:46,598
Oh, okay. Um...
15
00:00:47,168 --> 00:00:49,598
"Z." Four.
16
00:00:50,868 --> 00:00:51,899
"Q."
17
00:00:53,201 --> 00:00:54,598
Another "Q."
18
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:56,866
Uh...
19
00:00:57,834 --> 00:00:59,632
A third "Q."
20
00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:01,465
And the Batman symbol.
21
00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:04,232
Okay, no help there.
Fifteen seconds.
22
00:01:04,301 --> 00:01:06,398
If you want to take
a shot at it, talk it out.
23
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,865
Is it Alex Karras
in Webster?
24
00:01:09,934 --> 00:01:11,732
I don't believe it.
25
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,832
Oh, my God! I just took
a shot in the dark!
Holy crap!
26
00:01:16,134 --> 00:01:17,898
Okay. You have $1,300.
27
00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:20,632
Why don't you go ahead
and pick out some prizes
from our showcase?
28
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:25,165
Okay, let's see. Oh, boy!
Everything looks nice. Um...
29
00:01:25,233 --> 00:01:28,532
All right, I'll take
the ceramic Dalmatian
for $600.
30
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,432
And, uh, boy,
that TV looks nice.
31
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:34,731
Uh, give me the one free week
of maid service.
32
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,231
And, uh, I'll take
the hat rack.
33
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:40,065
Um, hey, how much
for that fat guy
in the circle?
34
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,465
I don't see
a price tag on that.
35
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:43,532
REGIS: That's you.
Oh, embarrassing.
36
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,831
Okay, well, in that case,
I'll take the rest
on a gift certificate.
37
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:49,632
Oh, sweetie,
you look so
handsome on TV.
38
00:01:49,701 --> 00:01:51,365
I can't believe
you actually won.
39
00:01:51,433 --> 00:01:54,231
But I suppose
it's not the strangest thing
I've seen on a game show.
40
00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:56,098
Like when Adam West
was on Jeopardy.
41
00:01:56,167 --> 00:01:58,166
All right, players.
The answer once again is,
42
00:01:58,234 --> 00:02:01,965
"It was the first spacecraft
to land on the surface
of Mars."
43
00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:04,165
Adam, what was your response?
44
00:02:05,934 --> 00:02:07,699
"Kebert Xela."
45
00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:12,431
Only saying
his name backwards
46
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,465
can send him back
to the fifth dimension,
where he belongs.
47
00:02:21,034 --> 00:02:22,632
All right,
whip them out, woman.
48
00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:24,132
It's time for
the afternoon meal.
49
00:02:24,201 --> 00:02:27,032
My goodness, Stewie.
I guess you're hungry.
50
00:02:28,633 --> 00:02:31,432
Honey, not so rough this time.
Mommy's very sore.
51
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:32,798
And, by the way,
let's be clear.
52
00:02:32,868 --> 00:02:34,065
I only like you
as a friend.
53
00:02:34,134 --> 00:02:35,631
(DOORBELL DINGING)
54
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:40,065
Hi. I'm Joan.
I'm your maid for the week.
55
00:02:40,134 --> 00:02:43,399
Me Peter. You maid.
56
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,765
Um, I do speak English.
57
00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:49,932
You maid,
clean for me, Peter.
58
00:02:50,001 --> 00:02:52,331
You clean Peter mess.
59
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,732
Peter, stop it.
Welcome to our home,
Joan.
60
00:02:54,801 --> 00:02:56,365
I'm Lois.
Won't you come in?
61
00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:58,032
Oh, boy! My own maid.
62
00:02:58,101 --> 00:03:00,998
This is gonna kick more ass
than that magical ride I took.
63
00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:03,866
♪ It's the Great
Space Coaster ♪
64
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:07,032
♪ Get onboard
on the Great Space Coaster ♪
65
00:03:07,101 --> 00:03:10,599
♪ We'll explore
a comet ride of fantasy ♪
66
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:14,298
♪ To a place where dreams
are fast and free ♪
67
00:03:14,367 --> 00:03:17,065
♪ With new friends
and new things to see ♪
68
00:03:17,134 --> 00:03:20,032
♪ We'll spin you
through the galaxy ♪♪
69
00:03:25,401 --> 00:03:27,499
Well, we are
officially lost.
70
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:29,199
♪ On the Great Space... ♪♪
71
00:03:29,268 --> 00:03:30,999
Shut up, Ricky!
Just shut up
right now!
72
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:33,199
Unless the next words
out of your mouth
are directions
73
00:03:33,268 --> 00:03:34,832
how to get back
to the fish skeleton,
74
00:03:34,901 --> 00:03:36,498
I'm gonna punch you
right in the stomach!
75
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:40,631
Joan, it's great
to have you here.
76
00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:42,865
No one's cleaned
my belly button
in a long time.
77
00:03:42,934 --> 00:03:44,399
Lois is afraid
to go near there
78
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:45,832
and my fingers
are too thick.
79
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:48,066
What is this?
80
00:03:48,134 --> 00:03:50,932
A carton of Parliaments?
I haven't smoked in 10 years.
81
00:03:51,001 --> 00:03:53,165
Hey, keep digging.
82
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,331
Oh, ColecoVision.
83
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,499
Yeah! This could be
a fun afternoon.
84
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,765
JOAN: Mr. Griffin, this is
unbelievably humiliating.
85
00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:07,398
Hey, hey, Lois wants me
to go to the store
and the car's low on gas.
86
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:14,298
Oh, crap!
87
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:18,265
This is truly
a sight to behold.
An awesome spectacle.
88
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:21,932
Peter Griffin,
a once great champion
of the motor speedway
89
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,132
now a study in moppishness.
90
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,332
The hell I am!
91
00:04:26,168 --> 00:04:27,165
Hiya!
92
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,365
MAN ON TV: We now return
to Malcolm in the Middle.
93
00:04:32,434 --> 00:04:34,166
And I told you boys
to pick up your clothes!
94
00:04:34,235 --> 00:04:35,966
And who left the wet towel
on the bed?
95
00:04:36,034 --> 00:04:38,166
I swear to God,
sometimes I feel like
just going on strike!
96
00:04:38,235 --> 00:04:40,665
What would you all do
if I went on strike? Huh?
What would you do?
97
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:43,465
I'm talking to you!
You know what?
That's what I'm gonna do!
98
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:46,332
I'm gonna go on strike!
And you can all try
living without me!
99
00:04:46,401 --> 00:04:48,065
You ever think
about that, huh?
100
00:04:48,134 --> 00:04:50,632
(SCREAMING)
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna do that.
101
00:04:52,201 --> 00:04:54,499
Kids, we're free.
102
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:56,999
We're finally free.
103
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,233
Ouch. Damn,
that hurts.
104
00:05:09,301 --> 00:05:10,498
What happened?
105
00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:13,099
I was breastfeeding Stewie,
and he bit me again.
106
00:05:13,168 --> 00:05:15,199
I think he might have
even broken the skin.
107
00:05:15,268 --> 00:05:16,999
I see. Um...
108
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:20,798
Maybe I should, uh,
you know, uh, look at it.
109
00:05:20,868 --> 00:05:23,199
I, uh... I, uh...
110
00:05:23,268 --> 00:05:26,132
I have seen
a lot of medical shows.
111
00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:29,332
You see, the areola
is very tender here.
112
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,998
And I think one of his
new teeth may have
113
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,765
bitten down
right on a duct.
114
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:36,465
I'm sorry. What?
115
00:05:36,534 --> 00:05:38,165
I don't know
what to do, Brian.
116
00:05:38,234 --> 00:05:39,699
Breastfeeding's
just so painful
117
00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:41,599
since Stewie's teeth
are coming in.
118
00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:44,699
Now I know
how Alec Baldwin feels
when he feeds his brothers.
119
00:05:44,767 --> 00:05:47,132
There you go.
There you go.
120
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,099
Eat up, Stephen.
You're the weakest.
121
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,465
Well, maybe it's time
to wean Stewie.
122
00:05:51,534 --> 00:05:54,098
I suppose it would
make my life easier.
123
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,698
You know what?
I'll give it a try.
124
00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:57,865
Thanks, Brian.
No problem.
125
00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:01,698
(STUTTERING)
Any other problems
you have, too,
126
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,631
like, for example,
around your underpants
127
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:05,999
that you want me
to take a look at,
128
00:06:06,068 --> 00:06:07,598
I could take
a look at that, too.
129
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,332
Huh?
130
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,099
Please pull down
your underpants.
131
00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:15,264
All right, boys.
It's my maid's last night.
132
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,999
So we got to
make the most of it.
133
00:06:17,068 --> 00:06:20,999
I filled this watermelon
with chocolate pudding
and M-80 firecrackers.
134
00:06:21,068 --> 00:06:23,399
Hey, Meg.
Will you hold this
for Daddy?
135
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:25,198
Okay. Why?
136
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:26,932
Uh, it's a present.
137
00:06:27,001 --> 00:06:30,165
It's a thanks-for-being-
such-a-sweetie watermelon.
138
00:06:30,234 --> 00:06:31,665
So you'll hang onto that?
139
00:06:31,734 --> 00:06:32,766
Yeah, sure.
140
00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:34,065
(EXCLAIMS)
141
00:06:34,134 --> 00:06:36,065
This is weird.
Am I supposed to eat this?
142
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:37,331
(SCREAMS)
143
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,665
I hate you! I hate you!
144
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,498
Oh, maid.
145
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,232
Oh, my God!
146
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:46,866
Everybody,
this is Joan.
147
00:06:46,934 --> 00:06:48,332
Hi.
Hello.
148
00:06:56,634 --> 00:06:58,299
(SPEAKING ELVISH)
149
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,066
(SPEAKING ELVISH)
150
00:07:10,233 --> 00:07:11,432
(STAMMERING)
Hey, there.
151
00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:13,698
I mean, it's nice to
pleasure your acquaintance.
152
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:17,032
I mean, would you like
to go out to dinner
tomorrow night?
153
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,332
I'd love to.
154
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,665
God, he works fast.
155
00:07:19,734 --> 00:07:22,598
Hey, Quagmire,
is that a banana
in your pocket
156
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:24,766
or a erection
in your pocket?
157
00:07:24,834 --> 00:07:26,665
Do you want to say 9:00?
158
00:07:26,734 --> 00:07:28,532
Sure. See you then.
159
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:34,665
Oh, my God! I'm in love.
160
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:06,932
Time for dinner, sweetie.
161
00:08:07,001 --> 00:08:08,632
Very well, then.
Take off your shirt.
162
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:12,598
No, honey. No, no.
Tonight we're gonna
have formula instead.
163
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:16,066
(EXCLAIMS)
That's more disgusting
164
00:08:16,134 --> 00:08:18,831
than when Peter went through
that Daisy Dukes phase.
165
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:21,499
So who's up
for some hoops
at the park, huh?
166
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:24,799
Oh, there you are.
Come here, you basketball.
167
00:08:26,034 --> 00:08:27,199
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
168
00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:28,965
It's like
a walrus flossing.
169
00:08:29,034 --> 00:08:31,066
I know it's different
than you're used to.
170
00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,098
But you'll see
it's just as good.
171
00:08:33,166 --> 00:08:34,798
Yes. That's what
we were promised
172
00:08:34,867 --> 00:08:38,165
about Jim Belushi
some 25 laugh-free
years ago.
173
00:08:41,201 --> 00:08:43,799
Wow, it's so
lovely here, Glenn.
174
00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:46,065
Well, this is our
three-week anniversary, Joan.
175
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,565
I wanted this date
to be special.
176
00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:50,032
You know,
this place is unique
because if you're lucky,
177
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:53,365
some nights around sunset,
the screaming black dolphins
come out.
178
00:08:53,434 --> 00:08:57,232
Oh, wow! Really?
I've heard they're
just beautiful.
179
00:08:57,301 --> 00:08:58,932
(IN AFRO-AMERICAN ACCENT)
What's going on, man?
180
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,498
Oh, what's going on
yourself?
181
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:01,665
(DOLPHINS LAUGHING)
182
00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:04,099
I almost drowned
yesterday.
Oh, man!
183
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,532
It's wet
out here.
184
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,165
Oh, look at them.
185
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:08,799
They're magical,
aren't they?
186
00:09:08,868 --> 00:09:12,132
Listen, Joan. I have
something very important
to ask you.
187
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,398
DOLPHIN 1: Hey, James.
DOLPHIN 2: Mmm-hmm.
188
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,732
I'm gonna see how long
I can hold my breath.
189
00:09:15,801 --> 00:09:17,332
I see you breathing
out your hole.
190
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:18,799
What is it, Glenn?
191
00:09:18,867 --> 00:09:21,532
Joan, I've decided
I want to spend
my life with you.
192
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,299
Will you marry me?
193
00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:25,832
Of course I will.
194
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:30,799
Nothing would make me
happier than
to be Mrs. Quagmire.
195
00:09:30,867 --> 00:09:34,532
DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man.
I see you got some
seaweed on your tail.
196
00:09:34,601 --> 00:09:36,032
DOLPHIN 2: Where?
What? Oh!
197
00:09:36,101 --> 00:09:37,465
You know I'm just
playing with you.
198
00:09:37,534 --> 00:09:38,898
Man, you are...
199
00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:41,165
Oh, I thought
you was talking
about other seaweed.
200
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,032
You know I got jokes.
201
00:09:43,101 --> 00:09:44,132
(DOLPHINS LAUGHING)
202
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,999
I'm gonna slap you
with my fin.
203
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:54,966
Man, I never
would have thought
Quagmire would get married.
204
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:56,832
No, no.
I know Quagmire.
205
00:09:56,901 --> 00:09:59,298
And I'm telling you,
this has got to be
some kind of prank.
206
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:01,832
You know, like that prank
I pulled on Ashton Kutcher.
207
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:03,598
Ashton, come here.
208
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:05,598
(LAUGHING)
209
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:07,498
You've just been
tomahawked.
210
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:09,631
That's my show.
Tomahawked.
211
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,065
So, how's the weaning going?
212
00:10:15,134 --> 00:10:16,698
Oh, it's horrible.
213
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:19,265
Giving up breast milk
is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.
214
00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:22,765
I'll bet the founding fathers
had an easier time
writing the Bill of Rights.
215
00:10:22,834 --> 00:10:24,398
All right, we're done.
216
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,498
You think the language
in the Second Amendment
is clear enough?
217
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:28,898
You know, about
the right to bear arms?
Of course it's clear.
218
00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:32,065
Every American has the right
to hang a pair of bear arms
on their wall.
219
00:10:32,134 --> 00:10:33,865
How could that possibly
be misconstrued?
220
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,699
All right.
Fantastic then.
221
00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:38,098
Wait. You know what?
Before we send this
to the printer,
222
00:10:38,166 --> 00:10:39,699
let's take that
abortion thing out.
223
00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:45,698
Boy, I never thought
we'd be going to Quagmire's
for an engagement party.
224
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:49,165
I'm telling you guys,
he's putting us on.
He's the same old Quagmire.
225
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,632
Hey there, neighbors.
Are you lost?
226
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,898
I'm just joshing.
Of course we're expecting you.
Come on in, friends.
227
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,132
Uh-uh, if you all will just
take your shoes off there.
228
00:11:01,201 --> 00:11:04,066
Joan and I kind of
do the Japanese thing.
229
00:11:05,101 --> 00:11:07,298
Uh-oh, foot odor.
230
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,732
I have to go.
231
00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:13,165
I have, uh,
terrible foot odor.
232
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:15,465
Glenn, your place
looks wonderful.
233
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:17,732
I feel like I can touch
things in here now.
234
00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:19,832
We brought you guys
a bottle of wine.
235
00:11:19,901 --> 00:11:21,999
BOTH: Oh, Montrachet!
236
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:24,698
I like our friends.
237
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:27,632
So, Joan and I just love
Without a Trace,
don't we, honey?
238
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:29,364
Yeah, it's all right.
We think it's all right.
239
00:11:29,433 --> 00:11:31,465
What are you talking about?
You hate CBS.
240
00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:34,099
Ooh. "Hate" is a word
we don't use in this house.
241
00:11:34,168 --> 00:11:37,398
Joan and I always say,
"If you don't have anything
nice to say about someone,
242
00:11:37,466 --> 00:11:39,731
"don't say anything at all."
We say that, right, honey?
243
00:11:39,801 --> 00:11:41,365
Sometimes.
Sometimes we say that.
244
00:11:43,034 --> 00:11:46,032
Hey, Quagmire. Check out
this month's Hustler, huh.
245
00:11:46,101 --> 00:11:48,165
Quagmire?
Now, this is neat.
246
00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:51,165
These people have put
an old-fashioned
Colonial spinning wheel
247
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:54,765
in the center
of their living room,
as furniture.
248
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:57,531
Oh, that's what I want
in my house.
249
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,298
♪♪(MUSIC PLAYING)
250
00:12:00,734 --> 00:12:03,298
All right, Quagmire.
Time for your lap dance.
251
00:12:03,366 --> 00:12:05,966
No, guys. I can't do that.
It's degrading to women.
252
00:12:06,034 --> 00:12:07,998
Come on, Quagmire.
It's got to be you.
253
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:09,765
I'm married,
Cleveland's got foot odor,
254
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:11,899
and Joe's dead
from the waist down.
255
00:12:11,967 --> 00:12:13,932
(SCREAMING)
256
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:15,865
Why do you bring me here?
257
00:12:18,034 --> 00:12:20,631
Oh, Brian, my breasts
are so sore.
258
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:22,899
And they've gotten
so engorged
from the weaning,
259
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:24,966
I've gone up
two bra sizes.
260
00:12:25,034 --> 00:12:27,464
What--What did you do
with the old bras?
261
00:12:27,533 --> 00:12:29,966
Okay. Got to time this
just right.
262
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,431
One, two, three!
263
00:12:36,101 --> 00:12:37,132
(EXCLAIMING)
264
00:12:37,201 --> 00:12:39,465
Help! Somebody
get this baby off me!
265
00:12:39,534 --> 00:12:41,865
Stewie! I'm so sorry.
266
00:12:41,934 --> 00:12:44,598
By the way, you call those
cheap implants boobs?
267
00:12:44,667 --> 00:12:46,999
Those aren't boobs.
They are lies!
268
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:50,299
I can't believe it.
269
00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:53,099
Quagmire's gone all
sissy-man Alan Alda on us!
270
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:56,131
Well, what can we do about it?
The wedding's tomorrow.
271
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,399
There's only one thing to do.
We got to break it up.
272
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:04,999
Gosh, Peter,
thanks so much
for being my best man.
273
00:13:05,068 --> 00:13:08,699
Oh, it's my pleasure.
In fact, I got
a wedding surprise for you.
274
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:10,765
All right, back it up, guys.
275
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:14,732
I know you got a foot fetish
so I got you this
Statue of Liberty's foot.
276
00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:17,999
Oh, thanks, Peter.
But Joan is all the foot
I need now.
277
00:13:18,068 --> 00:13:21,231
What? But, Quagmire,
that's the real foot
from the Statue...
278
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,799
No, no. I'm okay.
279
00:13:22,867 --> 00:13:25,965
Hey, do you have any idea
what I went through
to get this?
280
00:13:26,034 --> 00:13:27,765
A lot. A real lot.
281
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,732
You think this is just,
"Oh, here comes Peter
282
00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:32,264
"with the Statue of Liberty's
foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?"
283
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:36,865
No. No. The reality,
the real reality of getting
this together was staggering.
284
00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:41,065
You know,
this cost me $437,000.
285
00:13:41,134 --> 00:13:42,665
Don't ask me how I got it.
286
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:45,865
I had to call in a whole bunch
of favors from people
I've never even met.
287
00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:49,099
So the very least you can do
is just rub up against...
I don't know.
288
00:13:49,168 --> 00:13:51,032
Well, if you want
I can...
289
00:13:51,101 --> 00:13:53,565
No, no. No, no, it's fine.
No. Whatever. Whatever.
Just go to your wedding, man.
290
00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:54,831
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
291
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:57,132
No. No. No. No. Take...
Just get it out of here.
292
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,331
Peter, what's the matter?
This is a happy occasion.
293
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,032
No, it's not, Lois.
It's horrible.
294
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:08,565
You don't know
what happens to a man
when he gets married.
295
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:11,465
It's like a disease
that rots you
from the inside out.
296
00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:13,931
I know, Peter, but...
Oh, damn it.
297
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,966
I can't believe
how much my breasts
have swollen.
298
00:14:23,068 --> 00:14:25,399
Oh, look out. Champagne.
299
00:14:25,467 --> 00:14:26,865
Peter, stop.
300
00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:29,099
(EXCLAIMING)
301
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:32,333
Oh, Lois, you're all wet.
Here, let me jiggle you dry.
302
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,398
(EXCLAIMING)
303
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:39,198
Giggity giggity God!
I've made a terrible mistake!
304
00:14:44,101 --> 00:14:47,498
Oh, my God, you blew it up.
305
00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:49,865
You really did it.
306
00:14:49,934 --> 00:14:52,631
Damn you all to hell!
307
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,399
Oh, God. I got to get
out of this marriage.
308
00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:04,098
Cleveland, how did you
get out of yours?
309
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:05,698
You slept with my wife.
310
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:08,731
It's easy, Quagmire.
Just tell her
to hit the bricks.
311
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,765
Yeah. You've gotten
out of commitments before.
312
00:15:10,834 --> 00:15:12,731
Wow, that was great.
313
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:14,266
Sure was. See you.
314
00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:16,232
But you said we were
gonna get married.
315
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:19,866
No. I only said that
so you'd googooity
my geshmoigen.
316
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,598
So, anyway, what I'm
trying to tell you is,
317
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:31,398
some of the guys thought
we should get a divorce.
318
00:15:31,467 --> 00:15:33,231
What?
319
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:36,198
(STAMMERING) But I told them
they didn't know
what they were talking about.
320
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:40,266
Good. Good.
'Cause if you ever left me,
I'd have to cut myself.
321
00:15:40,334 --> 00:15:42,832
And then I'd cut you.
322
00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:45,198
I love you, Glenn.
323
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:48,266
I love you, too,
insane-woman-I'm-having-
second-thoughts-about.
324
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:49,665
What?
All right.
325
00:15:56,533 --> 00:15:58,333
Yes. Sleep away, woman.
326
00:15:58,401 --> 00:16:01,333
But I'm here to claim
what's rightfully mine.
327
00:16:01,401 --> 00:16:03,065
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
328
00:16:03,134 --> 00:16:05,532
Oh, that's the stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
329
00:16:06,401 --> 00:16:08,565
(SCREAMS)
330
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,732
Dear God! I've got to
get a hold of myself.
331
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:13,965
Look at me
sucking pilfered milk
off a dirty carpet.
332
00:16:14,034 --> 00:16:17,365
I'm as pathetic
as the fat man
when he tries to read.
333
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:19,698
Hey, Lois,
what's this word?
"Evel."
334
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:21,065
And this one?
"Kneivel."
335
00:16:21,134 --> 00:16:22,198
And this one?
"Was."
336
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:23,398
And this one?
"Born."
337
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:24,532
And this one?
"In."
338
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,965
And this one?
"Montana."
339
00:16:27,034 --> 00:16:30,399
Hey, Lois. Did you know
that Evel Kneivel
was born in Montana?
340
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:35,265
You didn't tell her?
341
00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:37,098
Look, I told you
she was gonna
kill herself.
342
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:38,331
What was I
supposed to do?
343
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,599
Let her. No,
that's not funny.
344
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:42,798
Wait a second.
345
00:16:42,867 --> 00:16:44,898
We know she's gonna be upset
if you dump her.
346
00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:47,232
But if something happened that
was out of your control...
347
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,432
What do you mean?
I mean we're gonna
fake your death.
348
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,866
This is the best idea
I've had since I invented
that soda.
349
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:56,732
Gentlemen, I give you
Crystal Pepsi.
350
00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:00,499
All the great taste
of regular Pepsi but without
the troublesome opacity.
351
00:17:00,567 --> 00:17:02,532
Well, what if you're drinking
a regular Pepsi
352
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,432
and somebody is coming at you
with a knife, huh?
353
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,399
You won't be able to see him
past your Pepsi.
354
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:08,899
And--And then,
who's dead, huh? You.
355
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:10,799
You! You're dead! Stabbed!
356
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:12,199
Crystal Pepsi.
357
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:17,665
All right, fellas.
I think we did it.
358
00:17:17,733 --> 00:17:20,998
This may be
the most absolutely
perfect fake death
359
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,298
in the history
of fake deaths.
360
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:25,832
What do you
guys want?
361
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,465
Joan, um, you mind
if we come in?
362
00:17:28,534 --> 00:17:31,766
There's, um...
There's been an accident.
363
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:34,299
This is, uh,
not gonna be easy,
364
00:17:34,367 --> 00:17:36,799
but it's something
you should see.
365
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:40,832
PETER:
So, anyway, here's Quagmire
walking through the park,
366
00:17:40,901 --> 00:17:42,266
minding his own business.
367
00:17:42,335 --> 00:17:44,899
I just happened to be there
with my video camera
368
00:17:44,968 --> 00:17:46,866
when a ninja shows up!
369
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,832
And then a Nazi came!
370
00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:54,032
And then an evil
pots-and-pans robot!
371
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,565
(IN MECHANICAL VOICE)
Destroy.
372
00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:57,465
Destroy.
373
00:17:57,534 --> 00:18:00,333
I imagine
you're probably wondering
what happened to the body.
374
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,132
Well, we thought of that.
375
00:18:02,201 --> 00:18:04,832
PETER: Oh, no!
Quagmire's dead!
376
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:08,132
Wait! We might still
be able to save... Oh, no!
377
00:18:08,201 --> 00:18:11,132
(IMITATING FANFARE)
378
00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:22,865
We are so, so sorry
for your loss.
379
00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:24,266
Is this a joke?
380
00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:27,232
I wish it were, Joan.
I wish it were a joke.
381
00:18:27,301 --> 00:18:29,498
But these things happen,
you know?
382
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,398
You go for a walk
in the park one day,
383
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:35,066
and wheelchair ninjas,
and Nazis, and pots-and-pans
robots show up to kill you,
384
00:18:35,135 --> 00:18:37,665
and dinosaurs show up
to eat the remains.
You've seen the news.
385
00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:39,298
You're not
fooling anyone.
386
00:18:39,366 --> 00:18:41,098
All right, fellows.
Plan B.
387
00:18:41,167 --> 00:18:42,298
Plan B, Quagmire.
388
00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:44,032
Hi, honey. I'm home.
389
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:45,698
(SCREAMING)
Heart attack!
390
00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:50,931
Glenn, sweetheart!
Is he all right?
391
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,498
No, he's dead.
I can tell. I'm a cop.
392
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,765
Oh, my God!
Are you sure?
393
00:18:55,833 --> 00:18:59,931
You know what'll prove it?
When people die,
they void their bowels.
394
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,832
I said, when people die,
they void their bowels.
395
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,499
PETER: Oh, my God!
396
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:08,799
What a jackass.
397
00:19:12,334 --> 00:19:14,599
Well, you look
a lot better.
I did it, Brian!
398
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:16,099
Through sheer
force of will,
399
00:19:16,167 --> 00:19:17,866
I kicked my addiction
to breast milk.
400
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:20,699
I just had to find a way
to make breasts
seem repulsive.
401
00:19:20,768 --> 00:19:23,432
Yeah.
How did you do that?
I watched In The Cut.
402
00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:26,932
Meg Ryan topless.
No, thanks. No, thanks.
403
00:19:27,001 --> 00:19:30,165
Stewie, Mommy
has a surprise for you.
404
00:19:30,234 --> 00:19:31,432
What are you doing?
405
00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:33,532
Oh, Brian, I thought
I was ready to wean him.
406
00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:35,765
But I just miss
the bonding.
407
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:39,365
No, no! No, put me down!
I beg of you!
408
00:19:39,433 --> 00:19:41,866
I just kicked the stuff.
Damn you!
409
00:19:42,533 --> 00:19:44,365
You sick, twisted...
410
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,932
I hate you.
411
00:19:46,001 --> 00:19:47,766
I love it.
412
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:49,465
I will kill you.
413
00:19:56,034 --> 00:19:58,265
You sure Quagmire's okay
in there?
414
00:19:58,334 --> 00:20:00,598
No problem.
He's got half an hour
of oxygen.
415
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:04,765
We'll sneak back later
and dig him up.
416
00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:08,198
Sorry, I'm late.
I had a meeting
over at NBC about Joey.
417
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:11,164
Death? What are you
doing here?
Nobody's dying today.
418
00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:12,899
Not according to my paperwork.
419
00:20:12,967 --> 00:20:15,499
Says here your buddy Quagmire
died of a heart attack.
420
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:18,898
I got to tell you,
I always thought
it would be rectal trauma.
421
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,433
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell
are you doing?
422
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,266
Well, Mayor West
is afraid of zombies.
423
00:20:25,334 --> 00:20:28,498
So the city says
all caskets must be
encased in concrete.
424
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:31,465
You'll thank me
when no one
eats our brains.
425
00:20:31,533 --> 00:20:32,832
You'll thank me.
426
00:20:32,901 --> 00:20:36,298
Hold it! Stop the funeral.
Quagmire's not really dead.
427
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:39,798
Zombie!
428
00:20:43,233 --> 00:20:45,732
Glenn, I thought
I'd lost you.
429
00:20:45,801 --> 00:20:49,499
Sorry, Mr. Quagmire,
but I still need a body
to take back with me.
430
00:20:49,567 --> 00:20:52,298
So...
No, you can't take him.
431
00:20:56,334 --> 00:20:59,899
You know,
this is probably not cool.
Just throwing it out there.
432
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:02,532
She was suicidal.
She was?
433
00:21:02,601 --> 00:21:04,599
Yeah, absolutely.
I had heard that,
too.
434
00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:06,265
And her last name
was Quagmire.
435
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:07,499
Well, good enough
for me.
436
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:10,066
I got to go.
I got tickets to Celine Dion.
437
00:21:10,134 --> 00:21:13,598
I'm not gonna kill her,
I'm just gonna watch her die
on her own.
438
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:16,265
Anyone? Anyone?
439
00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:18,498
Ah, it's good
to have you back,
Quagmire.
440
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:20,965
It's good to
be back, Peter.
441
00:21:21,034 --> 00:21:24,465
Hey, Death, can you leave
that body here
for another five minutes?
442
00:21:26,101 --> 00:21:27,498
That's Quagmire.