1
00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,766
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,998
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,965
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:38,099
Chris, did you get
your homework done?
Yup.
11
00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:40,099
Chris, I know
when you're lying to me.
12
00:00:40,168 --> 00:00:42,332
Just like Santa Claus knows
when you're sleeping.
13
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,399
(CLATTERING)
14
00:00:43,467 --> 00:00:44,631
(GASPING) What was that?
15
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:46,098
Hey, what the hell?
16
00:00:46,166 --> 00:00:47,398
Uh, hey.
17
00:00:48,601 --> 00:00:50,431
Get out of here!
Okay, okay!
18
00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:52,598
No, Mom. I got it all done.
19
00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:54,131
For my science homework,
20
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,731
I had to make
a shoebox diarrhea
of the evolution of man.
21
00:00:57,801 --> 00:00:59,431
You mean diorama?
22
00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:01,598
Uh-oh.
23
00:01:01,667 --> 00:01:03,565
Hey, Lois,
I got your pregnancy test.
24
00:01:03,634 --> 00:01:04,932
What the hell
you need this for?
25
00:01:05,001 --> 00:01:07,399
I need it
because I think
I might be pregnant.
26
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,966
What? My God,
are you sure it's yours?
27
00:01:10,034 --> 00:01:11,598
Lois pregnant?
28
00:01:11,667 --> 00:01:14,299
I didn't think
the fat man still had that
kind of marksmanship.
29
00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:17,132
But that's what they said
about Lee Harvey Oswald.
30
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,565
Hey, Mr. President!
31
00:01:18,634 --> 00:01:21,465
Mr. President, up here!
I voted for you!
32
00:01:21,534 --> 00:01:22,531
Wait a minute.
33
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,731
That guy on the grassy knoll's
got a gun.
34
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,198
He's gonna
shoot the President.
35
00:01:26,267 --> 00:01:28,332
Holy smokes,
I've got to do something.
36
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,665
All right, Lee.
37
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Time to become
an American hero.
38
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(SIGHS)
39
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,099
Okay, one more minute,
and then if there
are two pink lines...
40
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,564
Oh, God, I hope
you're not pregnant.
41
00:01:42,633 --> 00:01:43,965
We can't afford another kid.
42
00:01:44,034 --> 00:01:45,865
We already got Chris,
Stewie, Richie,
43
00:01:45,934 --> 00:01:48,298
Joanie, Greg, Marcia,
Bobby, Jan,
44
00:01:48,366 --> 00:01:51,898
Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver,
Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
45
00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:53,132
Peter, those aren't
your kids.
46
00:01:53,201 --> 00:01:54,332
That's the
Nick at Nite lineup.
47
00:01:54,401 --> 00:01:57,399
Blanka, Zangief,
Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
48
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:58,465
That's Street Fighter.
49
00:01:58,534 --> 00:01:59,565
Red, blue, green.
50
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:01,032
Those are colors.
51
00:02:01,101 --> 00:02:03,698
God, I can't believe
we weren't more careful.
52
00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:06,698
This probably
happened that night
we tried role-playing.
53
00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:09,032
Oh, I need a spanking.
54
00:02:09,101 --> 00:02:11,499
I'm a bad, bad girl.
55
00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:15,932
I'm a paladin
with 18 charisma
and 97 hit points.
56
00:02:16,001 --> 00:02:19,999
I can use my helm
of disintegration
and do one-D-4 damage
57
00:02:20,068 --> 00:02:24,032
as my half-elf mage wields
his plus-5 holy avenger.
58
00:02:24,101 --> 00:02:26,731
Paladins can't use
the helm of disintegration.
59
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:30,231
Oh. Okay,
then I'm a black guy.
60
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,966
Oh, thank God.
It's negative.
61
00:02:32,034 --> 00:02:35,032
Ooh.
Dodged a bullet there, right?
Although, I got to tell you,
62
00:02:35,101 --> 00:02:36,832
I was kind of getting
used to the idea
63
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:38,598
of having a little
brother or sister.
64
00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:41,032
Peter, we can't risk
these things anymore.
65
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,465
You're absolutely right.
66
00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:44,098
Lois, you're getting
your tubes tied.
67
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:45,832
Why should I
get my tubes tied?
68
00:02:45,901 --> 00:02:47,498
You should
get a vasectomy.
69
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,265
First of all,
I don't know what that is,
70
00:02:49,334 --> 00:02:50,965
and, second of all,
no freaking way.
71
00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:52,432
Peter, it's the
male equivalent
72
00:02:52,501 --> 00:02:53,865
of a woman
getting her tubes tied,
73
00:02:53,934 --> 00:02:56,032
except, it's actually
a lot quicker and safer.
74
00:02:56,101 --> 00:02:57,465
Let these guys explain.
75
00:02:57,534 --> 00:03:03,531
♪ A vasectomy's
a medical procedure ♪
76
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:06,832
♪ One that makes you
half a man ♪
77
00:03:06,901 --> 00:03:10,198
♪ You're half a man ♪
78
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:14,866
♪ Remember when you twisted up
your garden hose? ♪
79
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:18,899
♪ Well, essentially
that is the plan ♪
80
00:03:18,968 --> 00:03:23,399
♪ That is the plan ♪♪
81
00:03:23,468 --> 00:03:26,131
Well, I'm starting
to get the picture,
but how's it done?
82
00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:31,299
♪ You make a small incision
in the scrotal skin ♪
83
00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:33,165
♪ Isolate the vas and ♪
84
00:03:33,234 --> 00:03:35,032
♪ Isolate the vas
and then you ♪
85
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,766
♪ Roll it in position
with a towel clamp ♪
86
00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:40,565
♪ Then you snip
the fibrous tissue ♪
87
00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:41,932
♪ Then you snip
the fibrous tissue ♪
88
00:03:42,001 --> 00:03:46,065
♪ Hey, then you'll never
have to wear a condom ♪
89
00:03:46,134 --> 00:03:50,365
♪ When you do it
with your wife ♪
90
00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:52,565
♪ Or anyone else
you do it with ♪
91
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,531
♪ We promise not to tell ♪
92
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,831
♪ Like that new
hot chick at work ♪
93
00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:59,032
♪ You know, the one who always
has high beams ♪
94
00:03:59,101 --> 00:04:01,498
♪ Under her ribbed,
white, cotton t-shirt ♪
95
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:04,865
♪ But then stares daggers
at you for checking her out ♪
96
00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:08,665
♪ And it', like,
why do you wear that
if you don't want attention? ♪
97
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:12,898
♪ But you know you shouldn't
think that way because of the
sexual-harassment meeting ♪
98
00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:14,532
♪ You all had to go to ♪
99
00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:17,498
♪ Seriously, how lame
was that? ♪
100
00:04:17,567 --> 00:04:20,532
♪ And you couldn't
help but notice that
the female lawyer ♪
101
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,131
♪ Running the seminar
had a huge rack ♪
102
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,465
♪ Like, ridiculously huge
for someone ♪
103
00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:28,198
♪ Who has to talk about
that kind of stuff ♪
104
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:34,932
♪ Well, I guess
that's the definition
of the word, "Irony" ♪
105
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,265
♪ Goodbye
Say goodbye to manhood ♪
106
00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:39,132
♪ Goodbye
Say goodbye to babies ♪
107
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,831
♪ Say goodbye
to kids like Meg ♪
108
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:43,932
♪ Vacuum out your sac ♪♪
109
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:50,366
Lois, I know how to settle
our vasectomy dispute.
110
00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:53,898
A no-rules funny car race
from here to Boston.
111
00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:55,832
Last one to Fenway
gets snipped.
112
00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:57,232
Peter, what the hell?
113
00:04:57,301 --> 00:04:58,598
Where did these things
come from?
114
00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,799
They were Loretta's.
Please take them,
115
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:03,098
they are no longer
funny to me.
116
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:04,432
Go!
117
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:05,565
(TIRES SCREECHING)
118
00:05:05,634 --> 00:05:06,631
(SIGHS)
119
00:05:18,101 --> 00:05:21,065
♪♪(SHANIA TWAIN PLAYING
YOU'RE STILL THE ONE )
120
00:05:25,967 --> 00:05:27,431
(HORN HONKING)
121
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:30,698
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)
122
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:32,732
(TRUCK HONKING)
123
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,832
Almost there.
Eat my dust, Lois.
124
00:05:36,634 --> 00:05:38,299
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
125
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,532
(PETER EXCLAIMING)
126
00:05:50,634 --> 00:05:52,165
(LAUGHING)
127
00:05:52,233 --> 00:05:53,932
(DUCKS QUACKING)
128
00:05:57,667 --> 00:06:00,498
Well, it looks like
I'm a man with no sperm.
129
00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:03,232
But I'll always be a man
with no sperm
130
00:06:03,301 --> 00:06:05,766
who once had a wonderful day.
131
00:06:09,433 --> 00:06:11,532
Well, guys,
my vasectomy is tomorrow.
132
00:06:11,601 --> 00:06:13,099
You poor bastard.
133
00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:16,266
After all, sex is pointless
without potency.
134
00:06:16,333 --> 00:06:19,365
That's right. You take
the venom out of a cobra
and what do you got?
135
00:06:19,434 --> 00:06:21,632
You got a, a belt.
136
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:23,331
It's not that
big a deal.
137
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,099
A bunch of the guys
on the force have had
vasectomies,
138
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,132
and their lives
haven't changed at all.
139
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,565
Would you
ever have one?
140
00:06:29,633 --> 00:06:31,132
Never!
141
00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,532
Well, yeah. But what if
me and Lois do end up
wanting another baby?
142
00:06:35,601 --> 00:06:36,665
It'll be too late.
143
00:06:36,734 --> 00:06:38,265
You could freeze
some of your sperm
144
00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:40,132
at the sperm bank
just in case.
145
00:06:40,201 --> 00:06:41,499
I don't know, Cleveland.
146
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,565
It didn't work out so great
that time I froze my nuts.
147
00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:48,499
No! No! Bad squirrel.
148
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:51,766
(SQUEAKING)
Those are my nuts.
My nuts!
149
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:54,299
You're just
a hungry little fellow,
aren't you?
150
00:06:54,368 --> 00:06:56,132
But those are my nuts!
151
00:06:56,201 --> 00:06:57,965
(SNARLING)
No. Oh, God, no!
152
00:06:58,034 --> 00:06:59,565
My nuts! My nuts!
153
00:07:03,034 --> 00:07:04,798
Hey, Brian.
You want to play tag?
No.
154
00:07:04,867 --> 00:07:05,932
Freeze tag?
No.
155
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,231
TV tag?
No.
156
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,131
If I can get some guys
you want to play Red Rover?
157
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,798
No. Maybe.
You get the guys first.
158
00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:12,532
We'll talk about it.
159
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,965
No! Jungle gym mine!
160
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:18,264
Hey, where'd you get
the Pete Rose haircut?
161
00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:19,398
(GROANING)
162
00:07:19,467 --> 00:07:20,865
(CRYING)
163
00:07:20,934 --> 00:07:24,899
Anyone else want to feel
my Weebok in their grapes?
164
00:07:24,967 --> 00:07:26,998
Then you'll all do as I say.
165
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:29,166
Hi.
Well, hello there.
166
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,065
Yes, that's right, cry.
167
00:07:32,134 --> 00:07:34,765
Cry like Sauron when he lost
his contact lens.
168
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:36,765
Nobody move! Nobody move!
169
00:07:36,834 --> 00:07:38,398
Does--Does anybody see it?
170
00:07:38,467 --> 00:07:40,265
It might be stuck
to a tree or a rock.
171
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:41,531
Anyone?
172
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,532
Oh, I am so grounded.
173
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,665
Hi, there. Peter Griffin.
I've got an appointment
174
00:07:48,733 --> 00:07:51,731
to, uh, banish a White Russian
from my Kremlin.
175
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,865
Well, we don't have
empty rooms right now,
but if you'll have a seat...
176
00:07:54,934 --> 00:07:57,598
Yeah. I kind of
warmed myself up
177
00:07:57,667 --> 00:07:59,265
in the car
if you catch my drift.
178
00:07:59,333 --> 00:08:02,331
I could put you
in the storage freezer.
That'll work.
179
00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,398
Nurse, I've got a splinter.
180
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:08,299
Just come out
whenever you're done.
181
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:13,432
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
182
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,099
(PETER SCREAMS)
183
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,798
PETER: Oh, God! I...
184
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:18,965
I think I feel them moving.
185
00:08:19,034 --> 00:08:21,765
Hi. My partner and I
want to have a baby.
186
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,366
We'd like a vial of sperm
187
00:08:23,435 --> 00:08:26,731
and an applicator
that looks like
Jodie Foster's knuckles.
188
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,765
Certainly. Let me
just go to the freezer.
189
00:08:30,834 --> 00:08:33,565
Mr. Griffin,
y-you were in there
an awfully long time.
190
00:08:33,633 --> 00:08:35,899
Are you all right?
Yup, yup. Fine, fine.
191
00:08:35,967 --> 00:08:37,932
And just so you know,
everything in there
192
00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:39,932
is exactly the way
it was when I went in.
193
00:08:40,001 --> 00:08:43,299
There is absolutely
zero chance that I spilled
all the jars
194
00:08:43,368 --> 00:08:44,865
and had to refill them
with my own sperm.
195
00:08:44,934 --> 00:08:45,965
Zero chance.
196
00:08:46,934 --> 00:08:48,598
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
197
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:50,932
(SCREAMING)
198
00:08:54,235 --> 00:08:55,598
It's a boy!
199
00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,332
Victory shall be mine!
200
00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:12,798
MAN ON TV: We now return
to Tony Danza and
Sylvester Stallone in What?
201
00:09:15,101 --> 00:09:16,899
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
202
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,032
Peter, we have to talk.
203
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,432
We haven't had sex
since your vasectomy.
204
00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,199
Yeah, I just don't
feel like it, Lois,
205
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:34,332
seeing as how I'm
not a real man anymore.
206
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,832
Honey, it was just
a simple operation.
207
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:39,232
It's no reason to
give up on your sex life.
208
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,765
I don't know, Lois.
I'm just not
feeling it anymore.
209
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:44,032
Besides, it gives me time
to try new things,
210
00:09:44,101 --> 00:09:46,498
like that time I tried
wearing adult diapers.
211
00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:47,899
Hey, Lois. Hey, kids.
212
00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:49,565
Oh, boy,
that smells delicious.
213
00:09:49,633 --> 00:09:51,431
You know, I'd love to stay
and eat with you,
214
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,732
but I got to go meet
Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire
down at...
215
00:09:57,168 --> 00:09:58,999
the bar.
So just put my dinner
216
00:09:59,068 --> 00:10:00,865
in the fridge
and I'll heat it up later.
217
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:01,999
Love you.
218
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:06,699
You, go get me an ice cream.
219
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:07,799
You, clear the slide.
220
00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:09,098
I'm going down
in five minutes.
221
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:11,698
You! Did you get me
my Cheez Whiz, boy?
222
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:14,066
You're my boyfriend.
223
00:10:14,134 --> 00:10:15,465
Yes, dear. Of course I am.
224
00:10:15,533 --> 00:10:17,465
Now, where's Lloyd
with our Fun Dip?
225
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,498
Good God! Running an empire
is harder than
finding diversity
226
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,699
in the Abercrombie & Fitch
catalog.
227
00:10:26,768 --> 00:10:29,432
STEWIE: Ooh! Ooh! There he is.
There he is. Right there.
BRIAN: Ah, found him.
228
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,132
That was a tricky one.
229
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,198
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
230
00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:33,565
GIRL:
No kidding. He looks weird.
231
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,166
What the deuce is
all the commotion?
232
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:37,965
All right.
Out of my way. Move aside.
233
00:10:38,034 --> 00:10:40,766
What the hell is so
bloody fascinating?
234
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:42,398
(GASPING) You!
235
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,998
Well, well, well.
236
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,498
If it isn't my
half brother Stewie!
237
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:49,799
Bertram! I haven't
seen you since our
microscopic encounter.
238
00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:51,966
How the deuce
did you get out of
Peter's testicles?
239
00:10:52,034 --> 00:10:53,665
He donated sperm.
Gross.
240
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:55,331
Well, I don't mean
to be a discourteous host,
241
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:56,966
but this is my playground.
242
00:10:57,034 --> 00:10:58,331
I rule this territory.
243
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,866
My, my! What an amusingly
misguided view.
244
00:11:00,934 --> 00:11:05,198
Very well, then. You leave me
no choice but to declare war!
245
00:11:05,266 --> 00:11:09,465
So be it. I'll do to you
what B.C. does to
comedy on a daily basis.
246
00:11:09,533 --> 00:11:11,565
CAVEMAN 1:
Hey, why is Juan so happy?
247
00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:14,066
CAVEMAN 2:
I think he finally
figured himself out.
248
00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:17,199
CAVEMAN 1:
Huh, I guess it takes Juan
to know Juan.
249
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:18,731
(LAUGHING)
250
00:11:22,068 --> 00:11:24,098
Hey, boys. You having
a midnight snack?
251
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:25,565
Hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
252
00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:27,765
I'm just gonna
grab something, too,
and go back to bed
253
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,831
alone again.
254
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,066
Night.
255
00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:33,865
You know, Lois
has gotten kind of fat
256
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:35,599
since you guys
stopped having sex.
257
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:39,431
It might be
time to, you know,
have some sex.
258
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,032
You know, at first
I didn't want to do it
'cause of the vasectomy.
259
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,465
But now it's just...
I mean, look at her.
260
00:11:44,533 --> 00:11:46,431
She's got elbow cleavage.
261
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:49,465
You know, that little wrinkle
that fat people
get on their elbows
262
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:50,765
that looks like a schwa?
263
00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:52,765
I mean, you wouldn't have
sex with her, would you?
264
00:11:52,834 --> 00:11:54,231
Oh, yeah, I would.
Really?
265
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:56,264
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I would do everything to her.
266
00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:57,699
I don't care
what she looks like.
267
00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:59,198
I would wreck that chick.
268
00:11:59,266 --> 00:12:00,698
Well, you are a trouper.
269
00:12:03,734 --> 00:12:05,432
Sorry. Fat wife
coming through.
270
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,966
Sorry. Sorry.
Excuse me. Fat wife.
271
00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:09,398
Oh, hold on a sec.
272
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,766
All right, bring her through.
273
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:14,999
Peter, stop it.
274
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,299
For God's sake,
you're embarrassing me.
275
00:12:17,367 --> 00:12:18,632
Not as embarrassed
as I was
276
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,999
when I got that job
entertaining prison inmates.
277
00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:22,366
Do it again, Griffin.
278
00:12:22,435 --> 00:12:24,266
Come on. I just did it,
like, five times.
279
00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:25,698
Do it!
280
00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:28,099
♪ My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
281
00:12:28,168 --> 00:12:30,299
♪ And they're like
It's better than yours ♪
282
00:12:30,368 --> 00:12:32,199
♪ Damn right
it's better than yours ♪
283
00:12:32,268 --> 00:12:35,866
♪ I can teach you
But I have to charge ♪♪
284
00:12:35,934 --> 00:12:37,565
Look, honey,
with all due respect,
285
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,199
you've gained
some weight recently.
286
00:12:39,267 --> 00:12:40,765
It's 5 pounds
at the most.
287
00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:42,631
It's not a big deal.
288
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:45,598
It's a slippery slope, Lois.
You start with 5 pounds
and then one day, boom!
289
00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:48,832
You wake up and
you're on The Practice
with 16 rings in your ear.
290
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:51,132
You're one to talk.
Look how fat you are.
291
00:12:51,201 --> 00:12:52,531
Lois, men aren't fat.
292
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,331
Only fat women are fat.
293
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,532
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go warn the chef
that you've arrived.
294
00:12:59,335 --> 00:13:01,698
He wants fat?
I'll show him fat.
295
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,366
The only reason
I'm eating anyway
is because of him.
296
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:06,098
He won't touch me.
297
00:13:08,034 --> 00:13:09,399
Do you think I'm fat?
298
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:10,765
Only if you think
I'm a serial killer.
299
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:11,866
What?
Nothing.
300
00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:14,498
Attention, all hands.
301
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:16,365
We're going to launch
a massive air strike
302
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:17,831
against Bertram
and his army.
303
00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:19,599
Behold the armada.
304
00:13:23,201 --> 00:13:24,532
It's quite simple, actually.
305
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,365
You press the smiling duck
to take off,
306
00:13:26,433 --> 00:13:28,798
the cow with the bow
tie to fire weapons,
307
00:13:28,868 --> 00:13:31,865
and the clown face
is just a clown face.
Enjoy it.
308
00:13:31,934 --> 00:13:34,232
Now, battle stations,
everyone!
309
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:38,732
At my signal, unleash hell!
310
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:54,832
What took you so long?
311
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,798
What took you so ugly?
312
00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:45,498
Well, now what?
313
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:46,932
You want to
play 20 questions?
Sure.
314
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,432
Uh, is it a man?
Yes.
315
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:49,565
Is he famous?
Yes.
316
00:14:49,634 --> 00:14:50,699
Is he under 40?
No.
317
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:51,832
Over 40?
Yes.
318
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:52,932
On television?
Yes.
319
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,065
On television now?
No.
320
00:14:54,134 --> 00:14:55,432
In the past 20 years?
Yes.
321
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,965
Is it Richard Mulligan?
Yes!
322
00:14:58,034 --> 00:15:00,832
Up until now,
we've been fighting
Bertram on his terms.
323
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,399
Whoa, easy.
Easy, girl. Easy, easy, easy.
324
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,932
But I propose an invasion.
325
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,065
We've got to
fight him over there
by the swing set
326
00:15:07,134 --> 00:15:09,265
so we don't have to
fight him here
at the sandbox.
327
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:10,333
Stewie?
328
00:15:10,401 --> 00:15:11,431
What's this?
329
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,365
A letter of surrender.
We did it.
330
00:15:15,434 --> 00:15:17,198
Whew! It's a good thing,
too, because
331
00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:18,965
I really didn't
have an exit strategy.
332
00:15:19,034 --> 00:15:20,398
Yay, Stewie!
333
00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:22,365
Oh, thank you, darling. I...
334
00:15:22,434 --> 00:15:23,732
What is this? Makeup?
335
00:15:23,801 --> 00:15:25,298
Why are you wearing makeup?
336
00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:27,498
(GASPING) Chicken pox!
337
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:34,732
Damn you, Bertram.
I thought we called
no biological warfare.
338
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,499
You swore on the seesaw.
339
00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:37,899
(LAUGHING)
340
00:15:41,133 --> 00:15:42,832
Stewie, there you are.
341
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,798
Oh, my God. Your face.
342
00:15:44,867 --> 00:15:47,066
Oh, sweetie.
You got the chicken pox.
343
00:15:47,134 --> 00:15:48,799
Come on, we got to
get you out of here.
344
00:15:48,868 --> 00:15:51,531
No. No, damn you,
I've got to finish
what I've started!
345
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,965
No... My God,
you've put on weight.
346
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:56,665
You're like one of those
Memory Foam mattresses.
347
00:15:56,734 --> 00:15:58,598
Look, there's my face.
348
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:05,732
Here you go, sweetie.
349
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,532
A couple of more oatmeal baths
and you'll be all better.
350
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,298
Well, no need to clean up
when I'm done.
351
00:16:10,366 --> 00:16:12,431
You'll probably just
slice a couple
of bananas in here
352
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,599
and chow down, huh, porky?
353
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:16,565
So what happened
with that kid
on the playground?
354
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:17,765
He won this round, Brian.
355
00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:19,398
But I'm going back tomorrow.
356
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:21,732
And when I've
carried out my plan,
he won't know what hit him,
357
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,665
like that baseball team
that Peter coached.
358
00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,331
Well, kids,
just when I thought
359
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,065
we'd never find
an assistant coach,
360
00:16:27,134 --> 00:16:28,565
I ran into this drifter
hanging out
361
00:16:28,634 --> 00:16:30,431
near the elementary
school playground.
362
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:31,998
He's got a clown costume
in his trunk,
363
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:33,532
so we know
he's good with kids,
364
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,765
and pictures of boys
in their underwear, so
365
00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:37,498
he's probably had
some medical training.
366
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:39,498
Well, I'm gonna take off
while he fits you
367
00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:41,431
for cups in that
windowless supply shed.
368
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,732
See you.
369
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:47,699
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
This Friday on TNT,
the world premiere
370
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:50,065
of Morgan Freeman
in The Narrator.
371
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,332
MORGAN FREEMAN:
Ever since I was
a little boy,
372
00:16:52,401 --> 00:16:54,932
people have enjoyed
the sound of my voice.
373
00:16:55,001 --> 00:16:57,732
And I figured
you either get busy talking
374
00:16:57,801 --> 00:16:59,699
or you get busy dying.
375
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:01,732
The work is
really quite easy.
376
00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:04,831
Why, even right now,
I'm just sitting in a chair
377
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,731
sipping some tea
and reading from a script.
378
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,731
The wall is covered
with something that
resembles egg crates,
379
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,532
except they're
soft and spongy
like a Twinkie.
380
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,165
Like a Twinkie.
381
00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:20,432
Oh, hey, Hogzilla.
You happen to see
my hot wife Lois around?
382
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:21,932
No, I haven't.
383
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,532
Maybe she's out
looking for a man
who can satisfy her.
384
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,931
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do me a favor.
385
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,998
When you go to sleep,
aim your butt the other way.
386
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:30,565
Last night, for God's sake,
you farted.
387
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:31,731
I felt like somebody
was sticking me
388
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,665
with a cigarette lighter
from the car.
389
00:17:33,733 --> 00:17:36,032
You're fat.
Shut up and go to sleep!
390
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,465
(BOTH GRUNTING)
391
00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:39,399
Lois, you weigh a ton!
Get off me!
392
00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:41,332
I'm trying, I...
Try harder!
393
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,498
Peter, if you just
stop for one second...
Lois, that hurts. Quit it.
394
00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:47,132
(BOTH MOANING)
395
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:50,899
Peter, are we having sex?
396
00:17:50,967 --> 00:17:54,132
Let's check.
Just lift up that
fold right there.
397
00:17:54,201 --> 00:17:55,298
Uh, yup.
398
00:17:59,001 --> 00:18:01,165
Lois, last night
was amazing.
399
00:18:01,234 --> 00:18:02,665
It was, wasn't it?
400
00:18:02,734 --> 00:18:05,598
Fat sex
is the hottest sex
we've ever had.
401
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:08,331
There were so many boobs,
I didn't know whose boobs
I was grabbing,
402
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,832
your boobs or my boobs.
403
00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:11,665
I know. It was amazing.
404
00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:15,166
Much better than
that night you pretended
your penis was Danny Aiello.
405
00:18:15,234 --> 00:18:19,264
Oh, that is so interesting,
Danny Aiello.
406
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:21,865
You've got the best
Spike Lee stories.
407
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,331
What's that?
You want to meet my wife?
408
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,698
Peter, stop it.
409
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:26,999
Lois, just say hello.
410
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,665
You're embarrassing me
in front of Danny Aiello.
411
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,599
Now, come here,
my fat concubine.
412
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,665
Hey, I'm not even hungry.
413
00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:36,832
I want you bigger.
I want you fatter.
414
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,298
It will please me.
415
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:43,865
With Stewart
out of the picture,
416
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:47,431
this whole playground
is under my control.
417
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:54,599
(GRUNTS)
418
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:57,265
(GRUNTS)
419
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,665
I sense something.
420
00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:07,398
A presence
I've not felt since...
421
00:19:07,467 --> 00:19:08,932
(GRUNTS)
422
00:19:09,001 --> 00:19:10,531
Stewie, you're alive.
423
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,198
Yes, Bertram, I'm alive.
424
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:15,232
And I think you'll find
all your guards
quite incapacitated.
425
00:19:15,301 --> 00:19:19,233
You have an annoying habit
of turning up
where you're not welcome.
426
00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:21,331
Well, when I'm done with you,
you're going to hate me more
427
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,465
than the other
vowels hate "Y."
428
00:19:23,533 --> 00:19:25,799
If you'll turn to Page 34
of your blue books,
429
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:27,698
you'll see our projections
for next quarter,
430
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,765
which I can tell are...
Okay, okay.
Yeah, all right.
431
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:31,731
You know what?
I'm in a meeting.
I'll call you back.
432
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,631
Well, well, well.
Look who decided to show up.
433
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:37,199
So, what are we
talking about here?
Well, before you...
434
00:19:37,268 --> 00:19:40,299
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, I'm sorry.
F, what's up?
435
00:19:40,368 --> 00:19:41,765
No, no. I can talk.
436
00:19:41,834 --> 00:19:42,931
En garde!
437
00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:41,298
Any last words?
438
00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:44,999
You wouldn't kill me,
would you?
439
00:20:45,068 --> 00:20:47,665
Thanks for helping me
dig this hole,
Mr. Montesante.
440
00:20:47,733 --> 00:20:49,399
Hey, no problem, Stewie.
441
00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:52,499
This can be a pain in the ass
when you got to do it
all by yourself.
442
00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:55,999
You're telling me.
All right. Go ahead
and drop it in.
443
00:20:56,067 --> 00:20:58,865
Oh, boy.
That's gonna be beautiful
when it reaches adulthood.
444
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:00,532
Yeah. I love plants.
445
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,799
So what
happened with that kid
you were telling me about?
446
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:04,431
He admitted defeat
and ran off.
447
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:05,699
What a mook!
448
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,032
Oh, Peter,
I love you so much.
449
00:21:12,101 --> 00:21:14,433
PETER: Oh, Lois. I have
no idea if we're doing it
450
00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:16,032
or if that's just
the back of your knee,
451
00:21:16,101 --> 00:21:18,498
but either way,
it feels so good.
452
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:21,731
LOIS: Oh, Peter,
you're on my arm.
It hurts.
453
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,798
Oh! My chest hurts, too.
454
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:25,266
Oh, my God.
455
00:21:25,335 --> 00:21:27,898
Peter, I think
I'm having a heart attack.
456
00:21:27,968 --> 00:21:29,631
Oh, me, too, sweetie.
Me, too.
457
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,999
No, no, Peter, I'm really
having a heart attack.
458
00:21:32,068 --> 00:21:33,598
Oh--Oh, my God!
You're serious?
459
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:34,798
Oh, we should get you
to the hospital.
460
00:21:34,867 --> 00:21:36,166
All right,
hold-hold on a sec.
461
00:21:36,234 --> 00:21:38,333
I... All right, almost done.
Almost done.
Peter!
462
00:21:38,401 --> 00:21:40,965
Almost done. Almost done.
Almost done. Okay, let's go.
463
00:21:42,867 --> 00:21:45,166
Well, it was a tough job
removing all that fat
464
00:21:45,235 --> 00:21:46,598
to get to your heart,
Mrs. Griffin.
465
00:21:46,667 --> 00:21:48,232
But you came
through it beautifully.
466
00:21:48,301 --> 00:21:51,165
Honey, I'm sorry I tried
to make you into something
you're not.
467
00:21:51,234 --> 00:21:53,699
I love you no matter
what size you are.
468
00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:55,265
Although, I got to admit,
469
00:21:55,334 --> 00:21:58,232
I'm gonna miss
eating cereal out of
the dimples on your ass.
470
00:21:58,300 --> 00:21:59,665
Well, Mrs. Griffin,
you rest up
471
00:21:59,734 --> 00:22:01,765
for a few days
and you'll be just fine.
472
00:22:01,834 --> 00:22:03,265
Thank you, Doctor.
473
00:22:03,334 --> 00:22:06,498
I realize now that
eating is not the way
to solve my problems.
474
00:22:06,567 --> 00:22:07,865
You hear that, Meg?
475
00:22:07,934 --> 00:22:11,065
For your information, Mom,
I don't eat to
solve my problems.
476
00:22:11,133 --> 00:22:13,698
I cut myself.
Is that better?
477
00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:16,164
Chris, we all love your hat.
478
00:22:16,233 --> 00:22:17,598
Thanks, Mom.
479
00:22:17,667 --> 00:22:20,598
Hey, Doc, what did you do
with my mom's fat?
480
00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:22,999
Oh, it's right here
in this storage closet.
481
00:22:24,034 --> 00:22:25,498
Uh...
482
00:22:25,567 --> 00:22:27,565
It's exactly
what it looks like.