1
00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,766
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,965
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,134 --> 00:00:37,532
MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER:
Tuesday on
Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
11
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,532
My God, what did those
drug dealers do to you?
12
00:00:40,601 --> 00:00:42,732
Oh, they took my chest out
and threw it over there.
13
00:00:42,801 --> 00:00:45,232
Then they pulled my legs out
and threw them over there.
14
00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:47,298
Brian, you're still
watching TV?
15
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:49,198
God, you've been sitting there
since I left.
16
00:00:49,267 --> 00:00:53,365
Yeah. I spent all morning
watching a VH1 special
on Gwen Stefani.
17
00:00:53,434 --> 00:00:55,598
I don't know what
a "hollaback girl" is.
18
00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:57,631
All I know is
I want her dead.
19
00:00:57,700 --> 00:00:59,032
Hey, can you
hand me the remote?
20
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,932
You know, you've been laying
around the house a lot lately.
21
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,799
Why don't you get
a part-time job like
Peter used to have?
22
00:01:04,867 --> 00:01:06,898
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
23
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,965
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
24
00:01:09,034 --> 00:01:11,065
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
25
00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:13,199
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
26
00:01:13,267 --> 00:01:16,065
♪ I work at Burger King making
flame broiled whoppers ♪
27
00:01:16,134 --> 00:01:17,599
♪ I wear paper hats ♪
28
00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,699
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
29
00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:21,932
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
30
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,032
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
31
00:01:24,101 --> 00:01:26,099
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
32
00:01:26,167 --> 00:01:28,232
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
33
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:30,365
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
34
00:01:30,434 --> 00:01:31,998
♪ Don't touch the fries
in hot fat ♪
35
00:01:32,067 --> 00:01:34,498
♪ It really hurts bad
And so do skin grafts ♪
36
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:36,665
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
37
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:38,898
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
38
00:01:38,967 --> 00:01:40,998
♪ Wait for the bell
Can't hear the bell ♪
39
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,232
♪ Where is the bell?
Wait for the bell ♪
40
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,732
♪ Ding, fries are done ♪
41
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:49,032
♪ Ding, fries are done ♪♪
42
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:50,665
Mom, guess what?
43
00:01:50,734 --> 00:01:53,465
I just found out
I got that internship
at Mayor West's office.
44
00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:55,999
Wow, congratulations, Meg.
45
00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:59,332
Yeah, it was a really
tough interview,
but I totally nailed it.
46
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:02,932
All right, Meg,
we're going to start with
a little word association.
47
00:02:03,001 --> 00:02:05,832
I'll say a word, and you say
whatever comes into your head.
48
00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:07,066
Okay.
Mosquito.
49
00:02:07,134 --> 00:02:08,698
Bite.
Hmm. Bite.
50
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,233
Mosquito.
Ah, yes. Good one.
51
00:02:10,301 --> 00:02:11,398
Uh, mosquito.
Bite.
52
00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:12,565
Mosquito.
Bite.
53
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,631
Mosquito.
Bite.
54
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:14,832
Bite.
Mosquito.
55
00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:18,899
Aha! Very good. You are
a worthy opponent, indeed.
56
00:02:18,968 --> 00:02:20,765
Congratulations.
You're hired.
57
00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:24,165
Your first job is to go
down to the corner
and tell that hobo
58
00:02:24,234 --> 00:02:26,065
I admire his spirit.
59
00:02:26,134 --> 00:02:28,531
I'm too self-conscious
to do it.
60
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,899
Oh, honey,
I'm so proud of you.
61
00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:33,265
You see, Brian,
Meg has a job.
62
00:02:33,334 --> 00:02:35,966
Hey, Meg, if you're
working for the Mayor,
you know what that means?
63
00:02:36,034 --> 00:02:37,932
Even you're doing
better than Brian.
64
00:02:39,467 --> 00:02:41,665
Hey, everybody,
Brian's the new Meg.
65
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:47,965
Brian's the new Meg.
Brian's the new Meg.
66
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:49,432
Yeah, you're
the new me.
67
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:50,498
Shut up, Meg.
68
00:02:54,833 --> 00:02:56,998
Let's go, kids.
Time for school.
69
00:02:57,067 --> 00:03:00,632
Lois, I don't want
to ruin your morning,
but I flushed a diaper.
70
00:03:00,701 --> 00:03:01,732
It's a mess up there.
71
00:03:01,801 --> 00:03:03,832
(CAR HORN HONKING)
72
00:03:03,901 --> 00:03:07,032
Brian, what is this?
You're driving a cab?
73
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:08,832
Well, Lois,
I realized you were right.
74
00:03:08,901 --> 00:03:10,832
I mean, it's time I went
out and got a job.
75
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,732
For God sakes,
I'm seven years old.
76
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,032
Seven? That's not bad.
77
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,165
You know,
Todd was 15 when he died.
78
00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:17,665
The dog we had before you.
79
00:03:17,734 --> 00:03:19,598
Hey, Peter, did you call me?
80
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:21,565
Yeah, I thought we'd
go to the park, Todd.
81
00:03:21,633 --> 00:03:24,198
Oh, you're not taking me
to the vet, are you?
82
00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:26,331
No, no, just a nice day
at the park.
83
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,298
I'm a little worried that
you're gonna have me put down.
84
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:30,932
I know there's been
some concern
85
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,498
about my sphincter's
low shutter speed.
86
00:03:33,567 --> 00:03:35,432
No, no, we're just going
to the park, Todd.
87
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:38,199
Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy
the ride, then.
88
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,531
Around the park
one more time, Bitterman.
89
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,832
Peter, I'm not
your chauffeur.
90
00:03:43,901 --> 00:03:45,932
Not for long
with that attitude, Bitterman.
91
00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:47,032
(GROANS)
92
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:48,698
Ah! This is living,
Bitterman.
93
00:03:48,768 --> 00:03:52,133
This set of wheels is
even better than those talking
cars on that commercial.
94
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:54,765
Hey, how you doing there?
95
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:58,998
Listen, uh, I couldn't help
but notice you across
the parking lot and, uh...
96
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:01,465
You know, you're-- you're
very attractive and, uh...
97
00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:04,333
You want to go
behind the Applebee's
and do it? Huh?
98
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:08,698
You want to just go
have some dirty, stupid,
insane parking-lot sex?
99
00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:10,798
Chuck, it's me, Morty.
100
00:04:10,868 --> 00:04:12,265
Yeah, 'cause we could...
What?
101
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,131
Yeah, they had me painted.
102
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,798
Oh! Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed.
103
00:04:16,868 --> 00:04:18,398
Oh, my...
Hey, how do you
think I feel?
104
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,333
No, no, that, too, but...
It's not all about you,
you know.
105
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,066
Morty, oh, my God,
what are you doing?
Look at you.
106
00:04:22,134 --> 00:04:24,866
Think I was like
a birthday present for the kid
or something like that.
107
00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:27,265
Oh, my God, look at you.
You're-- you're-- you're hot.
108
00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:28,532
I know.
I would've taken you...
109
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:29,999
You know what I would've
done to you back there?
110
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:31,465
Yeah?
Why didn't you say
something earlier?
111
00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:32,898
I said all that stuff. God!
112
00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:34,098
Let's not--
Let's not rule
anything out.
113
00:04:37,034 --> 00:04:38,899
Hey, look, there's Lois.
Yeah.
114
00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:39,999
Hey, honk the horn.
115
00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:41,066
(HORN HONKING)
116
00:04:42,268 --> 00:04:43,564
Oh, hi, Peter.
117
00:04:43,634 --> 00:04:45,365
(LAUGHING)
Ram her.
What?
118
00:04:45,434 --> 00:04:46,598
I said ram her!
119
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:48,266
Ah! What the hell?
120
00:04:48,335 --> 00:04:49,698
Now shoot her tires out.
What?
121
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,032
You got a gun?
Well, yeah.
122
00:04:51,101 --> 00:04:52,333
Every cabbie carries
a gun, but...
123
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:53,398
Give me the gun.
124
00:04:55,533 --> 00:04:59,399
(SCREAMING)
125
00:04:59,468 --> 00:05:02,632
What the hell is wrong
with you, Peter?
You could've killed me!
126
00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:04,531
Yeah, but I got
you good, Lois.
127
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,332
Admit it.
Just say it, I got you.
128
00:05:07,268 --> 00:05:08,298
(LAUGHING)
129
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,366
Oh, all right,
you got me.
130
00:05:11,533 --> 00:05:12,731
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I told you.
131
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,298
Oh, my God.
132
00:05:14,367 --> 00:05:16,032
Oh, no, what happened here?
133
00:05:16,101 --> 00:05:17,531
We got into
a little accident.
134
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,132
It's all right.
Oh, no.
135
00:05:19,201 --> 00:05:22,266
Well, I guess accidents happen
when you least expect them.
136
00:05:22,335 --> 00:05:24,966
That's how come
they call them accidents.
137
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:27,465
Oh, look, you got
the community events corkboard
138
00:05:27,533 --> 00:05:29,132
wedged in your grill.
139
00:05:29,201 --> 00:05:30,465
There, that's better.
140
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:32,132
Don't you all forget
to sign up
141
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,598
for the Quahog Community
Talent Show.
142
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,832
Talent show?
Oh, Peter, that could be fun.
143
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,665
Do you think we have
a chance at winning?
144
00:05:39,734 --> 00:05:41,899
Absolutely. I love being
around the stage.
145
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:44,298
Except for that time
we went to see
Phantom of the Opera.
146
00:05:44,367 --> 00:05:49,999
♪ Music is the gift
I give to you ♪♪
147
00:05:50,068 --> 00:05:52,498
PETER:
Let's see the gross
half of your face!
148
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:54,132
Come on!
149
00:05:54,201 --> 00:05:57,099
Let's see the gross half
of your face so I can
get out of here!
150
00:05:57,168 --> 00:05:58,699
That nose better be piggy.
151
00:05:58,767 --> 00:05:59,998
Shut up.
You shut up.
152
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:05,032
♪♪(SINGING)
153
00:06:16,401 --> 00:06:19,732
Oh, your old guitar.
I haven't seen
that thing in ages.
154
00:06:19,801 --> 00:06:22,799
Well, Lois, I thought
you and me could do
a song for the talent show.
155
00:06:22,867 --> 00:06:25,431
It could be just like
the old days when
we used to play.
156
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,732
You remember, Lois?
157
00:06:26,801 --> 00:06:29,365
Remember our band,
Handful of Peter?
158
00:06:29,434 --> 00:06:32,332
Hi, there. I'm Peter,
and this is Lois.
159
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,498
We want to talk to you
about a friend of ours.
160
00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,032
He's not here tonight.
161
00:06:36,101 --> 00:06:38,199
Although, you know,
he's kind of here, Lois.
162
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,866
You know, you're right.
He kind of is.
163
00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:41,598
Yeah, because he's
in our hearts.
164
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:45,265
This is a song about that man
and his world
165
00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:47,099
that was taken from him.
166
00:06:52,867 --> 00:06:58,099
♪ Noble Indian chief,
bring us back your ways ♪
167
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:03,865
♪ You Indians were so awesome
in, oh, so many ways ♪
168
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:08,765
♪ They all loved each other
regardless of the tribe ♪
169
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:11,832
♪ One Comanche
needs a cup of sugar ♪
170
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,999
♪ And the Blackfoot
would oblige ♪
171
00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:15,431
♪ Oblige ♪
172
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:20,066
♪ The only cause of death
was drifting off to sleep ♪
173
00:07:20,134 --> 00:07:22,665
♪ And they left
this piece of wisdom ♪
174
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,765
♪ That we hope
you all will keep ♪
175
00:07:24,834 --> 00:07:25,965
♪ And they said ♪♪
176
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:38,799
They're gone now.
177
00:07:38,867 --> 00:07:41,032
How could this have happened?
178
00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,464
BOTH: How?
179
00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:45,098
Oh, I haven't thought
about that in years.
180
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,365
You know, it would be fun
to write some new songs.
181
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,966
You know what else is fun?
Watching Mr. Belvedere
182
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:52,233
without people
talking so loud.
183
00:07:52,301 --> 00:07:53,665
So I was thinking we could...
184
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,166
♪ Streaks on the china ♪
185
00:07:55,235 --> 00:07:56,899
♪ Never mattered before ♪
186
00:07:56,968 --> 00:07:58,233
♪ Who cared ♪
187
00:07:58,301 --> 00:08:00,199
♪ When you drop kick
your jacket ♪
188
00:08:00,268 --> 00:08:01,999
♪ When you came through
the door ♪
189
00:08:02,068 --> 00:08:03,432
♪ No one glared ♪♪
190
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:04,499
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
191
00:08:06,101 --> 00:08:08,765
Hello. Hey, Lois,
what's up?
192
00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:11,699
Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up
at the end of my shift.
193
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:14,432
Oh, gotta go.
First fare of the night.
194
00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:19,732
I should really pick up
that milk now before I forget.
195
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,899
You son of a bitch!
196
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:27,365
Hey, Brian,
you see that magazine
cover right there?
197
00:08:27,433 --> 00:08:28,465
See who's on it?
198
00:08:28,533 --> 00:08:29,866
Yeah, that's Jessica Alba.
199
00:08:29,934 --> 00:08:31,598
Yeah, you want to know
a secret, buddy?
200
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,032
What?
I would do her.
201
00:08:33,101 --> 00:08:34,531
Really?
Oh, yeah.
202
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,698
I just wanted you
to know a little bit
about who I am.
203
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,099
Thanks for the milk, Carl.
204
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,531
What the hell? $400?
205
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,398
My God, this is
a bigger ripoff than
206
00:08:45,466 --> 00:08:47,732
Peter's
Sounds of the Rainforest CD.
207
00:08:47,801 --> 00:08:50,465
This will help us
fall asleep, Lois.
208
00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:52,065
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
209
00:08:52,134 --> 00:08:53,565
(MONKEYS SCREECHING)
210
00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:00,665
(LION ROARING)
211
00:09:04,368 --> 00:09:05,999
(TRUCK BACKING UP)
212
00:09:06,068 --> 00:09:08,433
MAN 1:
All right, let's get rid
of all these trees.
213
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:11,565
MAN 2: Once they're gone,
this'll be a great place
to raise cheap beef.
214
00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:13,865
Up yours, Sting!
Yeah, yeah!
215
00:09:13,934 --> 00:09:15,731
Hey, what's that song
he does that I hate?
216
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,199
Uh, Desert Rose.
217
00:09:17,268 --> 00:09:19,099
Yeah, yeah,
that song sucks.
218
00:09:19,168 --> 00:09:20,165
(ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)
219
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:24,999
Meg, I'm going to lunch now,
and I'm having pizza.
220
00:09:25,068 --> 00:09:27,132
So if you see
the Noid running around,
221
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,732
tell him if he ruins
my pizza's freshness,
222
00:09:29,801 --> 00:09:31,631
I'll snap his neck.
223
00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:37,332
Hey, Meg, I need to see
the Mayor about this
$400 parking ticket.
224
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,264
Brian, you can't
just barge in here.
225
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:41,065
You have to make
an appointment.
226
00:09:41,134 --> 00:09:42,998
But this is
flat-out extortion.
227
00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:46,598
No, it's not.
Adam can charge whatever
he wants for a parking ticket.
228
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,665
You know, Meg,
that guy's been playing
fast and loose
229
00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:50,765
with his position
for years now,
and I've had it.
230
00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:52,199
He's a corrupt bastard.
231
00:09:52,267 --> 00:09:53,499
That is not true.
232
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:55,199
Yes, it is.
233
00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:57,599
Somebody's got to stand up
and prove to this town
that he's a crook.
234
00:09:57,667 --> 00:09:59,798
And it looks like
it has to be me.
235
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,165
What was all the commotion?
236
00:10:02,233 --> 00:10:03,598
Oh, nothing,
it was just...
237
00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:05,032
(GIGGLING)
238
00:10:06,201 --> 00:10:07,198
(SHOUTING)
239
00:10:17,001 --> 00:10:18,198
(GRUNTING)
240
00:10:18,266 --> 00:10:19,264
(NECK SNAPPING)
241
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:27,498
Perhaps it was the Noid
who should've avoided me.
242
00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:35,832
You know what, Brian?
243
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,732
It took me two hours
to spell "hat"
with these things.
244
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:41,032
I finally got the "T"
right side up,
245
00:10:41,101 --> 00:10:42,699
and then you come in here...
246
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:45,298
You're a bastard.
Where are you going?
247
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:48,932
I'm going to expose
Mayor West as the corrupt
politician that he is.
248
00:10:49,001 --> 00:10:51,765
I'm on my way to meet
a source who won't talk
to me over the phone.
249
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:54,065
Ooh! Scandal in Quahog.
Count me in.
250
00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:59,998
Oh, my God, speed up,
speed up, speed up.
251
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:03,732
Oh, there you are,
you honky son of a bitch,
come back here.
252
00:11:10,434 --> 00:11:12,131
Thank you for coming,
Deep Throat.
253
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,532
You'll understand
if I don't come out
from the shadows.
254
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,498
My identity will be safest
if you never see my face.
255
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:18,799
Uh, okay.
256
00:11:18,868 --> 00:11:21,598
Mayor West hasn't slept
at home for three nights.
257
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,231
Kermit the Frog?
258
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,198
(GASPS)
Somebody talked!
No one is safe!
259
00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:26,298
I'm getting out of here!
260
00:11:26,366 --> 00:11:27,365
(EXCLAIMING)
261
00:11:28,268 --> 00:11:29,631
What's his appeal?
262
00:11:31,934 --> 00:11:36,198
♪ They should make a tube
that sends you right to work ♪
263
00:11:36,267 --> 00:11:39,065
♪ That would save
a lot of gas ♪
264
00:11:39,134 --> 00:11:42,132
♪ But I guess there'd be
a lot of tubes ♪♪
265
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,731
Well, that wasn't
very good.
266
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,932
We're never gonna
win that talent show.
267
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,431
Hey, now, Peter,
you gotta remember
268
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,265
that when we used
to write the old songs,
269
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:52,632
we had a lot
of "inspiration," huh?
270
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:56,966
You know, I think Brian
may have some inspiration
in a cigar box under his bed.
271
00:11:57,034 --> 00:11:59,531
I don't know, Lois.
I don't think this
is gonna work.
272
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,766
Come on, we can't
give up on our goals.
273
00:12:01,834 --> 00:12:03,765
What if Jesus had done that?
274
00:12:03,833 --> 00:12:04,832
(CHILDREN CLAMORING)
275
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,165
Why is the ironing board
still out?
276
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:18,331
That's-- That's my favorite
picture of Brian over there
on that wall.
277
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:22,198
He wants to have
sex with me so bad.
278
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:24,898
(LAUGHING)
279
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:26,598
He's not...
280
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,398
He's not gonna get to.
281
00:12:29,467 --> 00:12:30,632
(LAUGHING)
282
00:12:38,401 --> 00:12:40,032
All right. There he goes.
Let's move.
283
00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:44,198
I say,
what are we looking for?
284
00:12:44,266 --> 00:12:47,332
I don't know, some proof
of Mayor West's corruption.
285
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,932
Whoa, whoa, what--what
the hell are you guys
doing here?
286
00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:52,798
I'm sorry.
We happen to be here
to solve a case.
287
00:12:52,867 --> 00:12:54,065
Uh, we were here first.
288
00:12:54,134 --> 00:12:56,865
Well, you know,
this is a free country, dude,
289
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,332
and we are here
to go to work.
290
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,132
Free country,
but this is our beat,
you know?
291
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,532
Yeah, but we are
here to go to work.
292
00:13:01,601 --> 00:13:03,431
We've been called,
and that's why we're here.
293
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:04,498
You know what?
I tell you.
294
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:06,166
How about you just turn around
and walk away?
295
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:08,032
No, I don't think so.
Hey, you know what...
296
00:13:08,101 --> 00:13:09,865
We do not walk away.
297
00:13:09,934 --> 00:13:11,066
I'll get you started.
298
00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:14,565
♪♪(HUMMING)
299
00:13:19,634 --> 00:13:21,232
What are you
doing here, Brian?
300
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,798
Still trying to smear my boss?
301
00:13:22,867 --> 00:13:25,198
No, no, no. I actually
came to my senses
302
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:27,098
and realized I was
out of line.
303
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:29,831
Uh, I'm just here
to apologize.
304
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:33,832
Oh, and, uh,
you're so pretty.
305
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,098
You're always pretty.
306
00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:39,798
Oh, you guys are so sweet.
307
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:41,899
Well, it's my pleasure.
308
00:13:41,968 --> 00:13:43,465
Hey, can you guys
hold on a sec?
309
00:13:43,534 --> 00:13:44,998
I gotta get this
to Helen in Accounting.
310
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,699
Okay, bye.
311
00:13:47,234 --> 00:13:48,231
(RETCHING)
312
00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:51,198
Aha!
313
00:13:51,266 --> 00:13:52,365
The Mayor's datebook.
314
00:13:52,434 --> 00:13:54,198
This should tell us
what we wanna know.
315
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,699
All right,
let's get out of here.
316
00:13:55,767 --> 00:13:58,865
Oh, God, I feel more delirious
than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
317
00:13:58,934 --> 00:14:02,198
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
318
00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:04,499
I'm not gay!
Go see my new movie!
319
00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:06,866
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
I'm not gay!
320
00:14:08,867 --> 00:14:11,366
All we need is
one incriminating entry
in this datebook,
321
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:12,532
and that's our ticket to...
322
00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:16,232
Hey, Brian.
What's up?
323
00:14:16,301 --> 00:14:19,699
Uh, hi, uh,
Lois, Peter.
324
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:23,199
Brian, did you know
this couch was here?
325
00:14:23,267 --> 00:14:25,932
It's so comfortable.
326
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,832
Hey, Lois,
look how short Stewie is.
327
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:31,632
(GIGGLING)
He's so short.
328
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:35,665
Oh, my God.
He is short.
329
00:14:40,768 --> 00:14:41,999
Hey.
330
00:14:42,068 --> 00:14:43,965
Hey, Brian.
331
00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:46,832
He's knocking
on the back door.
332
00:14:46,901 --> 00:14:48,598
What should I do?
333
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:49,732
What?
334
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:52,598
He's knocking
on the back door.
335
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:54,298
Should I let him in?
336
00:14:54,366 --> 00:14:55,932
I'm scared.
337
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,299
Well, uh, you two are
busy being nude.
338
00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:02,299
So, um, we'll
just, uh, head out and, uh,
339
00:15:03,134 --> 00:15:05,365
let you be nude.
340
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:08,165
Who were those guys?
341
00:15:08,234 --> 00:15:10,166
I don't know.
342
00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:11,898
Room for one more?
343
00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:18,432
Well, this is
the last entry
in the datebook.
344
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:22,166
"Super secret meeting
at motel. Inform no one."
345
00:15:22,235 --> 00:15:23,565
I think we got him now.
346
00:15:23,634 --> 00:15:25,698
You know, you really shouldn't
lie on that bedspread.
347
00:15:25,768 --> 00:15:29,198
I saw this report
on TV about how filthy
hotel rooms are.
348
00:15:29,266 --> 00:15:31,132
In a moment,
we will use the special lights
349
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:35,431
to see just how filthy
this seemingly clean
hotel room really is.
350
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:36,732
(ANIMALS CALLING)
351
00:15:41,333 --> 00:15:43,232
Well? What do you see?
352
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:49,364
Oh, Jem, you are
truly outrageous.
353
00:15:49,433 --> 00:15:52,298
Truly, truly,
truly outrageous.
354
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:55,198
I see a grown man
enjoying cartoons.
355
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:57,598
(SIGHING)
Well, that's it, then.
356
00:15:57,667 --> 00:16:00,331
The only thing this guy
is guilty of is being
a whack job.
357
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,598
Wait, wait, wait.
Somebody's coming in.
358
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,665
Oh, it's just
some fat hooker.
359
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:07,965
Oh, my God, it's Meg!
What?
360
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,699
Meg and Adam West.
361
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:10,832
Ew!
362
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:12,398
(SHEEP BLEATING)
Sorry, sorry.
363
00:16:18,867 --> 00:16:20,499
God, this is incredible.
364
00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:23,698
The Mayor is dating
a teenage intern,
and it's Meg.
365
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:24,932
What a story.
366
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:26,999
This is the perfect scandal
to take him down.
367
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:28,765
All we need is
taped evidence.
368
00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:30,532
Well, I've got
the disguises right here.
369
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,799
I thought you were
supposed to get the suit
and the top hat.
370
00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:36,899
I liked this one better.
371
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:38,966
Anything to wear
a dress, huh?
372
00:16:42,201 --> 00:16:44,432
Gosh, you're swell, Meg.
373
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,632
I really have a great time
when I'm with you.
374
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:49,432
Oh, Mayor West, I feel
exactly the same way.
375
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:51,898
Please, please.
Call me Mayor ChapStick.
376
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:55,098
Well, we should probably go.
377
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:57,165
(GASPS)
Here they come. Kiss me.
378
00:16:59,401 --> 00:17:01,332
Come on, we gotta follow them.
379
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:03,166
Stewie?
380
00:17:03,235 --> 00:17:04,565
Huh? Oh. Oh.
381
00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:06,598
Everything all right?
Uh, yeah.
382
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:07,866
Uh...
383
00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:09,999
Hey, listen,
freaking shot in the dark.
384
00:17:10,068 --> 00:17:11,665
You wanna do
something sometime?
385
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,498
Great practice, Lois.
386
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:18,898
We are totally ready
for that talent show.
387
00:17:18,967 --> 00:17:21,798
Oh, my God, Peter,
I am so wasted.
388
00:17:21,867 --> 00:17:23,565
All I want to do
is make cookies.
389
00:17:23,634 --> 00:17:25,465
(GASPS)
Oh, my God,
I have a great idea.
390
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:26,699
Let's make cookies.
391
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:28,132
We don't have to, Lois.
392
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,832
Look, there's a magical land
of desserts right behind you.
393
00:17:35,533 --> 00:17:37,966
(BOTH LAUGHING)
394
00:17:44,533 --> 00:17:46,798
Help! Stop!
395
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:52,432
(GASPS)
396
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:54,799
Oh, Brian. You scared me.
397
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,464
Another late night, huh?
398
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,599
Yeah, Mayor West
keeps me pretty busy.
399
00:17:58,667 --> 00:18:00,498
Yeah, I noticed.
400
00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:02,431
(GASPS)
401
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:03,865
Where did you get that?
402
00:18:03,934 --> 00:18:05,932
Meg, what the hell
have you gotten yourself into?
403
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,332
You realize
he probably does this
with every new intern.
404
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,731
That's not true.
Adam and I are in love.
405
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,132
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
406
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,999
Listen, I'm warning you
because I care about you.
407
00:18:15,068 --> 00:18:17,798
I am going to the press
with this story,
and when it hits,
408
00:18:17,867 --> 00:18:20,199
it'll be bigger
than Uncle Sam's nipples.
409
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,065
Jeez! What the hell?
410
00:18:23,134 --> 00:18:24,699
Uh, they're called
nipples, guys.
411
00:18:24,768 --> 00:18:26,332
They're freaking huge.
412
00:18:26,401 --> 00:18:29,166
You know what?
Maybe we can just all relax
and enjoy the sauna.
413
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:33,398
♪♪(MUSIC PLAYING ON T.V.)
414
00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:37,398
I have to tell you
something, Adam.
415
00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:39,065
You're an alien. I know.
416
00:18:39,133 --> 00:18:43,365
No, no, my dog is gonna expose
our relationship to the press.
417
00:18:43,434 --> 00:18:44,798
Well, so what?
418
00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:47,131
You and I know
that we haven't done
anything wrong.
419
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,932
I told you that I'd
wait for you until
you're 18 or 21.
420
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,498
Or maybe 25,
when you can
legally rent a car.
421
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:54,665
They don't care.
422
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,532
They're gonna make you
look like a monster.
423
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,631
I see.
424
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:58,898
Well, Meg,
I'm a public figure.
425
00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:00,998
I'm used to
the tabloids' doodie.
426
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,732
It's you I'm worried about.
427
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,932
You're just a sweet
young lady with her whole
life ahead of her.
428
00:19:06,001 --> 00:19:09,898
This story could
ruin your future,
and I can't let that happen.
429
00:19:09,967 --> 00:19:12,465
I'll take the fall,
no matter what.
430
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:18,898
Goodbye, Meg.
I'll always value
your friendship.
431
00:19:18,967 --> 00:19:20,965
I love you, Mayor ChapStick.
432
00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:25,198
(BRIAN CLEARING HIS THROAT)
433
00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:27,999
(GASPS) Brian?
What are you doing here?
434
00:19:28,068 --> 00:19:31,299
I, uh, just wanted
to give you this.
435
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,799
I don't think
I'll be needing it anymore.
436
00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:36,099
I got so caught up in
taking down Mayor West
437
00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:39,099
that I just lost sight
of right and wrong.
438
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:40,365
Thank you, Brian.
439
00:19:40,434 --> 00:19:42,098
Well, can I give you
a lift home?
440
00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:43,532
My cab's right outside.
441
00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:45,532
(SHOUTING)
442
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:49,498
(ROARING)
443
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:58,099
Good evening.
I'm Diane Simmons,
444
00:19:58,168 --> 00:20:01,565
and I'd like to welcome you
to Quahog's Fifth Annual
Talent Show.
445
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,331
Let's have a round of applause
for our first performer.
446
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,364
♪ There's no moustache
like my father's moustache ♪
447
00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:10,665
♪ That's the biggest moustache
in town ♪♪
448
00:20:10,733 --> 00:20:12,233
Play me off, Johnny.
449
00:20:18,667 --> 00:20:20,998
What else be funny tonight?
450
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:23,465
Uh, Star Jones got married.
That was in the news.
451
00:20:23,534 --> 00:20:26,132
Married a black fellow,
which is quite a surprise
452
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,132
because I'd call her
quite a catch.
453
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,865
And black guys, by and large,
they're not so helpful
on a fishing vessel.
454
00:20:31,934 --> 00:20:34,498
Now, Portuguese,
absolutely, absolutely.
455
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,498
I even had a couple
of Japanese guys
who worked out great.
456
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:41,232
Thank you very much.
You guys have been terrific.
457
00:20:41,301 --> 00:20:44,199
And now, our final performance
of the night.
458
00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:47,199
Let's hear it
for Handful of Peter.
459
00:20:47,268 --> 00:20:48,832
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
460
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:58,399
♪ In god's eyes,
everybody's hot ♪
461
00:21:02,101 --> 00:21:07,032
♪ This world has beauty
all through her ♪
462
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:15,098
♪ Picture the fattest chick
you know ♪
463
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:23,532
♪ God would totally do her ♪
464
00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:30,531
♪ He'd do her all the way
Even call her the next day ♪
465
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,765
♪ To see how
her work was going ♪♪
466
00:21:35,034 --> 00:21:36,698
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
467
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:42,799
I can't believe
we lost the talent show.
What'd we do wrong?
468
00:21:42,867 --> 00:21:44,866
Well, Dad, I think I can shed
a little light on that.
469
00:21:44,934 --> 00:21:46,531
You guys were so baked,
470
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,465
you didn't sound anywhere
near as good as you
thought you did.
471
00:21:49,533 --> 00:21:50,965
I was in the audience.
472
00:21:51,034 --> 00:21:52,832
(BOTH SHOUTING)
473
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:04,099
And here we thought
the weed was inspiring us.
474
00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:06,565
Well, that's a popular
misconception, Mom and Dad.
475
00:22:06,634 --> 00:22:10,699
But the fact is
the chief ingredient
in marijuana is THC,
476
00:22:10,767 --> 00:22:12,199
a mild form of acid,
477
00:22:12,267 --> 00:22:14,898
prolonged usage of which
can cause adverse effects
478
00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:17,599
to your sexual potency,
short-term memory loss,
479
00:22:17,667 --> 00:22:20,465
and can also severely damage
your brain tissue,
480
00:22:20,534 --> 00:22:22,965
central nervous system
and basic motor skills.
481
00:22:23,034 --> 00:22:24,665
To put it simply,
Mom and Dad,
482
00:22:24,734 --> 00:22:27,565
there's a reason
that they call it dope.
483
00:22:27,634 --> 00:22:29,765
Trying to watch
Mr. Belvedere.
484
00:22:29,834 --> 00:22:31,865
So my advice to
the two of you would be...
485
00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:34,198
♪ According to
our new arrival ♪
486
00:22:34,267 --> 00:22:36,799
♪ Life is more than
mere survival ♪
487
00:22:36,867 --> 00:22:39,799
♪ And we just might
live the good life yet ♪♪
488
00:22:39,867 --> 00:22:41,765
♪♪(HUMMING)