1
00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,998
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,798
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,134 --> 00:00:37,432
Guys, this is the best
dirty bookstore in town.
11
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:38,832
Family owned,
great hours,
12
00:00:38,901 --> 00:00:40,432
and lots of parking
in the rear.
13
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:41,565
Get it?
14
00:00:41,633 --> 00:00:43,365
Giggity Giggity
Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig!
15
00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:45,732
Wow. You usually expect
these places to be dirty.
16
00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:46,932
No, it's pretty clean.
17
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,366
Carol Burnett works
part time as a janitor.
18
00:00:53,901 --> 00:00:56,331
You know,
when she tugged her ear
at the end of that show,
19
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,965
she was really saying
good night to her mom.
20
00:00:59,034 --> 00:01:01,698
I wonder what she tugged
to say good night to her dad.
21
00:01:01,767 --> 00:01:05,298
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
22
00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:07,131
What you staring at, Joe?
23
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:12,032
These dolls all look
really surprised
for some reason.
24
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:16,132
I wonder
what they're all
so surprised about.
25
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,032
What? You've never seen
a handicapped man before?
26
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,932
They're polyurethane
sex toys, Joe.
27
00:01:22,001 --> 00:01:24,032
They're not capable
of judgment.
28
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:26,065
And even if they were,
who cares?
29
00:01:26,134 --> 00:01:27,432
They're whores.
30
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:29,398
Well, an old-time penny show.
31
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:31,932
"The Naughty Flapper Girl."
32
00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:33,798
Oh, hot! She's voting!
33
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,665
Yeah. You break
all the rules, eh?
34
00:01:37,734 --> 00:01:40,965
Yeah, that's right.
Vote for Taft,
you dirty girl.
35
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,199
Hey, Quagmire.
What's through that door?
36
00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:44,698
Oh, that's the exit.
37
00:01:44,768 --> 00:01:46,498
Of course, in this place
every exit's
also an entrance.
38
00:01:46,567 --> 00:01:50,332
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
39
00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:53,165
♪ Make 'em laugh,
make 'em laugh ♪
40
00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:56,599
♪ Don't you know
all the world loves to laugh ♪
41
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:59,531
♪ I always try and find
the hottest chick
in the place ♪
42
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,699
♪ I crack her on the noggin
with a lamp or a vase ♪
43
00:02:02,767 --> 00:02:05,665
♪ And then
when she's unconscious
I do stuff to her face ♪
44
00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:08,865
♪ Make 'em laugh,
make 'em laugh,
make 'em laugh ♪♪
45
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,465
Meg, I need you
to baby-sit Stewie
tomorrow afternoon.
46
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:19,198
Mom, you know
I go to the mall
on Saturdays.
47
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:20,732
I mean,
I do have a life.
48
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,765
Hey, what time is it?
We're gonna miss the movie.
49
00:02:22,833 --> 00:02:24,865
Yeah. Let's go, everyone.
50
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:29,898
(SNIFFING)
51
00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:40,232
Hey. Hey!
52
00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:41,432
Psst!
53
00:02:42,868 --> 00:02:44,699
Wow, Peter!
That's a book, isn't it?
54
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:46,699
That's the first time
I've seen you
reading something
55
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,565
that didn't later
turn out to just
be a sandwich.
56
00:02:48,633 --> 00:02:51,099
Yeah. It's an erotic book.
I bought it at that sex shop.
57
00:02:51,168 --> 00:02:53,032
I got to tell you though,
I've read four chapters
58
00:02:53,101 --> 00:02:54,631
of this and it's not
sexy at all.
59
00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:57,665
"Much Ado About Humping."
Well, sounds sexy.
60
00:02:57,733 --> 00:02:59,232
Peter,
would you put that away?
61
00:02:59,301 --> 00:03:01,265
I don't like you
reading smut at the table.
62
00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,198
Yeah.
If only this were smut, Lois.
63
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,798
"He rubbed
her shoulder sensually."
64
00:03:05,867 --> 00:03:07,698
What the hell is that?
That's not sexy.
65
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:09,532
You can't do somebody
in the shoulder.
66
00:03:09,601 --> 00:03:11,598
Why don't you
and that book
get a room?
67
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:12,899
Did you hear
what I said, Brian?
68
00:03:12,967 --> 00:03:14,399
I said, I said,
"Why don't you
and that..."
69
00:03:14,467 --> 00:03:15,632
"That book get a room."
Yeah.
70
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:18,099
Okay. I just want to
make sure you heard.
71
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,298
Hey, guys.
Tell me if this letter
sounds all right.
72
00:03:23,366 --> 00:03:25,065
"Dear Reek Publishing,
73
00:03:25,134 --> 00:03:28,032
"I was highly disappointed
by your erotic novel.
74
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:29,732
"Here's what I
would have wrote.
75
00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:33,799
"'It was past
midnight when the blonde,
smoking-hot lab assistant,
76
00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:37,231
"'who looked a little
like Heather Locklear,
only with bigger jugs,
77
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,298
"'was grabbed and thrown
onto the lab table.
78
00:03:40,366 --> 00:03:44,799
"'He ripped off her lab coat
and she grabbed his
metallic extension.'
79
00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:47,264
"Oh. Did I mention
he was a robot?
80
00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:49,099
"'Cause that's
kind of important.
81
00:03:49,168 --> 00:03:52,298
"Yeah, a robot. Awesome."
82
00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:54,799
Whoa! That is hot.
I got to get a copy of that.
83
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:57,365
Yeah. You got some
serious talent there,
Peter.
84
00:03:57,433 --> 00:04:00,232
Really?
I'm no school administrator,
85
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:03,999
but there's
an extension program
going on in my trousers.
86
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:09,066
"And then
Captain Leroy Hot Dog
87
00:04:09,135 --> 00:04:11,265
"Zanzibar and Gina
from my work
88
00:04:11,333 --> 00:04:14,098
"got in the back seat
of his really cool spaceship.
89
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:18,032
"Gina was finally
wearing that tank top
I got her and nothing else.
90
00:04:18,101 --> 00:04:20,366
"Zanzibar knew
he couldn't control
91
00:04:20,435 --> 00:04:22,631
"his space horniness
any longer,
92
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:24,531
"and then
they totally did it.
93
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,999
"And if I'd have been there,
I would have been like,
94
00:04:27,068 --> 00:04:29,598
"'Oh, sweet.'"
Huh? What do you think?
95
00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:31,999
You certainly do
paint a picture, Peter.
96
00:04:32,068 --> 00:04:34,399
I felt like
I was right there
on Planet Niptune.
97
00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:35,865
You're not the only one.
98
00:04:35,934 --> 00:04:37,631
Everyone down at the bar
wanted a copy.
99
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:40,232
Wow! Maybe you should
think about publishing it.
100
00:04:40,301 --> 00:04:41,698
Hey, if you ask Daddy,
101
00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:43,498
he might even
give you some money
to do it yourself.
102
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:46,333
That's a great idea, Lois.
I'll talk to him tomorrow.
103
00:04:46,401 --> 00:04:48,299
If this works out,
I could make more money
104
00:04:48,368 --> 00:04:50,699
than when I had
that rat farm
in the basement.
105
00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:52,431
Armando,
do you have the rent?
106
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,498
We are trying, Senor Griffin.
107
00:04:54,567 --> 00:04:56,965
But the land,
she gives us nothing.
108
00:04:57,034 --> 00:04:58,965
There is no sunlight.
109
00:04:59,034 --> 00:05:00,665
It's been two months, Armando.
110
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,965
You're putting me
in a real awkward
position here.
111
00:05:03,034 --> 00:05:04,333
Oh, please, Senor Griffin.
112
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:05,465
Just one more week.
113
00:05:05,533 --> 00:05:06,965
I will pay you double.
114
00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:09,665
Perhaps we can work out
another arrangement.
115
00:05:09,734 --> 00:05:13,098
Oh, please, Senor.
Not my beloved!
116
00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:17,432
Armando, Armando,
it is for the children.
117
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:19,398
(SOBBING)
118
00:05:19,467 --> 00:05:23,866
(WHIMPERING)
Yes. Yes.
119
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,065
He takes the beam.
120
00:05:27,134 --> 00:05:29,866
The spectators
hold their breath
as Stewie Griffin
121
00:05:29,934 --> 00:05:33,132
is America's last hope
to take home the gold.
122
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,165
Oh, oh.
Did you see that, Mitch?
123
00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:39,132
I sure did, Kathy.
That was impressive.
Here comes the dismount.
124
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,132
Hey, Stewie,
I just took a nap.
125
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,465
You want an eye booger?
126
00:05:42,534 --> 00:05:43,565
(SCREAMING)
127
00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:45,432
Oh, damn you, Chris!
Look what you've done!
128
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:46,865
I'm training
for the Olympics,
129
00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:49,732
and I need
absolute concentration.
130
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,499
Look at him.
Look how fat he is.
131
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:53,932
Hmm.
132
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,099
Oh, my God!
That was even cooler
133
00:06:00,168 --> 00:06:03,499
than playing
with the speech function
on my Macintosh.
134
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:06,465
So, computer,
what are you thinking about
right now?
135
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,498
COMPUTER VOICE:
Stewie is cool.
136
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:10,299
(WHOOPING)
137
00:06:15,934 --> 00:06:17,132
What do you want, homo?
138
00:06:17,201 --> 00:06:18,598
Listen, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
139
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:20,698
You're a businessman.
I'm a businessman.
140
00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:24,132
And I've got a proposal
that I guarantee
you can't refuse.
141
00:06:24,201 --> 00:06:25,731
See,
I wrote this erotica book.
142
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,932
And I was hoping
you could loan me
$7 billion to publish it.
143
00:06:29,001 --> 00:06:30,465
How about I loan you $5?
144
00:06:30,533 --> 00:06:33,832
It's at the bottom
of this jar of
barbed wire and salt.
145
00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:36,665
(GROANING)
146
00:06:36,733 --> 00:06:39,366
Why do you keep
these things together?
147
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:44,599
All right. Who wants to buy
some Peterotica?
10 bucks a pop.
148
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:45,732
I'll take one.
Me, too.
149
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:46,965
Hey, give me one of those.
150
00:06:47,034 --> 00:06:49,565
I look forward
to having a raging semi.
151
00:06:49,634 --> 00:06:50,765
Wow, Peter.
152
00:06:50,833 --> 00:06:52,765
You're going into
the publishing business?
153
00:06:52,834 --> 00:06:56,065
Yeah. Mr. Pewterschmidt
gave me $5
for these Xeroxes,
154
00:06:56,134 --> 00:06:57,966
and I haven't looked back.
155
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,399
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
156
00:07:19,467 --> 00:07:21,898
I'm such a huge fan
of Peterotica.
157
00:07:21,967 --> 00:07:23,532
There you go.
Thanks for reading.
158
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,032
Hi. Would you be offended
if I told you
159
00:07:26,101 --> 00:07:29,599
your prose suggests a male,
working-class version
of Emily Bronte?
160
00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:31,366
No. Would you be
offended if I said
161
00:07:31,434 --> 00:07:33,065
I'd like to use
your ass as a bongo drum?
162
00:07:33,134 --> 00:07:34,432
Yes.
163
00:07:34,501 --> 00:07:38,531
Well, then we are
on two different
wavelengths.
164
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,399
Peter Griffin.
Thanks for reading.
165
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,432
BETTY: Welcome to
Peterotica on tape.
166
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:54,599
I'm Betty White reading
The Hot Chick Who Was Italian
167
00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:58,032
or Maybe
Some Kind of Spanish,
by Peter Griffin.
168
00:07:58,101 --> 00:07:59,665
"Chapter One.
169
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:02,832
"Oh, God!
You should have seen
this one hot chick.
170
00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:05,132
"She was totally Italian
171
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,264
"or maybe
some kind of Spanish."
172
00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:09,365
Oh, yeah.
Getting hot in here.
173
00:08:09,434 --> 00:08:11,699
I better take my shirt off.
174
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:13,165
(TIRES SCREECHING)
175
00:08:13,233 --> 00:08:14,365
(SCREAMING)
176
00:08:17,967 --> 00:08:21,232
Wow. You know,
from the other side,
that's kind of annoying.
177
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,832
Happy birthday, darling.
178
00:08:25,901 --> 00:08:29,632
Oh, honey, a fur coat.
Thank you.
179
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:32,665
Well, it's not real fur.
It's actually
made from bald eagle.
180
00:08:32,734 --> 00:08:34,365
And it's weather-treated
with a mixture
181
00:08:34,433 --> 00:08:36,531
of whale skin oil
and children's tears.
182
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:37,732
(DOORBELL RINGING)
183
00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:39,233
Yes?
184
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,631
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I'm Scott Greenberg,
Attorney at Law.
185
00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:44,199
My client was injured
listening to this audio book.
186
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:46,731
We're suing you
for every penny
you've got.
187
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,065
What? Why?
188
00:08:48,134 --> 00:08:49,398
You're liable as publisher.
189
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:51,464
I'm here to seize
your assets.
190
00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:55,999
Griffin.
191
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,865
Well, Mr. Greenberg,
I'd like to see you
try to seize my assets
192
00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:00,932
after battling the rancor.
193
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:27,499
Huh. Didn't realize
Greenberg was a Jedi name.
194
00:09:29,801 --> 00:09:31,965
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
195
00:09:32,034 --> 00:09:34,799
ANNOUNCER: And now,
back to Blind Justice.
196
00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:39,198
(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)
197
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:42,765
I need you to go down
to 54th and Main,
talk to the suspect's wife.
198
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,231
While you're there,
see if you can get
199
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:45,965
a sample of his hair
to match his DNA.
200
00:09:46,034 --> 00:09:47,798
All right. I'm on it.
201
00:09:51,868 --> 00:09:53,799
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
202
00:09:53,868 --> 00:09:54,865
(COCKING GUN)
203
00:09:54,934 --> 00:09:56,365
Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Hello, Peter.
204
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:59,032
What's up?
Good. Oh, damn it!
I mean, not much.
205
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,098
What you got there?
Oh, this? It's a gun.
206
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,065
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I'm going to kill you.
207
00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:04,698
Daddy, what are you doing?
208
00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:08,099
Your fat,
bastard husband ruined me!
I lost my home, my money,
209
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:10,432
and perhaps just as serious,
my wife left me!
210
00:10:10,501 --> 00:10:11,765
Mom left you?
211
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:13,599
Yeah. She ran off
with Ted Turner.
212
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:15,032
God only knows
what they're doing.
213
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,432
Should we give
Elmo a bath?
Yeah.
214
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:19,632
Should we give
Telly a bath?
Yeah!
215
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,965
Should we give
Ernie a bath?
No.
216
00:10:22,034 --> 00:10:24,098
Ernie doesn't like
the monsters.
217
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,765
Look, you can stay
with us if you want,
you filthy hobo.
218
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:27,932
You shouldn't be
embarrassed
219
00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:29,765
about mooching off
your kids at age 70.
220
00:10:29,834 --> 00:10:32,198
Go to hell, fathead!
Have I used that one?
221
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:33,732
No, I haven't.
Yeah, fathead.
222
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,632
Daddy, don't talk
to Peter like that.
223
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,732
All you've done
his whole life
is treat him like crap,
224
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,298
and now he's offering
to help you.
225
00:10:39,367 --> 00:10:40,832
The least you can do
is be grateful.
226
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:42,065
Oh, all right.
227
00:10:42,134 --> 00:10:43,732
Then it's settled.
You're staying with us.
228
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,032
I promise
you'll love it here,
229
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,632
even more than
Julia Roberts
loves herself.
230
00:10:47,701 --> 00:10:49,999
Hi, I'm Julia Roberts.
231
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,532
You know,
a lot of people died
in the tsunami.
232
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,865
But don't worry. I didn't.
233
00:10:54,934 --> 00:10:58,531
And I'll be here
to entertain you
and love my life
234
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,066
for many, many years to come.
235
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:03,698
Me!
236
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:05,266
Me!
237
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,598
Me!
238
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,599
(LAUGHING)
239
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,565
Daddy, you're not dressed!
240
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,632
Huh? Oh, yeah.
I couldn't figure
that one out.
241
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:19,931
I used to have
a guy for that.
242
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,999
Mom, I can't believe
you came out of that belly.
243
00:11:26,034 --> 00:11:28,632
(SNIFFING)
Um, what is that?
244
00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:31,132
Daddy? Did you, um,
245
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,299
use the bathroom
this morning?
246
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:37,299
Yeah.
And did you remember
to clean up afterwards?
247
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,432
Uh, no.
I was hoping you would...
248
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,365
Oh, Daddy. No. No.
Okay.
249
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:44,765
Brian?
Oh, God!
No. No. No, no, no.
250
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:46,131
I'll do it.
251
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,932
Daddy, I never thought
you'd be so lost
without your money.
252
00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:50,632
(SIGHING)
You're right, Lois.
253
00:11:50,701 --> 00:11:53,232
Who the hell am I kidding?
I can't live like this.
254
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,065
I should never
have come here.
255
00:11:55,134 --> 00:11:57,865
Oh, I hate to see
Daddy like this.
256
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,065
Maybe there's something
you can do to help
cheer him up.
257
00:12:00,134 --> 00:12:02,232
Don't worry, Lois.
I know just what to do.
258
00:12:02,301 --> 00:12:05,766
I am gonna teach your father
how to be a regular guy.
259
00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:07,132
You think you can do that?
260
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,632
Sure. I've steered our family
through bigger problems.
261
00:12:09,701 --> 00:12:12,598
Like when we were
cartoon sketches
on The Tracey Ullman Show.
262
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:15,132
Well,
that's the end of Puss.
263
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:17,631
He was the best cat
anyone ever had.
264
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:20,866
Hey, Lois, what do you say
we go downtown and buy a dog?
265
00:12:20,934 --> 00:12:22,866
Hey, wait a minute.
You already have a dog.
266
00:12:22,934 --> 00:12:24,032
So long, Puss.
267
00:12:24,101 --> 00:12:25,132
We'll miss you.
268
00:12:25,201 --> 00:12:26,799
It's gonna be
quite a different place
269
00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:28,798
with him gone.
That's for true.
270
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,165
All right, Kathy.
It looks like Stewie Griffin
271
00:12:34,234 --> 00:12:36,998
is preparing to begin
the floor routine.
That's right, Mitch.
272
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,665
And as we watch
Griffin doing this,
273
00:12:38,734 --> 00:12:42,432
I want to remind everyone
that this is absolutely
not gay.
274
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:44,165
♪♪(MUSIC PLAYING)
275
00:12:57,633 --> 00:12:59,098
Boy, that was really gay.
276
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:01,498
No, no!
Didn't you just hear
the announcers?
277
00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:03,165
They said it's not gay.
278
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:05,165
Stewie one, you zero.
279
00:13:05,234 --> 00:13:06,498
What are we doing here?
280
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,531
Listen, I know you're upset
about losing your money.
281
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,665
So I wanted to show you
it's not so bad
living like a regular guy.
282
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:21,532
So these people live here?
No, this is a bus.
283
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,133
People ride it to get places
that they need to go.
284
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,331
You look familiar.
285
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,699
I was your gardener
for 12 years.
286
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,198
Oh. You look different
without my lawn under you.
287
00:13:31,266 --> 00:13:33,166
I don't take the lawn
with me when I go.
288
00:13:33,233 --> 00:13:36,965
Well, I was right
to trust you with it then.
289
00:13:37,034 --> 00:13:39,298
And this is called
waiting in line
at the movies.
290
00:13:39,366 --> 00:13:40,731
It's what us
regular people do.
291
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:42,932
Trust me.
It makes it that
much more special
292
00:13:43,001 --> 00:13:45,032
when we finally get inside
and see Renee Zellweger
293
00:13:45,101 --> 00:13:47,332
doing her whole
scrunch-face routine.
294
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,698
ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,
295
00:13:48,768 --> 00:13:50,565
Jude Law and Renee Zellweger
296
00:13:50,634 --> 00:13:51,932
in The Picnic.
297
00:13:52,001 --> 00:13:55,331
Oh, no. These ants
are ruining our picnic.
298
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,565
You mean this picnic
is ruining our ants.
299
00:13:58,634 --> 00:14:01,498
♪ Look around your world,
pretty baby ♪
300
00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:05,333
♪ Is it everything
you hoped it'd be? ♪♪
301
00:14:07,266 --> 00:14:10,032
You know, Peter,
what you showed me today
was just awful.
302
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,698
What are you talking about?
303
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:13,965
I really don't see
what's so great about
being a regular person.
304
00:14:14,034 --> 00:14:16,365
The bus smells like crap,
the movie theater is sticky,
305
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:19,032
and Renee Zellweger
should only be
the cute friend at best.
306
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,532
You know,
I never thought
about it till now,
307
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,132
but maybe being
a regular person
does suck.
308
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,132
My God.
Is this what my whole life
is destined to be?
309
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,732
Not unless
you do something
about it.
310
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,065
Yeah. But what?
311
00:14:30,134 --> 00:14:33,432
Carter, hand me
my thinking grenades.
312
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:34,599
Where did you get these?
313
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:36,765
(SHUSHING)
Carter, I'm thinking.
314
00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:40,499
(EXPLOSION)
Uh-huh.
315
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,999
MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead!
316
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,598
That might work.
317
00:14:47,134 --> 00:14:48,465
What's happening?
318
00:14:48,534 --> 00:14:50,065
I got it!
319
00:14:50,134 --> 00:14:53,632
Carter, somehow
you and me are gonna
find a way to get rich.
320
00:14:53,701 --> 00:14:55,132
Now you're talking
my language.
321
00:14:55,201 --> 00:14:56,632
All right, then, let's do it!
322
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:58,565
(DOORBELL RINGING)
323
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:00,565
Hi. I'm Betty White.
324
00:15:00,634 --> 00:15:03,632
I just got a subpoena
regarding an erotic novel,
325
00:15:03,701 --> 00:15:06,531
and I'm looking
for the son of a bitch
responsible.
326
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:13,731
All right, Peter,
how are we gonna do this?
How are we gonna get rich?
327
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:15,531
Well, I say we start out
small, Carter.
328
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,065
Here's my plan.
329
00:15:17,134 --> 00:15:20,498
I'll distract Lois
while you steal money
from her purse.
330
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:22,331
Lois, look at me!
Look at me! Look at me!
331
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,265
(LAUGHING)
332
00:15:24,334 --> 00:15:26,866
(BABBLING)
333
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,199
Cacaw! I've got
her wallet! Cacaw!
334
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,798
Daddy, what are you doing?
335
00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:37,432
Look at the unicycle.
336
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,598
Well, she's got $10 in here.
337
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:43,232
And it cost me $900
for the 6 weeks
of unicycle lessons.
338
00:15:43,301 --> 00:15:45,065
So we're a little
in the red right now.
339
00:15:45,134 --> 00:15:48,366
But you got to spend money
to make money, champ.
Moving on.
340
00:15:51,134 --> 00:15:53,966
All right.
Now we play it cool.
341
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:56,299
Hey, Meg.
Uh, we're trying
to make some money.
342
00:15:56,368 --> 00:15:58,099
And, um...
343
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:00,966
Would you like
to buy some pot
from your granddaddy and me?
344
00:16:01,034 --> 00:16:03,632
Um, wow! Sure.
345
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:05,698
Oh, fantastic.
346
00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:07,199
What the hell
was that for?
347
00:16:07,268 --> 00:16:09,364
Now we have the pot
and the money.
348
00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:12,432
You sure this is
gonna work, Peter?
349
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,598
All I know is
there's a lot of money
to be made
350
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,465
in these stupid teen dramas
they keep putting on TV.
351
00:16:17,534 --> 00:16:19,398
And we're gonna
get our share.
352
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,498
♪♪(HUMMING)
353
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,665
♪ I don't wanna wait ♪
354
00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:31,698
♪ For my lunch to get colder ♪
355
00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:35,564
♪ Why can't I eat it now? ♪
356
00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:37,598
♪ I don't want to wait ♪
357
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:38,999
♪♪(HUMMING)
358
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:41,132
♪ The new Toyota ♪
359
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:44,965
♪ I want a car
that's got a lot of gas ♪♪
360
00:16:45,034 --> 00:16:47,632
Come on, Joey.
I wanna be with you.
361
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:50,432
Dawson, I'm just not ready
to give up my virginity.
362
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,265
Come on.
No!
363
00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:55,032
I promised myself
that I'd save it
for the man that I marry.
364
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,632
Come on. That's stupid.
365
00:16:56,701 --> 00:16:59,265
I'm--I'm just not comfortable,
you know?
Well, I don't...
366
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:00,932
This--This is, like,
the '90s, man.
367
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,999
I mean, like, everybody...
368
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,698
Come on.
You saw me on that boat.
I was wearing a blazer.
369
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:08,699
Huh? Come on.
No! I just...
370
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:10,899
I--I don't want to! All right?
I don't want to right now!
371
00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:12,331
I told you
I'm not comfortable.
372
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,899
I think
you could respect that.
373
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,264
You know?
I do respect.
I totally respect it.
374
00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:18,631
That just makes me
want you more, you know?
375
00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:21,464
Come on, man. Let's just...
Let's just go nuts.
Let's just...
376
00:17:21,533 --> 00:17:23,765
No, I said... I don't...
Come on!
377
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,565
I don't want... No!
No! Peter, stop!
Just stop! All right!
378
00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:27,765
Turn off the camera!
379
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:29,465
God, I'm sorry,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
380
00:17:29,534 --> 00:17:31,265
I don't want to
do this anymore,
all right?
381
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,632
You know what?
You went too far.
382
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:34,065
What?
You went too far.
383
00:17:34,134 --> 00:17:35,299
That's his character.
That's how...
384
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:36,399
I mean,
he's that kind of...
385
00:17:36,467 --> 00:17:37,598
No! Forget it. Forget it.
386
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:38,899
You know what?
It's just weird, man.
387
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:40,098
It's just weird.
You're weird.
388
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:41,565
All right?
Just get off it.
389
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:43,832
Let's just do something else
to make money.
390
00:17:43,901 --> 00:17:45,498
And we will be back.
391
00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:52,832
Stand back, Brian.
I'm preparing for my vault.
392
00:17:52,901 --> 00:17:55,431
You can't vault
inside the living room.
You're gonna get hurt.
393
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,765
Yeah. I'll get hurt
right onto a Wheaties box.
394
00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:58,899
I don't see that happening.
395
00:17:58,968 --> 00:18:00,398
Yeah?
Who cares what you say?
396
00:18:00,467 --> 00:18:02,765
You're a dog.
You can't see colors.
397
00:18:02,834 --> 00:18:05,665
Which means
you can't see the colors
of the American flag.
398
00:18:05,734 --> 00:18:06,832
Commie.
399
00:18:11,434 --> 00:18:14,065
(SIGHING)
I think I'm okay.
400
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,565
(SCREAMING)
401
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,232
Oh, God! Somebody!
402
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,832
Do I take it out
or do I leave it in?
403
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:28,465
Do I take it out
or do I leave it in?
404
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,198
Got it! We'll rob a train.
Love it.
405
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,165
All aboard.
406
00:18:43,233 --> 00:18:45,099
All right, everybody.
This is a...
407
00:18:45,168 --> 00:18:46,565
Hey, where the hell
is everybody?
408
00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:48,665
Oh, we haven't had
a paying customer in months.
409
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:50,899
Nobody rides
the train anymore.
410
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,732
Oh, well, for God's sake!
411
00:18:52,801 --> 00:18:55,765
Uh, are...
Are you robbers?
412
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,366
Yeah.
413
00:18:57,434 --> 00:18:59,065
Well, you could,
you could take my wallet.
414
00:18:59,134 --> 00:19:01,466
My MasterCard's in there.
Although, to be honest,
415
00:19:01,534 --> 00:19:04,565
I'll probably just cancel it
before you can use it.
So...
416
00:19:04,633 --> 00:19:06,565
Oh, um...
417
00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:08,865
Give me that hole punch!
418
00:19:08,934 --> 00:19:10,798
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
419
00:19:10,867 --> 00:19:13,398
Is this-- Is this
your hole punch or the--
or the train company's?
420
00:19:13,467 --> 00:19:14,665
Well, that's...
You know what?
421
00:19:14,734 --> 00:19:16,232
I got-- I got
to pay for that.
422
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,465
That--That comes out
of my paycheck
if you-- if you take it.
423
00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:19,665
Oh, oh, really?
424
00:19:19,734 --> 00:19:21,132
Uh...
Yeah.
425
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,165
Well, I can't
in all good conscience
take that, then.
426
00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:25,665
Oh, oh, good. Uh, thank you.
Thank you, that's...
Yeah. Yeah.
427
00:19:25,734 --> 00:19:27,632
No. I'm--I'm,
I'm a working man myself.
428
00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:28,765
No. It's tough out there.
Yeah.
429
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:29,865
You know, you can't...
430
00:19:29,934 --> 00:19:32,532
You got to find a way.
It's tough, it is.
431
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:34,332
All right.
Well, uh, can you
stop this thing
432
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:35,465
so we can get off?
433
00:19:35,534 --> 00:19:37,965
Uh, no. I mean,
I-- I'd love to.
434
00:19:38,034 --> 00:19:40,432
Uh, but it--it stops at
the predesignated stops.
435
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:43,165
You know, I don't,
I don't have control,
you know, over that.
436
00:19:43,234 --> 00:19:44,532
Oh.
That's the engineer
who does that stuff.
437
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:45,699
Well, how...
438
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:47,865
Uh, well,
how much are our tickets?
439
00:19:47,933 --> 00:19:50,632
Well, for this, this is a
first--first-class cabin.
440
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,065
It's, uh, 25 bucks.
441
00:19:52,134 --> 00:19:54,132
Wow! And we're the robbers.
442
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,431
Um, okay, uh, uh.
How much is coach?
443
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,165
Uh, $12 for coach.
444
00:19:58,233 --> 00:19:59,265
Well, he's a senior...
445
00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:00,731
You know what?
That-- That's fine.
446
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,098
Just give me
2 coach tickets.
447
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:04,431
All right, thank you.
448
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,765
Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia!
come to the Oakdale?
449
00:20:06,834 --> 00:20:08,765
Oh, yeah. What...
Just a week ago, I think.
450
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:11,032
Oh, wow! We--We should go.
Do you want to...
451
00:20:11,101 --> 00:20:12,365
You want to
go see Mamma Mia?
452
00:20:12,434 --> 00:20:15,332
Peter, could I speak to you
over by the door?
453
00:20:17,867 --> 00:20:19,231
Good as new.
454
00:20:20,067 --> 00:20:21,632
Oh, come on!
455
00:20:24,067 --> 00:20:25,432
I give up.
456
00:20:25,501 --> 00:20:27,799
We're gonna be
lower middle-class
Americans forever.
457
00:20:27,868 --> 00:20:29,665
A fate worse than death.
458
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:31,732
Seriously,
we may as well just be dead.
459
00:20:31,801 --> 00:20:33,765
You know what, Peter?
That's not true.
460
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:36,464
In the time
we've spent together,
I've learned something.
461
00:20:36,533 --> 00:20:39,264
When you're rich,
you don't own
your possessions,
462
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:41,066
your possessions own you.
463
00:20:41,134 --> 00:20:42,698
Oh, Carter, darling!
464
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:44,298
Babs, sweetheart!
465
00:20:44,366 --> 00:20:46,099
Honey, we're rich again.
466
00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:48,565
I divorced Ted Turner
and took half his money.
467
00:20:48,634 --> 00:20:50,532
We own half of CNN.
468
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:52,199
(EXCLAIMING)
And TNT.
469
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,498
Neat!
470
00:20:53,566 --> 00:20:56,132
All right, buddy,
we did it! We're rich!
"We"?
471
00:20:56,201 --> 00:20:57,832
Go to hell,
you fat peasant!
472
00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,299
Oh, crap!
473
00:20:59,368 --> 00:21:02,698
Peter, listen to me.
Money doesn't matter.
474
00:21:02,767 --> 00:21:05,899
10 years ago Daddy offered
to give us $10 million,
475
00:21:05,967 --> 00:21:07,365
and I turned it down.
476
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,532
What?
Yes.
477
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,198
And I'll always
turn it down
478
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:12,866
because money just
complicates everything.
479
00:21:12,934 --> 00:21:15,965
We don't need money
because we have each other.
480
00:21:16,034 --> 00:21:18,865
Happiness isn't about
buying expensive things,
481
00:21:18,933 --> 00:21:21,098
it's about being together.
482
00:21:21,167 --> 00:21:23,999
It's not about
taking expensive trips.
483
00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:27,464
It's about
holding each other
during a thunderstorm.
484
00:21:27,533 --> 00:21:30,099
And we have that kind
of happiness, Peter.
485
00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:33,598
Real happiness
because we have
each other.
486
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,132
Yeah.