1
00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,766
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,965
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:38,298
Oh, Brian, we're so thrilled
your gay cousin, Jasper,
11
00:00:38,367 --> 00:00:40,032
finally decided
to come visit.
12
00:00:40,101 --> 00:00:41,632
Me, too.
It's been way too long.
13
00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:42,765
Anyway,
thanks for putting him up.
14
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:43,965
No problem, Brian.
15
00:00:44,034 --> 00:00:45,198
It's great to have visitors.
16
00:00:45,267 --> 00:00:47,231
Except for that time
Moby-Dick stayed with us.
17
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,332
Do you have any Raisin Bran?
18
00:00:49,401 --> 00:00:51,665
Uh, oh, no, sorry.
19
00:00:51,734 --> 00:00:52,932
(SIGHS)
20
00:00:53,001 --> 00:00:55,165
Well, can you go
get me some?
21
00:00:55,234 --> 00:00:57,598
Uh, boy, that's kind of
a pain in the...
22
00:00:57,667 --> 00:00:59,098
(STUTTERING) We do have...
23
00:00:59,167 --> 00:01:00,865
We got Total,
and we got some raisins.
24
00:01:00,934 --> 00:01:02,932
I mean, you could,
like, mix those together.
25
00:01:03,001 --> 00:01:04,398
I mean, it would be kind
of like Raisin Bran.
26
00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:05,799
Mmm, yeah, but it's not.
27
00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:08,066
It would be like Raisin Bran,
but it's not Raisin Bran.
28
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:09,465
That would be like
Total with raisins in it.
29
00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:10,799
That's just
splitting hairs here.
30
00:01:10,867 --> 00:01:13,298
It's not really
doing it for me.
31
00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,632
What time did you say
your flight was?
32
00:01:18,733 --> 00:01:21,765
Oh, no locks.
Thank you, Homeland Security.
33
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,932
Hey, bud, take a break.
I'll take over.
Go smoke a fatty.
34
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,898
Thanks.
35
00:01:27,967 --> 00:01:30,132
MAN ON RADIO: This is
Sierra Tango 817,
36
00:01:30,201 --> 00:01:31,498
Matthew McConaughey's
private jet,
37
00:01:31,567 --> 00:01:32,866
requesting
permission to land.
38
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:34,166
Matthew McConaughey?
39
00:01:34,235 --> 00:01:36,099
Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817.
40
00:01:36,168 --> 00:01:37,866
All our runways are filled.
41
00:01:37,934 --> 00:01:40,199
But it looks
empty from up here.
We're almost out of fuel.
42
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:41,498
No, no. No room at all.
43
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,431
But, lucky for you,
there's a big, new airport
44
00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:44,765
out in
the middle of the ocean.
45
00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:45,899
Keep going.
You can't miss it.
46
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:47,164
Roger that.
47
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:48,498
(BEEPING)
48
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,364
Oops.
Well, look at it this way.
49
00:01:50,433 --> 00:01:52,999
I just got you on next year's
Oscar telecast.
50
00:01:53,068 --> 00:01:55,465
You'll be right after
Ron Howard!
51
00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:56,765
Just messing with you, Ron.
52
00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:58,431
Or maybe not!
53
00:01:58,500 --> 00:01:59,765
No, seriously, I am.
54
00:01:59,833 --> 00:02:00,865
Or am I?
55
00:02:00,934 --> 00:02:02,565
No.
56
00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:03,998
Oh, there's Jasper's plane.
57
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,464
Where?
Third one in line.
58
00:02:05,533 --> 00:02:07,899
Oh, it's one of them
new niche airlines.
59
00:02:09,534 --> 00:02:10,932
(TIRES SCREECHING)
60
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,299
Hey, Cousin!
61
00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:17,066
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper!
62
00:02:17,133 --> 00:02:20,499
Everybody, this is Ricardo,
from the Philippines
and my kitchen floor.
63
00:02:20,567 --> 00:02:21,698
How was your flight?
64
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:24,131
Oh, torture!
Five hours on my moneymaker,
65
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,999
sitting across
from a gaggle of sailors
flying home on leave.
66
00:02:27,068 --> 00:02:28,699
Here I am
in a committed relationship,
67
00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:30,999
and all I can think about
is having a piece
of Navy cake.
68
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,665
"Hello.
Who's that on the phone?"
"Temptation!"
69
00:02:33,733 --> 00:02:35,598
How does he
always get my number?
I don't know.
70
00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:39,199
Anyway, I got big news,
and I'll tell you over dinner.
Greek. On me.
71
00:02:39,268 --> 00:02:40,665
But enough
about last weekend.
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00:02:40,734 --> 00:02:42,099
(CHUCKLES) I'm terrible!
73
00:02:42,168 --> 00:02:44,498
(EXCLAIMS) This idiot
will fit in with our family
74
00:02:44,566 --> 00:02:46,799
as badly as Peter
fit in with The Proclaimers.
75
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:50,198
♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪
76
00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:53,932
♪ And I would walk 500 more ♪
77
00:02:54,001 --> 00:02:58,331
♪ Just to be the man
who walks a thousand miles ♪
78
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,065
♪ To fall down at your door ♪
79
00:03:01,134 --> 00:03:02,998
THE PROCLAIMERS: ♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da ♪
80
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,932
THE PROCLAIMERS: ♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da ♪
81
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:06,665
THE PROCLAIMERS: ♪ Da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪♪
82
00:03:06,734 --> 00:03:08,465
I'm singing! I'm singing!
83
00:03:12,967 --> 00:03:15,398
Hey, Chris, this field trip
is your chance, man.
84
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:17,265
Alyssa is all alone.
85
00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:22,632
She's so pretty
that if your Hacky Sack
were my private parts,
86
00:03:22,701 --> 00:03:24,632
I'd let her do that to them.
87
00:03:24,701 --> 00:03:26,565
What? Kick them around?
88
00:03:26,634 --> 00:03:29,865
Um, wait. Yes.
89
00:03:29,934 --> 00:03:32,298
Welcome, citizens.
Today we commemorate
90
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:36,832
those brave Quahog soldiers
who perished
in the recent Gulf conflict.
91
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:39,799
I can think
of no greater tribute
to their memories
92
00:03:39,867 --> 00:03:41,866
than this solid gold statue
93
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:45,399
of Dig 'Em,
the Sugar Smacks frog.
94
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:47,198
(CROWD MURMURING)
MAN: What is that?
95
00:03:47,266 --> 00:03:51,298
The spirit of America
is epitomized
by his inspiring motto,
96
00:03:51,366 --> 00:03:53,799
"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack.
97
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:56,598
"Give me a smack,
and I'll smack you back."
98
00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:57,966
(ALL CHATTERING)
99
00:03:58,034 --> 00:03:59,699
I'd also like
to take this opportunity
100
00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:01,598
to announce
extreme budget cutbacks
101
00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:05,266
having almost nothing to do
with this solid gold statue.
102
00:04:07,134 --> 00:04:10,032
Have you ever seen
such a waste
of the taxpayers' money?
103
00:04:10,101 --> 00:04:11,531
You're talking to me!
104
00:04:11,601 --> 00:04:13,298
This is more exciting
than that time
105
00:04:13,366 --> 00:04:15,066
me and my friends
did mushrooms.
106
00:04:15,134 --> 00:04:16,999
This is gonna be awesome!
107
00:04:17,068 --> 00:04:18,331
You said it.
108
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,899
(IN DEEP VOICE) Man,
you guys feel anything yet?
109
00:04:21,968 --> 00:04:23,465
(IN DEEP VOICE)
I feel kind of funny.
110
00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:24,932
(IN DEEP VOICE)
I got a bellyache.
111
00:04:25,001 --> 00:04:26,998
We shouldn't
have did this, man.
112
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,199
Lois, darling,
those earrings are delicious.
Total kitsch.
113
00:04:33,268 --> 00:04:34,932
Like an Andy Warhol
wet dream.
114
00:04:35,001 --> 00:04:37,898
I'm opening a museum
and putting you in it,
they're that fabulous.
115
00:04:37,968 --> 00:04:39,999
You think it's clever
talking like that, do you?
116
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,199
You think it's funny?
117
00:04:41,268 --> 00:04:43,266
Talking about earrings,
and using words
118
00:04:43,334 --> 00:04:45,598
like "fabulous"
and "delicious" and "wet."
119
00:04:45,667 --> 00:04:47,264
What's next? A workout
120
00:04:47,333 --> 00:04:49,799
followed by a romp
around a crowded room
while the music goes...
121
00:04:49,867 --> 00:04:52,065
♪♪(IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC)
122
00:04:54,867 --> 00:04:56,265
Oh, why did you stop?
123
00:04:56,334 --> 00:04:57,698
Hey, Jasper,
let me ask you something.
124
00:04:57,768 --> 00:04:59,665
When you're in the shower
at the "Y,"
125
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:02,166
is-is that just like
Supermarket Sweep
for you guys,
126
00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:03,565
or is there
some kind of etiquette?
127
00:05:03,634 --> 00:05:05,165
Peter, stop it.
128
00:05:05,234 --> 00:05:07,198
God! You're more clueless
than Popeye.
129
00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:10,066
Sir, I think you should know
these growths
on your forearms,
130
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:11,431
they're giant tumors.
131
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:12,531
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
132
00:05:12,601 --> 00:05:13,665
Oh, dear.
133
00:05:13,734 --> 00:05:15,364
Yeah, I'm surprised
you haven't realized
134
00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:17,599
this is not how a human being
is supposed to look.
135
00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:19,966
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
136
00:05:20,034 --> 00:05:22,832
And the speech thing,
and what you're
doing with your eye...
137
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:25,398
Uh, you had a stroke
about seven years ago.
138
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:29,565
That you've managed
to be walking around
all this time
139
00:05:29,634 --> 00:05:31,532
is nothing
short of a miracle.
140
00:05:32,534 --> 00:05:34,032
I'd say about two months.
141
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,333
Okay, all right,
time for
the big announcement.
142
00:05:36,401 --> 00:05:39,899
Everyone, Ricardo and I
are getting married!
143
00:05:39,968 --> 00:05:41,532
Oh, that is terrific!
144
00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:43,098
It's about time
you two settled down.
145
00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:44,232
Oh, you hear that, Meg?
146
00:05:44,301 --> 00:05:45,966
Guys can marry
other guys now.
147
00:05:46,034 --> 00:05:48,665
So... This is awkward,
but, uh,
148
00:05:48,734 --> 00:05:52,199
I mean, if they can do that,
that's pretty much
it for you, isn't it?
149
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,999
I mean, you might as well
pack it in. Game over.
150
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,698
Alyssa, hi.
151
00:05:59,767 --> 00:06:03,799
I--I was wondering
if maybe you wanted
to do something sometime?
152
00:06:03,867 --> 00:06:05,465
Sure, Chris.
153
00:06:05,534 --> 00:06:07,699
I have a Young Republicans
meeting after school.
You wanna come?
154
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:11,098
Oh, sure.
W-What do you do at
a Young Republicans meeting?
155
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:13,932
We help those
who already have
the means to help themselves.
156
00:06:14,001 --> 00:06:15,965
Also, we perpetuate the ideal
157
00:06:16,034 --> 00:06:19,232
that Jesus chose America
to destroy nonbelievers
and brown people.
158
00:06:19,301 --> 00:06:22,766
I don't understand
what you're saying,
but somehow I feel safer.
159
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:28,699
Karl, this is Chris.
160
00:06:28,768 --> 00:06:29,932
He wants to join our club.
161
00:06:30,001 --> 00:06:31,332
Karl is our chancellor.
162
00:06:31,401 --> 00:06:33,199
Well, Chris,
we'd be happy to have you.
163
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,732
There's just
one little rite of initiation.
164
00:06:36,533 --> 00:06:38,698
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
165
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:42,365
♪ Oh, this is one fine day
to be nude ♪
166
00:06:42,434 --> 00:06:45,498
♪ Yeah, this is one fine day
to be nude ♪
167
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,998
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
168
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:50,298
♪ The birds are singing,
"Clinton, have a
wonderful spring" ♪
169
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:51,765
♪ And people walking by ♪
170
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:53,531
♪ Can stop
and look at my thing ♪
171
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,365
♪ Oh, this is one fine day ♪♪
172
00:06:55,434 --> 00:06:57,731
Liberal chubby chaser!
173
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:58,865
(LAUGHING)
174
00:06:58,934 --> 00:07:00,699
Well, if you can't
laugh at yourself...
175
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,665
(SHOUTING)
176
00:07:05,533 --> 00:07:08,099
I'm here at the parking lot
outside city hall,
177
00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:10,099
where hundreds of citizens
have come out in protest
178
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:13,333
of the Mayor's decision
to spend the town's treasury
on a gold frog.
179
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,865
I don't like it.
180
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:18,266
And I don't like
the contraction
apostrophe-E-M.
181
00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:21,698
As far as I'm concerned,
his name is Dig Them.
182
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:23,965
You're not welcome here,
Dig Them.
183
00:07:24,034 --> 00:07:25,799
I stand behind my decision.
184
00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:27,799
This press conference
is over.
185
00:07:27,867 --> 00:07:30,699
I can't see you now.
I can't hear you now.
You're not here now.
186
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:33,931
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la ♪♪
187
00:07:34,001 --> 00:07:36,465
Well, there you have it.
Back to you, Tom.
188
00:07:39,734 --> 00:07:41,766
Thanks, Tom.
Some damn fine reporting.
189
00:07:41,834 --> 00:07:43,465
Damn fine. Diane?
190
00:07:43,534 --> 00:07:45,299
Well,
it's encouraging to know
191
00:07:45,367 --> 00:07:48,732
that I'm not
the only Mayor West
who's facing difficulties.
192
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,199
But what I need now
is a diversion.
193
00:07:51,268 --> 00:07:52,465
Let's see.
194
00:07:59,001 --> 00:08:01,166
Mmm. "Jingle keys."
195
00:08:02,001 --> 00:08:03,431
(CROWD SHOUTING)
196
00:08:06,601 --> 00:08:09,298
My God! I'm a tomato!
197
00:08:11,634 --> 00:08:14,464
MALE REPORTER: And now back to
The Sound of Music.
198
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:22,065
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
199
00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:23,465
Oh, thank heaven.
200
00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:25,099
The von Trapp family escaped!
201
00:08:25,168 --> 00:08:27,166
Reverend Mother,
I have sinned.
202
00:08:27,235 --> 00:08:29,298
What is this sin, my child?
203
00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:32,032
Oh, well. No harm done.
204
00:08:32,101 --> 00:08:33,899
I too have sinned, Mother.
205
00:08:33,967 --> 00:08:35,464
Oh, my God!
206
00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:36,532
That's Rolfe!
207
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,165
What the hell
is wrong with you?
208
00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:40,632
Hey,
I didn't start this war,
but it's on!
209
00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:43,432
Oh, Lois, there you are.
210
00:08:43,501 --> 00:08:45,266
Listen,
Ricardo and I wanna thank you
211
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:47,032
for letting us
have the wedding here.
212
00:08:47,101 --> 00:08:49,798
Oh! You're--You're having
the wedding here?
213
00:08:49,868 --> 00:08:52,165
Yeah.
I hope that's okay, Lois.
I offered them the house.
214
00:08:52,234 --> 00:08:55,398
Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem.
215
00:08:55,467 --> 00:08:57,232
Hey, McButt the Crime Dog,
216
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:59,731
I heard you
and your little chew toy
getting it on last night.
217
00:08:59,801 --> 00:09:00,865
Keep it down.
218
00:09:00,934 --> 00:09:01,932
Sorry, little man.
219
00:09:02,001 --> 00:09:03,498
Ricardo and I
were playing Clue,
220
00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:06,032
and he got me in the bedroom
with a lead pipe.
221
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,832
Peter,
I'm not sure I'm comfortable
222
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:09,564
having this wedding
at the house.
223
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:12,166
Lois, I don't know
what the big deal is.
So they're gay.
224
00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:15,799
It's not like we're gonna have
a gay sex orgy
in the living room.
225
00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:20,398
That's not
what I'm talking about.
226
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,298
I've got nothing
against homosexuals.
227
00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:24,798
I mean, I'll watch anything
with David Schwimmer.
228
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:28,331
But the idea of two men
actually getting married,
229
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,999
it just doesn't seem right.
230
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:31,632
Hey,
I say who cares, you know?
231
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:34,065
If gays wanna get married
and be miserable
like the rest of us,
232
00:09:34,134 --> 00:09:35,232
I say we should let them.
233
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:36,831
JASPER: Oh, no!
234
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:38,665
What's wrong?
Look.
235
00:09:38,734 --> 00:09:40,966
Some breaking news today
when Mayor West
announced he will sign
236
00:09:41,034 --> 00:09:43,598
a citywide ban
on gay marriages next week.
237
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,331
While controversial,
it has nonetheless
238
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,166
effectively
distracted all of us
from the Dig 'Em fiasco.
239
00:09:48,235 --> 00:09:50,365
The what?
I don't know.
Something about a lizard.
240
00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:51,799
And now this.
241
00:09:51,868 --> 00:09:53,431
Look at that.
242
00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:55,498
In the '30s, they called this
an Uncle Spinny Dervish.
243
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,266
Really?
I don't know. I'm just bored.
244
00:09:57,334 --> 00:10:00,099
A ban on gay marriage?
Oh, my God!
245
00:10:00,168 --> 00:10:01,532
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
246
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:03,832
Matthew McConaughey?
247
00:10:03,901 --> 00:10:05,732
Yeah, I'm looking
for a guy named Stewie.
248
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:06,966
(EXCLAIMS)
249
00:10:07,034 --> 00:10:08,531
Chris, grab his legs.
I gotta bury this thing.
250
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,565
But I...
Grab his legs!
251
00:10:17,134 --> 00:10:19,498
I can't believe
the wedding's off.
252
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:21,232
All I ever wanted
was to get married
253
00:10:21,301 --> 00:10:23,765
and make a home
with a skinny,
hairless Filipino boy.
254
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:25,299
Isn't that
the American dream?
255
00:10:25,368 --> 00:10:26,799
Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper.
256
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,598
Mayor West
only banned gay marriage
257
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,699
so he could distract
from the Dig 'Em scandal.
258
00:10:30,767 --> 00:10:32,132
He won't get away with it.
259
00:10:32,201 --> 00:10:34,365
Oh, Jasper, where'd you get
these brownies?
260
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:37,032
They're from a bakery
in the West Quahog
gay district.
261
00:10:37,101 --> 00:10:39,032
I thought
they'd help my depression.
262
00:10:39,101 --> 00:10:43,465
Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God,
they pack so much fudge
into these.
263
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:46,132
And--And look at this.
There's even a couple of nuts
lodged in there.
264
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,498
I'm going upstairs.
265
00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:49,032
Oh, I've got to do something.
266
00:10:49,101 --> 00:10:51,465
Jasper's always
been there for me
when I've needed him.
267
00:10:51,534 --> 00:10:53,899
I am gonna make Mayor West
change his mind.
268
00:10:53,968 --> 00:10:57,665
But, Brian, the Bible says
gay marriage
is an abomination.
269
00:10:57,734 --> 00:10:59,765
Oh, don't give me
that Young Republican crap,
Chris.
270
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:02,431
The Bible also says
a senior citizen built an ark
271
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,631
and rounded up
two of every animal.
272
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,465
Hey.
Yeah?
273
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,466
What the hell is this?
274
00:11:10,534 --> 00:11:13,866
Oh, you didn't really give
any specific guidelines
about mating.
275
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,165
Did you name it?
What?
276
00:11:15,234 --> 00:11:16,299
Did you name it?
277
00:11:16,368 --> 00:11:17,899
Uh, yeah, he's Paul.
278
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,999
Yeah? Well, it's gonna be
a hell of a lot harder
for you now,
279
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,532
because he's going
the fuck overboard.
280
00:11:22,601 --> 00:11:23,798
(DOORBELL RINGING)
281
00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:24,999
Hi, Glenn.
282
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,699
Uh, hey, will you sign
a petition to overturn
283
00:11:26,768 --> 00:11:28,432
Mayor West's ban
on gay marriage?
284
00:11:28,501 --> 00:11:30,132
Gay marriage? Oh, come on,
285
00:11:30,201 --> 00:11:31,899
two halves can't make a whole
without a hole.
286
00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:33,465
Giggity Giggity
Giggity Giggity.
287
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:36,165
♪ Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah,
ting-tang-
walla-walla-bing-bang ♪
288
00:11:36,233 --> 00:11:39,065
♪ Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah,
ting-tang-
walla-walla-bing-bang ♪♪
289
00:11:39,134 --> 00:11:41,732
You get off my property,
you pervert.
290
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,632
Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth,
would you like
to sign the petition?
291
00:11:44,701 --> 00:11:47,564
(INCOHERENTLY SPEAKING)
292
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:50,698
Uh, I--I don't...
W-W-What's--
What's the problem?
293
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,398
Ah! Okay. Thank you.
294
00:11:59,534 --> 00:12:04,498
(MUMBLING)
♪ Amazing grace ♪
295
00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:09,264
♪ How sweet the sound ♪♪
296
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,431
Chris, did you hear?
297
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:18,364
Some dog is going around town
trying to get support
for gay marriage.
298
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:20,598
Oh, that's Brian.
He's got a petition.
299
00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:21,731
Really?
300
00:12:21,801 --> 00:12:23,698
Chris, you've got to
destroy that petition.
301
00:12:23,767 --> 00:12:24,932
Why?
302
00:12:25,001 --> 00:12:27,498
Because if you do,
I'll let you touch my boobs.
303
00:12:27,566 --> 00:12:30,464
Is--Is--Is that good?
Do--Do I want that?
304
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:32,166
Oh, yeah, you want that.
305
00:12:32,234 --> 00:12:33,898
Well, fantastic then.
306
00:12:36,101 --> 00:12:37,866
How can I help you,
Mrs. Griffin?
307
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:40,132
Well,
I'm having a bit of a crisis.
308
00:12:40,201 --> 00:12:41,965
I'm a very
open-minded person,
309
00:12:42,034 --> 00:12:44,632
and I've never
had any problem
with gays before,
310
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:48,399
but something about
two gay people
getting married,
311
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:50,032
I just don't think
it's right.
312
00:12:50,101 --> 00:12:51,732
Well,
these questions are too big
313
00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,366
to be decided
by human beings.
314
00:12:53,434 --> 00:12:55,832
Which is why God
made this film.
315
00:12:55,901 --> 00:12:57,398
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
316
00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:03,898
You know, there's been
a lot of talk lately
about homosexuals,
317
00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,932
but how do you know
what to believe?
318
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:10,432
Well, here are a few tips
that may help you tell
when you've got a gay.
319
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,899
So, uh, what's your favorite
Madonna album?
320
00:13:12,968 --> 00:13:14,465
I like her early work.
321
00:13:14,533 --> 00:13:17,398
MAN: If his answer
is anything but
"I've never bought one,"
322
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:19,532
you've got a gay.
323
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,365
Let's take a blood sample,
Mr. Braga.
324
00:13:22,433 --> 00:13:26,199
If instead of human blood,
you find
a deadly corrosive acid,
325
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:28,199
you've got a gay.
326
00:13:35,833 --> 00:13:38,198
Not this time, nancy-boy.
327
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:42,498
Well, that was interesting.
328
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:45,133
I also have My Giant
with Billy Crystal.
329
00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:46,765
Oh, God, no, no.
330
00:13:50,201 --> 00:13:52,165
Well, we almost have
enough signatures,
331
00:13:52,234 --> 00:13:53,932
thanks to
Quahog's gay district.
332
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,898
Lois, how'd you like to be
signature number 10,000?
333
00:13:56,967 --> 00:13:59,398
Brian, I can't sign this.
Why not?
334
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:02,433
Well, because I don't believe
in gay marriage.
335
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:04,865
You don't believe...
Lois, that's ridiculous.
336
00:14:04,934 --> 00:14:06,632
Gay people have every right
to get married.
337
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:08,999
Well, they certainly
have every right
to be together,
338
00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:11,399
but marriage should be
between a man and a woman.
339
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,765
Well, that's not how they
do it in West Quahog.
340
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:15,799
By the way, Lois,
I got a piercing over there.
341
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:18,098
I'm not gonna tell you where,
but I'll give you a hint.
342
00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:21,032
It wasn't my nose or my ear
and it was one of my balls.
343
00:14:21,101 --> 00:14:22,532
Well,
regardless of what you think,
344
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,299
this is going to change
Mayor West's mind,
345
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:26,232
and we are gonna have
Jasper's wedding here.
346
00:14:26,301 --> 00:14:29,365
Fine.
Then until this is all over,
I'll stay somewhere else.
347
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:31,598
Come on, Stewie, we're going
to Grandma and Grandpa's.
348
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:34,298
Fine, I'll go,
but I'm not missing
that gay wedding.
349
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:35,698
I still kick myself
for missing
350
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:37,032
that topless
cheerleader parade
351
00:14:37,101 --> 00:14:38,865
with the 100-foot
chocolate teddy bear
352
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:40,632
and the F-16s doing
aerial acrobatics,
353
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:42,565
choreographed
to the music of Queen.
354
00:14:42,634 --> 00:14:44,332
Oh, I remember that day.
355
00:14:45,534 --> 00:14:47,865
Huh. Should have gone
to that thing.
356
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,398
(GASPS)
357
00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:55,731
My petition!
What the hell are you doing?
358
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,531
I'm going to get to touch
right-wing boob
because of this.
359
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,433
You idiot!
Now I'm going to have
to get 10,000 more signatures
360
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,732
before tomorrow morning.
What were you thinking?
361
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,598
You don't understand, Brian.
362
00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:08,198
When was the last time
you were even with a woman?
363
00:15:08,267 --> 00:15:11,265
Uh, when did
the Challenger blow up?
'86.
364
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:13,799
Yeah, it was like
three years before that.
365
00:15:16,233 --> 00:15:18,898
Mayor West,
here's the gay marriage ban
for your approval.
366
00:15:18,967 --> 00:15:20,932
Excellent.
This is so important,
367
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,898
I'm going to sign it
with all capital letters.
368
00:15:22,967 --> 00:15:26,565
It's going to say,
"ADAM WEST."
369
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,665
That's what it's
going to say, you'll see.
370
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:30,532
Hey, buddy,
you can't go in there.
371
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:31,732
(PANTING)
372
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,332
Mayor West,
you have to look at this.
373
00:15:33,401 --> 00:15:34,866
Ten thousand signatures.
374
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,299
I've been up for 24 hours,
375
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:37,799
I paid off a few people
376
00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:40,598
and I did a few things
in West Quahog
I'm not proud of.
377
00:15:46,034 --> 00:15:49,165
So, it's a show
about three hookers
and their mom?
378
00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:52,531
This is very impressive,
but my decision stands.
379
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,232
No!
380
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:55,899
Come on, buddy,
you're leaving.
381
00:15:55,967 --> 00:15:59,165
No, I can't let Jasper down.
382
00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:01,099
(GUN COCKING)
I'm not going
to let you sign that.
383
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,865
Go on, get out of here.
384
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:08,032
I should warn you,
I have a tiny
bullet-proof shield,
385
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:11,998
the exact size of a bullet,
somewhere on my body.
386
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:16,532
And if you hit it,
I'll be unharmed,
and your plan will be foiled.
387
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,199
You'll be
the laughingstock of me.
388
00:16:19,268 --> 00:16:20,998
I don't want
to shoot you, Mayor West.
389
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,099
Good, because I'm
incredibly crafty.
390
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,264
Hey,
what's that on the ceiling?
391
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:26,364
(LAUGHING)
392
00:16:26,433 --> 00:16:27,832
Now I'm over here.
393
00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,965
Look, t-this has gotten
out of hand, I know.
394
00:16:36,034 --> 00:16:37,665
I--I--I don't want
anyone to get hurt.
395
00:16:37,733 --> 00:16:39,331
But you can put
an end to this right now
396
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,298
by tearing up
that gay marriage ban.
397
00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:42,632
You won't break me.
398
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:45,199
15 years ago
I swallowed
everything I needed
399
00:16:45,268 --> 00:16:47,498
to escape
from a hostage situation.
400
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:55,898
A wall!
401
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:57,232
Well, no matter.
402
00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:00,099
I'm prepared
for a lengthy captivity
as well.
403
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:06,565
I swallowed
this People magazine in 1989.
404
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:11,065
All right, Paul Hogan,
tell me about
the real Crocodile Dundee.
405
00:17:14,001 --> 00:17:16,498
It's so nice
to have you home, dear.
406
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:17,899
I can take it or leave it.
407
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:20,232
God, this is such
an old-people house,
you know.
408
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,332
I mean,
look at this candy jar.
409
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,865
Let's--Let's, uh,
take a look in here.
410
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:24,932
Let's--Let's see
what you got here.
You got...
411
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,631
You got licorice.
Oh, that's, uh, that's...
412
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:29,365
Oh, Freedent.
Oh, that's good.
413
00:17:29,433 --> 00:17:31,398
Yeah--Yeah,
I got a-- I got a sweet tooth,
414
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,465
I think I'll have
some Freedent.
415
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:35,232
What's this? A cough drop.
416
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:37,032
A Luden's cough drop.
417
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:40,499
Is that candy? No,
I don't think that's candy.
I think it's a cough drop!
418
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,765
What else we got?
Look. Look at this.
419
00:17:42,834 --> 00:17:44,665
There's a fishing lure
in here.
420
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:47,532
There's a fishing lure
in the candy jar.
421
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,632
(STAMMERING) What?
Am I supposed to eat this?
422
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:53,598
Eat a fishing lure?
Hey, look, Brian's on TV.
423
00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:55,998
FEMALE REPORTER:
And now, some Channel 5
exclusive footage
424
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:57,631
of the crazed
homosexual gunman
425
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:59,333
who's taken
Mayor West hostage.
426
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:00,598
Oh, my God!
427
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:02,431
Brian's taken
the Mayor hostage?
428
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,465
Is this an eyeglass lens?
429
00:18:04,533 --> 00:18:07,432
I didn't realize
how strongly
he feels about this.
430
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:08,732
(SCOFFS) Gay marriage.
431
00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:10,298
Next thing you know,
they'll want to vote.
432
00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:11,465
Oh, oh, look at this.
433
00:18:11,533 --> 00:18:14,732
A spare key
for a Volkswagen Scirocco.
434
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,565
They--They don't even
make this anymore.
435
00:18:16,633 --> 00:18:18,798
They don't even
make this car anymore.
436
00:18:18,868 --> 00:18:20,965
Whose key
could this possibly be?
437
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:22,632
What if Brian's right?
438
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:26,065
I mean, certainly the love
between a man and a woman
should be sacred, but...
439
00:18:26,134 --> 00:18:28,366
Who's talking about love?
We're talking about marriage.
440
00:18:28,434 --> 00:18:29,965
Well, don't you love Mom?
441
00:18:30,034 --> 00:18:31,399
Come on, Lois, look at her.
442
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:33,498
So two straight people
who hate each other
443
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:35,132
have more of a right
to be together
444
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,865
than two gay people
who love each other?
445
00:18:36,934 --> 00:18:39,099
That's what
we raised you to believe.
446
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:42,032
Oh, my God!
I've made a terrible mistake!
447
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:44,732
I've been brainwashed,
like Elizabeth Smart.
448
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,998
It's so wonderful
having her home again.
449
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:48,931
She's brought music
back into the house.
450
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:50,798
Playing songs on the harp.
451
00:18:50,867 --> 00:18:54,099
Of course most of them
are about rape,
but it's still nice.
452
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,132
I think I made Brian crazy.
453
00:18:57,201 --> 00:18:59,099
Maybe I shouldn't have burned
that petition.
454
00:18:59,167 --> 00:19:01,299
No, Chris,
you did the right thing.
455
00:19:01,368 --> 00:19:04,299
It's only a matter of time
before Mayor West
signs that bill,
456
00:19:04,368 --> 00:19:06,099
and you'll get
to touch these.
457
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:09,199
Oh, boy,
I got a feeling that
before the end of the day,
458
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:11,099
I'm going to be
burying my dog.
459
00:19:11,168 --> 00:19:14,198
Whoa, whoa. I said
you could touch my boobs.
Let's start with that.
460
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:17,165
Look, Peter,
if you can't get Brian
to come out peacefully,
461
00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:18,598
we're going to
have to take him down.
462
00:19:18,667 --> 00:19:20,965
Don't worry, Joe,
I'm good
with tight situations.
463
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:23,698
Like when I saved
Luke Skywalker's life.
464
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,965
Okay, Luke,
this will keep you warm
465
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,032
until I get
the shelter built.
466
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:32,632
You're sure this is okay?
467
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,233
Yeah, you're just
cutting into the fat.
468
00:19:34,301 --> 00:19:37,298
All right, Brian,
Peter's coming in.
469
00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:40,999
I'll relax him
by using my catchphrase.
470
00:19:41,068 --> 00:19:43,565
(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT)
Hey, what's up with you?
471
00:19:43,633 --> 00:19:45,132
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING )
472
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:48,331
What the hell was that?
My catchphrase.
473
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:49,699
You don't have a catchphrase.
474
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:52,166
(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT)
Why you gotta say like that?
475
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,799
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING )
476
00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:55,332
Excuse me.
477
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:58,799
Would anyone
like to play Stratego?
478
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:00,298
I have Stratego.
479
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,066
Oh, Peter, I never meant
for this to happen.
480
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:05,732
This--This whole situation
has totally
spiraled out of control.
481
00:20:05,801 --> 00:20:08,699
Brian, listen to me.
I was wrong.
482
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:12,665
If 2 people love each other,
they should have
the right to get married.
483
00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:15,232
But you have to come down
and give yourself up.
484
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:16,932
If you drag this out
any longer,
485
00:20:17,001 --> 00:20:19,131
you're only hurting
your own cause.
486
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:20,699
(SIGHS)
487
00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:23,399
She's right.
I'm sorry, Mayor West.
488
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:26,232
Well, you were only doing
what you thought
was right, Brian.
489
00:20:26,301 --> 00:20:29,399
And, hey,
you've distracted everyone
from the Dig 'Em statue,
490
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:32,432
so I guess we don't
need this bill anymore.
491
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,598
(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT)
Everybody happy!
492
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:49,399
Well, it sure was nice
of Mayor West
493
00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:51,166
to drop
the kidnapping charges.
494
00:20:51,234 --> 00:20:53,166
It's amazing.
All he asked for in return
495
00:20:53,234 --> 00:20:55,165
was the key
to a Volkswagen Scirocco.
496
00:20:55,234 --> 00:20:56,432
You're welcome.
497
00:20:56,501 --> 00:20:57,765
Listen, Lois,
498
00:20:57,834 --> 00:21:00,032
I--I really appreciate
you putting
your discomfort aside,
499
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,498
so we could have
the wedding here.
500
00:21:01,567 --> 00:21:03,665
Oh, please,
I'm over all that now.
501
00:21:03,734 --> 00:21:06,366
Two men getting married
doesn't bother me
in the least.
502
00:21:06,434 --> 00:21:07,898
They deserve happiness.
503
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,365
(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT)
Everybody gay!