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00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,766
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,998
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things
that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
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Peter,
did you brush your teeth?
No.
11
00:00:38,101 --> 00:00:40,131
Peter, brush your teeth.
I don't wanna.
12
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,499
Peter, brush your teeth.
13
00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,032
No, it's stupid.
14
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Well, I guess
we're gonna have to do this
the hard way.
15
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No!
Open your mouth.
16
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No! No!
Peter, open your mouth!
17
00:00:47,733 --> 00:00:49,365
(SCREAMING)
Show me your teeth!
Show me your teeth!
18
00:00:49,434 --> 00:00:51,565
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Peter, did you hear that?
19
00:00:58,801 --> 00:01:01,299
Oh, my God, there are men
breaking into our house.
20
00:01:01,367 --> 00:01:03,098
Dad, what is it?
What's going on?
21
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I heard a noise.
22
00:01:04,401 --> 00:01:06,498
Is somebody downstairs?
23
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,599
Oh, God, Meg, you startled me.
I'm sorry.
24
00:01:08,667 --> 00:01:10,766
What the hell's your problem,
you dumbass?
25
00:01:10,834 --> 00:01:12,698
What the deuce
is all the commotion?
26
00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:14,266
Quick,
everyone get in the attic.
27
00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:20,798
Peter, what is that?
28
00:01:20,868 --> 00:01:22,832
Well, I got the idea
to build a panic room
29
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after I saw that movie,
The Butterfly Effect.
30
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I thought,
"Wow, this is terrible.
31
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"I wish I could escape
to a place
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00:01:29,234 --> 00:01:30,765
"where this movie
couldn't find me,"
33
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,132
and then...
What the hell
are we waiting for?
34
00:01:35,934 --> 00:01:37,965
These monitors
are for watching the house.
35
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See, there's
Stewie's room, Chris' room,
Meg's room...
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00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:41,899
Peter,
there's no phone in here.
37
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How are we
gonna call the police?
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Oh, my God.
We're all gonna die!
39
00:01:44,867 --> 00:01:45,932
That's not true.
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We'll survive by
eating each other.
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00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:51,532
But I think it's important for
the last one of us left alive
to know this story.
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The story
of the Griffin family history.
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00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:56,032
Here's how it all began.
44
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Everything started
with the big bang.
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It was a Saturday night,
46
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and God
and his roommate Chugs
were arm wrestling.
47
00:02:02,601 --> 00:02:04,966
(CHUCKLING) You're going down,
man.
48
00:02:05,034 --> 00:02:06,366
(FARTS)
49
00:02:06,434 --> 00:02:08,631
Oh, dude, that is sick.
50
00:02:08,700 --> 00:02:10,865
Yeah! Undefeated!
51
00:02:10,934 --> 00:02:14,898
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Here--Here comes another one.
Quick, give me your lighter.
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(LOUD BANG)
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00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,164
GOD: You smell that?
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00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:24,832
PETER: Then,
over millions of years,
evolution took its course.
55
00:02:32,667 --> 00:02:34,965
Of course, I'm obligated
by the State of Kansas
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00:02:35,034 --> 00:02:38,165
to present
the Church's alternative
to the theory of evolution.
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And the noblest
of all those early creatures
was the dinosaur.
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Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail
a couple of dinosaurs
in the next valley.
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00:03:00,201 --> 00:03:01,632
Peter, that's terrible.
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Hey, I don't know any better.
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I'm a dinosaur.
I don't have morals.
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Hey, a herpesaur.
63
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:07,799
Hey, Peter,
does your tail itch?
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00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:10,232
PETER: After that,
a meteor hit the earth,
65
00:03:10,301 --> 00:03:12,532
turning it
into a block of ice
for some reason.
66
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,065
But then it thawed
and cavemen came.
67
00:03:17,534 --> 00:03:19,066
Why Peter look sad?
68
00:03:19,134 --> 00:03:22,765
Brian, Peter invent wheel.
Peter show wheel
to people in town,
69
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:24,066
but no one want wheel.
70
00:03:24,134 --> 00:03:26,132
Everyone excited
about trapezoid.
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00:03:26,201 --> 00:03:27,431
No one buy wheel.
72
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:28,899
Peter, you invent wheel?
73
00:03:28,967 --> 00:03:30,166
That big breakthrough.
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00:03:30,233 --> 00:03:31,398
This maybe
make you millionaire.
75
00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:33,531
Then how come no
one buy Peter wheel?
76
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,332
Maybe sales pitch
not good enough.
77
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Brian help.
78
00:03:39,034 --> 00:03:41,199
Okay, sell wheel
just like practice.
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Not sure can do it.
80
00:03:42,533 --> 00:03:44,298
You so money. Don't know it.
81
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:45,898
Hi, me Peter.
82
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:47,498
Tired walking everyplace?
83
00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:49,065
Need something make you go?
84
00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:50,765
Peter wheel make you go.
85
00:03:50,833 --> 00:03:52,998
Maybe Joe
want try wheel on chair.
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For last time, Joe no want.
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(SCREAMING)
88
00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:00,765
Brian, Peter fail again.
89
00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:04,131
Not so fast.
Brian have other idea.
90
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,131
Anyone buy
wheel get dead bird.
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00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,532
(ALL MUMBLING)
92
00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:10,565
Not working.
Try drastic measure.
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00:04:10,634 --> 00:04:12,631
Brian, what hell?
94
00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:14,065
Hot lady next to wheel.
95
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Make me want wheel.
96
00:04:15,701 --> 00:04:19,231
Maybe if me buy wheel,
me get pretty lady, too.
I buy wheel.
97
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,065
(ALL CLAMORING)
98
00:04:21,134 --> 00:04:24,132
People want Peter wheel
thanks to sexy wife.
99
00:04:24,201 --> 00:04:26,898
Tonight you and me
party like it's 9.
100
00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:31,366
Damn all. What deuce?
Victory's Stewie's.
101
00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:34,165
There have been
many great Griffins
throughout history,
102
00:04:34,234 --> 00:04:37,464
including Moses Griffin,
who led the Jews
out of Egypt.
103
00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:41,832
All right, it's gonna be
a long journey, everyone,
104
00:04:41,901 --> 00:04:43,932
but I will lead you
to freedom.
105
00:04:44,001 --> 00:04:46,099
Now, Jews, ho!
106
00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:52,065
Here we are, the Red Sea.
107
00:04:52,134 --> 00:04:53,732
Now, all we gotta do
is swim across.
108
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I didn't bring
my trunks.
109
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I don't want
to step on a shell.
110
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I can't get water
in my ears.
111
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I ate 20 minutes ago.
112
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You know,
what they flush in Cairo
ends up right here.
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00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:05,765
(SIGHS) All right,
I'll see what I can do.
114
00:05:13,301 --> 00:05:15,165
MAN: Oh,
I can part the Red Sea.
115
00:05:15,234 --> 00:05:18,164
You know he hasn't
talked to his brother
in three years?
116
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All right, listen up.
117
00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:24,365
Before we go any further,
I'm gonna lay down
a few rules, all right?
118
00:05:24,434 --> 00:05:26,632
Commandment Number One:
Shut the hell up.
119
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:30,199
Commandment Number 2:
There's nothing
I can do about the sun.
120
00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:31,465
Commandment Number 3:
121
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:34,299
There are
no more Jolly Ranchers,
they're all gone.
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00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,998
Commandment Number 4:
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00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:38,765
When we pass a billboard,
please don't read it
out loud, all right?
124
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:40,364
Now, come on,
let's get going.
125
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Ooh, look at that.
"Danny Gans,
Entertainer of the Year."
126
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:48,166
What did I say?
127
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:50,231
MAN 1: "Hassle-free checking."
MOSES: Damn it!
128
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:53,132
MAN 2: "Mancow
in the morning."
Shut up!
129
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,398
Peter,
can we stop the stories
for a minute?
130
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,498
We need to figure out
how we're gonna survive.
131
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:59,331
I mean, is there
even any food in here?
132
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Right, good thinking.
133
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Meg,
go get us some sandwiches.
134
00:06:01,967 --> 00:06:03,365
Wait a minute,
that's a great idea.
135
00:06:03,434 --> 00:06:04,765
If Meg
can get through the vent,
136
00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:06,098
she can sneak out
and go get help.
137
00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:07,898
Dad,
I can't go through the vent.
138
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,665
Yeah, she's right.
We need to grease her up
so she doesn't get stuck.
139
00:06:10,734 --> 00:06:11,999
Everybody, spit on Meg.
140
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:15,099
Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay!
141
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:18,332
I meant I can't do it
because there are
burglars down there.
142
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,832
Come on,
they're not gonna touch you.
143
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:20,965
You're covered with spit.
144
00:06:21,034 --> 00:06:22,498
Be careful, Meg.
145
00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:24,865
(MEG SCREAMING)
146
00:06:24,934 --> 00:06:26,365
I hate you all!
147
00:06:26,433 --> 00:06:27,832
Hey, I hate you too, bitch.
148
00:06:27,901 --> 00:06:29,932
Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine?
149
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,233
You think Meg
made it through the vent?
150
00:06:36,301 --> 00:06:37,665
Well, let's find out.
151
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:40,932
Oh, there she is.
She's in the kitchen.
152
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,899
Hey, Meg. I see you
there in the kitchen.
153
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:46,032
Put my sandwich
on whole wheat, please.
154
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:47,465
No, no, no, no,
don't--don't use that mustard.
155
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:48,865
Use the other mustard.
156
00:06:48,934 --> 00:06:50,432
Oh, God, Meg,
they know you're there.
157
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:51,732
Quick,
scrape that mustard off.
158
00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:52,966
Use the other mustard!
159
00:06:53,034 --> 00:06:56,865
Oh, no.
The burglars got my baby.
160
00:06:56,934 --> 00:06:59,865
I think they're making a sign
to tell us something.
161
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:02,832
Better not be
using my crayons,
mixing them up.
162
00:07:04,534 --> 00:07:06,498
"We have your son."
163
00:07:06,566 --> 00:07:08,298
Meg's our daughter.
164
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,066
Peter, do something!
165
00:07:13,135 --> 00:07:17,166
You know, Meg being captured
by evil men
reminds me of another story.
166
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:18,665
It's distracting.
167
00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:21,731
Um, this is the story
of my ancestor Nate Griffin.
168
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,898
Of course,
Nate Griffin
was his slave name.
169
00:07:23,967 --> 00:07:26,231
His real name
was Richard Bachman.
170
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,731
And this
is the story of his roots.
171
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,965
It all began in Africa
in the tiny village
of Quahogswana
172
00:07:34,034 --> 00:07:37,798
where he was a proud member
of the tribe
of Tootie-and-Blair.
173
00:07:37,867 --> 00:07:40,164
Hey, Quagdingo,
how was your date last night?
174
00:07:40,233 --> 00:07:42,932
Oh, it was awesome.
You never feel as big
as you do with a pygmy.
175
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,999
Hey, you guys
wanna go get a drink
at Club 227?
176
00:07:46,068 --> 00:07:47,333
Not today, Joemama.
177
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,532
I'm going off to find
a log to build a drum,
178
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,798
so I can play
the opening part
from Hot For Teacher.
179
00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:52,965
I'll see you guys later.
180
00:07:53,034 --> 00:07:54,398
Coming up in this half hour,
181
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,965
flies on your face:
how many is too many?
182
00:07:57,034 --> 00:07:58,699
But first,
that orange thing in the sky
183
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,264
and what you can do
to please it.
184
00:08:05,266 --> 00:08:07,164
You know, you shouldn't be
poking around out here.
185
00:08:07,233 --> 00:08:08,899
White men
have been spotted nearby,
186
00:08:08,967 --> 00:08:12,665
laying traps
and forming
slo-pitch softball leagues.
187
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,132
Well,
whatever makes them happy.
188
00:08:14,201 --> 00:08:16,132
Live and let live,
that's what I say.
189
00:08:16,201 --> 00:08:17,865
And I'm sure
that's what they say, too.
190
00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:21,265
Hello. I'm Cleveland
from South Carolina.
191
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,132
Wow, you're
a different color than me.
192
00:08:23,201 --> 00:08:24,799
Would you like to be equals?
193
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:34,066
Hey, Quagdingo,
you wanna play I-spy again?
No!
194
00:08:34,134 --> 00:08:36,132
I spy something beige.
195
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,699
Wood.
Yeah.
196
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,332
Hello and welcome to the news
at what I suspect is dawn.
197
00:08:40,401 --> 00:08:41,965
Our top story
continues to be,
198
00:08:42,034 --> 00:08:44,332
where is this
giant canoe heading?
199
00:08:44,401 --> 00:08:45,765
But first,
let's go to Ollie Williams
200
00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:47,565
with
the portside window report.
201
00:08:47,633 --> 00:08:48,799
Ollie?
I saw a fish!
202
00:08:48,868 --> 00:08:50,431
Thanks, Ollie.
And now, sleep.
203
00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:51,865
(BOTH SNORING)
204
00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:00,331
Hey, guys,
one of my cuffs is loose.
205
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,598
If we can break out of here,
I've got an idea
206
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:06,032
how to give
the captain of this boat
what he deserves.
207
00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:08,165
(DOOR CREAKING)
208
00:09:13,134 --> 00:09:14,398
Hey, where's the captain?
209
00:09:14,467 --> 00:09:17,065
I don't know.
I haven't seen him
all morning.
210
00:09:17,134 --> 00:09:19,032
♪ Are you ready
for the summer? ♪
211
00:09:20,301 --> 00:09:23,132
♪ Are you ready
for the sunshine? ♪
212
00:09:23,201 --> 00:09:24,999
♪ Are you ready for... ♪♪
213
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:26,266
(ALL CHEERING)
214
00:09:26,335 --> 00:09:27,465
You dirty...
215
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:33,098
(LAUGHING) This is gonna be
the best summer ever.
216
00:09:33,167 --> 00:09:34,998
PETER: And it was.
217
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:38,231
But Nate soon found himself
put to work
on a Southern plantation.
218
00:09:38,300 --> 00:09:39,831
It was way down there.
219
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,198
You know,
where you stop seeing
Howard Johnsons
220
00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:42,731
and you start
seeing Stuckey's.
221
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,198
Anyway,
it was a horrible place
222
00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:46,398
where they took away
everybody's African names
223
00:09:46,467 --> 00:09:48,698
and gave them new names.
224
00:09:48,768 --> 00:09:50,166
What's your name?
225
00:09:50,233 --> 00:09:51,765
Tobi with an "I."
226
00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:54,699
With an accent over the "I,"
and a little line
over the "O,"
227
00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:57,765
so you know
it's a long vowel sound
and not a short one.
228
00:09:57,834 --> 00:09:59,799
And sometimes
I like to dot the "I"
229
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,498
with a little smiley face
or a heart or something.
230
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,166
Something
to brighten the reader's day.
231
00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:06,166
I asked you
what your name was.
232
00:10:06,233 --> 00:10:09,098
Honey, you keep that up,
it's whatever
you want it to be.
233
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:10,798
PETER: Of course,
back then,
234
00:10:10,867 --> 00:10:12,832
the South
was a very different place
than it is today.
235
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:15,099
A backward place
where they didn't believe
in science
236
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:17,332
and hated others
just for being different.
237
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,465
Time has a way
of changing a place
and its people.
238
00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:22,765
Uh, excuse me.
Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like,
239
00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:25,365
a human resources guy
we could talk to?
240
00:10:25,434 --> 00:10:28,731
Um, I have
a work-related grievance.
What?
241
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,166
Yeah,
the quarters are too crowded,
the hours are long,
242
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:34,631
and, uh, you know,
I don't like to be
"this guy,"
243
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:39,266
but a couple of the overseers
have been making
racial slurs.
244
00:10:42,233 --> 00:10:44,932
PETER: And then,
all of a sudden, he saw her.
245
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:47,832
Lois Laura Bush
Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,
246
00:10:47,901 --> 00:10:49,732
the plantation
owner's daughter.
247
00:10:49,801 --> 00:10:52,531
Of course, ordinarily,
black guys aren't attracted
to white women,
248
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,265
but she
was something different.
249
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:57,298
As a poet might say,
she was the kind of woman
250
00:10:57,367 --> 00:11:00,032
you just
want to have sex with
over and over.
251
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:03,099
With the kind of breasts
you just wanna push together
252
00:11:03,167 --> 00:11:05,465
so she looks
like a cross-eyed torso.
253
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,899
He knew he had to have her.
254
00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:13,132
(STONES TAPPING)
255
00:11:18,101 --> 00:11:19,465
(NEIGHING)
256
00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:25,898
Is someone there?
257
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:27,632
Lois!
Who are you?
258
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:28,965
Hi. I'm Nate Griffin.
259
00:11:29,034 --> 00:11:30,866
I work against my will
for your dad.
260
00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:32,865
Oh, yeah?
Well, what do you do?
261
00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:35,165
Well,
let's just say I know my way
around a hoe.
262
00:11:35,233 --> 00:11:37,732
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
263
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:41,731
PETER: And from the moment
that piece of off-color
blue comedy was uttered,
264
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,098
their lives
were changed forever.
265
00:11:44,166 --> 00:11:47,498
You wanna do it?
You bet
your sweet black ass I do.
266
00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:52,364
PETER: So for the next
15 years, they raised a family
in secrecy.
267
00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:54,831
Supper's ready!
Come and get it, kids!
268
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:57,699
You know the best part
about being
half-black and half-white?
269
00:11:57,767 --> 00:12:00,899
When I grow up,
I'll be
accepted by everybody.
270
00:12:00,968 --> 00:12:02,199
(GASPS)
A-ha!
271
00:12:02,268 --> 00:12:03,332
Daddy!
272
00:12:03,401 --> 00:12:05,032
Just as I thought!
273
00:12:05,101 --> 00:12:07,698
Lois, how in God's name
could you embarrass
the family like this?
274
00:12:07,767 --> 00:12:10,132
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sitting right here.
275
00:12:10,201 --> 00:12:11,932
Daddy,
you're the embarrassment.
276
00:12:12,001 --> 00:12:13,532
Nate and I love each other!
277
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,531
Tell it to the authorities,
because you're all
going to jail!
278
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,165
Run!
279
00:12:19,233 --> 00:12:22,099
PETER: And so they set off
on their escape to the North.
280
00:12:22,168 --> 00:12:24,999
Luckily, they were helped
by Nate's good friend,
Al Cowlings,
281
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,332
who showed up
on his trusty white bronco.
282
00:12:27,401 --> 00:12:29,832
But the law
was hot on their trail.
283
00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:36,364
Well, we're getting
a good view of the chase
from up here, Tom.
284
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:39,366
That's right, Diane.
We're looking at Nate Griffin
and Al Cowlings,
285
00:12:39,435 --> 00:12:40,932
the man we believe
to be Al Cowlings.
286
00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:42,399
We'll stay with the chase.
287
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:44,598
Um, it seems like
a futile effort on their part,
Diane.
288
00:12:44,667 --> 00:12:47,699
At some point, that horse
is going to have to stop
and eat some grain.
289
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,265
PETER: But luck
was on their side
290
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:51,598
and eventually,
they made it to the North.
291
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:53,132
After that,
Nate devoted his life
292
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,598
to getting back
at the white man
293
00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:56,399
for the injustice of slavery
294
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:59,198
by inventing the
Department of Motor Vehicles.
295
00:12:59,266 --> 00:13:01,565
Sir,
did you fill out the 1170?
I think I did.
296
00:13:01,634 --> 00:13:03,765
Did you fill out the 1170?
I filled this out.
297
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,531
That's the 1190.
You're gonna have to go
stand in the blue line.
298
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:07,765
Look,
I was already in that line.
299
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:08,965
Sir,
don't get snippy with me.
300
00:13:09,034 --> 00:13:10,198
What?
I've been here all morning.
301
00:13:10,266 --> 00:13:11,665
That is not my prerogative,
sir.
302
00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:13,298
I-I wait in one line,
they send me
to another line...
303
00:13:13,366 --> 00:13:14,999
You know what?
You can always call
to make an appointment.
304
00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:16,132
I tried to call!
I can't get through.
305
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,298
The line's always busy!
It's ridiculous.
306
00:13:17,366 --> 00:13:18,699
You can go wait
in the appointment line, then.
307
00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:20,464
I know! I don't wanna wait!
Sir, I can't help you.
308
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,899
I don't have all day.
309
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,331
You're going to
have to take that
somewhere else.
310
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,999
It shouldn't be this hard!
You know what? I'm on break.
311
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:27,498
Peter,
enough with the storytelling.
We gotta get outta here!
312
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:28,698
They're gonna kill Meg!
313
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,232
Oh, yeah?
Over Meg's dead body.
314
00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:35,198
Hey! A flare gun.
Good idea, Peter.
315
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:36,631
If we angle it
through the vent,
316
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:38,966
we might be able
to alert the authorities.
317
00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,265
Oh, my God!
We're gonna drown!
318
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,332
We'll be fine.
Here, put these on.
319
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,766
Peter, these are parachutes.
320
00:13:45,834 --> 00:13:47,631
What are we
supposed to do with these?
321
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,032
They're supposed
to distract you
322
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,098
while I put on
the one scuba suit.
323
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,266
(COUGHING)
324
00:14:01,334 --> 00:14:02,498
What's the matter?
325
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:03,631
That wasn't oxygen.
326
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,698
That was a tank
of Tony Danza's breath.
327
00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:07,598
I wonder
who got my oxygen tank.
328
00:14:08,834 --> 00:14:10,032
Kiss me, Tony.
329
00:14:10,101 --> 00:14:12,598
I want your breath inside me.
330
00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:15,132
(INHALING)
331
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,532
Hey!
332
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,832
Well, as long as death
is staring us
in the face,
333
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,465
I might as well tell you
about my great-grandfather,
334
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:24,565
who was the greatest
silent-movie star
of the '20s.
335
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:27,265
His name was
Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin,
336
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:30,266
and his ocular misadventures
made him a star.
337
00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:54,265
"Black-Eye" Griffin
and his family
338
00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:56,665
were among
the wealthiest people
in Hollywood.
339
00:15:56,734 --> 00:15:59,665
They spent their idle time
cavorting,
doing the Charleston,
340
00:15:59,734 --> 00:16:03,032
and enjoying
America's prosperity
following World War I,
341
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:06,398
which,
at that time, was called
International Civil War II.
342
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:08,598
But the golden years
soon ended.
343
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,332
Sadly,
"Black-Eye" Griffin's voice
344
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,465
just wasn't right
for the talking pictures.
345
00:16:15,768 --> 00:16:18,099
Pardon me, madam.
I'm the truant officer.
346
00:16:18,168 --> 00:16:21,133
I found
these two children of yours
playing hooky from school.
347
00:16:21,201 --> 00:16:24,999
Oh, my!
This will never do,
will it, dear?
348
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,364
(BABBLING) Chris, you gotta...
You gotta...
349
00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:29,532
It's important for you
to get an education!
350
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,198
Get in there
and finish your homework!
351
00:16:32,266 --> 00:16:34,832
PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin
struggled to make ends meet
352
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:36,865
until he died
tragically in the same manner
353
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:39,599
as 78% of Americans
at that time.
354
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:42,532
He was stabbed
in a card fight.
355
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,665
It was a simpler time.
It was a better time.
356
00:16:45,734 --> 00:16:49,098
Well,
no matter what happens to us,
I just hope Meg's okay.
357
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:52,699
So, is...
Is this, like, the part
358
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,832
where you guys
have your way with me?
What?
359
00:16:54,901 --> 00:16:56,598
You know,
where I'm, like, helpless,
360
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,832
and you guys take turns.
You know?
361
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:02,832
Oh, no!
Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
362
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,066
BURGLAR: What did she say?
363
00:17:04,134 --> 00:17:05,832
She asked
if we were gonna have
our way with her.
364
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,366
Ew!
No, seriously.
I won't scream or anything.
365
00:17:08,435 --> 00:17:11,065
No!
No! I... I... No. No sale.
366
00:17:11,134 --> 00:17:12,632
Come on! I'm pretty!
367
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:13,699
(SCREAMING)
368
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:15,799
(PANTING)
369
00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:17,065
Are you okay?
370
00:17:17,134 --> 00:17:18,631
Yeah. I was so scared.
371
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:20,932
Well, it sure would suck
if you guys died
372
00:17:21,001 --> 00:17:23,565
without hearing the story
of my great-uncle,
Peter Hitler,
373
00:17:23,634 --> 00:17:25,099
who was Adolf's
favorite brother.
374
00:17:28,301 --> 00:17:30,098
Hey, there you are.
375
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,798
Hey, you ready to go
check out that new skin flick
over at the Boobengarden?
376
00:17:32,867 --> 00:17:34,598
Peter,
can't you see I'm busy?
377
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:36,132
Yeah? What are you doing?
378
00:17:36,201 --> 00:17:38,266
Stuff?
Yes.
379
00:17:38,335 --> 00:17:39,565
Nazi stuff?
380
00:17:39,633 --> 00:17:41,698
Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.
381
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:42,866
Can I help?
382
00:17:42,934 --> 00:17:44,798
No, Peter.
Just let me work, all right?
383
00:17:44,868 --> 00:17:47,832
All right, all right.
Okay. All right.
384
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,365
(SPUTTERING)
385
00:17:57,101 --> 00:17:58,631
Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look.
386
00:17:58,701 --> 00:17:59,865
Addy, I'm Tojo.
387
00:17:59,934 --> 00:18:02,732
Addy. Addy, look.
I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo.
388
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,433
♪♪(HUMMING)
389
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:06,765
I am from Japan.
390
00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:07,832
(IMITATING GONGING)
391
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,032
(GROANS)
392
00:18:09,934 --> 00:18:11,598
(EXCLAIMS)
393
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:12,832
Sweet!
394
00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:14,431
(IMITATING GUNFIRE)
395
00:18:17,834 --> 00:18:19,765
That's what
a gun sounds like.
396
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:20,965
Will you stop that?
397
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:22,499
Hey, can I borrow 50 marks?
398
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:25,165
Oh, what happened
to the 50 marks
I gave you last week?
399
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,264
Oh, come on.
Your girlfriend's not cheap.
400
00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:28,332
Ooh!
401
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,465
(CHUCKLING)
402
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:32,066
Just kidding.
Oh, look at your face.
403
00:18:32,134 --> 00:18:33,765
Hey, whatever happened
with that art school?
404
00:18:33,834 --> 00:18:35,532
You ever gonna
take another crack at that?
405
00:18:35,601 --> 00:18:37,065
Look,
I'm going to do a rally.
406
00:18:37,134 --> 00:18:38,965
I'll be back in an hour.
407
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,265
A rally? Sweet.
408
00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:43,032
(CROWD CHEERING)
409
00:18:43,101 --> 00:18:46,165
The days of despair
and hardship are over!
410
00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:48,531
Today begins a new order!
411
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,565
All of Europe will tremble
412
00:18:50,633 --> 00:18:54,665
as Germany
takes its rightful place
as ruler of the world!
413
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,366
Oh, yeah!
414
00:18:56,434 --> 00:18:59,832
Yes. As I was saying,
the time for victory
is upon us!
415
00:18:59,901 --> 00:19:02,498
Victory up the ass, baby!
Yeah, come on!
416
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:05,831
A new-- A new world!
A better world!
417
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:07,599
A German world!
418
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:11,732
Yeah! Germanator!
I'll be back! Yeah!
419
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,632
We will emerge
as the dominant people!
420
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:16,631
And it's all
'cause of you guys.
You know what?
421
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:19,398
You guys, with your marching,
and your letters,
and your phone calls...
422
00:19:19,466 --> 00:19:21,364
This--This is
all thanks to you.
423
00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:23,299
You--You made this happen,
you guys.
424
00:19:23,368 --> 00:19:24,565
You know... My God.
425
00:19:24,634 --> 00:19:25,832
Give yourselves
a round of applause.
426
00:19:25,901 --> 00:19:28,432
Come on. You deserve it.
You deserve it.
427
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:33,298
Hey, what do you say
we all head over
to the Boozenpuken, eh?
428
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:36,465
Free beer
on this motherfuhrer! Eh?
Come on!
429
00:19:36,533 --> 00:19:38,598
(ALL CHEERING)
430
00:19:42,234 --> 00:19:43,798
I just...
I--I can't take it anymore.
431
00:19:43,867 --> 00:19:45,365
He's driving me crazy.
432
00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:46,966
Take it easy, honey.
433
00:19:47,034 --> 00:19:49,066
Knock, knock.
434
00:19:49,134 --> 00:19:51,266
Hey, there, bro.
How's it going?
435
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:53,098
Getting a lot
of positive feedback
436
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:55,698
about that rally.
Lot of positive feedback.
437
00:19:55,767 --> 00:19:57,665
Everybody loved
my Germanator joke.
438
00:19:57,734 --> 00:20:00,398
Look, Peter.
I want you to move out.
439
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,131
What?
440
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,732
You can't live here anymore.
You're a pain in my ass.
I want you out.
441
00:20:04,801 --> 00:20:07,198
Oh, come on, man.
That's not fair.
442
00:20:07,266 --> 00:20:10,098
Look,
if this is about the whole
me-leaving-the-seat-up thing,
443
00:20:10,166 --> 00:20:12,232
I mean, that's...
Is that really a--a big deal?
444
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:15,498
Yes, it is, Peter,
because sometimes at night
when Eva has to go,
445
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:17,331
if she goes in there
and the seat is up
446
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,099
and it's dark,
she sits in the water.
447
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,832
No way.
Get the hell out of here.
448
00:20:21,901 --> 00:20:22,998
(GUN FIRES)
449
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:26,965
Oh, no. You stupid idiot!
What did you do?
450
00:20:27,034 --> 00:20:28,465
Oh, my God!
451
00:20:28,534 --> 00:20:30,532
All right, listen,
there'll be time to grieve,
452
00:20:30,601 --> 00:20:32,265
but you-you go
t to tell me first,
453
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:34,465
did you actually
sit in the water
or was that...
454
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:43,665
Well, that's pretty much
all there is to tell, kids.
455
00:20:43,734 --> 00:20:46,799
The Griffin family history
is a rich tapestry.
456
00:20:46,867 --> 00:20:48,598
But since
we're all gonna die,
457
00:20:48,667 --> 00:20:51,865
there's one more secret
I feel
I have to share with you.
458
00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:54,865
I did not care
for The Godfather.
What?
459
00:20:54,934 --> 00:20:56,565
Did not care
for The Godfather.
460
00:20:56,634 --> 00:20:58,065
How can you
even say that, Dad?
461
00:20:58,134 --> 00:20:59,532
Didn't like...
Didn't like it.
462
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,765
Peter, it's so good.
It--It's like
the perfect movie.
463
00:21:01,834 --> 00:21:04,099
This is what everyone
always says whenever...
464
00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:05,932
Robert De Niro,
Al Pacino...
465
00:21:06,001 --> 00:21:08,732
I mean, you never see...
Robert Duvall!
466
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,599
(STUTTERING) I know.
Fine, fine actor.
467
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:11,799
Did not like the movie.
468
00:21:11,868 --> 00:21:13,565
Why not?
Did not...
Couldn't get into it.
469
00:21:13,634 --> 00:21:15,599
Explain yourself.
What didn't you
like about it?
470
00:21:15,667 --> 00:21:17,699
It--It insists upon itself,
Lois.
What?
471
00:21:17,768 --> 00:21:19,832
It insists upon itself.
What does that even mean?
472
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:22,632
'Cause it has
a valid point to make,
it's insistent!
473
00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:24,832
It takes forever getting in,
and then you spend, you know,
474
00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:26,465
like six-and-a-half hours,
and then, you know,
475
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:28,632
I can't even get through it.
I can't even
finish the movie.
476
00:21:28,701 --> 00:21:30,865
I've never even
seen the ending.
You've never seen the ending?
477
00:21:30,934 --> 00:21:32,199
Well, how can you say
you don't like it
478
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:33,765
if you haven't
even given it a chance?
479
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,265
I agree with Stewie.
It's not really fair.
It's outrageous.
480
00:21:36,334 --> 00:21:38,965
I have tried
on three separate occasions
to get through it,
481
00:21:39,034 --> 00:21:40,098
and I... I get to the scene
where all the guys
482
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:41,898
are sitting around
on the easy chairs...
483
00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:44,665
Yeah. That's a great scene.
I love that scene.
It's noted in every annal.
484
00:21:44,734 --> 00:21:46,199
I have no idea
what they're talking about.
485
00:21:46,267 --> 00:21:47,932
It's like they're speaking
a different language.
486
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,465
That's where I lose interest
and I go away.
They're speaking Italian!
487
00:21:50,534 --> 00:21:52,699
The language they're speaking
is the language of subtlety,
488
00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:53,998
something
you don't understand.
489
00:21:54,067 --> 00:21:55,699
I love The Money Pit.
490
00:21:55,767 --> 00:21:57,598
That is my answer
to that statement.
491
00:21:57,667 --> 00:21:59,632
Exactly.
Well, there you go.
492
00:21:59,701 --> 00:22:01,632
Whatever.
I like that movie, too.
493
00:22:03,634 --> 00:22:05,598
Thank God you guys are okay!
494
00:22:05,667 --> 00:22:08,365
Wow! You saved our lives,
Mr. Swanson!
495
00:22:08,434 --> 00:22:09,665
We've captured the burglars.
496
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:11,199
Oh, thank God.
497
00:22:11,268 --> 00:22:14,132
Unfortunately,
they're pressing
sexual harassment charges
498
00:22:14,201 --> 00:22:15,431
against your daughter.
499
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,898
Well, that was a close call.
500
00:22:16,967 --> 00:22:18,332
You know...
501
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,165
Meg should
probably get a lawyer.
502
00:22:20,234 --> 00:22:24,099
Oh, sweetie, thank you
for keeping our spirits up
with your stories.
503
00:22:24,167 --> 00:22:25,732
Your daughter's
a sexual predator.
504
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,665
If you don't do anything,
she could go to jail
for a long time.
505
00:22:28,734 --> 00:22:30,665
Don't thank me, Lois.
Thank my ancestors
506
00:22:30,734 --> 00:22:32,898
for living
lives of greatness.
507
00:22:32,967 --> 00:22:34,632
All right, guys,
just take her away.
508
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:36,032
Dad, help!
509
00:22:36,101 --> 00:22:37,232
(MEG SCREAMING)
510
00:22:37,301 --> 00:22:39,766
Dad!
Have fun at the dance, Meg.
511
00:22:39,834 --> 00:22:42,132
I hope she does.
That kid really deserves it.