1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,766
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,068 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,965
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:40,567 --> 00:00:42,465
Oh, this is so exciting.
11
00:00:42,533 --> 00:00:44,899
Maybe we'll get lucky
and see another crash
this year.
12
00:00:44,967 --> 00:00:46,999
Yeah,
we can get some souvenirs.
13
00:00:47,068 --> 00:00:49,698
Last year, I got an altimeter
and a shinbone.
14
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:52,765
(ALL GASPING)
15
00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:55,165
ALL: Oh.
16
00:00:57,034 --> 00:00:58,032
(ALL GASPING)
17
00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:00,898
ALL: Oh.
18
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:03,832
(ALL GASPING)
19
00:01:07,633 --> 00:01:08,832
ALL: Oh.
20
00:01:10,367 --> 00:01:11,364
(GRUNTS)
21
00:01:11,434 --> 00:01:13,199
(CHEERING)
22
00:01:13,267 --> 00:01:16,898
This is boring. I'd rather
be home watching that video
from The Ring.
23
00:01:16,967 --> 00:01:20,365
Peter, don't. They say
if you watch that video,
you die.
24
00:01:20,433 --> 00:01:22,132
That's a lot of baloney.
25
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,765
(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW
PLAYING)
26
00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:26,498
♪ And we can build
this dream together
27
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,966
♪ Standing strong forever
28
00:01:29,034 --> 00:01:32,866
♪ Nothing's gonna
stop us now ♪
29
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:35,131
Look,
there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.
30
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,565
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
keep your eye on the sky
31
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:41,199
for the aerial acrobatics
of Captain Glen Quagmire.
32
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:51,932
QUAGMIRE: Well,
gonna need some help here.
33
00:01:52,001 --> 00:01:53,098
(CHUCKLES)
34
00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:54,365
All right.
35
00:01:56,868 --> 00:01:59,732
Wait a minute, where...
Oh, my God, where's Stewie?
36
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,199
Don't panic,
Lois, we'll find him.
37
00:02:01,267 --> 00:02:03,365
I'm good at picking people
out of a crowd.
38
00:02:03,434 --> 00:02:05,331
Oh, gosh, this is hard.
39
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,498
Yeah, could I get
a better look at number two?
40
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:11,732
And, number four,
could you step forward, too?
41
00:02:11,801 --> 00:02:14,599
Okay, number five,
look at number one.
42
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,532
Look at him
like you haven't seen him
in a while and you're happy.
43
00:02:17,601 --> 00:02:20,332
Okay, not too happy,
not too happy.
Pull it back, pull it back.
44
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,999
Okay, and number three,
could you say,
45
00:02:23,067 --> 00:02:26,599
"Julie, I promise to
get back on my feet
before the baby arrives."
46
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:30,698
Julie, I promise to
get back on my feet
before the baby arrives.
47
00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:32,166
He's good.
Yeah, he's always good.
48
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,499
Very good.
Yeah. Yeah.
49
00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:34,799
Okay, thank you.
50
00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:37,066
Stewie. Stewie.
51
00:02:37,134 --> 00:02:40,732
Hey, everybody,
it's Weenie and the Butt here
live at the Quahog air show.
52
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,598
We're all ready for the Weenie
sound-alike contest.
53
00:02:43,667 --> 00:02:46,665
I don't know, Butt.
I don't think they can say
my catchphrase, because
54
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,832
"They no funny."
55
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:50,466
(HORN BLOWING)
56
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:51,866
There it is.
57
00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:54,199
And if you think you can say
that just like Weenie here,
58
00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:58,065
you could win $97.1
for the cool weekend ahead.
59
00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,299
MAN: Weenie and the Butt.
Weenie and the Butt.
60
00:03:00,368 --> 00:03:03,998
WOMAN: Cool weekends
in the morning, 97.1 FM.
61
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,898
MAN 2: Cool weekends
in the morning
with Weenie and the Butt.
62
00:03:06,967 --> 00:03:09,798
WQHG 97.1.
63
00:03:09,867 --> 00:03:11,532
97.1.
97.1.
64
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,032
Weenie and the Butt.
65
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:15,032
In the morning, cool weekends.
66
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:16,265
FM.
67
00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:18,032
Weenie, Weenie, Weenie.
And the Butt.
68
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,531
And welcome back.
69
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,032
Excuse me,
I gotta find a lost kid.
Can I use your mike?
70
00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:23,331
That's what she said.
71
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,932
Whoa! You got Butt-slammed!
72
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,032
(ZANY CLANGING)
73
00:03:27,101 --> 00:03:28,298
(BOTH LAUGHING)
74
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:29,998
Listen, I could
really use a hand here.
75
00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:31,498
That's what he said.
76
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,599
Butt slam!
77
00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:34,832
(MONKEY CHATTERING)
78
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:37,132
That's Manic Monkey on 97.1.
79
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,365
WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1.
80
00:03:40,433 --> 00:03:42,398
MAN:
Cool weekends in the morning.
81
00:03:42,467 --> 00:03:44,298
MAN 2: All weekend long.
Weenie and the Butt.
82
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:45,798
In the morning.
In the morning.
83
00:03:45,867 --> 00:03:48,165
On the radio.
FM.
84
00:03:48,233 --> 00:03:51,832
Give me that. Stewie Griffin,
will you please report
to the radio booth.
85
00:03:51,901 --> 00:03:53,032
Stewie Griffin.
86
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,999
Hey, that's quite a voice
you've got there.
87
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,866
You ever think about
doing radio?
88
00:03:56,934 --> 00:03:59,598
Well, I listen to
a lot of radio.
89
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,731
Peter and Lois
leave the radio on
when they go out
90
00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:03,132
so I feel like
somebody's home.
91
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,765
Well, here's my card.
Call me if you're interested.
92
00:04:05,833 --> 00:04:07,932
Hey, okay, we've got
our first contestant.
93
00:04:08,001 --> 00:04:09,632
Let's hear
Weenie's catchphrase.
94
00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:10,699
(CLEARS THROAT)
95
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:12,298
"They no funny."
96
00:04:12,366 --> 00:04:15,498
(BELL RINGING)
I think we have a wiener!
97
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,398
(DONKEY BRAYING)
98
00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:20,832
And that's Dicky,
the Punch Line Donkey,
on 97.1.
99
00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:24,599
WOMAN: Dicky,
the Punch Line Donkey,
on cool 97.1.
100
00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:26,198
MAN: Cool weekends.
101
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,699
On the radio.
102
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:28,765
MAN 2: In the morning.
103
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,531
FM.
Cool.
104
00:04:30,601 --> 00:04:33,531
WQHG. Cool weekends.
In the morning.
105
00:04:33,601 --> 00:04:35,431
On 97.1.
106
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,298
97.1.
107
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:42,333
MAN ON TV:
And now back to Round Table,
108
00:04:42,401 --> 00:04:45,965
with Al Michaels,
Harold Ramis, Ray Romano
and Kermit the Frog.
109
00:04:46,034 --> 00:04:48,198
Rezoning laws are infringing
on the rights of citizens.
110
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:50,498
If I might interrupt
for a minute,
I'd like to point out...
111
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:52,465
You've had your time.
Let someone else speak.
112
00:04:52,534 --> 00:04:54,132
I haven't said a word.
It was that guy.
113
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,965
Don't look at me.
I can't get a word
in edgewise.
114
00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:57,932
Well, then who the hell's
been talking this whole time?
115
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,498
(ALL CLAMORING)
116
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,465
(DOORBELL RINGING)
117
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:06,298
Thelma.
Hello, darling.
118
00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:08,832
My God,
what a pleasant surprise.
119
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:10,331
Mom, what are you doing here?
120
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,399
Peter, I left your father.
121
00:05:12,467 --> 00:05:14,199
What?
Wait, wait. Hang on a second.
122
00:05:14,268 --> 00:05:16,731
I never see you,
and then you finally
come visit me
123
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,532
and you drop a bombshell
like this?
124
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,098
This is just like
what happened
at the Peanuts reunion.
125
00:05:21,166 --> 00:05:23,066
(MUSIC PLAYING)
126
00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:30,131
Stupid song.
127
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,333
What are you looking at?
128
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:33,699
Yeah, it's me.
129
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:36,532
Your old punching bag,
Charlie Brown.
130
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,065
Everybody wish
Snoopy was here?
And Woodstock?
131
00:05:40,134 --> 00:05:43,998
Everybody wish Snoopy
and Woodstock was here?
Well, they're dead.
132
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:47,198
And guess what?
I sold Snoopy the junk.
133
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:49,932
That's right,
he got it from me.
134
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,898
I swear I didn't know
how strong it was.
135
00:05:52,967 --> 00:05:56,632
And now he's dead.
They're both dead.
136
00:05:56,700 --> 00:06:00,731
I don't give a crap
about Woodstock, but Snoopy...
137
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,565
(SOBBING)
138
00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:04,232
Get off me, you skank.
139
00:06:05,734 --> 00:06:07,598
I can't believe you left Dad.
140
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:10,199
I have needs
that he didn't satisfy.
141
00:06:10,268 --> 00:06:14,899
And I'm still a young woman,
Peter. 82 is the new 74.
142
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:18,298
I'm putting my fine ass
back on the market.
143
00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:21,398
Boy, this is really going to
upset my evil brother,
Thaddeus.
144
00:06:21,467 --> 00:06:24,164
Yeah. This will surely
affect my inheritance.
145
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,598
Hi, there, I'm Brian Griffin,
146
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:33,532
and you're listening to
The Lunch Hour,
serving up food for the mind.
147
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,665
Today's entree is politics.
What's on your mind today?
148
00:06:36,733 --> 00:06:38,865
The governor's budget?
Stem cell research?
149
00:06:38,933 --> 00:06:43,431
Give us a hot spoonful of
your opinion. Okay, we have
a question from Quahog.
150
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,698
Caller,
you're on The Lunch Hour.
Can I take your order?
151
00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:48,665
STEWIE:
Yes, I'll have a big helping
of the pretentious crap.
152
00:06:48,733 --> 00:06:52,098
(LAUGHS) Whoa! Sometimes
the crazy ones get through.
153
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:54,831
Okay, we have Rose
from Cranston on the phone.
154
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,498
Welcome, Rose,
can I take your order?
155
00:06:56,567 --> 00:06:58,498
STEWIE: (IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
Yes, that turkey,
156
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:02,532
that raw turkey that you
ate off the counter last week
that got Lois mad,
157
00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:05,332
when you pooped that out,
was the timer still in there?
158
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,632
And we're out of time.
This has been The Lunch Hour.
159
00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:11,632
Join us next week,
when our guest
will be Gore Vidal.
160
00:07:11,701 --> 00:07:15,532
And remember,
life is full of entrees,
so don't fill up on bread.
161
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,665
I'm gonna throw you now
to Weenie and the Butt
in the afternoon.
162
00:07:18,734 --> 00:07:19,865
MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE)
Weenie and the Butt.
163
00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:22,331
WOMAN: 97.1.
In the afternoon.
164
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,531
In the afternoon.
165
00:07:23,601 --> 00:07:25,599
Oh, my God.
WQHG.
166
00:07:25,667 --> 00:07:28,231
Turn it on
and rip the knob off.
167
00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:30,298
You're listening to the radio.
168
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,065
Sir, I'm very sorry.
That was this guy I know.
169
00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:37,399
He thinks he's hilarious.
He is hilarious.
170
00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:39,598
I was on my way in here
to cancel your show,
171
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,465
but the banter you did
with that guy...
172
00:07:41,533 --> 00:07:43,731
Well, as we say
in the radio business,
173
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,865
"If you put that on the radio,
people will listen to it."
174
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,465
Make him part of the show.
175
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:51,432
You don't want him.
He's not really
a professional like me.
176
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:54,832
Listen, you get that kid
in here. We need more laughs
on the show.
177
00:07:54,901 --> 00:07:56,699
(SIGHS)
178
00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:59,565
Well, I guess he couldn't be
any worse than Tim McCarver
is at sportscasting.
179
00:07:59,634 --> 00:08:04,999
In my view, as good as
the Yankees were in
the first half of this game,
180
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:07,932
that's how as bad
they've been now.
181
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:17,765
Poor Peter. I know
he's having a hard time
with this whole divorce thing.
182
00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:21,032
I feel kind of guilty that
I'm here looking for a date.
183
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:24,164
Thelma, stop that.
You have a right to be happy.
184
00:08:24,233 --> 00:08:27,331
And there's a lot of
great people here.
Why don't you mingle?
185
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,899
Oh, my God, Lois,
you single now?
186
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:31,799
(CHUCKLES) No, Glenn,
I'm here with Thelma.
187
00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:33,599
Who's Thelma?
This is Thelma.
188
00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:35,832
Ew!
189
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,932
I don't know if
this is gonna work, Lois.
190
00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:40,265
I'm a little shy
at these types of things.
191
00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:42,465
You can overcome shyness.
192
00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:45,799
Think of the spider
in Charlotte's Web who
had to overcome Tourette's.
193
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:50,032
I don't know, Lois.
194
00:08:50,101 --> 00:08:52,799
I haven't met
a single interesting person.
195
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:55,364
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
trying to get back on my feet
196
00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:58,266
after having my ass
handed to me
by my bitch of an ex-wife.
197
00:08:58,333 --> 00:08:59,364
I'm Thelma.
198
00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:00,665
I'll just be going.
199
00:09:00,733 --> 00:09:02,398
Can I get you some punch?
200
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:06,598
Oh, no. You see,
if you're one of 10 million
Americans like me...
201
00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:08,364
Like me.
Like me.
202
00:09:08,433 --> 00:09:12,232
...with a bladder control
problem, punch just
goes right through you.
203
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:13,765
Ew!
204
00:09:17,968 --> 00:09:19,399
I didn't hear you
come in last night.
205
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:21,698
Did you have a good time at
your prostitutes' convention?
206
00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:24,798
Peter, I was just trying
to help your mother
meet some new friends.
207
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:26,198
Lois, you're too nosey.
208
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:27,799
Like that waiter
at that restaurant.
209
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,665
And who had the prime rib?
210
00:09:29,734 --> 00:09:32,232
I hardly think that's
any of your business.
211
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:34,731
Come on, Mom,
you can't stay in bed all day.
212
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,699
You gotta call Dad
and get back together with...
213
00:09:36,768 --> 00:09:37,898
(SCREAMS)
214
00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:39,731
Holy crap!
215
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,032
We'll have more on these
new developments after this.
216
00:09:47,034 --> 00:09:48,932
I can't believe
what I saw in there.
217
00:09:49,001 --> 00:09:52,398
You were messing around
in what was basically
my first apartment.
218
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,598
Peter, you should be
happy for her.
219
00:09:54,667 --> 00:09:55,999
She's just having fun.
220
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,632
I don't see
what the problem is.
221
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:58,931
Tom is a wonderful man.
222
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,365
I don't see the problem,
either,
223
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,032
but let's go to Ollie Williams
for the in-depth analysis.
Ollie?
224
00:10:03,101 --> 00:10:05,365
Lady's old.
Thanks, Ollie.
Over to you, Peter.
225
00:10:05,433 --> 00:10:07,298
Look, this isn't right,
you know?
226
00:10:07,366 --> 00:10:09,431
I mean, you guys are like
Harold and Maude.
227
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:11,132
What would your
grandchildren think?
228
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,798
I would be remiss
in my duty
229
00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:18,465
if I did not tell you
230
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:25,498
that the idea of...intercourse
231
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:33,365
and the fact of your
firm young body
232
00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:41,831
commingling with...
withered flesh,
233
00:10:43,667 --> 00:10:46,631
sagging breasts
234
00:10:47,534 --> 00:10:52,532
and flabby buttocks
235
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,865
makes me want to vomit.
236
00:10:57,934 --> 00:11:00,331
Tom Tucker, I forbid you
to see my mother.
237
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,465
Peter, you can't
talk to Tom that way.
238
00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:05,665
He won a local Emmy
for his work
with the retardeds.
239
00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:08,699
They certainly wanted to
hug me. Maybe, in time,
you will, too.
240
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:10,965
Thanks for watching.
I'm Tom Tucker. Good night.
241
00:11:11,034 --> 00:11:12,732
(NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING)
242
00:11:12,801 --> 00:11:14,164
(INAUDIBLE)
243
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:19,899
All right, look.
Let's get one thing straight,
Stewie.
244
00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:23,299
The only reason you're here
is that my boss ordered me
to bring you on.
245
00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:24,765
All right? This is my show,
246
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:27,265
and it's a serious,
intellectual hour
of discussion,
247
00:11:27,334 --> 00:11:29,365
and I want to
keep it that way.
Hey, no problem.
248
00:11:29,434 --> 00:11:32,032
All right.
In three, two, one.
249
00:11:32,101 --> 00:11:33,866
This is The Lunch Hour
with your host...
250
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:35,831
Hey, what's up, Quahog?
251
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:39,364
From the station that reaches
the beaches, you're listening
to Dingo and the Baby.
252
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:41,032
WOMAN: Dingo and the Baby.
253
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:43,565
97.1, Quahog.
254
00:11:43,634 --> 00:11:44,798
MAN: Oh, baby.
255
00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:45,898
(MAN BURPS)
256
00:11:45,967 --> 00:11:46,965
(FART)
257
00:11:47,034 --> 00:11:48,133
What the hell are you doing?
258
00:11:48,201 --> 00:11:49,832
What the hell does that
have to do with anything?
259
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:52,398
They're just wacky sounds,
you know, to liven things up.
260
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:53,798
D-i-n-g-o.
261
00:11:53,867 --> 00:11:55,465
(BARKING)
Dingo.
262
00:11:55,534 --> 00:11:58,299
(BABY GURGLING)
Dingo and the Baby.
263
00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:00,199
(TOILET FLUSHING)
264
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:04,199
Oh, sexy girlfriend.
265
00:12:09,967 --> 00:12:12,333
Peter, would you stop spying
on your mother's date?
266
00:12:12,401 --> 00:12:14,066
I can't stand it
anymore, Lois.
267
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:15,365
I'm gonna put a stop to this.
268
00:12:17,101 --> 00:12:18,298
(PHONE RINGING)
269
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:20,099
Hello?
PETER: Hello, yes.
270
00:12:20,168 --> 00:12:25,665
This is Tom Tucker's
personal physician,
Dr. T and the Women.
271
00:12:25,733 --> 00:12:29,598
Could you tell Tom
his contagious penis cancer
medicine is ready?
272
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:30,865
Is this Peter?
273
00:12:30,933 --> 00:12:33,032
No, it's Lois.
274
00:12:33,101 --> 00:12:36,632
Lois, don't crank call
my mother. I'm gonna
have to pinch you for that.
275
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:38,465
Ow! Peter, don't pinch me.
276
00:12:38,534 --> 00:12:39,699
(BOTH GROANING)
277
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:41,866
Stop that.
Knock it off, damn it!
278
00:12:41,934 --> 00:12:44,066
Cut it out.
Maybe I'll tickle you,
huh, how about that?
279
00:12:44,134 --> 00:12:45,932
No, don't.
Here you go.
280
00:12:46,001 --> 00:12:48,498
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Cut it out. Stop it.
281
00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:49,899
(LAUGHING)
282
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:51,398
I mean it. I mean it.
283
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:53,732
Ah! Ah!
284
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:57,166
Well, I told you to stop.
285
00:12:57,233 --> 00:12:59,832
I tickle you,
you hit me in the head
with a frying pan?
286
00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:02,365
I told you to stop.
I taste blood.
287
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:03,632
Well, there's a lot of it.
288
00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:09,431
Hey, there, champ.
289
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,631
Peter, I know this is all
a big adjustment for you,
290
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,732
but all I want is
for your mom to be happy.
291
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,132
Well, why can't she
go back with my dad?
292
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,332
Well, I can't answer that,
but I'm gonna do my best
to make her even happier
293
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,265
than those kids on
Three Wishes with Amy Grant.
294
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,831
What's your wish, Billy?
295
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,598
Can you cure my cancer?
296
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:31,098
No, but how about
if Spider-Man gives you
a $50 gift card to Sears?
297
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:33,865
Here. Get well.
298
00:13:33,934 --> 00:13:35,898
You know, I heard
a rumor about you today.
299
00:13:35,967 --> 00:13:38,831
You did?
Yup. I heard
you like milkshakes.
300
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:40,398
Oh, boy, do I!
301
00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:41,932
Let's go get ourselves
a shake, huh?
302
00:13:42,001 --> 00:13:43,098
Yeah.
303
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,832
I want to get
a milkshake, too.
304
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:46,599
Too bad.
Go get your own father.
305
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,132
(HUMMING)
306
00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:53,199
Hey, Carl, can I get
a carton of smokes, please?
307
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,665
Sure, Brian.
308
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,465
And what's that little rubber
mailman you got behind there?
309
00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:58,565
Oh, you like that, huh?
310
00:13:58,634 --> 00:13:59,765
Yeah, does that thing squeak?
311
00:13:59,833 --> 00:14:00,831
Yeah, it does.
312
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:02,465
(SQUEAKING)
All right, I'll take that,
313
00:14:02,534 --> 00:14:04,465
and I'm gonna hurry home
and show it to Lois.
314
00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:07,065
Hey, I'd recognize
that voice anywhere.
315
00:14:07,134 --> 00:14:11,032
You're Dingo, that dog
that plays all those
fart sounds on the radio.
316
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,332
Awesome!
317
00:14:12,401 --> 00:14:14,099
Oh, yeah, yeah,
sorry about that,
318
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:15,932
the show's gotten
a little lowbrow.
319
00:14:16,001 --> 00:14:17,299
What are you talking about?
320
00:14:17,368 --> 00:14:19,265
It's, like,
the most hilarious show ever.
321
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:21,266
Hey, could I
get your autograph?
322
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,032
My... Really?
323
00:14:23,101 --> 00:14:24,765
Wow, you're...
324
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:26,999
Gosh, you're making me
feel more important than
a dwarf among midgets.
325
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,398
Hey, can you
reach the Crispix?
326
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:31,098
Yes, I can.
327
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:36,732
How awesome is this?
Going out to dinner
with my new family.
328
00:14:36,801 --> 00:14:37,899
Hi, can I help you?
329
00:14:37,968 --> 00:14:39,333
I want... I want that one.
330
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,398
All right, hold on,
we'll get you that one.
331
00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:44,198
I want straws.
We'll get you a straw.
332
00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:45,931
You want a kid's meal?
No.
333
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,665
Do you mean "yes"?
Yes.
334
00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:50,132
Okay, one kid's meal.
And what'll you have, honey?
335
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,898
I'll have a fish sandwich
and a Sanka.
336
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,966
Oh, he's adorable.
337
00:14:55,034 --> 00:14:58,631
Say hi to the nice lady,
Peter. Oh, he's shy.
338
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:06,365
(GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE
PLAYING)
339
00:15:06,434 --> 00:15:09,532
♪ I don't believe
in frettin' and grievin'
340
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,865
♪ Why mess around with strife?
341
00:15:12,934 --> 00:15:16,565
♪ I never was cut out
to step and strut out
342
00:15:16,634 --> 00:15:19,665
♪ Give me the simple life
343
00:15:19,734 --> 00:15:23,532
♪ Some find it pleasant
dining on pheasant
344
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,632
♪ Those things
roll off my knife
345
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:30,732
♪ Just serve me tomatoes
and mashed potatoes
346
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,365
♪ Give me the simple life ♪
347
00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:38,499
MAN ON TV: We now return
to the Sunday afternoon movie,
348
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,498
Masturbator and Commander.
349
00:15:41,433 --> 00:15:42,866
(KNOCKING)
350
00:15:42,934 --> 00:15:44,866
Captain, the enemy ship
has opened fire on us.
351
00:15:44,934 --> 00:15:47,665
CAPTAIN: I'll be right out.
Sir, we've already
lost 10 men.
352
00:15:47,734 --> 00:15:50,465
Hang on.
Sir, don't you think
we should return fire?
353
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:51,899
Yeah, yeah,
go ahead and do that,
354
00:15:51,968 --> 00:15:53,898
and I'll meet you up there
in, like, five minutes.
355
00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:56,231
Peter, I've never
seen you so happy.
356
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:59,364
Well, Lois, I never
realized what it was like
to have a real dad.
357
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:01,565
I mean, my own dad
was such a ballbuster,
358
00:16:01,633 --> 00:16:03,932
I guess I just always
thought that was normal.
359
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,165
But Papa Tom is so different.
360
00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:09,698
For the first time in my life,
I feel like I have
a real family, you know?
361
00:16:09,767 --> 00:16:12,532
I mean, I'm not just
going through the motions
like I do around here.
362
00:16:12,601 --> 00:16:14,665
Hey, champ, you want to
watch Chicken Little?
363
00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:16,332
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
364
00:16:16,401 --> 00:16:17,799
And what does a chicken say?
365
00:16:17,867 --> 00:16:19,265
"Moo."
366
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:21,265
(LAUGHS) Why not?
367
00:16:21,334 --> 00:16:23,098
Come on, Ma.
368
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:24,865
Hey, what gives
with the suitcase?
369
00:16:24,934 --> 00:16:28,632
Tom, there's no easy way
to say this. I'll just
come right out with it.
370
00:16:28,701 --> 00:16:29,832
I'm leaving.
371
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:31,899
What? Leaving? Why?
372
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:33,732
Tommy, this has been great,
373
00:16:33,801 --> 00:16:36,598
but I wasn't looking
for anything long-term.
374
00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:40,265
I just needed someone
to clear all the bats
out of my plumbing.
375
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,599
What do we do now, Bill?
376
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,032
We write, Tim.
377
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,565
We write our story.
378
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:47,999
Goodbye, dear.
379
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,899
It's all my fault!
380
00:16:50,967 --> 00:16:52,032
(WAILING)
381
00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:55,165
(LAUGHING)
382
00:17:01,301 --> 00:17:04,265
I know it hurts right now,
Peter, but we'll
get through this.
383
00:17:04,334 --> 00:17:06,499
You're still my little buddy,
right?
Yeah.
384
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,332
Then we'll be okay.
Goodnight, buddy.
385
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,999
Goodnight Papa Tom.
386
00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:12,999
Goodnight, son.
Goodnight, Lois.
Goodnight.
387
00:17:13,068 --> 00:17:14,765
Peter,
this is a little strange.
388
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:18,365
No stranger than when
Darth Vader was a meter maid.
389
00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:22,032
Come on, man. Cut me a break.
I was only in there for,
like, five minutes.
390
00:17:22,101 --> 00:17:23,765
I already started
writing the ticket.
391
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,132
You know, I make your
annual salary in a week.
392
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,932
Are you happy
doing what you're doing?
'Cause you're pathetic.
393
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:31,066
(SIGHS)
394
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:43,298
I gotta do it, Karen.
I just gotta take a shot.
395
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,698
That guy... That guy
just got to me today.
396
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:48,698
You do whatever you think
is right, and I'll support it.
397
00:17:50,434 --> 00:17:52,065
I don't really
understand it.
398
00:17:52,134 --> 00:17:53,732
What do you want
this loan for?
399
00:17:53,801 --> 00:17:56,866
I want to build
a giant space station
that can destroy a planet.
400
00:17:56,934 --> 00:18:00,065
I don't know that
that would be a good
investment on our end.
401
00:18:00,134 --> 00:18:01,866
I mean,
I want to open a sports bar.
402
00:18:01,934 --> 00:18:04,665
BRIAN: Good morning, Quahog.
403
00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:06,032
You're here with Dingo...
404
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,032
(DOG GROWLS)
405
00:18:08,101 --> 00:18:09,565
And the Baby...
406
00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:10,898
(BABY GURGLES)
407
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:12,598
And if you're thinking about
changing the station...
408
00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,999
MAN ON TAPE: Don't you do it!
409
00:18:15,068 --> 00:18:17,598
Today we got homeless Hank
from the dumpster
out back with us.
410
00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:19,066
Hey, I got an idea.
411
00:18:19,135 --> 00:18:20,865
How about
the first three women
willing to come down
412
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:24,498
and have sex with Hank
get free boob jobs
courtesy of Dr. John Viener?
413
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:26,865
Are you reading my mind, man?
Let's go to the phones.
414
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:29,832
Go ahead, caller, you're on
with Dingo and the Baby.
415
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,232
(BABY GURGLES)
416
00:18:31,301 --> 00:18:33,465
WOMAN: Is this Dingo?
Yes, honey, what's your name?
417
00:18:33,533 --> 00:18:36,166
Sindy, with an "S."
418
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:40,032
Ooh. Hot. Hot.
Oh, yeah,
that's hot, that is hot.
419
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:41,531
Tell me something, Sindy,
420
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,099
how'd you like to
come down here
and get naked for us?
421
00:18:43,168 --> 00:18:44,565
(CHUCKLES) Sure.
422
00:18:44,634 --> 00:18:46,131
(BOTH WHOOPING)
423
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,432
I think we got a show.
424
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,831
Oh, yeah, we got a show.
We definitely got a show.
425
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,032
Oh, yeah, there's a show.
426
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:55,131
MAN ON TAPE: After all,
AIDS is a deadly,
incurable disease.
427
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,432
But no matter how you come
to judge Charles Wheeler
and his partners
428
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,932
in ethical, moral,
and in human terms,
429
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,765
the fact of the matter is,
430
00:19:03,834 --> 00:19:07,965
when they fired Andrew Beckett
because he had AIDS,
431
00:19:08,034 --> 00:19:10,565
they broke the law.
432
00:19:10,634 --> 00:19:12,965
My God,
what is wrong with you?
433
00:19:13,034 --> 00:19:15,166
I swear to God that was
supposed to be "food fight."
434
00:19:18,267 --> 00:19:19,398
I want some ice cream.
435
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:22,465
No, Peter,
you finish your food.
436
00:19:22,533 --> 00:19:25,665
You, hey... You get back here
right now, mister.
437
00:19:25,733 --> 00:19:28,932
Don't you...
Get down from that chair
or you're in big trouble.
438
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,698
You put that
ice cream back right now.
439
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:37,465
I mean it.
I am not kidding around.
I am not gonna say it again.
440
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:41,265
If you put that ice cream
in your mouth, you're gonna
be in big trouble, young man.
441
00:19:41,333 --> 00:19:42,865
(MUTTERS)
442
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,198
(SOBBING)
443
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:51,265
I hate you, I hate you.
I want my mommy.
444
00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:52,965
Well, I'm the best you've got.
445
00:19:53,034 --> 00:19:54,133
All right,
so you know the drill.
446
00:19:54,201 --> 00:19:55,799
We're gonna turn on
the hot dog cannon,
447
00:19:55,868 --> 00:19:58,032
and for every hot dog
that you catch in your mouth,
448
00:19:58,101 --> 00:20:01,565
you get $100 toward a boob job
that you desperately need.
449
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,298
I know.
Okay, here we go.
450
00:20:04,867 --> 00:20:06,432
Oh. A miss.
451
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:08,632
Oh. You got her in the eye
with that one.
452
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:11,298
Whoa! That one was
a teat-seeking missile.
453
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:14,232
I'm looking for
Brian Griffin.
454
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:15,899
Gore Vidal?
455
00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:18,632
I was supposed to do
The Lunch Hour.
456
00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:20,999
This is The Lunch Hour.
457
00:20:21,068 --> 00:20:23,166
GIRL:
That one felt like my dad.
458
00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:26,266
WOMAN: Incest in the morning.
MAN: Suppressed memories.
459
00:20:26,335 --> 00:20:27,932
97.1.
460
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:30,298
I think I may have
made a mistake.
461
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:33,264
No, no, no, no, this is it.
You're in the right place.
462
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:36,032
Listen, why don't you
stick around and talk
for a while.
463
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:38,066
My listeners would
love to hear about
your new book.
464
00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:40,099
STEWIE: $100, boob job!
465
00:20:40,168 --> 00:20:41,898
I'm gonna go.
466
00:20:43,001 --> 00:20:44,899
Oh, my God,
what have I done?
467
00:20:44,967 --> 00:20:47,264
Hey, it's all about ratings,
baby, and we got 'em.
468
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:51,398
No, it wasn't worth it.
I'm sorry, Stewie,
I can't do this anymore.
469
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:55,198
I'm more of a sellout than
you were when you did those
Butterfinger commercials.
470
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:58,265
Nobody better lay a finger
on my Butterfinger.
471
00:21:02,134 --> 00:21:03,565
What's your problem?
472
00:21:03,633 --> 00:21:05,665
Papa Tom's being a jerk.
473
00:21:05,733 --> 00:21:07,099
At least he talks to you.
474
00:21:07,168 --> 00:21:10,232
He's my dad and he hasn't
paid attention to me in weeks.
475
00:21:10,301 --> 00:21:11,999
Well, all in all,
you should be thankful.
476
00:21:12,068 --> 00:21:15,232
I think the Kennedys
had a kid like you,
and they had it put to sleep.
477
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,966
Hey, Peter, I'm sorry
about that business
with the ice cream.
478
00:21:18,034 --> 00:21:21,266
I guess I'm just
still a little torn up
about your mom.
479
00:21:21,335 --> 00:21:23,198
But, hey,
I'll make it up to you.
Let's play catch.
480
00:21:23,266 --> 00:21:24,265
Okay.
481
00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:29,365
Wait a minute. You know what?
482
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:31,899
I think you should
play catch with Jake.
Really?
483
00:21:31,967 --> 00:21:35,032
Yeah, I had a taste
of what it was like
to have a real father.
484
00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:37,066
I can't make him share his.
485
00:21:37,134 --> 00:21:40,432
Well, all right, Peter.
Come on, Jake.
486
00:21:40,501 --> 00:21:43,865
I guess I've learned
a little something about what
it means to be a good dad.
487
00:21:43,934 --> 00:21:45,832
Hey, Dad, do you want
to play baseball?
488
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:50,199
Oh, my God, could you
leave me alone?
You are the neediest kid.
489
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,598
I can't believe
you gave up our show.
490
00:21:52,667 --> 00:21:53,765
Yeah, sorry.
491
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:56,732
I wonder who they
got to replace us.
492
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,631
It's magic hour
with Dark Chocolate...
And the Rod.
493
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:02,333
MAN: In Rod we trust.
494
00:22:02,467 --> 00:22:04,465
WOMAN: 97.1.
495
00:22:04,534 --> 00:22:05,932
Giggity Giggity Goo.