1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:06,132
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,201 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,932
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,066
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,134 --> 00:00:18,965
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,034 --> 00:00:22,732
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,365
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,433 --> 00:00:26,032
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,101 --> 00:00:30,965
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:38,331
All right, kids,
assembly is starting.
Now, please take your seats
11
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,431
for the following presentation
by the US Army.
12
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,932
(ALL GROANING)
13
00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:50,365
What's up, y'all?
I'm Sergeant Extreme!
And I'm Major Awesome!
14
00:00:50,434 --> 00:00:53,865
We're here to tell you
how much the army kicks ass!
15
00:00:53,934 --> 00:00:55,032
Check this out!
16
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:56,531
(MAN READING)
17
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:16,632
(MAN READING)
18
00:01:22,801 --> 00:01:26,365
The army sounds awesome!
And the recruiter said,
with any luck,
19
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:29,665
I could get the clap
from a 12-year-old
Chinese prostitute.
20
00:01:29,734 --> 00:01:32,032
Wow, that's great.
You'll be serving
your country,
21
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,366
just like American film legend
Mickey Rooney.
22
00:01:34,434 --> 00:01:37,498
Hi. I'm former biggest star
in the world Mickey Rooney.
23
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:41,098
And as you may know,
I am totally
and completely insane.
24
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,632
I like to yell at mice
with my shirt off.
25
00:01:43,701 --> 00:01:44,999
(YELLING)
26
00:01:46,366 --> 00:01:49,232
Sometimes, I like to steal
other people's scabs.
27
00:01:49,301 --> 00:01:50,698
(YELLING)
28
00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:55,998
How do I stay so crazy?
Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills!
29
00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:58,999
Take one with breakfast,
one with lunch,
and before you know it,
30
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:01,632
you'll be up on your roof,
pooping in the chimney.
31
00:02:01,701 --> 00:02:04,099
Hold out your stockings, kids!
32
00:02:04,168 --> 00:02:07,065
Chris, you can't
join the army.
You're too young.
33
00:02:07,134 --> 00:02:08,799
Besides, the army is weak.
34
00:02:08,868 --> 00:02:11,932
Now, the marines,
those are the men
you want to fuck.
35
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,665
Are you kidding, Lois?
The army's great! You get
to save money for college,
36
00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:19,565
there's free food,
and all the brown people
you can rape.
37
00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:23,298
I am sorry, but he is not
joining the army. Case closed.
38
00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:25,665
I can't believe
they're brainwashing kids
like Chris
39
00:02:25,733 --> 00:02:26,798
to serve in the military.
40
00:02:26,867 --> 00:02:28,498
Ah, yes, the bottom 10%
41
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:31,065
of our high-school class
is off to fight
another battle.
42
00:02:31,134 --> 00:02:32,798
You stole that
from The Onion.
What?
43
00:02:32,867 --> 00:02:35,231
You stole that.
I read that in The Onion.
About the war in Iraq.
44
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:38,998
Well, if that's true,
then I'd say they've got
some sharp cookies over at...
45
00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,132
What is it again?
The Onion?
46
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,965
So if I go up
to your room right now,
47
00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:43,698
I'm not gonna find a copy
of The Onion, right?
48
00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:44,831
No.
49
00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:46,665
(SCREAMS)
50
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:47,999
Damn it!
That's what I thought.
51
00:02:50,967 --> 00:02:53,998
MAN ON TV: Coming this fall,
if you loved
Everybody Loves Raymond,
52
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:57,732
then you'll love
his brother Robert even more,
in Robert.
53
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,498
I bet you Debra
really gave it to Ray today.
54
00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:04,532
I bet you she made a sandwich
that wasn't very good,
but he ate it anyway.
55
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:07,732
And then she got mad at him
'cause he gave her
a funny look.
56
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,398
I miss Ray.
57
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:11,932
(GROANS)
58
00:03:12,001 --> 00:03:15,865
I can't believe
Chris would just buy into that
army recruiter's sales pitch.
59
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:18,265
We can't let him enlist.
Don't worry, Lois.
60
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:21,299
All he needs is
an after-school activity
to get his mind off the army.
61
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,532
Just something
to distract him.
62
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,432
You know, like all of America
gets distracted
63
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:26,332
whenever a cute
white girl dies.
64
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:30,199
We regret to report that
not all the children on board
the school bus survived.
65
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:34,133
We have identified
the body of one victim,
nine-year-old Becky Gunderson.
66
00:03:34,201 --> 00:03:35,632
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
67
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:39,065
No, wait,
that's, uh, Becky Gutierrez.
That's not news.
68
00:03:41,734 --> 00:03:44,732
Brian, did you see
Revenge of the Sith?
Yeah, I saw part of it.
69
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,899
Why does Emperor Palpatine
have a desk?
Huh?
70
00:03:47,967 --> 00:03:49,332
You know that scene
where Yoda comes in
71
00:03:49,401 --> 00:03:50,665
and they are about
to have that big fight?
72
00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:52,932
Emperor Palpatine
clearly gets up from his desk.
73
00:03:53,001 --> 00:03:55,698
I mean, I'm just saying,
what does he,
what does he need a desk for?
74
00:03:55,767 --> 00:03:57,499
Who the hell cares?
75
00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:00,332
I'm just saying, it's weird.
I mean, like, what was he
doing at his desk?
76
00:04:00,401 --> 00:04:01,965
Like, right before
Yoda walked in.
77
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:03,665
What was he doing?
Was he doing paperwork?
78
00:04:03,734 --> 00:04:05,999
Was he, like,
"Oh, Yoda. What do you need,
79
00:04:06,068 --> 00:04:08,999
"and will it take
longer than five minutes?
I'm absolutely swamped.
80
00:04:09,068 --> 00:04:10,865
"These requisition forms
for new TIE fighters
81
00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:12,999
"have to be down to Debbie
in accounting by 6:00,
82
00:04:13,068 --> 00:04:15,699
"or Nute Gunray
is gonna pitch a tent
in my waiting room."
83
00:04:15,767 --> 00:04:16,799
(TIRES SCREECH)
84
00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:18,398
Brian, what are you doing?
85
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:21,732
Gymboree is that way.
Brian, it's parachute day!
86
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,732
I just want to swing by
the army recruiting center
87
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,865
and give a piece of my mind
to that jerk who tried
to brainwash Chris.
88
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,698
We are gonna be so late.
I'm not gonna have a partner.
89
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,532
I'm gonna have to be partners
with the teacher.
90
00:04:31,601 --> 00:04:34,232
It's just wrong
for the military
to mess with kids' minds.
91
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:36,532
They're all gonna wind up
in therapy, like Peter was.
92
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,099
Every time my daughter
opens her mouth,
93
00:04:38,168 --> 00:04:40,832
I just want to punch her
in the face.
She's really annoying.
94
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:41,999
All right, let's explore that.
95
00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:43,232
What the hell's wrong
with you?
96
00:04:43,301 --> 00:04:45,198
Your skin's, like,
moving around or something.
97
00:04:45,267 --> 00:04:47,099
I believe I'm having
some sort of seizure.
98
00:04:50,101 --> 00:04:52,865
What kind of
after-school activity
should I do, Dad?
99
00:04:52,934 --> 00:04:55,099
Well, Chris, there's a lot of
fun activities out there.
100
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,232
For example, I used to be
a horse whisperer.
101
00:04:59,434 --> 00:05:00,998
(WHISPERING)
102
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:04,466
Maybe if she spent
some time on the treadmill,
and I was drunk.
103
00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:05,732
(BOTH LAUGHING)
104
00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:07,231
I wouldn't, either.
105
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:10,265
I don't think
any of this stuff
is right for me, Dad.
106
00:05:10,334 --> 00:05:12,799
Let's just face it. I suck!
107
00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:17,799
Wait, wait. Hang on.
Are those the right words?
108
00:05:17,867 --> 00:05:19,199
"I wanna rock and roll
all night
109
00:05:19,268 --> 00:05:21,498
"and party the first Thursday
of every month"?
110
00:05:21,566 --> 00:05:23,564
Yeah, shouldn't it be
"party every day"?
111
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:26,266
Well, I think the question is,
if we are rocking and rolling
all night,
112
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,032
are we gonna
wanna party every day?
113
00:05:28,101 --> 00:05:29,631
Yeah, that's true.
114
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:32,965
How about,
"I wanna rock and roll
all night, party some days,
115
00:05:33,034 --> 00:05:35,531
"and on the other days
maybe just hang out
and watch a movie"?
116
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,065
PETER: Sounds like you guys
could use some fresh blood.
117
00:05:38,134 --> 00:05:40,065
This is my son, Chris.
You should hear his voice.
118
00:05:40,134 --> 00:05:41,798
It's absolutely gorgeous.
119
00:05:41,867 --> 00:05:44,166
Like Laura Dern,
if she didn't look
like a banana.
120
00:05:44,233 --> 00:05:47,432
He can sing?
Yeah, runs in the family.
See, look.
121
00:05:47,501 --> 00:05:49,098
♪ I am Peter Griffin
122
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:50,831
♪ I like fancy food
123
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:53,865
♪ I like reading comic books
and dressing like a dude ♪
124
00:05:53,934 --> 00:05:55,564
Yeah, rock and roll!
125
00:05:55,633 --> 00:05:57,065
(SCREAMING)
126
00:05:58,667 --> 00:05:59,865
Did you hear that?
127
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:02,132
Guys, I think we just found
our new lead singer.
128
00:06:02,267 --> 00:06:06,565
Awesome! I'm gonna be
a famous music star,
like Muddy Waters!
129
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:09,532
Muddy? Baby?
Everything all right in there?
130
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,431
MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about
to pass a kidney stone.
131
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,132
(PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION)
132
00:06:14,201 --> 00:06:15,698
(YELLS)
133
00:06:17,733 --> 00:06:19,498
(YELLS)
134
00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:22,932
(YELLS)
135
00:06:29,467 --> 00:06:31,365
Boy, I can't wait to lay
into that recruiter.
136
00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:32,732
Yes, you'll be about
as effective
137
00:06:32,801 --> 00:06:35,165
as the Wizard of Oz
was at granting wishes.
138
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,265
And, Dorothy,
you wanted herpes,
139
00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:39,865
but little did you know,
you've had herpes all along.
140
00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:41,665
I didn't want herpes!
141
00:06:41,733 --> 00:06:43,231
Oh.
142
00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:45,665
Well, you've got it.
143
00:06:45,734 --> 00:06:47,732
Yes, I'd like to see
the army recruiter.
144
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,232
Oh, you'll have to
have a seat.
There's a 25-minute wait.
145
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:52,532
Twenty-five minutes?
Oh, God.
146
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,464
All right,
I better go put more money
in the meter.
147
00:06:57,967 --> 00:07:00,798
Peggy, would you
send in the next...
Oh, you're already here.
148
00:07:00,867 --> 00:07:02,965
Say, aren't you a little young
to join the army?
149
00:07:03,034 --> 00:07:06,465
No, I have that, uh,
Webster disease.
150
00:07:06,534 --> 00:07:08,698
Hey, is that
the M9 double-action pistol?
151
00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:10,965
Sure is.
Standard issue in the army.
152
00:07:11,034 --> 00:07:12,632
Where do I sign?
Right here.
153
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,232
Did I mention
there's a $100 bonus
if you sign up a buddy?
154
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,798
Really? Well, I think I have
a surprise for somebody.
155
00:07:21,068 --> 00:07:22,298
There you are.
156
00:07:22,366 --> 00:07:25,032
Congratulations.
You are both in the army.
157
00:07:25,101 --> 00:07:27,465
We're both... What?
That's ridiculous.
158
00:07:27,533 --> 00:07:29,199
I'll tell you
what's ridiculous. The Kaiser.
159
00:07:29,267 --> 00:07:30,665
Somebody should put him
on a roll.
160
00:07:30,734 --> 00:07:32,699
♪ Over, we're coming over
161
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:35,199
♪ And we won't come back
till it's over, over there ♪
162
00:07:35,268 --> 00:07:37,899
Commercial! Damn!
Play me some filler, Johnnie.
163
00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:48,665
Okay, they're dead, all right?
We're not gonna be
seeing them again.
164
00:07:53,001 --> 00:07:56,332
My God, you are
the sorriest bunch of rejects
165
00:07:56,401 --> 00:07:59,832
I ever seen,
and I've seen The Bangles
in concert.
166
00:07:59,901 --> 00:08:02,332
You! Where are you from, boy?
Quahog.
167
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:05,765
They only got two things
in Quahog. Steers and queers!
168
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:09,299
I don't see no horns on you.
What does that make you, boy?
169
00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:10,498
Queer?
Right!
170
00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:12,164
Oh, I got it?
Yeah.
171
00:08:12,233 --> 00:08:14,832
You find something funny,
Private Dancer?
172
00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:17,799
Dancer for money,
any old music will do.
173
00:08:17,867 --> 00:08:20,932
Well, actually, yeah. Your
last little back-and-forth
there with Stewie,
174
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,865
that whole queer thing,
that was actually
pretty funny.
175
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:25,766
Oh, God!
176
00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:29,532
That's gotta hurt worse than
getting a birthday telegram
from Zinedine Zidane.
177
00:08:30,633 --> 00:08:31,898
Yes?
178
00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:34,898
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
179
00:08:40,001 --> 00:08:42,732
Yo, yo! What's up,
James Woods High?
180
00:08:42,801 --> 00:08:46,732
I'm Chris and this is
our band, Splash Log,
181
00:08:46,801 --> 00:08:49,332
and we're gonna
rock this place until...
182
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,832
(STAMMERS)
183
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:53,798
Until about 9:30, 'cause
that's when the dance is over.
184
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,898
(ALL CHEERING)
185
00:08:55,967 --> 00:08:58,966
♪ Evil monkey holds the key
186
00:08:59,034 --> 00:09:01,932
♪ Evil monkey's gonna get me
187
00:09:02,001 --> 00:09:05,931
♪ I'm hiding underneath
my sheets for fear
he'll point and show his teeth
188
00:09:06,968 --> 00:09:09,731
♪ Evil, evil monkey
189
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,032
♪ Evil, evil monkey
190
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:16,264
♪ Evil, evil monkey ♪
191
00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:17,765
(ALL SHOUTING)
192
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,032
(SCREAMS)
193
00:09:20,433 --> 00:09:21,732
Mayor West?
194
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,798
Quiet, young man.
Can't you see
we're having a poker game?
195
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:26,999
Now, I'll ask again.
196
00:09:27,068 --> 00:09:29,999
If I order a pizza,
will anyone else have some?
197
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:31,732
I might have a slice.
198
00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:34,598
Well, you know, I'm gonna
need more of a commitment
than that, Mark.
199
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,498
♪ West Side Story,
Anything Goes
200
00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,632
ALL: ♪ West Side Story,
Anything Goes
201
00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,765
♪ Two of my favorite
Broadway shows
202
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,865
♪ Two of my favorite
Broadway shows
203
00:09:44,933 --> 00:09:46,998
♪ Miss Saigon and Cabaret
204
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:49,132
♪ Miss Saigon and Cabaret
205
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,198
♪ Overrated, I should say
206
00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:53,265
♪ Overrated, I should say ♪
207
00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:55,465
One, two, three, four.
208
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,631
♪ Mambo! ♪
209
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:09,065
(PANTING)
210
00:10:11,101 --> 00:10:14,065
Griffin!
You got four legs there!
You better start using them!
211
00:10:14,134 --> 00:10:15,299
I'm trying, sir.
212
00:10:15,368 --> 00:10:17,466
You got five seconds
to get to the head
of the pack,
213
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:21,598
or this entire platoon
is gonna scrub the latrines
with their toothbrushes.
214
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:23,765
Oh, come on, Brian!
Don't screw us, Griffin!
215
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:26,131
Yeah, come on, don't screw us,
Brian Griffin!
216
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,598
Bill, how about thinking up
your jeers for a change, huh?
217
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:31,532
(PANTING)
218
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,433
Four! Three! Two!
Oh, come on, Brian, get up!
219
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:41,065
Time's up! You're pathetic,
Griffin! Pathetic!
220
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:49,264
Whose half-eaten dead bird
is in this footlocker?
221
00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:51,999
Let's say hypothetically
that it does belong
to someone in here.
222
00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:54,298
Would admission of that
allow that person to keep it?
223
00:10:54,366 --> 00:10:57,965
Private Griffin,
just for that, you have
to listen to one track
224
00:10:58,034 --> 00:10:59,632
from this Chris Gaines album.
225
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,832
Don't you think
that's a little extreme?
Two tracks!
226
00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:04,166
It's so stupid.
It's just Garth Brooks
in a wig.
227
00:11:04,234 --> 00:11:05,665
Three tracks!
Come on!
228
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,899
We can go all day
with this!
Yeah, but...
229
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:11,266
That's it! Every single track,
plus the hidden bonus track!
230
00:11:11,333 --> 00:11:14,798
There's a hidden bonus track?
Oh, I hope it's a ballad.
231
00:11:19,201 --> 00:11:21,099
Should I follow the knight
into the dungeon,
232
00:11:21,168 --> 00:11:23,266
or should I go back
the way I came?
233
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:26,065
I'll follow the knight.
Page 37, page 37.
234
00:11:26,134 --> 00:11:27,799
(EXCLAIMING)
235
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:30,032
I mean, go back the way
I came. I didn't take
my hand off the page.
236
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,465
You seen it, Lois, right?
You seen my hand on the page.
237
00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:33,798
Yeah, Peter, I seen it.
238
00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:34,899
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
239
00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:36,832
Oh, no, not again.
240
00:11:36,901 --> 00:11:39,198
You know, I'm glad Chris found
an activity he likes,
241
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,232
but why do they have
to use our garage?
242
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,065
Come on, Lois, sometimes
kids can be a handful.
243
00:11:44,134 --> 00:11:46,065
Look at
Gregory Peck's kids.
244
00:11:46,134 --> 00:11:48,898
Are we there yet?
It's crowded back here.
245
00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:52,465
Stop touching me.
Your leg is rubbing up
against mine.
246
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:56,265
Hey! Quiet down
or I'm pulling over.
Stop breathing on the window.
247
00:11:56,334 --> 00:11:59,898
You idiot,
that's condensation.
It's on the outside.
248
00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:02,931
That's it!
I will come back there
and, so help me God,
249
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,598
I will hit you
with my ring hand.
250
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,665
What the hell are you doing?
251
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,165
What does it look like
I'm doing? I'm leaving.
252
00:12:16,233 --> 00:12:18,298
You can't leave, man.
That's desertion.
253
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:21,765
They'll come after you,
like Peter went after
that hockey coach.
254
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:23,398
Oh, no clip?
255
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:26,465
Oh, thought we had a clip.
Nope. Okay.
You can't leave, Brian.
256
00:12:26,534 --> 00:12:28,831
You'll get life in prison.
I'll take my chances.
257
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,699
Let me ask you this.
When was the last time
258
00:12:30,768 --> 00:12:32,432
you saw something
through to the end?
259
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:35,331
Well, I, uh...
Never, that's when!
You need this, Brian.
260
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,865
You dropped out of college.
You still haven't
finished your novel.
261
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:39,665
Do you know
what you lack? Discipline!
262
00:12:39,734 --> 00:12:42,464
And do you know
where you'll get it?
Right here in the army!
263
00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:44,499
Boy, you know what?
You're right.
264
00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:47,565
Everything I've ever done,
I've crapped out
on halfway through.
265
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:50,365
Well, not this time.
I am going to finish
what I started.
266
00:12:50,434 --> 00:12:53,365
That's the spirit!
You can do anything
you put your mind to.
267
00:12:53,434 --> 00:12:56,565
MAN 1: You know,
it's really hard to masturbate
with you guys talking.
268
00:12:56,634 --> 00:12:58,231
MAN 2: Not for me!
269
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:01,598
♪ Evil, evil monkey ♪
270
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:04,066
Chris, will you knock
that off for two minutes?
271
00:13:04,134 --> 00:13:06,932
We want to talk to you.
Take five, guys.
272
00:13:07,001 --> 00:13:08,632
What do you
buttheads want?
273
00:13:08,701 --> 00:13:10,565
You've been playing
with your friends
long enough.
274
00:13:10,634 --> 00:13:13,199
Now it's time
for you to come inside
and do your homework.
275
00:13:13,267 --> 00:13:15,832
It's time for you
to piss off, redhead.
What?
276
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:18,099
Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk
to your mother that way.
277
00:13:18,168 --> 00:13:21,166
Oh, way to stand up
for your woman there, fatty.
278
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:23,865
Chris, what the hell
is going on with you lately?
279
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:25,498
Ever since you
hooked up with this band,
280
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:28,531
you're like
a completely different person,
and I don't like it one bit.
281
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,464
I am expressing myself!
Now, get out of my way!
282
00:13:32,533 --> 00:13:34,098
I'm going to the park
to loiter.
283
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:40,498
What the hell is his problem?
I don't know.
284
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:44,032
He's acting worse than you did
when you tried to cover
your farts by coughing.
285
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,166
Okay, welcome
to the PTA meeting.
286
00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:47,598
On the subject
of school lunches,
287
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:49,432
I know there's been
some concern about nutrition.
288
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:50,632
(FARTING)
289
00:13:50,701 --> 00:13:52,465
We've had complaints
about the soda machines,
290
00:13:52,534 --> 00:13:53,532
(FARTING)
291
00:13:53,601 --> 00:13:55,132
and I have spoken
with the school board.
292
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,732
(FARTING)
293
00:13:56,801 --> 00:13:59,998
Is there something
you'd like to say,
Mr. Griffin?
294
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:01,332
No.
295
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,698
(FARTING)
296
00:14:03,566 --> 00:14:04,999
No. No, I'm good.
297
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:06,099
(FARTING)
298
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,099
All right, men.
299
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:12,832
This obstacle course
represents the final test
of your training.
300
00:14:12,901 --> 00:14:15,665
Almost all of you
have completed it
in the allotted time.
301
00:14:15,734 --> 00:14:19,266
But as you know, as a unit,
you either all graduate,
302
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:20,766
or none of you graduate.
303
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:22,432
Griffin, it's up to you.
304
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:25,265
All right,
you can do this, Brian.
Come on, pray with me.
305
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:30,198
Dear Lord,
just stay out of our way.
Okay, good luck.
306
00:14:30,266 --> 00:14:31,732
And go!
307
00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:53,265
There's Waldo.
308
00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:58,631
Fresh pepper?
Yes, thank you.
309
00:14:58,701 --> 00:15:01,799
Oh, that's plenty, thanks.
None for me, thanks.
310
00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:03,832
My boyfriend
just dumped me.
311
00:15:03,901 --> 00:15:06,332
There's a lot of fish
in the sea. It's always
darkest before the dawn.
312
00:15:06,401 --> 00:15:07,999
If it's not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.
313
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:09,198
Thanks!
314
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:10,866
(ALL CHEERING)
315
00:15:10,934 --> 00:15:12,299
You did it, Brian!
You did it!
316
00:15:12,368 --> 00:15:14,632
Oh, I say, this is an
even bigger accomplishment
317
00:15:14,701 --> 00:15:17,464
than getting Minnie Driver's
head to fit onscreen.
318
00:15:17,534 --> 00:15:18,966
MAN 1: Okay, back up.
319
00:15:19,034 --> 00:15:22,331
Further.
Move back some more.
MAN 2: What?
320
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,765
Back up some more.
I'm as far away as I can get.
321
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:28,132
Okay, have her enter.
Action!
322
00:15:28,901 --> 00:15:30,132
Damn it. Cut!
323
00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:36,298
Congratulations, men.
You've all passed
basic training.
324
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:38,065
I'm proud
to call you soldiers.
325
00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:40,565
I'm sure
you'll do your country proud
tomorrow morning,
326
00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:42,899
when you're all
shipped off to Iraq.
327
00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:44,265
What?
Oh, don't worry.
328
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,065
I'm sure he means
Fraggle Iraq.
329
00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:54,732
This isn't so bad.
330
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,265
Yes, the people
are friendly.
331
00:15:56,334 --> 00:15:59,532
I say the media has
totally blown this whole thing
out of proportion.
332
00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:02,966
Okay, I go in store.
I throw backpack.
Big boom.
333
00:16:03,034 --> 00:16:05,799
No, no, no. You are big boom.
Big hero.
334
00:16:05,868 --> 00:16:08,233
Okay, right.
So I throw backpack,
335
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,832
come back
and have big hero party
with many virgins.
336
00:16:10,901 --> 00:16:15,932
No, no, no, no, no. You boom!
Okay, okay.
I put on backpack, boom.
337
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:19,032
Then I come back,
be hero, virgins.
338
00:16:19,101 --> 00:16:21,532
Okay, yeah,
see you in a few minutes,
big hero.
339
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,598
MAN ON RADIO: Unit 17,
this is base. Please report.
340
00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:26,498
10-four,
everything is Charlie 40 60.
What does that mean?
341
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,865
I don't know. I just thought
you're supposed to say
names and numbers.
342
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,098
Nobody's corrected me
so far.
343
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:31,165
(EXPLOSION)
344
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:32,999
(SCREAMING)
What the hell was that?
345
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,599
Help, help! I mean Charlie,
Tango, Cash,
346
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:40,498
47 Victor Charlie,
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!
347
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,364
MAN ON RADIO: Roger that.
We're moving to your position.
348
00:16:42,433 --> 00:16:43,498
(BOTH GRUNTING)
349
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:49,498
Chris, your father and I
are very upset
by this new attitude of yours.
350
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:51,798
I don't care
what you think of me!
351
00:16:51,867 --> 00:16:53,099
Oh, God. I envy that.
352
00:16:53,168 --> 00:16:55,832
I am so self-conscious
about what people think of me.
353
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,598
I am out of here.
354
00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:01,365
You know, I think I may have
an idea what's causing
his behavior, Peter.
355
00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:04,364
Look at all this stuff.
356
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:09,565
Listen to these lyrics.
"I rip it hardcore
like porno-flick bitches.
357
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:13,032
"I roll with groups
of ghetto bastards
with biscuits."
358
00:17:13,101 --> 00:17:15,398
Oh, look,
they got a translation
for white people.
359
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:19,298
"I give 110% when it comes
to helping my community,
360
00:17:19,366 --> 00:17:21,231
"even though
I occasionally associate
361
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:23,498
"with some
less-than-reputable
characters."
362
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,798
Peter, these lyrics
are filthy.
363
00:17:25,867 --> 00:17:28,965
All this violent music
is what's screwing Chris up.
364
00:17:29,034 --> 00:17:32,198
What the hell?
Marilyn Manson?
365
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:33,765
Is that
who's causing all this?
366
00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:35,799
Yeah, it's all him
or her's fault.
367
00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:38,166
Who does he or she
think he or she is?
368
00:17:38,234 --> 00:17:40,299
Look, you can totally see
his or her nipples.
369
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:41,531
That's obscene, maybe.
370
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,065
There's only one thing to do.
You're right.
371
00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:46,132
We've gotta find
this Marilyn Manson
372
00:17:46,201 --> 00:17:49,065
and I gotta give
that bastard or bitch
a piece of my mind or penis.
373
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,231
All right,
it shouldn't be too hard
to get ourselves kicked out.
374
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:57,331
Right, we've just
gotta convince them
we're not army material.
375
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,299
Ready?
All right, let's do it.
376
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:04,532
Wow, look at how gay we are.
I am so gay with my gayness.
377
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,465
Me too. I'm...
I'm a homo.
378
00:18:07,534 --> 00:18:09,932
Any room for one more?
Hell, yeah!
379
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:15,932
All right, last resort.
We get injured and go home
with Purple Hearts.
380
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,266
Shoot me in the foot.
What? Shoot yourself
in the foot.
381
00:18:18,335 --> 00:18:19,865
No, no, no, no.
They can tell by the angle.
382
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,432
Here, you shoot me
and I'll shoot you.
383
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,532
I don't think
this is gonna work.
Of course it will work.
384
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,131
Ready? One, two, three.
385
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,132
(GROANING) Damn it!
Oh, my God, that hurts!
386
00:18:30,201 --> 00:18:32,065
I think you missed me.
All right, I'll try again.
387
00:18:32,134 --> 00:18:34,331
No, no, no. Hang on,
that looks like it's painful.
388
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,198
Of course it's painful.
There's a bullet in my foot.
389
00:18:36,267 --> 00:18:37,698
Now, get over here.
No, no, no, no, no.
390
00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:39,298
I've changed my mind.
I don't wanna do it.
391
00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:42,298
Come on, we had a deal.
No, no, no.
Don't point that at me.
392
00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:46,032
Okay, come on.
This is not helping,
for God's sake.
393
00:18:46,101 --> 00:18:47,732
(GROANING) Oh, you got me.
394
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,132
Let me see it.
No, no. It's gross.
395
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,265
Let me see it.
No. No, I don't want
to gross you out.
396
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:55,398
(GROANING)
We are in so much pain,
right now. The two of us.
397
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:58,165
Okay, that was real!
398
00:18:58,233 --> 00:19:02,265
Hey, hi. I'm Private Stewie
and this is Private Brian.
399
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:04,198
We both got shot
in the foot,
400
00:19:04,267 --> 00:19:07,232
so we figured
an honorable discharge
would be in order.
401
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,465
And you could just
send us back to the States.
402
00:19:09,533 --> 00:19:11,598
Getting shot doesn't
get you out of here anymore.
403
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:13,865
What?
Yeah, we take
whatever we can get.
404
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:17,531
I mean, we got two dead guys
guarding the ammunition.
405
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,132
Sorry guys, you are here
until the job is done.
406
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:23,532
Great news, everybody.
Democracy just kicked in.
407
00:19:37,967 --> 00:19:39,632
(GIGGLING)
408
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:46,932
So, it's over?
That seems unlikely.
409
00:19:47,001 --> 00:19:48,232
Amazing.
410
00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:50,298
There was only one man
in the world with the vision
411
00:19:50,367 --> 00:19:51,798
to predict something
like this.
412
00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:55,665
Damn!
413
00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:59,232
Laura! Laura! Laura!
414
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:10,098
And the Grammy
for biggest posse
goes to Ja Rule.
415
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:14,065
What?
No, Madonna. Posse. Posse.
416
00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:15,131
Oh.
417
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:20,598
All right, Marilyn Manson
has to be here somewhere.
418
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:22,999
Good thing we distracted
that guard with that riddle.
419
00:20:23,068 --> 00:20:25,965
What gets wetter as it dries?
420
00:20:26,034 --> 00:20:28,065
A towel. Hey, I've been had!
421
00:20:29,533 --> 00:20:31,632
Hey, look. Right over there.
422
00:20:31,701 --> 00:20:33,498
Hey, Manson.
423
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,832
What in the world
was that for?
Oh, it's a guy.
424
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,765
That's for ruining our son.
425
00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:41,266
He used to be a sweet boy
until he heard your music.
426
00:20:41,335 --> 00:20:45,732
(LAUGHING) This old story.
If I had a nickel. All right.
Where's your son?
427
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:49,731
♪ I'm hiding underneath
my sheets for fear he'll point
and show his teeth ♪
428
00:20:49,801 --> 00:20:52,365
LOIS: Chris, we brought
someone you might
like to meet.
429
00:20:52,434 --> 00:20:53,432
(ALL GASPING)
430
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,098
Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson.
431
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:59,232
Hey there, Chris.
You working hard
or hardly working?
432
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,965
So, I see
you're in a band.
Yep!
433
00:21:03,034 --> 00:21:05,498
Listen, your parents
tell me you've been
acting out a little bit,
434
00:21:05,567 --> 00:21:09,032
and I just wanted to tell you
rock and roll music is cool,
435
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:12,232
but respect for your elders
is a tune we can all dance to.
436
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:13,932
Really?
Sure.
437
00:21:14,001 --> 00:21:17,165
And the best way
to start a fun-filled day
of being a good citizen
438
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:20,265
is with a healthy breakfast,
rich in breads and grains.
439
00:21:20,334 --> 00:21:21,965
And fruits are important too.
440
00:21:22,034 --> 00:21:24,866
You mean like apples,
oranges and bananas?
441
00:21:24,934 --> 00:21:27,099
Any of them, Chris.
You can't miss.
442
00:21:27,168 --> 00:21:29,598
And now I think your parents
have something to say.
443
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:33,198
Chris, you don't really
believe all the things
in those song lyrics, do you?
444
00:21:33,267 --> 00:21:34,365
No.
445
00:21:34,434 --> 00:21:36,432
Then why you been acting
like such a punk?
446
00:21:36,501 --> 00:21:40,065
I guess I don't really know.
I think I have an idea.
447
00:21:40,134 --> 00:21:43,332
Peter, when was the last time
you and Chris here
did something together?
448
00:21:43,401 --> 00:21:45,099
Boy, I guess
it's been a while.
449
00:21:45,167 --> 00:21:46,866
Here's something
you might not know.
450
00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:48,766
Children crave structure.
451
00:21:48,834 --> 00:21:50,965
They enjoy the fun
of planned activities
452
00:21:51,034 --> 00:21:52,999
in which they
and their parent or guardian
453
00:21:53,067 --> 00:21:56,132
can share a common goal.
Maybe you could
take Chris fishing.
454
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,565
What do you say, Chris?
You wanna go fishing
with your old man?
455
00:21:59,634 --> 00:22:02,498
Do I?
Can't go without these.