1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,932
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,001 --> 00:00:09,364
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,433 --> 00:00:12,866
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:15,998
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,331
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,598
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:26,298
(PETER SCREAMING)
9
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,266
Damn it!
Peter, are you all right?
10
00:00:30,333 --> 00:00:32,099
No. No, I think you
should call somebody.
11
00:00:32,168 --> 00:00:34,899
Ma'am, are you all right?
I can't breathe.
12
00:00:34,967 --> 00:00:36,665
Oh, God!
I think she punctured a lung.
13
00:00:36,733 --> 00:00:40,166
Oh, damn it, look at my foot.
It's already
starting to swell up.
14
00:00:40,234 --> 00:00:41,799
Yeah, I'm looking
forward to this week.
15
00:00:41,867 --> 00:00:43,398
Freaking
swelled foot all week.
16
00:00:43,467 --> 00:00:44,632
You know, we should...
17
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:46,199
You should probably go ahead
and shut that off.
18
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,564
(DOORBELL DINGS)
19
00:00:52,633 --> 00:00:55,398
Well, hey, Quagmire.
How was Florida?
Oh, it was great.
20
00:00:55,466 --> 00:00:57,531
And guess what,
I smuggled a whole
bunch of fireworks
21
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,132
back in my anus.
22
00:00:59,201 --> 00:01:01,431
Quagmire, fireworks
aren't illegal here.
23
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,698
You could have just
put them in your car
and driven them up here.
24
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,166
Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.
25
00:01:09,768 --> 00:01:11,999
All right, Meg,
you be David Koresh,
26
00:01:12,068 --> 00:01:15,066
and I'll be
a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go!
27
00:01:15,134 --> 00:01:16,365
(MEG SCREAMING)
28
00:01:16,433 --> 00:01:18,565
(FIREWORKS POPPING)
29
00:01:18,634 --> 00:01:22,698
Hey, you,
you're a crazy person,
come out of there, you!
30
00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:25,565
Quagmire, check it out.
31
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:28,132
I took 10 M-80s
and stuck them all together.
32
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:32,932
I call it Peter
Griffin's bunker-busting,
mega-ultra super...
33
00:01:33,001 --> 00:01:34,032
(SCREAMING)
34
00:01:34,101 --> 00:01:35,465
Holy crap!
35
00:01:35,534 --> 00:01:37,132
(ALL SCREAMING)
36
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,765
Oh, my God! You blew
off all your fingers.
37
00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:41,965
What happened?
Oh, my God!
38
00:01:42,034 --> 00:01:44,866
You know, no huge hurry,
but I'm sort of out
of juice over here.
39
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:47,999
Bone dry.
40
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,765
There's one of Dad's fingers.
We have to hurry.
41
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,865
I learned in biology,
if you get them
back soon enough,
42
00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:54,065
they can be reattached.
43
00:01:54,134 --> 00:01:55,732
What's all the commotion?
44
00:01:57,767 --> 00:01:59,265
Hey, there's one of them.
45
00:02:02,434 --> 00:02:03,932
Peter, look out!
46
00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:06,866
(GROANING)
47
00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:10,464
Go on, Jesse.
Make your peeps and poops.
48
00:02:10,533 --> 00:02:11,732
Mmm.
49
00:02:11,801 --> 00:02:14,399
That's gonna
feel good for Jesse.
50
00:02:19,867 --> 00:02:21,432
Mmm.
51
00:02:29,034 --> 00:02:30,732
Mmm.
52
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:42,898
Damn it!
53
00:02:44,134 --> 00:02:45,965
Maybe if we make it mad,
it will come down here,
54
00:02:46,034 --> 00:02:47,531
and we can catch it
and get the finger.
55
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,732
Hey, bird!
Your poop is white and green.
56
00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:53,331
You're the laughingstock
of the poop world.
57
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,166
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I knew that would get you.
58
00:02:57,234 --> 00:02:58,965
Yeah. Yeah. Come here,
you little son of a bitch!
59
00:02:59,034 --> 00:03:01,465
Come here!
Stop it! Stop pecking me!
60
00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:02,632
(PETER SCREAMING)
61
00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:03,898
(GUN FIRES)
62
00:03:06,335 --> 00:03:09,266
Thanks, Joe.
Let's plant a knife
on him just to be safe.
63
00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:12,232
Good thinking.
Yeah, I know how
these things go down.
64
00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:20,831
Hey, there, we were supposed
to have brunch this morning.
65
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,132
Oh, yeah, sorry,
I had a late night.
66
00:03:23,201 --> 00:03:24,599
Late night, huh?
67
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,866
What's her name, Brian?
What are you talking about?
68
00:03:26,934 --> 00:03:29,299
Oh, spare me the theatrics.
I see the signs,
69
00:03:29,368 --> 00:03:32,532
the excuses for why
we can't hang out,
the inside-out collar.
70
00:03:32,601 --> 00:03:34,299
If I didn't recognize
what was going on here,
71
00:03:34,368 --> 00:03:36,265
I would have to be as dim
as those retirees
72
00:03:36,334 --> 00:03:37,766
I entertain every Thursday.
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00:03:39,968 --> 00:03:42,233
♪ There is a hole in
the bottom of the sea
74
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:44,331
♪ There is a hole in
the bottom of the sea
75
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,632
♪ There's a hole,
there's a hole
76
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,898
♪ there's a hole
in the bottom of the sea ♪
77
00:03:50,234 --> 00:03:52,399
All right, we're getting
a little faster here now.
78
00:03:52,467 --> 00:03:53,932
And you know what?
79
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:56,298
I think there is
something else down there
in the bottom of the sea.
80
00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:58,732
Something that you will be
able to relate to.
81
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:01,732
♪ There is a tube in the
throat of the elderly man
in the hospital bed
82
00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:04,598
♪ On the frog on the log
in the hole in the bottom
of the sea
83
00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:07,465
♪ There is a tube in the
throat of the elderly man
in the hospital bed
84
00:04:07,533 --> 00:04:10,199
♪ On the frog on the log
in the hole in the bottom
of the sea
85
00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:12,431
♪ There's a hole,
there's a hole
86
00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:14,632
♪ there's a hole
in the bottom of the sea ♪
87
00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:17,531
Oh, what is this?
88
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,999
♪ There's a birthday
cake for Mr. Cohen
89
00:04:20,068 --> 00:04:24,498
♪ On the frog on the log
in the hole in the bottom
of the sea
90
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:26,799
♪ There's a birthday cake
for Mr. Cohen
91
00:04:26,868 --> 00:04:29,032
♪ in the hole
in the bottom of the sea
92
00:04:29,101 --> 00:04:30,099
Get a nurse.
93
00:04:30,168 --> 00:04:32,265
♪ There's a hole,
there's a hole
94
00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:35,165
♪ there's a hole
in the bottom of the sea ♪
95
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:36,632
Look, Brian,
I think it's wonderful
96
00:04:36,701 --> 00:04:38,832
you found a young lady
willing to
stoop to your level.
97
00:04:38,901 --> 00:04:39,966
When do I get to meet her?
98
00:04:40,034 --> 00:04:41,264
No, no. No way.
99
00:04:41,333 --> 00:04:43,599
Oh, I see,
I get it, she's hideous.
100
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:44,765
She's not hideous.
101
00:04:44,834 --> 00:04:46,198
Oh! Well,
let me ask you something.
102
00:04:46,266 --> 00:04:47,599
Does she have an alibi?
103
00:04:47,667 --> 00:04:49,231
For what?
Why would she need an alibi?
104
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,331
So, you're saying
she does not have an alibi.
105
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:52,665
Well, no.
106
00:04:52,734 --> 00:04:54,732
Okay, so, we've established
she ain't got no alibi.
107
00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:56,465
♪ She ugly
She ugly
108
00:04:56,533 --> 00:04:59,899
♪ U-G-L-Y she ain't got
no alibi, she ugly
109
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:00,966
Screw off.
110
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,765
♪ "M" she's major ugly
111
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:07,532
♪ "O" she is fat and pugly
Oh, my God,
now the cow says moo ♪
112
00:05:10,867 --> 00:05:14,198
Here's to Peter
getting his fingers back.
Thanks, Joe.
113
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:16,132
Oh, boy, I tell you
I haven't felt this good
114
00:05:16,201 --> 00:05:18,465
since I came up
with that new place
to hide my porn.
115
00:05:19,266 --> 00:05:21,333
Have a good day, sweetie.
116
00:05:21,401 --> 00:05:22,932
(SIGHS)
117
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:25,932
(BEEPING)
118
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,832
(SPY MUSIC PLAYING)
119
00:05:36,366 --> 00:05:38,198
Hey, Greg.
Afternoon, Mr. Griffin.
120
00:05:38,267 --> 00:05:40,665
Mrs. Griffin out today? Ah.
Shopping.
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00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,866
She's hot.
122
00:06:14,934 --> 00:06:17,365
All right,
last call, fellows.
It's closing time.
123
00:06:17,433 --> 00:06:19,364
Oh, crap!
I'm not even half-buzzed.
124
00:06:19,433 --> 00:06:21,298
Hey, what do you guys say
we take this
party on the road?
125
00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:22,632
Fine by me.
126
00:06:22,701 --> 00:06:24,299
Skinemax doesn't kick in
with the really dirty stuff
127
00:06:24,368 --> 00:06:25,399
till about 3:00 anyway.
128
00:06:25,467 --> 00:06:26,999
They had one on last night
129
00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:29,032
where the girl
had a butt-face,
130
00:06:29,101 --> 00:06:31,165
but her breasts
was immaculate.
131
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,299
Peter, you sure
it's okay to be
at the brewery after hours?
132
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:40,331
Relax, Joe,
this is where I work.
133
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,365
Besides, it sure beats
the hell out of last Saturday
134
00:06:42,433 --> 00:06:45,065
when we partied with
that big-horned
guy from Legend.
135
00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:48,098
You guys wanna go
to IHOP, get some breakfast
or something?
136
00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:50,966
God, I don't know, big-horned
guy, it's like 3:00 a.m.
137
00:06:51,034 --> 00:06:53,366
Oh, that sucks, man!
I'm wide awake.
Hey, Quagmire, you want...
138
00:06:53,434 --> 00:06:55,632
(SCREAMING)
139
00:06:55,701 --> 00:06:57,432
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man!
140
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:58,698
Are you okay?
No!
141
00:06:58,767 --> 00:06:59,765
I didn't see him.
142
00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:01,198
(SCREAMING)
143
00:07:01,267 --> 00:07:02,832
(MEN LAUGHING)
144
00:07:02,901 --> 00:07:04,398
Okay. Okay, guys,
here's one.
145
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:07,665
If you were God,
who would you
strike down first?
146
00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:10,199
Debra Messing.
I find her insufferable.
147
00:07:10,268 --> 00:07:11,598
French Stewart.
148
00:07:11,667 --> 00:07:15,266
What are you squinting about?
It's not even that bright.
149
00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:16,431
Yeah, he is terrible.
150
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,665
What we need out there now
is another Tim Daly.
151
00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:21,099
Who's Tim Daly?
I don't even
know who that is.
152
00:07:21,168 --> 00:07:22,832
From Wings.
Nope.
153
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:26,099
Tim Daly, he was
on Wings. What, nobody
here watched Wings?
154
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:29,099
Is that the one where there is
a guy and he's like...
He's a pilot or something?
155
00:07:29,168 --> 00:07:31,598
No, it's two guys,
they are brothers,
and they are both pilots.
156
00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:34,199
Hey, wasn't there a fat guy
with a mustache?
157
00:07:34,268 --> 00:07:36,065
That was Roy, he's hilarious.
158
00:07:36,134 --> 00:07:37,531
Was this a cartoon?
159
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,598
No... Oh, my God! No! No!
It took place in an airport!
160
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:42,932
The thing was
on for 10 years!
161
00:07:43,001 --> 00:07:45,298
And the funny
repair guy was Lowell.
162
00:07:45,366 --> 00:07:47,166
It made Tony
Shalhoub's career!
163
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,765
Who?
The tennis player?
164
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:52,166
You know what,
screw you guys.
I don't even know you.
165
00:07:52,234 --> 00:07:55,431
Crazy people,
living under a rock,
don't know Wings.
166
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,765
I love Wings.
167
00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:02,598
All right,
I want to be very
clear about this.
168
00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:05,364
You can meet her,
chat for a minute,
and that's it. In and out.
169
00:08:05,433 --> 00:08:07,865
Don't worry, Brian,
if she is as ugly
as I think she is,
170
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:09,498
I'll look at her once,
and then I'll go...
171
00:08:09,566 --> 00:08:11,665
(IMITATING RETCHING)
172
00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:13,331
All over the place.
173
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,499
Then you'll wipe it up,
and then we will go.
174
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:19,665
Hi, Brian. Oh, my God!
Who is your
cute little friend?
175
00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:22,599
Oh, my!
Hello. Stewie. Charmed.
176
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:25,565
I'm Jillian, come on in.
Who wants a drink?
177
00:08:28,233 --> 00:08:29,966
So, are you gonna take back
what you said?
178
00:08:30,034 --> 00:08:31,399
Brian, she's stunning.
179
00:08:31,468 --> 00:08:33,032
Okay, you met her.
You can scram now.
180
00:08:33,101 --> 00:08:34,699
I shall do no such thing.
181
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:37,265
Now, why in the world
would you be embarrassed
about dating her?
182
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:38,832
Oh, my God, Brian.
183
00:08:38,901 --> 00:08:42,631
I was watching
something on TV
about this guy named Hitler.
184
00:08:42,701 --> 00:08:45,331
Somebody should stop him.
185
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,731
Is she retarded?
Can you please leave now?
186
00:08:47,801 --> 00:08:51,364
Oh, now I get it,
she's a moron.
187
00:08:51,433 --> 00:08:53,032
But a moron
with large breasts
188
00:08:53,101 --> 00:08:55,331
you can use as mountains
for your Matchbox cars
189
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,266
or whatever it is
grown-ups do
with large breasts.
190
00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:58,799
Shut up,
that's not it at all.
191
00:08:58,867 --> 00:09:00,865
Say, Jillian,
I love what you have done
with the place.
192
00:09:00,934 --> 00:09:02,732
What is it?
One bedroom, one bath?
193
00:09:02,801 --> 00:09:05,132
No, it's a whole apartment.
194
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,432
Oh, God, outstanding!
195
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:12,665
So, Stewie,
do you work with Brian
at the detective agency?
196
00:09:12,734 --> 00:09:14,732
Why, yes,
as a matter of fact I do.
197
00:09:14,801 --> 00:09:16,765
At the detective agency.
198
00:09:16,834 --> 00:09:18,998
That's got to be a tough job.
199
00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:22,799
I know Brian's work has him
coming and going at all
hours of the night.
200
00:09:22,867 --> 00:09:24,632
I bet it does. I bet it does.
201
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:26,531
Okay, well,
Stewie has to go now.
202
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,532
What are you talking about?
I want some more of Jillian's
delicious lemonade.
203
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,332
I know. It's good, right?
204
00:09:31,401 --> 00:09:34,899
I just wish they
didn't have to kill
so many lemons to make it.
205
00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:37,166
Oh, this is fun, huh?
206
00:09:37,235 --> 00:09:38,365
(SIGHS)
207
00:09:43,266 --> 00:09:47,265
So, wait, Dupree moves in
with Kate Hudson
and Matt Dillon?
208
00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:49,432
But they're newlyweds, right?
209
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:53,199
Well, that's no time
to have a house guest.
Got to go.
210
00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,498
Sorry, Angela,
211
00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:56,298
every Tuesday morning
I call my friend Cleveland,
212
00:09:56,366 --> 00:09:58,999
and he describes every scene
from You, Me and Dupree.
213
00:09:59,068 --> 00:10:01,765
Griffin,
your work output this week
is even worse than usual.
214
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,431
Where the hell are
those purchase orders?
215
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,665
Yeah, it's this bum hand.
I can't type with it.
216
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,498
Well, that's not my problem.
217
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:09,966
I need to see
some improvement
by the end of the week,
218
00:10:10,034 --> 00:10:12,265
or you're finished.
Don't worry,
I'll figure something out.
219
00:10:12,334 --> 00:10:13,832
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
220
00:10:13,901 --> 00:10:15,499
Oh, that's going
to be Quagmire
with Along Came Polly.
221
00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:16,865
I got to take that.
222
00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:18,632
All right, so as you know,
by this point in the story,
223
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:21,065
Ben Stiller
doesn't like spicy food.
224
00:10:21,134 --> 00:10:23,165
Well, guess
what's for dinner!
225
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:25,331
No way.
226
00:10:28,034 --> 00:10:29,565
Boy, Lois,
thanks so much for coming in
227
00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:31,132
and helping me
get my work done.
228
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,365
Without you,
Angela would have
been all over my case.
229
00:10:33,434 --> 00:10:34,698
Oh, it's all right, Peter,
230
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,831
I know it's
tough for you to work
with your hand injury.
231
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,432
Hey, you know,
with you sitting there,
232
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:40,731
it's kind of like
you're my secretary.
233
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,165
Well, let's not get
carried away, Peter.
234
00:10:43,233 --> 00:10:45,231
Now please, I'm
trying to finish your work.
235
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:47,999
You know,
Lois, if I'm your boss,
I got to look like a boss.
236
00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:49,632
Finally, I have
a reason to wear
237
00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:51,198
this big bow tie
and cigar I bought
238
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,232
at the Dress
For Success store.
239
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:55,298
Peter, if you want
this work to get done...
240
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:57,065
Lois, take a letter.
241
00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,165
Dear Life Cereal,
242
00:10:59,234 --> 00:11:01,365
where do you get off?
243
00:11:01,434 --> 00:11:04,564
"Part of a balanced breakfast
and delicious"?
244
00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:06,965
Who do you think you are?
245
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,665
By now, you may have guessed
I'm speaking ironically
246
00:11:09,733 --> 00:11:13,065
and have nothing
but good things
to say about what you do.
247
00:11:13,134 --> 00:11:16,464
Life Cereal,
do not change a thing.
248
00:11:16,533 --> 00:11:18,832
Signed, Peter Griffin,
dictated but not read.
249
00:11:18,901 --> 00:11:20,333
Lois, read that back to me.
250
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,899
Oh, hey, Brian,
back from a hot booty call
with your idiot girlfriend.
251
00:11:26,967 --> 00:11:28,266
You know,
think what you want,
252
00:11:28,335 --> 00:11:30,532
but you don't see
the side of Jillian
that I do.
253
00:11:30,601 --> 00:11:33,932
Face it, Brian,
she is dumber than
a Boston-area book report.
254
00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:39,398
The novel I chose
to address is Oliver Twist
by Charles Dickens.
255
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:43,232
Queer name, right?
The book was
actually not bad.
256
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:45,432
For your information,
Jillian is very bright,
257
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,798
and she happens to be
a very talented photographer.
258
00:11:47,868 --> 00:11:49,464
Oh, that is so lame.
259
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:52,632
Every hot girl
who can aim a camera
thinks she is a photographer.
260
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:56,231
Ooh! You took a black
and white picture of
a lawn chair and its shadow
261
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,132
and developed it at Savon,
you must be so
brooding and deep.
262
00:11:59,201 --> 00:12:00,565
Knock it off.
263
00:12:00,634 --> 00:12:02,999
No, I want to know, Brian,
what specifically
do you talk about?
264
00:12:03,068 --> 00:12:05,965
A lot of things. Food,
265
00:12:06,034 --> 00:12:10,231
um, the new seat
covers she just got
for her Jetta. Um...
266
00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:13,364
Real World/Road
Rules Challenge.
267
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,198
You hate MTV.
268
00:12:15,266 --> 00:12:16,932
Pot helps.
269
00:12:17,001 --> 00:12:18,932
Look, you know,
I don't have to justify
anything to you, all right?
270
00:12:19,001 --> 00:12:21,832
All that matters,
is Jillian and I have
a great time together,
271
00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:23,132
we make each other laugh.
272
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,298
Fine, but just tell me
this, Brian,
273
00:12:25,366 --> 00:12:29,431
does she laugh on her own
or does she laugh
only when you laugh?
274
00:12:30,266 --> 00:12:31,799
I thought so.
275
00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:34,531
(MUSICAL RINGTONE PLAYING)
276
00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:37,166
Hey, yeah.
277
00:12:37,901 --> 00:12:40,832
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
278
00:12:40,901 --> 00:12:45,032
You got to hit
DVD and then menu
and then select.
279
00:12:45,101 --> 00:12:48,999
Yeah. Yeah,
the DVD needs to be face up
when you put it in.
280
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,231
Uh-huh.
281
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:55,165
You should be able to see
the words Mr. 3000... Yeah.
282
00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:57,632
Still nothing?
Is it plugged in?
283
00:12:58,334 --> 00:13:00,198
Okay, so plug it in.
284
00:13:00,267 --> 00:13:04,531
Okay, you got it?
Okay, all right.
285
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,498
No problem, all right.
286
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:09,298
All right. Love you,
too, Jilly bean. Okay.
287
00:13:09,366 --> 00:13:10,398
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
288
00:13:10,466 --> 00:13:12,166
What?
Nothing,
I didn't say anything.
289
00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:13,799
I need a drink.
290
00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:16,232
(BEEPS)
291
00:13:16,301 --> 00:13:19,832
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Hey, Jilly bean.
Hey, it's Brian again.
292
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:23,131
So, yeah.
So I figured we could
get together tonight
293
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:27,364
and maybe do all
those things sexually
that we usually do.
294
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,066
What were those again?
295
00:13:30,968 --> 00:13:33,765
No way, gross. I mean... No.
296
00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:35,665
Yeah, I totally
love how that feels.
297
00:13:41,934 --> 00:13:43,899
Hi.
298
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:47,532
You know,
I've been noticing you
around the steno pool.
299
00:13:47,601 --> 00:13:49,999
You look good
enough for a promotion.
300
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:51,465
Peter, cut it out.
301
00:13:51,534 --> 00:13:54,266
Hey, that's no way
to talk to your boss.
302
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,399
(SNIFFS)
303
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:57,065
Mmm. Is that Pert?
304
00:13:57,134 --> 00:13:58,132
You know it is.
305
00:13:58,201 --> 00:14:00,099
Smell my Speed Stick.
306
00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:01,498
(SIGHS)
307
00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:05,999
Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
308
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:07,732
Lois, I'm going to
come right out with it.
309
00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:11,299
I think it would be
so hot for you and me
to have sex in my office.
310
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:14,799
Oh, my God!
There is no way that
is going to happen.
311
00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:17,265
You know, it's no wonder
you are so far
behind in your work
312
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:19,032
if this is the way you
behave at the office.
313
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,066
Come on, just touch it.
Touch yours.
314
00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:24,499
Peter, no. I have work to do
so you can keep your job.
315
00:14:24,567 --> 00:14:27,765
Oh, look at me,
I'm Lois, I'm a worker,
I make stuff on things.
316
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:30,832
Oh, I'll file these later.
Oh, I got a phone.
Nope, that's it.
317
00:14:30,901 --> 00:14:32,999
Jeez, Lois,
I thought having you here
was going to be fun,
318
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:36,299
but so far you are
a bigger buzz kill
than Buzz Killington.
319
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:37,732
(ALL CHATTERING)
320
00:14:37,801 --> 00:14:40,932
Oh, man, this is
the best party
I have ever been to.
321
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,365
Evening, everyone.
322
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,432
I thought it
would be very droll
323
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,365
if we all sat down
and looked at etchings.
324
00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:50,565
Would you like
to join me, Peter?
325
00:14:50,633 --> 00:14:52,732
Well, we are kind
of partying here.
326
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,099
Good, hold this up.
327
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:59,332
Now, here is a fellow
attempting to ride a bicycle,
328
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,465
but he is having
some trouble, isn't he?
329
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:03,099
Would you like to know why?
330
00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:04,199
(SIGHS)
331
00:15:04,268 --> 00:15:05,298
Why?
332
00:15:05,366 --> 00:15:07,199
Because he is a Scot.
333
00:15:07,268 --> 00:15:09,364
(CHUCKLES)
334
00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:14,598
Now, who here likes
a good story about a bridge?
335
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,298
(GROANS)
336
00:15:19,034 --> 00:15:22,131
What the hell? Jillian,
what are you doing here?
337
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,131
Oh! Hi, Brian. It was so nice
of you to invite your
girlfriend over for dinner.
338
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,732
I invited her for dinner?
339
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:30,264
Yes, you did.
You wanted her
to meet the family.
340
00:15:30,333 --> 00:15:33,365
Now, come here, Brian.
Come sit by
your friend Stewie.
341
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,832
And then think about this,
342
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:38,565
have you ever seen
the sun and the moon
343
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,398
in the same place
at the same time?
344
00:15:40,466 --> 00:15:41,498
(GASPS)
345
00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:43,198
They're the same person.
346
00:15:43,266 --> 00:15:44,464
I know, right?
347
00:15:44,533 --> 00:15:46,099
You're brilliant.
348
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:48,665
Hey, Oogy!
349
00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:52,532
So tell us, Oogy,
where did you
find this one, huh?
350
00:15:52,601 --> 00:15:55,032
You two meet at
a Mensa meeting?
351
00:15:55,101 --> 00:15:56,998
(CHUCKLES)
No, at a Quiznos.
352
00:15:57,067 --> 00:16:00,298
We both ordered
the Turkey Ranch
and Swiss, no onions.
353
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:01,732
Can you believe that?
354
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,131
No. Wow!
What are the odds?
355
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,299
Well, hey, what are the odds
of finding true love
anywhere in the world,
356
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:09,598
says this observer.
357
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:12,099
Hey, you want to
know something cool?
358
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:13,832
I threw up a lot
in high school,
359
00:16:13,901 --> 00:16:16,165
so I don't get
my period anymore.
360
00:16:16,234 --> 00:16:19,331
Wow, this is the one you have
been waiting for, huh, Brian?
361
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,131
(CHORTLING)
362
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,965
Are you serious?
Are you serious, Brian?
363
00:16:25,034 --> 00:16:26,698
You know what,
Lois, don't judge,
364
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:28,698
because you don't
know what two people
are like when they are alone.
365
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:31,198
Come on,
let's go out dancing.
366
00:16:31,266 --> 00:16:33,999
I don't know.
I'm feeling kind of
cozy tonight, kind of mellow.
367
00:16:34,068 --> 00:16:35,899
I just really
want to go dance.
368
00:16:35,968 --> 00:16:37,032
(GASPS)
369
00:16:37,101 --> 00:16:39,865
There it is again,
what is that?
370
00:16:44,901 --> 00:16:48,066
So, Jillian, what are
your views regarding
Homeland Security?
371
00:16:48,134 --> 00:16:50,699
Do you think we should
support what
the President is doing?
372
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:53,631
Well, I just think,
for starters,
373
00:16:53,701 --> 00:16:56,865
that sometimes
the government has things
they can't tell us.
374
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:59,965
And truthishly,
we should just accept that.
375
00:17:00,034 --> 00:17:01,066
Okay, good night, everyone.
376
00:17:01,134 --> 00:17:02,999
Oh, say, Jillian,
before you go,
377
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,732
I forget,
do you know what the capital
of this state is?
378
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:08,365
Rhode Island City?
379
00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:10,332
(LAUGHING)
380
00:17:10,401 --> 00:17:12,699
It's like she's fucking five.
381
00:17:19,334 --> 00:17:21,598
Thanks for hanging out
with my friends, Brian.
382
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,132
Hey, come on, we're
a legitimate couple, right?
383
00:17:24,201 --> 00:17:25,798
I should be able to
talk with your friends.
384
00:17:25,867 --> 00:17:29,532
So, then the valet
pulls up, and I'm all,
"That is so not my car,"
385
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,665
but then it totally was.
386
00:17:31,733 --> 00:17:34,265
That's happened to me.
Me, too.
387
00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:35,765
Cars go fast.
388
00:17:35,834 --> 00:17:36,932
(LAUGHS)
389
00:17:37,001 --> 00:17:38,699
Oh, God, yeah,
390
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,699
I'll tell you, if I had
a nickel for every time
that happened.
391
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,599
Yeah?
What?
392
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:46,466
What if you had
a nickel for every time
that happened?
393
00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:48,132
No, nothing,
it's just an expression.
394
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:49,531
A what?
395
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,564
Well, I was just saying,
I do my share of
dopey stuff, like...
396
00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:53,798
Oh, this...
397
00:17:53,867 --> 00:17:55,899
This one time I attended
a speaker's colloquium
398
00:17:55,968 --> 00:17:57,598
on federal judgeships,
399
00:17:57,667 --> 00:18:02,333
and without realizing it,
I kept calling William
Rehnquist "William Rinequist."
400
00:18:02,401 --> 00:18:04,164
(LAUGHING) God! I mean...
401
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,232
(CHUCKLES)
402
00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:06,998
(ALL SILENT)
403
00:18:07,067 --> 00:18:09,232
Anyone else have to go to
the little girl's room?
404
00:18:09,301 --> 00:18:10,332
I have new gloss.
405
00:18:10,401 --> 00:18:12,998
I love gloss.
Gloss rhymes with hair.
406
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:14,532
(SIGHS)
407
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,598
STEWIE: Dude,
that was painful.
What are you doing here?
408
00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:19,066
Did you follow us?
409
00:18:19,134 --> 00:18:21,732
Brian, why can't you
just admit what's
going on here?
410
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,364
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
411
00:18:23,433 --> 00:18:25,264
I'm gonna have
to break it off.
412
00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:28,665
But, boy, it's going to be
tougher than the reviews
for Our American Cousin.
413
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:29,999
Blah, blah, blah.
414
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:34,032
"Lincoln assassinated...
Tragedy for our republic..."
415
00:18:34,101 --> 00:18:37,565
Oh, look, "Ably performed
by the entire ensemble."
416
00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:39,498
That's us.
That's all of us.
417
00:18:41,268 --> 00:18:44,832
Morning, Lois, I need you
to proofread this
and collate it for me.
418
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,798
Peter, did you
Xerox your penis?
419
00:18:46,867 --> 00:18:48,699
Three-hundred times.
It's a flip book.
420
00:18:48,767 --> 00:18:50,365
Flip through it
or you're fired.
421
00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:53,131
Oh, my God!
This is disgusting.
422
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,399
Peter, for the last time,
I'm not having sex
with you in this office.
423
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,432
Why the hell are you
pushing this so hard?
424
00:18:58,501 --> 00:19:01,199
Because, Lois,
I already wrote the letter
to Penthouse Forum,
425
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:02,699
and I don't want
to be made a liar
426
00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:05,032
in the nudie
magazine of reckon.
427
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,632
All right,
428
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:09,465
if I give you 30
seconds of making out,
will that shut you up?
429
00:19:09,533 --> 00:19:10,765
Let's see where it goes.
430
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:12,565
(SIGHS)
431
00:19:12,634 --> 00:19:14,332
PETER: Mmm.
432
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,299
LOIS: Mmm.
433
00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:22,899
LOIS: Oh, God!
You know this is pretty hot.
434
00:19:22,967 --> 00:19:25,065
PETER: Yeah,
what did I tell you, huh?
435
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,765
Oh, God, Peter, let's do it.
436
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:30,898
Let's do it right here,
right now.
437
00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:35,098
Lois. Lois, wait.
Wait! Opie's right there.
438
00:19:35,167 --> 00:19:37,165
I want him to look, Peter.
439
00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:39,465
(SHOUTING)
440
00:19:45,134 --> 00:19:46,865
Well, that is the last of it.
441
00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:48,932
You are now all
caught up with your work.
442
00:19:49,001 --> 00:19:51,665
Lois, I really appreciate
you helping me out this week,
443
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:54,598
and I really
appreciate you having sex
with me in my office.
444
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:57,932
Well, that was my pleasure,
too, Peter.
445
00:19:58,001 --> 00:20:01,732
Hey, I knew I would get you,
just like Danny
DeVito got Rhea Perlman.
446
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:02,998
I don't know, Danny.
447
00:20:03,067 --> 00:20:04,832
Look,
it's either me or nobody.
448
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:05,965
Sold.
449
00:20:08,167 --> 00:20:10,366
All right,
Brian, you can do this.
You can dump her.
450
00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:11,898
Because once it's done,
451
00:20:11,968 --> 00:20:14,199
never again will
you have to listen
to her talk like this?
452
00:20:14,268 --> 00:20:16,832
You know, where everything
has a question mark
at the end of it?
453
00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:20,099
With an upward inflection
at the end of every sentence?
454
00:20:20,168 --> 00:20:21,731
Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking?
455
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,464
Oh, damn it.
Now I'm doing it, too.
456
00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:29,832
Oh, hey, Oogy!
Oh, you look tense.
457
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:33,465
Well, Jillian,
there is something
we need to talk about.
458
00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:35,066
What is it?
459
00:20:35,135 --> 00:20:38,966
I just wanted to spend
some time with you.
460
00:20:41,434 --> 00:20:43,365
(EXCLAIMS)
461
00:20:43,434 --> 00:20:46,265
What the hell?
It took you three hours
to break up with her?
462
00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:47,765
Not exactly.
463
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:49,099
Well, what were you
doing in there?
464
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,232
(SNIFFS)
465
00:20:50,301 --> 00:20:51,665
What's that smell?
466
00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:53,199
Smells like sweat
and anger and shame.
467
00:20:53,268 --> 00:20:54,665
Yup.
468
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:56,866
Life is confusing
when you grow up,
isn't it, Brian?
469
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:58,932
It is.
Can we play my mix tape?
470
00:20:59,001 --> 00:21:00,399
Yeah, go ahead.
471
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,498
(CARS PLAYING ON STEREO)
472
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:05,698
♪ Brian had sex with
a really dumb girl
473
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:09,531
♪ Now he's taking
his friend Stewie
to get some ice cream
474
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:10,765
♪ In his car... ♪
475
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,332
(MUSIC STOPS)
Oh, you're a poor sport.