1 00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:05,732 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:12,766 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,534 --> 00:00:24,232 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:35,266 --> 00:00:37,798 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rodney King of Queens. 11 00:00:37,867 --> 00:00:40,266 Rodney, did you take out the trash? 12 00:00:40,335 --> 00:00:41,665 Um, I forgot. 13 00:00:41,733 --> 00:00:42,798 (GROANING) 14 00:00:42,867 --> 00:00:43,898 (LAUGHING) 15 00:00:43,967 --> 00:00:45,632 Oh, no, she didn't. 16 00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:47,332 (DOORBELL DINGING) 17 00:00:47,401 --> 00:00:49,032 Pizza for Adam West. 18 00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:52,865 No! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon! 19 00:00:52,934 --> 00:00:55,565 This misdeed cannot go unpunished. 20 00:00:55,634 --> 00:00:57,132 Pizza delivery man, 21 00:00:57,201 --> 00:00:58,731 prepare to meet your maker 22 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,199 at the hands of my cat-launcher. 23 00:01:02,900 --> 00:01:03,932 (CAT SQUEALING) 24 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,665 (SCREAMING) 25 00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:07,632 (CATS SQUEALING) 26 00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:23,598 Hey, look! Somebody tried to break into the dirty-movie store. 27 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,098 BOY: Quick! Grab as many as you can before someone sees us. 28 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,832 Damn, I lost him. All right cats, back in the bag. 29 00:01:31,901 --> 00:01:34,099 Come on, Fluffy. Come on, Mittens. 30 00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:35,498 Come on, Paul. 31 00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:39,599 What a ridiculous name for a cat. 32 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,898 Paul. That's a person's name! 33 00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:45,099 A person's name. 34 00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,699 (LAUGHING) 35 00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:48,865 Oh, Paul. 36 00:01:51,967 --> 00:01:53,698 Oh, man, this is gonna be great. 37 00:01:53,767 --> 00:01:55,232 Oh, are we watching a movie? 38 00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:56,631 The lab results are back. 39 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,065 You've tested positive for nymphomania. 40 00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:00,998 Oh, no! What should I do? 41 00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:03,865 Take two of these and call us in the morning. 42 00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:05,099 (UNZIPPING) 43 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,165 Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, 44 00:02:07,234 --> 00:02:09,798 it's only going to exacerbate it. 45 00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:11,498 Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? 46 00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:13,131 Out! Everybody out! 47 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,999 ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. 48 00:02:16,068 --> 00:02:17,398 Chris, what is this? 49 00:02:17,466 --> 00:02:18,965 Genital Hospital. 50 00:02:19,034 --> 00:02:21,765 Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. 51 00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,331 Now, if you're curious about sex, 52 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,865 you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. 53 00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:26,199 We don't have one. 54 00:02:26,267 --> 00:02:28,665 The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. 55 00:02:28,734 --> 00:02:30,998 What? Well, that's crazy! 56 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:34,231 Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. 57 00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:36,099 Just look at Michael Jackson. 58 00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:38,298 The kid in me likes the frosted side. 59 00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:41,999 But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. 60 00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:45,298 Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? 61 00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:47,198 Let him figure it out the way I had to, 62 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,365 with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. 63 00:02:49,434 --> 00:02:52,198 That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way. 64 00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:54,032 Well, somebody's got to step in. 65 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,965 Tomorrow, I'm going down to James Woods High 66 00:02:56,034 --> 00:02:57,865 and offer to teach the class myself. 67 00:02:57,934 --> 00:02:59,598 Hey, you could really make a difference. 68 00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,465 Like I did when I taught money management to those drug addicts. 69 00:03:02,534 --> 00:03:04,498 There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money. 70 00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:05,999 For example, you're all shooting up. 71 00:03:06,068 --> 00:03:07,465 Why not share needles? 72 00:03:07,533 --> 00:03:08,798 That's a no-brainer. 73 00:03:08,868 --> 00:03:11,166 More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. 74 00:03:11,235 --> 00:03:12,698 My second piece of advice, 75 00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:14,698 have as many kids as you can, 76 00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:15,832 'cause that makes it more likely 77 00:03:15,901 --> 00:03:17,266 that one of those kids will grow up 78 00:03:17,335 --> 00:03:20,199 and make it big in Hollywood. 79 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,966 Then who's paying the bills, huh? 80 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,531 Hollywood kid. 81 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:25,632 Class dismissed. 82 00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:30,765 Good morning, everyone! 83 00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:33,731 I'm Mrs. Griffin, your new Sex Ed teacher. 84 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,532 Now, you've probably heard all those rumors 85 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,265 that condoms make sex less pleasurable. 86 00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:39,598 While that is a fact, 87 00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:41,631 they also make sex safer. 88 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:42,898 Sorry I'm late, Lois. 89 00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:44,565 Peter, what are you doing here? 90 00:03:44,634 --> 00:03:46,865 Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge 91 00:03:46,934 --> 00:03:48,665 with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. 92 00:03:48,734 --> 00:03:50,832 I've missed too many other opportunities. 93 00:03:50,901 --> 00:03:52,365 There he is. Took you long enough. 94 00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:53,432 Just what we need. 95 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,732 Hey, guys, I'm coming in. 96 00:03:55,801 --> 00:03:56,799 Oh, no! Oh, no! 97 00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:58,032 Oh, God! 98 00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:00,532 Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. 99 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,932 You jackass! Now you've done it! 100 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,366 Idiot! 101 00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:06,599 I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. 102 00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:07,865 All right, Peter, you can stay, 103 00:04:07,934 --> 00:04:10,165 but remember, this is my class. 104 00:04:10,233 --> 00:04:12,065 Now, there are a number of natural ways 105 00:04:12,134 --> 00:04:13,899 that males and females interact. 106 00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:15,999 That's right! Allow me to demonstrate. 107 00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:17,399 Hey, Rainbow Brite. 108 00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:18,932 Hello, Shakespeare. 109 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,766 I am all done writing plays for the day. 110 00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:24,032 Perhaps we could have sexual intercourse. 111 00:04:24,534 --> 00:04:25,532 Count me in! 112 00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:33,965 I say, look at this. 113 00:04:34,034 --> 00:04:35,998 This toy has small parts. 114 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,665 Why the devil would they include small parts? 115 00:04:38,734 --> 00:04:41,098 Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. 116 00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:42,799 Of course, it all adds up. 117 00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:44,132 (GROANS) 118 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,298 Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. 119 00:04:46,366 --> 00:04:47,865 Dude, you're lucky. 120 00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:50,032 If you put that under your pillow, the tooth fairy'll come 121 00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:51,299 and give you a dollar. 122 00:04:51,368 --> 00:04:52,432 What? 123 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,265 Did you say the tooth fairy comes here? 124 00:04:54,334 --> 00:04:55,432 To our house? 125 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,432 She just breaks in like some hood? 126 00:04:57,501 --> 00:04:59,165 Yeah, she creeps into your house at night 127 00:04:59,234 --> 00:05:00,998 and comes into your room while you sleep. 128 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,866 Oh, my God! And sometimes, just for the hell of it, 129 00:05:03,934 --> 00:05:06,032 she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair 130 00:05:06,101 --> 00:05:08,265 and places it gently on your tongue. 131 00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:09,966 Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! 132 00:05:10,034 --> 00:05:11,166 I got to get out of here! 133 00:05:11,234 --> 00:05:12,899 Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. 134 00:05:12,968 --> 00:05:14,399 Here, Brian, let me handle this. 135 00:05:14,468 --> 00:05:17,199 Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. 136 00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,699 Chris, you're wanted on the phone. 137 00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:21,032 Everything's gonna be all right. 138 00:05:21,101 --> 00:05:22,932 (STEWIE SCREAMING) 139 00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:32,298 Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y jelly for the class today, 140 00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,464 but they were all out, so I got Smucker's. 141 00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:36,066 Peter, I don't know what you think you're doing, 142 00:05:36,134 --> 00:05:37,799 but you've ruined my Sex Ed class. 143 00:05:37,867 --> 00:05:39,599 There's no way you're coming with me again. 144 00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:41,098 Fine, but without my advice, 145 00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:43,132 those kids are gonna be as hopeless as Liam Neeson 146 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:45,498 when he tries to play an American cowboy. 147 00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:47,798 But, Montana, when will you be back? 148 00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:49,631 That's none of your concern. 149 00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,765 You gotta take care of the offspring. 150 00:05:51,834 --> 00:05:54,199 Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down 151 00:05:54,268 --> 00:05:56,166 to St. Louis on Mississippi. 152 00:05:56,235 --> 00:05:58,266 This glen's gonna be tough to traverse. 153 00:05:58,335 --> 00:06:01,598 And that river's gotta be 50, 60 meters wide, 154 00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,532 and God knows how many fathoms. 155 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,365 To hell with parliamentary procedure. 156 00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:07,198 We've got to wrangle up some cattles. 157 00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,332 (CROWD CHATTERING) 158 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,165 What is going on here? 159 00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:15,032 We're all protesting the Sex Ed class that's being taught to our children. 160 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,199 Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, 161 00:06:17,267 --> 00:06:20,466 but the school board has voted to cancel your Sex Ed class. 162 00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:23,732 Look, Principal Shepherd, I know my husband acted inappropriately. 163 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,499 Oh, it's not because of your husband. 164 00:06:25,567 --> 00:06:28,599 It's because you're teaching those kids about condoms. 165 00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:31,632 What? That's ridiculous. 166 00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:34,966 These students have the right to information about safe sex. 167 00:06:35,034 --> 00:06:37,132 Well, these parents don't think so. 168 00:06:37,201 --> 00:06:39,599 I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. 169 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:42,065 Fired! Oh, no! 170 00:06:42,134 --> 00:06:45,032 (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING) 171 00:06:50,134 --> 00:06:51,631 I can't believe they fired you. 172 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:53,632 Can't you go down to the school and try to reason with them? 173 00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,898 No, I'm banned from school property. 174 00:06:55,967 --> 00:06:58,131 The PTA doesn't want me around their children. 175 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,698 Well, Lois, I think you did the right thing 176 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:02,164 by trying to inform these kids about safe sex, 177 00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:04,565 and if the parents don't like it, that's their loss. 178 00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:08,431 That's the problem, though, it isn't their loss, it's the kids' loss. 179 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:10,966 I just hope they're getting the information they need. 180 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,731 All right, students, we have a special speaker today 181 00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,665 who's going to educate you about sex. 182 00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:19,498 Please welcome from the First Evangelical Church, 183 00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:22,532 the Reverend Jerry Kirkwood and the Opal Ring Crusade. 184 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,832 Hey, kids, put your Walkmans down and listen up, 185 00:07:25,901 --> 00:07:27,966 because we're gonna talk about sex. 186 00:07:28,034 --> 00:07:30,898 GOD: Sex? Hang on there, Jerry. 187 00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:33,233 God, what are you doing here? 188 00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:36,332 I was just passing through on my way to see The Matrix. 189 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,398 (LAUGHS) 190 00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:39,331 We can relate to that. No fake. 191 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:42,965 Well, God, I am here to talk to these kids about sex. 192 00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:44,332 Uh-oh. 193 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,265 And why they shouldn't be having it. 194 00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:47,832 That is boss. 195 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,999 Hey, you kids like MADtv? 196 00:07:50,068 --> 00:07:52,365 Well, we've got something almost as good. 197 00:07:52,433 --> 00:07:55,565 Here they are, the Opal Ring Players. 198 00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:58,165 Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie. 199 00:07:58,233 --> 00:08:01,098 Yeah, Matthew, that pizza pie was delicious. 200 00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:02,932 Hey, watch out, crazy driver. 201 00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:04,832 That joker must have been from Jefferson High. 202 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:05,965 (ALL LAUGHING) 203 00:08:06,034 --> 00:08:07,099 They're our rivals. 204 00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:09,532 Well, here we are at the make out point. 205 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,632 Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! 206 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,598 Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? 207 00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:17,298 I mean, besides not running over 208 00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:18,932 that yahoo from Jefferson High. 209 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,265 They're our rivals. 210 00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:23,399 He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. 211 00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,532 Bingo! 212 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,132 Wow, you're pretty smart. 213 00:08:26,201 --> 00:08:27,665 Thanks. My name's Doug. 214 00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:28,865 I'm Meg. 215 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,798 Now, look, let's rap for a second. 216 00:08:35,867 --> 00:08:37,231 He's sitting informally like us. 217 00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:38,631 Let's hear what he has to say. 218 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,464 Jefferson High is our rival. 219 00:08:40,533 --> 00:08:43,932 Sure, sex is fun, but you can't have it before you're married. 220 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,699 Even if you use a condom. 221 00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:49,099 Because not only do condoms fail 100 percent of the time, 222 00:08:49,168 --> 00:08:51,298 they're also majorly unsafe. 223 00:08:51,366 --> 00:08:53,198 Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag 224 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,032 over your grandmother's head would you? 225 00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,765 STUDENT: No. 226 00:08:56,834 --> 00:08:59,164 And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. 227 00:08:59,233 --> 00:09:01,231 These rings are a symbol of your commitment 228 00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,631 to refrain from sex until you're married. 229 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:05,765 So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful? 230 00:09:05,834 --> 00:09:07,332 Who wants to be pure? 231 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,632 Who wants to be abstinent? 232 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,832 Wow, he makes so much sense. 233 00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:16,032 I know, he's a visionary. 234 00:09:16,101 --> 00:09:18,732 Like Gandhi or Mozart or Picasso. 235 00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:21,298 Ladies and gentlemen, my newest work. 236 00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:23,232 Now, I know this person looks a little mixed-up, 237 00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:26,332 but watch carefully. If I move this down here, 238 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,332 and this over here. 239 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,532 And this part here. 240 00:09:30,601 --> 00:09:32,565 Anyone tell who it is yet? No? 241 00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:34,932 Okay, well, what if I move this here, 242 00:09:35,001 --> 00:09:36,732 and this here. 243 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,198 And it's Dianne Wiest. 244 00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:42,798 All right, men, your mission tonight 245 00:09:42,867 --> 00:09:45,632 is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. 246 00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,365 SpongeBob, you watch the east. 247 00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:49,198 Starscream, you take the west. 248 00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:53,065 And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces. 249 00:09:57,933 --> 00:09:59,632 What... What... Ahhh! Ahhh! 250 00:09:59,701 --> 00:10:02,198 Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's okay. It's morning. 251 00:10:02,266 --> 00:10:05,198 Is it? Ha! I knew it, I scared her off. 252 00:10:05,266 --> 00:10:07,465 You might wanna check under your pillow. 253 00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:08,565 (STEWIE GASPS) 254 00:10:08,634 --> 00:10:09,932 How did she get in? 255 00:10:10,001 --> 00:10:13,399 She must have been quieter than Britney Spears' dietician. 256 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,499 (IN QUIET VOICE) Easy on those trans-fats. 257 00:10:16,734 --> 00:10:19,899 Not everything needs gravy. 258 00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:22,999 You know, there're some carrots down at the other end. 259 00:10:24,601 --> 00:10:27,465 That cheesecake was for everyone. 260 00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:29,398 Her hand was right beneath my pillow. 261 00:10:29,466 --> 00:10:31,598 She could have snapped my neck if she had a mind to. 262 00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:33,166 Don't worry about it. 263 00:10:33,234 --> 00:10:34,598 I'm sure it will be a while before you lose another tooth. 264 00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:35,899 I can't wait for that. 265 00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:39,198 I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself. 266 00:10:39,267 --> 00:10:43,099 But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy. 267 00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:46,066 ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch," 268 00:10:46,134 --> 00:10:48,233 text message FAMGUY1. 269 00:10:48,301 --> 00:10:51,431 If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," 270 00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,365 text FAMGUY2. 271 00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:56,665 If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, 272 00:10:56,734 --> 00:10:58,798 text FAMGUY3. 273 00:10:58,868 --> 00:11:00,032 Enter now. 274 00:11:00,101 --> 00:11:01,966 (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) 275 00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,232 Thanks for voting. 276 00:11:04,301 --> 00:11:05,899 Arriba! 277 00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:07,932 (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) 278 00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:11,799 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach. 279 00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:13,165 Like, right? I know. 280 00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:15,365 Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? 281 00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:17,798 Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out. 282 00:11:17,867 --> 00:11:19,264 Full-on. Right? 283 00:11:19,333 --> 00:11:21,698 I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere. 284 00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,931 Hey, Dad! Check out my abstinence ring. 285 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,866 It means I made a pledge not to have sex. 286 00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:27,731 That's crazy! You can't give up sex. 287 00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:29,266 You've got a responsibility. 288 00:11:29,333 --> 00:11:32,065 You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl. 289 00:11:32,134 --> 00:11:34,898 Dad, look at the facts about sex. 290 00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:38,899 "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension 291 00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:42,599 "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." 292 00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:44,532 Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. 293 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:45,866 Well, this changes everything. 294 00:11:45,934 --> 00:11:48,233 From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. 295 00:11:48,301 --> 00:11:51,932 I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. 296 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,565 How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? 297 00:11:54,634 --> 00:11:56,431 None? I turn now. 298 00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,299 Good luck, everybody else. 299 00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:00,233 (TIRES SCREECHING) 300 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:06,498 All right, getting a tooth to lure that damn fairy back 301 00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:07,598 shouldn't be too difficult. 302 00:12:08,301 --> 00:12:10,032 (SNORING) 303 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:21,266 I'd love to dance, Fred Savage. 304 00:12:21,335 --> 00:12:22,331 Mmm. 305 00:12:23,101 --> 00:12:24,232 MAN: Set, hut... 306 00:12:27,633 --> 00:12:29,599 Gosh, Meg, I really wish we could take 307 00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:31,132 our relationship to the next level. 308 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,099 I know. I feel the same way, 309 00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:35,265 but we made a decision to be abstinent. 310 00:12:35,334 --> 00:12:38,798 Of course, there are ways we can keep our pledge 311 00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:40,765 and still do other things. 312 00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:41,932 You're right. 313 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,799 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 314 00:12:43,867 --> 00:12:45,299 Uh-huh. 315 00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:47,899 Oh, there it is. I see it. 316 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,465 You know, Roy, I hope you play squash better than you pass. 317 00:12:50,533 --> 00:12:52,165 Well, we'll find out this Saturday. 318 00:12:52,234 --> 00:12:53,665 (BOTH LAUGHING) 319 00:12:57,001 --> 00:13:00,232 LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? 320 00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:04,699 Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" 321 00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:06,932 Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, 322 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,298 Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. 323 00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:14,199 Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... 324 00:13:14,268 --> 00:13:16,899 Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. 325 00:13:16,968 --> 00:13:20,166 A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for? 326 00:13:20,235 --> 00:13:21,598 I'm abstinent, Lois. 327 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,665 It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. 328 00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:26,398 Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. 329 00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:28,299 Everyone goes down a notch. 330 00:13:28,367 --> 00:13:31,333 This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. 331 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,099 Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? 332 00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:36,098 Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. 333 00:13:36,167 --> 00:13:37,231 (GASPS) 334 00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,665 Mom! 335 00:13:38,733 --> 00:13:41,399 Oh, my God! 336 00:13:41,468 --> 00:13:44,464 You kids were doing it in the ear! 337 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:45,898 Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. 338 00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:47,165 Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? 339 00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:48,798 PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. 340 00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,965 Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. 341 00:13:57,034 --> 00:13:58,631 Mom, you don't understand. 342 00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,265 Doug and I are abstinent. 343 00:14:00,333 --> 00:14:02,765 But if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count. 344 00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:05,232 We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord. 345 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,965 Meg, when I was your age, 346 00:14:07,034 --> 00:14:10,932 my parents tried to feed me the same nonsense about premarital sex. 347 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,365 You're lying to yourself. 348 00:14:12,433 --> 00:14:13,732 Well, I don't care what you think. 349 00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:16,032 Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, 350 00:14:16,101 --> 00:14:18,099 and this is how we choose to express our love. 351 00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:21,632 Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural 352 00:14:21,701 --> 00:14:23,065 and B... 353 00:14:23,134 --> 00:14:24,166 How do I say this? 354 00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:26,699 Vaginal intercourse is... 355 00:14:27,401 --> 00:14:29,565 It's just tops. 356 00:14:29,634 --> 00:14:31,732 It's the bee's knees, Meg. 357 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,632 Oh, when you rattle it around just right. 358 00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,866 Oh, my God! I mean... 359 00:14:36,934 --> 00:14:39,266 You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, 360 00:14:39,334 --> 00:14:42,032 and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose? 361 00:14:42,101 --> 00:14:44,165 Meg... Meg? 362 00:14:45,034 --> 00:14:46,032 I love you. 363 00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:51,665 In local news, a sexy new trend 364 00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:53,398 has emerged at James Woods High. 365 00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:54,999 That's right, Tom. 366 00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,298 It appears that students have taken to having ear sex 367 00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:58,966 in lieu of traditional intercourse. 368 00:14:59,034 --> 00:15:02,532 Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, 369 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:06,098 prompting a new slogan, "Once you go black, you go deaf." 370 00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:08,332 Sounds like there's a pattern developing, Tom. 371 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,199 Oh, a pattern developing? 372 00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:12,598 Well, Diane, I guess you've learned a lot from staring lifelessly 373 00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:16,598 at TV reruns of CSI over the thrusting shoulders of whatever drifter 374 00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:19,598 you drag into your bedroom on whatever night CSI is on. 375 00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:22,065 Thursdays, Tom. And don't miss CSI, Thursday 376 00:15:22,134 --> 00:15:25,299 when Johnny Cluestein finds the secret fingerprints 377 00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:27,799 in the case... I've never seen the show. 378 00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:29,299 Brian, I'll be right back. 379 00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:32,265 I'm gonna use the little girls' room. All right, baby. 380 00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:33,865 (GROANS) 381 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,098 An entire week and still no teeth. 382 00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:39,265 And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony. 383 00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:41,765 Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. 384 00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:45,565 I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. 385 00:15:45,633 --> 00:15:47,432 (JILLIAN RETCHING) 386 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:48,665 What the hell is that? 387 00:15:48,733 --> 00:15:50,798 That's Jillian. She's... 388 00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,532 She... She has this eating disorder. 389 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,932 She's bulimic. My God! That's horrible. 390 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,032 I know, it really is. 391 00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,731 I mean, her hair is falling out. 392 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,098 Last week, she lost a tooth. Really? 393 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,132 But man, I'll tell you, all that purging 394 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,398 just makes her body look fantastic. 395 00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,332 I mean, that's what the supermodels do, 396 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,165 and so many of them just look so great. 397 00:16:10,234 --> 00:16:12,298 (JILLIAN RETCHING) 398 00:16:12,367 --> 00:16:15,699 Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance. 399 00:16:18,634 --> 00:16:21,598 I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. 400 00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:22,699 Oh, well, you know, 401 00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:24,164 I just wanted to touch base, see how... 402 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,431 It's Stewie, by the way. 403 00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:26,966 Just to check in, make sure everything's 404 00:16:27,034 --> 00:16:28,631 going well with you and Brian. 405 00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,465 It's going kick-ass! 406 00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:32,364 Well, you look fantastic. 407 00:16:32,433 --> 00:16:33,665 Lots of meat on your bones. 408 00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:35,198 Which is great. What? 409 00:16:35,266 --> 00:16:36,632 Oh, just saying you look jolly. 410 00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:37,966 Like Ruben Studdard 411 00:16:38,034 --> 00:16:39,465 or John Goodman or Santa. 412 00:16:39,533 --> 00:16:40,932 Oh, my God! 413 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,498 Are you saying I'm fat? 414 00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:43,599 No, I'm saying Santa's thin... 415 00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:45,432 Get in there and throw up! Oh! 416 00:16:47,034 --> 00:16:49,865 Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. 417 00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:53,132 Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. 418 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,165 Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? 419 00:16:55,234 --> 00:16:57,199 Actually, I found seven. 420 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:58,532 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 421 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,998 One for every day of the week. 422 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,832 (AUDIENCE SIGHING) 423 00:17:06,434 --> 00:17:08,532 LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. 424 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,098 You wanna mess around? 425 00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:12,498 Lois, you know I'm abstinent. 426 00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:15,698 Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? 427 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,432 Well, I guess we do both have needs. 428 00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:21,698 Oh, Peter. 429 00:17:21,767 --> 00:17:23,932 BOTH: Mmm. 430 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,732 Peter, what... What are you doing? 431 00:17:25,801 --> 00:17:28,265 What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! 432 00:17:28,334 --> 00:17:30,032 What the hell is wrong with you? 433 00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:32,198 This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. 434 00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:33,865 That is it. 435 00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:36,298 I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. 436 00:17:36,366 --> 00:17:39,665 No! I wasn't asking your permission. 437 00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:43,899 No, no. No, I'm abstinent! 438 00:17:43,967 --> 00:17:46,565 This is an affront to the Lord. No! 439 00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:47,665 No! 440 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,465 (CRYING) 441 00:17:49,967 --> 00:17:51,098 No! 442 00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,332 Oh, I see what you're driving at. 443 00:17:56,633 --> 00:17:58,432 Oh, that was fantastic. 444 00:17:58,501 --> 00:18:00,499 Hey, when'd you get that tattoo on your lower back? 445 00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,832 I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug. 446 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,465 What? I'm just glad to have you back on my side. 447 00:18:05,533 --> 00:18:08,499 I only wish I could convince Meg and her classmates, too. 448 00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:10,265 We'll show them somehow, Lois. 449 00:18:10,334 --> 00:18:13,565 I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews. 450 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,366 I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. 451 00:18:17,435 --> 00:18:20,465 I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. 452 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:23,932 But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, 453 00:18:24,001 --> 00:18:26,331 underhanded, back-stabbing ways. 454 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,298 Your number one, dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson. 455 00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:36,231 All right, tooth whore, do your worst. 456 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:38,431 (ALARM RINGING) 457 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,498 A-ha! 458 00:18:40,566 --> 00:18:42,598 Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. 459 00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,565 No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? 460 00:18:45,633 --> 00:18:47,131 Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. 461 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,198 You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. 462 00:18:49,267 --> 00:18:50,998 You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. 463 00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:52,765 Okay. 464 00:18:52,834 --> 00:18:54,098 Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous. 465 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:55,698 There's something I have to tell you. 466 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:58,532 The tooth fairy isn't real. What? 467 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,898 Look, I didn't wanna burst your bubble since you're just a kid, 468 00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:03,632 but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. 469 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,132 Just like Harry Houdini. 470 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,631 I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. 471 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:10,266 Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. 472 00:19:10,335 --> 00:19:12,132 All right, fine. Let me get my coat. 473 00:19:14,101 --> 00:19:16,398 Oh, wait a second! 474 00:19:16,467 --> 00:19:19,199 Damn it, I am not going by myself. 475 00:19:19,268 --> 00:19:20,266 Ah, you bitch. 476 00:19:20,334 --> 00:19:21,832 (SIGHS) 477 00:19:21,901 --> 00:19:23,999 Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours 478 00:19:24,068 --> 00:19:25,199 can have her tooth back. 479 00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:30,665 What... It's gone! 480 00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,765 Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. 481 00:19:32,833 --> 00:19:34,364 (WIND HOWLING) 482 00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:39,865 (SNIFFS) 483 00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,699 Ah! 484 00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:45,398 Fuck, yeah! 485 00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,532 Peter, how are we gonna get past the guard? 486 00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:55,599 Lois, I think I just got an idea. 487 00:19:58,233 --> 00:19:59,665 You see that guy with the overcoat? 488 00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:02,498 He's tall enough for us to sneak in behind him, come on. 489 00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:06,198 So remember, sex is bad, immoral, and wrong. 490 00:20:06,266 --> 00:20:09,799 And if you have sex, you're automatically in Al-Qaeda. 491 00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:12,299 Kids, do not listen to this man. 492 00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:15,098 He is wrong. He is feeding you lies. 493 00:20:15,166 --> 00:20:19,565 Now look, it's true you shouldn't have sex until you're ready. 494 00:20:19,634 --> 00:20:22,265 You should wait until you're in love. 495 00:20:22,334 --> 00:20:24,698 But, I mean, hey, we're all human, huh? 496 00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:28,399 We have urges and they are perfectly natural. 497 00:20:28,467 --> 00:20:31,365 And if you do make the choice to act on them, 498 00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:33,999 make sure you protect yourselves. 499 00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:35,632 Use a condom. 500 00:20:36,901 --> 00:20:38,799 I'm gonna use condoms. Me, too. 501 00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:41,065 Maybe, I'll use two condoms at the same time. 502 00:20:41,134 --> 00:20:43,632 Why would you do that? Oh, I mean, just one, just one. 503 00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,731 Doug, my mom's right. 504 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,998 If we really care about each other, it's okay to have sex. 505 00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:53,165 We'll be safe, we'll use a condom, and it'll be wonderful. 506 00:20:53,233 --> 00:20:55,498 Wow, does this mean I'll see you naked? 507 00:20:55,567 --> 00:20:57,999 Yeah. Oh, boy, I can't wait. 508 00:20:58,068 --> 00:20:59,965 I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. 509 00:21:00,034 --> 00:21:01,731 It's all your fault. 510 00:21:01,801 --> 00:21:03,532 (SOBBING) 511 00:21:03,601 --> 00:21:04,965 I'm proud of you, sweetheart. 512 00:21:05,034 --> 00:21:07,465 Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. 513 00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:09,898 I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. 514 00:21:09,967 --> 00:21:11,498 You think you could give me a little taste? 515 00:21:11,567 --> 00:21:13,299 ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, 516 00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:15,265 text message FAMGUY1. 517 00:21:15,334 --> 00:21:17,332 If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, 518 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,098 text FAMGUY2. 519 00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,498 If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, 520 00:21:21,567 --> 00:21:23,098 text FAMGUY3. 521 00:21:23,167 --> 00:21:24,165 Enter now. 522 00:21:24,234 --> 00:21:26,199 (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) 523 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:28,632 Thanks for voting. 524 00:21:28,701 --> 00:21:30,865 Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.