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00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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Coming up,
a New Orleans man says
his socks are finally dry.
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00:00:39,901 --> 00:00:42,265
But first, the big news
in entertainment this week
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00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:44,598
is the lovable child actress,
Olivia Fuller.
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Oh, my God, Brian,
that's Olivia from the
performing arts school.
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What sort of
overblown contract
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00:00:49,601 --> 00:00:51,598
has that dreadful bitch
landed now?
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Most of you know Olivia
as the adorable little girl
in the Tasty Juice ads.
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Hey, Mom,
can I have some soda?
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00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:59,966
No, but you can have
some Tasty Juice.
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It has only one-third
the sugar of soda.
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Mmm. Delicious.
Thanks, Mom.
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(WOMAN SINGING)
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But little Olivia's career
may be over just as it begins
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00:01:13,101 --> 00:01:15,932
with today's announcement
that Tasty Juice
will be dropping her
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00:01:16,001 --> 00:01:19,365
as their spokesperson
and replacing her
with a new ad campaign
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featuring rock and roll
legend Chuck Berry.
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Open your mouth, baby,
here it comes.
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But there is a silver lining
for local Quahogians,
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as Miss Fuller will be
appearing at the
Quahog Mall this weekend
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to mark the grand opening
of the new Brat Wraps
kids clothing store.
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Oh, that's perfect.
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00:01:35,801 --> 00:01:38,732
Brian, we have to go
down there this weekend
and heckle her roundly.
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00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:42,331
I'll humiliate her worse
than Luke Skywalker
did to that rebel pilot.
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00:01:44,433 --> 00:01:46,599
The exhaust shaft
is only two meters wide,
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so you'll have to use
proton torpedoes.
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Well, that's impossible,
even for a computer.
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It's not impossible.
I used to bullseye womp rats
in my T-16 back home.
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They're not much bigger
than two meters.
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Hey, uh, can I talk to you
privately for a second?
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Sure.
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That was unnecessary.
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What's the problem?
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Well, you just kind of
called me out
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in front of everybody
back there.
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I was just making
a point.
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I know, but you like
just kind of sandbagged me
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in front of everyone
we know.
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00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:16,365
Oh, I "sandbagged" you?
In front of all
of our friends.
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00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:17,865
Yeah, you
sandbagged me.
I "sandbagged" you?
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00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,331
You sandbagged
me, yes.
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00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,898
Well, here I am
trying to help you
with something...
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You know what,
I don't need
your kind of help,
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all right?
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00:02:23,433 --> 00:02:25,665
Have a great
assault. Jerk.
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Lois, I don't understand
why I got to sit through
a chick flick.
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Peter, you promised
you'd come with me
to see Autumn's Piano.
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Besides, you owe me big
after the way you
embarrassed me
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in front of Sandra Oh.
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Oh, my God. Sandra Oh.
We loved you in Sideways.
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Thank you.
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(ENUNCIATING LOUDLY)
We see you in many movies.
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I think about you
while having sex
with my wife.
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I thank you with $1.
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00:03:01,701 --> 00:03:03,099
That's a lot of money
to them.
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00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:05,932
Lois, I'm just warning you,
if this movie turns me gay,
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I'm gonna start bringing
gay guys home.
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And I don't mean
the classy,
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"Maybe they are,
maybe they're not" gay guys.
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I mean those big,
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00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:14,098
"Oh, my God, here they come,
floating around, making noise"
gay guys,
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00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,665
not the "fix up
your house" gay guys.
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Peter, shh!
It's starting.
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You must be
Autumn Daniels.
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Welcome to Barncliffe
school for girls.
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We're your roommates.
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I'm Sassy, that's Pouty,
and this is Suicidy.
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I got a bad feeling
about Suicidy.
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♪ Ain't no mountain
high enough... ♪
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(LAUGHING) Yeah!
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You can tell all the girls
care about each other,
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'cause they have so much fun
cleaning the dishes.
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AUTUMN: I have to leave, and
I'm taking my piano with me.
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No!
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00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:49,899
Why? Why?
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00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:52,966
She chose the piano
over her insulin.
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You could've had both!
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(CONTINUES SOBBING)
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00:04:04,335 --> 00:04:06,066
See? That wasn't
so bad.
88
00:04:06,134 --> 00:04:10,266
Oh, you know, Lois,
this movie has helped me
understand a lot of things.
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00:04:10,335 --> 00:04:13,898
Like that foreign guy at work
who helped me understand
sarcasm.
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(SCOFFS)
Nice day we're having.
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00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,999
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yes!
What?
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00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:20,665
He say "nice day,"
but he covered with rain.
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So?
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00:04:22,333 --> 00:04:25,866
So, he say this
when your brain know
is not really nice day.
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00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:27,365
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah, yeah.
96
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:29,898
Yes. He say the opposite.
Is funny.
97
00:04:29,967 --> 00:04:31,232
Oh, yeah, I get it.
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00:04:31,301 --> 00:04:33,465
(LAUGHING)
"Nice day."
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Now you funny, too.
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There she is, Brian.
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00:04:43,334 --> 00:04:45,932
Oh, boy, I am going
to take her down
right in front of everybody.
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All right, Olivia,
get ready to...
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Good lord.
What is it?
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Brian, she looks...
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She looks fantastic.
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And now TV's
Olivia Fuller will cut
the ceremonial ribbon.
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I hope I'm allowed
to do this.
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My mommy says,
"Don't run with scissors."
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(LAUGHING
FORCEFULLY)
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She's so cute.
I love children.
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(SLAPPING)
Look at my kids.
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00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:09,366
So everyone feel free
to browse and purchase
from our fine selection.
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Hey, Mom,
now would be a good time
to raise my allowance.
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(LAUGHING)
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00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:21,799
Oh, this one's
kind of nice.
What... Olivia!
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Hey!
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00:05:23,401 --> 00:05:25,399
Stewie? Oh, my God.
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00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:27,632
Wow, this is...
It's been a while.
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Yeah, I know, it has.
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So, you back in town?
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Yeah, we're moving back
into the old house.
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Oh, that's...
God, you look great.
I mean, you're all in shape.
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00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:41,899
My God, California's
been good to you.
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00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,999
I mean, I guess you
should be looking good,
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00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,965
'cause everybody's
a health nut
out there, right?
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00:05:46,034 --> 00:05:47,599
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
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00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:48,665
Yeah.
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00:05:50,034 --> 00:05:52,765
Well, anyway, it was nice
seeing you again, so...
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00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:56,299
You, too. Hey, listen,
maybe you want to
come over on Friday?
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00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,432
It's my Bernie Mac night.
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00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:00,565
It's a fun show,
if you haven't seen it.
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00:06:00,634 --> 00:06:02,665
I can't understand
what the devil
he's saying,
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00:06:02,734 --> 00:06:04,165
but, you know,
there's a lot
of movement,
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00:06:04,234 --> 00:06:06,766
and it's bright
and colorful. It keeps
my attention.
135
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:10,266
Look, Stewie, you're sweet,
but since I moved
to Hollywood,
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I've done a lot
of growing up.
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I'm dating
more sophisticated men now.
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00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,765
But it was good
to see you.
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What happened?
She shot me down, Brian.
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00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:21,865
What do you care?
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00:06:21,934 --> 00:06:24,199
You came here to gloat
about her contract
cancellation anyway.
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00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:26,632
Yes, but that was before
I got a look at her face.
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00:06:26,701 --> 00:06:28,632
I mean,
she's a woman
now, Brian.
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So sophisticated,
so grown up,
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00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:32,865
and she says she wants
a grown-up man.
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00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,332
But, apparently,
that's not me.
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(SARCASTICALLY)
You think so?
148
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,265
(SPRING BOINGING)
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00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:39,665
(LAUGHING)
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00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,365
Who could forget
that one?
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Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy,
here to tell you
about a new CD offer.
152
00:06:45,234 --> 00:06:47,398
Sitcom Punch Lines
of the 80's.
153
00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:49,032
Including such gems as
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00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,599
"I think it's time
for plan 'B,'"
155
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"Smooth move, Ex-Lax"
156
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and "That went well."
157
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,331
Also, "Check, please!"
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00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,164
Plus, "Open mouth,
insert foot"
159
00:07:00,233 --> 00:07:05,265
and "Wait, if you're here,
then that means... Oh boy!"
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00:07:05,333 --> 00:07:06,932
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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00:07:07,001 --> 00:07:10,499
Order now and receive Sounds
of the 80's Studio Audience,
162
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,432
which includes
"Trouble Brewing"
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AUDIENCE: Ooh!
164
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,698
MAYOR: as well as
"Sweet Moment"
165
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:17,165
AUDIENCE: Aw!
166
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:19,098
MAYOR: and, of course,
"Ethnic Kiss."
167
00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:21,331
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
168
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,465
This is an offer
you don't want to miss.
169
00:07:23,533 --> 00:07:25,098
But don't take my word for it.
170
00:07:25,166 --> 00:07:28,065
Hear what '80s mainstay
Howard Hesseman
has to say about it.
171
00:07:28,134 --> 00:07:29,231
I love it.
172
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,432
Would Howard Hesseman
lie for weed?
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We don't think so.
Order now.
174
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There we go.
175
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:42,498
You are ready
for your date.
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Yeah!
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00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:45,265
That's a bed head.
178
00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:47,965
Yeah. Hey, look at you.
You just got out of bed.
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00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:51,198
You're the underachiever
every woman
wants to sleep with.
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00:07:51,267 --> 00:07:52,465
Hey, big date tonight?
181
00:07:52,534 --> 00:07:53,765
Yeah, yeah.
182
00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:56,832
Hey, listen, I'm sorry
about Olivia rejecting you.
183
00:07:56,901 --> 00:07:58,698
Oh, I haven't
given up yet, Brian.
184
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,998
She says she wants
a more mature,
grown-up man,
185
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:02,932
so all I've got to do
is be more grown-up.
186
00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:06,132
What are you doing?
Just cleaning out
your brush, man.
187
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:09,798
(BELL RINGING)
188
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,599
Hi, Jillian.
Hi, Brian, ready to go?
189
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,266
Hey, baby.
190
00:08:16,334 --> 00:08:17,699
Hi, Stewie.
191
00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:19,132
What the hell are you doing?
192
00:08:19,201 --> 00:08:23,032
Not much, really.
Just me and my pubes
hanging out.
193
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,298
Oh, dear God.
194
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:27,331
Boy, I am so beat from
doing adult stuff all day.
195
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,866
So am I.
196
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:31,399
(STRETCHING)
I just kind of feel
like kicking it tonight.
197
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:33,298
Oh, look at that.
I'm growing all the time.
198
00:08:33,366 --> 00:08:35,932
Hey, Jillian, can you
give me a minute?
199
00:08:36,001 --> 00:08:38,632
You ever just let your
balls hang out, B-ri?
200
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:42,165
You ever do that,
B-roney?
201
00:08:42,234 --> 00:08:44,998
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
but the levee was Bri?
202
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,065
Give me my hair back.
203
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,998
Ow! What the hell, man?
204
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:50,565
Stewie, this is not going to
convince Olivia that you're
grown-up enough for her.
205
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:52,265
Oh, yeah? What do you
know about women?
206
00:08:52,334 --> 00:08:53,599
You want to know
how to get women?
207
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,832
There's only one place in town
you need to observe.
208
00:08:56,734 --> 00:08:57,832
Just watch.
209
00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,766
I am not
doing that, Glenn.
210
00:08:59,834 --> 00:09:01,531
Come on, beautiful,
keep an open mind.
211
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,032
You're a sick man.
Hey, keep it down.
212
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,265
I don't want
my neighbors seeing
a fat, old, dirty whore
213
00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:07,765
screaming at me
on my front lawn.
214
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:09,299
"Whore"?
215
00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:10,932
Well, maybe I should
come inside.
216
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,632
Well, maybe you should.
217
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:14,364
What the deuce?
218
00:09:14,433 --> 00:09:17,431
Why the hell would
she respond positively
to such a negative comment?
219
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:18,932
Unless...
220
00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:22,032
Brian, do women like it
when you treat them
like crap?
221
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,532
Well, I don't know
if you want to be
that black and white about it.
222
00:09:24,601 --> 00:09:25,732
That's it, isn't it?
223
00:09:25,801 --> 00:09:28,398
Women respond when you
treat them like crap.
224
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:32,765
Well, Olivia, prepare to meet
a much darker Stewie Griffin.
225
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,632
Hey, babe. What do you say?
We going out Saturday night?
226
00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,598
Stewie, what are you
doing here?
227
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:44,899
I told you, I'm just into
a different type of guy.
228
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:47,698
Oh, yeah? I'll tell you
what you're into.
Being ugly.
229
00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:49,265
Stewie, you're
being mean.
230
00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:50,698
No. If I was
being mean,
231
00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:52,365
when you opened the door
I would have said,
232
00:09:52,434 --> 00:09:56,232
"Oh, hey, Ray Liotta,
is Olivia home?
Oh, wait, you're Olivia."
233
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,932
You see, I thought
you were Ray Liotta
234
00:09:58,001 --> 00:09:59,499
because your skin
has the texture
235
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:01,565
of a decorative
autumn squash.
236
00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:06,298
So, I'll pick you up
at 7:00?
237
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:08,766
(VOICE CRACKING)
That sounds wonderful.
238
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,132
She said yes.
239
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,233
My God, I'm cooler
than that cheetah
from the commercials.
240
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:17,165
(TOM SAWYER PLAYING)
241
00:10:18,734 --> 00:10:20,265
(EXCLAIMS)
242
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:23,599
Oh, God,
there is no fucking drummer
better than Neil Peart!
243
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,765
It ain't easy being cheesy.
244
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:36,265
Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow
is equaled only by your
sense of love.
245
00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:39,066
Peter, have you
been up all night
watching chick movies?
246
00:10:39,134 --> 00:10:40,999
Lois, before I found
these movies,
247
00:10:41,068 --> 00:10:43,264
women only made me cry
through my penis.
248
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:45,331
Now they make me cry
through my eyes.
249
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,465
I've decided.
I'm making my own chick flick.
250
00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:51,432
What? You don't know anything
about making movies.
251
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:54,365
Are you kidding?
I got lots of experience
in the film industry.
252
00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:55,998
I was the original
Pretty Woman.
253
00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:59,199
You look beautiful,
but there's something missing.
254
00:11:00,101 --> 00:11:01,465
(LAUGHING GIRLISHLY)
255
00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,865
This is a beautiful
spot, Stewie.
256
00:11:05,934 --> 00:11:08,332
I know. I love coming here
because you can just sit here
257
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:09,798
and people-watch,
you know?
258
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:11,631
Oh, oh, look at this.
Look at this guy.
259
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:13,432
Look at this.
What is that?
What is he doing?
260
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,398
Just standing there,
smelling his hand?
261
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:17,998
"What is that?
262
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:21,498
(GIGGLING)
"What is that on my hand?
Is that barbecue sauce?
263
00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:24,332
(LAUGHING)
"When was I near
barbecue sauce?"
264
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,532
Oh, look, look!
Jewish cowboy!
Jewish cowboy!
265
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:30,798
STEWIE: Yeah. Not gonna be
so tough when the sun
goes down, are you?
266
00:11:30,867 --> 00:11:32,332
(BOTH LAUGHING)
267
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,632
Better go rassle up
some Chinese food,
Hopalong Nussbaum.
268
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:40,665
You know, Stewie,
I'm really glad
I gave you another chance.
269
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,165
You're a really
special guy.
270
00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:44,399
I know.
271
00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:46,798
No, no, I'm kidding.
I'm not really
that self-centered.
272
00:11:46,867 --> 00:11:50,499
But, you know, Olivia,
I can't think of any place
I'd rather be
273
00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:54,465
than right here,
right now with you.
274
00:11:54,533 --> 00:11:57,364
Oh, look at this guy.
Now, there's someone
who cuts his own hair.
275
00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,398
Yeah, no kidding.
Oh, my God.
276
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,331
Oh, check out this
uptight Asian guy.
Look at that.
277
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,731
(SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY)
"I work really hard,
'cause I'm no fun."
278
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:05,799
(IMITATES GONG)
279
00:12:11,168 --> 00:12:13,133
STEWIE: Boy,
this is a great city.
280
00:12:13,201 --> 00:12:14,732
I don't care
what anybody says.
281
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:17,698
OLIVIA: I know.
Look at that sunset
against the skyline.
282
00:12:17,768 --> 00:12:19,133
I know.
Wow, look at that.
283
00:12:19,201 --> 00:12:21,331
A perfect end
to a perfect day.
284
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,598
Yeah.
285
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,066
Well, we should
probably get home.
286
00:12:24,135 --> 00:12:26,233
This area gets really
dangerous at night.
287
00:12:29,433 --> 00:12:30,966
(ROARING)
288
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:39,732
Okay, everyone, welcome to
the first day of shooting
for Steel Vaginas.
289
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,198
Peter, this movie doesn't
seem to make any sense.
290
00:12:42,266 --> 00:12:43,765
It makes perfect
sense, Lois.
291
00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:46,332
This the scene
where our heroine,
Vageena Hertz,
292
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:47,965
is told by
Dr. McNugget here
293
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:50,298
that she has
incurable chick cancer.
294
00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:52,899
All right, Joe,
let's lose the wheelchair
and shoot this thing.
295
00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:55,698
Peter, I can't
lose the wheelchair.
I need it to move.
296
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:57,498
Okay, yeah,
but your character
can walk.
297
00:12:57,567 --> 00:12:59,899
Peter, I'm handicapped.
I can't walk.
298
00:12:59,967 --> 00:13:01,665
Okay, Chris, roll film.
299
00:13:01,734 --> 00:13:03,232
And action!
300
00:13:04,634 --> 00:13:06,166
Joe, get out
of the damn chair.
301
00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:08,199
Chris, get
the cattle prod.
302
00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:09,298
(SCREAMS)
303
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:10,765
Okay, now give him
some peanut butter
304
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:12,565
so we can make it look
like he's talking.
305
00:13:12,634 --> 00:13:16,565
(LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
306
00:13:16,633 --> 00:13:17,898
God, I hate
these things.
307
00:13:17,968 --> 00:13:19,498
Sweetie, can't you just
have a good time?
308
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:20,631
I don't know anybody.
309
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:21,898
These are all
your friends.
310
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,265
Just relax.
Have some cake
or something.
311
00:13:24,334 --> 00:13:27,032
Hey, hey,
who do we have here?
312
00:13:27,101 --> 00:13:29,299
Oh, my God!
Victor?
313
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,333
Hey, kiddo,
how are you?
314
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,732
Great! Great!
315
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,032
Wow! Stewie,
this is Victor.
316
00:13:35,101 --> 00:13:37,398
We did a Flintstones Vitamins
commercial together.
317
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:39,565
BOTH: "Ten million strong
and growing!"
318
00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:40,932
(LAUGHING)
319
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,765
(DISINTERESTEDDY)
Oh, yeah, good to
meet you. How are you?
320
00:13:43,833 --> 00:13:47,465
Victor's such a good actor.
He played a dead baby
on CSI: Miami.
321
00:13:47,534 --> 00:13:49,265
Yeah, I'm more
into writing now.
322
00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:52,032
Oh, hang on a sec.
Idea for a short story.
323
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,565
Guy picks his nose,
then eats it.
324
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:54,998
Yeah, good luck
with that.
325
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:57,565
Hey, Olivia,
why don't you and I
go get some punch?
326
00:13:57,633 --> 00:14:01,565
Oh, actually, would you mind
getting some for Victor and me
while we catch up?
327
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:05,798
Or, a third option.
Why doesn't Victor go get
some punch for you and me?
328
00:14:05,867 --> 00:14:07,999
Or maybe you and I could
go away from Victor
329
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,198
and go get the punch?
330
00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:10,732
Or none of us
could have punch.
331
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,232
But still Victor
could go away.
332
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:13,932
Victor, would you
excuse us for a second?
333
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,231
Uh... Sure.
334
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,731
Idea for a novel, guy loses
his favorite blankie,
335
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,765
goes looking for it
and finds it in the kitchen.
336
00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:22,598
I amaze myself.
It's genius.
337
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:24,698
It's unbelievable.
I don't know where
I get it from.
338
00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:27,331
What the hell
is wrong with you?
You're acting like a jerk.
339
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,865
Oh, I'm acting like a jerk?
What about Phony Curtis
over there?
340
00:14:30,934 --> 00:14:34,265
He happens to be
a very intelligent,
successful actor.
341
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:36,665
And, you know,
he's done three national
diaper commercials.
342
00:14:36,734 --> 00:14:38,132
Yeah, they should put
a diaper on his face.
343
00:14:38,201 --> 00:14:39,599
That's where the crap
is coming out.
344
00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:42,298
You don't own me.
I can talk to whoever I want.
345
00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:44,065
I don't see a ring
on my finger.
346
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:48,431
I, Stewie,
take you, Olivia,
347
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,331
to be my lawfully
wedded wife.
348
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,032
What's that, Rupert?
Oh, kiss the bride. Yes.
349
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,331
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
350
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,165
Hi, honey, I'm home!
351
00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:04,732
Hi, sweetie,
how was your day?
352
00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:06,465
Well, I was an astronaut
for a while,
353
00:15:06,534 --> 00:15:09,499
then I was a cowboy,
and then all afternoon
I was a fireman,
354
00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:11,999
so it's been a long one.
355
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:14,732
What's for dinner?
Play-Doh spaghetti.
356
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,698
Oh!
What?
357
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:18,298
No. No, it's nothing.
358
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:20,898
Just had Play-Doh spaghetti
last night.
359
00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:22,999
(GRUMBLING)
And that's all we had
last night.
360
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:25,198
What does that mean?
Oh, I don't know, Olivia.
361
00:15:25,267 --> 00:15:29,365
Maybe that we are
in a sexless marriage.
We have yet to have sex.
362
00:15:29,434 --> 00:15:31,365
Do you even know
what sex is?
363
00:15:31,434 --> 00:15:33,865
That's not the point!
Don't change the...
It's a kind of cake?
364
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,465
Look, can we just drop this
and have a normal
pretend dinner?
365
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:37,998
Fine, fine!
366
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,198
Some days
I think it was easier
being Q-Bert's roommate.
367
00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:42,398
(SQUELCHING)
368
00:15:42,467 --> 00:15:44,231
God, it's all night
with this guy.
369
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,231
Hey, if you're gonna leave
all those lights on,
370
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:47,665
I'm not gonna split
the electric bill.
371
00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:53,832
(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
372
00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:55,366
(SIGHING)
Sorry we're late,
everyone,
373
00:15:55,434 --> 00:15:58,132
but JonBenet here
took forever
with her makeup.
374
00:15:58,201 --> 00:16:01,632
Yes, and we probably
would've shaved a few
minutes off our trip,
375
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:04,731
but Mr. Cheapo here
refused to let the valet
touch his Big Wheel,
376
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,132
so we had to drive around
the block six times
till we could find a spot.
377
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,631
But to his credit,
it's a great spot
to get mugged.
378
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:14,131
Oh, wouldn't that be a shame
if they took all my money
out of both our wallets?
379
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,099
Well, it's just good
to have you guys here.
380
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:17,499
Can I get you folks
something to drink?
381
00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:19,265
Yes, I'll just have
flat water.
382
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:21,732
Do you have
HI-C Tropical Punch?
383
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:23,531
And it begins!
384
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,565
What? I can't have
a drink with dinner?
385
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:28,164
Oh, so dinner started
at 2:00 this afternoon,
did it?
386
00:16:28,233 --> 00:16:30,865
Yes, about the same time
you decided to hole up
in the bathroom
387
00:16:30,934 --> 00:16:32,565
for three hours
waxing your eyebrows.
388
00:16:32,634 --> 00:16:34,098
(SHARPLY) You swore
you would never...
389
00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:37,365
I have a prominent brow,
and I do what I can
to get by.
390
00:16:37,434 --> 00:16:39,531
Well, hey, what's important
is that you're here now.
391
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:40,799
Let's just enjoy dinner.
392
00:16:40,868 --> 00:16:42,866
Yeah, can't we just
have a good time?
393
00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:45,364
Ask Olivia.
Olivia, the three of us
are having a great time.
394
00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:46,564
What's your problem?
395
00:16:46,633 --> 00:16:49,099
My problem is you.
You're acting like a baby!
396
00:16:49,168 --> 00:16:52,498
And we come to the center
of the shrubbery maze.
397
00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:54,665
That's what it all
comes down to, isn't it?
398
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:56,432
I'm not grown up
enough for you.
399
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,233
Well, you are a baby,
aren't you?
400
00:16:58,301 --> 00:16:59,599
(ALARMED)
Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.
401
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:00,932
Well, if you think
I'm a baby,
402
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,532
then perhaps
I should act
like a baby.
403
00:17:02,601 --> 00:17:05,599
(IMITATING WAILING)
404
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:07,399
MAN: Hey, could you
keep that kid quiet?
405
00:17:07,468 --> 00:17:09,065
Oh, what's that?
406
00:17:09,134 --> 00:17:10,532
What's that, sir?
What's that?
407
00:17:10,601 --> 00:17:12,332
I'm sorry, am I being
too loud for you?
408
00:17:12,401 --> 00:17:14,432
You wanna come over here
and quiet me down?
409
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,099
Let's not do this.
Oh, God.
410
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:17,532
Stewie, come on.
I'm scared.
411
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,899
No, it's okay. It's okay.
Sir? You feel strong?
412
00:17:19,968 --> 00:17:21,265
You wanna
come over here?
413
00:17:21,334 --> 00:17:22,799
MAN: No,
I want to stay here
and have my steak.
414
00:17:22,868 --> 00:17:24,032
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
415
00:17:24,101 --> 00:17:25,732
What is that,
the porterhouse?
Yeah.
416
00:17:25,801 --> 00:17:27,366
How is it?
What do you care?
417
00:17:27,434 --> 00:17:28,799
If we weren't fighting,
would you recommend it?
418
00:17:28,868 --> 00:17:29,966
Yeah, I would.
419
00:17:30,034 --> 00:17:32,165
Well, I know
what I'm getting.
420
00:17:36,901 --> 00:17:40,999
Hello, everyone. Well,
here we are, opening night.
421
00:17:41,068 --> 00:17:43,799
You know, somebody
once told me that
making movies was easy.
422
00:17:43,867 --> 00:17:45,331
Yeah. Yeah,
you know what else
is easy?
423
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,565
Open heart surgery.
424
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:48,032
FOUAD: (LAUGHING) Yes!
425
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,765
Yeah, thanks
for coming, Fouad.
426
00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:52,999
Oh! Is funny because
open heart surgery
not easy at all.
427
00:17:53,068 --> 00:17:54,765
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Calm down, Fouad.
428
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,066
(FOUAD LAUGHING)
429
00:17:56,133 --> 00:17:59,431
So, without further dudes,
let's watch this thing.
430
00:18:02,034 --> 00:18:05,132
PETER: At first,
I didn't believe
in women and unicorns,
431
00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:08,731
but that was before
I knew about the power
of chick stuff,
432
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,066
and before I knew
Vageena Hertz.
433
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,398
MAN: Sorry.
434
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,266
PETER: When Vageena
was first born,
435
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:18,099
I had a small heart
and a lot to learn.
436
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:21,332
Push, honey! Hurry up
and give me my baby boy!
437
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,432
(WET SQUELCHING)
438
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:25,198
Cleveland,
more SpaghettiOs.
439
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:28,333
Oh, good, a baby.
440
00:18:28,401 --> 00:18:30,299
Oh, no, it's a girl.
441
00:18:30,367 --> 00:18:32,331
And I hate girls.
442
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,298
PETER: But one day, Vageena
went swimming too soon
after eating a sandwich,
443
00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:37,465
and this happened.
444
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:38,932
Help! Help!
445
00:18:39,001 --> 00:18:40,298
I'm drowning!
446
00:18:40,901 --> 00:18:42,365
Help!
447
00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:46,565
We gotta get this woman
to surgery time.
Right stat now!
448
00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:48,266
PETER: But it was too late,
449
00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:50,999
and she died
from a rotten vagina.
450
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,032
Fin.
451
00:18:53,101 --> 00:18:55,599
Wow, that was
the worst piece of crap
I've ever seen.
452
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:58,098
Oh, my God,
that was an abomination.
453
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,731
That was awful.
Awful. Awful, awful.
454
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,432
My ass is
actually sore.
455
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,599
My ass is actually sore.
456
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:08,732
Hey, where's Olivia?
457
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,831
Oh, she's probably
up at the house.
458
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,698
Stewie?
Yeah?
459
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,198
It's not your fault.
460
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:15,965
What?
It's not your fault.
461
00:19:16,034 --> 00:19:17,165
I know.
462
00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:18,665
It's not your fault.
463
00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:19,998
(FIRMLY) I know.
464
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:21,498
No, Stewie, Stewie.
465
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:22,732
It's not your fault.
466
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,099
Don't do this to me, man.
Not you, man.
467
00:19:25,168 --> 00:19:27,665
It's not your fault.
Screw you!
Cut it out, man!
468
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,099
It's not your fault.
469
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,698
(SOBBING)
Why is it so hard?
470
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:34,465
I didn't know
it was gonna be so hard.
471
00:19:36,034 --> 00:19:39,165
Look, Stewie, you stood up
before God and all your toys
472
00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:41,998
and you took an oath
to stick it out
when things got tough.
473
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,498
You want her to see you
as an adult?
474
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:45,032
Well, this is
adulthood.
475
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,032
You're right, Brian.
I can't hide
from this relationship.
476
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:50,465
It's my responsibility
to deal with it.
477
00:19:50,534 --> 00:19:53,798
I mean, what kind of a man
would I be if I ran off now?
478
00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:55,365
Well, you'd be
a black man.
479
00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:56,965
Wow! Wow!
480
00:19:57,034 --> 00:19:59,365
Whoa, what was that?
I'm sorry.
481
00:19:59,433 --> 00:20:01,265
I'm sorry. That was
my father talking.
482
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,698
You, uh,
483
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,298
gotta work on that, man.
484
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:05,665
Bad dog.
485
00:20:08,001 --> 00:20:09,464
Sweetie, listen,
I'm sorry, I...
486
00:20:09,533 --> 00:20:10,565
(BOTH GASPING)
487
00:20:10,634 --> 00:20:11,799
Oh, Stewie!
488
00:20:11,868 --> 00:20:14,032
I thought you were
at Chuck E. Cheese
with your mom.
489
00:20:14,101 --> 00:20:16,765
No. A four-year-old
died in the ball pit.
490
00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:18,132
We had to cancel.
491
00:20:18,201 --> 00:20:20,632
Is that the Silly Putty
I bought you this weekend?
492
00:20:20,701 --> 00:20:22,332
Stewie, this isn't
what it looks like.
493
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,398
Yeah, Stewie,
I just dropped by to...
494
00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:26,732
(EXCLAIMING)
Ain't nobody
talking to you.
495
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:27,965
Is
496
00:20:28,034 --> 00:20:29,032
that
497
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,598
the Silly Putty
498
00:20:30,667 --> 00:20:31,932
I bought you
499
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,232
this weekend?
500
00:20:33,301 --> 00:20:35,632
You know, I'm really... I'm
sensing something here that...
501
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:37,332
I should be going.
502
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,431
No, how about you stay here
and I leave and never
come back again?
503
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,932
Stewie, this isn't
how I wanted it
to end.
504
00:20:43,001 --> 00:20:44,499
But you did
want it to end.
505
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:48,365
You've made that
perfectly clear.
506
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:50,398
Listen, are you
gonna be all right?
507
00:20:50,467 --> 00:20:52,198
Yeah, I'll be fine.
508
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,765
(SNIFFING)
Is that smoke?
509
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:55,832
(GASPING)
510
00:20:55,901 --> 00:20:59,232
Idea for a farce,
cheating wife and pompous ass
burned alive.
511
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,932
(LAUGHING)
512
00:21:10,901 --> 00:21:12,098
So, what happened?
513
00:21:12,167 --> 00:21:14,099
Well, you want to know
what I learned this week?
514
00:21:14,168 --> 00:21:15,832
Being a grown-up sucks.
515
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:18,465
Women, Brian,
what a royal
pain in the ass!
516
00:21:18,533 --> 00:21:21,132
It's like, why can't you
just hang out with guys?
517
00:21:21,201 --> 00:21:23,965
You know, just live
with someone
of your own sex.
518
00:21:24,034 --> 00:21:25,565
Just do what you would do
with women,
519
00:21:25,633 --> 00:21:28,366
but with your buddy.
You know, why don't guys
just do that?
520
00:21:28,434 --> 00:21:30,266
They do.
It's called being gay.
521
00:21:30,333 --> 00:21:31,732
Oh, that's
what gay is?
522
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,465
Oh, yeah, I could
totally get into that.