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00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,766
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,834 --> 00:00:09,332
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,799
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,868 --> 00:00:15,965
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,034 --> 00:00:19,331
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,632
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
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♪ All the things that make us
8
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♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:30,965
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,365
MAN ON TV: And now back
to Romancing the Stone.
11
00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:40,699
The only way they're not
going to kill my sister is
if we give them the stone.
12
00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:42,498
Well, they're going to be
looking everywhere.
13
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We'll have to hide it
in my chin.
14
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Uh-oh, here they come.
You'd better
get in there, too.
15
00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:50,798
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
16
00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:55,265
Good God, Joan Wilder's
sister is being held hostage
in Cartagena,
17
00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:59,165
and there's not a policeman
in sight.
I guess it's up to me.
18
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,665
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Diane Simmons.
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Our top story,
Mayor West has dispatched
the entire Quahog Police Force
20
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,765
to Cartagena, Colombia,
to assist in the rescue
21
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:11,032
of fictional
1984 movie character,
Elaine Wilder.
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00:01:11,100 --> 00:01:12,398
More on that later.
23
00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:14,298
Now let's go
to Ollie Williams'
Cooking Corner.
24
00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:15,599
What are you making, Ollie?
Eggo!
25
00:01:15,667 --> 00:01:17,198
Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
26
00:01:21,134 --> 00:01:23,699
PETER: Lois, can you
come out here for a second?
27
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(GASPS)
28
00:01:25,134 --> 00:01:26,832
Hey, Lois, can you run inside
and get me some oranges
29
00:01:26,901 --> 00:01:28,298
or whatever it is
these things eat?
30
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,132
Peter, what is that?
31
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:34,098
This would be a giraffe,
Isaac Newton.
I stole it from the zoo.
32
00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:35,898
What with Mayor West
sending all the cops away,
33
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:37,398
everybody can do
whatever they want.
34
00:01:37,466 --> 00:01:39,998
Peter, I don't care
what Mayor West has done.
35
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You can't just break the law.
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Sure, I can.
I've been doing it all week.
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00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:47,098
Like yesterday,
I started a lovable gang
of cockney pickpockets.
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00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:50,032
All right, boys,
the best targets are old,
rich people.
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00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:52,132
There's one now. Go get him.
40
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,965
Oh, no, there's no police here
to help me!
41
00:01:56,034 --> 00:01:59,698
I hope you don't
find the money
strapped to my thigh.
42
00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:02,698
Peter, you take
that thing back
where it belongs immediately.
43
00:02:02,767 --> 00:02:06,198
All right, I guess we gotta go
back to the zoo,
Allison Janney.
44
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:07,899
Allison Janney?
45
00:02:07,968 --> 00:02:11,364
QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning,
honey. That feels really good.
What...
46
00:02:11,433 --> 00:02:13,066
Hey! Hey! Hey!
What the hell?
47
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,565
You're not the same giraffe
from last night.
Get out of here!
48
00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:20,965
What the hell?
49
00:02:21,034 --> 00:02:24,299
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
50
00:02:24,368 --> 00:02:28,365
I gotta stop taking my baths
during Peter's shenanigans.
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00:02:32,168 --> 00:02:33,232
(PHONE RINGING)
52
00:02:33,301 --> 00:02:35,798
Hello. Oh, hey, Jillian.
What's up?
53
00:02:35,867 --> 00:02:39,231
Brian, are you coming over
to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
54
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:40,965
What time does it start?
55
00:02:41,034 --> 00:02:43,431
10:00 Eastern
and specific time.
56
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:45,899
What? What did you say?
Specific time?
57
00:02:45,967 --> 00:02:47,098
Don't you mean Pacific time?
58
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,531
No, I think
it's called specific time.
59
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,699
They mean it starts
specifically at 10:00.
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00:02:51,767 --> 00:02:54,532
(STEWIE SNICKERING)
Stewie, are you on the line?
61
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:55,698
STEWIE: Yes.
62
00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:57,166
Jillian, I'll talk
to you later.
63
00:02:57,234 --> 00:02:58,699
(CRYING)
64
00:03:02,434 --> 00:03:04,432
So, Meg...
65
00:03:06,034 --> 00:03:08,565
How was school?
Horrible.
66
00:03:08,634 --> 00:03:11,899
There's a dance Friday night
and no one wants
to go with me.
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00:03:11,968 --> 00:03:14,198
Even my backup guy
had plans.
68
00:03:14,267 --> 00:03:15,398
Hi, Jimmy.
69
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:17,531
I heard you didn't
have a date to the dance,
70
00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:19,732
and I was wondering
if you'd like to go with me.
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00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:22,131
(STAMMERING)
Oh, I...
72
00:03:22,533 --> 00:03:23,565
Hang on.
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(GUN FIRES)
74
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:32,332
I'd love to go, Meg,
but I have to go to my little
brother's funeral that night.
75
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,232
Oh, I'm sure you'll find
someone to go with you.
76
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:37,665
No, I won't.
I'm so fat and gross.
77
00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:39,065
Oh...
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00:03:39,134 --> 00:03:42,132
(SOBBING)
I should just kill myself.
79
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,799
Oh, that's... Come on.
I'm gonna do it.
80
00:03:45,868 --> 00:03:48,865
I'm gonna kill myself
'cause no one will go with me.
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00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:50,364
Oh...
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00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:57,464
Meg, stop it. Come on.
83
00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,999
All right, all right,
Meg, look, what if I...
84
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:03,798
What if I drove you
and walked in with you
or whatever?
85
00:04:03,867 --> 00:04:05,731
(GASPING)
Brian, will you go with me?
86
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,798
Are you going to
kill yourself if I don't?
Yeah.
87
00:04:07,867 --> 00:04:10,098
(LAUGHING)
Well, then my hands
are pretty much tied.
88
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,032
Oh, Brian, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
89
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:15,798
Oh, I have to buy a new dress.
All the ones
I have make me look fat.
90
00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:17,399
Oh...
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00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:20,398
The story on everyone's mind
continues to be
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00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:23,432
the absence
of police officers in Quahog.
93
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:26,665
Sir, as a citizen,
how has this affected you?
94
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:30,032
The police are gone?
Oh, my God,
we're finally safe!
95
00:04:30,101 --> 00:04:34,032
♪ Freedom you see
Has got our hearts singing
so joyfully
96
00:04:34,101 --> 00:04:37,832
♪ Just look about
You owe it to yourself
to check it out
97
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:41,799
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
98
00:04:41,867 --> 00:04:45,465
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
99
00:04:45,533 --> 00:04:49,531
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
100
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:53,565
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day? ♪
101
00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:58,032
Hey, Joe, where you been?
We haven't seen you in days.
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00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:01,365
Ever since
Mayor West deployed
the police to Cartagena,
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00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,132
I've been working nonstop.
104
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,032
The only reason
I didn't have to go myself
105
00:05:05,101 --> 00:05:07,932
is that South America
isn't wheelchair accessible.
106
00:05:08,001 --> 00:05:11,465
Hey, you guys,
we should help Joe out.
We could be cops, right, Joe?
107
00:05:11,534 --> 00:05:14,632
Well, we have started
an emergency training program
108
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,199
at the police academy,
109
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:19,032
but I'm not sure that you're
cut out for the job.
110
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:20,965
Come on, we'll be great cops.
111
00:05:21,034 --> 00:05:23,765
Besides, it's bound
to go better
than my deep-sea training.
112
00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:26,698
Well, we've got a long time
in this decompression chamber.
113
00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:28,532
You guys mind
if I turn on the radio?
114
00:05:28,601 --> 00:05:30,665
Peter, don't!
115
00:05:30,734 --> 00:05:33,231
Nice going, jackass.
Look what you did.
116
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,831
Hey. Hey, excuse
the hell out of me
117
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,065
for trying
to brighten your day
with music, all right?
118
00:05:37,134 --> 00:05:39,798
You idiot, use your brain.
You're an idiot.
119
00:05:39,867 --> 00:05:41,731
(ALL CLAMORING)
120
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,264
Stop, stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
121
00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:48,266
Oh, man, we're going to need
some butter or something.
122
00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:55,199
Oh, Brian,
it is so nice of you
to take Meg to this dance.
123
00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:56,965
It really means a lot to her.
124
00:05:57,034 --> 00:05:59,365
You got any weed?
I put it in your coat pocket.
125
00:05:59,434 --> 00:06:00,932
Here she is.
126
00:06:01,001 --> 00:06:03,699
Brian, I present to you
your polished turd
for the evening.
127
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:08,765
How do I look, Brian?
Uh, you sure do, Meg.
128
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:13,065
FYI, the carpet
matches the drapes
in color and quantity.
129
00:06:13,134 --> 00:06:14,899
Ever seen
a blacksmith's apron?
130
00:06:18,034 --> 00:06:21,832
Well, Brian, here we go.
Oh, this is going to be
so much fun.
131
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:25,631
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
132
00:06:28,366 --> 00:06:30,165
God, this is going to be
a long night.
133
00:06:30,234 --> 00:06:33,199
Oh, Brian, let's dance.
This song kicks ass.
134
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:36,932
♪ Hold on to the night
135
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:43,565
♪ Hold on to the... ♪
136
00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:46,832
Man, I gotta tell you,
I can see
why you'd be insecure, Meg.
137
00:06:46,901 --> 00:06:50,066
Some of these chicks
are unbelievable.
138
00:06:50,134 --> 00:06:51,932
Brian, can I
ask you something?
139
00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:54,431
Are you drinking so much
because you don't
want to be here?
140
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:59,398
No, no, Meg. It's... That's...
My God, look at these chicks.
141
00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:01,865
You know the best thing
about these girls is,
142
00:07:01,934 --> 00:07:04,865
even if you're terrible,
they don't know
the difference.
143
00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:07,366
You know, Meg,
there's no dogs allowed here,
144
00:07:07,435 --> 00:07:10,099
so you're going to
have to leave.
But Brian can stay.
145
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:11,698
(ALL LAUGHING)
146
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:14,798
You know, Connie,
I think I have a theory
about why you're such a bitch.
147
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:16,565
Excuse me?
Brian, let's just go.
148
00:07:16,633 --> 00:07:19,198
No, no, no, no, no.
Now, hang on.
Hang on, Meg, hang on.
149
00:07:19,267 --> 00:07:22,265
You see, Connie,
you're popular because
you developed early
150
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:24,499
and started giving hand jobs
when you were 12.
151
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:26,799
But now you can't stand
to look at yourself
in the mirror
152
00:07:26,868 --> 00:07:28,199
because all you see
is a whore.
153
00:07:28,267 --> 00:07:30,899
So, you pick on Meg to avoid
the inevitable realization
154
00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:33,565
that once your body's
used up by age 19,
155
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:36,232
you're gonna be a worn-out,
chalky-skinned burlap sack
156
00:07:36,301 --> 00:07:39,265
that even your stepdad
won't want. How's that?
Am I in the ballpark?
157
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,799
(SOBBING)
158
00:07:41,867 --> 00:07:45,398
Brian, that was amazing.
No one's ever stood up
for me like that.
159
00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:47,799
Hey, no problem.
She's a... She's a skank.
160
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:49,431
You know, you don't...
You don't deserve...
161
00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:53,032
You don't deserve
all the crap you get, Meg,
you know that?
162
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,398
Thanks, Brian.
163
00:07:55,366 --> 00:08:00,598
♪ Tell me why ♪
164
00:08:05,434 --> 00:08:08,632
Sorry, that was the booze,
not you.
165
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:10,032
You gonna eat that?
166
00:08:15,134 --> 00:08:19,364
Yes, the day can begin.
Good morning, Brian.
167
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:22,832
Now, we can do this
one of two ways. I can bust
your balls to pieces right now
168
00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:24,932
or we can spread it out
over the course of the day.
169
00:08:25,001 --> 00:08:26,665
I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, I do.
170
00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:28,665
So, tell me everything
that happened at the dance.
171
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:31,198
Morning, cutie.
Yeah, hey.
172
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:33,431
I had so much fun
last night, Brian.
173
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:35,932
Hey, I thought maybe we can go
get some coffee later.
174
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,231
I don't think so.
175
00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:40,966
Oh, come on. Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy? Huh?
176
00:08:41,034 --> 00:08:42,999
Who's a good boy?
Me.
177
00:08:43,068 --> 00:08:46,799
Oh, yes, yes,
who's a good boy?
I am, I'm a good boy.
178
00:08:46,867 --> 00:08:50,264
But, no, no. Look,
I got stuff to do today.
All right? Sorry.
179
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:53,198
Well, we should
hook up anyway.
I'll bug you later.
180
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,765
Well, she seems to have
taken a shine to you, Brian.
181
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:00,231
With a little encouragement,
182
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:02,398
you might get her
to put her cankles
behind her ears.
183
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:03,498
Stewie, shut up.
184
00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:04,565
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
185
00:09:04,634 --> 00:09:06,598
Who the hell is texting me
at 8:00 a.m.?
186
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:12,831
Wait a minute,
something did happen
last night.
187
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,232
Look, it's not
that big a deal, all right?
We just...
188
00:09:15,301 --> 00:09:17,598
We just
made out a little.
189
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,132
(EXCLAIMING)
190
00:09:19,201 --> 00:09:21,799
Tell me about it. Go!
It didn't mean anything.
191
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:25,298
I had a few too many
and... It's not even
worth going into.
192
00:09:25,366 --> 00:09:27,299
Oh, this is
an even bigger jackpot
193
00:09:27,368 --> 00:09:30,966
than when the Emperor
figured out the formula
for great Star Wars dialogue.
194
00:09:31,034 --> 00:09:36,698
Something, something,
something, dark side.
195
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:40,698
Something, something,
something, complete.
196
00:09:57,467 --> 00:10:01,565
Well, this is it.
Our first day
of Police Academy 4.
197
00:10:01,633 --> 00:10:03,699
Welcome to
the police academy.
198
00:10:03,768 --> 00:10:06,699
We're gonna start
by learning
how to do a cavity search.
199
00:10:06,768 --> 00:10:08,732
Peter, you will be
the police officer
200
00:10:08,801 --> 00:10:10,999
and Quagmire,
you will be the suspect.
201
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:12,066
Begin.
202
00:10:12,134 --> 00:10:14,498
Sir, I suspect you are
in possession of drugs
203
00:10:14,566 --> 00:10:16,799
and I'm gonna have to
give you a full cavity search.
204
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:18,466
Drop your pants.
205
00:10:20,268 --> 00:10:22,865
JOE: Peter,
you don't have to
pull your pants down.
206
00:10:22,934 --> 00:10:26,732
Sorry. I'm still learning.
JOE:
All right, start the search.
207
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:40,199
I think that's everything.
CLEVELAND: You want me
to double check?
208
00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:44,165
I appreciate you guys
volunteering for this
next phase of training,
209
00:10:44,234 --> 00:10:47,132
which will address
how to deal
with a crazed drug user.
210
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,198
Hey, Joe, what are we
supposed to do in here?
211
00:10:49,266 --> 00:10:50,999
You see that coffee
you're drinking?
212
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,798
I have,
without your knowledge,
213
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:56,298
added a large amount of PCP
to one of those
cups of coffee.
214
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:58,798
I won't say which one,
but in a few moments,
215
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:02,965
one of you will
completely lose your
freaking mind. Good luck.
216
00:11:03,034 --> 00:11:04,932
Uh-oh.
This is not good.
217
00:11:05,001 --> 00:11:07,732
We're in trouble.
All right, let's all try
and relax here, right?
218
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,699
I don't feel so good.
219
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:13,298
God, it's Cleveland,
it's him, it's him!
Shut up, maybe it's you.
220
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,932
How the hell did all this skin
get on my arm?
221
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:18,431
(ALL SCREAMING)
222
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:22,032
Quagmire, put your skin
back on. One of us
is about to freak out.
223
00:11:26,134 --> 00:11:28,732
Hi, honey.
What?
224
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,765
I was thinking
about our kiss last night.
225
00:11:30,834 --> 00:11:33,999
I never knew how flat
and wide your tongue was.
226
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,665
Yeah.
227
00:11:35,734 --> 00:11:37,599
You know, I've thought about
how you stood up for me
at the dance
228
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:39,332
and all the nice things
you said.
229
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,265
We should totally be
boyfriend and girlfriend.
230
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:44,232
Well, Meg...
231
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:48,132
You know what's strange?
I think I might be gay.
232
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,465
I saw this penis
on the internet today
and I thought to myself,
233
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:55,099
"Well, that's...
That's just fine."
234
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:56,798
I'm going to the mall later.
235
00:11:56,867 --> 00:12:00,565
Maybe you can come
and help me pick out
some underwear.
236
00:12:00,634 --> 00:12:05,232
I don't think
that's gonna be a possibility.
I have plans...
237
00:12:05,301 --> 00:12:07,966
With Chris. Chris and I
have plans this afternoon.
238
00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:10,233
We do?
Yeah, we're doing that thing.
239
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:14,166
We're doing
what you usually do
on a Thursday afternoon.
240
00:12:14,235 --> 00:12:15,531
Masturbate?
Masturbate.
241
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,298
We're gonna
masturbate together.
242
00:12:17,366 --> 00:12:22,099
Well, maybe back to back,
but I gotta tell you,
I'm not 100% on this.
243
00:12:22,168 --> 00:12:24,598
Oh, there's the cute
prom couple.
244
00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:27,832
Hi, Mom. Is it cool
if Brian and I go to the mall
this afternoon?
245
00:12:27,901 --> 00:12:31,465
Actually, I thought
I was pretty clear...
Of course, it's okay.
246
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,832
Ever since that dance,
you two have become
such good friends.
247
00:12:34,901 --> 00:12:36,498
Who would have thought?
248
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:39,333
We're more than friends, Mom.
Last night,
at the dance, Brian...
249
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,199
Last night,
we decided to be best friends.
Right, Meg?
250
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:44,398
Come on, let's go to the mall.
We'll get you a...
251
00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:48,665
Get you a big old pretzel.
I want a pretzel, too.
252
00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:51,999
CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready.
You in or out?
253
00:13:00,201 --> 00:13:04,233
Everyone, this is Brian.
Oh, this is Brian.
254
00:13:04,301 --> 00:13:05,732
He does look
like Ben Affleck.
255
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,465
He looks
just like Ben Affleck.
256
00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:09,131
Is that Ben Affleck?
Hey.
257
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:13,098
So, how did you guys meet?
I'm a friend of her dad's.
258
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,865
Ooh, he's older.
259
00:13:14,934 --> 00:13:16,798
He's cute.
Do you have a brother?
260
00:13:16,867 --> 00:13:19,732
Make-up and stickers
and ponies and myspace.com.
261
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,831
Brian's the first serious
boyfriend I've ever had.
262
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,598
Meg, can I talk to you
for a second?
263
00:13:26,634 --> 00:13:30,066
Look, this has gone
a little too far. I like you,
I think you're great.
264
00:13:30,135 --> 00:13:34,698
But what happened
at the dance was... I mean,
that kiss was just a mistake.
265
00:13:34,768 --> 00:13:36,365
Oh, no,
did I do something wrong?
266
00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:38,199
Was it because I didn't
sniff your butt first?
267
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:41,498
What? No. I mean, yes.
That's how I would know
you were interested.
268
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:43,832
But, Meg, the fact is
you and I are friends
269
00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:46,465
and that's the way
it needs to stay.
270
00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:49,298
Besides, I have a girlfriend,
I'm dating Jillian.
271
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:52,133
All right, Brian.
I understand.
272
00:13:52,201 --> 00:13:55,698
Good. I'm gonna grab Stewie
and then we can go.
273
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:59,166
What's that Brian?
Oh, you were just kidding?
274
00:13:59,235 --> 00:14:03,732
I knew you were.
I love you, too, Brian,
and you love me.
275
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,598
You do love me, Brian.
276
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:15,098
Hey, Brian.
Oh, Meg. Hey.
277
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:18,232
Hey, listen, I hope
you're feeling all right about
our little talk the other day.
278
00:14:18,301 --> 00:14:20,333
You know, about us being
just friends and all.
279
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:23,099
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
280
00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:27,132
And, hey, look I...
I wanted to thank you
for being so great to me.
281
00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:31,698
So, I baked you a pie.
Oh, wow. Hey,
that looks delicious.
282
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,932
Mmm. Wow, this is good.
What's in there?
283
00:14:34,001 --> 00:14:38,631
Well, there some apples
and some cinnamon
and my hair.
284
00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:41,498
What?
My hair's in the pie, Brian.
285
00:14:41,567 --> 00:14:46,698
And now it's inside of you.
Part of me
is inside of you, Brian.
286
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,465
Do you feel me, Brian?
287
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:52,298
Do you feel me inside of you?
288
00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:57,732
Ooh, you got some pie, huh?
Can I have a piece?
289
00:14:57,801 --> 00:15:00,732
Uh, sure.
Ooh, let me have
some of that Cool Whip.
290
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,598
What'd you say?
You can't have a pie
without Cool Whip.
291
00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:05,431
Cool Whip?
Cool Whip, yeah.
292
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,565
You mean, Cool Whip.
Yeah, Cool Whip.
293
00:15:07,634 --> 00:15:08,899
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
294
00:15:08,968 --> 00:15:10,698
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
295
00:15:10,768 --> 00:15:12,866
You're saying it weird.
Why are you putting
so much emphasis on the "H"?
296
00:15:12,934 --> 00:15:14,598
What are you talking about?
I'm just saying it, Cool Whip.
297
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:17,166
You put Cool Whip on pie.
Pie tastes better
with Cool Whip.
298
00:15:17,235 --> 00:15:18,465
Say "whip".
Whip.
299
00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:20,166
Now say "Cool Whip".
Cool Whip.
300
00:15:20,235 --> 00:15:21,665
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
301
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,866
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
302
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:24,398
You're eating hair!
303
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:29,765
Well, Lois,
I am now a graduate
of the Quahog Police Academy
304
00:15:29,834 --> 00:15:32,565
and an official on-duty cop.
305
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:36,832
Oh, I can't believe
I'm married to a big,
scary police officer.
306
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:39,565
Just keep your eyes
on the eggs, ma'am.
307
00:15:40,434 --> 00:15:43,432
(LAUGHING)
Yes, Officer.
308
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:47,265
You are such a dirty cop.
Don't break
those yolks, ma'am.
309
00:15:47,333 --> 00:15:48,598
Oh, my God, Lois,
I hit you.
310
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:51,765
I know. Now stick your finger
in there and twist it.
311
00:15:55,366 --> 00:16:00,098
Hey, Lois. Can I talk to you
for a second? I think we may
have a problem with Meg.
312
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:03,032
You're telling me?
She's been locked
in her room all day.
313
00:16:03,101 --> 00:16:05,832
Who knows
what she's doing up there?
314
00:16:05,901 --> 00:16:07,731
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
315
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,898
Yeah, well, the thing is,
Meg is becoming
a little enamored with me
316
00:16:19,967 --> 00:16:22,865
and I'm kind of losing control
of the situation.
317
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,665
Oh, she's just grateful
you took her to the dance.
318
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:29,032
Well, I think
it's more than that.
319
00:16:29,101 --> 00:16:31,732
So here's the thing,
and don't get mad,
320
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,432
and that part
I can't stress enough...
321
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,665
That's a great shirt,
by the way.
322
00:16:35,734 --> 00:16:38,798
I may have
made out with Meg.
323
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,166
Okay, I had that coming.
324
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:45,132
What the hell
is wrong with you?
You sick bastard.
325
00:16:45,201 --> 00:16:47,698
Look, I was drinking...
Oh, what a shock.
326
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:49,498
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
327
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:52,899
Look, the short version
is this morning she made me
eat her hair pie...
328
00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:55,464
No, it's not what you think.
Stewie had some, too.
329
00:16:55,533 --> 00:16:57,132
Stop punching me.
330
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,765
Look, Brian, I don't know
what the hell happened
between you two
331
00:16:59,834 --> 00:17:04,166
but you better go upstairs
and straighten it out
right now.
332
00:17:04,235 --> 00:17:07,665
This is even worse than
when you ate that bubble-gum
out of the garbage.
333
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:10,465
Brian, did you get
into the garbage
last night?
334
00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:13,798
Uh, no. Why?
Don't lie to me, Brian.
335
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,099
I'm not lying.
336
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,332
(FARTS)
337
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:21,898
Meg, you got a minute?
338
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,465
What the hell?
339
00:17:27,534 --> 00:17:30,099
I made that for you, Brian.
Meg!
340
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:33,599
Look, you obviously
didn't hear me yesterday.
So I'll explain it again.
341
00:17:33,667 --> 00:17:34,732
And here to assist me is
342
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,298
Headmaster of
the New York School
343
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:38,499
for the Hard of Hearing,
Mr. Garrett Morris.
344
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,832
Meg, we're not
boyfriend and girlfriend.
345
00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:44,398
(SHOUTING)
We're not boyfriend
and girlfriend!
346
00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:46,232
I will never be
attracted to you.
347
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:50,398
I will never be
attracted to you!
348
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:52,432
You're acting
like a psycho bitch.
349
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:56,165
You're acting
like a psycho bitch!
350
00:17:56,234 --> 00:17:58,432
Goodnight and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
351
00:17:58,501 --> 00:18:02,364
Goodnight and have
a pleasant tomorrow!
352
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:07,799
I won't be ignored, Brian.
353
00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:09,798
I like your ass.
354
00:18:15,034 --> 00:18:16,598
(BRIAN RUNNING)
355
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:25,233
Joe, I gotta tell you.
356
00:18:25,301 --> 00:18:27,066
This whole cop thing
ain't as exciting
as I thought it was gonna be.
357
00:18:27,134 --> 00:18:29,032
When do we get to shoot
some bad guys?
358
00:18:29,101 --> 00:18:30,998
Guys, it's not
all about action.
359
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,431
It's about staying vigilant
until you're needed.
360
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:36,165
What are you doing?
I'm watching Bonnie undress.
361
00:18:36,233 --> 00:18:38,365
Bonnie's your wife.
I know.
362
00:18:38,433 --> 00:18:41,431
I like to watch her strip
and pretend she's a woman
who I've never met
363
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,598
but who looks just like Bonnie
and lives in my house.
364
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:46,698
Get naked, you strange whore!
365
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:49,999
Peter, I haven't seen Meg
or Brian since last night.
366
00:18:50,068 --> 00:18:51,765
I think something
may have happened.
367
00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:55,965
Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg
tie up Brian last night,
368
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:58,632
put him in the trunk
of his car
and then drive away?
369
00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:01,266
What? Chris,
why didn't you say anything?
370
00:19:01,334 --> 00:19:03,166
I dropped the ball,
I'm sorry.
371
00:19:03,234 --> 00:19:07,665
I have just been buried
in paperwork
for the past 72 hours.
372
00:19:07,734 --> 00:19:11,665
Oh, my God. Brian was right.
Meg really must be
obsessed with him.
373
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,032
Peter, we gotta find them.
374
00:19:13,101 --> 00:19:14,665
Don't worry, Lois,
we're the police
375
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:17,632
and we'll do our very best
to find Brian and girl-Chris.
376
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:23,665
I'm really having
a great time tonight, Brian.
377
00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:26,032
I can't believe
you went to all this trouble.
378
00:19:26,101 --> 00:19:31,132
Well, you know me.
Oh, I do, Brian.
I know you so well.
379
00:19:31,201 --> 00:19:34,032
So, are you ready?
For what?
380
00:19:34,101 --> 00:19:38,498
For the fun
we're gonna have, Brian.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
381
00:19:38,566 --> 00:19:44,032
Good old-fashioned,
all-American fun.
382
00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:48,432
Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna
lie to you, here.
I'm a little uncomfortable.
383
00:19:48,501 --> 00:19:51,932
Oh, just relax.
We're gonna be here
for a while.
384
00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:53,432
Well, I don't know if...
Wait, what?
385
00:19:53,501 --> 00:19:55,199
We're gonna be here
for a while.
386
00:19:55,268 --> 00:19:57,465
A while?
Yeah, a while.
387
00:19:57,534 --> 00:19:59,132
You mean a while?
A while.
388
00:19:59,201 --> 00:20:00,532
A while.
A while.
389
00:20:00,601 --> 00:20:01,899
A while.
A while.
390
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:03,965
A while.
Brian, you're acting weird.
391
00:20:04,034 --> 00:20:06,631
Oh, come on,
that one doesn't even
have an "H" in it.
392
00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:10,098
Don't move, dirtbag.
Holy crap,
what the hell is this?
393
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,098
Brian, she's a teenager.
394
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:15,266
Yeah, Brian, you're doing
the same thing that Mia Farrow
did to that Chinaman
395
00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:17,332
that Woody Allen brought home
from the circus.
396
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,932
Peter, hold on
to that thought, because
I'm going to explain to you
397
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,532
when we get home
all the things that are wrong
with that statement.
398
00:20:22,601 --> 00:20:25,232
But, first, Meg,
you need to let Brian go.
399
00:20:25,301 --> 00:20:29,132
But Mom, I love him!
Honey, you're just confused.
400
00:20:29,201 --> 00:20:30,632
I'm not confused.
401
00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:33,632
I've never been more certain
about anything in my life.
402
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:35,199
I need him.
403
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,832
Meg, I know
that's what you think
right now, but you're...
404
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:40,398
God, I wish I could
make you understand.
405
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:42,198
You don't know what you need.
406
00:20:42,266 --> 00:20:44,732
I know what she needs.
You do?
407
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,599
You bet. Bring her by my house
around 8:30 tonight,
I'll take care of her.
408
00:20:48,667 --> 00:20:50,965
(DOORBELL RINGING)
409
00:20:51,034 --> 00:20:53,698
Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Mom said
I should come over here?
410
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:57,198
Have a seat, Meg.
Soon, it'll all become clear.
411
00:20:58,433 --> 00:21:00,032
(MUSIC PLAYING)
412
00:21:02,134 --> 00:21:05,965
Excuse me, while I get
a little more comfortable.
413
00:21:06,034 --> 00:21:08,799
Meg, I've watched you grow up
from a playful little girl
414
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:10,965
into a very special
young woman.
415
00:21:11,034 --> 00:21:14,598
Now, you probably just think
of me as "square old
Mr. Quagmire from next door,"
416
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:17,731
but, I've been
around the block a few times,
learned a couple things.
417
00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:21,331
And I can tell you this,
there's no reason
to grow up too fast.
418
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,899
Teenage girls are exposed
to so much these days
419
00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:26,364
I can see why a relationship
looks glamorous.
420
00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:28,032
But, you've got
all the time in the world,
421
00:21:28,101 --> 00:21:31,065
and a lot
of wonderful experiences
ahead of you.
422
00:21:31,134 --> 00:21:34,132
Hang on,
I wanna give you something.
423
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,531
This book helped me
when I was about your age.
424
00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:41,065
It let me know
that as long as
I kept on rolling,
425
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,866
I'd find that one person
who would make me whole.
426
00:21:43,934 --> 00:21:47,032
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
You don't have to thank me.
427
00:21:47,101 --> 00:21:49,665
Now, get on out of here,
you little scamp.
428
00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:54,932
All right, ladies,
you ready for action?
429
00:21:55,001 --> 00:21:57,999
We sure are, Glenn.
Do you have the whip?
430
00:21:58,068 --> 00:21:59,865
Got it right... Wait, what?
431
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,565
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up at 11:00,
432
00:22:04,634 --> 00:22:07,665
Quahog police
return to active duty
after giving up the search
433
00:22:07,734 --> 00:22:10,865
for fictitious
Romancing the Stone
character, Elaine Wilder.
434
00:22:10,934 --> 00:22:13,832
Plus, in national news,
America's Scoutmasters
are asking,
435
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:15,998
"Why are the kids
so shy in the shower?"
436
00:22:16,067 --> 00:22:18,998
And, in entertainment,
is Annette Bening
made of leather?
437
00:22:19,067 --> 00:22:21,332
A local tanner
has a surprising revelation.
438
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,998
We'll have all this,
and what else, Ollie?
439
00:22:23,067 --> 00:22:25,365
OLLIE: Sports!
And sports. Join us at 11:00.