1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,565
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,634 --> 00:00:09,298
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:12,799
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,868 --> 00:00:16,032
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:19,264
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:22,632
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:24,132
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,999
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:30,966
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,268 --> 00:00:41,598
Um, Mom, Dad, I decided
I want a big party this year
with all my friends.
11
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,232
And maybe a band?
Is that cool?
12
00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:45,765
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why not? Sure.
13
00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:47,431
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why not? Sure.
14
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,198
Oh, thanks, guys,
you're the best.
15
00:00:50,266 --> 00:00:52,565
What's she talking about?
A party for what?
16
00:00:52,633 --> 00:00:54,832
I don't know.
She have her period
or something?
17
00:00:54,901 --> 00:00:57,298
Is she getting married?
No, if she was
getting married,
18
00:00:57,367 --> 00:00:58,965
we probably would have
seen a guy around, right?
19
00:00:59,034 --> 00:01:00,231
Sound reasoning.
20
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:02,998
You guys.
It's Meg's birthday
next week.
21
00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:05,032
Oh, my God. It is.
22
00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:06,999
Peter, we got to
put together a party.
23
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,299
Oh, man,
I hate kids' birthday parties.
24
00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:11,065
This is gonna be worse
than that time I was stuck
25
00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:13,264
behind Robert Loggia
at the airport.
26
00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:16,198
May I have your name
please?
Robert Loggia.
27
00:01:16,267 --> 00:01:17,698
Can you spell that
for me?
28
00:01:17,767 --> 00:01:22,832
Certainly.
That's Robert Loggia.
R as in Robert Loggia.
29
00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:26,499
O as in "Oh, my God,
it's Robert Loggia."
30
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:30,198
B as in "By God,
that's Robert Loggia."
31
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:34,198
E as in "Everybody loves
Robert Loggia."
32
00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:37,398
R as in Robert Loggia.
33
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:40,865
T as in "Tim, look over there,
it's Robert Loggia."
34
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:42,632
Space.
35
00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:45,565
L as in
"Look, it's Robert Loggia."
36
00:01:45,634 --> 00:01:46,632
(SIGHS)
37
00:01:51,201 --> 00:01:52,799
Here you are, Brian.
What's this?
38
00:01:52,867 --> 00:01:55,665
It's an invitation
to Meg's party.
I'm the party planner.
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00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:58,365
You have to RSVP.
You could do it right now
if you want.
40
00:01:58,434 --> 00:01:59,865
All right, fine.
I'll come to Meg's party.
41
00:01:59,934 --> 00:02:02,965
No, you have to
call the RSVP line.
42
00:02:03,034 --> 00:02:05,366
You got to be kidding me.
I'm waiting.
43
00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:08,332
(SIGHING) Ring, ring.
44
00:02:09,134 --> 00:02:10,699
Aren't you gonna pick it up?
45
00:02:10,768 --> 00:02:12,999
No, I'm not gonna pick it up
on the first few rings.
I'm busy.
46
00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,766
Maybe I'm in the other room.
47
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:21,132
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
48
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,398
Ring. Oh, come on.
Hello.
49
00:02:24,467 --> 00:02:26,232
Stewie?
No.
50
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:29,198
This is Stewie's housekeeper,
Mrs. Pennyapple.
I'll see if he's in. Stewie.
51
00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:31,198
Stewie.
Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple?
52
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:32,965
You've got a telephone call.
Who is it?
53
00:02:33,034 --> 00:02:34,932
He didn't say.
Well, find out, would you?
54
00:02:35,001 --> 00:02:36,432
Who is this?
It's Brian.
55
00:02:36,501 --> 00:02:38,132
It's Brian.
Oh, Brian.
56
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,132
Probably RSVPing
about Megan's party.
Hello, Brian.
57
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,698
Hi, Stewie.
What can I do for you?
58
00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:44,298
I'm coming to Meg's party.
59
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:46,565
Oh, splendid,
just give your information
to Mrs. Pennyapple.
60
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,232
Hello,
it's Mrs. Pennyapple again.
61
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,099
Shall I put you down
for two, Brendan?
62
00:02:50,167 --> 00:02:51,198
Brian.
Ryan.
63
00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:52,298
Brian.
Mitchell.
64
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:53,565
What?
Goodbye.
65
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,198
Hey, Lois,
I'm ordering a birthday cake
66
00:02:57,266 --> 00:03:00,231
and the guy wants to know
how old Meg is. I didn't know
what to tell him.
67
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,265
You're asking me?
Yeah, how old is Meg?
68
00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:03,799
Well, I don't know.
69
00:03:03,868 --> 00:03:06,365
Well, my God, Lois.
I thought you were the one
keeping track of that.
70
00:03:06,433 --> 00:03:08,299
No, no, I have no idea.
71
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:10,999
Don't you remember me
faking my way
through her last birthday?
72
00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:15,698
♪ You are...going on...
73
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:18,965
♪ Fellows will fall in line ♪
74
00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:23,232
Should we just ask her
how old she is?
75
00:03:23,301 --> 00:03:25,732
Uh, that'd be
kind of awkward, huh?
76
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,866
Hey, maybe we should just
cut off her leg
and count the rings.
77
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:33,699
Yeah, or maybe try
carbon-dating.
I don't know what that is.
78
00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:36,099
You know, we're gonna
have to talk to her
79
00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:39,431
and kind of steer
the conversation in a way
that gets her to spill it.
80
00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:40,532
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
81
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:41,599
Come in.
82
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,665
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Meg.
83
00:03:43,733 --> 00:03:46,898
So, Meg, your birthday's
coming up, huh?
84
00:03:46,967 --> 00:03:50,431
You excited about turning...
85
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,931
Uh, Meg, I got 16 candles
for your birthday cake.
86
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,532
How does that sound?
That's not right.
87
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,532
So less, more,
88
00:04:03,601 --> 00:04:06,798
too many, not enough?
89
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:10,465
You stupid son of a bitch,
you didn't even know
how old I am.
90
00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:13,665
Meg, that kind of language
is not appropriate
for a girl your age.
91
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:16,498
Or is it?
92
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:18,798
I'm gonna be 17,
you jerks.
93
00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:21,798
She's the jerk.
94
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:27,431
All right,
come on in, everybody.
95
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,665
Have a seat anywhere.
96
00:04:28,733 --> 00:04:30,865
Meg's gonna open her presents
in a little bit.
97
00:04:30,933 --> 00:04:34,198
Oh, Francis, I'm glad
you could make it.
98
00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:37,565
Here, this is for Megan.
Oh, what is it?
99
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:40,565
It's a cookie
from lunch period at the home.
100
00:04:40,634 --> 00:04:44,298
Well, I'm sure
she'll love this.
I want to see her eat it.
101
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,365
So the man asks the bartender
to recommend a good drink,
102
00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:49,798
and the bartender says
a grasshopper, so the guy
orders a grasshopper.
103
00:04:49,867 --> 00:04:51,331
Then he's walking home
104
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,431
and along the way
he notices a grasshopper
on the ground.
105
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:56,865
So he says to the grasshopper,
"Hey, you know there's a drink
named after you?"
106
00:04:56,933 --> 00:04:59,632
The grasshopper says,
"You mean, there's a drink
named Irving?"
107
00:05:04,101 --> 00:05:05,998
So, which one of you wants
to lose your virginity?
108
00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:08,366
Mom, this party sucks.
109
00:05:08,434 --> 00:05:12,432
I mean, balloons?
Pin the Tail on the Donkey?
I'm not five years old.
110
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,565
Meg, your father
worked very hard
to put this party together.
111
00:05:15,634 --> 00:05:17,865
And he says he's got
a big surprise for you.
112
00:05:17,934 --> 00:05:21,866
Hey, kids, I'm Pee-Pants,
the inebriated hobo clown.
113
00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:24,499
I'm an adorable tramp
who wears found clothing
114
00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:26,332
and eats
out of your garbage can.
115
00:05:26,401 --> 00:05:29,365
A clown? Dad, I'm 17.
116
00:05:29,433 --> 00:05:32,264
Meg, guess what Pee-Pants
got you for your birthday?
117
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,799
A scarf.
I don't want a scarf, Dad.
118
00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:38,099
Well, then,
how about a dozen scarves?
119
00:05:38,168 --> 00:05:39,599
(SINGING)
120
00:05:41,934 --> 00:05:44,266
(COUGHS)
121
00:05:44,334 --> 00:05:47,799
Peter, I don't think
you're actually supposed
to swallow those.
122
00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:50,132
(COUGHING)
123
00:05:54,134 --> 00:05:55,165
Here you go, Meg.
124
00:05:55,234 --> 00:05:57,665
I don't want them.
Take them.
125
00:05:57,734 --> 00:05:59,865
Hey, are my long johns tied
to the end of those?
126
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:01,498
No.
Oh, God.
127
00:06:01,566 --> 00:06:03,065
(RETCHING)
128
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,965
(GROANING)
129
00:06:12,366 --> 00:06:15,532
Mom, can I just
open my presents now?
All right, Meg.
130
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,565
(PAPER RIPPING)
Thank you. What the...
131
00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:19,465
Hey, let's see
what else we got here.
132
00:06:19,534 --> 00:06:22,965
The first season of
Sister, Sister on DVD.
133
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:24,364
BOY: You're welcome.
134
00:06:24,433 --> 00:06:27,165
Stewie, what are you doing?
You can't open Meg's gifts.
135
00:06:27,234 --> 00:06:30,498
Hey. These are mine.
You hear me? Mine.
136
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:34,432
Oh, God. Not the "mine" phase.
I've been dreading this day.
137
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,066
I'm entitled
to these things, Lois,
138
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:39,998
especially after I got
shafted by that Asian Santa
at the mall.
139
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,632
What do you want
for Christmas?
140
00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:44,498
Um, I was thinking maybe
one of those old-timey...
141
00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:46,766
Too late. Take too long.
Sad Christmas.
142
00:06:46,834 --> 00:06:48,132
What you want?
Fire truck.
143
00:06:48,201 --> 00:06:49,198
What color?
Red.
144
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:50,299
(SCREAMING)
Next.
145
00:06:51,901 --> 00:06:53,665
Peter, have you been drinking?
146
00:06:53,734 --> 00:06:55,265
Well, a little.
It is a party.
147
00:06:55,334 --> 00:06:57,532
Take off
that stupid costume.
148
00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,232
You look like a damn fool.
149
00:06:59,301 --> 00:07:02,832
Oh, Dad, you won't say that
when you see my grand
unicycle finale.
150
00:07:02,901 --> 00:07:04,631
Everyone,
I'll be right back.
151
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:08,299
In the meantime, I leave you
with the musical stylings
of Chris Griffin.
152
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:17,233
♪ I don't know
what we're afraid of
153
00:07:17,301 --> 00:07:23,398
♪ Nothing would change
if we made love
154
00:07:23,467 --> 00:07:28,831
♪ So I'll be your friend
155
00:07:30,201 --> 00:07:35,632
♪ And I'll be your lover ♪
156
00:07:36,235 --> 00:07:37,599
(SIGHS)
157
00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:40,632
All right, this is gonna
blow you guys away.
158
00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:42,498
(SCREAMING)
159
00:07:42,567 --> 00:07:43,965
Grandpa!
Oh, my God.
160
00:07:44,034 --> 00:07:45,999
Is he breathing?
Somebody call an ambulance.
161
00:07:46,068 --> 00:07:49,032
Lois, maybe you better
call two ambulances.
162
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:55,266
How is he, Doctor?
163
00:07:55,335 --> 00:07:58,066
Mrs. Griffin,
his internal injuries
were much too severe.
164
00:07:58,134 --> 00:08:00,531
I'd estimate he'll be dead
within the hour.
165
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,066
Dad, I'm so sorry
I broke all your ribs
and busted your spleen
166
00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:05,531
and punctured your lung.
167
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,231
I don't know
if you can hear me
right now,
168
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:11,698
but I hope you know
I love you, Dad.
169
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:17,866
Peter, come closer.
There's something
I need to say to you.
170
00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:20,032
I'm here, Dad.
What is it?
171
00:08:20,101 --> 00:08:24,365
Peter, you're a fat,
stinking drunk.
172
00:08:24,433 --> 00:08:25,999
(CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING)
173
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:28,931
Oh, my God, he's dead.
He can't be dead.
174
00:08:29,001 --> 00:08:31,065
There's got to be something
I can do.
175
00:08:31,134 --> 00:08:33,098
Maybe I'll bury him
in the pet cemetery.
176
00:08:34,368 --> 00:08:35,799
(BOTH SCREAMING)
177
00:08:37,301 --> 00:08:39,265
Okay, I'll bury him
in a regular cemetery.
178
00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:46,231
I can't believe
Grandpa's dead.
179
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:51,265
Well, he did kind of
treat us like crap,
but, yes, it is a tragedy.
180
00:08:51,334 --> 00:08:52,765
It is a tragedy.
181
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:54,665
Excuse us.
Yeah, we'll be right back.
182
00:08:56,101 --> 00:08:57,598
(INAUDIBLE)
183
00:09:05,734 --> 00:09:07,832
We're all gonna miss him.
Tragic.
184
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,298
You know
what the worst part is?
185
00:09:09,366 --> 00:09:12,231
All I wanted was for my dad
to tell me he loved me.
186
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,032
But instead he called me
"a fat, stinking drunk."
187
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:16,532
Those were his last words.
188
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,299
Well, I hate to side
with your father, Peter,
189
00:09:19,368 --> 00:09:21,465
but you do kind of
drink a lot.
190
00:09:21,533 --> 00:09:25,099
And you know,
sometimes it affects
the people you love.
191
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:27,298
Oh, my God.
Lois, you're right.
192
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:31,132
Booze made me fall down
all those stairs.
Booze killed my father.
193
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:35,932
Well, from this day forward,
I, Peter Griffin,
will never drink again.
194
00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:42,198
Peter, what're you doing?
Crack.
195
00:09:42,266 --> 00:09:45,066
What the fuck?
Hey, at least
I'm not drinking, Brian.
196
00:09:45,134 --> 00:09:48,598
Yeah, this isn't exactly
a good substitute.
Where'd you get crack?
197
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:49,965
From Black's.
What?
198
00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:51,699
Yeah, right behind
Black's hardware store,
199
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:52,999
there's a white guy
selling it.
200
00:09:53,068 --> 00:09:54,999
Look, doing crack is not
the way to stop drinking.
201
00:09:55,068 --> 00:09:59,099
You need to get to the heart
of why you feel the need
to drink in the first place.
202
00:09:59,168 --> 00:10:02,598
Look, here. This is
the number of a hypnotherapist
I want you to see.
203
00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,364
All right, Brian.
Good.
204
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:12,398
Hey, Peter, just thought
I'd check on you. Oh, my God!
205
00:10:12,467 --> 00:10:15,298
Government came
and took my baby.
206
00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:22,131
This is mine and this is mine
and that's mine
and this is mine.
207
00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:23,965
Oh, what's this?
208
00:10:24,034 --> 00:10:27,366
"Hot Monogamy, the board game
for failing marriages."
209
00:10:28,601 --> 00:10:31,099
"Dare Card.
Have her do a striptease
210
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:33,899
"and see how long it takes you
to get a bonner."
211
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:35,732
What's a bonner?
212
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,465
Stewie, what are you doing
with my jewelry box?
213
00:10:38,534 --> 00:10:41,231
Now, you give that back
to Mommy.
No, go to hell.
214
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:45,565
Stewie, I have had just
about enough of this new
selfish attitude of yours.
215
00:10:45,634 --> 00:10:47,565
Now give that back to Mommy.
216
00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:50,398
Very well, then.
If I can't have it,
nobody can.
217
00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:54,765
That is enough.
You, you struck me.
218
00:10:54,834 --> 00:11:00,498
Oh, my God.
Stewie, honey, I am so sorry.
Are you okay, sweetie?
219
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:04,431
(CRYING)
220
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:08,599
Oh, honey, I'm sorry,
Mommy would never hurt you.
221
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,165
Let me give you a hug.
222
00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:11,999
(CONTINUES CRYING)
223
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:17,198
I haven't been this scared
since Mother Teresa
OD'd in my car.
224
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:18,799
She is messed up, man.
225
00:11:18,867 --> 00:11:21,799
Shut up. Just shut up.
Let me fucking think.
226
00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:23,665
Push her out.
We can't leave her alone.
227
00:11:23,734 --> 00:11:24,899
Push the bitch out.
228
00:11:29,434 --> 00:11:33,099
Okay, for starters,
why don't you just lay back
and relax?
229
00:11:33,167 --> 00:11:38,132
Loosen up them trousers.
Now, feel the air
between them toes.
230
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,364
Feel a gentle wind blowing
the hair on them legs.
231
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:43,932
Breezing up on through
the rest of your body,
232
00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:47,498
through your private areas,
through your anus.
233
00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:50,765
Now let's go back in your mind
to your childhood,
234
00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:53,231
to some of
your deepest memories,
235
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,899
maybe some
that aren't so happy.
236
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:58,298
You know, the anus has
the second-highest density
237
00:11:58,366 --> 00:11:59,999
of nerve endings in the body.
238
00:12:01,266 --> 00:12:03,099
You remembering anything?
239
00:12:03,168 --> 00:12:05,066
Like maybe being
the best at jump rope
240
00:12:05,135 --> 00:12:08,766
and not being allowed
to win the ribbon
just because you was a boy?
241
00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:12,598
Or being told everything
you made in pottery class
was inappropriate?
242
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,665
Yeah, I'm getting something.
243
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:19,465
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
I'm not your father.
244
00:12:19,534 --> 00:12:24,066
Oh, my God. Francis Griffin
wasn't my real father.
245
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,232
I wonder what else
I've repressed?
246
00:12:26,301 --> 00:12:29,232
Oh, my God.
I could've had a V8.
247
00:12:32,434 --> 00:12:34,865
It was horrible, Rupert.
It was like a nightmare.
248
00:12:34,934 --> 00:12:39,231
Lois came at me
like a wild animal.
I had no way to defend myself.
249
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,032
Mother, I'm sorry
I went against your wishes.
250
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:44,565
(GROWLING)
251
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:47,699
I'm sorry
I misbehaved, Mother.
I'm sorry I misbehaved.
252
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,132
It won't happen again.
253
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,198
I love you,
Mommy dearest.
254
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,399
(GROANS)
255
00:12:53,467 --> 00:12:54,899
(GROWLING)
256
00:12:57,233 --> 00:12:58,866
It was awful, Rupert.
257
00:12:58,934 --> 00:13:04,898
I felt terrified
and brutalized and humiliated
and, and, and alive.
258
00:13:04,967 --> 00:13:08,231
My God, I haven't felt
that alive in years.
259
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:12,565
Rupert, you know,
I think perhaps I may be
one of those people
260
00:13:12,633 --> 00:13:14,599
who gets a jolly
out of being hit.
261
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:19,465
Stewie, there you are.
Mommy is so sorry she hit you.
262
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:22,132
I promise I will never
lay a hand on you again.
263
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:25,132
Well, let's not
make any rash decisions.
I mean, I did provoke you.
264
00:13:25,201 --> 00:13:28,499
Come on, Lois, hit me.
Beat the crap out of me,
step on my cubes.
265
00:13:31,301 --> 00:13:32,965
(DOORBELL RINGING)
266
00:13:34,967 --> 00:13:38,432
Oh, hi, Peter. Are you here
to bring back the TV set?
267
00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:41,631
No, I sold it for crack.
But listen, Mom,
I got to ask you something.
268
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:44,266
Who's my real father?
269
00:13:44,335 --> 00:13:48,399
I knew this day would come.
All right, Peter, here it is.
270
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:51,731
About 40 years ago,
I was vacationing in Ireland
271
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,965
and I met a young rogue
named Mickey McFinnegan.
272
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:58,432
Peter,
Mickey is your real father.
273
00:13:58,501 --> 00:14:01,165
Oh, my God. I got to find him.
274
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:04,898
To Ireland.
275
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,364
Sweetheart,
when will you be back?
276
00:14:12,433 --> 00:14:13,699
I don't know, Lois,
277
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:16,231
all I know is somewhere
in the great land of Ireland
278
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:19,066
is a big, fat bastard
who looks like me.
279
00:14:19,134 --> 00:14:20,899
Call me as soon
as you can, Peter.
280
00:14:20,967 --> 00:14:23,099
And I really hope
you find your real father.
281
00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:27,599
We're gonna miss you, Dad.
Come back soon, Daddy.
I love you.
282
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,999
That'll do, pig, that'll do.
283
00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,899
There she is, Rupert.
Oh, if I can just get her
to hit me one more time,
284
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:38,165
it'll give me the rush
I've been looking for.
285
00:14:38,233 --> 00:14:39,332
(EXCLAIMS)
286
00:14:39,401 --> 00:14:40,499
(LAUGHS)
287
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:42,165
Oh, what's next? What's next?
What's next?
288
00:14:42,234 --> 00:14:43,765
Oh, God. I've been
so bloody naughty.
289
00:14:43,834 --> 00:14:46,065
Oh, I need to be
taught a lesson
and you're the one to do it.
290
00:14:46,134 --> 00:14:47,899
(EXCLAIMS)
291
00:14:47,968 --> 00:14:52,431
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
292
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:56,365
Yeah, all that stuff,
let's make that happen.
293
00:14:56,434 --> 00:14:59,565
Oh, hi, sweetie,
you want some juice?
Oh, that would be lovely.
294
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,032
Oh, Stewie.
Yeah.
295
00:15:04,101 --> 00:15:05,532
Look at the mess you made.
296
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:08,032
Oh, I've made a terrible mess,
haven't I?
297
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:10,631
Yes, I've made you
take time out of your day
to clean up my mess
298
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:12,364
and I should be punished
for it. Go.
299
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:15,565
Well, I guess
it's not that big a deal.
Accidents happen.
300
00:15:15,634 --> 00:15:18,932
Oh, I don't know.
Don't you think you should
spank me or slice my nostril?
301
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:22,366
It's all right, Stewie,
now go play.
Oh, all right.
302
00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:28,865
Look, I've drawn
heavyweight pugilist David Tua
on the wall. Punish me.
303
00:15:28,934 --> 00:15:32,798
Sweetie, you really gotta...
Looks like David Tua.
304
00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,565
You've really
got to stop misbehaving.
305
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,965
You're getting
on Mommy's nerves.
306
00:15:36,034 --> 00:15:37,532
Well, you know
what will ease your stress?
307
00:15:37,601 --> 00:15:39,632
Slap me
across the face like a bitch.
308
00:15:39,701 --> 00:15:42,065
It's all right.
I'll get some Windex.
309
00:15:42,134 --> 00:15:43,465
Come on. Discipline me.
310
00:15:43,534 --> 00:15:45,832
Make me wear panties,
rub dirt in my eye,
311
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:49,531
violate me with a wine bottle.
My God. I really do
have problems, don't I?
312
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,932
PILOT: Welcome to Ireland.
We'll be landing
in five minutes.
313
00:15:56,001 --> 00:15:57,498
This is
quite a country, Brian.
314
00:15:57,567 --> 00:16:00,264
You know,
Ireland has more drunks
per capita than people.
315
00:16:00,333 --> 00:16:01,598
Oh, that's
a negative stereotype.
316
00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:04,399
I don't think the Irish drink
as much as people say they do.
317
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:18,232
Excuse me,
is this McSwiggen Village?
318
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,965
Devil a man who'll say a word
against it, hmm?
319
00:16:21,034 --> 00:16:22,865
Is that a yes or a no?
320
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:26,599
Aye, it is McSwiggen Village,
where the hills are green,
the streams are clear
321
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:30,099
and the sweaters are so thick,
even the boniest-fingered nun
322
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,331
could poke you in the chest
and it wouldn't
bother you none.
323
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,099
Don't be so bold
with your dark hair
and your proud ways.
324
00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:37,565
I can't feel a thing.
325
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:38,965
Hey, what are
those guys doing?
326
00:16:39,034 --> 00:16:41,099
Those are
the McMurphy brothers.
327
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,032
They've been circling
that same spot for 50 years,
328
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,965
just daring each other
to throw the first punch.
329
00:16:47,034 --> 00:16:49,098
Just you try it.
Oh, I'll try it.
330
00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:51,131
Just you try it.
You'll feel it when I try it.
331
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,966
I'd like to see you
have at it.
Would you now?
332
00:17:00,834 --> 00:17:03,565
Hey, you heard of a man
named Mickey McFinnegan?
333
00:17:03,634 --> 00:17:05,799
Have I heard of him?
Of course I've heard of him.
334
00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:07,132
He's the town drunk.
335
00:17:07,201 --> 00:17:09,165
Town drunk? Oh, my God.
336
00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:11,032
You mean, he's the disgrace
of the whole town?
337
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,399
You lads aren't
from around here, are you?
338
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:18,565
Top of the morning, laddies.
Let me cut you an Irish rose.
339
00:17:18,633 --> 00:17:19,731
(FARTS)
340
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:24,332
I don't know exactly
where the County Cork is,
341
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,731
but I know where it should be.
342
00:17:29,534 --> 00:17:33,565
Around here the town drunk
is a person of great honor.
343
00:17:33,634 --> 00:17:35,831
Excuse me, sir.
My name is Peter.
344
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:37,765
Pleased to meet you, lad.
Name's Mickey.
345
00:17:37,833 --> 00:17:42,631
Listen, this may be hard
for you to believe,
but you're my father.
346
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:44,331
Oh, am I now?
347
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,865
Yeah, I came all the way
from America to find you.
348
00:17:46,934 --> 00:17:50,732
I suppose it's money
you're wanting. I owe you
some allowance and so forth.
349
00:17:53,968 --> 00:17:57,665
Oh, no, I don't want money,
I just want to get to know you
and be friends.
350
00:17:57,733 --> 00:18:01,032
So I can finally
have a real dad
who loves and respects me.
351
00:18:01,101 --> 00:18:04,265
You can't be me son,
you and me are nothing alike.
352
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,998
Just ask me sheep, O'Brian.
353
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:08,898
Whose leg do you have to hump
to get a pint of Guinness
around here?
354
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,698
Boy, it's amazing, isn't it?
You get two fathers,
355
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,698
and neither one of them wants
anything to do with you.
356
00:18:15,767 --> 00:18:16,966
There's got to be
some way
357
00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:19,899
I can make him see
that I'm worthy
of being his son.
358
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:24,099
About the only way I could
ever impress him is
if I was a fat stinking drunk.
359
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:27,799
FRANCIS: Peter, you're a fat,
stinking drunk.
360
00:18:27,868 --> 00:18:31,165
What?
You're a fat, stinking drunk.
361
00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:33,398
Yes, from what he's told us
that's right on the money.
362
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:34,798
Challenge him, you must.
363
00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:36,699
And I'm Hayden Christensen.
364
00:18:36,768 --> 00:18:40,498
Wait a minute, Brian.
That's it.
I'm a fat, stinking drunk
365
00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:44,732
because my father
is a fat, stinking drunk.
And I got to prove it to him.
366
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,832
I have gotta drink him
so far under the table,
367
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:48,999
he'll have no choice
but to respect me.
368
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:50,599
Get me a beer, Brian.
369
00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:51,965
I am gonna
prepare for this
370
00:18:52,034 --> 00:18:54,799
as thoroughly as Ben Affleck
prepares for a role.
371
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:58,531
I got to be Henry VIII
in 20 minutes.
372
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,665
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Got it.
373
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:08,665
Mickey McFinnegan,
I challenge you
to a drinking contest.
374
00:19:08,734 --> 00:19:10,198
(ALL GASPING)
375
00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:13,199
And what makes you think
you can hold your own
with the likes of me?
376
00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:15,932
Because I'm your son
and I'm tough.
377
00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:18,431
I made it halfway through
Failure to Launch.
378
00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:22,699
I just never managed
to get my life together,
isn't that hilarious?
379
00:19:24,101 --> 00:19:25,565
You're cute.
380
00:19:25,633 --> 00:19:26,731
Done.
381
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,098
As we say in Ireland,
382
00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:34,165
let's drink until the alcohol
in our system destroys
our livers and kills us.
383
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,598
I got 20 on the fat one.
384
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:41,265
Which one's the fat one?
Which one's the fat one?
385
00:19:41,334 --> 00:19:43,198
(BOTH LAUGHING)
386
00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:47,098
(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)
387
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,232
(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)
388
00:20:28,234 --> 00:20:30,066
(SHUDDERING)
389
00:20:30,134 --> 00:20:32,231
What happened?
Peter, you won.
390
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:35,832
My God. Nobody's ever beat me
at the game of drink.
391
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,932
Now do you believe
that you're my dad?
392
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,266
Nobody but a McFinnegan
could handle that much
of the creature.
393
00:20:41,334 --> 00:20:44,233
You're the broth of me own
stubby shillelagh, all right.
394
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:45,732
Welcome to me family, Peter.
395
00:20:45,801 --> 00:20:48,298
Did you hear that, Brian?
I'm a McFinnegan now.
396
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:50,132
I can forget
all about Francis.
397
00:20:50,201 --> 00:20:52,432
You know,
there's something you should
always remember, Peter.
398
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:56,699
Francis may not have been
your father, but he raised you
as if you were his own.
399
00:20:56,767 --> 00:20:59,565
And if that isn't love,
I don't know what is.
400
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:02,965
Wow. I guess you're right,
but there is one thing,
Mickey.
401
00:21:03,034 --> 00:21:05,266
You knocked up my mom
and never called her again.
402
00:21:05,334 --> 00:21:08,398
Yeah, so what?
So what? So let's dance.
403
00:21:08,466 --> 00:21:10,765
♪ Oh, he doesn't
smell like Irish Spring
404
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,399
♪ And he never
taught me anything
405
00:21:12,467 --> 00:21:15,965
♪ But still I slap my chest
and sing
of my drunken Irish dad
406
00:21:16,034 --> 00:21:17,998
♪ Oh, his face looks
like a railroad map
407
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:19,699
♪ And he never
shuts his freakin' trap
408
00:21:19,767 --> 00:21:23,166
♪ But all the ladies
catch the clap from
your drunken Irish dad
409
00:21:23,234 --> 00:21:26,032
♪ Ask a Hennessy, Tennessy,
Morrison, Shaughnessy,
Riordan and Rooney
410
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,231
♪ They'll tell you the same
411
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,032
♪ McNulty, Mulroney
and Cotter and Clooney
412
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:30,832
♪ All feel the same mixture
of pride and of shame
413
00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:32,565
♪ Finnegan, Hannigan,
Kelly and Flannigan
414
00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:34,465
♪ Look to the ground
when their dad passes by
415
00:21:34,533 --> 00:21:36,133
♪ Cafferty, Rafferty,
Joyce and O'Lafferty
416
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:40,699
♪ Fight for his honor
and then start to cry
417
00:21:56,601 --> 00:21:58,531
♪ Oh, we Irish lads
are all infirm
418
00:21:58,601 --> 00:22:00,332
♪ And our moods
infect us like a germ
419
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,299
♪ 'Cause we're all the spawn
of a pickled sperm
420
00:22:04,367 --> 00:22:05,965
And we don't
tan well, either.
421
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:08,165
♪ From a drunken Irish dad ♪