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00:00:02,968 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,232
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,301 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:38,332
Peter, you sure you're
allowed to bring a baby
onto the golf course?
11
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,698
Well, Lois asked me to watch
Stewie for the afternoon.
12
00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:42,464
It's all right.
I don't think
the club will mind.
13
00:00:42,533 --> 00:00:44,065
It's Cleveland
I'm worried about.
14
00:00:44,134 --> 00:00:48,166
Peter,
is this really necessary?
I can't hardly see anything.
15
00:00:48,235 --> 00:00:50,066
Hey, look.
It's President Nixon.
16
00:00:50,135 --> 00:00:53,298
No, wait, it's a black guy.
No, it's Nixon.
17
00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:54,631
Oh, boy. That was close.
18
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:57,832
Ugh! Will you please hurry up?
It's 100 degrees out here.
19
00:00:57,901 --> 00:01:00,598
You're a worse parent
than Britney Spears.
20
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:03,365
I know, I know.
21
00:01:03,433 --> 00:01:07,066
Oh, the gift basket was
not worth the trip,
not by a long shot.
22
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:10,198
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, I got to get that.
I'll talk to you later.
23
00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:11,766
(THUD)
24
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,199
Hey, Joe.
Don't say it, Peter.
25
00:01:16,268 --> 00:01:17,531
I was just wondering...
26
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,365
Peter, I swear to God.
27
00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:20,932
What's your handicap?
28
00:01:21,001 --> 00:01:22,465
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
29
00:01:22,533 --> 00:01:25,965
Oh! Every hole!
That's a joke that
just doesn't get old!
30
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,132
God damn it! Come on, come on!
Shit, shit, shit!
31
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,465
Come on, Glenn, come on!
Get your head
in the goddamn game!
32
00:01:35,534 --> 00:01:36,998
(SCREAMS)
33
00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:39,699
Hey, do you think
it's time to talk
to Quagmire
34
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,832
about his anger issues
with this game?
35
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,999
A white man shouldn't
play sports
in the first place.
36
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,333
Hey, hey, hey!
That's a stroke!
37
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,464
I just tapped my ball,
Quagmire. Relax.
38
00:01:50,533 --> 00:01:53,366
Oh, relax?
Oh, okay. Oh, look,
I just tapped my ball.
39
00:01:53,434 --> 00:01:55,665
Oh! Just tapped it again!
Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.
40
00:01:55,734 --> 00:02:00,432
Oh, where is it?
Oh, it's in the hole.
Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
41
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,898
Hey, Quagmire.
You know it's not fun
when you're like this.
42
00:02:02,967 --> 00:02:05,365
You want fun, go home
and buy a monkey!
43
00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:06,798
What does
that even mean?
44
00:02:06,867 --> 00:02:09,432
I don't know. Boy, we got
a beautiful day for this.
45
00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:15,765
Hi, Mr. Herbert.
Here's your paper.
46
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:20,965
Oh. Sorry, Chris, but I'm
afraid I'm gonna have to
cancel my subscription.
47
00:02:21,034 --> 00:02:23,098
Cancel?
But you love this paper.
48
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,632
Listen, I think
you're a real nice guy,
49
00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:28,765
but I've just decided to
go with another paper.
50
00:02:28,834 --> 00:02:33,732
Hello there, Kyle. You look
nice today. I see you're
wearing your big shorts
51
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:38,565
with the baggy leg holes
that flutter so carelessly
in the breeze.
52
00:02:38,633 --> 00:02:41,832
Here's your paper.
What are you doing here?
Beat it, nerd!
53
00:02:41,901 --> 00:02:46,565
Thank you. Would you like to
come inside for a cupcake
and a glass of wine?
54
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,265
Shut up, old man.
55
00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:52,098
What's going on in my pants?
56
00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:55,032
Looks like we got
six more weeks of winter.
57
00:02:59,001 --> 00:03:02,198
MAN ON TV: We now return to
Cutting in Line
in Front of Italians.
58
00:03:03,533 --> 00:03:05,264
(ALL CLAMORING)
59
00:03:06,433 --> 00:03:08,298
Whoa!
Whoa!
60
00:03:08,366 --> 00:03:11,164
Copernicus, why don't you
navigate yourself
to the back of the line
61
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,498
with your feet and stand there
with your shirt?
62
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:15,565
Hey, Peter,
how was your golf game?
63
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:18,832
Well, Lois, you tied
my golf shoes a little tight
before I left the house.
64
00:03:18,901 --> 00:03:20,598
Had to deal with that all day.
Thank you very much.
65
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,431
Oh, my God.
Look at Stewie!
66
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,598
Peter, you took him out
without any sunscreen?
67
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:25,866
Maybe.
68
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:28,465
You know the sun is dangerous
for a baby's skin.
69
00:03:28,534 --> 00:03:29,966
Peter,
this is more irresponsible
70
00:03:30,034 --> 00:03:32,532
than when you fed
your mogwai after midnight.
71
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,898
Peter, didn't the little
Chinese man tell you not to
feed him after midnight?
72
00:03:35,967 --> 00:03:40,398
Oh, come on, Lois.
He's so cute and he's hungry.
What could happen?
73
00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:46,099
Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
74
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,532
(LAUGHING)
75
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,599
(BOTH SCREAMING)
76
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,332
Kill it, kill it!
77
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,699
What the deuce are
you all staring at? Is there
something wrong with me?
78
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,665
(GASPS)
79
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:02,099
Wow! Look at me.
I'm a young Eartha Kitt.
80
00:04:02,168 --> 00:04:03,766
(SNARLS)
81
00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:07,665
"President Johnson,
bring our boys home
from Southeast Asia.
82
00:04:07,734 --> 00:04:09,965
"It's an unwinnable war."
83
00:04:10,034 --> 00:04:11,199
My God, look at you.
84
00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:12,932
Oh, look at my complexion,
Brian.
85
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:17,132
I am hot. I'll be getting
more sex than that
Wisconsin nymphomaniac
86
00:04:17,201 --> 00:04:18,732
who used to live upstairs.
87
00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,565
WOMAN: Oh, God! Oh, God!
88
00:04:20,634 --> 00:04:24,832
Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
89
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:27,832
Crap! Crap! Crap!
90
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,065
(WOMAN MOANS)
91
00:04:30,667 --> 00:04:32,332
Oh, crap.
92
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:39,132
Dad, I was wondering
if I could borrow $17.
93
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,198
Chris, what do you need
money for? Isn't that
why you have a paper route?
94
00:04:42,266 --> 00:04:46,365
No, this new kid named Kyle
keeps stealing
all my customers.
95
00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:49,765
Oh, that's terrible.
You're a wonderful paper boy,
Chris,
96
00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:52,132
and you need to remind
your customers of that.
97
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,665
She's right. You gotta
stand up for yourself
like my great-grandfather
98
00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:58,565
Turn-of-the-Century
Take-on-All-Comers Griffin.
99
00:04:58,633 --> 00:05:01,599
All right. Put 'em up.
Put 'em up. Are you
having a bully day?
100
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:04,298
I'm having a bully day.
Is everyone having
a bully day?
101
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:05,632
Bully.
Bully.
102
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:08,665
Yes, bully.
Oh, thank God
we live in this time.
103
00:05:12,968 --> 00:05:14,365
Stewie, what are you doing?
104
00:05:14,433 --> 00:05:16,465
Just getting my bronze on,
baby.
105
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:19,866
Hey, what do you think
of my recumbent tan pose?
106
00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:23,531
Legs probably spread
a little wider than they ought
to be, but who gives a damn.
107
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,632
This is just Tanned Stewie
being Tanned Stewie.
Check me out, Brian.
108
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:29,065
(FIZZ)
109
00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,965
(DOORBELL RINGS)
110
00:05:37,034 --> 00:05:39,532
Hey, Mr. Herbert.
I want you back.
111
00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:42,098
Please, will you be
my paper-customer again?
112
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:45,999
Oh, hey, Chris.
Oh, is that my phone?
113
00:05:46,067 --> 00:05:47,699
(HUMMING RING TONE MELODY)
114
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:51,532
Oh, better go get that.
115
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,532
Well, if it isn't
King Lard Ass.
116
00:05:53,601 --> 00:05:55,332
Hey, don't call me names,
Kyle.
117
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,065
Hi, Kyle.
118
00:05:57,534 --> 00:05:59,966
Mmm.
119
00:06:00,034 --> 00:06:03,698
Well, listen. It was
wrong of you to steal
my customer away from me.
120
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:05,232
And I want him back.
121
00:06:05,301 --> 00:06:06,698
Oh, yeah?
122
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:07,999
(BOYS LAUGHING)
123
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,232
Look,
Griffin got his ass kicked.
124
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:11,465
(LAUGHS) What a loser!
125
00:06:11,534 --> 00:06:13,432
(CHUCKLES)
I have that shirt at home.
126
00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:15,198
(GROANS) You...
127
00:06:15,267 --> 00:06:16,898
You pushed me.
128
00:06:16,967 --> 00:06:21,899
Boys, boys. We can
settle this like reasonable
and sexy teenagers.
129
00:06:21,968 --> 00:06:25,832
Whoever can swallow
the most Tylenol PM wins.
130
00:06:33,633 --> 00:06:35,665
Oh, my God.
Chris, what happened?
131
00:06:35,734 --> 00:06:37,198
Kyle beat me up.
132
00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:39,098
You let that little punk
beat you up?
133
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:40,899
Peter, you should be
more sympathetic.
134
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,398
Remember, you had a bully too
when you were his age.
135
00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:47,364
Yeah, you're right.
Randy Fulcher used to pants me
every chance he got.
136
00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:51,065
My book report is
on the giving tree.
137
00:06:51,667 --> 00:06:52,798
Nerd!
138
00:06:52,867 --> 00:06:54,331
(ALL LAUGHING)
139
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,765
Randy!
140
00:06:57,201 --> 00:06:58,432
Nerd!
141
00:06:58,501 --> 00:06:59,866
(ALL LAUGHING)
142
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:01,366
Randy!
143
00:07:04,266 --> 00:07:05,298
Nerd!
144
00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,166
Randy!
145
00:07:07,233 --> 00:07:10,398
Peter, I think one of us
should go over and have
a talk with Kyle's parents.
146
00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:11,565
I'll do it, Lois.
147
00:07:11,633 --> 00:07:14,132
Right after a healthy
breakfast of juice, toast,
148
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:18,299
and store-brand imitation
Frosted Flakes featuring
Terry, the Tiger.
149
00:07:18,368 --> 00:07:20,098
They're food!
150
00:07:23,633 --> 00:07:27,398
Hey, ladies.
You mind if I park here?
I'll only be a few minutes.
151
00:07:27,467 --> 00:07:28,965
Stewie,
what is that on your lip?
152
00:07:29,034 --> 00:07:30,632
I drew a pencil moustache.
153
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,732
I like it 'cause it's just
above my lip. The kind
of moustache that says,
154
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,532
"Yeah, I've been nude
on camera. What of it?"
155
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,499
Come here.
I'll take care of that,
sweetie.
156
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,365
It's got spit all over it.
157
00:07:40,433 --> 00:07:43,665
Now I know what it feels like
to have dinner
with Martin Landau.
158
00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:48,865
What people forget about
Polanski is, Polanski
wasn't the perfectionist.
159
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:53,265
And pedophile or not,
he was a perfectly
professional person,
160
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:54,499
and punctual.
161
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:57,265
Yeah. Maybe we could
talk about something else.
162
00:07:57,334 --> 00:08:01,598
You know, my wife and I
are very involved
in Planned Parenthood
163
00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:06,164
which provides possibilities
for people who are
underprivileged.
164
00:08:06,233 --> 00:08:08,298
Maybe chew your food
a little, champ.
165
00:08:11,467 --> 00:08:12,699
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
166
00:08:15,867 --> 00:08:17,165
Who are all these people?
167
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:19,899
Oh, just a few friends
over to enjoy this
gorgeous weather.
168
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:21,399
Maybe take a dip in the pool.
169
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:24,465
Hey, Devon, Devon, come here.
Brian, this is Devon.
170
00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,333
Devon just finished
directing a movie.
171
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:30,932
Yeah, it stars a little
actress named Joan Van Ark.
Maybe you've heard her.
172
00:08:31,968 --> 00:08:33,166
Right, possibly.
173
00:08:33,234 --> 00:08:34,998
You're talking
out of your ass.
174
00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:39,398
It doesn't matter, Brian.
I'm tan. Hey, Brian, Brian.
Look at my tan walk.
175
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:41,899
(SIGHS)
176
00:08:41,968 --> 00:08:43,166
Devon, do you have
a cigarette?
177
00:08:43,234 --> 00:08:45,366
Sure. And here's a copy
of my last movie.
178
00:08:45,435 --> 00:08:47,032
It's essentially
Brokeback Mountain
179
00:08:47,101 --> 00:08:49,899
from the point of view
of the horses.
180
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:52,032
Hey, the sun's been up
for an hour.
Shouldn't we get riding?
181
00:08:52,101 --> 00:08:53,265
Are they still sleeping?
182
00:08:53,334 --> 00:08:54,699
I don't know. I'll check.
183
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:56,865
(SCREAMS)
184
00:08:56,934 --> 00:08:59,565
What? What? What is it?
Oh, God! Oh, my God!
185
00:08:59,634 --> 00:09:02,099
What?
Oh, my God! Run!
186
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,832
(DOORBELL RINGS)
187
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,665
Hey, there.
Are you Kyle's parents?
188
00:09:07,734 --> 00:09:08,965
Yes. Can we help you?
189
00:09:09,034 --> 00:09:10,631
Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin.
190
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:13,865
Listen,
apparently your son got into
a little scrape with my kid.
191
00:09:13,934 --> 00:09:15,866
Oh, dear.
They're not getting along?
192
00:09:15,934 --> 00:09:17,632
Like an old guy and a midget.
193
00:09:19,534 --> 00:09:21,832
Sir, will you please
stop staring at me?
194
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:23,365
Where's the rest of you?
195
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,632
So listen,
Chris is pretty upset
about what happened.
196
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:27,532
Would you mind
if I had a word with your son?
197
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,166
Not at all.
He's up in his room.
198
00:09:30,234 --> 00:09:33,366
Hey, there, Kyle. Hey,
I'm Chris Griffin's father.
199
00:09:33,434 --> 00:09:35,099
(IMITATING) "Hey,
I'm Chris Griffin's father."
200
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:37,965
Now that's not very nice.
I don't sound like that
at all.
201
00:09:38,034 --> 00:09:40,165
You're making me sound
like Michael Stipe.
202
00:09:40,234 --> 00:09:43,165
Listen, I just want you to
know what you did
the other day was wrong.
203
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,799
(IMITATING)
"What you did the other day
was wrong."
204
00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:46,166
You're not making this easy,
Kyle.
205
00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:47,732
"You're not making this easy,
Kyle.
206
00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:51,298
"My name's Peter Griffin.
I'm a big, fat,
dumb butt-face."
207
00:09:51,366 --> 00:09:52,699
Shut up, Kyle.
208
00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:55,231
"I'm Peter Griffin.
I'm a dorky,
fat, numb-nuts."
209
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,531
Kyle, I said shut up.
210
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,899
You're a poop-nose.
211
00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:00,264
(SCREAMING)
212
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:09,699
(GROANING)
213
00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,132
Hey, Peter.
Hey, what's going on?
214
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:26,065
Is something wrong?
(STAMMERING) No, no.
Everything's cool right now.
215
00:10:26,134 --> 00:10:29,865
Might be some problems later,
but we'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
216
00:10:29,934 --> 00:10:31,165
(PHONE RINGING)
217
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:34,399
LOIS: Hello. Peter did what?
218
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,565
Well, I'd best be
getting to work.
219
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:39,965
It's nighttime.
Boy, you said it.
All right, take it easy.
220
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:44,631
Peter, you get down
from that tree this instant.
221
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,365
PETER: No,
you're going to yell at me!
222
00:10:46,434 --> 00:10:50,498
You're damn right,
I'm going to yell at you.
You beat up a 13-year-old boy!
223
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,831
He called me names.
224
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:54,965
You're 43
and you just assaulted
our neighbor's child.
225
00:10:55,034 --> 00:10:57,131
This is
a very serious situation.
226
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,631
Well, maybe you should've just
had an abortion, Lois.
227
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,032
Would that make you happy
if I was never born?
228
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:04,399
What?
I'm going to prison, aren't I?
229
00:11:09,267 --> 00:11:11,431
What are you doing?
Got to keep the tan up.
230
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:14,065
It's not a skin color.
It's a lifestyle, Brian.
231
00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:16,798
See, you wouldn't
know that because
you're white as a ghost.
232
00:11:16,867 --> 00:11:19,865
You're haunting this house
with your whiteness, Brian.
233
00:11:19,933 --> 00:11:22,265
Hey, wake me up in 15,
will you, babe?
Fine.
234
00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:25,898
(KOKOMO PLAYING)
235
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:31,431
STEWIE: ♪ Key Largo, Montego
Baby, why don't we go down
to Kokomo
236
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:35,765
♪ But not too fast
'Cause Stewie takes it slow ♪
237
00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:39,699
(SNORING)
238
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,465
Oh, crap. Stewie!
239
00:11:44,901 --> 00:11:45,899
(STEAM HISSING)
240
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:49,098
(GROANING)
241
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,398
(SCREAMING)
242
00:11:56,467 --> 00:12:00,032
Hey, buddy. I was
just coming to tell you
it's time to get out.
243
00:12:00,101 --> 00:12:02,099
I've been in there
for six-and-a-half hours,
244
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:04,065
you son of a bitch!
Don't touch me!
245
00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:06,831
Well, how...
Can you get up?
I'll try.
246
00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:09,598
(GRUNTING)
247
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,332
(GROANING)
248
00:12:16,534 --> 00:12:20,665
I can't do it. I can't do it.
Get the lotion.
Put the lotion on me.
249
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:25,598
Brian?
Hi, Mr. Furley.
250
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:26,865
This isn't what it looks like.
251
00:12:26,934 --> 00:12:29,332
Never mind.
I'll come back later.
252
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:36,164
Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's
mother agreed not to press
charges if you apologize.
253
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,199
Hello, Lois.
Hello, Claire.
254
00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:41,865
We just came by because
there's something Peter
would like to say to Kyle.
255
00:12:42,701 --> 00:12:44,199
Go on.
Sorry.
256
00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:46,931
Say it right, Peter.
Oh, oh! Sorry.
257
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,298
Thank you, Peter.
Now what do you say, Kyle?
258
00:12:49,366 --> 00:12:50,832
Apology accepted.
Good.
259
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:52,966
Now why don't you
patch things up
with Mr. Griffin
260
00:12:53,034 --> 00:12:55,098
by showing him
your LEGOs, hmm?
261
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:59,032
You got LEGOs? Sweet.
Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
262
00:12:59,101 --> 00:13:00,498
They're the same thing, Peter.
263
00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:02,798
You know what, Lois?
They're not the same thing
264
00:13:02,867 --> 00:13:04,765
and the sooner you get that
through your thick skull,
265
00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:07,365
the sooner we can get
this marriage back on track.
266
00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:11,565
Hey, listen.
Sorry about beating you up.
I felt pretty bad about it.
267
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:14,832
Hey, this look like
a spaceship to you?
Sorta.
268
00:13:14,901 --> 00:13:16,865
Well, I never was very good
at building things.
269
00:13:16,934 --> 00:13:19,765
Like that time I built
that handmade electric razor.
270
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:23,066
By gluing many razor blades
to this ordinary desk fan,
271
00:13:23,134 --> 00:13:25,299
I'll save time
in my morning routine.
272
00:13:27,234 --> 00:13:28,765
(PETER SCREAMS)
273
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:31,298
PETER:
Lois, I've done it again!
274
00:13:36,201 --> 00:13:39,265
You don't have to apologize.
I would've done
the same thing.
275
00:13:39,334 --> 00:13:41,832
I mean, bullying makes you
feel pretty cool.
276
00:13:41,901 --> 00:13:44,132
Yeah. I guess
it was kind of cool.
277
00:13:44,201 --> 00:13:46,599
You know, I always used to be
the nerd getting bullied,
278
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,631
but doing it to someone else
was pretty sweet.
279
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:51,399
And the more you do it,
the sweeter it gets.
280
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,099
(SCREAMS)
281
00:13:58,167 --> 00:13:59,165
Cook much?
282
00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:00,264
(LAUGHING)
283
00:14:00,333 --> 00:14:01,965
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
284
00:14:02,034 --> 00:14:04,465
What's wrong with me?
You're the one
punching yourself in the face.
285
00:14:04,534 --> 00:14:06,032
Peter, stop it.
286
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,465
Hey, Lois, how come
you keep punching yourself
in the face?
287
00:14:07,534 --> 00:14:10,198
Peter, knock it off!
You're gonna hurt yourself.
288
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,432
You're getting her good.
289
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:12,998
Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn.
290
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:14,965
You horse's ass!
291
00:14:21,901 --> 00:14:22,965
Ew!
292
00:14:23,034 --> 00:14:24,832
Hey, Brian.
You want some Stewie jerky?
293
00:14:24,901 --> 00:14:26,766
Oh, God, that is disgusting.
294
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:30,531
I'm finally starting to peel.
I'm telling you, Brian,
my tanning days are over.
295
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,832
I'm just glad
I stopped before I did
any real damage to my skin.
296
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:37,432
I wouldn't be so sure.
I don't remember you
having that mole before.
297
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:40,365
What the devil!
Where did that come from?
Brian, what is that?
298
00:14:40,433 --> 00:14:43,066
I don't know. Of course,
your sunburn was pretty bad.
299
00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:45,999
I suppose it could be
the C word.
300
00:14:46,068 --> 00:14:47,866
What the hell does that
have to do with anything?
301
00:14:47,934 --> 00:14:48,932
No. Cancer.
302
00:14:49,001 --> 00:14:51,498
Oh... Okay,
I thought you meant...
303
00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:54,799
It's not important.
Oh, no. Cancer.
304
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,499
Well, the mole looks benign,
but we won't know for sure
305
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:05,465
whether it's cancerous
until the tests come back
in a few days.
306
00:15:05,533 --> 00:15:07,832
A few days?
I could be dead by then.
307
00:15:07,901 --> 00:15:11,066
Relax, Stewie. He said
it looks benign. We'll just
have to wait and see.
308
00:15:11,134 --> 00:15:14,665
Jim Henson
had a "wait and see" attitude
and look what happened to him.
309
00:15:14,734 --> 00:15:16,999
Now we've got
wrong-sounding Muppets.
310
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:18,198
Hey, Swedish Chef.
311
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:19,932
Oh, hey, Kermit,
what's going on?
312
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,731
I'm hungry.
Oh, that's no problem.
313
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,065
I could cook you something.
You want some spaghetti?
314
00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:26,231
That's like my specialty
in junk.
315
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:28,532
Yay!
316
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,066
(SCREAMS)
317
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:38,365
Dad, what's wrong with you?
Why are you acting like
such a bully?
318
00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:40,998
'Cause there are
two kinds of people
in this world, Chris.
319
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:45,098
There are bullies and there
are nerds. And there are
hot Asian chicks.
320
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:48,932
They'll do what you want.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You better believe it, buddy.
321
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,899
They will do what you want.
322
00:15:50,967 --> 00:15:53,132
Because they know.
They know what you want.
323
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,065
"Oh, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.
324
00:15:55,134 --> 00:15:57,332
"I won't hurt you.
I won't hurt you.
325
00:15:57,401 --> 00:15:59,498
"Me, big American man."
326
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:03,398
My point being that
I'm a bully, not a nerd.
Now where was I? Oh, yeah.
327
00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:04,498
(FARTS)
Aah!
328
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:06,032
Dad, get away from me!
329
00:16:06,101 --> 00:16:07,766
Oh, Peter's farts are
coming to get you.
Dad, stop it!
330
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,266
Peter's farts are
coming to get you.
Dad, come on!
331
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:11,766
(SCREAMS)
Here comes Peter's farts!
Coming to get you!
332
00:16:11,834 --> 00:16:13,766
Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?
333
00:16:17,633 --> 00:16:20,999
Brian, I may only have
one week to live and I've
got to make the most of it.
334
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,699
Now,
I've made a list of things
I want to do before I die
335
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:26,565
and you've got to help me
since this is all your fault.
336
00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:30,032
Visit Chicago museum of art.
Okay, we can do that.
337
00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:08,532
Next on your list,
you want to learn
to ballroom dance.
338
00:17:09,401 --> 00:17:11,932
(SLOW WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)
339
00:17:12,001 --> 00:17:14,464
All right, if you're
going to make me do this
at least let me lead.
340
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,298
Fine. You lead.
All right then.
341
00:17:31,401 --> 00:17:33,665
I love you.
What? What did you say?
342
00:17:33,734 --> 00:17:35,699
Olive juice.
Olive juice?
343
00:17:35,768 --> 00:17:37,999
Olive juice you, too.
344
00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:41,998
All right. Next up,
you want to star in
a national TV commercial.
345
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:45,165
If you're like me,
you suffer from
chronic back pain.
346
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:46,732
(GROANS)
347
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:48,865
NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain.
348
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,532
STEWIE: And chronic neck pain.
349
00:17:51,166 --> 00:17:52,365
Uh-oh.
350
00:17:52,434 --> 00:17:53,732
Neck pain.
351
00:17:53,801 --> 00:17:55,398
STEWIE:
Or the occasional wrist pain.
352
00:17:55,466 --> 00:17:57,632
(GROANS)
353
00:17:57,701 --> 00:18:01,199
Oh-oh. One of those parasites
that swims up your crank and
starts eating away in there.
354
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:04,531
What? No. No,
I don't have one of those.
Just the wrist thing.
355
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,099
No, it's in there.
356
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,565
Did you go swimming last week?
Yes.
357
00:18:08,634 --> 00:18:10,365
Did you pee in the river?
358
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:11,598
Yes.
359
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:12,832
You got one.
360
00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:14,465
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
361
00:18:14,533 --> 00:18:16,866
I'm just kidding.
It's only your wrist.
362
00:18:16,934 --> 00:18:18,999
What? You suck.
363
00:18:19,068 --> 00:18:21,999
You're supposed to use
your deep voice for good,
not evil.
364
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,565
You suck, man.
365
00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:25,665
(LAUGHING)
366
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:27,799
PETER: Hey, you nerds want to
see a puppet show?
367
00:18:27,868 --> 00:18:29,232
Peter, put me down.
368
00:18:29,301 --> 00:18:31,232
I told you
not until you sing.
369
00:18:31,301 --> 00:18:33,699
♪ High on a hill
was a lonely goatherd... ♪
370
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:36,565
(YODELING)
371
00:18:36,634 --> 00:18:39,131
Dad, what are you doing
to Mr. Swanson?
372
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,231
Peter, put him down
right now.
373
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:44,565
Beat it, Lois.
Peter, stop it.
Joe is your friend.
374
00:18:44,633 --> 00:18:45,865
Shut up, you nerd.
375
00:18:45,934 --> 00:18:47,499
Hey.
376
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:49,099
Peter, look at yourself.
377
00:18:49,168 --> 00:18:51,965
You're no different
than that bully
who used to pick on you.
378
00:18:52,034 --> 00:18:54,398
Are you kidding?
I'm nothing like
Randy Fulcher.
379
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,698
Oh, no?
Does that look familiar?
380
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:01,465
Oh, my God.
You're right, Lois.
381
00:19:01,534 --> 00:19:04,264
I shouldn't be bullying
the people I care about.
382
00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:08,531
I should be bullying
Randy Fulcher.
He's the jerk in all this.
383
00:19:08,601 --> 00:19:10,998
Like Dick Cheney
when he was
a Wal-Mart greeter.
384
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:15,066
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
385
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:20,398
Well, that's it for the list.
386
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,365
Not quite, Brian.
387
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:26,665
There's one more thing I
need you to do before I die.
Write down my final thoughts.
388
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:30,065
Oh come on.
I don't have much time.
389
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,932
(SIGHS)
390
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,932
"O squiggly line
in my eye fluid
391
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,731
"I see you there lurking
on the periphery of my vision
392
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:45,165
"But when I try to look at you
you scurry away
393
00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:48,198
"Are you shy, squiggly line?
394
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:54,298
"Why only when I ignore you
do you return
to the center of my eye?
395
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:59,365
"O squiggly line,
it's all right
You are forgiven"
396
00:19:59,434 --> 00:20:01,065
(PHONE RINGING)
397
00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:05,965
Hello. Oh, hi, Dr. Hartman.
All right. I'll tell him.
Thanks. Bye.
398
00:20:06,034 --> 00:20:08,331
You don't have cancer.
You're going to be fine.
399
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,899
Really? Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank God!
400
00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:15,999
Wait, wait. Look,
there's no reason we can't
finish the memoir anyway.
401
00:20:16,068 --> 00:20:18,032
Let's see what you got so far.
402
00:20:20,034 --> 00:20:22,932
Oh, you are just
the worst type of person.
403
00:20:25,134 --> 00:20:26,665
Dad, what are we doing here?
404
00:20:26,734 --> 00:20:29,665
Chris, I'm going to show you
how to stand up to a bully.
405
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:31,165
But first I'm going to
show how when I
406
00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:32,865
pull the drawstrings
on my sweat shirt
407
00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:35,932
and spit out a candy bar,
I look like an anus.
408
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:42,498
Ew! Ew! Ew!
409
00:20:47,134 --> 00:20:48,132
Hey, Fulcher.
410
00:20:49,034 --> 00:20:51,498
Griffin?
The feeling's mutual.
411
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:52,698
What are you doing here?
412
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:54,965
I'm here to kick your ass,
Fulcher.
413
00:20:55,034 --> 00:20:57,765
I'm going to beat you
and then my son, Chris,
is going to beat you.
414
00:20:57,834 --> 00:21:00,364
It's going to be
an old fashioned
father-son beat-off.
415
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:02,799
Wait a minute, Dad,
you can't hit him.
416
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:04,364
Yeah, I have MS.
417
00:21:04,433 --> 00:21:07,465
Oh, you hear that, Chris?
This guy's got
a monkey scrotum
418
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:10,632
and he's bragging about it.
Now you really got me mad.
419
00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:12,132
No, Dad.
420
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,765
(HEARTBEAT THUMPING)
421
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,165
(SCREAMS)
422
00:21:23,233 --> 00:21:24,765
Stop!
423
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:29,065
Sorry I had to do that, Dad,
424
00:21:29,134 --> 00:21:31,999
but you wanted me to learn
to stand up to a bully.
425
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:34,165
Well, I'm standing up to you.
426
00:21:34,234 --> 00:21:36,998
Stop bullying people, Dad.
427
00:21:37,067 --> 00:21:39,665
My God. Chris, you're right.
428
00:21:39,734 --> 00:21:44,232
Look at me. Look what
I've become. I thought
it'd feel good to be a bully,
429
00:21:44,301 --> 00:21:48,465
but all I did was make
people feel as bad as
Randy made me feel.
430
00:21:48,533 --> 00:21:50,233
I'm just a big jackass.
431
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:52,699
It's all right, Dad,
I forgive you.
432
00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:56,198
As long as you promise never
to bully anyone again.
433
00:21:56,266 --> 00:21:58,331
I promise, Chris.
434
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,631
I mean, you know,
unless I get really
stinking drunk,
435
00:22:00,701 --> 00:22:03,832
in which case
all you got to do is
outrun your sister.
436
00:22:03,901 --> 00:22:07,565
Oh, I like that. That's nice.
That's a warm family moment.
437
00:22:07,634 --> 00:22:10,132
I agree. We can all learn
something from that.
438
00:22:10,201 --> 00:22:13,765
Wocka, wocka.
Who wants to hear
a funny-ass joke?