1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:39,565
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to The Redneck Comedy Tour
11
00:00:39,634 --> 00:00:41,432
featuring Stink Fleaman.
12
00:00:41,501 --> 00:00:45,499
You know you're a redneck
if you come from a rural area
and behave as such.
13
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:46,932
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
14
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,465
(MALE ANNOUNCER READING)
15
00:00:48,534 --> 00:00:50,265
Oh, that dog of mine!
16
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:51,565
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
17
00:00:51,633 --> 00:00:53,932
(MALE ANNOUNCER READING)
18
00:00:54,001 --> 00:00:55,865
WHoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
19
00:00:55,934 --> 00:00:57,398
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
20
00:00:57,467 --> 00:01:01,231
(MALE ANNOUNCER READING)
21
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,865
You tell me
how that got in there.
22
00:01:03,934 --> 00:01:05,932
(WHOOPS)
23
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:10,632
He's right. Who knows
how that got in there?
24
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:13,331
Peter, can we please go now?
This is excruciating.
25
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,999
Are you kidding, Brian?
These men and their redneck
lifestyle really speak to me.
26
00:01:17,068 --> 00:01:19,199
This is the greatest show
I've seen in years.
27
00:01:19,268 --> 00:01:21,698
Not like the last time
I was at a comedy club.
28
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:24,165
I hear this guy is hilarious.
He played Kramer, you know.
29
00:01:24,233 --> 00:01:26,465
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
30
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:33,098
(CAR HORN BLARING)
31
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,232
(TIRES SQUEALING)
32
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,198
Peter,
what the hell are you doing
with a pickup truck?
33
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:43,765
Wait, let me guess,
this is because of the Redneck
Comedy Festival, isn't it?
34
00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:45,598
"Oh, that dog of mine!"
35
00:01:45,667 --> 00:01:48,932
Peter, you can't suddenly
decide to be a redneck
just because of some show.
36
00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:52,165
Some show? Lois,
those men showed me
the way to an identity
37
00:01:52,234 --> 00:01:54,332
I've been searching for
my whole life.
38
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,032
I'm gonna do everything
a redneck is supposed to do.
39
00:01:57,101 --> 00:01:58,932
This is going to be
more painful to watch
40
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,798
than when he ate
half a Fudgsicle in one bite.
41
00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:03,765
Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle!
42
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,665
(QUIVERING)
43
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,065
(SCREAMING)
44
00:02:14,266 --> 00:02:15,932
Chris, what happened
to the couch?
45
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,531
Dad dragged it out
on the lawn
46
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,266
because he said,
"That's what rednecks do!"
47
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,398
Hey, Meg, come here.
Have a seat.
48
00:02:24,834 --> 00:02:26,265
(YAWNS)
49
00:02:27,701 --> 00:02:29,798
Dad, what are you doing?
50
00:02:29,867 --> 00:02:31,365
Meg, I'm a redneck,
51
00:02:31,434 --> 00:02:33,732
which means I'm about to
do something to you
52
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,298
that you'll not remember
until you're 40.
53
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:37,965
(MEG SCREAMING)
54
00:02:38,034 --> 00:02:40,698
Meg, come back here.
I meant sex.
55
00:02:43,968 --> 00:02:48,432
MAN ON TV: We now return to
Carl Sagan's Cosmos,
edited for rednecks.
56
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:51,799
I'm Carl Sagan.
Just how old is our planet?
57
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,565
Scientists believe
it's four...
58
00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:56,165
MAN: Hundreds and hundreds
of years old.
59
00:02:56,234 --> 00:02:59,132
Scientists have determined
that the universe was
created by...
60
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,598
God.
61
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:04,732
...Big Bang. If you
look at the bones of a...
62
00:03:04,801 --> 00:03:06,099
Jesus.
63
00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:09,132
...Rex, it's clear by the use
of carbon-dating that...
64
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,498
Mountain Dew is
the best soda ever made.
65
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:13,999
Peter, do we
have to watch this?
66
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,999
This is what
rednecks watch, Brian.
67
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,498
Peter, that's disgusting.
Here, spit in
this cup instead.
68
00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:23,565
(SPITS)
69
00:03:24,433 --> 00:03:26,599
Oh, there's my apple juice.
70
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:28,099
Stewie, wait! Don't...
71
00:03:28,168 --> 00:03:29,332
Ugh! Ah! Aah!
72
00:03:29,401 --> 00:03:32,665
Where's my money?
You gonna give me my money?
73
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:34,498
Never mind.
74
00:03:35,566 --> 00:03:37,298
(SCREAMING)
75
00:03:37,366 --> 00:03:38,364
(SPITS)
76
00:03:46,867 --> 00:03:48,698
Hey, Brian, check it out.
77
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,365
BRIAN: Peter, you painted
over the back window.
Isn't that dangerous?
78
00:03:51,434 --> 00:03:52,998
I'm a redneck, Brian.
79
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,565
We like people
driving behind us to know
what our beliefs are.
80
00:03:58,401 --> 00:03:59,765
(TIRES SCREECHING)
81
00:04:00,301 --> 00:04:02,065
(CRASHING)
82
00:04:02,134 --> 00:04:04,399
Peter, what the hell! My car.
83
00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:05,599
(CHATTERING)
84
00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,366
Oh, damn it!
Hey, hey, come back.
85
00:04:07,434 --> 00:04:09,366
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
86
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:12,632
(SPEAKING THAI)
87
00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:15,332
Sorry, Quagmire.
88
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,166
How the hell am I supposed to
get to the airport?
89
00:04:17,235 --> 00:04:18,832
I got to fly a plane
in 20 minutes.
90
00:04:18,901 --> 00:04:20,899
Oh, I can drive you.
I got a pickup truck. See?
91
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:22,032
Well, come on!
92
00:04:22,101 --> 00:04:23,265
(TIRES SQUEALING)
93
00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:24,364
(CRASHING)
94
00:04:24,433 --> 00:04:26,332
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
95
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,799
Quagmire, I'm so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
96
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:30,498
We can go after them.
97
00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:32,531
Don't worry about it,
they're tagged.
Just get me to the airport.
98
00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:44,165
All right, thanks a lot,
Peter.
99
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:19,598
That's all the motivation
I need to actually do this.
100
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:29,465
Did we finish fueling?
101
00:05:29,534 --> 00:05:31,232
Do you see
the hose in the plane?
102
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:33,665
No.
Well, then,
I guess we're finished.
103
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:38,765
Thanks, George. You want to
say that one more time
without the sarcasm?
104
00:05:38,833 --> 00:05:43,466
QUAGMIRE: Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen, this is
your captain, Glenn Quagmire.
105
00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:46,332
Uh... We are looking at
about a four-and-a-half-hour
flight time today.
106
00:05:46,401 --> 00:05:47,799
Uh...
107
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:50,065
We got clear skies,
good visibility.
108
00:05:50,134 --> 00:05:52,499
The temperature in Atlanta
is 64 degrees.
109
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:55,232
Uh...
110
00:05:55,301 --> 00:05:57,665
The flight's going to be
a little longer
than we have expected.
111
00:05:57,734 --> 00:06:00,466
Uh, we've got some
very strong headwinds.
Giggity.
112
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,466
Uh, flight attendants,
please prepare for take off.
113
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,465
(BEEPING)
What the hell?
114
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:12,932
Oh, my God! We're going down.
115
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,564
(ALL SCREAMING)
116
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:18,332
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
117
00:06:18,401 --> 00:06:21,065
Secure your own mask first
and then assist the child.
118
00:06:21,134 --> 00:06:22,832
But the bag is not inflating.
119
00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:26,531
It's all right, even though
oxygen is flowing,
the bag may not inflate.
120
00:06:37,001 --> 00:06:38,799
(HISSING)
121
00:06:38,867 --> 00:06:40,298
(SIGHS)
122
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:41,598
That was too close.
123
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,065
(LAUGHING)
124
00:06:43,134 --> 00:06:46,299
Sir, we have
a confirmed crash.
Flight 37 is down.
125
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:49,531
We'd better alert the mayor.
I'll have to interrupt
his photo op.
126
00:06:51,767 --> 00:06:54,932
My Pet Goat, page one.
127
00:06:55,001 --> 00:06:56,465
"'You know,' said my pet goat,
128
00:06:56,534 --> 00:07:00,032
"'I'm sure if I watched
Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it,
129
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:02,498
"'but I just don't
have the time.'"
130
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:17,098
"'You should make the time,'
said the farmer."
131
00:07:19,267 --> 00:07:23,966
(NEWS BROADCAST
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
132
00:07:24,034 --> 00:07:27,132
Our top story. There was drama
in the skies of Quahog today,
133
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,899
as a Transnational 767
was forced to make
a crash landing.
134
00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:33,932
That's right, Diane.
As if the world weren't
already scary enough,
135
00:07:34,001 --> 00:07:37,298
it seems you can't
even get on a plane
safely these days.
136
00:07:37,366 --> 00:07:39,331
Channel Five has
the spectacular footage.
137
00:07:43,467 --> 00:07:44,499
(HISSING)
138
00:07:44,567 --> 00:07:46,232
Fortunately,
no one was injured.
139
00:07:46,301 --> 00:07:49,199
However, using
state-of-the-art Channel Five
computer technology,
140
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:52,098
we'll show you how disastrous
it could have been.
141
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:55,032
Here's how it would have
looked if the plane had
crashed into a school.
142
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:00,699
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
143
00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:03,032
Now here's how it
would have looked
144
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,432
if the plane had crashed
into a school for bunnies.
145
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,932
(BUNNIES SQUEAKING)
146
00:08:12,434 --> 00:08:13,565
Now here's how
it would have looked
147
00:08:13,634 --> 00:08:15,565
if the plane had crashed
into a school for bunnies,
148
00:08:15,634 --> 00:08:19,331
but one passenger had
survived, gone home
and mercilessly beat his wife.
149
00:08:24,001 --> 00:08:26,365
(BUNNIES SQUEAKING)
150
00:08:26,434 --> 00:08:31,199
I'm alive! But, boy,
am I angry! Someone's
gonna have to pay for this.
151
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:40,364
Why? Why? Is this because
I overcooked the roast?
152
00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:44,531
Powerful stuff. You would
have to be made of stone
not to feel saddened by that.
153
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,132
Boy, Quagmire,
I'm really sorry
they fired you.
154
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,264
I feel like this is
partially my fault.
155
00:08:49,333 --> 00:08:52,465
No, Peter, it's perfectly
normal to siphon jet fuel
from an active runway
156
00:08:52,534 --> 00:08:54,265
with the intention of
flying a pickup truck.
157
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:57,498
Look, I know I caused
a lot of trouble, but
my redneck days are over.
158
00:08:57,567 --> 00:09:00,066
No more crotch shots of me
getting out of a car.
159
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:04,999
Well, what are
you gonna do now,
Quagmire?
160
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:08,365
Hey, it's all right,
I got enough in my savings
until I find another job.
161
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:09,565
I'll be fine.
162
00:09:10,434 --> 00:09:12,298
(READING)
163
00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,198
(SCREAMING)
164
00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:20,465
Mom, Dad, there's somebody
in my tree house.
165
00:09:20,534 --> 00:09:23,366
Yeah, and there's
an annoying little homo
screaming in my kitchen.
166
00:09:23,435 --> 00:09:25,298
Which one do you think
I'm more pissed about?
167
00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:28,699
I'll remind you
that I was invited here.
168
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,265
All right, who's up there?
169
00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,131
Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois.
170
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,932
Glenn, what are you
doing up there?
171
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,398
Oh, I kind of moved in,
if that's okay.
172
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:40,398
No airline will hire me
after the accident.
I'm broke and jobless.
173
00:09:40,467 --> 00:09:43,699
Quagmire,
you belong in a tree.
You're a nut.
174
00:09:45,267 --> 00:09:46,498
(LAUGHS)
175
00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:49,766
What?
176
00:09:53,768 --> 00:09:56,098
Come on down, Quagmire,
you're staying with us.
177
00:09:56,167 --> 00:09:59,565
Oh, great. This is going to
be worse than the time
I lived with Marlee Matlin.
178
00:10:00,068 --> 00:10:01,098
(FARTING)
179
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,698
Hi, Stewie.
180
00:10:02,767 --> 00:10:04,665
(FARTING)
Oh, come on, Marlee!
I know you can't hear them,
181
00:10:04,733 --> 00:10:07,431
but you got to feel
those things
slapping out of there.
182
00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:15,665
Hey, listen, I really want to
thank you guys for taking me
in, in my time of need.
183
00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:18,932
Oh, forget it, Quagmire.
It's the least we could do
after what happened.
184
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,365
(PHONE RINGING)
185
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,431
Hello?
186
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,032
Oh, you must have
the wrong number.
187
00:10:25,101 --> 00:10:28,233
There is no one here
by the name of
Long Rod von Hugen Dong.
188
00:10:28,301 --> 00:10:31,231
Hey, is... In here, thanks.
189
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,299
Okay, now add 20.
Okay.
190
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:38,832
Now multiply it by four.
Okay.
191
00:10:38,901 --> 00:10:40,899
And what do you got?
8,008.
192
00:10:40,967 --> 00:10:43,698
And what does 8,008 look like
on a calculator?
193
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,199
Oh! "Boob!"
Boob! Yeah!
194
00:10:48,267 --> 00:10:50,164
All right! All right!
All right! Boob!
195
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:53,665
What if we had two calculators
and we put them
next to each other?
196
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:54,765
(GASPS)
197
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:57,899
Yes, yes, yes.
Find one, yes.
198
00:11:02,233 --> 00:11:03,232
(SNORING)
199
00:11:11,467 --> 00:11:13,265
(SNORTS)
200
00:11:13,334 --> 00:11:14,898
QUAGMIRE:
Didn't mean to wake you.
201
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,832
Peter, you and I need to
talk about Quagmire.
202
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,698
He's been living with us
for over a month,
and I think it's enough now.
203
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:29,665
Lois, I'm the whole reason
he lost his job and his house.
204
00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:32,365
Besides, I can't throw
my best friend
out on the street
205
00:11:32,434 --> 00:11:33,832
like a prom night
dumpster baby.
206
00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:39,166
Hey, what you doing out here?
Don't you want to dance?
207
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:40,464
Sure.
208
00:11:43,767 --> 00:11:48,965
♪ I'm just
a prom night dumpster baby
209
00:11:49,034 --> 00:11:51,866
♪ I got no mom or dad
210
00:11:53,134 --> 00:11:56,965
♪ Prom night dumpster baby
211
00:11:57,034 --> 00:12:00,565
♪ My story isn't long
but, boy, it's awfully sad
212
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:04,598
♪ And though
I came from a hole
213
00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:06,532
ALL: ♪ And though
he came from a hole
214
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,632
♪ I'm singing
right from the soul
215
00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:11,132
ALL: ♪ He's singing
right from the soul
216
00:12:11,201 --> 00:12:15,166
♪ My fanny needs a blanket
and somebody to spank it
217
00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:17,166
♪ I miss my mom
218
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:18,632
♪ But she's at the prom
219
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:23,199
ALL: ♪ So I'm
a prom night dumpster baby
220
00:12:23,267 --> 00:12:26,132
♪ Prom night dumpster baby
221
00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:29,799
♪ And I'm taking a stroll
222
00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:31,765
ALL: ♪ He's taking a stroll
223
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,532
♪ I'm taking a stroll
224
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,532
ALL: ♪ He's taking a stroll
225
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,699
♪ I'm taking a stroll
226
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:39,565
ALL: ♪ He's taking a stroll
227
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:41,799
♪ I'm taking a stroll
228
00:12:41,868 --> 00:12:43,598
ALL: ♪ He's taking a stroll
229
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,133
♪ I'm taking a stroll ♪
230
00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:52,166
Besides, Quagmire doesn't even
have a job.
231
00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:53,965
Well, you're gonna have to
help him find one,
232
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,032
because I've had enough of him
living in this house.
233
00:12:56,101 --> 00:12:57,699
You're overreacting, Lois,
234
00:12:57,767 --> 00:13:00,765
and you can't spell
"overreacting" without
"ovary."
235
00:13:00,834 --> 00:13:03,565
Because you're a girl.
I'm not overreacting.
236
00:13:03,634 --> 00:13:07,732
Hey, just an FYI. Really,
no reason to go into
any greater detail than this.
237
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,331
Stewie should probably
never use this pacifier again.
238
00:13:13,101 --> 00:13:14,832
Okay, so I'll
talk to him tomorrow?
239
00:13:28,201 --> 00:13:30,132
So how's the job hunt going?
240
00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:33,365
It's awful, Cleveland.
Quagmire blew every gig
we got him.
241
00:13:33,434 --> 00:13:36,098
Yeah, you did
a terrible job
as my nurse.
242
00:13:36,167 --> 00:13:38,366
You make your doo-doos, Joe?
Shut up.
243
00:13:38,435 --> 00:13:40,798
You make your doo-doos?
I said, shut up.
244
00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,333
There's no doo-doos today.
245
00:13:42,401 --> 00:13:44,531
I'm pretty sure
I smell doo-doos.
246
00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:46,166
Uh-oh.
247
00:13:46,235 --> 00:13:48,465
What's that in there?
248
00:13:48,533 --> 00:13:52,099
Doo-doos! They're stinky!
249
00:13:52,168 --> 00:13:53,765
(GROANS)
250
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,598
Quagmire, how would you like
to help me commit suicide?
251
00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,798
And then I got that job
on the Starship Enterprise.
252
00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:04,799
Dude, you gotta introduce me
to that black chick.
253
00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:09,331
Guys, the only thing I know
how to do is fly a plane.
That's what I was born for.
254
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,932
And I'll never be happy
unless I can do it again.
255
00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:16,631
Then that's the only answer.
Somehow we've gotta get
Quagmire his job back.
256
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:19,431
Fellows,
I think I have an idea.
257
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:26,399
Okay, guys, let's go over
the plan one more time.
258
00:14:26,468 --> 00:14:30,065
PETER: Quagmire will pose as
an airline passenger on
the 6:00 fight to New York.
259
00:14:30,134 --> 00:14:33,132
Then, Joe and I will
sneak in to
the flight attendant's lounge,
260
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,799
while Cleveland distracts
the security personnel.
261
00:14:35,867 --> 00:14:37,232
(PLAYING FIDDLE TUNE)
262
00:14:37,301 --> 00:14:39,232
Once we have the uniforms
and credentials,
263
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:43,631
Cleveland, Joe and I
will board the plane
posing as flight attendants.
264
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:46,098
Once we are in the air,
we drug the pilots,
265
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:50,065
at which point Quagmire
is forced to step in
and land the plane safely,
266
00:14:50,134 --> 00:14:51,298
making him a hero.
267
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,599
Everybody clear?
268
00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:57,198
Boy, this sounds like
more trouble than
a moose on the interstate.
269
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,699
Hey, can you help me out?
270
00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:05,465
I'm trying to get
a couple of bucks
for something to eat.
271
00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:06,732
What's moose stuff?
272
00:15:06,801 --> 00:15:08,698
Whatever you want it to be.
273
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:12,066
I could have sex with you or
I could just stand over there
and drink from the lake.
274
00:15:12,134 --> 00:15:13,631
And everything in between.
275
00:15:14,201 --> 00:15:15,199
Get in.
276
00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:23,598
(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)
277
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,198
All right, I'm gonna go
bring the pilots their coffee.
278
00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:41,565
Hang on to something,
because this ride's
about to get rougher
279
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,231
than dating a hot girl
with a bad laugh.
280
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,264
I really like you, Sandy.
281
00:15:46,333 --> 00:15:48,465
I really like you,
too, Peter.
282
00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:51,364
Yeah? You like it
when I kiss you here?
283
00:15:51,433 --> 00:15:52,799
Yeah.
284
00:15:52,867 --> 00:15:54,231
How about here?
285
00:15:55,601 --> 00:15:57,098
(LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE)
286
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,364
Oh, stop, I'm...
287
00:16:03,901 --> 00:16:05,999
Ma'am,
I hate to be a nuisance,
288
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:09,299
but your son stopped kicking
the back of my chair.
289
00:16:11,834 --> 00:16:13,531
Thank you.
290
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,232
(ALL SCREAMING)
291
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,498
Oh, no! Both the pilots
are unconscious,
and we are in a nose-dive.
292
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:26,965
If only there was someone
on board who could save us.
293
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:33,165
I said,
if only there was someone
on board who could save us.
294
00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:36,665
Peter, I don't see Quagmire.
295
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:38,932
Oh, that was great.
Thanks.
296
00:16:39,001 --> 00:16:42,932
I know you have a choice in
airport sex and I appreciate
you choosing Quagmire.
297
00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:44,832
Please exercise caution
when standing up
298
00:16:44,901 --> 00:16:47,832
as the contents of your vagina
may have shifted
during coitus.
299
00:16:47,901 --> 00:16:50,265
Who else but Quagmire?
300
00:16:50,334 --> 00:16:52,632
♪ He's Quagmire, Quagmire
301
00:16:52,701 --> 00:16:54,798
♪ You never really know
what he's gonna do next
302
00:16:54,867 --> 00:16:57,598
♪ He's Quagmire, Quagmire
303
00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:00,232
♪ Giggity Giggity Giggity
Let's have sex
304
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,165
Let us forever remember
this beautiful young woman,
305
00:17:03,234 --> 00:17:05,632
taken from us
in the bloom of youth,
306
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,932
yet as unspoiled
as when she was born.
307
00:17:08,001 --> 00:17:11,932
(ALL GASP)
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
308
00:17:12,001 --> 00:17:14,565
Who else but Quagmire?
309
00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:17,365
♪ He's Quagmire, Quagmire
310
00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:19,865
♪ Giggity Giggity Goo ♪
311
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:22,931
All right, I got
a plane to catch. Say,
which gate is Flight 209?
312
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,465
209? That flight
left half an hour ago.
313
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:28,399
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
That plane is going down.
314
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,498
My friends are on that plane.
They're all gonna die.
315
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:33,432
What? Oh, no!
And that's not the worst part.
316
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:38,398
Here's the condom
I said I put on.
Aren't I just the worst?
317
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:39,698
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
318
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,032
And I'm Diane Simmons.
319
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:43,266
More trouble in the skies
over Quahog tonight,
320
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:46,398
as a Transnational jet is
apparently out of control.
321
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:48,232
Channel Five has this
exclusive recording
322
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,499
of a mayday communication
from the cockpit.
323
00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:52,998
(PETER'S VOICE ON TAPE)
324
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,166
Mom, Dad's crashing
a plane on television.
325
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:23,499
Oh, my God! What the hell is
your father doing on a plane?
326
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:25,232
I don't know,
327
00:18:25,301 --> 00:18:28,465
but I can think of 100
better things he could be
doing on television.
328
00:18:28,534 --> 00:18:32,498
Hiya, kids,
it's Peter Griffin's
champagne dance party.
329
00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:35,098
And, oh, we got
a hot one today.
330
00:18:37,135 --> 00:18:38,765
(ALL SINGING)
331
00:18:38,834 --> 00:18:42,765
♪ Hot diggity, dog ziggity
Boom, what you do to me
332
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:45,698
♪ It's so new to me,
what you do to me
333
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:47,198
♪ Hot diggity, dog ziggity ♪
334
00:18:47,266 --> 00:18:51,265
Holy shit! We are
fucking smoking now, huh?
335
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:02,099
Hey, there, son,
mind if I have a seat?
336
00:19:02,168 --> 00:19:03,532
Hugh Hefner?
337
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,565
You look like you got
something on your mind.
338
00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:08,866
Who the hell am I kidding?
I don't deserve to be a pilot.
339
00:19:08,934 --> 00:19:10,465
I've let everybody down.
340
00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:12,598
Did you do the best you could?
No.
341
00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:15,665
I was gonna,
but I ended up
getting laid instead.
342
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:18,333
That reminds me of a guy
you might have heard of,
343
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,398
John Holmes,
the greatest porn star
who ever lived.
344
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:23,999
You know what he once said?
345
00:19:24,068 --> 00:19:27,233
He said, "You know,
I've got a 13-inch penis,
346
00:19:27,301 --> 00:19:31,299
"and Glenn Quagmire is
the best damn pilot
I've ever seen."
347
00:19:31,368 --> 00:19:33,198
John Holmes said that?
348
00:19:33,266 --> 00:19:37,698
You bet he did, right before
he died a very painful
AIDS-related death
349
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:40,665
from having unprotected sex
with so many people.
350
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:46,699
Excuse me, Hef,
I got a plane to land.
351
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:48,832
(NOTRE DAME VICTORY MARCH
PLAYING)
352
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,698
We are all gonna die!
353
00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:01,099
I can't believe
this is happening.
354
00:20:04,466 --> 00:20:07,099
PETER: Help us!
CLEVELAND: Help!
355
00:20:07,168 --> 00:20:10,065
Men, we're doing everything
in our power to get you down.
356
00:20:10,134 --> 00:20:12,966
Stand aside, sir.
I'll take it from here.
357
00:20:13,034 --> 00:20:14,732
Peter, this is Quagmire.
358
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:17,399
Now, I want you to listen
very carefully and do exactly
as I tell you.
359
00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,332
Take a firm hold
of the throttle
360
00:20:19,401 --> 00:20:21,899
and pull the red mixture knob
out slowly.
361
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:23,632
PETER: Okay.
362
00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:25,532
All right, now do you see
a button that looks like
a drunken gay guy
363
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,165
eyeing you
from across the bar?
364
00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:29,832
Um... Uh...
365
00:20:29,901 --> 00:20:32,832
Yeah, I see it.
QUAGMIRE: All right, press
the button right above it.
366
00:20:32,901 --> 00:20:35,366
Some new developments
in the Flight 209 drama.
367
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:38,199
Recently discharged pilot
Captain Glenn Quagmire
368
00:20:38,268 --> 00:20:40,132
is apparently
talking the plane down.
369
00:20:40,201 --> 00:20:42,032
Ollie Williams has the story.
Ollie?
370
00:20:42,101 --> 00:20:43,299
I'm at the wrong airport.
371
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,866
Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.
372
00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:47,766
Coming up, why calling
every Asian man you meet
"Chung King"
373
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:50,565
can land an anchorman
in hot water. After this.
374
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,065
QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter,
slide the red knob
all the way out.
375
00:20:58,134 --> 00:21:01,365
And the second those wheels
touch the ground,
you hit the emergency brake.
376
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,665
(TIRES SQUEALING)
377
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,765
We made it!
Hallelujah!
378
00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:22,665
Get some!
379
00:21:22,733 --> 00:21:25,665
Well, guess there's nothing
left to do but watch
the end of Last Holiday.
380
00:21:29,168 --> 00:21:30,731
Whoa!
381
00:21:32,101 --> 00:21:33,332
Damn!
382
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,898
(ALL GROANING)
383
00:21:34,967 --> 00:21:36,831
Oh, no, she didn't.
384
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:38,565
Oh, yes, she did.
385
00:21:38,634 --> 00:21:39,998
No, she didn't.
386
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:41,432
Yes, she did.
387
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,698
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did, Peter!
I just saw it!
388
00:21:44,767 --> 00:21:45,999
All right, take it easy.
389
00:21:51,034 --> 00:21:53,332
Glenn,
we are so thrilled for you.
390
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,631
Yeah, I guess it didn't
take too much for you
to get your job back,
391
00:21:55,700 --> 00:21:56,799
now that you're a hero.
392
00:21:56,867 --> 00:21:58,298
Yeah,
and I'm so happy for you,
393
00:21:58,367 --> 00:22:00,398
I don't even mind
that I was raped
in a federal prison
394
00:22:00,467 --> 00:22:02,231
after I was arrested
for hijacking.
395
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:04,332
Well, I couldn't have done it
without you guys.
396
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,832
You put yourselves on the line
and you gave me my life back.
397
00:22:07,901 --> 00:22:09,431
I'll never forget that.
398
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:12,364
Now if you'll excuse me,
I got to go to work.
399
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:17,898
(MUSIC FROM LITTLE HOUSE
ON THE PRAIRIE PLAYING)