1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,631
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,700 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,432
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,501 --> 00:00:19,331
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,699
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:24,231
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,999
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:30,698
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,968 --> 00:00:39,564
This was such a great idea
for a weekend activity.
11
00:00:39,633 --> 00:00:41,532
Well, I thought it'd be good
to get out of the house.
12
00:00:41,601 --> 00:00:43,965
I don't like
the kids being around
that racist sunflower
13
00:00:44,034 --> 00:00:46,165
that's growing in our yard.
14
00:00:46,234 --> 00:00:49,132
Hey, boy, don't you come
walking by this house.
15
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,298
You're ignorant.
16
00:00:53,801 --> 00:00:56,799
Hey, Mr. Eel.
You're slippery.
17
00:00:56,868 --> 00:00:58,799
Oops, got away.
18
00:00:58,868 --> 00:01:01,499
Mmm. Left my hand
smelling funny.
19
00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:04,131
Come here, Jesse.
Smell my finger.
20
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:10,165
Mmm. Mmm.
21
00:01:11,434 --> 00:01:14,765
Today was a good day.
22
00:01:14,834 --> 00:01:19,032
Hey, look, kids, it's
a re-creation of the lost city
of New Orleans.
23
00:01:25,834 --> 00:01:28,399
Dad, was there ever
a real city of New Orleans?
24
00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:31,531
No one knows, Chris.
No one knows.
25
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:36,531
Hey, Brian, look,
I'm a stripper.
26
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,433
I'm working my way
through college.
27
00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:40,698
I should be more reluctant
to take my clothes off,
28
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,999
but I'm not because
my stepfather had
boundary issues.
29
00:01:45,734 --> 00:01:47,431
Hey, there, Mr. Octopus.
30
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:50,298
I see you got two eyes
but not much else.
31
00:01:50,367 --> 00:01:52,066
We can fix that.
32
00:01:52,135 --> 00:01:55,531
Let's give you a nice,
tweedlie little
mustache here.
33
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,932
And maybe a big, old
dumb-guy smiley mouth.
34
00:01:59,001 --> 00:02:03,032
And a couple of eyebrows
with one raised up like
you're saying, "Say what?"
35
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:05,266
Look who's got pimples.
36
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:08,265
And right before
the big dance.
37
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:09,932
(ALL SCREAMING)
38
00:02:10,001 --> 00:02:12,665
Help!
It's so sucky and squeezy!
39
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:13,965
I'll handle this.
40
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,532
I've tangled with
the likes of these before.
41
00:02:21,833 --> 00:02:24,331
Wow, that was awesome,
Mr. Seamus.
42
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,432
Ah, it was nothing.
That's how I caught
old Woody over there.
43
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,765
In other news,
former President Bill Clinton
was in town today
44
00:02:37,834 --> 00:02:41,365
to judge Quahog's annual
Miss Cankle USA contest.
45
00:02:44,634 --> 00:02:46,199
Now that's a cankle.
46
00:02:46,268 --> 00:02:49,066
Where does the calf fat end
and the ankle fat begin?
47
00:02:49,134 --> 00:02:51,632
Who knows?
That's the fun.
48
00:02:51,701 --> 00:02:54,865
Brian,
what is this on my shoe?
My poop.
49
00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:56,932
That's right,
and it's disgusting.
50
00:02:57,001 --> 00:02:59,532
I am sick of you
using the front yard
as your bathroom.
51
00:02:59,601 --> 00:03:02,264
It's time you
learned to use the toilet
like everyone else.
52
00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:03,665
I'm going to sneeze,
I'm going to sneeze,
53
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:05,132
I'm going to sneeze,
I'm going to sneeze.
54
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,364
(SNEEZES)
55
00:03:06,433 --> 00:03:08,498
(SCREAMING)
56
00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:13,065
Bye, Lois.
I'm going to the gym.
57
00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:15,365
Okay, see you...
Wait. What?
58
00:03:15,433 --> 00:03:16,832
Since when do you
go to the gym?
59
00:03:16,901 --> 00:03:18,699
Well, it's just that whole
thing at the aquarium
60
00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:20,865
made me realize
I'm completely out of shape.
61
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,999
I mean, what if I run into
that octopus again?
62
00:03:23,068 --> 00:03:24,498
Peter, that's ridiculous.
63
00:03:24,566 --> 00:03:27,465
Ready for round two, man?
I got all day.
64
00:03:27,534 --> 00:03:29,098
Hey, is that your wife?
65
00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:35,365
Hey, I didn't know
you guys work out here.
66
00:03:35,433 --> 00:03:37,798
Yeah, it's a weekly regimen.
Come on, come on,
Cleveland, push it.
67
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,199
Come on, come on,
push it, push it. Push it,
come on, it's all you.
68
00:03:40,268 --> 00:03:41,866
It's all you, it's all...
Hey.
69
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:44,599
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn,
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
70
00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:46,132
JOE: Will you guys
quiet down?
71
00:03:46,201 --> 00:03:48,564
I'm trying to concentrate
on my cardio.
72
00:03:52,634 --> 00:03:54,198
Hey, you guys
the trainers here?
73
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:56,832
Why, look, Barnaby,
a new recreation enthusiast.
74
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:59,598
We'll start off your workout
with vigorous calisthenics
75
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,098
executed in rhythmic time
76
00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:05,499
with acetate pressings
of the new musical
craze called jazz.
77
00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:09,065
♪ Steak and eggs
and eggs and steak
78
00:04:09,134 --> 00:04:11,399
♪ That's what you should
have for breakfast
79
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:12,532
♪ Delicious
80
00:04:12,601 --> 00:04:16,065
♪ Steak and eggs
and eggs and steak
81
00:04:16,134 --> 00:04:18,565
♪ Just making sure you heard
82
00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:19,632
♪ I got it ♪
83
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,065
How do you
think it works?
84
00:04:24,134 --> 00:04:25,432
I have no idea.
85
00:04:25,501 --> 00:04:27,632
Look, Lois told me
I had to start
using the toilet
86
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:28,998
and you're the one
who's had potty training,
87
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:30,565
so I'm counting
on you to help me.
88
00:04:30,634 --> 00:04:32,465
All right,
we're two intelligent guys.
89
00:04:32,534 --> 00:04:33,832
We can figure this out.
90
00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:37,198
What's that big back part?
91
00:04:37,266 --> 00:04:40,198
Maybe that's
where the wizard lives
who operates this thing.
92
00:04:40,266 --> 00:04:42,231
It would be wise
not to anger him.
93
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:43,631
I wonder what
this thing is for.
94
00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:45,999
Brian, be careful with that.
We don't know what it does.
95
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,498
All right, here goes.
96
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:50,032
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Careful. Careful.
Careful. Careful.
97
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:51,132
(TOILET FLUSHES)
98
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,832
(BOTH SCREAMING)
99
00:04:57,433 --> 00:04:58,699
Don't mind me, you guys.
100
00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,732
I'm just writing
a letter to my boyfriend.
101
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:06,799
"Dear my boyfriend.
Thank you for making out
with me recently on purpose.
102
00:05:06,868 --> 00:05:10,233
"That was cool.
Those flowers that
you totally sent me
103
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:13,932
"were really pretty,
just like you said I am.
104
00:05:14,001 --> 00:05:15,133
"Love, Meg."
105
00:05:15,201 --> 00:05:17,032
Meg, you are so full of crap.
106
00:05:17,101 --> 00:05:19,199
You're like those people
who sit in Starbucks
107
00:05:19,267 --> 00:05:21,431
and publicly write
on their laptops.
108
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,298
Hey, getting some writing
done there, buddy?
109
00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:27,298
Yeah, setting up in public
so everybody can watch me
type my big screenplay.
110
00:05:27,366 --> 00:05:29,799
Me, too.
All real writers need
to be seen writing.
111
00:05:29,867 --> 00:05:31,364
Otherwise,
what's the point, right?
112
00:05:31,433 --> 00:05:32,632
You should
totally write that down.
113
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:34,398
Okay. Will you watch me?
114
00:05:34,466 --> 00:05:36,632
Hello, flabby,
out-of-shape family.
115
00:05:36,701 --> 00:05:38,665
Check out my
bulging rippliness.
116
00:05:38,734 --> 00:05:42,032
Peter, you've been to the gym
once for 15 minutes.
117
00:05:42,101 --> 00:05:44,499
And I'm 15 minutes
stronger, Brian.
118
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:46,632
I'd rip a phone book in half,
but for the life of me,
119
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:48,866
I don't know anyone who uses
a phone book anymore.
120
00:05:48,934 --> 00:05:50,498
So I'll use Meg's laptop.
121
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,198
(GRUNTING)
122
00:05:52,266 --> 00:05:54,765
Dad! What the hell?
123
00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,732
(GRUNTS)
124
00:06:00,801 --> 00:06:02,499
Look at him
in that tank top.
125
00:06:02,567 --> 00:06:06,665
He looks more
pathetic than John Merrick
when he went on match.com.
126
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:10,299
There's no way
you're a size six.
127
00:06:11,701 --> 00:06:13,799
I haven't felt
this good in years.
128
00:06:13,867 --> 00:06:15,665
I feel like
Arnold Schwarzenegger
129
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:18,065
without the fruity accent
and the Pirates of
the Caribbean wife.
130
00:06:18,134 --> 00:06:19,765
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
131
00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,498
Excuse me, sir.
Secret Service.
132
00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:24,331
I wonder if we might ask
for your assistance.
133
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,565
Yeah, what's the problem?
134
00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:27,198
We're with President
Clinton's motorcade.
135
00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:29,665
It seems he blew a tire
in front of your house.
136
00:06:29,734 --> 00:06:32,198
Boy, that guy is
really horny, isn't he?
137
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:33,999
Would you happen to have
a jack we could borrow?
138
00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:36,298
You don't need a jack.
I am a jack.
139
00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:39,431
Come on,
I'll lift that thing for you.
140
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,233
Hey, I appreciate
your help, man.
141
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:44,331
We're a little overloaded
'cause I'm having
a fat-chick party back here.
142
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:45,532
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
143
00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:48,032
All right, girls.
I've turned off the A/C.
144
00:06:48,101 --> 00:06:51,932
First one to have
a bead of neck sweat reach
their butt crack wins.
145
00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:53,832
All right, boys,
now watch how this is done.
146
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:56,465
The key is to put
it all in your groin
and your back.
147
00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,732
Take your legs
totally out of the equation.
148
00:06:58,801 --> 00:07:01,464
Lift with your lower back
in a jerking,
twisting motion.
149
00:07:01,533 --> 00:07:02,832
(CRACKING)
150
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,132
Peter!
Oh, my God!
151
00:07:04,201 --> 00:07:05,832
Call an ambulance!
152
00:07:05,901 --> 00:07:08,365
CLINTON: All right,
so which one of y'all ain't
got my herpes yet?
153
00:07:13,034 --> 00:07:14,432
How's the hernia, Peter?
154
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,332
You know what
the worst part
of it is, Lois?
155
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,465
I thought I was
just out of shape,
but that ain't it at all.
156
00:07:19,534 --> 00:07:22,398
I gotta face the fact
that I'm just getting old.
157
00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:23,532
CLINTON: Knock, knock.
158
00:07:23,601 --> 00:07:25,398
Mr. President,
what are you doing here?
159
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:28,166
Well, I felt so bad
that Peter hurt himself
fixing my car,
160
00:07:28,234 --> 00:07:30,465
I wanted to stop by
and extend my good wishes.
161
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,198
Wow! Bill Clinton!
162
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:34,665
Hey, can I get
a picture of you
on my cell phone?
163
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:35,765
Sure.
164
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:36,965
(CAMERA CLICKS)
165
00:07:37,034 --> 00:07:38,498
You know where I got
that nipple ring?
166
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:41,364
Ol' Straddlin'
Madeleine Albright
gave it to me.
167
00:07:41,433 --> 00:07:43,665
Say, you look like
you're pretty down, Peter.
168
00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:45,565
Ah, it's just that
I'm starting to realize
169
00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:47,432
I'm not as young
as I used to be.
170
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:48,532
I hear you.
171
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,298
After my bypass,
I remember wondering
172
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:52,032
if it was all
downhill from there.
173
00:07:52,101 --> 00:07:54,032
But then I realized
it doesn't have to be.
174
00:07:54,101 --> 00:07:56,032
You're only as
young as you feel.
175
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,365
I don't know, Reagan,
I wish I could believe that.
176
00:07:58,433 --> 00:07:59,932
I'm going to
make you believe it.
177
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,532
When you get out of here,
178
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,698
I'm going to take you out
and show you
the time of your life.
179
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:04,999
And by the time we're done,
180
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:07,465
I promise
you're going to feel
like a young man again.
181
00:08:07,534 --> 00:08:09,032
Well, if you really
think it'll help.
182
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:10,399
I sure do.
183
00:08:10,467 --> 00:08:13,398
Know what else will help?
A little saxophone therapy.
184
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,332
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
185
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:40,698
You can have me.
186
00:08:40,767 --> 00:08:42,598
(GIGGLING)
187
00:08:47,434 --> 00:08:48,765
What's that?
188
00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:50,265
Well, since I couldn't help
you learn to use the toilet,
189
00:08:50,334 --> 00:08:51,732
I found something that can.
190
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,565
It's an instructional video
on toilet training.
191
00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:56,199
Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider.
192
00:08:56,268 --> 00:08:58,766
And today we're
going to learn
to use the potty.
193
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:01,232
Folks, say hi
to my pal Hungry Hank.
194
00:09:01,301 --> 00:09:02,798
How's it going, Hank?
195
00:09:02,867 --> 00:09:05,565
I'm hungry for your poo.
Don't make me starve.
196
00:09:09,267 --> 00:09:11,832
Remember, it's not
really about pushing,
197
00:09:11,901 --> 00:09:16,099
as much as just relaxing
and letting your body do
what it does naturally.
198
00:09:16,167 --> 00:09:17,598
(BOTH SCREAMING)
199
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,232
What the hell?
200
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,665
(ROY GRUNTING)
201
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:24,598
ROY: Now, here's Susan
Saint James to help me wipe.
202
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:26,832
All right, Peter, we've got
a big day ahead of us.
203
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,665
I'm going to show you
that age is just
a state of mind.
204
00:09:29,734 --> 00:09:30,965
Come on, hop in my limo.
205
00:09:31,034 --> 00:09:33,165
Wow, a limo! Shotgun!
206
00:09:35,934 --> 00:09:37,865
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
207
00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:39,432
Watch the screen,
not your feet.
208
00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:40,832
Bill, shut up, I got it.
209
00:09:40,901 --> 00:09:42,232
MAN ON PA: Number 32.
210
00:09:42,301 --> 00:09:43,665
Oh, no, our pizza's ready.
211
00:09:43,734 --> 00:09:45,431
Tag out, man, tag out.
212
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:49,499
♪ I'm a Barbie girl
in a Barbie world
213
00:09:49,567 --> 00:09:52,832
♪ Wrapped in plastic,
it's fantastic
214
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:54,699
♪ Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
215
00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:56,564
♪ Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪
216
00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,698
Oh, boy, this is going
to be fun.
217
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,965
I haven't made
a crank call in years.
218
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:03,498
(GIGGLING)
219
00:10:03,567 --> 00:10:05,098
Quiet, quiet.
It's ringing.
220
00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:07,965
LINDA: Hello?
Hello, is this Linda Tripp?
221
00:10:08,034 --> 00:10:09,364
Yes.
222
00:10:09,433 --> 00:10:12,732
You shouldn't have talked,
you stupid bitch!
I hope you die!
223
00:10:12,801 --> 00:10:16,499
Boy, that, uh...
That wasn't really
a crank call. That was...
224
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,932
That was just unpleasant.
Sorry about that.
225
00:10:19,001 --> 00:10:21,665
It's okay.
You know what, Bill?
You were right.
226
00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:24,932
Ever since you and I have
been hanging out,
I feel 20 years younger.
227
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,932
You've completely
changed my life.
228
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,432
See, I told you, Peter.
229
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,265
Age is just a state of mind.
230
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:31,698
So what do you
want to do next?
231
00:10:31,767 --> 00:10:33,831
Go to Mars, dude.
232
00:10:37,601 --> 00:10:39,264
Boy, I'm getting
kind of hungry.
233
00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:40,599
Me, too.
234
00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:42,966
Hey! Hey, pull over, man!
Pull over!
235
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:47,532
Dude, check it out.
236
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,698
There's a pig
behind that fence.
237
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,765
Oh, yeah, I see it.
238
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,965
Dude, we could eat that pig.
239
00:10:55,034 --> 00:10:56,098
What?
240
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,998
Dude, come on.
We could totally eat that pig.
241
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:00,632
We could...
We could do it, man.
242
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:02,298
We could.
It'd be so easy, man.
243
00:11:02,366 --> 00:11:03,765
It would take,
like, a minute.
244
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:06,099
Could it really be
that fast?
245
00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:08,899
Peter, that pig could be
in our stomachs
246
00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:10,698
in, like, one minute,
and then we could...
247
00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:13,066
And then...
And then we could
do other stuff.
248
00:11:13,134 --> 00:11:14,865
(LAUGHING)
249
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:19,299
All right.
I'm starved. Let's do it.
250
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:22,166
(PIG SQUEALING)
251
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:24,765
Who's there?
252
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:26,799
Oh, crap!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
253
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:31,333
Doggone it!
If he wanted a pig,
254
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,398
why didn't he
just take my wife?
255
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:35,132
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
256
00:11:35,201 --> 00:11:38,699
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
257
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:40,932
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
258
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,699
(YOUR LOVE HAD TAKEN ME
THAT HIGH PLAYING)
259
00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:50,431
♪ There's no need
in goin' over
260
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,232
♪ All the things
that took me under ♪
261
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,798
Hello, old friend.
262
00:12:00,868 --> 00:12:01,899
(SCREAMING)
263
00:12:01,967 --> 00:12:03,198
What the hell?
264
00:12:03,266 --> 00:12:06,765
No! No!
You do not go on this lawn!
265
00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,398
Brian,
I've had enough of this.
266
00:12:08,467 --> 00:12:11,498
It's more disgusting
than when you gave me
that Christmas gift.
267
00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:14,632
Oh, what is it?
A little birdie?
268
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:18,832
Oh! Oh, my God!
It's dead! Brian!
269
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:21,832
Oh! Oh,
Brian, this is disgusting!
270
00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:23,531
Oh, my God!
Get it out of here!
271
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,631
I'm... I'm sorry.
272
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,298
I thought...
I thought you'd like it.
273
00:12:26,366 --> 00:12:28,331
Brian, I love it!
274
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,632
I'm going to
call you Stickyhead.
275
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,898
I love you, Stickyhead.
276
00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:34,731
Brian, if you're not
going to use the toilet,
277
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,698
there's only one solution.
278
00:12:36,767 --> 00:12:39,931
Hey, Brian, did you know
that Brad Pitt is
John Lithgow's nephew?
279
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,365
He is?
No,
280
00:12:41,433 --> 00:12:42,799
but doesn't that sound like
something that could be true?
281
00:12:42,867 --> 00:12:45,132
Oh, my God!
You're wearing a diaper!
282
00:12:45,201 --> 00:12:46,332
You look silly.
283
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,832
Why? You wear a diaper.
Yes, but I'm a baby.
284
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,232
People see my diaper,
and they say,
285
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:52,832
"Oh, how cute!
I bet he smells
like baby powder."
286
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:54,065
They see
your diaper and think,
287
00:12:54,134 --> 00:12:56,065
"Ew, that dog is sick.
He must be dying.
288
00:12:56,134 --> 00:12:57,532
"I hope he doesn't
leak on our carpet.
289
00:12:57,601 --> 00:12:58,932
"Why don't they just
put him to sleep?"
290
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,965
You know, at this point,
I'd probably welcome that.
291
00:13:01,034 --> 00:13:03,765
Oh, hey, come on, man.
You just got to
get used to it.
292
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:05,332
Hey, have you gone yet?
293
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,865
Have you popped
your butt cherry?
294
00:13:06,934 --> 00:13:09,431
You know,
you should be more sensitive
to my humiliation.
295
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:12,532
Remember how bad you felt
when you drew that
picture for Peter and Lois?
296
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,032
Oh, Stewie,
it's wonderful!
297
00:13:15,101 --> 00:13:17,398
This is going
right up on the fridge.
298
00:13:17,466 --> 00:13:18,932
Really? The fridge?
299
00:13:19,001 --> 00:13:21,732
It's like we have
a little Michelangelo
in the house.
300
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,364
Okay! See you guys later.
301
00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:30,599
I almost lost it
when you said to
put it on the fridge.
302
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:32,565
I know! I mean,
what the hell is
this supposed to be,
303
00:13:32,634 --> 00:13:34,365
a pelican or a school bus?
304
00:13:34,433 --> 00:13:36,265
Looks like
Muhammad Ali drew this.
305
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:38,798
What a dumb ass!
Hey, let's spit on it.
306
00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:40,166
(PETER SPITTING)
307
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,132
(SNORING)
308
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,799
Peter!
Oh! Oh, Lois.
309
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,166
Oh...
Let me make you some coffee.
310
00:13:49,235 --> 00:13:51,365
(SQUEALING)
311
00:13:53,468 --> 00:13:56,598
CHRIS: Oh, boy, a pig!
Can we keep it? It bit me!
312
00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,865
What the hell did you
and Bill do last night?
313
00:13:58,934 --> 00:14:01,665
We lived, Lois.
We lived our lives.
314
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:05,032
Peter, that former President
Clinton is nothing but
a bad influence!
315
00:14:05,101 --> 00:14:07,632
I forbid you to hang
out with him anymore.
316
00:14:07,701 --> 00:14:10,165
No way. Bill Clinton
makes me feel young.
317
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:12,232
Not like you,
with your Judd Hirsch sweater
318
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:15,232
and your bag of
Werther's Originals.
319
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:16,765
Well, if he won't listen,
320
00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:19,798
I'm just going
to have to go talk to
Bill Clinton myself.
321
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:26,032
Mr. President,
I need to have
a word with you!
322
00:14:26,101 --> 00:14:29,732
Wow! You certainly
are very persuasive.
323
00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:31,199
So I've been told.
324
00:14:31,268 --> 00:14:33,465
Hey, you up for
a little NAFTA?
What's that?
325
00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:36,799
'Nother afternoon
fucking that ass.
326
00:14:42,833 --> 00:14:44,832
What the hell
was I thinking?
327
00:14:44,901 --> 00:14:46,865
I don't know
what came over me.
328
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:48,966
Oh, God!
What am I going to do?
329
00:14:49,034 --> 00:14:50,698
Hey, Bill,
you up for a little bowling?
330
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:52,365
I swiped some money
out of Lois's purse.
331
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:56,232
I don't think
she'll notice because
she's here humping you!
332
00:14:56,301 --> 00:14:59,765
Peter! Look,
I know this looks bad,
and I feel horrible,
333
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:02,199
and I know nothing
I could say to you
334
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:05,965
could possibly justify
why I slept
with Bill except...
335
00:15:06,034 --> 00:15:07,131
I mean, Peter,
336
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,098
the man presided
over the longest
337
00:15:09,167 --> 00:15:12,598
economic expansion
in US history,
338
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:15,731
and he reduced
the percentage of
Americans on welfare
339
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:19,232
to its lowest
level in 33 years.
340
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,832
35 years.
35 years, Peter.
341
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:25,032
Well, well.
I learned something today.
342
00:15:25,101 --> 00:15:28,099
Apparently, there's
the side of Bill Clinton
the world knows,
343
00:15:28,168 --> 00:15:31,465
and then there's the dark,
sex-crazed side only I know.
344
00:15:31,534 --> 00:15:33,332
I'm so sorry, Peter.
345
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:37,365
Lois, I think maybe
it's better if I stay
at Quagmire's for a while.
346
00:15:37,434 --> 00:15:38,865
I understand.
347
00:15:38,934 --> 00:15:41,266
Hey, Lois, you up for
a little exit polling?
348
00:15:41,334 --> 00:15:43,499
Are you asking me what
I think you're asking me?
349
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:46,932
Well, that depends on
what your definition
of the word "jizz" is.
350
00:15:47,001 --> 00:15:49,232
Oh, God!
I've been a worse wife
351
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:52,032
than Lorena Bobbitt
when she was
married to the Thing.
352
00:15:52,101 --> 00:15:55,265
Oh, my God! Where is it?
Where did she throw it?
Oh, God! Oh, God!
353
00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:57,331
Is this what
you're looking for?
354
00:15:59,467 --> 00:16:01,732
I can't believe
Lois would cheat on me.
355
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,331
Look, Peter,
I know this is a very
difficult time for you,
356
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,098
but I want you
to know I'm...
357
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,732
I'm here for you
if you need anything.
358
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,098
You want me to drag my sack
across your face?
359
00:16:11,166 --> 00:16:13,832
What?
(STUTTERING) I'm sorry,
it's...
360
00:16:13,901 --> 00:16:16,632
When one of my
lady friends is upset,
that's how I cheer...
361
00:16:16,701 --> 00:16:18,798
Listen, Peter,
this is all I know.
362
00:16:18,867 --> 00:16:20,932
I'm not very good
in these types of situations.
363
00:16:21,001 --> 00:16:23,199
Quagmire,
I know your heart's
in the right place,
364
00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:26,099
but I need to sort
this out for myself.
365
00:16:26,168 --> 00:16:29,265
I haven't
misjudged someone this bad
since my last physical.
366
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:30,966
All right.
367
00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:33,299
The doctor will be
in in a few minutes.
368
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,532
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
369
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,399
LOIS: Peter? Peter,
are you in there? It's me.
370
00:16:38,034 --> 00:16:39,433
What do you want?
371
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:42,932
Honey, I just feel awful
about this whole situation.
372
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,265
Oh, I'm sorry, Lois.
373
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:46,065
You want me to drag
my sack across your face?
374
00:16:46,134 --> 00:16:47,798
Not now, Quagmire.
375
00:16:47,867 --> 00:16:50,365
Sorry, I did it...
That's a mistake...
I'll go make her some coffee.
376
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,498
Peter, I think
I've got a solution
377
00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:54,598
that'll make things
right for both of us.
378
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:56,131
I'm listening.
379
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,298
Well, the way I figure it,
the only way to even
things out between us
380
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,765
is if you have sex
with someone else, too.
381
00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:04,932
You want to get me laid?
382
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,632
Yes, Peter,
because I don't
want to lose you.
383
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:09,565
Well, it would make us even.
384
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,465
All right, Lois, if you
really think it'll work.
385
00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:14,365
Trust me. It'll work better
than the first telephone.
386
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,231
Well, we did it, Watson.
What an afternoon.
387
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,498
We've finally perfected
the first telephone.
388
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:23,431
Yeah. Hey, listen,
somebody called me today.
389
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,565
Whoever it was said
some very sexual things.
390
00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:28,865
Some very angry,
sexual things.
391
00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:31,898
Oh, really?
Probably just some
teenagers somewhere.
392
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,998
Damn them.
(STUTTERING) Well,
that's the thing.
393
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:36,331
I mean, there's only
two phones in the...
394
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,198
Well, in the world,
and one of them
is in my office,
395
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,998
and the other's
in your office,
396
00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:44,398
and those two didn't
even exist until about
a few hours ago.
397
00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:47,398
Yikes! I could use
a distraction right now.
398
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,266
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
399
00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:52,932
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
400
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,799
(YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING)
401
00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:01,032
♪ I can almost hear
the stillness
402
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:06,632
♪ As it yields to the sound
of your heart beating
403
00:18:08,368 --> 00:18:10,132
♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪
404
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,365
All right, Peter,
who's it going to be?
405
00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:15,898
Who do you want
to sleep with?
406
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:18,465
Who we kidding, Lois?
This is never going to work.
407
00:18:18,534 --> 00:18:19,931
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
408
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,198
No, honey,
it's got to work.
409
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,498
Just pick somebody,
and I'll make it happen.
410
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:26,132
Deep down,
in your heart of hearts,
411
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,698
if it could be
anyone in the world,
412
00:18:27,767 --> 00:18:30,765
who would it be?
Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?
413
00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:32,831
Anybody I want?
Anybody.
414
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,465
Don't be afraid to tell me.
415
00:18:34,534 --> 00:18:35,798
Babs.
416
00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:37,665
My mother?
Yeah.
417
00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:39,765
W-W-Why?
418
00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:42,898
It was my understanding
that there would be
no questions asked.
419
00:18:42,967 --> 00:18:44,931
I'm just curious.
It's a little weird.
420
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,965
Look, you know what?
She's hot. Guilty, all right?
421
00:18:48,034 --> 00:18:50,065
I haven't been so struck
by a woman's beauty
422
00:18:50,134 --> 00:18:54,532
since I was Uma
Thurman's eye-wrangler
on the set of Pulp Fiction.
423
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,232
No. You can't promise
something like that.
424
00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:59,332
I have no idea what
you're going to say to me.
425
00:18:59,401 --> 00:19:01,532
So you can go ahead
and say what
you're going to say
426
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,732
and my natural response
could be to get offended.
427
00:19:03,801 --> 00:19:05,264
Then, through
no fault of my own,
428
00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:06,799
I wouldn't have
kept my promise.
429
00:19:06,867 --> 00:19:08,198
PETER: Hang on!
430
00:19:10,168 --> 00:19:11,298
Okay!
431
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:16,832
Well, Lois, this is
an unexpected surprise.
432
00:19:16,901 --> 00:19:19,066
You and Peter should
drop by more often.
433
00:19:19,135 --> 00:19:21,498
Well, we were
in the neighborhood,
and Peter said,
434
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:23,832
"Let's stop in."
Wasn't that thoughtful?
435
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:26,865
Will you people quiet down?
I'm trying to watch Medium.
436
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:28,265
You know what?
Daddy's right.
437
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,865
Let's go upstairs
where we won't bother him.
438
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:34,265
Good. All right.
Go, Medium!
439
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:35,832
Wish I could talk to ghosts.
440
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,632
That would be sweet!
441
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,865
Mom, could we sit
down for a second?
442
00:19:39,934 --> 00:19:41,698
I have to ask you something.
443
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:42,998
What is it, Lois?
444
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,432
Well, Peter and I have hit
a snag in our marriage.
445
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,698
I won't go into details.
446
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:52,465
But it turns out that
the only way to make things
right seems to be...
447
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:54,032
It... It's, uh...
448
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:56,765
Oh, boy, what's
the best way to say this?
449
00:19:58,167 --> 00:20:01,299
Mom, would you
have sex with Peter?
450
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,565
Of course, dear.
Really?
451
00:20:03,634 --> 00:20:05,698
Carter's been most
insufferable lately,
452
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,865
and this would just
stick in his craw.
453
00:20:07,934 --> 00:20:10,865
I like your freaky spirit,
but it's your craw I'm after.
454
00:20:10,934 --> 00:20:12,965
I didn't think
you'd be so receptive.
455
00:20:13,034 --> 00:20:14,798
Are you kidding, Lois?
456
00:20:14,867 --> 00:20:16,732
I'm physically starved.
457
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,098
Your father's
utterly lost interest.
458
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,665
He won't even look me in
the back of the head anymore.
459
00:20:21,733 --> 00:20:24,998
I see. Well, I guess
we're good to go then.
460
00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:27,132
Peter, are you sure
this is what you want?
461
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,766
Yeah. I'll see you at home.
462
00:20:32,801 --> 00:20:33,799
(SIGHS)
463
00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:35,565
PETER: Lois, wait!
464
00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:40,099
I can't do it!
I can't go through with it!
465
00:20:40,168 --> 00:20:42,665
You have to, Peter,
for the sake of our marriage!
466
00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:45,598
Screw our marriage!
I love you!
Really?
467
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:48,333
Absolutely. And I don't care
that you slept with Clinton.
468
00:20:48,401 --> 00:20:49,832
We'll get past it somehow.
469
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:53,598
All I know is, I don't want
to do anything to hurt you.
470
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:55,966
Oh, Peter!
471
00:20:57,167 --> 00:20:59,898
Why are you naked
in my house?
472
00:21:00,834 --> 00:21:03,264
Why aren't you?
473
00:21:03,333 --> 00:21:04,999
You're all right, Griffin.
474
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:11,032
Well, Peter, our marriage
has suffered a serious trial,
475
00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:12,831
but I think
we can get through it.
476
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:15,665
Me, too, Lois.
It's just going to
take a little work.
477
00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:18,331
In the meantime,
I guess I better clear
the air with Clinton.
478
00:21:19,734 --> 00:21:23,066
Hey, listen, Bill,
you and I need
to have a talk.
479
00:21:23,134 --> 00:21:25,999
Boy, you are good.
You are really good.
480
00:21:35,634 --> 00:21:37,966
Well, look at you
using the toilet.
481
00:21:38,034 --> 00:21:39,632
I am so proud of you.
482
00:21:39,701 --> 00:21:42,565
Hey, well,
you deserve all the praise
for encouraging me to do it.
483
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:45,431
Well, still,
good for you.
484
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,331
So where are you really
doing your business?
485
00:21:47,401 --> 00:21:49,032
Oh, I found a place.
486
00:21:51,034 --> 00:21:52,332
Well, I'll be damned.
487
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:53,632
And they called me crazy.
488
00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,432
You can't plant
sausage seeds, they said.
489
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:57,999
Well, look at this.