1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,999
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,067 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,898
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,967 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:39,832
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in
Now It's Just Getting Sad.
11
00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:41,665
Okay, okay,
hear me out.
12
00:00:41,733 --> 00:00:45,331
My character is a therapist
living in the city,
13
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,731
but I'm married
to an elephant.
14
00:00:48,801 --> 00:00:50,799
Hi, I'm the husband.
15
00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:55,731
Hey, honey. We're going
to my parents' this weekend.
Did you pack your trunk?
16
00:00:55,801 --> 00:00:57,099
I don't think
I want to go.
17
00:00:57,168 --> 00:00:58,298
I don't like going
to your parents'.
18
00:00:58,366 --> 00:00:59,799
Why?
19
00:00:59,867 --> 00:01:01,865
Maybe because
your dad's an
ivory hunter?
20
00:01:01,934 --> 00:01:04,333
See? There's a lot
going on here.
Lot going on.
21
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,366
It actually...
It actually gets
pretty watchable.
22
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:10,066
Damn, it's still raining.
23
00:01:10,134 --> 00:01:11,598
Lois, you mind if
I go in the house?
24
00:01:11,667 --> 00:01:14,431
Fine, fine,
just put the newspaper down.
25
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:24,932
Hey, Lois, look at this.
The church is holding
auditions for a new organist.
26
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,431
Really? Wow. You know,
that sounds like it
could be a lot of fun.
27
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,065
Yeah, it's been a while since
you've had the chance
to play in public.
28
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,932
Church organist?
That's boring.
29
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,365
Why don't you do something
more interesting?
30
00:01:34,434 --> 00:01:36,531
Like when I had that job
feeding the homeless.
31
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,166
That's gonna make you
big and strong.
32
00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:44,731
Burping time.
Oh, smells like someone
needs to be changed.
33
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,366
When was the last time
you were changed?
Seven days ago?
34
00:01:48,435 --> 00:01:52,066
That's one week.
There are seven
days in a week.
35
00:01:52,134 --> 00:01:54,066
I love you, filthy hobo.
36
00:01:58,967 --> 00:02:00,065
All right.
37
00:02:00,134 --> 00:02:01,133
(QUAGMIRE UNZIPS PANTS)
38
00:02:01,201 --> 00:02:02,298
(QUAGMIRE GETS SLAPPED)
39
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:03,532
(QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS)
40
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,831
Why do you say "organist"
if you don't want...
41
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:06,565
I don't understand
the world anymore.
42
00:02:10,901 --> 00:02:14,431
Here be a jaunty sea shanty
from me boyhood.
43
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,531
♪ You shake me nerves
and you rattle me brain
44
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,531
♪ Too much love
drives a man insane
45
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,066
♪ You broke me will
46
00:02:22,134 --> 00:02:23,331
♪ Oh, what a thrill
47
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,999
♪ Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire ♪
48
00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:39,698
♪ I know what boys like
49
00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:42,099
♪ I know what guys want
50
00:02:42,168 --> 00:02:44,731
♪ I know what boys like
51
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,531
♪ Boys like
52
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,832
♪ Boys like me ♪
53
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:52,232
All right,
up next is Lois Griffin.
54
00:02:52,301 --> 00:02:57,132
Well, I don't know if I can
compete with the rest of
these people, but here goes.
55
00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,398
(PLAYING)
56
00:03:01,901 --> 00:03:05,498
My word,
what a fascinating man
this Jesus must've been.
57
00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:07,099
I can just
imagine meeting him.
58
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:08,665
(SHEEP BAAING)
59
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,999
That was beautiful,
Mrs. Griffin.
60
00:03:40,068 --> 00:03:42,032
Up next is,
Jake Tucker.
61
00:03:43,068 --> 00:03:44,732
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
62
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:50,999
(PLAYING
WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE)
63
00:03:58,334 --> 00:04:01,233
Finally. Some of us
have been waiting all evening
64
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:04,599
for a certain wife
to come home and
feed her starving family.
65
00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:06,698
Peter, I told you
I was gonna be late.
66
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,132
Couldn't you
have handled dinner?
67
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,998
You can't ask me to
make dinner, Lois.
68
00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:13,432
That's like asking me to
choose between Sarah Jessica
Parker and Kirsten Dunst
69
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:15,432
in a hot body/weird
face contest.
70
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:16,598
It can't be done.
71
00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:18,199
Well, I've got good news.
72
00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:20,665
I'm gonna be
the church's new organist.
73
00:04:20,734 --> 00:04:22,298
Hey, congrats.
Wow, Mom, that's great.
74
00:04:22,367 --> 00:04:24,298
That means
you'll play the organ.
75
00:04:24,367 --> 00:04:28,832
It also means that this family
is gonna start going to
church again on Sundays.
76
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:32,132
Being there today reminded me
of how important
religious services are
77
00:04:32,201 --> 00:04:33,932
to the moral
fiber of a family.
78
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:39,332
And lately this family
has been lacking moral fiber.
Especially you, Meg.
79
00:04:39,401 --> 00:04:41,465
Meg! What happened to you?
80
00:04:41,534 --> 00:04:44,966
She can't answer you.
She can't even talk.
81
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:48,766
Ever since she
started smoking pot,
she just kind of lays there.
82
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:51,799
It's really sad
and a tiny bit funny.
83
00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:54,665
Oh, my God, I think I'm
getting a contact high.
84
00:04:54,734 --> 00:04:56,132
Now I'm messed up, too.
85
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,765
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
86
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,464
Good morning, everyone.
Please turn to
hymn number 387.
87
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,731
♪ God,
you are so cool
88
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:18,298
♪ Although, sometimes
it's, like, what's the deal?
89
00:05:18,366 --> 00:05:22,731
♪ You never answer
your cell phone
90
00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:27,832
♪ And your messages
are often ambiguous
91
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:31,899
♪ Amen ♪
92
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:34,232
A reading from
the book of Leviticus.
93
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:38,132
"Thou shalt not
spill thy seed
into thy sock,
94
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,599
"and then cram it
to the bottom of the hamper
95
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,532
"like it's been
there a long time."
The word of the Lord.
96
00:05:44,134 --> 00:05:45,798
Praise be to God.
Praise be to God.
97
00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:49,065
Oh, I am so hungry.
Hey, look, they're handing
out cookies up there.
98
00:05:49,134 --> 00:05:50,365
Stewie, wait, don't...
99
00:05:50,434 --> 00:05:52,499
Hey, there.
Eat up, y'all.
100
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:55,499
Youse is good
churchgoing folk.
Y'all deserve a little treat.
101
00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:56,866
Give me that!
102
00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:59,298
Well, aren't you
an enthusiastic
wafer muncher.
103
00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:00,598
What is that, punch?
104
00:06:00,667 --> 00:06:03,865
Oh, don't y'all drink that.
Youse gonna get sick.
105
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:05,665
Yup.
106
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:10,732
That baby just
threw up the host!
That's a sign of the devil!
107
00:06:10,801 --> 00:06:12,765
Oh, my God, is he possessed?
He's possessed!
108
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:14,798
That baby is
possessed by Satan!
109
00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:17,331
Calm down, everyone.
He's just a little sick.
110
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,499
I'll take him home.
Come on, sweetie.
111
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:23,199
Sweet, we are out of here.
Now I can do what I planned
to do this morning.
112
00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:24,832
Gladiator mice.
113
00:06:24,901 --> 00:06:25,932
(LAUGHING)
114
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,498
Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die!
115
00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:31,531
I have everything
and you have nothing!
116
00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:35,332
(SIGHS)
117
00:06:35,401 --> 00:06:36,598
What a horrible morning.
118
00:06:36,667 --> 00:06:38,232
You know,
all I wanted
119
00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:41,098
was for us to share
a simple Sunday church
service as a family.
120
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:43,132
But I guess
that's too much to ask.
121
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,199
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
122
00:06:45,501 --> 00:06:48,232
(ALL SHOUTING)
123
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:51,565
Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin.
We're here to take
custody of your baby
124
00:06:51,633 --> 00:06:54,465
so that
the good reverend here
can perform an exorcism
125
00:06:54,533 --> 00:06:56,998
and banish the devil
from his infant soul.
126
00:06:57,067 --> 00:07:00,765
What? You are not performing
an exorcism on my baby.
127
00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:04,432
Mrs. Griffin,
you can give him to us,
or we can take him by force.
128
00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:06,032
No!
Don't worry, Lois.
129
00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:08,665
We'll hide in the one place
they can't find us.
130
00:07:08,734 --> 00:07:10,499
In imagination land.
131
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:13,299
Where you burp where you fart
and you fart where you burp.
132
00:07:13,368 --> 00:07:14,365
(BURPS)
133
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:15,532
(FARTS)
134
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,233
(CHUCKLES) Indeed,
that's how it happens.
135
00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:21,832
(ALL SCREAMING)
136
00:07:24,934 --> 00:07:26,565
Where're we going?
137
00:07:26,633 --> 00:07:29,165
Who cares? As long as
it's away from those
bloody church fanatics.
138
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:30,765
We're going to Texas.
139
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:33,731
We can stay
at my sister Carol's place
until this blows over.
140
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,732
Texas? We're going to Texas
in search of
religious tolerance?
141
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:41,265
That's gonna be like trying
to get Sneakers O'Toole
to take his sneakers off.
142
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:45,298
♪ I'm not
taking my sneakers off
I'm Sneakers O'Toole ♪
143
00:07:45,367 --> 00:07:46,932
Hey, take those
sneakers off.
144
00:07:47,001 --> 00:07:48,465
No!
Take them off, I said!
145
00:07:48,533 --> 00:07:50,132
No!
146
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:54,132
Let him go.
We'll never catch him.
Not in these shoes.
147
00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:56,665
♪ I didn't
take my sneakers off
I'm still Sneakers O'Toole ♪
148
00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:03,565
('80s MUSIC
PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
149
00:08:16,001 --> 00:08:16,999
(HONKING)
150
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:19,832
Holy crap!
151
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:21,832
You marry Billy Joel,
it's gonna happen
one way or another.
152
00:08:24,501 --> 00:08:25,332
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
153
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:26,966
And I'm Diane Simmons.
154
00:08:27,034 --> 00:08:29,399
Authorities are on
the lookout for one-year-old
Stewie Griffin,
155
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,632
a Quahog infant
who is believed
to be possessed by Satan.
156
00:08:32,701 --> 00:08:36,532
A substantial reward is being
offered for any information
leading to his capture.
157
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:40,732
In other pseudo-scientific
news, a local man claims
to have spotted Bigfoot.
158
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,565
We've got
the exclusive interview.
159
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:46,132
I was about to
bone my girlfriend,
out at the lake,
160
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:50,532
but suddenly, she yelled,
so I looked up
and it was Bigfoot.
161
00:08:50,601 --> 00:08:51,632
So, what happened next?
162
00:08:51,701 --> 00:08:53,598
Then, I went back
to bone her,
163
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,065
but the mosquitoes
were going crazy
164
00:08:56,134 --> 00:08:58,531
and she said
there was no way.
165
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,599
All right, get your snacks,
and hurry out, you guys.
166
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:06,698
There, look,
they have Chunky bars.
167
00:09:06,767 --> 00:09:10,665
What a God-awful
mess those things are.
Chocolate with raisins in it.
168
00:09:10,733 --> 00:09:13,831
Yeah. Yeah, that's what kids
want with their chocolate,
fruit.
169
00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:16,731
Why don't you put sunflower
seeds in the Ding Dongs
while you're at it?
170
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,231
Is that part of
your stand-up act?
171
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:19,932
I don't know.
Did you like it?
I wouldn't open with it.
172
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:25,899
Pardon me, sir.
We're trying to locate
a possessed child.
173
00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:27,465
Have you seen anyone
who looks like this?
174
00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:29,999
Yeah, that's my son.
He's actually in
the Mini Mart right now.
175
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:31,166
He'll be out in a second.
176
00:09:31,235 --> 00:09:32,266
(STAMMERING)
177
00:09:32,335 --> 00:09:33,932
I mean, I mean, no.
No, never seen him before.
178
00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,032
Hmm...
179
00:09:35,101 --> 00:09:36,565
What was that
first thing you said?
180
00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:38,866
Oh, I was just saying
that baby in
the picture is my son.
181
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:40,999
He's traveling with us.
He's part of our family.
182
00:09:41,068 --> 00:09:43,966
We're trying to
avoid being found
by police like you.
183
00:09:44,034 --> 00:09:48,032
I mean, I was just remarking
what a nice tie you have on.
184
00:09:48,101 --> 00:09:50,732
I love this tie.
185
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,398
All right,
you folks take care now.
186
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:53,966
(BOTH LAUGHING)
187
00:09:54,034 --> 00:09:55,732
Did you hear that
cashier's accent?
188
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,399
(IN MOCK INDIAN
ACCENT) "Would you like
some change please, for you?"
189
00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:01,198
You know,
if it weren't for 9/11,
those guys would be adorable.
190
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,898
Oh, my God, look!
191
00:10:04,101 --> 00:10:06,665
Quick, into the bathroom!
192
00:10:06,734 --> 00:10:09,099
We're gonna have to
come up with a way
to change your appearance.
193
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:11,432
Well, I could disguise myself
as Britney Spears.
194
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:14,165
I'm already standing
in urine, and I hate
the person I'm with.
195
00:10:14,234 --> 00:10:16,832
Now, let's see,
there's got to be something
in here we can use.
196
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:25,132
(SIGHS)
197
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:27,032
Boy, that was
a close one back there.
198
00:10:27,101 --> 00:10:28,899
Way to think on
your feet, Brian.
199
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:31,365
Well, we got lucky.
How you holding up, Stewie?
200
00:10:31,434 --> 00:10:32,932
Um...
201
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,065
I feel right, Brian.
I feel right.
202
00:10:44,267 --> 00:10:47,032
Are you sure Aunt Carol
won't mind us
using her house?
203
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,932
She won't care, Chris.
She's off on her
ninth honeymoon.
204
00:10:50,001 --> 00:10:51,232
(LAUGHING)
205
00:10:51,301 --> 00:10:54,432
When will it work for her?
206
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,699
Howdy, new neighbors.
Pleased to welcome you.
207
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,265
We're the Lynches.
We live next door.
208
00:10:59,334 --> 00:11:01,932
Nice to meet you.
We're the Griffins.
209
00:11:02,001 --> 00:11:05,532
Nellie here is a homemaker,
and I'm a queer
chaser and beater.
210
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,099
Lois, I'm not sure this is
the right place for us.
211
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,331
These Texans are
socially backward
212
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,765
and politically,
they're all stubborn
as a mule.
213
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,865
No, sorry,
Kevin Bacon
wasn't in Footloose.
214
00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:18,498
What? Of course he was.
No, he wasn't. You lose.
215
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:19,698
Of course he was.
He was the star.
216
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,065
No, you're wrong.
Look it up.
217
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:22,831
I don't have to look it up.
It's common knowledge.
218
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,365
He was on the cover of...
No, no, no.
219
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,898
...People magazine
when the movie...
No, no.
220
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:27,365
Everyone knows...
No, no.
221
00:11:27,434 --> 00:11:28,898
...Kevin Bacon was
the star of Footloose.
No, no, no!
222
00:11:28,967 --> 00:11:30,765
It was a huge movie.
He was the lead.
No, no, no, no!
223
00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:32,065
No, no, no...
224
00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:34,098
(BRAYING)
225
00:11:37,934 --> 00:11:39,665
Look what
the Lynches gave us.
226
00:11:39,734 --> 00:11:43,365
A needlepoint of Chuck Norris
from Walker, Texas Ranger.
227
00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:45,431
You know, they say
Chuck Norris is so tough,
228
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,564
there's no chin
under his beard.
229
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:49,398
There is only
another fist.
230
00:11:49,467 --> 00:11:51,198
That's ridiculous.
231
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:53,965
Chuck Norris?
232
00:11:54,034 --> 00:11:57,665
You know, this place
may be the upside to
everything that's happened.
233
00:11:57,734 --> 00:11:59,398
The people are
kind and generous.
234
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:01,266
They seem
wholesome and moral,
235
00:12:01,335 --> 00:12:04,232
exactly the kind of influence
this family needs.
236
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:07,565
Lois, we're living in
a red state with a bunch
of right-wing nut jobs.
237
00:12:07,633 --> 00:12:09,199
Hey, Chris,
check out my belt buckle.
238
00:12:09,267 --> 00:12:11,899
It says,
"Everything's
bigger in Texas."
239
00:12:11,968 --> 00:12:13,265
(LAUGHING)
240
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:16,565
Belts are a great way
to express opinions.
241
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:22,099
ANNOUNCER:
This is Channel Five News,
Texas, with Duke Dillon.
242
00:12:22,168 --> 00:12:24,365
Howdy, Texas,
I'm Duke Dillon.
243
00:12:24,433 --> 00:12:25,699
At the top of
the news tonight,
244
00:12:25,768 --> 00:12:27,565
authorities have
called off their pursuit
245
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:31,232
of a fugitive Rhode Island
baby who was thought to be
possessed by the devil.
246
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,899
Oh, thank God.
247
00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:36,098
This turn of events came
after Vatican scientists
announced today
248
00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:39,032
that the devil is
not the greatest threat
to salvation
249
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:42,098
due to last week's discovery
of the super devil.
250
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:44,065
Religion reporter
Dallas Houston
has the story.
251
00:12:44,134 --> 00:12:46,132
Thanks, Duke.
252
00:12:46,201 --> 00:12:47,998
Well, let me try to give you
a clear picture of what
we're dealing with here.
253
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,966
Here's a photo of the devil,
and here's the super devil.
254
00:12:51,034 --> 00:12:53,632
Now, as you can see,
there are some
significant differences.
255
00:12:53,701 --> 00:12:56,399
The super devil is at
least 6 inches taller.
256
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:58,332
He has a flying motorcycle
257
00:12:58,401 --> 00:13:01,732
and a jar of marmalade
that we believe forces you
to commit adultery.
258
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:03,498
Thanks a lot, Dallas.
259
00:13:03,566 --> 00:13:05,765
Looks like we've all got
something new
to be afraid of.
260
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:09,598
Everyone, it's over.
We can go back to Quahog.
261
00:13:13,034 --> 00:13:15,098
Hey, Lois, did you
say something?
262
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:17,865
Oh, just that I think
you're gonna love this cake.
263
00:13:17,934 --> 00:13:21,365
None for me, thanks.
It's gonna go
straight to my vagina.
264
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:23,831
That's what girls
worry about, right?
Having big vaginas?
265
00:13:28,401 --> 00:13:30,432
Dad, why aren't
you taking the car?
266
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,932
Chris, we're in Texas now.
If I'm not riding a horse,
267
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,465
I'm gonna stick out
like a straight guy
268
00:13:34,534 --> 00:13:35,998
in a figure
skating competition.
269
00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:41,098
Boo-ya!
Triple salchow in your face!
270
00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:43,265
Hey, you want this?
Huh? You want some of this?
271
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:46,464
Oh, man, look at your rack.
I'd motorboat that.
272
00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:47,898
I'd motorboat
the hell out of it.
273
00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:49,899
Right after
this layback spin.
274
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:56,364
Bottle of Jack Daniel's,
please.
275
00:13:56,433 --> 00:13:59,131
Here you go.
Thanks. What's this?
276
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,865
That's your gun.
Buy some liquor,
get a free gun.
277
00:14:01,934 --> 00:14:04,432
Is that, like,
a special you have
on now or something?
278
00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:07,499
Nope, Texas state law.
You have a nice day now.
279
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:08,965
State law?
280
00:14:09,034 --> 00:14:11,732
God,
this place officially sucks
worse than the WNBA.
281
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:16,098
And at the top of
the second half,
it's 16 to 9.
282
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:17,899
Easton leads
the scoring with four.
283
00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:21,164
And that's why
she commands $7,000 a year.
284
00:14:21,233 --> 00:14:23,531
These gals sure do
make it look difficult.
285
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:27,165
ANNOUNCER: But is
having this minor skill
worth being so unattractive?
286
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,265
That's for the fan to decide.
287
00:14:29,333 --> 00:14:30,398
Yay!
288
00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:34,532
(EXCLAIMS)
289
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,199
Huh.
290
00:14:37,134 --> 00:14:39,165
That was kind of cool.
291
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,198
(YAWNS)
292
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:49,231
Been a long day, Lois.
Long day.
293
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,899
Peter, what the hell?
You can't bring that
horse into our bed!
294
00:14:52,968 --> 00:14:55,932
Lois, I cannot believe
you would ban
the horse from our bed.
295
00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:57,932
He is a graceful,
majestic creature
296
00:14:58,001 --> 00:15:00,731
who is a part of this family
and only wants
your love and respect.
297
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,398
The horse may have
pooped in the bed.
298
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:09,465
I hereby call this meeting
of the Texas Youth Club
to order.
299
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:13,799
First, I'd like to welcome
our two newcomers,
Chris and Meg Griffin.
300
00:15:13,867 --> 00:15:17,032
Wow, this is the coolest club
I've ever been in.
301
00:15:17,101 --> 00:15:19,399
Well, you're not
quite in the club yet.
302
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:21,065
You got to pass
the initiation.
303
00:15:21,134 --> 00:15:22,299
What do we have to do?
304
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:24,331
You got to sneak
onto the Crawford Ranch
305
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,932
and steal a pair of
George Bush's underwear.
306
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:31,132
And then bring it back here,
so we can bask in
its Bushy goodness.
307
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,898
Boy, that's even kinkier
than the porn they make
for senior citizens.
308
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,298
Can I help you, Edward?
309
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:41,131
Yeah, I'm here for
the early bird special.
310
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,998
Are those new slacks?
311
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,098
What's that now?
312
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:47,498
Are those new slacks?
313
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:50,198
I got these on
special at Caldor.
314
00:15:50,267 --> 00:15:51,598
Who drove you there?
315
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:52,731
My nephew.
316
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:53,798
Oh!
317
00:15:53,867 --> 00:15:55,465
That was nice of him.
318
00:15:55,534 --> 00:15:57,365
I forgot why I came over.
319
00:15:58,434 --> 00:16:00,432
Are those new slacks?
320
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:07,199
What is this?
What the hell
are we doing here?
321
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:09,265
Welcome to your first
toddler pageant, Stewie.
322
00:16:09,333 --> 00:16:10,233
It's what you do
when you're in Texas.
323
00:16:13,134 --> 00:16:16,265
Oh, lovely. A first-class
ticket to a semen-covered
death in the basement.
324
00:16:16,333 --> 00:16:18,365
Why don't you meet
the other contestants
while I go register you?
325
00:16:20,034 --> 00:16:23,098
Hello, I'm, uh,
Stephanie Griffin.
326
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,231
Hi, Stephanie.
What's your talent?
327
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:30,932
I sing, I do gymnastics,
and I can play seven
instruments at the same time.
328
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,299
You could be
a threat to me. Chuck.
329
00:16:37,633 --> 00:16:40,065
There it is.
The Crawford Ranch.
330
00:16:40,134 --> 00:16:42,332
I can't believe we're
actually doing this.
331
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:44,565
What a bonding adventure
for the two of us.
332
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:48,599
Settle down, Meg.
Okay, I see old man
Cheney guarding the place.
333
00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:50,398
(SNORING)
334
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:52,532
18% approval ratings.
335
00:16:54,468 --> 00:16:57,265
I'll give you 18% of
my foot in your ass.
336
00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:02,898
I'd like you to meet
my daughter's husband,
Michael.
337
00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:19,698
Wow, look how
organized he is.
338
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:21,899
He's already got his
sugar cut up into neat
339
00:17:21,968 --> 00:17:24,232
little lines for his
breakfast tomorrow.
340
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,398
CHRIS:
And a razor blade to shave.
341
00:17:27,466 --> 00:17:29,132
Wow, look at this.
342
00:17:29,201 --> 00:17:31,866
I can't believe Mrs. Bush
kept all these Planned
Parenthood receipts.
343
00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:33,299
Holy cow!
344
00:17:33,368 --> 00:17:36,165
She's been scraped more times
than a fisherman's knuckle.
345
00:17:36,234 --> 00:17:37,832
Hey! What are you
kids doing here?
346
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:40,965
You tell Javier to back off.
I'll have his money
by next week.
347
00:17:41,034 --> 00:17:42,565
What?
Never mind.
348
00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,265
Hey, you guys wanna
see something?
349
00:17:44,334 --> 00:17:47,532
Grab a beer and follow me.
350
00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:50,465
See this car?
I restored it
myself this summer.
351
00:17:50,534 --> 00:17:53,165
I was here for 12 weeks.
I had to do something.
352
00:17:53,233 --> 00:17:56,231
But along the way,
I learned about honesty,
integrity
353
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:59,365
and cold-filtered
Miller Genuine Draft.
354
00:17:59,934 --> 00:18:00,999
(BURPS)
355
00:18:01,068 --> 00:18:03,298
That's an adult
beverage right there.
356
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:04,899
You understand
what I'm trying
to say to you?
357
00:18:04,967 --> 00:18:07,165
Yes, but I have
just one question.
358
00:18:07,234 --> 00:18:09,366
Can I borrow your underpants
for 10 minutes?
359
00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:15,366
(ALL GASPING)
360
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:20,199
(PHONE RINGS)
361
00:18:20,268 --> 00:18:22,164
Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.
362
00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:24,732
Brian, I'm reading TV Guide.
363
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,798
Can you explain
how these "cheers"
and "jeers" work again?
364
00:18:28,867 --> 00:18:30,899
Well, the "cheers"
is when they generally
365
00:18:30,967 --> 00:18:32,965
approve of
something on television,
366
00:18:33,034 --> 00:18:37,399
and "jeers" is when
they find some
sort of fault with it.
367
00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:39,932
See, yeah,
I'm not quite...
368
00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:41,698
We can't do this
over the phone.
369
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:43,332
You're gonna
have to come over.
370
00:18:43,401 --> 00:18:45,065
I can't come over.
We're still on the run,
371
00:18:45,134 --> 00:18:46,865
because the town thinks
Stewie's possessed.
372
00:18:46,934 --> 00:18:48,966
No, they don't.
Didn't you hear?
373
00:18:49,034 --> 00:18:50,999
They stopped
chasing you weeks ago.
374
00:18:51,068 --> 00:18:52,465
What? I have to go.
375
00:18:52,533 --> 00:18:54,598
Wait, wait,
I have another question.
376
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,431
How do I know
if I'm Jewish?
377
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,598
Are you Jewish?
No.
378
00:18:57,667 --> 00:18:59,265
There you go, sport.
Thank you.
379
00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:02,866
Hey, guys, thanks so much
for inviting me out today.
380
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,932
I'm psyched to
brand my first cow.
381
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,199
Here you are, Peter.
All fired up and ready to go.
382
00:19:09,201 --> 00:19:11,032
(GROANING)
383
00:19:13,034 --> 00:19:17,698
Yes! Yes!
Hang on a second.
384
00:19:19,268 --> 00:19:20,665
(BELLOWING)
385
00:19:26,101 --> 00:19:28,464
Man, Texas is great.
Back where I'm from,
386
00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:31,932
a retarded guy
could never
have this much fun.
387
00:19:32,001 --> 00:19:33,199
What'd you just say?
388
00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:36,265
What?
Technically, I'm retarded.
389
00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:38,498
Fellas, fellas,
can't we talk this over?
390
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:40,732
Talking is for
terrorists and blacks.
391
00:19:40,801 --> 00:19:43,332
In Texas,
we execute the retarded!
392
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,899
Oh, my God.
So, this is how it ends?
393
00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:49,531
I always thought I'd die
having to sit through
the Canadian Film Festival.
394
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:53,932
I don't wish to
cause you any harm,
and I won't. The end.
395
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,065
Horsey, you saved my life.
396
00:20:07,134 --> 00:20:08,531
No problem, Peter.
397
00:20:08,601 --> 00:20:09,832
Glad to help out.
398
00:20:09,901 --> 00:20:11,765
Wow, Gilbert Gottfried.
399
00:20:11,834 --> 00:20:13,731
That's right!
Awesome.
400
00:20:18,067 --> 00:20:22,532
Now, the final contestant
for our talent portion
of the competition,
401
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,166
Stephanie Griffin.
402
00:20:24,235 --> 00:20:25,732
Thank you,
thank you.
403
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,265
Hey, what's the deal
with Chunky bars, huh?
404
00:20:28,333 --> 00:20:30,233
Chocolate with
raisins in it.
405
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:33,232
Yeah, that's what kids want
with their chocolate, fruit.
406
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,132
(ALL LAUGHING)
407
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,565
Wow, that bit's killing.
408
00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:38,832
Hey, Lois, great news.
We can go back to Quahog.
409
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:40,032
Yeah, I know, Brian.
410
00:20:40,101 --> 00:20:41,099
(SHUSHING)
411
00:20:41,167 --> 00:20:42,432
We're about to
see if Stewie won.
412
00:20:42,501 --> 00:20:45,298
Wait a minute, you know?
How long have you known?
413
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,932
A few weeks. Who cares?
Wait a minute. You...
414
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,365
You've known for weeks
and you've been lying
about having to stay here?
415
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:52,865
Brian, don't you see?
416
00:20:52,934 --> 00:20:56,032
This is a wholesome community
with real values.
417
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:58,465
And our first runner-up is...
418
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:01,599
Miss Dixie-Ann Thomas,
419
00:21:01,667 --> 00:21:07,665
which means that
Miss Stephanie Griffin
is our new Little Miss Texas!
420
00:21:11,268 --> 00:21:13,898
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, I never expected this!
421
00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,865
Oh, I'm so, so honored!
422
00:21:16,934 --> 00:21:18,564
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
423
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:20,332
Hey! That's not a girl!
424
00:21:20,401 --> 00:21:21,898
It's Enrico Palazzo!
425
00:21:21,967 --> 00:21:24,398
No, it's not!
It's one of them
queerosexuals!
426
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:25,799
Get him!
427
00:21:26,734 --> 00:21:28,332
(ALL CLAMORING)
428
00:21:31,366 --> 00:21:32,932
Quick, get on!
429
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,598
Thank you for all your help.
430
00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:43,999
My pleasure, Peter.
431
00:21:44,067 --> 00:21:46,365
Any time.
Oh, fantastic.
432
00:21:46,434 --> 00:21:47,565
Hey, do you still
do stand-up?
433
00:21:47,634 --> 00:21:49,499
I do. I'm still touring.
434
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:51,598
Oh, wow, can we get tickets?
Absolutely.
435
00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,265
I'm in Atlanta next week.
436
00:21:53,334 --> 00:21:55,098
Great. Oh, well,
this will be fun.
437
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:05,699
It is so good to be home.
438
00:22:05,767 --> 00:22:09,598
You know, I wanted
us to live in a place
with real family values.
439
00:22:09,667 --> 00:22:13,231
But values don't
come from where you live
or who your friends are.
440
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:16,165
They come from inside,
from your own beliefs.
441
00:22:16,233 --> 00:22:19,399
I agree, Lois.
Like for instance,
if you're watching a TV show
442
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:22,998
and you decide to
take your values
from that, you're an idiot.
443
00:22:23,067 --> 00:22:26,831
Maybe you should take
responsibility for what
values your kids are getting.
444
00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:28,465
Maybe you shouldn't be
letting your kids
445
00:22:28,534 --> 00:22:30,165
watch certain shows
in the first place
446
00:22:30,233 --> 00:22:31,831
if you have such
a big problem with them,
447
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:34,631
instead of blaming
the shows themselves.
448
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:37,198
Yeah.