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00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,965
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:06,034 --> 00:00:09,298
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:12,965
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,034 --> 00:00:16,032
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:19,298
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:19,366 --> 00:00:22,665
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:24,267 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,832
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,500 --> 00:00:37,932
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to How I Met Your Father.
11
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,066
Oh, Barney, I'm never
going to meet the right
girl and get married.
12
00:00:41,135 --> 00:00:43,133
You know, Ted,
don't you think
it's kind of strange
13
00:00:43,201 --> 00:00:44,999
for a guy in his 20s
to always be talking
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00:00:45,068 --> 00:00:48,066
about getting married,
rather than getting laid?
15
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:52,531
Barney, I'm in love with you.
Suit up!
16
00:00:53,201 --> 00:00:55,066
(BOTH MOANING)
17
00:00:55,134 --> 00:00:58,431
All right, come on, everyone.
Go get dressed.
It's ballet night.
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00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:00,132
(ALL GROANING)
19
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,565
Lois, don't freaking put me
through this again.
20
00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:05,132
Peter, a little culture is
good for this family.
21
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,364
Besides,
you liked The Nutcracker,
didn't you?
22
00:01:07,433 --> 00:01:11,565
No, Lois, I did not.
The Nutcracker had
zero physical comedy.
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00:01:11,633 --> 00:01:13,264
And with a name
like The Nutcracker,
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00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:15,198
I thought,
"Oh, this'll be
worth a few yucks."
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00:01:15,266 --> 00:01:17,498
But, no, Lois,
that title wrote a check
26
00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:19,932
that those queers on stage
refused to cash.
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Peter, we're going.
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00:01:21,734 --> 00:01:24,699
Well, we're not
the first people to be
dragged off against our will.
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00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:26,165
Are we there yet?
No!
30
00:01:26,234 --> 00:01:27,598
Are we there yet?
No!
31
00:01:27,667 --> 00:01:29,632
Are we there yet?
Damn it, I swear to God,
32
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,965
I will turn this ship around!
33
00:01:32,034 --> 00:01:33,432
That works.
Okay.
34
00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:35,032
If you want to
teach us a lesson...
Yeah, that's even better.
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00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,299
All right,
if that's what you...
Wait a minute!
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00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,598
You know,
Meg, female ballet dancers
37
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:48,265
are famous for
anorexia and bulimia and...
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00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:50,265
It seems to
work out for them.
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00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:53,532
So... Hintedy-hint-hint.
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00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,332
Boy, this is gonna be long.
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00:01:55,401 --> 00:01:58,532
So, you kids develop
any good pot connections
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00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,799
at your school yet?
What?
43
00:01:59,867 --> 00:02:02,133
Yeah.
Ah. Lois, we'll be right back.
44
00:02:02,201 --> 00:02:04,999
Meg's gonna take
me outside to poop.
45
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:06,866
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
46
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,498
(MUSIC PLAYING)
47
00:02:16,101 --> 00:02:17,331
(SIGHS)
48
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,366
QUAGMIRE: Hello?
Hey, Quagmire.
49
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,466
Hey, Peter, what's up?
50
00:02:24,534 --> 00:02:26,432
I'm stuck at
the stupid ballet.
51
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,032
Get out of here.
You serious?
Yeah.
52
00:02:28,101 --> 00:02:29,799
So am I!
What?
53
00:02:29,868 --> 00:02:30,532
Yeah, I got dragged here
by this broad I'm
trying to screw.
54
00:02:30,601 --> 00:02:31,832
Where you sitting?
55
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:32,699
Look across
at the other balcony,
56
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:33,765
I can see you.
57
00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:38,199
Oh, my God! What do we do?
What do we do?
58
00:02:38,267 --> 00:02:39,531
What do we do?
We're both here.
59
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:41,932
Oh, my God,
we should text each other.
Hang up! Hang up!
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00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:47,066
(VIBRATES)
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00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,798
(LAUGHING)
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00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:54,932
(PHONE VIBRATES)
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00:02:55,001 --> 00:02:56,133
(EXCLAIMS)
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00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:04,498
Chris, how many
times have I told you,
no reading during meals.
65
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:06,232
I have a history
test today, Mom,
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00:03:06,301 --> 00:03:10,532
and I couldn't study
last night because you
made us go to the ballet.
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00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:13,098
(PHONE VIBRATES)
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00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:14,232
(CHUCKLES)
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00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:15,932
Yeah, right in her ass.
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00:03:16,001 --> 00:03:17,499
(BOTH LAUGHING)
71
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:19,332
(SIGHS)
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00:03:19,401 --> 00:03:21,632
Well, Chris, you're
not gonna learn
any history from this.
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00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:24,698
This textbook is from 1896.
What?
74
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:27,732
"Chapter Three.
Here Comes Utah."
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00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:29,365
Let me see that.
76
00:03:29,433 --> 00:03:33,398
"Negroes,
America's Dancingest
Rapefolk." That's awful!
77
00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:34,531
We don't use
the word "negro" anymore.
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00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:37,698
What the hell? Are these
schools so underfunded
79
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:39,965
that they can't
afford textbooks
from this century?
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00:03:40,034 --> 00:03:43,264
Well, I am gonna
raise hell about this
at the next PTA meeting.
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00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:46,065
Well, let me know
if you need help.
I can be very persuasive.
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00:03:46,134 --> 00:03:48,932
I gave the next speech
after the Braveheart guy.
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00:03:49,001 --> 00:03:54,531
They can take our lives,
but they can never
take our freedom!
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00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,132
(ALL CHEERING)
85
00:03:56,201 --> 00:03:59,965
And, and, let's not forget
the tax they levied
on properties
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00:04:00,034 --> 00:04:02,399
that are in
abutment of church lands.
87
00:04:02,467 --> 00:04:04,732
So, yeah! Let's do it!
88
00:04:04,801 --> 00:04:06,631
(ALL CLAPPING)
89
00:04:11,034 --> 00:04:12,965
All right, let's get
this meeting underway.
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00:04:13,034 --> 00:04:15,999
For our first
order of business,
we'll go to Bruce.
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00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:18,732
Oh, hey, y'all said my name!
92
00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:21,133
Welcome to our meeting
here at the school.
93
00:04:21,201 --> 00:04:23,899
We've got lots of exciting
topics here tonight.
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00:04:23,968 --> 00:04:27,065
We gonna have a puppet show,
we gonna have some jazz.
95
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,465
No, I'm just kidding.
96
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:31,032
We have some business
to take care of, though.
97
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,132
I'm sorry I pulled
y'alls legs.
98
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,931
I'm just a little excited
'cause I met somebody today.
99
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,999
Someone in the bookstore.
100
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:42,332
Someone who likes
the same kind of
literature as I do.
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00:04:42,401 --> 00:04:44,866
Oh, and
the adventure begins again.
102
00:04:44,934 --> 00:04:46,531
Excuse me,
Principal Shepherd,
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00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,166
there's something
I'd like to discuss.
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00:04:48,234 --> 00:04:50,866
The school has gone too far
with these budget cuts.
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00:04:50,934 --> 00:04:53,765
I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
but the "No Child
Left Behind" law
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00:04:53,834 --> 00:04:55,398
cost us our federal funding
107
00:04:55,466 --> 00:04:57,598
because our students'
test scores were too low.
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00:04:57,667 --> 00:05:00,965
They cut a school's funding
if it's got low test scores?
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00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,965
This is not what
the founding fathers
had in mind.
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00:05:04,034 --> 00:05:07,498
Okay, we're here to
sign this declaration
of our independence.
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00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:09,032
Let's take roll call first.
112
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:10,565
Thomas Jefferson?
JEFFERSON: Here.
113
00:05:10,633 --> 00:05:12,233
Benjamin Franklin?
FRANKLIN: Here.
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00:05:12,301 --> 00:05:14,732
John Footpenis?
HANCOCK: It's Hancock now.
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00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:15,866
Why?
116
00:05:15,934 --> 00:05:17,665
HANCOCK: Mind your business,
that's why.
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00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,765
Well, somehow this school
needs to raise its test
scores right away!
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00:05:20,834 --> 00:05:22,865
I suppose there is
one thing I can do
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00:05:22,933 --> 00:05:24,631
to raise
the school's test average.
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00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:25,932
Then do it!
121
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,865
All right. We'll drop
the dumbest student we have.
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00:05:28,933 --> 00:05:31,698
Chris Griffin is
hereby expelled.
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00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:35,531
But if I leave now,
I won't hear who's the
dumbest kid in the school.
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00:05:41,134 --> 00:05:43,332
Cool, I don't have to
go to school.
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00:05:43,401 --> 00:05:45,832
I can just pee
in my bed all day.
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00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:48,266
Chris, being expelled
is a serious thing.
127
00:05:48,334 --> 00:05:50,499
Peter, we've got to
find another school
for him.
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00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,065
I say,
I could home-school him.
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00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:54,565
After all, I taught Cleveland
how to make Jiffy Pop.
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00:05:55,867 --> 00:05:56,865
Oh!
131
00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:58,298
(LAUGHING)
132
00:06:04,633 --> 00:06:06,932
So, do you think
your school would
be right for Chris?
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00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,398
Oh, absolutely.
134
00:06:08,466 --> 00:06:10,865
Quahog School for the Deaf
has great programs,
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00:06:10,934 --> 00:06:12,531
both academic and athletic.
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00:06:12,601 --> 00:06:15,765
In fact, you're just in time
for our homecoming pep rally.
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00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:17,899
What are we
gonna do to Lincoln?
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00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:19,265
ALL: Kill them!
139
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:21,299
I can't hear you!
140
00:06:21,368 --> 00:06:22,432
ALL: Kill them!
141
00:06:22,501 --> 00:06:24,199
I can't hear you!
142
00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:25,899
ALL: Kill them!
143
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,966
I can't hear you!
144
00:06:28,034 --> 00:06:29,232
ALL: Kill them!
145
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:31,199
I can't hear you!
146
00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:32,665
ALL: Kill them!
147
00:06:32,734 --> 00:06:33,732
Let's just go.
148
00:06:37,034 --> 00:06:39,498
Welcome to the Quahog
Maritime School, Chris.
149
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:43,866
Our curriculum consists of
being on boats for long
periods of time with men.
150
00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:46,265
Just men.
For many days at a time.
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00:06:46,334 --> 00:06:48,332
Up on the deck
with lots of men,
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00:06:48,401 --> 00:06:50,366
or down in
the galley with lots of men.
153
00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:52,366
Is this some kind
of pirate school?
154
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:55,999
Well, a certain
kind of pirate.
Yes, we've been called that.
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00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:59,465
I don't know.
Is there some kind of
pre-school program?
156
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,665
You know, I have to admit,
157
00:07:03,734 --> 00:07:05,432
I've always been
a little worried
about Chris,
158
00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:09,198
but I guess I just
convinced myself things
would work out for him.
159
00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:12,465
But with no education,
what kind of future
can he possibly have?
160
00:07:12,534 --> 00:07:14,032
Well, what are we
supposed to do, Lois?
161
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,999
I mean,
it's not like the high school
will take him back.
162
00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:19,998
And every other
school we've tried
just doesn't... Oh, crap!
163
00:07:37,934 --> 00:07:39,232
(CROWING)
164
00:07:42,867 --> 00:07:44,098
(CROWS)
165
00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:04,032
(SCREAMS)
166
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,198
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
167
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,565
(ALL SCREAMING)
168
00:09:16,201 --> 00:09:17,631
My son got into DeVry.
169
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:21,298
Oh, good,
what'd he have to do,
open the door?
170
00:09:21,366 --> 00:09:23,698
Can't you let me
have anything?
171
00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:16,498
Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on, hang on.
172
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,532
What are we fighting about?
173
00:10:18,601 --> 00:10:20,966
You know,
I have completely forgotten.
Me, too.
174
00:10:21,034 --> 00:10:22,732
Something about a coupon?
175
00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:24,465
I cannot for
the life of me remember.
176
00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:26,099
Oh, my God,
that's ridiculous.
177
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,266
You know what, I just...
I hope I didn't hurt you
178
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:30,998
because I'd feel
terrible about that.
No, no, no. I'm all right.
179
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:32,798
But, listen, you know what,
let me make it up to you.
180
00:10:32,867 --> 00:10:34,265
Why don't you
let my wife and I
take you out to dinner.
181
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:35,332
Well, that sounds lovely.
182
00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:40,998
Ah. That was delicious.
183
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:42,832
You know, I drive by
this place all the time
184
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,898
and I've never been inside,
isn't that funny?
185
00:10:44,967 --> 00:10:47,732
Yeah, you know,
Nicole and I came
here by accident.
186
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,032
We had reservations
at another place and they...
187
00:10:50,101 --> 00:10:51,832
Right, right, honey?
Yeah. They couldn't seat us
188
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:53,565
for, like, an hour,
so we ended up coming here
189
00:10:53,634 --> 00:10:54,832
and we just loved it.
Loved it.
190
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:57,199
I can see why.
I mean, that halibut was...
191
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:59,932
That may have
been the best halibut
I've ever had.
192
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,699
Well, I'm glad
we talked you out of
the pork chops, huh?
193
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,798
Yes! Thank you!
194
00:11:04,867 --> 00:11:06,765
Oh, oh, let me,
let me, let... I'll get that.
I'll get that.
195
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,165
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I got it.
196
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,798
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm taking care of this.
197
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:11,798
No, no, no,
your money's
no good here.
198
00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:13,898
No, my food was
more expensive.
I feel bad if...
199
00:11:13,967 --> 00:11:15,865
We invited you.
I've got this.
200
00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:17,032
Look, just let go
of the check.
201
00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:18,298
You let go of the check.
202
00:11:18,366 --> 00:11:19,798
I'm not taking my
hand off this thing.
203
00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:21,699
Well, neither am I.
204
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,298
Let go of the check.
205
00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:24,998
Ernie, if he wants to...
Stay out of this!
206
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,532
Don't you talk to
my wife like that!
207
00:11:26,601 --> 00:11:29,331
Oh, yeah?
What are you
gonna do about it?
208
00:12:01,201 --> 00:12:02,665
(SCREAMING)
209
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:10,765
(PANTING)
210
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,765
Sorry.
211
00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:34,099
And every other
school we've tried
212
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:36,065
just doesn't seem
to be a good fit
for Chris.
213
00:12:36,134 --> 00:12:38,265
Well,
there is one other option.
214
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,165
Daddy, there's something
I need you to do for me.
215
00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:46,366
Chris got expelled
from James Woods High,
216
00:12:46,434 --> 00:12:48,799
and, well, I was wondering
if you could get him
217
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:51,165
into that fancy
boarding school
you went to.
218
00:12:51,234 --> 00:12:53,866
You want me to get Chris
into Morningwood Academy?
219
00:12:53,934 --> 00:12:55,999
It would mean so
much to our family.
220
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,765
All right,
I'll pull some strings
on one condition.
221
00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:01,632
I want Peter
to do something
really humiliating.
222
00:13:01,701 --> 00:13:03,698
Well, what did you
have in mind?
223
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:07,631
He has to shoot and star
in a shot-for-shot
remake of Liar Liar
224
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:09,098
for my amusement.
225
00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:10,799
Do you know why
I stopped you?
226
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:12,598
I didn't fasten my seat belt,
I didn't look in
my rear view mirror,
227
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,166
I didn't signal
when I pulled away
from the curb,
228
00:13:14,235 --> 00:13:16,066
I almost hit a Chevy,
I changed lanes
in the intersection
229
00:13:16,134 --> 00:13:19,598
without signaling,
I changed lanes while running
a red light and speeding.
230
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:21,632
(LAUGHING)
231
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:30,365
Well, Chris, here we are.
232
00:13:30,433 --> 00:13:32,766
Wow, this school
is really nice.
233
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:34,099
Boy, a degree from
here would set you up
with any job you wanted.
234
00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:37,832
Yes, I should
attend this institution.
235
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,999
Perhaps one day
I could be more powerful
than King Friday.
236
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:43,932
I am the supreme ruler
of the Neighborhood of
Make-Believe.
237
00:13:44,001 --> 00:13:46,532
All will kneel before...
238
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,898
(BELL RINGS)
239
00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:50,598
What kind of
freaking king lives
next to the train tracks?
240
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:52,166
What is this, Mexico?
241
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:57,966
Hi, is this Room 214?
242
00:13:58,034 --> 00:13:59,932
Oh, you must be
our new dorm-mate!
243
00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:03,532
I'm Rogers ChapStick,
heir to the
ChapStick fortune.
244
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,433
And this is
Virgil MasterCard,
245
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,299
heir to
the MasterCard fortune.
246
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:13,932
(SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes,
how do you do, sir?
247
00:14:14,001 --> 00:14:16,432
And this is
James Bottomtooth IV.
248
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:18,398
(MUMBLING)
249
00:14:19,235 --> 00:14:20,365
I'm Chris.
250
00:14:20,433 --> 00:14:22,999
Let me get those
bags for you. Johann?
251
00:14:26,534 --> 00:14:28,166
Um...
252
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:31,398
Oh, dear.
Johann tells me your luggage
is the luggage of the poor.
253
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,865
Well, I am poor.
254
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:36,465
Oh. Oh, I see.
255
00:14:48,101 --> 00:14:49,098
What the...
256
00:14:49,167 --> 00:14:50,932
Ow! Ow! Ow!
257
00:14:52,401 --> 00:14:53,965
This school is
not for your kind!
258
00:14:54,034 --> 00:14:55,098
Why?
259
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:56,498
(MUMBLING)
260
00:14:58,634 --> 00:15:01,166
I still don't
fully understand!
261
00:15:10,934 --> 00:15:13,798
And that was the third time
I slept with
Katherine Harris.
262
00:15:13,867 --> 00:15:17,131
Well, I love her politics,
but how is she in bed?
263
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,165
Well, as anyone in
Florida will tell you,
264
00:15:19,233 --> 00:15:20,831
she knows how to
rig an erection.
265
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:22,265
(LAUGHING)
266
00:15:25,101 --> 00:15:26,632
One time I picked my nose
267
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:29,365
and I swear
I could feel
the bottom of my eye.
268
00:15:29,434 --> 00:15:30,732
Shut up, poor kid.
269
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,398
No, I'm serious, look!
270
00:15:38,566 --> 00:15:40,532
So, Chris,
how's the new school?
271
00:15:40,601 --> 00:15:42,765
It's awful!
I hate it!
272
00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:45,332
Everybody's mean to me
because I'm not rich.
273
00:15:45,401 --> 00:15:47,565
Oh, no, Chris,
that's horrible.
274
00:15:47,634 --> 00:15:49,165
All right, look,
I'll tell you what.
275
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:51,765
I'll call Daddy
and I'll see if there's
anything he can do.
276
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:53,799
Good, 'cause I haven't
been this miserable
277
00:15:53,867 --> 00:15:57,298
since I had to throw
Rocky Balboa out of
the Shamrock Meat Company.
278
00:15:57,366 --> 00:16:01,232
Look, I'm sorry,
I can't have you in here
punching the meat.
279
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:04,099
I mean, there's
really not too many things
you can't do in here,
280
00:16:04,168 --> 00:16:05,631
but that is one of them.
281
00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:08,332
What about Paulie?
He's having sex
with the meat.
282
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,531
Hey, Rock,
I'm porking it.
283
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:10,632
(CHUCKLES) That's a good one.
284
00:16:15,034 --> 00:16:16,065
Phew!
285
00:16:16,134 --> 00:16:17,698
Well, that's
enough fun for one day.
286
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:21,165
I'm sweating more
than a non-legacy
applying to Yale.
287
00:16:21,233 --> 00:16:22,565
(ALL LAUGHING)
288
00:16:24,266 --> 00:16:28,464
(SLURRING)
289
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:35,732
(GROANS)
290
00:16:36,901 --> 00:16:38,265
(GASPS)
291
00:16:40,401 --> 00:16:42,166
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)
292
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:46,932
Where am I?
293
00:16:48,234 --> 00:16:50,465
Grandpa?
What are you doing here?
294
00:16:50,534 --> 00:16:53,765
Chris, welcome to
the Skull and Bones Society.
295
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:57,599
This is where the most
powerful men in the world
are groomed for their futures.
296
00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:01,632
Every president, every CEO,
every douche bag
named Ryan Seacrest.
297
00:17:01,701 --> 00:17:05,598
The Skull and Bones Society
has been a part of
my family for decades,
298
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:07,498
and we want you
to become a member.
299
00:17:07,566 --> 00:17:10,765
Really? Wow, cool!
Excellent.
300
00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:12,564
You get your own
stock portfolio,
301
00:17:12,633 --> 00:17:14,698
a percentage of
the 9/11 Victims Fund,
302
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,765
and the best medical care
on the planet.
303
00:17:16,834 --> 00:17:18,799
You'll be kept as
healthy as a horse.
304
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,432
So, how's that leg doing?
305
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,199
Great! Great!
Never better!
306
00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:25,299
Good. Why don't you try
putting some weight on it?
307
00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:27,165
Oh, sure.
308
00:17:27,234 --> 00:17:31,498
Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good!
That feels good! Very strong!
309
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,432
Sorry, Thunder,
I got to put you down.
310
00:17:34,501 --> 00:17:36,032
(SCREAMING)
311
00:17:36,101 --> 00:17:38,465
How's your leg?
Huh? How's your leg?
You ready to race? Huh?
312
00:17:38,534 --> 00:17:40,198
(IMITATES FANFARE)
313
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:45,798
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
314
00:17:45,867 --> 00:17:48,499
Japanese Girls Think
Small Versions of
Things Are Really Cute.
315
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,198
Oh!
316
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:52,232
Look at my tiny dog!
I'm gonna put it
in my tiny purse!
317
00:17:52,301 --> 00:17:53,598
(GIGGLING)
318
00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:55,832
Tiny phone!
Tiny everything!
319
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:58,298
(BOTH GIGGLING)
320
00:17:58,367 --> 00:18:00,432
Peter, have you
seen this tuition bill?
321
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:03,632
Morningwood Academy
is charging us $30,000.
322
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:06,499
Well, looks like
we're all gonna have
to take second jobs.
323
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:08,299
I guess I'll see if
I can get my old gig back,
324
00:18:08,368 --> 00:18:10,465
selling buttscratchers
at the ballpark.
325
00:18:10,534 --> 00:18:13,799
Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher!
Get your buttscratcher here!
326
00:18:13,867 --> 00:18:15,732
Buttscratcher!
Buttscratcher?
327
00:18:15,801 --> 00:18:17,799
Buttscratcher!
Buttscratcher.
328
00:18:17,867 --> 00:18:18,865
Buttscratcher.
329
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:20,898
MAN: Buttscratcher!
Buttscratcher!
330
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,132
Chris, come here,
you'll love this.
331
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,132
The first Thursday
of every month we go
to a local orphanage,
332
00:18:30,201 --> 00:18:33,364
pick out a kid,
fill out all the paperwork,
and then don't take him home.
333
00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:34,498
It's hilarious.
334
00:18:34,566 --> 00:18:36,166
That sounds kind of cruel.
335
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:37,865
No, no, you'll love it.
It's great.
336
00:18:40,333 --> 00:18:43,865
Come on! Come on in!
Your family's
waiting in here!
337
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,032
There are toys and a puppy!
338
00:18:46,101 --> 00:18:48,732
And food that's not served
from warming trays!
339
00:18:48,801 --> 00:18:50,665
(DOG BARKING)
340
00:18:52,134 --> 00:18:54,732
Come on! You got to want it!
341
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,699
Oh, you got to do
better than that!
342
00:18:56,768 --> 00:19:00,599
Okay, I guess you
don't want a new family,
toys and a puppy.
343
00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:07,531
Hi, everybody, I'm home!
344
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,132
Hi, Chris.
Hey, how are you?
345
00:19:09,201 --> 00:19:12,465
Well, tell us
everything, sweetie.
How's school going so far?
346
00:19:12,534 --> 00:19:13,865
It's great, Mom!
347
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:16,632
I got powerful
connections now,
thanks to Grandpa.
348
00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:18,232
Chris, I'd give you a hug,
349
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,965
but I'm exhausted
from working two jobs
to pay your tuition.
350
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,265
I've been
selling buttscratchers.
351
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:23,999
Buttscratcher!
No, Peter.
352
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:25,865
Buttscratcher!
Peter, no!
353
00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:27,632
Buttscratcher!
No!
354
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,265
Buttscratcher.
355
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,498
Dad, you...
356
00:19:30,566 --> 00:19:33,532
You got an extra job
just to put me
through school?
357
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,433
We all did, Chris.
Meg and I have
been working nights.
358
00:19:38,301 --> 00:19:39,932
I'll take
the one on the right!
359
00:19:40,001 --> 00:19:42,899
Well, once again, Meg,
I'll be back in an hour.
360
00:19:42,968 --> 00:19:45,965
And I got a job
following fat people
around with a tuba.
361
00:19:47,801 --> 00:19:49,599
(PLAYING)
362
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:53,399
Stop it! Cut it out!
363
00:19:53,468 --> 00:19:55,732
I have a glandular problem!
364
00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:57,298
(PLAYS OFF-KEY)
365
00:19:57,367 --> 00:19:58,665
That'll be $60.
366
00:20:07,233 --> 00:20:08,865
You wanted to
see me, Grandpa?
367
00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:11,298
Yes, Chris.
Your pledge period is over.
368
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:15,098
The Skull and Bones elders
are now ready to
admit you to our ranks.
369
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:17,365
As is customary
with all our new members,
370
00:20:17,434 --> 00:20:19,632
you now have to
spend seven minutes
in the closet
371
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,265
with our most senior member.
372
00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:24,565
We don't start the clock
until the door closes.
373
00:20:24,634 --> 00:20:27,265
You know, Grandpa,
I don't think I wanna
go through with it.
374
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:29,365
We all had to do it, Chris.
Now get in there.
375
00:20:29,434 --> 00:20:32,298
No, I mean,
I think I wanna go
back to my old school.
376
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:36,965
My family's working so hard
to pay my tuition here,
and I feel bad.
377
00:20:37,034 --> 00:20:40,231
Is there any way
you can get me back
into James Woods High?
378
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,665
Well, I suppose
I could pull some strings,
379
00:20:42,734 --> 00:20:44,431
if that's really
what you want, Chris.
380
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:47,066
It is.
All right, consider it done.
381
00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:48,732
Thanks, Grandpa.
382
00:20:50,034 --> 00:20:52,199
Sorry, Master Herbert.
Sorry?
383
00:20:52,268 --> 00:20:55,398
You better get your ass
in that closet,
Pewterschmidt.
384
00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:57,464
Yes, sir.
385
00:20:57,533 --> 00:20:59,331
I am so tired of you.
386
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,431
It's good to have
you back, buddy.
387
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:08,198
Thanks, Dad.
I didn't really
fit in there anyway.
388
00:21:08,266 --> 00:21:10,498
The rooms were
only 15 by 20.
389
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:11,899
(LAUGHING)
390
00:21:14,034 --> 00:21:16,898
If I didn't learn
to laugh at myself,
I'd be dead right now.
391
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,132
Why don't you take your stuff
up to your room, Chris?
392
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,532
Okay, Mom.
393
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,331
(PLAYING)
394
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:27,932
Cut it out! I'm just
trying to live my life!
395
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,198
No one taught me
about carbs!
396
00:21:30,267 --> 00:21:31,498
(PLAYS OFF-KEY)