1 00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:06,132 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:06,201 --> 00:00:09,432 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:12,932 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,999 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,264 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:22,598 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,265 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:24,334 --> 00:00:25,966 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:31,165 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:36,367 --> 00:00:37,932 ANNOUNCER: This Tuesday on Lifetime, 11 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,166 Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie. 12 00:00:41,234 --> 00:00:43,965 You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, 13 00:00:44,034 --> 00:00:45,699 but all you did was rape me. 14 00:00:45,768 --> 00:00:47,832 I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. 15 00:00:47,901 --> 00:00:49,799 Well, you're right, about the rape part, 16 00:00:49,868 --> 00:00:51,799 but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. 17 00:00:51,868 --> 00:00:52,866 (CRYING) 18 00:00:54,067 --> 00:00:55,698 ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... 19 00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:59,431 (ANNOUNCER READING) 20 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:03,665 Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger? 21 00:01:03,733 --> 00:01:05,331 Really? Where did you read that? 22 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,865 In People magazine. 23 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,398 (EXCLAIMS) 24 00:01:08,466 --> 00:01:10,364 Jillian, can you run and get me a beer from the kitchen? 25 00:01:10,433 --> 00:01:12,132 Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. 26 00:01:12,201 --> 00:01:14,498 Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight? 27 00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:17,299 Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice. 28 00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:18,398 (EXCLAIMS) 29 00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:20,032 I want to go. 30 00:01:20,101 --> 00:01:22,431 Well, Peter, if you want, you can have my ticket. 31 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,465 What? But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go. 32 00:01:25,533 --> 00:01:28,999 Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. 33 00:01:29,068 --> 00:01:30,098 (EXCLAIMS) 34 00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:31,765 It's not really my cup of tea. 35 00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:34,565 Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. 36 00:01:34,633 --> 00:01:39,465 So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. 37 00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:44,531 Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? 38 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:45,598 (EXCLAIMS) 39 00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:50,665 Oh, God, yes! 40 00:01:50,734 --> 00:01:54,132 I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume. 41 00:01:54,934 --> 00:01:56,199 Ready. 42 00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,932 Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside 43 00:02:05,001 --> 00:02:07,032 and make the immigrant kids jealous. 44 00:02:08,934 --> 00:02:11,832 Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure 45 00:02:11,901 --> 00:02:15,132 because my family has disposable income. Here you go. 46 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:16,332 What is this? 47 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,865 It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you. 48 00:02:18,934 --> 00:02:20,365 Hey, Meg. Hi, Carl. 49 00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:21,898 Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? 50 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,532 Are you, like, a bitch or something? 51 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,765 No, I have friends. 52 00:02:24,833 --> 00:02:25,965 Oh. 53 00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:27,898 Well, you should bring some of them in here. 54 00:02:27,967 --> 00:02:29,931 Any of them have braces? Yeah. 55 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,065 I love braces. My mom has them. 56 00:02:34,134 --> 00:02:38,398 Well, listen... I need disposable diapers, but it looks like you're out. 57 00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:41,299 Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom. Hang on. 58 00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,932 Oh, Vince Vaughn's on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. 59 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,265 Here's my summary of every Vince Vaughn movie. 60 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,498 "Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. 61 00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:50,565 "Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end." 62 00:02:50,634 --> 00:02:53,832 I don't even want to look at his face. 63 00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:55,899 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 64 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:59,465 Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up. 65 00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:03,266 Carl, I'm so sorry. 66 00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:06,366 Wow, Meg, you alphabetized all the magazines. 67 00:03:06,434 --> 00:03:07,532 Hey, you want a job? 68 00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:10,799 What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure. 69 00:03:10,868 --> 00:03:12,199 Great. You start tomorrow. 70 00:03:16,701 --> 00:03:18,465 Hey, Chris. Hey, Meg. 71 00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,832 I don't have any money, 72 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,932 so I'm going to have to pay for these comic books with my poo. 73 00:03:24,001 --> 00:03:25,531 Chris, how come you don't have any money? 74 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:26,999 I thought you had a paper route. 75 00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:30,232 Well, I'm taking a sabbatical to focus on my pottery. 76 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,298 Oh. How's that working out? 77 00:03:32,366 --> 00:03:34,232 Not good, Meg, not good. 78 00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:37,165 Well, maybe I could talk to Carl and get you a job here. 79 00:03:37,233 --> 00:03:38,465 You could do that? 80 00:03:38,534 --> 00:03:41,165 Absolutely. Carl totally trusts me. 81 00:03:41,234 --> 00:03:43,698 You and I will be the best brother-sister team 82 00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:45,698 since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. 83 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,166 I'm more off-putting. 84 00:03:47,234 --> 00:03:48,798 No, I'm more off-putting. 85 00:03:48,867 --> 00:03:51,299 I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. 86 00:03:51,368 --> 00:03:53,399 Well, I'm a bigger box office drag. 87 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,498 Kids, kids. You're both... 88 00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:56,932 Just awful. 89 00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:01,365 Oh, hi, Brian. 90 00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:03,365 I thought you were spending the day with Jillian. 91 00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:05,765 I was, but Peter took her off my hands. 92 00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:08,432 Perfect timing. I've been feeling a little smothered lately. 93 00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:10,798 Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. 94 00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:12,498 And I finally have a title. 95 00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:13,798 Oh, what is it? 96 00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:16,632 "Faster Than the Speed of Love." 97 00:04:16,701 --> 00:04:18,099 (LAUGHING) 98 00:04:20,067 --> 00:04:22,265 That is the worst title I've ever heard. 99 00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:25,332 No, it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, 100 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,932 who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country. 101 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,232 (LAUGHING) 102 00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,298 That's the movie Iron Eagle. 103 00:04:32,367 --> 00:04:36,199 What? Is that... Is that a recent film? 104 00:04:36,267 --> 00:04:38,498 They made three sequels! 105 00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,032 Yeah, well, in mine, 106 00:04:40,101 --> 00:04:42,032 the boy's got to gather all these old World War II pilots 107 00:04:42,101 --> 00:04:44,332 to help him rescue his father. 108 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:48,598 That's one of the sequels! 109 00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:51,965 Well, well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, 110 00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,899 but they accept him anyway. 111 00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:55,199 (CONTINUES LAUGHING) 112 00:04:55,268 --> 00:04:57,532 I'm going to pee in my pants! 113 00:05:00,201 --> 00:05:03,332 Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter. 114 00:05:03,401 --> 00:05:05,966 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 115 00:05:06,034 --> 00:05:08,665 That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing. 116 00:05:08,734 --> 00:05:09,999 (CHUCKLING) 117 00:05:10,067 --> 00:05:12,332 Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it, 118 00:05:12,401 --> 00:05:14,632 it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off. 119 00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:17,199 It should've been Ferris Bueller's Day On, 120 00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:19,065 'cause that was all the stuff he wanted to do. 121 00:05:19,134 --> 00:05:21,932 Yeah! And he was so on that day, 122 00:05:22,001 --> 00:05:24,132 so it kind of works on two levels. 123 00:05:24,201 --> 00:05:25,665 Well, I don't know what you mean by that, 124 00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:27,299 but how about that Cameron, huh? 125 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:29,632 Oh, definitely. Am I right? 126 00:05:29,701 --> 00:05:31,499 It was his day off, too. 127 00:05:31,567 --> 00:05:33,598 That is just what I was going to... His day off... 128 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,299 That is just what I was going to say. 129 00:05:35,367 --> 00:05:37,899 You know, you are a catch, young lady. You know that? 130 00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:40,498 I don't know when the hell Brian is going to open his eyes 131 00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:41,631 and get serious with you. 132 00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:42,731 (SIGHS) 133 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,199 I really wish he would. 134 00:05:44,267 --> 00:05:47,398 It'd be so great if we were at least living together. 135 00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:49,731 Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. 136 00:05:49,801 --> 00:05:51,999 Either he commits to you, or you're gone. 137 00:05:52,068 --> 00:05:54,332 What the hell did you do? 138 00:05:54,401 --> 00:05:57,331 Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! 139 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,599 Well, I think you should, Brian. 140 00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,199 She's beautiful, she's funny, 141 00:06:00,267 --> 00:06:02,999 and she is smart as the day is wide. 142 00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:05,333 Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian. 143 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,232 Well, it sounds like she does. 144 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:10,631 And if you're never going to get serious, 145 00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:11,999 then you're not being fair to her. 146 00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,498 I mean, what are you, Brian? 147 00:06:13,566 --> 00:06:16,731 One of those creepy guys who just uses a woman for sex? 148 00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:18,865 Because Jillian deserves better. 149 00:06:18,934 --> 00:06:21,132 She has feelings, you know, 150 00:06:21,201 --> 00:06:24,331 and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship 151 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,832 with some expectation 152 00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:28,431 that it could grow into something much more significant, 153 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:31,132 and if you're just stringing her along, 154 00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:34,398 well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. 155 00:06:34,466 --> 00:06:36,331 You don't really think I'm like that, do you? 156 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,098 Prove me wrong. 157 00:06:38,167 --> 00:06:39,232 All right, I will, Lois. 158 00:06:39,301 --> 00:06:41,032 I will ask her to move in with me, 159 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:43,032 and you'll see, I've got what it takes. 160 00:06:43,101 --> 00:06:44,298 See, that wasn't so bad, was it? 161 00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:45,398 (GROANS) 162 00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:47,698 I got to say, that was fantastic. 163 00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:50,231 What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? 164 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,665 Sounds good to me. 165 00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:58,132 MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. 166 00:06:58,201 --> 00:07:00,299 QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. 167 00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:02,832 HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? 168 00:07:02,901 --> 00:07:03,932 (HOMER SHOUTS) 169 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,232 Get off my wife! 170 00:07:05,301 --> 00:07:06,665 QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! 171 00:07:06,734 --> 00:07:08,198 (GUN FIRING) 172 00:07:08,267 --> 00:07:11,132 MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! 173 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,299 (GUN FIRES) 174 00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:13,432 BART: Ay Caramba! 175 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,998 Mum and Dad are dead! 176 00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,332 (GUN FIRES) 177 00:07:16,401 --> 00:07:19,865 LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? 178 00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:20,932 (GUN FIRES) 179 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:22,865 (MAGGIE SUCKING) 180 00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:26,765 (GUN FIRES) 181 00:07:33,534 --> 00:07:35,198 Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian, 182 00:07:35,267 --> 00:07:37,331 this move is really working out great. 183 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,132 It just feels right, you know. 184 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,398 Cool. Rock on, Brian. 185 00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:42,632 Okay, done. 186 00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:44,299 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 187 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,299 Stewie. Hey. What's up? 188 00:07:47,368 --> 00:07:49,598 Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. 189 00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:52,199 Figured before I stopped by the apothecary, I'd come here, 190 00:07:52,268 --> 00:07:54,433 and then it's off to the haberdasher. 191 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,366 These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for you? 192 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,298 Not really. Did you use the jokes? 193 00:07:59,366 --> 00:08:01,265 Yeah, they're not landing. 194 00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:04,265 Got your mail. So, how's it going? 195 00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:06,498 I tell you, Stewie, it's going great. 196 00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:09,265 And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent. 197 00:08:09,334 --> 00:08:11,465 I'll be lucky if I can make it to the end of the month. 198 00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:12,799 Sounds like you need a roommate. 199 00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,198 Where did you get that kind of money? 200 00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:15,298 I picked up Chris's paper route. 201 00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:24,132 Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. 202 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,232 That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. 203 00:08:26,301 --> 00:08:28,399 Piss off, you perverted old freak! 204 00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,132 Oh, we got a fighter. 205 00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:36,032 Wow, you were almost in a dirt bike race? 206 00:08:36,101 --> 00:08:38,498 Yeah, yeah, I filled out most of the paperwork, too. 207 00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:41,365 You are the coolest guy I have ever met. 208 00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:42,465 Yeah? 209 00:08:42,534 --> 00:08:43,999 Hey, guys. 210 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:46,632 Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me. 211 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,932 You know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? 212 00:08:49,001 --> 00:08:50,499 I need Chris up here with me. 213 00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:52,098 But the boxes are really heavy. 214 00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,132 Oh, that's 'cause there's a bunch of stuff in them. 215 00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,032 Chris? 216 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,132 (LAUGHING) 217 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,699 Yeah. 218 00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:00,932 Chris, you ever see the movie Cruel Intentions? 219 00:09:01,001 --> 00:09:02,731 No. 220 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,265 Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out. It's pretty hot. 221 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,131 47 minutes, 16 seconds in. 222 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,699 No way. Yeah, yeah. 223 00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:11,098 You know what's another great movie? 224 00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:13,431 Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly. 225 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,731 I mean, that's one of those movies that... 226 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,665 I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie. 227 00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:22,498 She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've got to say, 228 00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:27,198 the direction was excellent, but I was very disappointed that she... 229 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,831 Wore clothes the entire film. 230 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,565 Was she hot in it? 231 00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:36,132 Yeah, in the way that, like, classy women with expensive clothing 232 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,965 who never take them off are hot, you know? 233 00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:41,298 No. All right. 234 00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:43,098 So, like, you see a hot girl, 235 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,831 and you're, like, "Okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty 236 00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:47,265 "'cause you've definitely worked at it 237 00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:50,598 "with the clothing, and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." 238 00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:53,931 But secretly, I'm just, like, "Hey, man... 239 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,398 "Where is the chase and how do I cut to it?" 240 00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:58,898 Wow, you're smart. 241 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,298 What? 242 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,932 Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. 243 00:10:09,001 --> 00:10:12,132 He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. 244 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:17,331 You're so fatherly. It really turns me on. 245 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:21,065 STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers. 246 00:10:21,133 --> 00:10:22,531 They're in the cabinet. 247 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,032 I don't see them. 248 00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:27,364 They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking at? 249 00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:29,232 Can't you just come in here? 250 00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,832 No, I'm busy! 251 00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:32,398 (CLATTERING) 252 00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:37,298 Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! 253 00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:39,698 Oh, no! Oh, no! 254 00:10:39,768 --> 00:10:42,698 Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! 255 00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:46,665 Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! 256 00:10:46,734 --> 00:10:47,932 Just use a dish towel! 257 00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:49,298 There aren't any, Brian! 258 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:53,565 You need to come in here! Oh! We are gonna have ants! 259 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,832 (EXCLAIMS) A hundred points. 260 00:11:00,901 --> 00:11:03,065 Meg, clean up aisle two. 261 00:11:03,134 --> 00:11:05,765 What the hell is this? I am not cleaning this up. 262 00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:08,432 Meg, less talkie, more sweepie. 263 00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,531 Shut up, Chris! 264 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,132 You can't tell me what to do. 265 00:11:11,201 --> 00:11:13,465 Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can. 266 00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:14,598 Supervisor? 267 00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:15,932 Yeah, I promoted him this morning. 268 00:11:16,001 --> 00:11:18,066 Promoted me this morning. What? 269 00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:21,431 Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. 270 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:22,999 Meg, things change. 271 00:11:23,068 --> 00:11:25,264 Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread? 272 00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:26,532 No. 273 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,731 Well, go see that movie and absorb its message, 274 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,932 and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. 275 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,366 Carl, this isn't fair! 276 00:11:32,435 --> 00:11:34,066 All right, then, you're fired. 277 00:11:34,134 --> 00:11:37,365 What? But... No, you can't... 278 00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:39,232 (CRYING) 279 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:43,098 Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine. 280 00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:47,098 Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way? 281 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:48,698 Mary Stuart Masterson. 282 00:11:48,767 --> 00:11:51,465 Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her, 283 00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:53,698 "'cause she could be your brother" kind of thing. 284 00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:57,198 Like, she's gettable, you know? Like Elisabeth Shue. 285 00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:59,331 Oh, I remember her. Yeah. 286 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:04,732 You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas in addition to Adventures in Babysitting. 287 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,532 One of those underrated actresses 288 00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,365 that was always talented and beautiful, 289 00:12:08,434 --> 00:12:10,532 and never quite popped, if you know the meaning. 290 00:12:10,601 --> 00:12:12,865 Who, Elisabeth Shue? Yeah. 291 00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:17,132 Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas. 292 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:21,265 And still so hot. Like... 293 00:12:21,334 --> 00:12:22,599 I don't see art films. 294 00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,365 Like, like, crazy hot. 295 00:12:24,434 --> 00:12:27,765 Yeah, it's about 39 minutes, 45 seconds in. 296 00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,632 Oh. It's a really exceptional sequence. 297 00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:32,665 I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol. 298 00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:35,765 He's a... He's a failed writer who just decides that, 299 00:12:35,833 --> 00:12:37,898 "Oh, I'm going to have a big last hurrah in Las Vegas." 300 00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:42,165 And then he meets a whore and pays her a bunch of money to stay with him, 301 00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:45,298 and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. 302 00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:46,898 And, you know, she's game for it, 303 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,831 but she catches feelings midway through 304 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,331 and the whole thing changes. 305 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,932 Wow, have you seen Cocktail? 306 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,965 Yeah, yeah. She was in that. 307 00:12:55,034 --> 00:12:56,932 She was in that. Yeah. 308 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,732 (JILLIAN AND BRIAN CHUCKLING) 309 00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:07,432 BRIAN: You like that? 310 00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:08,932 Yeah, it's rad. 311 00:13:09,001 --> 00:13:11,731 BRIAN: Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom. 312 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,966 Brian, are you guys up? 313 00:13:14,034 --> 00:13:15,199 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 314 00:13:15,268 --> 00:13:16,365 Go back to bed. 315 00:13:16,433 --> 00:13:18,066 But I'm not tired. 316 00:13:18,133 --> 00:13:20,032 And I'm lonely. 317 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,599 Oh, come, get in bed with us. 318 00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:24,265 Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." 319 00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:26,231 No, no, Stewie, go away! 320 00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,032 Brian, don't be mean to him. 321 00:13:28,101 --> 00:13:31,264 Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. 322 00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:32,565 What did he say? 323 00:13:32,634 --> 00:13:34,165 Nothing. 324 00:13:34,234 --> 00:13:37,432 That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. 325 00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:38,832 Is that true? 326 00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,098 All right, yes, fine, it's true. 327 00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:42,899 Why didn't you say anything? 328 00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:45,465 Because you wanted me to move in so badly, 329 00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:47,265 and God knows I didn't want to... 330 00:13:47,334 --> 00:13:50,598 Wait... You didn't want to move in with me? 331 00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:52,766 Well, honestly, no. 332 00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:56,599 Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! 333 00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,065 Really? Really? 334 00:13:58,134 --> 00:14:00,132 Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! 335 00:14:00,201 --> 00:14:02,232 We're through! 336 00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:03,665 Jillian, wait! 337 00:14:03,734 --> 00:14:04,765 Damn it. 338 00:14:04,834 --> 00:14:05,932 I'm sorry, Brian. 339 00:14:06,001 --> 00:14:07,465 You'll feel better in the morning. 340 00:14:07,534 --> 00:14:08,532 (SIGHS) 341 00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,931 STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do? 342 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,365 You should have sex with somebody else 343 00:14:13,433 --> 00:14:15,565 just to get back at her for walking out on you. 344 00:14:15,634 --> 00:14:16,831 Just have sex with somebody. 345 00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:19,165 Anybody. Just don't even think about it. 346 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,198 The next person you see. The very next person you see. 347 00:14:31,801 --> 00:14:34,265 She's gone, Jillian's gone. 348 00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:35,965 Look, Brian, I know you're upset now, 349 00:14:36,034 --> 00:14:38,899 but I think it's important to see things in perspective. 350 00:14:38,967 --> 00:14:42,465 Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend? 351 00:14:42,534 --> 00:14:45,832 And then he got another one, and everything was all right? 352 00:14:45,901 --> 00:14:48,998 And then he got Parkinson's. Yikes. 353 00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:50,765 You know, Stewie, you're right. 354 00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:53,165 This is not a loss, it's an opportunity. 355 00:14:53,233 --> 00:14:56,098 I'm free now. I've got my own place, no attachments. 356 00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:57,731 There you are. 357 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,465 That's just the kind of can-do spirit that built this nation. 358 00:15:00,534 --> 00:15:03,299 "We hold these truths to be self-evident, 359 00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:05,465 "that all men are created equal." 360 00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:07,199 MAN: Except the Jews. 361 00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:10,265 Franklin, for the fifth time, I'm sorry you overpaid for your house, 362 00:15:10,334 --> 00:15:11,465 but it's not going in. 363 00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:12,765 You'll be sorry. 364 00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:14,265 Noted. Moving on. 365 00:15:17,234 --> 00:15:19,431 So, Meg, any luck finding another job? 366 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:22,331 No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. 367 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:26,165 The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it. 368 00:15:26,234 --> 00:15:32,299 What am I wearing? A hat and glasses. 369 00:15:33,101 --> 00:15:35,731 What kind of underwear? 370 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,066 I don't know. 371 00:15:37,134 --> 00:15:40,798 Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? 372 00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:44,765 Oh, what would I do to you? Well... 373 00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:50,099 I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. 374 00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:51,732 All right, I am totally flaccid, 375 00:15:51,801 --> 00:15:54,398 but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time. 376 00:15:54,466 --> 00:15:56,198 Mom, check it out! 377 00:15:56,267 --> 00:16:00,498 I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired. 378 00:16:00,567 --> 00:16:03,099 Oh, shut up, you bastard! 379 00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:05,165 Chris, we should have a talk about Meg. 380 00:16:05,234 --> 00:16:07,366 She's really upset that she got fired. 381 00:16:07,435 --> 00:16:10,433 Gee, I didn't realize working at the store meant that much to her. 382 00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:14,166 You know, it would mean the world to her if she could get her job back. 383 00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:17,299 And you'd be one terrific brother if you could help her. 384 00:16:17,368 --> 00:16:20,565 Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try. Poor Meg. 385 00:16:20,633 --> 00:16:25,899 She got a worse deal than that no-armed baseball player, Bucky LaGrange. 386 00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:28,365 ANNOUNCER: Groundball to shortstop. The throw is to second, 387 00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:32,698 and again, the ball sails past LaGrange into right field. 388 00:16:32,768 --> 00:16:37,431 The runners will score and a cascade of "boos" rain down from the stands, 389 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:42,665 as clearly the fans' sympathy for this scrappy, little no-armed man has run out. 390 00:16:42,733 --> 00:16:44,965 Now, granted, the throw was a little wide, 391 00:16:45,034 --> 00:16:48,232 but you've got to believe that a two-armed player would've made the catch. 392 00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:51,598 In fact, a one-armed player would have at least had a shot at it, 393 00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:54,331 which calls to mind the question once again, 394 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,899 why, with all the two-armed youngsters waiting in the minor leagues, 395 00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:00,498 does this team stick with an armless second baseman? 396 00:17:00,566 --> 00:17:02,698 JERRY: And he hasn't had a hit in ever. 397 00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:05,365 In ever, Jerry. In ever. 398 00:17:11,801 --> 00:17:14,299 What the hell? What are you people doing in my apartment? 399 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,065 Hey! You made it. 400 00:17:17,134 --> 00:17:18,532 What is all this? What's going on? 401 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,365 You, that's what's going on. 402 00:17:20,434 --> 00:17:22,198 Come on, time for you to meet some women 403 00:17:22,266 --> 00:17:24,832 who are gonna make you forget about Jillian. 404 00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,565 Looks like there's a lot of gay guys here. 405 00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:28,965 Yeah, everybody's having a good time. 406 00:17:29,034 --> 00:17:31,365 Brian, I want to introduce you to Joanna. 407 00:17:31,433 --> 00:17:33,866 Look out for this one, she's a bit of a card. 408 00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:36,066 Okay, here's one for you. 409 00:17:36,134 --> 00:17:38,866 What food can't make up its mind? 410 00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,032 This is gonna be good. 411 00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:42,565 (LAUGHING) 412 00:17:42,633 --> 00:17:44,398 A waffle. 413 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,531 (BOTH LAUGHING) 414 00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:54,032 This one. Didn't I warn you, right? Right? 415 00:17:58,467 --> 00:17:59,465 How are you still single? 416 00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:06,298 Hey there, buddy. Check it out. Check it out. 417 00:18:06,366 --> 00:18:10,098 I put a cruller in the Jerry's Kids jar. I thought that would be funny. 418 00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:14,365 That is hilarious, but, Carl, I want you to hire my sister back. 419 00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:16,065 No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass. 420 00:18:16,134 --> 00:18:17,899 I don't want her back in here. 421 00:18:17,967 --> 00:18:22,332 Well, that's a shame, because I watched Event Horizon last night. 422 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,599 No way! We have to talk about it! 423 00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:27,431 Yeah, well, my memory is kind of hazy. 424 00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:30,165 We have to talk about every scene, man. 425 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:34,166 Hey, hey, hey! Remember when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode? 426 00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:35,565 Wasn't that awesome? 427 00:18:35,634 --> 00:18:37,698 Please agree with me that, that was awesome. 428 00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:40,698 Well, if you hire Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion. 429 00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:43,965 She's hired, she's hired! What do you think of it? 430 00:18:44,034 --> 00:18:45,331 It was awesome! 431 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,498 Wasn't it awesome? 432 00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:47,932 It was totally awesome! 433 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:51,498 It was the most awesome thing ever! Hug me! 434 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,265 Hey, how you doing, Brian? 435 00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:57,699 Lousy. 436 00:18:57,767 --> 00:19:01,765 I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. 437 00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:04,899 Brian and Jinx are friends. 438 00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:06,264 Get that out of here. 439 00:19:06,333 --> 00:19:09,565 Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV? 440 00:19:14,534 --> 00:19:17,265 (ROBOT SPEAKING) 441 00:19:21,168 --> 00:19:23,598 Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, 442 00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:24,966 and leave me alone. 443 00:19:25,034 --> 00:19:26,832 It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. 444 00:19:26,901 --> 00:19:30,732 My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. 445 00:19:30,801 --> 00:19:32,732 You let the fat man talk you into moving out. 446 00:19:32,801 --> 00:19:34,265 You let Jillian walk out the door. 447 00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,099 Stop getting pushed around. 448 00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:38,999 Be a man. If you want her, go get her. 449 00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,432 You know something? You are absolutely right. 450 00:19:41,501 --> 00:19:45,165 It is time for me to take charge of my own life. 451 00:19:45,234 --> 00:19:48,732 Stand aside, I got to get my girl back. 452 00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:51,432 Go, get her, Brian. 453 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,932 (SIGHING) 454 00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:06,398 Hi. 455 00:20:06,467 --> 00:20:07,866 Hi, Brian. 456 00:20:07,934 --> 00:20:09,398 What are you doing here? 457 00:20:09,466 --> 00:20:12,765 Jillian, look, I made a huge mistake. 458 00:20:12,834 --> 00:20:14,398 I don't want to lose you. 459 00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:16,765 You know, you really hurt me, Brian. 460 00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:18,832 And I can't let you do that again. 461 00:20:18,901 --> 00:20:20,732 Look, I won't. I promise. 462 00:20:20,801 --> 00:20:22,331 I don't know how to tell you this, 463 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,499 but you're too late. I met someone else. 464 00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:27,765 Jillian, do you get the Oxygen Network? 465 00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:30,932 If I miss my Moesha, I get a bit crabby. 466 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,665 In a minute, Adam. 467 00:20:33,768 --> 00:20:36,698 Well, I guess this is good-bye. 468 00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:38,432 Please don't send me away. 469 00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:40,098 I have to. 470 00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:41,899 You broke my heart. 471 00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:05,965 Well, Meg, you got your job back. 472 00:21:06,034 --> 00:21:09,532 Actually, Chris, I don't. I really appreciate what you did for me, 473 00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,798 but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. 474 00:21:12,867 --> 00:21:14,966 The important thing is that you stood up for me, 475 00:21:15,034 --> 00:21:16,531 and I won't forget it. 476 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,532 Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, 477 00:21:18,601 --> 00:21:20,232 but it is good to have you back. 478 00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:21,765 Kind of sucks though. 479 00:21:21,833 --> 00:21:24,899 I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. 480 00:21:24,968 --> 00:21:26,866 You know what the mistake was, moving in together. 481 00:21:26,934 --> 00:21:29,598 Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. 482 00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:30,932 Hey, and look on the bright side. 483 00:21:31,001 --> 00:21:31,931 Maybe you got another chapter for your book. 484 00:21:36,734 --> 00:21:39,132 Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. 485 00:21:39,201 --> 00:21:41,332 Welcome home, asshole!