1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:06,065
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,134 --> 00:00:09,364
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,433 --> 00:00:12,998
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:16,032
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:19,398
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,467 --> 00:00:22,698
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:24,298
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:26,032
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:31,132
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:36,865
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
11
00:00:36,934 --> 00:00:39,665
Dr. Terry Fabulous:
Homosexual Gynecologist.
12
00:00:39,734 --> 00:00:41,965
Okay, Mrs. Robinson,
let's take a look.
13
00:00:42,034 --> 00:00:43,198
Ew!
14
00:00:43,267 --> 00:00:44,165
It looks like
a sad, old man.
15
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:48,765
Hey, check it out, you guys.
I got a new cell phone
that takes pictures.
16
00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:51,665
Look, look,
I took a picture
of Lois' poo.
17
00:00:51,733 --> 00:00:53,131
(ALL LAUGHING)
18
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,865
She should've
handed out cigars
after that one.
19
00:00:55,934 --> 00:00:57,765
That's hilarious.
You should
e-mail that to me.
20
00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,765
Hey, did you guys
see the game last night?
21
00:00:59,833 --> 00:01:00,831
Oh, yeah.
22
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,965
That offensive line
is outstanding.
23
00:01:03,034 --> 00:01:04,032
Yeah, you should
e-mail me that picture.
24
00:01:04,101 --> 00:01:05,132
Hey, boys.
25
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,266
What the hell
are you guys
doing here?
26
00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:10,632
We just decided
to have
a little girls' night out.
27
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:14,899
Yeah. You guys talk about
this place all the time.
We figured we'd give it a try.
28
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:17,498
Bernice, we haven't
really been dating
long enough
29
00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:20,165
for you to be hanging out
with my friends' wives.
30
00:01:20,234 --> 00:01:21,998
Shut up, Cleveland!
Okay.
31
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:23,632
(EXCLAIMS)
32
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:27,365
Check it out, girls.
Jukebox, huh?
Hey, you guys want to dance?
33
00:01:27,434 --> 00:01:28,565
Yeah, totally.
34
00:01:28,634 --> 00:01:29,665
Hell, yeah.
35
00:01:29,734 --> 00:01:31,765
(WOMEN CHUCKLING)
36
00:01:31,833 --> 00:01:33,331
(I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING)
37
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,298
Oh, my God,
this sucks.
38
00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:40,132
The Clam's the only place
we got to get away
from the women.
39
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,364
This is a bigger disaster
than Jack Black's last movie.
40
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:48,032
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Jack Black
in The Unconventional Butler.
41
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:50,032
Edgar, could you
bring me some tea?
42
00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:54,099
Yeah! Yeah!
43
00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:57,699
Wait a minute.
Butlers are supposed to be
fancy and well-mannered.
44
00:01:57,767 --> 00:02:00,199
This guy's screaming
and waving
his arms around.
45
00:02:00,267 --> 00:02:03,731
You're an old man.
You don't understand
the young people.
46
00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,798
You're right.
I'll change from now on.
47
00:02:08,801 --> 00:02:11,298
Oh, my God,
that was so much fun.
48
00:02:11,366 --> 00:02:14,898
You know, boys,
we just might make
this our regular spot.
49
00:02:19,101 --> 00:02:20,799
Peter? Peter?
50
00:02:20,868 --> 00:02:23,233
Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe.
I just had one of my Scrubs
fantasy moments.
51
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:24,932
It's the best show
you're not watching.
52
00:02:25,001 --> 00:02:29,099
I hate shows that
cut away from the story
for some bullshit.
53
00:02:34,001 --> 00:02:35,298
Fellas, our way of life
is being threatened,
54
00:02:35,366 --> 00:02:36,932
and we got to do
something about it.
55
00:02:37,001 --> 00:02:38,631
Couldn't we just ask
the women to leave?
56
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,265
No, no.
57
00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:43,598
I got something
way more expensive and
time-consuming in mind.
58
00:02:43,667 --> 00:02:47,332
Well, men,
the Quahog Men's Club
is complete.
59
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,499
It took six weeks
and cost $8,000,
but it was worth it.
60
00:02:51,567 --> 00:02:54,998
Peter, I wish you'd get
rid of this thing.
It's an absolute eyesore.
61
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,465
What do you care, Lois?
62
00:02:56,533 --> 00:02:58,999
You girls got The Clam.
We got
the Quahog Men's Club.
63
00:02:59,068 --> 00:03:00,532
Besides, we're not
hurting anybody.
64
00:03:00,601 --> 00:03:01,965
What are you talking about?
65
00:03:02,034 --> 00:03:04,831
You ripped
a whole chunk of wall
out of the house.
66
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:08,499
STEWIE: What is this?
There's something wrong
with the house.
67
00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:10,565
I don't like change!
68
00:03:10,634 --> 00:03:13,965
Peter, you can't just
slap together flimsy
structures in the yard.
69
00:03:14,034 --> 00:03:15,498
Why not?
Herbert did it.
70
00:03:15,567 --> 00:03:17,899
♪ Y-M-C-A
71
00:03:17,968 --> 00:03:22,699
♪ It's fun to stay
at the Y-M-C-A ♪
72
00:03:23,634 --> 00:03:24,632
(SIGHS)
73
00:03:28,034 --> 00:03:29,298
All right, Peter,
this is a tough one.
74
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:30,932
All right, are you
ready for this? Okay.
75
00:03:31,001 --> 00:03:32,965
Would you have sex
with Cleveland
76
00:03:33,034 --> 00:03:35,798
if it meant
you could have sex
with Angelina Jolie?
77
00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:37,732
Uh...
78
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,032
Yeah. Yeah,
I'd probably do it.
79
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:40,232
Hang on, hang on.
80
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,265
Missionary,
and you have to
look him in the eye.
81
00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:45,899
No closing your eyes
and pretending
it's somebody else.
82
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:47,065
I think,
still, yes.
83
00:03:47,134 --> 00:03:48,565
Thank you, Peter.
84
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:51,032
All right, here's another one.
Who would
you rather have sex with?
85
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:55,198
A very pregnant Gina Gershon,
or Jenny McCarthy
after a car accident?
86
00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:56,531
Oh, hey, hang on,
hang on.
87
00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:58,498
Look, you know,
I know this is
a men's club,
88
00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:00,932
but why does it always
have to be about sex?
89
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,165
Okay, look, how about this?
How about this?
90
00:04:03,233 --> 00:04:05,732
Who would you rather start
a small business with?
91
00:04:05,801 --> 00:04:09,731
Janet Reno, after a safari,
or the fat guy
from My Name is Earl.
92
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,032
That still sounds like
a sex question.
93
00:04:11,101 --> 00:04:12,599
It is not.
94
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:13,999
Well, then what the hell
does "safari"
have to do with it?
95
00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:16,199
What's the guy
from Earl's
credit rating?
96
00:04:16,267 --> 00:04:17,299
Six fifty-one.
97
00:04:17,368 --> 00:04:19,232
That's not bad.
Better than mine.
98
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,732
Does he have an idea,
or do I have to
come up with it myself?
99
00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:24,999
He's got an idea,
but it's not quite there.
100
00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:26,565
I'd have to give it
to Janet Reno,
101
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,966
'cause I've always
had this business plan
102
00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:30,165
for home delivery
of prescription
medications,
103
00:04:30,234 --> 00:04:31,866
and that seems like
it's more her market.
104
00:04:31,934 --> 00:04:35,165
This is stupid.
I want to
talk about vaginas!
105
00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:37,398
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
106
00:04:37,466 --> 00:04:39,032
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
107
00:04:41,467 --> 00:04:45,266
Well, I'd say the Men's Club
inaugural ball
is a huge success.
108
00:04:45,334 --> 00:04:46,999
Hey, guys,
let's play
a party game.
109
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:48,665
Let's go stand
over near Brian,
110
00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:51,766
and we'll take a drink
every time
he says "bonerific".
111
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,899
"Bonerific"?
Yeah, it's his catch phrase.
112
00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:54,999
He says it
all the time.
113
00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:56,099
Yeah, sure. I'm in.
Okay.
114
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:57,166
Yeah, let's do it.
115
00:04:57,233 --> 00:04:59,732
(CHUCKLING)
116
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,631
Hey, hey, Brian,
how you feeling tonight?
117
00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:05,032
Good.
Having a nice time.
118
00:05:05,101 --> 00:05:08,665
Are you feeling terrific,
or any variation
on that word?
119
00:05:08,734 --> 00:05:12,398
Oh, sure. No complaints.
My skin's a little dry.
120
00:05:12,466 --> 00:05:14,399
He's not
saying it, Peter.
121
00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:16,132
(WHISPERING)
122
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,199
What?
123
00:05:18,268 --> 00:05:20,331
No. Why would I say that?
It's not even a word.
124
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,132
What isn't a word?
"Bonerific."
125
00:05:22,201 --> 00:05:24,532
(ALL LAUGHING)
126
00:05:24,601 --> 00:05:28,198
Didn't I tell you?
You can't keep this guy
from saying it.
127
00:05:28,266 --> 00:05:30,065
Boy, great party,
huh, Fred?
128
00:05:30,134 --> 00:05:33,732
Yeah. You know, Barn,
I figured
I ought to tell you this.
129
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,232
I was walking by
your house
the other day,
130
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:40,231
and I poked my head
in the window,
and Betty was undressing.
131
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:42,899
Now, she saw me there,
but she didn't stop.
132
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:44,631
What?
She didn't stop.
133
00:05:44,701 --> 00:05:48,799
I mean, she saw me there,
looking at her,
and she kept undressing.
134
00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:50,364
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you serious?
135
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,465
Yeah.
I got an erection.
136
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:55,399
I've got a headache.
Do you have any Anacin?
137
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,165
Any what?
"Anacin"?
138
00:05:57,234 --> 00:05:58,232
Yeah, Anacin.
139
00:05:58,301 --> 00:05:59,799
Do they even make
Anacin anymore?
140
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,165
Yeah, it's still around.
Why?
141
00:06:01,234 --> 00:06:03,898
No, it just seems
like sort of
a '70s medication.
142
00:06:03,968 --> 00:06:05,366
So you don't have
any Anacin?
143
00:06:05,435 --> 00:06:06,598
No.
144
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,732
God, you're more worthless
than Colin Farrell.
145
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:12,765
So, you got
the wool cap on,
huh? Yeah.
146
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,464
Yeah, I guess.
You know, whatever.
It's 96 degrees out.
147
00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:18,598
Better put on
the old wool cap.
Yeah.
148
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:22,799
Got a lot going on
under there,
under the wool cap?
149
00:06:23,867 --> 00:06:26,199
Thinking about
your sideburns?
150
00:06:26,268 --> 00:06:28,698
Yeah. No, no, no, no.
You're not
a complete jackass, yeah.
151
00:06:28,767 --> 00:06:32,298
Oh, hey, nice T-shirt.
"Phresh", and it's
spelled with a "P-H".
152
00:06:32,366 --> 00:06:35,598
Oh, that's fun,
'cause it's usually
spelled with an "F".
153
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,865
Yeah. Oh, and you got
a little tear
on your pants, there.
154
00:06:37,934 --> 00:06:39,765
Oh, that's on purpose,
though, isn't it?
155
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:43,598
Yeah. Yeah,
you're a bad boy.
You're a bad boy.
156
00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:45,899
Society wants
your pants
to be intact,
157
00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:48,266
but you're just
not gonna listen,
are you?
158
00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:51,665
My God, this is ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to kill you.
159
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,498
All right, one more
pre-party drink,
160
00:06:56,567 --> 00:06:57,865
and then
we'll head off
to The Clam.
161
00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,665
It's cheaper to drink
at your house first.
162
00:06:59,733 --> 00:07:01,099
(MEN CHEERING)
163
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:03,665
Boy, they sure
are making a lot of
noise out there.
164
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:06,665
Those idiots have done
nothing but hang out
in that stupid shed
165
00:07:06,733 --> 00:07:07,965
for the last two days.
166
00:07:08,034 --> 00:07:09,699
We should
crash that party.
167
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:11,698
Hey, you know what?
Bernice is right.
168
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:13,865
They're always
trying to get away from us.
169
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:17,265
We should march in there
and remind them
that they have wives.
170
00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:19,164
Especially
if they have food,
171
00:07:19,233 --> 00:07:21,732
because bar food
is so overpriced.
172
00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:23,832
Man, who invited
Anne Frank?
173
00:07:25,834 --> 00:07:29,698
Quagmire, tell that story
about the girl
with the inside-out anus.
174
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:30,798
Oh, you mean
Blossom?
175
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,332
Oh, that's
a great story.
176
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,665
All right,
so I'm skulking around
the intensive care unit
177
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:36,532
and all of a sudden
this smoking hot chick...
178
00:07:36,601 --> 00:07:39,232
Hey, boys. Mind if
we join the party?
179
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:41,132
Sorry, Lois,
no girls allowed.
180
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,398
Oh, come on, Peter.
It'd be good to have
some chicks in here.
181
00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:46,598
Quagmire, are you nuts?
This is a men's club.
182
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,333
There's the problem.
The ratio be terrible.
183
00:07:49,401 --> 00:07:50,798
It's a total
mast-fest in here.
184
00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:51,932
You know,
I kind of agree.
185
00:07:52,001 --> 00:07:52,999
Yeah, this is
sort of lame.
186
00:07:55,801 --> 00:07:57,899
Well, we can fix that.
Come on, girls,
let's dance.
187
00:08:01,034 --> 00:08:04,265
Hey, hey, hey, stop it.
You women
can't dance in here.
188
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:06,965
Well, I know two people
who'll take my side on this.
189
00:08:07,034 --> 00:08:10,264
The stuffy parents
from Dirty Dancing.
Right, guys?
190
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:13,298
Sorry, Peter.
Even we're getting
into it.
191
00:08:13,366 --> 00:08:14,998
(GRUMBLING)
192
00:08:17,101 --> 00:08:19,099
What's the matter, Bonnie?
Don't you want to dance?
193
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:22,932
Oh, it's okay, Joe.
I don't mind
sitting here with you.
194
00:08:23,001 --> 00:08:26,265
What I mean is,
I don't want to
hold you back.
195
00:08:26,334 --> 00:08:27,765
Don't be
silly, honey.
196
00:08:27,834 --> 00:08:30,599
It's just as nice
watching other people
have fun.
197
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:32,665
God, I hate
being handicapped.
198
00:08:32,734 --> 00:08:36,366
Sometimes, I feel more useless
than the head
of the maid's union.
199
00:08:36,434 --> 00:08:38,498
And what exactly
are your demands?
200
00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:40,332
We need
more Lemon Pledge.
201
00:08:40,401 --> 00:08:42,399
You need more
Lemon Pledge?
202
00:08:42,467 --> 00:08:43,465
Yes.
203
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:44,765
We're not responsible
for that.
204
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:46,965
You should just bring it
from your own home.
205
00:08:47,034 --> 00:08:48,532
No.
206
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:52,598
(PHONE RINGING)
207
00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:58,332
Hello? Oh, hi, Lois.
Yeah, last night was fun.
208
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,965
Oh, it's okay.
I'm used to not dancing.
209
00:09:02,034 --> 00:09:06,398
I mean, I knew
what to expect after,
you know, Joe's accident,
210
00:09:06,467 --> 00:09:10,665
and I'm prepared
to live the rest
of my life this way.
211
00:09:10,734 --> 00:09:14,065
Poor Bonnie.
She deserves so much
better than me.
212
00:09:14,134 --> 00:09:16,432
God, she must regret
this marriage.
213
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:20,565
If only there was some way
for me to walk again.
214
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:22,365
Wait a minute,
what am I saying?
215
00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:25,665
There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm no different
than any other guy.
216
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:29,765
Joe, would you put on
your hand shoes
and take out the garbage?
217
00:09:32,234 --> 00:09:33,565
Thank you.
218
00:09:34,201 --> 00:09:36,398
(JOE SOBBING)
219
00:09:42,834 --> 00:09:44,532
Hey, thanks for
coming with me, Peter.
220
00:09:44,601 --> 00:09:48,832
It sure would be wonderful
if Dr. Hartman
could help me walk again.
221
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:50,398
I'm sorry,
Mayor McCheese,
222
00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:52,899
but I'm not sure
if any cosmetic surgery
is even possible.
223
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:54,298
Look, if it's
a financial issue...
224
00:09:54,366 --> 00:09:55,432
No, it's not
an issue of money.
225
00:09:55,501 --> 00:09:57,265
Your head
is a cheeseburger.
226
00:09:57,334 --> 00:10:00,232
There's no blood flow to it.
It's just...
It's just dead cow meat.
227
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,232
All right. Well,
I appreciate you
giving it to me straight.
228
00:10:03,301 --> 00:10:04,765
All right, then.
Have a tasty afternoon.
229
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:05,866
(CHUCKLES)
230
00:10:05,934 --> 00:10:07,732
Ah, there's a smile.
231
00:10:07,801 --> 00:10:09,565
So, what can I do
for you, Mr. Swanson?
232
00:10:09,633 --> 00:10:11,565
Doc, I can't
take it anymore.
233
00:10:11,633 --> 00:10:14,099
I want to walk again.
I'll do whatever it takes.
234
00:10:14,168 --> 00:10:17,099
Well, there is
a highly experimental
new procedure.
235
00:10:17,168 --> 00:10:19,166
It's essentially
a leg transplant.
236
00:10:19,235 --> 00:10:20,798
If you'd be willing
to sign a waiver,
237
00:10:20,868 --> 00:10:22,431
I think I may be
able to help you.
238
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,032
You know, when you talk,
you sound a lot
like my father-in-law,
239
00:10:25,101 --> 00:10:26,199
Carter Pewterschmidt.
240
00:10:26,268 --> 00:10:27,899
Oh, that's funny.
He's a patient of mine.
241
00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:29,332
Here's my
urine sample, Doctor.
242
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:30,532
Thank you,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
243
00:10:30,601 --> 00:10:31,665
Hi, Peter.
244
00:10:31,733 --> 00:10:33,132
You know, Peter says
we sound alike.
245
00:10:33,201 --> 00:10:34,466
Really?
I don't hear it.
246
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,199
Actually, I think
I do hear it now.
Really?
247
00:10:36,267 --> 00:10:38,966
Yeah, you know,
we've never really had
any extended interaction,
248
00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:40,099
so I've never
noticed it.
249
00:10:40,167 --> 00:10:41,366
Hey, I think
I hear it, too.
250
00:10:41,434 --> 00:10:42,599
Seems lazy,
doesn't it?
251
00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:44,366
Well, there's only
so many voices
in the world,
252
00:10:44,434 --> 00:10:46,066
some of them
are bound to be similar.
253
00:10:46,135 --> 00:10:48,899
Now, Mr. Swanson,
through the magic
of digital imaging,
254
00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:52,799
we'll select the legs
most suited to your body
from our inventory of donors.
255
00:11:01,301 --> 00:11:02,699
Hey, what about these?
256
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:04,332
Good choice.
257
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,632
These are the only ones
we have in stock
that aren't hilarious.
258
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:07,698
I'll take them.
259
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,364
Joe, you are gonna
be happier
260
00:11:09,433 --> 00:11:12,066
than bullfrogs
on vacation
in Ethiopia.
261
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:14,332
This is fantastic.
262
00:11:14,401 --> 00:11:16,165
This is even better
than they said
it was in the brochure.
263
00:11:16,234 --> 00:11:19,032
Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig,
but, come on,
we're on vacation.
264
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,632
Exactly.
Don't hate yourself.
We're on vacation, right?
265
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:24,431
Yeah.
I hear Madonna's raising
this guy's kid.
266
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,265
Now, just relax,
Mr. Swanson,
267
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:28,265
and let the anesthetic
do its job.
268
00:11:28,334 --> 00:11:30,232
All right, Doc, I trust you.
Good.
269
00:11:30,301 --> 00:11:31,832
Now, I'll just pop in
the how-to video,
and we'll get started.
270
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:32,932
What?
271
00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:39,032
Hi, I'm Jamie Farr,
and you're about
to perform leg surgery.
272
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,565
First off,
what's your name?
273
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,065
Dr. Hartman.
274
00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:44,599
Great name,
but I'm gonna
call you "pal".
275
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:46,099
No!
276
00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:52,932
He's been in there
an awful long time.
277
00:11:53,001 --> 00:11:54,598
I hope
everything's all right.
278
00:11:54,667 --> 00:11:58,631
My Joe's a fighter.
He'll come out of this.
279
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:01,166
Gentlemen, I give you
the new Joe Swanson.
280
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:09,098
(ALL GASPING)
281
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:11,065
Well, what do you think?
Wow!
282
00:12:11,134 --> 00:12:12,165
You look great, Joe.
Holy crap!
283
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:13,265
That's fantastic!
284
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:15,799
They still got that
new leg smell.
285
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,932
I put his old legs in a bag,
if you want them.
286
00:12:18,001 --> 00:12:20,365
Oh, great. You know,
we'll take 'em home.
We'll give 'em to Brian.
287
00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:22,598
Come on, Joe.
I'll drive you home.
288
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,066
Are you kidding?
289
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,531
I've got working legs
for the first time
in 15 years,
290
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,132
and I'm gonna use them.
I'm walking home.
291
00:12:29,201 --> 00:12:31,065
I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson,
hospital rules.
292
00:12:31,134 --> 00:12:32,598
You have to leave
in a wheelchair.
293
00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:33,665
(SIGHS)
294
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:46,532
JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Get some! Get some!
Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!
295
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:50,765
Oh, Joe,
that was amazing.
296
00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:52,832
I know. I was there.
297
00:12:52,901 --> 00:12:57,932
My God, we haven't done it
in so long. I'd forgotten
how big you were.
298
00:12:58,001 --> 00:12:59,232
I was gonna say
the same thing to you.
299
00:13:04,001 --> 00:13:06,531
ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall on Fox,
a new reality show,
300
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,298
Who Wants to Marry Corky
from "Life Goes On"?
301
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:11,165
You won't believe
what happened.
302
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:15,132
Come on, guys,
let's go!
303
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,398
Go?
Where are we going?
304
00:13:16,467 --> 00:13:19,365
Listen, these new legs
have given me
my life back.
305
00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:22,532
I want to do all the things
I could never do
when I was handicapped.
306
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,798
And you guys
are my best friends.
307
00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:24,931
I want you to
experience it all
with me.
308
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:28,699
You can count on us, Joe.
309
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:29,765
Hey, what'd you do
with your old wheelchair?
310
00:13:29,834 --> 00:13:30,899
I gave it away.
311
00:13:30,968 --> 00:13:32,431
Whee!
312
00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:33,998
(LAUGHING)
313
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:37,698
My tulips!
You dick.
314
00:13:43,667 --> 00:13:47,465
Oh, this is great.
I feel so alive.
Come on, ladies.
315
00:13:47,534 --> 00:13:51,331
Kick your high heels off
and get moving.
You guys are a disgrace.
316
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,898
Peter, this doesn't
seem safe.
317
00:13:52,967 --> 00:13:54,632
Yeah, I'm afraid
I might...
318
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,431
(SCREAMING)
319
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,665
Wow, thanks,
Spider-Man.
320
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:04,166
Everybody gets one.
Tell him, Peter.
321
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,564
Apparently,
everybody gets one.
322
00:14:05,633 --> 00:14:06,899
Bingo.
323
00:14:11,734 --> 00:14:13,399
I don't know
about this, Joe.
324
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:15,299
There is no fear
in this dojo!
325
00:14:15,368 --> 00:14:17,531
Joe, we don't
even know
what a dojo is.
326
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,565
There is no mercy
in this dojo!
327
00:14:19,633 --> 00:14:21,099
Joe, why don't you
take it down a notch?
328
00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:22,432
No mercy!
329
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,132
(FARTS)
330
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:34,032
All right,
we're gonna do it
once more.
331
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,465
(ALL GROANING)
332
00:14:35,534 --> 00:14:38,865
And this time, no mistakes.
One, two, three, four.
333
00:14:40,801 --> 00:14:43,565
ALL: ♪ Good morning,
good morning
334
00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:45,332
♪ It's great
to stay up late
335
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:48,431
♪ Good morning,
good morning to you
336
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:54,332
♪ When the band began to play,
the stars were shining bright
337
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,632
♪ But now
the milkman's
on his way
338
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:58,298
♪ It's too late
to say goodnight
339
00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:00,133
(SHOUTING)
♪ So say good morning
340
00:15:00,201 --> 00:15:01,431
(YELPS)
♪ Good morning
341
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,632
♪ Sunbeams will soon
smile through
342
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:06,266
♪ Good morning,
good morning to you ♪
343
00:15:06,335 --> 00:15:08,099
♪ Nothing could be
grander than
to be in Louisiana
344
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,766
♪ In the morning,
in the... ♪
345
00:15:09,834 --> 00:15:11,698
Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought
we were still going.
346
00:15:14,234 --> 00:15:16,532
My God, Joe is
running us ragged.
347
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,832
Yeah, I haven't been
this exhausted
since I had that job
348
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,965
as Jackee Harry's
personal grocery shopper.
349
00:15:22,034 --> 00:15:24,198
A pallet?
Am I reading
this right?
350
00:15:24,266 --> 00:15:27,632
You need "a pallet
of chocolate-covered
pretzels"?
351
00:15:27,701 --> 00:15:29,364
Where the hell
am I supposed to...
352
00:15:29,433 --> 00:15:32,498
(STUTTERING)
And what is this?
"A drum of grape jam"?
353
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,032
Is that...
What is that...
354
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,665
Is that, like, a drum,
like, they ship oil in?
Is that...
355
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:40,398
And look at this one,
"A desk of Cheez-Its."
356
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:43,531
A desk? Where were
you getting these units
of measurement from?
357
00:15:43,601 --> 00:15:44,599
Mary...
358
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:47,098
(LAUGHING)
That is still funny.
359
00:15:47,166 --> 00:15:49,799
Okay.
You stay right here,
big funny gal.
360
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:53,698
I'll be right back with
"a hammock of cake."
361
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:57,832
Yeah, Dave Matthews Live.
I'll burn you
a copy. Stay cool.
362
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,698
Hey, Joe,
what you got there?
363
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:01,231
Mountain bike.
364
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,965
Joe, I don't know.
I'm still chafed
from that power walk.
365
00:16:04,034 --> 00:16:07,365
Both of my inner thighs
look like those
big cherry Swedish Fish.
366
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:11,098
Don't worry.
I'm not taking you pansies.
I'm taking my new friends.
367
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:13,698
This is Parker,
Quentin, and Portland.
368
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:15,332
Is Portland
the black one?
369
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,832
Portland
is the black one.
370
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:18,998
Joe, what the hell is this?
371
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:22,099
Well, Peter,
I realized over
the last few days
372
00:16:22,168 --> 00:16:24,199
the only reason
I hung out
with you guys
373
00:16:24,268 --> 00:16:26,665
is that I was crippled
and you were lazy.
374
00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:29,665
I decided it's time
I got some friends
more suited to my status.
375
00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:30,799
But, Joe, we've been
friends for years.
376
00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:34,598
Hey, we all
make mistakes.
377
00:16:34,667 --> 00:16:36,732
Come on, dudes,
let's go exercise.
378
00:16:36,801 --> 00:16:37,932
Exercise!
Yeah!
379
00:16:38,001 --> 00:16:39,032
I'm gonna do sit-ups
till l crap myself.
380
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,365
I can't believe it.
Joe just dumped us.
He's gone.
381
00:16:44,434 --> 00:16:47,632
And all we've got
to remember him by
are his old legs.
382
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:48,732
(GROWLING)
383
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:49,965
Okay, okay.
384
00:16:55,334 --> 00:16:58,266
Peter, I wish
you'd go over there and
patch things up with Joe.
385
00:16:58,335 --> 00:16:59,999
Hey, screw him, Lois.
386
00:17:00,068 --> 00:17:02,631
He doesn't need us anymore,
now that he's got
his cool, new friends.
387
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:05,732
I tell you, those legs
have turned him
into a complete jerk.
388
00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:08,965
It's like giving
a monkey the keys
to an amusement park.
389
00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:10,899
How is that?
How is what?
390
00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:14,665
How is it anything like
a monkey having the keys
to an amusement park?
391
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:18,532
I don't know.
The hours
would be erratic.
392
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:21,532
Maintenance would
probably suffer
to some degree.
393
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,165
The prizes for
games of chance
would all be bananas.
394
00:17:24,234 --> 00:17:27,265
Lois, don't call me
on this stuff, all right?
Just go with it.
395
00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:30,132
Support me in these moments.
I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.
396
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,232
Well, Peter, there have
been a lot of changes
in Joe's life,
397
00:17:33,301 --> 00:17:35,966
and maybe he just
needed to move on.
398
00:17:36,034 --> 00:17:38,598
If I were you,
I'd look for a new friend.
399
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:42,765
A kindred spirit,
like Judas found
in Pontius Pilate.
400
00:17:42,834 --> 00:17:44,999
You know, sometimes,
I feel like
someone should just
401
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:47,165
crucify Jesus of Nazareth.
Crucify Jesus of Nazareth.
402
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,332
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
403
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,199
Shut up.
No, you shut up.
404
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:51,965
I'm Judas.
Pontius.
405
00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:54,365
This is so weird,
because just today
I was thinking
406
00:17:54,434 --> 00:17:57,699
about how I wanted
to find the son of God
and nail him to some wood.
407
00:17:57,767 --> 00:17:59,632
Well, let's go find him
and kick his ass.
408
00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:01,832
That sounds swell.
409
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:04,465
(IT'S A SUNSHINE DAY PLAYING)
410
00:18:04,533 --> 00:18:07,665
♪ I think
I'll go for a walk
outside now
411
00:18:07,733 --> 00:18:09,798
♪ The summer sun's
calling my name ♪
412
00:18:13,001 --> 00:18:14,665
So, do you really think
you're suited to be
413
00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:17,199
the fourth guy
in our group,
Buzz Killington?
414
00:18:17,268 --> 00:18:19,765
Yeah, I mean, we mainly
just sit here in the booth
and crack jokes,
415
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,631
but you're kind of
a buzz kill.
416
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:26,333
Oh, on the contrary.
I've quite a mastery
of the humorous yarn.
417
00:18:26,401 --> 00:18:27,832
(CHUCKLING)
418
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:31,832
Do any of you know
the tale of how
cornmeal came to be?
419
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:33,199
No.
No.
420
00:18:33,268 --> 00:18:34,765
Uh-uh. No.
Neither did the miller
421
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:37,498
when he left his house
that morning.
422
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,366
(SIGHS)
423
00:18:39,435 --> 00:18:41,333
We got to
get Joe back.
424
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:48,231
Joe, please,
can't we talk
about this?
425
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:49,865
There's nothing
to talk about.
426
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:51,332
I've outgrown you,
Bonnie.
427
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,065
I need to spread
my legs and fly.
428
00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:54,165
(CAR HORN HONKING)
429
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,298
Keep the kid.
430
00:18:58,034 --> 00:18:59,965
Joe, what the hell?
You're leaving Bonnie?
431
00:19:00,034 --> 00:19:01,231
Out of my way, Peter!
432
00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,999
Me and my new friends
are gonna go surf-gliding
433
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,731
and try to somehow work
a mountain bike in there.
434
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,165
You've changed, Joe,
like I did when
I went through puberty.
435
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:12,932
(VOICE CRACKING)
Hey, you guys feel like
playing some baseball?
436
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,133
Excuse me, I'm gonna
go masturbate.
437
00:19:18,034 --> 00:19:19,298
And then the bastard
completely blew me off
438
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:20,398
to hang out
with those
new douche bags.
439
00:19:23,134 --> 00:19:24,198
Peter, we got to
do something.
440
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:25,465
You're right, Cleveland.
441
00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:29,932
Boys, there's only one answer.
We got to re-cripple Joe.
442
00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:32,598
It's the right thing to do,
like taking out Hitler.
443
00:19:36,867 --> 00:19:38,865
See? We had a plan
for that all along.
444
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,432
Bye, new awesome friends.
445
00:19:44,868 --> 00:19:47,199
Bonnie,
I forgot my Soloflex.
446
00:19:47,268 --> 00:19:48,665
Yo, Joe.
447
00:19:48,734 --> 00:19:50,865
What the hell are you
doing here, pansy?
448
00:19:50,934 --> 00:19:53,398
We're gonna
break your legs, Joe.
449
00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:54,866
It's for
your own good.
450
00:19:54,934 --> 00:19:56,832
Come on, guys,
get him!
451
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:37,565
All right, then.
452
00:20:37,634 --> 00:20:40,232
Bonnie. What the hell?
Put my gun down.
453
00:20:40,301 --> 00:20:43,298
Not until I have
my husband back!
454
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,398
(SCREAMS)
455
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:45,865
My perfect ass!
456
00:20:45,934 --> 00:20:49,431
Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.
I was aiming
for your spine.
457
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:51,731
Damn it!
458
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,598
Joe, I'm so sorry.
I'm a terrible shot.
459
00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:59,832
For God's sake,
just give me the gun.
I'll do it myself.
460
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:07,132
Boy, we really did
a number on each other.
461
00:21:07,201 --> 00:21:11,098
You know, I just want to
take this opportunity
to apologize to you guys.
462
00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:13,899
I was acting like
a first-class jackass.
463
00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,632
I hope that
you can forgive me.
464
00:21:16,701 --> 00:21:19,865
Oh, it's just good
to have
our old Joe back.
465
00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:23,831
And once our injuries
heal up, we can all go
for a nice, long walk.
466
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,699
All right! Yeah!
467
00:21:25,767 --> 00:21:27,231
Wait a minute...
468
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,498
(ALL LAUGHING)
469
00:21:29,567 --> 00:21:32,966
(SINGING THEME SONG)
470
00:21:33,034 --> 00:21:34,531
♪ Joke's on you ♪