1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:06,032
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,101 --> 00:00:09,365
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:12,965
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,034 --> 00:00:16,065
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,134 --> 00:00:19,431
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:22,698
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:24,265
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,334 --> 00:00:25,999
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:30,932
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,498
Happy birthday, Mom.
11
00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:39,164
Oh, thank you,
everybody.
12
00:00:39,233 --> 00:00:40,865
I know it's a little
self-centered,
13
00:00:40,934 --> 00:00:43,232
but this is my favorite day
of the year.
14
00:00:43,301 --> 00:00:46,199
Here, Mom,
this is from me
and Meg.
15
00:00:47,633 --> 00:00:50,265
Topol?
The smoker's
tooth polish?
16
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:52,532
Take the hint.
17
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,966
Happy birthday,
sweetheart.
18
00:00:56,034 --> 00:00:58,331
Lionel Richie's
Can't Slow Down?
19
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,565
Great album, Lois.
Great album.
20
00:01:00,634 --> 00:01:03,732
I didn't know who I was
until I heard this album.
21
00:01:03,801 --> 00:01:05,698
(HELLO PLAYING)
22
00:01:05,767 --> 00:01:10,365
Oh, God, Lionel.
You have been hurt.
23
00:01:10,434 --> 00:01:15,298
You have been hurt
by somebody,
that much is clear.
24
00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:19,532
Who hurt you?
Who hurt you?
Who hurt you?
25
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,699
Who hurt you?
Who hurt you?
26
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:25,599
Oh, thank you all
so much.
What thoughtful gifts.
27
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:26,965
Lois, there's
one more.
28
00:01:27,034 --> 00:01:29,465
Oh, Brian,
you don't have to
give me anything.
29
00:01:29,533 --> 00:01:30,999
Oh. Well,
give it back, then.
30
00:01:31,068 --> 00:01:32,799
(LAUGHING)
31
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:34,731
No.
No, we have fun.
32
00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:37,265
(EXCLAIMS)
33
00:01:37,334 --> 00:01:40,132
Oh, my God.
Two tickets for a cruise.
Brian, this is wonderful.
34
00:01:42,867 --> 00:01:44,398
What the hell?
Dick.
35
00:01:44,466 --> 00:01:46,299
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is this?
We agreed on a $20 limit.
36
00:01:46,368 --> 00:01:47,399
We set a cap,
you jerk.
37
00:01:50,134 --> 00:01:51,665
Are you trying to
make us look bad,
you son of a bitch?
38
00:01:51,734 --> 00:01:53,465
Peter, what are you
angry about?
39
00:01:53,533 --> 00:01:55,333
You get to go
on a cruise with me.
40
00:01:55,401 --> 00:01:57,099
What?
What?
41
00:01:57,168 --> 00:01:59,898
Well, yeah, you didn't think
Brian meant for me
to go with him, did you?
42
00:01:59,967 --> 00:02:03,599
Great. This was
a bigger waste of time
than Ringo's songwriting.
43
00:02:04,634 --> 00:02:06,266
Hey, guys.
I wrote a song.
44
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:07,365
Oh, that's great.
45
00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:09,032
Good, Ringo.
Fantastic.
46
00:02:09,101 --> 00:02:12,298
You know what?
I'm gonna put it
right here.
47
00:02:12,367 --> 00:02:16,398
Right on the refrigerator.
That way, we'll get
to see it every day.
48
00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:17,898
All right.
49
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,865
Now, you kids
behave yourselves
while we're away.
50
00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:25,364
Yeah, be good
till we get back,
51
00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:27,398
and, Brian, stay out
of the cat box.
52
00:02:27,467 --> 00:02:29,765
Stay out
of the cat box.
53
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:30,899
Bye, you guys.
54
00:02:30,968 --> 00:02:32,965
Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
55
00:02:33,034 --> 00:02:34,832
Farewell, Brian.
I'm off to sea.
56
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:37,465
An hour from now,
I'll be surrounded
by seamen.
57
00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:39,532
Sperm whales
and seamen.
58
00:02:39,601 --> 00:02:41,365
A swallow.
59
00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:43,832
Stewie, Peter and Lois
aren't taking you with them.
They've already boarded.
60
00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:45,332
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
61
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:50,699
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
62
00:02:50,767 --> 00:02:54,865
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
63
00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:58,465
No. No, you can't leave,
not without me.
I'm the baby.
64
00:02:58,534 --> 00:03:01,598
I haven't been
this disappointed since
I saw The Lake House.
65
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:04,232
See, the mailbox
is like a time portal.
66
00:03:04,301 --> 00:03:07,032
Everything Keanu Reeves
puts in there, Sandra Bullock
gets two years later.
67
00:03:14,435 --> 00:03:15,832
What the fuck?
68
00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:22,932
Peter, what do you say
we go get some lunch?
69
00:03:23,001 --> 00:03:25,365
Not yet, Lois.
I've been watching
this woman for three hours
70
00:03:25,434 --> 00:03:26,732
waiting for her
to turn over.
71
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,965
Peter, she knows
she untied
her bikini.
72
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,698
Women don't forget
those things.
73
00:03:30,767 --> 00:03:31,932
Well, will you go
over there
74
00:03:32,001 --> 00:03:33,665
and pour a cold drink
on her back?
No.
75
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:34,798
Will you go over there
behind her
76
00:03:34,867 --> 00:03:36,465
and yell, "Fire drill"?
No.
77
00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:38,032
Will you go over there
and lift
her shoulder a little,
78
00:03:38,101 --> 00:03:39,398
so I can
see her nipple?
79
00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:40,932
All right, fine.
80
00:03:43,001 --> 00:03:44,032
(LAUGHING)
81
00:03:44,101 --> 00:03:45,198
What a slut.
82
00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:49,999
I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to bar you
83
00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:52,865
from the aft section
of the ship
for the rest of the cruise.
84
00:03:52,934 --> 00:03:54,298
We are so sorry.
85
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,432
Peter, what the hell
did you think
you were doing?
86
00:03:56,501 --> 00:04:00,398
Lois, it is called
the "poop deck."
That is why I pooped there.
87
00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:01,465
You're disgusting.
And you're misleading.
88
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:08,665
Boy, this is romantic,
isn't it, Lois?
89
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,698
Oh, it sure is,
sweetie.
90
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,732
I feel like
that fat-ass British girl
from Titanic.
91
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,865
What girl?
The lead in Titanic,
92
00:04:15,934 --> 00:04:18,098
the one opposite
Leonardo DiCaprio.
93
00:04:18,167 --> 00:04:20,132
Sweetheart, that was a guy.
What?
94
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,432
That was a guy.
That was
Philip Seymour Hoffman.
95
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,198
What?
No, it wasn't.
96
00:04:24,267 --> 00:04:26,832
Yes, it was, honey.
It was
Philip Seymour Hoffman.
97
00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:27,932
(CHUCKLING)
98
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,865
Look at you out here,
on a big trip.
99
00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:35,398
What are you doing?
I'll teach that hussy
100
00:04:35,466 --> 00:04:36,498
to go on a boat ride
without me.
101
00:04:39,234 --> 00:04:40,399
When she returns,
I'm going to
put bamboo splinters
102
00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:41,866
under all
her fingernails.
103
00:04:41,934 --> 00:04:43,899
Then I'm gonna
strip her down
and tie her to the bed.
104
00:04:43,967 --> 00:04:45,632
Okay.
Then I'm gonna
make her crawl
105
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:49,366
on her hands and knees
while I drip hot candle wax
all over her back.
106
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:50,565
And then what
are you gonna do?
107
00:04:50,634 --> 00:04:52,065
Let's see...
108
00:04:52,134 --> 00:04:54,132
Are you gonna
shower her off after
all that candle wax?
109
00:04:54,201 --> 00:04:55,732
No, I'm gonna
keep her filthy.
110
00:04:55,801 --> 00:04:57,532
Yeah, she's been
a bad girl.
111
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,832
And then
I'm gonna gag her
with her own underwear.
112
00:04:59,901 --> 00:05:01,199
(LAUGHING)
113
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:02,899
What?
No, no, nothing, nothing.
114
00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:06,999
That's all part of
your diabolical plan
to humiliate her.
115
00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:08,766
Yes, yes,
she'll be humiliated.
116
00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:10,332
Maybe you'll
handcuff her?
She'll hate that.
117
00:05:10,401 --> 00:05:11,499
Then I shall
do that as well.
118
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:12,565
And call her a bitch.
119
00:05:12,634 --> 00:05:13,899
Until I'm hoarse
with rage.
120
00:05:13,967 --> 00:05:15,732
Maybe smack her ass
with a riding crop
121
00:05:15,801 --> 00:05:17,132
and watch her
go to town on herself?
122
00:05:17,201 --> 00:05:18,565
Yes, and then...
What?
123
00:05:18,634 --> 00:05:21,032
No, I mean,
that would like...
That would show her.
124
00:05:21,101 --> 00:05:23,032
What the hell does
the second part
have to do with that?
125
00:05:23,101 --> 00:05:24,399
No, man,
it's your thing.
126
00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:26,132
I mean, I don't care
if one hand
is on her boob
127
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:29,932
and the other hand
is down there. It's your...
It's your project.
128
00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:31,665
Are you...
129
00:05:31,734 --> 00:05:34,165
You're getting some kind
of sick, sexual thrill
off this, aren't you?
130
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,132
Who cares?
You're not gonna
kill her anyway.
131
00:05:36,201 --> 00:05:38,899
You're gonna bitch and moan,
and then you're gonna
do what you always do.
132
00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:40,432
The minute Lois
walks through
that door,
133
00:05:40,501 --> 00:05:41,732
you're gonna
forget all about it,
134
00:05:41,801 --> 00:05:43,832
beg for your apple juice,
go poop and fall asleep.
135
00:05:46,667 --> 00:05:47,732
God, he's right.
136
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,898
I've got
the same daily routine
as Dick Clark.
137
00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:53,732
Rupert, I've been all talk.
So much time wasted.
138
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,498
Well, no longer.
Lois is a dead woman.
139
00:05:56,567 --> 00:06:00,698
I'll do to her
what douche bags
did to the guitar.
140
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:04,999
This is a song
I wrote last summer.
It's called Water.
141
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,998
♪ My hair is growing
142
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,099
♪ Growing all the time
143
00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:19,398
♪ Look how sensitive I am
144
00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:24,732
♪ 'Cause my voice
is so fine
145
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,832
♪ Every beer
I've ever had
146
00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:30,765
♪ Is on a shelf
above my bed
147
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:38,699
♪ And sometimes,
I put my speakers
facing out my window ♪
148
00:06:48,934 --> 00:06:50,531
Peter, stop
picking your teeth.
149
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,432
We're at
the Captain's table.
150
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:56,032
And that was the first time
I saw the northern lights
at their peak.
151
00:06:56,100 --> 00:07:00,965
And as I gazed,
astonished at their
lustrous brilliance,
152
00:07:01,034 --> 00:07:03,799
I turned to my first mate
and I said,
153
00:07:03,868 --> 00:07:07,798
"We are looking
into the very eyes of God."
154
00:07:07,867 --> 00:07:08,898
What a wonderful story.
155
00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:09,965
All right,
I got one for you.
156
00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:14,299
So, me and Lois
are driving up to Vermont
to get this abortion...
157
00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:15,399
Peter!
158
00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:17,232
Hang on, hang on, Lois.
Don't ruin it.
159
00:07:17,301 --> 00:07:19,199
All right.
So, we're driving up
to get this abortion,
160
00:07:19,267 --> 00:07:20,765
and we get to
the abortion clinic,
161
00:07:20,833 --> 00:07:23,231
and the abortionist
has one hand.
162
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:24,998
The abortionist
has one hand.
163
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,766
Missing hand
on the abortionist.
164
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:28,132
And we're there
to get an abortion.
165
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,264
Peter, for God's...
166
00:07:29,333 --> 00:07:30,965
I'll tell it.
I'll tell it.
167
00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:34,431
So I turned to Lois
and I says, "You want to
get an abortion here?
168
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:37,699
"You want to get an abortion
with the abortionist
having a stump hand?"
169
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:39,232
And she says,
"An abortion here?
170
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:41,331
"Are you kidding me?
The abortionist's
got one hand.
171
00:07:41,401 --> 00:07:43,065
"How do you abort
with one hand?"
172
00:07:43,134 --> 00:07:45,698
And I says,
"That's what I just said.
The abortionist has one hand.
173
00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:47,565
"We can't get
an abortion here."
174
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,165
So we turned around
and went home and
two-and-a-half months later,
175
00:07:50,234 --> 00:07:51,632
our daughter,
Meg, was born.
176
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:59,598
Okay, explain to me
exactly
what I did wrong.
177
00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:02,632
Peter, that story
was completely
inappropriate.
178
00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:04,599
Well, send me
the crap to hell
179
00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:07,165
for being nostalgic
about the early years
of our marriage.
180
00:08:07,234 --> 00:08:09,365
You've totally
ruined this trip for me.
181
00:08:09,434 --> 00:08:12,232
I am mortified
to even show my face
around this ship.
182
00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:13,999
Hey, the Captain's the one
who should be embarrassed.
183
00:08:14,067 --> 00:08:15,765
His story was gay.
184
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:17,898
You're gay.
185
00:08:17,967 --> 00:08:21,198
Pleasuring a man with
a socked foot, one time,
does not make a person gay.
186
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:25,465
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
187
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:49,498
STEWIE: Hello, Mother.
188
00:08:49,567 --> 00:08:53,732
Stewie?
What the hell are you...
How did you get here?
189
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:57,565
Oh, there's
a very simple answer to that.
You drove me here, Lois.
190
00:08:57,634 --> 00:09:00,598
With all the indignities
I've been forced
to suffer day in and day out
191
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:02,899
under your
matriarchal tyranny.
192
00:09:02,968 --> 00:09:06,032
What are you...
What are you doing
with a gun?
193
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:09,531
Something I should've done
a very long time ago.
194
00:09:42,034 --> 00:09:45,032
I did it! I killed her!
She's dead!
195
00:09:45,101 --> 00:09:46,599
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
196
00:09:47,633 --> 00:09:49,865
(GROANING IN PAIN)
197
00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:54,365
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Oh, yeah, that's right.
198
00:09:59,868 --> 00:10:02,899
And finally, still no word
on the disappearance
of Lois Griffin,
199
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:04,498
housewife and mother
from Quahog,
200
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,999
who vanished
from a cruise ship
six days ago.
201
00:10:07,068 --> 00:10:12,099
Well, folks, that's the news,
and I am out of here.
202
00:10:12,168 --> 00:10:14,464
Daddy, she's been
missing so long.
203
00:10:14,533 --> 00:10:16,232
Do you think
they'll ever find her?
204
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:17,899
God, I hope so, Meg.
205
00:10:17,968 --> 00:10:19,999
Oh, yes, I'm sure
they'll find her.
206
00:10:20,068 --> 00:10:23,198
STEWIE: This is fantastic.
Nobody suspects a thing.
207
00:10:23,266 --> 00:10:25,431
Listen to my voice.
That sounds cool.
208
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,498
Hello.
209
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:33,564
Pigs in Space.
210
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:38,132
Hi, Peter. Can I
talk to you in the kitchen
for a second?
211
00:10:38,201 --> 00:10:40,598
What is it, Joe?
Please tell me
Lois is alive.
212
00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:42,166
(SIGHS)
213
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:46,531
It's been six days, Peter.
I'm sorry, but we had to
call off the search.
214
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,232
I'm afraid you're
just gonna have to
accept the fact that...
215
00:10:50,168 --> 00:10:51,198
She's gone.
216
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:54,433
No!
217
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,166
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
218
00:11:04,233 --> 00:11:07,631
Harrison Ford
Telling Random People
He Wants His Family Back.
219
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:08,932
I want my family back.
220
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,298
Okay.
221
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:11,565
Give me back my family.
222
00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,132
Get off me.
223
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,098
I want
my family back.
224
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,331
Hey, where've
I had another date.?
225
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,731
You know, I'm glad
you're finally putting
yourself out there.
226
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,365
Lois would've wanted
you to move on.
227
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,598
Yeah, only this one
was kind of awkward.
228
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:28,565
So, I'm a Leo
and your ad said
that you're a Cancer?
229
00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:30,932
No, actually,
it said I have cancer.
230
00:11:31,001 --> 00:11:33,332
Not cancer
of the vagina,
is it?
231
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,866
Here, have
some more wine.
232
00:11:34,934 --> 00:11:35,965
Then, there was that date
I had with that stick figure.
233
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:41,866
(STUTTERING)
So, how would
this work in bed?
234
00:11:41,934 --> 00:11:45,631
Well, I can't do sex,
but I can give you
a stick job.
235
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,465
That...
That sounds...
236
00:11:47,533 --> 00:11:49,498
Yes, it is
very unpleasant.
237
00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:52,265
But the freakiest
was that date
I had with Bonnie.
238
00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:55,565
BONNIE:
Peter, you don't know
how badly I need this.
239
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:57,999
PETER:
I don't know, Bonnie.
It's just a little weird.
240
00:11:58,068 --> 00:11:59,264
Joe's a friend
of mine.
241
00:11:59,333 --> 00:12:02,032
BONNIE: No, it's okay.
I promise you, it's okay.
242
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:04,465
PETER:
I'm not sure.
243
00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:06,365
JOE: It's okay, Peter.
244
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:09,331
Just remember,
whatever you do,
don't tell Chris I'm dating.
245
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,598
Peter, Lois has
been dead
for a whole year.
246
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:12,831
You're gonna have to
tell him sometime.
247
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,465
(SHUSHING)
248
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:18,399
Hi, Dad. Did we get
any mail from Mom
at the health spa today?
249
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,066
Nope. Sorry, Chris.
250
00:12:20,134 --> 00:12:22,199
She said she's going
straight from the spa
right back to Europe.
251
00:12:22,268 --> 00:12:25,865
But I haven't seen Mom
since she took me
back-to-school shopping.
252
00:12:25,934 --> 00:12:28,632
All right, sweetie,
you ready to get
some new notebooks,
253
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,532
and protractors
and slacks?
254
00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:31,798
I want blue jeans.
255
00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:33,432
You're getting slacks!
256
00:12:36,867 --> 00:12:38,665
Here you go, Stewie.
Finish your oatmeal,
257
00:12:38,734 --> 00:12:41,498
and then I'll get you ready
for our Mommy and Me class.
258
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:44,732
You know, Meg has
really flourished
since Lois was murdered.
259
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,398
What are you talking about?
Lois' death was an accident.
260
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,331
Which is just what
someone who pulled off
the perfect murder
261
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,765
would want
you to think.
262
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:55,132
What the hell are you...
Stewie, did you...
263
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,265
Did you kill Lois?
264
00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:00,932
Of course, I didn't, Brian.
Remember what you said?
265
00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:05,098
I'm all talk.
I wouldn't possibly
go through with it.
266
00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:07,432
I'll just poop
and fall asleep.
267
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:10,966
My God, you did it.
You actually did it.
268
00:13:11,034 --> 00:13:12,065
Oh, God.
I've really screwed
myself up here.
269
00:13:12,134 --> 00:13:13,232
Listen, could you reach
into my pocket
270
00:13:13,301 --> 00:13:14,266
and get the number
for that acupuncturist?
271
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,532
You son of a bitch.
You killed Lois!
272
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,798
Good luck proving
that, Brian. No,
seriously, that number...
273
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:23,198
Well, I'm gonna
expose you
for what you are.
274
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:26,499
No matter what it takes,
you are gonna pay for this.
275
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:27,932
You know, it's funny.
276
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:29,698
From this position,
I can hear Meg
up in her room.
277
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,364
(AFTERNOON DELIGHT
PLAYING ON RADIO)
278
00:13:31,433 --> 00:13:33,065
I'm gonna pretend
you're the
New York Knicks.
279
00:13:37,201 --> 00:13:39,866
Hey, put your wallets
away, guys.
The drinks are on me.
280
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:42,665
Well, that's
awful nice, Peter.
What's the occasion?
281
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,899
Lois' life insurance
policy paid off.
282
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:47,398
I've got more money
than Barbra Streisand.
283
00:13:47,467 --> 00:13:49,498
Honey, I'm going
shopping.
284
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:55,065
And I was gonna
valet park.
285
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:58,098
I didn't know
that you had
life insurance on Lois.
286
00:13:58,167 --> 00:13:59,932
Did you get that
right before the cruise?
287
00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:01,699
Actually, I got it
on the cruise.
288
00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:04,166
Right after we had
that big fight when I said,
"I wish you were dead,"
289
00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:06,165
right before
I never saw her again.
290
00:14:06,234 --> 00:14:08,631
Well, see you guys later.
I got to go buy hot dogs.
291
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:11,565
We keep running out
for some reason.
292
00:14:11,634 --> 00:14:14,332
Either of you guys think
it's a little suspicious
293
00:14:14,401 --> 00:14:17,365
that Peter took out
a life insurance
policy on Lois
294
00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:19,365
right before
she went missing?
295
00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:20,632
You don't think...
296
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:22,665
That fat bastard
murdered her,
didn't he?
297
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:26,865
That son of a bitch.
He's a killer,
like Bernie Goetz.
298
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:29,165
You know,
the subway vigilante
from the '80s?
299
00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:31,966
I used to do a bit
about him back when
I was doing stand up.
300
00:14:32,034 --> 00:14:35,799
What else is in the news?
Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz,
you hear about this?
301
00:14:35,867 --> 00:14:39,531
This guy Bernie Goetz
shot a bunch of muggers
on the subway.
302
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,431
Wouldn't mind having him
with me next time
I go see my mother-in-law.
303
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,698
No, but really,
New York City's
a great place to live,
304
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:47,331
if you're a cockroach.
305
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,065
MAN: You suck!
I know.
306
00:14:53,001 --> 00:14:56,531
Hey, Stewie, I found this
receipt for a speedboat
rental upstairs in your room.
307
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,832
It's dated about a year ago.
Any idea how it got there?
308
00:14:59,901 --> 00:15:01,999
Someone who rented
a speedboat
must've left it there.
309
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,166
Uh-huh.
310
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,565
Well, you can play
innocent all you want.
311
00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:07,066
I am gonna
find the evidence
to put you away,
312
00:15:07,135 --> 00:15:09,298
starting by proving
that you were
on that cruise ship
313
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,698
the night
Lois disappeared.
314
00:15:10,768 --> 00:15:13,133
No, I wasn't.
I was at the carnival
with Rupert.
315
00:15:13,201 --> 00:15:14,199
The carnival
with Rupert.
316
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:20,665
We won! We won!
Do it again.
Now I want a pink one.
317
00:15:20,734 --> 00:15:23,164
Stewie, we've been
playing
for half an hour.
318
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:25,632
Oh, okay. You want to
go ride the tea bags?
Tea cups?
319
00:15:25,701 --> 00:15:26,732
Tea bags?
320
00:15:49,235 --> 00:15:50,365
(SIGHS)
321
00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:52,066
I was hoping to keep
these mementos, Rupert,
322
00:15:52,134 --> 00:15:54,732
but I can't risk it,
with the dog
sniffing around for evidence.
323
00:16:02,901 --> 00:16:05,732
Damn! What the hell
are they doing here?
324
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,498
What are we
looking for, Joe?
325
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,699
Well, the trail
is pretty cold by now,
326
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:13,565
but if Peter did kill Lois,
we might find some clues
in his garbage.
327
00:16:13,633 --> 00:16:16,999
Man, I haven't
dug through these cans
since Lois died.
328
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,799
Can't believe
it's been 12 months
329
00:16:18,868 --> 00:16:20,332
since I've
deliberately
choked myself
330
00:16:20,401 --> 00:16:23,232
by stuffing her
discarded makeup sponges
down my throat.
331
00:16:23,301 --> 00:16:25,165
What's wrong with you?
332
00:16:26,534 --> 00:16:27,899
Oh, my God.
333
00:16:29,767 --> 00:16:32,498
That does look like
Peter's handwriting.
334
00:16:32,968 --> 00:16:34,065
(GASPING)
335
00:16:34,134 --> 00:16:37,632
There's no doubt anymore.
Peter murdered his wife.
336
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,264
This is fantastic!
I'm completely off the hook.
337
00:16:44,433 --> 00:16:45,732
What the hell?
338
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:48,698
Hey, little man.
Tell Chris
to open his window?
339
00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:57,398
♪ Just around the corner
There's a rainbow in the sky
340
00:16:57,467 --> 00:17:00,531
♪ So let's have
another cup o' coffee
341
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,199
♪ And let's have
another piece o' pie! ♪
342
00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:12,665
Joe, what the hell
is going on?
343
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:16,365
You're a suspect
in Lois' murder,
that's what's going on.
344
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:20,165
Don't make us go good cop,
developmentally
disabled cop on you.
345
00:17:20,234 --> 00:17:26,531
(STUTTERING)
We know that
you killed Lois.
346
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:27,799
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
347
00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:30,166
Hello?
348
00:17:33,733 --> 00:17:34,799
No.
349
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:40,631
We can put you
at the scene
350
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:44,398
where she
was killed.
351
00:17:44,466 --> 00:17:47,199
Hobey's right, Peter.
It doesn't
look good for you.
352
00:17:47,268 --> 00:17:48,932
Joe, you got this
all wrong.
353
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:51,365
Like God did,
when he made
Rosie O'Donnell.
354
00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,798
You can't
put a vagina
on this man.
355
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,565
Why not?
I'm God.
356
00:17:56,633 --> 00:17:59,299
Well, what do you
want to do
about the breasts?
357
00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:02,932
Take a couple out of the bin
we can't find matches for.
358
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:11,632
I... I can't believe
Dad killed Mom.
359
00:18:13,534 --> 00:18:16,999
Look, there he is.
Dad, how could you?
360
00:18:17,068 --> 00:18:20,299
Hey, Dad, if they
put you in jail,
can we go in your room?
361
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,233
Look, don't you kids
buy any of this
for a second.
362
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,799
Your father
is innocent.
363
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:25,364
Oh, he killed her.
364
00:18:25,433 --> 00:18:28,598
Just like the telephone
killed the
telegraph sex business.
365
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:31,132
Hey, baby.
I bet you're hot. Stop.
366
00:18:31,201 --> 00:18:35,364
Describe to me
what you're doing to
yourself right now. Stop.
367
00:18:35,433 --> 00:18:40,364
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!
368
00:18:41,734 --> 00:18:43,398
This trial
is called to order.
369
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:46,431
Defense counsel,
we will hear
your opening statement.
370
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:51,498
Hey, everybody.
Today's the big day.
That's all, Your Honor.
371
00:18:52,233 --> 00:18:53,565
Good. Good.
372
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:55,665
Prosecutor,
call your first witness.
373
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:57,832
Peter called me
right after he
killed my daughter
374
00:18:57,901 --> 00:18:59,199
to tell me
he killed my daughter.
375
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:01,832
Really? Well,
that is interesting.
376
00:19:01,901 --> 00:19:03,498
Yes, and as a favor
to the court,
377
00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:06,798
I've produced
this simulation of how
the killing transpired.
378
00:19:06,868 --> 00:19:11,698
I play Peter,
and I hired an Asian hooker
to play my daughter.
379
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:14,531
Lois, I'm fat
and I'm stupid,
and I fart at times
380
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,665
that ruin
my father-in-law's
social occasions,
381
00:19:16,734 --> 00:19:18,299
and that's why
I'm never invited
to them.
382
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:20,465
You pay me now?
383
00:19:23,401 --> 00:19:24,932
(PEOPLE GASPING)
384
00:19:25,001 --> 00:19:27,166
That's how it happened.
And that Lois
was no saint, either.
385
00:19:27,235 --> 00:19:30,632
Said she'd give me
an over-under for 60 bucks.
Got gipped.
386
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,698
Chris, have you ever
seen your father
do anything bad?
387
00:19:37,433 --> 00:19:38,465
Well, now that
you mention it...
388
00:19:45,034 --> 00:19:46,665
Hey, Meg.
Proud of you.
389
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,499
Has your father ever
killed anyone
that you know of?
390
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,732
Well, once by accident
when he was in the military.
391
00:19:54,801 --> 00:19:56,698
All right.
You all know
your orders.
392
00:19:56,767 --> 00:19:58,465
When you see the Taliban
come over the horizon,
393
00:19:58,534 --> 00:20:00,199
you open fire
immediately.
394
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:02,699
Okay, so when I see
Pat Tillman come over
the horizon, I shoot him.
395
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:05,565
No, no, no.
When you see the enemy
come over the horizon,
396
00:20:05,634 --> 00:20:06,998
you shoot the enemy.
Okay.
397
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:08,298
Good, now repeat
it back to me.
398
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,465
Okay, I shoot Pat Tillman,
then run over the horizon.
399
00:20:10,534 --> 00:20:13,032
No. He's on our side!
You charge the enemy...
400
00:20:13,101 --> 00:20:14,298
Right, and shoot
Pat Tillman.
401
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:15,965
No, no, no, no!
402
00:20:16,034 --> 00:20:18,532
Well, you know what?
You're gonna have to
explain it to me again,
403
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,532
'cause it sounds
to me like I'm
repeating back to you
404
00:20:20,601 --> 00:20:21,965
exactly what
you're telling me,
405
00:20:22,034 --> 00:20:23,532
and obviously,
you're hearing
something different,
406
00:20:23,601 --> 00:20:25,832
so just
one more time.
407
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:29,232
Okay, when you see
the Taliban come over
the horizon, you shoot them.
408
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:30,599
All right, so I
shoot Pat Tillman,
409
00:20:30,667 --> 00:20:31,932
and then run when
the Taliban show up.
410
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,998
No, you shoot the Taliban!
Not Pat Tillman. Got it?
411
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,098
Got it.
You sure?
412
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:37,832
Yep.
All right.
413
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:39,599
Hey, you know
where I can find
Pat Tillman?
414
00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:42,198
Mr. Griffin, do you deny
killing your wife?
415
00:20:42,266 --> 00:20:44,599
Of course I deny it.
I loved my wife.
416
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:46,265
And I certainly think
I'd remember killing her.
417
00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:47,399
Mr. Griffin,
do you drink?
418
00:20:50,268 --> 00:20:51,531
I plead the fifth of Jack.
419
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,264
(LAUGHING)
No, no, I'm joking.
Yes, I drink.
420
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,232
And have you ever
struck your wife?
421
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:56,665
Only in front of
the kids
422
00:20:56,734 --> 00:20:58,932
to assert my status
as dominant male
of the pride.
423
00:20:59,001 --> 00:21:00,398
Are you
a violent man?
424
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,132
What are you,
a wise guy?
425
00:21:02,201 --> 00:21:04,598
'Cause I know how to
deal with wise guys.
426
00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:05,798
No further questions.
427
00:21:05,868 --> 00:21:07,398
You son of a bitch.
428
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:09,832
If I had a gun
on a boat,
I'd shoot you.
429
00:21:13,268 --> 00:21:15,198
Mr. Foreman,
how say you?
430
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:19,231
We find Peter Griffin
guilty of murder
in the first degree.
431
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:20,865
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
432
00:21:20,934 --> 00:21:22,065
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
433
00:21:22,134 --> 00:21:24,332
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
434
00:21:31,301 --> 00:21:34,531
Okay, can I ask everyone
to please stop saying "oh, no"
in this courtroom?
435
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:38,399
'Cause the fucking
Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep
showing up. Thank you.
436
00:21:38,467 --> 00:21:40,899
Mr. Griffin,
I hereby sentence you
to life imprisonment
437
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:41,965
with no possibility of...
438
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:04,632
(ALL GASPING)
439
00:22:04,701 --> 00:22:07,099
Lois. You're alive.
440
00:22:07,168 --> 00:22:08,464
Mom, you're alive!
441
00:22:08,533 --> 00:22:09,965
Oh, my gosh.
Mom!
442
00:22:10,034 --> 00:22:12,398
Lois, my God,
what happened?
We thought you were dead.
443
00:22:12,467 --> 00:22:15,066
Mom, we thought
Dad killed you.
444
00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:19,265
No, he didn't, Chris,
but someone tried to.
445
00:22:19,334 --> 00:22:21,066
Do you remember
who it was?
446
00:22:21,134 --> 00:22:22,832
Yes, I do.
447
00:22:22,901 --> 00:22:24,365
It was Stewie.