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00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:08,299
Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker,
with Channel Five News.
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00:00:08,368 --> 00:00:10,999
We now go live
to Ollie Williams
recapping the events
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00:00:11,067 --> 00:00:12,966
of the last
episode of Family Guy.
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00:00:13,034 --> 00:00:15,065
What happened
last time, Ollie?
Stewie killed Lois!
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00:00:15,133 --> 00:00:16,298
Then what?
Peter got blamed!
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00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:17,432
Then what?
Peter went to court!
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00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:18,565
Then what?
Lois came back!
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00:00:18,633 --> 00:00:19,731
How?
Wasn't really dead!
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00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,331
Thanks, Ollie.
And now Part Two.
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00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,799
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:25,867 --> 00:00:29,132
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
12
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,798
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
13
00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:35,865
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:39,065
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
15
00:00:39,134 --> 00:00:42,498
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:44,065
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:44,134 --> 00:00:45,798
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:45,867 --> 00:00:50,665
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:55,134 --> 00:00:57,598
Oh, Lois, sweetheart,
I'm so glad you're alive!
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00:00:57,667 --> 00:00:59,532
You gotta tell me everything
that happened.
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00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,299
I mean, not tonight,
'cause I got plans
with the guys,
22
00:01:01,368 --> 00:01:03,065
but tomorrow night
I wanna hear all about it.
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00:01:03,134 --> 00:01:04,965
Peter, didn't you hear
what I said?
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00:01:05,034 --> 00:01:06,799
Stewie tried to kill me!
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00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,665
Mom, Stewie's just a baby.
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00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:11,132
No, he's not, Meg!
He's evil.
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00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,798
He shot me point-blank
right on the deck
of the cruise ship.
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LOIS: I would have been dead
if it hadn't been
for a passing merman
29
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:41,932
who treated my wounds
and carried me to safety.
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00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,032
It sounds romantic, I know,
31
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:48,132
but unfortunately he was
kind of a reverse of what
you'd expect a merman to be.
32
00:01:48,201 --> 00:01:50,099
I wish to make
love to you.
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00:01:50,168 --> 00:01:53,731
(CHUCKLING) Oh,
no, thank you.
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00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,032
What are you talking about?
I thought this was
a woman's fantasy.
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00:01:56,101 --> 00:01:58,333
Yeah, but this is
sort of the opposite.
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00:01:58,401 --> 00:02:02,565
Like, if you had
a man's body and fish legs,
then it'd be different.
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00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:04,565
Yeah, but then I
wouldn't have a penis.
Well, but...
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00:02:04,634 --> 00:02:07,232
See, there you go.
I just poked a huge
hole in your logic.
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00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:10,232
I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm just gonna
have to say no.
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00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:12,098
Maybe I feel like
you owe me a little.
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00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:13,665
Ah! Damn it!
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00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,465
(GRUNTING)
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00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:18,632
Unfortunately,
I was suffering
from total amnesia
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00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:20,865
and had no idea who I was.
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00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:25,565
After wandering around
for a while, I discovered
I was in North Carolina,
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00:02:25,634 --> 00:02:28,798
where I managed to get a job
at a summer camp for fat kids.
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00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,865
It was my job
to keep the children
from eating each other.
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00:02:33,934 --> 00:02:36,631
Hey! Hey!
No. No, no, no.
Spit him out!
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00:02:36,701 --> 00:02:39,364
Jeffrey! Spit him out now!
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00:02:39,433 --> 00:02:42,932
And Mike,
you spit out Timmy!
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00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:46,032
Over the next several months,
I developed a relationship
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00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:49,199
with a seemingly nice,
young townie,
named Derek.
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00:02:51,433 --> 00:02:56,099
Eventually, he got
comfortable enough with me to
introduce me to his friends.
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00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:01,799
That's how I found out
he was a white supremacist.
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00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:05,565
Okay, first order
of business, I'd like to
thank Paul and Tracy,
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00:03:05,634 --> 00:03:08,665
who have agreed
to bring cookies for
next week's punch social.
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00:03:08,734 --> 00:03:12,132
Uh, just remember, you two,
Fred is allergic to peanuts.
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00:03:12,201 --> 00:03:14,199
Peanuts and Jews.
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00:03:14,268 --> 00:03:15,899
(ALL LAUGHING)
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00:03:15,967 --> 00:03:17,565
No, but Jews are bad.
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00:03:17,633 --> 00:03:20,598
You know,
it's remarks like that
that started the Holocaust,
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00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,065
and I know
none of us want
that to happen again.
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00:03:23,134 --> 00:03:24,731
(GLASS SHATTERING)
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00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:29,332
And after that blow to
the head, it all started
coming back to me.
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00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,298
So I rushed back to Quahog,
and here I am.
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00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:36,132
So what you're saying is
we've got a homicidal
baby on our hands.
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00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,432
Mom! Dad!
Stewie's gone!
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00:03:42,467 --> 00:03:44,866
Don't worry,
Lois, we'll catch him.
Hobey, radio for backup.
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00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:46,498
Uh...
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00:03:46,567 --> 00:03:48,966
Hello?
DISPATCHER:
This is dispatch, go ahead.
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00:03:49,034 --> 00:03:50,298
Uh...
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00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:54,799
(STAMMERING)
We need more cars
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00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:59,598
'cause we're
trying to find...
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00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:00,866
All right,
we'll do it on the way!
We'll do it on the way!
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00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:01,999
(DOORBELL RINGING)
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00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:07,598
Sorry to bother you,
but we have a fugitive
baby on our hands.
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00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:09,165
Have you seen this child?
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00:04:09,234 --> 00:04:12,632
No, I haven't, Officer,
but I sure will
keep my eyes open.
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MAN: What is it?
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00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:16,765
That killer baby from
the trial's gone missing.
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00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:18,265
MAN: Oh, no!
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00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:19,699
I know!
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00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:21,865
(DOORBELL RINGING)
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00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:23,966
Uh-oh.
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00:04:24,034 --> 00:04:27,999
The police.
Looks like I got
some explaining to do.
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00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,798
No, but how could I
help you, Officer?
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00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:33,199
We're looking for this baby.
Have you seen him?
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00:04:33,268 --> 00:04:37,631
I'm looking for
Kareem under the hoop.
Have you seen him?
89
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,798
No, but I'll let you
know if I see anything.
90
00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:47,898
Mr. Superman no here.
91
00:04:47,967 --> 00:04:49,465
Well, we're
looking for a missing...
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00:04:49,534 --> 00:04:53,598
(STUTTERING)
No, Mr. Superman,
he no is here.
93
00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:57,098
Yeah, okay.
Well, can you just
give him this flier?
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00:04:57,167 --> 00:05:01,131
I... No. No,
I have no money.
95
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,065
Just take this flier,
and if you see this baby...
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00:05:03,134 --> 00:05:04,865
No, no.
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00:05:08,533 --> 00:05:09,699
Boy, I sure hope
they find him.
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00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:10,865
Otherwise,
we're all gonna be...
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00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:13,165
(GUN COCKING)
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00:05:13,233 --> 00:05:15,932
So it's all out in
the open now, isn't it?
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Stewie, how long
you been all messed up
and evil like this?
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Oh, so now you're
interested in Stewie?
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Last week,
when I made that
macaroni picture of an owl,
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00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:25,765
you didn't give a damn!
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00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:27,032
That was an owl?
Yes.
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00:05:27,101 --> 00:05:29,332
And now we're going
to look at it again.
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(GROANING)
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Look, look!
Do you like it?
Yes!
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What do you like
about it, specifically?
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I don't know.
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Pick something,
or I'll blow your
brains out!
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I like how it
looks like an owl.
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Thank you for
the compliment!
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(SOBBING)
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(KNOCK AT DOOR)
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JOE: Hey,
everything okay in there?
I heard shouting.
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(GUN COCKING)
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Dog, answer it. Tell him,
"Yes, everything's fine."
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Yes, Joe,
everything's fine.
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Oh, okay, good.
121
00:06:00,267 --> 00:06:01,265
Make fun of his wheelchair.
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00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:02,698
What?
What?
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00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:05,032
Do it.
Say, "Ha-ha-ha,
you're in a wheelchair."
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00:06:05,101 --> 00:06:07,498
Ha-ha-ha,
you're in a wheelchair.
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What's that
supposed to mean?
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00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:10,966
Say, "I bet you
can't get a boner."
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00:06:11,034 --> 00:06:12,832
I bet you can't
get a boner.
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00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:14,298
That's not very nice, Brian.
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00:06:14,366 --> 00:06:15,565
"Neither is
your mother's ass."
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00:06:15,634 --> 00:06:17,165
Neither is your
mother's ass.
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(SIGHING) Well,
I'll give you that one.
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00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:21,665
Now tell him you've always
thought he was handsome.
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00:06:21,734 --> 00:06:23,665
I've always thought
you were handsome.
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00:06:23,733 --> 00:06:27,132
Well, I got to tell you,
Brian, I'm relieved
to hear you say that.
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Please call me
if you see any
sign of Stewie.
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Tell him,
"Ha-ha-ha, just kidding
about the handsome thing."
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Oh, come on.
Do it!
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Come on,
that meant
a lot to him.
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(GUN COCKING)
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Ha-ha-ha, just kidding
about the handsome thing.
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00:06:38,401 --> 00:06:42,332
Well, that's disappointing.
I needed that boost today.
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All right,
I'll see you later.
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00:06:46,434 --> 00:06:50,732
All right, Lois, I'm hungry.
Take those breasts out.
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00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,932
Wait a minute.
You could've
drugged this.
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Well, I'm no fool.
Brian, taste this.
What?
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00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,598
Go on, taste it!
You're the guinea pig.
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00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:58,999
Lois, he's got a gun.
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Look, I'll do it myself.
How about that?
149
00:07:01,235 --> 00:07:03,498
Uh, I don't know,
he kind of asked me.
150
00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:05,165
I mean, I think we should
do what he says.
151
00:07:05,234 --> 00:07:06,632
Well, yeah, but, Brian...
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00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:08,565
I'm totally willing
to do this for the family.
153
00:07:08,634 --> 00:07:09,665
I'm not sure...
154
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,099
I'll do it.
155
00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:13,698
Hey, Griffins,
just checking in.
156
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,699
Oh, my God!
Holy crap!
157
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,998
Stewie, you killed him!
He's dead!
158
00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:23,865
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
what are we gonna do?
159
00:07:23,934 --> 00:07:25,365
Oh, poor Cleveland.
160
00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:28,099
It's all right,
Lois, he's in Heaven now.
161
00:07:28,168 --> 00:07:31,866
I don't understand
why I need to give you
a credit card imprint.
162
00:07:31,934 --> 00:07:33,499
It's kind of a new policy.
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00:07:33,567 --> 00:07:35,565
I didn't see you ask
the guy in front of me.
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00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:39,099
It's kind of brand new.
Do you have a credit card?
165
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,632
I got a Sears card.
166
00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:43,165
Ah. They're doing
pretty well, huh?
167
00:07:43,234 --> 00:07:47,032
One by my house
got a McDonald's
right in the store.
168
00:07:47,101 --> 00:07:50,132
It won't be long
before the police notice
Cleveland's disappearance.
169
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,165
Black man gone missing,
my God, the media
will be all over that!
170
00:07:53,233 --> 00:07:56,931
All right, if I see
any cops following me,
the dog gets it!
171
00:08:00,234 --> 00:08:02,898
Get in. Come on,
drive, drive, drive!
172
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:08,298
Ooh. There's Joe. Say,
"Joe, I think you're cool."
173
00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:09,998
Joe, I think you're cool.
174
00:08:10,067 --> 00:08:11,665
Well, thank you, Brian.
175
00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:14,332
That's gonna get me
through the rest of
this yard work.
176
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,465
"No, just kidding, you suck."
177
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:16,966
No, just kidding,
you suck.
178
00:08:17,034 --> 00:08:18,698
STEWIE: "Queer."
Queer.
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00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:20,265
(SIGHING)
180
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,065
Well, there goes my smile.
181
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:28,398
You know,
you're not gonna
get away with this.
182
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,999
Kidnapping me is one thing,
but you killed Cleveland!
183
00:08:31,068 --> 00:08:33,264
You forget, I'm the one
holding the gun, Brian.
184
00:08:33,333 --> 00:08:35,531
And you're gonna
do exactly as I say.
185
00:08:35,601 --> 00:08:37,398
You mind if I ask
where we're going?
186
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:39,398
You'll know
soon enough, Brian.
187
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:41,599
The world will
know soon enough.
188
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:44,832
I'll be as big as
I should have been
when I was on American Idol.
189
00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:50,465
♪ I don't mind not knowing
What I'm headed for
190
00:08:50,534 --> 00:08:54,099
♪ You can take me
to the skies
191
00:08:55,467 --> 00:09:00,798
♪ It's like being
lost in heaven
192
00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:06,765
♪ When I'm lost in your eyes ♪
193
00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:09,999
Stewie,
what the hell was that?
194
00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:12,398
That was Lost In Your Eyes
by Debbie Gibson.
195
00:09:12,466 --> 00:09:13,631
One of the worst
I've ever heard.
196
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,465
Okay.
197
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:19,832
Stewie, you shouldn't
actually even be alive,
you sniveling little creep.
198
00:09:19,901 --> 00:09:23,965
I hate you so much,
I want to shoot you
in your face.
199
00:09:24,034 --> 00:09:25,765
All right.
Honey, I like you,
200
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:28,831
but you're just not right
for this competition.
201
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,898
Yo, dawg, I gotta
tell you, for me, man,
202
00:09:30,967 --> 00:09:33,465
that was not even
half good, dude.
203
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:35,999
You can't sing.
What are you doing, Stewie?
204
00:09:36,068 --> 00:09:38,832
(SOBBING) I don't even care.
They don't know what
they's talking about.
205
00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:40,265
Next time they
hear about me,
206
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:43,198
they's gonna be, like,
"We was wrong about Stewie."
207
00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:44,999
'Cause I's gonna be huge.
208
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:48,232
I's gonna be bigger
than every one of all y'alls.
209
00:09:52,267 --> 00:09:53,598
Hey. Hey, you know
what we should do, guys,
210
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:55,698
while we're here
tied up like this?
What?
211
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:58,865
We should come up with
a totally bogus rumor
about a celebrity.
212
00:09:58,934 --> 00:10:00,165
And then when we
get out of here,
213
00:10:00,234 --> 00:10:01,698
we'll spread it
around as much as we can.
214
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,098
That sounds like fun!
215
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,032
Actually, that does
sound like fun.
216
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,265
What'd you have in mind?
217
00:10:06,334 --> 00:10:08,365
Uh... Okay, okay,
how about this?
218
00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:10,799
Hey, did you guys hear
about Rob Schneider?
219
00:10:10,867 --> 00:10:13,399
Somebody told me
he goes down to Home Depot
220
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:16,232
and pays the migrant workers
to go to his house
221
00:10:16,301 --> 00:10:18,732
and choke him
while he masturbates
in the shower.
222
00:10:18,801 --> 00:10:21,098
I could buy that.
That sounds like
something he'd do.
223
00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:24,198
Well, I think that's awful
that Rob Schneider does that.
224
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:26,498
Yeah,
isn't that a disgusting,
absolute fact?
225
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:29,032
Yeah! We're
starting a rumor!
226
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:31,932
Wait a minute.
Chris, are you clapping?
Yeah!
227
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,899
So your hands are free.
Yeah!
228
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,565
Stewie didn't
tie up your hands.
229
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:37,098
No, he must have forgot.
230
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:40,299
You've realized,
we've been sitting
here for 14 hours.
231
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:42,165
Well, get pissy
if you want, Mom.
232
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:43,265
I've enjoyed the time
we've had as a family.
233
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,532
(YELLING)
234
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:06,365
What is it?
What did you do?
235
00:11:06,434 --> 00:11:08,098
You almost shot me,
you son of a bitch!
236
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,365
That's because you yelled!
237
00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:12,166
No, you shot the gun first.
That's why I yelled!
238
00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:16,431
"That's why I yelled."
I'm watching you, buddy.
239
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,333
There's gotta be
some clue in here
240
00:11:20,401 --> 00:11:22,266
that'll tell us where
Stewie might have gone.
241
00:11:22,335 --> 00:11:23,398
(DOOR BUZZING)
242
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:38,498
Wow! Look at
all this cool stuff!
243
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:41,065
Man, what do you
think these things do?
244
00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:44,299
(IN PETER'S VOICE)
Guess it doesn't
do anything.
245
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:45,799
(IN LOIS' VOICE)
Well, that seems odd.
246
00:11:45,867 --> 00:11:46,899
(BOTH YELLING)
247
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:49,498
Oh, my God, Peter!
You're me!
248
00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:51,399
Holy crap!
249
00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:53,432
Sweet!
250
00:11:53,501 --> 00:11:54,699
(CHUCKLING)
251
00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:55,765
(HUMMING)
252
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:00,599
Squeeze,
squeeze.
253
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,465
What does this do?
254
00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:11,432
Admiral,
there be whales here!
255
00:12:13,034 --> 00:12:14,999
STEWIE:
All right, pull in here.
256
00:12:17,134 --> 00:12:19,865
The CIA. What the hell
are we doing here?
257
00:12:19,933 --> 00:12:21,765
You'll need
CIA credentials, Brian.
258
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:23,032
What do you want
your alias to be?
259
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:24,199
What are you talking about?
I'm not gonna...
260
00:12:24,267 --> 00:12:26,265
Pick a name for yourself!
Willem Dafoe.
261
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:28,165
Ugh. Not that one.
I used to have a Willem Dafoe
living under my bed.
262
00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:35,298
Hey, you asleep yet?
263
00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:36,365
(STUTTERING)
264
00:12:37,034 --> 00:12:38,098
No.
265
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:39,198
Just checking.
266
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,898
What exactly are
you looking for?
267
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:57,599
According to my schematics,
it should be right in here.
268
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:02,065
Well, this isn't
quite right, is it?
269
00:13:03,368 --> 00:13:04,799
Hello, gentlemen.
270
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:07,099
Great day to be
protecting freedom,
wouldn't you say?
271
00:13:07,168 --> 00:13:10,765
Yeah, US of freakin' A.
We're number one.
272
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:12,465
Space shuttle
and all that.
273
00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:13,999
Terrific.
274
00:13:14,068 --> 00:13:15,832
Hello, Smith.
How are you today?
275
00:13:15,901 --> 00:13:17,166
Fine, sir.
What's new?
276
00:13:17,233 --> 00:13:19,032
Do you know what
I heard this morning?
277
00:13:19,101 --> 00:13:22,331
Apparently,
Rob Schneider goes down
to Home Depot...
278
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,264
And pays the migrant workers
to come home and choke him
279
00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:25,398
while he masturbates
in the shower.
280
00:13:25,466 --> 00:13:26,832
Yeah, he's been
doing that for years.
281
00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:28,199
Sick bastard.
282
00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:38,531
This is it, Brian.
283
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,631
My plan for world domination
is about to come to fruition.
284
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:45,832
(ALARM BLARING)
285
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:48,665
Stewie, for God's sake,
they know we're here.
286
00:13:48,734 --> 00:13:49,732
What are you
trying to do?
287
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,698
Once I locate
the proper code sequence,
288
00:13:51,767 --> 00:13:54,298
this terminal will allow me
to take command
of the satellites
289
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,965
which control
the world's power grid.
290
00:13:56,034 --> 00:13:57,565
Once they're
under my control,
291
00:13:57,633 --> 00:14:00,032
the entire world
will be subject
to my whims.
292
00:14:05,101 --> 00:14:06,131
Go away, you paperclip!
No one likes you!
293
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,698
(BANGING AT DOOR)
294
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:09,798
BULLOCK: Open up in there,
or we're breaking down
the door!
295
00:14:19,801 --> 00:14:20,865
I love you, Katie.
296
00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:22,598
I love you, too, Tom.
297
00:14:24,434 --> 00:14:26,432
Oh, my God! I'm free!
298
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:33,032
The force field is down!
Go! Now!
299
00:14:36,034 --> 00:14:37,999
I'd drop the gun
if I were you, Joe.
300
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,464
What? It's Stan.
301
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:41,531
Sorry,
you look sort of
like someone from...
302
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,264
Anyway, I'd drop
the gun if I were you.
303
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:46,132
I now control
the entire planet's
power grid,
304
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,865
and unless you want me
to send you all
back to the Dark Ages,
305
00:14:48,934 --> 00:14:51,032
you'll do exactly as I say.
306
00:14:52,201 --> 00:14:53,498
What are your demands?
307
00:14:57,467 --> 00:14:59,799
We interrupt this program
to bring you
a special message
308
00:14:59,867 --> 00:15:01,865
from the new president
of the world.
309
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:03,565
Greetings, loyal minions.
310
00:15:03,634 --> 00:15:04,632
(GASPS)
311
00:15:04,701 --> 00:15:06,532
Stewie?
Oh, my God!
312
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:07,599
What the hell!
313
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,065
Good gravy!
314
00:15:09,134 --> 00:15:11,432
Senor Rob Schneider,
you must come see the news!
315
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,965
I'm not paying you
guys to watch TV.
Now get in the damn shower!
316
00:15:22,701 --> 00:15:24,299
Brian, come here.
317
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,699
I want you to hear
my presidential address
for St. Rupert's Day.
318
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:29,232
I'm unveiling
all the new laws
I have passed.
319
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:32,732
Screw off.
I don't want anything to do
with you or your damn laws.
320
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,099
Just take a look, will you?
321
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,065
(SIGHING)
322
00:15:36,134 --> 00:15:38,565
You're banning
straight-to-video
Disney films?
323
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,398
Absolutely.
I mean, look at this.
324
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:44,199
Aladdin 4:
Jafar May Need Glasses.
325
00:15:44,268 --> 00:15:46,432
Number one,
number two.
326
00:15:47,967 --> 00:15:49,699
(STUTTERING)
327
00:15:49,768 --> 00:15:52,065
Number one,
number two.
328
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:54,032
(STUTTERING)
329
00:15:54,101 --> 00:15:57,032
About the same.
Number one might be
a tiny bit better.
330
00:15:57,101 --> 00:15:59,832
Number three,
number four.
331
00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:01,332
Number three.
332
00:16:01,401 --> 00:16:03,665
Five and six.
333
00:16:05,001 --> 00:16:05,999
(SIGHS)
334
00:16:07,168 --> 00:16:09,399
Five and six.
335
00:16:12,934 --> 00:16:14,299
About the same?
336
00:16:14,368 --> 00:16:17,598
Yeah, they're pretty much...
Can I see five one more time?
337
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:20,299
Five and six.
338
00:16:20,368 --> 00:16:21,732
Yeah, they're about the same.
339
00:16:24,001 --> 00:16:25,132
Greetings,
unwashed masses.
340
00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:29,532
The following laws
will go into
effect immediately.
341
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,499
Henceforth,
sexual intercourse
is illegal.
342
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:36,032
It is gross and disgusting
and punishable by death.
343
00:16:36,101 --> 00:16:40,099
Origami keeps my hands busy
and my mind off sex.
344
00:16:40,168 --> 00:16:45,832
There we go.
I made a swan.
Stewie's a good leader.
345
00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:49,798
I wonder how many
of these swans
I can fit in my bum.
346
00:16:49,867 --> 00:16:51,731
In addition,
from this day forward,
347
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,731
all the nation's milk
must come from
Hilary Swank's breasts.
348
00:16:56,434 --> 00:16:57,532
Hey, I don't give
a damn what you want.
349
00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,365
Just get the hell
off of my property!
350
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:02,065
Look, Hilary,
all I know is,
it's breakfast time,
351
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,565
I've got this
bowl of cornflakes,
352
00:17:03,633 --> 00:17:05,231
and I gotta be
at work at 9:00.
353
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:06,465
So what are we
gonna do here?
354
00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:08,065
Not so fast.
355
00:17:08,134 --> 00:17:10,799
Did you know you'd have
to eat 17 bowls
of those cornflakes
356
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:14,065
to get the same
nutritional value
in one bowl of Total?
357
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,966
Say, that's a lot easier
than eating 17 bowls!
358
00:17:17,034 --> 00:17:18,632
And it's easier
on my breasts!
359
00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:21,266
Everybody wins!
360
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:25,032
♪ Hilary Swank
Get your milk from her ♪
361
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:26,598
Yeah!
Yeah!
362
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:29,598
Also,
as I've had quite enough
of the fat man,
363
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:33,498
anyone who sees Peter Griffin
must throw apples at him.
364
00:17:33,567 --> 00:17:34,965
Yeah,
I'd like to make a deposit.
What the hell?
365
00:17:35,034 --> 00:17:36,065
TELLER: It's the law, sir.
366
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,433
Now, I have no doubt
367
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:42,032
that perhaps there may
exist some mild discontent
amongst some of you
368
00:17:42,101 --> 00:17:44,231
at the recent changes
I have implemented.
369
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,565
Lest you be considering
any sort of uprising,
370
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:49,132
I warn you,
I am quite prepared
to make an example
371
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,665
of any undesirable elements.
And don't think I don't
know who you are.
372
00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:57,299
♪ As someday it may happen
That a victim must be found
373
00:17:57,367 --> 00:18:00,465
♪ I've got a little list
I've got a little list
374
00:18:00,534 --> 00:18:04,065
♪ Of society offenders
Who might well be underground
375
00:18:04,134 --> 00:18:07,298
♪ And who never
would be missed
Who never would be missed
376
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:09,232
♪ There's the white kid
With the baggy clothes
377
00:18:09,301 --> 00:18:10,865
♪ Who's talking like
he's black
378
00:18:10,933 --> 00:18:14,232
♪ The girl you date
who doesn't get
The jokes in Caddyshack
379
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:17,632
♪ The Asian guy
who cuts in front
Of every single line
380
00:18:17,701 --> 00:18:21,099
♪ And Britney Spears
For accidentally
showing her vagine
381
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:24,431
♪ And Bill O'Reilly's
Ineffective dermatologist
382
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:27,832
♪ They'd none of
them be missed
They'd none of them be missed
383
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:30,866
♪ He's got them on the list
He's got them on the list
384
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:35,131
♪ And they'd none
of them be missed
They'd none of them be missed
385
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:44,865
♪ There's the guy
behind the news reporter
Waving like a fool
386
00:18:44,934 --> 00:18:48,098
♪ And senator Bill Frist
I've got him on the list
387
00:18:48,166 --> 00:18:51,832
♪ And the fat kid
smiling warmly
While he's peeing in the pool
388
00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:55,098
♪ He never would be missed
He never would be missed
389
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:58,865
♪ There's the foul-smelling
boy who comes to
school in camouflage
390
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:02,332
♪ And every bleeding member
Of the cast of Entourage
391
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,799
♪ And while we're
on the subject
HBO deserves a whack
392
00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:09,299
♪ For ending The Sopranos
With a fucking cut to black
393
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:12,731
♪ And guys who when
you shake their hand
Just bump you with their fist
394
00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:16,132
♪ I don't think
they'd be missed
I'm sure they'd not be missed
395
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,431
♪ He's got them on the list
He's got them on the list
396
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:23,899
♪ And they'd none
of them be missed
They'd none of them be missed
397
00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:28,198
♪ There's the guy
who sits beside you
398
00:19:28,266 --> 00:19:29,932
♪ And keeps
farting on the plane
399
00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:33,332
♪ And Shakira's lyricist
I've got him on the list
400
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,066
♪ And the smarty
on Thanksgiving
Who says it's the tryptophane
401
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:40,332
♪ He never would be missed
He never would be missed
402
00:19:40,401 --> 00:19:42,199
♪ There's the blonde
who tells you loudly
403
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,032
♪ With a voice
just like a knife
404
00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:47,565
♪ "You know,
someone should do a sitcom
Based around my life"
405
00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:50,999
♪ The guy who
watched The Simpsons
Back in 1994
406
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:54,465
♪ And won't admit
the damn thing
Isn't funny anymore
407
00:19:54,534 --> 00:20:00,331
♪ And anyone and everyone
Who's ever made me pissed!
408
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,932
♪ Made me pissed
Made me really, really pissed
409
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,431
♪ I've got them on the list
410
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:12,066
♪ They'd none of
them be missed!
411
00:20:12,134 --> 00:20:15,065
♪ He's got them on the list
He's got them on the list
412
00:20:15,134 --> 00:20:16,765
♪ And they'd none
of them be missed
413
00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:21,598
♪ They'd none of them
be missed
414
00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:23,532
♪ None of them be missed ♪
415
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:26,431
That is enough!
416
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:28,231
Peter,
I am not gonna stand by
417
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:31,298
while other people suffer
at the hands of my own baby.
418
00:20:31,366 --> 00:20:33,498
I brought Stewie
into this world.
419
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,632
It's time for me
to take him out.
420
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:36,698
How the hell are
you gonna do...
421
00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:37,765
(YELLING)
422
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:39,299
Sorry, Dad!
423
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:42,099
That's okay, Chris.
You're a good boy
following the law.
424
00:20:42,168 --> 00:20:43,832
But you, Meg,
you're going to jail.
425
00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:00,898
(SIGHS)
426
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:03,398
All right, Peter,
I'm going to kill Stewie.
Dinner's in the oven.
427
00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:06,532
All you have to do
is turn it to 350
at about 5:15.
428
00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:08,398
Yeah, okay, Lois.
Are you listening?
429
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:09,798
Yeah.
What did I just say?
430
00:21:09,867 --> 00:21:12,165
Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15.
I heard it!
431
00:21:14,933 --> 00:21:17,165
All right, sir,
your presidential
portrait is finished.
432
00:21:17,233 --> 00:21:18,298
Let me see.
433
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,665
Ah. Excellent.
434
00:21:20,733 --> 00:21:23,565
Much better than
the one Gary Larson did.
435
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:27,665
Why would I even be
talking to a chicken?
436
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:32,498
Lois!
437
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:35,999
Stewie, your reign of terror
has come to an end.
438
00:21:36,068 --> 00:21:39,598
I will not stand by
while you make
innocent people suffer.
439
00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:43,632
Bring it on, bitch.
Time for me to finish
what I started anyway.
440
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,598
(SCREAMING)
441
00:23:16,501 --> 00:23:18,198
(GUN COCKING)
442
00:23:18,267 --> 00:23:21,399
Go ahead, Lois, do it.
Shoot me.
443
00:23:21,468 --> 00:23:24,098
Shoot your
little baby Stewie.
444
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,264
(SIGHS)
445
00:23:31,333 --> 00:23:35,999
I can't do it. You're
a terrible, evil child,
but you're still my baby,
446
00:23:36,068 --> 00:23:38,765
and I could
never hurt you.
447
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:41,198
Well,
that works out perfectly,
because I can hurt you.
448
00:23:41,267 --> 00:23:44,198
Say hi to Cleveland for me.
Oh, and Mr. Weed.
449
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:48,798
(GUNSHOT)
450
00:23:50,867 --> 00:23:51,865
(GUNSHOT)
451
00:23:54,034 --> 00:23:57,265
It's just been revoked.
452
00:23:57,334 --> 00:23:59,865
Peter,
he didn't really set you up
for that Lethal Weapon line.
453
00:23:59,934 --> 00:24:01,365
It doesn't
really work here.
454
00:24:01,434 --> 00:24:02,531
(EXCLAIMS)
455
00:24:02,601 --> 00:24:05,465
I'll have what
she's having.
456
00:24:05,533 --> 00:24:07,531
That's better.
457
00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:31,899
Hey, Stewie, we got
a postcard from Peter
and Lois on the cruise.
458
00:24:31,968 --> 00:24:33,299
What are you doing?
459
00:24:33,367 --> 00:24:36,331
Oh, hello, Brian.
Well, you recall my
complaining about Lois
460
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,731
and the fat man not
taking me with them?
Yeah.
461
00:24:38,801 --> 00:24:41,431
Yes, well,
you said I didn't have
it in me to kill Lois,
462
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:44,799
so I was just running
a simulation to find out
exactly how killing her
463
00:24:44,867 --> 00:24:46,799
and taking over the world
would play out for me.
464
00:24:46,867 --> 00:24:48,032
Yeah? How'd that go?
465
00:24:48,100 --> 00:24:50,598
Not well, Brian. Not well.
466
00:24:50,667 --> 00:24:54,431
I suppose I'm not
ready to kill Lois
or take over the world.
467
00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:55,766
Yet.
468
00:24:55,834 --> 00:24:57,998
So, what you're saying is
that what you experienced
469
00:24:58,067 --> 00:25:00,932
in the simulation
didn't really happen
or even matter.
470
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,065
Yes, that's correct.
So it was sort
of like a dream.
471
00:25:04,134 --> 00:25:05,565
No, it was a simulation.
472
00:25:05,634 --> 00:25:08,299
Yes, but theoretically,
if someone watched the events
473
00:25:08,368 --> 00:25:10,565
of that simulation
from start to finish,
474
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:12,999
only to find out
that none of it
really happened...
475
00:25:13,067 --> 00:25:17,432
I mean, you don't think
that would be just like
a giant middle finger to them?
476
00:25:17,501 --> 00:25:20,232
Well, hopefully,
they would have
enjoyed the ride.
477
00:25:20,301 --> 00:25:23,698
I don't know, man.
I think you piss
a lot of people off that way.
478
00:25:23,767 --> 00:25:25,665
Well, at least it didn't end
like The Sopranos,
479
00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:27,399
where it just cut
to black in mid...