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00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,866
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,934 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,565
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,634 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:31,132
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:32,034 --> 00:00:33,966
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
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00:00:36,768 --> 00:00:37,799
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:00:37,868 --> 00:00:39,266
And I'm Diane Simmons,
reporting live
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00:00:39,334 --> 00:00:42,065
from the 35th annual
Quahog Veteran's
Day celebration.
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00:00:42,134 --> 00:00:46,199
Yes, it was 35 years ago
today that James Veteran
stood up to City Hall
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00:00:46,268 --> 00:00:48,832
and said,
"I demand a parade
in my name."
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00:00:48,901 --> 00:00:52,766
And after a heated bidding
war with Edward Memorial
and Reginald Aprilfools,
17
00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:53,832
he got his wish.
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00:00:53,901 --> 00:00:55,632
And here comes
the parade!
19
00:00:55,701 --> 00:00:58,732
First up, a float
from the Veterans
of Future Wars.
20
00:01:02,867 --> 00:01:06,098
And here comes
whackadoo film director,
Oliver Stone.
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00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,765
Oliver's here promoting
his new movie,
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00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:11,066
Born on the Fourth of July 2:
Born on the Fifth of July,
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00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:15,099
which he promises
will be even July-ier
than the original.
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00:01:15,168 --> 00:01:17,899
A dangerously insane
human being.
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00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:21,132
And here comes
the next float, honoring
uninjured veterans.
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00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:22,198
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
27
00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:23,332
Yeah!
We rock!
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Our wives
stayed with us.
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00:01:26,801 --> 00:01:28,298
Think fast!
We did!
30
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,765
(CHEERING)
31
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,599
Mom, how come
when we see these guys
on the street corner
32
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,232
you tell me not to
stare at them,
33
00:01:35,301 --> 00:01:36,899
and today that's all
we're doing?
34
00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:40,132
Because, Chris,
as Americans, we owe
our lives to these veterans.
35
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,832
Hey, look, Lois,
"The John McCain
Experience."
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00:01:46,034 --> 00:01:47,899
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
37
00:01:47,967 --> 00:01:50,665
(SOBBING)
I wanna be President!
38
00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:57,032
Brian, I can't see.
I'm gonna try
and get a little closer.
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00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,565
Um...
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00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:00,065
You shouldn't be...
41
00:02:00,134 --> 00:02:01,231
Um...
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00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:03,498
You need to...
43
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:04,699
Um...
44
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:05,765
Uh...
45
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,832
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
46
00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:08,699
Hold on.
47
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,165
Um...
48
00:02:10,234 --> 00:02:11,332
Hello?
49
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:12,465
Yeah, I'm telling him.
50
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:16,631
(PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN
PLAYING)
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00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:18,698
What is that?
52
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:25,565
♪ And I'm proud to be
an American
where at least I know I'm free
53
00:02:25,634 --> 00:02:31,765
♪ And I won't forget
the men who died
who gave that right to me
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00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:39,232
♪ And I'll gladly stand up
next to you
and defend her still today
55
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:44,332
♪ 'Cause there ain't no doubt
I love this land
56
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:50,765
♪ God bless the USA ♪
57
00:02:50,834 --> 00:02:53,465
Oh, my God!
That was beautiful!
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00:02:53,534 --> 00:02:55,665
I am proud
to be an American,
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00:02:55,734 --> 00:02:59,299
and I am going
to love my country
like never before.
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00:02:59,367 --> 00:03:01,598
Anybody wanna see
my Purple Heart?
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00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:08,865
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
Superman 5: The Broken Condom.
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00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:12,065
Hey, Lois, ready
to go to dinner?
63
00:03:12,134 --> 00:03:14,631
Yeah, sure.
Just let me grab
my purse.
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00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,932
Okay, ready.
65
00:03:23,001 --> 00:03:26,899
Ooh! On second thought,
I got something I gotta do
back on Krypton.
66
00:03:26,968 --> 00:03:28,365
I thought Krypton
was destroyed.
67
00:03:28,433 --> 00:03:31,231
I think we should
see other people.
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00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:33,432
Good morning,
my American family.
69
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,331
Peter, where did
you get that suit?
70
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,798
My God, you look like
the Statue of Liberty's pimp.
71
00:03:38,867 --> 00:03:41,032
This is how
a patriot dresses, Lois.
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00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,998
Boy, I never knew
it would feel this good
to love my country.
73
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:46,532
It's like loving God
or a step-parent.
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00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,465
You never really
feel them love you back,
but that's okay
75
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:52,364
because they got
other stuff going on,
and you understand.
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00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:55,099
Peter, you do realize
there's a difference
between loving America
77
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:56,232
and being swept up
in post-9/11 paranoia.
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00:03:58,967 --> 00:04:01,198
Brian, are you suggesting
that 9/11
didn't change everything?
79
00:04:01,267 --> 00:04:02,699
What? No, I was just...
80
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:06,598
Because 9/11
changed everything, Brian.
9/11 changed everything.
81
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:09,932
Peter, you didn't even know
what 9/11 was until 2004.
82
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,233
That's not true, Brian.
I remember 9/11.
83
00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:15,732
(SCOFFS)
84
00:04:15,801 --> 00:04:17,531
Must have been
a woman pilot, huh?
85
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:22,966
Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
86
00:04:23,034 --> 00:04:26,133
Lois, I am doing my duty
as a patriotic American.
87
00:04:26,201 --> 00:04:28,398
I'm sacrificing a goat
to Toby Keith.
88
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:32,233
Peter, Toby Keith
doesn't want to be fed.
Toby Keith wants to hunt.
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00:04:32,301 --> 00:04:34,365
Hey, listen,
don't tell me
what Toby Keith wants.
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00:04:34,433 --> 00:04:35,498
I think I'm perfectly
capable...
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00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,798
(GOAT BLEATING)
92
00:04:44,266 --> 00:04:46,098
You're all doing
such a great job,
93
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,965
I wanted to play
you a song I wrote
94
00:04:48,034 --> 00:04:50,132
about what America
means to me.
95
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:54,098
♪ When you say USA
96
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,865
♪ I just say hooray
97
00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:59,233
♪ And if you're not from here
98
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:03,099
♪ God's gonna hunt you down
and give you AIDS
99
00:05:03,168 --> 00:05:04,198
♪ USA! ♪
100
00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:13,232
Wow, Peter,
you're really becoming
quite the patriot.
101
00:05:16,034 --> 00:05:18,765
You bet I am. I just had
my penis tattooed to look
like the space shuttle
102
00:05:18,834 --> 00:05:20,032
and my balls tattooed
to look
like launch exhaust.
103
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,232
QUAGMIRE: That bastard!
That was my idea!
104
00:05:24,301 --> 00:05:26,432
He stole it!
I was gonna do that
to my penis!
105
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:28,332
Oh, well, maybe
I can do something else.
106
00:05:28,401 --> 00:05:30,899
Like, like,
like the Space Needle.
107
00:05:30,967 --> 00:05:34,399
Or a banana. Or a Sharpie.
108
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:37,232
I'm boring myself.
Guess I'll listen
to some music.
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00:05:37,301 --> 00:05:39,398
♪ 'Cause I love a rainy night
110
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:42,965
♪ Yeah, I love a rainy night ♪
111
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:47,364
(IN PORTUGUESE)
112
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,498
Man, that really
makes me mad.
113
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,465
Illegal immigrants
coming into this country,
114
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:03,098
taking all the good jobs
away from Americans.
115
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:06,932
Well, I am gonna make sure
people like that stay out
of Quahog from now on.
116
00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:11,398
We are gonna patrol
the borders and keep this town
as clean as a Jewish porno.
117
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:13,499
I own four apartment
buildings.
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00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:14,866
Mmm...
119
00:06:14,934 --> 00:06:16,665
I have central air.
120
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:18,099
Oh!
121
00:06:18,167 --> 00:06:20,966
And a well-funded 401k.
122
00:06:21,034 --> 00:06:22,165
Ah!
123
00:06:22,234 --> 00:06:26,531
We are gonna have sex
at some point!
124
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:29,099
All right, guys,
it's gonna be a long night
of border patrol,
125
00:06:29,168 --> 00:06:31,665
so I brought along
Michael McDonald
to help us out.
126
00:06:31,733 --> 00:06:33,099
How's he
gonna help us?
127
00:06:33,168 --> 00:06:35,598
He's gonna do
back-up vocals
for everything we say.
128
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,199
How's he gonna know
what we're saying?
129
00:06:37,268 --> 00:06:38,765
♪ How's he gonna know
what we're saying? ♪
130
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:39,965
Is he gonna do it
for all of us?
131
00:06:40,034 --> 00:06:41,765
♪ Is he gonna do it
for all of us? ♪
132
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,465
Yeah, I hired him
for the night.
133
00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:45,798
It costs, like, $2.50
an hour, so don't skimp
on the conversation.
134
00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:49,599
♪ ...so don't skimp
on the conversation ♪
135
00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:51,065
That sounds nice.
136
00:06:54,967 --> 00:06:57,432
Peter, why did
you have my
acupuncturist arrested?
137
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,932
Because he was
an illegal immigrant
138
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,731
and a threat
to our national security.
139
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,232
He was an 85-year-old
Korean Buddhist.
140
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,665
Or was he
a supreme leader
of Al Qaeda?
141
00:07:05,734 --> 00:07:08,032
I guess we'll find out
if he ever gets a trial.
142
00:07:08,101 --> 00:07:10,132
Peter, America was founded
by immigrants.
143
00:07:10,201 --> 00:07:12,832
Everyone here
is the descendant
of an immigrant.
144
00:07:12,901 --> 00:07:14,532
They're a vital part
of our society.
145
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,966
They are part of
the Rebel Alliance and
a traitor. Take him away.
146
00:07:18,034 --> 00:07:20,731
Peter, have you seen
Stewie's
Speedy Gonzales video?
147
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:22,232
He won't go to sleep
without it.
148
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,765
I threw it away.
149
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:27,232
What? What the hell, man?
I don't throw away
your stuff!
150
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,498
And where's my goat?
151
00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:30,331
Peter, why would
you do that?
152
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,264
Because Speedy Gonzales
is an immigrant
153
00:07:32,333 --> 00:07:34,231
and a bad influence
on our children.
154
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:37,698
So, I created
his American equivalent,
Rapid Dave.
155
00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:40,799
I got you now, mouse.
156
00:07:40,868 --> 00:07:42,699
Yeah?
Well, up your ass, cat.
157
00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:45,632
Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!
158
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:50,965
Hey, Fuad,
can I buy you
a cup of coffee?
159
00:07:51,034 --> 00:07:54,932
(LAUGHS) Yes!
Is funny
because is free!
160
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,399
Anyone can have!
161
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:57,465
That's right.
162
00:07:57,534 --> 00:07:58,698
(LAUGHING)
163
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,098
That's the joke.
164
00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:01,532
Oh, yes.
165
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:04,232
Why, you son of a bitch.
166
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:06,432
Angela, I have
a complaint.
167
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:07,565
What is it, Griffin?
168
00:08:07,633 --> 00:08:09,531
I think Fuad
is an illegal immigrant,
169
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,832
and I cannot stand by
while he steals wages and
opportunities from citizens.
170
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:15,732
I mean, this is
an American company.
171
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,531
You don't see Nike or
Microsoft or General Motors
or Ford or Boeing
172
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,865
or Coca-Cola or
Kellogg's profiting
from non-American labor.
173
00:08:22,934 --> 00:08:24,032
(LAUGHING)
174
00:08:24,101 --> 00:08:26,732
FUAD: Is funny
because they all do!
175
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,432
(LAUGHING)
176
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:31,166
You have a point, Griffin.
Maybe we should
run a company-wide check
177
00:08:31,234 --> 00:08:33,565
to make sure all our personnel
are legal citizens.
178
00:08:33,634 --> 00:08:34,899
Now you're talking, Angela.
179
00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:36,299
This country needs
more immigrants
180
00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:39,166
like my cousin Peter the Pig
needs a new house.
181
00:08:39,234 --> 00:08:41,131
(BLOWING)
182
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,032
PETER THE PIG:
I wouldn't do that,
if I were you.
183
00:08:43,101 --> 00:08:45,499
What?
I said, I wouldn't do that.
184
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:48,699
I said knock it off!
185
00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:49,798
Why?
186
00:08:49,867 --> 00:08:51,433
Because I just made
stool in there,
187
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:53,999
and if you blow it down,
the whole woods
is gonna stink.
188
00:08:54,068 --> 00:08:56,799
Do you understand?
Do you
understand me, sir?
189
00:08:57,533 --> 00:08:59,565
(DOORBELL RINGS)
190
00:08:59,633 --> 00:09:01,299
Peter, what
brings you here?
191
00:09:01,368 --> 00:09:02,465
Hi, Mom.
192
00:09:02,534 --> 00:09:04,198
Hey, there's
a new policy at work
193
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:06,299
where everyone
has to prove
they're an American,
194
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:08,132
and I need
my birth certificate.
195
00:09:09,034 --> 00:09:12,099
Oh, dear.
Peter, sit down.
196
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,132
I don't know
how to tell you this,
197
00:09:15,201 --> 00:09:17,299
but you weren't
born in America.
198
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,065
You were born
in Mexico.
199
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:20,698
What?
200
00:09:20,767 --> 00:09:23,698
When I found out
that your real father
was a drunken Irishman,
201
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:27,565
I went to Mexico
to terminate my pregnancy.
202
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:31,398
But God had other plans,
and you were born right there.
203
00:09:35,934 --> 00:09:39,231
You were so beautiful,
and I loved you,
204
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:44,032
but when I got back home,
I was so afraid of being
judged by the community
205
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:47,032
that I never filled out
the paperwork
to make you a citizen.
206
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:49,632
Mom, what are
you saying?
207
00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:53,066
Peter, as far as
the US government
is concerned,
208
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:55,832
you're an illegal
Mexican immigrant.
209
00:09:55,901 --> 00:09:57,332
Holy crap!
210
00:09:57,401 --> 00:09:58,433
(LAUGHING)
211
00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:00,465
Looks like I've got
myself in a bind!
212
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:01,932
How will I get out
of this one?
213
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,565
Stick around...
214
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:06,298
♪ 'Cause we've got Cleveland
and Quagmire,
and Joe and Mort
215
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:09,432
♪ And all your cartoon pals ♪
216
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,066
Peter, how come
you're not at work?
217
00:10:17,134 --> 00:10:19,498
I got fired for being
an illegal immigrant.
218
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:23,398
Oh, dear. You know, Peter,
you can always
take a citizenship test.
219
00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:26,365
I mean,
if Wilmer Valderrama passed,
it can't be that difficult.
220
00:10:26,433 --> 00:10:29,932
Well, by that logic, Lois,
it can't be that difficult
to nail Lindsay Lohan.
221
00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,233
I don't think it is.
222
00:10:31,301 --> 00:10:33,365
Oh! Well,
good news there.
223
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,099
All right, you wanna
head down to the INS?
224
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:40,131
So, give me
the good news.
Did I pass?
225
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,498
I'm afraid
it doesn't look good
for you, Senor Griffin.
226
00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:45,164
So far, you've
failed everything,
227
00:10:45,233 --> 00:10:48,631
including the
"Behaving Like an American
at the Airport" test.
228
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:52,531
No, it wasn't bad.
Yeah, I'm on the way
to the next plane now.
229
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,199
Yeah, I got a middle seat,
so I'm gonna see
if I can switch.
230
00:10:55,268 --> 00:10:56,531
Oh, a Sbarro!
231
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,366
I'm gonna get
a big, fat piece of pizza
232
00:10:58,435 --> 00:11:00,032
so I got something
to stuff in my face
233
00:11:00,101 --> 00:11:01,998
while I'm reading
USA Today.
234
00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:05,732
The only thing remaining
is the oral test,
which I will administer here.
235
00:11:05,801 --> 00:11:08,965
Now, question number one.
Who discovered America?
236
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:11,165
Dick York?
No.
237
00:11:11,234 --> 00:11:12,865
Dick Sargent.
It was Dick Sargent.
238
00:11:12,934 --> 00:11:14,065
(SIGHS)
239
00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:16,099
Question number two.
Complete this sentence.
240
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:19,866
"The land of the free
and the home of the blank."
241
00:11:19,934 --> 00:11:21,932
Home of the Whopper?
You've got to be kidding me.
242
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,598
Mr. Griffin, if you were
truly an American,
243
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,232
you would know
our national anthem.
244
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,632
Now, wait a minute!
He is too an American.
245
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:29,932
We've been married
for almost 20 years!
246
00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:32,266
Well, we hear that one
a lot around here.
247
00:11:32,334 --> 00:11:34,866
Course there's
a very easy way
of detecting fraud.
248
00:11:34,934 --> 00:11:37,266
Mr. Griffin, what is
your wife's birthday?
249
00:11:37,335 --> 00:11:39,399
Uh...
250
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,165
Give me another one.
Give me another one.
251
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,232
Where is
your wife's hometown?
252
00:11:43,301 --> 00:11:45,432
One more, one more.
253
00:11:45,501 --> 00:11:47,865
What is your wife's
favorite
outdoor activity?
254
00:11:47,934 --> 00:11:48,932
Uh...
255
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,199
Things an overcoat
would say.
256
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:51,732
I'm covered with water.
257
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:53,432
Things an umbrella
would say.
258
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:54,898
You wear me.
259
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:57,199
Things a festive
bow tie would say.
260
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:58,765
You wear me
to keep you dry.
261
00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:00,532
Things Speed Stick
would say.
262
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:01,665
I keep your head dry.
263
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:03,132
I said umbrella.
It's not umbrella.
264
00:12:03,201 --> 00:12:04,965
(BUZZING)
265
00:12:05,034 --> 00:12:08,732
Peter, what if I said,
"I keep your head dry,
you wear me in the bathroom"?
266
00:12:09,967 --> 00:12:11,565
Shower cap.
There you go.
267
00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:13,532
Oh, man.
Did you have fun?
268
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,732
I had fun. Yeah.
269
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,565
All right,
we'll be back
after this.
270
00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:18,631
(GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYING)
271
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,066
(INAUDIBLE)
272
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,465
Peter, what are you
gonna do about a job?
273
00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:34,732
We can't just keep
eating into our savings.
274
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,532
I'll just have to
find a job for
an illegal immigrant.
275
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,866
I can't believe
this is happening
to our family.
276
00:12:39,934 --> 00:12:41,932
It's taken us all
by surprise, Meg.
277
00:12:42,001 --> 00:12:45,099
Like that realistic
original ending
to Dirty Dancing.
278
00:12:45,168 --> 00:12:46,899
Nobody puts Baby
in a corner.
279
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:51,698
I do, because
I'm her father, and she's 16.
What are you, like 38?
280
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:53,398
Forty-one.
281
00:12:55,266 --> 00:13:00,198
(HUNGRY EYES PLAYING)
282
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,199
"Hotel maid wanted."
283
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,798
Sweet. I could do that.
284
00:13:12,201 --> 00:13:13,665
Housekeeping.
285
00:13:14,867 --> 00:13:15,932
Housekeeping.
286
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,298
MAN: Come back
later, please.
287
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:19,465
Housekeeping?
MAN: Not now!
288
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:20,832
Housekeeping.
289
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,432
MAN: Go away.
290
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:23,565
I come in anyway?
291
00:13:23,634 --> 00:13:24,965
MAN: No! Go away!
292
00:13:25,034 --> 00:13:26,832
I come in anyway.
293
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:28,699
Oh, my God!
I said no!
294
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:29,832
Okay, I clean?
295
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:31,065
No! Get out of here!
296
00:13:31,134 --> 00:13:32,498
I clean now?
No!
297
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:34,265
I stay and watch?
No!
298
00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:35,799
I get involved?
What?
299
00:13:35,867 --> 00:13:38,465
I get involved
with lady?
300
00:13:38,534 --> 00:13:41,098
What do you think?
Turn around.
301
00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,432
I don't think so.
Okay.
302
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,032
You lend me money?
No.
303
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:45,998
You drive my grandmother
to doctor's appointment?
304
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,965
No! No,
I'm not doing that.
305
00:13:48,034 --> 00:13:49,632
I stick finger
in your mouth?
306
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:52,398
Housekeeping?
307
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:53,832
Okay.
Okay.
308
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,232
"Nanny wanted."
309
00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:59,598
Well, that sounds
like a good job
for an immigrant.
310
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:02,698
Michael, did you hear
the good news?
We're getting a new nanny.
311
00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:04,832
Oh, Jane,
I'm ever so excited.
312
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:07,032
Do you suppose
she'll be everything
we've dreamed?
313
00:14:07,101 --> 00:14:11,465
Oh, I do hope so.
I've always imagined
the most beautiful...
314
00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:12,899
(GRUNTING)
315
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:17,099
Damn it!
316
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,966
(EXCLAIMS)
317
00:14:36,533 --> 00:14:37,799
(CRYING)
318
00:14:44,734 --> 00:14:46,798
Oh, Peter,
you look exhausted!
319
00:14:46,867 --> 00:14:50,299
I am, Lois.
Life as a Mexican
immigrant is brutal.
320
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:54,432
Even after seven jobs
and joining Menudo,
I only made 25 bucks.
321
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,465
Now, look, don't get upset,
but I've been
so worried about you
322
00:14:57,534 --> 00:14:58,932
that I asked
someone for help.
323
00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:00,032
Who?
324
00:15:00,101 --> 00:15:01,332
Hello, fat ass.
325
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,865
Lois, immigrants
don't take handouts.
326
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:06,665
They just take one DVD
a month from the house
they're cleaning
327
00:15:06,733 --> 00:15:08,364
until they have
a respectable collection.
328
00:15:08,433 --> 00:15:10,698
It's not a handout,
it's a job.
329
00:15:10,767 --> 00:15:12,364
Daddy employs
lots of immigrants,
330
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:14,199
and he said
you could work
at the mansion.
331
00:15:14,268 --> 00:15:16,631
Really?
Well, thanks a lot,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
332
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:18,331
I promise I won't
let you down.
333
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,298
Well, they all
do eventually.
Except for Noriega.
334
00:15:21,366 --> 00:15:24,932
God bless him
and his drug money.
I wish he were here today.
335
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,431
Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt!
336
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,464
Oh, look who it is!
Come here so
I can give you a hug!
337
00:15:28,533 --> 00:15:29,598
Come here so
I can give you a hug!
338
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:30,999
(LAUGHING)
339
00:15:38,934 --> 00:15:40,398
There they are.
Hi, Mom.
340
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:42,265
Hi, Grandma!
Grandma!
341
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,798
I missed you.
342
00:15:43,867 --> 00:15:45,098
So has the morgue.
343
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:47,465
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
344
00:15:47,534 --> 00:15:49,698
The morgue, Paul,
'cause she's old!
345
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:53,499
That's right,
yeah, the morgue!
346
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:55,265
Peter, I'm using you
as a house immigrant,
347
00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:57,265
so take
my family's luggage
to their rooms,
348
00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:59,598
and then go
get settled down
at the servants' quarters.
349
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,932
Right away,
Mr. Pewterschmidt, sir.
350
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,231
Daddy, we don't want
any special treatment.
351
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:07,165
We're here as a family,
and we're going to
live as a family.
352
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,532
Are you serious?
353
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:11,065
We come to a mansion,
and you want to
live with the help?
354
00:16:11,134 --> 00:16:13,965
That's like going
to a strip club
on a Tuesday afternoon.
355
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,331
Is there anyone here
who hasn't
had a c-section?
356
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,498
Oh, no.
That boy's ball
fell out of the cup.
357
00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:35,999
Oh, but it's okay,
358
00:16:36,068 --> 00:16:39,032
because the ball
is on a string
and attached to the cup.
359
00:16:39,101 --> 00:16:40,698
(GREETING IN SPANISH)
360
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,333
You must be the Griffins.
I am Gerardo,
the head groundskeeper.
361
00:16:43,401 --> 00:16:44,665
You must be
exhausted.
362
00:16:44,733 --> 00:16:47,465
Come, come.
Let's get you
to your new home.
363
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:49,498
(WHISTLES)
364
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:51,065
Hey, Senorita!
365
00:16:51,134 --> 00:16:52,699
You got nice bread
dough legs!
366
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,699
I got a blank
prescription pad!
367
00:16:57,967 --> 00:16:59,531
See, this isn't so bad.
368
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:03,298
Not so bad?
We're sharing a tool shed
with seven other families.
369
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:05,465
(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
370
00:17:08,001 --> 00:17:09,399
(LAUGHING)
371
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:11,065
They're making
the best of it.
372
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,133
Good morning,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
373
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:17,866
It's 8:00,
and I'm ready for work.
374
00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:19,298
Good. Have a seat.
375
00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:20,799
Drink that.
What is it?
376
00:17:20,868 --> 00:17:23,565
My blood.
I'm a diabetic,
and I need you to test it.
377
00:17:23,634 --> 00:17:25,698
Isn't that dangerous?
I don't know. Probably.
378
00:17:25,768 --> 00:17:26,799
I don't wanna.
379
00:17:26,868 --> 00:17:28,066
You work for me.
Now, drink it.
380
00:17:28,135 --> 00:17:30,398
No!
Drink my
diabetic blood, Peter,
381
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:31,799
or you're fired.
382
00:17:32,533 --> 00:17:34,265
(LAUGHING)
383
00:17:34,333 --> 00:17:38,999
I can't believe
you really did that.
That's nasty. You're nasty.
384
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:44,565
My VCR's still broken.
Did you remember
to watch Survivor?
385
00:17:44,634 --> 00:17:46,364
Yes, sir.
All right, I wanna see it.
386
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,832
Previously on Survivor,
Grace won immunity
after lying to Kyle
387
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:50,899
about a stomach virus.
388
00:17:50,968 --> 00:17:52,298
I've seen this.
Fast forward.
389
00:17:52,366 --> 00:17:54,531
Credits, commercials,
Ford, Subway, Doritos,
390
00:17:54,601 --> 00:17:56,399
Pirates of the Caribbean 4,
Orbit gum.
391
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,765
Hang on, go back.
I want to see
that Pirates trailer.
392
00:17:58,833 --> 00:18:02,598
In a world
where pirates are gay
but Orlando Bloom isn't,
393
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:03,998
comes Pirates of
the Caribbean 4.
394
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,765
Peter, how was
your first day?
395
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:15,498
Horrible! I never worked
so hard in my life.
396
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,631
How the hell do you guys
do this every day?
397
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:18,998
Immigrant life sucks.
398
00:18:19,067 --> 00:18:22,065
But, Peter,
life in America
is wonderful.
399
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:24,298
That is why
we risk everything
to come here.
400
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:27,632
I don't know, Cheech.
It seems like a lot of
work for no respect.
401
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:32,265
Peter, America is
the land of opportunity.
There are tall buildings,
402
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:35,665
cheeseburgers
and Fox's many
hit comedy series,
403
00:18:35,733 --> 00:18:38,765
including
That '70s Show, and...
404
00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:45,565
But let me ask you something.
Don't you miss your home?
405
00:18:45,634 --> 00:18:49,498
Of course. We come to America
for financial
opportunities, Peter,
406
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:52,266
but, someday,
we will return to Mexico
407
00:18:52,335 --> 00:18:55,032
because our heritage
is rich and glorious.
408
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,365
Wait, wait, hang on a second.
409
00:18:56,434 --> 00:18:58,165
Are you saying
there's more
to being Mexican
410
00:18:58,234 --> 00:19:00,632
than working hard
and lusting after big asses?
411
00:19:00,701 --> 00:19:04,732
There is, Peter.
In fact, we are preparing
our Cinco de Mayo celebration.
412
00:19:04,801 --> 00:19:07,866
As a Mexican,
you must
experience it with us.
413
00:19:07,934 --> 00:19:09,932
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
414
00:19:14,534 --> 00:19:18,898
Well, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Cinco de Mayo
is as Mexican as it gets.
415
00:19:18,967 --> 00:19:20,699
Wow, this
is awesome!
416
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:24,265
And later, I'm gonna go
lift free weights
in a parking lot!
417
00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:28,132
Oh, Peter, I'm so proud
that you've embraced
these people as your own.
418
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,531
You've come a long way
from hating foreigners.
419
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,665
Well, Lois, life can
surprise you if you
open your mind a little.
420
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:35,598
For example,
I used to hate
the Japanese,
421
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:38,066
but then I saw
Lou Diamond Phillips
in Young Guns,
422
00:19:38,134 --> 00:19:39,631
and now I don't
hate them anymore.
423
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,531
Peter, I don't think
that Lou Diamond Phillips
is Japanese.
424
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,999
Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees,
look at these.
425
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:47,966
Hey, what do you say
we get some
of them burritos?
426
00:19:48,034 --> 00:19:52,732
Oh, munequita,
I would love to feel your
mustache on my mustache.
427
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,531
Really? Well,
there's a lot more body hair
where that came from.
428
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,665
Oh, well, then
no thank you.
429
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:00,999
Wow, these DVD's are
only 99 cents apiece.
430
00:20:01,068 --> 00:20:04,732
Hey, look at some of
these Spanish translations
of the movie titles.
431
00:20:04,801 --> 00:20:06,865
Here's
The 40-Year-old Virgin,
432
00:20:06,934 --> 00:20:11,098
and in Spanish, it's called
The No-Sex Man Comes to Town.
433
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:16,398
And here's Airplane!
and in Spanish, it's called
Incredible Flying Joke Bus.
434
00:20:16,467 --> 00:20:20,798
Here's Cheaper by the Dozen,
and in Spanish,
it's called Small Family.
435
00:20:23,068 --> 00:20:24,799
What the hell
is going on here?
436
00:20:24,868 --> 00:20:26,198
Why aren't
you people working?
437
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,331
It's Cinco de Mayo,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
438
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,565
Would you like to watch
My Friend Who Sticks
His Penis in a Pie?
439
00:20:31,633 --> 00:20:35,999
Look, I don't care what day
it is in Mexico, in America
we work on weekdays.
440
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:40,099
Now, do your jobs
or I'll deport your lazy asses
back to the third world.
441
00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:42,565
(ALL GROANING)
442
00:20:42,634 --> 00:20:44,432
Wait a minute,
hang on, everybody.
443
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:48,498
What he just said does not
represent the America
that I know and love.
444
00:20:48,567 --> 00:20:51,532
This country used to
welcome our kind
with open arms,
445
00:20:51,601 --> 00:20:54,599
but men like
Carter Pewterschmidt
use us for cheap labor,
446
00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:58,866
and then try to punish us
when we demand to be treated
like human beings.
447
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:02,165
Well, no more!
Immigrants
built this country,
448
00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:06,399
and I say it's time
for us to take it back!
Who's with me?
449
00:21:06,467 --> 00:21:09,232
MAN: Could you say
whole speech
again in Spanish?
450
00:21:12,334 --> 00:21:13,865
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to
451
00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:17,231
Gregory Peck Has Been
in That Stall
for Over 45 Minutes Now.
452
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,665
(FARTING)
453
00:21:18,734 --> 00:21:19,999
(GRUNTING)
454
00:21:29,001 --> 00:21:29,999
Crimony.
455
00:21:31,434 --> 00:21:33,199
(FARTING CONTINUES)
456
00:21:37,468 --> 00:21:38,599
(SPLASHES)
457
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:40,165
Ah!
458
00:21:40,234 --> 00:21:44,565
Finally, now I feel
well enough to visit
my grandchildren.
459
00:21:47,301 --> 00:21:48,731
(CROWD APPROACHING)
460
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,665
What the hell is that?
461
00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:54,465
(ALL SHOUTING)
462
00:21:59,134 --> 00:22:02,966
Get out of the way,
Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are
here to take what's ours.
463
00:22:03,034 --> 00:22:04,565
Well, I mean,
technically
it's yours,
464
00:22:04,634 --> 00:22:06,032
but we don't feel
like you deserve it,
465
00:22:06,101 --> 00:22:08,331
so we're calling it ours
and taking it anyway.
466
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,998
But, Peter, why would
you want to harm
a fellow American citizen?
467
00:22:12,067 --> 00:22:14,332
What?
All I have to do
is make one call
468
00:22:14,401 --> 00:22:15,699
to a friend of mine
in Washington,
469
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:17,432
and he can push
your paperwork through.
470
00:22:17,501 --> 00:22:19,865
You'll officially be
an American citizen.
471
00:22:19,934 --> 00:22:21,699
Not good enough,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
472
00:22:21,767 --> 00:22:24,232
I want citizenship
for everyone here.
473
00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:26,265
Peter, you do not
have to do this.
474
00:22:26,334 --> 00:22:27,932
Yes I do, Gerardo.
475
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,032
This great land
should be everything
to you that it is to me.
476
00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:34,032
A land where a man
is paid a wage
he can live on.
477
00:22:34,101 --> 00:22:36,532
A land where
we flush every time.
478
00:22:36,601 --> 00:22:40,065
A land where 17 miles
is not walking distance.
479
00:22:40,134 --> 00:22:42,565
A land where meals
are not purchased
from a truck
480
00:22:42,634 --> 00:22:44,132
and then eaten
in a different truck.
481
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,865
All right, all right,
you make your point.
482
00:22:45,934 --> 00:22:47,232
It's getting
a little offensive.
483
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:49,899
That's my only offer.
Take it or leave it.
484
00:22:49,967 --> 00:22:53,699
Peter, you must go.
We will find our own way.
485
00:22:54,734 --> 00:22:56,866
I'll never
forget you, Gerardo.
486
00:22:56,934 --> 00:22:58,832
Boy, I sure am
gonna miss Reynaldo,
487
00:22:58,901 --> 00:23:01,032
but I'm glad
I'm finally
an American again.
488
00:23:01,101 --> 00:23:03,365
Being an immigrant
is a real
pain in the ass.
489
00:23:03,433 --> 00:23:07,133
I'm glad, too, Peter,
but I did enjoy learning
about another culture.
490
00:23:07,201 --> 00:23:09,699
Yeah, you know, so did I.
Well, I guess
everything's back to normal.
491
00:23:09,767 --> 00:23:12,565
♪ Well, I guess
everything's
back to normal ♪
492
00:23:12,634 --> 00:23:14,032
Oh, man,
not this guy again.
493
00:23:14,100 --> 00:23:15,665
♪ Oh, man,
not this guy again ♪
494
00:23:15,734 --> 00:23:16,765
(FARTS)
495
00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:17,865
♪ Fart! ♪