1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:06,032
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,101 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:13,032
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,101 --> 00:00:16,032
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:19,331
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,732
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,298
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:26,032
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:30,966
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:37,333
Mom, where's Dad?
11
00:00:37,401 --> 00:00:38,865
Over across the street.
12
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:41,098
He's collecting
Cleveland's mail
while he's out of town.
13
00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:42,631
Black guy mail!
14
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,065
Peter,
you're just supposed to
pick up Cleveland's mail,
15
00:00:45,134 --> 00:00:46,331
not go through it.
16
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,598
Lois, black people are
different than you and I.
17
00:00:48,667 --> 00:00:50,665
And me,
I find that hilarious.
18
00:00:50,734 --> 00:00:53,298
Boy, Cleveland gets
a lot of magazines.
19
00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:58,632
Grape Soda Today,
Orange Soda Quarterly,
The Fruit Punch Reader.
20
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:00,231
Hey,
what you got
there, Stewie?
21
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:01,565
Ooh! Mustache Aficionado.
22
00:01:04,401 --> 00:01:07,298
Wow, look at these men!
What class. What grace.
23
00:01:07,366 --> 00:01:09,766
And all because of
a little upper-lip hair.
24
00:01:09,834 --> 00:01:12,398
Lois,
I am gonna
grow a mustache.
25
00:01:12,466 --> 00:01:15,066
Then I'll have it made,
like the Monopoly guy.
26
00:01:15,134 --> 00:01:17,232
Except
when he goes
directly to jail.
27
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:19,898
MAN: I wish I could tell
you that the Monopoly guy
28
00:01:19,967 --> 00:01:23,132
fought the good fight,
and the sisters let him be.
29
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,965
I wish I could tell you that,
but prison is no fairytale
world.
30
00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:35,066
Hey, Rupert, what if the
refrigerator was a monster
31
00:01:35,134 --> 00:01:36,498
that talked like this?
32
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:38,398
(IN GRUFF VOICE)
I am a monster.
33
00:01:38,467 --> 00:01:40,233
I am going to
bite your fingers.
34
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,166
Here I come.
I'm going to get you.
35
00:01:43,235 --> 00:01:45,066
Ah! I don't
want to play anymore.
Normal voice, normal voice.
36
00:01:45,134 --> 00:01:47,932
The refrigerator
can't hurt me. Okay?
37
00:01:48,001 --> 00:01:50,264
Oh, my God, Dad!
What's on your face?
38
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:52,165
Meg, it goes
by many names.
39
00:01:52,234 --> 00:01:56,599
Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers,
and, until recently, Giant
Horse Vagina,
40
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,498
but I prefer
the term mustache.
41
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,431
Oh! I think it's sexy.
42
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,832
I think it's gay.
It's not gay, Brian.
43
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:05,165
If I'm gay, then
Freddie Mercury was gay.
44
00:02:05,234 --> 00:02:07,132
Freddie Mercury,
the lead singer
of Queen?
45
00:02:07,201 --> 00:02:08,332
He was incredibly gay.
46
00:02:08,401 --> 00:02:10,199
He was not.
He had a mustache,
47
00:02:10,268 --> 00:02:12,199
which is practically
like a wedding ring.
48
00:02:12,268 --> 00:02:15,965
I imagine you're gonna be
much more of a stern father
now that you have a mustache.
49
00:02:16,034 --> 00:02:18,598
Well, Chris,
there may be more lap
sitting than there's been,
50
00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:21,099
and I might
answer most of your
questions with a story,
51
00:02:21,168 --> 00:02:23,066
but mostly,
my mustache tells people
52
00:02:23,134 --> 00:02:25,966
that there is a 90% chance
that I am poorly educated,
53
00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:28,966
that I keep upscale porn
magazines out in the open,
54
00:02:29,034 --> 00:02:31,798
and that I listen to
the Little River Band
with giant headphones.
55
00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:36,065
Ew! That's the ugliest thing
the fat man's grown since
that horse leg.
56
00:02:36,134 --> 00:02:37,799
Hey, Peter,
have you seen my... Ah!
57
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:40,299
Brian, I'm sorry,
but what do I keep saying?
58
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:44,032
Do not stand behind me.
Because I will get scared.
59
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:50,132
ANNOUNCER: And now back to
One Tree Hill.
60
00:02:50,201 --> 00:02:52,166
Dude, let me
tell you something.
61
00:02:52,234 --> 00:02:55,331
There is nothing
that'll ever happen
in the rest of our lives
62
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,266
that's as important as
what's going on right here,
63
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:01,232
right now,
in high school,
by these lockers.
64
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:03,266
I've got
so many problems.
65
00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:07,032
Hey.
Nothing that can't be
fixed by staring at a lake.
66
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:11,565
♪ High school is
such a serious thing
67
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:15,965
♪ These problems matter ♪
68
00:03:16,034 --> 00:03:18,233
God,
these high school
students are lame.
69
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,565
I'm a freakin' baby,
and I'm cooler than
they are.
70
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,132
What the hell do you
know about high school?
71
00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:25,365
Are you kidding?
These kids today are
so easy to manipulate.
72
00:03:25,433 --> 00:03:27,498
If you plopped me in the
middle of a high school,
73
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:29,631
I could be
the most popular
kid there in a week.
74
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:32,565
Really?
Would you care to
place a wager on that?
75
00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:33,999
Absolutely.
What are the stakes?
76
00:03:34,068 --> 00:03:36,099
Okay, if I win,
and you can't do it,
77
00:03:36,168 --> 00:03:39,866
you have to put your nose
in Meg's hat and take an
eight-second inhale.
78
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:42,365
Okay, and if I win,
you have to go online
79
00:03:42,433 --> 00:03:45,832
and download that footage
of the dancing baby from
Ally McBeal,
80
00:03:45,901 --> 00:03:48,698
and you have to forward it
to all your friends with
the message,
81
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,431
"Oh, my God, look
what I just found
online!
82
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:53,531
"Isn't this
the funniest thing
you've ever seen?"
83
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:54,631
So, is it a bet?
Yeah, fine.
84
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:55,732
Kiss on it? Oh!
What?
85
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,332
Wow, Dad, you're up early.
86
00:04:03,401 --> 00:04:04,265
Yep, it's
a mustache kind
of morning, Chris.
87
00:04:07,001 --> 00:04:10,364
I watched
the sun rise in my jeans,
jean shirt and jean jacket.
88
00:04:10,433 --> 00:04:13,065
Gosh, mustache
culture is pretty cool.
89
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:16,532
You betcha, son.
I'm gonna make you some
hash browns for breakfast,
90
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,865
and then later I'm gonna take
you down to the whorehouse
to lose your virginity.
91
00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:21,466
Would you like that?
Would I?
92
00:04:21,534 --> 00:04:23,665
Wow, that's
a way better present
than that buff hamster
93
00:04:23,734 --> 00:04:24,765
you got me last Christmas.
94
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,231
Dad, all it's done
is run on that wheel
for the past three weeks.
95
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,231
Yeah,
looks like it's
in pretty good shape.
96
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:35,099
Can I pick it up?
I wouldn't.
97
00:04:39,335 --> 00:04:40,565
Boy, you know,
I've always wanted
to come in here,
98
00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:42,798
and now
that I got a mustache,
the timing feels right.
99
00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:44,598
Wow,
all this stuff
looks pretty good.
100
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:46,231
Can we get
some salami and...
101
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:47,832
Brian, Brian,
let me handle this.
102
00:04:47,901 --> 00:04:49,565
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
103
00:04:49,633 --> 00:04:50,765
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
104
00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:52,932
Peter, what are you doing?
Speaking Italian.
105
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,431
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
106
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:58,166
Peter, you can't speak Italian
just because you have
a mustache.
107
00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:18,032
Hi there. Is this the
Quahog Mustache Society?
108
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:21,066
Yes, it is.
What's the secret password?
109
00:05:21,134 --> 00:05:22,999
Mustache.
All right. Come on in.
110
00:05:25,268 --> 00:05:26,765
Good afternoon,
mustache wearers.
111
00:05:26,834 --> 00:05:28,532
Don't forget to help
yourself to the buffet.
112
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,565
There's spaghetti and
meatballs, powdered
donuts and bubblegum.
113
00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:32,631
Point of mustache.
114
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,198
The chair recognizes
your mustache.
115
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,631
Have we
discussed what to send
Wilford Brimley next month,
116
00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:39,131
as it is the 70th birthday
of his mustache?
117
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,665
Oh, I think
we just send
a nice card.
118
00:05:40,734 --> 00:05:42,165
Just make sure it
has a mustache on it.
119
00:05:42,233 --> 00:05:43,265
Point of mustache.
120
00:05:43,334 --> 00:05:44,632
The chair
recognizes your mustache.
121
00:05:44,701 --> 00:05:47,565
What can we, as citizens,
do about mustache awareness?
122
00:05:47,634 --> 00:05:48,799
Good mustache question.
123
00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:50,799
We have a new product
in our mustache catalog
124
00:05:50,867 --> 00:05:52,399
that makes
a great stocking stuffer.
125
00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:54,198
We call it the Must-Stash.
126
00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:55,698
The slogan is,
"You must stash
127
00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:56,799
"your Must-Stash
in the mustache."
128
00:05:56,867 --> 00:05:57,865
That'll be all for today.
129
00:05:57,934 --> 00:05:58,965
Good mustache.
ALL: Good mustache.
130
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:11,798
All right,
dog, here we go.
Prepare to lose a bet,
131
00:06:11,867 --> 00:06:15,832
'cause I'm about
to become the most
popular boy in school.
132
00:06:15,901 --> 00:06:18,432
Excuse me, pardon me,
are you the cool children?
133
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:19,966
Yeah.
Who are you?
134
00:06:20,034 --> 00:06:21,865
My name is
Zac Sawyer.
135
00:06:21,934 --> 00:06:26,565
I just transferred here from
Rich Expensive Car-Driving
Sex-Having High School.
136
00:06:26,634 --> 00:06:28,832
Whoa! That sounds awesome.
137
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:30,865
No, it's lame.
Everything's lame.
138
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:33,965
Wow,
if he says one more
cool thing, he's in.
139
00:06:34,034 --> 00:06:38,132
I wear long sleeve shirts
under short sleeve shirts
under long sleeve shirts.
140
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,433
Wow!
Oh, my God!
141
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,966
Oh, my God,
you're so cool!
You're so awesome!
142
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,065
You've checkmated
my teenage cynicism!
143
00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:44,598
Excellent.
144
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:47,699
I'm a bigger hit with the kids
than Will Smith and his nice
clean rap.
145
00:06:48,434 --> 00:06:49,631
♪ Whoo!
146
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:50,832
♪ Ha! Ha!
147
00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:52,999
(RAPPING)
♪ I respect women
when I'm on a date
148
00:06:53,068 --> 00:06:55,498
♪ I take them to the park
or maybe a museum
149
00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:57,632
♪ And I only try to kiss them
if they're ready
150
00:06:57,701 --> 00:06:58,832
♪ Whoo-hoo!
151
00:06:58,901 --> 00:07:00,698
♪ What, what, what, what
I say what, what
152
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:03,232
♪ Help out your mom and dad
by getting a job
153
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,132
♪ So you can help
pay for school supplies
154
00:07:05,201 --> 00:07:06,298
♪ Whoo-hoo!
155
00:07:06,366 --> 00:07:08,298
♪ Say ho!
156
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:11,065
♪ Wipe your shoes on the mat
when you come in the house
157
00:07:11,134 --> 00:07:12,865
♪ Someone just
cleaned that floor
158
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:13,931
♪ Whoo-hoo!
159
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,032
♪ Say what, what!
160
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,498
♪ Ha! Ha! ♪
161
00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:21,498
Peter, don't you think
you're kind of letting
that mustache
162
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:22,865
consume your personality?
163
00:07:22,934 --> 00:07:23,966
Shut up, Brian.
164
00:07:24,034 --> 00:07:26,364
I am part of a very
special community now.
165
00:07:26,433 --> 00:07:28,932
People with mustaches
look out for each other.
166
00:07:29,001 --> 00:07:31,099
Hey. Oh, hey!
167
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:33,698
MAN: Hey!
168
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,232
Hey. Jeffrey,
Peter Griffin
has a mustache!
169
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:36,465
No way!
170
00:07:36,534 --> 00:07:37,732
Way!
Ohhh!
171
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:38,865
I know!
172
00:07:41,501 --> 00:07:44,099
Oh, my God, Peter, look!
McBurgertown is on fire!
173
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:49,531
It's out of control!
We need someone to
man the other hose!
174
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,398
Hey, that guy
has a mustache!
Grab him!
175
00:07:52,467 --> 00:07:55,831
We need your help!
Take this hose!
176
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,565
Uh... Okay, you just want me
to spray the water at the fire
177
00:07:58,633 --> 00:07:59,698
and try to put it out?
178
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,665
He knows everything
about what we do.
179
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,766
Of course he does.
Look at that giant
horse vagina.
180
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,865
MAN: Help!
181
00:08:07,933 --> 00:08:08,999
Oh, my God!
182
00:08:09,068 --> 00:08:11,298
There's somebody
trapped inside!
183
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:14,032
Wait.
If I go in there,
I could get hurt.
184
00:08:14,101 --> 00:08:18,299
No.
No, with great mustache
comes great responsibility.
185
00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,865
(SCREAMING)
186
00:08:24,934 --> 00:08:26,332
My mustache!
187
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,399
No!
188
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:34,499
God bless you, sir,
you saved my life.
189
00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:36,265
But at what cost?
At what cost?
190
00:08:40,867 --> 00:08:42,298
Peter, have you seen Brian?
191
00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:45,165
(MUFFLED) No,
Lois, I have not.
192
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:48,032
Well, I haven't seen him
since this morning, and I...
193
00:08:48,101 --> 00:08:49,531
What is that on your head?
194
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:50,899
It's a mustache, Lois!
195
00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:52,799
What, you never
seen a mustache before?
196
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,799
Lois,
would you mind calling
the police or something?
197
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:56,231
Quiet, mustache!
198
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:59,098
Oh, my God!
Peter, I know you're
upset about losing that thing,
199
00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:01,832
but get a grip on yourself.
Let Brian down.
200
00:09:01,901 --> 00:09:04,899
No. I'm not
living my life
without a mustache.
201
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:07,564
Even if sometimes
my mustache has Alpo gas.
202
00:09:07,633 --> 00:09:08,631
(FARTS)
203
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:09,731
Mustache fart.
204
00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:10,798
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
205
00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:13,831
Hello,
I'm looking
for Peter Griffin.
206
00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:14,932
I'm Peter Griffin.
207
00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:16,799
Mr. Griffin,
my name is Todd Meyers.
208
00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,999
I'm the man you rescued
from McBurgertown.
209
00:09:19,068 --> 00:09:22,032
Oh, yeah, you're the guy
who cost me my mustache.
210
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,932
What, did you
come over here
to rape my daughter?
211
00:09:24,001 --> 00:09:27,266
No, I own the restaurant.
And to show my gratitude,
212
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:31,665
I'd like to offer
you a lifetime supply
of McBurgertown burgers.
213
00:09:32,366 --> 00:09:33,865
Free burgers?
214
00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:37,598
Oh, man, this is
a way better offer than
the one I got from Helen Hunt.
215
00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:39,398
You wanna have sex?
216
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:41,132
No.
217
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,198
No, no, no, no, no.
218
00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:46,865
No. No.
219
00:09:51,266 --> 00:09:52,665
Peter, you should
really slow down.
220
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:54,332
You've already had,
like, 30 hamburgers.
221
00:09:54,401 --> 00:09:58,198
Shut up, Brian.
It relieves the pain
of mustachelessness.
222
00:09:58,267 --> 00:10:01,165
And it's working.
I no longer feel
the pain.
223
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,432
Come to think of it,
I can't really feel
anything
224
00:10:03,501 --> 00:10:04,899
on the left half
of my body.
225
00:10:04,967 --> 00:10:07,499
Really?
That doesn't sound good.
226
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:09,598
Peter,
are you winking at me?
227
00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,966
(SCREAMING)
228
00:10:12,034 --> 00:10:14,099
Oh, my God,
someone call
an ambulance!
229
00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:20,065
Doctor,
what happened?
Is he gonna be okay?
230
00:10:20,134 --> 00:10:22,665
Mrs. Griffin,
your husband
has had a stroke.
231
00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:25,598
The left half of his body
is completely paralyzed.
232
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,098
Oh, my God!
233
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:28,932
Peter, sweetheart,
how do you feel?
234
00:10:29,001 --> 00:10:30,032
Uh...
235
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:33,298
Had better days, Lois.
Had better days.
236
00:10:38,267 --> 00:10:42,099
Mom, it's been three months.
When is Dad gonna get better?
237
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,299
Chris, I've already
explained this to you.
238
00:10:44,367 --> 00:10:47,565
Your father had a stroke,
and it may take him
a long time to recover.
239
00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:50,832
PETER: Lois! Bring me
another beer, please!
240
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:51,898
(SIGHS)
241
00:10:56,235 --> 00:10:57,832
Uh...
242
00:10:57,901 --> 00:11:00,698
Lois. You mind telling me
what the hell you think
you're doing?
243
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:02,232
I'm handing you a beer.
244
00:11:02,367 --> 00:11:05,066
You are handing it
to my stroke arm.
245
00:11:05,134 --> 00:11:08,166
This is my good arm.
Bring the beer over here!
246
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:10,298
That's better!
247
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,765
So, I'm shaving last night
at this make-out party.
248
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:20,732
I took a bunch of pictures.
You can see them on my
MySpace page,
249
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:22,765
along with
my favorite
songs and movies,
250
00:11:22,834 --> 00:11:24,431
and things that
other people have created,
251
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,765
but that I
use to express
my individualism.
252
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:28,665
I have a MySpace page, too.
253
00:11:28,734 --> 00:11:30,465
Yeah, I have
mine ironically.
254
00:11:30,533 --> 00:11:31,799
Hey,
why don't you
guys get lost?
255
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,232
I have to talk
to Connie.
256
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:37,098
Hey, guess what?
What?
257
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:38,665
That's what.
No, but seriously,
258
00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:40,098
there's something
I want to talk to
you about.
259
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,299
Sure, Zac.
Anything for you.
260
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:44,299
You wanna go out to
Anal Point this weekend,
261
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:45,665
see what all
the buzz is about?
262
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:48,865
OMG, that'd be so awesome!
263
00:11:48,934 --> 00:11:51,632
Sweet.
We're gonna have
a real raging time.
264
00:11:51,701 --> 00:11:54,432
Before you know it,
we'll be like an old
married couple.
265
00:11:57,435 --> 00:11:58,798
(SLURPING)
266
00:12:19,901 --> 00:12:21,731
Uh, Lois?
LOIS: Yeah?
267
00:12:21,801 --> 00:12:24,232
Uh, Peter's
getting in the car.
268
00:12:29,634 --> 00:12:33,431
(IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS
WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)
PLAYING)
269
00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:36,365
♪ Uh oh, overflow, population
common group, but it'll do
270
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:37,799
♪ Save yourself,
serve yourself
271
00:12:37,867 --> 00:12:39,865
♪ World serves its own needs
Listen to your heart bleed
272
00:12:39,934 --> 00:12:42,532
♪ Tell me with the rapture
and the reverent in the
right, right
273
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,565
♪ You vitriolic,
patriotic, slam, fight
274
00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:46,832
♪ Bright light,
feeling pretty psyched
275
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,665
♪ It's the end of
the world as we know it ♪
276
00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:52,832
(SCREAMING)
277
00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:59,365
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
278
00:12:59,433 --> 00:13:01,032
Stop mocking me!
279
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,832
Well, Brian,
you've lost your bet.
280
00:13:07,901 --> 00:13:10,699
I, or rather,
my alter ego,
Zac Sawyer,
281
00:13:10,767 --> 00:13:13,765
am currently
the most popular boy
at James Woods High.
282
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,099
Well, Stewie,
you got the best
of me on this one.
283
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:17,265
Congratulations.
284
00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:19,199
I guess you'll be
hanging up your wig now.
285
00:13:19,267 --> 00:13:21,799
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm enjoying myself too much.
286
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,599
Do you know that I've got
a date with Connie D'Amico
287
00:13:24,667 --> 00:13:26,531
this Saturday
night at Anal Point?
288
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,299
Ah! I've heard
about that place.
289
00:13:28,368 --> 00:13:30,499
Really?
What's it like?
'Cause I have no idea.
290
00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:35,632
Well, I suppose
if you imagine it like a
parking space that you think,
291
00:13:35,701 --> 00:13:38,332
"Gosh, there's no way
I'm gonna be able to
fit in there,"
292
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,165
but then you fold in
the side-view mirrors
293
00:13:40,234 --> 00:13:41,899
and sure enough,
"Well, look at that."
294
00:13:41,967 --> 00:13:43,499
Well, in that scenario,
295
00:13:43,567 --> 00:13:45,465
it sounds like I'd rather
be the parking space than
the car.
296
00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,998
Yeah, that's what
I've always guessed.
297
00:13:50,867 --> 00:13:53,732
I hate being all strokey.
298
00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:56,565
This is all your fault,
McBurgertown.
299
00:13:56,634 --> 00:13:58,998
You and your
delicious hamburgers.
300
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:01,565
I swear,
I'll get back
at you someday
301
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:04,799
for what you did to me
and what you did to Wimpy!
302
00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:10,264
I would gladly
pay you Tuesday
for a hamburger today.
303
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:14,765
If only there was some way
I could be like everybody
else again.
304
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:32,231
How long was I in there?
About five minutes.
305
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:34,699
Why are we not funding this?
306
00:14:37,533 --> 00:14:41,065
Sweetheart, that's incredible!
And it only took five minutes?
307
00:14:41,134 --> 00:14:43,065
Five minutes.
I went in there,
they injected me
308
00:14:43,134 --> 00:14:46,732
with a little bit of
that fetal crap, and bam!
Good old gambling man Peter.
309
00:14:46,801 --> 00:14:49,332
And now I can
take my revenge
on McBurgertown!
310
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,431
Wait. What?
311
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:52,198
It's their fault I
had a stroke, Brian.
312
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:53,532
And I'm gonna
sue them for it.
313
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,232
Peter, you
ate 30 hamburgers.
It was your own fault.
314
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:59,965
Yeah, besides,
Peter, those companies
have huge legal divisions.
315
00:15:00,034 --> 00:15:01,265
You can't fight that.
316
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:02,665
I'll find a way,
317
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:05,999
with the help of my
snarky cat lawyer,
Meowsy McDermott.
318
00:15:06,068 --> 00:15:07,699
You've gotta
be kitten me!
319
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:09,132
Ha!
320
00:15:13,933 --> 00:15:15,598
(GAVEL POUNDING)
321
00:15:15,667 --> 00:15:19,099
This court finds in
favor of the defendant,
McBurgertown Industries.
322
00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:21,432
What?
Hey, come on,
that's not fair!
323
00:15:21,501 --> 00:15:23,432
Mr. Griffin,
what did you expect?
324
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:27,032
They have 100 lawyers,
and you tried to bribe
me with
325
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,865
a subscription
to Grape Soda Today,
which I already have!
326
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:31,932
Case dismissed.
327
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,865
What did I tell you,
Peter?
328
00:15:36,934 --> 00:15:39,765
One man can't
take on a multinational
fast food conglomerate.
329
00:15:39,833 --> 00:15:42,331
Oh, yes, I can.
This ain't over, Brian.
330
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,999
Those people are bad,
and I'm gonna
prove it to the world.
331
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:47,298
How do you expect to do that?
Are you kidding?
332
00:15:47,366 --> 00:15:49,166
I've tackled
tougher jobs before.
333
00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:52,498
Remember that time I
was Robin Williams'
jumping-off point?
334
00:15:52,567 --> 00:15:54,098
Okay, religion.
335
00:15:54,167 --> 00:15:57,565
Religion! You kill me,
I kill you, we both
go to Heaven!
336
00:15:57,634 --> 00:15:59,065
Seventy-two virgins!
337
00:15:59,134 --> 00:16:00,565
You might
have to help me out
with the last 10 or so.
338
00:16:00,634 --> 00:16:03,331
Because Mr. Happy gets tired.
Religion!
339
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,732
(SIGHS) Uh... Politics.
340
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:08,966
Politics! "Well,
we're gonna come down
there and take all your oil."
341
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:10,264
"But this is our oil."
342
00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:12,665
"Yeeha!
Well, here's my missile."
343
00:16:12,734 --> 00:16:15,098
"Okay, take it!
Take it!" Politics!
344
00:16:15,166 --> 00:16:17,333
You know what,
I'm gonna take
a five-minute break.
345
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,965
Five-minute break!
What are you,
a construction worker?
346
00:16:20,034 --> 00:16:21,531
(WHISTLES)
347
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:22,198
"Hey, baby, I'm not gay!"
"Does this yellow
hat make my ass look fat?"
348
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:23,265
Five-minute break!
349
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,331
ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!
350
00:16:32,401 --> 00:16:33,966
You enjoy the movie, baby?
351
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:37,199
Yeah. But I think I'm
gonna enjoy this even more.
352
00:16:37,267 --> 00:16:39,199
No thanks,
I am stuffed.
353
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,965
So are we just
gonna sit here and talk,
or are we gonna do it?
354
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,065
All right, baby,
those are the magic words.
355
00:16:43,134 --> 00:16:44,165
Check out my penis!
356
00:16:46,001 --> 00:16:47,565
(GASPS)
Oh, my God.
357
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,631
Yeah. I am ready for sex!
358
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:53,866
I drank eight
gallons of water today.
This baby's ready to explode!
359
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:57,098
Is there more underneath,
or is that it?
360
00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:58,165
I'm sorry?
361
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,198
(LAUGHING)
362
00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:02,999
Zac, just get the hell
out of my car!
363
00:17:07,434 --> 00:17:09,798
That's it?
That was sex?
364
00:17:09,867 --> 00:17:11,499
What a rip-off.
I should sue her.
365
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:14,032
Be careful you're not
held in contempt of cat!
366
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:15,098
Ha!
367
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,998
Pardon me, we're
two Asian businessmen
368
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:24,132
looking to invest in
McBurgertown Industries,
369
00:17:24,201 --> 00:17:25,832
and we'd
like a tour
of your facility.
370
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:27,465
You don't look Asian.
371
00:17:27,534 --> 00:17:30,699
Well,
I guess we'll just take our
millions of dongs elsewhere.
372
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:34,198
Wait, wait.
Let me get our
general manager.
373
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:36,332
Peter,
what the hell do you
expect to accomplish here?
374
00:17:36,401 --> 00:17:37,932
Evidence, Brian.
375
00:17:38,001 --> 00:17:40,399
I'm gonna find
just the right piece
of incriminating evidence
376
00:17:40,468 --> 00:17:42,832
to bring down
this company.
377
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:47,532
Over here is a menu from
our first McBurgertown
restaurant in 1952.
378
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,731
At that time,
our value meal
consisted of
379
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,399
a hamburger,
a cup of coffee
and a Lucky Strike.
380
00:17:52,467 --> 00:17:54,266
Wow.
How much did
all that cost?
381
00:17:54,335 --> 00:17:56,498
Back in the '50s?
One straw penny.
382
00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:59,132
A whole straw penny?
Indeed. Follow me.
383
00:18:00,934 --> 00:18:03,765
And in here, we're
test-marketing a new mascot,
384
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:06,231
Meaty,
the Quick to
Anger Clown.
385
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:09,265
Hey, kids! Who likes
McBurgertown burgers?
386
00:18:09,334 --> 00:18:11,765
I do!
There was more
to my question!
387
00:18:11,834 --> 00:18:13,066
(CRYING)
388
00:18:15,001 --> 00:18:16,366
We're still
ironing that one out.
389
00:18:16,435 --> 00:18:17,498
Hey, what's in there?
390
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,333
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's off-limits.
391
00:18:19,401 --> 00:18:20,966
Now,
if you'll excuse
me for a second,
392
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,232
I have to go
to the bathroom
for about 30 minutes,
393
00:18:23,301 --> 00:18:24,798
as I eat a lot of meat.
394
00:18:24,867 --> 00:18:27,166
Please give me your word
that you won't go in
that door.
395
00:18:27,234 --> 00:18:28,865
Okay.
Good. See you
in a half hour.
396
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,799
Peter, this is your chance!
397
00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:33,432
Brian, I gave him my word.
398
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,598
The hell with that.
Let's see what's
behind this door.
399
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,799
(MOOING)
400
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,832
My, God, what is this?
401
00:18:40,901 --> 00:18:43,398
This must be the
McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
402
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:45,665
Sir, you are correct.
403
00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:47,665
But in here,
we call it DaCow.
404
00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:49,331
DaCow?
DaCow,
405
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,065
except we spell
the cow part c-o-w.
406
00:18:52,134 --> 00:18:56,565
Like "cow."
So it's kind of...
It's sort of a dark joke.
407
00:18:56,634 --> 00:18:58,165
Yeah, yeah,
it's a Holocaust joke.
408
00:18:58,233 --> 00:18:59,799
That's really funny.
409
00:18:59,867 --> 00:19:03,565
Unfortunately, life in
a slaughterhouse is
no laughing matter.
410
00:19:03,633 --> 00:19:08,765
They have killed
a great many of us,
including my beloved wife.
411
00:19:08,833 --> 00:19:11,699
Peter, this is it!
This is the evidence
you've been looking for!
412
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,699
If we can get
you out of here,
would you be willing
413
00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:16,231
to testify publicly
about these atrocities?
414
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:17,398
Absolutely.
415
00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:19,264
But how do you
intend to escape?
416
00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:21,698
You leave that to us.
Come on.
417
00:19:25,667 --> 00:19:28,231
Hey! There they are!
After them!
418
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,398
(EXCLAIMING)
419
00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:31,832
(PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY
PLAYING)
420
00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:55,932
♪ Another
Pleasant Valley Sunday
421
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,732
♪ Charcoal burning everywhere
422
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:05,765
♪ Another
Pleasant Valley Sunday
423
00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:12,265
♪ Here in status-symbol land ♪
424
00:20:22,034 --> 00:20:24,798
Hey, hey,
what's up, Lucas?
425
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:26,232
What the hell's
your problem?
426
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:28,865
Hey, Logan,
what's going on?
427
00:20:28,934 --> 00:20:30,332
What the hell
is going on here?
428
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,165
Nothing, baby penis!
429
00:20:32,234 --> 00:20:34,065
(LAUGHING)
430
00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:35,465
Well, yes,
I have a baby...
431
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:36,965
Uh...
432
00:20:37,034 --> 00:20:39,699
Well,
for your information,
I don't want a big penis.
433
00:20:39,767 --> 00:20:41,232
I think they're messy.
434
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,165
Well, you've effectively ended
my reign of coolness,
haven't you?
435
00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:47,565
You're a disgrace,
you know that?
436
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:49,965
Hey, you're the one
with the tiny penis.
437
00:20:50,034 --> 00:20:51,998
(SIGHS)
You know,
Connie, look.
438
00:20:52,067 --> 00:20:54,298
You're right.
I behaved like a fool.
439
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:57,231
And I apologize,
but before I go,
440
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,365
could I maybe
have one last kiss?
441
00:20:59,434 --> 00:21:01,632
Well, I guess so.
442
00:21:05,101 --> 00:21:07,331
Look! This girl is
making out with a baby!
443
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,799
A nude baby!
444
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:10,232
(ALL GASP)
445
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:11,332
(SCREAMING)
446
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,866
Hey!
447
00:21:12,934 --> 00:21:14,698
That's right.
To hell with you all.
448
00:21:14,767 --> 00:21:16,498
I am who I am.
449
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,299
(HURRICANE PLAYING)
450
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:20,565
♪ Here comes
the story of the hurricane
451
00:21:20,634 --> 00:21:24,299
♪ The man
the authorities came to blame
452
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:27,399
♪ For somethin'
that he never done ♪
453
00:21:30,334 --> 00:21:31,865
Quiet, everybody, this is it.
454
00:21:31,934 --> 00:21:35,232
The McBurgertown franchise
suffered a publicity
setback today
455
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:37,698
from which it
may not recover,
thanks to testimony
456
00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:41,032
regarding its practices
by a very brave cow.
457
00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:44,899
I have revealed
to you today these
horrors in the hope
458
00:21:44,968 --> 00:21:47,032
that you will see
the need for change,
459
00:21:47,101 --> 00:21:48,631
but always remember,
460
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:52,233
what I have done here today
is not a courageous act.
461
00:21:52,301 --> 00:21:55,233
The courage lies with a man
who has the guts
462
00:21:55,301 --> 00:22:00,132
to say no to
a fast food restaurant
and eat a salad instead.
463
00:22:00,201 --> 00:22:03,198
To say, "I will eat
this salad with pride.
464
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:06,165
"I don't care if I
look like a gay person."
465
00:22:06,234 --> 00:22:08,998
So to all of you
salad-eating homosexuals,
466
00:22:09,067 --> 00:22:11,298
I say thank you.
467
00:22:11,367 --> 00:22:16,732
And thank you, Peter,
for all you've done to help
expose this grave injustice.
468
00:22:16,801 --> 00:22:18,832
Where will you
go now, Mr. Cow?
469
00:22:18,901 --> 00:22:22,099
I cannot stay here?
Peter said I could
stay here.
470
00:22:22,167 --> 00:22:27,765
Oh, gosh,
yeah, I don't really see
how that's gonna work out.
471
00:22:27,834 --> 00:22:29,132
Oh.
472
00:22:29,201 --> 00:22:32,532
Well,
as I said, Peter
just promised that I...
473
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:33,866
Yeah, I should
stop you there.
474
00:22:33,934 --> 00:22:35,432
I didn't really
promise anything.
475
00:22:35,501 --> 00:22:37,899
I just said, "Maybe,
if it was okay with Lois."
476
00:22:37,968 --> 00:22:41,232
Boy, it seems like
a real burden to me.
477
00:22:41,301 --> 00:22:44,165
Well, this is
pretty awkward.