1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,534 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,534 --> 00:00:37,799
MAN ON TV:
And now back
to G.I. Jose.
11
00:00:39,101 --> 00:00:41,331
Hey, guys, let's go swim
in the old quarry.
12
00:00:41,401 --> 00:00:43,432
ALL: Yeah!
Wait a minute, kids.
13
00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:46,466
Don't go swimming
in that quarry.
It's dangerous!
14
00:00:46,534 --> 00:00:48,899
ALL: Wow! Thanks,
G.I. Jose.
15
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:53,532
Hey, you guys wanna buy
some gum, or cotton candy,
or a stuffed animal?
16
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,565
How about an inflatable
mallet, huh? This is fun.
17
00:00:56,634 --> 00:00:58,465
You can hit your friend
on the head with it.
18
00:00:58,534 --> 00:01:00,832
But don't hit him
on the head with it.
19
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,899
Yeah, thanks.
I don't really need
any of that stuff.
20
00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:06,431
You got any dents
you need hammered out?
21
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:10,298
ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose!
22
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:13,898
Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker.
23
00:01:13,967 --> 00:01:15,932
Coming up, important
traffic news that
can't help you
24
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,932
because you're
someplace where
a TV is.
25
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,631
But first,
get ready, Quahog,
26
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:22,198
because Barry Manilow will
be performing this weekend
27
00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:24,499
at the Quahog
Performing Arts Center.
28
00:01:24,567 --> 00:01:26,032
(SCOFFS) Barry Manilow.
29
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:27,765
What a joke.
So stupid.
30
00:01:27,833 --> 00:01:28,831
And boring as hell.
31
00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:29,965
Yeah, no kidding.
32
00:01:30,034 --> 00:01:31,865
You couldn't pay me
to go to that thing.
33
00:01:31,934 --> 00:01:34,565
Hey, you know what
we should do? We should
go just as a goof.
34
00:01:34,633 --> 00:01:35,665
That'd be hilarious.
35
00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:37,465
Yeah, just look
at all the idiots.
36
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:39,532
All the dumb ass
Manilow fans.
37
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,331
Yeah.
38
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,198
I mean, he's got, like,
one good song.
39
00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:44,965
Yeah, I mean,
Mandy is not terrible.
40
00:01:45,034 --> 00:01:47,432
Yeah, the opening's okay.
41
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:49,798
And I guess you
can't hate Copacabana.
42
00:01:49,867 --> 00:01:52,298
Yeah, if you're
in the right mood.
43
00:01:52,367 --> 00:01:53,598
Daybreak is a good song.
44
00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:55,432
Oh, yeah.
That's a good song.
45
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:57,032
And I like
Weekend in New England.
46
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,198
Yeah, that's a good one.
47
00:01:58,267 --> 00:01:59,865
Looks Like We Made It.
Yeah, it's not bad.
48
00:01:59,934 --> 00:02:01,098
Right?
49
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:03,499
I love Barry Manilow.
50
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:04,732
Oh, my God,
he's the best!
51
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,232
I have everything
he's ever recorded!
52
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,898
Me, too! In my car!
53
00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:09,265
We have to go
to that concert.
54
00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:11,032
We are going
to that concert.
55
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,831
♪ And I'm...
56
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:19,166
ALL: ♪ Ready to take
a chance again
57
00:02:19,233 --> 00:02:24,032
♪ Ready to put
my love on the line
58
00:02:24,101 --> 00:02:26,531
♪ With you
59
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:31,364
♪ Been living with
nothing to show for it
60
00:02:31,433 --> 00:02:36,066
♪ You get what you get
when you go for it
61
00:02:36,134 --> 00:02:40,599
♪ And I'm ready
to take a chance again
62
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:45,431
♪ With you ♪
63
00:02:48,867 --> 00:02:50,632
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
64
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:52,665
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
65
00:02:52,734 --> 00:02:54,132
PETER: You're welcome.
66
00:02:54,201 --> 00:02:55,832
For this next song,
I'm gonna need some help
67
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:59,698
from a member of the audience.
So, let's see.
What's your name?
68
00:02:59,767 --> 00:03:00,965
Claire.
69
00:03:01,034 --> 00:03:02,632
No, I don't like that.
70
00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:04,765
What's yours?
Harriet.
71
00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,165
No, it's gotta be
two syllables.
72
00:03:06,234 --> 00:03:07,298
Peter!
Cleveland!
73
00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:09,165
Joseph! Joseph!
Quagmire!
74
00:03:09,233 --> 00:03:10,732
Wow, that's exotic.
75
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,966
All right, why don't you
come up and join me
on the stage?
76
00:03:13,034 --> 00:03:14,965
(GASPS) Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, my God!
77
00:03:15,034 --> 00:03:18,032
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
I hate you so much right now!
78
00:03:18,101 --> 00:03:21,564
♪ The night goes into morning
79
00:03:21,633 --> 00:03:24,099
♪ Just another day
80
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:29,765
♪ Happy people pass my way
81
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:34,165
♪ Looking in their eyes,
I see a memory
82
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:38,766
♪ I never realized
how happy you made me
83
00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:40,232
♪ Oh, Quagmire
84
00:03:40,301 --> 00:03:41,765
Oh!
85
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:44,532
♪ Well, you came
And you gave without taking
86
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:45,932
I would never
take from you, Barry.
87
00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:47,698
♪ But I sent you away
88
00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:50,399
♪ Oh, Quagmire
89
00:03:50,468 --> 00:03:55,099
♪ You kissed me
And stopped me from shaking
90
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:57,065
♪ And I need you today
91
00:03:57,133 --> 00:04:00,065
♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪
92
00:04:00,134 --> 00:04:01,832
God, he's so talented.
93
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:04,232
You know, he wrote
all those Kentucky
Fried Chicken jingles.
94
00:04:04,301 --> 00:04:05,565
I don't care for them.
95
00:04:05,634 --> 00:04:08,865
Not after what happened
to Foghorn Leghorn.
96
00:04:08,934 --> 00:04:11,831
I say, I say, son,
what do we got
brewing in here?
97
00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:13,998
I was walking by
when I picked up the smell
98
00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:15,098
of 11 herbs and spices...
99
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,732
(SCREAMS)
100
00:04:16,801 --> 00:04:18,531
(CHUCKLES) Look at that boy,
101
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,665
running all around like
a chicken with its head cut...
Wait a minute.
102
00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:27,732
ANNOUNCER:
This Sunday,
Sunday, Sunday!
103
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,865
One day only.
Lasik Eye Centers
will heal your eyes.
104
00:04:31,933 --> 00:04:34,065
How much would you pay
for laser eye surgery?
105
00:04:34,134 --> 00:04:38,832
$500, $700, $10,000?
106
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,932
How about $12?
107
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:46,199
Dr. Lee Feldstein.
Fully licensed,
fully trained, fully Jewish!
108
00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:47,932
Jewish!
109
00:04:48,001 --> 00:04:50,732
So come on down
to the Hydrox Arena
this Sunday, Sunday!
110
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,099
Get your eyesight fixed.
Unless you don't
have the balls.
111
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:55,165
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
112
00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:56,765
Jewish!
113
00:04:56,834 --> 00:04:59,899
Hey, I could use
some Jew eye surgery.
114
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,266
What the hell?
Where's my wallet?
115
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:05,165
Crap, I must've dropped it
at the Barry Manilow concert.
116
00:05:05,234 --> 00:05:08,598
Dropped it at the what?
And where was I?
117
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:11,232
Peter, you and your excuses
for losing your wallet.
118
00:05:11,301 --> 00:05:13,799
"I dropped it at the concert."
"The hooker took it."
119
00:05:13,867 --> 00:05:14,998
"It's with my other family."
120
00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:16,432
That one was true.
121
00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:19,465
And let me tell you
something, they appreciate
me for who I am.
122
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:22,466
All right, Peter,
have a good business trip.
123
00:05:27,867 --> 00:05:29,066
Taxi!
124
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:36,498
Who's hungry?
ALL: Yeah! Mommy's home!
125
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:39,366
Hello, dear.
I'm so glad
you're home.
126
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:42,232
While you were away,
I tried to do the laundry.
127
00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:43,732
Your favorite shirt.
128
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:45,999
Adam Kenneth Handleman,
when will you learn?
129
00:05:46,067 --> 00:05:47,098
(ALL LAUGH)
130
00:05:51,901 --> 00:05:54,365
So, Peter, any luck
finding your wallet?
131
00:05:54,434 --> 00:05:56,298
No, and it's getting to be
a pain in the ass.
132
00:05:56,366 --> 00:05:59,598
I got no money.
I couldn't even afford
to get my hair cut yesterday.
133
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:02,665
That'll be $5.
134
00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:03,966
Sorry, lost my wallet.
135
00:06:04,034 --> 00:06:05,465
But I already
cut your hair!
136
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:08,265
Well, I guess there's
nothing you can
do about it now.
137
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:10,632
That son of a bitch.
138
00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:13,098
And then I got pulled
over for speeding.
139
00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:16,432
License and
registration, please.
140
00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:20,132
Oh, I lost my wallet,
so I kind of don't
have my license.
141
00:06:20,201 --> 00:06:23,699
Well, I'm sorry, sir,
you know what that means.
142
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:26,731
I don't understand
why I gotta do dishes
at your house just 'cause I...
143
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,431
Keep washing.
144
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:29,999
Seems like more of
a restaurant thing...
145
00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:31,899
Keep washing.
146
00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:34,132
And I can't rent
movies anymore.
147
00:06:34,201 --> 00:06:36,564
Yes, I'd like to
rent this copy
of Garden State.
148
00:06:36,633 --> 00:06:38,364
Okay, I'll just
need a picture ID.
149
00:06:38,433 --> 00:06:39,932
Oh, I don't have one.
150
00:06:40,001 --> 00:06:41,165
I'll rent it then.
151
00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:50,132
(GASPING)
152
00:06:51,068 --> 00:06:52,998
It could have been me.
153
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:57,364
(GASPS)
154
00:06:57,433 --> 00:07:01,365
Oh, my God, Peter,
your Visa bill is $16,000!
155
00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:03,632
Somebody's been
using your credit card.
156
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:05,766
Didn't you cancel it
when you lost your wallet?
157
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,498
I hear what
you're saying, Lois,
158
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:11,099
but unlike my credit card,
I'm carrying a very low
rate of interest.
159
00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:12,199
(POPS MOUTH)
160
00:07:12,268 --> 00:07:13,932
Peter, this is serious.
161
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,133
Let me see that.
162
00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:16,598
A big screen TV,
163
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:19,265
a massage chair
from Sharper Image,
plane tickets...
164
00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,231
Peter, someone has obviously
stolen your credit card.
165
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,732
Well, here's
the good news, Brian.
166
00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:26,331
Whoever the thief is,
he's spending less
than my wife.
167
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,865
(POPS MOUTH)
168
00:07:27,934 --> 00:07:30,698
Wait, look at this.
He eats at House
of Chung every day.
169
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:32,164
House of Chung, eh?
170
00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:34,699
Come on, let's go, Brian.
I'm gonna get revenge.
171
00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:36,498
Just like I did against
that pigeon that
crapped on my car.
172
00:07:40,201 --> 00:07:41,365
Oh!
173
00:07:43,467 --> 00:07:46,698
That's right.
Get it nice and clean.
174
00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:52,965
The place is packed.
175
00:07:53,034 --> 00:07:54,765
How are we gonna figure out
who has your credit card?
176
00:07:54,834 --> 00:07:56,465
I got it, Brian.
Smell my ass.
177
00:07:56,534 --> 00:07:59,032
What?
Smell my ass.
It's where I keep my wallet.
178
00:07:59,101 --> 00:08:01,132
Get the scent
and then find the guy
that smells like me.
179
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,199
Peter, that's ridiculous.
180
00:08:02,267 --> 00:08:03,366
Come on, boy,
get the scent.
181
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:04,699
Cut it out!
Get a good sniff.
182
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:06,932
That's disgusting.
You're an idiot,
you know that?
183
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,498
Wait a minute.
184
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,265
(SNIFFING)
185
00:08:10,334 --> 00:08:11,498
Your wallet's
over there.
186
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,198
(GASPS)
187
00:08:15,267 --> 00:08:17,665
Oh, my God, it's you!
188
00:08:17,734 --> 00:08:19,165
James Woods.
189
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:24,131
Hello, Peter.
I've been expecting you.
190
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,499
You stole my credit card,
you son of a bitch.
191
00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:27,698
What did I ever do to you?
192
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:29,398
That's a good
question, Peter.
193
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:33,631
What did you ever do to me?
What did you ever
do to James Woods?
194
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:36,598
Well, I locked you in
a wooden crate and forgot
to put an air hole in it.
195
00:08:36,667 --> 00:08:37,798
Forgot to put
an air hole in it.
196
00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,432
Well, you kind of
had it coming.
197
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,565
Look, Mr. Woods,
just give Peter
back his wallet.
198
00:08:41,633 --> 00:08:43,665
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm just getting started.
199
00:08:43,733 --> 00:08:47,365
Peter, you humiliated me.
You put me through hell.
200
00:08:47,434 --> 00:08:48,765
And now you're
gonna pay for it.
201
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,398
So get ready, fuckers.
202
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,099
(SNIFFING)
203
00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:58,233
Oh! That kung pao
chicken smells good.
You smell that, Brian?
204
00:08:58,300 --> 00:08:59,331
All I can smell
is your ass.
205
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,198
Lois, we found the guy
who stole my wallet.
206
00:09:06,266 --> 00:09:07,465
You'll never
guess who it was.
207
00:09:07,533 --> 00:09:08,899
James Woods?
208
00:09:08,968 --> 00:09:11,165
WOODS: Hello, stranger.
209
00:09:11,234 --> 00:09:13,765
I don't recall
inviting you into my home.
210
00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:16,231
Peter, he's been
here for four hours.
211
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,932
I told him to leave,
but he keeps saying
he lives here.
212
00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:20,498
I say, this is
more uncomfortable
213
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:23,198
than having James Brady
at a cocktail party.
214
00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:24,899
All right,
so I got my handgun
215
00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:29,332
and I'm just randomly
firing it into a crowd
of people, and then...
216
00:09:29,401 --> 00:09:30,665
And then what?
217
00:09:30,734 --> 00:09:32,499
And... Nothing. Nothing.
218
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:35,265
No, no, I'm anxious to hear
the conclusion of your story.
219
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:39,365
It's stupid.
Stupid story.
220
00:09:39,434 --> 00:09:40,431
I'm calling the police.
221
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:41,565
That won't be necessary.
222
00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:42,731
I already did.
223
00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:45,231
(DOORBELL RINGS)
224
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:49,431
Hello, Officer. Would you be
kind enough to remove this
trespasser from my home?
225
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,165
What are you talking about?
This is my house.
226
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:54,498
No, this house
belongs to Peter Griffin.
And that's me.
227
00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:56,266
Hmm.
228
00:09:56,333 --> 00:10:01,065
Driver's license,
Social Security card,
passport, title to the house.
229
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,932
This puts me
in a tough spot.
230
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,798
Joe, you can't possibly
believe this.
You know who Peter is.
231
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:09,598
I know, Lois,
but this man has
all the paperwork.
232
00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,431
Oh, come on,
this is identity theft.
233
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:14,832
I hate to have to do this,
but I'm afraid legally
I have no choice.
234
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:16,765
I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave, sir.
235
00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:19,665
Thanks, Joe.
Clam later?
We'll hoist a few?
236
00:10:19,734 --> 00:10:21,233
Sure, Peter.
Joe!
237
00:10:22,434 --> 00:10:25,132
Hey, not so fast, pal.
Those are my clothes.
238
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:28,131
Oh, come on.
You heard him, fella.
Take 'em off.
239
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,798
Right down to
the poop sack.
240
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:34,698
What? You don't
all wear a poop sack?
241
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:38,098
Damn it, Bonnie!
You lied to me
about the poop sack!
242
00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:46,865
Hello, family.
Hello, honey.
243
00:10:46,934 --> 00:10:48,398
(BABBLES LOVINGLY)
244
00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:51,065
Stop calling me that.
I don't care what
the law says,
245
00:10:51,134 --> 00:10:54,032
you're not Peter Griffin,
you're James Woods.
246
00:10:54,101 --> 00:10:57,832
I should've warned you,
she can be a real bitch
in the morning.
247
00:10:57,901 --> 00:11:00,465
Mom, this is really weird.
I want Dad back.
248
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:03,832
I don't.
Having a celebrity
dad is a real thrill.
249
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:07,866
Not like the fake thrill
of running into your
ex-girlfriend on the street.
250
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:10,398
Rob? Hey!
Hey! How are you?
251
00:11:10,466 --> 00:11:11,965
God, it's good to see you.
252
00:11:12,034 --> 00:11:13,166
Good to see you, too.
253
00:11:13,233 --> 00:11:15,965
How's my dog?
I'm... I'm sorry, your dog?
254
00:11:16,034 --> 00:11:17,965
Oh, I had to give him away.
255
00:11:18,034 --> 00:11:19,231
Gave him away!
256
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,298
Well, Dave's allergic.
Dave!
257
00:11:21,366 --> 00:11:24,799
All right, so there's a Dave.
That's great. God,
Dave sounds great.
258
00:11:24,867 --> 00:11:28,498
Yeah, he is.
And his parents
are so sweet.
259
00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:31,431
Met his parents
and they're sweet.
Just older Daves, huh?
260
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:32,631
(LAUGHS)
261
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:35,332
What a family.
God, it's good
to see you.
262
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,831
You won't get
away with this, Woods.
263
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:39,765
You know, you're not supposed
to be in the house, Brian.
264
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,298
You're more of
an outdoor dog.
265
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,866
What the hell
does that mean?
266
00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:44,431
This is so humiliating.
267
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:45,965
For God's sake,
I went to Brown
268
00:11:46,034 --> 00:11:47,998
and he's got me out here
tied to a post like
some kind...
269
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:49,398
(BARKING)
270
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:52,865
What the hell?
271
00:11:52,934 --> 00:11:55,665
This rope was a lot longer,
and now it's somehow
gotten shorter.
272
00:11:55,734 --> 00:11:57,332
What sort of black
magic is this?
273
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,165
Brian, guess what?
274
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:02,532
I gave James Woods your
novel to read, and you're
not gonna believe this.
275
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,631
Really? Did he like it?
276
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:05,465
He wants to option
it and make a movie!
277
00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:07,399
Really?
No, he didn't really
respond to it.
278
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:11,166
Oh. Listen, I need your help.
Run inside and get me
a pair of scissors.
279
00:12:11,234 --> 00:12:12,665
No.
Why not?
280
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:13,898
Because you made me
watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup."
281
00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:17,965
Okay, wait,
so what is this now?
Just watch.
282
00:12:18,034 --> 00:12:19,765
Why are we taping my reaction?
Just... Just watch.
283
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:20,832
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
284
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:23,232
Okay. They're
lesbians, clearly.
285
00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:26,432
I don't know...
286
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:31,632
I don't know what else...
Wait. Wait.
287
00:12:31,701 --> 00:12:32,932
(CHUCKLING)
288
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:37,765
Wait... What? What? No!
289
00:12:39,268 --> 00:12:40,299
No!
290
00:12:41,168 --> 00:12:43,431
(SCREAMING)
291
00:12:45,301 --> 00:12:47,899
What is wrong with you?
Oh, my God!
292
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:50,299
(LAUGHING)
293
00:12:52,368 --> 00:12:56,965
Oh, I'm never gonna be able
to eat ice cream...
Oh, my God! Oh!
294
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,132
Oh, my God!
295
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,498
(GROANING)
296
00:13:06,268 --> 00:13:10,832
Oh, that is disgusting!
Oh, my God!
297
00:13:10,901 --> 00:13:15,565
Oh, can you imagine
if two dudes did that? Oh,
my God, that'd be even worse!
298
00:13:15,633 --> 00:13:18,531
I mean, like, would that...
Would that even exist?
299
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,333
I mean, like,
where would you
even find that?
300
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,431
Let's type it in and
see what comes up.
301
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,765
So, you can
just rot out here, Brian.
302
00:13:26,834 --> 00:13:28,731
Brian, what are you doing
tied to Meg's pole?
303
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,365
James Woods did it.
Hey, where'd you
get the clothes?
304
00:13:31,433 --> 00:13:33,965
I always keep
a spare at Quagmire's.
I got to tell you, though,
305
00:13:34,034 --> 00:13:36,731
there was some weird stuff
going on over there today.
306
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,565
Hey, Quagmire. Can I...
Hang on a sec.
307
00:13:38,634 --> 00:13:42,198
And that's why I contend
that when Frost speaks
of birch trees,
308
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:44,331
he may very well be
talking about himself.
309
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,398
No, Glenn, that's not...
310
00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:46,498
Gloria, please.
311
00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:47,932
You wanna hear
my interpretation,
312
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,698
or are you simply gonna
tell me that I'm wrong?
313
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:50,898
I'm simply pointing out...
314
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:52,731
Yes, we know.
You're very well-read.
315
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,465
But this is poetry
we're talking about,
316
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:58,098
and I think when
it comes to poetry,
you can't be wrong.
317
00:13:58,167 --> 00:14:00,831
What, Peter?
Nothing, nothing.
Sorry to interrupt.
318
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:03,899
The cedars represent society.
Sorry to interrupt.
319
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,199
Listen, you got
to get out of here.
320
00:14:05,268 --> 00:14:07,465
If James Woods sees you,
he's gonna call the cops.
321
00:14:07,534 --> 00:14:08,999
I miss my family, Brian,
and I gotta see them.
322
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,498
(SHOTGUN COCKING)
323
00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:14,065
Well, well.
A trespasser
on my property.
324
00:14:14,134 --> 00:14:15,498
That's the worst thing
that's happened to me since...
325
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:16,565
(GASPS)
326
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:17,632
You wouldn't!
327
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,298
It's up to you, Peter.
328
00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:22,565
Either you leave now,
or I set up one of your
random flashbacks.
329
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:23,931
All right, all right,
all right. Okay.
330
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:24,965
Peter, what do you care...
331
00:14:25,034 --> 00:14:27,565
No, no, Brian,
he's serious.
332
00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:34,198
I'll come back
for you, Lois.
333
00:14:34,266 --> 00:14:37,099
And I'll set up
all the flashbacks,
just like I used to.
334
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:38,564
Like the time
I swallowed that midget,
335
00:14:38,633 --> 00:14:41,331
who played Mini-Me,
just so I could
make you laugh.
336
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,598
You ready for
dinner, Peter?
337
00:14:42,667 --> 00:14:43,899
Oh, yeah.
338
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:48,431
In fact, my stomach has been
talking to me all day.
339
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:53,699
I said, my stomach has been
talking to me all day.
340
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:56,631
Come on, say the line.
341
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:58,531
Oh, oh, there he is.
342
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,265
You know what,
he slipped into my colon.
Yeah, damn it, he's smothered.
343
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:04,498
But let me just
ask you this, Lois,
344
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:07,598
if my stomach had said,
"Hell, yeah, I'm hungry!
345
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,099
"How about some pork chops?"
346
00:15:09,168 --> 00:15:10,531
Would you have
thought that was funny?
347
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,966
Not really.
348
00:15:13,034 --> 00:15:15,232
Well, then,
this has been
an absolute misfire.
349
00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:20,532
Oh, this is just awful.
350
00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:24,932
James Woods is destroying
this family, and all just
to get back at Peter.
351
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,932
I know, he's doing all
the stuff Dad usually does.
352
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,432
Right now he's
upstairs talking to Meg.
353
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:33,832
Now, Meg, you want to be thin
like all the Hollywood
starlets, right?
354
00:15:33,901 --> 00:15:35,431
Yeah, but I love to eat.
355
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,999
Well, I've got a way
that you can eat all you want
356
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,165
and look like
a Hollywood starlet.
357
00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:43,866
Meg, let me introduce
you to Mr. Pukey.
358
00:15:43,934 --> 00:15:45,132
Hiya, Meg.
359
00:15:45,201 --> 00:15:46,699
Hi.
360
00:15:46,768 --> 00:15:49,999
Gosh, Mr. Pukey,
you sure are good
at making fat women hot.
361
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,699
Wow, thanks.
362
00:15:51,768 --> 00:15:53,965
You think you could help out
my friend Meg here?
363
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:57,232
Yeah, I think I could
give her a hand.
364
00:15:57,301 --> 00:15:58,665
(LAUGHING)
365
00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:08,698
Now close your eyes, Meg,
and let Mr. Pukey
help you out.
366
00:16:09,467 --> 00:16:10,498
(RETCHING)
367
00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:11,832
Whoa!
368
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:14,866
When did Reese
Witherspoon get here?
369
00:16:14,934 --> 00:16:15,932
(GASPS)
370
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:16,999
(SQUEALS)
371
00:16:19,401 --> 00:16:21,266
Mr. Woods, how do
I get a girl to like me?
372
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:26,099
Oh, Chris, I'm your father.
Call me Dad.
373
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:31,065
Okay, Dad. How do
I get a girl to like me?
374
00:16:31,134 --> 00:16:33,698
Well, there's a number
of ways, Chris.
375
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:38,032
For example,
Heather Graham and I
had a mutual friend,
376
00:16:38,101 --> 00:16:41,032
and he threw a punch social
one day and we both
happened to be there.
377
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:44,731
Next thing you know,
we're both in the back
room, slam-bang.
378
00:16:44,801 --> 00:16:47,266
She didn't even
make me use a rubber.
I went bareback, babe.
379
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:49,598
Wow, she sounds
like a class act.
380
00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:51,598
Oh, not at all,
Chris. No, not at all.
381
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:53,698
Thanks, Dad,
I feel better.
382
00:16:53,768 --> 00:16:55,598
(LAUGHING)
383
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:57,865
(HUMMING)
384
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,066
♪ Off I go on my merry way
385
00:17:00,134 --> 00:17:01,464
♪ Life is great and I'm happy
with my dad ♪
386
00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:08,099
What am I gonna do, Brian?
387
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:10,799
James Woods has taken my life
and my family.
388
00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:13,899
I know, Peter, but identity
theft is one of the
hardest things to fight.
389
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,199
How you gonna handle it?
I don't know, Brian.
390
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:21,665
All I know is, I sure do
miss Lois. I gotta find
a way to see her.
391
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:24,699
And I think I just
got an idea.
392
00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:27,465
A much better idea
than when I did
magic for the blind.
393
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,465
Is this your card?
394
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:31,999
I don't know.
395
00:17:32,068 --> 00:17:33,299
Was it a red card?
396
00:17:33,368 --> 00:17:35,066
I don't know what red is.
397
00:17:36,233 --> 00:17:37,932
Ta-da.
398
00:17:41,868 --> 00:17:43,398
You know what's
amazing, Lois?
399
00:17:43,466 --> 00:17:47,066
A week from tomorrow,
it'll be 20 years
we've been married.
400
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,432
I married Peter Griffin,
you lunatic!
401
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:52,366
Hello. I was there, see?
402
00:17:54,634 --> 00:17:55,665
(SIGHS)
403
00:17:55,734 --> 00:17:57,831
Wow, same old pussy.
404
00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:01,899
Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
I brought a friend
home for dinner.
405
00:18:03,134 --> 00:18:04,698
Mom, Dad,
this is Scooter.
406
00:18:06,534 --> 00:18:08,631
Uh... Hello, Scooter.
407
00:18:08,701 --> 00:18:10,233
Hi, Scooter.
Hey, everybody.
408
00:18:10,301 --> 00:18:13,665
Sure is swell of you
to have me over.
What's for eats, Mrs. G?
409
00:18:13,734 --> 00:18:17,198
Meatloaf, Pete...
I mean, Scooter.
I hope you like it.
410
00:18:17,266 --> 00:18:19,632
Leaping lizards,
meatloaf is my favorite.
411
00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:21,532
Scooter, how come
we've never met you before?
412
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,098
Shut up, Meg.
413
00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:26,198
You know, Scooter,
we don't allow hats
at the dinner table.
414
00:18:26,266 --> 00:18:28,298
Oh, my bad, Mr. G.
Dad, no!
415
00:18:28,366 --> 00:18:30,231
Aha! I should have known!
416
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:33,432
Get out of my house right now,
son of a bitch!
417
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:34,698
(WHIMPERS)
418
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:35,965
(GUNSHOTS)
419
00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:37,165
(SCREAMING)
420
00:18:40,734 --> 00:18:42,465
(CRYING)
421
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:57,565
Well, that's it, Brian.
I guess he's won.
422
00:18:57,633 --> 00:18:59,631
I guess he's
Peter Griffin now.
423
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:01,065
Wait a minute, Peter.
424
00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:05,065
If he's Peter Griffin,
then that means you
can be James Woods.
425
00:19:05,134 --> 00:19:07,132
That's a great idea, Brian.
426
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,998
If I was a famous movie star,
I wouldn't even
want my family.
427
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:13,265
No, no, Peter,
I'm saying you can do
to him what he did to you.
428
00:19:13,333 --> 00:19:14,398
You can ruin him.
429
00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:17,565
I'll do it,
I'll be James Woods.
430
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:22,232
From this day forth,
I am James Woods.
431
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:25,298
And I'll stick to that story,
even if nobody believes it.
432
00:19:25,366 --> 00:19:28,599
I'll tell you
what nobody
believes in, ghosts.
433
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,832
♪ Where did Robinson Crusoe go
434
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:34,032
♪ With Friday on
Saturday night ♪
435
00:19:34,101 --> 00:19:35,799
Damn. Play me off, Johnny.
436
00:19:35,868 --> 00:19:37,365
(PLAYING RAPIDLY)
437
00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:43,131
You're probably wondering
why he's in hell.
438
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,798
Johnny liked little boys.
439
00:19:50,034 --> 00:19:51,233
The question is, Brian,
440
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,398
how am I gonna make people
think I'm James Woods?
441
00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:56,832
The same way he did, Peter.
Identity theft works
both ways.
442
00:19:56,901 --> 00:19:59,699
The first thing we're gonna do
is get you a perfect fake ID.
443
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:01,465
I know a guy who
does good work.
444
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,732
You took a big risk coming
here, man. James Woods
could be back any minute.
445
00:20:04,801 --> 00:20:06,066
I know. How fast
can you do it?
446
00:20:06,135 --> 00:20:07,265
As fast as Spider-Man
when he gets laid.
447
00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:10,799
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
448
00:20:10,868 --> 00:20:13,565
That's never happened
to me before. It's just...
449
00:20:13,634 --> 00:20:15,932
You're so attractive
and it's been a while.
450
00:20:16,001 --> 00:20:17,632
I'm gonna go.
451
00:20:17,701 --> 00:20:20,032
You know, some people say
that's good for your hair.
452
00:20:20,101 --> 00:20:21,165
WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.
453
00:20:22,601 --> 00:20:25,432
(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
454
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,565
Welcome back to the program,
ladies and gentlemen.
455
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:31,465
Please welcome our next guest,
Mr. James Woods. Oh, James.
456
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,698
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
457
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:35,565
Wait a minute,
you're not James Woods.
458
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,165
Oh, I believe I am.
459
00:20:37,233 --> 00:20:40,531
Driver's license,
Social Security card,
American Express.
460
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,965
What the hell is he doing?
461
00:20:42,034 --> 00:20:44,198
Wow, I guess you
are James Woods.
462
00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:47,399
So, now, let me understand
this, what are you here
to promote, James?
463
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:51,432
Well, Dave, I have
a hilarious new movie
coming out on HBO next month.
464
00:20:51,501 --> 00:20:52,799
It's all about 9/11.
465
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:55,999
The movie's called
September 11, 2000-Fun.
466
00:20:56,067 --> 00:20:57,231
(ALL GASPING)
467
00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:00,332
No! No, no, no, no!
468
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,498
James, that sounds
unbelievably offensive
to Americans.
469
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:05,665
Well, you haven't heard
what the movie is about.
470
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:09,865
I play a window washer
who has just finished
washing the last window
471
00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:11,198
of the World Trade Center.
472
00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:13,332
And then I turn around
to get off the scaffold,
473
00:21:13,401 --> 00:21:16,132
and what do you think
I see coming? A plane.
474
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,431
And I go, "Come on!"
475
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:20,665
You know, it's real,
real old-style comedy.
476
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:23,498
You know, it's like
two pies in the face,
477
00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:25,265
and one in a field
in Pennsylvania.
478
00:21:25,334 --> 00:21:27,198
James, I don't want to hear
any more about this.
479
00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:28,298
And the voice of
the plane is David Spade.
480
00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:33,065
What? I would never
work with David Spade!
481
00:21:33,134 --> 00:21:36,065
That dwarf!
That skinny
chicken shit!
482
00:21:36,134 --> 00:21:38,065
Okay, I think we've
heard enough of this.
483
00:21:38,134 --> 00:21:40,565
Now let's go to
Michael Richards
for his apology
484
00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:43,165
regarding the incident
at the Laugh Factory.
485
00:21:43,234 --> 00:21:45,899
Michael, why don't you explain
exactly what happened
486
00:21:45,968 --> 00:21:47,999
for the folks
who don't know?
487
00:21:48,068 --> 00:21:53,032
I... I lost my
temper onstage.
488
00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:57,331
I... I got heckled,
and went into a rage
489
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:03,598
and said some
very nasty things
to some Afro-Americans.
490
00:22:03,667 --> 00:22:05,398
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
491
00:22:05,467 --> 00:22:06,498
Stop laughing.
It's not funny.
492
00:22:10,233 --> 00:22:12,332
Well, Brian,
it's been a productive week.
493
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:17,298
I think I've successfully
destroyed James Woods'
reputation. Here it is.
494
00:22:17,367 --> 00:22:20,765
Well, our top story
continues to be the
fall of actor James Woods,
495
00:22:20,834 --> 00:22:23,665
who almost overnight has
gone from America's
most beloved celebrity
496
00:22:23,734 --> 00:22:24,832
to America's most
hated pariah.
497
00:22:28,267 --> 00:22:29,998
You're in a lot of trouble,
Griffin, you motherfucker!
498
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:35,198
Oh, no, sir.
You're Peter Griffin.
I'm James Woods.
499
00:22:35,267 --> 00:22:39,599
You ruined my reputation.
And now you are
gonna pay for it.
500
00:22:39,667 --> 00:22:41,631
We're gonna settle
this like men.
501
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:44,832
All right, we'll settle it
like men. But not here.
502
00:22:44,901 --> 00:22:46,899
Meet me out in the alley
in 20 minutes.
503
00:22:46,968 --> 00:22:49,465
I'll be there.
You be there, too,
you little faggot.
504
00:22:52,567 --> 00:22:56,599
All right, Peter, I'm here.
Where are you?
505
00:22:56,667 --> 00:23:01,898
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
506
00:23:01,967 --> 00:23:06,565
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
507
00:23:06,633 --> 00:23:10,432
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
508
00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:15,398
Okay, Brian,
next time let's remember
this right away,
509
00:23:15,467 --> 00:23:16,965
because he's
done this twice.
510
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:24,432
Oh, Peter, we're so glad
to have you back.
I missed you.
511
00:23:24,501 --> 00:23:26,032
I missed you, too, Lois.
512
00:23:26,101 --> 00:23:27,832
So, what happened
to James Woods?
513
00:23:27,901 --> 00:23:30,398
Oh, he's being
examined by top men.
514
00:23:30,467 --> 00:23:31,464
Who?
515
00:23:31,533 --> 00:23:33,632
Top men.