1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,732
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,433 --> 00:00:38,066
Lois, look at this.
11
00:00:38,135 --> 00:00:41,365
My essay won first prize
in the New England
Rising Writers Contest.
12
00:00:41,433 --> 00:00:43,932
I'm gonna be honored
at the big ceremony
on Martha's Vineyard.
13
00:00:44,001 --> 00:00:46,298
Ooh! New England
Rising Writers.
14
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:49,331
I'm sure it'll be
a veritable "who's that"
of the literary world.
15
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,998
Well, laugh all you want,
16
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:52,231
but they're gonna
put me up at a luxury hotel,
all expenses paid.
17
00:00:54,767 --> 00:00:55,832
Wow, congratulations, Brian.
18
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:57,232
Meg, please, I'm talking.
19
00:00:57,301 --> 00:00:59,166
Over a thousand people
entered the contest,
20
00:00:59,234 --> 00:01:00,365
and they chose mine.
21
00:01:00,434 --> 00:01:02,099
Well, that's wonderful, Brian.
22
00:01:02,168 --> 00:01:04,032
Yeah, that's
a great achievement.
23
00:01:04,101 --> 00:01:07,598
Just like the first
chemotherapy patient to figure
out the handkerchief look.
24
00:01:10,267 --> 00:01:11,865
Honey, get in here!
25
00:01:11,934 --> 00:01:14,232
What is it?
Just... Just get in here!
26
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:17,598
What... Oh, my God.
Right?
27
00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,765
It's like you don't
even have cancer!
Don't even have cancer!
28
00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:22,665
I know.
Oh, my God.
29
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:25,066
No, but I still have
pretty aggressive cancer.
30
00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:32,132
Come on, Peter.
We're gonna be late
for lunch with Mom and Dad.
31
00:01:32,201 --> 00:01:34,631
Oh. Right.
32
00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:36,065
You didn't forget,
did you?
33
00:01:36,134 --> 00:01:37,331
No, no, I didn't forget.
34
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,498
Let me just go change
out of this fishing gear.
35
00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:44,166
Hey, Peter, what's up?
Come on, come on,
we gotta go now!
36
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:46,965
We gotta go now. Come on,
Joe! Joe! Quagmire!
Come on. Go, go, go!
37
00:01:47,034 --> 00:01:49,166
Pull the car around.
Come on, let's go!
38
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,366
(PHONE RINGING)
39
00:01:51,435 --> 00:01:53,932
Hello?
Lois, this is Peter.
40
00:01:54,001 --> 00:01:57,366
I'm afraid that on my way
to the bedroom to
change, I took ill.
41
00:01:57,435 --> 00:01:59,032
You'd best go to
lunch without me.
42
00:01:59,101 --> 00:02:01,132
Why do I hear an engine?
43
00:02:01,201 --> 00:02:03,032
Because my stomach
is rumbling in a way
44
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:05,332
that sounds like the engine
of Joe's fishing truck.
45
00:02:05,401 --> 00:02:06,599
Peter, are you lying?
46
00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:08,332
Now she's a doctor, guys.
47
00:02:08,401 --> 00:02:09,966
QUAGMIRE: Hi, Lois!
PETER: Quagmire says hi.
48
00:02:10,034 --> 00:02:12,298
Damn it, Peter,
you're going fishing,
aren't you?
49
00:02:12,367 --> 00:02:14,799
You promised me
you'd come to lunch
with my parents today.
50
00:02:14,867 --> 00:02:17,233
Well, Lois,
until we get an
appointment secretary,
51
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:20,198
things like this
are gonna continue
to fall through the cracks.
52
00:02:20,267 --> 00:02:22,565
My parents are not
gonna like this, Peter.
53
00:02:22,634 --> 00:02:25,132
You know they're still
angry at how you
behaved at our wedding.
54
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,398
You may now
kiss the bride.
55
00:02:28,466 --> 00:02:31,999
Kiss her?
I am gonna destroy her.
56
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,431
Mom, are you still
mad at Dad
about yesterday?
57
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:41,631
Well, sort of.
58
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:44,132
I mean, we planned
that lunch two weeks ago.
59
00:02:44,201 --> 00:02:45,665
But he promised
he'd go with me
60
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:47,866
to put flowers on
my grandmother's
grave this afternoon,
61
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:49,698
so I guess
it's all right.
62
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,198
Peter, are you ready...
63
00:02:51,266 --> 00:02:53,698
Oh. Right.
64
00:02:58,034 --> 00:03:01,132
So, a lot of tension
with Peter lately, huh?
65
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,932
That's an understatement,
Brian. He's been incredibly
thoughtless lately.
66
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:07,032
Even more so than usual.
67
00:03:07,101 --> 00:03:08,732
But tonight is
our sex night,
68
00:03:08,801 --> 00:03:12,099
and a little physical release
will do us both some good.
69
00:03:12,168 --> 00:03:14,265
Peter, are you...
Oh, come on!
70
00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:15,498
Lois, I know it's late,
71
00:03:15,567 --> 00:03:17,233
but, me and the guys,
we're going beekeeping.
72
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,766
Oh, my God,
what the hell is
wrong with you?
73
00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:24,432
Whoa, someone just
yelled themselves out
of honey with breakfast.
74
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,966
I don't need honey, Peter,
75
00:03:26,034 --> 00:03:28,698
I need a husband
who wants to
spend time with me.
76
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,399
Can I make a suggestion?
77
00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:34,032
All you two have done
is argue about stuff
for the past two weeks.
78
00:03:34,101 --> 00:03:36,099
It's my guess you
could use a vacation.
79
00:03:36,168 --> 00:03:37,598
Why don't you come out
to Martha's Vineyard
80
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:39,632
and watch me
accept my award?
81
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:41,832
Wow, does that
sound wonderful.
82
00:03:41,901 --> 00:03:43,732
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
that sounds expensive.
83
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,698
Can't we just do
something fun here
at the house?
84
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,132
It's just as relaxing.
85
00:03:47,201 --> 00:03:51,232
Hey, guys,
I've decided I'm
gonna take up the drums.
86
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,198
I'll start packing.
I'll start packing.
87
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,565
(BOTH LAUGHING)
88
00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:57,699
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
89
00:04:07,101 --> 00:04:10,231
Look, Quagmire, we're only
gonna be in Martha's Vineyard
for a couple days.
90
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,632
Can't you just
watch the kids?
91
00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:15,299
Man, you're more of a letdown
than Fruit Stripe Gum.
92
00:04:17,201 --> 00:04:19,365
Hmm! Aw!
93
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:21,198
What are we gonna do, Lois?
Quagmire's busy,
94
00:04:21,266 --> 00:04:22,832
and Joe and Bonnie
are out of town.
95
00:04:22,901 --> 00:04:24,231
Well, what about Cleveland?
96
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,698
He's on the road
touring with Black Box.
97
00:04:26,768 --> 00:04:28,132
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
98
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:36,932
♪ Everybody
♪ Everybody
99
00:04:37,001 --> 00:04:39,398
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
100
00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:41,366
Well, wait a minute,
what about that nice old man
101
00:04:41,434 --> 00:04:42,699
who lives up the street?
102
00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:44,365
Oh, yeah,
maybe Herbert can
watch the kids.
103
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:45,465
He seems like
a responsible guy.
104
00:04:47,135 --> 00:04:50,365
So it would only be
till Monday, and we
could pay you for it.
105
00:04:50,433 --> 00:04:52,065
Yeah, and it's
real easy, I promise.
106
00:04:52,134 --> 00:04:54,598
I mean, you've spent time
watching children, right?
107
00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:56,399
Yes, sir.
Yes, I have.
108
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:57,498
Wonderful.
109
00:04:57,567 --> 00:04:59,231
You mind stopping by
tomorrow morning?
110
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,564
I'll wear my
snazziest duds.
111
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,498
♪ Got my tweed pressed
112
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:07,766
♪ Got my best vest
113
00:05:07,834 --> 00:05:12,632
♪ All I need now is a boy
114
00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:14,598
♪ Got my striped tie
115
00:05:14,667 --> 00:05:16,832
♪ Got my hopes high
116
00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:19,932
♪ Got the time and the place
And I got rhythm
117
00:05:20,001 --> 00:05:22,365
♪ Now all I need is Chris
to go with 'em
118
00:05:22,433 --> 00:05:25,399
♪ If he'll just appear
119
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:30,899
♪ We'll fill this
big town full of joy
120
00:05:30,968 --> 00:05:34,598
♪ And if he'll say
"My, darling, I'm yours"
121
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,732
♪ I'll throw away
my striped tie
122
00:05:37,801 --> 00:05:39,998
♪ And my best-pressed tweed
123
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:45,133
♪ All I really need is a boy ♪
124
00:05:57,134 --> 00:06:00,765
Brian, this is wonderful.
I feel like one of
the Kennedys.
125
00:06:00,834 --> 00:06:02,698
You know, the
over-privileged drunk ones,
126
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:04,799
not the socially-responsible
dead ones.
127
00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:06,999
You know, this resort offers
some wonderful amenities.
128
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,099
They have bird-watching,
wine tasting,
horseback riding.
129
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:13,398
Yeah, they also
have stork startling.
130
00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:16,132
Squawkety, squawkety,
squawkety, squawkety,
squawkety, squawkety!
131
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:17,532
(LAUGHING)
132
00:06:17,601 --> 00:06:20,599
Your bird intelligence
is no match for my
people intelligence.
133
00:06:25,101 --> 00:06:26,099
(SIGHS)
134
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:28,832
This is so
wonderfully peaceful.
135
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:31,132
Yeah, really is
another world out here.
136
00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:33,132
And just so quiet.
137
00:06:33,201 --> 00:06:34,965
(HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE)
138
00:06:36,034 --> 00:06:37,799
♪ I'm half shark
and half Peter
139
00:06:37,867 --> 00:06:40,332
♪ Don't come near me,
I will eat you ♪
140
00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:44,199
Peter, will you
knock that off?
It's getting annoying.
141
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:46,898
All right, fine.
I'm gonna go scare
some people.
142
00:06:46,967 --> 00:06:49,465
Nobody will buy it.
There are no sharks out here.
143
00:06:49,533 --> 00:06:51,565
Lots of people
swimming up there.
144
00:06:51,634 --> 00:06:54,832
I could pig out
if I wanted to, but
I'm watching my weight
145
00:06:54,901 --> 00:06:57,899
'cause I don't wanna
spend the Fourth of
July alone again.
146
00:06:57,968 --> 00:07:02,032
Plus, I ate a dog yesterday,
and now I got a bone
stuck in my anus.
147
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:08,431
All right, children,
your mammy and pappy asked me
148
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:11,032
to look after you
for the next couple days,
149
00:07:11,101 --> 00:07:13,832
so I want to lay down
a few ground rules.
150
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:16,333
No cussing,
clean your plates,
151
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:20,132
and only a half hour of radio
and then it's off to bed.
152
00:07:20,201 --> 00:07:21,732
Well, that sucks.
153
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,398
And don't you mouth off to me,
or I'm gonna slap you
right in your penis.
154
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:26,765
No offense, Mr. Herbert,
155
00:07:26,833 --> 00:07:29,298
but I'm a 17-year-old girl,
and I don't need you here.
156
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,232
Well, no offense to you, Meg,
157
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:34,831
but you're a 17-year-old girl,
and I don't need you here.
158
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,499
What do you think's
keeping Peter?
159
00:07:42,567 --> 00:07:45,032
I hope he gets here
before they give
you your award.
160
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,165
Well, you're here, Lois.
That's enough for me.
161
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,365
(CHUCKLES) Oh...
162
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,765
You always know
just what to say.
163
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:53,365
And the award
for most mediocre
children's book
164
00:07:53,434 --> 00:07:56,999
goes to
The Adventures of Haskell:
The Mystery Horse.
165
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,098
Here to accept is Haskell.
166
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:00,432
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
167
00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:02,631
Thank you.
168
00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:06,765
Where am I gonna go next,
what interesting adventure?
169
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:10,398
You don't know.
I'll have my award now.
170
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:14,965
And now, reading a passage
171
00:08:15,034 --> 00:08:18,331
from his grand prize-winning
short essay, Amazing Grace,
172
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,565
tonight's guest of honor,
Mr. Brian Griffin.
173
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:26,465
Thank you very much.
174
00:08:26,534 --> 00:08:29,865
"She was grace in name
and in essence.
175
00:08:29,934 --> 00:08:34,832
"To those she loved,
she exuded strength,
life, laughter and light.
176
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,899
"And, to me, also sorrow,
177
00:08:36,968 --> 00:08:39,498
"for circumstance
had bound her
to my best friend,
178
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:43,365
"through whom we met
in the warmth and
serenity of her home.
179
00:08:43,433 --> 00:08:45,598
"Nothing from
the first day I saw her
180
00:08:45,667 --> 00:08:47,899
"and no one
that has happened to me since
181
00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:51,298
"has ever been
as frightening
and as confusing,
182
00:08:51,366 --> 00:08:53,865
"for no person I've ever known
has ever done more
183
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:57,066
"to make me feel more sure,
more insecure,
184
00:08:57,134 --> 00:08:59,732
"more important
and less significant."
185
00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,766
That was beautiful, Brian.
186
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:14,065
Well, you know what they say,
write what's in your heart.
187
00:09:14,134 --> 00:09:18,398
(SLURRING) Hey! Oh, did...
Did I miss Byron's reward?
188
00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:21,665
Brian's award.
And, yes, you did, Peter.
189
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:25,899
You've been a good son, Brian,
and I'm sorry you're so sick.
190
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,999
What?
Peter, where the hell
have you been?
191
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:35,599
Every time that we go
to a hotel, you hide the
key to the minibar from me.
192
00:09:35,667 --> 00:09:39,298
But I found it.
I found it.
193
00:09:40,034 --> 00:09:43,165
Lois Griffin.
194
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:46,932
You're a piece of work,
you know that? An hour
late and you're drunk.
195
00:09:47,001 --> 00:09:49,932
You had an opportunity
to share a beautiful
moment with Brian,
196
00:09:50,001 --> 00:09:51,298
and you wasted it,
197
00:09:51,367 --> 00:09:52,698
wasted it like the
Osmond family
wastes water.
198
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:55,432
(SHOWER RUNNING)
199
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,532
Who's in the shower?
Is it Donny?
200
00:09:57,601 --> 00:10:00,198
No, I showered earlier.
It could be Merrill.
201
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,732
Merrill's right here.
202
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,065
Well, where's Jimmy?
203
00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:05,565
Jimmy's running through
the sprinklers in the yard.
204
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:06,665
Is it Marie?
205
00:10:06,734 --> 00:10:08,365
No, no one's in there.
206
00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:11,598
So the shower's just running
with no one in there?
207
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:12,665
That's right.
208
00:10:12,734 --> 00:10:14,598
Well, I'll be
a son of a gun.
209
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:19,332
(SNORING)
210
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:21,731
Hey. Good morning.
211
00:10:21,801 --> 00:10:23,899
Oh, good morning, Brian.
212
00:10:23,967 --> 00:10:27,232
That's a lovely fragrance
you're wearing. What is it?
213
00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:30,199
Oh, this? This is
Hartz Mountain Flea Dip.
214
00:10:30,268 --> 00:10:33,266
Kills ticks, fleas
and mosquitoes.
It's very potent.
215
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,531
Almost as potent
as the inspiration
you give me
216
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,965
to plumb the deepest
fathoms of my soul
217
00:10:38,034 --> 00:10:41,232
for a literary bounty
of truth and loveliness.
218
00:10:41,301 --> 00:10:42,932
(FARTS LOUDLY)
219
00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:49,065
That's so much better.
Morning, Lois.
220
00:10:49,134 --> 00:10:52,498
I'm sorry about last night.
I promise I'll make
it up to you.
221
00:10:52,566 --> 00:10:54,765
Well, if you
really mean that,
222
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:57,132
I was hoping we could go
paddle-boating today.
223
00:10:57,201 --> 00:11:00,166
Great, but can we
do it after 5:00?
There's a ball game on.
224
00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:02,598
Well, then maybe Brian
and I can hang out.
225
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:03,665
Do you mind, Brian?
226
00:11:03,733 --> 00:11:05,265
No, not at all.
227
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:07,298
Good, now can you move,
please? You're blocking
the screen.
228
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,765
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now
return to Damn, Nature,
You Scary on BET.
229
00:11:12,334 --> 00:11:14,531
MAN ON TV: Damn,
that motherfucker run fast.
You see that shit?
230
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,598
That thing come
by my house, I kill it.
231
00:11:18,168 --> 00:11:20,032
(ROARS)
232
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,765
That little rat-looking
thing just got ate.
Damn, Nature, you scary!
233
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:27,632
♪ You must remember this
234
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:30,865
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
235
00:11:30,933 --> 00:11:37,132
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
236
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:42,998
♪ The fundamental things apply
237
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:47,431
♪ As time goes by
238
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:56,799
♪ Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date
239
00:11:56,867 --> 00:12:02,966
♪ Hearts filled with passion
Jealousy and hate
240
00:12:03,034 --> 00:12:09,999
♪ Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
241
00:12:10,068 --> 00:12:14,432
♪ That no one can deny
242
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:17,565
♪ It's still the same
old story
243
00:12:17,634 --> 00:12:20,598
♪ A fight for love and glory
244
00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:26,898
♪ A case of do or die
245
00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:32,331
♪ The world will
always welcome lovers
246
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,299
♪ As time goes by
247
00:12:36,368 --> 00:12:42,732
♪ The world will
always welcome lovers
248
00:12:42,801 --> 00:12:49,798
♪ As time goes by ♪
249
00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,165
You all know what day it is?
No.
250
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:00,832
It's bath day.
251
00:13:00,901 --> 00:13:02,832
I don't want to
take a bath.
252
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:04,532
(GIGGLES)
253
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:09,265
Not for you, silly.
It's bath day for me,
but I can't wash myself.
254
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:12,098
Know anybody
with a pair of strong,
young hands
255
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,999
to help me in and
out of the tub?
256
00:13:15,534 --> 00:13:16,665
Rats!
257
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,198
Oh, I had so much
fun today, Brian.
258
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:24,432
So did I.
259
00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:25,898
Hey, you feel like grabbing
something to eat?
260
00:13:25,967 --> 00:13:27,865
Oh, I'd love to,
but Peter and I,
261
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:30,899
we're gonna get dinner
at that little place by the...
262
00:13:37,201 --> 00:13:39,899
Well, looks
like I am free.
263
00:13:39,968 --> 00:13:41,665
Hey, you know
what might be fun?
264
00:13:41,734 --> 00:13:44,832
How about we just order
room service and watch
a couple of bad movies?
265
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:47,765
Yeah, that does
sound like fun.
I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.
266
00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:50,365
I said a bad movie,
not an abortion.
267
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,032
This is gonna be great.
A whole evening with Lois!
268
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:57,599
We are gonna
have such a fun time.
269
00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:58,998
Lois, my darling!
270
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:01,665
Couple of steaks, some wine,
maybe a couple of sundaes...
271
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:02,998
Lois, my darling!
272
00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:04,732
...little music,
some candlelight.
273
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,132
Lois, my darling!
274
00:14:07,201 --> 00:14:08,832
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What am I doing?
275
00:14:08,901 --> 00:14:10,665
This is Lois,
Peter's wife.
276
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:13,298
How can I even think
about trying anything?
277
00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:14,365
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
278
00:14:14,434 --> 00:14:16,065
Hello?
STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me.
279
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:18,165
I got a question for you.
280
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:22,098
Herbert and I are playing
Scattergories. Would you
count NyQuil as a beverage?
281
00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:24,265
No, right?
No.
282
00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:26,098
Yeah, not gonna fly, old man.
Thanks, Brian.
283
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:27,198
HERBERT: Oh,
that is bullshit!
284
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,699
This is so much fun, Brian.
285
00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:35,899
Well, it's a Saturday night,
286
00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:38,198
sorry the video-store pickings
were a little sparse.
287
00:14:38,267 --> 00:14:40,532
Hope you like Roman Holiday.
288
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,298
I lied. I was a princess
the whole time.
289
00:14:43,367 --> 00:14:47,032
You bitch!
I'm gonna punch
you in the face!
290
00:14:47,101 --> 00:14:51,266
That was a lovely dinner.
I saved all my scraps
in a bag for you.
291
00:14:51,335 --> 00:14:55,631
Thanks. You know, Lois,
I'm sure you've already
figured this out,
292
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:59,832
but that essay I wrote,
I wrote it about you.
293
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:01,531
(CHUCKLES) Oh...
294
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:06,432
I had a hunch. Thank you,
Brian. I'm glad you
shared that with me.
295
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:08,865
Well, you know, Lois,
you mean a lot to me.
296
00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:14,165
I mean, things you say
and things you do resonate
with me in a big way.
297
00:15:14,234 --> 00:15:18,032
When you drive away to
go to the market, I just don't
know what to do with myself.
298
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:21,298
And then when I hear that car
coming up the driveway,
I just go berserk.
299
00:15:21,366 --> 00:15:23,799
I mean, you know,
half the time, when
you go to the market,
300
00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:26,132
I just assume
you're leaving forever,
and when you get back,
301
00:15:26,201 --> 00:15:30,232
I realize I have no idea
how long you've been gone,
and I...
302
00:15:30,301 --> 00:15:32,432
Well, you know what, I'm...
I'm rambling. I...
303
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:33,765
Would you like
some more champagne?
304
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:35,798
I'd love some.
305
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,465
My head is swimming.
306
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,665
Oh, my God! Brian, no!
Now, stop it!
What are you doing?
307
00:15:45,734 --> 00:15:48,032
I can't help myself, Lois!
I know you're married
to Peter,
308
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:50,698
but I love you
and I can't stand
it anymore!
309
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:54,333
Brian, no! No!
Get down! Get down!
310
00:15:54,401 --> 00:15:57,865
This is a good
sweater! Off! Off!
311
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:01,298
Brian, I think
you'd better go.
312
00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:12,099
BRIAN: Lois, I'd really
like to talk about this.
313
00:16:12,168 --> 00:16:14,698
No! Stop scratching the door!
Okay.
314
00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:21,532
Oh, my God,
I attacked Lois!
315
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,498
What the hell
was I thinking?
I'm a rapist!
316
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,399
I'm... I'm no better
than Kobe Bryant
or Mike Tyson or Reagan!
317
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:29,065
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
318
00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:30,998
STEWIE: Hey, Brian,
another Scattergories
question.
319
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:34,865
The category is "Type of Pet."
Herbert put "Cambodian."
320
00:16:34,933 --> 00:16:36,332
That's not right, right?
321
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,065
Look, Stewie,
I can't talk about
this now, all right?
322
00:16:38,134 --> 00:16:39,665
Jeez, what's your problem?
323
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:41,165
I just...
324
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:44,399
I did a bad thing,
and I don't know
what to do about it.
325
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:46,532
I feel like I'm
losing my mind.
326
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,198
That's how I felt
at that Grateful Dead show.
327
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:52,465
Does anybody
want to buy my shirt?
328
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:55,465
I'll trade you my shirt
for a grilled cheese!
329
00:16:55,533 --> 00:16:59,631
So, what happened, sport?
Come on, talk to
your pal, Stewie.
330
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:03,166
All right, but only because
I've got to tell somebody.
331
00:17:03,235 --> 00:17:06,099
I pretty much just
threw myself at Lois.
332
00:17:06,168 --> 00:17:08,698
So, you finally
did it, huh?
333
00:17:08,768 --> 00:17:10,665
Well, look, Brian,
as your friend,
334
00:17:10,734 --> 00:17:13,531
I should tell you
that that vagina is
ground zero, man.
335
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,331
I mean, I just...
I wrecked that thing
on the way out.
336
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,331
And just to be a jerk,
I carved "Brooks
was here" in the wall.
337
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,598
Did... Did you see that?
Did you see "Brooks was here"?
338
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,331
We didn't have sex.
339
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,465
'Course, what with Chris
going before me, I pretty
much just walked out of there.
340
00:17:28,533 --> 00:17:30,199
Didn't even have
to stoop over.
341
00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:32,999
There was even room
to twirl a cane as I strolled.
342
00:17:33,068 --> 00:17:35,032
You're exaggerating.
Only a little bit,
343
00:17:35,101 --> 00:17:36,599
that's the
messed-up thing.
344
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:42,966
Morning, Lois.
Peter, there you are.
345
00:17:43,034 --> 00:17:45,199
Were you down
at that hotel bar
all night again?
346
00:17:45,268 --> 00:17:47,598
I was, Lois.
And you know who's
staying at this hotel?
347
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,266
Nathan Lane!
348
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:52,066
We got wasted at the bar,
and he ended up asking
me to marry him,
349
00:17:52,134 --> 00:17:55,299
so I convinced this
minister to do the job,
but the joke's on Nathan Lane,
350
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:57,065
'cause gay people
can't get married!
351
00:17:57,134 --> 00:18:00,531
They can in this state, Peter.
Oh.
352
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,965
Well, in that case,
we're registered
at Filene's.
353
00:18:03,034 --> 00:18:06,232
God, you've spent half
this entire trip intoxicated!
354
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:08,498
I'm intoxicated
all right, Lois,
355
00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:11,266
by the beauty and magic
of Martha's Vineyard,
356
00:18:11,334 --> 00:18:14,866
Nantucket, Cape Cod
and all the great destinations
357
00:18:14,934 --> 00:18:18,333
that make Massachusetts
the wondrous place it is.
358
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:22,231
♪ The spirit of Massachusetts
Is the spirit of America
359
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:26,032
♪ The spirit of what's
old and what's new
360
00:18:26,101 --> 00:18:29,898
♪ The spirit of Massachusetts
Is the spirit of America
361
00:18:29,967 --> 00:18:33,365
♪ The spirit of the red,
white and blue ♪
362
00:18:35,434 --> 00:18:37,732
I am so glad
Brian brought us
out here, Lois.
363
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,565
He's a real pal,
you know that?
364
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:42,499
Well, it's actually Brian
I need to talk to you about.
365
00:18:42,567 --> 00:18:44,532
Boy, he's a hell
of a guy, isn't he?
366
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,298
I mean, Quagmire's
a lot of fun at a party,
367
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:49,298
but, you know, he's
so horny all the time,
I feel like I can't trust him.
368
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:51,499
Cleveland's a great guy
but he's got a mustache,
369
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:53,532
so you got to wonder
what he's hiding.
370
00:18:53,601 --> 00:18:56,332
Joe's a cripple,
so, for obvious reasons,
I can't trust him.
371
00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:01,298
But Brian, Brian's solid.
He's the one guy
I know I can trust.
372
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:04,264
Brian tried to
have sex with me.
373
00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:05,364
Was he bigger than me?
374
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:13,232
"...and they told Peter
to stay away from the Wolf.
375
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:17,265
"But he didn't listen to them
'cause he's his own man.
376
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:21,765
"And he knew that sometimes
the things that seem
the most dangerous
377
00:19:21,834 --> 00:19:24,499
"turn out to be
the most fun."
378
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:28,098
Yes, sir, it was
a good day for young Peter.
379
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,899
(WHISTLING CHEERFULLY)
380
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:39,565
Are you a pedophile?
381
00:19:46,633 --> 00:19:50,032
Hey, Lois told me
there was some
funny business.
382
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:51,899
Yeah, what of it?
Well, it's just...
383
00:19:51,968 --> 00:19:54,398
I can't help but feel
a little betrayed, Brian.
384
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,233
Lois is my wife, and...
385
00:19:56,301 --> 00:19:58,866
Well, I mean,
all the dry food I've bought
for you over the years?
386
00:19:58,934 --> 00:20:00,732
Yeah, well,
you don't deserve her,
you know that?
387
00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:02,765
Say what, now?
You don't deserve her.
388
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:05,065
She does nothing
but give and give and give,
389
00:20:05,134 --> 00:20:07,598
and you repay her
with selfishness and neglect.
390
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:10,632
I mean, you've barely
spent any time with her
at all on this vacation.
391
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:13,331
Well, who the hell are you
to tell me how to
run my marriage?
392
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,865
You can't even hang on
to a girlfriend for more
than a couple months!
393
00:20:15,933 --> 00:20:17,331
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
394
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,932
You're a freakin' train wreck
with that crap, Brian.
395
00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:21,699
You couldn't even get Jillian
to take you back,
396
00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:24,298
and she was dumber
than Lou Ferrigno.
397
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,065
(GROWLING)
398
00:20:39,267 --> 00:20:40,698
(YELLING)
399
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:52,065
(GROANS)
400
00:20:55,333 --> 00:20:58,265
Stop it! Stop it!
Get off my husband!
401
00:20:58,333 --> 00:21:02,565
Wait a minute, Brian.
Nathan Lane is right.
What are we doing?
402
00:21:02,633 --> 00:21:05,765
Look, I'm sorry,
all right? It's just...
403
00:21:05,833 --> 00:21:09,831
When you have feelings
for someone that are
strong enough, you just,
404
00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:12,166
I don't know,
lose sight of the
rest of the world.
405
00:21:12,234 --> 00:21:16,532
Brian, she's my wife,
and you're my best pal.
406
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,465
So, what are we
gonna do about this?
407
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:20,065
(SIGHS)
408
00:21:20,134 --> 00:21:24,298
I promise, Peter,
nothing like this
will ever happen again.
409
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:25,832
Thanks, old buddy.
410
00:21:25,901 --> 00:21:28,333
Yeah, blah, blah, blah!
That's all well
and good, Peter.
411
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,132
Now, get ready,
we're having dinner
with my parents tonight!
412
00:21:32,201 --> 00:21:34,665
Oh. Right.
413
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,698
I just feel terrible
about this whole thing, Lois.
414
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:42,899
Can you ever forgive me?
415
00:21:42,967 --> 00:21:46,032
Yes, Brian, I can.
416
00:21:46,101 --> 00:21:48,098
But there's something
you deserve to know.
417
00:21:48,167 --> 00:21:50,532
What's that?
Well,
418
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,965
it's not like I
haven't thought about it.
419
00:21:53,034 --> 00:21:54,398
Really?
Well, yes.
420
00:21:54,467 --> 00:21:57,266
I mean, you and I
have a lot in common,
421
00:21:57,333 --> 00:21:59,799
and we've spent
so much time together
over the years,
422
00:21:59,867 --> 00:22:04,965
and, of course,
that essay you wrote,
it really touched my heart.
423
00:22:05,034 --> 00:22:06,565
Well, to be honest, Lois,
424
00:22:06,634 --> 00:22:09,932
I ripped off
most of that speech
from Summer of '42.
425
00:22:10,001 --> 00:22:11,265
Oh.
426
00:22:11,334 --> 00:22:12,999
Well, it was still nice.
427
00:22:13,068 --> 00:22:14,464
Let me just ask you this.
428
00:22:14,533 --> 00:22:17,665
When these thoughts about you
and I have crossed your mind,
429
00:22:17,734 --> 00:22:19,965
is it good?
430
00:22:20,034 --> 00:22:21,966
What do you mean?
Well...
431
00:22:22,034 --> 00:22:23,032
Oh!
432
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:24,498
Yeah.
433
00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:26,832
Well, a lot of times
when Peter and I
are having sex,
434
00:22:26,901 --> 00:22:28,599
I feel suffocated,
435
00:22:28,667 --> 00:22:31,965
but with you I imagine
it would be like doing it
with a stuffed animal.
436
00:22:32,034 --> 00:22:33,298
Everybody ready to go?
437
00:22:33,367 --> 00:22:34,398
All set, Peter.
438
00:22:34,466 --> 00:22:36,065
Good.
439
00:22:36,134 --> 00:22:38,032
Well, we may be leaving
Martha's Vineyard,
440
00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:41,932
but the spirit of this
wonderful place will stay in
our hearts all the way home.
441
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:44,632
'Cause after all...
442
00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:47,965
♪ The spirit of Massachusetts
Is the spirit of America
443
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,765
ALL: ♪ The spirit of
what's old and what's new
444
00:22:51,834 --> 00:22:55,631
♪ The spirit of Massachusetts
Is the spirit of America
445
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:59,398
♪ The spirit of the red,
white and blue
446
00:22:59,467 --> 00:23:03,398
♪ The spirit of Massachusetts
Is the spirit of America
447
00:23:03,466 --> 00:23:07,231
♪ The spirit of what's old
and what's new
448
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:11,065
♪ The spirit of Massachusetts
Is the spirit of America
449
00:23:11,134 --> 00:23:17,999
♪ The spirit of the red,
white and blue ♪
450
00:23:29,733 --> 00:23:31,231
(SNORING)