1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:43,132
Hey, Stewie,
you ready to go home?
11
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,365
About an hour ago.
This party sucks.
12
00:00:45,434 --> 00:00:46,399
What happened to
your face?
13
00:00:46,467 --> 00:00:47,899
I'm a kitty cat.
14
00:00:47,967 --> 00:00:50,865
Stupid face-painters
apparently never heard
of Darth Maul.
15
00:00:50,934 --> 00:00:53,231
This party's worse
than a Mexican funeral.
16
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,431
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
17
00:01:11,233 --> 00:01:13,565
(PLAYING LA CUCARACHA
ON ORGAN)
18
00:01:20,034 --> 00:01:21,298
Let's get out
of here, Brian.
19
00:01:21,366 --> 00:01:23,465
That birthday party
Spider-Man
is eyeing me.
20
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:25,899
Don't let me catch you,
21
00:01:25,968 --> 00:01:28,699
'cause I'll just wrap you up
and eat you later.
22
00:01:28,767 --> 00:01:30,032
(LAUGHING)
23
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:33,266
Hang on a second.
Who's that?
24
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,266
That's Jared's mom.
Her husband died in Iraq.
25
00:01:39,335 --> 00:01:40,899
Really?
26
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,398
No, wait. He was either
wounded or killed.
I don't remember.
27
00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:44,765
Well, which is it, Stewie,
wounded or killed?
28
00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:46,032
I can work with either.
No, no, he's dead. He's dead.
29
00:01:46,101 --> 00:01:47,132
Just like
the Pink Panther.
30
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,365
What's wrong
with him, Doctor?
31
00:01:50,433 --> 00:01:52,598
Well, it seems his lungs
are completely filled
32
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:55,199
with Owens Corning
fiberglass insulation.
33
00:01:55,268 --> 00:01:57,166
What? Will he be okay?
34
00:01:57,235 --> 00:01:58,932
No, he won't be okay.
35
00:01:59,001 --> 00:02:03,232
One-third of his body
weight is Owens Corning
fiberglass insulation.
36
00:02:03,301 --> 00:02:05,032
(BEEPING)
37
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,465
Well, that's it.
38
00:02:06,534 --> 00:02:08,799
But, don't worry,
he won't burn in hell,
39
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:12,332
thanks to all that
Owens Corning fiberglass
insulation.
40
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:15,632
How about that
magician, huh?
41
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:18,365
Yeah, he's great.
I love magicians.
42
00:02:18,433 --> 00:02:21,331
I don't know why,
but I've always found
magic very sexy.
43
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,099
I'm a magician.
You are?
44
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:24,365
How long have you
been doing magic?
45
00:02:24,434 --> 00:02:25,731
A long time.
46
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:26,765
I used to work
with Doug Henning.
47
00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:27,865
Wow.
48
00:02:27,934 --> 00:02:30,198
Yeah. Want to see
my Doug Henning?
49
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:33,999
Welcome to the wonderful
world of magic.
Hope I don't get AIDS.
50
00:02:34,068 --> 00:02:35,065
(LAUGHING)
51
00:02:35,134 --> 00:02:37,199
Oh, God, that
is so my humor.
52
00:02:37,268 --> 00:02:40,431
You know,
my son's birthday party
is next weekend.
53
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,431
Any chance I can
hire you to do your act?
54
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:43,799
Absolutely!
55
00:02:43,867 --> 00:02:45,932
I think the magic's
starting to happen already.
56
00:02:46,001 --> 00:02:47,398
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
57
00:02:47,466 --> 00:02:49,231
Brian,
this is painful.
58
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:52,099
It's like listening to those
two foreign guys down
at the coffee shop
59
00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:55,465
who've been living
in the US almost long
enough to sound American.
60
00:02:55,533 --> 00:02:59,132
Oh, man, what a good bunch of
partying at that discotheque.
61
00:02:59,201 --> 00:03:00,832
They played one of
my audience requests.
62
00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:01,965
Way awesome.
63
00:03:02,034 --> 00:03:04,531
I myself drank, like,
5 liters of beer.
64
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,099
Any more and I would have
ended up in hospital, man.
65
00:03:07,168 --> 00:03:08,698
(CHUCKLES)
You said it, friend.
66
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:11,798
But I wanted to stay,
'cause I almost had sex
on this girl.
67
00:03:11,868 --> 00:03:16,365
Oh, yeah! But it was
so expensive. Each drink
was, like, six dollars forty.
68
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:24,032
And if I've done
this right, then
this is your card, Stewie.
69
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,966
Really, Brian?
Card tricks?
70
00:03:26,034 --> 00:03:27,966
That's what's gonna
close the deal
with this woman?
71
00:03:28,034 --> 00:03:29,166
Well, yeah. Why not?
72
00:03:29,234 --> 00:03:31,132
You need more than that.
You need an act.
73
00:03:31,201 --> 00:03:33,999
Listen, I'll be your
assistant, and we'll put on
a whole big show.
74
00:03:34,068 --> 00:03:35,898
Really?
Yeah, we'll do
all the great tricks.
75
00:03:35,968 --> 00:03:37,166
You can even
split me in half.
76
00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:38,665
What?
Saw me in half.
77
00:03:38,733 --> 00:03:40,531
Well, I am still
a little shaky on
some of this stuff.
78
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:41,898
I guess I could
use the help.
79
00:03:41,968 --> 00:03:44,798
Great. And we'll get you
a wand, a top hat and a cape.
80
00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:48,066
In fact, you can use
Peter's cape from last
year's Halloween costume.
81
00:03:48,134 --> 00:03:51,899
Hi, Brian.
I'm Count Crotchula,
the bulging vampire.
82
00:03:51,967 --> 00:03:55,432
I'll bite your neck,
but also look how big
I am down there.
83
00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:56,965
That costume
doesn't make any sense.
84
00:03:57,034 --> 00:03:58,932
Don't stifle my creativity!
85
00:03:59,001 --> 00:04:03,098
See that bulge down there,
Brian? What is that?
What is it?
86
00:04:03,166 --> 00:04:06,398
Can't be my pointy teeth,
'cause those are
all the way up here.
87
00:04:06,467 --> 00:04:09,233
I'll let you in
on a little secret.
88
00:04:09,301 --> 00:04:10,932
(WHISPERS) Happy Halloween.
89
00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:16,464
Okay, kids, it's time
for the magic show.
90
00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:20,166
How about a big round
of applause for
The Amazing Brian?
91
00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:21,731
(ALL CHEERING)
92
00:04:22,901 --> 00:04:25,832
I can't believe I agreed
to four costume changes.
93
00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:28,765
Who am I kidding?
I insisted on it.
94
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:33,365
Brian, thanks so much for
doing this. Paul and I are
so excited to see your act.
95
00:04:33,433 --> 00:04:34,965
Oh, thank...
Wait. What?
96
00:04:35,034 --> 00:04:36,498
Paul, my boyfriend.
97
00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:37,766
Paul, this is Brian.
98
00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:39,531
Boyfriend? Oh, come on!
99
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,199
I paid $800
for all this crap!
You have a boyfriend?
100
00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:45,032
Yeah.
And I'm a great guy.
I'm unemployed,
101
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,998
but that makes her
feel useful in the
relationship.
102
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:48,198
I'm gonna fix him.
103
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:50,265
Our relationship will
do fine on that basis.
104
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:52,098
If he had his shit together,
I wouldn't be into it.
105
00:04:54,268 --> 00:04:55,865
But I don't.
God! I am so sick
of this crap!
106
00:04:55,934 --> 00:04:57,199
Is this the show?
107
00:04:57,268 --> 00:05:00,299
You know what?
The hell with both of you!
I'm out of here!
108
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:04,598
Are we doing this
thing or what?
Brian? Brian?
109
00:05:04,667 --> 00:05:06,832
Well, this was a lot of
effort for nothing.
110
00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:10,132
Like trying to tell
Matthew McConaughey
how much he sucks.
111
00:05:10,201 --> 00:05:13,233
You know, Matthew,
I may not ever get
another chance to say this,
112
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:16,199
so I just want to
get this off my chest.
113
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:17,766
You are just awful.
114
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:20,298
You're one of
the worst actors
in the history of film,
115
00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:21,398
(CHUCKLES)
116
00:05:21,467 --> 00:05:23,431
and I think that
you need to go away.
117
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:24,966
Oh, thanks, man.
118
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:27,899
The truth is I spend
at least 90% of
my year going away,
119
00:05:27,968 --> 00:05:30,732
exploring exotic places,
having sex with
my beautiful girlfriend,
120
00:05:30,801 --> 00:05:33,565
just doing sit-ups. I mean,
I really... And then
counting money.
121
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:36,832
Money that I made off the
terrible films that I put out
into the American populace,
122
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:39,899
because they just
love to see me doing
what it is that I do.
123
00:05:39,968 --> 00:05:41,766
Yes, but you're
not hearing me.
124
00:05:41,834 --> 00:05:44,498
Dazed and Confused was
the one thing that was
passable. After that...
125
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:46,899
Thanks, man.
That actually launched
my career.
126
00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:48,999
After that,
everything else was awful.
127
00:05:49,068 --> 00:05:51,199
Contact, they didn't
even need you
in that movie.
128
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,565
They could have done
the whole movie without you.
129
00:05:52,634 --> 00:05:54,565
I know. I said the same thing,
but they were just, like,
130
00:05:54,633 --> 00:05:57,699
"Oh, we need a good-looking
guy with a great ass
and some tight abs
131
00:05:57,767 --> 00:06:00,699
"to just provide some
down-home enthusiasm
in this picture.
132
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,565
"Something to
counterbalance
Jodie Foster."
133
00:06:02,634 --> 00:06:06,199
They took her to be
slightly cold, unapproachable,
do you know?
134
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:08,398
So they put me in there.
I said it didn't
make any sense.
135
00:06:08,467 --> 00:06:11,166
Said the same thing
about that Bill Murray
elephant movie,
136
00:06:11,235 --> 00:06:14,331
but they were just, like,
"Oh, the audiences need you."
137
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,265
You make me physically
sick to my stomach,
138
00:06:16,333 --> 00:06:18,265
and I wish
that you would
get a heart attack.
139
00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:19,531
I totally feel you, man.
140
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,298
Truth of the matter is,
I don't like my movies either,
141
00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:24,233
but, man, they just
keep offering me money,
142
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,133
and I do it,
and then I get to
go around the world.
143
00:06:26,201 --> 00:06:28,099
I mean,
did you see Sahara?
144
00:06:28,168 --> 00:06:30,398
(LAUGHS) I tell you
what the movie gave me
was an opportunity
145
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:32,032
to take an Airstream all
across the country
146
00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:34,331
and sell that picture
one person at a time.
147
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,632
You suck donkey ass.
148
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:37,066
Now you can't prove that.
149
00:06:40,201 --> 00:06:41,731
That was so humiliating!
150
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:44,965
I mean, look at
all the stuff I put myself
through just to get laid.
151
00:06:45,034 --> 00:06:47,832
Don't worry, my friend.
One day you'll find
your soul mate.
152
00:06:47,901 --> 00:06:50,932
The sad thing is,
I already did, years ago.
153
00:06:51,001 --> 00:06:52,431
Tracy Flannigan.
154
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:55,232
She was the greatest girl
I ever met, and I blew it.
155
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:56,298
(YAWNS)
You should look her up.
156
00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:57,398
Am I boring you?
157
00:06:57,466 --> 00:06:59,532
No, it's just... Long day.
158
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:03,332
I suppose I could look her up.
I just wonder if she'd
even want to see me.
159
00:07:03,401 --> 00:07:05,865
I wasn't exactly
the nicest guy in the world.
160
00:07:05,934 --> 00:07:10,365
And then, in high school,
I was violated sexually
by my father.
161
00:07:10,434 --> 00:07:13,298
It happened on numerous
occasions, and I was
too afraid to tell anyone
162
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:16,432
because I felt like
somehow it was my fault.
163
00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:20,598
So, you do go all the way.
164
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:28,765
Well, here goes.
165
00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:32,999
(COUGHING)
166
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,765
Tracy? Tracy Flannigan?
167
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,999
Oh, my God,
Brian Griffin,
is that you?
168
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,865
Yeah, it's me.
169
00:07:44,934 --> 00:07:48,231
And all he wants
is to kiss you
just one more time.
170
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,131
Wow, you sure look...
171
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,131
Different than the
last time I saw you.
172
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,966
Yeah, haircut.
173
00:07:54,034 --> 00:07:56,865
So to get out of here,
I just make a left out
of the driveway
174
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,198
and drive as
fast as I can?
175
00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:02,332
Wait. Brian,
I'm actually glad
you found me.
176
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,132
There's someone
I've wanted you to
meet for a long time.
177
00:08:05,201 --> 00:08:09,098
From the look of those
toenails, I bet it's that
little Lamisil monster.
178
00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,899
Brian, this is Dylan. He's
179
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:13,899
your son.
180
00:08:13,968 --> 00:08:17,732
Oh, no way!
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
181
00:08:23,334 --> 00:08:26,364
Gosh, this is
a lovely home, Tracy.
182
00:08:26,433 --> 00:08:30,632
That's so weird.
It smells like there's a cat,
but I bet there's no cat.
183
00:08:30,701 --> 00:08:33,732
I've wanted you to meet Dylan
for a long time, Brian.
184
00:08:33,801 --> 00:08:36,698
Well, Brian, a son.
How about that?
185
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:40,298
My God, this is more
uncomfortable than the
goodbye in The Wizard of Oz.
186
00:08:40,366 --> 00:08:41,532
Goodbye, Tin Man.
187
00:08:41,601 --> 00:08:43,032
Goodbye, Dorothy.
188
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:44,698
Goodbye, Lion.
189
00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:46,198
Goodbye, Dorothy.
190
00:08:46,266 --> 00:08:49,232
I think I'll miss you
most of all, Scarecrow.
191
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:51,499
Oh, okay.
That's kind of
an odd thing to say.
192
00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:53,965
Yeah, sort of a weird comment
right in front of all of us.
193
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,232
Kind of thought
this was a team effort.
Yeah, yeah.
194
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,765
Really, really glad
I risked my life
and everything.
195
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:01,665
Yeah, you're, like,
five minutes from gone
and you leave with that?
196
00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:03,665
Yeah.
You know,
it's like cutting a huge fart
197
00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:05,132
and then walking
out of the room.
198
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,298
And that's how
we'll remember you,
as a big fart.
199
00:09:08,366 --> 00:09:10,065
Goodbye, big fart.
200
00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:16,331
So, Dylan, shouldn't
you be in school?
201
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,431
I don't know.
202
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,298
It's Wednesday.
Up yours!
203
00:09:19,366 --> 00:09:21,331
Nice kid. Say, Brian,
now that I think about it,
204
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:24,032
how can you possibly
have a 13-year-old son
205
00:09:24,101 --> 00:09:25,732
when you yourself
are only seven?
206
00:09:25,801 --> 00:09:27,032
Well, those are dog years.
207
00:09:27,101 --> 00:09:28,298
That doesn't
make any sense.
208
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:29,565
You know what, Stewie?
If you don't like it,
209
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,066
go on the Internet
and complain.
210
00:09:34,868 --> 00:09:36,865
It was awful.
That kid was
a complete thug.
211
00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:38,932
I'm telling you,
I couldn't get out
of there fast enough.
212
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,065
Boy, Brian, you dodged
a bullet not having
to raise that kid.
213
00:09:42,134 --> 00:09:43,632
Your life would have
been more miserable
214
00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:46,298
than a lonely
old widow living in
a downstairs apartment.
215
00:09:48,201 --> 00:09:49,199
(SNEEZES)
216
00:09:49,268 --> 00:09:51,999
Quiet! Keep it
down up there!
217
00:09:52,068 --> 00:09:55,432
What did I just say?
I'm calling the police!
218
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:56,931
I don't know, Brian.
219
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,198
Don't you think
you have a responsibility
to your son?
220
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:02,265
I... Lois,
I didn't even know
I had a son until today.
221
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:04,866
And, besides, it's not like
Tracy ever asked for my help.
222
00:10:04,934 --> 00:10:06,699
Yeah, it seemed like
they're all set without you.
223
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:11,364
She's done a fine job
creating a child-friendly
environment...
224
00:10:11,433 --> 00:10:13,732
(SPOUTS GIBBERISH)
225
00:10:14,967 --> 00:10:16,932
(SPUTTERING)
226
00:10:17,001 --> 00:10:18,465
STEWIE: Great parenting.
227
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:21,766
I don't know, Brian.
Raising a child is a very
rewarding experience.
228
00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:24,065
You know what else
is rewarding, Lois?
Shutting your vag.
229
00:10:24,134 --> 00:10:25,132
What?
What?
230
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,366
(DOORBELL RINGING)
231
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,032
Dylan! What are
you doing here?
232
00:10:30,101 --> 00:10:31,999
My mom wanted me
to give you this.
233
00:10:32,068 --> 00:10:36,099
"To Brian, from Tracy.
He's your problem now.
234
00:10:36,168 --> 00:10:38,665
"PS. Will you write me
a letter of recommendation
235
00:10:38,734 --> 00:10:40,732
"for the University
of Phoenix?"
236
00:10:40,801 --> 00:10:43,099
No. No, I'm not gonna put
myself on the line like that.
237
00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:44,732
But, Dylan, my God!
238
00:10:44,801 --> 00:10:48,332
Everybody, this handsome,
muscular boy is
Brian's son, Dylan.
239
00:10:48,401 --> 00:10:50,332
Dylan is gonna be
staying with us
for a while.
240
00:10:50,401 --> 00:10:52,332
Dylan, it's so
nice to meet you.
241
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,432
Shut up, bitch!
242
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,331
Oh! He got you, Lois.
243
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,232
No, no, no! Tracy can't
do this. She can't
just leave him here.
244
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:02,132
Well, we can't just
turn him away, Brian.
After all, he is family.
245
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:04,465
I don't know.
Where's he gonna sleep?
246
00:11:04,534 --> 00:11:08,264
He could sleep
in Stewie's room.
Would you like that, sweetie?
247
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:11,166
No, my pants just got shorter
'cause I hated the idea.
248
00:11:14,233 --> 00:11:17,632
And this is Chris.
Chris, this is my son, Dylan.
249
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:18,698
Hi, Dylan.
250
00:11:18,768 --> 00:11:20,766
All this stuff
in here is mine now.
251
00:11:20,834 --> 00:11:25,099
Oh. Well, okay,
but be careful
opening the closet,
252
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:27,132
'cause that's where
the evil monkey lives.
253
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:38,232
Yay! I haven't been
in my closet for years!
254
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,898
Boy, there is
a lot of feces in here.
255
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:47,998
Something on
your mind, son?
256
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:50,332
Shut up, dude.
You're just a fat
old bastard.
257
00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:53,865
Well, not to get
technical, sir, but
you are the bastard.
258
00:11:53,934 --> 00:11:55,732
(LAUGHING)
259
00:11:55,801 --> 00:11:57,598
(PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)
260
00:12:10,167 --> 00:12:15,565
I hate you all! I didn't ask
to be born. If I had a gun,
I would kill you all!
261
00:12:15,633 --> 00:12:16,866
Did you hear that, Lois?
262
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:18,866
Now we know
what to get him
for Christmas.
263
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:21,665
I love the holidays.
264
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:24,132
Brian, you have got
to get Dylan under control.
265
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,932
He's terrorizing
the whole family.
266
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,399
Yeah, you wouldn't believe
what he did to Meg yesterday.
267
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:32,098
He made her watch
the other 178 hours
of Monty Python stuff
268
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:34,165
that isn't funny
or memorable.
269
00:12:34,234 --> 00:12:38,032
MAN ON TV: I have a pet
hedgehog named Zippy,
and I shall walk her to town,
270
00:12:38,101 --> 00:12:43,265
and each time my foot hits
the ground, I shall say,
"Boing, boing, boing."
271
00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:47,398
I'm a girl! I don't
even like the good
Monty Python sketches.
272
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,465
Don't worry, I got it
under control, Lois.
273
00:12:49,533 --> 00:12:51,065
I'm monitoring Dylan from here
on Stewie's baby monitor.
274
00:12:52,533 --> 00:12:54,865
STEWIE: Hey, Dylan.
Hey, come on in
here for a sec.
275
00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:56,631
Stewie,
why are you nude?
276
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:58,799
Oh, just a little
something I do once
a week around here
277
00:12:58,867 --> 00:13:00,832
called a naked tea party.
278
00:13:00,901 --> 00:13:04,866
Got my teacup here.
Now all I need is a tea bag.
279
00:13:04,934 --> 00:13:06,565
That's something
that interests you,
my friend?
280
00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:08,798
DYLAN: You're weird.
Yeah, and you're attractive.
281
00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:10,132
Now take your
fucking pants off!
282
00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,333
DYLAN: I'm out of here.
283
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,099
STEWIE: Did you
see that, Rupert?
284
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:19,765
How to Lose a Guy in
10 Seconds, starring
Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
285
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,798
Hey, Lois, is the
air conditioning on?
286
00:13:26,867 --> 00:13:28,965
I just woke up from
a nap and I feel drafty.
287
00:13:29,034 --> 00:13:30,831
Peter, we don't
have air conditioning.
288
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:33,231
Well, that's awful peculiar.
289
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,465
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Peter, look.
290
00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:39,932
Oh, damn it, Dylan.
What the hell? Well, thank
God I'm full of Play-Doh.
291
00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,098
(GRUNTING)
292
00:13:45,667 --> 00:13:47,331
There we are.
293
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,464
That's it. I'm telling
Brian he has to rein
Dylan in once and for all.
294
00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:51,965
Hey, where is
Brian, anyway?
295
00:13:52,034 --> 00:13:54,032
(FRANTIC BARKING)
296
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:00,632
Oh, thanks, Lois.
297
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:02,432
Dylan put this
paper bag on my head
298
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:05,165
and I could not,
for the life of me,
figure out how to get it off.
299
00:14:05,234 --> 00:14:06,498
That kid's a sociopath.
300
00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,632
Well, it's time you
laid down the law with him.
301
00:14:08,701 --> 00:14:10,032
I couldn't agree more.
302
00:14:10,101 --> 00:14:11,465
I am gonna kick him
out of this house
303
00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:12,766
faster than NASA kicked out
the Cocoa Puffs bird.
304
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:18,365
Okay, your physical exam
was within range.
305
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:19,998
You aced the
flight simulator.
306
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,298
I guess all that's left is
the psychological screening.
307
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,431
Okay.
How do you feel about this?
308
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,765
Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs.
No, that's not me anymore.
309
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:27,865
I'm just here to fly, sir.
310
00:14:31,433 --> 00:14:33,632
All right, Dylan.
You know what?
This isn't working out.
311
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:36,865
All right? I don't care
that I'm your father and you
don't care that you're my son.
312
00:14:36,934 --> 00:14:38,598
We don't have
anything in common.
313
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,698
I think it's best
if you just get
out of this house.
314
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,832
Fine. I hate it here anyhow.
Get out of my way.
315
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:45,999
My pot!
My pot!
316
00:14:46,068 --> 00:14:47,899
Your pot?
Your pot?
317
00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:51,632
And then in Chapter 28
of my novel,
318
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:54,532
the other pilots
finally trust the
Japanese pilot
319
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:59,365
and let him...
Let him into their group.
320
00:14:59,434 --> 00:15:01,932
Dude, that is
an amazing story.
321
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,966
Hey, what if there
were Korean pilots?
322
00:15:06,034 --> 00:15:07,899
Yeah. I'm not really
looking for notes,
323
00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:11,065
but you know, Dylan,
I gotta tell you something.
324
00:15:11,134 --> 00:15:13,598
I'm sorry I wasn't around
when you were growing up.
325
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:16,032
Don't. Just don't.
326
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,532
If I had known
having a son
could be like this...
327
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,333
How dare you?
I didn't know!
328
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,099
You have no right, man.
No right.
329
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:24,365
It wasn't my fault.
(CRYING) You weren't
there for me.
330
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:27,165
Damn it, don't you
think I wanted to be?
331
00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:28,598
(BOTH CRYING)
332
00:15:30,101 --> 00:15:31,665
(SHUSHING)
333
00:15:31,734 --> 00:15:33,665
It's okay.
It's okay.
334
00:15:33,734 --> 00:15:37,532
Look, I know I wasn't
there for you, man,
for all those years,
335
00:15:37,601 --> 00:15:40,099
but that's gonna change.
336
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:41,699
It's gonna be
different from now on.
337
00:15:41,768 --> 00:15:43,866
And I'm gonna make you
into a better person,
338
00:15:43,934 --> 00:15:45,798
starting first
thing tomorrow.
339
00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:49,299
Just passing through.
See anything you
like, speak up.
340
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,398
Hey, there, everybody.
341
00:15:57,467 --> 00:16:00,732
Was somebody looking
for a son with a bright
new path to adulthood
342
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:03,231
and his very,
very proud dad?
343
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:06,965
Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut.
Aren't you handsome?
344
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:09,965
From now on,
I plan on being
a real father to Dylan,
345
00:16:10,034 --> 00:16:12,565
and together,
we are gonna turn
his life around.
346
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:14,365
Right, champ?
You said it, Dad.
347
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:16,665
All right!
You ready for school?
Yeah.
348
00:16:16,734 --> 00:16:17,932
Hey, can I drive today?
349
00:16:18,001 --> 00:16:20,164
This kid! He's only 13.
350
00:16:20,233 --> 00:16:21,732
I know. I was just kidding.
351
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,032
(EXCLAIMS)
352
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:26,932
We got a young Adam Sandler
here, I think. Right?
353
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,499
Right?
Yes.
354
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,299
Bye, Mom.
Bye!
355
00:16:35,368 --> 00:16:37,499
All right, kids.
Have a good
day at school.
356
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:41,865
Hey, Dylan.
Have a great
day at school.
357
00:16:41,933 --> 00:16:44,098
Thanks, Dad.
Hey. Knock, knock.
358
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,198
Who's there?
359
00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:46,565
You're there.
360
00:16:46,634 --> 00:16:48,431
I'll always be
there, Dylan.
361
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:49,831
Hey. Knock, knock.
362
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:50,932
Who's there?
363
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:52,565
Danny Zuko.
364
00:16:52,634 --> 00:16:55,899
(LAUGHS) Come on!
The audition's not
till 3:00. Don't jinx it.
365
00:16:56,801 --> 00:16:58,231
You know, Brian,
366
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,298
Dylan could have just
carpooled with me
and the kids.
367
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:04,832
Oh, Lois, Dylan is
very special to me and...
368
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,432
Well, didn't you just
get a ticket for
running a red light?
369
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,398
Yeah, like,
six years ago.
370
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:11,565
And I got that ticket
because I got distracted
371
00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:14,732
'cause you were leaning
out the window,
barking at a cow.
372
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,932
So you admit you
ran the red light?
373
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,165
Fuck you.
374
00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:21,532
Whoa! Not the kind of language
I want Dylan exposed to.
375
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:23,365
Have fun with your dead kids,
reckless driver.
376
00:17:31,201 --> 00:17:33,465
MAN ON TV: Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art.
377
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:35,932
Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art.
378
00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:38,565
Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art.
379
00:17:38,634 --> 00:17:40,032
Hi! I'm Al Harrington
380
00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:41,598
of Al Harrington's
Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,
381
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:43,632
Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.
382
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:45,598
As an unwanted result
of a recent lawsuit,
383
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,364
I am now in possession
of hundreds of pallets
384
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:50,332
of crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art,
385
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,498
and it's just waiting to
transform your uncut,
trash-strewn lawn
386
00:17:53,567 --> 00:17:55,965
into a living canvas
that tells passersby,
387
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:58,832
"Hey, everyone,
a real funny bugger
lives here."
388
00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:01,966
Your neighbors will chuckle
warmly, and motorists
will slow down and applaud
389
00:18:02,034 --> 00:18:04,065
when they cast their eyes
on such favorites as
390
00:18:04,134 --> 00:18:05,665
Sort-of Ben and
Jerry's-Looking Cow,
391
00:18:05,733 --> 00:18:07,799
Black Silhouetted Cowboy
Leaning on Barn,
392
00:18:07,867 --> 00:18:09,265
and everybody's favorite,
393
00:18:09,334 --> 00:18:10,965
Fat Woman Bending Over
Tending to Her Garden
394
00:18:11,034 --> 00:18:12,732
in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers.
395
00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:15,465
Most of this stuff
is priced to move,
and until it does,
396
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:16,965
it's an enormous fire hazard,
397
00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:19,232
so please come see me,
on Route 2 in Weekapaug.
398
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,732
Look for the
Sort-of Ben and
Jerry's Cow out front!
399
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,865
We interrupt this program
to bring you grim news
400
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:25,465
out of LaGuardia Airport,
401
00:18:25,534 --> 00:18:28,432
where a 767 has been forced
to make a crash landing.
402
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,665
Oh, man, I tell you,
now that I'm a parent, I can't
even watch stories like that.
403
00:18:32,068 --> 00:18:33,999
I just think, you know,
I just think,
404
00:18:34,067 --> 00:18:36,432
"Oh, my God,
what if Dylan were
on that plane?"
405
00:18:36,501 --> 00:18:38,399
Oh, my God,
I just don't know
what I would do.
406
00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:39,565
I don't know
what I would do.
407
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:41,565
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
That'd be tough.
408
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:44,266
Oh, no. Oh, no.
No, no. No, no, no.
Quagmire, no.
409
00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:48,099
You do not understand.
Until you have a child...
410
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:52,232
Until you have a child,
you do not understand.
411
00:18:52,301 --> 00:18:53,732
Okay?
Jesus.
412
00:18:53,801 --> 00:18:55,932
It's been like
this all week.
Watch this.
413
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:58,699
Hey, Brian, what would you do
if Dylan fell out a window?
414
00:18:58,768 --> 00:19:01,032
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
I don't even want to
think about that.
415
00:19:01,101 --> 00:19:03,965
I don't even want to
think about that. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
416
00:19:04,034 --> 00:19:05,865
Brian, what would you do
if Dylan was in a fire?
417
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:07,899
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
418
00:19:07,967 --> 00:19:10,598
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no.
Knock on wood, knock
on wood, knock on wood.
419
00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:12,166
Now, look, Brian,
there's a difference
420
00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:15,098
between being concerned
and being overprotective.
421
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:19,798
Now that's a dad talking.
That is a dad talking,
Quagmire.
422
00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:21,798
You're right.
You can't hold
your kids back.
423
00:19:21,868 --> 00:19:26,631
It's like I say, you have to
give your kids both
roots and wings.
424
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:29,765
Brian, I wanna punch you
in the dick right now.
425
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:32,266
CELL PHONE RINGER:
♪ And the cat's in the cradle
and the silver spoon... ♪
426
00:19:32,333 --> 00:19:37,133
Oh, that's Dylan's ring.
Hey, bud, everything
all right?
427
00:19:37,201 --> 00:19:41,133
Really? Well,
how many library
assistants did they pick?
428
00:19:42,533 --> 00:19:46,032
One of four.
429
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:50,532
Well, you know what?
Extra, extra,
read all about it.
430
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:53,132
Ice cream for
Dylan tonight.
431
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,198
Peter, your dog is
giving me diabetes.
432
00:19:56,267 --> 00:20:00,298
I'm telling you, Joe,
he's as annoying as
mosquitoes in the summertime.
433
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:04,765
Can I come in there with you?
There's light in there.
434
00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:05,965
No. Go away.
435
00:20:06,034 --> 00:20:08,066
Can I please come in?
436
00:20:08,134 --> 00:20:10,799
You have juice,
and I want to sit in it.
437
00:20:10,867 --> 00:20:12,398
Shoo! Get lost.
438
00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:16,164
Hi, Dad.
Chris, close the door,
there's a...
439
00:20:16,233 --> 00:20:18,665
Oh, it's much
nicer in here.
440
00:20:18,734 --> 00:20:20,665
I'm gonna float
around for a while,
441
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:25,032
then stick my needle
in your shoulder fat
while you sleep.
442
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,398
I tell you, I wish that
old hag of Brian's had never
even told him he had a kid.
443
00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:30,932
Well, wait a minute, Peter.
Maybe that's the answer.
444
00:20:31,001 --> 00:20:32,765
You just got to
get his mother
to take him back.
445
00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:34,331
How the hell am I
supposed to do that?
446
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,032
She's an idiot
redneck, Peter.
447
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:39,299
Tricking her should be
easier than escaping
from Canadian Alcatraz.
448
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,632
Can I go out through here?
449
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,998
Just be back by bedtime.
Okay.
450
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:50,898
Lunch is ready, everyone.
451
00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:52,599
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Lois, Lois. This is...
452
00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:54,432
This is white bread.
Yeah. So?
453
00:20:54,501 --> 00:20:56,332
Well, don't we have
any of that whole-grain stuff?
454
00:20:56,401 --> 00:20:57,999
No. This was cheaper.
455
00:20:58,067 --> 00:21:00,565
I just... I just...
I don't want Dylan
eating white bread.
456
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:03,165
Brian, there's nothing wrong
with it. Our kids eat...
457
00:21:03,234 --> 00:21:06,265
(SOFTLY) Lois, Lois,
I do not want Dylan
eating white bread.
458
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:08,265
Brian, I promise you,
it's fine.
459
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,431
Lois. Lois, Lois.
460
00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:11,831
I will decide what is best
for my child, all right?
461
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:13,365
Look, will you
take it easy?
462
00:21:13,434 --> 00:21:17,232
And, and, I do not want to
have this conversation
in front of my son.
463
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:20,732
Okay, you know what?
That's it, Brian. Feed him
whatever you want.
464
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,898
Tell you what.
Go up to my jewelry box,
465
00:21:22,967 --> 00:21:26,765
take my gold jewelry,
melt it down, make it into
bread and feed him that.
466
00:21:26,834 --> 00:21:30,532
That good enough?
Gold bread good enough
for your Dylan?
467
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,232
Hey, everybody!
Look who's back
to pick up her son.
468
00:21:34,301 --> 00:21:36,198
This isn't
The Price Is Right.
469
00:21:36,267 --> 00:21:38,732
You said we were going
to The Price Is Right.
470
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:40,065
Peter, what
the hell is this?
471
00:21:40,134 --> 00:21:41,599
Mom, what are
you doing here?
472
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:45,799
Tracy wants Dylan back.
Don't you want
Dylan back, Tracy?
473
00:21:45,868 --> 00:21:49,366
What a joyous family reunion.
Isn't this great, Brian?
474
00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:50,999
Now Dylan can go
back with his mom,
475
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:53,232
and you can stop acting
like such a jackass.
476
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:54,965
So that's what this
is all about, huh?
477
00:21:55,034 --> 00:21:58,832
I must say, you have
been a little insufferable
lately, Brian.
478
00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:01,131
We just want the
old you back, that's all.
479
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:05,198
Look. All right. Okay,
maybe I have been acting
different lately, all right?
480
00:22:05,266 --> 00:22:07,364
But that's only because
I've truly connected
481
00:22:07,433 --> 00:22:10,765
with the one bit of flesh
and blood that I have
on this earth.
482
00:22:10,834 --> 00:22:13,899
And I have no intention
of giving that up.
483
00:22:13,968 --> 00:22:15,331
Who wants a half and half?
484
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,164
I'll throw my hat
into that ring.
485
00:22:17,233 --> 00:22:20,432
Wait a minute, Dad.
I think maybe I
should go with her.
486
00:22:20,501 --> 00:22:22,532
What? Dylan, why?
487
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,932
Look at her.
She needs me,
a lot more than you do.
488
00:22:26,001 --> 00:22:28,865
But we were just starting
to make a real connection.
489
00:22:28,934 --> 00:22:32,631
Listen, I'll always be
grateful to you for
turning my life around,
490
00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:34,266
but now, thanks to you,
491
00:22:34,333 --> 00:22:36,899
I finally have a chance
to transform my mom's life
492
00:22:36,967 --> 00:22:39,732
in the same way
you transformed mine.
493
00:22:39,801 --> 00:22:43,965
Wow. You know, I guess
a dad couldn't ask
for more than that.
494
00:22:44,934 --> 00:22:46,765
I'm proud of you, Dylan.
495
00:22:46,834 --> 00:22:49,899
My life will never be
the same for knowing you.
496
00:22:49,967 --> 00:22:52,365
Goodbye and good luck.
497
00:22:52,434 --> 00:22:53,732
Goodbye, Dad.
498
00:22:56,300 --> 00:22:58,198
Come on, Mom. Let's go.
499
00:22:59,234 --> 00:23:00,832
Bye. Thanks for coming.
500
00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:08,032
I'm gonna miss that boy.
501
00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:12,832
You know, I just finally
figured it out. She looks
like a really hot Tim Russert.
502
00:23:12,901 --> 00:23:15,298
Right? Right?
Yes.