1
00:00:03,368 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,633 --> 00:00:37,298
You guys are gonna
love this spa.
11
00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:38,932
They give the best massages.
12
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,832
Your whole bodies will
feel like Joe's legs.
13
00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:41,965
Wow.
14
00:00:42,034 --> 00:00:43,732
That would be nice,
for a short period.
15
00:00:43,801 --> 00:00:45,665
I tell you, I need this.
I've had a really
stressful morning.
16
00:00:47,234 --> 00:00:48,432
Wait a minute, Doc.
17
00:00:48,501 --> 00:00:51,499
Are you telling me
that it's 8:25?
18
00:00:51,567 --> 00:00:52,565
MAN: Precisely!
19
00:00:52,634 --> 00:00:55,632
Damn. I'm late for school.
20
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:59,598
♪ Don't need money
Don't take fame
21
00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:03,164
♪ Don't need no credit card
to ride this train
22
00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:07,198
♪ It's strong and it's sudden
And it's cruel sometimes
23
00:01:07,266 --> 00:01:11,765
♪ But it might
just save your life... ♪
24
00:01:11,834 --> 00:01:15,099
♪ That's the power of love ♪
25
00:01:15,168 --> 00:01:18,132
Okay, why don't you just
get yourself settled up
on the table?
26
00:01:18,201 --> 00:01:19,531
I'll give you
a minute.
27
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,266
What am I supposed...
28
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:29,565
You ready in there?
29
00:01:29,634 --> 00:01:30,698
Yeah.
30
00:01:32,101 --> 00:01:33,265
(MAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
31
00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:36,199
You put some fake poo
on the floor... Oh, no!
32
00:01:36,267 --> 00:01:38,198
Get out! Get out! Scat!
33
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,332
This is more like it.
34
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:48,032
♪ Oh, my love... ♪
35
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:49,098
(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING)
36
00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:50,265
Is the music okay?
37
00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:53,632
Actually, would you mind
tuning it to 97.1?
38
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:56,332
ANNOUNCER: You're listening
to "The Quiet Storm."
39
00:01:56,401 --> 00:02:00,299
Up next, the music
of the Isleys,
Teddy Pendergrass,
40
00:02:00,368 --> 00:02:03,232
and right now,
here's some Marvin Gaye.
41
00:02:03,301 --> 00:02:05,399
That's what
I'm talking about.
42
00:02:06,434 --> 00:02:09,732
Oh, this is long overdue.
43
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,665
There's nothing like
a good suit massage.
44
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:16,465
Focus on the lapels,
that's where I carry
most of my stress.
45
00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:19,498
Okay, here's one.
If you were gay
46
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:20,699
and you had to have sex
47
00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:23,298
with either John Forsythe
or Sean Connery,
48
00:02:23,366 --> 00:02:24,431
who would it be?
49
00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:26,264
That's easy.
John Forsythe.
50
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:27,431
Yeah, John Forsythe.
51
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:28,631
John Forsythe, absolutely.
52
00:02:28,701 --> 00:02:30,498
That's so funny.
I would also say
John Forsythe.
53
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:31,732
I was just curious.
54
00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:34,631
Yeah, I mean
Sean Connery
is just so...
55
00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:35,699
Uh-oh.
56
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:38,132
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
57
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,732
It's too late,
the damage is done.
58
00:02:44,734 --> 00:02:46,364
Hey, Chris, you know
what I just got?
59
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:49,232
The box set of
Lord of the Rings.
It's awesome.
60
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:52,665
Yeah, but you remember
the giant eagle they
rode in the first one
61
00:02:52,733 --> 00:02:54,799
that then rescues
them at the end
of the third one?
62
00:02:54,867 --> 00:02:56,232
Yeah, yeah.
63
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,266
Yeah, why didn't
they just fly the
eagle to Mordor
64
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:01,298
instead of spending
three movies
walking there?
65
00:03:01,366 --> 00:03:04,166
That's not what
it's about, Chris.
It's about the quest.
66
00:03:04,235 --> 00:03:05,498
Well, I'm not arguing
that with you,
67
00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:07,132
I'm just saying
there's a hole
in the story.
68
00:03:07,201 --> 00:03:08,199
Did you like the movie?
69
00:03:08,268 --> 00:03:09,299
Well, that's
not the point.
70
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:10,899
Did you like the movie?
71
00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:12,866
Well, of course,
I loved the movie, but,
look, I'm no writer,
72
00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:16,199
but if a fat kid
like me with one
finger up his nose
73
00:03:16,268 --> 00:03:18,798
is bumped by it,
you'd think someone
would've caught it.
74
00:03:18,868 --> 00:03:20,465
So, you didn't
like the eagle.
75
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:23,498
Well, no, I did.
The eagle was majestic
and beautiful,
76
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:27,899
but sometimes you have
to sacrifice spectacle
for a coherent storyline.
77
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:31,866
Have you ever
seen Krull?
No.
78
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:33,765
Yeah, you don't
need to see Krull.
79
00:03:33,834 --> 00:03:36,798
All right, guys,
the best thing you can do
for your body after a massage
80
00:03:36,867 --> 00:03:39,365
is hot coffee, alcohol
and Slim Jims.
81
00:03:39,433 --> 00:03:41,231
Oh, Dad, I'm glad
you're here.
82
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,365
There's something
I need to ask you.
83
00:03:43,433 --> 00:03:45,331
What is it, Chris?
84
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,066
Well, today,
in gym class,
85
00:03:47,134 --> 00:03:50,132
I noticed one of
my testicles went up
inside my body
86
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,598
and it hasn't
come back out yet,
87
00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:54,166
and I'm a little scared.
88
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,198
Sir, this employee
just made a sexual
remark to me.
89
00:03:57,267 --> 00:03:59,598
No, Dad,
I'm really worried.
90
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,465
See? Look.
Is that normal?
91
00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:05,265
Sir, sir! Your employee
is exposing himself to me!
92
00:04:05,334 --> 00:04:06,332
But, Dad...
93
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,798
You got a lawsuit
on your hands, mister.
94
00:04:07,867 --> 00:04:09,498
Whoa, whoa!
Okay, look, look.
95
00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:11,565
If you'd be willing
to forget this whole
thing happened,
96
00:04:11,634 --> 00:04:13,632
I'll give you
this gas card.
97
00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:16,399
Unlimited free gas
for a year?
98
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:17,899
Just 'cause I threatened
to sue you?
99
00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:20,399
Well, that, and you're not
the worst-looking guy
100
00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:21,498
who's ever come in here.
101
00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:23,998
That's what
I wanted to hear.
102
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,464
Wow, Peter,
a free gas card.
103
00:04:30,533 --> 00:04:32,132
This could save us
a lot of money.
104
00:04:32,201 --> 00:04:34,631
Yeah, everyone except Brian,
'cause he bought a Prius.
105
00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:36,266
What a dumbass!
106
00:04:36,333 --> 00:04:37,731
(ALL LAUGHING)
107
00:04:37,801 --> 00:04:39,564
What? What? What'd I miss?
Are we laughing at Brian?
108
00:04:39,634 --> 00:04:42,399
(LAUGHS)
Brian, you suck.
109
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:43,899
What the devil
is in here?
110
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:45,899
I threw out all your
apple juice, Stewie.
111
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,398
We're a gas family now.
112
00:04:47,466 --> 00:04:49,732
You put gasoline
in Stewie's bottle?
113
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,899
You damn fool!
You're more useless
than Aquaman.
114
00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:53,965
(PANTING)
115
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:57,465
Help! Somebody help! Rape!
116
00:04:57,534 --> 00:05:00,032
Scream all you want,
nobody can hear you out here.
117
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,165
I can!
118
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,665
Aquaman, help!
119
00:05:02,734 --> 00:05:05,199
Hey, hey, hey,
let her go!
120
00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:06,366
Or what?
121
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:08,832
Or... I don't know, man,
122
00:05:08,901 --> 00:05:12,966
but you're lucky
you're not doing that
over here in the ocean.
123
00:05:13,034 --> 00:05:15,265
Or else...
Or I would stop you.
124
00:05:15,334 --> 00:05:18,432
For God sakes, help!
Do something!
125
00:05:19,701 --> 00:05:21,232
If you don't
like starfish,
126
00:05:21,301 --> 00:05:23,099
you're gonna be mad
about what I just did!
127
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:25,165
Oh! God, help!
128
00:05:25,234 --> 00:05:26,765
You're in for
it now, buddy!
129
00:05:26,834 --> 00:05:29,299
I got, like,
five fish coming to help.
130
00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:30,865
Here they are!
131
00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:32,965
Help! He's hurting me!
132
00:05:33,034 --> 00:05:35,498
Well, maybe you shouldn't
have led him on.
133
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:41,298
Peter, what the
hell is that?
134
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:43,132
It's a space
shuttle, Lois.
135
00:05:43,201 --> 00:05:46,665
I figured, with unlimited
free gas, I can finally
afford to go into space.
136
00:05:46,734 --> 00:05:48,465
Why is it every time
I open this door,
137
00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:50,532
you seem to be in
some ridiculous vehicle
138
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,298
you've inexplicably
acquired?
139
00:05:52,366 --> 00:05:54,565
I got this at a NASA auction
for next to nothing.
140
00:05:54,634 --> 00:05:56,065
They were gonna scrap it
141
00:05:56,134 --> 00:05:57,465
'cause of some minor
mechanical problems
or something.
142
00:05:57,534 --> 00:05:59,599
Instead, they sold it to me.
Very simple explanation.
143
00:05:59,667 --> 00:06:01,698
I do not want you
trying to fly that thing.
144
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,531
You're not even
a trained astronaut.
145
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,632
Relax, Lois.
Nothing bad ever happens
to space shuttles.
146
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:07,999
Now stand back.
147
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:13,832
(ROCKET ROARING)
148
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:15,265
(PETER GIGGLING)
149
00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,499
I'm back from
space, everybody.
150
00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:24,032
You got lucky, Peter.
151
00:06:24,101 --> 00:06:25,232
How was it, Dad?
152
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:26,799
Mind-boggling, Chris.
153
00:06:26,868 --> 00:06:29,232
Barreling around the Earth
at 5 miles per second,
154
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:31,565
watching the sun rise
over the Sea of Japan.
155
00:06:31,634 --> 00:06:33,266
It's indescribable.
156
00:06:33,334 --> 00:06:36,199
Plus, I had lots of time
to masturbate, which,
in space, is great,
157
00:06:36,268 --> 00:06:38,665
except after a while
it's like living
in a snow globe.
158
00:06:38,733 --> 00:06:42,299
Peter, instead of wasting
your free gas on a series
of comedic stunts,
159
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,565
why don't you use it
more constructively?
160
00:06:44,633 --> 00:06:46,665
I mean, we could take
a family vacation.
161
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:48,332
Yeah, that's
a great idea, Mom.
162
00:06:48,401 --> 00:06:50,332
Hey, maybe we can go
to the island from Lost.
163
00:06:50,401 --> 00:06:52,132
No, I don't want to
listen to Matthew Fox's
heavy breathing.
164
00:06:53,734 --> 00:06:55,032
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
165
00:06:55,101 --> 00:06:59,432
Kate. You don't get it.
We are the island.
166
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,798
Hand me that paper bag.
167
00:07:06,867 --> 00:07:09,132
Jack, that's got
my poop in it.
168
00:07:09,201 --> 00:07:11,699
I know, I know.
169
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:13,699
It's got a hint
of coconut in it.
170
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,298
And something else...
171
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:16,398
But that's part
of the mystery.
172
00:07:22,867 --> 00:07:24,832
Everybody up,
we're going on vacation.
173
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:26,631
Car leaves
at 6:00 a.m. sharp.
174
00:07:31,567 --> 00:07:32,731
(SCREAMS)
175
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,565
Fuck! You blow that
fucking horn again,
176
00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:39,698
I swear to God I will
ram that fucking thing
up your goddamn ass!
177
00:07:40,801 --> 00:07:43,166
All aboard for
the Grand Canyon.
178
00:07:46,134 --> 00:07:47,966
(YAWNING)
179
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,631
I know you're
tired, Stewie,
180
00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:52,198
but you can sleep
all you want in the car.
181
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,199
(GROANS) 6:00 a.m.
182
00:07:54,267 --> 00:07:57,431
I shouldn't have
stayed up all night
listening to Persian radio.
183
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:00,498
ANNOUNCER: Hey,
that was Roxette with
You've Got the Look.
184
00:08:00,566 --> 00:08:06,199
It's 21:00 and still
27 centigrade out there.
That's hot!
185
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:08,798
So, if you're cruising
along the left side
of the road
186
00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:12,233
at 120 kilometers per hour
in the Schechevi Desert,
187
00:08:12,301 --> 00:08:14,032
turn up the decibels,
188
00:08:14,101 --> 00:08:19,732
'cause it's Cheb Mami
with Zechechmelech
on 103.2, the Hoch!
189
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:22,798
What's with
all those birds?
190
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:24,333
My tropical
bird collection.
191
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,333
Just in case.
Just in case what?
192
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,899
We're not gonna need
a dozen tropical birds.
193
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:31,531
Oh, I was not aware
that you could see
the future, Lois.
194
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,765
Can I go ahead
and get tomorrow's
lottery number?
195
00:08:33,834 --> 00:08:35,231
Stupid woman.
196
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:38,165
Peter, you are not
putting those birds
in the car!
197
00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:40,499
Well, then I guess
we're not going on vacation.
198
00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:44,231
(YAWNS) Good.
Then I'm going
back to bed.
199
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,832
All right, Peter,
you can bring
the stupid birds.
200
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,799
(CHEERING) You're letting
me be myself!
201
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:52,265
All right, everybody,
let's go!
202
00:08:52,334 --> 00:08:53,999
All right, everybody,
off we go.
203
00:08:54,068 --> 00:08:55,565
We are gonna have
such a great time.
204
00:08:55,633 --> 00:08:57,032
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
205
00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:58,465
QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter,
what's up?
206
00:08:58,533 --> 00:09:00,732
Hey, Quagmire.
Just taking the
family on vacation.
207
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,266
That's good.
Hang on a second.
208
00:09:02,335 --> 00:09:04,598
I'm stuck behind some
fatass driving too slow.
209
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:05,865
Come on, stupid,
move it!
210
00:09:05,934 --> 00:09:07,432
(CAR HORN HONKING)
211
00:09:07,501 --> 00:09:09,598
Hang on, Quagmire.
Some jerk behind me
is honking his horn.
212
00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:11,331
You should totally
flip him off.
213
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,331
Hang on a sec,
some fatass just
flipped me off.
214
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:14,565
Hey, up yours, you jerk!
215
00:09:14,633 --> 00:09:15,765
(HONKS HORN)
216
00:09:15,833 --> 00:09:17,398
Hang on, Quagmire,
I gotta kick
this guy's ass.
217
00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:18,698
Yeah, I gotta kick
this guy's ass.
218
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,032
Hey, I'll call you
back after the fight.
219
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,231
Yeah, me, too.
220
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,965
Good luck in yours.
Good luck in yours.
221
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:34,798
(YAWNS)
222
00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:36,765
Lois? I'm awake, Lois.
223
00:09:37,401 --> 00:09:38,399
Lois!
224
00:09:39,434 --> 00:09:42,398
Lois? Where the devil
is everyone?
225
00:09:42,466 --> 00:09:46,032
This place is more deserted
than James Gandolfini's
workout room.
226
00:09:55,001 --> 00:09:57,331
Just waiting for
my breakfast...
227
00:09:58,100 --> 00:09:59,598
Lois!
228
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,698
I know how to get
her attention.
229
00:10:02,767 --> 00:10:05,665
Lois, I'm about to
drink my first soda!
230
00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:08,132
Better come stop me!
231
00:10:08,201 --> 00:10:11,665
That must be the sugar.
Oh, God, that's good!
232
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,832
Rupert, suddenly I want
to run! Chase me!
233
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:17,198
(GIGGLING)
234
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,831
(CONTINUES GIGGLING)
235
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,565
Now I'm sad.
236
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:32,265
Brian, do me a favor
and check on Stewie,
would you?
237
00:10:32,334 --> 00:10:33,465
He's fine.
238
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:36,032
Hey, what do you say
we sing a driving song?
239
00:10:36,101 --> 00:10:39,432
♪ Some say love
240
00:10:39,501 --> 00:10:44,332
♪ It is a river
241
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,133
♪ That drowns
242
00:10:47,201 --> 00:10:50,698
♪ The tender reed
243
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:54,632
♪ Some say love
244
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:59,365
♪ It is a razor
245
00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:02,332
♪ That leaves
246
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,265
♪ Your soul to bleed
247
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:07,433
(ALL SINGING)
248
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,898
♪ When the night
♪ When the night
249
00:11:09,968 --> 00:11:14,565
♪ Has been too lonely
♪ Has been too lonely
250
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:17,498
♪ And the road
♪ And the road
251
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:21,731
♪ Has been too long
♪ Has been too long
252
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,065
♪ And you think
♪ And you think
253
00:11:25,134 --> 00:11:28,598
♪ That love is only
♪ That love is only
254
00:11:29,834 --> 00:11:33,198
♪ For the lucky
♪ For the lucky
255
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:36,999
♪ And the strong
♪ And the strong
256
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:40,732
♪ Just remember
257
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,532
♪ In the winter
258
00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:48,165
♪ Far beneath
259
00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:52,532
♪ The bitter snows
260
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:55,832
♪ Lies the seed
261
00:11:55,901 --> 00:12:00,165
♪ That with the sun's love
262
00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:03,265
♪ In the spring
263
00:12:03,334 --> 00:12:10,232
♪ Becomes the rose ♪
264
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:15,265
Okay, that was good.
That was good.
265
00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:18,298
Chris, I think you were
a little early at
the start of bar four.
266
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:19,798
I don't know,
how'd that sound
from your end?
267
00:12:19,867 --> 00:12:21,498
Sounded great out here,
you want another?
268
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:22,999
No, if that works
for you, we're fine.
269
00:12:23,068 --> 00:12:24,131
All good on my end.
270
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,932
All right, that's a take.
271
00:12:28,434 --> 00:12:30,165
There's no sign
of them anywhere.
272
00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:33,999
Meg? Chris? Brian?
273
00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:36,899
They're gone.
I'm all alone.
274
00:12:36,967 --> 00:12:38,866
I can do whatever I want!
275
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:40,999
(CHUCKLES) I'm going
to take Brian's novel
276
00:12:41,068 --> 00:12:45,665
and replace every use
of the word "and"
with the word "fart."
277
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:48,699
"The young soldier
fart his brother
looked at each other,
278
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:49,832
"fart both knew that,
279
00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:52,364
"with love fart
truth fart courage,
280
00:12:52,433 --> 00:12:55,531
"they would both emerge
st-fart-ing on their feet."
281
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,765
(GROANS)
That one didn't work.
282
00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:01,298
Well, let's see
what fascinating
pubescent treasures
283
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:02,765
Chris has got hidden away.
284
00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:04,298
Ooh!
285
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:07,464
Hustler magazine.
I finally get to see
what a vagina looks...
286
00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:10,231
God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
287
00:13:14,701 --> 00:13:18,899
You can't hurt
anyone anymore.
288
00:13:25,134 --> 00:13:26,399
Why are we in New York?
289
00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:28,366
I thought we were going
to the Grand Canyon.
290
00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:31,598
Well, I just thought
we should stop
and pay our respects.
291
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,098
Ground Zero.
292
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:37,731
So this is where
the first guy got AIDS.
293
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,932
Peter, this is the site of
the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
294
00:13:41,001 --> 00:13:42,965
So Saddam Hussein
did this?
No.
295
00:13:43,034 --> 00:13:44,265
The Iraqi army?
No.
296
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:45,665
Some guys from Iraq?
No.
297
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:47,632
That one lady
who visited Iraq
that one time?
298
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,532
No. Peter, Iraq had
nothing to do with this.
299
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,065
It was a bunch
of Saudi Arabians,
Lebanese and Egyptians
300
00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:54,632
financed by
a Saudi Arabian guy
living in Afghanistan
301
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,732
and sheltered
by Pakistanis.
302
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,266
So you're saying
we need to invade Iran?
303
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:03,732
Wake up, Stewie.
304
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,565
Let's get you out
of that seat and
into a fresh diaper.
305
00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:08,231
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
306
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:10,399
Peter, Stewie's
not in the car!
307
00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:12,465
Oh, my God! We must
have left him at home!
308
00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:16,765
Oh, my God.
That is hilarious.
309
00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:18,465
He is probably
freaking out.
310
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:21,365
God! I would give anything
to see his face right now.
311
00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:24,732
He's probably all,
like, "Where the
deuce is everyone?"
312
00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:26,765
Well, I can't really
do a good Stewie.
313
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:29,331
Oh, my God!
What kind of
a mother am I?
314
00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:31,032
Peter, we gotta
go home right now!
315
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:33,665
Great, Lois.
Now we gotta bail
on the whole vacation!
316
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:36,898
This sucks! Now, every time
I come back to this place,
317
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,898
it's going to be
associated with one
particular bad memory.
318
00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:41,999
Actually, we could call
Quagmire and Cleveland.
319
00:14:42,068 --> 00:14:43,732
They can go over
and check on Stewie.
320
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:45,865
They'd probably even be
willing to look after him
till we got home.
321
00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:48,565
Well, okay. I guess so.
322
00:14:48,634 --> 00:14:50,865
Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland
are great with kids.
323
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:53,098
Like Robin Williams
in Patch Adams.
324
00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:54,999
Oh! Everybody's
lying around in here.
325
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,565
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
326
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:57,932
What am I, in Congress?
327
00:14:58,001 --> 00:14:59,932
See? Laughter is
the best medicine.
328
00:15:00,001 --> 00:15:02,965
Please, sir,
I'm in so much pain.
329
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:04,598
Shut up and listen
to my material!
330
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:07,899
What's this?
Bedpan? Peter Pan.
Next stop is Neverland.
331
00:15:07,967 --> 00:15:10,199
Come, Wendy, fly with me.
332
00:15:10,268 --> 00:15:11,299
(BEEPING)
333
00:15:14,534 --> 00:15:15,665
Hmm.
334
00:15:15,733 --> 00:15:17,832
I've never executed
a diaper change before.
335
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,298
Of course,
how hard can it be?
336
00:15:19,367 --> 00:15:20,665
You just unfasten
these things,
337
00:15:20,734 --> 00:15:22,465
then lay back with
your legs in the air,
338
00:15:22,534 --> 00:15:24,632
and let nature
do the rest.
339
00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:28,099
It's still there.
340
00:15:28,167 --> 00:15:30,498
Usually, the doody's
disappeared by now,
but it hasn't.
341
00:15:30,567 --> 00:15:33,598
It's just sitting there
like Joseph on his
wedding night.
342
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:35,799
(LOUD THUDDING)
343
00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:38,266
Happiest night
of my life, honey.
344
00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:40,932
Really memorable.
345
00:15:41,001 --> 00:15:42,464
(THUDDING ACCELERATES)
346
00:15:42,533 --> 00:15:43,899
Almost done
in there, God?
347
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:45,165
GOD: Shut up!
348
00:15:45,234 --> 00:15:46,266
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
349
00:15:46,335 --> 00:15:47,699
(GASPS) Intruders!
350
00:15:47,767 --> 00:15:49,632
Stewie, you in there?
351
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:55,498
You think he's here?
352
00:15:58,101 --> 00:16:00,233
God! It's Cleveland
and Bob Hope.
353
00:16:00,301 --> 00:16:01,598
Oh, well.
The damage is done.
354
00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:02,965
Better get them
out of here.
355
00:16:03,034 --> 00:16:04,598
Perhaps I'll shackle
them in the basement
356
00:16:04,667 --> 00:16:06,932
with a 24-hour broadcast
of the DirecTV help channel.
357
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:11,799
What the hell?
Where are we?
358
00:16:11,868 --> 00:16:14,499
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to
know your remote is easier
than you might think.
359
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:17,498
These buttons at the top
control volume, channel
360
00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:19,265
and the power
on your receiver.
361
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:21,565
To see what else is playing,
just press "guide,"
362
00:16:21,634 --> 00:16:23,199
and then scroll through
the onscreen menu
363
00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:26,199
by pushing the arrow button,
or to scroll even faster,
364
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:28,532
use the channel up
or channel down button.
365
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:32,432
Now you're on your way
to experiencing all that
DirecTV has to offer.
366
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,498
Now that we've
learned the basics...
367
00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:34,766
This may be
kind of messed up,
368
00:16:34,834 --> 00:16:37,732
but am I the only one
getting a boner right now?
369
00:16:37,801 --> 00:16:40,832
Is there anything
that doesn't give you
a boner, Glenn?
370
00:16:40,901 --> 00:16:43,365
People who use the word
"rubbish" when they mean
"garbage."
371
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,465
Really?
Yeah.
372
00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:47,632
Not even a wiggle
down there.
373
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:48,732
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
...your shows will appear
on "My Playlist."
374
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:50,065
Peter, it's been
eight hours,
375
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,565
and I haven't heard back
from Cleveland or Quagmire.
376
00:16:52,634 --> 00:16:54,231
I even tried Joe.
377
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,698
This is my wheelchair!
378
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:57,932
There are many like it,
but this one is mine!
379
00:16:58,001 --> 00:17:00,132
Without me,
my wheelchair is useless!
380
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,098
Without my wheelchair,
I am useless!
381
00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:03,265
(PHONE RINGS)
382
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:04,898
Shut up!
Okay.
383
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:10,732
This sucks!
I want to see
the Grand Canyon!
384
00:17:10,801 --> 00:17:13,532
I'm sorry, but we are not
leaving Stewie by himself.
385
00:17:13,601 --> 00:17:14,765
We're going home.
386
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:20,932
No way!
Those guys have
a TV in their car!
387
00:17:21,001 --> 00:17:24,832
(LAUGHS) They're watching
Operation Dumbo Screw
with Don Knotts.
388
00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:27,099
Professor, you've got to
impregnate this elephant
389
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:29,398
or the entire species
will become extinct.
390
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:32,665
You mean I gotta put
this thing in that thing?
391
00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:35,832
Well, this is a job
that's not worth the money!
392
00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:37,298
Peter, watch the road!
393
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:38,732
Lois, get off my back,
will you?
394
00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:39,865
I'm trying to watch TV.
395
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,133
I swear to God,
396
00:17:41,201 --> 00:17:43,032
sometimes I think
your head's screwed
on backwards.
397
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:44,432
I mean, do you
have any idea...
398
00:17:44,501 --> 00:17:45,565
(GASPS)
399
00:17:45,634 --> 00:17:46,999
(LAUGHING)
400
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,364
(SCREAMING)
401
00:17:52,533 --> 00:17:54,464
(GROANING)
402
00:17:54,533 --> 00:17:57,364
Hey, crashy, what are
you doing down there?
403
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,365
Well, Rupert,
we're out of food, diapers,
404
00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:06,965
and just about
everything else.
405
00:18:07,034 --> 00:18:08,898
Which means I've got
to get a job.
406
00:18:08,967 --> 00:18:10,932
Otherwise, we'll be
in worse shape than
Morbidly Obese Albert.
407
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,865
Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert,
408
00:18:13,934 --> 00:18:15,499
we brought you
some chocolates.
409
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:19,632
I can't eat those chocolates
on account of my diabetes.
410
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,965
Remember, they had
to take my foot?
411
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,332
Look on the bright side.
412
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,199
Now you get your
shoes half price.
413
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:26,865
(LAUGHS)
414
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:29,232
All right.
Maybe I'll have one.
415
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:36,232
Welcome to McBurgertown.
Can I take your order?
416
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,865
Stewie, you've got
to clean the bathroom.
417
00:18:37,934 --> 00:18:39,799
No! No! I'm not
going back in there!
418
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,498
Stewie, I'm not
giving you a choice.
419
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,865
You've gotta go
clean that up.
420
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:45,865
No! No! It was literally
only on the floor, all right?
421
00:18:45,934 --> 00:18:47,932
There was no attempt
to get near the toilet.
422
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:51,398
It's like they just
pressed their buttocks
against the wall.
423
00:18:51,466 --> 00:18:53,464
The only part of the floor
that didn't have poo on it
424
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,831
was the part that
had a baby on it.
425
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:55,932
Go!
426
00:18:59,301 --> 00:19:00,765
Peter, did you get
the train tickets?
427
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,364
Actually, no, Lois.
428
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:04,598
There was a guy
inside selling
shower curtain rings,
429
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:05,832
so I bought
a bunch of those.
430
00:19:05,901 --> 00:19:07,965
Peter, that was
the last of our cash!
431
00:19:08,034 --> 00:19:10,332
These ones have
helium in them,
so they're very light.
432
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,965
You are unbelievable!
433
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:14,065
The last four days
have been a living hell!
434
00:19:14,134 --> 00:19:15,899
Our baby is at home
all by himself,
435
00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:17,299
yet, instead of
getting us home,
436
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:20,098
you've managed
to make things worse
at every turn!
437
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,732
A monkey would be
a refreshing
step up from you.
438
00:19:22,801 --> 00:19:24,532
A monkey would talk less.
439
00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:26,598
Here's a little tip.
440
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:29,165
If your instinct tells you
to do something, don't do it!
441
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,264
If your instinct tells you
not to do something,
442
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:33,599
it's probably the
right thing to do!
443
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:36,765
You wanna hurt me?
444
00:19:36,834 --> 00:19:38,932
Go right ahead,
if it makes you
feel any better.
445
00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:43,032
I'm an easy target.
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
446
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,632
I also listen too much.
447
00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:49,599
I could be a coldhearted
cynic like you,
448
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:52,231
but I don't like to
hurt peoples' feelings.
449
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:55,331
Well, you think
what you want about me.
I'm not changing.
450
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,565
I like... I like me.
451
00:19:57,634 --> 00:20:01,699
My kids like me.
My friends like me.
452
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:05,398
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see is what you get.
453
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:11,065
(LAUGHS)
454
00:20:11,134 --> 00:20:12,798
Movie references.
455
00:20:12,867 --> 00:20:15,898
Guys, I found us a ride
to Quahog in the back
of a truck! Hurry!
456
00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:17,198
Oh! Thank God!
457
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:18,999
Come on. Let's head home
before Stewie gets hurt,
458
00:20:19,068 --> 00:20:21,531
like Fozzie Bear
when he went
to Saudi Arabia.
459
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,432
It's good to worship Allah,
460
00:20:23,501 --> 00:20:26,665
'cause I used to worship
summer! Wocka, wocka.
461
00:20:26,734 --> 00:20:28,432
(MEN CHATTERING)
462
00:20:28,501 --> 00:20:31,198
I once knew a guy
who was so Arab...
463
00:20:31,266 --> 00:20:33,399
How Arab was he?
464
00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:36,032
He was so Arab that
everybody liked him,
465
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,665
and there was nothing
funny about him at all.
466
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,331
Stewie, can I see you
in my office for a second?
467
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,199
Yeah. What's up, Eric?
Everything okay?
468
00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:50,865
Yeah. Just come
into my office.
469
00:20:50,933 --> 00:20:53,732
Stewie, Shawanda said
she saw you sneaking food.
470
00:20:53,801 --> 00:20:55,265
What?
471
00:20:55,333 --> 00:20:56,965
She said she saw you in
the back of the kitchen
472
00:20:57,034 --> 00:20:58,431
sneaking
a fish sandwich.
473
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:01,198
Come on, dude!
474
00:21:01,266 --> 00:21:04,932
Yes. Okay. But the thing
was five minutes past
the throw-out time.
475
00:21:05,001 --> 00:21:06,099
Well, be that
as it may,
476
00:21:06,168 --> 00:21:07,199
Shawanda took
these pictures
on her cell phone.
477
00:21:14,101 --> 00:21:15,332
You're fired.
478
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:22,331
We're broke, Rupert.
I'm jobless,
there's no food left,
479
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,665
I'm out of diapers,
and I'm down
to Meg's last hat.
480
00:21:25,734 --> 00:21:28,998
We're doomed, you know.
Let it be written
on my tombstone
481
00:21:29,067 --> 00:21:32,565
that my life was
considerably better
with my family around,
482
00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:35,765
and I didn't realize it
until it was too late.
483
00:21:35,834 --> 00:21:36,998
(HORN HONKS)
484
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:49,598
Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog!
Brian! They're home!
485
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:56,099
Mommy! Thank God
you're home!
486
00:21:56,168 --> 00:21:58,165
Stewie, my baby!
487
00:21:58,234 --> 00:21:59,665
I promise with
all my heart
488
00:21:59,734 --> 00:22:02,165
that I'll never say or do
anything bad to you
489
00:22:02,234 --> 00:22:04,232
for the rest
of the evening.
490
00:22:04,301 --> 00:22:08,632
By the way, I disabled
the V-chip, and I watched
so much porn.
491
00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:11,532
Sweetie, I'm so glad
you're all right.
492
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,732
Yeah. No thanks to
Cleveland and Quagmire.
493
00:22:13,801 --> 00:22:15,398
Wonder what the hell
happened to them.
494
00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:17,464
BOTH: And now you're ready
to enjoy the full range
495
00:22:17,533 --> 00:22:19,999
of exciting DirecTV
programming options.
496
00:22:20,068 --> 00:22:22,665
And remember, for answers to
any questions you may have,
497
00:22:22,734 --> 00:22:24,866
you can consult
the onscreen help menu,
498
00:22:24,934 --> 00:22:27,465
or 24-hour online
assistance is available
499
00:22:27,534 --> 00:22:32,232
at www.directv.com/help.
500
00:22:32,301 --> 00:22:34,866
So sit back
and enjoy DirecTV.
501
00:22:34,934 --> 00:22:36,965
Thanks for joining us.
502
00:22:37,034 --> 00:22:39,432
Welcome to the
DirecTV Help Channel,
503
00:22:39,501 --> 00:22:43,099
your destination
for getting started with
your new DirecTV system.
504
00:22:43,167 --> 00:22:45,765
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!