1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:06,032
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,101 --> 00:00:09,364
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,433 --> 00:00:13,032
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,101 --> 00:00:16,132
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:19,398
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,467 --> 00:00:22,732
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,498
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:26,032
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:31,099
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,465
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
11
00:00:37,533 --> 00:00:39,698
ANNOUNCER: We now
return to Jackass.
12
00:00:39,768 --> 00:00:41,898
Hello, my name's
Johnny Knoxville,
13
00:00:41,968 --> 00:00:44,565
and I'm gonna take
a shotgun blast to
the face.
14
00:00:44,633 --> 00:00:45,631
Okay, ready?
15
00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:47,266
(CHUCKLING)
16
00:00:47,333 --> 00:00:48,865
(SCREAMING)
17
00:00:48,934 --> 00:00:51,098
(LAUGHING)
18
00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:52,331
God!
19
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,165
(LAUGHING)
20
00:00:54,234 --> 00:00:55,365
These guys
are hilarious.
21
00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,365
They do so much
funny stuff.
22
00:00:57,434 --> 00:00:58,998
Hey, you know what?
23
00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:00,599
We should try
some of that stuff.
24
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:01,732
Here, at home.
25
00:01:01,801 --> 00:01:02,932
I don't know, Peter.
26
00:01:03,001 --> 00:01:04,699
That
skull-and-crossbones warning
27
00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:07,531
before the show
was pretty clear
about not doing that.
28
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:08,765
Cleveland, shut up.
29
00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:11,366
I saw something on TV
that I want to imitate.
30
00:01:13,301 --> 00:01:14,565
Peter,
what are you...
31
00:01:14,634 --> 00:01:16,832
What are you boys doing
up there? Get off the roof!
32
00:01:16,901 --> 00:01:19,199
Go back
in the house, Lois,
we're being Jackass.
33
00:01:19,267 --> 00:01:21,132
Okay, ready?
All right, we're rolling.
34
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,432
I'm Peter Griffin, and
this is "Shopping Cart...
35
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:29,665
"Roof Shopping Cart Guys."
36
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,665
Okay, go!
37
00:01:32,867 --> 00:01:34,365
(GROANING)
38
00:01:34,433 --> 00:01:36,298
(ALL GROANING)
39
00:01:36,366 --> 00:01:38,498
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
40
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:40,132
I don't know.
I don't know!
41
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:41,699
What does it look like?
42
00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:44,698
(SCREAMING)
What do I do?
What is that?
43
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:46,098
What is...
I feel something!
44
00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:47,565
It's your spine, dude.
45
00:01:47,634 --> 00:01:49,766
It got, like,
yanked up a bunch of notches.
46
00:01:49,834 --> 00:01:52,199
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
47
00:01:52,267 --> 00:01:53,298
I'm...
48
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:54,398
God!
49
00:01:54,467 --> 00:01:55,998
Does this get fixed
with ice or heat?
50
00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:57,098
Ice now,
heat later.
51
00:01:58,734 --> 00:02:01,698
I'm Glenn Quagmire,
and this is "Bee Bush."
52
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,932
JOE: All right,
what did you do to
yourself, Quagmire?
53
00:02:04,001 --> 00:02:07,032
Well, I just covered my
entire private area
with honey.
54
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:08,565
Now we're
just waiting
for the bees.
55
00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:10,598
(CHUCKLES) Giggity.
56
00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:12,531
All right,
here they come!
57
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,265
(BUZZING)
58
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,898
Okay. Okay, they're
on there. Let's just...
59
00:02:16,967 --> 00:02:18,965
Nobody move.
60
00:02:19,034 --> 00:02:22,465
All right?
Nobody do nothing.
Don't want to make them mad.
61
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:23,665
(AIR HORN BLOWS)
62
00:02:23,733 --> 00:02:24,832
(ALL LAUGH)
63
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:26,166
Stop it! Stop it!
Knock it off!
64
00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:28,166
Yeah,
we wouldn't want
the bees to get mad.
65
00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:29,798
I hate you, bees!
I hate you, bees!
66
00:02:29,867 --> 00:02:31,132
Stop it!
Stop it! Knock it off!
I hate you, bees!
67
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:32,232
I hate you, bees!
I hate you, bees!
68
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:33,532
No, serious! Stop! Stop!
69
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:34,832
I hate you, bees!
I hate you, bees!
Stop!
70
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:35,565
All right,
that's enough,
that's enough.
71
00:02:35,634 --> 00:02:36,732
Get 'em off.
72
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,065
Get 'em off.
Put them back in the hive!
73
00:02:38,134 --> 00:02:39,365
Yeah,
all right,
enough is enough.
74
00:02:39,434 --> 00:02:40,866
Cleveland,
open the hive.
75
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:42,765
All right, Quagmire,
bring 'em over here.
76
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,698
(SCREAMING)
77
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,364
(ALL LAUGHING)
78
00:02:59,834 --> 00:03:00,865
Oh, my!
79
00:03:00,934 --> 00:03:02,799
(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
80
00:03:03,901 --> 00:03:05,032
(SCREAMS)
81
00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,531
What the fuck?
Why would you
do that?
82
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:08,865
(LAUGHING)
83
00:03:08,934 --> 00:03:09,798
Hey, you guys,
Lois says it's
time for dinner.
84
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,032
(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
85
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,432
(SCREAMS)
86
00:03:15,501 --> 00:03:17,465
(ALL LAUGHING)
87
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:22,865
Peter,
this is not
safe at all.
88
00:03:22,934 --> 00:03:24,598
Shut up, Brian.
Just keep filming.
89
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:28,832
Okay. I'm Peter Griffin,
and I am The Greatest
American Hero.
90
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:33,498
My special power is
being somehow memorable
after a very short run on TV.
91
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:39,365
♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air
92
00:03:39,433 --> 00:03:43,065
♪ I never thought
I could be so free
93
00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:46,231
♪ Flying away on
a wing and a prayer
94
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:47,899
♪ Who could it be?
95
00:03:47,967 --> 00:03:49,231
♪ Could it be?
96
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,565
♪ Believe it or not,
it's just... ♪
97
00:03:51,633 --> 00:03:53,932
(SCREAMING)
98
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:55,699
(LAUGHING)
99
00:03:55,767 --> 00:03:56,965
Get some, Peter!
100
00:03:57,034 --> 00:03:58,264
Nice job on that ramp,
Joe.
101
00:03:58,333 --> 00:04:00,465
If there's one thing
I know, it's ramps.
102
00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:02,231
Wait a minute, guys,
I think he's really
hurt.
103
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,966
Help! Help!
I think my arm is broken!
104
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:12,832
(PANTING)
105
00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:16,198
(GRUNTING)
106
00:04:16,267 --> 00:04:17,632
(LOUD CRACK)
107
00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:19,766
My back. I can't move.
108
00:04:33,934 --> 00:04:35,032
(GASPING)
109
00:04:35,101 --> 00:04:37,599
I thought I was gonna die.
110
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:39,298
(SCREAMS)
111
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:41,865
(LAUGHING)
112
00:04:46,801 --> 00:04:49,332
You know, Peter,
I'd expect this kind
of behavior from you,
113
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,998
but you have no business
endangering Brian like that.
114
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,132
Thank you, Lois.
115
00:04:53,201 --> 00:04:54,498
I mean,
he jumped
into that lake
116
00:04:54,567 --> 00:04:57,532
to try and save your life,
and he's eight years old,
Peter.
117
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,532
Eight!
That's 56 in
human years!
118
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,098
Okay, Lois.
119
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:05,032
I mean, why do you think
he almost drowned?
He's old, Peter!
120
00:05:05,101 --> 00:05:07,465
Plus, he drinks and
he smokes all the time,
121
00:05:07,534 --> 00:05:10,665
so take that 56 and
make it 79, at least!
122
00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,465
Why are you making such
a big deal out of this,
Lois?
123
00:05:12,534 --> 00:05:13,732
I was just
a little tired.
124
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:15,565
Yeah?
Well, that's how
it begins, Brian.
125
00:05:15,634 --> 00:05:18,366
Then the next thing you know,
I'm making Peter dig a hole
in the yard,
126
00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:19,699
and you're
in a pillowcase.
127
00:05:19,768 --> 00:05:21,665
You're out
of your mind.
Brian's young.
128
00:05:21,734 --> 00:05:23,099
And I'm gonna
prove it to you.
129
00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:28,331
Hey, youthful guy.
130
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,899
How is your barizzness
on this aggressively
redonkulous morning?
131
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:33,399
What the hell are you
talking about, Peter?
132
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:36,298
Don't you mean
tizz-alking about,
P. Doodie?
133
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:37,966
You don't have to
be formal with me.
134
00:05:38,034 --> 00:05:39,599
I know how you
young people talk.
135
00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:42,198
Peter, I'm not old,
but I'm not that
young, either.
136
00:05:42,267 --> 00:05:44,765
Brian,
we should sip Bacardi
like it's your birthday.
137
00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:46,198
What does that even mean?
138
00:05:46,267 --> 00:05:49,765
It means that
this damn thing
doesn't work at all!
139
00:05:53,401 --> 00:05:54,598
Peter,
what are you doing?
140
00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:56,598
If movies and TV
have taught me
anything,
141
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:59,598
it's that young people
today are constantly
being antagonized
142
00:05:59,667 --> 00:06:01,631
by preppy '80s bullies.
What?
143
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:03,699
What are you gonna
do about it, new kid?
144
00:06:03,768 --> 00:06:05,164
Peter,
this doesn't make sense.
145
00:06:05,233 --> 00:06:06,965
You know
what doesn't
make sense, Brian?
146
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,565
Some new kid jerk
moving into my town
147
00:06:09,634 --> 00:06:11,299
and being worse
than me at karate.
148
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:12,564
Peter,
you don't know karate.
149
00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:13,965
And stay away from Muffy.
150
00:06:14,034 --> 00:06:16,431
She's my girlfriend.
She just doesn't
know it yet.
151
00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:19,266
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go get yelled at
by my father,
152
00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:21,432
'cause we're more
alike than we know.
153
00:06:21,501 --> 00:06:26,166
♪ No one, no one
154
00:06:26,235 --> 00:06:28,766
♪ No one ever
155
00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,265
♪ Is to blame ♪
156
00:06:37,834 --> 00:06:39,832
Peter,
did you have
fun with Brian?
157
00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:41,832
No, Lois,
he was a wet blanket.
158
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,665
And I'm
starting to think
you might be right.
159
00:06:43,734 --> 00:06:45,332
Brian's getting old.
160
00:06:45,401 --> 00:06:48,565
He's not the dog he used
to be, and I'll have to
get used to it.
161
00:06:48,634 --> 00:06:49,665
Just like I got used
to my acrylic nails.
162
00:06:54,734 --> 00:06:56,399
(PHONE RINGING)
163
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:59,332
Scanlon,
Weinstock
and Riesman.
164
00:06:59,401 --> 00:07:01,232
Hey, Laronda.
165
00:07:01,301 --> 00:07:04,698
No,
I got four people
on hold, but I can talk.
166
00:07:09,034 --> 00:07:10,165
Good morning, everybody.
167
00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:12,365
Brian, I have
something to say.
168
00:07:12,434 --> 00:07:15,098
I'm sorry I've been so
preoccupied with your age.
169
00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:18,198
Well,
look, Peter, don't worry.
Let's just forget about it.
170
00:07:18,266 --> 00:07:20,765
Fantastic.
And to help us
forget about it,
171
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:24,498
family, I'd like to
introduce New Brian.
172
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:26,032
Hey, gang!
173
00:07:26,101 --> 00:07:28,432
Whose leg
do you have to hump
to get a hug around here?
174
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,032
(ALL LAUGHING)
175
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,166
I like him.
176
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,932
You got a new dog?
Yes, sir.
177
00:07:43,001 --> 00:07:45,032
But... I'm the dog.
178
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:46,399
Well, now that
you're getting
older,
179
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,331
New Brian's here to
take some of the
load off.
180
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,632
Can he do tricks?
181
00:07:49,701 --> 00:07:52,098
You bet!
He's trained to
fetch, roll over,
182
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,298
and make you feel
really good about
yourself.
183
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:55,765
Wow, Meg and Chris,
184
00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:58,465
I can't decide
which one of your
hats I like better!
185
00:07:58,534 --> 00:08:00,132
(BOTH GASP)
186
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,532
I can't believe
you got a new dog.
187
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:03,698
What about me?
188
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:05,266
Hey, you're still my buddy.
189
00:08:05,334 --> 00:08:07,798
New Brian is just
a new friend for
the family.
190
00:08:07,867 --> 00:08:09,398
Trust me, you guys are
gonna get along better
191
00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:11,465
than
Abraham Lincoln
and his neighbor.
192
00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:18,133
Hey, Dale,
I noticed your lawn's
getting a little high.
193
00:08:18,201 --> 00:08:21,166
Yeah. I used to have
a guy for that. Dick.
194
00:08:21,235 --> 00:08:22,798
Okay, now, you
have a good one.
195
00:08:24,867 --> 00:08:26,598
(MORNING PLAYING)
196
00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:37,699
My word,
what a gorgeous
way to wake up.
197
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:38,966
I hope
you don't mind.
198
00:08:39,034 --> 00:08:40,832
I checked the time
your alarm was set
for,
199
00:08:40,901 --> 00:08:42,465
and I shut it off.
200
00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:44,765
I figured this might be
a more gentle way to
start off the day.
201
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:47,799
That is so thoughtful,
New Brian.
202
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,565
(WHISPERING) I'll start
up again in nine minutes.
203
00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:59,431
Hey, Meg, I know how you
like to let off steam
once in a while,
204
00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:00,631
so I got you a journal.
205
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:02,266
You got me a journal?
206
00:09:02,335 --> 00:09:06,232
Actually,
I got you two of them,
my right ear and my left ear.
207
00:09:06,767 --> 00:09:07,965
Fire away.
208
00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:10,498
Dear Diary,
today at the
school library,
209
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:12,465
I saw a picture in
National Geographic
210
00:09:12,534 --> 00:09:15,698
of a woman with nipples
that cover most of her
breasts, too.
211
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:18,065
And, suddenly,
I didn't feel
so alone.
212
00:09:18,134 --> 00:09:19,798
You know what it
sounds like to me?
213
00:09:19,867 --> 00:09:23,698
Sounds like
the woman in that
picture was pretty beautiful.
214
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,665
All right,
I'll see you at dinner.
215
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:27,966
Think fast!
Wow! Deodorant!
216
00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:29,398
Are you sure
I'm old enough?
217
00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:30,832
I think so.
218
00:09:30,901 --> 00:09:33,765
I'm gonna
make you a little
less gross every day.
219
00:09:37,001 --> 00:09:39,866
Hey, New Brian.
You have a guitar!
220
00:09:39,934 --> 00:09:42,332
Yep. In fact,
I wrote a new song today.
221
00:09:42,401 --> 00:09:43,799
And I want to hear
what you think of it.
222
00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:45,932
Where did you find
the time for that?
223
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:49,231
Peter, inspiration
doesn't have a schedule.
224
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:52,098
♪ I don't like
fancy learnin'
books
225
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,465
♪ I don't like apple tarts
226
00:09:54,534 --> 00:09:57,032
♪ I don't like
cozy breakfast
nooks
227
00:09:57,100 --> 00:10:00,299
♪ I don't like modern arts
228
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,866
♪ Well, I like farts
229
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:05,066
♪ Yes, I like farts
230
00:10:05,135 --> 00:10:06,966
♪ I like long farts,
short farts, wet farts
231
00:10:07,034 --> 00:10:09,365
♪ Your farts,
I like farts, if
you've got heart
232
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:10,465
♪ Oh, I've got heart
233
00:10:10,534 --> 00:10:11,632
♪ Let's hear those farts
234
00:10:11,701 --> 00:10:12,732
♪ How do I start?
235
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,399
♪ Well, Peter,
I will help you
236
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:16,465
♪ Get your fartin' started ♪
237
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,765
(BLOWING
RHYTHMIC RASPBERRIES)
238
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,932
(BOTH LAUGH)
239
00:10:27,934 --> 00:10:29,732
Hey, Brian,
I went out for
a run this morning,
240
00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:30,899
and I found this stick.
241
00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:32,032
I thought you
might like it.
242
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,498
Wow. Thanks a lot.
243
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,432
And I got you
this bag of weed.
244
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:38,298
I don't smoke it myself,
but I sure won't judge you.
245
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:39,532
Gosh, thanks.
246
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,965
Check you later,
handsome guy.
247
00:10:42,034 --> 00:10:44,565
Well, you know,
I wasn't sure about
this new dog thing at first,
248
00:10:44,633 --> 00:10:47,098
but I gotta tell you,
he's a really terrific guy.
249
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:50,098
You poor damn fool.
What?
250
00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:52,465
You have no idea
what's going on here.
251
00:10:52,534 --> 00:10:55,432
He's not just
a delightful new
friend for the family.
252
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:56,665
He's your replacement.
253
00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:58,231
Come on,
that's ridiculous.
254
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,364
You're getting old,
Brian, and they know it.
255
00:11:00,433 --> 00:11:03,165
You're no longer
the cover girl.
Look at Carol Alt.
256
00:11:03,233 --> 00:11:05,098
That's what...
You're Carol Alt.
257
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:06,632
I'm through listening to you.
258
00:11:06,701 --> 00:11:09,098
Fine. Think what you want,
aging supermodel Carol Alt.
259
00:11:11,068 --> 00:11:12,199
MAN: Carol, come in here!
260
00:11:12,268 --> 00:11:14,598
They're
saying your name
on The Family Man!
261
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:15,731
CAROL: What?
MAN: Huh?
262
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:16,965
CAROL: What?
MAN: Huh?
263
00:11:17,034 --> 00:11:18,765
CAROL: What?
MAN: I forget.
264
00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:22,165
And besides,
Brian, the evidence is all
right in front of your nose.
265
00:11:22,234 --> 00:11:24,965
(LAUGHING) That's hilarious,
New Brian.
266
00:11:25,034 --> 00:11:27,365
Now do your impression
of Punky Brewster's
father.
267
00:11:27,434 --> 00:11:28,665
(IN DEEP VOICE) Punky...
268
00:11:29,234 --> 00:11:30,465
Punky!
269
00:11:32,134 --> 00:11:34,632
Punky, you have
a dog named Brandon.
270
00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:38,799
Hi.
I'm Carol Alt
for PoliGrip.
271
00:11:38,867 --> 00:11:40,699
MAN: They did it again!
CAROL: Who?
272
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:41,832
MAN: The Family Man.
273
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,265
CAROL: Is that the
one with the fish?
274
00:11:43,334 --> 00:11:44,365
MAN: No,
that's American Boy.
275
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:52,799
Okay,
relax, Brian, there's
no way they'd replace you.
276
00:11:52,867 --> 00:11:55,531
But it probably couldn't hurt
to remind them how much they
value you
277
00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:57,199
as a family member.
278
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,598
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
279
00:12:00,667 --> 00:12:02,732
I just wanted to
check in with you.
280
00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:04,765
You know, sometimes
life happens so fast,
281
00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:06,899
we miss the most important
part, which is sharing it.
282
00:12:06,967 --> 00:12:07,998
Uh-huh.
283
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:10,232
You see, Chris,
I care about you,
284
00:12:10,301 --> 00:12:13,198
and if there
is ever anything you
ever want to talk about
285
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,598
or if you just want some
company, I'm here for you.
286
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:19,098
So, how's it hanging?
287
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:20,799
Okay.
288
00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:23,532
Hey, what you got here?
Oh, Maxim.
289
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,832
That
Jessica Biel
sure is a cutie.
290
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:29,298
You were
masturbating
when I came in.
291
00:12:29,366 --> 00:12:30,699
Yeah.
292
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:34,331
So, how's it hanging?
Get out!
293
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,532
Gotcha.
294
00:12:39,168 --> 00:12:42,132
Okay, everybody,
tonight I've got
a real treat for you.
295
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,531
We've all seen your
compilation video,
Brian.
296
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:45,999
Shatner singing Rocket Man,
297
00:12:46,068 --> 00:12:48,032
drunk Orson Welles
doing that commercial,
298
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,732
Sylvester Stallone
in that porno,
299
00:12:49,801 --> 00:12:51,598
and Bill Cosby
beating up that midget.
300
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:53,298
Wait, I don't
remember that
last one.
301
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:56,231
Yeah,
it's freaking brutal,
for no reason, you know?
302
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:58,465
The poor little guy's
just sitting there
eating his Snack Pack.
303
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:01,532
Bill Cosby just runs in out
of nowhere and just starts
wailing on him.
304
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,098
Didn't that guy die?
305
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:05,233
No, no,
these are home movies
from when I was a puppy.
306
00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:06,698
He died.
Okay, look, just watch.
307
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,131
ALL: Aw!
308
00:13:27,134 --> 00:13:29,332
Look at him sleep.
309
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,565
I wonder what
he's dreaming
about.
310
00:13:31,634 --> 00:13:33,065
Shut up, Meg.
311
00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:34,832
(FARTS)
312
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:36,832
Did you hear that?
He farted.
313
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,765
Just like in the song.
314
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:41,732
(LOUD FART)
315
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:43,165
What the hell is
the matter with
you?
316
00:13:43,234 --> 00:13:45,165
Outside! Outside now!
317
00:13:48,034 --> 00:13:50,298
Well, I hate to say
I told you so, but...
318
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:52,399
Wait a minute.
I love saying
I told you so!
319
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:53,532
(EXCLAIMING)
320
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,165
Hey, Stewie Griffin,
meet Stewie Griffin.
321
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:57,198
Nice to meet you.
Charmed, I'm sure.
322
00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:59,165
Great outfit.
Go on. No, it is.
323
00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:00,632
So what if
there's a new dog?
324
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:02,798
Lots of families have
two dogs.
325
00:14:02,867 --> 00:14:05,398
Hey, Brian,
I thought maybe we could
spend the afternoon together.
326
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:06,699
Really?
That'd be great!
327
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:08,865
Awesome,
'cause I got
this new gun...
328
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:10,032
Here we go.
329
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,331
...and I thought
we could go
deep in the woods,
330
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:13,699
where no one would
ever think to look...
331
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:14,899
Oh, boy.
332
00:14:14,968 --> 00:14:16,632
...and just shoot it.
Awkward.
333
00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:19,066
You know, like so far in
that no one can hear
gunfire...
334
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:21,665
A little on the nose.
...or screaming.
335
00:14:21,734 --> 00:14:23,665
I don't think so, Peter.
336
00:14:23,733 --> 00:14:25,632
Jeez,
it's like he thinks
I'm gonna shoot him.
337
00:14:25,701 --> 00:14:29,065
He's acting all
crazy like Quagmire
when he drunk-dials me.
338
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:30,498
(PHONE RINGING)
339
00:14:31,868 --> 00:14:33,465
Hello?
340
00:14:33,533 --> 00:14:35,832
(SLURRING) Hey,
what are you...
What are you doing?
341
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:37,431
Quagmire, I'm sleeping.
342
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:38,966
Yeah,
I was just
out with Joe.
343
00:14:39,034 --> 00:14:40,631
What are you doing?
344
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:41,866
I just told you.
345
00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:43,299
That's right.
346
00:14:43,367 --> 00:14:44,798
I just...
I just asked
that. I forgot.
347
00:14:44,868 --> 00:14:47,665
Hey, hey, this song
made me think of you,
348
00:14:47,734 --> 00:14:50,166
so, wait,
listen to this song.
349
00:14:50,235 --> 00:14:51,866
(STATIC BUZZING)
350
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:54,798
Isn't that awesome?
351
00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:56,333
JOE: You said you
weren't gonna call him.
352
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,832
QUAGMIRE:
It's not him,
you big bully.
353
00:14:57,901 --> 00:15:00,832
Joe told me
not to call you.
354
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,399
So what...
So what are you doing?
355
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,465
(SIGHS)
356
00:15:09,834 --> 00:15:11,998
Everyone, I have
an announcement
to make.
357
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:13,433
I've decided I'm leaving.
358
00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:16,465
What?
Leaving?
Brian, why?
359
00:15:16,534 --> 00:15:19,932
Well, you know,
I feel like I've sort
of run my course here,
360
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,098
and, you know, besides,
there's a whole big
world out there,
361
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:24,331
and it's time I saw it.
362
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,364
But, Brian,
you live here.
This is your home.
363
00:15:27,433 --> 00:15:29,798
I know,
but I've thought about
this long and hard, and...
364
00:15:29,867 --> 00:15:32,498
(LAUGHS) "Long and hard."
I'm sorry.
365
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,099
Brian, please,
please continue.
366
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,265
This is just
something I have to do.
367
00:15:36,334 --> 00:15:37,965
Well, where will you go?
368
00:15:38,034 --> 00:15:41,132
Well, I haven't decided
that yet, but I promise
I'll be in touch.
369
00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:42,298
(LAUGHS)
370
00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,798
Wait. How is
that one dirty?
371
00:15:43,867 --> 00:15:46,131
It's... I was remembering
"long and hard."
372
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,632
Well, if your mind
is made up about
this, Brian,
373
00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:51,299
then I wish you
the best of luck.
374
00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,199
I hope this move
won't be a boner
for you.
375
00:15:54,801 --> 00:15:56,299
Peter?
376
00:15:56,801 --> 00:15:58,399
What?
377
00:15:58,468 --> 00:16:01,399
I was just saying to Brian,
"I hope this move won't be
a boner."
378
00:16:01,468 --> 00:16:03,831
I would agree.
I hope he finds
what he's looking for.
379
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:04,999
Okay.
380
00:16:05,068 --> 00:16:07,698
Well,
we're gonna
miss you, Brian.
381
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:16,098
NEW BRIAN:
Hey, everybody,
let's watch this tape.
382
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:18,399
Okay, now
there's the midget
just sitting there.
383
00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:20,165
Now watch the left
side of the screen.
384
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:21,698
BILL COSBY:
I'm in a bad mood,
385
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:23,498
and I'm gonna
take it out on you!
386
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:26,232
LOIS: Oh, my God!
Well, he's obviously drunk.
387
00:16:26,301 --> 00:16:28,265
MAN: You're hurting me!
388
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:31,098
BILL COSBY: About which
I do not care very much.
389
00:16:38,134 --> 00:16:40,099
Pancake?
Just a small one, thanks.
390
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,599
My God,
these are the best
pancakes I've ever had!
391
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:46,432
And I've been to IHOP.
392
00:16:46,501 --> 00:16:48,932
These are the best
pancakes I've ever
had!
393
00:16:49,001 --> 00:16:50,865
And I've been to Applebee's.
394
00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:53,499
These are the best
pancakes I've ever
had!
395
00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:55,365
And I've been to Denny's.
396
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:57,865
These pancakes are okay.
397
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,999
Boy,
I bet Brian would
love these pancakes.
398
00:17:01,068 --> 00:17:02,299
I wonder where he is.
399
00:17:02,434 --> 00:17:03,432
He's next door
with Cleveland.
400
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,565
I saw him on my
morning paper route.
401
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,564
You know,
I appreciate you
letting me stay with you,
402
00:17:08,633 --> 00:17:11,865
but I'm perfectly capable
of going to the bathroom
by myself.
403
00:17:11,934 --> 00:17:14,331
Sorry,
but there's a leash
law in this neighborhood,
404
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,133
and you never know
who's watching.
405
00:17:18,634 --> 00:17:20,498
(EVIL LAUGH)
406
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:23,966
I'm watching you make stool.
407
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,999
Hey, New Brian.
I see you're
having pie.
408
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:34,865
You know,
pie isn't really
pie without Cool Whip.
409
00:17:34,934 --> 00:17:38,165
Everything's better
with Cool Whip.
410
00:17:38,234 --> 00:17:40,298
Did you hear what I said?
Yeah. What about it?
411
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,465
It doesn't bother you
the way I pronounce it?
412
00:17:42,534 --> 00:17:44,499
Cool Whip?
No. Why would it?
413
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:46,965
Cool Whip.
I'm putting
emphasis on the "H."
414
00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:48,298
Sounds right to me.
415
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:49,965
Nothing ever bothers you,
does it?
416
00:17:50,034 --> 00:17:52,364
No, not really.
I like everything.
417
00:17:52,433 --> 00:17:55,332
God, he's
a bigger buzzkill
than Buzz Killington.
418
00:17:55,400 --> 00:18:01,698
Stewie, do you know
why W.S. Gilbert was
frequently drunk on his
419
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,898
transatlantic crossings?
420
00:18:03,967 --> 00:18:05,232
No.
421
00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:09,332
Because he
was quartered
on the port side.
422
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,898
(CHUCKLES)
423
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:13,765
Now that I've got you,
424
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:18,632
let's both revisit the birth
of The D'Oyly Carte Opera
Company.
425
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:19,698
(SIGHS)
426
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:29,198
♪ Everybody hurts
427
00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:30,898
Two, three...
428
00:18:30,967 --> 00:18:33,998
♪ Sometimes ♪
429
00:18:34,067 --> 00:18:35,331
(ALL LAUGHING)
430
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,532
Okay,
New Brian,
you're next!
431
00:18:37,601 --> 00:18:39,699
(LAUGHS) Oh, no. Oh, boy.
432
00:18:39,767 --> 00:18:41,799
All right, well,
I can't do this
alone.
433
00:18:41,867 --> 00:18:44,199
Lois,
I'm gonna need
your help here.
434
00:18:44,268 --> 00:18:46,965
Oh, my God. Okay.
435
00:18:47,034 --> 00:18:49,865
Rita Coolidge's
less-talented
sister here.
436
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:51,599
(ALL LAUGH)
437
00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:53,499
In what way
is that a joke?
438
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,999
Okay, you start.
439
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,199
All right.
I don't know...
440
00:18:57,268 --> 00:18:58,565
Am I blue
or am I red?
This is crazy.
441
00:18:58,633 --> 00:18:59,966
You're blue.
You're blue.
442
00:19:00,034 --> 00:19:01,565
Okay, I'll do it, then.
443
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:05,698
♪ Summer lovin'
had me a blast
444
00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:09,332
♪ Summer lovin'
happened so fast
445
00:19:09,401 --> 00:19:13,166
♪ I met a girl,
that's you, crazy for me
446
00:19:13,234 --> 00:19:17,299
♪ I met a boy,
he's as cute as can be
447
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:20,198
♪ Summer days driftin' away
♪ Summer days driftin' away
448
00:19:20,266 --> 00:19:22,865
♪ To uh-oh those summer nights
♪ To uh-oh those summer nights
449
00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:25,065
♪ Oh,
well-a, well-a, well-a, uh
450
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:27,065
♪ Tell me more,
tell me more ♪
451
00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:31,799
Thanks for letting
me stay here, Glenn.
I hope I'm not in the way.
452
00:19:31,868 --> 00:19:36,832
No, no,
it should be fine.
But, listen, Brian,
453
00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:39,599
I'm gonna be bringing
a Puerto Rican girl
over here later.
454
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:42,265
And she's super
hot and real nice,
455
00:19:42,333 --> 00:19:47,865
but when she was five
years old, her dad ran over
one of her legs with his van,
456
00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:50,199
and it's still
kind of messed up
457
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:52,665
in a pretty obvious,
instantly visible way.
458
00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:55,232
Please don't say anything.
459
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,998
And try to make
eye contact with her
when she wobbles in,
460
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,965
because I want this to work.
461
00:20:00,034 --> 00:20:01,532
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
462
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,832
I'm serious, Brian.
That leg is a train wreck.
463
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,898
I mean,
she herself
is so pretty,
464
00:20:05,967 --> 00:20:09,232
but that thing
just looks like
a string of sausages
465
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,232
with one empty casing in it.
I get it.
466
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:12,865
I mean,
it's quite
a sight, you know?
467
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:14,866
I mean,
when she's not looking,
you should take a look at it,
468
00:20:14,934 --> 00:20:16,732
but, good God, be discreet.
469
00:20:16,801 --> 00:20:19,298
Yeah,
I'll check that out.
470
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:21,832
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
471
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,532
Stewie,
what are you doing here?
472
00:20:24,601 --> 00:20:26,632
Brian,
you gotta come back.
Why?
473
00:20:26,701 --> 00:20:29,898
Because
New Brian
is such a tool.
474
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:33,332
I mean, he's so damn sweet
and saccharine and perfect,
475
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,765
and he's
turning the family
into a bunch of douches.
476
00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:38,365
Big deal.
You always told
me I was a douche.
477
00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:43,032
Yeah, but you were
my douche, Brian.
My douche.
478
00:20:43,101 --> 00:20:45,431
Come back and
be my douche
again.
479
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:47,832
Hi, I'm looking for Glenn?
480
00:20:47,901 --> 00:20:49,398
Oh!
What happened to your leg?
481
00:20:49,466 --> 00:20:51,032
(CRYING)
482
00:20:52,268 --> 00:20:53,765
Damn it, Brian!
483
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:55,365
Come back home, Brian.
484
00:20:55,433 --> 00:20:57,765
I tell you what.
When this is all over,
I'll make you some pie
485
00:20:57,834 --> 00:20:59,465
with a nice dollop
of Cool Whip.
486
00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:01,999
There it is again.
Why are you putting so
much emphasis on the "H"?
487
00:21:02,068 --> 00:21:05,465
(SIGHS)
That's exactly why
I miss you, Brian.
488
00:21:05,534 --> 00:21:08,932
Forget it. I'm not going
back as long as that new
dog is there.
489
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:12,532
As long as he's
a part of that family,
there's no place for me.
490
00:21:12,601 --> 00:21:14,032
Well,
I can't say
I blame you.
491
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,932
I hate him as much
as you do, Brian.
492
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,932
He's a bad fit,
like a crocodile
at an alligator rally.
493
00:21:20,001 --> 00:21:22,732
Yeah!
Lurking in the water
with our eyes poking out!
494
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,365
Yeah!
Yeah!
495
00:21:24,434 --> 00:21:26,998
Sneaking up on
a crane or an egret
and snapping our jaws on it!
496
00:21:27,067 --> 00:21:28,565
Yeah!
Yeah!
497
00:21:28,634 --> 00:21:32,032
And sometimes walking out
onto a dry plain or dusty
field
498
00:21:32,101 --> 00:21:34,965
because
it's nice to get out of
the swamp now and then!
499
00:21:35,034 --> 00:21:36,199
Yeah.
Yeah.
500
00:21:37,134 --> 00:21:38,199
What?
501
00:21:38,268 --> 00:21:40,999
Dry plain?
Dusty field?
502
00:21:41,067 --> 00:21:42,631
Nice
to get out
of the swamp?
503
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:44,531
What a croc!
504
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,698
And that's where
we get the term.
505
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:53,865
Hey, New Brian.
506
00:21:53,934 --> 00:21:55,765
Bad news.
You gotta leave.
507
00:21:55,834 --> 00:21:57,032
Huh?
What are you
talking about?
508
00:21:57,101 --> 00:21:58,165
This is my home.
509
00:21:58,233 --> 00:21:59,731
Nobody likes you here, man.
510
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,265
Well, I disagree.
I think everybody
likes me.
511
00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:03,665
No, we don't.
512
00:22:03,734 --> 00:22:06,166
We don't like your cooking,
your stupid karaoke nights,
513
00:22:06,233 --> 00:22:09,398
and we especially don't like
the way you hump that chair
in the den.
514
00:22:09,466 --> 00:22:11,831
Well, Rupert seems
to like my humping.
515
00:22:12,734 --> 00:22:14,332
What did you say?
Rupert.
516
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,332
Humped him for
two hours yesterday.
517
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,265
He just laid there
and took it.
518
00:22:18,967 --> 00:22:20,732
Did he?
Yeah.
519
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,432
And now every time
you're sleeping with him,
he's gonna be thinking of me.
520
00:22:36,767 --> 00:22:39,732
"And that is why
I killed myself,
chopped myself up
521
00:22:39,801 --> 00:22:41,565
"and put myself
in the garbage."
522
00:22:41,634 --> 00:22:43,332
Wow,
he must've
had some demons.
523
00:22:43,401 --> 00:22:45,899
My God, suicide.
524
00:22:45,968 --> 00:22:48,265
How could we
have misjudged
him so severely?
525
00:22:48,334 --> 00:22:50,632
Oftentimes,
it's the ones who
seem the happiest.
526
00:22:50,701 --> 00:22:53,631
Well,
the upside is, at least
we have our old Brian back.
527
00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:57,432
From now on, buddy, you're
the only animal I care about.
528
00:22:57,501 --> 00:23:00,765
Hey, everybody,
I'm Bernie the hamster.
529
00:23:00,834 --> 00:23:02,631
Would you like
to be my friend?
530
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:04,331
Oh, my God!
531
00:23:05,366 --> 00:23:07,365
It's okay, Peter.
532
00:23:07,434 --> 00:23:09,399
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's a hamster!
533
00:23:11,567 --> 00:23:13,132
(WATER RUNNING)
534
00:23:13,201 --> 00:23:16,298
We'll talk about it
when you want to
talk about it.
535
00:23:16,367 --> 00:23:21,231
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.