1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:06,132
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,201 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:13,032
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,101 --> 00:00:16,099
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,167 --> 00:00:19,331
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,632
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:24,365
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,434 --> 00:00:26,065
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,133 --> 00:00:30,966
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:40,965
Griffin, I need you to run
these shipping reports
upstairs to the CEO.
11
00:00:41,034 --> 00:00:44,131
There's nothing fun or
entertaining about that.
12
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,365
Maybe if
I walk down the hall
with a wisecracking rabbi.
13
00:00:47,434 --> 00:00:49,265
Do you charge a lot
for your circumcisions?
14
00:00:49,333 --> 00:00:51,098
No, I just
keep the tips.
15
00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:52,498
(LAUGHING)
16
00:00:52,567 --> 00:00:55,665
All right,
where's the
CEO's office?
17
00:00:55,734 --> 00:00:59,665
I've always wanted to
see the inside of the
executive bathroom.
18
00:01:03,867 --> 00:01:05,365
Executive bathroom, sir?
19
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:06,865
Yes.
20
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,464
Right this way.
21
00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:20,931
So where is this
executive bathroom?
22
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,398
There.
23
00:01:22,467 --> 00:01:24,832
(JURASSIC PARK THEME PLAYING)
24
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:43,032
Welcome
to Executive
Bathroom Island.
25
00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:51,399
Well, this is peaceful.
26
00:01:55,001 --> 00:01:56,465
Good morning, Lois.
27
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:58,998
Wow,
Peter, since when do you
get so dressed up for work?
28
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:01,798
Since I got tired
of getting nowhere
in this world, Lois.
29
00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:04,898
I have decided to
do whatever it takes
to become an executive.
30
00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:07,531
Well, it would certainly be
great if you got a promotion.
31
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,066
You'd earn more
money, get better
health insurance...
32
00:02:10,134 --> 00:02:12,365
Lois,
I am doing this
for the bathroom.
33
00:02:12,434 --> 00:02:15,999
And I'm not giving up on my
dream, like I did with that
indoor hot-air balloon.
34
00:02:20,034 --> 00:02:21,999
PETER: And away we go.
35
00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:33,165
No, no, no, no, no, no!
36
00:02:33,233 --> 00:02:34,698
I can't feel my legs!
37
00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:36,265
JOE:
Welcome to
the party, pal.
38
00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:37,565
No, wait, there they are.
39
00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:38,632
(JOE GROANS)
40
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:41,932
♪ Call it hell,
call it heaven
41
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,364
♪ Call it hell,
call it heaven
42
00:02:43,433 --> 00:02:45,765
♪ It's a probable 12 to 7
♪ It's a probable 12 to 7
43
00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:47,798
♪ That the guy's only
doing it for some doll
44
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:49,799
♪ That the guy's only
doing it for some doll
45
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:51,565
♪ Some doll, some doll
♪ Some doll, some doll
46
00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:55,099
♪ The guy's only
doing it for some doll
47
00:02:55,168 --> 00:02:58,598
♪ The guy's only
doing it for some doll ♪
48
00:03:01,934 --> 00:03:04,298
Boy, it sure is great
to have you back in
town, Frank.
49
00:03:04,367 --> 00:03:06,198
Yeah, but
this place is dead.
50
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:08,065
I don't know. That one
guy seemed to like it.
51
00:03:08,134 --> 00:03:11,133
I like everything,
including ginger ale.
52
00:03:11,201 --> 00:03:15,465
(HISSING) That's my way
of ordering a ginger ale.
53
00:03:15,534 --> 00:03:18,231
Sorry I can't
pay you more, guys,
but business has been bad.
54
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:19,965
I'm
actually looking
to sell the joint.
55
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:23,599
You can't sell this place.
So few clubs play real
music anymore.
56
00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:25,832
Well, you wanna buy it?
I'll give you a good deal.
57
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,598
You know,
that's not a bad idea.
58
00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:29,832
Yeah, we could really
turn this place around.
59
00:03:29,901 --> 00:03:33,999
Play our cards right, it could
be bigger than the Apollo
Theater.
60
00:03:34,068 --> 00:03:37,698
All right, now, next up, we've
got the comedy stylings of
Kim Lee Sung!
61
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:39,132
Give it up!
62
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,065
How you doing tonight?
63
00:03:41,134 --> 00:03:43,499
So you ever notice when two
black guy come in your
convenience store
64
00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:45,698
and one go one way
and one go the
other way,
65
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,098
what they doing?
What they stealing?
66
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:48,398
Who with me?
67
00:03:48,467 --> 00:03:50,431
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
68
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,898
You stay out my store!
All you stay out my store.
69
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:54,399
I remember you face.
70
00:03:57,634 --> 00:03:59,498
Peter,
I want you
to retype those...
71
00:03:59,567 --> 00:04:02,331
Wow. What is this?
Have you been cleaning?
72
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,665
Yep, I'm working extra
hard so you'll promote
me.
73
00:04:04,734 --> 00:04:06,331
Well, based on
your track record,
74
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,631
you'll understand if I
have trouble believing
you.
75
00:04:08,701 --> 00:04:11,832
Believe it, Angela. I hate
being just a cog around here.
76
00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:14,665
Almost as much as I hate
homeless people asking
me for money.
77
00:04:15,467 --> 00:04:17,465
Spare some change?
Sure.
78
00:04:18,434 --> 00:04:19,965
You didn't put
anything in there.
79
00:04:20,034 --> 00:04:21,198
Yes, I did.
80
00:04:21,267 --> 00:04:24,099
I put hope in there.
Hope.
81
00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:26,498
Don't spend it all
in one place, Raggy.
82
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,766
Griffin,
what the hell is this?
83
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,398
It's a robot that I built
to save this company money.
84
00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:37,665
Now, before you say anything,
one, it has no human emotions,
85
00:04:37,734 --> 00:04:41,231
and two,
its prime directive
is never to harm people.
86
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,332
Oh, God,
it's harming people!
87
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,465
ROBOT: Angry! Angry!
88
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:48,032
Oh, God! It's got
human emotions, too!
89
00:04:49,301 --> 00:04:50,399
It's using tools!
90
00:04:50,467 --> 00:04:52,932
It's learning, Angela!
It's learning!
Run!
91
00:04:56,767 --> 00:04:57,865
What do you want, Griffin?
92
00:04:57,934 --> 00:04:59,632
Angela,
look out your window.
93
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,699
You see that Anheuser-Busch
billboard next to the
children's hospital?
94
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:04,298
Well, watch this.
95
00:05:06,235 --> 00:05:10,365
Oh, God!
Oh, my God,
this is horrible.
96
00:05:10,433 --> 00:05:13,365
Oh, God.
That's terrible.
97
00:05:13,434 --> 00:05:15,832
Oh, good Lord, save them.
Bless their...
98
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,832
Oh, okay.
Yeah! There we go.
99
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:18,932
All right,
everything worked out.
100
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:26,165
MAN ON TV: We now
return to Matt Damon
and Leonardo DiCaprio
101
00:05:26,233 --> 00:05:28,032
in The Detarded.
102
00:05:28,101 --> 00:05:29,598
You're under arrest.
103
00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:31,865
No, you're under arrest.
104
00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:33,366
(BOTH GIGGLING)
105
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:39,032
Stewie, guess what.
106
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:42,432
Frank and I just closed a deal
to buy the Quahog Cabana Club.
107
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,365
Oh, wow, Brian,
what else are you doing
that's terrible and stupid?
108
00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:46,698
Just wait.
In a few weeks,
109
00:05:46,768 --> 00:05:48,898
that club will be
the hottest spot
in Quahog.
110
00:05:48,967 --> 00:05:50,632
You're deluding yourself.
111
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,966
You're gonna fail faster than
John Madden's wedding video
business.
112
00:05:56,567 --> 00:05:58,366
MADDEN: Boom! There's
your groom over here.
113
00:05:58,434 --> 00:06:00,466
Boom!
You got your
bride right here.
114
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:03,032
A lot of people say
that Stacy's no good,
115
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:06,198
and that she's slept with
this guy, and done that guy
116
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:09,265
and even did some
hand work on this guy,
but I'll tell you something,
117
00:06:09,333 --> 00:06:12,032
that experience is gonna work
in her favor late in the game.
118
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:13,731
You know who had a heck
of a wedding? Brett Favre.
119
00:06:19,034 --> 00:06:20,732
Griffin,
I've got good news.
120
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,965
A management-level position
has become available,
121
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:25,965
and I've seen
that you've been
working very hard lately.
122
00:06:26,034 --> 00:06:28,231
I am recommending
you for a promotion.
123
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,932
Will I get to use
the executive bathroom?
124
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,598
Of course.
125
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:34,698
Holy crap!
You know, last week I ate
a fortune cookie that said,
126
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:37,798
"Obvious lesbian
will bring great
news."
127
00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:40,798
It also said a grand
piano will fall on me.
128
00:06:43,201 --> 00:06:46,166
Well, good day to you.
And I will...
129
00:06:47,268 --> 00:06:50,065
Yeah, I mean, we're...
We're done.
130
00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:52,665
Just squeeze by you here.
131
00:06:57,001 --> 00:07:00,165
Is this where I get
the poop pass to use
the executive bathroom?
132
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:02,066
Sit down, Mr. Griffin.
We need to talk.
133
00:07:02,134 --> 00:07:04,531
Okay, well, make it fast
'cause I'm starting to
crown.
134
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:08,165
Mr. Griffin, all
our executives require
a high school education.
135
00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:11,232
And your file
says that you never
passed the third grade.
136
00:07:11,301 --> 00:07:14,264
If you want this promotion,
you're going to have to go
back and finish.
137
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:15,598
Well, that sounds hilarious,
138
00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:17,499
but it also sounds
like it might take
a while.
139
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,165
I'm afraid
that's your
only option.
140
00:07:19,234 --> 00:07:22,932
Well, I mean,
if that's what I got
to do, then I guess I...
141
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:28,932
Next time you get
a fortune cookie,
don't open it.
142
00:07:29,701 --> 00:07:31,465
(ACCORDION PLAYING)
143
00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:42,265
Bye, you guys.
Have fun at school.
144
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:43,832
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
145
00:07:43,901 --> 00:07:45,631
Oh, Peter,
stop pouting.
146
00:07:45,701 --> 00:07:48,965
All you got to do is finish
third grade and you'll get
that promotion.
147
00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:51,166
(GROANING) This is gonna
be a bigger pain in the
ass
148
00:07:51,233 --> 00:07:54,298
than getting
into a last clap
contest with Cleveland.
149
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:57,432
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Quahog Men's Chorus.
150
00:08:06,101 --> 00:08:08,165
Hey, hey, hey.
Clap one more
time,
151
00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:10,732
you're
not coming
to my birthday.
152
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,099
Who did that?
QUAGMIRE: Giggity.
153
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:16,798
Good morning, class.
154
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:18,998
Starting today,
we have a new student.
155
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,932
Peter, would you like
to introduce yourself?
156
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,632
Hi. My name's Peter Griffin.
157
00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:27,665
I was actually in third
grade a long time ago,
but I never finished.
158
00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:30,199
Back then,
we had a teacher
named Mrs. Wilson.
159
00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:32,899
Except
we had this funny
little nickname for her.
160
00:08:32,968 --> 00:08:36,332
We called her Mrs. "Killson"
'cause she had an abortion.
161
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:37,765
I know, I know,
it's kind of silly,
162
00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,565
but we were, you know,
we were just a bunch
of kids.
163
00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:41,498
I'm sorry, go ahead,
Mrs...
164
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:44,198
Wilson. Thank you, Peter.
165
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:47,099
Why don't you
sit over there,
next to Omar?
166
00:08:48,234 --> 00:08:49,932
Omar is our top student,
167
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,698
and we're hoping
he'll lead us
to victory
168
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:54,598
next week in
the district
spelling bee.
169
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,765
What are you doing in
our class? You're old.
170
00:08:56,834 --> 00:08:58,132
Are you stupid
or something?
171
00:08:58,201 --> 00:08:59,966
Picking on the new kid,
huh?
172
00:09:00,034 --> 00:09:02,598
Well,
at least my parents
didn't name me Gaymar!
173
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,365
(LAUGHING)
174
00:09:04,434 --> 00:09:07,698
Wow, I never knew you could
make fun of someone for
being homosexual.
175
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:10,232
And by
laughing at other
people's sexuality,
176
00:09:10,301 --> 00:09:12,198
somehow I feel
better about my own.
177
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,266
Hey, Brian,
where are all the people?
178
00:09:21,334 --> 00:09:23,598
They'll be here, Frank.
We just got to give
them time.
179
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:26,398
And wouldn't you know it,
there's our first customer.
180
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:29,332
I'll entertain him while
we wait for more to arrive.
181
00:09:29,401 --> 00:09:31,565
So thanks for coming.
How you doing tonight?
182
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:33,465
Good.
183
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:35,099
Glad to hear it.
Any requests?
184
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:37,765
Play On the Dark Side
185
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:41,365
by John Cafferty
and the Beaver Brown Band.
186
00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:42,866
Give it up, Brian.
187
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:45,999
No one wants to go to
a stupid big band
club anymore.
188
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:48,565
You know, I could help you
make some changes around
here
189
00:09:48,633 --> 00:09:49,965
that would
bring in customers.
190
00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:51,799
You know, Brian,
we should give
Stewie a shot.
191
00:09:51,867 --> 00:09:52,899
It can't hurt.
192
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:54,965
Well,
what'd you
have in mind?
193
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:57,565
Just trust me, Brian.
I know exactly what
to do.
194
00:09:57,634 --> 00:09:58,765
You've got to
be aggressive,
195
00:09:58,834 --> 00:10:00,731
even more aggressive
than Michael Jackson's
196
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,999
treatment of his
own groin on stage.
197
00:10:05,435 --> 00:10:06,765
(GRUNTING)
198
00:10:11,201 --> 00:10:12,199
(WHOOPS)
199
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:18,199
(SCREAMING)
200
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:22,765
Thank you.
201
00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:29,365
All right, Susie,
what have you brought
in for show-and-tell?
202
00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:32,765
This is my Malibu Barbie doll
that I got for Christmas this
year.
203
00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:36,732
She comes with a hairbrush,
a pocketbook and two
different dresses.
204
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:40,431
Oh, my God.
Who the hell cares?
205
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:43,832
Peter,
I would like to remind you
that you are in a classroom.
206
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,165
Not for long.
207
00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:49,332
Can I help you, sir?
208
00:10:49,401 --> 00:10:51,132
Hi there.
My name's
Glenn Griffin.
209
00:10:51,201 --> 00:10:53,399
I'm here
to pick up my son
Peter for a ball game...
210
00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:54,665
Doctor's appointment.
211
00:10:54,733 --> 00:10:57,032
Peter is your son?
That is affirmative.
212
00:10:57,101 --> 00:11:00,665
Because
you look a lot more
like that child over there.
213
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,398
Daddy?
Oh, God!
214
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:07,865
Daddy?
Oh, God!
215
00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:12,532
Papa?
Oh, God!
216
00:11:14,968 --> 00:11:16,365
Hey, there are no
kids in here, right?
217
00:11:16,433 --> 00:11:17,765
Nope. Just me.
218
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:19,598
Oh, thank God.
219
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:21,398
You wanna have
unprotected sex?
220
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:22,932
Hmm...
221
00:11:23,001 --> 00:11:23,999
(EXCLAIMING)
222
00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:31,965
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
223
00:11:37,466 --> 00:11:39,765
What the hell did
Stewie do to this
place?
224
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:42,532
Hey, get a load of
Maynard G. Krebs
over here.
225
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,565
He's rubbing the
records with his
hand.
226
00:11:44,633 --> 00:11:47,165
Hey, hey,
you're gonna
ruin that, you know.
227
00:11:47,233 --> 00:11:49,765
Well, I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have
called you a name.
228
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:52,765
Here, take some of
these for your 45s.
229
00:11:52,834 --> 00:11:55,632
You can't play your 45s
without these little
yellow things.
230
00:11:55,701 --> 00:11:58,432
What'll they
make you buy next?
231
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,665
Hey, hey,
there they are!
232
00:12:00,734 --> 00:12:01,966
Stewie,
what is all this?
233
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,899
What did you do
to the Cabana Club?
234
00:12:04,967 --> 00:12:06,165
We don't call it the
Cabana Club anymore,
Frank.
235
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:09,032
It's now
called pLace.
Little "p", big "L".
236
00:12:09,101 --> 00:12:12,565
Congratulations.
You two now own the
hottest spot in town.
237
00:12:12,634 --> 00:12:14,332
Wow, that's a lot of people.
238
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,398
I hope we have enough rye.
239
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:17,831
How'd you pay for all this?
240
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:20,732
I got a job as
a field reporter
for Channel 5 News.
241
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:22,765
And all
the juice is being
collected underneath?
242
00:12:22,834 --> 00:12:24,665
Yes, and whoever
collects the most
243
00:12:24,734 --> 00:12:26,765
is gonna win a free
weekend here at the
chateau
244
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:29,198
with international
foods and wine tastings.
245
00:12:29,267 --> 00:12:30,332
Stop!
246
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,499
(STEWIE EXCLAIMS)
247
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:32,565
(THUDS)
248
00:12:32,634 --> 00:12:34,832
(STEWIE SCREAMING)
249
00:12:40,734 --> 00:12:43,165
I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!
250
00:12:43,234 --> 00:12:44,798
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
251
00:12:44,867 --> 00:12:47,632
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, gosh,
I hope he's all right.
252
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,832
Well, we'll have to send
someone to make sure
that he is.
253
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,199
Hey, Omar,
want a Hertz Donut?
254
00:12:56,268 --> 00:12:57,699
Okay.
255
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:01,665
Hurts, don't it? Dumbass.
256
00:13:01,734 --> 00:13:05,331
Wow, he effectively silenced
Omar by hitting him in the
face.
257
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,632
My dad hits me.
258
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:09,465
But I bet if I hit others,
the pain stops.
259
00:13:09,533 --> 00:13:12,399
Someday, I'll use what
I've learned here on
my wife.
260
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,799
Peter,
is this your homework?
261
00:13:14,867 --> 00:13:17,266
Hold on.
Let me take out
my reading glasses.
262
00:13:19,101 --> 00:13:21,198
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, that's mine.
263
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:22,831
I could flunk
you for this,
264
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,732
but "buttlickers" is
a three-syllable word.
265
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,065
Not even Omar
can spell those.
266
00:13:28,134 --> 00:13:31,665
So you're joining him at
next week's district
spelling bee.
267
00:13:31,733 --> 00:13:33,698
If you lead our
school to victory,
268
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,699
I'll let you
pass third grade.
269
00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:37,732
But if you lose, you fail.
270
00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:39,599
I accept that challenge.
271
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:42,532
Late '70s
Bruce Jenner,
take me home.
272
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:43,898
Hop on, Peter.
273
00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:52,999
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
274
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,565
So, Brian,
how's it feel to own
the coolest club in Quahog?
275
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,731
You think
this is cool?
Look at these people.
276
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,898
I'd rather
go bankrupt than cater to
pretentious jerks like this.
277
00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:11,398
Whoa,
Brian, slow down, man.
We're making money now.
278
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:14,865
And besides,
this place ain't all bad.
279
00:14:14,934 --> 00:14:16,598
Hey, you girls thirsty?
280
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:18,932
Could I interest you
in a couple of Rob Roys?
281
00:14:19,001 --> 00:14:20,265
What's a Rob Roy?
282
00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:23,099
Only the drink of
Mr. Peter Lawford.
283
00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:24,565
Who's Peter Lawford?
284
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:26,732
What am
I hitting on,
Lou Costello here?
285
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:28,398
Who's Lou Costello?
286
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:32,231
Sorry,
my friend's a little
new to the club scene.
287
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:34,765
Geez,
what the hell's
with these broads?
288
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:37,531
Look at you two.
Tuxes in a nightclub?
289
00:14:37,601 --> 00:14:41,032
God, you're more
out of place than Prince
was on The Price Is Right.
290
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:43,665
And what's your
bid on the dining
room set, Prince?
291
00:14:43,733 --> 00:14:45,298
(SOFTLY) $350.
I'm sorry?
292
00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:46,364
(SOFTLY) $350.
293
00:14:46,433 --> 00:14:47,932
Can you speak up, please?
294
00:14:48,001 --> 00:14:49,665
(SOFTLY) $350.
295
00:14:49,734 --> 00:14:55,098
All right. And the
actual retail price of
the dining room set is $350.
296
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:56,266
(SOFTLY) Yay.
297
00:15:00,301 --> 00:15:01,565
(SNORING)
298
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,766
Peter, wake up!
Who? What?
299
00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:06,999
Lois.
I just had
the weirdest dream
300
00:15:07,068 --> 00:15:09,331
that Lewis Black told
jokes that were so funny,
301
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,732
he had to shout them
so everyone could hear.
302
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:14,832
Peter,
you got to stay awake.
The spelling bee's tomorrow!
303
00:15:14,901 --> 00:15:16,532
But, Lois, I'm scared.
304
00:15:16,601 --> 00:15:19,198
There's
no way I can compete
against those other kids.
305
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:21,398
It's like trying to
beat schpupel champion
306
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:24,232
Fjurg Van Der Ploeg
at a game of schpupel.
307
00:15:24,301 --> 00:15:25,765
(CROWD CHEERING)
308
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:34,832
Schpupel!
309
00:15:35,533 --> 00:15:36,699
(GROANING)
310
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:38,265
Don't be sad, Peter.
311
00:15:38,334 --> 00:15:40,065
That's why they
call it "schpupel."
312
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:44,731
God, we look like idiots.
313
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,798
Hey, hey,
that's more like it!
Where'd you get the threads?
314
00:15:47,867 --> 00:15:49,532
We went to Barney's.
315
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,698
I heard that's where all
the famous people shop
for skinny-leg jeans.
316
00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:55,999
Whoa! These
are the tightest,
penis-compressingest,
317
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:59,698
sperm-killingest,
testicle-grippingest
jeans I ever tried on!
318
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:03,065
Brian, Frank, meet
Dakota and New Bedford.
319
00:16:03,134 --> 00:16:04,932
Hey, how's it
hanging, Dakota?
320
00:16:05,001 --> 00:16:06,332
What's up, New Bedford?
321
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,465
You look like rappers,
but you're not black,
322
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,765
so that's the
perfect amount of danger.
323
00:16:10,834 --> 00:16:12,565
Oh, God.
Hey, listen, you guys
get to know each other.
324
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:14,966
Looks like my doorman
let another gazelle
in here.
325
00:16:16,334 --> 00:16:18,065
I'm sorry, but we've
been over this before.
326
00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:19,765
We don't serve
your kind here.
327
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:21,432
You're gonna
hear from my lawyer.
328
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,032
Yeah, you know,
I would welcome that.
329
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,532
I would welcome the
opportunity to hear
from a lawyer
330
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:26,932
that represents a gazelle.
331
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,532
What's his name?
332
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,066
Yeah,
I don't have a lawyer.
333
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:35,232
And I'll
tell you something
about Dean Martin.
334
00:16:35,301 --> 00:16:36,865
He was
the only guy
on a golf course
335
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:39,432
who had a five-iron
with a cork on the
end of it.
336
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:45,632
So who wants to come back to
the hotel and take a whack
at my genitals?
337
00:16:45,701 --> 00:16:46,998
Cool!
Awesome!
338
00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:48,765
All right,
we got a ball game.
339
00:16:48,834 --> 00:16:51,631
Hang on, girls. I'll get
you a couple appletinis.
340
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,398
This is going great, Frank.
341
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:57,032
This club and these clothes,
my God, there's nothing
that can stop us.
342
00:16:57,101 --> 00:17:01,965
(SHOUTING)
Hey, party people,
I'm ready to get 86ed!
343
00:17:02,034 --> 00:17:03,999
Andy Dick?
Oh, no!
344
00:17:04,068 --> 00:17:05,532
Come on!
Let's get out of here!
345
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,565
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
346
00:17:09,867 --> 00:17:11,632
What the hell
just happened?
347
00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:13,432
Andy Dick happened.
348
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,265
As soon as that guy
shows up any place,
349
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:16,532
it gets a worse rap
than John Wilkes Booth.
350
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:19,332
(LAUGHING)
351
00:17:22,001 --> 00:17:24,166
Stupid hat. Damn it!
352
00:17:24,234 --> 00:17:26,332
I paid 15 cents
for this ticket.
353
00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:29,832
No, he didn't!
354
00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:32,198
Christ,
could he be
any more annoying?
355
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:33,832
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
356
00:17:33,901 --> 00:17:37,632
Oh, hey, it's Tom!
Tommy!
357
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:39,765
Hey, hey,
I hear you took
that black chick home.
358
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,665
Hey, hey,
you're welcome.
359
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:55,066
Our next spelling bee
contestant is Omar
Maharjarifa...
360
00:17:55,134 --> 00:17:56,631
Something
September 11th-y.
361
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,398
All right, Omar,
your word is "candy."
362
00:17:59,467 --> 00:18:03,164
Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.
363
00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:06,598
That's correct. Our next
contestant is Peter Griffin.
364
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:09,832
Peter, your word is "tree."
365
00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:11,398
Can you use it in
a sentence, please?
366
00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:13,798
There is a tree by the lake.
367
00:18:13,867 --> 00:18:16,365
Can you use it in
a dirty sentence?
368
00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:19,032
I like to bring
transient hookers
to the old oak tree,
369
00:18:19,101 --> 00:18:20,832
where I asphyxiate myself
370
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:23,398
at the same time
I'm watching them
have sex with each other.
371
00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:25,698
T-R-E-E. Tree.
Correct.
372
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,832
We're now down to our
final two competitors,
373
00:18:31,901 --> 00:18:34,198
Peter Griffin and
Omar North Tower.
374
00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:38,331
Omar,
you'll be going first.
Your word is "coagulate."
375
00:18:39,001 --> 00:18:44,699
C-O-A-G-A...
376
00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:46,431
(BUZZER RINGING)
377
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,066
Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar.
Bet you could spell
"box cutter."
378
00:18:49,134 --> 00:18:51,532
I'm nine years
old and I'm Indian.
379
00:18:51,601 --> 00:18:53,065
(GROANS)
380
00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:54,565
All right, Peter,
if you spell your
next word correctly,
381
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,665
you win the competition.
382
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,999
Your word is "lesbians."
383
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,398
Can you use it in a sentence?
384
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:04,999
The two lesbians
are going shopping.
385
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:06,465
Can you use it in
a dirty sentence?
386
00:19:06,533 --> 00:19:07,731
The two lesbians
are going shopping
387
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:08,799
for double-headed
marital aids.
388
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,499
Damn.
389
00:19:16,034 --> 00:19:18,598
Wait. Can you use it
in a libelous sentence?
390
00:19:18,667 --> 00:19:21,598
Gillian Anderson and
Helen Hunt are lesbians.
391
00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:23,899
L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S.
Correct!
392
00:19:23,968 --> 00:19:25,531
(CHEERING)
393
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,698
I did it, Lois!
My God, I did it!
394
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,165
You sure did, Peter.
395
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,665
I'm so proud of you.
396
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,165
Way to go, Dad.
397
00:19:32,234 --> 00:19:33,899
Yeah, you're
a smart fella, Dad.
398
00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:35,399
And
you're a fart
smeller, Meg.
399
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:36,464
(FARTING)
400
00:19:36,533 --> 00:19:37,532
(SCREAMING)
401
00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:40,164
Let's go home.
402
00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:47,765
Angela, I did it.
I finished the third grade.
I'm ready for my promotion.
403
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:50,832
Griffin, you blew up
a children's hospital.
404
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,499
You're going to jail.
What?
405
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,932
What,
you think everyone
just forgot about that?
406
00:19:55,001 --> 00:19:58,798
There was an investigation,
fingerprints, forensic
reports.
407
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:02,965
Nineteen
children died, Peter,
and the FBI knows it was you.
408
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:12,133
Mr. Griffin, this court finds
you guilty and sentences you
to seven days in prison.
409
00:20:12,201 --> 00:20:13,932
You'll be out
next Sunday
at 9:00.
410
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:25,632
God, I can't believe we
bought these ridiculous
clothes
411
00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:27,364
for a club that
didn't even last.
412
00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:30,264
Hey,
come on, we had
a great 72-hour run,
413
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:32,331
and in this business
that's all you can
ask for.
414
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,531
Besides, I've already opened
a new club that's even more
exclusive than this one.
415
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:38,131
Really? Where is it?
416
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,398
Brian, it's so exclusive
that it doesn't even
have a location.
417
00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:43,999
It's in here. Human heart.
418
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,565
I think that's a beat
we can all dance to.
419
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:49,398
Wow.
I weirdly feel a lot better.
420
00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:52,699
Hey, Brian,
what do you say we
sing Stewie some real music?
421
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:53,965
Sounds good to me.
422
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:04,298
♪ On the western side
of Quahog
423
00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:07,865
♪ If you'd care to come along
424
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:11,465
♪ There's a club
that's so exclusive
425
00:21:11,534 --> 00:21:14,832
♪ That the line
is 10 miles long
426
00:21:14,901 --> 00:21:18,465
♪ Where the douchebags
come to party
427
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:21,966
♪ And to spend
their father's cash
428
00:21:22,034 --> 00:21:25,532
♪ Just to take
home slutty women
429
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,098
♪ And then wake up with a rash
430
00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:32,132
♪ Yeah, they wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up
431
00:21:32,201 --> 00:21:33,665
♪ With a rash
432
00:21:35,967 --> 00:21:39,698
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
433
00:21:39,767 --> 00:21:41,498
♪ Where
the wool-knit caps are tight
434
00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:43,265
♪ Where
the wool-knit caps are tight
435
00:21:43,333 --> 00:21:46,899
♪ And the guys in
hooded sweatshirts
436
00:21:46,968 --> 00:21:50,398
♪ Have forgotten
that they're white
437
00:21:50,467 --> 00:21:53,999
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
438
00:21:54,067 --> 00:21:55,799
♪ Where a dude
can pick a fight
439
00:21:55,867 --> 00:21:57,565
♪ Where a dude
can pick a fight
440
00:21:57,634 --> 00:22:02,598
♪ Over who takes home
That smoking Chinese
bar skank
441
00:22:04,734 --> 00:22:07,531
♪ On the right
442
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,298
♪ There's a throng
of trendy people
443
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:18,999
♪ And they're
stretched around the block
444
00:22:19,067 --> 00:22:22,432
♪ And there's one
unpleasant deaf guy
445
00:22:22,501 --> 00:22:25,198
♪ Who just really
shouldn't talk
446
00:22:25,266 --> 00:22:26,932
Vodka tonic, please.
447
00:22:27,001 --> 00:22:30,399
♪ There's a chick
who's kind of Persian
448
00:22:30,467 --> 00:22:33,965
♪ And a broad with zero fat
449
00:22:34,034 --> 00:22:37,598
♪ And a giant human monkey
450
00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:40,966
♪ Oh, no, wait,
that's Spencer Pratt
451
00:22:41,034 --> 00:22:42,698
♪ Yeah, you're right
452
00:22:44,334 --> 00:22:46,132
♪ That's Spencer Pratt
453
00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:51,731
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
454
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,198
♪ To a bathroom stall delight
♪ To a bathroom stall delight
455
00:22:55,266 --> 00:22:58,765
♪ Where a girl
will help you empty
456
00:22:58,833 --> 00:23:02,398
♪ Every last electrolyte
457
00:23:02,467 --> 00:23:05,931
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
♪ Take me out to pLace tonight
458
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,731
♪ Where there
ain't no cellulite
459
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,465
♪ Where there
ain't no cellulite
460
00:23:09,534 --> 00:23:10,932
♪ And we'll drink
ourselves insane
461
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,332
♪ And we'll drink
ourselves insane
462
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,132
♪ Until we're feeling
♪ Until we're feeling
463
00:23:16,334 --> 00:23:19,465
♪ Dynamite
♪ Dynamite ♪
464
00:23:25,001 --> 00:23:28,098
FRANK:
♪ It seems today
that all you see
465
00:23:28,167 --> 00:23:31,431
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
466
00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:34,999
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
467
00:23:35,068 --> 00:23:37,866
♪ On which we used to rely?
468
00:23:37,934 --> 00:23:41,066
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
469
00:23:41,135 --> 00:23:44,398
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
470
00:23:44,467 --> 00:23:46,265
♪ All the things that make us
471
00:23:46,333 --> 00:23:47,598
♪ Laugh and cry
472
00:23:47,667 --> 00:23:53,065
♪ He's a family guy ♪