1
00:00:03,001 --> 00:00:05,899
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,967 --> 00:00:09,198
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,266 --> 00:00:12,898
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,967 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,165
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,234 --> 00:00:25,899
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,968 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,333 --> 00:00:38,565
Hey, fellows,
you all set for
some paintball?
11
00:00:38,634 --> 00:00:40,298
You bet!
12
00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:42,998
I tell you, I know
something about paint.
I once met Jackson Pollock.
13
00:00:44,667 --> 00:00:46,632
How do you know when
you're done with
a painting?
14
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:48,999
How do you know when
you're done making
love?
15
00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:52,232
Oh, when you
wash your penis in
the sink and go to bed.
16
00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:54,865
God, Joe! Finally!
17
00:00:54,934 --> 00:00:56,599
Is your watch
paralyzed, too?
18
00:00:56,667 --> 00:00:58,431
Guys, I don't think
I can make it today.
19
00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:00,865
It's looking
like Bonnie might go
into labor any minute.
20
00:01:00,934 --> 00:01:02,932
So I think I should
stick close to home.
21
00:01:03,001 --> 00:01:04,565
It's your fault
for knocking her up.
22
00:01:04,634 --> 00:01:06,065
That's
why I always
use a condom.
23
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:09,232
(LAUGHING)
24
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:10,632
Sorry. I'm sorry.
25
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:12,599
I can't even say that
with a straight face.
26
00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:14,766
Sorry, fellows,
have a good time.
27
00:01:14,834 --> 00:01:16,032
Man, I am so
sick of this.
28
00:01:16,101 --> 00:01:17,765
Joe is just gonna
keep bailing on us
29
00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:20,166
until that baby comes
out of Bonnie's butt.
30
00:01:21,233 --> 00:01:22,464
Babies come out
of the butt, right?
31
00:01:22,533 --> 00:01:23,631
(HESITANTLY) Yeah.
32
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:25,364
Well, we are gonna
do something about
it.
33
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,565
We are
gonna figure out
a way to induce labor
34
00:01:27,633 --> 00:01:29,231
and make
Bonnie have that baby.
35
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:31,799
Yeah, the
sooner that kid comes out,
the sooner we get Joe back.
36
00:01:31,867 --> 00:01:33,665
Yeah, we're not
complete without Joe.
37
00:01:33,734 --> 00:01:35,932
You remember
when he bailed on us
for that trip to the spa
38
00:01:36,001 --> 00:01:38,432
and we had to find
another handicapped guy?
39
00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:41,765
God, Seamus.
I've never seen
you this naked.
40
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:44,832
(EXCLAIMS)
It's good to let the
old midsection breathe.
41
00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,966
What...
How the hell
are you alive?
42
00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:52,165
Hi, Peter,
how are you?
43
00:01:52,233 --> 00:01:54,265
Never mind that, Bonnie,
I'm here to induce birth.
44
00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:55,331
Follow me.
45
00:01:57,767 --> 00:02:00,032
Now,
I'm gonna put the TV
remote down by your feet,
46
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,865
and I'm gonna turn
on Two and a Half Men.
47
00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:03,799
If your baby isn't
totally brain-dead,
48
00:02:03,868 --> 00:02:05,699
it'll come rushing out
to change the channel.
49
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:09,298
And when he does,
I'll grab his hand
and yank him out of there.
50
00:02:09,366 --> 00:02:11,632
Peter, I don't think...
Shh. It's starting.
51
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:14,932
ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men
was filmed in front of a live
ostrich.
52
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,465
Boy, this stinks.
53
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:18,266
It's Friday night and
I don't have a date.
54
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:21,432
Well, then,
let me get you a number
from my little black book.
55
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:25,432
(CHORTLES)
56
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,799
All right,
that didn't work, so
it's time for Plan B.
57
00:02:27,868 --> 00:02:30,966
Guys, let's go down
to The Clam and drink
beer and watch sports.
58
00:02:31,034 --> 00:02:32,032
Definitely.
All right.
59
00:02:32,101 --> 00:02:33,265
You in, Joe?
60
00:02:33,334 --> 00:02:35,899
Yes, awesome!
That would be
splendid.
61
00:02:35,968 --> 00:02:37,732
Yeah, this isn't working out.
All right, sorry,
62
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,732
we'll pay you
for the full day,
but you can go home.
63
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,032
Damn right,
you're paying
for the full day!
64
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:45,131
Guys, Bonnie's
going into labor!
65
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,899
We gotta get her
to the hospital.
66
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,331
Quick, Peter,
get the car!
67
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,999
No way, I don't want
a pregnant mess in
my backseat.
68
00:02:51,068 --> 00:02:53,532
Oh, come on.
You're the guy
who soiled his pants
69
00:02:53,601 --> 00:02:55,932
while
test-driving
that sports car.
70
00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:57,165
(TIRES SCREECH)
71
00:02:57,234 --> 00:02:58,531
I don't want it.
72
00:03:02,001 --> 00:03:04,698
All right,
Mrs. Swanson.
You're doing fine.
73
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,198
Hey, Peter,
don't you want
to watch this?
74
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:07,831
It's a beautiful
miracle of nature.
75
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,365
I can't look.
76
00:03:09,433 --> 00:03:11,498
I didn't look
when Lois gave birth
and I can't look now.
77
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,231
You can
just tell me
what it looks like.
78
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,632
You ever
see a horse
blink his eye?
79
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,832
Okay,
Mrs. Swanson,
you're almost there.
80
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:20,531
Push! Push!
81
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,665
Get out of there!
Get the hell out of my
wife, you little bastard!
82
00:03:23,733 --> 00:03:25,832
(SCREAMING)
83
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:27,233
Okay, here we go.
84
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:29,565
Hold on,
the wheelchair
is coming first.
85
00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:32,032
And here's the baby.
86
00:03:32,101 --> 00:03:34,999
(WAILING)
87
00:03:35,068 --> 00:03:38,965
Congratulations,
Mrs. Swanson, it's
a beautiful baby girl.
88
00:03:39,034 --> 00:03:41,565
Oh, Bonnie,
I'm so happy for you!
89
00:03:41,633 --> 00:03:42,898
DOCTOR:
Oh, my God!
She's dying!
90
00:03:42,968 --> 00:03:44,565
What?
What?
91
00:03:44,634 --> 00:03:47,198
Oh, sorry, I was watching
this Paula Poundstone
comedy special.
92
00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,932
Here's your baby.
93
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,364
She's beautiful.
94
00:03:50,433 --> 00:03:51,932
(SNIFFLING)
Isn't she, sweetheart?
95
00:03:52,001 --> 00:03:54,032
She sure is, Joe.
96
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,832
It's
hard to believe
she's already 18.
97
00:04:01,733 --> 00:04:04,065
Aw, Susie's so cute!
98
00:04:04,134 --> 00:04:05,699
I can't wait to
have a baby someday.
99
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:08,398
Oh, Meg,
we've talked about this.
100
00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:09,699
In order to make a baby,
101
00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:12,332
a man has to be
aroused enough
to ejaculate.
102
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,098
Sorry, Dad, I forgot.
103
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:15,732
That's all right, sweetie.
104
00:04:15,801 --> 00:04:17,232
Now you run along
and play in the mud.
105
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:21,565
Attention, everyone,
this is a twist tie.
106
00:04:21,633 --> 00:04:23,531
It comes with
every loaf of bread.
107
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,598
When we are
done selecting
our piece of bread,
108
00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,498
we use the
tie to preserve...
109
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:29,331
Oh, my God!
110
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:33,398
(CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING)
111
00:04:34,034 --> 00:04:35,865
Who is that angel?
112
00:04:35,934 --> 00:04:37,198
That's Susie Swanson.
113
00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:39,065
You don't say.
114
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:40,698
What, like, you think
you have a shot with her?
115
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:42,298
Are you kidding?
We'll go together
116
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:44,298
better than
Hannity and Colmes.
117
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,965
My problem with
liberals, Alan,
118
00:04:46,034 --> 00:04:47,832
is that liberals
hate America.
119
00:04:47,901 --> 00:04:49,932
Sean,
I don't know
if that's true.
120
00:04:50,001 --> 00:04:51,298
You just contradicted me!
121
00:04:51,366 --> 00:04:52,565
You hate America!
122
00:04:52,633 --> 00:04:54,232
If I could just
get a word in...
123
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:57,032
You hate America!
You like the terrorists!
124
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,366
Well, I guess
you're right again.
125
00:05:03,101 --> 00:05:04,232
Bonnie,
we got a problem.
126
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,665
What's the matter, Joe?
127
00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:07,799
I'll tell you
while we're doing
the diaper change.
128
00:05:07,868 --> 00:05:10,032
Here's
the reality
of the situation.
129
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,999
I got
our hospital
bill this morning.
130
00:05:12,068 --> 00:05:14,631
How bad is it?
It's $20,000.
131
00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:17,565
Oh, my God!
Where are we going to
get that kind of money?
132
00:05:17,633 --> 00:05:19,799
I don't know,
but we've got to
figure that out soon.
133
00:05:19,867 --> 00:05:22,765
Well,
I'm not worried, Joe,
you'll think of something.
134
00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:24,166
I gotta tell you,
135
00:05:24,233 --> 00:05:26,331
not being able to pay
my child's hospital
bills
136
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,464
somehow makes me
feel like less
of a man.
137
00:05:29,533 --> 00:05:31,799
Oh, honey,
that's silly.
138
00:05:31,867 --> 00:05:34,431
I'm gonna show you
what a man you
really are.
139
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:36,999
Now,
let's go put
your penis on.
140
00:05:41,134 --> 00:05:42,498
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to
141
00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:44,331
Are You Smarter
than a Hispanic
Maid?
142
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,665
Okay, Larry, now,
143
00:05:45,734 --> 00:05:48,099
how does
a Hispanic maid
address her employer
144
00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:49,965
if his name is
John Sullivan?
145
00:05:50,034 --> 00:05:53,099
Is it A, John?
Or B, Mr. Sullivan?
146
00:05:53,168 --> 00:05:55,198
Uh, I'm gonna go
with Mr. Sullivan.
147
00:05:55,266 --> 00:05:56,431
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
148
00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:58,331
Oh, that was
a trick question.
149
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,631
Consuela,
what would you say?
150
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:02,799
Mr. John.
That's correct.
151
00:06:02,868 --> 00:06:05,899
Now,
bonus question,
is Mr. John home?
152
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:09,398
No, no,
Mr. John no home.
153
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:13,432
Joe? What the hell?
Are you working here?
154
00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:14,999
I have to, Quagmire.
155
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:17,632
The baby's hospital bill
drained all our savings,
156
00:06:17,701 --> 00:06:19,731
so I've had no choice
but to take this job.
157
00:06:19,801 --> 00:06:21,632
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
158
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:23,465
Excuse me,
I couldn't
help overhearing
159
00:06:23,534 --> 00:06:25,165
you got yourself
some money issues.
160
00:06:25,234 --> 00:06:27,066
Uh, yeah, kind of.
161
00:06:27,134 --> 00:06:28,832
Well, I might be
able to help you out.
162
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:31,298
How much you need?
Look, I'm a police officer.
163
00:06:31,366 --> 00:06:33,965
I can't afford
to get mixed up
with a loan shark.
164
00:06:34,034 --> 00:06:35,798
Hey, you should
listen to this
guy, Joe.
165
00:06:35,868 --> 00:06:38,099
He's flipping a nickel
and chewing on a toothpick.
166
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:44,732
Well,
I do really
need the money.
167
00:06:44,801 --> 00:06:46,799
And I don't have
the credit for a
bank loan.
168
00:06:46,867 --> 00:06:48,899
Do it, Joe,
'cause if you gotta
work here any longer,
169
00:06:48,967 --> 00:06:50,899
you're
gonna feel smaller
than my eye floaters.
170
00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:52,532
(GASPS) There's one now!
171
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,332
I can never look at it
dead on, it's always
trying to get away.
172
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,231
Hey, eye floater!
Hi!
173
00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:58,498
Hey, hey,
where are you going?
174
00:06:58,567 --> 00:06:59,932
Away from your pupil.
175
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,465
Well, maybe
I'll look over here!
176
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:02,899
I'll go over here!
177
00:07:02,967 --> 00:07:05,132
You've
got an answer for
everything, don't you?
178
00:07:08,968 --> 00:07:09,999
(GUITAR PLAYING)
179
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:15,865
Oh, Brian, come here.
180
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:18,498
Would you mind listening to
this song I've written for
Susie Swanson
181
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:20,465
and tell me
what you think?
Okay.
182
00:07:20,533 --> 00:07:22,099
♪ Susie
183
00:07:22,168 --> 00:07:24,498
♪ You're a baby ♪
184
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:26,099
That's all I have so far.
185
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:27,232
That was horrible.
186
00:07:27,301 --> 00:07:29,165
You're as bad as
Beethoven near the end.
187
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:33,098
(HUMMING ODE TO JOY
TONELESSLY)
188
00:07:36,967 --> 00:07:38,932
They're gonna love that!
189
00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,665
Well, I've still gotta
do a little work on it.
190
00:07:40,734 --> 00:07:42,398
What's it called?
Susie.
191
00:07:42,466 --> 00:07:44,464
Wow. A song
named after a girl.
192
00:07:44,533 --> 00:07:45,999
There
aren't a million
of those already.
193
00:07:46,068 --> 00:07:47,331
Name 20.
194
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,099
Rosanna, Roxanne,
Michelle, Alison,
195
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:51,464
Sara,
Angie, Brandy,
Mandy, Gloria,
196
00:07:51,533 --> 00:07:54,765
Cecilia,
Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy,
Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
197
00:07:54,834 --> 00:07:58,264
Layla,
Lola, Polly, Helena,
Jenny From The Block.
198
00:07:58,333 --> 00:07:59,464
Name six more.
199
00:07:59,533 --> 00:08:00,765
Sherry, Laura,
Wendy, Maria,
200
00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:02,698
Peggy Sue,
Minnie the Moocher.
201
00:08:02,768 --> 00:08:04,465
Name five more.
Tracy, Jean,
202
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:06,465
Jane,
Marianne,
Eleanor Rigby.
203
00:08:06,533 --> 00:08:07,565
Go fuck yourself.
204
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,332
What am
I gonna do, guys?
I paid the hospital bill,
205
00:08:14,401 --> 00:08:16,899
but now
I need $20,000 to
pay the loan shark.
206
00:08:16,968 --> 00:08:18,698
I'm right back
where I started.
207
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:21,165
Well, sounds like we
need another loan shark.
208
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:24,365
Don't worry, Joe, we're all
gonna pitch in and help
you raise that money.
209
00:08:24,433 --> 00:08:26,898
(KIDS CHATTERING)
210
00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:28,932
Wow, Peter,
I gotta say,
211
00:08:29,001 --> 00:08:32,532
this lemonade stand
was a really good idea.
It's selling really well.
212
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,232
That's because
it has my secret
ingredient in it.
213
00:08:35,301 --> 00:08:36,932
Vodka!
214
00:08:37,001 --> 00:08:39,999
(SLURRING) You
know what we should do?
You know what we should do?
215
00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:41,199
We should just...
216
00:08:41,268 --> 00:08:43,999
We should just get on
our bikes and just go.
217
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:47,465
Just go and
start a business.
218
00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:51,032
(SLURRING)
You know, I never...
I never told anyone this,
219
00:08:51,101 --> 00:08:54,932
but you're so
good at cursive.
220
00:08:58,534 --> 00:09:00,965
I don't know, Peter,
we've been out here
all day
221
00:09:01,034 --> 00:09:04,331
and we haven't managed to
interest a single woman
in our massage parlor.
222
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,798
Wait a minute,
here comes somebody.
223
00:09:05,868 --> 00:09:07,631
Excuse me,
stressed-out lady.
224
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:10,765
May I interest you
in a full-release
relaxation massage?
225
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:12,631
Oh, yeah,
just what I need,
226
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:17,332
to be rubbed down by
a big fatty, an old black
guy, a cripple and a pervert.
227
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,866
Now, we don't
have any money and
our feelings are hurt.
228
00:09:24,734 --> 00:09:26,765
So that's
pretty much it,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
229
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:29,832
Joe's getting desperate,
and we haven't raised
nearly enough.
230
00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:31,832
Is there any way
you could help
us out?
231
00:09:31,901 --> 00:09:33,531
Of course, I could.
232
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,331
But it's funnier
to me if I don't.
233
00:09:39,433 --> 00:09:42,599
In about an hour,
I'm gonna piss
away 20 grand.
234
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:43,832
What,
are you gonna
bet on the Knicks?
235
00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:45,732
(LAUGHING)
236
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:48,364
I'm sorry. I mean,
how often... I mean...
237
00:09:48,433 --> 00:09:50,266
Oh, man,
nobody thinks
that's funny?
238
00:09:54,134 --> 00:09:56,798
Oh, my God!
She's so hot!
239
00:09:56,867 --> 00:10:00,632
Look at that,
she can fit that
whole bottle in her mouth.
240
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,431
All right,
come on, Stewie,
you can write a song.
241
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:03,932
How hard can it be?
242
00:10:04,001 --> 00:10:05,932
♪ You've got
your G chord
right here
243
00:10:06,001 --> 00:10:08,531
♪ It's like a cozy
house where you live
244
00:10:08,601 --> 00:10:10,331
♪ That's where you
start your journey
245
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,431
♪ Here I am in my house,
nice and cozy
246
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:17,131
♪ Then you poke your
head out of the door
with a C chord
247
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,264
♪ Everything
looks okay out here
248
00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:21,632
♪ Maybe
I'll take
a walk outside
249
00:10:21,701 --> 00:10:23,665
♪ To the D chord
250
00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:25,865
♪ I'm walking
around outside
251
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:27,899
♪ Look at all
the stuff out here
252
00:10:27,968 --> 00:10:30,799
♪ And then we
go to an A minor
253
00:10:30,867 --> 00:10:33,098
♪ Getting a little
cloudy out here
254
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,364
♪ Looking like we
might have some weather
255
00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:38,164
♪ Then we go to E minor
256
00:10:38,233 --> 00:10:39,899
♪ Oh,
definitely
got some weather
257
00:10:39,968 --> 00:10:42,832
♪ Things are
a little more complicated
than they seemed at first
258
00:10:42,901 --> 00:10:44,965
♪ And then we go
back to my house
259
00:10:45,034 --> 00:10:46,898
You sound like
an unbelievable douche.
260
00:10:46,967 --> 00:10:49,265
♪ Then Brian comes in
261
00:10:49,334 --> 00:10:51,599
♪ And I change up the tempo
262
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:55,332
♪ Brian comes in and
he changes the song
263
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,798
♪ Looking at me like
he thinks I'm a douchebag
264
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:02,032
♪ But he's gonna learn
pretty fast that he's wrong
265
00:11:02,101 --> 00:11:06,232
♪ Hey, Brian
Why are you
bringing me down, man?
266
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:08,498
♪ Why are you
bringing me down?
267
00:11:08,566 --> 00:11:10,232
♪ Don't bring me down ♪
268
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,032
Music and lyrics
by Stewie Griffin.
269
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:18,365
Hey,
Swanson, the boss
is getting impatient.
270
00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:19,965
He wants his money.
271
00:11:20,034 --> 00:11:23,532
He says after
we're done with you,
you're gonna be eating...
272
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,165
Swanson TV... TV...
Wait.
273
00:11:26,233 --> 00:11:27,432
Wait, what did he say?
What?
274
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:28,998
What did the boss say?
He said something funny,
275
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:30,965
and now I'm drawing
a blank on what it was.
276
00:11:31,034 --> 00:11:32,432
Oh, you know what it was?
What?
277
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:34,032
You know what it was?
278
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:37,398
"When we're done
with him, he's gonna
be a Swanson TV Dinner."
279
00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:39,133
(CHUCKLING)
280
00:11:39,201 --> 00:11:40,698
That is pretty funny.
281
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:45,032
Look what
they did to me.
My legs are useless now.
282
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,832
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)
283
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:48,765
And trust me,
they'll be back.
284
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,365
Well,
what are we gonna do?
285
00:11:50,433 --> 00:11:51,564
You know what, boys?
286
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:54,166
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
287
00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:57,331
If that stingy old Carter
won't give us the money
we need,
288
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,231
I say we take it from him.
289
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,399
Guys,
we are gonna
plan a robbery.
290
00:12:02,468 --> 00:12:03,532
(DOORBELL RINGS)
291
00:12:05,801 --> 00:12:08,298
(DRUNKENLY) Hey,
hey, that's the guy.
292
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:13,698
That's the guy
whose chin looks
like a... Balls.
293
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,232
All right, on a normal night
in the Pewterschmidt mansion,
294
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:28,165
there might be as
much as $6 million
in the vault alone.
295
00:12:28,234 --> 00:12:30,665
But this Saturday is
the Pewterschmidts'
annual
296
00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:33,765
"Bring all your cash
and put it in our
safe" party.
297
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:37,465
Considering the guest list,
there could be as much as
$40 million.
298
00:12:37,533 --> 00:12:39,531
But we only need $20,000.
299
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,166
(SIGHS) All right, look,
I'll be honest with you.
300
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:45,431
My father-in-law has
treated me like crap
for almost 20 years,
301
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,032
and it's time for
a little payback.
302
00:12:47,101 --> 00:12:50,098
$40 million!
That's $10 million each!
303
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,465
I could
afford to produce
a movie with B+ stars
304
00:12:52,534 --> 00:12:54,532
in
a not-so-expensive location.
305
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:56,832
ANNOUNCER:
Jeff Bridges
and Laura Linney
306
00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,531
in Danger In Cincinnati.
307
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:00,998
We've got 24 hours
308
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:03,431
before those
terrorists set off
that new type of bomb
309
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:04,999
that makes
an invisible explosion.
310
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:06,199
What are we gonna do?
311
00:13:06,268 --> 00:13:07,498
Let's get back
to headquarters.
312
00:13:07,566 --> 00:13:08,665
Should we take
the helicopter?
313
00:13:08,733 --> 00:13:09,799
No, let's...
314
00:13:09,867 --> 00:13:11,398
Let's walk,
it's a nice day.
315
00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:16,131
Oh, there's my laptop.
316
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,298
Do you mind?
I want to check my e-mail.
317
00:13:17,366 --> 00:13:18,732
Go away!
318
00:13:18,801 --> 00:13:21,032
I'm editing
this music video
I'm making for Susie.
319
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,699
Oh, really?
Music video?
320
00:13:23,767 --> 00:13:25,531
Working on
a little video there?
321
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:26,832
Little, uh...
322
00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:28,498
(VOICE RISING IN PITCH)
Little music video?
323
00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:31,966
Little
compilation of visual
images to go with a song?
324
00:13:32,034 --> 00:13:34,398
Little
four-minute movie
that tells the story...
325
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:36,198
Yeah, that only
works when I do it.
326
00:13:36,266 --> 00:13:37,465
There, all done.
327
00:13:37,533 --> 00:13:40,431
All right, Brian,
get ready to feel.
328
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,831
(EVERYTHING I DO PLAYING)
329
00:13:57,634 --> 00:14:00,332
♪ Look into your heart
330
00:14:01,266 --> 00:14:03,532
♪ You will find
331
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:10,364
♪ There's
nothing there to hide
332
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,499
♪ Take me as I am
333
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:17,265
♪ Take my life
334
00:14:18,168 --> 00:14:21,199
♪ I would give it all
335
00:14:21,268 --> 00:14:25,366
♪ I would sacrifice
336
00:14:25,434 --> 00:14:31,333
♪ Don't tell me it's
not worth fighting for
337
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,732
♪ I can't help it
338
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:39,199
♪ There's nothing I want more
339
00:14:39,267 --> 00:14:42,965
♪ You know it's true
340
00:14:43,034 --> 00:14:46,499
♪ Everything I do
341
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:50,832
♪ I do it for you
342
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,265
♪ Oh, yeah
343
00:14:54,034 --> 00:14:57,498
♪ There's no love
344
00:14:57,567 --> 00:15:01,232
♪ Like your love
345
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,898
♪ And no other
346
00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:08,565
♪ Could give more love
347
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:12,232
♪ There's nowhere
348
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:15,832
♪ Unless you're there
349
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:19,498
♪ All the time
350
00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:25,832
♪ All the way
351
00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:27,298
BRIAN: I'm
not following
the story arc here.
352
00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:28,431
STEWIE: Shut up!
353
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,265
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
354
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,599
♪ Look into your heart, babe
355
00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:58,365
♪ Oh, you can't tell me
356
00:15:58,433 --> 00:16:02,365
♪ It's not worth trying for
357
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,732
♪ I can't help it
358
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:09,965
♪ There's nothing I want more
359
00:16:10,034 --> 00:16:14,465
♪ Yeah, I would fight for you
360
00:16:14,533 --> 00:16:17,732
♪ I'd lie for you
361
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,966
♪ Walk the wire for you
362
00:16:21,034 --> 00:16:26,698
♪ Yeah, I'd die for you
363
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,998
♪ You know it's true
364
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:35,331
♪ Everything I do
365
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,531
♪ Oh
366
00:16:39,435 --> 00:16:45,165
♪ I do it for you ♪
367
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,832
Don't worry, Brian.
Those goose bumps
368
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,431
will go away in
about 20 minutes.
369
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:54,465
Stewie,
that is the worst thing
I have ever seen, ever.
370
00:16:54,533 --> 00:16:56,865
And I've seen Peter
when he's frozen in
sex-face.
371
00:17:00,034 --> 00:17:01,799
Peter,
would you like
more potatoes?
372
00:17:01,867 --> 00:17:03,432
(EXCLAIMS)
373
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:07,732
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
374
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,232
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
375
00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:11,598
Bill, how are you?
376
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:13,765
Babs, come over here
and say hi to Bill Gates.
377
00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:15,665
Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates.
378
00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:17,232
Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt.
379
00:17:17,301 --> 00:17:19,865
Well,
this is a quaint little
party you guys are throwing.
380
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:22,198
Hey, Bill,
would you help
me program my Zune?
381
00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:24,899
Oh, wait, I have an iPod,
like the rest of the world.
382
00:17:24,968 --> 00:17:26,098
Why, you...
383
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:28,131
(GRUNTING)
384
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,332
(GROANS)
385
00:17:31,167 --> 00:17:32,465
All right, Joe, we're here.
386
00:17:32,534 --> 00:17:35,299
All right,
Peter, Quagmire,
start the diversion.
387
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:36,665
Cleveland,
find that door.
388
00:17:36,734 --> 00:17:38,865
PETER: Check.
QUAGMIRE: Check.
389
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,698
Hey, fellows, knock off
all that high-society crap
390
00:17:41,768 --> 00:17:43,165
and play some of this.
391
00:17:45,401 --> 00:17:47,598
One, two, three, four.
392
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,298
(SAFETY DANCE PLAYING)
393
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,431
♪ We can dance
if we want to
394
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,799
♪ We can leave
your friends behind
395
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,365
♪ 'Cause your
friends don't dance
and if they don't dance
396
00:17:59,434 --> 00:18:01,598
♪ Well,
they're no
friends of mine
397
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,998
♪ I say,
we can go
where we want to
398
00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:06,398
♪ A place where
they will never find
399
00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:08,298
♪ And we can
act like we come
from out of this world ♪
400
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:10,398
All right, Cleveland,
you're all clear to
enter the vault.
401
00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:11,465
Copy that.
402
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:29,564
Uh-oh.
It's a combination lock.
403
00:18:29,633 --> 00:18:31,999
Looks like
I'm just gonna
have to cut through it.
404
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,665
Good thing I brought
Reese Witherspoon's
chin.
405
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:43,198
ANNOUNCER: This programming
brought to you in part by
Kobe brand condoms,
406
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:46,298
the protection you want
for the sex she doesn't.
407
00:18:46,366 --> 00:18:48,165
Brian,
do you know
where Peter is?
408
00:18:48,234 --> 00:18:51,032
Yeah, he and the guys
went to go rob your dad.
409
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,232
I believe you.
410
00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:00,164
I'm in.
411
00:19:09,601 --> 00:19:11,598
Holy crap,
there's another door.
412
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:13,499
What do we do now?
413
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:16,499
FEMALE VOICE:
Welcome to the vault.
Voice identification, please.
414
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:18,598
Uh-oh.
415
00:19:18,667 --> 00:19:20,765
(IMITATES CARTER PERFECTLY)
It's me, Carter. I want my
money.
416
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:22,632
FEMALE VOICE:
Voice print verified.
417
00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:26,065
How
the hell'd
you do that?
418
00:19:26,134 --> 00:19:27,865
I can do you guys, too.
419
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:29,765
(IMITATING PETER)
Hey, everybody.
Oh, hey, Peter.
420
00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:31,498
No, it's still me.
Oh.
421
00:19:34,901 --> 00:19:36,598
FEMALE VOICE:
Welcome to the
inner vault.
422
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,998
Penile identification
required.
423
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:40,798
Let me handle this.
424
00:19:41,534 --> 00:19:42,598
(UNZIPS)
425
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:43,665
(BEEPS)
426
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,232
That's amazing. How
the hell did you
match it?
427
00:19:47,301 --> 00:19:48,565
Oh, I didn't
match the shape.
428
00:19:48,634 --> 00:19:49,965
I just stuck it in
there and broke it.
429
00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:57,565
FEMALE VOICE:
Final checkpoint.
Answer this question.
430
00:19:57,633 --> 00:19:59,065
"What is
the most unattractive
431
00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:01,799
"male first name in
the English language?"
432
00:20:04,001 --> 00:20:04,998
Keith.
433
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,332
Wow, look at this place.
434
00:20:11,401 --> 00:20:14,065
There's
more dough in here
than a Swedish bakery.
435
00:20:14,134 --> 00:20:17,432
(IN SWEDISH ACCENT)
Look at all my dough,
I'm covered in dough.
436
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:20,065
Father, you're
covered in dough.
437
00:20:20,134 --> 00:20:22,865
Aw! You spoiled the surprise.
438
00:20:22,934 --> 00:20:25,232
I'm making you
a cake out of dough.
439
00:20:29,034 --> 00:20:31,731
All right, boys,
pack up the dough
and get out of there.
440
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:32,899
Joe, stop!
441
00:20:32,968 --> 00:20:34,298
Lois,
what are you doing here?
442
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:36,798
I'm here
to try to talk
some sense into you.
443
00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:38,598
Do you really want
to go through with
this?
444
00:20:38,667 --> 00:20:40,832
I have to, Lois,
for my family.
445
00:20:40,901 --> 00:20:43,431
I don't know where
else to get $20,000.
446
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:45,732
But you know
Daddy'll find out.
447
00:20:45,801 --> 00:20:47,565
He'll put his best
people on the job,
448
00:20:47,633 --> 00:20:49,331
and believe me,
he'll catch you.
449
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,998
That's a risk
I'm willing to take.
450
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:53,766
But think about your
beautiful little girl.
451
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:56,099
You can't watch her
grow up from jail.
452
00:20:56,168 --> 00:20:59,598
You'll miss
running after her as
she learns to walk...
453
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:02,799
(STAMMERING)
I mean, riding
bikes with her, as she...
454
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:05,132
I mean,
dancing at
her wedding...
455
00:21:05,201 --> 00:21:07,365
Look, my point
is, you know what
you're doing is wrong,
456
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,732
and you know how
to make it right.
457
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:12,098
(SIGHS)
458
00:21:12,167 --> 00:21:15,398
Guys,
put the money back
and get out of there.
459
00:21:15,467 --> 00:21:17,099
PETER:
What? Are you
out of your mind?
460
00:21:17,168 --> 00:21:18,199
Tell them, Megatron.
461
00:21:18,268 --> 00:21:20,266
Do as I command.
462
00:21:20,333 --> 00:21:22,032
Okay, okay. Jeez.
463
00:21:27,166 --> 00:21:28,765
So, how'd Susie
like your video?
464
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:30,599
I don't care
about her anymore.
465
00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:32,498
I'm in love
with Bryan Adams.
466
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:34,498
Peter,
I want you
to promise me
467
00:21:34,566 --> 00:21:36,431
you'll never do
anything that
stupid again.
468
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:39,965
Lois, after
what you did for Joe,
I'll promise you anything.
469
00:21:40,034 --> 00:21:42,765
How the hell
did you get your dad
to give him that 20 grand?
470
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:44,266
I told him
it was for me.
471
00:21:44,333 --> 00:21:46,531
I said I wanted to
hire a divorce lawyer.
472
00:21:48,466 --> 00:21:51,298
You're joking
about that, right?
473
00:21:53,101 --> 00:21:55,832
Lois?
You're joking, right?
474
00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:57,699
(WHINING) Lois!
475
00:21:58,134 --> 00:21:59,531
(CHORTLES)