1
00:00:02,901 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,466 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:39,631
Now remember, Peter,
don't touch this money until
you get to the grocery store.
11
00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:43,098
Then buy one can of beans
and come straight home.
Do you understand?
12
00:00:43,167 --> 00:00:45,532
Lois, I'm a guy you
can trust with a task.
13
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,098
I'm the one who almost
conquered the dragon's lair.
14
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:55,999
(SCREAMS)
15
00:00:56,967 --> 00:00:58,731
MALE VOICE: Dragon's Lair.
16
00:01:04,466 --> 00:01:08,066
Peter, where have you been?
You left for the market
six hours ago.
17
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:09,165
Did you get the beans?
18
00:01:09,233 --> 00:01:10,799
Lois, I got something better.
19
00:01:10,868 --> 00:01:14,198
You know how you always
wanted a real diamond
engagement ring?
20
00:01:14,266 --> 00:01:15,999
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
21
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:18,099
That's right,
I bought a horse.
22
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:22,464
You bought a horse?
Why the hell did...
23
00:01:22,533 --> 00:01:23,965
I didn't even give you
that much money.
24
00:01:24,034 --> 00:01:25,866
That's what I thought, Lois.
25
00:01:25,934 --> 00:01:28,965
Sold to the gentleman
from Quahog, Rhode Island.
26
00:01:29,034 --> 00:01:31,165
Congratulations, sir.
What brings you down
here to Louisville?
27
00:01:31,234 --> 00:01:32,265
I don't know.
28
00:01:34,001 --> 00:01:36,665
Peter, there's something off
about that horse.
29
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:38,932
You have an eye for
animals, Lois. This
horse is retarded.
30
00:01:39,001 --> 00:01:41,198
That's why I
got it so cheap.
31
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,999
Peter, I don't think it's wise
to have a retarded horse
as a house pet.
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00:01:46,068 --> 00:01:48,398
Shut up! You don't
know nothing.
33
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,232
About anything.
34
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,331
(SIGHS)
35
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,932
Whatever, Peter.
Fine. Keep the horse.
36
00:01:53,001 --> 00:01:54,199
Good.
37
00:01:54,268 --> 00:01:56,365
This family works much
better when we're unified.
38
00:01:56,434 --> 00:02:01,832
You'll see. This horse will be
a fine addition to our family.
39
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:04,565
You know what? I don't want
him to feel self-conscious.
Everybody pee.
40
00:02:04,634 --> 00:02:08,065
Peter...
Everybody pee now.
41
00:02:08,134 --> 00:02:10,099
We're an unusual family.
42
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,632
Peter, the horse is here.
43
00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,065
Oh! Yeah.
44
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:22,365
It's so creepy,
the way it just
stares like that.
45
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,799
Why doesn't it do something?
46
00:02:23,868 --> 00:02:25,331
He's retarded, Lois.
47
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,765
You should understand.
You're married to
a retarded man.
48
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:29,066
Eh?
49
00:02:29,134 --> 00:02:31,132
(MOCKING) You're married
to a retarded man.
50
00:02:32,134 --> 00:02:33,999
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
51
00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:35,898
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
52
00:02:35,967 --> 00:02:39,932
What is it?
Brian, is Paul Sorvino
standing behind me?
53
00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:42,132
Hey, you want
a sugar cube, horsey?
54
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,899
Oh! God, Brian, don't.
55
00:02:43,967 --> 00:02:46,198
(STEWIE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
56
00:03:01,034 --> 00:03:02,531
(PETER MOANING)
57
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,333
What made you
come around, Lois?
58
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,531
(SIGHS) I love you so much.
59
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,698
I love you so much, Lois.
60
00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:15,032
I love you, too, Peter.
61
00:03:17,767 --> 00:03:20,631
Peter, take Maple Drive.
Otherwise we won't make
the movie on time.
62
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:21,932
All right.
63
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:23,032
Uh-oh!
64
00:03:23,101 --> 00:03:24,598
What is it?
65
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,665
The horse is
right behind the car.
66
00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:30,365
Peter, that thing
is just creepy.
67
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:36,464
Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you.
We're going to see a movie.
68
00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:39,598
All right, I'm gonna
try something else.
69
00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:41,331
(TIRES SCREECHING)
70
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:43,232
(HONKING)
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00:03:48,201 --> 00:03:50,965
(SCREAMS)
No, no, no, no, no!
72
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,899
Oh! That's got all
my stink of the day in it.
73
00:03:59,001 --> 00:04:00,465
That's nasty.
74
00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:07,799
Peter, why are there
so many bottles of
milk in the refrigerator?
75
00:04:07,867 --> 00:04:11,232
Oh! Thanks for reminding me.
Everyone, some of the milk
in the fridge is not milk,
76
00:04:11,301 --> 00:04:14,066
it's horse sperm.
I'm a horse breeder now.
77
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:26,932
Peter, no one's gonna want
to breed with that horse.
78
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:30,165
After tomorrow they will.
I'm gonna enter him
in the Quahog Derby
79
00:04:30,234 --> 00:04:34,332
and he's gonna win. I just
know it. I got a sixth sense
about these things.
80
00:04:34,401 --> 00:04:36,966
Remember when I predicted
the ending to Wild Hogs?
81
00:04:37,034 --> 00:04:38,065
This movie's gonna suck.
82
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,832
Hey there,
little fella.
83
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:48,599
I'm 48.
84
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:52,099
This whole place
is a giant mindfuck.
85
00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:54,032
Boy, I've never been
in the owner's box.
86
00:04:54,101 --> 00:04:56,231
We're gonna get a great view
of the track from up here.
87
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:59,032
This is gonna be
a great race.
88
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:01,565
Hey, what...
What are you doing?
Get down there.
89
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:02,866
Where's your midget?
90
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:05,498
Sorry, boss.
Had to pee.
Come on, you.
91
00:05:06,768 --> 00:05:08,032
Guess he's got
a small bladder.
92
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,232
(LAUGHING)
93
00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,932
Little tiny guy.
Gotta go all the time.
94
00:05:11,001 --> 00:05:12,232
(CHUCKLING)
95
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,798
Even though he's got to race,
he couldn't hold it.
96
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,366
Mmm-hmm.
97
00:05:16,434 --> 00:05:17,731
(BELL RINGING)
98
00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:18,898
ANNOUNCER ON PA:
And they're off!
99
00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:20,899
Go, horsey, go!
100
00:05:20,968 --> 00:05:23,532
God, it even runs
like it's messed up
in the head.
101
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:31,198
Is there a reason
all the horses are named
after canceled Fox shows?
102
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:32,698
ANNOUNCER:
Kitchen Confidential
is in the lead,
103
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,731
followed by The Wedding Bells,
followed by Happy Hour,
104
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,231
followed by The War at Home,
followed by Drive, followed
by The Winner,
105
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:40,065
followed by Life on a Stick,
followed by The Loop,
followed by Head Cases,
106
00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:42,698
followed by Standoff,
followed by Vanished,
followed by Free Ride,
107
00:05:42,767 --> 00:05:45,631
followed by Method & Red,
followed by Tru Calling,
followed by Quintuplets,
108
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:48,198
followed by Stacked,
followed by Justice,
followed by North Shore,
109
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:50,265
followed by Back to You.
And bringing up the rear,
110
00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:52,699
but somehow still
in the race, is 'til Death.
111
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,265
You named your
horse 'til Death?
112
00:05:54,334 --> 00:05:55,999
You know why?
113
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:59,098
'Cause I'm gonna take
this horse and shove it
down America's throat.
114
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:01,732
ANNOUNCER: What's this?
It looks like 'til Death
has taken a right turn
115
00:06:01,801 --> 00:06:02,899
and is heading
into the stands.
116
00:06:02,968 --> 00:06:03,966
(THUDDING)
117
00:06:04,034 --> 00:06:05,598
(ALL GASPING)
118
00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:07,332
Dear God, I could describe
the horror I am witnessing,
119
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,698
but it is so unfathomably ugly
and heartrending
120
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:11,465
that I cannot bring
myself to do so,
121
00:06:11,534 --> 00:06:14,532
although I do possess
the necessary descriptive
powers.
122
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:18,032
(SIGHS) Well, at least the
horse ran past the class of
visiting deaf second-graders.
123
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,399
Oh, no! Dear God,
he's going back!
124
00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:21,565
(THUDDING)
125
00:06:21,634 --> 00:06:23,865
I know you can't hear any
screams, but I assure you
they are signing frantically,
126
00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:26,865
just as fast as their little
fingers can shape the
complicated phonemes
127
00:06:26,934 --> 00:06:29,165
necessary to convey
dread and terror.
128
00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:31,899
Wait a sec. Hold the phone.
He's going back
towards the track.
129
00:06:31,968 --> 00:06:33,398
Fellas, this race
ain't over yet.
130
00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:34,465
(THUDDING)
131
00:06:34,533 --> 00:06:35,765
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
132
00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:38,298
WOMAN: (CRYING)
My baby's dead.
It's over.
133
00:06:45,034 --> 00:06:49,632
$100,000 worth of damage.
All thanks to that stupid
horse of yours.
134
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:52,532
Look, can we not talk
about the horse,
please? It's gone.
135
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,366
It suffered a fatal heart
attack from the excitement
and I disposed of it properly.
136
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:12,132
Oh! Boy. I miss the old days
when it was just a flaming
bag of poop
137
00:07:12,201 --> 00:07:13,865
and a hurtful note.
138
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:16,498
I have no idea how
the hell we're gonna
pay for this, Peter.
139
00:07:16,567 --> 00:07:21,066
Well, I'll just have to get
a second job or something.
Hand me the classifieds.
140
00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:25,932
Hey, Lois, look at this.
"Subject wanted for
medical..." What's that?
141
00:07:26,001 --> 00:07:28,298
"Experiments."
Exparagus.
142
00:07:28,366 --> 00:07:29,799
Experiments.
143
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:32,098
Experiments.
144
00:07:32,166 --> 00:07:33,498
Right.
145
00:07:33,567 --> 00:07:36,365
And it says they'll pay
handsomely. This is perfect.
146
00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:38,999
Now I won't have
to take that job as
Matt Damon's neck.
147
00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:42,598
Hey, Matt. Matt.
148
00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:43,899
Hey, is this another
one of those movies
149
00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:46,332
where you're an educated
Boston street tough?
150
00:07:46,401 --> 00:07:48,298
I don't have to take
that crap from you, neck.
151
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:51,832
You have to, my friend.
I'm your neck. What are
you gonna do, choke me?
152
00:07:51,901 --> 00:07:53,832
You'll die.
You'll die
if you do that.
153
00:07:53,901 --> 00:07:55,832
Can somebody from
Wardrobe get me a scarf?
154
00:07:55,901 --> 00:07:59,298
I'm still gonna...
I'll just talk louder.
155
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:01,365
Ben Affleck married
Jennifer Garner,
156
00:08:01,433 --> 00:08:04,465
but you married
a bartender with a kid.
157
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:06,132
These are facts.
158
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:10,665
So what do I gotta do, Doc?
159
00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:12,399
You don't have to
do anything, Mr. Griffin.
160
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:15,465
We're isolating and
studying the effects of
various types of genes.
161
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:17,999
We're just going to
give you a series of
experimental injections
162
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:19,232
and record the results.
163
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:22,098
What's this one?
We call this
the squirrel gene.
164
00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:25,233
Its effects will become
apparent shortly.
165
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,665
(CHIRPING)
166
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:33,465
Okay, what's next?
167
00:08:33,534 --> 00:08:35,265
This is the Seth Rogen gene.
168
00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:36,998
It will give you
the appearance
of being funny,
169
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:40,432
even though you haven't
actually done anything funny.
170
00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:44,765
Hey, Doc. Are we
gonna be much longer?
171
00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:47,831
I gotta get some beers
with the fellows before
I go out on this date.
172
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:49,032
(LAUGHS)
173
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,665
How charming and chubby.
I'm rooting for you.
174
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,265
All right,
Mr. Griffin.
175
00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:57,099
At this time we're
going to inject you
with what we believe
176
00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:59,132
we've isolated
as the gay gene.
177
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,665
I don't understand.
178
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:03,099
Well, if we're correct,
we will have
successfully proven
179
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:06,899
that homosexuality is genetic,
and not a matter of
choice or environment.
180
00:09:06,967 --> 00:09:09,699
Are you crazy?
I don't want to take
a chance on being gay.
181
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:11,364
We'll give you $125.
182
00:09:11,433 --> 00:09:12,565
All right, I'll do it.
183
00:09:12,633 --> 00:09:16,264
Boy, you're more persuasive
than James Bond.
184
00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:18,699
(MIMICKING SEAN CONNERY)
Now, time for some
unfinished business.
185
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,332
No, James.
Yes.
186
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,499
No, James.
Yes. You're going
to have sex with me.
187
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:25,065
No, James.
I don't want to.
188
00:09:25,134 --> 00:09:26,299
Yes, you do.
189
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,498
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
190
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,231
No, I don't!
Yes, you do!
191
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:33,131
Okay, yes.
See that?
192
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,832
Fifty no's and
a yes means yes.
193
00:09:40,466 --> 00:09:41,865
Hi.
194
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:43,665
So, how'd the medical
experiments go?
195
00:09:43,734 --> 00:09:46,032
So good, Lois, so good.
196
00:09:46,101 --> 00:09:48,598
I'm gonna squeeze
right in here,
if my thighs will let me.
197
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:49,998
(LAUGHING)
198
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,398
Peter, what exactly
did they inject you with?
199
00:09:53,466 --> 00:09:57,531
All sorts of things.
Hepatitis vaccine, a couple
of steroids, the gay gene,
200
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,431
calcium, a vitamin B extract.
201
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,364
What did you just say?
The gay gene.
202
00:10:01,433 --> 00:10:03,665
I assume that's
the one you meant, even
though it wasn't literally
203
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,932
the last thing I said
when you said,
"What did you just say?"
204
00:10:06,001 --> 00:10:07,765
It's just that clearly
it was the most unusual.
205
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:12,932
Yes, that's the one I meant.
Peter, are you gay?
206
00:10:13,001 --> 00:10:19,999
♪ Guilty ♪
207
00:10:27,634 --> 00:10:30,199
Did anybody see that
absolutely fabulous piece
208
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:32,865
on Fiji in yesterday's
travel section?
209
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:34,598
(SIGHS)
210
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:36,431
I wish I was Beyonce.
211
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,965
Peter, I think maybe
you should go back
212
00:10:38,034 --> 00:10:40,165
and have that doctor
undo whatever he did.
213
00:10:40,233 --> 00:10:41,432
I mean, you're not gay.
214
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:43,565
(STEWIE MUTTERING)
215
00:10:43,633 --> 00:10:46,531
What?
I said homosexuality is wrong.
216
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,665
Are you...
Are you being
serious right now?
217
00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:50,465
Just keep it in the
bedroom, you know?
218
00:10:50,533 --> 00:10:53,866
I mean, I'm not
all in your face with
my heterosexuality.
219
00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:55,565
No, you are not.
220
00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:58,432
Dad, now that you're gay,
I don't have to have
sex with you, do I?
221
00:10:58,500 --> 00:10:59,699
Not unless you want to.
222
00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:02,332
(HUMMING TWILIGHT ZONE)
223
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:06,198
(OVEN DINGS)
224
00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:08,065
Oh! My muffins are ready!
225
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,132
You made muffins?
226
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,965
Well, it wasn't
the muffin fairy.
227
00:11:14,034 --> 00:11:15,365
Or was it?
228
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:17,132
(LAUGHING)
229
00:11:18,034 --> 00:11:19,265
Go ahead, try it.
Peter.
230
00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:21,798
Try it.
231
00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:24,732
Dad, I think Mom's right.
Maybe you should go
back to that doctor.
232
00:11:24,801 --> 00:11:28,298
Well, now wait a minute, Meg.
Let's not be too hasty.
233
00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:31,698
These are delicious.
What's the secret ingredient?
234
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,732
Spugizakom.
235
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,265
Ew!
236
00:11:35,334 --> 00:11:39,398
(EXCLAIMING)
What? You thought...
No, no, no. Spugizakom.
237
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:42,032
It's a sugar substitute
from the Czech Republic.
238
00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:43,831
That's right, Spugizakom.
239
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:45,165
(MOCKING)
240
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:51,965
All right, I'll say it.
241
00:11:52,034 --> 00:11:53,632
What the hell
are you drinking?
242
00:11:53,701 --> 00:11:55,565
A Pomtini.
243
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:58,732
It's a pomegranate martini.
I read about them in the
latest issue of InStyle.
244
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,865
They're what Courtney
Thorne-Smith served at her
second bachelorette party.
245
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:05,565
(HUMMING)
246
00:12:07,301 --> 00:12:08,932
(SIGHS)
247
00:12:09,001 --> 00:12:12,799
So you guys feel like
watching the game
at my house on Sunday?
248
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:14,432
Yeah, that sounds good.
Yeah, that'd be good.
249
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,698
PETER: Hey,
Quagmire. Quagmire.
250
00:12:17,767 --> 00:12:20,965
Yeah?
I'll be there.
251
00:12:21,034 --> 00:12:23,665
Well, I think I'd
better get going.
252
00:12:23,734 --> 00:12:26,265
Yeah. Why don't you
and Cleveland both get going?
253
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:28,732
Hey, hey, hey,
where you guys going?
254
00:12:31,101 --> 00:12:32,332
All right, if we're going
to do this, we're going
to do it my way.
255
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,065
Darn it.
Knock, knock.
256
00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,465
What's the problem, champ?
257
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,732
Why is math so hard?
258
00:12:42,801 --> 00:12:44,398
Well, you know,
it doesn't have to be.
259
00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:47,398
One trick I used to use
is turning things into
a word problem.
260
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:51,133
For example, if there are
three glory holes in the
bathroom at the club
261
00:12:51,201 --> 00:12:53,531
and 28 guys
at the circuit party,
262
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,265
how many rotations of guys
will it take before
everybody's had a turn?
263
00:12:57,333 --> 00:12:59,966
I don't know.
Nine, with a remainder
of Brent.
264
00:13:00,034 --> 00:13:01,265
Oh!
265
00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:03,465
♪ 'Cause Brent
can't fit in the glory hole
266
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:05,032
♪ And that's why
we all like Brent ♪
267
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:06,465
(SPLUTTERS)
268
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:11,765
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to That Black
Guy Must Be Doing Well
269
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,798
Because Everything
He Owns is White.
270
00:13:16,034 --> 00:13:17,632
Hey, how you doing?
271
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:20,364
Wow, he must be doing well.
272
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:24,232
Well, here's the new nightie
you picked out for me.
What do you think?
273
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:28,332
I think I'm jealous of Miss
"Eats anything she wants and
still fits into a size four."
274
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:29,398
I could scratch
your eyes out.
275
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:30,465
(MEOWS)
276
00:13:30,534 --> 00:13:32,165
(CHUCKLES)
277
00:13:32,234 --> 00:13:35,432
You know, Peter,
with all the shopping and
cooking and decorating,
278
00:13:35,501 --> 00:13:41,298
I have to say I'm really
liking the new you an
awful lot. An awful lot.
279
00:13:41,367 --> 00:13:42,831
(SNICKERS)
280
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,099
What are you doing?
281
00:13:44,168 --> 00:13:46,732
I'm fooling around.
282
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,398
Come on, sweetie.
Let's have some fun.
283
00:13:49,467 --> 00:13:51,198
Lois, I'm gay.
284
00:13:52,434 --> 00:13:55,331
Wait a minute,
you mean we
can't have sex?
285
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,465
No!
286
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:58,198
But, Peter, we're married.
287
00:13:58,266 --> 00:14:00,565
Tony Randall
was married, Lois.
Rock Hudson was married.
288
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:01,665
Ronald Reagan was married.
289
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,832
Mr. President,
did you reach
a missile pact?
290
00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:08,899
Well, you could say that.
There was a missile
291
00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:11,498
and something
definitely got packed.
292
00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:13,532
(BOTH LAUGHING)
293
00:14:13,601 --> 00:14:15,098
Did you discuss ICBMs?
294
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,932
Well, I did see a BM.
295
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,331
So, would you consider this
a successful summit?
296
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,065
Oh! Yes.
I summitted three times.
297
00:14:25,134 --> 00:14:26,166
Are you finished
with the butt-fucking puns?
298
00:14:30,567 --> 00:14:33,632
Just tell me, Doctor.
Is there anything you
can do to remove this gene?
299
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:36,032
Well, Mrs. Griffin,
it doesn't really
work that way.
300
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,132
We just have to wait
for the effects to wear off.
301
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,465
Well, how long
will that take?
302
00:14:39,534 --> 00:14:41,799
A week, a month, a year?
303
00:14:41,867 --> 00:14:44,298
Five hundred twenty-five
thousand six hundred minutes?
304
00:14:44,366 --> 00:14:45,999
Rent! Rent! Rent!
305
00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:48,565
For all we know,
he could be this way
for the rest of his life.
306
00:14:48,634 --> 00:14:51,333
I don't see what
the big deal is.
I like myself this way.
307
00:14:51,401 --> 00:14:54,266
It's a very big deal.
You'll be treated differently.
308
00:14:54,335 --> 00:14:57,198
Just like my Uncle Ray,
with the really high-up anus.
309
00:14:57,267 --> 00:14:58,299
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
310
00:14:58,367 --> 00:14:59,999
I'll be out in a minute.
311
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:04,698
So Dad's gonna be
gay forever?
312
00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:05,965
Possibly, Meg.
313
00:15:06,034 --> 00:15:08,065
So we're all just gonna have
to get used to this,
314
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,565
and learn to accept your
father for who he is now.
315
00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:15,832
Great plan, Lois. Hey,
here's a nutty idea. Ever read
the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.
316
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:17,799
Stewie, you're judgmentally
quoting Bible verses
317
00:15:17,868 --> 00:15:18,932
and you don't even
know how to read.
318
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,032
Welcome to America, Brian.
319
00:15:21,868 --> 00:15:24,799
Hi, everybody.
This is Scott.
320
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:25,865
Oh!
321
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:26,999
Who's Scott?
322
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,765
My soul mate, Lois.
323
00:15:28,834 --> 00:15:31,532
I'm here, I'm queer,
but don't get used to it,
'cause I'm leaving you.
324
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,365
What?
I'm sorry, Lois.
325
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,599
I can't deny who I am
any longer.
326
00:15:35,667 --> 00:15:38,165
I am Peter Griffin,
homosexual.
327
00:15:38,234 --> 00:15:40,198
And that's how I'm
gonna live my life.
328
00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:42,198
Yeah, well, I think
that's perfectly disgusting.
329
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:45,165
And you know, every time
you do it, you're basically
sodomizing Jesus.
330
00:15:45,233 --> 00:15:46,965
I just want to
point that out to you.
331
00:15:47,034 --> 00:15:50,065
Chris, you're the man of
the house now. Take the
lessons I've taught you
332
00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:52,899
and be the best
leader of this
household you can.
333
00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:54,364
I will, Dad.
334
00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:55,432
(FARTS)
335
00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:07,832
Oh! God. I miss Peter so much.
Gay or not, I just wish
he was still here.
336
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:11,932
I miss Dad, too, Mom.
But we'll manage somehow.
We're still a family, right?
337
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,565
Yeah, I mean, we're tighter
than an Asian family.
338
00:16:15,567 --> 00:16:18,065
You doctor yet?
No, Dad. I'm 12.
339
00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:20,098
Talk to me
when you doctor.
340
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,231
I am so gay for you, Scott.
341
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,298
I'm so gay for you, Peter.
342
00:16:30,201 --> 00:16:31,331
Penis for your thoughts.
343
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,565
I just...
344
00:16:32,634 --> 00:16:34,531
You complete me,
you know that?
345
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,799
You just make me
want to be a gayer man.
346
00:16:36,868 --> 00:16:38,898
Oh! Come here.
347
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,032
And you don't miss
your wife at all?
348
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:43,199
Well, sure I do,
349
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:46,098
but this is a whole new
chapter in my life, Scott.
350
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:48,232
And that chapter
is all about you.
351
00:16:48,301 --> 00:16:51,765
Peter, let's snuggle
on the couch and
watch Lifetime.
352
00:16:51,834 --> 00:16:55,865
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to Meredith
Baxter in Raped By a Clown.
353
00:16:55,934 --> 00:16:59,698
It was awful.
He made me do things.
Awful things.
354
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:01,032
What kinds of things?
355
00:17:01,101 --> 00:17:02,565
I don't even want
to talk about it.
356
00:17:02,634 --> 00:17:03,631
(HORN HONKS)
357
00:17:06,333 --> 00:17:09,198
So you're sure you
don't need any house
repairs, Mrs. Griffin?
358
00:17:09,267 --> 00:17:11,065
No, thanks, Rick.
359
00:17:11,134 --> 00:17:13,665
Ever since Peter left,
our house hasn't been getting
destroyed by shenanigans
360
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:15,398
on a weekly basis.
361
00:17:19,034 --> 00:17:22,599
God, I feel so bad for Lois.
She really misses Peter.
362
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,265
I just wish there was
something we could do.
363
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:27,765
Well, there is, Brian.
I looked into it.
Straight Camp.
364
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:28,865
Straight Camp?
365
00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:30,898
Yeah. It's where gays
go to get cured.
366
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,332
This is dated last year.
367
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,798
I just... I just had it
lying around.
368
00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:37,565
(SIGHS) I don't know.
Goes against everything
I believe in.
369
00:17:37,634 --> 00:17:39,665
But at this point,
I'm willing to try anything.
370
00:17:39,734 --> 00:17:40,999
(SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN
PLAYING ON RADIO)
371
00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:43,298
♪ I am sixteen
going on seventeen
372
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,431
♪ I know that I'm naive
373
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:46,631
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
374
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:48,898
Oh! For the love of penis.
375
00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:50,765
♪ Fellows I meet
may tell me I'm sweet
376
00:17:50,834 --> 00:17:51,831
♪ And willingly... ♪
377
00:17:55,934 --> 00:17:57,799
What the... Where am I?
378
00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,464
This is Straight Camp, Peter.
379
00:17:59,533 --> 00:18:02,565
I'm sorry, but I'm doing
this for Lois. By the time
you get out of here,
380
00:18:02,634 --> 00:18:04,398
you're gonna be back
to your old self again.
381
00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:06,132
Welcome to Straight Camp,
everyone.
382
00:18:06,201 --> 00:18:09,599
You're all here because you've
made a choice to renounce
your evil, sinful ways,
383
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:13,132
and redeem yourselves in
the eyes of your Lord
and savior, Jesus Christ,
384
00:18:13,201 --> 00:18:16,099
who hates many people,
but none more than
homosexuals.
385
00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:19,498
And through our carefully
structured program,
you will succeed.
386
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,798
All right, men.
This is Harry
the Homosexual.
387
00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:25,032
Say hi to everyone, Harry.
388
00:18:25,101 --> 00:18:26,132
Hi, fellas.
389
00:18:26,201 --> 00:18:28,333
I sure do love being gay.
390
00:18:28,401 --> 00:18:32,199
Harry's choice of lifestyle
is wrong. So we're
gonna beat him up for it.
391
00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:34,665
Now, take these baseball bats
and get to it.
392
00:18:34,733 --> 00:18:36,165
(HARRY GASPING)
393
00:18:36,233 --> 00:18:40,799
All right. Good so far.
No, no, no, don't use
the bats like that!
394
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:42,765
No, no. Don't use
them like that, either!
395
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:45,732
All right, look.
Just put them down
and use your fists.
396
00:18:45,801 --> 00:18:48,832
No, no, no, not like that!
397
00:18:48,901 --> 00:18:52,265
All right. This next exercise
will train you to talk
like a straight man.
398
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:56,364
Peter, we'll start with you.
Repeat every word
I say exactly as I say it.
399
00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:58,398
Tonight me and my friends,
Paulie and Matty,
400
00:18:58,466 --> 00:19:00,699
are going out to
drink a ton of beers.
401
00:19:00,767 --> 00:19:03,233
Tonight my friends
and I are going out,
but we're not drinking
402
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,032
because those
are empty calories.
403
00:19:05,101 --> 00:19:08,932
Then we'll play full
contact football in the park
with no pads or helmets.
404
00:19:09,001 --> 00:19:11,966
Then we're gathering
at Alan and Omar's
for Bad Movie Night.
405
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:15,331
Then it's straight to
the bars to find loose
women to have sex with.
406
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,832
Then it's straight to the gym
for three hours of crunches
407
00:19:17,901 --> 00:19:19,265
and extended eye
contact with strangers.
408
00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:20,932
Peter!
409
00:19:21,001 --> 00:19:22,698
Oh! Don't give me
that look, Tony.
That's exactly what you said.
410
00:19:22,768 --> 00:19:24,066
I said it right back to you.
411
00:19:27,201 --> 00:19:29,032
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
412
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,765
Excuse me. I'm sorry to
bother you people, but I
didn't know where else to go.
413
00:19:32,833 --> 00:19:35,999
I haven't seen Peter in
two days. And I just thought
he might be here.
414
00:19:36,068 --> 00:19:38,498
What? Oh, my God.
Peter's missing?
415
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:41,865
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Before anyone gets
too worked up,
416
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:43,599
I know where Peter is.
Where?
417
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:45,398
I put him in a straight camp.
You what?
418
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:47,165
Oh! You bastard!
419
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:49,498
Brian, why did you do that?
420
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,665
Well, it's just that you
seemed so unhappy
421
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:54,565
and I just wanted to help you
get your husband back.
422
00:19:54,633 --> 00:19:57,532
Who knows? By now,
Peter could be completely
heterosexual again.
423
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:02,131
♪ Throw out your hands
Stick out your tush
424
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,266
♪ Hands on your hips
Give them a push
425
00:20:04,334 --> 00:20:07,898
♪ You'll be surprised
You're doing the
French mistake, voila! ♪
426
00:20:07,967 --> 00:20:09,065
LOIS: Stop!
427
00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:11,798
Lois, what are you doing here?
428
00:20:11,867 --> 00:20:15,898
I'm here to get you
out of this place, Peter.
I'm taking you back to Scott.
429
00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:19,331
Really?
You're not still upset
about my leaving?
430
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,932
Peter, there's nothing
I'd want more than
to have you back,
431
00:20:22,001 --> 00:20:24,565
but your place
is in Scott now.
432
00:20:24,634 --> 00:20:29,965
I mean, a person's sexual
identity is no more a choice
than the color of his skin.
433
00:20:30,034 --> 00:20:35,932
This is who you are.
I can't change you. And it
would be wrong for me to try.
434
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:39,631
Lois, you've made me happier
than a pig among guinea pigs.
435
00:20:41,367 --> 00:20:44,665
All right, I think
we're all in agreement.
I'm in charge here.
436
00:20:49,234 --> 00:20:50,233
Hi, Peter!
437
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:51,998
Hi, Scott!
438
00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:56,965
Guess what?
I have a welcome
home surprise for you.
439
00:20:57,034 --> 00:20:58,699
(GASPS) Dish, dish, dish.
440
00:20:58,767 --> 00:21:02,565
Remember how you
told me your ultimate fantasy
was to have an 11-way?
441
00:21:02,634 --> 00:21:05,398
Oh, my God. Yes, I do.
And you so did not even.
442
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,199
Oh! But I did.
443
00:21:07,268 --> 00:21:08,832
Yoo-hoo! Guys.
444
00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:10,932
(SQUEALS)
445
00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:17,065
Oh! Here are my notes
about the gay gene.
446
00:21:17,134 --> 00:21:18,198
(SCOFFS)
447
00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:20,898
It wears off after
two and a half weeks.
448
00:21:20,967 --> 00:21:23,899
Oh! Great. Now I can't find
Mrs. Griffin's number.
449
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:25,999
Okay, everybody ready?
450
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:28,298
Oh! God, I feel like
a kid in a candy store
451
00:21:28,367 --> 00:21:30,599
who's having sex
with a bunch of gay guys.
452
00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:32,232
(MEN CHUCKLING)
453
00:21:32,301 --> 00:21:33,932
(MEN MOANING)
454
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:40,465
(PETER STUTTERS)
455
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:43,165
PETER: Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
456
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,098
Holy crap!
457
00:21:46,167 --> 00:21:47,699
(SCREAMING)
458
00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:51,298
These are mine!
459
00:21:57,068 --> 00:22:00,199
So we're just, like,
never gonna talk
about this again?
460
00:22:00,268 --> 00:22:01,665
That's right, sweetie.
461
00:22:01,734 --> 00:22:04,331
Well, I'm just happy
to have your father
home again.
462
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,499
Yeah. And thank God
everything's back to normal.
463
00:22:08,733 --> 00:22:10,832
MAN: Take back
your fucking horse.