1
00:00:13,934 --> 00:00:16,898
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,565
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:20,634 --> 00:00:23,932
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:27,165
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:30,398
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:30,467 --> 00:00:33,632
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,398
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:35,467 --> 00:00:37,132
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:37,201 --> 00:00:41,965
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:47,434 --> 00:00:50,532
Okay, Peter,
I'm off to my book club.
You'll babysit Stewie?
11
00:00:50,601 --> 00:00:52,232
Only if I can
have a Pawsicle.
12
00:00:52,301 --> 00:00:53,898
Only if you
say it right.
13
00:00:53,967 --> 00:00:56,098
Popsicle.
14
00:00:56,167 --> 00:00:58,832
Good. And you better be
responsible tonight.
15
00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:00,365
I don't want a repeat
of the last time
16
00:01:00,434 --> 00:01:02,499
I left you alone with
one of our children.
17
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:04,665
(SOBBING)
18
00:01:04,734 --> 00:01:06,732
It's just
so horrible.
19
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:08,498
I'm sorry, Lois.
20
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:11,765
I thought if I
shook him enough,
he'd stop crying.
21
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:13,398
I was kind of right.
22
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,066
Yeah, I'm babysitting
for Stewie.
23
00:01:19,135 --> 00:01:21,099
I babysit now
'cause I'm growing up.
24
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,531
I'm so getting
hair down there.
25
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,932
Anyway, you guys should
totally come over.
26
00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:28,465
What? You're already here?
No way!
27
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:30,198
(BOTH SCREAMING)
28
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:31,632
Look, I brought
four cigarettes
29
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,398
I filched from
my mom's purse.
30
00:01:33,467 --> 00:01:36,165
Give me one!
I want to look adult.
31
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:38,765
Hey, watch this.
32
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:43,498
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
33
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:47,265
Yeah? Watch this.
34
00:01:54,733 --> 00:01:56,965
Okay,
Quagmire's turn.
Truth or dare?
35
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,866
I pick dare. No, no.
Truth. Truth.
36
00:01:58,934 --> 00:01:59,999
Okay, truth.
37
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,899
Do you have AIDS?
38
00:02:01,968 --> 00:02:04,265
Come on,
we're all just trying
to have a good time.
39
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:06,432
Okay, Cleveland,
your turn.
Truth or dare?
40
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:07,932
Dare.
41
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,798
Okay, I dare you to
make out with Joe
for 15 seconds.
42
00:02:11,867 --> 00:02:12,865
What?
No way.
43
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:13,966
(EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION)
44
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:15,199
You got to.
It's a dare.
45
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:16,565
That's the game.
That's the game.
46
00:02:16,634 --> 00:02:18,966
Okay. What the hell.
I'm an open-minded
person.
47
00:02:19,034 --> 00:02:20,365
Yeah. So am I.
No big deal.
48
00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:22,032
Just my body.
49
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:25,698
Oh, my God!
They're going to do it!
Oh, I got to take a picture.
50
00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:28,331
Holy crap! No way.
No freakin' way.
51
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,365
Quagmire,
take a picture.
52
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:31,532
Oh, my God!
53
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,499
(LAUGHING)
54
00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:37,565
Hey! Keep it down.
It's just two guys
making out. Relax.
55
00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:39,332
Stewie, go to bed.
56
00:02:39,401 --> 00:02:43,199
What, am I expected
to put myself to bed?
Is no one taking care of me?
57
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:46,798
He's a worse dad than
a rich New York City
investment banker.
58
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,832
Hi, Daddy.
At school today,
they picked one kid...
59
00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:51,766
Millie,
it's in here again.
60
00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:53,266
Me sorry, mister-sir.
61
00:02:53,335 --> 00:02:55,798
Get out the room,
them there, you
bother your father.
62
00:02:55,868 --> 00:02:58,398
Him unhappy
him had you in
the first place.
63
00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:02,498
Now, come on.
I'll let you rub some
lotion on me elbows.
64
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:04,364
MAN ON TV: We now return
to Robert Mitchum
65
00:03:04,433 --> 00:03:08,099
in Out of Shape In-Shape Guy
from the '50s.
66
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:10,231
Gambling is illegal
in this town.
67
00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:12,298
Says who?
Says me.
68
00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:13,998
You got a problem
with that?
69
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:18,132
I'm not really sure.
Kind of waiting for
you to exhale.
70
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,032
(EXHALES)
71
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,965
Actually, yeah.
I do have a problem
with that.
72
00:03:23,034 --> 00:03:27,465
Oh, come on.
Stupid satellite TV.
Maybe I have to fix the dish.
73
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,198
Uh-oh!
74
00:03:32,267 --> 00:03:33,698
(GRUNTS)
75
00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:36,598
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Hey! Hey! Help! Help!
76
00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:42,631
Hey! Hey, Brian!
Brian!
77
00:03:42,701 --> 00:03:43,831
What the hell?
78
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:46,265
Call the fire brigade.
Get a ladder.
Get me down.
79
00:03:46,334 --> 00:03:48,065
What're you doing
up there?
80
00:03:48,134 --> 00:03:50,431
Fucking your girlfriend.
What do you think I'm
doing up here? I'm stuck.
81
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:51,665
How did you get
on the roof?
82
00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:53,065
What am I doing,
an interview?
83
00:03:53,134 --> 00:03:54,732
Shut up and get
a ladder or something.
84
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,798
Actually, yeah.
Maybe we are doing
an interview.
85
00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:59,565
So, Stewie, tell us
about that new project
you have coming up.
86
00:03:59,633 --> 00:04:01,398
What're you talking
about? Get me down,
you douche.
87
00:04:01,466 --> 00:04:03,732
No. First you tell me
about that new project.
88
00:04:03,801 --> 00:04:05,032
Oh, you are so dead.
89
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,265
Is that the title
of your new film?
90
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,364
(EXCLAIMS)
91
00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:08,999
I've been working
on a new movie
92
00:04:09,068 --> 00:04:10,599
and it's really great.
Toss me a rope!
93
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,898
No. That's not
good enough.
I want details.
94
00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:15,832
I'm gonna slit your
throat in your sleep.
95
00:04:15,901 --> 00:04:17,999
Well, when you're
working with
Jack Black,
96
00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:20,164
you just got to
keep up, you know.
97
00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:23,665
I mean, he's doing his
thing. And you got to
match his energy level
98
00:04:23,734 --> 00:04:25,732
without looking like
you're trying to
one-up him,
99
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:27,831
'cause, you know,
that's a game you're
just not going to win.
100
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:30,531
What was it like
having the privilege
of performing the words
101
00:04:30,601 --> 00:04:32,431
of Oscar winner
Diablo Cody?
102
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:35,732
She's a goddamn
over-priced call girl
who got lucky once.
103
00:04:35,801 --> 00:04:38,132
(EXCLAIMS)
That doesn't sound
like an interview answer.
104
00:04:38,201 --> 00:04:40,665
Say something nice
about Diablo Cody.
105
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:43,665
I envy the
tattoo artist
106
00:04:43,734 --> 00:04:46,999
who had that huge
canvas of arm fat
to work with.
107
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:50,032
(LAUGHS) Wonderful.
Wonderful. Hey, listen,
108
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:51,765
can you hang with us
through the break?
What?
109
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:55,398
We'll be right back with
Stewie's co-star
Robin Williams.
110
00:04:55,467 --> 00:04:56,464
No, no. I hate Robin...
Where you going?
111
00:04:56,533 --> 00:04:57,532
(THUNDER CRASHING)
112
00:04:58,834 --> 00:04:59,965
(WIND BLOWING)
113
00:05:00,034 --> 00:05:01,965
Stewie!
What?
114
00:05:02,034 --> 00:05:05,264
I have to tell you
about the future!
115
00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:06,331
What?
116
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,599
I have to tell you
about the future!
117
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,632
On the night, I go back...
118
00:05:11,701 --> 00:05:13,799
Wait, wait.
No, no, no, no.
Hang on, Michael.
119
00:05:13,867 --> 00:05:16,898
I have to tell you
about your future.
120
00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:18,999
Peter, Stewie
is on the roof.
121
00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:21,799
Nick Jonas is so cute.
122
00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:23,599
Hey, Peter.
Yeah.
123
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:24,998
Pillow fight!
124
00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:26,331
You bastard!
125
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,998
(ALL LAUGHING)
126
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:42,731
(LOIS EXCLAIMS)
127
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,631
Oh, my God!
Sorry, Lois.
128
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:45,898
Peter!
129
00:05:45,967 --> 00:05:49,098
What is our infant son
doing up on the roof?
130
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:50,831
STEWIE:
There's a raccoon up here.
131
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:53,465
Yikes! Looks like I
need a distraction.
132
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:55,899
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
133
00:05:55,967 --> 00:05:58,166
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
134
00:05:58,235 --> 00:06:00,166
(PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC)
135
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:12,432
♪ I see the sparkling
little diamond
136
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:15,799
♪ On your hand
137
00:06:17,534 --> 00:06:22,598
♪ It's plain to see
that you've already
138
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:25,598
♪ Got a man
139
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:32,998
♪ And I can tell
you're not about to fall
140
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:38,698
♪ For any of my lies
141
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:45,598
♪ I see the want to
in your eyes
142
00:06:47,434 --> 00:06:49,932
♪ Deep in your smile
143
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:54,899
♪ There's a quiet soft desire
144
00:06:57,301 --> 00:07:00,032
♪ Like the ember
145
00:07:00,101 --> 00:07:05,065
♪ Of a once raging fire
146
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:12,732
♪ You know I could
light that fire again
147
00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:18,632
♪ You know it isn't wise
148
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:25,532
♪ I see the want to
in your eyes
149
00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:33,065
♪ How strong's a band of gold?
150
00:07:33,134 --> 00:07:37,732
♪ Is it strong enough to hold?
151
00:07:37,801 --> 00:07:41,565
♪ When a love has grown cold?
152
00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:48,465
♪ And a woman wants
a love sweet and warm
153
00:07:50,401 --> 00:07:54,932
♪ How many women just like you
154
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,365
♪ Have silent schemes?
155
00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:03,198
♪ How many men like me
156
00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:08,832
♪ Do they sleep with
in their dreams?
157
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:14,765
♪ You can stay or you can go
158
00:08:14,834 --> 00:08:20,965
♪ And although I sympathize
159
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:27,932
♪ I see the want to
in your eyes
160
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:37,965
♪ I see the want to
in your eyes ♪
161
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:42,932
(APPLAUSE)
162
00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:46,298
Terrific. Terrific.
163
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:47,532
So, Lois, are you
still pissed at me
164
00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:48,898
about Stewie
being on the roof?
165
00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:50,632
Yes, Peter, I am.
166
00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:53,332
For crying out loud.
If Conway Twitty isn't
enough to lighten you up,
167
00:08:53,401 --> 00:08:54,531
what more is it
going to take?
168
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,699
A minotaur with
Sean Connery's head?
169
00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:57,832
(DOORBELL RINGING)
170
00:08:57,901 --> 00:08:59,899
(LOIS GROANS)
171
00:08:59,968 --> 00:09:01,732
(IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE)
Is this 31, Spooner...
172
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,231
Get out of here!
Just get the hell
out of here!
173
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:07,165
(HOOVES CLOMPING)
174
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:09,799
Look, Lois, what do you say
we just bury the hatchet,
huh?
175
00:09:09,868 --> 00:09:13,431
We'll stay in tonight,
pop some popcorn and
watch Jimmy Kimmel try.
176
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:17,065
No, thank you, Peter.
And even if I wanted to,
the TV is out.
177
00:09:17,134 --> 00:09:18,832
There must be something
wrong with the dish.
178
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:19,932
It's all right.
It's all right.
179
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:23,332
I'll fix your dish.
Where's my screwdriver?
180
00:09:23,401 --> 00:09:27,899
Holy crap! You're not
going to believe what
I just found.
181
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,432
A yellow piece of paper?
182
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:32,898
A raffle ticket, Brian.
But not just any raffle
ticket.
183
00:09:32,967 --> 00:09:34,798
I won this in 1989
184
00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:36,432
from a Honey Nut
Cheerios sweepstakes
185
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,199
and I totally forgot
to cash it in.
186
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,998
It's one free round of golf
with a famous celebrity.
187
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:43,298
Wow! Who's the celebrity?
188
00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:45,831
I'll give you a hint.
Famous football player.
189
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:49,965
Had a bit part in Roots.
Couple of great scenes
in The Towering Inferno.
190
00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:51,831
Wait a minute.
Chuck Connors?
191
00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:54,098
He was
a basketball player
and he was in Roots.
192
00:09:54,167 --> 00:09:56,899
Yeah, he wasn't in
The Towering Inferno,
you dumb beaver.
193
00:09:56,968 --> 00:09:59,698
What?
I didn't say nothing.
194
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:00,765
Dad, who is it?
195
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:01,999
O.J. Simpson.
196
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:04,799
Who's that?
197
00:10:04,868 --> 00:10:07,399
O.J. Simpson
on Spooner Street.
198
00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:10,565
Now that's a story
I can sink my teeth into.
199
00:10:10,634 --> 00:10:12,233
Stick around.
200
00:10:18,234 --> 00:10:23,465
Peter, why in the world
would you want to play
golf with O.J. Simpson?
201
00:10:23,533 --> 00:10:25,298
Why not, Lois?
He's The Juice.
202
00:10:25,366 --> 00:10:27,265
One of the greatest
football players ever.
203
00:10:27,334 --> 00:10:29,765
Peter, he murdered
two people.
204
00:10:29,834 --> 00:10:31,266
What?
205
00:10:31,335 --> 00:10:33,531
He brutally
killed his ex-wife,
Nicole Brown Simpson,
206
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,099
and her friend
Ron Goldman.
207
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,232
O.J. Simpson?
208
00:10:36,301 --> 00:10:37,333
Yes.
209
00:10:37,401 --> 00:10:38,598
Was this in the news?
210
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,899
Yes, Peter.
It was all over the news.
211
00:10:40,968 --> 00:10:43,999
Well, now, wait a minute.
If he killed two people,
how come he's not in jail?
212
00:10:44,068 --> 00:10:45,098
He was acquitted.
213
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,832
Well, there you go.
Everything's fine.
214
00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:48,565
Well, Peter,
it's generally
believed
215
00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,032
that the jury
made a mistake.
216
00:10:50,101 --> 00:10:51,431
You're saying
all those guys
217
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,631
in their powdery wigs
and their pilgrim hats
218
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,132
and their big gross
wives were wrong?
219
00:10:56,201 --> 00:10:57,765
Man, they'd have to be
stupider than you are
220
00:10:57,834 --> 00:10:59,133
when you fart
yourself awake.
221
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,065
(FARTS)
222
00:11:01,134 --> 00:11:03,399
(EXCLAIMS) What the...
What... Who's there?
What's going on?
223
00:11:04,701 --> 00:11:08,465
Whatever is happening here,
just knock it off.
224
00:11:13,301 --> 00:11:14,798
So, I, Peter Griffin,
225
00:11:14,868 --> 00:11:17,531
will be playing
one free round
of golf tomorrow
226
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,431
with the one and
only O.J. Simpson.
227
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:23,299
What? Peter,
you can't play golf
with O.J. Simpson.
228
00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:24,866
He's a murderer.
229
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,565
You sound just like
Lois. No, no, Joe.
I don't believe you.
230
00:11:27,634 --> 00:11:31,065
Yeah? Well, say that
after a soul-searching
walk around town
231
00:11:31,134 --> 00:11:32,698
to Dust in the Wind.
232
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:37,799
♪ I close my eyes
233
00:11:37,868 --> 00:11:41,665
♪ Only for a moment
and the moment's gone
234
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:48,066
♪ All my dreams
235
00:11:48,135 --> 00:11:51,899
♪ Pass before my eyes,
that curiosity
236
00:11:54,201 --> 00:11:57,032
♪ Dust in the wind
237
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:02,166
♪ All they are is
dust in the wind ♪
238
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:05,364
Oh, my God, Joe,
you're right.
239
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,331
O.J. Simpson
is a murderer.
240
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,032
What am I gonna do?
I'm playing golf
with him tomorrow.
241
00:12:10,101 --> 00:12:12,132
Well, now,
wait a minute,
Peter.
242
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,331
This maybe an
unprecedented
opportunity.
243
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,865
Maybe you
can wear a wire,
get O.J. to confess
244
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:18,565
and we can tape
the whole thing.
245
00:12:18,633 --> 00:12:20,398
Wow, imagine it.
246
00:12:20,466 --> 00:12:23,431
Peter Griffin,
the guy who
took down O.J.
247
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,066
Marcia Clark sure
couldn't do it.
That dumb beaver.
248
00:12:26,135 --> 00:12:31,166
Hey, I wasn't even there.
I was building a Canadian
dam at the time.
249
00:12:31,233 --> 00:12:33,899
Did you know that
beavers affect
their ecosystem
250
00:12:33,967 --> 00:12:36,032
more than any
other animal?
251
00:12:36,101 --> 00:12:37,631
Except man.
252
00:12:37,701 --> 00:12:40,132
(LAUGHS) He was in
our house earlier.
253
00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:44,932
Now, remember, Peter,
254
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,232
we're going to be
right here in the van
if anything goes wrong.
255
00:12:47,301 --> 00:12:50,032
Just try to
get O.J. talking
about the murders.
256
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:53,299
Do you think he'd be
offended if I asked him
to sign this basketball?
257
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:54,632
Yeah, I think he'd
be very offended.
258
00:12:54,701 --> 00:12:55,699
QUAGMIRE: Oh!
259
00:12:57,667 --> 00:12:58,698
All right, Joe.
Can you hear me?
260
00:12:58,767 --> 00:12:59,765
JOE: Loud and clear, Peter.
261
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:06,899
Man, I don't think
I can do this.
262
00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:08,799
Joe, say something
to relax me.
263
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:13,232
JOE: ♪ Well, I've been
afraid of changing
264
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:18,698
♪ 'Cause I've built
my life around you
265
00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:21,598
♪ But time makes you bolder
266
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:27,899
♪ Even children get older
and I'm getting older, too
267
00:13:27,967 --> 00:13:29,165
That's right, Peter.
268
00:13:29,234 --> 00:13:32,632
♪ I'm getting older, too ♪
269
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,831
Thanks. I feel better.
270
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:36,231
Hi. Are you
Peter Griffin?
271
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:37,731
That's my name.
Don't put a knife in it.
272
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,165
Nice to meet you.
Come on, let's tee off.
273
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:45,966
Damn it. Will you look
at these golf shoes?
They're all scuffed up.
274
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:49,665
My wife was
supposed to polish them,
but clearly she forgot.
275
00:13:49,733 --> 00:13:53,865
Man, sometimes I just
feel like I could just
stab her repeatedly.
276
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:57,166
White women, huh?
Jewish waiters, too.
277
00:13:57,234 --> 00:14:00,333
I got this Jewish waiter
one time. It was awful.
Didn't tip him.
278
00:14:00,401 --> 00:14:02,532
You ever do anything bad
to a Jewish waiter?
279
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,565
What's that, Peter?
I'm sorry. I was
focusing on my drive.
280
00:14:05,634 --> 00:14:08,465
You're doing great,
Peter. Just don't let
him intimidate you.
281
00:14:08,533 --> 00:14:11,498
Guys, guys. Someone's
getting frogged in
the clubhouse.
282
00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:13,432
Quagmire!
She sounds fat.
283
00:14:15,001 --> 00:14:17,032
Hey, you know
what I like to do
sometimes, Juice?
284
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,598
I like to just confess
things I've done
to people.
285
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:21,499
You know, just clear
my conscience.
286
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,465
Makes me feel
a whole lot better.
287
00:14:23,534 --> 00:14:24,965
Anything you'd
like to confess?
288
00:14:25,034 --> 00:14:26,932
No. Not really.
289
00:14:27,001 --> 00:14:30,398
JOE: Peter, we're not really
hearing him very well.
Can you get closer?
290
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,465
Are you sure, O.J.?
291
00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:35,265
Are you sure you
wouldn't like to confess
292
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,898
to the murders of
Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Goldman?
293
00:14:37,967 --> 00:14:39,131
What?
294
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,265
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
SQUEAKING)
295
00:14:40,334 --> 00:14:43,032
What the hell is that?
You're wearing a wire!
296
00:14:43,101 --> 00:14:44,599
(TIRES SCREECHING)
297
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:46,231
I am so murdered.
298
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,565
Peter, I'm hurt.
299
00:14:47,634 --> 00:14:49,232
How could you
deceive me
like this?
300
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,564
Oh, God, O.J.!
Please don't kill me.
301
00:14:51,633 --> 00:14:56,266
Wait a minute.
Is this about that whole
business back in 1994?
302
00:14:56,335 --> 00:14:58,098
Well, yeah.
Darn it.
303
00:14:58,167 --> 00:15:00,831
That's been chasing me
for 13 years.
304
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,065
And here I was
looking forward
to a nice day of golf,
305
00:15:04,134 --> 00:15:06,999
away from all those people
who have demonized me
306
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,265
and made me out to be
some kind of boogeyman,
307
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:12,565
even though
I was found innocent
by a jury of my peers.
308
00:15:12,634 --> 00:15:13,932
But what about
the civil trial?
309
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,166
Believe me, Peter,
310
00:15:15,235 --> 00:15:16,866
there was nothing
civil about it.
311
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:18,266
(LAUGHS)
312
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,299
Well, that makes up
for one murder.
313
00:15:20,367 --> 00:15:23,631
The only thing
I'm guilty of is
a few bad movies.
314
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:26,798
That makes up for
the other murder.
I am sold.
315
00:15:26,868 --> 00:15:28,899
You're so witty
and charming.
316
00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:31,032
That's nice of you
to say, Peter.
317
00:15:31,101 --> 00:15:34,099
It's been so long
since I've had a friend.
318
00:15:34,168 --> 00:15:37,231
(CRYING)
319
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:41,464
You poor fellow.
Gosh, there's no way you
could've killed anybody.
320
00:15:41,533 --> 00:15:43,166
Not with those sad eyes.
321
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:44,732
I'm gonna make sure
everything's gonna
be all right.
322
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,498
Hey, everybody.
Look who I brought home.
323
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:53,032
Ten thousand rushing yards,
six pro-bowls, two arrests
and no convictions.
324
00:15:53,101 --> 00:15:54,432
Orenthal James Simpson.
325
00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:55,565
Hi, Griffins.
326
00:15:55,633 --> 00:15:56,899
Oh, my God!
What the...
327
00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:58,532
I just think
you're terrific.
328
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,698
O.J. Simpson?
329
00:16:00,768 --> 00:16:05,232
I may be a dumb beaver,
but I'm smart enough
to get out of here.
330
00:16:12,268 --> 00:16:15,032
O.J., this
is my family.
Family, O.J.
331
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,499
It's nice to meet you all.
Hey, Peter, you mind if
I use your restroom?
332
00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,632
No. It's upstairs
and to the left.
333
00:16:20,701 --> 00:16:22,198
Peter, are you
out of your mind?
334
00:16:22,266 --> 00:16:24,398
Bringing O.J. Simpson
into our home?
335
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:26,264
Well, don't make that
face at me, Lois.
336
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,332
O.J. is innocent,
all right?
Innocent?
337
00:16:28,401 --> 00:16:31,698
Yes. The most perfect
justice system in the
world found him innocent.
338
00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:33,165
But we know
he did it.
339
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:34,732
You were there?
I didn't realize that.
340
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,832
And you didn't do
anything to stop it.
Accessory to murder!
341
00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:39,732
Why are you so quick
to defend this guy?
342
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,232
Because he was
a childhood hero, Brian.
343
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:45,631
Yes, he had a few
marital problems, but
I used to look up to him.
344
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,599
That's it, isn't it?
You idolized
O.J. Simpson as a boy
345
00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:49,999
and you just can't
accept the fact
346
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:51,598
that he's not who
you thought he was.
347
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:52,899
All right, enough
with the yappity-yap.
348
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,032
O.J. is going to stay
here with us in Quahog
349
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,366
until I can help him
get his life back on track.
350
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:02,598
Hi, Lois.
351
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:05,166
(GASPS) Hello, O.J.
352
00:17:05,235 --> 00:17:08,265
Anything I can do
to help make dinner?
353
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:11,032
Sure. You can
take the lasagna
out of the oven.
354
00:17:11,101 --> 00:17:12,498
You got it.
355
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,898
Wouldn't you know it,
it won't fit.
356
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:21,098
Well, it's all right.
How hot can it be?
357
00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:23,232
(EXCLAIMS)
358
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:26,366
Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry.
359
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:27,665
It's all right, O.J.
360
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:29,465
Let me get something
to clean that up.
361
00:17:30,134 --> 00:17:31,165
(SCREAMING)
362
00:17:31,234 --> 00:17:32,632
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
363
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,065
Brian,
what's the matter?
364
00:17:34,134 --> 00:17:36,099
(SIGHS) You're alive.
365
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:38,399
Yeah. We just had
a little pasta spill.
366
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:39,632
Oh, thank God.
367
00:17:39,701 --> 00:17:41,399
(SIGHS)
368
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:45,499
It's okay, Brian.
It's not the first accident
we've had in this house.
369
00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:48,565
Okay. One, two...
Hang on, hang on,
Brian.
370
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:51,365
Stop the wheel.
Stop the wheel.
I BM-ed.
371
00:17:51,434 --> 00:17:54,099
Hey, Juice.
Is it all right if I
call you Juice? Great.
372
00:17:54,168 --> 00:17:56,132
Listen, I was wondering
if you could give me
a little advice
373
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,299
on how to murder a woman
and get away with it.
374
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:01,465
Cool. Look at that.
Hey, Chris. Go, long.
375
00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:03,565
(SCREAMING)
376
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,565
Touch down!
377
00:18:06,633 --> 00:18:08,132
Good grief.
378
00:18:09,567 --> 00:18:10,999
What're you doing,
O.J.?
379
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:14,232
Well, I got no money
left to pay off my
civil suit debt.
380
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:17,098
So I'm making a God's Eye
to send to Fred Goldman.
381
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:19,398
It's kind of nice,
right?
382
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,832
Better than nothing.
383
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:22,865
He's got money to buy
tongue depressors
and yarn,
384
00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:24,498
but not enough
to pay us back?
385
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:26,732
Do you know how
much mustache cream
that could've bought?
386
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,099
I don't like the
mustache, Fred.
387
00:18:28,168 --> 00:18:29,699
Nobody likes
the mustache.
388
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:31,166
That's why we
lost the trial.
389
00:18:31,233 --> 00:18:32,865
That's not true.
390
00:18:40,234 --> 00:18:41,366
Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker.
391
00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:42,832
And I'm Diane Simmons.
392
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:44,699
Our top story tonight.
Quahog, Rhode Island.
393
00:18:44,768 --> 00:18:47,299
Known for
quaint neighborhoods,
white sandy beaches
394
00:18:47,368 --> 00:18:50,499
and harboring
blood-thirsty
murderers?
395
00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:53,165
That's right, Tom.
Former murderer
O.J. Simpson
396
00:18:53,234 --> 00:18:54,665
has moved to Quahog.
397
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,399
We don't have footage
of the murder itself,
398
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:58,032
but we can show you
what happened,
399
00:18:58,101 --> 00:19:00,798
thanks to this reenactment
by the Quahog Opera Company.
400
00:19:04,234 --> 00:19:10,399
♪ I love you, Nicole,
but I must confess
401
00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:16,632
♪ To some trepidation
for I am a lonely waiter
402
00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:22,965
♪ Who loves a lass
above his station
403
00:19:23,034 --> 00:19:28,399
♪ But, soft, Ron,
my husband draws near
404
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:33,266
♪ Nicole, I'm back
from filming the third
405
00:19:33,335 --> 00:19:35,966
♪ Naked Gun movie
406
00:19:38,268 --> 00:19:42,399
♪ Oh, horror
You have betrayed me
407
00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:45,966
♪ Al Cowling said
it would be so
408
00:19:46,801 --> 00:19:48,665
♪ Kato!
409
00:19:48,734 --> 00:19:55,598
♪ I didn't see
a thing ♪
410
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:02,431
Well, it looks like
this is one more town
the media has run me out of.
411
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,832
Now wait a second, Juice.
You can't let them tell
you how to live your life.
412
00:20:05,901 --> 00:20:07,531
You've been running
for too long.
413
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,431
I say you let people
get to know you
the way I have.
414
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,098
You really think
that's possible,
Peter?
415
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,532
Of course it is.
416
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,798
We'll even throw a big party
and invite everybody in town.
417
00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:17,665
And I promise
they'll accept you.
418
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,998
Peter, I really
appreciate this,
419
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:24,898
but are you sure
people are ready?
420
00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:27,231
Absolutely, O.J.
This party will
give you a chance
421
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:28,798
to get know everybody
422
00:20:28,867 --> 00:20:31,365
and give them a chance
to get to know the
real O.J. Simpson.
423
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:34,198
Peter, do you really
expect anyone
to show up?
424
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,698
Sure I do.
Look, here comes
a bunch of people.
425
00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:39,032
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
426
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,132
Wow, what a turnout.
427
00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:45,731
Peter, that's not a group
of enthusiastic
party guests,
428
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,098
that's an angry mob.
429
00:20:49,366 --> 00:20:51,565
We don't want you
in our town, Simpson.
430
00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:54,399
We don't love you
like we did in 1993.
431
00:20:54,467 --> 00:20:55,865
D'oh!
432
00:20:55,934 --> 00:20:59,032
And as for you, O.J.,
we don't want you
here either.
433
00:21:02,834 --> 00:21:04,565
(PETER EXCLAIMS)
434
00:21:04,634 --> 00:21:08,065
Anyone who wants
a piece of O.J.
has to get by me.
435
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:10,032
No, Peter.
This is my fight.
436
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:12,398
And I'll be the
one to fight it.
437
00:21:12,466 --> 00:21:14,698
Look at you all.
Look what you're doing.
438
00:21:14,767 --> 00:21:17,698
Why, you're no better than
what you made me out to be.
439
00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:19,966
Sure, I made some
mistakes in my life.
440
00:21:20,034 --> 00:21:22,398
I forget to take
the trash out
some days,
441
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:25,198
I've left the toothpaste cap
on the bathroom counter.
442
00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:26,532
I've taped football games
443
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,231
without the express
written consent
444
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:30,932
of the National
Football League.
445
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,032
I guess what I'm saying
is I'm not perfect.
446
00:21:34,101 --> 00:21:37,264
The only difference
is I have the courage
to admit it.
447
00:21:37,333 --> 00:21:39,565
Does anyone else
have the courage?
448
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:42,865
If so, why don't you just
come on up here and join me?
449
00:21:42,934 --> 00:21:45,166
He's right.
I'm not perfect.
450
00:21:47,767 --> 00:21:49,765
I suppose
I'm not either.
451
00:21:52,335 --> 00:21:54,598
I guess none of
us are perfect.
452
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:56,531
Boy, do I feel
like a jerk.
453
00:21:56,601 --> 00:21:57,999
Me, too.
454
00:21:58,068 --> 00:22:00,899
I think we owe you
an apology, O.J.
455
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,131
You see,
none of us
are perfect.
456
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,431
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
457
00:22:12,067 --> 00:22:13,066
(SCREAMING)
458
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,298
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
459
00:22:19,733 --> 00:22:20,999
Well, I guess
he did do it.