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00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,932
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,001 --> 00:00:09,298
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:12,965
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,034 --> 00:00:16,099
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,167 --> 00:00:19,298
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,366 --> 00:00:22,665
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:24,432
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,032
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:29,599
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,867 --> 00:00:38,265
Check it out, guys.
New driver's license.
11
00:00:38,334 --> 00:00:39,799
What's wrong
with your picture?
12
00:00:39,868 --> 00:00:42,332
Well, see,
I got drunk and then
got my picture taken.
13
00:00:42,401 --> 00:00:44,199
So that way when
I get pulled over
for drunk driving,
14
00:00:44,267 --> 00:00:46,232
I look the same
as on my license.
15
00:00:46,301 --> 00:00:48,098
You know?
Then the copper,
the copper'll say,
16
00:00:48,167 --> 00:00:49,398
"You're fine.
You're not drunk.
17
00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:51,432
"This is you normal.
I can tell by the picture."
18
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:55,199
I wish I'd thought of that.
I just got my new license
a month ago.
19
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,166
What's with
the big grin?
20
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:02,932
Oh, I'd just gotten
a new tube of Aquafresh,
and I was feeling cocky.
21
00:01:03,001 --> 00:01:04,965
Hey, let's see yours, Joe.
No.
22
00:01:05,034 --> 00:01:06,032
Come on!
23
00:01:06,101 --> 00:01:07,431
(SIGHS)
24
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:08,865
Wait,
why does it say...
25
00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:10,431
Yeah.
26
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:13,799
They were
all out of handicap
that day, so I got retarded.
27
00:01:13,867 --> 00:01:16,965
Hey, let's see
yours, Quagmire.
28
00:01:17,034 --> 00:01:19,232
Wait a second.
You were born
in 1948?
29
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:20,332
Uh, yeah.
30
00:01:20,401 --> 00:01:22,265
You're 61 years old?
31
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:23,365
Uh, yes, sir.
32
00:01:23,434 --> 00:01:24,532
What's your secret?
33
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,098
Uh, carrots.
34
00:01:26,167 --> 00:01:28,765
Sometimes I grind
them up into juice
or just eat them raw.
35
00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:30,065
Or insert
them anally.
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00:01:30,134 --> 00:01:32,265
As long as
I get them into
my body somehow.
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00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,132
(SCATTING)
38
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,832
NEWS ANNOUNCER: And
now back to the Fox News
report with Rhonda Latimer.
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00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:41,365
Oh, God! That new Fox News
reporter is so freaking hot.
40
00:01:41,433 --> 00:01:43,799
Good evening. I'm
Rhonda Latimer
for Fox News.
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00:01:43,867 --> 00:01:45,431
Here are
tonight's
top stories.
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00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:48,199
Oh, she's just
so smoking hot!
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00:01:48,268 --> 00:01:52,965
God, I would do things to her
that she would probably laugh
at.
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00:01:53,034 --> 00:01:54,199
You bitch!
45
00:01:57,067 --> 00:02:00,099
MAN ON TV: We now return
to Woody Allen's Bananas
Over Broadway.
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00:02:00,167 --> 00:02:02,432
I hate it when Woody
casts another actor
in a role
47
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:04,699
he's supposed to play,
'cause they always act
like him.
48
00:02:04,768 --> 00:02:06,032
What're you
talking about?
49
00:02:06,101 --> 00:02:08,198
I thought
Patrick Stewart was
great as Melvin Shiverman.
50
00:02:08,267 --> 00:02:12,132
You know, Nietzsche says we're
doomed to live the same life
over and over again,
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00:02:12,201 --> 00:02:13,966
(CLEARS THROAT)
which is bad news
because it means
52
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,298
I have to sit through
the Ice-Capades again.
53
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:18,332
Change it to Fox News!
It's time for Rhonda
Latimer.
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00:02:18,401 --> 00:02:19,965
(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)
Again, Peter?
55
00:02:20,034 --> 00:02:21,398
You have a wife, you know.
56
00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:22,899
Lois, if it makes
you feel any better,
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00:02:22,967 --> 00:02:25,899
I'm
thinking about her every
time I masturbate to her.
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00:02:25,968 --> 00:02:28,464
And we also
want to remind you
that Fox News switches
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00:02:28,533 --> 00:02:30,632
to
high definition
starting Monday.
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00:02:30,701 --> 00:02:33,198
Aw, crap!
Does this mean we
gotta get a new TV?
61
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,699
Looks that way.
Great.
62
00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:37,199
I need another expense
like I need a hole in
the head,
63
00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:38,966
and I don't need that.
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00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,132
I'm telling you,
this thing has turned out
to be nothing but a burden.
65
00:02:41,201 --> 00:02:43,765
Oh, my God! Peter!
When did you get that?
66
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:45,699
Eh, a few of the fellows
at work talked me into it,
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00:02:45,767 --> 00:02:47,032
said it was something
I might need.
68
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:48,699
Well, it's horrible!
69
00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:51,598
And the worst thing is
I found out I got it
on the gay side.
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00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:53,232
Hey, are you
coming out tonight?
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00:02:53,301 --> 00:02:55,766
I'm not gay!
They put the hole
in the wrong side.
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00:02:58,934 --> 00:03:00,932
All right, family.
The wait is over.
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00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,265
I give you
hi-def television!
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00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:06,332
Ooh! Can I have the box?
75
00:03:06,401 --> 00:03:09,399
Look at me!
I'm an Iraq War
vet in 10 years.
76
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:11,199
No, we're gonna
take good care
of them.
77
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:14,332
Wow! Look at
that HD picture!
78
00:03:14,401 --> 00:03:18,065
Yeah. It's so
clear you can even see
Ellen DeGeneres' breath.
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00:03:18,134 --> 00:03:22,232
Well, my
guest today is Seth Rogen,
who's got a new movie out.
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00:03:22,301 --> 00:03:27,265
Now, Seth,
this movie is hot.
It's just hot, hot, hot.
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00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:30,032
How does it feel to have
the hottest film in
Hollywood?
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00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:32,932
What the fuck? Did
you eat pussy backstage?
83
00:03:36,267 --> 00:03:39,499
And now the real
reason to have
an HDTV.
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00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:41,698
NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now
the Fox News 6:00 Report
85
00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:44,598
with Rhonda Latimer
in high definition.
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00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:46,798
Good evening, everyone.
And I hope you're as
thrilled
87
00:03:46,867 --> 00:03:49,032
about the new
format change
as I am.
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00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,465
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
89
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:51,765
Aah!
Aah!
90
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:53,132
Aah!
Aah!
91
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,432
Aah!
Aah!
92
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,365
Oh, no!
MAN: Oh, no!
93
00:03:56,433 --> 00:03:57,532
(EXCLAIMS)
94
00:03:57,601 --> 00:03:59,198
Aah!
95
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:02,099
I'll get all of the
"A's" out of my body.
96
00:04:02,168 --> 00:04:05,665
Aah!
97
00:04:05,734 --> 00:04:06,899
(EXCLAIMS)
98
00:04:06,967 --> 00:04:08,399
We interrupt this
report to inform you
99
00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:11,099
Rhonda Latimer
has been relocated
to Guantanamo Bay.
100
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:14,165
Coming up,
the new format
that makes HD obsolete.
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00:04:14,234 --> 00:04:15,232
PETER: God damn it!
102
00:04:20,266 --> 00:04:23,798
Mom, do you ever feel
not so fresh down there?
103
00:04:23,867 --> 00:04:26,065
No. There must be
something wrong
with you.
104
00:04:26,134 --> 00:04:27,698
Really?
Yeah.
105
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,432
I've never had that problem
and I don't know any woman
who has.
106
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:31,999
Hey, look at this.
107
00:04:32,068 --> 00:04:34,632
Fox News is looking for
a replacement for
Rhonda Latimer.
108
00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:37,598
Hey, Mom, you should try out.
I mean, you majored in
journalism,
109
00:04:37,667 --> 00:04:39,099
and you've never
done anything with it.
110
00:04:39,168 --> 00:04:41,965
Well,
I did write for
my college newspaper.
111
00:04:42,034 --> 00:04:44,932
Yeah. Didn't you do
an interview with that
fast-talking FedEx guy?
112
00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:47,632
Yeah.
I ended up dating
him for three months.
113
00:04:47,701 --> 00:04:49,332
That's
a beautiful
shade of lipstick.
114
00:04:49,401 --> 00:04:51,032
I bet you enjoy the
music of Men at Work.
You're incredibly foxy.
115
00:04:51,101 --> 00:04:52,465
Take
off your shirt, your pants.
What a body! That feels good.
116
00:04:52,533 --> 00:04:54,098
I'll give you a call.
You'd better get tested.
117
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,199
Yeah, Mom.
You should be a reporter.
118
00:04:56,268 --> 00:04:59,131
Well, I mean,
I guess there's no
harm in trying out.
119
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,899
Hey, Lois!
A little less yackety-yak,
120
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,765
a little more
cutting up my banana!
121
00:05:02,833 --> 00:05:04,765
What am I supposed to do?
Stick the whole thing in
my mouth?
122
00:05:04,833 --> 00:05:06,398
I mean...
Oh, hello.
123
00:05:06,467 --> 00:05:09,265
Lois, you can't possibly be
considering working for
Fox News.
124
00:05:09,334 --> 00:05:10,899
Well, why not?
Why not?
125
00:05:10,968 --> 00:05:12,732
Because they're evil,
and they distort the
truth,
126
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:14,632
and they do the bidding
of the Republican Party!
127
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,665
I mean, what other
reasons do you need?
128
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:19,265
Don't
listen to Brian, Lois.
You'd be great on camera,
129
00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:22,198
like I was when I played
that dead body on Law & Order.
130
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:24,132
Well, until I got
that itch in my crotch.
131
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,531
The contusion on his left
temple implies he was hit
by a blunt object,
132
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,366
and the cuts
imply a struggle.
133
00:05:29,435 --> 00:05:30,665
So it was murder.
134
00:05:30,733 --> 00:05:31,999
But the question
is who?
135
00:05:32,068 --> 00:05:34,232
Well,
whoever it was
wears nail polish.
136
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,832
We found
traces in
the wounds.
137
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,066
Well, that
narrows it
down.
138
00:05:37,134 --> 00:05:38,333
At least we know
it wasn't the father.
139
00:05:38,401 --> 00:05:40,066
Yeah,
but we still
gotta find out...
140
00:05:40,134 --> 00:05:41,531
(SCRATCHING)
141
00:05:42,867 --> 00:05:43,999
(PETER SIGHS IN SATISFACTION)
142
00:05:44,068 --> 00:05:46,032
PETER: Thank God!
143
00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:54,465
All right, Fox News
auditions, take one.
144
00:05:54,534 --> 00:05:56,698
Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing
news stories.
145
00:05:56,768 --> 00:05:58,899
Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing
news stories!
146
00:05:58,968 --> 00:06:01,198
Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing
news stories!
147
00:06:01,266 --> 00:06:02,999
Hi,
I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's
148
00:06:03,068 --> 00:06:06,132
Wacky Waving Inflatable
Arm-Flailing Tubeman
Warehouse and Emporium.
149
00:06:06,201 --> 00:06:08,265
Due to
a lack of interest in
my shoddy merchandise,
150
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:10,966
a soul-crushing divorce, and
a never-ending custody battle,
151
00:06:11,034 --> 00:06:13,133
I am desperately trying
to get into another
line of work,
152
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,165
and I am
hoping to pass
the news on to you!
153
00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:19,965
I... I no can
read these words.
154
00:06:20,034 --> 00:06:22,965
This
is the way we deliver
the news on the high seas.
155
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:24,899
♪ Thirteen are dead
in a subway in Paris
156
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,999
♪ And heavy rains flooded
the east side of Pittsburgh
157
00:06:27,068 --> 00:06:28,866
♪ And gas prices
have hit a 14-year high
158
00:06:28,934 --> 00:06:31,564
♪ And Britney backed
over her 7-month-old ♪
159
00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:35,232
And even though this
Iraqi veteran lost
his hands,
160
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,998
he didn't lose
his ability to
feel.
161
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:40,365
I'm
Lois Griffin
for Fox News.
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00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:41,732
Great story, Lois.
163
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:43,531
Thanks. I just made it up.
164
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,665
You know, I've been doing this
job a long time, and I think
you've got what it takes.
165
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:48,999
(CHUCKLES) You're kidding.
Really?
Yes.
166
00:06:49,068 --> 00:06:51,464
How would you like to be
our newest on-air reporter?
167
00:06:51,533 --> 00:06:53,032
(CHUCKLING)
168
00:06:53,101 --> 00:06:55,799
You know, I came down here
not even thinking I had
a shot.
169
00:06:55,867 --> 00:06:58,364
And now you're
telling me this?
170
00:06:58,433 --> 00:07:00,498
Gosh, it's an
awfully big
decision!
171
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:03,265
Lois, please,
take the job,
for Fox sake!
172
00:07:03,333 --> 00:07:04,465
Well...
173
00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:06,599
(LAUGHS) All right!
I'll do it!
174
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,198
Great!
Here's your contract.
175
00:07:08,266 --> 00:07:11,298
Now run home, Lois!
Run as fast as you can!
176
00:07:13,001 --> 00:07:13,999
(THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)
177
00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:31,665
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
178
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,899
Good morning, everyone.
Well, do I look TV-ready?
179
00:07:54,968 --> 00:07:56,498
Lois,
I can't believe
you're doing this.
180
00:07:56,566 --> 00:07:59,298
If you work for Fox News,
you're gonna be selling
your soul.
181
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:02,265
Oh, Brian, come on.
They're a major
news network.
182
00:08:02,333 --> 00:08:04,199
I would think
you'd be excited for me.
183
00:08:04,267 --> 00:08:05,966
Are you kidding?
They're a lie factory.
184
00:08:06,034 --> 00:08:07,999
They report
whatever they
damn well please.
185
00:08:08,068 --> 00:08:10,632
You know, Brian, you're
welcome to come with me
and see for yourself
186
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,066
that it's
all on the level.
187
00:08:12,135 --> 00:08:13,932
You know,
I just might take
you up on that, Lois.
188
00:08:14,001 --> 00:08:16,398
And I know another way
we can take advantage
of this.
189
00:08:16,466 --> 00:08:18,765
Chris, Meg, meet me in
the living room in 10
minutes,
190
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:19,932
and bring
a pencil and paper.
191
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,032
Dad,
what are we doing?
192
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,565
Meg, now that Lois
has connections at
Fox,
193
00:08:25,633 --> 00:08:28,199
we are gonna invent
our own cartoon show,
194
00:08:28,268 --> 00:08:30,966
and we are here to
brainstorm ideas.
All right, go.
195
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:32,431
Anything that
pops into your head.
196
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:34,999
Ooh!
How about a show about
a bunch of disabled ducks,
197
00:08:35,068 --> 00:08:36,899
and we'll call
it Handiquacks?
198
00:08:36,968 --> 00:08:39,765
Wow! Caught fire a little
earlier than I thought we
would. Perfect.
199
00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:41,732
All right, let's
spend many hours
on this.
200
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,465
All right,
the main duck,
what's his name?
201
00:08:43,533 --> 00:08:45,732
I don't know,
Red Heinie Monkey?
202
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,598
(LAUGHS) I love it!
I love it. All right.
203
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:49,266
Now,
what's his wacky
neighbor duck's name?
204
00:08:49,335 --> 00:08:50,999
Giddy Goose?
205
00:08:51,068 --> 00:08:54,266
Meg, please try to
formulate ideas clearly
before you vocalize them.
206
00:08:54,335 --> 00:08:56,032
I'm not sure you're
getting the show, Meg.
207
00:08:56,101 --> 00:08:57,631
All right,
names, names,
names. Come on now.
208
00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,565
(GASPS) Poopy
Face Tomato Nose!
209
00:08:59,633 --> 00:09:01,866
Yes!
Write it down. Hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
210
00:09:01,934 --> 00:09:04,299
Maybe they
live in a pond?
211
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:06,498
Chris, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a sec?
212
00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:09,565
PETER: (WHISPERING)
I don't think she's
getting it.
213
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:10,932
CHRIS: (WHISPERING) I know
she's not getting it, but...
214
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,331
PETER:
There's no but.
She's not getting it.
215
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,498
CHRIS: Well, what the
hell do you want to do?
216
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:14,565
PETER: She's poison.
217
00:09:14,633 --> 00:09:15,631
CHRIS: Absolutely.
She's dead weight.
218
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:16,898
PETER:
She doesn't understand.
219
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:18,131
CHRIS: But without her,
the staff is too small.
220
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,298
I mean,
she's just not funny.
221
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:21,231
PETER: She's
completely ruining it.
222
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,032
CHRIS: Yeah, but I think it's
important to have a female
perspective in the room.
223
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:24,798
PETER: All right,
then I think we're
gonna have to expect nothing.
224
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:25,865
CHRIS: Right.
PETER: And then
225
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:27,331
maybe be
pleasantly surprised.
226
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,732
CHRIS: Okay.
227
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:34,999
Welcome to Fox News, Lois.
We're very excited to
have you.
228
00:09:35,068 --> 00:09:37,464
(CHUCKLING) Well,
I'm excited to
be here.
229
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:41,266
Oh, this is my dog, Brian.
He was just dying to see
the studio.
230
00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:42,498
Well, hi there, Brian.
231
00:09:42,566 --> 00:09:44,032
How's it going, Adolf?
232
00:09:44,101 --> 00:09:46,698
I'll have you know my
grandparents died in
the Holocaust.
233
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:49,432
(CHUCKLING)
No, I'm just joking.
They were there, though.
234
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:52,598
This whole place just
feels like a warm blanket.
235
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,565
I'll show you to our
daycare facility shortly.
236
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:57,498
But first, let's
have a look around.
237
00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:59,731
This is our control room,
where we have the ability
238
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,898
to monitor
up to 500 different news
stories in any given hour.
239
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:04,298
What's that
big button do?
240
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:05,665
Oh, that's kind of fun.
241
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,298
It emits a noise that
only Al Gore can hear.
242
00:10:10,534 --> 00:10:11,799
There it is again!
243
00:10:11,868 --> 00:10:13,466
TIPPER:
It's probably
just wind, honey.
244
00:10:13,534 --> 00:10:15,465
It's not the wind!
245
00:10:15,533 --> 00:10:18,099
And this is our Fox
News daycare center.
246
00:10:18,168 --> 00:10:19,465
Where are all the kids?
247
00:10:19,534 --> 00:10:21,265
Sorry, a lot
of the children
aren't here today
248
00:10:21,333 --> 00:10:23,831
because their
parents have the day off
for Martin Luther King day.
249
00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:25,298
Isn't that
in January?
250
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,565
Oh, no, at Fox News,
we celebrate the
day he was shot.
251
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,232
And this is the kitchen.
252
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,365
We've got
all kinds of snacks
and cold drinks in here.
253
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:33,732
I don't see
the refrigerator.
254
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,265
Oh, we just use
Ann Coulter's vagina.
255
00:10:37,601 --> 00:10:38,732
Hmm...
256
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:39,698
There's never
anything good
in here.
257
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:46,899
All right, here
we go. "Handiquacks,
episode one, scene one."
258
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:48,531
Let's get them
laughing right
off the bat.
259
00:10:48,601 --> 00:10:50,364
"Interior. Red
Heinie Monkey's house."
260
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:52,098
What's
Red Heinie
Monkey doing?
261
00:10:52,166 --> 00:10:56,066
Um... Maybe
he just got up?
He's making breakfast?
262
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,999
Eh, I don't think
people eat breakfast
anymore. More suggestions.
263
00:10:59,068 --> 00:11:02,066
Ooh!
What if Red Heinie Monkey
and Poopy Face Tomato Nose
264
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,931
are trying to
build a house of cards
and it keeps falling down?
265
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:10,231
(LAUGHING) Jiminy Christmas!
We have all been there!
That's going in.
266
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:13,165
We are cooking.
Cooking, cooking,
cooking. Now, all right.
267
00:11:13,233 --> 00:11:15,231
Now, let's take
a walk down this road,
see where it leads us.
268
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,632
Dialogue.
What are they saying?
269
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:20,465
Um, maybe Poopy
Face Tomato Nose says,
270
00:11:20,534 --> 00:11:23,765
"Boy, this house of cards
just doesn't want to stay
up!"
271
00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:26,465
Well, I mean, yeah.
If you want to go right at
it like a Neanderthal, sure.
272
00:11:26,534 --> 00:11:29,065
But I think we're shooting for
a little more subtlety here,
you know?
273
00:11:29,134 --> 00:11:30,898
You know,
I don't believe that.
274
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:33,365
I don't believe that
that's a real conversation
275
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:35,632
when I hear it. People
don't talk like that,
Meg.
276
00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:38,032
Ooh! What if they
just bought a new
wood stove?
277
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,898
And
Red Heinie
Monkey says,
278
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:43,364
"Boy, it's so hot in here
because we just bought
that new wood stove and..."
279
00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:45,431
BOTH: "...we're sweating,
and our hands are all
slippery,
280
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,765
"and that's
why we can't get the
card house to stay up!"
281
00:11:47,834 --> 00:11:49,465
Thank you, Chris.
We have liftoff.
282
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:50,531
(LAUGHS)
283
00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:52,431
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
284
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,431
But
none of this stuff
seems to make sense.
285
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:58,331
I mean,
we haven't even referenced
the fact that they're ducks
286
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:02,632
or that they're handicapped,
but the show is called
Handiquacks.
287
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:06,598
Uh-huh. Chris, can I
see you in the kitchen?
288
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,932
PETER: (WHISPERING) This is
not working out. This is
not working out at all.
289
00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:12,932
CHRIS: Dad, Dad, look.
She's trying.
PETER: No. No.
290
00:12:13,001 --> 00:12:14,298
CHRIS: She gets
along with everybody.
291
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:15,898
PETER: She does not
get along with everybody.
292
00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:17,632
CHRIS: She's kind of hot.
PETER: She's office hot.
All right?
293
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,365
Yeah, maybe you're right.
She's the only woman around.
294
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,099
CHRIS: Yeah.
In the real world,
she doesn't hold up.
295
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:24,198
PETER: In addition to
everything else, she's
got B.O.! She's got B.O.
296
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,398
All right, Lois.
For your first
assignment,
297
00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,731
we want you to do
an investigative
expose
298
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,565
on
one of America's
greatest enemies.
299
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:37,332
Oh! That sounds important.
Who is it?
300
00:12:37,401 --> 00:12:38,965
Michael Moore.
301
00:12:39,034 --> 00:12:41,166
Oh, here we go.
This is exactly what
I was talking about, Lois.
302
00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:43,832
Fox News
will take down anyone
who doesn't agree with them.
303
00:12:43,901 --> 00:12:46,198
Well,
now, wait a minute,
Brian. Give him a chance.
304
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,198
What exactly do
you want me to do?
305
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,732
We have reason to suspect
that Michael Moore may be
a closet homosexual.
306
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:52,965
We need you
to get the proof.
307
00:12:53,034 --> 00:12:54,098
Oh.
308
00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:56,198
Are you sure
that's a real news story?
309
00:12:56,267 --> 00:12:58,065
Absolutely, Lois.
It's human interest.
310
00:12:58,134 --> 00:13:02,131
Well, if you think
Michael Moore's possible
homosexuality is newsworthy,
311
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,198
I'll do my best
to get the story.
312
00:13:04,266 --> 00:13:05,698
Hey, where's Stewie?
313
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:08,965
That's tomorrow,
and that is it
for us today.
314
00:13:09,034 --> 00:13:10,665
Okay,
I don't know...
315
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:12,998
Whatever it is, it's not
right on the teleprompter.
316
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:14,665
MAN: There it is.
We're gonna do
Sting, yeah.
317
00:13:14,734 --> 00:13:16,165
There's no words there.
318
00:13:16,234 --> 00:13:18,798
"To play us out." What does
that mean? "To play us out."
319
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:21,199
To end the show?
MAN: Yeah. Yeah.
320
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:22,932
All right. Go! Go!
321
00:13:23,001 --> 00:13:25,399
MAN: In five,
four, three...
322
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:28,799
That's tomorrow
and that is it for us today
and we'll leave you with a...
323
00:13:28,867 --> 00:13:32,165
I can't do it.
We'll do it live.
324
00:13:32,234 --> 00:13:34,198
We'll do it live! Fuck it!
325
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:37,698
Do it live!
I'll write it,
and we'll do it live!
326
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:39,498
Fucking thing sucks!
327
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:42,065
MAN: In five,
four, three...
328
00:13:42,133 --> 00:13:43,865
That's tomorrow
and that is it
for us today.
329
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:45,731
I'm Stewie Griffin.
Thanks for watching.
330
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,432
We'll leave you with Sting
and a cut off his new album.
331
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:49,498
Take it away.
332
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,265
(INAUDIBLE)
333
00:14:00,467 --> 00:14:02,265
All right.
I have come
up with a design
334
00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:04,932
for Red Heinie Monkey,
the head of the
Handiquacks.
335
00:14:05,001 --> 00:14:07,232
I want
only positive
feedback, please.
336
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:09,332
Why does he have
such a big red bum?
337
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,832
Because it's funny,
Meg!
338
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:12,632
People will tune in
to Handiquacks each
week
339
00:14:12,701 --> 00:14:14,932
and see that big red bum
and get a big laugh out
of it.
340
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,965
Why? Because it's relatable.
They'll see themselves in it.
341
00:14:19,034 --> 00:14:20,898
I think
the design
is great, Dad.
342
00:14:20,967 --> 00:14:22,165
Good note.
Good note.
343
00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:24,731
Okay, now,
I also had a thought
for a female character
344
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,465
who's always nagging
at Red Heinie Monkey
345
00:14:26,534 --> 00:14:29,065
and telling him not
to leave his beer cans
lying around and whatnot,
346
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,032
and her name
is Bitch Duck.
347
00:14:31,101 --> 00:14:32,232
That kind of
looks like Mom.
348
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:33,531
Not finished talking,
Meg.
349
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,898
Okay, and this is
Poopy Face Tomato
Nose.
350
00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:37,932
You can see I gave him
a funny little suitcase.
351
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,832
Now, see, the
joke is most people
only carry a suitcase
352
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:42,399
when they're
going on vacation,
353
00:14:42,467 --> 00:14:45,399
but
Poopy Face Tomato Nose
carries one all the time.
354
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,932
And see? He's got
a sleeve hanging out.
He didn't pack it right.
355
00:14:49,001 --> 00:14:50,398
Oh, well,
you know what
could be funny?
356
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:53,865
Maybe one week he
actually goes on
vacation
357
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:57,199
and he's already
got the suitcase.
358
00:14:57,267 --> 00:15:00,332
Chris, can I see you
in the kitchen for
a sec?
359
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,065
PETER: (WHISPERING)
Your writing partner
is out of her mind.
360
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:03,965
CHRIS: (WHISPERING)
Okay, first of all,
stop calling her my partner.
361
00:15:04,034 --> 00:15:05,465
PETER: She's terrible.
She's terrible.
I know that.
362
00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:07,032
But then you know what?
It's not fair.
CHRIS: What?
363
00:15:07,101 --> 00:15:08,832
PETER: It's not fair to her.
Well, that's
sort of a cop out.
364
00:15:08,901 --> 00:15:10,465
PETER: Having her
here is not fair
to her.
365
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,665
CHRIS: Dad,
if you want to fire her,
you go ahead and fire her.
366
00:15:12,734 --> 00:15:14,599
But don't pretend you're
doing it for her benefit.
367
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,766
Don't put that on me.
She's firing herself.
CHRIS: It's on you.
368
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:18,665
No,
she can't
fire herself.
369
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:21,065
PETER: She's firing herself
with her lack of talent and
her lack of funniness.
370
00:15:21,134 --> 00:15:24,432
I just... You know, I feel
like you and I have captured
lightning in a bottle...
371
00:15:24,501 --> 00:15:26,199
CHRIS: We have. Yes!
...with Handiquacks.
372
00:15:26,268 --> 00:15:29,399
And she's just coming in,
unscrewing the top, and
letting it all out.
373
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:31,899
Meg, your services
will no longer be
needed.
374
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:41,932
(SIGHS)
Still nothing.
I don't understand.
375
00:15:42,001 --> 00:15:44,299
The lights are on.
Somebody must be home.
376
00:15:45,266 --> 00:15:46,665
(GASPS) Get down!
377
00:15:49,001 --> 00:15:50,665
Rush Limbaugh?
378
00:15:50,733 --> 00:15:54,099
What's he doing coming out
of Michael Moore's house
at this hour?
379
00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:57,232
Unless...
Oh, my God!
380
00:15:57,301 --> 00:16:04,332
Oh, my God, it's true!
Michael Moore is gay
with Rush Limbaugh!
381
00:16:04,401 --> 00:16:06,032
And I just
laid in dog poop.
382
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:07,399
That's not dog poop.
383
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,399
Sorry, we've been
out here a long time.
384
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,365
LOIS: And,
look, there's
Rush Limbaugh
385
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:18,965
coming out of
Michael Moore's house
at 2:00 in the morning.
386
00:16:19,034 --> 00:16:21,032
I wouldn't believe it
if I hadn't seen it
myself.
387
00:16:21,101 --> 00:16:22,498
Well, your dog
was right, Lois.
388
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:24,198
Looks
like there's
no story here.
389
00:16:24,266 --> 00:16:25,765
Michael Moore
is clearly not gay.
390
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:29,299
What... No story?
What are you talking about?
391
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:31,132
You're the one who
sent me to investigate.
392
00:16:31,201 --> 00:16:34,032
Now I'm showing you proof
and you're dismissing it?
393
00:16:34,101 --> 00:16:35,364
I don't understand!
394
00:16:35,433 --> 00:16:37,199
Lois, I'll be honest.
395
00:16:37,267 --> 00:16:41,599
Rush Limbaugh is one of us.
We have no wish to smear
a fellow conservative.
396
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:45,398
That would be as foolish as
FDR hiring that midget
press secretary.
397
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,999
The president
has just confirmed
398
00:16:49,068 --> 00:16:52,665
a devastating
surprise attack by the
Japanese at Pearl Harbor.
399
00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:55,099
Much of
our naval fleet
has been destroyed,
400
00:16:55,168 --> 00:16:57,999
and the
death toll is believed
to be in the thousands.
401
00:16:58,068 --> 00:16:59,865
MAN: He's adorable!
402
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:06,965
Okay,
actors, welcome to the first
voice record for Handiquacks.
403
00:17:07,034 --> 00:17:10,565
All right, episode one,
"What the Duck?" Take one.
404
00:17:10,634 --> 00:17:13,265
Oh, darn it,
Poopy Face Tomato Nose.
405
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:17,232
I know, Red Heinie Monkey.
This card house won't
stay up.
406
00:17:17,301 --> 00:17:20,032
Probably because the
wood stove is so warm.
407
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,565
It's
making our hands
sweaty and slippery.
408
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:25,432
It's all coming together.
It's all coming together.
This is it.
409
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,498
Our vision come to life.
I know.
410
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:30,365
Just listen to that voice, and
then picture him holding that
suitcase
411
00:17:30,434 --> 00:17:31,432
with
the sleeve
sticking out!
412
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,598
(LAUGHS)
413
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:33,898
(WITH BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
Hi, everybody.
414
00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:35,898
Hello,
Colonel Tushfinger.
415
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:40,198
I just built a spaceship.
Want to come up in space
with me in it?
416
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,531
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
417
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:43,799
Cut,
cut, cut! Cleveland,
what are you doing?
418
00:17:43,867 --> 00:17:48,198
I just figured I'd give
Colonel Tushfinger an
Australian thing.
419
00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:50,665
Colonel Tushfinger
lives on the moon,
you idiot.
420
00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:52,999
He talks with
a moon accent,
you know?
421
00:17:53,068 --> 00:17:54,865
(IN SILLY ACCENT)
He talks like this
with a moon accent.
422
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:56,264
You understand?
423
00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:58,298
I am
Colonel Tushfinger,
and I live on the moon.
424
00:17:58,366 --> 00:18:00,965
So I talk like this
with a moon accent.
Do that!
425
00:18:01,034 --> 00:18:02,532
You know,
Bonnie also acts.
426
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:03,865
Oh, here we go.
427
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:09,366
So they
want me to drop
the story completely
428
00:18:09,435 --> 00:18:11,698
because they don't want
to embarrass Rush Limbaugh.
429
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:13,898
Now do you see what
I was saying about
Fox News?
430
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:15,932
They have
an incredibly
biased agenda.
431
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,298
You should do
the story anyway.
432
00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:18,398
You think so?
433
00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:19,831
Absolutely.
They're hypocrites.
434
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:21,265
They wanted you
to do the story
435
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:22,798
when
they thought it would
embarrass Michael Moore.
436
00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:24,098
But they don't
want you to do it
437
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:25,631
if it's gonna embarrass
Rush Limbaugh.
438
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:27,365
But
you didn't want
me to do the story
439
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:29,298
when it was gonna
embarrass Michael Moore.
440
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,032
But you want me
to do the story
441
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:32,932
if it's gonna
embarrass Rush Limbaugh?
442
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,099
Can you picture the two of
those guys poking each
other in the chops?
443
00:18:36,168 --> 00:18:37,531
(GRUNTS IN DISGUST)
444
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,599
It'd be like
sticking your arm
in a backed-up sink.
445
00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:41,265
Okay, you're right.
446
00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:43,499
I'm a little biased myself,
but at least I'm willing
to admit it.
447
00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:45,332
Imagine that, the two
of them going at it?
448
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,032
An oversized Armani suit
and an oversized, cheap
windbreaker
449
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:50,665
tossed casually on the floor?
450
00:18:50,733 --> 00:18:52,232
Look, they started
this, Lois,
451
00:18:52,301 --> 00:18:53,699
but it's up to
you to finish it.
452
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:55,265
I guess you're right,
Brian.
453
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:58,865
Next day at work, Limbaugh
finds a Detroit Tigers
ball cap up in there.
454
00:18:58,934 --> 00:18:59,932
Stewie, shut up!
455
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,699
What?
It's just
a weird image.
456
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:04,832
Like the way Commissioner
Gordon tells Batman that
he just took a poop.
457
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:08,266
Ugh! I don't need
to know about that.
458
00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:15,699
Thanks
for hearing our
pitch, Mr. Chernin.
459
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:18,165
You realize
the only reason I'm
taking this meeting
460
00:19:18,234 --> 00:19:20,399
is that your
wife is a reporter
for our news division.
461
00:19:20,468 --> 00:19:22,832
You
have absolutely
no prior credits.
462
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:24,699
Sir, I promise
you won't regret it.
463
00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:26,832
Handiquacks is gonna
be the next Simpsons.
464
00:19:26,901 --> 00:19:29,232
We fire the jokes at you
like an automatic weapon
of comedy.
465
00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:31,299
We throw
a curve ball joke at you,
hit you right in the head.
466
00:19:31,368 --> 00:19:32,532
You go, "Wow!
What happened?"
467
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:34,032
Hmm.
468
00:19:34,101 --> 00:19:36,065
We take you
on a little trolley
ride down Story Lane.
469
00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:38,498
You're having a good time,
enjoying our tale, think
you know what's coming.
470
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:39,665
Boom, left turn!
471
00:19:39,733 --> 00:19:40,898
You don't know
how it happened!
472
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:42,765
You don't know where
you are, but you like it.
473
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,131
Uh-huh.
474
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,831
You're watching the show.
The ducks are saying stuff.
475
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:47,631
You're yucking
it up. You're laughing.
Your sides are hurting.
476
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:50,331
All of a sudden you realize
you're feeling something,
too.
477
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,665
When did that happen?
478
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:54,298
When did the Handiquacks
become people I care about?
479
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:56,665
When did they become like
welcome guests in your home
480
00:19:56,733 --> 00:20:00,131
whose weekly visits
the whole family
eagerly awaits?
481
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,699
Take a look at
what we got,
Peter.
482
00:20:04,034 --> 00:20:06,599
♪ One day, three ducks
were crossing the road
483
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:08,632
♪ Going to get some soda
484
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,965
♪ But
they weren't looking
where they were going
485
00:20:11,034 --> 00:20:13,465
♪ And
a bus came along
and hit them all
486
00:20:13,534 --> 00:20:16,298
♪ Now they're
handicapped and...
487
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,732
♪ No, that's pretty much it
488
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:21,298
♪ Handiquacks
489
00:20:21,366 --> 00:20:23,865
♪ And they never
got their soda ♪
490
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,364
Why won't this
card house stay up?
491
00:20:31,433 --> 00:20:33,632
Our palms are
slippery and sweaty
492
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:36,699
because of the heat from that
new wood stove we just bought.
493
00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:39,198
(SNICKERS) That's
gonna be his catchphrase.
494
00:20:39,267 --> 00:20:41,499
How did you
afford that
wood stove?
495
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:46,464
Easy. I just walked into the
wood-stove store and said,
"Put it on my bill."
496
00:20:46,533 --> 00:20:48,865
(BOTH LAUGHING)
497
00:20:48,934 --> 00:20:50,432
You with me?
I sure am!
498
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:51,898
You with me now?
I love it!
499
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:55,199
You know you love it.
I just have one small change.
500
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:56,365
Oh?
501
00:20:56,434 --> 00:20:59,199
Could
Poopy Face Tomato
Nose's nose be a plum?
502
00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:02,832
How dare you?
503
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:04,298
It's a small change.
504
00:21:04,366 --> 00:21:06,564
And if you do it,
we'll really get
behind this show.
505
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:09,099
A plum?
What is this, 1986?
506
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,166
Well, if you're
gonna be a TV
producer,
507
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:13,199
you've gotta be
open to collaboration.
508
00:21:13,268 --> 00:21:17,564
So everybody just gets
to stick their big chef's
spoon into my comedy gumbo?
509
00:21:17,633 --> 00:21:18,799
Well, no deal!
510
00:21:18,867 --> 00:21:21,665
You know something?
I like your passion.
511
00:21:21,733 --> 00:21:24,631
Okay, we'll do the show,
and we'll do it your way.
512
00:21:25,533 --> 00:21:27,198
No.
513
00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:29,099
Well, that was
a miscalculation.
514
00:21:31,634 --> 00:21:33,898
All right,
there it is.
Stay close to me.
515
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,098
(GASPS) This is it! Let's go!
516
00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:53,398
Mr. Moore, Mr. Limbaugh, do
you have anything to say to
Fox News about this...
517
00:21:53,467 --> 00:21:54,698
What the hell?
518
00:21:54,767 --> 00:21:55,965
Who are you?
519
00:21:56,034 --> 00:21:57,498
What's that suit on the bed?
520
00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:00,598
And what have you done
with your gay lover,
Rush Limbaugh?
521
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:01,665
(SIGHS)
522
00:22:01,733 --> 00:22:03,932
I am
Rush Limbaugh.
That's a costume.
523
00:22:04,001 --> 00:22:05,398
Wait a minute.
You mean, all these years,
524
00:22:05,466 --> 00:22:08,398
Rush Limbaugh has just been
Michael Moore in disguise?
525
00:22:08,467 --> 00:22:10,932
Well, it's a little
more complex than that.
526
00:22:11,001 --> 00:22:12,631
What are you
talking about?
527
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:15,398
Fred Savage?
528
00:22:15,466 --> 00:22:16,531
Wait a minute!
529
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,965
You're
Rush Limbaugh
and Michael Moore?
530
00:22:19,034 --> 00:22:21,732
Yes, I am.
They're both
characters I created.
531
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,531
But, why?
532
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,932
Well, after The Wonder Years,
I was hungry to do more acting
533
00:22:26,001 --> 00:22:28,799
but the pickings were slim.
So I came up with this
scheme
534
00:22:28,868 --> 00:22:30,199
to satisfy my
need to perform,
535
00:22:30,268 --> 00:22:31,299
and I guess it got
a little out of hand.
536
00:22:31,368 --> 00:22:32,431
This is unbelievable!
537
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:33,499
Well,
that's not
the end of it.
538
00:22:35,201 --> 00:22:38,299
I'm also Tony Danza,
Camryn Manheim,
Malcolm-Jamal Warner,
539
00:22:38,367 --> 00:22:41,899
Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe,
and Metallica drummer,
Lars Ulrich.
540
00:22:41,967 --> 00:22:46,932
Wow. Fred Savage
is the greatest actor
in the history of the world.
541
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,899
That's all I ever
wanted people to know.
542
00:22:48,968 --> 00:22:52,099
Well, if you
let us run this story,
I promise you they will.
543
00:22:52,168 --> 00:22:53,498
You got a deal.
544
00:22:53,567 --> 00:22:55,431
DANIEL STERN: Well,
it finally happened.
545
00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,598
I had finally gotten the
recognition I deserved...
546
00:22:57,667 --> 00:22:59,465
I don't need you anymore!
547
00:22:59,533 --> 00:23:01,932
DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred.
You don't have to be
a dick about it.
548
00:23:05,068 --> 00:23:06,765
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
This Sunday on Fox,
549
00:23:06,834 --> 00:23:09,631
it's the new hit comedy
starring America's
greatest actor,
550
00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:11,099
Fred Savage!
551
00:23:11,168 --> 00:23:13,464
Well, Lois, you
did a good thing
for a talented guy.
552
00:23:13,533 --> 00:23:15,398
Yeah, but that should
have been our time slot.
553
00:23:15,466 --> 00:23:17,698
Well, I'm just glad
everything's back
to normal.
554
00:23:17,767 --> 00:23:20,099
I don't think
I was cut out to
be a TV reporter.
555
00:23:20,167 --> 00:23:22,198
Yeah, how did you lose
your job there anyway?
556
00:23:22,267 --> 00:23:24,465
Oh, I don't know.
Do you really
care, Peter?
557
00:23:24,534 --> 00:23:26,098
I mean, does
anyone really care?
558
00:23:26,167 --> 00:23:28,265
Yeah,
you're right.
The story's over.
559
00:23:28,334 --> 00:23:29,832
Everything'll be
back to normal
next week.
560
00:23:29,901 --> 00:23:31,598
So, yeah,
who gives a damn?
561
00:23:31,667 --> 00:23:33,665
Anybody got any more jokes?
Stewie?
562
00:23:33,734 --> 00:23:37,165
Anything funny?
No? Brian? Meg?
Chris?
563
00:23:37,234 --> 00:23:39,899
No?
All right,
see you, folks.
564
00:24:16,733 --> 00:24:17,732
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