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00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,298
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:12,765
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:15,932
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:16,001 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,665
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,932
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:42,467 --> 00:00:43,765
(SIGHS)
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00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:46,432
The annual Quahog Star Trek
convention, where once a year,
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00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:49,332
sci-fi buffs
take their lips off
the barrel of a loaded gun
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00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,665
and spend
half a day adjusting
their eyes to sunlight.
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00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:57,565
Brian, look. I purchased
authentic blueprints
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00:00:57,634 --> 00:00:59,565
to build
a Star Trek
transporter.
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00:00:59,634 --> 00:01:01,032
Well, that's great,
Stewie.
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00:01:01,101 --> 00:01:02,598
You should
get William Shatner
to sign them for you.
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00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:05,099
No way. I'm getting
Patrick Stewart to
sign it.
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00:01:05,168 --> 00:01:06,832
Picard has it
all over Kirk.
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00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:09,765
He's poised and measured
and doesn't wear a cheap
rug.
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Rather,
he accepts even baldness
with a quiet cool that says,
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00:01:13,433 --> 00:01:17,731
"I am in command.
You are safe with me.
I will cradle you in my arms
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00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,598
"through any
crisis in any galaxy."
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00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:22,665
Are you queer?
Probably.
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00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:25,499
Dad, this is stupid.
I'm so bored.
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00:01:25,567 --> 00:01:27,932
How can you be bored?
This convention has
everything.
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You can even try on
LeVar Burton's VISOR.
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(SCREAMING)
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Why would he wear these?
Who would invent these
for him?
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00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,498
And in conclusion,
whether your dreams
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00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:47,164
are earthbound or
set in the stars,
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00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:50,432
follow
your heart
and make it so.
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00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:53,065
(EXCLAIMING)
34
00:01:53,134 --> 00:01:54,999
He said the thing
he says on TV!
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00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:58,731
Now the cast
and I would be happy
to answer a few questions.
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Yes, so many questions!
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00:02:00,401 --> 00:02:04,298
Me! Me!
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!
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00:02:04,366 --> 00:02:06,699
Stu! Stu! Stu!
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00:02:09,001 --> 00:02:09,998
Yes, you there.
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00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,099
(GROANS)
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00:02:11,167 --> 00:02:12,865
Yes, I have a question.
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00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:16,832
Oftentimes my household
sponges accumulate an
awful amount of buildup.
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00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,665
What can I do
to prevent this?
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00:02:18,734 --> 00:02:22,032
That's an excellent question.
It's very important to
thoroughly
45
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,599
wring out
your sponges
after every usage.
46
00:02:24,667 --> 00:02:27,765
This will prevent the
accumulation of grime
and bacteria.
47
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:30,032
A dry sponge is
a happy sponge.
48
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:31,832
That's not
a Star Trek question.
49
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:33,865
I have a question
for Jonathan Frakes.
50
00:02:33,934 --> 00:02:35,899
I have
this itch on
the back of my leg,
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00:02:35,967 --> 00:02:38,499
and I can't figure out
if it's a bug bite or
dry skin.
52
00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:40,231
Do you take hot showers?
Yes.
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00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:41,632
Dry skin.
Thanks.
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00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,865
These aren't Star Trek
questions. What the hell?
55
00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:45,799
I have a question
for Gates McFadden.
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00:02:45,867 --> 00:02:47,799
I've got an artesian well
on my property
57
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:50,498
and the water pressure
is lousy. Any suggestions?
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00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:53,465
I would check the point
first before re-priming it.
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00:02:53,534 --> 00:02:55,832
But remember
that the summer months
take a particular toll
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00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:58,565
on any region's aquifer,
depending on the local
climate.
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00:02:58,634 --> 00:02:59,665
This is horse shit!
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00:02:59,733 --> 00:03:01,198
And that's
the last question.
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00:03:01,266 --> 00:03:04,232
Thank you for coming.
You've been wonderful.
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00:03:06,801 --> 00:03:08,431
You bastards!
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00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,665
I'll get my
question answered
one way or another.
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00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:12,199
All I'm saying is
that in the episode
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00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,966
"Relics,"
when Scotty
rematerialized
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00:03:14,034 --> 00:03:17,032
on the Jenolen,
he referenced Captain
Kirk still being alive,
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00:03:17,101 --> 00:03:19,466
which is
ridiculous because he
knew he watched him die
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00:03:19,534 --> 00:03:21,532
on the Enterprise B in
Star Trek: Generations.
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00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:23,332
There's a perfectly
simple explanation.
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00:03:23,401 --> 00:03:26,565
He was
caught in a transporter
pattern buffer for 75 years
73
00:03:26,633 --> 00:03:30,266
and Riker
mentioned a 0.003%
signal degradation,
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00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,665
which would account
for Scotty's memory
loss.
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00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:35,498
Well, well, look what
we have here, Jonathan.
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00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:39,066
Yup, looks like we got
ourselves a couple of
nerds.
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00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:42,265
(FANS GRUNTING)
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00:03:43,168 --> 00:03:44,665
Give me $6.
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00:03:46,333 --> 00:03:48,999
Oh, my God! What
a great costume.
Meg.
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00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:51,332
Meg,
come take your picture
with this space-alien guy.
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00:03:51,401 --> 00:03:52,699
No, Dad.
I don't want to.
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Come on.
It'll be funny.
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00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,832
(SIGHS)
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00:03:56,334 --> 00:03:57,432
(LAUGHING)
85
00:03:57,500 --> 00:04:00,131
What
a wonderful novelty
photo this will make.
86
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,032
Thanks so much, buddy.
Hey, how'd you make
that awesome mask?
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00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:05,498
It's not a mask.
I have the mumps.
88
00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:08,531
What?
You came to a Star Trek
convention with the mumps?
89
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,765
You could be infecting
people with the disease.
90
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,199
Yeah, like that
old gypsy did to
91
00:04:12,268 --> 00:04:14,232
Britney Spears in
that Stephen King book.
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00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:16,332
Thicker!
93
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:21,799
Well,
Meg has the
mumps all right.
94
00:04:21,867 --> 00:04:23,532
How is it
she was never immunized?
95
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:26,365
Well, it was
1992 and I couldn't be
bothered with anything
96
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:29,132
that
didn't involve Dan Cortese.
Besides, what's the big deal?
97
00:04:29,201 --> 00:04:31,133
I never got a mumps shot.
Really?
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00:04:31,201 --> 00:04:33,298
Well, I'd caution you
that getting
the mumps as an adult
99
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:35,298
could result in
serious complications.
100
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:38,398
In some cases, the
symptoms could spread
to the testicular glands.
101
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:39,832
Big deal.
So I'll wear socks.
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00:04:39,901 --> 00:04:42,066
Mr. Griffin,
your testicles
are not in your feet.
103
00:04:42,135 --> 00:04:44,066
Well, where are they?
Under your penis.
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00:04:44,135 --> 00:04:46,665
Are you kidding? I always
thought those were two
little sandbags
105
00:04:46,734 --> 00:04:48,899
to keep flood waters
from floating into
my bum.
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00:04:48,968 --> 00:04:50,665
(LAUGHS) No.
No, I'm just poking
107
00:04:50,734 --> 00:04:52,799
at your funny bone.
I am quite alarmed.
108
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:54,899
I don't think you
realize the danger.
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00:04:54,968 --> 00:04:58,065
Like the people who think it's
okay to bring shampoo on an
airplane.
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00:04:58,134 --> 00:05:02,266
So I told Brenda,
"I work hard. I like a
clean house when I come home."
111
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,032
And now I'm
the bad guy.
112
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,966
Oh, I know exactly
where you're coming...
113
00:05:06,034 --> 00:05:07,565
Ow! It's in my eyes!
114
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:16,865
See, Chris, come here.
Come here, look.
Check it out.
115
00:05:18,134 --> 00:05:19,632
Holy crap! No way!
116
00:05:19,700 --> 00:05:20,732
(LAUGHING)
117
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,598
I know, huh? Classic.
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00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:23,665
(CLICKS)
119
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:25,832
I got to forward this
to my bud.
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00:05:25,901 --> 00:05:27,333
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
121
00:05:28,301 --> 00:05:29,899
(LAUGHING)
122
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,166
Meg, I know you hate
having to be in bed
all day.
123
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,665
But your father's
bringing in the
old TV.
124
00:05:36,734 --> 00:05:37,832
Hey, Meg.
125
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,198
Peter, what the hell?
126
00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:40,699
I don't want to
catch the mumps,
Lois.
127
00:05:40,767 --> 00:05:41,832
Here's your TV, Meg.
128
00:05:41,901 --> 00:05:43,531
It's a little old
and there's no remote
129
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:47,598
and it only gets one channel
and it's not on that channel
right now.
130
00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:50,099
Chris, check it out.
Jackass Number Two.
131
00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:51,366
(FARTS)
132
00:05:53,034 --> 00:05:54,065
(SNIFFS)
133
00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:55,865
(SCREAMING)
134
00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:58,065
(RETCHING)
135
00:05:58,134 --> 00:05:59,865
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
136
00:06:02,101 --> 00:06:04,699
(LAUGHING)
137
00:06:04,767 --> 00:06:07,798
This
whole day has been
one big laugh riot.
138
00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:14,032
(SIGHS) Finally!
139
00:06:14,101 --> 00:06:15,165
TV ANNOUNCER:
Up next, Kirk Cameron...
140
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,232
Ooh!
141
00:06:16,301 --> 00:06:17,432
...to talk about God.
142
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,099
Oh.
143
00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:21,565
Hi. Welcome to the
Religion Channel's
number one show,
144
00:06:21,633 --> 00:06:23,365
Kirk
and the Lord,
Just Hanging.
145
00:06:23,433 --> 00:06:25,198
With me,
Kirk Cameron.
146
00:06:25,266 --> 00:06:29,065
Today,
I'm gonna tell you why God
will always be there for you,
147
00:06:29,134 --> 00:06:30,598
even in the
worst of times.
148
00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,398
No, thanks.
149
00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:36,831
But first, are
you lonely, picked on,
unappreciated, disliked,
150
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:39,366
not totally
happy with your
physical appearance?
151
00:06:39,434 --> 00:06:40,465
Go on.
152
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:41,832
Are you unloved?
153
00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:44,198
Do you feel like no
one cares about you?
154
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:47,731
Meg, your mother
made soup for you.
Here you go, honey.
155
00:06:48,234 --> 00:06:50,432
(SCREAMS)
156
00:06:50,501 --> 00:06:53,232
Well,
you know who does
love you? The Lord.
157
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:55,631
PETER: Here's your milk.
158
00:06:59,967 --> 00:07:02,299
Rupert, my
transporter
is complete.
159
00:07:02,368 --> 00:07:05,732
If my calculations
are correct, the cast of
Star Trek: The Next Generation
160
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,999
will soon be here to
answer all my questions.
161
00:07:08,067 --> 00:07:09,165
(WHIRRING)
162
00:07:10,533 --> 00:07:11,732
Wait a minute.
Something's wrong.
163
00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:15,333
All right,
you girls ready?
164
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:16,698
(ALL CHATTERING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
165
00:07:16,767 --> 00:07:17,765
What's going on?
166
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:18,832
(ALL GIGGLING)
167
00:07:18,901 --> 00:07:19,999
Don't you laugh at it.
168
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:27,999
Good morning, Mom and Dad.
169
00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:31,265
Wow! Look who's
finally out of her
room after five days.
170
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:35,065
Oh, you're alive. I guess
you are gonna need that
college fund.
171
00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:36,532
Chris, do Daddy a favor.
172
00:07:36,601 --> 00:07:39,699
In the garage,
there is a very
expensive show camel.
173
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:42,065
Please return him to
the bazaar for a refund.
174
00:07:42,134 --> 00:07:43,665
We have to
give away Humpy?
175
00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:45,165
I told you
not to name him.
176
00:07:45,234 --> 00:07:46,565
So, you feel better, Meg?
177
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:47,831
All better, Mom.
178
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:50,098
I was made well
by the hand of God.
179
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,298
"This is the day
that the Lord hath made.
180
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:54,698
"Let us rejoice
and be glad in it."
181
00:07:54,767 --> 00:07:56,198
Meg,
what are you
talking about?
182
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:59,999
I'm talking
about God, Mom.
I've been reborn.
183
00:08:00,068 --> 00:08:02,099
That's right, folks.
It's gonna be a Meg
episode.
184
00:08:02,168 --> 00:08:03,899
Stick around for the fun.
185
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,999
Here's the clicker.
No one would blame you.
186
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,999
What do you mean
you found the Lord?
187
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:18,132
I've been washed in
the blood of the lamb.
188
00:08:18,201 --> 00:08:20,165
Kirk Cameron
explained it
all to me.
189
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,165
The Lord is my savior.
190
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:23,832
It's that damn
religion channel.
191
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,932
She was
watching it all day
while she was bedridden.
192
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,232
I want to share the word
of God with everyone
I know,
193
00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:29,866
starting with my family.
194
00:08:29,934 --> 00:08:31,698
Now, everyone hold hands,
195
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,032
because
we're gonna say
grace before we eat.
196
00:08:34,101 --> 00:08:36,231
Dad, would you
like to do the
honors?
197
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:41,066
Are you kidding?
I'd love a chance to shine.
All right, Peter, this is it.
198
00:08:41,134 --> 00:08:44,965
Dear Lord, please give me
the cheat codes for Mike
Tyson's Punch-Out!!
199
00:08:45,034 --> 00:08:47,798
I have been stuck on
Bald Bull for four years.
200
00:08:47,867 --> 00:08:52,099
I tried left, left,
up, B, dodge, uppercut,
but he still knocks me out.
201
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:53,532
And,
you know, they say
you're supposed to go
202
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,599
right, B, up,
dodge, left,
uppercut...
203
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:58,265
(CHUCKLES)
Listen to me telling
you how to play the game.
204
00:08:58,334 --> 00:09:01,665
Hey, you
want to see a sweet porn
website? Follow me upstairs.
205
00:09:03,767 --> 00:09:06,066
I know what you're thinking,
"Whoever heard of an erotic
Chinese?"
206
00:09:06,134 --> 00:09:07,199
But there it is.
207
00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:13,799
All right.
Let's try this again.
208
00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:15,198
(WHIRRING)
209
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,465
(ALL MURMURING)
210
00:09:19,534 --> 00:09:21,465
It's them! I did it!
211
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:24,099
The cast of Star Trek:
The Next Generation is
here to answer my questions.
212
00:09:24,168 --> 00:09:25,665
What the hell? Where am I?
213
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:27,032
What's going on?
214
00:09:27,101 --> 00:09:29,465
Greetings, everyone.
My name is Stewie
Griffin.
215
00:09:29,534 --> 00:09:31,898
I've transported you
all here against
your will.
216
00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:34,998
I'm a huge fan,
and you're going to
answer all my questions.
217
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,565
But you're a baby.
218
00:09:36,634 --> 00:09:38,365
Yes.
That's right,
Denise Crosby.
219
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:40,532
(ALL GASP)
220
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,532
That was a warning. Please do
not speak unless you're
spoken to.
221
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,432
Now, question number one.
222
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:46,965
What's it like on the set?
223
00:09:47,034 --> 00:09:49,032
The show's been off
the air for 15 years.
224
00:09:49,101 --> 00:09:51,365
Although I will say
it was an awful lot
of fun.
225
00:09:51,434 --> 00:09:53,765
You know, when Patrick
wasn't hogging the
limelight.
226
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,198
Oh, fuck you, Michael!
227
00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:57,632
Fifteen years later
you've still got
that attitude.
228
00:09:57,700 --> 00:10:00,631
Oh, my God, I am already
having a fantastic time.
229
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,699
Ooh!
Hey, let's spend
the day together.
230
00:10:02,767 --> 00:10:04,665
Hey, that sounds like fun.
Ow!
231
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:05,765
Shut up, Wil.
232
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,331
Stop it, Patrick.
233
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,166
You know,
I think you should all
be nicer to Whil Wheaton.
234
00:10:09,235 --> 00:10:11,766
The way I treat
my colleagues...
Wait, what?
235
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:13,632
I said you ought to be
nicer to Whil Wheaton.
236
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,431
You mean Wil Wheaton?
Yes, Whil Wheaton.
237
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:16,766
Why are you saying
it like that?
238
00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:18,265
What? I'm just
saying you should be
nicer to Whil Wheaton.
239
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:19,732
Whil Wheaton
seems like a
nice guy.
240
00:10:19,801 --> 00:10:21,331
Say "wheat."
Wheat.
241
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,465
Now say "Wil Wheaton."
Whil Wheaton.
242
00:10:23,533 --> 00:10:24,698
Wil Wheaton.
Whil Wheaton.
243
00:10:24,768 --> 00:10:26,032
Wil Wheaton.
Whil Wheaton.
244
00:10:26,101 --> 00:10:27,331
Wil Wheaton.
Whil Wheaton.
245
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,899
Wil Wheaton.
Hey, did you hook up
246
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:30,365
with Whoopi Goldberg
on the show?
247
00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,565
All the time.
248
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,965
Meg, what the hell?
I was watching that.
249
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:36,765
It's time for Kirk Cameron.
250
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:39,898
And I think
it's important for all of you
to hear his inspiring message
251
00:10:39,967 --> 00:10:41,165
about the word of God.
252
00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:42,932
Again, Meg?
253
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,399
You know, I think
it's wonderful you found
something to have faith in,
254
00:10:45,467 --> 00:10:47,365
but there's such
a thing as moderation.
255
00:10:47,433 --> 00:10:50,066
Mom,
you sound like
a nonbeliever.
256
00:10:50,135 --> 00:10:52,132
Brian, you're
a thoughtful
person.
257
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,965
Are you willing
to open yourself
up to God's truth?
258
00:10:55,034 --> 00:10:57,464
You're barking up
the wrong tree, Meg.
I'm an atheist.
259
00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:58,531
(ALL GASP)
260
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,832
What's that?
I don't believe in God.
261
00:11:01,901 --> 00:11:05,032
What? Brian, how
can you say that?
262
00:11:05,101 --> 00:11:07,098
Why, I just thought you knew.
263
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,932
I mean, I never go to church.
You know how I feel about
that.
264
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:12,965
No. Brian, it's one thing
to bash organized religion,
265
00:11:13,034 --> 00:11:17,199
but we believe in
God in this house.
I mean, an atheist?
266
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:19,665
That's just about the
worst thing a person
can be.
267
00:11:19,734 --> 00:11:22,665
You're not
gonna get anything
for Christmas, Brian.
268
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:23,798
Guys,
I'm just
trying to say...
269
00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:25,432
Shut up, beast.
270
00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:28,332
I have dominion over you.
And I command you to
believe in God.
271
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,798
I'm sorry. I just
don't see any
evidence.
272
00:11:30,867 --> 00:11:32,565
I mean,
look at the
Hubble Telescope.
273
00:11:32,634 --> 00:11:36,265
It's discovered
untold wonders of a
vast, unexplored universe,
274
00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:39,698
but not one picture
of a guy with a beard
sitting around on a cloud.
275
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,065
I mean,
what's he
doing up there?
276
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,998
(FLASH GORDON THEME PLAYING)
277
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:51,199
You know,
you keep talking like that,
God's gonna get you, Brian.
278
00:11:51,268 --> 00:11:53,166
He's gonna get you
with the Kodak Disc.
279
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:56,631
♪ Oh,
God's gonna get you
with the Kodak Disc ♪
280
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:58,098
I'm sorry.
What were we
talking about?
281
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:05,032
Hey, where the
hell is my van?
282
00:12:08,301 --> 00:12:11,065
Stewie, I'm not really
much of a fast-food eater.
283
00:12:11,134 --> 00:12:13,565
Yeah? Can you read my mind?
Can you tell what I'm
thinking right now?
284
00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:15,165
I'm thinking,
"Shut up and
get a salad."
285
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,432
I want some McNuggets.
286
00:12:16,501 --> 00:12:17,632
We'll get to you, Brent.
287
00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:20,332
I want a hamburger.
No, a cheeseburger.
288
00:12:20,401 --> 00:12:22,432
I want a hot dog.
I want a milkshake...
289
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:24,165
You'll get nothing
and like it.
290
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:26,198
Uh, hello?
MAN: Yes.
Welcome to McDonald's.
291
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:28,331
Can I help you?
Hailing frequencies open, huh?
292
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,032
(LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah.
293
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:33,231
We're
gonna get two McChicken
sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.
294
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:36,298
And what do you want,
Michael?
A McDLT.
295
00:12:36,366 --> 00:12:38,598
No. I already told you
they don't make those
anymore.
296
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:41,331
You know, sometimes it's
a regional thing. You
could ask.
297
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,265
No
McDonald's anywhere
makes a McDLT anymore.
298
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:46,265
I'd love a Shamrock Shake,
if they've got any of those.
299
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,665
It's September, Jonathan.
300
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,032
Stewie,
can I take this
goddamn headband off?
301
00:12:50,101 --> 00:12:52,332
No, LeVar. You're blind.
That's the only way you
can see.
302
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,765
I'm just saying they have
all the ingredients for a...
303
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,065
(CAR HORN HONKING)
304
00:12:56,134 --> 00:12:57,698
Just hang on, all right?
There's a lot of us in...
305
00:12:57,767 --> 00:12:59,431
There's
a lot of...
It's a big order.
306
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,098
What time do they
stop serving breakfast?
307
00:13:01,167 --> 00:13:02,365
It's 3:00.
308
00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:03,898
Some
of them serve
breakfast all day.
309
00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,632
None
of them serve
breakfast all day.
310
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:06,765
Do they have beer?
311
00:13:09,601 --> 00:13:10,632
Hey, Brian.
312
00:13:10,701 --> 00:13:12,665
In hopes
that you'll open
your heart to God,
313
00:13:12,734 --> 00:13:14,299
I wanted to
give you this cross.
314
00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:15,699
No, I don't want a crucifix.
315
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:18,299
Would you want it if
I threw it over there?
316
00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:19,398
No. Please don't do that.
317
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:21,332
You gonna get it, boy?
No. Please, no.
318
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,432
Go get it, boy.
319
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:23,866
(BARKING)
320
00:13:26,368 --> 00:13:28,366
Okay.
I'll take
Jesus back now.
321
00:13:28,434 --> 00:13:29,665
(GROWLING)
322
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:42,364
(GROWLING THE RIGHT STUFF)
323
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:54,465
Brian, Kirk Cameron
is the one who
converted me.
324
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:56,865
But unfortunately
he's not available.
325
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:59,398
So I got his
younger brother
from Growing Pains.
326
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,832
Will you guys buy
me a case of Sudafed?
327
00:14:01,901 --> 00:14:03,932
Don't you want to
tell Brian about Jesus?
328
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,865
They got my picture
up at the drugstore
329
00:14:05,934 --> 00:14:08,132
and they won't
sell me any Sudafed.
330
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,032
I'll make it
worth your while.
331
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,665
Ben.
Dad.
332
00:14:11,734 --> 00:14:17,264
Ben, what have I
told you about trading
sexual favors for Sudafed?
333
00:14:17,333 --> 00:14:19,832
Look, Meg,
I've had enough of this.
You're not gonna convert me.
334
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:23,265
But, Brian,
I just want you to
feel the joy that I feel.
335
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:26,032
I mean,
the church makes me
feel accepted and safe
336
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:28,264
and
part of something
bigger than myself.
337
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:31,531
But, Meg, you don't need an
outside voice to feel
those feelings.
338
00:14:31,601 --> 00:14:32,899
They're inside you.
339
00:14:32,968 --> 00:14:35,665
What you call God is
inside you, all of us.
340
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:38,264
And I just hate to see people
hating and killing each other
341
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:41,531
over their own interpretation
of what they're not smart
enough to understand.
342
00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:42,599
You see what I'm saying?
343
00:14:42,667 --> 00:14:44,132
Oh, I do, Brian.
344
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,499
And I think I
know just what to do.
345
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:47,766
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
346
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:49,431
Our top story tonight:
347
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,498
Just when you thought the
world couldn't be any
more dangerous,
348
00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:55,364
Channel Five
News has discovered that
there is an atheist among us.
349
00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:58,365
Local churchgoer and junior
Christian soldier Meg Griffin
350
00:14:58,434 --> 00:15:01,898
has identified the atheist as
Brian Griffin of Spooner
Street.
351
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,932
Here's
the reaction
from city hall.
352
00:15:04,001 --> 00:15:06,264
Shocking to
say the least.
353
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:09,099
I'd rather
have a terrorist
living in our midst.
354
00:15:09,168 --> 00:15:11,099
At least they
believe in a God,
355
00:15:11,168 --> 00:15:14,099
even if it's
a smelly brown God.
356
00:15:14,168 --> 00:15:16,665
Meg,
how the hell could you
do something like this?
357
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:19,331
If a man hath ears,
let him hear, Brian.
358
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,198
All right, what's... What's
the worst that could happen?
359
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:23,598
This is
the 21st century.
People are tolerant.
360
00:15:25,268 --> 00:15:26,532
Well, this is nothing.
361
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:28,465
Probably
just a random
act of violence.
362
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:33,431
I thought
only he without sin
could cast the first Prius.
363
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,698
(LAUGHS)
364
00:15:42,466 --> 00:15:43,932
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
365
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,965
Oh, my God!
That was a close one.
366
00:15:46,034 --> 00:15:48,698
Brian, what happened?
I'm a pariah, Lois.
367
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:50,498
Ever since Meg told everyone
I'm an atheist,
368
00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:52,631
I'm the most
hated person
in town.
369
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,432
I tried
to rent a movie
and they threw me out.
370
00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:56,799
I tried to buy
a pack of cigarettes
and they threw me out.
371
00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,266
But the most
serious part
of it is
372
00:15:58,334 --> 00:15:59,965
no bar would
serve me a drink.
373
00:16:00,034 --> 00:16:01,732
I'm starting to
get pretty desperate.
374
00:16:01,801 --> 00:16:04,232
Okay, just remember to act
confident. You're gonna do
great.
375
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,532
You look real grown up.
376
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,464
Uh, yes,
I'd like to buy
some alcohol, please.
377
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:11,065
Okay, can I see your ID?
378
00:16:11,134 --> 00:16:12,865
I don't have one.
379
00:16:12,934 --> 00:16:15,465
You don't?
No, it's me, Chris.
380
00:16:15,534 --> 00:16:16,599
Oh, hey, Chris.
381
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:19,198
Hey, Carl. Can I
buy some alcohol?
382
00:16:19,267 --> 00:16:21,565
No.
Oh, okay.
383
00:16:21,634 --> 00:16:23,332
Hey, you know
what's a great movie?
384
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,465
The Reaping?
385
00:16:24,534 --> 00:16:28,198
Yeah. Why
are you dressed
like John Lithgow?
386
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:29,999
Well,
if you ask me,
I think laying off
387
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:31,732
the sauce could do
you some good, Brian.
388
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:34,132
Yeah, right.
If you need me,
I'll be in the kitchen.
389
00:16:35,601 --> 00:16:38,365
(SIGHS) I hope he
finds faith of some kind.
390
00:16:38,434 --> 00:16:41,065
You know who doesn't have
all these problems?
Marmaduke.
391
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,365
All he does is eat
pies off the high
counter.
392
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:46,732
Next time around, we're
gonna get ourselves a big,
tall, pie-eating dog, Lois.
393
00:16:46,801 --> 00:16:47,799
Okay, Peter.
394
00:16:47,867 --> 00:16:50,065
Or Howard Huge.
Let's get Howard Huge.
395
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,932
Great.
We have a game plan.
396
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:01,998
(SIGHS)
397
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:04,266
Hold it together, Brian.
Hold it together.
398
00:17:04,334 --> 00:17:06,499
Come on.
You know you want a drink.
399
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,965
Yeah,
come on, Brian, drink us.
400
00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:12,032
Come on, drink me.
What are you waiting for?
401
00:17:12,101 --> 00:17:13,732
Yeah, you big silly ass.
402
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:16,499
Just wrap
your lips around me
and take a big gulp.
403
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:18,131
Get to the chopper.
404
00:17:26,068 --> 00:17:27,099
All right,
everybody got
your bowling shoes?
405
00:17:27,168 --> 00:17:28,266
Everybody got your balls?
406
00:17:28,335 --> 00:17:29,431
I don't have my shoes.
407
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:30,632
Jonathan, we were
just up at the counter.
408
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,032
Why didn't you
get your shoes?
409
00:17:32,101 --> 00:17:33,832
I don't have my shoes,
either.
What the hell?
410
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:35,332
You need your shoes to bowl.
411
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,832
Now,
why exactly can I
not wear my loafers?
412
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:39,265
What is the danger there?
413
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:42,632
Because, Patrick... Because,
Patrick, those are the rules.
414
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:46,365
Well, I think
it's just because they
want another $1.50 from me.
415
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,932
All right,
I'm putting
our names in.
416
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:49,632
Brent.
No, no. Don't put Brent.
417
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:50,698
(GROANS)
418
00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:52,364
Put Rock Kickass.
419
00:17:52,433 --> 00:17:54,132
I don't know
how to change it.
I already typed it in.
420
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,298
For mine,
put Dirk Diggler.
421
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,165
I'm not gonna put everyone
as a fake name.
422
00:17:57,234 --> 00:17:58,565
How do you want
to do the teams?
423
00:17:58,634 --> 00:18:00,465
How
about the white guys
against the black guys?
424
00:18:00,533 --> 00:18:01,698
Patrick, don't
be an instigator.
425
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,531
I have to pee.
Brent, take Michael
426
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:04,665
to the bathroom, please.
427
00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:05,899
(SIGHING) Okay.
428
00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:10,199
Look at me.
I've got girl boobs.
429
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,965
(SIGHS)
430
00:18:19,034 --> 00:18:22,166
Hey,
Meg, guess what?
I've seen the light.
431
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:23,665
Really?
Yes.
432
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:27,298
Hallelujah!
I believe in God!
Lordy, Lordy, I believe!
433
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,398
Brian, that's
fantastic news.
434
00:18:29,467 --> 00:18:30,732
I know. I know.
435
00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:32,665
Hey,
you mind spreading
the news around town?
436
00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:35,966
Say maybe down
at the liquor store?
Maybe down at The Clam?
437
00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:39,066
Of course, Brian. But
first we have work
to do.
438
00:18:39,135 --> 00:18:42,199
God's work.
And God will be happy
that you're joining me.
439
00:18:42,267 --> 00:18:43,932
Then I say let's
celebrate the way
440
00:18:44,001 --> 00:18:45,465
they
did in the Bible.
With wine, red wine.
441
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:46,565
You know, like Jesus drank.
442
00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:49,832
Do you like the wine?
443
00:18:49,901 --> 00:18:51,232
Very much. What is it?
444
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,564
It's my blood.
445
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,165
I have to leave.
446
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:56,265
Nah, sit down.
447
00:18:59,867 --> 00:19:02,399
(SIGHS)
Thanks for setting
everyone straight, Meg.
448
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:04,865
I feel the warm,
healing, liquid
presence
449
00:19:04,934 --> 00:19:07,265
of God's genuine,
cold-filtered grace.
450
00:19:07,334 --> 00:19:08,999
It was my pleasure, Brian.
451
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:12,465
And now we get to do
the work of the Lord.
452
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:14,232
Come on.
What? What are we doing?
453
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:15,865
God's will, Brian.
454
00:19:15,934 --> 00:19:17,865
(CROWD SHOUTING)
455
00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:20,699
A book burning?
456
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:22,366
Come on.
Grab an armful.
457
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:25,264
We have to
destroy everything
that's harmful to God.
458
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:33,932
Meg, I can't
be a part of this.
And neither should you.
459
00:19:34,001 --> 00:19:37,065
What are you talking about?
I thought you'd seen the
light, Brian.
460
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,632
Well,
to be honest,
I lied for booze.
461
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:40,298
But, Meg,
you're a smart girl.
462
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,531
You ought to be able to see
that what's going on here
is wrong.
463
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,298
You are not gonna turn
me from my faith, Brian.
464
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:49,499
Okay, fine. Then let
me just ask you this.
465
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,099
If there were a God,
466
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:52,599
would he have put
you here on Earth
467
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:54,598
with
a flat chest
and a fat ass?
468
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:57,066
I'm made in his image.
469
00:19:57,134 --> 00:19:58,431
Really?
470
00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:00,231
Would he give you
a smoking hot mom
like Lois
471
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,331
and then have you grow
up looking like Peter?
472
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,531
Well...
473
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,364
And what kind of God
would put you in a house
474
00:20:05,433 --> 00:20:07,398
where
no one respects
or cares about you,
475
00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:10,032
not even enough to get
you a damn mumps shot?
476
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,032
Oh, no!
477
00:20:13,134 --> 00:20:16,032
You're right, Brian.
You're right.
478
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:17,298
I'm sorry, Meg.
479
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:20,032
But what is there to
believe in without God?
480
00:20:20,101 --> 00:20:21,799
Where do the answers
come from?
481
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:23,832
Well, that's all part
of the human experience.
482
00:20:23,901 --> 00:20:25,832
It's what we're
here to find out.
483
00:20:25,901 --> 00:20:28,799
And I bet you that the real
answer to the nature of our
existence
484
00:20:28,867 --> 00:20:32,799
is gonna be more unimaginably
amazing than we can possibly
conceive.
485
00:21:35,366 --> 00:21:38,665
Rob?
Did you hear that?
486
00:21:40,101 --> 00:21:41,231
Hear what?
487
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,865
I swear
I heard something.
488
00:21:43,934 --> 00:21:47,199
(SIGHS) Adam, we have
been over and over this.
489
00:21:47,268 --> 00:21:49,098
There
is nothing
under your bed.
490
00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:51,233
There
is nothing
in the closet.
491
00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:54,698
There are no such
things as monsters.
492
00:21:54,767 --> 00:21:55,865
All right?
493
00:21:57,567 --> 00:21:59,132
All right, I guess.
494
00:21:59,201 --> 00:22:01,032
Good.
495
00:22:01,101 --> 00:22:05,065
Now, try to go to sleep
'cause we got to get up in
the morning and make movies.
496
00:22:05,134 --> 00:22:06,898
We're big Hollywood actors.
497
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:09,765
Yeah, we are.
498
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:26,333
This was exhausting.
499
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,631
This whole experience
was absolutely exhausting.
500
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:32,732
You people
have ruined Star Trek:
The Next Generation for me.
501
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,899
You are absolutely the most
insufferable group of
jackasses
502
00:22:35,968 --> 00:22:37,866
I have ever had
the misfortune
of spending
503
00:22:37,934 --> 00:22:41,299
an extended
period of time with.
I hope you all fucking die.
504
00:22:41,367 --> 00:22:43,598
I still have five prize
tickets from the carnival.
505
00:22:43,667 --> 00:22:46,432
There was nothing for five
tickets. We've been over
this.
506
00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:50,432
Well, but LeVar and I
were going to pool ours for
the fuzzy-troll pencil topper.
507
00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:51,799
Oh, yeah?
You gonna share that?
508
00:22:51,868 --> 00:22:53,065
Yeah. We were
gonna share it.
509
00:22:53,134 --> 00:22:54,231
Really?
How was that gonna work?
510
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:55,465
Three days at my house,
511
00:22:55,533 --> 00:22:57,999
three days at LeVar's,
and alternating Sundays.
512
00:22:58,067 --> 00:22:59,565
For a pencil topper?
513
00:22:59,634 --> 00:23:00,632
I have to pee again.
514
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:01,899
That's it. Goodbye.
515
00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:04,698
Fuck!
516
00:23:38,734 --> 00:23:39,732
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