1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,732
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,801 --> 00:00:09,231
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:12,698
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,767 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,533 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,965
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,799
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,968 --> 00:00:38,632
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
11
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,598
Hey, Quagmire.
12
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,432
QUAGMIRE: Peter, I want you
and the guys to come over
to my house right now.
13
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:45,765
We're drinking. What for?
14
00:00:45,833 --> 00:00:47,432
Just come over. I want
you to see something.
15
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,332
(SIGHS)
All right. Come on, guys.
We're going to Quagmire's.
16
00:00:50,401 --> 00:00:54,332
All right, hang on.
I gotta go to the
bathroom first.
17
00:00:54,401 --> 00:00:55,732
Okay, let's go.
18
00:00:57,867 --> 00:01:01,065
Oh, finally! Come on.
Come on. Come on inside.
19
00:01:01,134 --> 00:01:03,565
Well, what is it?
What's the big
damn deal?
20
00:01:03,634 --> 00:01:04,731
Look.
21
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,498
It's a cat.
22
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,799
Yeah! I just
got him today.
His name's James.
23
00:01:09,867 --> 00:01:11,865
Isn't he just
the cutest thing
you've ever seen?
24
00:01:11,934 --> 00:01:12,965
Hi, James.
25
00:01:13,034 --> 00:01:14,065
(MEWS)
26
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:15,765
Oh, my God!
27
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:17,432
Watch when I
scratch his bottom.
28
00:01:17,501 --> 00:01:19,832
He sticks his
fanny in the air.
29
00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:22,799
We have liftoff.
We have liftoff.
30
00:01:22,868 --> 00:01:24,299
(LAUGHING)
31
00:01:24,368 --> 00:01:25,866
Come here, James.
32
00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:28,366
What the hell
are we doing?
33
00:01:28,434 --> 00:01:30,299
Quagmire,
since when do
you like cats?
34
00:01:30,368 --> 00:01:33,066
Since I found this little
guy living under my house.
35
00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:34,631
I'll tell you this.
36
00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:37,732
I understand
now why the pharaohs
worshipped these animals.
37
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:38,799
(RIPPING)
38
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:41,565
Oh, look, Joe.
He's making friends.
39
00:01:41,633 --> 00:01:42,832
Oh, sorry.
40
00:01:42,901 --> 00:01:44,765
You know what?
It's all right,
Quagmire.
41
00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:46,732
That leg
is mostly pus.
42
00:01:53,434 --> 00:01:54,565
Okay.
Here it comes, James.
43
00:01:54,634 --> 00:01:56,165
Here comes the part
I was telling you about.
44
00:01:56,233 --> 00:01:57,265
(MEWS)
45
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:58,498
(EXCLAIMS)
46
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,199
You're one of those!
47
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,466
I hate Quagmire lately.
Me, too.
48
00:02:06,534 --> 00:02:08,932
That cat has totally
changed his personality.
49
00:02:09,001 --> 00:02:11,765
Yeah. Like,
when I went over to
his house the other day.
50
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:14,798
QUAGMIRE:
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Who is it?
51
00:02:14,867 --> 00:02:17,798
It's me, Quagmire.
I need to borrow
your lawnmower.
52
00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:19,132
Quagmire's not here.
53
00:02:19,201 --> 00:02:21,731
It's just me, James. I'm
supposed to watch the house.
54
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,099
Come on, Quagmire.
55
00:02:23,168 --> 00:02:26,099
It's 97
degrees out here.
We're two grown men.
56
00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:28,631
Are you
selling yarn?
'Cause I love yarn.
57
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,999
No. I need to
borrow your lawnmower.
58
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,498
Oh, I don't
think Quagmire
wants me to do that.
59
00:02:33,566 --> 00:02:35,398
Oh, come on.
60
00:02:35,466 --> 00:02:38,465
I don't think Quagmire
appreciated the condition
you returned it in last time.
61
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:41,065
Glenn, can I just...
(REGULAR VOICE) No!
You can't have it!
62
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:42,832
Hey, guys. It's
James' birthday
tomorrow.
63
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:44,532
Would you all
sign his card?
64
00:02:44,601 --> 00:02:46,598
You want us to sign
a card for your cat?
65
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,999
Yeah. And don't
just put your name.
Write something clever.
66
00:02:49,067 --> 00:02:51,098
God, I hate
having to come up
with something on the spot.
67
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:52,598
Um...
68
00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:57,232
"Have a mice day.
Best fishes. Peter."
69
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,331
(SIGHS) Thanks. That's great.
70
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,665
Well, I gotta get going.
71
00:03:00,734 --> 00:03:03,065
I'm heading off to Vermont
to get James' birthday
present.
72
00:03:03,134 --> 00:03:05,231
There's this
neat little store
called Cattitudes
73
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:06,965
that makes all
this neat cat stuff.
74
00:03:07,034 --> 00:03:08,198
See you guys later.
75
00:03:09,267 --> 00:03:10,565
What a queer.
76
00:03:10,634 --> 00:03:13,765
He's going
all the way to Vermont
for cat gifts and whatnot?
77
00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:17,498
You can get
a scratching post
down at Walmart for $2,
78
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:20,165
pair of Lee jeans for $9.
79
00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,865
You know, they got
seats for children now.
80
00:03:21,934 --> 00:03:25,432
You
put them right in your car.
Supposed to make them safer.
81
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:29,231
Only problem is you
can't lean your seat
all the way back. Oh.
82
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,565
We gotta do
something about this.
83
00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:37,332
His whole life is
about that stupid cat.
84
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,632
Hey, you know, the cat's
alone at Quagmire's
right now.
85
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:42,999
You know what we should do?
We should go over there
and shave it.
86
00:03:43,068 --> 00:03:46,598
That's a great idea!
Let's do it!
Let's shave the cat!
87
00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,331
Oh, boy! I usually
only get this excited
88
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,865
when they say the title
of a movie in the movie.
89
00:03:50,934 --> 00:03:53,065
MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you
these drug dealers represent
90
00:03:53,134 --> 00:03:55,899
a clear
and present danger
to the United States!
91
00:03:55,967 --> 00:03:58,432
(EXCLAIMS)
He said it!
He said it!
92
00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,866
MAN 2: All I'm
saying is what if this
is as good as it gets?
93
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,398
(EXCLAIMS)
There it is!
There it is!
94
00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:06,531
MAN 3: The only way
for me to solve
this crisis
95
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,431
is to be
Superman IV:
The Quest for Peace.
96
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,298
Oh, that's why
they call it that.
97
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,632
All right. The
cat's gotta be
in here.
98
00:04:21,701 --> 00:04:24,332
Hey, let's
take a man-sized
poop in his cat box,
99
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,332
so he thinks
there's something
really wrong with him.
100
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,798
There it is!
101
00:04:29,101 --> 00:04:30,432
Rock 'n' roll!
102
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:33,532
Yeah, shaving time.
All right, hand me
the razor.
103
00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:37,498
(MEOWS IN PAIN)
104
00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:38,698
Oh, my God!
105
00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,065
Peter, you killed it!
106
00:04:40,134 --> 00:04:43,032
Will you guys relax?
He's got eight more
lives.
107
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,999
Okay, seven more lives.
108
00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:48,965
Six. Five.
Four. Three.
109
00:04:49,034 --> 00:04:50,466
Peter, stop doing
what you're doing.
110
00:04:50,534 --> 00:04:51,565
What do we do?
111
00:04:51,634 --> 00:04:53,165
All right. All right.
I have an idea.
112
00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:55,899
How about
we hide the cat's body
and leave that window open?
113
00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:57,866
And that way
it'll seem like
the cat ran away.
114
00:04:57,934 --> 00:04:59,531
We'll never get
away with that!
115
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:04,532
Oh, we just might.
You see, I've got
a lucky cat's foot.
116
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,465
(TIRES SCREECHING)
117
00:05:07,534 --> 00:05:09,965
You know, Peter, it's
sort of adding insult
to injury
118
00:05:10,034 --> 00:05:13,298
raiding Quagmire's fridge for
beer after you killed his cat.
119
00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:17,065
"Or is it?"
is my response.
120
00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:19,232
(SIREN WAILING)
121
00:05:19,301 --> 00:05:22,065
Oh, crap!
God, I hate cops.
122
00:05:22,134 --> 00:05:25,065
Almost as much as I hated
my overly sensitive car
alarm.
123
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:41,498
(CAR ALARM WAILING)
124
00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:43,565
Son of a bitch!
125
00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:44,798
What do we got,
partner?
126
00:05:44,867 --> 00:05:46,166
Empty
alcohol containers.
127
00:05:46,235 --> 00:05:48,133
The
driver's inebriated
and covered in blood.
128
00:05:48,201 --> 00:05:50,066
He's got scratches
on his face and arms.
129
00:05:50,135 --> 00:05:51,932
There's a blood-soaked
corpse in the back seat.
130
00:05:52,001 --> 00:05:53,598
Got shovels in there,
131
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:56,531
and a hand-drawn map titled
"This Is Where We'll Hide
the Body."
132
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,431
Well,
that all seems fine.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
133
00:06:02,634 --> 00:06:04,132
Pot!
Small amount of pot!
134
00:06:04,201 --> 00:06:05,832
You're under arrest,
dirtbag!
135
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:06,932
Oh, come on!
136
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,532
I don't appreciate
drug addicts in
my town!
137
00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:10,998
I'm a family guy!
138
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,265
(EXCLAIMS)
He said it!
139
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:22,366
All right, Brian. Your
family's here to bail
you out.
140
00:06:22,434 --> 00:06:23,932
Brian,
if you don't mind,
141
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,665
we'll start thinking up
our prison-rape jokes
immediately.
142
00:06:25,734 --> 00:06:27,098
I'll break the ice.
143
00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:30,198
Hey, Brian, did you do
hard time? Or hardly
working?
144
00:06:31,801 --> 00:06:33,532
Penis.
145
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:34,765
All right.
All the pieces are there.
146
00:06:34,834 --> 00:06:36,032
Somebody make
something out
of that.
147
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:38,399
Hey, Brian. Who's your
favorite baseball player?
148
00:06:38,468 --> 00:06:40,032
Albert Pujols?
149
00:06:40,101 --> 00:06:41,999
Chris, stop it! Come on.
150
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,399
Brian, we're happy
you're out of jail.
151
00:06:44,467 --> 00:06:47,598
And when we get to the car,
would you like a donut to
sit on?
152
00:06:47,667 --> 00:06:50,065
(LAUGHING) You see?
I'm part of it!
153
00:06:50,134 --> 00:06:53,732
I'm part of it
like everyone else!
154
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,799
I can't believe
they threw me in jail
for a quarter ounce of pot.
155
00:06:56,868 --> 00:06:58,531
Well, Brian,
it's your own fault.
156
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,498
I mean, pot is illegal
for a reason.
157
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:02,865
Lois, don't be a hypocrite.
You've smoked pot.
158
00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:06,199
Well, sure, Brian, but I'm
thinking about the children.
159
00:07:06,267 --> 00:07:08,365
Pot's illegal
mainly to protect them.
160
00:07:08,434 --> 00:07:11,632
No, no. Pot
is illegal because
William Randolph Hearst
161
00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:15,032
ran a smear
campaign against
marijuana in the 1930s
162
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,632
to protect
his interests in
the timber industry,
163
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,465
because
hemp was poised
to replace wood
164
00:07:19,534 --> 00:07:22,965
as
an inexpensive raw material
for the manufacture of paper.
165
00:07:23,034 --> 00:07:24,865
(FARTING)
166
00:07:24,934 --> 00:07:27,066
There's your
smear campaign
right there, Brian.
167
00:07:27,134 --> 00:07:28,165
(LAUGHS)
168
00:07:28,234 --> 00:07:30,165
Mom's right.
Drugs are bad, Brian.
169
00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:32,099
I mean,
haven't you seen
those commercials?
170
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:16,798
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
171
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:18,232
JOE: Open up, Brian.
It's Joe.
172
00:08:18,301 --> 00:08:20,099
(STAMMERING) Crap!
Just a sec.
173
00:08:24,534 --> 00:08:28,366
Brian, under your probation,
you're required to submit
to random drug tests.
174
00:08:28,434 --> 00:08:29,465
I need some urine.
175
00:08:29,534 --> 00:08:30,932
You mean right now?
176
00:08:31,001 --> 00:08:32,299
Yes, right now.
177
00:08:32,368 --> 00:08:34,432
Here's
some magazines
to get you going.
178
00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:36,065
Uh, how's that gonna...
179
00:08:36,134 --> 00:08:38,232
Oh, sorry.
It's been awhile.
180
00:08:38,301 --> 00:08:41,065
Look, I don't
really feel comfortable
doing this in front of you.
181
00:08:41,134 --> 00:08:43,932
Fine. I'll wait outside.
Here's a bottle of lotion.
182
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,899
Uh, Joe...
Right, sorry.
183
00:08:47,034 --> 00:08:48,599
Stewie,
I need your urine!
184
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,565
(GASPS) Really?
185
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:53,132
Yeah. Joe
is doing a drug test, and
if I give him some of mine,
186
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,399
he's gonna know
I've been smoking pot.
187
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,531
So I need some of
your urine, so I
can...
188
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,866
Uh, you don't have
to be naked for this.
189
00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:01,632
But I don't have to not
be naked for it, either.
190
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,532
Aha!
191
00:09:05,734 --> 00:09:08,298
Come on, Stewie.
Hurry up and pee.
Joe's waiting for me.
192
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:11,899
Brian,
you know I can't go
unless you stare at it.
193
00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:13,199
Brian, what the hell?
194
00:09:13,268 --> 00:09:14,932
Uh, hey, Lois.
195
00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:18,131
(GASPS) The jig's up, Brian!
Run!
196
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,899
Brian, is this
how you're trying to
pass your drug test?
197
00:09:20,967 --> 00:09:24,665
By
stealing a baby's urine?
My God, that is just sick!
198
00:09:24,734 --> 00:09:26,798
No. What's sick is
making marijuana illegal
199
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,665
when it's been proven that
it does less damage to
you than alcohol.
200
00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:32,632
No.
What's sick is the plot
of the movie Baby Mama.
201
00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:35,099
MALE ANNOUNCER: What happens
when a 40-year-old woman
202
00:09:35,168 --> 00:09:38,698
asks her
41-year-old friend
to carry her baby?
203
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:41,599
Push, Angie, push!
Push harder... Oh,
it's dead.
204
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:43,432
Brian, when you have
to go to these lengths
205
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:46,865
just to
get away with smoking pot,
it's time to make a change.
206
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:49,265
You're right, Lois.
It is time to make
a change.
207
00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:50,432
Thank you.
208
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:53,032
It's time for Quahog
to legalize marijuana.
209
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,198
What? That's not
exactly what I meant.
210
00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:56,898
(IN FAKE VOICE)
Hey, check out the
size of Stewie's penis.
211
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:58,432
(IN REGULAR VOICE)
Oh, come on, guys!
212
00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:00,065
It's
just the way
God made me.
213
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:04,866
No more oppression!
214
00:10:04,934 --> 00:10:07,066
We as American adults
with free will
215
00:10:07,135 --> 00:10:09,831
have the right
to use marijuana
if we choose to!
216
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:12,999
Enough
government profiteering
under the guise of morality!
217
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:14,932
Enough with this
phony war on drugs!
218
00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:16,065
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
219
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:22,398
You know,
you're going about
this all wrong, Brian.
220
00:10:22,466 --> 00:10:23,865
If you want to
win people over,
221
00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:25,732
you can't just
drone on like
Ben Stein.
222
00:10:25,801 --> 00:10:27,431
You've got to have
a little more
showmanship.
223
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,065
Here, watch.
224
00:10:29,134 --> 00:10:31,099
(PLAYING ME OL' BAM-BOO)
225
00:10:39,534 --> 00:10:42,999
♪ Now,
everybody gather round
and listen if you would
226
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:46,498
♪ When I tell you
every person needs
a way of feeling good
227
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:50,032
♪ Every kitty needs a ball
of string and every dog
a stick
228
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:53,866
♪ But all you need is a bag
of weed to really get a kick
229
00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:57,299
♪ One,
two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight!
230
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:58,932
(ALL SINGING)
♪ A bag o' weed,
a bag o' weed
231
00:10:59,001 --> 00:11:00,665
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
232
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,431
♪ It's the only help
that you'll ever need
233
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,632
♪ Because
everything is better
with a bag o' weed!
234
00:11:04,701 --> 00:11:07,132
There you go.
You're all getting it now.
235
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,498
(ALL SINGING)
236
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,232
♪ They go assault a queer
237
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,732
♪ They rent
The Rocketeer
238
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:18,365
♪ He humps a guy like me
♪ Right!
239
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:22,132
♪ But all we
need is a bag o' weed
to keep us worry free
240
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,432
♪ One, two, three, ho!
A bag o' weed, a bag
o' weed
241
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,166
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
242
00:11:27,235 --> 00:11:28,865
♪ No,
you don't need meth
and you don't need speed
243
00:11:28,934 --> 00:11:31,232
♪ Because
everything is better
with a bag o' weed
244
00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:34,232
Have a go, Brian.
245
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:37,699
♪ As
Mr. H. L. Mencken said
"The common man's a fool"
246
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:39,498
♪ And just like
Helen Keller said...
247
00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:41,165
(MUMBLING)
248
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,965
♪ But try and use your heads
and don't buy into all the
fear
249
00:11:44,034 --> 00:11:45,465
Hey!
250
00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:48,298
♪ Because all we
need is a bag o' weed
to make us want to cheer
251
00:11:48,367 --> 00:11:51,032
♪ And one, two
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed
252
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,731
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
253
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:54,465
♪ You can try and
fight but we're
all agreed
254
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:57,599
♪ Because everything
is better with a bag
o' weed
255
00:13:04,501 --> 00:13:07,865
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight
256
00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:09,632
♪ And a one, two, three, four
257
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:11,531
♪ And a five, and a six
and a seven. Oh!
258
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,165
♪ A bag o' weed,
a bag o' weed
259
00:13:13,233 --> 00:13:14,765
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
260
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:16,632
♪ You're a happy guy
when you plant the seed
261
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:20,464
♪ Because
everything is better
with a bag o' weed
262
00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:24,999
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed! ♪
263
00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:34,198
As Mayor of Quahog,
I hereby sign into law
the legalization of marijuana.
264
00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:42,599
Good evening, everyone. Our
top story, marijuana is now
legal.
265
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:44,865
(STAMMERING) Is now legal.
266
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:48,198
Legal in Quahog.
267
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:51,865
And it's made
everything just so great.
268
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,565
Okay, you...
You can read the next one.
269
00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:54,832
(LAUGHING)
270
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,298
No, you can.
No, you.
271
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,632
Okay, okay, okay.
272
00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,232
Let's read it both together.
Okay.
273
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:00,532
Ready?
Okay.
274
00:14:00,601 --> 00:14:04,498
BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams
with a BlaccuWeather forecast.
275
00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:05,966
How's the weather look,
Ollie?
276
00:14:06,034 --> 00:14:07,398
Not too bad.
277
00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:08,899
Right on.
278
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:11,798
See, Lois?
Tell me things in
Quahog aren't better now.
279
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,332
It's just weird, Brian.
280
00:14:13,401 --> 00:14:15,832
I still don't think I'm
comfortable with the
whole idea.
281
00:14:15,901 --> 00:14:18,198
Look, Lois, ever since
marijuana was legalized,
282
00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:20,965
crime has gone down,
productivity is up,
and ratings
283
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:22,632
for Doctor Who
are through
the roof.
284
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:24,598
Yeah.
But Peter's
so baked lately
285
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:26,598
he can hardly
set up a cutaway.
286
00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:31,132
Man! This is even
better than...
No, wait.
287
00:14:31,201 --> 00:14:35,665
No,
this is worse than...
Better... I don't know.
288
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,766
Here's a list of
celebrities I
don't like.
289
00:15:09,467 --> 00:15:10,698
(GROANS)
290
00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:14,432
Hello, Griffin.
291
00:15:14,501 --> 00:15:16,365
Mr. Pewterschmidt?
Hey, how you been?
292
00:15:16,434 --> 00:15:17,665
Not good.
293
00:15:17,734 --> 00:15:20,598
I'm sorry
to hear that.
Wow! A limo, huh?
294
00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:22,598
Hey, are these
Diet Rites just to take?
295
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:24,966
No! Those are my Diet Rites!
296
00:15:25,034 --> 00:15:26,198
Now, listen, Griffin.
297
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,598
Thanks to your dog's
stupid marijuana crusade,
298
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:33,299
people are using
hemp for everything:
fabric, fuel and paper.
299
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:36,164
Which means I'm losing
billions in timber
dollars.
300
00:15:36,233 --> 00:15:38,098
I had
to sell my
Bangles records.
301
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:40,698
I was still working
on memorizing all
the words.
302
00:15:40,767 --> 00:15:43,932
♪ My back is hurting
from the chair I'm
sitting on
303
00:15:44,001 --> 00:15:45,598
♪ Where's the Tylenol?
304
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:49,999
♪ If I
lay down flat on the floor
it usually kind of fixes it
305
00:15:50,068 --> 00:15:51,631
♪ Tony Danza
from Who's the Boss?
306
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:57,631
♪ Says,
"A-oh, a-oh,
oh-a, oh-a-oh!" ♪
307
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:00,232
I'm losing money, and
it's your dog's fault.
308
00:16:00,301 --> 00:16:02,099
Now, I have to get
hemp illegalized again,
309
00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:05,065
and the only way to do that
is to start a fear campaign
310
00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:07,631
designed to turn
people against pot.
311
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,099
Will you help me?
312
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:11,932
Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I could never go
against Brian like that.
313
00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:14,532
I'll give you this
light-up butterfly
yo-yo.
314
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,631
(GASPS) To keep?
Not to keep!
315
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:19,166
You can use it today
and one more day in
the summer.
316
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:20,898
Yeah!
Pull over.
317
00:16:29,567 --> 00:16:30,565
Bye.
318
00:16:33,301 --> 00:16:36,299
All right, Carter.
I finished cutting
together our anti-pot video.
319
00:16:36,367 --> 00:16:37,932
Take a look.
320
00:16:38,001 --> 00:16:42,166
PETER:
"Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's kill six million Jews."
321
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:46,233
CARTER: "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah,
I'm on board! How did you
come up with that?"
322
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,231
PETER: "I got the idea from...
From...
323
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:50,932
"Well, from while
I was smoking pot.
324
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:54,232
"Anybody else who likes
pot, reach for my joint."
325
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:56,799
CARTER:
"Oh, there it is!
Give us some of that!"
326
00:16:56,868 --> 00:16:57,898
(PETER LAUGHING)
327
00:16:57,967 --> 00:16:59,565
PETER: "Perhaps later.
328
00:16:59,634 --> 00:17:03,498
"Now, let's go to France
and steal all their
objects de art."
329
00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:05,699
CARTER: (EXCLAIMS)
"All right! Let's
go to France."
330
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:06,965
Not bad, eh?
331
00:17:07,034 --> 00:17:09,332
Damn it!
That was Fox News.
332
00:17:09,401 --> 00:17:11,299
Apparently,
they own the rights
to Hitler's likeness
333
00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:13,032
and they won't
have him slandered.
334
00:17:16,533 --> 00:17:18,298
Hi, I'm Peter.
335
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:21,532
You know me from the movie
Harold, Kumar & Peter Go
to White Castle.
336
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:25,165
As you can see, I am enjoying
a White Castle burger.
Why?
337
00:17:25,234 --> 00:17:26,965
Because
I don't do drugs.
338
00:17:27,034 --> 00:17:29,498
Took me five minutes
to get to White Castle.
339
00:17:29,567 --> 00:17:32,598
I didn't get diverted
by all those crazy
high jinks.
340
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:34,665
'Cause I don't get high.
341
00:17:35,734 --> 00:17:38,066
It was a good movie, though.
342
00:17:38,134 --> 00:17:39,799
You know Neil Patrick Harris
got the job
343
00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:42,631
on
How I Met Your Mother
'cause of that movie?
344
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:44,066
You know, I've only
seen that show once,
345
00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:46,032
but I gotta tell you,
what's really weird
to me is
346
00:17:46,101 --> 00:17:49,699
why is
the voice of the guy
from the future Bob Saget?
347
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:52,331
I mean, the guy on the show,
he's already an adult,
you know?
348
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,565
So it's
not like he's gonna
grow into Bob Saget.
349
00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,732
It doesn't make sense.
350
00:17:57,801 --> 00:17:59,365
Thank you for your time.
351
00:17:59,434 --> 00:18:00,799
Well, what do you think?
352
00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:03,331
Look, Daddy,
I agree with what
you're trying to do,
353
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,565
but I just don't
think this is gonna work.
354
00:18:05,633 --> 00:18:07,166
It's so artificial.
355
00:18:07,233 --> 00:18:09,066
You're asking for a
spanking, young lady.
356
00:18:09,134 --> 00:18:10,498
Yeah!
QUAGMIRE: All right!
357
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:12,765
Peter,
the reason Brian
succeeded in his cause
358
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:15,365
is that he spoke
with such passion.
359
00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:18,299
No offense,
but you two just
don't have that talent.
360
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:21,132
Are you kidding?
I can be very persuasive.
361
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:23,233
That's how I used to
lure wayward sailors
362
00:18:23,301 --> 00:18:25,766
to their deaths
with my siren song.
363
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:29,166
(HUMMING THEME FROM
THE ROCKFORD FILES)
364
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:51,298
(SAILORS SCREAM)
365
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:57,299
Hello, Brian.
You're looking good.
366
00:18:57,368 --> 00:18:58,898
Nice shiny coat.
367
00:18:58,968 --> 00:19:00,865
Don't try to
butter me up, Carter.
Why did you call me here?
368
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:03,565
Come inside.
There's something
I want to show you.
369
00:19:08,134 --> 00:19:09,698
What's this?
370
00:19:09,768 --> 00:19:13,166
It's your novel, Brian,
Faster than the Speed
of Love.
371
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,931
Ready to
ship out tomorrow.
372
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,966
All you have to do is
publicly come out
against pot.
373
00:19:18,034 --> 00:19:20,432
Forget it, Carter. I'm
not gonna take your bribe.
374
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,365
I don't care if you
printed a million copies.
375
00:19:22,433 --> 00:19:23,965
I printed two million.
376
00:19:24,034 --> 00:19:27,998
And I even commissioned an
oil painting for your
author's photo.
377
00:19:28,733 --> 00:19:30,099
And what's this?
378
00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:33,498
Is this an Oprah Book
Club sticker? I think
it is.
379
00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:35,832
Wait. Really? Oh, my God!
380
00:19:35,901 --> 00:19:38,665
Plus, I can get you
a night in bed with
Oprah.
381
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,299
(GROANING HESITANTLY)
382
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,499
Okay, just the sticker then.
So what do you say?
Is it a deal?
383
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:44,532
You don't
have to sell out
like this, Brian!
384
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,132
(INHALES DEEPLY)
385
00:19:46,201 --> 00:19:50,932
(HALTINGLY) Your novel is good
enough to be published on its
own merits.
386
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,565
You think so?
Yeah, you bet.
387
00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:57,499
This is your shot, Brian.
You can be a superstar
author.
388
00:19:57,567 --> 00:20:01,332
All you got to do
is make an impassioned
anti-pot speech in public.
389
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:04,498
Forget it, Carter!
Even Stewie says the book
is good enough on its own.
390
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:05,665
Right, Stewie?
391
00:20:05,733 --> 00:20:07,165
(GROANING HESITANTLY)
392
00:20:07,233 --> 00:20:09,765
Maybe do a song
about why pot
is bad.
393
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:12,565
♪ And that's why pot is bad ♪
394
00:20:12,633 --> 00:20:14,799
(ALL CHEERING)
395
00:20:14,868 --> 00:20:17,932
I've heard all I need to
make an informed decision.
396
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:21,431
Marijuana is hereby
re-illegalized.
397
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:29,199
In other news, a local
Quahog author has set
a record
398
00:20:29,268 --> 00:20:31,831
for the
worst-selling
novel of all time.
399
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:34,331
Brian Griffin's
Faster than the
Speed of Love
400
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,865
has astonishingly
not sold a single
copy
401
00:20:36,934 --> 00:20:40,066
thanks to
universal panning
by literary critics.
402
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:43,966
Coming up,
children are getting
sexier, and that's...
403
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,065
That's pretty cool.
404
00:20:46,134 --> 00:20:49,366
This is so humiliating.
I sold out everything
I believed in,
405
00:20:49,434 --> 00:20:52,699
and I have
nothing to show for
it. My book's a bomb.
406
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:55,665
Well, look at it this way.
You did accomplish something.
407
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:57,765
Marijuana's
illegal because of you,
408
00:20:57,834 --> 00:21:01,865
and Stewie got to
build a nice little fort
with all of your unsold books.
409
00:21:01,934 --> 00:21:04,099
My house is
made of mediocrity.
410
00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:06,665
(DOORBELL RINGS)
411
00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:09,665
Hey, guys.
I want you to know
I'm raising my reward to $50
412
00:21:09,733 --> 00:21:13,132
for anyone who can
help me find James.
No questions asked.
413
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,832
I killed your cat.
414
00:21:51,967 --> 00:21:52,998
English - US - Line 21