1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,899
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,967 --> 00:00:09,331
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,932
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,932
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,001 --> 00:00:19,364
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,433 --> 00:00:22,498
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,567 --> 00:00:24,265
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,334 --> 00:00:25,899
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,968 --> 00:00:30,732
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,367 --> 00:00:39,598
Oh,
Joe, thank you so much for
inviting us to your barbecue.
11
00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:41,231
Well, it's
my pleasure, Lois.
12
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:43,198
Hey, can one of you
other men come over
here
13
00:00:43,266 --> 00:00:45,032
and
comment on the meat
while I'm cooking it?
14
00:00:45,101 --> 00:00:47,333
Yeah, I got it.
15
00:00:47,401 --> 00:00:51,732
Yeah. Those are looking good.
Yeah, that's what I'm
talking about.
16
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:53,032
Yeah, don't flip
them too often now.
17
00:00:53,101 --> 00:00:54,932
You don't want
to lose the juices.
18
00:00:55,001 --> 00:00:57,232
Yeah. Yeah,
coming along nicely.
19
00:00:57,301 --> 00:00:59,465
Yeah, those are
cooking just fine.
20
00:00:59,534 --> 00:01:02,266
Scoop that one up
and put it back down
in the exact same spot.
21
00:01:02,334 --> 00:01:04,232
All right,
they're done!
Time to eat!
22
00:01:04,301 --> 00:01:07,032
Oh, boy! I'm so
hungry I could
eat a horse.
23
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:11,098
I...uh... I misspoke.
24
00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:13,598
(WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
25
00:01:13,667 --> 00:01:16,865
Wow, Bonnie!
You really took off
the baby weight quickly.
26
00:01:16,933 --> 00:01:18,398
Oh, thanks, Lois.
27
00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:21,166
Hey, do you mind rubbing
some of that sunblock on
my back?
28
00:01:21,235 --> 00:01:25,199
Of course, Bonnie.
Oh, but I don't want
to get any on my shirt.
29
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:30,398
Mmm...
That feels good.
30
00:01:32,768 --> 00:01:35,431
Um, you're going
a little low there, Lois.
31
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:38,066
(CHUCKLING)
Okay. I'm sorry.
32
00:01:38,135 --> 00:01:39,598
(SAWING)
33
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:40,766
QUAGMIRE: Giggity!
34
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,265
(SAWING CONTINUES)
35
00:01:43,234 --> 00:01:45,965
Aw,
Joe, Susie's
such a cute baby.
36
00:01:46,034 --> 00:01:47,598
Hey,
whatever happened
to your son, Kevin?
37
00:01:47,667 --> 00:01:48,765
He died in Iraq.
38
00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:50,264
Sad.
39
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:52,431
"I won't
let you walk out of
here without that dress."
40
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,331
"I don't know.
Will I ever wear it?"
41
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,531
"Yes, you will. You've got
that thing for the opening
of the library next week.
42
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,364
"It's perfect for that."
43
00:01:58,433 --> 00:01:59,498
"Hey, everybody."
44
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,264
"Oh! Look.
It's black Barbie.
45
00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:02,565
"Why are you all alone?"
46
00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:04,832
"Oh, they discontinued
my boyfriend.
47
00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:08,132
"Mom says I'm the one
whose hair it's okay
to cut."
48
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:11,631
Hey! I was
playing with that!
49
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:14,899
Hey, come back here!
All right. You asked
for it.
50
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,032
(PUNCHES STRIKING)
51
00:02:17,101 --> 00:02:19,098
Holy crap!
52
00:02:19,167 --> 00:02:21,665
All right. Let's
try that one again.
53
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,598
(GROANING)
54
00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:27,598
(SOBBING IN PAIN)
55
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:31,066
Oh, my God! Stewie!
56
00:02:31,134 --> 00:02:34,032
(CHUCKLES)
Your kid got beat
up by a baby girl!
57
00:02:34,101 --> 00:02:36,032
Oh, man! This is
more painful to
watch
58
00:02:36,101 --> 00:02:39,065
than when Family Ties
does a Tina Yothers
episode.
59
00:02:39,134 --> 00:02:40,966
ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer,
what happened in school
today?
60
00:02:41,034 --> 00:02:42,199
JENNIFER: (ON TV)
I got my period!
61
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:44,932
And I will see the
Keaton family next
week.
62
00:02:49,533 --> 00:02:52,632
Okay now, sweetie.
This isn't gonna
hurt at all.
63
00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:56,198
(YELLS IN PAIN)
Those lying bastards
at Johnson & Johnson!
64
00:02:56,267 --> 00:02:58,299
We'll put, "No more tears"
on the label.
65
00:02:58,368 --> 00:02:59,999
But it does
make you cry.
66
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,065
I know.
67
00:03:01,134 --> 00:03:03,232
(BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
68
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,564
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
69
00:03:08,633 --> 00:03:10,732
Lois, you should just let
those wounds get infected.
70
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,565
It'll teach him
a lesson about
being tough.
71
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:15,565
Peter,
he's just a baby.
You got to let this go.
72
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:18,165
My baby boy got
beat up by a girl.
73
00:03:18,234 --> 00:03:20,598
What was weird was
that she was crying,
74
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,266
but the way she
was standing over me
75
00:03:22,335 --> 00:03:24,433
made it look
like I was crying,
76
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:26,165
which was weird.
77
00:03:26,234 --> 00:03:28,599
Peter, what exactly are you
worried is gonna happen
because of this?
78
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,065
World War V.
79
00:03:30,134 --> 00:03:31,232
Peter, we've
been over this.
80
00:03:31,301 --> 00:03:34,099
There has to be
a World War III
and IV first.
81
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:36,366
Oh, no. Oh, no.
That's the beauty
of World War V, Lois.
82
00:03:36,434 --> 00:03:38,699
It's so intense it
skips over the other two.
83
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:40,099
Peter, it doesn't work...
84
00:03:40,167 --> 00:03:41,531
I have spoken!
85
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:49,932
(GASPS)
There's Connie D'Amico.
Chris, don't walk next to me.
86
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,366
Hi, Connie. Uh, so,
I heard you talking in
the hall the other day
87
00:03:53,435 --> 00:03:55,399
about
how much you liked
High School Musical 2
88
00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:57,433
so I burned you the
soundtrack.
89
00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:59,765
Okay.
Prepare for
itemized insults.
90
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:03,165
A. Don't
ever listen to me talk.
You don't deserve my words.
91
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:06,565
B. When
I said I enjoyed it,
I was speaking ironically.
92
00:04:06,634 --> 00:04:09,665
And C.
You actually like
High School Musical?
93
00:04:09,734 --> 00:04:12,065
What are you? Eight?
No, that's impossible
94
00:04:12,134 --> 00:04:15,499
because I've seen that big
hairy mudflap ass of yours
in the locker room.
95
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:16,599
Questions?
96
00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:17,732
Hey, Meg.
Take that!
97
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:18,932
(FARTS)
98
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:20,365
(ALL LAUGHING)
99
00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:21,665
(CHUCKLING)
That was awesome!
100
00:04:21,734 --> 00:04:23,399
The joke's kind of on us
because we're smelling it.
101
00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:25,232
JOCK 1: Yeah!
JOCK 2: Awesome!
102
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,765
JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go!
JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!
103
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:29,398
(SCOFFS) Scott
is such an idiot.
104
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:30,999
I'm totally
breaking up
with him.
105
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:33,298
I'm gonna
switch to one of
the other popular guys.
106
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:36,398
But, Connie, you've gone out
with, like, every popular
boy in this school.
107
00:04:36,467 --> 00:04:39,599
(SIGHS) Yeah, you're right.
God, they all suck so much.
108
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:42,432
I need a new challenge.
What if...
109
00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:43,999
Wait. Now, bear
with me on this.
110
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:47,332
What if I date a loser and
make him over into
a popular guy?
111
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,732
Wow! Great idea!
I'm glad I hung
in there!
112
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,432
Now,
who are the biggest
losers in this school?
113
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,098
Well,
there's Smiley McGee.
114
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:55,732
Hello.
115
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,431
CONNIE:
Nah. I hear
he's a bed-wetter.
116
00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:00,032
GINA: And
Chris Griffin.
117
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,698
Oh, my God! I can
smell him from here.
118
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:04,665
He's perfect.
God, you're right.
119
00:05:04,733 --> 00:05:06,765
He smells like
Fred Flintstone's ass.
120
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:09,599
Hey!
No one's asking
you to smell it!
121
00:05:13,134 --> 00:05:16,166
All right, Stewie. Your dad's
gonna help you learn how to
be a man.
122
00:05:16,235 --> 00:05:17,866
Real men have
a couple of
beers
123
00:05:17,934 --> 00:05:20,032
and then project their
inadequacies on their
kids.
124
00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:21,133
Okay.
What's that?
125
00:05:21,201 --> 00:05:22,265
You think
you're better than me?
126
00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:23,932
What? No.
I didn't say that.
127
00:05:24,001 --> 00:05:26,732
So I guess you think you would
have been some kind of big
shot by my age, huh?
128
00:05:26,801 --> 00:05:28,698
Done
things differently?
Gotten that promotion?
129
00:05:28,768 --> 00:05:30,133
I don't even
know what you do.
130
00:05:30,201 --> 00:05:31,598
Well,
let me tell
you something!
131
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:34,899
You're nothing,
and you're never
gonna be nothing!
132
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,599
Now, let's sit here
and watch Spike TV.
133
00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:40,565
TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV,
full of stuff men like.
134
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:41,732
(TIRES SQUEALING)
135
00:05:41,801 --> 00:05:42,866
(PUNCHING)
136
00:05:42,934 --> 00:05:44,299
(TOILET FLUSHING)
137
00:05:44,368 --> 00:05:45,432
(FARTING)
138
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:46,499
(GUN SHOT FIRED)
139
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:47,765
(WOMAN MOANS)
140
00:05:47,834 --> 00:05:49,333
TV ANNOUNCER:
Yeah, that stuff.
141
00:05:55,333 --> 00:05:58,665
Wow, my favorite. PB and
J with the crusts cut off.
142
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,798
What did you get?
Your crusts.
143
00:06:00,867 --> 00:06:02,565
That's it?
No.
144
00:06:02,634 --> 00:06:05,932
I also got an orange peel
and a picture of Mom
eating a turkey leg.
145
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,498
(GASPS)
146
00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:11,999
Oh, my God! Connie's coming
over to talk to me! Sit up
straight!
147
00:06:12,068 --> 00:06:14,599
Hey, Meg, nice posture.
Get lost.
148
00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:16,331
Thank you.
149
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,331
Chris Griffin,
you are undoubtedly the
most unpopular boy in school.
150
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,398
I am? What about
Smiley McGee over there?
151
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:25,565
Hello.
152
00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:27,999
You and I are going
on a date Saturday
night.
153
00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:31,331
Um... Okay.
I'll see you then.
154
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,099
Why would she
go out with me?
155
00:06:33,167 --> 00:06:36,898
She must be more drunk than
Santa Claus when he got
that DUI.
156
00:06:36,967 --> 00:06:38,966
(SLURRING) No, no.
It wasn't my fault.
157
00:06:39,034 --> 00:06:41,598
Some guy
in a Plymouth
totally cut me off.
158
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,865
Sir, they don't
make Plymouths
anymore.
159
00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:45,032
Are you Jewish?
160
00:06:45,101 --> 00:06:47,098
Sir, I'm gonna need you
to step out of the sleigh.
161
00:06:51,767 --> 00:06:54,132
All right, Stewie.
We're gonna get you
nice and pumped up.
162
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,565
Now, you see that
barbell over there?
163
00:06:55,634 --> 00:06:57,699
Go ahead and
try and lift
that.
164
00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:00,032
(GRUNTING)
165
00:07:01,134 --> 00:07:03,865
Uh-oh, spadoodios.
166
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,532
I notice your kid
is having some
trouble.
167
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,631
You're telling me.
168
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:08,965
Oh, your kid just
needs a little help.
169
00:07:09,034 --> 00:07:11,066
I got something
that'll get him
going.
170
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,598
Well, if there's
anyone I can trust,
171
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:17,265
it's
a stranger at the gym
holding a dirty needle.
172
00:07:17,334 --> 00:07:18,431
Here, Stewie. Try this.
173
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,198
What the hell are you...
174
00:07:20,266 --> 00:07:23,698
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my!
Suddenly I'm full
of energy!
175
00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:25,965
All right, fat man!
Let's do this!
176
00:07:26,034 --> 00:07:28,066
(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)
177
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,798
Wow, Stewie!
You look like a new man.
178
00:07:49,867 --> 00:07:52,098
Well, will you look at me?
179
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,965
I have the power!
180
00:07:55,034 --> 00:07:56,132
♪ He-Man ♪
181
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:06,231
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Lady and the Tramp and
Michael Vick.
182
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:08,332
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
183
00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:12,932
(DOGS WHIMPERING)
184
00:08:17,868 --> 00:08:19,398
Hello, family.
185
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:20,898
(GRUNTS)
186
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:23,465
Does anyone
need the remote?
187
00:08:23,533 --> 00:08:25,998
Oh, my God!
What the hell
happened to Stewie?
188
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:27,598
Yeah,
looks good.
Doesn't he?
189
00:08:27,667 --> 00:08:30,598
Let's see that little dyke,
Susie Swanson, beat him up
now.
190
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:32,198
Wait a minute.
How do you know she's gay?
191
00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:34,899
Short haircut, stubby legs,
doesn't respond to my
advances.
192
00:08:34,968 --> 00:08:36,965
You haven't
answered my
question!
193
00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:38,731
Why the hell does
Stewie look like this?
194
00:08:38,801 --> 00:08:40,431
Well, I took
him to the gym,
195
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,765
and the colorful
gent there advised me
that I put him on steroids.
196
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,132
And you listened to him?
197
00:08:44,201 --> 00:08:44,899
Yeah. I believe everything
everyone tells me anywhere.
198
00:08:44,967 --> 00:08:45,999
(EXCLAIMS)
199
00:08:48,734 --> 00:08:50,198
What's going on, B minus?
200
00:08:51,934 --> 00:08:54,032
What's the haps?
Stewie, you look gross.
201
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,799
You look like
Lou Ferrigno's poop.
202
00:08:55,867 --> 00:08:57,765
I look
like a guy who's
been hitting the gym.
203
00:08:57,834 --> 00:08:59,799
It has nothing to
do with the gym.
You're on drugs.
204
00:08:59,867 --> 00:09:02,765
Doesn't matter how you find
the pot of gold, B to the
Ryan.
205
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,999
All that matters
is that you beat
the leprechauns.
206
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,466
That doesn't
make any sense.
207
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:07,866
It doesn't
have to make sense
when you look like this!
208
00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:09,065
(GRUNTS)
209
00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:12,299
I am hotter than phone
sex with a blind girl.
210
00:09:12,368 --> 00:09:14,399
You sound hot.
What are you wearing?
211
00:09:14,467 --> 00:09:15,631
I don't know.
212
00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:28,565
DJ ON RADIO:
Classic rock
103.7, WHGT.
213
00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:29,932
I hate this station.
214
00:09:30,001 --> 00:09:32,331
They always
make promises
they can't deliver.
215
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,932
DJ ON RADIO: Playing the
greatest rock-and-roll
hits of all time!
216
00:09:36,001 --> 00:09:37,632
(WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING)
217
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,465
See?
Chris, turn that off.
218
00:09:39,534 --> 00:09:41,598
We have
a lot of work to do
before we go inside.
219
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:42,898
(RADIO SWITCHING OFF)
220
00:09:42,967 --> 00:09:44,231
All right. If I'm
gonna be seen
with you,
221
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:45,665
we have
to do something
about that look.
222
00:09:45,733 --> 00:09:47,398
Now,
take that hat off.
223
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,932
(BAT SCREECHING)
224
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:53,499
Oh, God! Your
hair's all combed.
Here. Let me fix that.
225
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:58,365
All right, good. Now let's
give you a pencil-thin
douchebag beard.
226
00:09:58,434 --> 00:10:00,432
Oh, heavens!
I look like a rake.
227
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,899
No, you
look like you don't
care, and that's good.
228
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:04,565
Oh. Okay.
229
00:10:04,634 --> 00:10:08,132
Um, if we're dating, does that
mean when we go in there I can
hold your hand?
230
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,032
Good idea.
Then everyone will
think you're popular.
231
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,698
Well,
I don't really
care about that.
232
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:15,698
I want to hold your
hand 'cause I like you.
233
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:17,299
I don't understand.
234
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,932
Well, I think you're nice,
and I like spending time
with you.
235
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:24,098
You're really pretty, and
I hope I get to be with
you for a long time.
236
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,265
Wow. Um...
237
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,032
No guy has
ever said anything
that nice to me before.
238
00:10:29,101 --> 00:10:31,765
Well, maybe you've been
hanging around with jerks.
239
00:10:31,833 --> 00:10:34,798
Yeah, maybe I have.
240
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:37,665
Hey, forget the pep rally.
You want to go see a movie?
241
00:10:37,734 --> 00:10:39,499
Cool. Maybe we could go see
242
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:43,331
that Chazz
Palminteri/Paul Sorvino
movie, Distracting Trumpet.
243
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,665
I want to thank you all
for coming out here today.
244
00:10:45,734 --> 00:10:47,599
We got a serious situation
down in the Bronx.
245
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:49,198
(TRUMPET PLAYING SLOW SONG)
246
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:51,698
Our friend
needs to get a message
to the short man in the hat.
247
00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:52,898
(TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER)
248
00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:54,465
(SHOUTING) He needs
to deliver this message
249
00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:57,331
before
the construction-site
contracts are handed down.
250
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,899
(TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER)
251
00:10:58,967 --> 00:11:02,866
It's of vital importance
that these matters be
attended to!
252
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:06,299
So we may
have to bring in
our friend from Yonkers!
253
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:07,798
(SHOUTS) What?
254
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:11,465
I said
we may have to bring in
our friend from Yonkers!
255
00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:18,365
Hey, what the hell?
What, what, what?
256
00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:20,665
Is there a problem? Huh?
You want to go? You want
to go?
257
00:11:20,734 --> 00:11:22,233
Go?
What are you
talking about?
258
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:24,598
I'm talking about go.
That's what I'm
talking about!
259
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:26,531
First one's on the house!
I got things to do.
260
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,598
Where do you
think you're
going?
261
00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:28,832
I'm going downstairs.
262
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:30,799
There's a toll in
the hall now, 10 bucks.
263
00:11:30,868 --> 00:11:32,465
Look, can I...
Uh!
264
00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:33,999
I just...
Uh!
265
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,565
Stewie...
Uh!
266
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:36,932
Look...
Uh!
267
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,532
Come on...
Uh!
268
00:11:38,601 --> 00:11:39,865
I...
Uh!
269
00:11:39,934 --> 00:11:41,065
Just...
Uh!
270
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,532
You...
Uh!
271
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:43,865
This is...
Uh!
272
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:45,598
Can I...
Uh!
273
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:48,265
Ah! I was
just messing with you, man!
You can do whatever you want.
274
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:51,299
I was just kidding you.
Why are you so serious?
275
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:57,331
All right, Chrissy.
Here we go.
276
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:58,999
(GIRL 1 GASPS)
277
00:11:59,068 --> 00:12:00,399
BOY 1: Look!
BOY 2: Oh, my God!
278
00:12:00,467 --> 00:12:01,999
BOY 3: Is
that Chris Griffin
with Connie D'Amico?
279
00:12:02,068 --> 00:12:03,165
BOY 4: I think it is!
280
00:12:03,234 --> 00:12:05,198
GIRL 2: Wow!
That makes him popular.
281
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:07,365
JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin!
JOCK 2: Griff-a!
282
00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:08,432
Griff-amano!
283
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:09,532
(GRUNTING GIBBERISH)
284
00:12:12,233 --> 00:12:14,866
Wow! The jocks
have never said
hello to me before.
285
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:16,532
Hi, you guys.
286
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,998
Hey, Chris, after school
today, we're gonna go to
the pizza place
287
00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:21,598
and make that single mother
who works there feel like
a slut.
288
00:12:21,667 --> 00:12:25,498
She's really sweet
and struggling to raise a
family. It's gonna be great!
289
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:28,731
Wow! You did it, Connie.
Chris Griffin is popular!
290
00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:29,899
So are you
gonna dump
him now?
291
00:12:29,967 --> 00:12:31,731
No, Gina. I'm not.
292
00:12:31,801 --> 00:12:32,932
You're not?
293
00:12:33,001 --> 00:12:34,464
No. There's
something about him.
294
00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:37,498
He's not
like the other guys.
I actually really like him.
295
00:12:37,566 --> 00:12:39,364
You do?
Yeah.
296
00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:42,999
In fact, I'm going to his
house for dinner tonight
so I can meet his parents.
297
00:12:46,034 --> 00:12:49,698
Wow! Connie D'Amico is
coming to my house for
dinner!
298
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:51,698
I just hope Dad
doesn't embarrass us
299
00:12:51,768 --> 00:12:54,532
like he did when that
one-legged guy came over.
300
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:56,264
All right.
Well, if you
like movie trivia,
301
00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:59,032
I got one that'll
stump you. Ahh...
302
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:03,331
Of course
you're probably not really
into tibia... Trivia! Ahh...
303
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,132
Boy!
That global
warming, huh?
304
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,931
They say we
lost a foot of snow
last winter... Ahh...
305
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,565
Hey, how about another beer?
I bet you like the taste of
hops... Ahh...
306
00:13:13,634 --> 00:13:15,132
You only have one leg, sir.
307
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:22,298
Connie, it's so
nice to meet you.
308
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:25,765
We're so excited that Chris
is finally bringing a girl
home for dinner.
309
00:13:25,834 --> 00:13:28,065
It's really nice
to meet you too,
Mrs. Griffin.
310
00:13:28,134 --> 00:13:31,165
Um, do you mind if I ask
what's up with your baby?
311
00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:32,265
I'm gonna go work out.
312
00:13:32,334 --> 00:13:34,499
Again?
That's, like, the
eighth time today.
313
00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:38,065
I'm not
satisfied until every vein
is forced up against my skin.
314
00:13:38,134 --> 00:13:40,232
Look how vascular
I am, Brian.
315
00:13:40,301 --> 00:13:43,698
If there's one
thing women love,
it's a vascular man.
316
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:47,632
♪ I've got veins
317
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:51,131
♪ They carry blood
all over my body ♪
318
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,732
That's how John Mayer
would say it, "body."
319
00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:56,431
I'm really into him now.
You better be okay with it!
320
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,398
Well, to answer
your question,
Connie,
321
00:13:58,467 --> 00:14:00,232
apparently,
I'm married to a man
322
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:03,465
who thinks it's okay
to inject an infant
with steroids.
323
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:04,698
Wait, Lois.
Knock it off for a sec.
324
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:06,498
Connie,
you are really pretty.
325
00:14:06,566 --> 00:14:09,231
I mean,
you have filled
out something whacky.
326
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,398
Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin.
327
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:12,765
I like what you're
doing with your boobs.
328
00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:14,132
Dad!
329
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:16,099
So, Connie,
now that you're
dating my brother,
330
00:14:16,168 --> 00:14:17,665
maybe we can hang out,
you know?
331
00:14:17,734 --> 00:14:20,099
Hey! After dinner,
you want to come
up to my room
332
00:14:20,168 --> 00:14:21,699
and give each
other makeovers?
333
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:23,465
I don't use makeup, Meg.
334
00:14:23,534 --> 00:14:27,432
Of course you don't.
You're all natural. Man,
your dad must be proud!
335
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,499
Actually,
my dad passed
away four years ago.
336
00:14:30,567 --> 00:14:33,998
Yeah, yeah, he did.
He sure did.
337
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,565
You gonna shower before
dessert?
338
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:40,399
Greggy! Fitzy!
339
00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:42,731
T-Bone! Gaggaboo!
340
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,366
Nazi guy!
341
00:14:44,435 --> 00:14:48,665
Griff-a!
Hey, we're totally stoked
for your party this weekend!
342
00:14:48,733 --> 00:14:51,832
(CHUCKLING)
You know it, brother.
It's gonna be awesome.
343
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:55,333
But keep it on the down low
so the spazoids don't catch
wind.
344
00:14:55,401 --> 00:14:56,431
(LAUGHS)
345
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:58,565
(GRUNTS)
Speaking of spazoids.
346
00:14:58,634 --> 00:15:00,832
Wow! Can you
believe it,
Connie?
347
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,598
You and I are going to
be at the same party
this weekend!
348
00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:05,132
This is so cool!
349
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,132
Hey, what are you wearing,
so I make sure I don't
wear the same thing?
350
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,132
Um, you're not invited,
Meg.
351
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,365
What?
But it's at my house.
352
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:14,932
Uh, Connie,
let me handle this.
353
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,765
I'm sorry, Meg.
You can't come.
354
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:20,132
There's
an ass-to-boob ratio
that you're way off of.
355
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,398
Hey, Chris, come on!
356
00:15:22,466 --> 00:15:24,099
Let's corner
the nerds and
call them gay
357
00:15:24,168 --> 00:15:25,765
and make them
show us their
penises!
358
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:27,264
(CHUCKLES) Won't
that be gay of them?
359
00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:28,365
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
360
00:15:28,434 --> 00:15:29,665
(LAUGHING)
That is grotacular!
361
00:15:29,734 --> 00:15:31,799
JOCK 1: Way to go, man.
CHRIS: Awesome, bro.
362
00:15:40,533 --> 00:15:41,965
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
363
00:15:43,867 --> 00:15:46,932
Man! Our boy Chris
partying with the
cool kids.
364
00:15:47,001 --> 00:15:50,432
I am a very
proud dad right now.
And look at that Connie.
365
00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:51,765
Jesus Christ! I bet
that thing's so tight
366
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:52,632
you've gotta call
the city to get
in there.
367
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,432
(SOBBING)
368
00:15:59,701 --> 00:16:03,665
Meg, sweetheart, why don't
you just go downstairs
and join the party?
369
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:05,699
I wasn't invited!
370
00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:08,264
I hate Chris!
He's such a jerk!
371
00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:11,999
Oh, look, honey. He's
just a little confused
about who he is right now.
372
00:16:12,068 --> 00:16:15,131
I'm sure deep down
he still loves his
big sister.
373
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,799
I hate my school!
I hate everyone!
I hate my life!
374
00:16:19,867 --> 00:16:22,432
(SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg.
I've been at this for
45 minutes.
375
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:24,199
I don't know
what else I can say.
376
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:26,498
Here's
a Sylvia Plath book
and a bottle of Ambien.
377
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:29,432
I'm gonna look the other way,
and whatever happens happens.
378
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,266
MAN ON STEREO:
♪ Party music
379
00:16:31,335 --> 00:16:32,832
♪ Party song
380
00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:34,665
♪ Does not attract attention
381
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:37,065
♪ Suggests a good time ♪
382
00:16:37,134 --> 00:16:38,698
Gina, have you seen Chris?
383
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:39,932
Yeah. He's over there.
384
00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:42,431
(GIRLS MOANING)
385
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,165
(GASPS) Chris!
What are you doing?
386
00:16:45,233 --> 00:16:47,298
Getting scraped to
death by my zipper.
387
00:16:47,366 --> 00:16:48,632
You bastard!
388
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,432
How the hell can
you be cheating
on me?
389
00:16:50,501 --> 00:16:52,564
I'm the one who
made you popular!
390
00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:56,099
(CHUCKLES) No, Connie.
Beating up that Jewish
kid made me popular.
391
00:16:56,167 --> 00:16:59,232
Come on, girls! Let's
go upstairs and make out!
392
00:16:59,867 --> 00:17:01,265
(CONNIE GRUNTS)
393
00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:03,032
Oh, no! Connie's been hurt!
394
00:17:03,101 --> 00:17:05,999
I guess
I should lie on top
of her to keep her warm.
395
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:09,665
What are you looking at?
It's a cartoon!
396
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:16,232
Chris, I can't believe
you dissed Connie at
your party.
397
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,865
That was awesome!
Yeah.
398
00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:20,398
I heard about it when I was
making that gay nerd spoon
with me.
399
00:17:20,466 --> 00:17:22,265
Hey, guys.
Room for one more?
400
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:23,599
I don't think so.
401
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,465
JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser.
JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject!
402
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:26,698
JOCK 3: (COUGHING)
Everyone's gay but me.
403
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:33,365
My God!
He's practically ruined me.
404
00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:36,798
I've created a monster.
Meg, we've got to do
something.
405
00:17:36,867 --> 00:17:38,665
We? Are you kidding?
406
00:17:38,733 --> 00:17:41,065
Do you really think
I would help you
out in any way
407
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:42,731
after everything
you've done to me?
408
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,331
What are you talking about?
409
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,565
You see this, Connie?
410
00:17:45,633 --> 00:17:46,832
This is
from when
you called me
411
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:48,765
"sticky-ass cow"
in sixth grade.
412
00:17:48,833 --> 00:17:52,765
This one is from when you
made a plaster cast of my
vagina freshman year.
413
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,599
You want my help?
You can go fuck
yourself!
414
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:57,464
CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast!
MEG: Ah!
415
00:17:57,533 --> 00:17:59,498
CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!
416
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,232
All right, let's do it.
417
00:18:01,301 --> 00:18:03,332
When we're done with him,
he'll be more of an outcast
418
00:18:03,401 --> 00:18:05,366
than a seagull at
an Adam Sandler
movie.
419
00:18:08,601 --> 00:18:12,698
This is my old
bicycle that I had
from when I was 10.
420
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:14,565
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)
421
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:18,199
Sometimes the banana
seat hurts my heinie.
422
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:19,799
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)
423
00:18:19,868 --> 00:18:20,999
Will you shut up?
424
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:22,899
You shut up, man!
It's a comedy!
425
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:25,866
ADAM SANDLER:
When I ring the bell,
it makes my pants feel funny.
426
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:27,399
Ring, ring, ring.
427
00:18:27,468 --> 00:18:28,998
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)
428
00:18:34,433 --> 00:18:39,032
Ah! Another
day of being huge.
Good morning, guns of...
429
00:18:39,101 --> 00:18:43,732
(GASPING) Oh, no!
What's happening?
430
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:46,431
I'll tell
you what's happening.
Your steroids have worn off.
431
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,999
You're weak
like everyone else.
432
00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,766
And guess what? There's
a toll in the hall now.
433
00:18:50,834 --> 00:18:52,832
Stay away from me!
Stay away from me!
434
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:53,965
Stewie, no!
435
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:58,099
(ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
436
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:03,899
(IMITATING ROCKY) And now
here's something we hope
you'll really like.
437
00:19:06,901 --> 00:19:08,632
(CROWD CHATTERING)
438
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:11,966
Settle down, everyone.
Okay. Let's get this
assembly started.
439
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:13,498
Is everything set, Meg?
440
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:15,965
Once Chris gets up there,
my friend in the A/V
Department
441
00:19:16,034 --> 00:19:17,432
will
take care
of everything.
442
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:18,865
Okay, Meg.
Remember our deal.
443
00:19:18,934 --> 00:19:21,765
I do this for you,
and I have your
permission
444
00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:24,398
to think about
you later tonight
when I'm in the tub.
445
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,065
Fine, Neil.
Awesome!
446
00:19:26,134 --> 00:19:30,565
I might even
go leftie tonight,
stranger in the tub.
447
00:19:30,634 --> 00:19:32,032
Before we begin,
448
00:19:32,101 --> 00:19:35,066
Chris Griffin has
an announcement
for the cool kids.
449
00:19:35,134 --> 00:19:36,631
Yeah, hey, guys.
450
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:39,332
The meeting of the Cool
Kids Club will be at 3:15,
451
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,099
leaning up against
Tim Breckner's SUV
in the parking lot.
452
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:46,932
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON SCREEN)
453
00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:55,132
♪ Would you fuck me?
454
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:58,032
♪ I'd fuck me
455
00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:00,999
♪ I'd fuck me so hard ♪
456
00:20:14,468 --> 00:20:16,665
Hey, Chris. What's that?
Did you sit on something?
457
00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:18,032
(MUTTERING GIBBERISH)
458
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:22,365
(ALL LAUGHING)
459
00:20:22,433 --> 00:20:24,732
Chris Griffin's a freak!
What a loser!
460
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,066
I'm gay, all right?
461
00:20:26,134 --> 00:20:29,231
Oh! Come on.
It's me, Griff-a!
462
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,464
You don't get to
talk like that
anymore!
463
00:20:31,533 --> 00:20:35,065
Connie, the person
who humiliated you has
himself been humiliated.
464
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,865
By the
rules of high school,
you are now popular again.
465
00:20:38,901 --> 00:20:40,066
Well, we did it, Connie.
466
00:20:40,134 --> 00:20:41,698
Thanks for your help, Meg.
467
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:44,266
There's no
chance we're gonna be
friends now, is there?
468
00:20:44,335 --> 00:20:45,632
Absolutely not.
469
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:48,232
Can I at least think
about you in the tub
later?
470
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:49,732
No!
471
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,166
I'm still gonna.
472
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:56,899
Well, Chris, you
must feel ridiculous.
473
00:20:56,967 --> 00:20:58,265
I do, Dad.
474
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:00,931
And, Meg,
I'm really sorry
I was such a douche.
475
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,065
Well, there is a way
you can make it up
to me.
476
00:21:03,134 --> 00:21:04,365
How?
477
00:21:04,434 --> 00:21:06,698
Tell me
what it was like
being one of them.
478
00:21:06,767 --> 00:21:10,598
It was like
basking in the warm glow
of a higher intelligence
479
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:15,631
as it envelops you and allows
you to become part of its
everlasting glory.
480
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:18,631
I flew today.
481
00:21:55,734 --> 00:21:56,731
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