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00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:05,899
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,967 --> 00:00:09,298
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:12,898
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,967 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,498
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,567 --> 00:00:24,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:31,032
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,634 --> 00:00:38,998
MAN ON TV: We now return to
19th Century British Girls'
Various Reactions
11
00:00:39,067 --> 00:00:41,699
to Their
Older Sister's
Engagement, on PBS.
12
00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:44,798
Did you hear?
I am to be married!
Hooray!
13
00:00:44,867 --> 00:00:47,065
When am I to find
a gentleman to wed?
14
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,598
Well, I don't know why
anyone should want to
marry.
15
00:00:49,667 --> 00:00:53,098
Oh, Emily,
a fortnight in town
will make you a match.
16
00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:55,965
Yeah. Say that after
a fortnight in town,
bitch.
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00:00:56,034 --> 00:00:58,131
Hey, everybody.
Look what came
in the mail.
18
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,532
We got invitations
to Jillian's wedding.
19
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,598
Jillian's wedding?
She's getting married?
20
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:04,299
Wow, that's great!
21
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:06,766
Looks like
she finally found someone
after dating that last loser.
22
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,132
She dated
someone after me?
23
00:01:08,201 --> 00:01:10,065
No.
See how I set
up my own joke?
24
00:01:10,134 --> 00:01:12,032
You walked right into it,
Brian!
25
00:01:12,101 --> 00:01:15,299
♪ Walk right in
Sit right down
26
00:01:15,368 --> 00:01:17,699
♪ Stewie's gonna
make you the fool ♪
27
00:01:17,767 --> 00:01:22,932
Peter, here's your invite.
Chris, Meg, Stewie and me.
28
00:01:23,901 --> 00:01:25,166
Probably one
more in there.
29
00:01:25,235 --> 00:01:26,899
No. Doesn't look like...
Oh, yeah.
30
00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:29,398
Here it is. Brian.
Oh, no. Wait.
31
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:30,832
It's for B. Ryan.
32
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:32,365
Oh. Cool, Mrs. G.
33
00:01:32,433 --> 00:01:34,431
Thanks for
letting me stay here
the last couple of weeks.
34
00:01:36,034 --> 00:01:37,432
I've enjoyed his company.
35
00:01:37,501 --> 00:01:39,299
She invited
everybody except me?
36
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,332
What the hell?
We dated for
six months!
37
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,265
Ouch. Well,
Brian, looks like
you're the odd man out,
38
00:01:44,333 --> 00:01:46,165
like a non-praying mantis.
39
00:01:46,233 --> 00:01:49,299
Bless us, O Lord,
for these gifts we
are about to receive.
40
00:01:49,368 --> 00:01:52,332
Help us to be mindful
of all our blessings,
and...
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00:01:52,401 --> 00:01:53,499
(MUNCHING)
42
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,199
Brian,
I'm filling
out my RSVP card,
43
00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:09,866
and I don't know whether
I should get the salmon
or the Snausages.
44
00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:11,032
They're having Snausages?
45
00:02:11,101 --> 00:02:12,732
Yeah. It sounds like fun.
46
00:02:12,801 --> 00:02:14,999
Big deal. I could care less
about going to that wedding.
47
00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:16,232
Well,
look on the
bright side.
48
00:02:16,301 --> 00:02:17,999
It frees you up to go
to Cleveland's barbecue.
49
00:02:18,068 --> 00:02:19,498
Cleveland's
having a barbecue?
50
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,832
Oh, boy, this
is really awkward.
51
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:24,098
None of this is awkward!
I've moved on from Jillian!
52
00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:26,199
I've dated plenty of
other girls since her.
53
00:02:26,267 --> 00:02:27,998
I never do
computer dating.
54
00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:29,632
Yeah. Me, neither.
55
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:32,098
So, you're 27?
56
00:02:32,167 --> 00:02:35,565
Well, that picture was,
you know, it was posted
a couple of years ago.
57
00:02:35,634 --> 00:02:37,865
So, you're
a golden retriever?
58
00:02:37,934 --> 00:02:43,098
Well,
it's a retriever mix
Esapeake Bay Bradoodle.
59
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:45,265
Well, where
is that waitress?
60
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,932
Fine. If you're so over her,
we should all go out to
dinner.
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00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,465
You,
me, Jillian and her fiance.
Unless you're uncomfortable.
62
00:02:51,533 --> 00:02:54,164
I would
have no problem with that.
I'd love to meet the fiance.
63
00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:56,632
Great.
And I'm sure DeShawn
would love to meet you.
64
00:02:56,701 --> 00:02:59,164
DeShawn?
Ah! His name's Derek!
65
00:02:59,233 --> 00:03:00,432
But look at your face!
66
00:03:03,367 --> 00:03:05,631
MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to
The Hills.
67
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,999
Justin Bobby
was supposed to
be here already.
68
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,366
Are you still
going out with him?
I guess so.
69
00:03:10,435 --> 00:03:14,665
I hate how he
pushes his bangs out of his
face with every word he says.
70
00:03:14,733 --> 00:03:19,365
Order me
a beer. I have to find
a spot for my motorcycle.
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00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,464
(DOORBELL RINGING)
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00:03:21,466 --> 00:03:22,832
Hi, guys.
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00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,032
Hi, Jillian.
Oh, hey, Jillian.
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00:03:25,101 --> 00:03:27,599
Congratulations on
your upcoming nuptials.
75
00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:30,498
Oh, are they showing?
It's a really thin bra.
76
00:03:30,567 --> 00:03:32,398
Peter, I came over
to ask you something.
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00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:34,665
Will you give me
away at my wedding?
78
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:36,398
Wow, sure!
That'd be great!
79
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:39,099
Jillian, don't you want
your own father to give
you away?
80
00:03:39,167 --> 00:03:43,698
Lois, don't ruin this for me.
Don't ruin this like you
ruined Kix cereal.
81
00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:46,065
Mmm.
This Kix cereal
is good-tasting.
82
00:03:46,134 --> 00:03:48,331
And it's good for you.
83
00:03:48,733 --> 00:03:50,298
Nah!
84
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:53,398
My father can't give
me away 'cause he's dead.
85
00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:56,099
Well, then,
Peter would be
happy to do the honors.
86
00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:58,631
Plus, when's the next time
you're gonna get to give
a bride away?
87
00:03:58,701 --> 00:04:01,198
I know. This is a
once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
88
00:04:01,266 --> 00:04:03,565
You can give me away
when I get married,
Dad.
89
00:04:03,633 --> 00:04:04,631
Nah!
90
00:04:07,733 --> 00:04:08,765
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
91
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:10,164
And for the gentlemen?
92
00:04:10,233 --> 00:04:12,999
Yeah. Can I have this
third thing down,
please?
93
00:04:13,068 --> 00:04:14,899
Ah, very good, sir.
And for you?
94
00:04:14,968 --> 00:04:16,198
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
95
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:20,632
(LAUGHING)
96
00:04:20,701 --> 00:04:21,732
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
97
00:04:21,801 --> 00:04:22,832
Excellent.
98
00:04:22,901 --> 00:04:24,599
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
99
00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:28,165
Wow, Derek,
that's pretty good
French you speak there.
100
00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:29,932
He also speaks Orange.
101
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,765
Mandarin, honey.
Mandolin.
102
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:36,432
What luck, huh?
103
00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:39,166
Wow, sweetie!
That was amazing!
104
00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:41,998
I don't think I could do
that again in a million
years.
105
00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:46,065
(BOTH GROANING)
106
00:04:50,867 --> 00:04:52,732
I caught this piece.
107
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,465
Oh, my God!
Sir, are you all right?
108
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:55,732
I don't know.
109
00:04:55,801 --> 00:04:57,432
I actually just
had elbow surgery.
110
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:59,532
I wasn't even
supposed to come
in to work today.
111
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,332
Why would you
trip me deliberately?
112
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,598
I'm sorry.
113
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:04,032
Dinner's going great.
114
00:05:04,101 --> 00:05:07,032
You know,
I can probably help
you with that elbow.
115
00:05:11,101 --> 00:05:13,832
Does that feel better?
Yeah! It feels a lot better.
116
00:05:13,901 --> 00:05:15,865
Wow!
You're the
best man ever!
117
00:05:15,934 --> 00:05:17,365
Oh, hardly.
118
00:05:17,434 --> 00:05:19,099
Excuse me.
I'm just gonna use
the restroom really quick.
119
00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:21,298
I'll go with you.
Oh, my God! Gay!
120
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:24,265
Shut up. He's obviously
some sort of Superman.
I just...
121
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:26,365
I just
need to know if he
has any shortcomings.
122
00:05:26,434 --> 00:05:28,298
It'll make me feel better.
You are not even...
123
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:30,798
You're going in there to
look... That's even gayer.
124
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:37,332
BRIAN: Oh, come on!
125
00:05:39,201 --> 00:05:43,065
And the worst thing is
that he's not even
a douche.
126
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,398
He's a nice guy. I like him.
127
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:49,032
Oh, honey, that sounds awful.
I know what will cheer you up.
128
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:50,831
You want to scratch
my pet rabbit, Steven,
129
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,998
on his nose with
your index finger?
130
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,565
I like rabbits 'cause
you can pull their
ears back
131
00:05:55,633 --> 00:05:57,765
and make them
look like Asian people.
132
00:05:57,833 --> 00:06:00,231
(IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC)
133
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,265
Give me "callot!"
Give me a "rettuce!"
134
00:06:02,334 --> 00:06:05,432
Can I
have another
bourbon, please?
135
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:08,831
Hey, Blondie. You wanna
get together with my
dogwood?
136
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:10,798
What?
Dogwood? You know,
137
00:06:10,867 --> 00:06:13,598
like
Dogwood and Blondie,
like in the funnies?
138
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:16,131
You mean Dagwood?
Dagwood, that's what it is.
139
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,232
Hey, how about this one?
140
00:06:17,301 --> 00:06:19,765
You want to take
a wizard on my id?
141
00:06:19,834 --> 00:06:21,832
You remind me
of my step-dad.
142
00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:36,632
(GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What
the hell did I do last night?
143
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:37,932
Good morning.
144
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,065
Oh, my God!
You're Lauren Conrad!
145
00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:41,299
Yeah.
146
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,498
From The Hills!
Yeah. You seem surprised.
147
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:47,232
No. No. It's just,
I... I mean, I probably
had a lot to drink last night.
148
00:06:47,301 --> 00:06:49,998
So if I did
anything that might have
offended you, I'm sorry.
149
00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:51,365
No,
it's okay.
I have a dog.
150
00:06:51,434 --> 00:06:53,498
So I've
had to cut poop
out of his fur before.
151
00:06:53,567 --> 00:06:55,565
Oh! Oh, thanks.
152
00:06:55,634 --> 00:06:57,232
Well, otherwise, it was
a fun night though, right?
153
00:06:57,301 --> 00:06:58,598
So fun.
154
00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:06,298
You know,
I had a really
fun night, Brian.
155
00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:07,732
You seem like
a really cool guy.
156
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:08,932
Yeah. Um...
157
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,099
Hey,
you know,
if you don't mind,
158
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,265
I'm sort of
a low-profile
kind of person.
159
00:07:12,334 --> 00:07:15,532
So I'm gonna take off before
anybody gets the wrong idea
here.
160
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:19,331
Hey! Brian, is that you...
Is that Lauren... My God...
161
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,298
I was
shopping for hats...
Hang on. I'm coming over.
162
00:07:22,367 --> 00:07:23,365
Oh, no.
163
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:25,432
Don't go anywhere.
Stay right there.
164
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:26,632
Who's that?
165
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,632
It's just this jerk
that goes to my school.
166
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:29,965
You go to school?
167
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,798
No. I just lied to you,
and I'm not really sure why.
168
00:07:32,867 --> 00:07:35,798
Is this the longest
light ever, or what?
169
00:07:36,867 --> 00:07:38,433
Ah, there we go!
170
00:07:40,034 --> 00:07:41,932
Oh, my God!
How do you two
know each other?
171
00:07:42,001 --> 00:07:43,832
Uh, we actually just met.
172
00:07:43,901 --> 00:07:45,298
Well, I'm Stewie.
173
00:07:45,366 --> 00:07:46,731
I'm Lauren.
It's good to meet you.
174
00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:48,331
I love the show.
175
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,099
Do you need a gay
friend on the show?
A friend on the show?
176
00:07:50,168 --> 00:07:52,698
Hey, you know what? I'm
actually on my way to
go shoot now.
177
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,266
If you want,
you guys can tag along.
178
00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:56,065
Oh,
I don't know
if we have time.
179
00:07:56,134 --> 00:07:57,464
Yes. We would love to.
180
00:07:57,533 --> 00:07:59,398
Brian,
don't wreck
this for me.
181
00:07:59,466 --> 00:08:01,565
Oh, my God! I have
the perfect hat
for this!
182
00:08:05,967 --> 00:08:09,331
Listen, Lauren, I'm not
super comfortable being
on camera.
183
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,032
Oh, relax.
After a little while,
184
00:08:11,101 --> 00:08:12,932
you'll forget
they're even there.
185
00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:16,098
What's everybody looking at?
The salesman told me it was
unisex.
186
00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:17,765
Hey,
those people
look familiar.
187
00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:20,164
(SCOFFING)
That's Heidi and Spencer.
I don't really talk to them.
188
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,665
Wow! Spencer does
look like a monkey.
189
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:25,332
Spencer, I am so
over your selfishness.
190
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,165
What do you want?
I came out to Hollywood.
191
00:08:27,234 --> 00:08:30,698
I'm on camera all day,
and I turned my back
on my own kind!
192
00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:34,099
So, why don't you think before
you say things for a fucking
change?
193
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:39,431
Look,
there's Brody Jenner.
God, what a douchebag!
194
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:42,798
I can't believe
that came out of
Bruce Jenner's vagina.
195
00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:44,832
Bruce Jenner is a man.
No, Brian.
196
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,432
That's what the press would
have you believe, but he's
not.
197
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:52,331
Bruce Jenner is a woman,
an elegant, beautiful,
Dutch woman.
198
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,932
This is where they
edit the show together.
199
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:56,032
Lauren,
we got a rough cut
of next week's episode.
200
00:08:56,101 --> 00:08:59,132
Can you cue that up, Terry?
Sure.
201
00:08:59,201 --> 00:09:01,132
I
need to be, like,
fine to be alone.
202
00:09:01,201 --> 00:09:02,899
And, like, not even
want to date someone.
203
00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:04,198
And then
I know I'll be fine to
get into a relationship.
204
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:05,866
That's good.
205
00:09:05,934 --> 00:09:07,732
That's it? That was,
like, five seconds.
206
00:09:07,801 --> 00:09:09,532
It's okay.
207
00:09:09,601 --> 00:09:11,966
They fill the rest with shots
of street signs and fronts of
restaurants
208
00:09:12,034 --> 00:09:13,498
and old footage
from The A-Team.
209
00:09:13,566 --> 00:09:16,098
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
210
00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:23,165
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
211
00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,898
Hey, Brian.
Where were you
last night, buddy?
212
00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:37,632
Oh, I was... I was out.
213
00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:39,132
I got a little
wrecked after
dinner,
214
00:09:39,201 --> 00:09:40,798
and I didn't
want to drive home.
215
00:09:40,867 --> 00:09:44,098
Oh, yeah? Did you stay in
town or did you "head
for the hills"?
216
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,899
(ALL LAUGHING)
217
00:09:46,968 --> 00:09:49,165
Wait a minute! How the hell
do you guys know about that
already?
218
00:09:49,233 --> 00:09:51,564
It's all over the Internet.
Look!
219
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,765
MAN: Does Lauren Conrad
have a new beau?
220
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:56,198
An anonymous
source has the answers.
221
00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:58,699
STEWIE: Oh, yeah. I know that
guy. His name's Brian Griffin,
222
00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:01,832
and he definitely
boned Lauren last
night.
223
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:03,999
Great. Great.
That's fantastic.
224
00:10:04,068 --> 00:10:07,065
Well, I think it's wonderful
that you're dating such
a classy,
225
00:10:07,134 --> 00:10:09,965
well-educated
girl like Lauren...
226
00:10:10,034 --> 00:10:12,998
(LAUGHING) She's
such an idiot,
Brian!
227
00:10:14,134 --> 00:10:15,832
She's such an idiot!
228
00:10:15,901 --> 00:10:17,298
Yeah. You know
something, Brian?
229
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,264
I bet you make
the late-night
monologues.
230
00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:20,632
I mean,
it's a little
weird, isn't it?
231
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,632
This new Lauren
Conrad relationship?
232
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,265
When asked about their
sex life,
233
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:26,898
Brian was quoted as saying,
"Oh, yeah, we just do it
me style."
234
00:10:26,967 --> 00:10:28,698
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
235
00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:31,432
Have you seen the news
about Lauren Conrad
and Brian Griffin?
236
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,232
You know,
a lot of these
young Hollywood girls
237
00:10:33,301 --> 00:10:35,299
carry
their little dogs
around in their purse.
238
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:37,565
But Lauren carries one
in her vagina.
239
00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:39,699
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
240
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:42,898
Yeah, so Lauren Conrad
and Brian Griffin are
now a couple.
241
00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:44,865
Apparently,
she gave that dog a bone
and he gave it right back!
242
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:45,932
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
243
00:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,166
Look,
I was drunk
out of my mind.
244
00:10:50,235 --> 00:10:52,631
I didn't know
what I was doing.
It was a one-night thing.
245
00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:55,999
I have no interest in dating
one of those shallow idiot
celebrities
246
00:10:56,068 --> 00:10:57,832
who's
only famous
for being famous.
247
00:10:57,901 --> 00:10:59,598
I'm going over to
let her down easy.
248
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:01,798
Hey, tell her I like her
work in Jake and the Fatman.
249
00:11:01,868 --> 00:11:04,232
No, wait.
That was William Conrad.
250
00:11:04,301 --> 00:11:05,832
Tell her I like
Jake and the Fatman.
251
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:07,166
(DOORBELL RINGING)
252
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:11,433
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm Brian.
253
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:15,032
I'm the guy
all the comedians
have been talking about.
254
00:11:15,101 --> 00:11:16,299
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
255
00:11:17,401 --> 00:11:18,698
Lauren is in the back.
256
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:21,066
Just follow the music
and you will find her.
257
00:11:21,134 --> 00:11:22,366
Thanks.
258
00:11:23,467 --> 00:11:25,032
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
259
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,531
Hi, Brian.
Wow! Hi.
260
00:11:35,601 --> 00:11:37,665
That's
beautiful.
What was that?
261
00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:41,699
It's Mozart's
Violin Concerto
Number One in B-Flat.
262
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,899
"Plato's Symposium."
This yours?
263
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:45,564
Oh, yeah.
It's pretty worn out.
264
00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:47,365
Yeah.
I've read it,
like, 100 times.
265
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:50,133
I find Aristophanes'
quasi-satirical origin myth
266
00:11:50,201 --> 00:11:53,632
regarding
the three genders
both fantastic and serious.
267
00:11:53,701 --> 00:11:56,899
Yeah.
That always
cracked me up.
268
00:11:56,968 --> 00:11:58,665
So, you read a lot, huh?
269
00:11:58,733 --> 00:12:02,398
Yeah, but I try not
to let it interfere with
my biomolecular research.
270
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,732
Biomolec...
I don't understand.
271
00:12:04,801 --> 00:12:06,832
Come on.
I'll show you
what I did yesterday.
272
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:10,398
"It'll make you feel young
as when the world was new."
273
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:24,465
You did
all this in a day?
274
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:26,098
The matrix
formed in a day.
275
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:29,965
The life-forms grew later
at a substantially
accelerated rate.
276
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,232
Can I cook or can't I?
277
00:12:37,201 --> 00:12:39,965
This doesn't make any sense.
If you're so smart, why do
you hide it?
278
00:12:40,034 --> 00:12:42,898
Come on, Brian.
You know America
doesn't like smart people.
279
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:45,065
They elected Bush twice.
Yeah, once, but...
280
00:12:45,134 --> 00:12:48,065
So this whole persona
is just a publicity
stunt?
281
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:50,432
Publicity's what keeps
this franchise running,
Brian.
282
00:12:50,501 --> 00:12:52,565
We're even using
state-of-the-art
computer animation
283
00:12:52,634 --> 00:12:55,231
to create
a fake sex tape
with me and Bill Cosby.
284
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:59,632
Now you will get ready for
the zim-zam and the
babbity-bibbity.
285
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:04,131
And you will take off your
clothes like voo and voom!
286
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,531
And get ready for
the most splendiferous
287
00:13:06,601 --> 00:13:08,765
pudding pop you
have ever seen!
288
00:13:12,034 --> 00:13:14,765
All right, Jillian,
since I'm giving you
away on your wedding day,
289
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:16,832
I want to make sure it
all goes off without
a hitch.
290
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:18,631
Now, what
are your thoughts
on a wedding singer?
291
00:13:18,701 --> 00:13:21,865
I thought that maybe
I would just DJ the
wedding myself.
292
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,132
I already made
a playlist on this.
293
00:13:24,201 --> 00:13:25,498
A box of Junior Mints?
294
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:26,798
This isn't an iPod?
295
00:13:26,867 --> 00:13:28,765
Your Junior Mints
play MP3s?
296
00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:31,231
My iPod is chocolate?
297
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:33,431
Well, be that as it
may, or not be that,
298
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,632
I was thinking I could
be your wedding singer.
299
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:38,331
That's a great idea, Peter!
Sweet!
300
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,698
And I promise
you'll be able to
understand all the words,
301
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:43,565
not like Sting where you
can only understand the
last three.
302
00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:45,231
(GARBLED SINGING)
303
00:13:49,534 --> 00:13:52,465
♪ ...up a brand new day ♪
304
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,731
So,
did you break
up with Lauren?
305
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,265
No, I didn't.
306
00:13:58,333 --> 00:13:59,966
As a matter of fact, she's
coming over for dinner
tonight.
307
00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:01,598
Say what?
308
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,099
Well, Lauren,
it's a real pleasure
having you here for dinner.
309
00:14:09,168 --> 00:14:12,266
Of course, I'm sure
this isn't as exciting
as your usual cuisine.
310
00:14:12,335 --> 00:14:15,299
You know, all that caviar
with the little silver
spoons.
311
00:14:15,368 --> 00:14:18,099
Actually,
Mrs. Griffin, caviar
spoons are carved from bone.
312
00:14:18,168 --> 00:14:20,465
They don't
use metal because it reacts
chemically with the fish eggs
313
00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:21,865
and changes their taste.
314
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:23,999
Oh! Well,
that's fascinating.
315
00:14:24,068 --> 00:14:25,999
You could have just
complimented the
free food,
316
00:14:26,068 --> 00:14:27,966
but one-upping me
is another way to go.
317
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,433
So, you know, guys...
Bitch.
318
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,932
...Lauren just finished
a fascinating doctoral
thesis
319
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,966
on suborbital propulsion
mechanisms that NASA is
using
320
00:14:35,034 --> 00:14:36,765
for the next
generation of
space shuttles.
321
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:37,865
(BOTH GASPING)
322
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:40,198
Ah!
Ah!
323
00:14:40,266 --> 00:14:44,399
So, Lauren, whenever I'm
watching your show, you
give me a boner.
324
00:14:45,434 --> 00:14:46,732
Where do we
go from here?
325
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,698
Well,
I could sign
a picture for you.
326
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:51,799
Yeah, sure.
That'd be fine. Thank you.
327
00:14:51,868 --> 00:14:54,765
So, Lauren, do
you and Paris Hilton and
Lindsay Lohan all hang out
328
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:56,199
and go
drunk-driving together?
329
00:14:56,267 --> 00:14:58,498
I heard
that Lindsay Lohan
wasn't driving that night.
330
00:14:58,567 --> 00:15:00,232
She was taking
the rap for a friend.
331
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,599
Road hog!
332
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:07,432
Oh, no!
I already
have two strikes!
333
00:15:07,501 --> 00:15:08,966
I'll take the wheel,
Mister Magoo.
334
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,932
I'm too old to go to
prison! They'll rape me,
335
00:15:11,001 --> 00:15:12,466
and I'll never
see them coming.
No, I won't.
336
00:15:15,368 --> 00:15:18,432
Well, Lauren
and I had a great time
today at the art museum.
337
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,132
There was
a special exhibition
of rare Monet paintings...
338
00:15:21,201 --> 00:15:22,732
Manet, honey.
What?
339
00:15:22,801 --> 00:15:25,032
It was
actually the Manet
exhibit. Not Monet.
340
00:15:25,101 --> 00:15:27,432
But no big deal.
People make that
mistake all the time.
341
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:28,631
Oh! Right.
342
00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:30,198
You know,
I don't mean to be rude,
343
00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:32,132
but do
you have a more
comfortable chair?
344
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,099
This
one's really
hurting my back.
345
00:15:34,168 --> 00:15:37,966
Oh, my God!
Quagmire, you come
out from under there!
346
00:15:38,034 --> 00:15:39,665
I'm sorry, everybody.
347
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:44,865
I just wanted
to meet her so bad.
I can't do anything right.
348
00:15:44,934 --> 00:15:46,531
I'll go have
a talk with him.
349
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:49,632
Hey, buddy,
where are all your pals?
350
00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:51,032
Playing baseball.
351
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,565
Well, why aren't
you playing with them?
352
00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:54,365
'Cause I don't have a glove.
353
00:15:54,434 --> 00:15:55,732
Oh, yeah?
354
00:15:55,801 --> 00:15:58,066
Gee! Just for me?
No fooling?
355
00:15:58,135 --> 00:16:00,199
Nah, just kidding.
It's mine.
356
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:01,632
Oh!
Yeah.
357
00:16:05,168 --> 00:16:08,132
Oh, sweetie,
dinner with your family
was so much fun tonight.
358
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,965
Yeah.
I think they
really liked you.
359
00:16:10,034 --> 00:16:12,465
It was so cute
when you thought
Manet was Monet.
360
00:16:12,534 --> 00:16:14,399
Yeah. Yeah.
That was a hoot.
361
00:16:14,467 --> 00:16:17,399
Oh, hey, how are you liking
that unabridged history of
Second World War
362
00:16:17,467 --> 00:16:19,232
naval tactics in
the Pacific Theater?
363
00:16:19,301 --> 00:16:21,965
Oh, it's really interesting.
I'm at the part
364
00:16:22,034 --> 00:16:24,832
where they detail the account
of Admiral Halsey's victory
at Midway.
365
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,866
You mean Admiral Spruance,
sweetie.
Huh?
366
00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:30,266
Well, Halsey was hospitalized
with psoriasis at the outset
of the battle.
367
00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:34,599
So Spruance,
who, prior to June of 1941,
was primarily a desk admiral,
368
00:16:34,667 --> 00:16:37,199
was charged with
leading the naval fleet
at Midway against Japan.
369
00:16:37,268 --> 00:16:39,366
A victory which
surprised even
his peers,
370
00:16:39,434 --> 00:16:42,899
and, in fact, was a turning
point for the American naval
forces in the Pacific.
371
00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,866
No, yeah.
That's the part I'm at.
372
00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:47,665
Oh, my God. You're so cute
when you don't know what
you're talking about.
373
00:16:47,734 --> 00:16:49,165
Now, wait a minute.
What the hell does
that mean?
374
00:16:49,234 --> 00:16:51,232
Are you saying I'm not smart?
You don't have to be.
375
00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:54,365
You're adorable,
like those calendars
that have monkeys in clothes.
376
00:16:54,434 --> 00:16:56,098
Look, why
don't we talk about
this in the morning?
377
00:16:56,167 --> 00:16:58,731
I want to
finish that book.
378
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,798
Sweetie,
since when do you
wear reading glasses?
379
00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:02,999
What? These?
I've had these forever.
380
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,732
Honey, those aren't real.
Sure, they are.
381
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,099
No, they're not. I can see
the little Austin Powers
logo on the side.
382
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:10,265
What are
you talking about?
These are my glasses.
383
00:17:10,334 --> 00:17:11,732
(AUSTIN POWERS THEME PLAYING)
384
00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:14,398
AUSTIN POWERS: Yeah, baby!
385
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,532
All right, I can't do this!
Can't do what?
386
00:17:16,601 --> 00:17:18,465
I can't date someone
who's smarter than I am.
387
00:17:18,534 --> 00:17:20,065
I feel like Jillian.
388
00:17:20,134 --> 00:17:21,998
Oh!
389
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:23,599
What? What,
what, what?
What is that?
390
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:24,798
I think I get it.
391
00:17:24,867 --> 00:17:27,099
This isn't about me
being smarter than you.
392
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:29,065
This is about you still
being in love with Jillian.
393
00:17:29,134 --> 00:17:30,332
How do you know that?
394
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,498
Because
I'm smarter
than you, Brian.
395
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:32,599
Oh, my God! You're right.
396
00:17:35,334 --> 00:17:39,798
You know,
I thought I was over
her, but I'm not. I'm...
397
00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:44,731
Somewhere along the line
she must have gotten
under my skin.
398
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,465
I'm in love with her.
I'm in love with
Jillian.
399
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,398
(MISPRONOUNCING)
How could I have
been so myopic?
400
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:53,099
Myopic.
Thank you, Lauren!
401
00:17:58,801 --> 00:18:00,499
My God, Lauren!
What am I gonna do?
402
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,331
I'm still in
love with Jillian.
403
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,398
Well, there's
only one thing you can do,
Brian. Tell her how you feel.
404
00:18:05,467 --> 00:18:08,032
What's the use?
It's over. She's moved on.
405
00:18:08,101 --> 00:18:10,732
Well, who knows? Women
are complex creatures,
Brian.
406
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:13,398
Maybe she just
needs to be reminded
how much she misses you.
407
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,032
And I know exactly
how to do that,
Brian.
408
00:18:16,101 --> 00:18:17,531
She needs to see
you on the arm of
a beautiful woman.
409
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,099
(ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
410
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:28,364
What is this gonna do?
It's gonna make her jealous.
411
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,598
You
out on the town
with a hot date.
412
00:18:30,667 --> 00:18:32,166
How are you a hot date?
413
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:35,998
Whoa!
You're angry at her, not
me. No wonder you're alone.
414
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:43,699
This isn't working at all.
She doesn't even know
we're here.
415
00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:45,898
She will, Brian.
And she's gonna
be upset
416
00:18:45,967 --> 00:18:47,432
that your date
is so into you.
417
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,665
Okay, ready?
I've been reading up
on things that sound sexy.
418
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:53,498
Oh, Brian. I can't
wait till after dinner,
419
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:56,732
'cause then we'll go home
and you can watch me have
my period.
420
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:58,798
What the hell's wrong
with you? That's not sexy.
421
00:18:58,867 --> 00:19:01,198
Hey, Brian. I just
noticed you over here.
422
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:02,765
Hi, I'm Jillian.
423
00:19:02,833 --> 00:19:04,598
Desiree. Charmed.
424
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:08,198
Well, I wish we could
stay, but we have quite
an exciting evening planned.
425
00:19:08,267 --> 00:19:10,898
Oh!
Oh, yeah. Right. We're
really hitting the town.
426
00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:13,232
Yes. We're gonna
douche the night
away.
427
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:14,798
Well, have fun.
428
00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:16,632
You two are
a really cute couple.
429
00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:17,998
Hey, Desiree.
430
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:20,498
Oh! Hey, Lee.
431
00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:23,365
Brian, this is Lee.
Lee, this is Brian.
432
00:19:23,434 --> 00:19:26,498
I know Lee
from Starbucks.
433
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:28,265
MAN: Hey,
is that Desiree?
434
00:19:31,867 --> 00:19:34,365
That's it. I mean,
I don't know what
else I can do.
435
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,765
The wedding's tomorrow,
436
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:38,098
and she hasn't
shown any signs
of leaving Derek.
437
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,065
I've completely
run out of options.
438
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,665
Not quite, Brian.
There's still one
thing you can do.
439
00:19:42,734 --> 00:19:44,398
What's that?
Go for broke.
440
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:46,598
Just throw all your
cards on the table
at once.
441
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:49,599
Show her that you love her
in a way she can't
possibly ignore.
442
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:50,698
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
443
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:53,732
Hello?
Oh, hey, Lee.
444
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,499
No, it's not a bad time.
445
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:59,798
Yeah, I still
have those boots.
446
00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:02,765
Well,
maybe I'll wear
them and maybe I won't.
447
00:20:08,534 --> 00:20:10,365
(BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING)
448
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,133
"Love always protects,
always trusts,
449
00:20:26,201 --> 00:20:28,966
"always hopes,
always perseveres.
450
00:20:29,034 --> 00:20:32,265
"Love
bears all things,
believes all things...
451
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:33,698
(GIGGLING)
452
00:20:33,768 --> 00:20:36,199
"...hopes all things,
endures all things.
453
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:39,565
"Love never ends.
Love never fails."
454
00:20:39,634 --> 00:20:42,498
Corinthians 13,
verses 4 through 8.
455
00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:44,166
Thank you.
That was beautiful.
456
00:20:44,235 --> 00:20:46,499
And now, Jillian,
do you take Derek...
457
00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:48,032
Wait!
458
00:20:49,101 --> 00:20:51,298
Jillian,
I'm in love with you.
459
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:55,732
I want you...
No, I need you with
all my heart and soul.
460
00:20:55,801 --> 00:20:59,199
And my only regret is that
I didn't realize it when
we were together.
461
00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:00,932
Those were
the happiest
days of my life,
462
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:07,599
and I want
more of those days.
Please, Jillian, I love you.
463
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,632
Will you
please take me back?
464
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:11,866
Brian, no.
465
00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:16,132
You had your chance. I mean,
I thought you were my soul
train,
466
00:21:16,201 --> 00:21:17,565
but you didn't want me.
467
00:21:17,633 --> 00:21:19,198
Soul mate.
Soul food?
468
00:21:19,267 --> 00:21:23,432
I'm sorry,
but I'm in love
with Derek now.
469
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:26,699
I see.
And you really
feel that way?
470
00:21:26,767 --> 00:21:27,798
Yeah.
471
00:21:27,867 --> 00:21:29,898
I mean,
he's everything I have,
472
00:21:29,967 --> 00:21:32,199
especially since
my mom died of
cancer.
473
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:33,532
(PETER LAUGHS)
474
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,298
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
475
00:21:38,633 --> 00:21:41,132
All right, party people.
Please clear the dance floor
476
00:21:41,201 --> 00:21:43,299
for the bride and
groom's first dance.
477
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:47,199
And here to
sing a romantic ballad
is the one and only Sting.
478
00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:50,065
(GARBLED SINGING)
479
00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:56,499
♪ ...the fields of gold ♪
480
00:22:05,034 --> 00:22:08,265
Hey, buck up there, sport.
At least you gave it your
all.
481
00:22:08,334 --> 00:22:11,132
I guess you're right.
I still feel like
crap, though.
482
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,565
Well, look at it this way.
You may have lost Jillian,
483
00:22:13,634 --> 00:22:15,832
but you can at least be
happy that she's happy.
484
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,265
Plus, you can
always call Lauren.
485
00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:19,165
No. I can't.
Why not?
486
00:22:19,234 --> 00:22:20,765
She's never gonna
speak to me again.
487
00:22:20,834 --> 00:22:21,899
I gave her worms.
488
00:23:00,467 --> 00:23:01,465
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